August 7, 2024 • 16 mins
Contrary to popular belief, the ultimate purpose of your marriage is not to make you happy. Dennis and Barbara Rainey are joined by Bob Lepine to talk about it.
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Samantha Keller (00:00):
Part of loving your spouse well is setting
aside your own unrealisticexpectations. Here's Barbara
Rainey.
Barbara Rainey (00:07):
You know, we thought when we got married that
we accepted each other just likewe were, and we felt that. It
was one of the things that I wasmost attracted to about Dennis
was that he accepted me for whoI was, the way I was, and I
didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
(00:28):
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings? Am I going to accept him
the way he is and love him theway he is? That process is
ongoing in marriage.
Samantha Keller (00:41):
This is the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever
Thine Home. Thanks for joiningus. Here's a quick analogy.
Think of your marriage like ahouse. It needs regular
maintenance.
And whether you've been marriedfor decades or or you're about
to get started in marriage, it'simportant to pay some attention
to the foundation of that house,what it's built on. Not too long
(01:06):
ago, Dennis and Barbara Raineysat down with their friend, Bob
Lapine, to talk about some ofthose foundational marriage
principles that couples need toremember. Here's Dennis to kick
off the conversation.
Dennis Rainey (01:18):
I ran across this deal that made a fast dash
across the Internet a number ofyears ago called 11 Things You
Won't Learn in School AboutJobs. Barbara and I decided to
just have some fun with this,and we decided to write our own
chapter called 11 rules aboutmarriage that you won't learn
Bob Lepine (01:36):
in school. And the first rule you've got on the
list is that marriage is notabout your happiness. Boy,
you're talking about acountercultural message. Is
isn't that why you got married,Barbara? Well, actually,
Barbara Rainey (01:49):
it's not. But it is the most common reason why
most couples get married becausethey think that this other
person is gonna make me happy.They think I make that other
person happy. And so how we feelabout each other and the kind of
relationship we have with eachother makes me feel good, so
therefore, this must be right.
Bob Lepine (02:06):
Well, you thought Dennis was gonna make you happy,
didn't you?
Barbara Rainey (02:09):
Well, I suppose I did at some level. I don't
know that I really thought inthat term quite as clearly,
maybe.
Dennis Rainey (02:16):
It's I'm
Barbara Rainey (02:16):
thinking about today. I don't know.
Dennis Rainey (02:18):
I'm thinking about this, and I I think it
would have been a tough sell forus to have really believed this
one. And I've said across thetable from an engaged couple,
they got stars in their eyes.This is a tough sell. Yeah. You
know, it's all about how youmake me feel.
I mean, they're thinking abouthow we're gonna we're gonna
drive off together into, youknow, to the castle, and he's
(02:39):
gonna carry me there, and she'sgonna be staring at me with
stars in her eyes. And Happilyever after. That's the way it
works. And there's no way theyhave any idea, no way we knew
what the fine print held. Yeah.
It's in the marriage covenant.Well, of
Bob Lepine (02:55):
course, we try to warn couples at the altar with
things like for better, forworse, for richer, for poorer,
sickness, health.
Dennis Rainey (03:01):
But that goes right over. Well, they're
Barbara Rainey (03:03):
here for better, for
Bob Lepine (03:05):
richer For richer, for suit and health. And and
even if you sit down with acouple and say, now you need to
understand, marriage is notabout your happiness. They go, I
know the Sunday school answer,but in the back of their mind
Right. They're getting marriedbecause something about this
relationship just feels reallygood.
Barbara Rainey (03:22):
Exactly. And so it's it is a very, very hard
sell because the emotion and thelack of reality that they're
experiencing in theirrelationship before marriage,
it's impossible for them to feelthe things that you're going to
feel one day in marriage.
Dennis Rainey (03:36):
And they fed on a steady diet. Right. But let's
face it. From Hollywood Yep. Ofincredibly romantic movies that
are all over in 2 hours Right.
And that cause you to weep andto cry, and it's so sweet, and
it always ends on the thecrescendo. Mhmm. And so I think
we all get married thinking thatwe're gonna experience some of
(03:58):
that in our marriagerelationship.
Bob Lepine (03:59):
And we are gonna experience some of that
Dennis Rainey (04:01):
We are.
Bob Lepine (04:01):
In our marriage relationship.
Dennis Rainey (04:02):
And we still do, by the way.
Bob Lepine (04:03):
But you've got John and Katie, my son and future
daughter-in-law, sitting acrossthe table from you, and you're
telling them it's not about yourhappiness, and they're gone
they're nodding their headgoing, yeah, we we understand.
So then Here's what I
Dennis Rainey (04:16):
like to say to a young couple. Yeah. I like to
say now, okay, John, would youlook at Katie? Look her in the
eyes. And, I actually mightstart with Katie first.
I said, look at John. Yourealize how what a selfish thug
he is? How how he has been usedto being single and meeting his
own needs, thinking abouthimself from sunup to sundown
(04:38):
and beyond. Mhmm. Look at him.
Do you realize that theScriptures speak about how he's
depraved? He is he's a sinfulman. Mhmm. He could be an
adulterous man in his heart, ormaybe in reality. Now now look
at him.
Look at him. And know, it'sinteresting. They start out
looking, and they're kindagrinning at each other. And then
(04:58):
I start going through this list,and it's like, oh, no. He's not
really that way.
Bob Lepine (05:03):
Right.
Dennis Rainey (05:04):
Then I ask him to look at her, and I go through
this same list with her, andthat happened with Barbara and
me when we were going throughour marriage preparation
council, which wasn't much.Somebody told you he
Bob Lepine (05:14):
was a selfish thug. Is that what I He
Dennis Rainey (05:16):
was a thug, but, that's that's been my addition
to to the whole thing. But,yeah, they I don't remember
that. Well, Don Meredith used tohe used to look us in the eyes,
and he goes, look at him. He'san adulterer. See, I
Barbara Rainey (05:28):
must have been a
Dennis Rainey (05:29):
liar. He's a
Barbara Rainey (05:29):
liar because
Dennis Rainey (05:30):
I don't remember that. He's capable of all this
Samantha Keller (05:32):
I didn't believe it.
Dennis Rainey (05:33):
All this stuff. But, you know, they don't
believe it because thishappiness factor, this fog
factor of how you start arelationship out, and as Barbara
said, the lack of reality in therelationship. You know, at the
end of the date, you take themhome Uh-huh. And you go back to
your place. But after marriage,as Barbara found out in our
(05:55):
marriage, she had to lockherself in the bathroom
Bob Lepine (05:58):
to get away from me. So so we gotta understand that
the the overarching purpose formarriage is not your happiness.
And the reason that's importantis because there'll be days when
you're not happy, and you'restill married even on the days
when you're not happy. Aren'tyou? Yeah.
They are. Right. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (06:13):
And then you gotta ask the question, so what
is the purpose? Right? And thatreally God's reputation is at
stake in your marriage and yourfamily.
Bob Lepine (06:23):
It's a transcendent call to live out your marriage
and your family to the glory ofGod. You've been hired as an
ambassador for the kingdom. Yourmarriage is a part of how you
live that out, and you need tomake sure you're representing
the king and, the homeland well.Right?
Dennis Rainey (06:40):
Here's where I wish I had the young couple, you
know, again, your son and hisfiancee, you have them in the
room. You wanna say, now listento me. This is where life makes
up its mind. Are you gonna liveout your marriage when the going
gets tough, and live out yourcommitment and have your
marriage go the distance?Because you 2 have a
(07:02):
transcendent purpose.
That's why God created men andwomen. It's about His image
being modeled in your lives.Will you live your marriage for
the glory and the purpose ofGod? So rule
Bob Lepine (07:16):
number 1 of your 11 rules is that marriage is not
primarily about your happiness.Rule number 2 is that God is at
work in marriage finishingsomething that he has begun.
Dennis Rainey (07:27):
Oh, yeah. And Barbara could comment on this.
I'll read it, and then I'll lether comment on it. Rule number
2, getting married gives a man achance to step up and finish
growing up.
Barbara Rainey (07:39):
And it's true for women too, but I think a lot
of times, we females, because wehave stars in our eyes, we think
our prince charming has it alltogether, and we see him
probably as more mature and morestable and more together than he
sees himself. And I think it'seasy for us as women I think
(08:01):
it's easy to underestimate theinsecurities that he feels and
the ways that he feels unsure,and marriage is good for him
because it will help him step upand be a man and finish growing
up.
Bob Lepine (08:12):
I remember a guest. I don't remember who it was, but
somebody who talked aboutmarriage as divine sandpaper or
a divine chisel. It's theongoing work of God to take an
incomplete, selfish human beingand start to chisel away at some
of the selfishness.
Dennis Rainey (08:27):
You know, you can't you can't fulfill what
God's got in the Bible and bemarried and then have children
and be successful in all thosecommitments simultaneously. You
have got to decide to denyyourself, and I think all roads
lead back to the guy. Will youlead the way as the head of your
(08:48):
home loving her, cherishing her,nourishing her, caring for her?
And Bob, it's one of theconcerns I've got about young
people today who are gettingmarried at an all time record
high. The average age for mengetting married today is the
highest it's ever been in thehistory of our country.
Bob Lepine (09:09):
It's like 28, isn't it?
Dennis Rainey (09:10):
It's 28. It's 27 for women Wow. And 28 for men.
And there's been a ton writtenabout this by sociologists who
wouldn't have a a Christianworldview persuasion. They're
just talking about how guystoday are delaying adult
responsibilities as long as theycan.
Bob Lepine (09:30):
How old were you when you got married? 24.
Alright. Barbara, if if Iintroduced the 24 year old
dentist to the dentist of today,what would be the biggest
difference? How is he whatwhat's the area where he's She
Dennis Rainey (09:48):
can answer this if I can call Mary Anne on the
phone and see how she wouldanswer. An area where you
Bob Lepine (09:55):
would say, yeah. This is where he needed to
finish growing up. Can you thinkof 1? That's a good question.
Barbara Rainey (10:01):
That's a really good question, and it's a really
hard one to answer. My firstthought was if we had them
standing side by side, they'revery different people, but I
can't think of just one area.
Dennis Rainey (10:11):
Well, I'll come to risk you here. I I would say
that there's a lot about beingsingle that, again, feeds
selfishness. Yeah. You get up inthe morning, you think about
what you're gonna eat, thinkabout what you're gonna do, you
think about how you're gonnaspend your day, how you're gonna
conclude your day. I mean, it'sall about who?
Me. Yeah. And when you getmarried, you can't live that way
(10:32):
any longer. When you getmarried, you say, by virtue of
the covenant of marriage, I'mnot gonna live for myself. I am
gonna be a husband who cares foryou, and so I need to start
thinking about Barbara and how Ican nourish her, which means to
provide nutrients that help herto grow spiritually.
(10:53):
Mhmm. That means a young man'sgotta think, how do I do that?
And I remember feeling inept. Ididn't know how to do that. And
I thank God we'll get to this alittle bit later on in a future
broadcast, but I thank God for aguy who mentored me and and
advised me the most importantthing he could do was to pray
every day with with his wife.
But a man's called to tonourish, to cherish, that means
(11:15):
to to soften her heart and tolove her. Bob, I was struck with
what a powerful redemptive toolmarriage was in my life. It
redeemed me from myself. Icouldn't do marriage as the
Bible talks about here withoutself denial, dying to my own
(11:36):
desires, and thinking about howcan I truly love this woman who
said yes to me, and love her asChrist loved the church?
Bob Lepine (11:45):
We've talked over the years about how Saturday
changed in Dennis' life as aresult of marriage. Right?
Barbara Rainey (11:51):
Yeah. It did, actually.
Bob Lepine (11:52):
Yeah. What changed?
Dennis Rainey (11:53):
It took
Barbara Rainey (11:53):
a while though, Bob.
Bob Lepine (11:56):
How long did it take?
Dennis Rainey (11:57):
As an inside joke, maybe maybe let the
listeners in on the inside jokea bit.
Barbara Rainey (12:02):
Yeah. I grew up in a in a household where my
father was, his job was he wasan engineer, so he knew how to
fix things. He knew how to fixeverything, and if he didn't
know how to fix it, he wouldfind out how to fix it because
he knew he could do it.
Dennis Rainey (12:15):
Let me just interrupt you for a second. Your
dad's job was being an engineer.That is correct. Mhmm. But your
dad was, and every fiber of hisbeing was an engineer.
Barbara Rainey (12:27):
That's right.
Dennis Rainey (12:27):
He was wired, hardwired to fix any problem on
the planet mechanically thathe'd ever encountered.
Bob Lepine (12:34):
And Dennis didn't have any wiring like that
anywhere, did he?
Barbara Rainey (12:37):
He didn't, but see, I assumed he did because I
thought because my dad had itthat all men had it. So I
assumed in that 1st year, maybe1st 10 years of our marriage,
that Dennis could fix things.And so once I learned that he
that wasn't natural to him, Ithought, well, he just can
learn. I mean, just get a bookand read it. I mean
Dennis Rainey (12:55):
Just connect the
Barbara Rainey (12:56):
wires. It can't be that hard. Yeah. And so that
was a big learning curve for mebecause I was making an
assumption about my husbandbased on what I'd seen in my
dad, thinking that it was a maletrait and not understanding that
it was a wiring trait that mydad had that my husband didn't
have. So we had all theseconflicts early in our marriage
(13:17):
because I would assume he, onSaturdays or even on other days,
was gonna go fix whatever neededto be fixed.
He was gonna build whatever weneeded built.
Bob Lepine (13:28):
And you were assuming that Saturday was about
Dennis Rainey (13:30):
Was gonna be spent as my dad always spent it.
He watched the game of the weekMhmm. Baseball, basketball,
didn't matter. Little fish anddrip, maybe? That was yeah.
That was, a man's kinda a man'sright, you know? And I kinda
thought it came with a ticket,you know? And I found out after
Barbara circled my easy chairthat I was sitting in a few
(13:50):
times like a little bit like abuzzard with roadkill, that that
wasn't my right in it, that Ihad better grow up and realize,
you know what? She has thingsshe needs me to do. And even if
I don't know how to fix them, Ineed to figure out how to get
the job done.
Barbara Rainey (14:05):
Exactly.
Dennis Rainey (14:06):
Exactly. But you did did you hear the statement
she just made? It took her 10years to lose total hope.
Bob Lepine (14:14):
10 years it took her 10 years to realize that
different is not bad, it'sdifferent.
Barbara Rainey (14:20):
There you go.
Bob Lepine (14:21):
And that expectation, sometimes you just
gotta go, okay, that's not who Imarried, but that's okay. Mhmm.
Because there are other thingsabout him that you still like,
aren't there?
Barbara Rainey (14:29):
Well, there were things that he was really good
at
Bob Lepine (14:31):
Yeah.
Barbara Rainey (14:32):
That my dad wasn't necessarily really good
at, and it took me a while tolearn those differences and to
appreciate them. And, you know,we thought when we got married
that we accepted each other justlike we were, and we felt that.
It was one of the things that Iwas most attracted to about
Dennis was that he accepted mefor who I was, the way I was,
and I didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
(14:55):
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings? Am I going to accept him
the way he is and love him theway he is?
That process is ongoing inmarriage.
Samantha Keller (15:15):
Barbara Rainey there, talking with her husband,
Dennis, and Bob Lepine. Theywere talking about the first two
of 11 rules about marriage thatyou won't learn in school. We'll
hit more of those rules infuture episodes of the Barbara
Rainey podcast, so stay tuned.If you aren't yet subscribed,
why don't you sign up today?You'll get weekly emails
(15:38):
delivered to your inbox andpodcast episodes twice a month,
along with tons of other extrasalong the way.
That includes first peeks at newitems in our Etsy shop. To
subscribe, just go tobarbaraamey.substack.com. Also,
coming up in September, don'tmiss the series Disappointment
with God. Dennis and Barbarahave some thought provoking
(16:02):
things to share with us abouthow we should respond in those
moments when God lets life takeus a different direction than we
would have chosen. Again,subscribe at barbararaneydot
substack.com.
Thanks for listening today. Besure to share this episode with
someone you know who wouldappreciate what you heard today.
(16:22):
I'm Samantha, inviting you backfor the Barbara Rainey podcast,
From Ever Thine Home.
Part of loving your spouse well is setting
aside your own unrealisticexpectations. Here's Barbara
Rainey.
Barbara Rainey (00:07):
You know, we thought when we got married that
we accepted each other just likewe were, and we felt that. It
was one of the things that I wasmost attracted to about Dennis
was that he accepted me for whoI was, the way I was, and I
didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
(00:28):
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings? Am I going to accept him
the way he is and love him theway he is? That process is
ongoing in marriage.
Samantha Keller (00:41):
This is the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever
Thine Home. Thanks for joiningus. Here's a quick analogy.
Think of your marriage like ahouse. It needs regular
maintenance.
And whether you've been marriedfor decades or or you're about
to get started in marriage, it'simportant to pay some attention
to the foundation of that house,what it's built on. Not too long
(01:06):
ago, Dennis and Barbara Raineysat down with their friend, Bob
Lapine, to talk about some ofthose foundational marriage
principles that couples need toremember. Here's Dennis to kick
off the conversation.
Dennis Rainey (01:18):
I ran across this deal that made a fast dash
across the Internet a number ofyears ago called 11 Things You
Won't Learn in School AboutJobs. Barbara and I decided to
just have some fun with this,and we decided to write our own
chapter called 11 rules aboutmarriage that you won't learn
Bob Lepine (01:36):
in school. And the first rule you've got on the
list is that marriage is notabout your happiness. Boy,
you're talking about acountercultural message. Is
isn't that why you got married,Barbara? Well, actually,
Barbara Rainey (01:49):
it's not. But it is the most common reason why
most couples get married becausethey think that this other
person is gonna make me happy.They think I make that other
person happy. And so how we feelabout each other and the kind of
relationship we have with eachother makes me feel good, so
therefore, this must be right.
Bob Lepine (02:06):
Well, you thought Dennis was gonna make you happy,
didn't you?
Barbara Rainey (02:09):
Well, I suppose I did at some level. I don't
know that I really thought inthat term quite as clearly,
maybe.
Dennis Rainey (02:16):
It's I'm
Barbara Rainey (02:16):
thinking about today. I don't know.
Dennis Rainey (02:18):
I'm thinking about this, and I I think it
would have been a tough sell forus to have really believed this
one. And I've said across thetable from an engaged couple,
they got stars in their eyes.This is a tough sell. Yeah. You
know, it's all about how youmake me feel.
I mean, they're thinking abouthow we're gonna we're gonna
drive off together into, youknow, to the castle, and he's
(02:39):
gonna carry me there, and she'sgonna be staring at me with
stars in her eyes. And Happilyever after. That's the way it
works. And there's no way theyhave any idea, no way we knew
what the fine print held. Yeah.
It's in the marriage covenant.Well, of
Bob Lepine (02:55):
course, we try to warn couples at the altar with
things like for better, forworse, for richer, for poorer,
sickness, health.
Dennis Rainey (03:01):
But that goes right over. Well, they're
Barbara Rainey (03:03):
here for better, for
Bob Lepine (03:05):
richer For richer, for suit and health. And and
even if you sit down with acouple and say, now you need to
understand, marriage is notabout your happiness. They go, I
know the Sunday school answer,but in the back of their mind
Right. They're getting marriedbecause something about this
relationship just feels reallygood.
Barbara Rainey (03:22):
Exactly. And so it's it is a very, very hard
sell because the emotion and thelack of reality that they're
experiencing in theirrelationship before marriage,
it's impossible for them to feelthe things that you're going to
feel one day in marriage.
Dennis Rainey (03:36):
And they fed on a steady diet. Right. But let's
face it. From Hollywood Yep. Ofincredibly romantic movies that
are all over in 2 hours Right.
And that cause you to weep andto cry, and it's so sweet, and
it always ends on the thecrescendo. Mhmm. And so I think
we all get married thinking thatwe're gonna experience some of
(03:58):
that in our marriagerelationship.
Bob Lepine (03:59):
And we are gonna experience some of that
Dennis Rainey (04:01):
We are.
Bob Lepine (04:01):
In our marriage relationship.
Dennis Rainey (04:02):
And we still do, by the way.
Bob Lepine (04:03):
But you've got John and Katie, my son and future
daughter-in-law, sitting acrossthe table from you, and you're
telling them it's not about yourhappiness, and they're gone
they're nodding their headgoing, yeah, we we understand.
So then Here's what I
Dennis Rainey (04:16):
like to say to a young couple. Yeah. I like to
say now, okay, John, would youlook at Katie? Look her in the
eyes. And, I actually mightstart with Katie first.
I said, look at John. Yourealize how what a selfish thug
he is? How how he has been usedto being single and meeting his
own needs, thinking abouthimself from sunup to sundown
(04:38):
and beyond. Mhmm. Look at him.
Do you realize that theScriptures speak about how he's
depraved? He is he's a sinfulman. Mhmm. He could be an
adulterous man in his heart, ormaybe in reality. Now now look
at him.
Look at him. And know, it'sinteresting. They start out
looking, and they're kindagrinning at each other. And then
(04:58):
I start going through this list,and it's like, oh, no. He's not
really that way.
Bob Lepine (05:03):
Right.
Dennis Rainey (05:04):
Then I ask him to look at her, and I go through
this same list with her, andthat happened with Barbara and
me when we were going throughour marriage preparation
council, which wasn't much.Somebody told you he
Bob Lepine (05:14):
was a selfish thug. Is that what I He
Dennis Rainey (05:16):
was a thug, but, that's that's been my addition
to to the whole thing. But,yeah, they I don't remember
that. Well, Don Meredith used tohe used to look us in the eyes,
and he goes, look at him. He'san adulterer. See, I
Barbara Rainey (05:28):
must have been a
Dennis Rainey (05:29):
liar. He's a
Barbara Rainey (05:29):
liar because
Dennis Rainey (05:30):
I don't remember that. He's capable of all this
Samantha Keller (05:32):
I didn't believe it.
Dennis Rainey (05:33):
All this stuff. But, you know, they don't
believe it because thishappiness factor, this fog
factor of how you start arelationship out, and as Barbara
said, the lack of reality in therelationship. You know, at the
end of the date, you take themhome Uh-huh. And you go back to
your place. But after marriage,as Barbara found out in our
(05:55):
marriage, she had to lockherself in the bathroom
Bob Lepine (05:58):
to get away from me. So so we gotta understand that
the the overarching purpose formarriage is not your happiness.
And the reason that's importantis because there'll be days when
you're not happy, and you'restill married even on the days
when you're not happy. Aren'tyou? Yeah.
They are. Right. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (06:13):
And then you gotta ask the question, so what
is the purpose? Right? And thatreally God's reputation is at
stake in your marriage and yourfamily.
Bob Lepine (06:23):
It's a transcendent call to live out your marriage
and your family to the glory ofGod. You've been hired as an
ambassador for the kingdom. Yourmarriage is a part of how you
live that out, and you need tomake sure you're representing
the king and, the homeland well.Right?
Dennis Rainey (06:40):
Here's where I wish I had the young couple, you
know, again, your son and hisfiancee, you have them in the
room. You wanna say, now listento me. This is where life makes
up its mind. Are you gonna liveout your marriage when the going
gets tough, and live out yourcommitment and have your
marriage go the distance?Because you 2 have a
(07:02):
transcendent purpose.
That's why God created men andwomen. It's about His image
being modeled in your lives.Will you live your marriage for
the glory and the purpose ofGod? So rule
Bob Lepine (07:16):
number 1 of your 11 rules is that marriage is not
primarily about your happiness.Rule number 2 is that God is at
work in marriage finishingsomething that he has begun.
Dennis Rainey (07:27):
Oh, yeah. And Barbara could comment on this.
I'll read it, and then I'll lether comment on it. Rule number
2, getting married gives a man achance to step up and finish
growing up.
Barbara Rainey (07:39):
And it's true for women too, but I think a lot
of times, we females, because wehave stars in our eyes, we think
our prince charming has it alltogether, and we see him
probably as more mature and morestable and more together than he
sees himself. And I think it'seasy for us as women I think
(08:01):
it's easy to underestimate theinsecurities that he feels and
the ways that he feels unsure,and marriage is good for him
because it will help him step upand be a man and finish growing
up.
Bob Lepine (08:12):
I remember a guest. I don't remember who it was, but
somebody who talked aboutmarriage as divine sandpaper or
a divine chisel. It's theongoing work of God to take an
incomplete, selfish human beingand start to chisel away at some
of the selfishness.
Dennis Rainey (08:27):
You know, you can't you can't fulfill what
God's got in the Bible and bemarried and then have children
and be successful in all thosecommitments simultaneously. You
have got to decide to denyyourself, and I think all roads
lead back to the guy. Will youlead the way as the head of your
(08:48):
home loving her, cherishing her,nourishing her, caring for her?
And Bob, it's one of theconcerns I've got about young
people today who are gettingmarried at an all time record
high. The average age for mengetting married today is the
highest it's ever been in thehistory of our country.
Bob Lepine (09:09):
It's like 28, isn't it?
Dennis Rainey (09:10):
It's 28. It's 27 for women Wow. And 28 for men.
And there's been a ton writtenabout this by sociologists who
wouldn't have a a Christianworldview persuasion. They're
just talking about how guystoday are delaying adult
responsibilities as long as theycan.
Bob Lepine (09:30):
How old were you when you got married? 24.
Alright. Barbara, if if Iintroduced the 24 year old
dentist to the dentist of today,what would be the biggest
difference? How is he whatwhat's the area where he's She
Dennis Rainey (09:48):
can answer this if I can call Mary Anne on the
phone and see how she wouldanswer. An area where you
Bob Lepine (09:55):
would say, yeah. This is where he needed to
finish growing up. Can you thinkof 1? That's a good question.
Barbara Rainey (10:01):
That's a really good question, and it's a really
hard one to answer. My firstthought was if we had them
standing side by side, they'revery different people, but I
can't think of just one area.
Dennis Rainey (10:11):
Well, I'll come to risk you here. I I would say
that there's a lot about beingsingle that, again, feeds
selfishness. Yeah. You get up inthe morning, you think about
what you're gonna eat, thinkabout what you're gonna do, you
think about how you're gonnaspend your day, how you're gonna
conclude your day. I mean, it'sall about who?
Me. Yeah. And when you getmarried, you can't live that way
(10:32):
any longer. When you getmarried, you say, by virtue of
the covenant of marriage, I'mnot gonna live for myself. I am
gonna be a husband who cares foryou, and so I need to start
thinking about Barbara and how Ican nourish her, which means to
provide nutrients that help herto grow spiritually.
(10:53):
Mhmm. That means a young man'sgotta think, how do I do that?
And I remember feeling inept. Ididn't know how to do that. And
I thank God we'll get to this alittle bit later on in a future
broadcast, but I thank God for aguy who mentored me and and
advised me the most importantthing he could do was to pray
every day with with his wife.
But a man's called to tonourish, to cherish, that means
(11:15):
to to soften her heart and tolove her. Bob, I was struck with
what a powerful redemptive toolmarriage was in my life. It
redeemed me from myself. Icouldn't do marriage as the
Bible talks about here withoutself denial, dying to my own
(11:36):
desires, and thinking about howcan I truly love this woman who
said yes to me, and love her asChrist loved the church?
Bob Lepine (11:45):
We've talked over the years about how Saturday
changed in Dennis' life as aresult of marriage. Right?
Barbara Rainey (11:51):
Yeah. It did, actually.
Bob Lepine (11:52):
Yeah. What changed?
Dennis Rainey (11:53):
It took
Barbara Rainey (11:53):
a while though, Bob.
Bob Lepine (11:56):
How long did it take?
Dennis Rainey (11:57):
As an inside joke, maybe maybe let the
listeners in on the inside jokea bit.
Barbara Rainey (12:02):
Yeah. I grew up in a in a household where my
father was, his job was he wasan engineer, so he knew how to
fix things. He knew how to fixeverything, and if he didn't
know how to fix it, he wouldfind out how to fix it because
he knew he could do it.
Dennis Rainey (12:15):
Let me just interrupt you for a second. Your
dad's job was being an engineer.That is correct. Mhmm. But your
dad was, and every fiber of hisbeing was an engineer.
Barbara Rainey (12:27):
That's right.
Dennis Rainey (12:27):
He was wired, hardwired to fix any problem on
the planet mechanically thathe'd ever encountered.
Bob Lepine (12:34):
And Dennis didn't have any wiring like that
anywhere, did he?
Barbara Rainey (12:37):
He didn't, but see, I assumed he did because I
thought because my dad had itthat all men had it. So I
assumed in that 1st year, maybe1st 10 years of our marriage,
that Dennis could fix things.And so once I learned that he
that wasn't natural to him, Ithought, well, he just can
learn. I mean, just get a bookand read it. I mean
Dennis Rainey (12:55):
Just connect the
Barbara Rainey (12:56):
wires. It can't be that hard. Yeah. And so that
was a big learning curve for mebecause I was making an
assumption about my husbandbased on what I'd seen in my
dad, thinking that it was a maletrait and not understanding that
it was a wiring trait that mydad had that my husband didn't
have. So we had all theseconflicts early in our marriage
(13:17):
because I would assume he, onSaturdays or even on other days,
was gonna go fix whatever neededto be fixed.
He was gonna build whatever weneeded built.
Bob Lepine (13:28):
And you were assuming that Saturday was about
Dennis Rainey (13:30):
Was gonna be spent as my dad always spent it.
He watched the game of the weekMhmm. Baseball, basketball,
didn't matter. Little fish anddrip, maybe? That was yeah.
That was, a man's kinda a man'sright, you know? And I kinda
thought it came with a ticket,you know? And I found out after
Barbara circled my easy chairthat I was sitting in a few
(13:50):
times like a little bit like abuzzard with roadkill, that that
wasn't my right in it, that Ihad better grow up and realize,
you know what? She has thingsshe needs me to do. And even if
I don't know how to fix them, Ineed to figure out how to get
the job done.
Barbara Rainey (14:05):
Exactly.
Dennis Rainey (14:06):
Exactly. But you did did you hear the statement
she just made? It took her 10years to lose total hope.
Bob Lepine (14:14):
10 years it took her 10 years to realize that
different is not bad, it'sdifferent.
Barbara Rainey (14:20):
There you go.
Bob Lepine (14:21):
And that expectation, sometimes you just
gotta go, okay, that's not who Imarried, but that's okay. Mhmm.
Because there are other thingsabout him that you still like,
aren't there?
Barbara Rainey (14:29):
Well, there were things that he was really good
at
Bob Lepine (14:31):
Yeah.
Barbara Rainey (14:32):
That my dad wasn't necessarily really good
at, and it took me a while tolearn those differences and to
appreciate them. And, you know,we thought when we got married
that we accepted each other justlike we were, and we felt that.
It was one of the things that Iwas most attracted to about
Dennis was that he accepted mefor who I was, the way I was,
and I didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
(14:55):
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings? Am I going to accept him
the way he is and love him theway he is?
That process is ongoing inmarriage.
Samantha Keller (15:15):
Barbara Rainey there, talking with her husband,
Dennis, and Bob Lepine. Theywere talking about the first two
of 11 rules about marriage thatyou won't learn in school. We'll
hit more of those rules infuture episodes of the Barbara
Rainey podcast, so stay tuned.If you aren't yet subscribed,
why don't you sign up today?You'll get weekly emails
(15:38):
delivered to your inbox andpodcast episodes twice a month,
along with tons of other extrasalong the way.
That includes first peeks at newitems in our Etsy shop. To
subscribe, just go tobarbaraamey.substack.com. Also,
coming up in September, don'tmiss the series Disappointment
with God. Dennis and Barbarahave some thought provoking
(16:02):
things to share with us abouthow we should respond in those
moments when God lets life takeus a different direction than we
would have chosen. Again,subscribe at barbararaneydot
substack.com.
Thanks for listening today. Besure to share this episode with
someone you know who wouldappreciate what you heard today.
(16:22):
I'm Samantha, inviting you backfor the Barbara Rainey podcast,
From Ever Thine Home.
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