January 27, 2025 • 17 mins
How can a couple invest in a marriage that lasts? It starts by gaining the right perspective. And, contrary to popular belief, the ultimate purpose of your marriage is not to make you happy. Dennis, Barbara, and Bob cover the first two rules.
Fun Fact from the Episode:
Did you know? Early in their marriage, Barbara assumed Dennis could fix things just like her dad could because she believed it was a typical male trait. It took her ten years to realize that Dennis had other strengths her dad didn't, teaching her to fully accept and love Dennis for who he is!
00:00 Acceptance in Marriage is Ongoing
04:20 "Marriage Advice for Young Couples"
08:30 Balancing Marriage and Biblical Roles
10:41 "Nourishing Love: A Husband's Journey"
15:13 Marriage Podcast Series Promotion
16:16 "Marriage Rules Beyond Fairytales"
5 Keys You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- Shattering Unrealistic Expectations: Barbara shares her experience on accepting your spouse as they are and the ongoing practice it requires.
- Marriage Beyond Happiness: Dennis explains why marriage is more about a transcendent purpose rather than just personal happiness.
- Role of Marriage as a Growth Agent: Get insights into how marriage helps both men and women grow up and mature in ways they never imagined.
- Selflessness in Marriage: Discover why self-denial is crucial and how it positively impacts your relationship.
- Adapting to Differences: Hear Barbara’s journey of learning to appreciate the unique differences between her and Dennis.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:00):
Part of loving your spouse well is setting aside
your own unrealisticexpectations. Here's Barbara
Ramey.
Barbara Rainey (00:07):
You know, we thought when we got married that
we accepted each other just likewe were, and we felt that. It
was one of the things that I wasmost attracted to about Dennis
was that he accepted me for whoI was, the way I was, and I
didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
(00:28):
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings? Am I going to accept him
the way he is and love him theway he is? That process is
ongoing in marriage.
Announcer (00:40):
This is the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever Thine
Home. Thanks for joining us.Here's a quick analogy. Think of
your marriage like a house. Itneeds regular maintenance.
And, whether you've been marriedfor decades or you're about to
get started in marriage, it'simportant to pay some attention
(01:02):
to the foundation of that house,what it's built on. Not too long
ago, Dennis and Barbara Raineysat down with their friend Bob
Lapine to talk about some ofthose foundational marriage
principles that couples need toremember. Dennis explains how
this series came about.
Dennis Rainey (01:20):
I ran across this deal that made a fast dash
across the Internet a number ofyears ago called, 11 things you
won't learn in school aboutjobs.
Announcer (01:30):
So he and Barbara decided to follow suit. They
came up with their own article,Beyond the Fairytale, 10 Rules
for a Marriage That Lasts.Here's Bob Lapine.
Bob Lepine (01:41):
And the first rule you've got on the list is that
marriage is not about yourhappiness. Boy, you're talking
about a counter culturalmessage. Is isn't that why you
got married, Barbara?
Barbara Rainey (01:52):
Well, actually, it's not. But it is the most
common reason why most couplesget married because they think
that this other person is gonnamake me happy. They think I make
that other person happy. And sohow we feel about each other and
the kind of relationship we havewith each other makes me feel
good, so therefore, this must beright.
Bob Lepine (02:11):
Well, you thought Dennis was gonna make you happy,
didn't you?
Barbara Rainey (02:13):
Well, I suppose I did at some level. I don't
know that I really thought inthat term quite as clearly
maybe. It's common today. Idon't know.
Dennis Rainey (02:22):
I'm thinking about this, and I I think it
would have been a tough sell forus to have really believed this
one. And I've said across thetable from an engaged couple,
they got stars in their eyes.This is a tough sell. Yeah. You
know, it it's all about how youmake me feel.
I mean, they're thinking abouthow we're gonna we're gonna
drive off together into, youknow, to the castle, and he's
(02:44):
gonna carry me there, and she'sgonna be staring at me with
stars in her eyes. And Happilyever after. That's the way it
works. And there's no way theyhave any idea, no way we knew
what the fine print held. Yeah.
That's in the marriage covenant.
Bob Lepine (02:59):
Well, of course, we try to warn couples at the altar
with things like for better, forworse, for richer, for poorer,
sickness, health.
Dennis Rainey (03:05):
But that goes right over.
Bob Lepine (03:07):
Well, they
Barbara Rainey (03:07):
hear for better, for richer For richer, for
Bob Lepine (03:10):
it helped. And and even if you sit down with a
couple and say, now you need tounderstand, marriage is not
about your happiness. They go, Iknow the Sunday school answer,
but in the back of their mindRight. They're getting married
because something about thisrelationship just feels really
good.
Barbara Rainey (03:26):
Exactly. And so it's it is a very, very hard
sell because the emotion and thelack of reality that they're
experiencing in theirrelationship before marriage,
it's impossible for them to feelthe things that you're going to
feel one day in marriage.
Dennis Rainey (03:40):
And they fed on a steady diet. Right. But let's
face it. From Hollywood Yep. Ofincredibly romantic movies that
are all over in 2 hours.
Right. And that cause you toweep and to cry, and it's so
sweet, and it always ends on thethe crescendo. Mhmm. And so I
think we all get marriedthinking that we're gonna
(04:01):
experience some of that in ourmarriage relationship.
Bob Lepine (04:03):
And we are gonna experience some of that in our
marriage relationship.
Dennis Rainey (04:06):
And we still do, by the
Bob Lepine (04:07):
way. But you've got John and Katie, my son and
future daughter-in-law sittingacross the table from you, and
you're telling them it's notabout your happiness, and
they're gone they're noddingtheir head going, yeah, we we
understand. So then Here's whatI
Dennis Rainey (04:21):
like to say to a young couple. Yeah. I like to
say now, okay, John, would youlook at Katie? Look her in the
eyes. And, I actually mightstart with Katie first.
I said, look at John. Yourealize how what a selfish thug
he is? How how he has been usedto being single and meeting his
own needs, thinking abouthimself from sunup to sundown
(04:42):
and beyond. Mhmm. Look at him.
Do you realize that thescriptures speak about how he's
depraved? He is he's a sinfulman. Mhmm. He could be an
adulterous man in his heart, ormaybe in reality. Now now look
at him, look at him.
And know, it's interesting. Theystart out looking, and they're
kinda grinning at each other.And then I start going through
(05:03):
this list, and it's like, oh,no. No. He's not really that
way.
Bob Lepine (05:07):
Right.
Dennis Rainey (05:08):
Then I ask him to look at her, and I go through
this same list with her. Andthat happened with Barbara and
me when we were going throughour marriage preparation
council, which
Bob Lepine (05:16):
wasn't which wasn't much. Somebody told you he was a
selfish thug? Is that what IWhat
Dennis Rainey (05:20):
a thug. But, that's that's been my addition
to to the whole thing. But,yeah, they I don't remember
that. Well, Don Meredith used tohe used to look us in the eyes,
and he goes, look at him. He'san adulterer.
Barbara Rainey (05:32):
See, I must have been
Dennis Rainey (05:33):
a liar. He's a liar because I don't remember
that. He's capable of all this I
Barbara Rainey (05:37):
didn't believe him.
Dennis Rainey (05:37):
All this stuff. But you know, they don't believe
it because this happinessfactor, this fog factor of how
you start a relationship out,and as Barbara said, the lack of
reality in the relationship, youknow, at the end of the date,
you take them home Uh-huh. Andyou go back to your place. But
after marriage, as Barbara foundout in our marriage, she had to
(06:00):
lock herself in the bathroom toget away from me.
Bob Lepine (06:04):
So so we gotta understand that the the
overarching purpose for marriageis not your happiness, and the
reason that's important isbecause there'll be days when
you're not happy, and you'restill married even on the days
when you're not happy, aren'tyou? Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (06:17):
And then you gotta ask the question, so what
is the purpose? Right? And thatreally God's reputation is at
stake in your marriage and yourfamily. It's a transcendent call
to live out your marriage andyour family to
Bob Lepine (06:32):
the glory of God. You've been hired as an
ambassador for the kingdom. Yourmarriage is a part of how you
live that out, and you need tomake sure you're representing
the king and, the homeland well.
Dennis Rainey (06:44):
Right? Here's where I wish I had the young
couple, you know, again, yourson and his fiancee, you have
him in the room. He wants tosay, now listen to me. This is
where life makes up its mind.Are you gonna live out your
marriage when the going getstough, and live out your
commitment, and have yourmarriage go the distance?
(07:04):
Because you 2 have atranscendent purpose. That's why
God created men and women. It'sabout His image being modeled in
your lives. Will you live yourmarriage for the glory and the
purpose of God? So rule
Bob Lepine (07:20):
number 1 is that marriage is not primarily about
your happiness. Rule number 2 isthat God is at work in marriage
finishing something that he hasbegun.
Dennis Rainey (07:31):
Oh, yeah. And Barbara could comment on this.
I'll read it, and then I'll lether comment on it. Rule number
2, getting married gives a man achance to step up and finish
growing up.
Barbara Rainey (07:42):
And it's true for women too. But I think a lot
of times, we females, because wehave stars in our eyes, we think
our prince charming has it alltogether, and we see him
probably as more mature and morestable and more together than he
sees himself. And I think it'seasy for us as women I think
(08:04):
it's easy to underestimate theunsure, and marriage is good for
him because
Dennis Rainey (08:11):
it will help
Barbara Rainey (08:11):
him step up and be a man and finish growing up.
Bob Lepine (08:15):
I remember a guest. I don't remember who it was, but
somebody who talked aboutmarriage as divine sandpaper or
a divine chisel. It's theongoing work of God to take an
incomplete, selfish human beingand start to chisel away at some
of the selfishness.
Dennis Rainey (08:30):
You know, you can't fulfill what God's got in
the Bible and be married andthen have children and be
successful in all thosecommitments simultaneously. You
have got to decide to denyyourself, and I think all roads
lead back to the guy. Will youlead the way as the head of your
home in sacrificing yourself onbehalf of your wife in loving
(08:54):
her, cherishing her, nourishingher, caring for her? And, Bob,
it's one of the concerns I'vegot about, young people today
who are getting married at anall time record high. The
average age for men gettingmarried today is the highest
it's ever been in the history ofour country.
It's like 28, isn't it? It's 28.It's 27 for women Wow. And 28
(09:16):
for men. And there's been a tonwritten about this by
sociologists who wouldn't have aChristian worldview persuasion.
They're just talking about howguys today are delaying adult
responsibilities as long as theycan.
Bob Lepine (09:32):
How old were you when you got married? 24.
Alright. Barbara, if Iintroduced the 24 year old
dentist to the dentist of today,what would be the biggest
difference? How is he whatwhat's the area where he's going
to go?
Dennis Rainey (09:49):
This if I can call Mary Anne on the phone and
see how she would answer.
Bob Lepine (09:54):
An area where you would say, yeah. This is where
he needed to finish growing up.Can you think of 1? That's a
good question.
Barbara Rainey (10:02):
That's a really good question, and it's a really
hard one to answer. My firstthought was if we had them
standing side by side, they'revery different people, but I
can't think of just one area.
Dennis Rainey (10:12):
Well, I'll come to a rescue here. I would say
that there's a lot about beingsingle that, again, feeds
selfishness. Yeah. You get up inthe morning, you think about
what you're gonna eat, thinkabout what you're gonna do,
you're you're thinking about howyou're gonna spend your day, how
you're gonna conclude your day.I mean, it's all about who?
Me. Yeah. And when you getmarried, you can't live that way
(10:33):
any longer. When you getmarried, you say, by virtue of
the covenant of marriage, I'mnot gonna live for myself. I am
gonna be a husband who cares foryou, and so I need to start
thinking about Barbara and how Ican nourish her, which means to
provide nutrients that help herto grow spiritually.
(10:54):
That means a young man's gottathink, how do I do that? And I
remember feeling inept. I didn'tknow how to do that. And I thank
God, we'll get to this a littlebit later on in a future
broadcast, but I thank God for aguy who mentored me and and
advised me the most importantthing he could do was to pray
every day with with his wife.But a man's called to to
nourish, to cherish, that meansto to soften her heart and to
(11:17):
love her.
Bob, I was struck with what apowerful redemptive tool
marriage was in my life. Itredeemed me from myself. I
couldn't do marriage as theBible talks about here without
self denial, dying to my owndesires, and thinking about how
(11:39):
can I truly love this woman whosaid yes to me and love her as
Christ loved the church?
Bob Lepine (11:45):
We've talked over the years about how Saturday
changed in Dennis' life as aresult of marriage. Right?
Barbara Rainey (11:52):
Yeah. It did, actually. Yeah. It's
Dennis Rainey (11:55):
what changed. It took a while though, Bob.
Bob Lepine (11:57):
How long did it take?
Dennis Rainey (11:58):
That's an inside joke. Maybe maybe let the
listeners in on the inside jokea bit.
Barbara Rainey (12:03):
Yeah. I grew up in a household where my father
was, his job was he was anengineer. So he knew how to fix
things. He knew how to fixeverything. And if he didn't
know how to fix it, he wouldfind out how to fix it because
he knew he could do it.
Dennis Rainey (12:16):
Let me just interrupt you for a second. Your
dad's job was being an engineer.That is correct.
Barbara Rainey (12:21):
Mhmm.
Dennis Rainey (12:21):
But your dad was, and every fiber of his being was
an engineer.
Barbara Rainey (12:27):
That's right.
Dennis Rainey (12:28):
He was wired, hardwired to fix any problem on
the planet mechanically thathe'd ever encountered.
Bob Lepine (12:34):
And Dennis didn't have any wiring like that
anywhere, did he?
Barbara Rainey (12:37):
He didn't, but see, I assumed he did because I
thought because my dad had it,that all men had it. So I
assumed in that 1st year, maybe1st 10 years of our marriage,
that Dennis could fix things.And so once I learned that he
that wasn't natural to him, Ithought, well, he just can
learn. I mean, just get a bookand read it.
Dennis Rainey (12:55):
I mean, it can Just connect the wires.
Barbara Rainey (12:56):
It can't be that hard. Yeah. And so that was a
big learning curve for mebecause I was making an
assumption about my husbandbased on what I'd seen in my
dad, thinking that it was a maletrait and not understanding that
it was a wiring trait that mydad had that my husband didn't
have. So we had all theseconflicts early in our marriage
(13:18):
because I would assume he, onSaturdays or even on other days,
was gonna go fix whatever neededto be fixed. He was gonna build
whatever we needed built.
Bob Lepine (13:28):
And you were assuming that Saturday was about
Dennis Rainey (13:31):
Was gonna be spent as my dad always spent it.
He watched the game of the week,baseball, basketball, didn't
matter.
Bob Lepine (13:38):
Little fish and drip maybe?
Dennis Rainey (13:39):
That was, yeah, that was a man's kinda a man's
right, you know. And I kindathought it came with the ticket,
you know. And I found out afterBarbara circled my easy chair
that I was sitting in a fewtimes like a little bit like a
buzzard with roadkill, that thatwasn't my right in it. That
buzzard with roadkill, that thatwasn't my right, and that I had
better grow up and realize, youknow what? She has things she
(14:00):
needs me to do.
And even if I don't know how tofix them, I need to figure out
how to get the job done.
Barbara Rainey (14:06):
Exactly.
Dennis Rainey (14:06):
Exactly. But you did did you hear the statement
she just made? It took her 10years to lose total hope. Yeah.
10 years
Bob Lepine (14:15):
it took her 10 years to realize that different is not
bad, it's different.
Barbara Rainey (14:20):
There you go.
Bob Lepine (14:21):
And that expectation, sometimes you just
gotta go, okay, that's not who Imarried, but that's okay. Mhmm.
Because there are other thingsabout him that you still like,
aren't there?
Barbara Rainey (14:30):
Well, there were things that he was really good
at Yeah. That my dad wasn'tnecessarily really good at, and
it took me a while to learnthose differences and to
appreciate them. And, you know,we thought when we got married
that we accepted each other justlike we were, and we felt that.
It was one of the things that Iwas most attracted to about
Dennis was that he accepted mefor who I was the way I was, and
(14:52):
I didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings?
Am I going to accept him the wayhe is and love him the way he
is? That process is ongoing inmarriage.
Announcer (15:13):
Barbara Rainey there talking with her husband,
Dennis, along with Bob Lapine.They were talking about the
first two of ten rules for amarriage that lasts. We'll hit
the other 8 of those rules inthis series on the Barbara
Rainey podcast, so stay tuned.The first two episodes are free
to anyone, but the last two willonly be for subscribers to
(15:35):
Barber's friends and family. Ifyou aren't yet subscribed, why
don't you sign up today?
You'll get weekly emailsdelivered to your inbox and
podcast episodes twice a monthalong with tons of other extras
along the way. That includesfirst peeks at new items in our
Etsy shop. To subscribe, just goto barbararaney.substack dot
(15:58):
com. Also, check out theresource How Do I Love Beam.
This is a series of hearts thatyou can hang in your home for
Valentine's Day or any time ofthe year.
The different hearts containphrases from 1st Corinthians
chapter 13, also known as thelove chapter. Look for how do I
love thee. You'll find it atbarbararaney.substack.com or
(16:22):
ever thine home.com. In thisepisode, we cover the first two
rules. Marriage is for more thanyour happiness, and getting
married gives men and women achance to finish growing up.
These rules are helpful foryoung couples. It's true. But
they're also a good reminder formarried couples at any age. In
(16:45):
the next episode, we'll talkabout 2 more from Dennis and
Barbara's list of 10 rules formarriage. It's part of living
beyond the fairy tale.
Thanks for listening today. Besure to share this podcast with
someone you know who wouldappreciate it. I'm Samantha,
inviting you back for theBarbara Rainey podcast from ever
(17:06):
thine home.
Part of loving your spouse well is setting aside
your own unrealisticexpectations. Here's Barbara
Ramey.
Barbara Rainey (00:07):
You know, we thought when we got married that
we accepted each other just likewe were, and we felt that. It
was one of the things that I wasmost attracted to about Dennis
was that he accepted me for whoI was, the way I was, and I
didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
(00:28):
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings? Am I going to accept him
the way he is and love him theway he is? That process is
ongoing in marriage.
Announcer (00:40):
This is the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever Thine
Home. Thanks for joining us.Here's a quick analogy. Think of
your marriage like a house. Itneeds regular maintenance.
And, whether you've been marriedfor decades or you're about to
get started in marriage, it'simportant to pay some attention
(01:02):
to the foundation of that house,what it's built on. Not too long
ago, Dennis and Barbara Raineysat down with their friend Bob
Lapine to talk about some ofthose foundational marriage
principles that couples need toremember. Dennis explains how
this series came about.
Dennis Rainey (01:20):
I ran across this deal that made a fast dash
across the Internet a number ofyears ago called, 11 things you
won't learn in school aboutjobs.
Announcer (01:30):
So he and Barbara decided to follow suit. They
came up with their own article,Beyond the Fairytale, 10 Rules
for a Marriage That Lasts.Here's Bob Lapine.
Bob Lepine (01:41):
And the first rule you've got on the list is that
marriage is not about yourhappiness. Boy, you're talking
about a counter culturalmessage. Is isn't that why you
got married, Barbara?
Barbara Rainey (01:52):
Well, actually, it's not. But it is the most
common reason why most couplesget married because they think
that this other person is gonnamake me happy. They think I make
that other person happy. And sohow we feel about each other and
the kind of relationship we havewith each other makes me feel
good, so therefore, this must beright.
Bob Lepine (02:11):
Well, you thought Dennis was gonna make you happy,
didn't you?
Barbara Rainey (02:13):
Well, I suppose I did at some level. I don't
know that I really thought inthat term quite as clearly
maybe. It's common today. Idon't know.
Dennis Rainey (02:22):
I'm thinking about this, and I I think it
would have been a tough sell forus to have really believed this
one. And I've said across thetable from an engaged couple,
they got stars in their eyes.This is a tough sell. Yeah. You
know, it it's all about how youmake me feel.
I mean, they're thinking abouthow we're gonna we're gonna
drive off together into, youknow, to the castle, and he's
(02:44):
gonna carry me there, and she'sgonna be staring at me with
stars in her eyes. And Happilyever after. That's the way it
works. And there's no way theyhave any idea, no way we knew
what the fine print held. Yeah.
That's in the marriage covenant.
Bob Lepine (02:59):
Well, of course, we try to warn couples at the altar
with things like for better, forworse, for richer, for poorer,
sickness, health.
Dennis Rainey (03:05):
But that goes right over.
Bob Lepine (03:07):
Well, they
Barbara Rainey (03:07):
hear for better, for richer For richer, for
Bob Lepine (03:10):
it helped. And and even if you sit down with a
couple and say, now you need tounderstand, marriage is not
about your happiness. They go, Iknow the Sunday school answer,
but in the back of their mindRight. They're getting married
because something about thisrelationship just feels really
good.
Barbara Rainey (03:26):
Exactly. And so it's it is a very, very hard
sell because the emotion and thelack of reality that they're
experiencing in theirrelationship before marriage,
it's impossible for them to feelthe things that you're going to
feel one day in marriage.
Dennis Rainey (03:40):
And they fed on a steady diet. Right. But let's
face it. From Hollywood Yep. Ofincredibly romantic movies that
are all over in 2 hours.
Right. And that cause you toweep and to cry, and it's so
sweet, and it always ends on thethe crescendo. Mhmm. And so I
think we all get marriedthinking that we're gonna
(04:01):
experience some of that in ourmarriage relationship.
Bob Lepine (04:03):
And we are gonna experience some of that in our
marriage relationship.
Dennis Rainey (04:06):
And we still do, by the
Bob Lepine (04:07):
way. But you've got John and Katie, my son and
future daughter-in-law sittingacross the table from you, and
you're telling them it's notabout your happiness, and
they're gone they're noddingtheir head going, yeah, we we
understand. So then Here's whatI
Dennis Rainey (04:21):
like to say to a young couple. Yeah. I like to
say now, okay, John, would youlook at Katie? Look her in the
eyes. And, I actually mightstart with Katie first.
I said, look at John. Yourealize how what a selfish thug
he is? How how he has been usedto being single and meeting his
own needs, thinking abouthimself from sunup to sundown
(04:42):
and beyond. Mhmm. Look at him.
Do you realize that thescriptures speak about how he's
depraved? He is he's a sinfulman. Mhmm. He could be an
adulterous man in his heart, ormaybe in reality. Now now look
at him, look at him.
And know, it's interesting. Theystart out looking, and they're
kinda grinning at each other.And then I start going through
(05:03):
this list, and it's like, oh,no. No. He's not really that
way.
Bob Lepine (05:07):
Right.
Dennis Rainey (05:08):
Then I ask him to look at her, and I go through
this same list with her. Andthat happened with Barbara and
me when we were going throughour marriage preparation
council, which
Bob Lepine (05:16):
wasn't which wasn't much. Somebody told you he was a
selfish thug? Is that what IWhat
Dennis Rainey (05:20):
a thug. But, that's that's been my addition
to to the whole thing. But,yeah, they I don't remember
that. Well, Don Meredith used tohe used to look us in the eyes,
and he goes, look at him. He'san adulterer.
Barbara Rainey (05:32):
See, I must have been
Dennis Rainey (05:33):
a liar. He's a liar because I don't remember
that. He's capable of all this I
Barbara Rainey (05:37):
didn't believe him.
Dennis Rainey (05:37):
All this stuff. But you know, they don't believe
it because this happinessfactor, this fog factor of how
you start a relationship out,and as Barbara said, the lack of
reality in the relationship, youknow, at the end of the date,
you take them home Uh-huh. Andyou go back to your place. But
after marriage, as Barbara foundout in our marriage, she had to
(06:00):
lock herself in the bathroom toget away from me.
Bob Lepine (06:04):
So so we gotta understand that the the
overarching purpose for marriageis not your happiness, and the
reason that's important isbecause there'll be days when
you're not happy, and you'restill married even on the days
when you're not happy, aren'tyou? Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (06:17):
And then you gotta ask the question, so what
is the purpose? Right? And thatreally God's reputation is at
stake in your marriage and yourfamily. It's a transcendent call
to live out your marriage andyour family to
Bob Lepine (06:32):
the glory of God. You've been hired as an
ambassador for the kingdom. Yourmarriage is a part of how you
live that out, and you need tomake sure you're representing
the king and, the homeland well.
Dennis Rainey (06:44):
Right? Here's where I wish I had the young
couple, you know, again, yourson and his fiancee, you have
him in the room. He wants tosay, now listen to me. This is
where life makes up its mind.Are you gonna live out your
marriage when the going getstough, and live out your
commitment, and have yourmarriage go the distance?
(07:04):
Because you 2 have atranscendent purpose. That's why
God created men and women. It'sabout His image being modeled in
your lives. Will you live yourmarriage for the glory and the
purpose of God? So rule
Bob Lepine (07:20):
number 1 is that marriage is not primarily about
your happiness. Rule number 2 isthat God is at work in marriage
finishing something that he hasbegun.
Dennis Rainey (07:31):
Oh, yeah. And Barbara could comment on this.
I'll read it, and then I'll lether comment on it. Rule number
2, getting married gives a man achance to step up and finish
growing up.
Barbara Rainey (07:42):
And it's true for women too. But I think a lot
of times, we females, because wehave stars in our eyes, we think
our prince charming has it alltogether, and we see him
probably as more mature and morestable and more together than he
sees himself. And I think it'seasy for us as women I think
(08:04):
it's easy to underestimate theunsure, and marriage is good for
him because
Dennis Rainey (08:11):
it will help
Barbara Rainey (08:11):
him step up and be a man and finish growing up.
Bob Lepine (08:15):
I remember a guest. I don't remember who it was, but
somebody who talked aboutmarriage as divine sandpaper or
a divine chisel. It's theongoing work of God to take an
incomplete, selfish human beingand start to chisel away at some
of the selfishness.
Dennis Rainey (08:30):
You know, you can't fulfill what God's got in
the Bible and be married andthen have children and be
successful in all thosecommitments simultaneously. You
have got to decide to denyyourself, and I think all roads
lead back to the guy. Will youlead the way as the head of your
home in sacrificing yourself onbehalf of your wife in loving
(08:54):
her, cherishing her, nourishingher, caring for her? And, Bob,
it's one of the concerns I'vegot about, young people today
who are getting married at anall time record high. The
average age for men gettingmarried today is the highest
it's ever been in the history ofour country.
It's like 28, isn't it? It's 28.It's 27 for women Wow. And 28
(09:16):
for men. And there's been a tonwritten about this by
sociologists who wouldn't have aChristian worldview persuasion.
They're just talking about howguys today are delaying adult
responsibilities as long as theycan.
Bob Lepine (09:32):
How old were you when you got married? 24.
Alright. Barbara, if Iintroduced the 24 year old
dentist to the dentist of today,what would be the biggest
difference? How is he whatwhat's the area where he's going
to go?
Dennis Rainey (09:49):
This if I can call Mary Anne on the phone and
see how she would answer.
Bob Lepine (09:54):
An area where you would say, yeah. This is where
he needed to finish growing up.Can you think of 1? That's a
good question.
Barbara Rainey (10:02):
That's a really good question, and it's a really
hard one to answer. My firstthought was if we had them
standing side by side, they'revery different people, but I
can't think of just one area.
Dennis Rainey (10:12):
Well, I'll come to a rescue here. I would say
that there's a lot about beingsingle that, again, feeds
selfishness. Yeah. You get up inthe morning, you think about
what you're gonna eat, thinkabout what you're gonna do,
you're you're thinking about howyou're gonna spend your day, how
you're gonna conclude your day.I mean, it's all about who?
Me. Yeah. And when you getmarried, you can't live that way
(10:33):
any longer. When you getmarried, you say, by virtue of
the covenant of marriage, I'mnot gonna live for myself. I am
gonna be a husband who cares foryou, and so I need to start
thinking about Barbara and how Ican nourish her, which means to
provide nutrients that help herto grow spiritually.
(10:54):
That means a young man's gottathink, how do I do that? And I
remember feeling inept. I didn'tknow how to do that. And I thank
God, we'll get to this a littlebit later on in a future
broadcast, but I thank God for aguy who mentored me and and
advised me the most importantthing he could do was to pray
every day with with his wife.But a man's called to to
nourish, to cherish, that meansto to soften her heart and to
(11:17):
love her.
Bob, I was struck with what apowerful redemptive tool
marriage was in my life. Itredeemed me from myself. I
couldn't do marriage as theBible talks about here without
self denial, dying to my owndesires, and thinking about how
(11:39):
can I truly love this woman whosaid yes to me and love her as
Christ loved the church?
Bob Lepine (11:45):
We've talked over the years about how Saturday
changed in Dennis' life as aresult of marriage. Right?
Barbara Rainey (11:52):
Yeah. It did, actually. Yeah. It's
Dennis Rainey (11:55):
what changed. It took a while though, Bob.
Bob Lepine (11:57):
How long did it take?
Dennis Rainey (11:58):
That's an inside joke. Maybe maybe let the
listeners in on the inside jokea bit.
Barbara Rainey (12:03):
Yeah. I grew up in a household where my father
was, his job was he was anengineer. So he knew how to fix
things. He knew how to fixeverything. And if he didn't
know how to fix it, he wouldfind out how to fix it because
he knew he could do it.
Dennis Rainey (12:16):
Let me just interrupt you for a second. Your
dad's job was being an engineer.That is correct.
Barbara Rainey (12:21):
Mhmm.
Dennis Rainey (12:21):
But your dad was, and every fiber of his being was
an engineer.
Barbara Rainey (12:27):
That's right.
Dennis Rainey (12:28):
He was wired, hardwired to fix any problem on
the planet mechanically thathe'd ever encountered.
Bob Lepine (12:34):
And Dennis didn't have any wiring like that
anywhere, did he?
Barbara Rainey (12:37):
He didn't, but see, I assumed he did because I
thought because my dad had it,that all men had it. So I
assumed in that 1st year, maybe1st 10 years of our marriage,
that Dennis could fix things.And so once I learned that he
that wasn't natural to him, Ithought, well, he just can
learn. I mean, just get a bookand read it.
Dennis Rainey (12:55):
I mean, it can Just connect the wires.
Barbara Rainey (12:56):
It can't be that hard. Yeah. And so that was a
big learning curve for mebecause I was making an
assumption about my husbandbased on what I'd seen in my
dad, thinking that it was a maletrait and not understanding that
it was a wiring trait that mydad had that my husband didn't
have. So we had all theseconflicts early in our marriage
(13:18):
because I would assume he, onSaturdays or even on other days,
was gonna go fix whatever neededto be fixed. He was gonna build
whatever we needed built.
Bob Lepine (13:28):
And you were assuming that Saturday was about
Dennis Rainey (13:31):
Was gonna be spent as my dad always spent it.
He watched the game of the week,baseball, basketball, didn't
matter.
Bob Lepine (13:38):
Little fish and drip maybe?
Dennis Rainey (13:39):
That was, yeah, that was a man's kinda a man's
right, you know. And I kindathought it came with the ticket,
you know. And I found out afterBarbara circled my easy chair
that I was sitting in a fewtimes like a little bit like a
buzzard with roadkill, that thatwasn't my right in it. That
buzzard with roadkill, that thatwasn't my right, and that I had
better grow up and realize, youknow what? She has things she
(14:00):
needs me to do.
And even if I don't know how tofix them, I need to figure out
how to get the job done.
Barbara Rainey (14:06):
Exactly.
Dennis Rainey (14:06):
Exactly. But you did did you hear the statement
she just made? It took her 10years to lose total hope. Yeah.
10 years
Bob Lepine (14:15):
it took her 10 years to realize that different is not
bad, it's different.
Barbara Rainey (14:20):
There you go.
Bob Lepine (14:21):
And that expectation, sometimes you just
gotta go, okay, that's not who Imarried, but that's okay. Mhmm.
Because there are other thingsabout him that you still like,
aren't there?
Barbara Rainey (14:30):
Well, there were things that he was really good
at Yeah. That my dad wasn'tnecessarily really good at, and
it took me a while to learnthose differences and to
appreciate them. And, you know,we thought when we got married
that we accepted each other justlike we were, and we felt that.
It was one of the things that Iwas most attracted to about
Dennis was that he accepted mefor who I was the way I was, and
(14:52):
I didn't feel like I had toperform. But after you get
married, you have to practicethat over and over again because
you discover these things thataren't the way you thought they
were gonna be, and so you haveto go, oh, do I really accept
him now that I know he can't fixthings?
Am I going to accept him the wayhe is and love him the way he
is? That process is ongoing inmarriage.
Announcer (15:13):
Barbara Rainey there talking with her husband,
Dennis, along with Bob Lapine.They were talking about the
first two of ten rules for amarriage that lasts. We'll hit
the other 8 of those rules inthis series on the Barbara
Rainey podcast, so stay tuned.The first two episodes are free
to anyone, but the last two willonly be for subscribers to
(15:35):
Barber's friends and family. Ifyou aren't yet subscribed, why
don't you sign up today?
You'll get weekly emailsdelivered to your inbox and
podcast episodes twice a monthalong with tons of other extras
along the way. That includesfirst peeks at new items in our
Etsy shop. To subscribe, just goto barbararaney.substack dot
(15:58):
com. Also, check out theresource How Do I Love Beam.
This is a series of hearts thatyou can hang in your home for
Valentine's Day or any time ofthe year.
The different hearts containphrases from 1st Corinthians
chapter 13, also known as thelove chapter. Look for how do I
love thee. You'll find it atbarbararaney.substack.com or
(16:22):
ever thine home.com. In thisepisode, we cover the first two
rules. Marriage is for more thanyour happiness, and getting
married gives men and women achance to finish growing up.
These rules are helpful foryoung couples. It's true. But
they're also a good reminder formarried couples at any age. In
(16:45):
the next episode, we'll talkabout 2 more from Dennis and
Barbara's list of 10 rules formarriage. It's part of living
beyond the fairy tale.
Thanks for listening today. Besure to share this podcast with
someone you know who wouldappreciate it. I'm Samantha,
inviting you back for theBarbara Rainey podcast from ever
(17:06):
thine home.
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