May 23, 2025 • 25 mins
I share the story of the darkest time in my life when my spiritual guru Babaji died in 2016, and how this profound loss ultimately led to deeper spiritual understanding and awakening.
• The unique way Babaji addressed me not as a personality but as the true self within
• The concept of oneness that formed the foundation of my spiritual journey
• Experiencing Brahmgyana (knowledge of the ultimate self) through the traditional Upanishadic method
• The continuity of spiritual teaching despite changes in physical gurus
• Finding the sameness in spiritual teachings across different traditions and teachers
• Moving from intellectual understanding to simply resting in awareness
• Recognizing that what I worship isn't the form of the guru but the formless consciousness they embody
• The transformation from my darkest time to the brightest as I realized Babaji never truly left
• How seeing the Guru in everything and everyone expands our capacity for understanding
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of
the Bearded Mystic Podcast, andI'm your host, rahul N Singh.
Thank you for joining today,and today I want to talk about
the darkest time in my life, andI want to talk about it because
I did talk about it briefly onmy conversation with Noe Rata.
(00:25):
If you haven't watched that,please do.
It's a really good conversationwhere I got to share this time
in my life and it's the firsttime I've kind of shared it in
an open way on a podcast anywayan open way on a podcast anyway.
(00:58):
So the darkest time in my lifewas when my guru died, where I
felt like I had lost everything.
And this was because when youlose your spiritual guru, it's
not literally losing somebody inyour life, it's not just.
You know I grew up listening tothis and it was practically
(01:24):
true your guru loves you morethan your own family, your own
friends, your own.
That's not diminishing the loveof your family and friends, but
what I could say was true wasthat, you know, I felt
especially for me, this ispersonal to me that Babaji loved
(01:47):
me like anything and I lovedhim like anything, and so when
you lose that person in yourlife, that's difficult in itself
when you lose a human being.
You know, and Babaji was such,where you know he was an amazing
(02:07):
human being.
You know you couldn't fault him.
He was humble, kind-hearted,sweet-natured, you know, had a
great sense of humor.
There's so many great qualitiesand qualities and you know, and
(02:30):
I think losing that was onething, but the biggest one was
losing the spiritual guru.
Now, it was the first time,obviously, I have experienced
such a thing where youphysically lose the guru, and
during that time I rememberbefore.
So in where I go to the Nangaimission, the successor is named
(02:52):
and there was three days whenthe successor wasn't named but
it became his wife, who was thenext successor, and now it's his
daughter, his and his wife'sdaughter.
Um, but I'll go into that in aminute.
Uh, so those three days whenthere was no mention, at least
(03:13):
not in my head, like who wasgoing to be in my head, I was
still distraught that I'd lostsomeone so close to me, so dear
to me, and the loss was more soto do with the kind of guidance
(03:34):
and help that I got spiritually.
Babaji was someone where Iwould go and speak to him about
anything and everything If I hada problem in life, I would
think of him in life.
I would think of him More orless the material problems I
addressed in my time when I usedto prayer, or in prayer or
meditation.
I would converse with himthrough that way, but, um, but
(03:58):
when it came to the um, but whenit came to spiritual issues
that I had or problems, I wouldaddress him directly about it.
And you know, our conversationswere somewhat funny because of
that.
You know, I would kind of takeeverything I said lightheartedly
(04:20):
and he would give solutions ina light-hearted way, but they
were proper solutions to myproblems and the one thing that
he if I, if I could sum up hisadvice or the way he tended to
give advice, it was to empoweryou to realize who you truly are
(04:41):
, and it was always coming backto this.
Um, he would turn around andsay, well, I don't understand
why you're saying this, and atfirst I used to think he's
talking to rahul the person, butnow I look back and I'm like he
never talked to rahul thepersonality.
He talked to the atma that waswithin.
(05:01):
And look how many it's taken mewhat he died in 2016.
It's taken me nine years andit's crazy to say nine years.
It scares me to think that it'sbeen nine years, but I just
then I realized, you know what.
He never addressed me as theperson.
Uh, yes, you know, obviously youplay the game of name and form,
(05:25):
but when it came to thespiritual problems, it was never
a personal thing that heinteracted with me, it was more
from a real spiritual place Ireally kind of had a lot of
(05:46):
gratitude for was hisexploration of oneness, and this
oneness topic was something I'dkind of dealt with before he
announced a kind of a conventionin that name.
But I was thinking about this alot, the oneness between a
(06:07):
master and disciple and I keptthinking about this so much.
And in 2012, I rememberreleasing a book and that's when
the relationship changed and Ithink it was more to do with the
oneness experience.
I had a real physicalexperience of oneness, very
(06:29):
tangible, where I felt, wherethere was this experience of
being expanded and being onewith the universe, and that
happened on two occasions onceduring meditation and once when
I was out on a walk, meditation,and so obviously I had these
experiences as my base, butthey're all.
If I go back to thoseexperiences, it was all because
(06:52):
of one thing that I got from theNirankari mission since a young
age, and that was there's twothings One, you have satsang,
where you know, you'reconstantly being reminded about
this formless, this Nirankar.
Then there is the aspect of then, there's the aspect of
Brahmgyana.
So when you have the knowledgeof the ultimate self, so to
(07:15):
speak, the ultimate presence,the ultimate existence, the
ultimate kind of consciousness,so when and if I go back to
those experiences in my head, Ifollowed that route and that
route, the Gyan that is given isactually done in the.
(07:38):
Now I've realized it's done inthe Upanishadic tradition, like
it's actually a traditionalmethod, actually a traditional
method.
It's not, uh, as much as it'skind of modern in some ways, but
it's actually following thetraditional method where you, um
, look at what's beingsuperimposed you and then you
negate the superimposition andreality is revealed to you.
(08:01):
And, um, as much as I say easyhere, um, you know, in my
opinion, it's only when thisknowledge is given to you as you
experience it directly, betweenthe master or the master's
representative and, and thedisciple, and the disciple
that's open to that knowledge,does it actually work?
Um, so when I had this, uh,when I received this knowledge
(08:27):
many times, but my experienceswere always based on this.
So when I read the Upanishads,it spoke to me, because I read
it with that knowledge, thatBrahmagyan in my mind.
When I read the Bhagavad Gita,same thing when I read the works
of Meister Eckhart or Rumi, oreven Buddhist texts, even some
(08:50):
science books I used to readsome stuff on science and it
would just remind me of theBrahmagyan.
And so I realized that wheneverI shared spiritual questions or
spiritual explorations withBabaji, he was addressing me in
(09:11):
a different manner and I was andthat was the same thing Like I
addressed him as the, as Ishvara.
Now, in the Nengaray mission,we term Ishvara and Nirgun as
(09:32):
the same, but if we had to trulylook at it, nirgun Nyingari is
there, it's here, it's thetranscendent and the imminent,
but more so, the imminent is Ish, the um is Ishwara.
So the personal god, the great.
(09:54):
How I related this to AdvaitaVedanta, because I was studying
Advaita Vedanta even back then,and I even mentioned this to
Babaji that this is the onephilosophy that's making a lot
of sense to me, um, and and thenI realized and I realized this
now, not necessarily then thatyou know the guru in the nirgai
(10:15):
mission is seen as ishwara, andthat makes so much sense and
it's so much easier to connectwith because, uh, in the
beginning of a spiritual journeyyou need a physical form to
kind of connect with.
So when you have that physicalform, you connect to that
physical form.
That takes you to the formless,that it to the nirguna.
It just makes absolute sense.
(10:35):
So you see the manifestationand you go to the unmanifest and
it was such an easy and it'ssuch an easy process that now I
look back I'm like this wascrazy, that I was experiencing
all this and I didn't even havewords for this, I didn't have
any way of explaining this andyou know, and somewhat even till
(11:00):
today, regardless of babaji'sum, and now I'm out of that dark
time but what I would say isthat that Brahmagyan element,
that ultimate knowledge element,the realization of this
formless element, that neverleft, that was with me even.
(11:26):
I remember, if I recall back tothe moments when I saw Babaji's
body in front of me, I justremember that only my awareness
really remained in that moment.
Even grief hadn't turned up.
(11:47):
At that point I was still inthe kind of shock that this,
this has happened, because youknow, and actually the the
context for that is, in amonth's time, babaji was going
to conduct me and my wife'smarriage.
So you know, I was superexcited about that and, and I
(12:08):
would say, and even even in mymarriage ceremony, even though
Babaji wasn't physically there,satguru Mata Savindaji, who was
his wife, who became the guru,even though she wasn't
physically there, I kind ofstill felt that they were there.
And it was really weird, like Iremember saying to my wife I
don't know how to, because mydad asked me if I wanted to say
(12:28):
a few words and I couldn't,because all I kept feeling was
their presence and it wasbringing tears to my eyes at the
time.
I mean, it was just crazy.
So if someone looked back andthey were like, oh, you're
crying on your wedding, it'sbecause their presence was
overwhelming and and again, itwas just maybe it was the
(12:50):
emotions at that time.
But, like I mentioned, theawareness was still there and
that awareness of the formulaswas still very present.
It was the only thing that waskind of keeping me going, so to
speak.
So, you know, my wife being thebest savior, the best person to
kind of take me out of thissituation, um, you know, to
(13:14):
today, where, um, you know, thecurrent master is Babaji's
daughter and but there's, youknow, there's one thing I
noticed, even when Babaji's wifewas a guru, that something had
carried on, and I didn't havewords for what that was, I just
recognized it.
(13:35):
But my mind was so and I wantto say it's my ego it was just
so hell-bent on seeing if therewas difference.
And and by constantly seeingdifference, by constantly, you
know, it was just constantlyplaying this game and but inside
(13:58):
of me, inside my heart, all Iknew was there was this, there
was a sameness, and I didn'tknow what, and I think my mind
didn't know what to do with it,because probably it was still
dealing with Babaji's loss.
And even till today, like Iwould say, I've dealt with the
loss, like, okay, you know, Iaccept that he's gone, but I
(14:22):
miss him every day, like I don'tthink there's not been a day
since May 13, 2016 when I foundout that I've not thought about
him.
There will be something thatwill happen in the day, or
there'll just be the waking upand just thinking of him, and
(14:44):
that still happens.
But recently, you know, thisfeeling has got transferred to
Mataji, mataji Siddhikshaji,who's the current guru, and but
the reason why the base is thereis so, if Babaji gave me
(15:05):
oneness, then in Mataji's time,funny enough, and this is so.
This is why I find my journeyfascinating.
But let me just give a littleum segue, um, let me just not so
great, let me just take onestep back in this time.
(15:25):
Um, this was before Babaji'sdeath, but there was a time when
I also took the knowledge fromthe Brahma Kumaris and, in my
opinion, and the knowledge ofthe Brahma Kumaris just didn't
sit well with me.
It just it felt very childishand wasn't as deep as I think
(15:51):
people there thought it was.
But you know, if it serves apurpose for their followers,
there's nothing, you know,there's nothing.
It just didn't work for me.
So there's that Then.
So anyway, so, yeah, so I'vedone my bit of searching.
(16:12):
You know, I have gone to otherplaces of worship, other gurus,
and I've met them.
And you know, I think there'snothing wrong with that, I give
them the same respect and I saw,you know, I see and I realize.
So you know, you have to seethe guru in everything, and
(16:32):
that's what makes it easier tosee the guru in everything and
that's what makes it easier.
So anyway, um, so, prior to, so, as my mind is like wrestling
with the sameness and it'strying to see difference, right,
so I'm going to do that.
Then comes um swamisevapriyanandaji.
Someone shows me a video.
A friend showed me a video andsent it to me.
(16:54):
I delayed watching that videofor a while and then I kind of
watched it.
It was the first video Iwatched of him.
His was about no mind.
So I watched that and I waslike, wow, this guy speaks a lot
of sense.
So then for ages I just keptlistening to his um teachings
and his sharings, and you knowwe've also interviewed him on
(17:17):
this podcast.
So I obviously I explore hismessages about consciousness and
awareness and, lo and behold,mataji's main topic, my current
guru's main topic, is aboutconsciousness, and it's just.
(17:41):
I'm in awe and I just don'tunderstand that whenever I keep
developing the guru's, like ohyeah, I'm with you on this, like
we're talking about the samething, like, oh yeah, I'm with
you on this, like we're talkingabout the same thing, and so,
(18:02):
having that experience, I don'tknow if I've worded it correctly
or whether it makes sense orwhether it's just a word salad,
I'm not sure, but it justthere's been a continuity.
And I've not realized thecontinuity until I've actually,
in the past say a year, I'vejust rested in awareness.
And when I've rested inawareness, everything has just
(18:24):
been being discovered.
And so, um, and just likerecently, it was just very weird
that, um, and just likerecently, it was just very weird
that I felt like I was missingMataji, just like I missed
Babaji, and the interactionsbetween myself and Babaji was
much more than it is with Mataji, but I felt like I missed it.
(18:49):
The same way, and it was justagain like as much as my mind
was trying to grapple with it,and again, like as much as my
mind was trying to grapple withit, this time I was able to tell
my mind to calm down and to letmy heart just feel what my
heart had to feel.
And so there's that, and Ithink a lot of it was triggered
(19:13):
by, I remember, when somebodyasked me that why do I still go
to satsang, and you know, andthey were saying that things
aren't the same and, um, youknow, it isn't the same as when
Babaji was alive, and all this,and I mentioned one thing to
that person that when Babaji washere.
When I was in sangatsang, Iconnected only to Nirguna, to
(19:36):
the formless, to consciousness.
Now, when I go to satsang,that's the only thing that I'm
connected to.
Yes, I listen to the thoughts.
I listen to the thoughts moreas if you want to say, like you
know, you, when you go to thecinema and you watch a movie,
(19:57):
and you just and you watch themovie and and that's it, you
know and you enjoy it.
That's literally what it is, if, if anything, um, I'm only
looking for that content whichis taking me to the formless.
And even then, I don't need that, because this Brahmgyana that's
been given is the same, andthat Brahmgyana, that ultimate
(20:21):
realization, that knowledge oftruth, that knowledge of the
ultimate reality of Brahman, hasnot gone anywhere.
It hasn't changed, it's stillthe same.
So, in essence, you know whatwas the darkest time in my life?
Today I'm living the brightesttime in my life, and it's not
(20:43):
because, because now I know thatBabaji hasn't gone anywhere.
The Lord of Love remains alwaysin the heart and Ishwara is
always here.
So, whether it's Mata Svendaji,his wife, she's still my Satguru
.
Babaji is still my Satguru andso is Mataji, mata Siddhikshaji,
(21:07):
she's my Satguru and I thinkbringing.
What I'm saying is they are alltheir essence, because I see
them as Ishvara.
Their essence is ofconsciousness, and consciousness
is essentially formless.
So what I'm worshipping, whatI'm in love with, what I adore,
(21:28):
what's in my heart, is nothingbut the formless, nothing but
consciousness itself.
And bringing all this is whattrue oneness is, and it's taken
me so long to realize this, buta journey that I am so grateful
for, a journey that has onlyempowered me to become a better
(21:55):
person and to bring that into mylife.
So, if anything, you know, youcan have feelings of oneness,
you can have feelings ofconsciousness, you can
experience this thing and youmay chase after it, but if it
doesn't make you a better humanbeing, then there's really no
point of it.
And essentially, all I can sayis that when you see the Guru in
(22:24):
everything and in everyone,life becomes easier Because you
know the one thing that happensand I noticed this when I went
to other places of worshipeveryone will say that they have
the one true Guru or the onetrue philosophy or whatever, but
when you see the sameness ineverything, when you have that
(22:45):
samdrishti this is somethingthat babaji and mataji talk a
lot about having that samevision.
When you have that same vision,then your world opens up to
levels which you've neverimagined in your life and you
open your heart so much, youexpand so much, you become
(23:06):
boundless, because there is somuch to learn from everyone, and
as much as yes, there's goingto be differences, like.
There's things I don't believein duality at all and they are
dualistic philosophies, but thatdoesn't mean they don't have
any rightity at all.
And they are dualisticphilosophies but that doesn't
mean they don't have any rightto exist.
Of course they do and they mustexist.
(23:27):
Who am I to say they shouldn't?
You know, but I don't have tofollow it.
You know that's my choice.
But in essence, I know thatnon-duality is there because
it's the absence of duality, andduality is nothing but the
absence of non-duality, andthat's what it is and it's.
(23:49):
And when you go beyond thisgame, you just see what you need
to see.
You just see reality.
That's all you see.
All you see is brahman, all yousee is the self, the
consciousness, the atman.
That's all you see.
So that's really I wanted toshare is, and you know, yes,
I've gone from the darkest timeto what is now like the best
(24:12):
time in my life, I've startedwriting poetry again that I'm
enjoying, um, you know, and Iused to write poetry all the
time during Babaji's, whenBabaji was alive, and then, even
when Babaji died, I wrotepoetry, but it was all about the
pain of losing him.
And now it's about the pain.
(24:35):
I mean not the pain, it's aboutthe joy of being in this being,
immersing myself in thisboundless, formless
consciousness, and I wouldn'ttrade it for anything.
And, um, all I can say is Ihave immense gratitude to my
(24:58):
sattva guru, to my guru, and allI know is that I have to be a
sincere and honest devotee,that's all.
And the more I do that, themore I gain and the more I enjoy
from reading the scriptures,like right now I'm rereading the
(25:18):
Upanishads.
I'm absolutely loving itbecause it's just taking me back
to what really matters, whichis consciousness.
And, um, without the brahm gyanthat my sattva guru gave to me,
I don't think I'll be sharing onon podcasts, um, so yeah,
(25:41):
anyway, on podcasts.
So, yeah, anyway, I just wantto take.
I just leave that with you.
Let me know what you thinkabout this episode.
Yeah, take care everyone,namaste to you all.
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of
the Bearded Mystic Podcast, andI'm your host, rahul N Singh.
Thank you for joining today,and today I want to talk about
the darkest time in my life, andI want to talk about it because
I did talk about it briefly onmy conversation with Noe Rata.
(00:25):
If you haven't watched that,please do.
It's a really good conversationwhere I got to share this time
in my life and it's the firsttime I've kind of shared it in
an open way on a podcast anywayan open way on a podcast anyway.
(00:58):
So the darkest time in my lifewas when my guru died, where I
felt like I had lost everything.
And this was because when youlose your spiritual guru, it's
not literally losing somebody inyour life, it's not just.
You know I grew up listening tothis and it was practically
(01:24):
true your guru loves you morethan your own family, your own
friends, your own.
That's not diminishing the loveof your family and friends, but
what I could say was true wasthat, you know, I felt
especially for me, this ispersonal to me that Babaji loved
(01:47):
me like anything and I lovedhim like anything, and so when
you lose that person in yourlife, that's difficult in itself
when you lose a human being.
You know, and Babaji was such,where you know he was an amazing
(02:07):
human being.
You know you couldn't fault him.
He was humble, kind-hearted,sweet-natured, you know, had a
great sense of humor.
There's so many great qualitiesand qualities and you know, and
(02:30):
I think losing that was onething, but the biggest one was
losing the spiritual guru.
Now, it was the first time,obviously, I have experienced
such a thing where youphysically lose the guru, and
during that time I rememberbefore.
So in where I go to the Nangaimission, the successor is named
(02:52):
and there was three days whenthe successor wasn't named but
it became his wife, who was thenext successor, and now it's his
daughter, his and his wife'sdaughter.
Um, but I'll go into that in aminute.
Uh, so those three days whenthere was no mention, at least
(03:13):
not in my head, like who wasgoing to be in my head, I was
still distraught that I'd lostsomeone so close to me, so dear
to me, and the loss was more soto do with the kind of guidance
(03:34):
and help that I got spiritually.
Babaji was someone where Iwould go and speak to him about
anything and everything If I hada problem in life, I would
think of him in life.
I would think of him More orless the material problems I
addressed in my time when I usedto prayer, or in prayer or
meditation.
I would converse with himthrough that way, but, um, but
(03:58):
when it came to the um, but whenit came to spiritual issues
that I had or problems, I wouldaddress him directly about it.
And you know, our conversationswere somewhat funny because of
that.
You know, I would kind of takeeverything I said lightheartedly
(04:20):
and he would give solutions ina light-hearted way, but they
were proper solutions to myproblems and the one thing that
he if I, if I could sum up hisadvice or the way he tended to
give advice, it was to empoweryou to realize who you truly are
(04:41):
, and it was always coming backto this.
Um, he would turn around andsay, well, I don't understand
why you're saying this, and atfirst I used to think he's
talking to rahul the person, butnow I look back and I'm like he
never talked to rahul thepersonality.
He talked to the atma that waswithin.
(05:01):
And look how many it's taken mewhat he died in 2016.
It's taken me nine years andit's crazy to say nine years.
It scares me to think that it'sbeen nine years, but I just
then I realized, you know what.
He never addressed me as theperson.
Uh, yes, you know, obviously youplay the game of name and form,
(05:25):
but when it came to thespiritual problems, it was never
a personal thing that heinteracted with me, it was more
from a real spiritual place Ireally kind of had a lot of
(05:46):
gratitude for was hisexploration of oneness, and this
oneness topic was something I'dkind of dealt with before he
announced a kind of a conventionin that name.
But I was thinking about this alot, the oneness between a
(06:07):
master and disciple and I keptthinking about this so much.
And in 2012, I rememberreleasing a book and that's when
the relationship changed and Ithink it was more to do with the
oneness experience.
I had a real physicalexperience of oneness, very
(06:29):
tangible, where I felt, wherethere was this experience of
being expanded and being onewith the universe, and that
happened on two occasions onceduring meditation and once when
I was out on a walk, meditation,and so obviously I had these
experiences as my base, butthey're all.
If I go back to thoseexperiences, it was all because
(06:52):
of one thing that I got from theNirankari mission since a young
age, and that was there's twothings One, you have satsang,
where you know, you'reconstantly being reminded about
this formless, this Nirankar.
Then there is the aspect of then, there's the aspect of
Brahmgyana.
So when you have the knowledgeof the ultimate self, so to
(07:15):
speak, the ultimate presence,the ultimate existence, the
ultimate kind of consciousness,so when and if I go back to
those experiences in my head, Ifollowed that route and that
route, the Gyan that is given isactually done in the.
(07:38):
Now I've realized it's done inthe Upanishadic tradition, like
it's actually a traditionalmethod, actually a traditional
method.
It's not, uh, as much as it'skind of modern in some ways, but
it's actually following thetraditional method where you, um
, look at what's beingsuperimposed you and then you
negate the superimposition andreality is revealed to you.
(08:01):
And, um, as much as I say easyhere, um, you know, in my
opinion, it's only when thisknowledge is given to you as you
experience it directly, betweenthe master or the master's
representative and, and thedisciple, and the disciple
that's open to that knowledge,does it actually work?
Um, so when I had this, uh,when I received this knowledge
(08:27):
many times, but my experienceswere always based on this.
So when I read the Upanishads,it spoke to me, because I read
it with that knowledge, thatBrahmagyan in my mind.
When I read the Bhagavad Gita,same thing when I read the works
of Meister Eckhart or Rumi, oreven Buddhist texts, even some
(08:50):
science books I used to readsome stuff on science and it
would just remind me of theBrahmagyan.
And so I realized that wheneverI shared spiritual questions or
spiritual explorations withBabaji, he was addressing me in
(09:11):
a different manner and I was andthat was the same thing Like I
addressed him as the, as Ishvara.
Now, in the Nengaray mission,we term Ishvara and Nirgun as
(09:32):
the same, but if we had to trulylook at it, nirgun Nyingari is
there, it's here, it's thetranscendent and the imminent,
but more so, the imminent is Ish, the um is Ishwara.
So the personal god, the great.
(09:54):
How I related this to AdvaitaVedanta, because I was studying
Advaita Vedanta even back then,and I even mentioned this to
Babaji that this is the onephilosophy that's making a lot
of sense to me, um, and and thenI realized and I realized this
now, not necessarily then thatyou know the guru in the nirgai
(10:15):
mission is seen as ishwara, andthat makes so much sense and
it's so much easier to connectwith because, uh, in the
beginning of a spiritual journeyyou need a physical form to
kind of connect with.
So when you have that physicalform, you connect to that
physical form.
That takes you to the formless,that it to the nirguna.
It just makes absolute sense.
(10:35):
So you see the manifestationand you go to the unmanifest and
it was such an easy and it'ssuch an easy process that now I
look back I'm like this wascrazy, that I was experiencing
all this and I didn't even havewords for this, I didn't have
any way of explaining this andyou know, and somewhat even till
(11:00):
today, regardless of babaji'sum, and now I'm out of that dark
time but what I would say isthat that Brahmagyan element,
that ultimate knowledge element,the realization of this
formless element, that neverleft, that was with me even.
(11:26):
I remember, if I recall back tothe moments when I saw Babaji's
body in front of me, I justremember that only my awareness
really remained in that moment.
Even grief hadn't turned up.
(11:47):
At that point I was still inthe kind of shock that this,
this has happened, because youknow, and actually the the
context for that is, in amonth's time, babaji was going
to conduct me and my wife'smarriage.
So you know, I was superexcited about that and, and I
(12:08):
would say, and even even in mymarriage ceremony, even though
Babaji wasn't physically there,satguru Mata Savindaji, who was
his wife, who became the guru,even though she wasn't
physically there, I kind ofstill felt that they were there.
And it was really weird, like Iremember saying to my wife I
don't know how to, because mydad asked me if I wanted to say
(12:28):
a few words and I couldn't,because all I kept feeling was
their presence and it wasbringing tears to my eyes at the
time.
I mean, it was just crazy.
So if someone looked back andthey were like, oh, you're
crying on your wedding, it'sbecause their presence was
overwhelming and and again, itwas just maybe it was the
(12:50):
emotions at that time.
But, like I mentioned, theawareness was still there and
that awareness of the formulaswas still very present.
It was the only thing that waskind of keeping me going, so to
speak.
So, you know, my wife being thebest savior, the best person to
kind of take me out of thissituation, um, you know, to
(13:14):
today, where, um, you know, thecurrent master is Babaji's
daughter and but there's, youknow, there's one thing I
noticed, even when Babaji's wifewas a guru, that something had
carried on, and I didn't havewords for what that was, I just
recognized it.
(13:35):
But my mind was so and I wantto say it's my ego it was just
so hell-bent on seeing if therewas difference.
And and by constantly seeingdifference, by constantly, you
know, it was just constantlyplaying this game and but inside
(13:58):
of me, inside my heart, all Iknew was there was this, there
was a sameness, and I didn'tknow what, and I think my mind
didn't know what to do with it,because probably it was still
dealing with Babaji's loss.
And even till today, like Iwould say, I've dealt with the
loss, like, okay, you know, Iaccept that he's gone, but I
(14:22):
miss him every day, like I don'tthink there's not been a day
since May 13, 2016 when I foundout that I've not thought about
him.
There will be something thatwill happen in the day, or
there'll just be the waking upand just thinking of him, and
(14:44):
that still happens.
But recently, you know, thisfeeling has got transferred to
Mataji, mataji Siddhikshaji,who's the current guru, and but
the reason why the base is thereis so, if Babaji gave me
(15:05):
oneness, then in Mataji's time,funny enough, and this is so.
This is why I find my journeyfascinating.
But let me just give a littleum segue, um, let me just not so
great, let me just take onestep back in this time.
(15:25):
Um, this was before Babaji'sdeath, but there was a time when
I also took the knowledge fromthe Brahma Kumaris and, in my
opinion, and the knowledge ofthe Brahma Kumaris just didn't
sit well with me.
It just it felt very childishand wasn't as deep as I think
(15:51):
people there thought it was.
But you know, if it serves apurpose for their followers,
there's nothing, you know,there's nothing.
It just didn't work for me.
So there's that Then.
So anyway, so, yeah, so I'vedone my bit of searching.
(16:12):
You know, I have gone to otherplaces of worship, other gurus,
and I've met them.
And you know, I think there'snothing wrong with that, I give
them the same respect and I saw,you know, I see and I realize.
So you know, you have to seethe guru in everything, and
(16:32):
that's what makes it easier tosee the guru in everything and
that's what makes it easier.
So anyway, um, so, prior to, so, as my mind is like wrestling
with the sameness and it'strying to see difference, right,
so I'm going to do that.
Then comes um swamisevapriyanandaji.
Someone shows me a video.
A friend showed me a video andsent it to me.
(16:54):
I delayed watching that videofor a while and then I kind of
watched it.
It was the first video Iwatched of him.
His was about no mind.
So I watched that and I waslike, wow, this guy speaks a lot
of sense.
So then for ages I just keptlistening to his um teachings
and his sharings, and you knowwe've also interviewed him on
(17:17):
this podcast.
So I obviously I explore hismessages about consciousness and
awareness and, lo and behold,mataji's main topic, my current
guru's main topic, is aboutconsciousness, and it's just.
(17:41):
I'm in awe and I just don'tunderstand that whenever I keep
developing the guru's, like ohyeah, I'm with you on this, like
we're talking about the samething, like, oh yeah, I'm with
you on this, like we're talkingabout the same thing, and so,
(18:02):
having that experience, I don'tknow if I've worded it correctly
or whether it makes sense orwhether it's just a word salad,
I'm not sure, but it justthere's been a continuity.
And I've not realized thecontinuity until I've actually,
in the past say a year, I'vejust rested in awareness.
And when I've rested inawareness, everything has just
(18:24):
been being discovered.
And so, um, and just likerecently, it was just very weird
that, um, and just likerecently, it was just very weird
that I felt like I was missingMataji, just like I missed
Babaji, and the interactionsbetween myself and Babaji was
much more than it is with Mataji, but I felt like I missed it.
(18:49):
The same way, and it was justagain like as much as my mind
was trying to grapple with it,and again, like as much as my
mind was trying to grapple withit, this time I was able to tell
my mind to calm down and to letmy heart just feel what my
heart had to feel.
And so there's that, and Ithink a lot of it was triggered
(19:13):
by, I remember, when somebodyasked me that why do I still go
to satsang, and you know, andthey were saying that things
aren't the same and, um, youknow, it isn't the same as when
Babaji was alive, and all this,and I mentioned one thing to
that person that when Babaji washere.
When I was in sangatsang, Iconnected only to Nirguna, to
(19:36):
the formless, to consciousness.
Now, when I go to satsang,that's the only thing that I'm
connected to.
Yes, I listen to the thoughts.
I listen to the thoughts moreas if you want to say, like you
know, you, when you go to thecinema and you watch a movie,
(19:57):
and you just and you watch themovie and and that's it, you
know and you enjoy it.
That's literally what it is, if, if anything, um, I'm only
looking for that content whichis taking me to the formless.
And even then, I don't need that, because this Brahmgyana that's
been given is the same, andthat Brahmgyana, that ultimate
(20:21):
realization, that knowledge oftruth, that knowledge of the
ultimate reality of Brahman, hasnot gone anywhere.
It hasn't changed, it's stillthe same.
So, in essence, you know whatwas the darkest time in my life?
Today I'm living the brightesttime in my life, and it's not
(20:43):
because, because now I know thatBabaji hasn't gone anywhere.
The Lord of Love remains alwaysin the heart and Ishwara is
always here.
So, whether it's Mata Svendaji,his wife, she's still my Satguru
.
Babaji is still my Satguru andso is Mataji, mata Siddhikshaji,
(21:07):
she's my Satguru and I thinkbringing.
What I'm saying is they are alltheir essence, because I see
them as Ishvara.
Their essence is ofconsciousness, and consciousness
is essentially formless.
So what I'm worshipping, whatI'm in love with, what I adore,
(21:28):
what's in my heart, is nothingbut the formless, nothing but
consciousness itself.
And bringing all this is whattrue oneness is, and it's taken
me so long to realize this, buta journey that I am so grateful
for, a journey that has onlyempowered me to become a better
(21:55):
person and to bring that into mylife.
So, if anything, you know, youcan have feelings of oneness,
you can have feelings ofconsciousness, you can
experience this thing and youmay chase after it, but if it
doesn't make you a better humanbeing, then there's really no
point of it.
And essentially, all I can sayis that when you see the Guru in
(22:24):
everything and in everyone,life becomes easier Because you
know the one thing that happensand I noticed this when I went
to other places of worshipeveryone will say that they have
the one true Guru or the onetrue philosophy or whatever, but
when you see the sameness ineverything, when you have that
(22:45):
samdrishti this is somethingthat babaji and mataji talk a
lot about having that samevision.
When you have that same vision,then your world opens up to
levels which you've neverimagined in your life and you
open your heart so much, youexpand so much, you become
(23:06):
boundless, because there is somuch to learn from everyone, and
as much as yes, there's goingto be differences, like.
There's things I don't believein duality at all and they are
dualistic philosophies, but thatdoesn't mean they don't have
any rightity at all.
And they are dualisticphilosophies but that doesn't
mean they don't have any rightto exist.
Of course they do and they mustexist.
(23:27):
Who am I to say they shouldn't?
You know, but I don't have tofollow it.
You know that's my choice.
But in essence, I know thatnon-duality is there because
it's the absence of duality, andduality is nothing but the
absence of non-duality, andthat's what it is and it's.
(23:49):
And when you go beyond thisgame, you just see what you need
to see.
You just see reality.
That's all you see.
All you see is brahman, all yousee is the self, the
consciousness, the atman.
That's all you see.
So that's really I wanted toshare is, and you know, yes,
I've gone from the darkest timeto what is now like the best
(24:12):
time in my life, I've startedwriting poetry again that I'm
enjoying, um, you know, and Iused to write poetry all the
time during Babaji's, whenBabaji was alive, and then, even
when Babaji died, I wrotepoetry, but it was all about the
pain of losing him.
And now it's about the pain.
(24:35):
I mean not the pain, it's aboutthe joy of being in this being,
immersing myself in thisboundless, formless
consciousness, and I wouldn'ttrade it for anything.
And, um, all I can say is Ihave immense gratitude to my
(24:58):
sattva guru, to my guru, and allI know is that I have to be a
sincere and honest devotee,that's all.
And the more I do that, themore I gain and the more I enjoy
from reading the scriptures,like right now I'm rereading the
(25:18):
Upanishads.
I'm absolutely loving itbecause it's just taking me back
to what really matters, whichis consciousness.
And, um, without the brahm gyanthat my sattva guru gave to me,
I don't think I'll be sharing onon podcasts, um, so yeah,
(25:41):
anyway, on podcasts.
So, yeah, anyway, I just wantto take.
I just leave that with you.
Let me know what you thinkabout this episode.
Yeah, take care everyone,namaste to you all.
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