June 9, 2024 • 30 mins
Define Failure: Exploring Perspectives
Let's first unpack what we mean by failure. Is it a final destination, or a temporary setback? Perceptions vary. For some, it's not achieving a specific goal. For others, it's a feeling of inadequacy. But here's the key: failure is subjective and doesn't define your worth. EVER.
The Detour Effect
Think of failure as a detour, a temporary change in course. History is filled with detours that ultimately led to breakthroughs. Each "failure" was a learning experience, a detour on his path to illumination (pun intended!).
Real-Life Detours to Success
These detours, these failures, didn't stop them. They fueled their determination and ultimately led to their extraordinary achievements. Just like me, I am not perfect nor am I exempt from detours in my life.
Benefits of Detours
Detours, disguised as failures, offer unexpected advantages. They build resilience. Each setback strengthens your ability to bounce back. They teach new skills. You learn from mistakes, adapt your approach, and gain valuable knowledge. Detours even offer a fresh perspective. Sometimes the best path isn't the most direct one.
Coping with Failure: Strategies for Success
So, how do we navigate these detours constructively? Here's your personalized toolkit:
- Reframe your failure as a learning experience. Ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?"
- Identify the lessons learned in each teaching moment. What went wrong? How can you improve next time?
- Apply those lessons to future endeavors. Don't let the detour become a dead end. Use it as a springboard to propel you forward.
- Building a permanent self-compassion habit. Be kind to yourself. Everyone experiences setbacks.
- Embrace all forms of your resilience. View failure as a temporary obstacle, not a permanent roadblock.
Remember, detours are inevitable. The key is to use them as opportunities for growth and transformation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to the Behavioral Blueprint podcast,
(00:02):
where we will unlock the secrets of human behavior
and empower you to better understand yourself and others.
Today's episode is going to be about the detour effect
and how it relates to you overcoming the failures that you endure
and also how to keep strategies for yourself for betterment.
We all have a simple understanding of success,
(00:24):
and what that means to us is relatively important
of how we undergo our lives and also check ourselves a scene.
All of the things are completely normal,
and I want you to know that you are here for a reason.
The things that you have quote-unquote failed are not failures.
They're purposely built for you to have redirection in your life,
(00:47):
and they're not just a simple subject
or a simple thing for people to make fun of you for.
It's something that you can be proud of.
It's something that you can bring up in a conversation
to further have somebody else gain recollection
and also understanding for themselves for a future, any type of advice.
You are a person that goes through the specific types of experiences
(01:11):
that you go through because you were meant to go through it.
And heavy on through it, we want to go over it, we want to go under it,
but we never want to go through the emotions
because of the fear mentality that I think a lot of people have
with even addressing their emotions of themselves.
Since the beginning of time,
(01:32):
we have identified people as winners or losers.
We have first place, second place, and third place.
We have the champions, we have the losers,
we have block systems that further identify
if we can get good grades or not.
We have societal structures that tell us
(01:54):
that we're not supposed to do this and we're supposed to do that.
And this way is wrong and this way is right.
There's a lot of black and whiteness between failure and success.
And that can go into so many different aspects
of where we are as people in today.
But the myth of being a failure or being in a space of failing
(02:17):
is seeing it as if it's a negative thing.
I'm going to teach you how to twist this into knowing that failure
is honestly a secret form of optimism
that can prepare you for anything that you need to go through.
One perspective that I've noticed with understanding failure
is seeing your relationship with loss
(02:40):
and then also your relationship with not having something that you want.
When I was younger, I used to play basketball
and I honestly thought that I was going to win every single game
because I deserved to win the game
and I was special enough and I was kind enough
and I wasn't going to hit a girl too hard,
but I also wasn't going to hit her too soft
(03:03):
and I also was going to make the rebounds
and do all the things that required me to go easily,
straight into whatever better opportunity at hand.
But once you realize that you're not 6'4",
like the 16-year-old basketball chick that you've never met before
on the opposite side of school,
it is a very, very rude awakening.
(03:25):
You realize that failure is not just a battleground,
but it's your form of looking at yourself.
How much can you push towards the thing that is telling you no
or the thing that made you realize that you're not enough?
Being not enough isn't a failure.
Being not enough is telling you
(03:46):
and identifying what you can work better on.
Also, another perspective for myself from what I've experienced
is relationship failure and parental failure
and so many other forms of failure
that people think isn't successful
because they hear the word failure.
Failure can be transformed and repurposed and reseeded
(04:09):
and replanted into growth,
into meaningful experiences that I can walk away from every day
and know that they go into the better character for myself
and know that these things that told me no
and know to all these better things
that I thought could work for me,
(04:30):
when in reality, they were supposed to tell me no
to hit that ego for myself
or to hit that insecurity for me to check it.
That's where you can really angle yourself
because what your emotions are
or what your relationship with failure is
isn't going to identify to who you are as a person.
(04:50):
You have to separate the identity of the emotion
and then separate the identity of who you are.
My name is Solana Newton.
I know I'm Solana Newton because I know where I came from.
I'm not the feeling of failure
because failure came from something else.
I did not have to be the thing that is failure
(05:11):
because of the fact that I just made the action of failure.
I am not a failure of myself.
I'm going to give you guys a story time.
So when I was 17,
I wanted to be in a space of like doing the whole YouTube thing
(05:32):
and doing the whole influencer thing
because I saw a lot of people back in like 2021
become very quickly influencers.
And it completely broke my heart
because I thought that I had to be like other people.
And I thought that I failed
because I saw the Charlie D'Amelio's
(05:54):
and the amazing influencers like the Monets
and all of these people,
the Monet McMichael, shout out to her,
become these actual hardworking employees
and all these influencers for all these different things.
And I felt like I was a failure because it wasn't my time.
(06:17):
Your timing and your preparation for your story
will include failure if it is something
that you're supposed to fail in.
If you're not supposed to be in this situation
and you fail, but then you question and say,
why did I fail at this situation?
Honestly, if you don't know why you did it,
(06:38):
then most likely you were supposed to do it.
Further understanding why I felt like a failure at 17
and felt like I wanted to be a part of the something
that I couldn't be a part of
came from when I was back in elementary school
where I felt excluded from people whenever I was a kid
(06:59):
because somebody didn't want to pick me
whenever we were doing bowling or swing sets.
And that's where our best point comes from.
It's not that moment where that person triggers you
or that moment where you fail at something
or that moment where you get no.
It's that thing all the way back from when you can't even remember
(07:21):
because we got to connect the subconscious.
Your subconscious is who you think you have to believe you are.
Now let's go into the detour effect.
So for example, the detour could be you getting fired from your job
or you having to quit your job
or you being in an unexpected place
(07:43):
where you have to unfortunately be laid off from your job
or your girlfriend or boyfriend just broke up with you
and you don't know where to go
and you feel like you didn't expect to see this coming
and you have to pivot.
It can be all the things that you ideally see as a failure
and that can go for anything.
But my focus is understanding that those experience setbacks
(08:08):
can help you achieve success.
Those things that you see are not going to just be detours.
They're meant for you to understand new skills for yourself.
They're meant for you to understand the benefit of the detour
to know that if you didn't, let's say for example,
if you didn't go through that specific thing
(08:29):
and you had to deal with the same thing 20 years later,
you wouldn't know how to deal with it.
And imagine if that 20-year-later situation
had way more weight to it for your life.
Now for the second thing.
Building resilience and understanding adversity for yourself
will create a skill that other people do not have.
(08:52):
Understanding how adversity and knowing how to pivot for your life
when things do get hard or when things can create strain
for your life or your stress or your personal endeavors,
you know that they are actually something that you can become from
or you can learn from.
(09:13):
A good example that I've understood is I recently didn't understand
where I was coming from from my emotional aspect of like my boundaries
and stuff with relationships.
But then I of course had my therapist break it down to me and tell me,
you didn't do this because of who you think you are today.
You did this because you thought that it worked prior.
(09:35):
So think of that mindset or think of that whenever you make a decision
because you quickly didn't even think about it.
That's your subconscious making a decision for you.
That's not you making a decision for you.
You have to create a new subconscious for yourself
because your subconscious is four years old.
(09:56):
Your subconscious is eight years old.
Your subconscious is nine years old when they had to do the fight
or flight decision that you think you're in now when it's not as stressful
today compared to before.
Also, a different perspective that I want you to focus on for the benefit
of the detour is knowing that the no's are your blessing.
(10:17):
The no's are the things that are going to require you to question
and look back at your character and be like,
hmm, maybe I could have did better on this.
Maybe I could have did better on that.
Maybe I could have did better on this situation.
And unfortunately, a part of life is going to show you that, man,
you got to fail at that situation that you really, really wanted.
(10:39):
And then you really, really des—and you thought that it was destined for you.
When in reality, that was destined for somebody else.
You can't hold on to certain things because, of course, that's going to be a failure.
When you question what it means to not let go, because then that's a whole bigger—
that's a bigger fish to fry, honestly, because that goes into not wanting to let go
(11:05):
of relationships because you're in a mindset of fear.
When you're in a mindset of failure, you're in a mindset of fear.
And yes, you can manifest fear.
Yes, you can manifest failure.
Ways that you can manifest fear.
You can manifest fear by just joking about the fear to the person that you feel
(11:27):
just a little bit nervous around, but you know that if they were right behind you,
they would honestly make you a little afraid.
You can manifest fear by just simply looking at somebody and looking at how they
respond to how, like, your conversations or anything that you're doing.
You can manifest fear by just being yourself.
(11:48):
And that is something that we can talk about because evil eye is real.
And people can be afraid of you or you can be afraid of other people.
Now, for the fourth segment that we have, I don't think I was listing out the numbers,
so sorry in advance, but the fourth segment that we have is going to be coping with failure.
(12:10):
And I always say you have to have strategies and you have to have goals if you want to do something
that is real and that is tangible and that is something that you know will be put in books.
That is something that is important to you.
So the three things that I have for you that are important for you to know as a strategy
(12:32):
and for a goal for yourself, please update me also with your goals of what you guys are doing
for your goals with failure.
Let me know in the comments.
Refrain your failure and understand that it's a learning experience.
Everything that you're doing, even the human environment, even the human connection,
(12:53):
even the human experience is about learning.
The failure part of your life is a learning experience because you learned from the thing saying no to you.
You wanted it your way, but in reality, it was not supposed to go your way
because imagine even with you saying that you wanted it in your way, you still could have been wrong.
(13:15):
You still might not have enjoyed it the way that you wanted to,
or you could have taken away somebody else's experience that could have taken it
way different than how you could have taken it.
Number two, identify what type of lessons you learned and then apply them, of course, into your future.
Don't just, oh, I did this situation and I feel kind of bad for this,
(13:37):
and now I'm just going to walk away and not learn anything from it.
How does that build any type of morality or any type of concrete character
that you need to have in your life when you deal with other people?
There's people out here, 45, 26, 74, that don't even know the concept of coping with their failures
(14:01):
or dealing with any type of detour in their life.
I know 70-year-old people right now that will freak out if there is something, a change in their schedule.
Like, people are not in the way that you think they are.
We see these people today that don't have connections with themselves,
so we see them lose sense of who they are.
(14:23):
And last but not least, you need to build self-compassion with yourself,
and then also knowing how to remove yourself from the situations that are connected to forms of failure.
Unless you do have a relationship where you think you can go back,
you have to know when you have to cut the sword or cut the tie,
(14:48):
because the things that are telling you no are telling you no for a reason.
The things that are completely heartbreaking for you to not understand and you don't know why it's this way
are meant for you to know that you're supposed to give yourself not just compassion, not just love,
but the adversity of knowing that there's another challenge right through the door.
(15:12):
There's another opportunity right through the door.
There are 7 billion people, so of course there's going to be trillions of opportunities right there for you
for the thing that you are meant to do, mind you.
That thing that you wanted to do and the thing that you're meant to do can be two completely different things.
And if you do not have the discernment to know the difference between the two,
(15:36):
then how are you going to be beneficial in this world?
For yourself and then also for your friends, your families, your sisters, your cousins, your everybody.
Hey there, Behavioral Blueprint Podcast listeners.
I hope you're enjoying the episode of Understanding and Exploring Failure and the Detour Effect.
I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please take a moment to rate and review and also comment
(15:58):
for the podcast to have better feedback for what you like best.
Also, I do have a surprise for you guys and also some bad news.
I have to let you guys know that this is going to be the season finale of the Behavioral Blueprint Podcast Season 1.
And I have a couple of surprises for you with my two babies that I have,
(16:24):
my bonus episodes that are going to be there for you guys coming out very soon.
These episodes are going to go over setbacks, success, understanding creative endeavors,
understanding how looks on the outside shell aren't really like on the inside shell of people's lives.
My best friend, Kaden, she is one of my guests on one of my episodes that I have coming out
(16:51):
and I'm so excited to invite her to my podcast.
And also I have my other two friends, Isu and Kylie, that are going to be going over
what it really feels like to be a creative under the microscopic lens of being who you are.
And I'm so, so, so excited. I cannot explain this enough to anybody.
(17:14):
These episodes are going to be insane and I'm so glad that I'm able to create this process for everybody.
This season has been such an insane learning experience for me.
So I again thank everybody for listening and keeping the behavioral blueprint.
Also, if you are finding any value for this episode, please share it with your friends and family
(17:38):
who also could benefit from understanding the benefit of relationships with failure.
Also, the more the merrier, you can of course have growth and positive change in conversations
with you sharing this with your family and friends.
All right, let's go back to the show and I hope that you guys enjoy the rest.
Okay, since it is going to be such a special episode, I wanted to do a questions from my listeners.
(18:02):
And we're going to call this segment, The Why Behind The What.
We're going to ask me questions and to know my better insight and then also to look into
some of the things that you guys are personally dealing with and how I would respond if I was in this situation.
But then also, again, we have to make this behavioral, if we call it that,
(18:25):
and have it where we understand where it's coming from with your behavior.
And also, if it's from your subconscious or where it's deeply down coming from.
Now for question one, what if someone seems to be constantly seeking approval from others?
What can I do to help the person or myself?
So I would want to start off with first looking at the self-esteem of yourself
(18:51):
or the person that you're questioning for because that's where the approval really comes from.
Understanding that you were supposed to be esteemed from your parents
and that was supposed to be a natural thing, that your parents were supposed to praise you
and give you things and help you with the beneficial things that you do.
If you clean or if you do something that is, again, requiring a form of praise.
(19:16):
And so many people today are not dealing with, I would say,
sufficient or normal forms of having like a form of self-esteem.
Sometimes it has to be built off of other people because it wasn't properly maintained
or practiced enough in themselves from the home, from the things that we, of course, were coming from.
(19:39):
My advice with that is really to know the deeper why, like I just explained,
but then also to act on the thing that is making you feel like you're validated from the thing you're getting approval from.
It's not entirely the best option to look out for approval because you don't know how people,
(20:00):
one, are going to react or to take in what you're asking them for.
But then also you have to look at, I'm not going to lie, like how do you look in the situation
when you are doing something that is requiring you to not be your most authentic version of yourself?
It makes you question, oh, I have to be this specific version to get something out of that.
(20:24):
And in a form, that's like a form of manipulation because you're not doing the right thing for the other person,
but then you're not treating yourself correctly because you're not even being real
and you want to seek the esteem from somebody else.
Okay, question two.
What tips can you offer to make setbacks more valuable for learning experiences in the future?
(20:49):
That's a good question.
I think the tips that I can offer to have a valuable learning experience in like setbacks
or moments of failure or questioning yourself is to know how much you can endure.
My dad, even though it's not healthy, he used to always tell me like, get back up, you're going to be okay.
You're going to be okay.
(21:11):
And I try to associate that specific mindset for things that I know I can endure
and things that I know I can have a cap on that I know I can go the full throttle if I need to.
Creating empathy with yourself to know that the things that are stopping you
or creating moments where you have to step back are things that are needed for you.
(21:37):
You are a person.
You're supposed to have moments where people are having you lean on their shoulder
because you're not the only person that has done the thing that you see as a failure or that you see as a setback.
So to know that, yes, the world is around you, but the world has experienced what you've gone through
will help you realize, okay, it's not just the cloudy mind if it's on.
(22:01):
It's also what you have, but then also what you can be because of the setback of itself.
Question three, when I fail, I tend to beat myself up.
How can I practice more self-compassion?
This kind of goes perfectly with the last question.
So I would say practicing more self-compassion isn't just the only thing that you have to do.
(22:24):
You have to reflect and you have to know that what you went through,
where you have to be harder on yourself, isn't the way that you have to live your life.
And also, it's not the way that you should continue to go through things.
I feel like the things that I feel like I react big on or the things that I beat myself up on
(22:47):
are things that are completely not just normal, but they are just set experiences that make me know,
like, am I capable? Am I able? And honestly, I am.
But I think the aspect isn't just self-compassion.
It's also like acknowledging who you are and also where you come from
(23:10):
and also that it's not the end of the world.
Honestly, I used to be, I would say, very close-minded when I used to beat myself up.
I used to feel like it was extremely black and white.
When it's not black and white, it's extremely very multicolored.
I would say life is very multicolored because even with the downsides or even when you fail,
(23:34):
there are complexities with that as well.
So when you know, like, you have to, you feel like you have to beat yourself up
and show all these moments of questioning and failure.
No, you don't. You really just have to look at, like, your character in the situation
and look at how you know the situation of its own.
I would even recommend, like, writing it down, like, writing down the situation.
(23:58):
If you journal or if you do, like, a pros and cons list, do it,
because then you can look at everything of what it is.
Number four, what if a family member is overly critical of others but rarely acknowledges their own mistakes that they make?
What should I do in the situation where I feel like my character is being tested?
You have to really, you have to have a lot of patience.
(24:24):
You really have to have a lot of patience with yourself,
but then also with, I would say, the generation of what that person is in or your family member
or, like, what they're going through, because, yes, you can be open and aware of what they're going through,
but you can also not excuse the behavior.
Excuse me.
(24:46):
I had a family member that I just had to not, quote, unquote, remove myself from,
but distance was the better option because I wanted to save our relationship.
And I understood through time that our relationship is so, I would say, mirror-like,
and it made me think about how much I was myself even with the person that I was with,
(25:11):
meaning it made me think, okay, how much am I of this person?
How much am I of this other thing?
But then also know that that sounds like a control thing, too.
You can look at the issue of control with that person and realize this person is their own individual self.
They are dealing with their own issue.
(25:33):
I don't have to internalize it and make it seem like it's my issue because of the overcriticalness that you were describing,
but then also you do have to question where this comes from and also how you can respond.
The best way of responding is knowing, like the internalization thing that I explained,
to know where they're coming from and to also know how much it means to you.
(25:59):
Is it that important? Is it that serious?
I would also use or look up the word stonewalling because you can do that when it comes down to yourself
with how people would throw words to you or put things on you
because most of the time if people are verbally disrespecting you, is it even true? Is it even real?
(26:22):
That's something that I deal with with myself and then also people spewing things at me.
So I would recommend that.
I don't think that there is much more that I could really say on that because I would want to know more.
I lowkey want to know the tea.
Okay, just let me stop distracting myself. Next question.
Okay, this is the last question and I think this is honestly my personal favorite question.
(26:47):
Have you ever used a perceived failure as an opportunity to reinvent yourself?
I honestly did and I actually recently did.
I dealt with a failure where I felt like it was something that was all my fault.
And I think the reason why I even went into that belief system was because I dealt with it before.
(27:13):
Like I dealt with the situation of having somebody tell me what I am
and having somebody create forms of judgment where I feel like I was a failure.
When I go through the moment of failure that I had, I made myself believe and be hard on myself
(27:34):
and again believe that I was nothing and that I was nothing that could make myself feel better.
And honestly, this podcast, my friends, my therapist, my boyfriend, and so many more people
have been forms of community for me.
(27:55):
I think I didn't reinvent myself.
I think I used my opportunity to lean on my community to have them reinvent me
because they know me even outside of myself.
They know who I am and they love who I am.
Whenever you have difficulty with reflecting on yourself when you deal with failures or mistakes
(28:18):
or things that make you feel like you're not enough, go back to your community that knows who you are
and knows your character and knows what your definition of love looks like
and then also what your definition of your heart looks like.
I would say that using mediums and using forms of creative outlets would be the things that I would define
(28:42):
as reinventing myself and it made me understand myself better because like I said earlier,
when you have to look at the full picture and you look at everything that you've dealt with
and that you've dealt with as a failure, is it something that you could read through
and then apply it to your life to know, okay, I can't deal with this anymore?
(29:05):
Do you like see if that's something that you could assign yourself with,
but then also know unpacking and dealing with the failure of what you're dealing with
doesn't have to have you jump right back up and go into reinventing yourself.
You don't have to do that.
Honestly, I would even say you should soak and also know that you can, again, go with your community.
(29:33):
Go with your forms of whatever you have as family.
I think that that really does cover it.
Thank you so, so much for listening to the Behavioral Blueprint podcast.
I hope that everybody has enjoyed this episode and has enjoyed this season.
I am so thankful for everybody that has downloaded and that has reached out to us
(29:58):
telling us how much they love this podcast.
I also want to give a special shout out to Noah.
Thank you so much for listening to my podcast, Noah, and I deeply, deeply, deeply appreciate you.
Whatever you do listen to this episode, please reach out
and I hope that everybody again enjoyed this episode.
If you do want to follow our Instagram, it's going to be Behavioral Blueprint Pod, P-O-D, Behavioral Blueprint Pod.
(30:27):
And again, if you have any questions, go ahead and follow our Instagram or reach out to our email.
We would totally love if you have any type of insight for us or would love to review and help spread the word.
Welcome back to the Behavioral Blueprint podcast,
(00:02):
where we will unlock the secrets of human behavior
and empower you to better understand yourself and others.
Today's episode is going to be about the detour effect
and how it relates to you overcoming the failures that you endure
and also how to keep strategies for yourself for betterment.
We all have a simple understanding of success,
(00:24):
and what that means to us is relatively important
of how we undergo our lives and also check ourselves a scene.
All of the things are completely normal,
and I want you to know that you are here for a reason.
The things that you have quote-unquote failed are not failures.
They're purposely built for you to have redirection in your life,
(00:47):
and they're not just a simple subject
or a simple thing for people to make fun of you for.
It's something that you can be proud of.
It's something that you can bring up in a conversation
to further have somebody else gain recollection
and also understanding for themselves for a future, any type of advice.
You are a person that goes through the specific types of experiences
(01:11):
that you go through because you were meant to go through it.
And heavy on through it, we want to go over it, we want to go under it,
but we never want to go through the emotions
because of the fear mentality that I think a lot of people have
with even addressing their emotions of themselves.
Since the beginning of time,
(01:32):
we have identified people as winners or losers.
We have first place, second place, and third place.
We have the champions, we have the losers,
we have block systems that further identify
if we can get good grades or not.
We have societal structures that tell us
(01:54):
that we're not supposed to do this and we're supposed to do that.
And this way is wrong and this way is right.
There's a lot of black and whiteness between failure and success.
And that can go into so many different aspects
of where we are as people in today.
But the myth of being a failure or being in a space of failing
(02:17):
is seeing it as if it's a negative thing.
I'm going to teach you how to twist this into knowing that failure
is honestly a secret form of optimism
that can prepare you for anything that you need to go through.
One perspective that I've noticed with understanding failure
is seeing your relationship with loss
(02:40):
and then also your relationship with not having something that you want.
When I was younger, I used to play basketball
and I honestly thought that I was going to win every single game
because I deserved to win the game
and I was special enough and I was kind enough
and I wasn't going to hit a girl too hard,
but I also wasn't going to hit her too soft
(03:03):
and I also was going to make the rebounds
and do all the things that required me to go easily,
straight into whatever better opportunity at hand.
But once you realize that you're not 6'4",
like the 16-year-old basketball chick that you've never met before
on the opposite side of school,
it is a very, very rude awakening.
(03:25):
You realize that failure is not just a battleground,
but it's your form of looking at yourself.
How much can you push towards the thing that is telling you no
or the thing that made you realize that you're not enough?
Being not enough isn't a failure.
Being not enough is telling you
(03:46):
and identifying what you can work better on.
Also, another perspective for myself from what I've experienced
is relationship failure and parental failure
and so many other forms of failure
that people think isn't successful
because they hear the word failure.
Failure can be transformed and repurposed and reseeded
(04:09):
and replanted into growth,
into meaningful experiences that I can walk away from every day
and know that they go into the better character for myself
and know that these things that told me no
and know to all these better things
that I thought could work for me,
(04:30):
when in reality, they were supposed to tell me no
to hit that ego for myself
or to hit that insecurity for me to check it.
That's where you can really angle yourself
because what your emotions are
or what your relationship with failure is
isn't going to identify to who you are as a person.
(04:50):
You have to separate the identity of the emotion
and then separate the identity of who you are.
My name is Solana Newton.
I know I'm Solana Newton because I know where I came from.
I'm not the feeling of failure
because failure came from something else.
I did not have to be the thing that is failure
(05:11):
because of the fact that I just made the action of failure.
I am not a failure of myself.
I'm going to give you guys a story time.
So when I was 17,
I wanted to be in a space of like doing the whole YouTube thing
(05:32):
and doing the whole influencer thing
because I saw a lot of people back in like 2021
become very quickly influencers.
And it completely broke my heart
because I thought that I had to be like other people.
And I thought that I failed
because I saw the Charlie D'Amelio's
(05:54):
and the amazing influencers like the Monets
and all of these people,
the Monet McMichael, shout out to her,
become these actual hardworking employees
and all these influencers for all these different things.
And I felt like I was a failure because it wasn't my time.
(06:17):
Your timing and your preparation for your story
will include failure if it is something
that you're supposed to fail in.
If you're not supposed to be in this situation
and you fail, but then you question and say,
why did I fail at this situation?
Honestly, if you don't know why you did it,
(06:38):
then most likely you were supposed to do it.
Further understanding why I felt like a failure at 17
and felt like I wanted to be a part of the something
that I couldn't be a part of
came from when I was back in elementary school
where I felt excluded from people whenever I was a kid
(06:59):
because somebody didn't want to pick me
whenever we were doing bowling or swing sets.
And that's where our best point comes from.
It's not that moment where that person triggers you
or that moment where you fail at something
or that moment where you get no.
It's that thing all the way back from when you can't even remember
(07:21):
because we got to connect the subconscious.
Your subconscious is who you think you have to believe you are.
Now let's go into the detour effect.
So for example, the detour could be you getting fired from your job
or you having to quit your job
or you being in an unexpected place
(07:43):
where you have to unfortunately be laid off from your job
or your girlfriend or boyfriend just broke up with you
and you don't know where to go
and you feel like you didn't expect to see this coming
and you have to pivot.
It can be all the things that you ideally see as a failure
and that can go for anything.
But my focus is understanding that those experience setbacks
(08:08):
can help you achieve success.
Those things that you see are not going to just be detours.
They're meant for you to understand new skills for yourself.
They're meant for you to understand the benefit of the detour
to know that if you didn't, let's say for example,
if you didn't go through that specific thing
(08:29):
and you had to deal with the same thing 20 years later,
you wouldn't know how to deal with it.
And imagine if that 20-year-later situation
had way more weight to it for your life.
Now for the second thing.
Building resilience and understanding adversity for yourself
will create a skill that other people do not have.
(08:52):
Understanding how adversity and knowing how to pivot for your life
when things do get hard or when things can create strain
for your life or your stress or your personal endeavors,
you know that they are actually something that you can become from
or you can learn from.
(09:13):
A good example that I've understood is I recently didn't understand
where I was coming from from my emotional aspect of like my boundaries
and stuff with relationships.
But then I of course had my therapist break it down to me and tell me,
you didn't do this because of who you think you are today.
You did this because you thought that it worked prior.
(09:35):
So think of that mindset or think of that whenever you make a decision
because you quickly didn't even think about it.
That's your subconscious making a decision for you.
That's not you making a decision for you.
You have to create a new subconscious for yourself
because your subconscious is four years old.
(09:56):
Your subconscious is eight years old.
Your subconscious is nine years old when they had to do the fight
or flight decision that you think you're in now when it's not as stressful
today compared to before.
Also, a different perspective that I want you to focus on for the benefit
of the detour is knowing that the no's are your blessing.
(10:17):
The no's are the things that are going to require you to question
and look back at your character and be like,
hmm, maybe I could have did better on this.
Maybe I could have did better on that.
Maybe I could have did better on this situation.
And unfortunately, a part of life is going to show you that, man,
you got to fail at that situation that you really, really wanted.
(10:39):
And then you really, really des—and you thought that it was destined for you.
When in reality, that was destined for somebody else.
You can't hold on to certain things because, of course, that's going to be a failure.
When you question what it means to not let go, because then that's a whole bigger—
that's a bigger fish to fry, honestly, because that goes into not wanting to let go
(11:05):
of relationships because you're in a mindset of fear.
When you're in a mindset of failure, you're in a mindset of fear.
And yes, you can manifest fear.
Yes, you can manifest failure.
Ways that you can manifest fear.
You can manifest fear by just joking about the fear to the person that you feel
(11:27):
just a little bit nervous around, but you know that if they were right behind you,
they would honestly make you a little afraid.
You can manifest fear by just simply looking at somebody and looking at how they
respond to how, like, your conversations or anything that you're doing.
You can manifest fear by just being yourself.
(11:48):
And that is something that we can talk about because evil eye is real.
And people can be afraid of you or you can be afraid of other people.
Now, for the fourth segment that we have, I don't think I was listing out the numbers,
so sorry in advance, but the fourth segment that we have is going to be coping with failure.
(12:10):
And I always say you have to have strategies and you have to have goals if you want to do something
that is real and that is tangible and that is something that you know will be put in books.
That is something that is important to you.
So the three things that I have for you that are important for you to know as a strategy
(12:32):
and for a goal for yourself, please update me also with your goals of what you guys are doing
for your goals with failure.
Let me know in the comments.
Refrain your failure and understand that it's a learning experience.
Everything that you're doing, even the human environment, even the human connection,
(12:53):
even the human experience is about learning.
The failure part of your life is a learning experience because you learned from the thing saying no to you.
You wanted it your way, but in reality, it was not supposed to go your way
because imagine even with you saying that you wanted it in your way, you still could have been wrong.
(13:15):
You still might not have enjoyed it the way that you wanted to,
or you could have taken away somebody else's experience that could have taken it
way different than how you could have taken it.
Number two, identify what type of lessons you learned and then apply them, of course, into your future.
Don't just, oh, I did this situation and I feel kind of bad for this,
(13:37):
and now I'm just going to walk away and not learn anything from it.
How does that build any type of morality or any type of concrete character
that you need to have in your life when you deal with other people?
There's people out here, 45, 26, 74, that don't even know the concept of coping with their failures
(14:01):
or dealing with any type of detour in their life.
I know 70-year-old people right now that will freak out if there is something, a change in their schedule.
Like, people are not in the way that you think they are.
We see these people today that don't have connections with themselves,
so we see them lose sense of who they are.
(14:23):
And last but not least, you need to build self-compassion with yourself,
and then also knowing how to remove yourself from the situations that are connected to forms of failure.
Unless you do have a relationship where you think you can go back,
you have to know when you have to cut the sword or cut the tie,
(14:48):
because the things that are telling you no are telling you no for a reason.
The things that are completely heartbreaking for you to not understand and you don't know why it's this way
are meant for you to know that you're supposed to give yourself not just compassion, not just love,
but the adversity of knowing that there's another challenge right through the door.
(15:12):
There's another opportunity right through the door.
There are 7 billion people, so of course there's going to be trillions of opportunities right there for you
for the thing that you are meant to do, mind you.
That thing that you wanted to do and the thing that you're meant to do can be two completely different things.
And if you do not have the discernment to know the difference between the two,
(15:36):
then how are you going to be beneficial in this world?
For yourself and then also for your friends, your families, your sisters, your cousins, your everybody.
Hey there, Behavioral Blueprint Podcast listeners.
I hope you're enjoying the episode of Understanding and Exploring Failure and the Detour Effect.
I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please take a moment to rate and review and also comment
(15:58):
for the podcast to have better feedback for what you like best.
Also, I do have a surprise for you guys and also some bad news.
I have to let you guys know that this is going to be the season finale of the Behavioral Blueprint Podcast Season 1.
And I have a couple of surprises for you with my two babies that I have,
(16:24):
my bonus episodes that are going to be there for you guys coming out very soon.
These episodes are going to go over setbacks, success, understanding creative endeavors,
understanding how looks on the outside shell aren't really like on the inside shell of people's lives.
My best friend, Kaden, she is one of my guests on one of my episodes that I have coming out
(16:51):
and I'm so excited to invite her to my podcast.
And also I have my other two friends, Isu and Kylie, that are going to be going over
what it really feels like to be a creative under the microscopic lens of being who you are.
And I'm so, so, so excited. I cannot explain this enough to anybody.
(17:14):
These episodes are going to be insane and I'm so glad that I'm able to create this process for everybody.
This season has been such an insane learning experience for me.
So I again thank everybody for listening and keeping the behavioral blueprint.
Also, if you are finding any value for this episode, please share it with your friends and family
(17:38):
who also could benefit from understanding the benefit of relationships with failure.
Also, the more the merrier, you can of course have growth and positive change in conversations
with you sharing this with your family and friends.
All right, let's go back to the show and I hope that you guys enjoy the rest.
Okay, since it is going to be such a special episode, I wanted to do a questions from my listeners.
(18:02):
And we're going to call this segment, The Why Behind The What.
We're going to ask me questions and to know my better insight and then also to look into
some of the things that you guys are personally dealing with and how I would respond if I was in this situation.
But then also, again, we have to make this behavioral, if we call it that,
(18:25):
and have it where we understand where it's coming from with your behavior.
And also, if it's from your subconscious or where it's deeply down coming from.
Now for question one, what if someone seems to be constantly seeking approval from others?
What can I do to help the person or myself?
So I would want to start off with first looking at the self-esteem of yourself
(18:51):
or the person that you're questioning for because that's where the approval really comes from.
Understanding that you were supposed to be esteemed from your parents
and that was supposed to be a natural thing, that your parents were supposed to praise you
and give you things and help you with the beneficial things that you do.
If you clean or if you do something that is, again, requiring a form of praise.
(19:16):
And so many people today are not dealing with, I would say,
sufficient or normal forms of having like a form of self-esteem.
Sometimes it has to be built off of other people because it wasn't properly maintained
or practiced enough in themselves from the home, from the things that we, of course, were coming from.
(19:39):
My advice with that is really to know the deeper why, like I just explained,
but then also to act on the thing that is making you feel like you're validated from the thing you're getting approval from.
It's not entirely the best option to look out for approval because you don't know how people,
(20:00):
one, are going to react or to take in what you're asking them for.
But then also you have to look at, I'm not going to lie, like how do you look in the situation
when you are doing something that is requiring you to not be your most authentic version of yourself?
It makes you question, oh, I have to be this specific version to get something out of that.
(20:24):
And in a form, that's like a form of manipulation because you're not doing the right thing for the other person,
but then you're not treating yourself correctly because you're not even being real
and you want to seek the esteem from somebody else.
Okay, question two.
What tips can you offer to make setbacks more valuable for learning experiences in the future?
(20:49):
That's a good question.
I think the tips that I can offer to have a valuable learning experience in like setbacks
or moments of failure or questioning yourself is to know how much you can endure.
My dad, even though it's not healthy, he used to always tell me like, get back up, you're going to be okay.
You're going to be okay.
(21:11):
And I try to associate that specific mindset for things that I know I can endure
and things that I know I can have a cap on that I know I can go the full throttle if I need to.
Creating empathy with yourself to know that the things that are stopping you
or creating moments where you have to step back are things that are needed for you.
(21:37):
You are a person.
You're supposed to have moments where people are having you lean on their shoulder
because you're not the only person that has done the thing that you see as a failure or that you see as a setback.
So to know that, yes, the world is around you, but the world has experienced what you've gone through
will help you realize, okay, it's not just the cloudy mind if it's on.
(22:01):
It's also what you have, but then also what you can be because of the setback of itself.
Question three, when I fail, I tend to beat myself up.
How can I practice more self-compassion?
This kind of goes perfectly with the last question.
So I would say practicing more self-compassion isn't just the only thing that you have to do.
(22:24):
You have to reflect and you have to know that what you went through,
where you have to be harder on yourself, isn't the way that you have to live your life.
And also, it's not the way that you should continue to go through things.
I feel like the things that I feel like I react big on or the things that I beat myself up on
(22:47):
are things that are completely not just normal, but they are just set experiences that make me know,
like, am I capable? Am I able? And honestly, I am.
But I think the aspect isn't just self-compassion.
It's also like acknowledging who you are and also where you come from
(23:10):
and also that it's not the end of the world.
Honestly, I used to be, I would say, very close-minded when I used to beat myself up.
I used to feel like it was extremely black and white.
When it's not black and white, it's extremely very multicolored.
I would say life is very multicolored because even with the downsides or even when you fail,
(23:34):
there are complexities with that as well.
So when you know, like, you have to, you feel like you have to beat yourself up
and show all these moments of questioning and failure.
No, you don't. You really just have to look at, like, your character in the situation
and look at how you know the situation of its own.
I would even recommend, like, writing it down, like, writing down the situation.
(23:58):
If you journal or if you do, like, a pros and cons list, do it,
because then you can look at everything of what it is.
Number four, what if a family member is overly critical of others but rarely acknowledges their own mistakes that they make?
What should I do in the situation where I feel like my character is being tested?
You have to really, you have to have a lot of patience.
(24:24):
You really have to have a lot of patience with yourself,
but then also with, I would say, the generation of what that person is in or your family member
or, like, what they're going through, because, yes, you can be open and aware of what they're going through,
but you can also not excuse the behavior.
Excuse me.
(24:46):
I had a family member that I just had to not, quote, unquote, remove myself from,
but distance was the better option because I wanted to save our relationship.
And I understood through time that our relationship is so, I would say, mirror-like,
and it made me think about how much I was myself even with the person that I was with,
(25:11):
meaning it made me think, okay, how much am I of this person?
How much am I of this other thing?
But then also know that that sounds like a control thing, too.
You can look at the issue of control with that person and realize this person is their own individual self.
They are dealing with their own issue.
(25:33):
I don't have to internalize it and make it seem like it's my issue because of the overcriticalness that you were describing,
but then also you do have to question where this comes from and also how you can respond.
The best way of responding is knowing, like the internalization thing that I explained,
to know where they're coming from and to also know how much it means to you.
(25:59):
Is it that important? Is it that serious?
I would also use or look up the word stonewalling because you can do that when it comes down to yourself
with how people would throw words to you or put things on you
because most of the time if people are verbally disrespecting you, is it even true? Is it even real?
(26:22):
That's something that I deal with with myself and then also people spewing things at me.
So I would recommend that.
I don't think that there is much more that I could really say on that because I would want to know more.
I lowkey want to know the tea.
Okay, just let me stop distracting myself. Next question.
Okay, this is the last question and I think this is honestly my personal favorite question.
(26:47):
Have you ever used a perceived failure as an opportunity to reinvent yourself?
I honestly did and I actually recently did.
I dealt with a failure where I felt like it was something that was all my fault.
And I think the reason why I even went into that belief system was because I dealt with it before.
(27:13):
Like I dealt with the situation of having somebody tell me what I am
and having somebody create forms of judgment where I feel like I was a failure.
When I go through the moment of failure that I had, I made myself believe and be hard on myself
(27:34):
and again believe that I was nothing and that I was nothing that could make myself feel better.
And honestly, this podcast, my friends, my therapist, my boyfriend, and so many more people
have been forms of community for me.
(27:55):
I think I didn't reinvent myself.
I think I used my opportunity to lean on my community to have them reinvent me
because they know me even outside of myself.
They know who I am and they love who I am.
Whenever you have difficulty with reflecting on yourself when you deal with failures or mistakes
(28:18):
or things that make you feel like you're not enough, go back to your community that knows who you are
and knows your character and knows what your definition of love looks like
and then also what your definition of your heart looks like.
I would say that using mediums and using forms of creative outlets would be the things that I would define
(28:42):
as reinventing myself and it made me understand myself better because like I said earlier,
when you have to look at the full picture and you look at everything that you've dealt with
and that you've dealt with as a failure, is it something that you could read through
and then apply it to your life to know, okay, I can't deal with this anymore?
(29:05):
Do you like see if that's something that you could assign yourself with,
but then also know unpacking and dealing with the failure of what you're dealing with
doesn't have to have you jump right back up and go into reinventing yourself.
You don't have to do that.
Honestly, I would even say you should soak and also know that you can, again, go with your community.
(29:33):
Go with your forms of whatever you have as family.
I think that that really does cover it.
Thank you so, so much for listening to the Behavioral Blueprint podcast.
I hope that everybody has enjoyed this episode and has enjoyed this season.
I am so thankful for everybody that has downloaded and that has reached out to us
(29:58):
telling us how much they love this podcast.
I also want to give a special shout out to Noah.
Thank you so much for listening to my podcast, Noah, and I deeply, deeply, deeply appreciate you.
Whatever you do listen to this episode, please reach out
and I hope that everybody again enjoyed this episode.
If you do want to follow our Instagram, it's going to be Behavioral Blueprint Pod, P-O-D, Behavioral Blueprint Pod.
(30:27):
And again, if you have any questions, go ahead and follow our Instagram or reach out to our email.
We would totally love if you have any type of insight for us or would love to review and help spread the word.
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