August 31, 2024 • 30 mins
So, you've probably experienced some tough times in your life. Maybe you've wondered why certain patterns keep repeating, or why relationships feel challenging. It could be that the roots of these struggles lie in your childhood. Today, we're diving deep into the world of childhood emotional neglect and exploring how it can shape our adult lives. We'll uncover the hidden costs, understand the impact on relationships, and most importantly, discover practical steps to heal and thrive.
The Roots of the Problem: Understanding Childhood Emotional Neglect
What exactly is emotional neglect, and how does it differ from physical or verbal abuse? Let's clear that up. We'll talk about how it can impact a child's developing brain and self-esteem, and some common signs to look for.
The Hidden Costs: Unpacking the Consequences
You might be surprised to learn how those early experiences can show up in your adult life. We'll discuss things like people-pleasing, codependency, and self-sabotage. It's time to uncover those hidden patterns that might be holding you back.
Relationships and the Ripple Effect
Ever wondered why your love life feels complicated? Or maybe you struggle with communication? Your childhood experiences could be playing a bigger role than you realize. We'll explore how your attachment style was shaped and how it impacts your current relationships.
Finding Your Way Back: The Journey to Healing
Healing from childhood wounds isn't easy, but it's possible. We'll talk about self-compassion, the importance of therapy, and practical tools like mindfulness to help you on your journey. Remember, you're not alone, and there's hope for transformation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to the Behavioral Blueprint podcast today.
(00:03):
We're going to dive deep into the topic that often usually goes unnoticed,
and we have usual and big impacts on our lives.
Every day, the childhood emotional neglect is not really seen or taken
for really what it's at for face value in today's society.
Join us as we explore and we question the root of its issue.
(00:29):
We accept its hidden costs and also the path to healing.
Of course, we're also going to discuss the understanding of what childhood
emotional neglect is and how it can shape our lives into crazy steps,
but then also into the minuscule steps of everyday challenges that we face.
(00:50):
First, we need to understand childhood emotional neglect first.
What does that mean for us and how does that impact our development growing up?
When it comes to how emotional neglect looks for you,
it's obviously going to be complex for every single person.
You're not going to understand where certain triggers come from when you
(01:12):
can't handle a certain word in a conversation or when you have to
feel some type of tightness in your chest when something doesn't make sense
because you yearn for something that never has existed in your life before.
Neglect is a form of trauma that is a void.
(01:33):
It's a void that feels like it can never be filled no matter how much you pour into it.
I want you to ask yourself,
what are the signs that you see in your everyday living that makes you
feel the same that you really felt when you were a child?
The cost of today's living and the cost of how much we have to really
(01:55):
tolerate with disrespect is at an all-time high.
We really don't have face-to-face conversations anymore.
We don't really have, I would say,
the dopamine hits that really help us grow into, of course,
better people and connect and have the community that we really need.
(02:17):
Now, let's go into what this cost you whenever you have to face your emotional neglect.
Whenever you deal with the tendency of wanting to please others to
an over-extensive need and you want a people please and you want to make everyone's life happy,
(02:39):
you need to slow down and you need to analyze why.
Why do I need to make this specific person happy?
Why do I need to be okay when everybody else is okay first?
Why do I not ask myself when I start my day how I'm feeling, how I'm doing,
(03:00):
where do I want to do or where do I want to go today?
What do I want to do today?
Instead, of course,
because life wires us into this form of believing that we need to
serve others and perform and be the things that people expect us to be,
we worry about our bills.
(03:20):
We worry about the major understanding of if we have everything together.
If we're not late for work,
we're going to get in trouble or all of
these things that are already predestined for us to be okay with.
People pleasing, in my opinion,
because I've deal with people pleasing today,
it builds a form of manipulation in a way because you need to
(03:44):
constantly almost give out a form of not even being able to give to
yourself anymore to these other people and it's a desperation thing.
It makes you feel like you have to do this to feel better and to be happier,
when in reality, that's nothing that you'll ever get back.
(04:05):
Now, let's get into the conversation of codependency.
I've been in a lot of
codependent relationships because I lacked my mother growing up.
I wasn't really connected to my mother because I didn't
expect to go into my personal life so quickly,
but she really didn't raise me and it created a wound for
(04:28):
myself to feel like I wasn't deserving and I wasn't valued and I wasn't important.
I connected myself with people that either one,
wanted somebody to feel like nothing in the relationship or two,
wanted to be served as God or served as a higher purpose,
(04:51):
as if they needed to be feeling as if they needed to be enough.
Usually getting the lower end of the stick,
it makes you feel like you need to always feel like you need to do more.
I heard this quote where this person said,
you don't have to continue to deal with this person that's difficult for you to make
(05:14):
them or to think that you're going to make them be happier for you or to make them feel better about you.
Bad people or difficult people don't become just difficult all of a sudden.
These people are always going to be difficult in your life,
or the codependency or the person that you're codependent with,
(05:36):
is usually going to be difficult in your life because the aspect of the relationship is wrong.
Whenever you feel like you need somebody to live or you need somebody to survive,
that's not usually a healthy relationship in today's society.
Because in true reality,
we can feed ourselves and we can, of course,
(06:00):
do things and walk out of the door tomorrow and fully walk and
fully be able-bodied enough to do what we need to do by ourselves.
Depending on codependency with either a relationship or a form of a friendship, anything, it's a need.
(06:20):
You feel like you need this person and it's a craving.
You want to make sure that this person is fully taken care of.
It usually, of course, has the traits of a relationship,
but it has the cost of more than what a relationship would even ask for.
Because again, you're drained again.
(06:40):
You don't know what to do again.
You feel tired at the end of your days because you're constantly giving to
a person or to a thing that doesn't ever want to give you what you deserve back.
Now, third for this segment,
it's going to be self-sabotage.
As a past self-sabotage girly,
(07:02):
I am a person that always believed that I needed somebody to point to,
to say they were the problem or I would make myself implode to make it be like,
okay, I am the problem because all of the things that were honestly
(07:26):
self-imposed or self-believed are true.
I'm really nothing or I'm really not that thing that I deserve to be or
they didn't see that true thing that I needed them to see.
In creating a form of a victimization for yourself,
you become this thing that is a victim because you want to be a victim.
(07:49):
Now, again, we're focusing on emotion and neglect.
I'm looking at what it means and the cost of emotional neglect.
The people pleasing, the codependency,
and the self-sabotage are traits in how you act when you deal with emotional neglect.
Again, circling back to how I spoke about my mother and how that made me
(08:13):
feel emotional neglect,
those three things that we're talking about caused me to not be able to
have a sense of mind with myself.
It made me think, okay,
I need to be this self-victimizing victim and feel like every person that
encounters me needs to know that I'm a victim and they need to take care of how I'm a victim.
(08:38):
What? I can't just let myself live like that.
Then thank God,
I met people today that have shaken me out of the things that I literally am dealing with.
Because the emotional neglect that I felt,
I don't feel that anymore. Why?
Because I removed the codependency,
(08:58):
I removed the self-sabotage because I have people in
my life that hold me accountable when I'm doing self-sabotaging.
I'm removing the people pleasing,
I'm becoming more honest, I'm saying no,
I'm standing up for myself.
When you really go toe-to-toe with that emotional neglect,
you might think that that emotional neglect is bigger than you.
(09:20):
Because it's lasted longer in your head,
it's been a luminary thing.
Then also it's been something where you feel like,
okay, since this has been true prior times,
it needs to be true again. It doesn't.
You can literally remove the cycle that you have been creating.
(09:41):
I'm so sorry that these things in life that you had no control over when you were younger,
happened to you.
But today, you have a choice.
You have a choice to be the person that you dream to be.
You have a choice to remove the emotional neglect from your body,
from who you are because you can remove these traits,
(10:02):
the people pleasing, the codependency,
and again, the self-sabotage every single day.
I just removed the codependent relationship with myself,
and I struggled with it because that was
the longest codependent relationship I've had in my life.
The longest.
I'm going to have to do it again because I have relationships still
that center into the cost of my emotional neglect.
(10:26):
I still have to do people pleasing and codependency and
strategic ways of thinking with certain people in my life.
Because there's obstacles in relationships,
obstacles that either can be hurdles or mountains.
And when you make these ideas in your brain become a reality,
(10:49):
talking about if they're centered from childhood,
you're going to believe them.
Because the things that have lasted the longest in you
are most likely going to be the things that
are going to stick with you.
Muscle memory is a thing that's real.
And I'm asking you to give yourself another perspective
and look on why you have to feel the way that you feel.
(11:13):
OK, boom.
Segment three.
We're going to talk about how the relationships cause
you to have a ripple effect in your life,
AKA the ripple effect and the butterfly effect
are going to be repeated multiple times in this segment.
So prepare with me, stick with me, stay for the ride.
We're going to go through this together.
And I promise, I got you.
(11:35):
I got you.
I got you.
I got you.
First, the attachment styles are really
the main web of our relationships in our lives.
They're all, of course, interconnected
because sometimes we approach this relationship on how
we look at this relationship.
That's why we have life experiences.
(11:55):
And that's how we usually try to deal
with certain life experiences.
Now, let me give you an example.
If you deal with something for the first time
and you don't know how to approach it,
where do you think the easiest way to approach that situation?
You're going to think for something
with your muscle memory.
(12:16):
And you're going to try to approach it
where it makes sense in your head.
For me, I dealt with something like six months ago.
And I approached it in a wrong way.
It was a people pleasing way.
And it made me literally self-sabotage my situation.
And till this day, sometimes I think about the situation
and I'm like, damn, I really wish
(12:36):
I didn't fuck up that situation.
Damn, I really wish I didn't do this, and I didn't do this,
and I didn't do this.
But sitting there thinking about a decision
that I made six months ago will not change my lifestyle.
It will not change where I'm at today.
Because where I'm at today still is a person that continues
to work hard, and that is caring, and that is loving,
(12:59):
and that doesn't create what I did then.
Because the mistake that I did then doesn't fully explain
the person that I am today.
I want to go back and just recommend my other episode
that was a failure is not your future,
because that episode is truly my favorite episode
I've ever recorded.
(13:21):
And I still go back on that episode.
That episode is so good.
But focusing back on attachment styles,
how does emotional neglect shape our attachment styles
and impact our relationships today?
It impacts our relationships today because of, again,
the web of how we do things and how we decide
(13:42):
on this relationship, and then also making sure
that decision is connected to either the new decision
that we make in our next life, or in our next decision,
or our next life experience.
They all have a part of each other.
Sometimes those decisions are good,
and sometimes those decisions are bad.
(14:02):
How we have a relationship with that person
really goes on seeing if we're going to make a,
quote unquote, good or bad decision in the relationship.
With me and my boyfriend, even though I do not talk
about our personal lives, we deal with moments
where we both want to self-sabotage
(14:22):
because we think that that's easier.
We both have dealt with emotional neglect so many times
because we didn't have a full-fledged nuclear family home
where it was both of our parents in the home,
and we both could know how to respond,
and all of these things where we can just catch
healthy things or unhealthy things.
(14:43):
That wasn't something that we had.
It was something that was honestly not given to us
because of how life was given to us.
But we realized through the hurdles in our relationship,
we can't continue to self-sabotage.
We have to be there for the moments with each other
instead of quitting on each other
because we want to approach our relationship healthily.
(15:05):
That's one step that we make in today
where we begin to do better for ourselves.
In just how I was just talking about
how attachment styles play a big part,
how you talk to people is a big, big, big, big, big part.
People that deal with emotional neglect sometimes,
they go silent and they go like literally, truly silent.
(15:30):
They don't understand how to process it, so they freeze.
And I feel for those people, I really, really do.
I really, really, really, really do.
But as a person that knows emotional neglect from firsthand,
that makes it worse because you isolate yourself
and you feel like you can't become a better person.
(15:53):
You feel like you can't, you feel like it's easier
to be by yourself because you feel like that's the answer.
That's the answer that was given to the person
that was out, or I'm sorry, in the control
of taking care of you or in the control of responsible
for you or I would say in the control
(16:13):
of being responsible for you.
And I wanna just say it's not the answer.
If you had something that you were responsible for,
talking about relationships or friends or family,
and you ghost them or you do something that requires you
to not be as responsible anymore,
(16:34):
that's going to change the rift of the relationship.
People deal with routine day to day.
People expect you and they miss you and they love you.
If you go radio silent, it changes how you look
at the relationship.
It makes you question, hey, what's going on?
Or what's this or what's that and what's that?
(16:56):
Communication challenges usually come from, of course,
the stem of not being able to properly voice out
your feelings or voice out the things that you need
or the things that you want.
And that is, of course, again, stemming from family trauma.
That's what we're talking about here today.
I was talking about my previous love life earlier,
(17:19):
but let's go right back into love lives.
We have complicated love lives every single day
when we deal with emotional neglect.
We think that we have to have the thing that we lacked
because we think that that's gonna fill the void.
When in reality, you honestly need the opposite
of what you think you need.
(17:39):
If you think that you need somebody that's going to,
I would say, tell you all the things, oh,
breathe life into you and give you all the things
that you never had and all the things
you always have deserved.
That is true.
But, but, but, but, are you even able to take it?
(18:01):
Are you even able to accept it
the second that it's given to you?
If you had the dream person that you literally
yearn over today, could you take them?
Could you accept them?
Could you love them for the person that they are?
Because it is rare to even love another person
in the complex relationships that we have today.
(18:23):
You are a complex person if you are dealing
with emotional neglect.
You are a beautifully made person,
but it doesn't change the fact that
how you look at relationships
is looking in the space of need.
When love is always in the space of how,
in the space of how can I, how can we,
(18:46):
how can I be a team, how can we be a team?
Needing is a different space of a relationship.
You needed your parents.
You don't need a relationship.
You needed, again, companion,
and you needed people to be responsible.
(19:08):
You needed people to acknowledge the things that they do.
That doesn't mean that just because somebody
that is really good for you,
that has the moment of acknowledgement
or has the spaces of being able to catch themselves
or do right for themselves,
(19:30):
and they're able to do the things that I would say
fit the things that you've always wanted.
That person, yes, again, I keep saying the same thing,
but yes, again, can be great for you,
but can you even check whenever you're not
in the right place or whenever you're in a place
(19:51):
where it's very complicated for you to even respond
to something that's very good for you?
You have to understand that romantic relationships,
friendships, and even bigger companionships
all come from a form of needing to be with community.
The person that you're with today,
(20:12):
if you're with a person in a relationship, loves you,
and they need you, but the way that you need them
and the way that they need you can't be different.
It has to be the same need
because that's the way that it usually has to be healthy.
If I need you in all aspects of my life,
(20:34):
emotional, mental, financial, spiritual,
and all of the other olds and isms,
how do I allow you to be a person?
I don't because I want you to feel the void
of what I expected other people to need,
or I'm sorry, other people to be.
If I expected my father when I was two years old,
(20:58):
three years old at those ages where he was, of course,
I don't even remember off the top of my head,
to give to me spiritually, mentally, financially,
all of these isms, and again, wise,
that would make sense because I'm a two-year-old
that has to depend on my father.
But if I'm 26 and I need my father
(21:20):
to give to me spiritually, mentally, emotionally,
and all of the isms and the buts,
people will look at me like, you're grown.
Why do I need to do that?
Now, assign that to your relationship with your person.
Am I able to carry my responsibilities and carry my load
(21:41):
and know that my emotional neglect
doesn't have to stem or become
in the form of needing somebody else?
Need a quick break?
Don't worry, we'll be right back with our topic
for today's discussion.
And in the meantime, why not just check out
our YouTube channel and our Instagram
for exclusive content and behind the scenes action.
(22:04):
Thank you for listening, and we're gonna see you real soon.
Now, for my personal favorite part,
we're gonna find your way back, literally Beyonce style.
We're gonna make sure that you find your journey
into healing today.
I want you to ask yourself,
when is the last time that I showed self compassion
(22:26):
to myself?
And if you can't give a day, a time, a moment,
then you haven't been doing it enough.
If you do not have any ability to acknowledge
the neglect that you went through,
you have to start there.
You have to start with acknowledging the fact
that you didn't have enough
(22:48):
and know that you deserve to treat yourself kinder
every single day because of the fact that you deserve it.
And not that you deserve it,
but now you have the chance to have it.
You have the chance to pour back into yourself.
You have the chance to become the person
(23:10):
that you did not have.
You have the chance to become the indefinite shield
that you don't even know is a thing.
You've dreamt of it.
You've asked for it and you've begged for it
in your brain and in your mind and in your prayers
and in your heart.
But you'd never saw it as a real thing
(23:31):
until you see it in yourself
because you're the person that created it.
You're the person that visualized it
and wanted it and dreamt of it and loved it
until you might've thought it was in that person
and it was a trial and error,
or you thought that it could be in this either book
(23:54):
or in this obsession or in anything that you want to feel
or make you feel better from the pain
because the pain of not feeling worthy or needed
or important was too heavy in the moment.
Where you are with your emotional neglect
(24:16):
isn't going to change by tomorrow.
You're asking for a breakthrough
and you're asking for a moment of being able
to have mental clarity with yourself.
And today is a moment of transformation for yourself.
Knowing that the first step into pain acknowledgement
and healing and becoming the person that you deserve to be
(24:39):
is acknowledging that you deserve to be treated softer
than how you were treated.
Now, I bring up every chance that I get
to talk about therapy,
every chance that I really love it to, honestly speaking,
but I love my therapist.
I think that the privilege of having therapy
(25:01):
has changed my life,
but then also knowing the fact that I can have a chance
to be loved and have a chance to be seen and heard
and understand, or I'm sorry, understood the way
that I've been seeking
because my therapist honestly loves me.
(25:21):
I love Ms. Karen as much as she loves me.
And we both, of course, help each other
with seeing the things that we don't see.
I get very often how I'm in my sessions
and we talk about the things that I deeply, deeply feel
and she's taken it back because she's never heard
(25:43):
that perspective before.
Whenever I deal with talking about my emotional neglect,
we have to steer into a different subject
because sometimes it's too heavy and that's okay.
Sometimes even whenever you're in a space of healing
with the problem and with the trigger and with the trauma,
(26:04):
and you're in the space of healing it,
you might not even have the words to do anything with it.
And that's okay.
Using tools and ways and practices that ease your soul
into loving yourself again and loving the void
(26:26):
that you want to fill.
Because when you really look at it,
the void that you want to fill is like a black hole.
It never is going to be full.
It's never going to be poured up like a cup,
like a full glass of cup of water.
It's never going to be that way.
Because what it's asking for is all of you,
(26:47):
if that makes sense.
The void is asking for you to fill up yourself
into the black hole to the point where you won't even
be able to exist anymore.
You won't even be able to practice the tools that you need
or have the self-compassion or have a love life
(27:08):
or do anything that requires you to be yourself.
It wants to take over because it wants to be the thing
in control of you.
If you can go into knowing that your emotional neglect
is preventing you from having success, check it.
It's stopping you from winning, check it.
(27:29):
It's stopping you from getting that bag, check it.
Because the things that are stopping you from being you
are only asking you to move out of its way.
Simple as that.
That's all it's asking for.
It's asking for you to just move
because you're the blockade.
(27:51):
The things that happen to you are asking
for you to move forward.
It's asking for you to let go
because the emotional neglect is taking up space
in your life where you can't even enjoy things
that you're asked to enjoy or you're supposed to enjoy
(28:12):
because you're preventing yourself from seeing the better
because you want to be right so bad about how other people
from your past have treated you.
I want you to remember you're not alone
and there's hope for you to change.
Understanding that childhood, emotional neglect
(28:34):
and taking steps towards the healing that you need
can create the person that you have been idealizing
and wanting to be.
That version is not perfect, that version is flawed
and that version is you.
Regardless, you're loved and you're seen
(28:55):
and you're heard and you're valued.
As we end this episode, I want you to remember
that your journey towards healing
is always gonna be unique.
There's no one size fits all in all of your problems
and there's no one size that fits all
for all of your solutions.
It's all about finding what best works for you.
(29:16):
If you're feeling inspired to delve any types of deeper
into my mental health podcast, The Behavioral Blueprint,
I appreciate you and I would appreciate
if you of course connect with our other platforms as well.
On Instagram and on YouTube, we're gonna be named
under The Behavioral Blueprint.
And for my personal page, I want you to give it a follow.
(29:38):
It's gonna be my first and last name, Solana Newton,
on all platforms.
We're a supportive space that wants you to have
and share your experiences.
Share them with me and we can all learn together
about all of our experiences.
Again, remember that you're not alone.
Keep seeking help and keep moving forward.
(30:00):
Your wellbeing always will matter here
and it will always matter on purpose.
Make an imprint on your life
and you will always do better for yourself.
Have a wonderful day and a wonderful Sunday.
Welcome back to the Behavioral Blueprint podcast today.
(00:03):
We're going to dive deep into the topic that often usually goes unnoticed,
and we have usual and big impacts on our lives.
Every day, the childhood emotional neglect is not really seen or taken
for really what it's at for face value in today's society.
Join us as we explore and we question the root of its issue.
(00:29):
We accept its hidden costs and also the path to healing.
Of course, we're also going to discuss the understanding of what childhood
emotional neglect is and how it can shape our lives into crazy steps,
but then also into the minuscule steps of everyday challenges that we face.
(00:50):
First, we need to understand childhood emotional neglect first.
What does that mean for us and how does that impact our development growing up?
When it comes to how emotional neglect looks for you,
it's obviously going to be complex for every single person.
You're not going to understand where certain triggers come from when you
(01:12):
can't handle a certain word in a conversation or when you have to
feel some type of tightness in your chest when something doesn't make sense
because you yearn for something that never has existed in your life before.
Neglect is a form of trauma that is a void.
(01:33):
It's a void that feels like it can never be filled no matter how much you pour into it.
I want you to ask yourself,
what are the signs that you see in your everyday living that makes you
feel the same that you really felt when you were a child?
The cost of today's living and the cost of how much we have to really
(01:55):
tolerate with disrespect is at an all-time high.
We really don't have face-to-face conversations anymore.
We don't really have, I would say,
the dopamine hits that really help us grow into, of course,
better people and connect and have the community that we really need.
(02:17):
Now, let's go into what this cost you whenever you have to face your emotional neglect.
Whenever you deal with the tendency of wanting to please others to
an over-extensive need and you want a people please and you want to make everyone's life happy,
(02:39):
you need to slow down and you need to analyze why.
Why do I need to make this specific person happy?
Why do I need to be okay when everybody else is okay first?
Why do I not ask myself when I start my day how I'm feeling, how I'm doing,
(03:00):
where do I want to do or where do I want to go today?
What do I want to do today?
Instead, of course,
because life wires us into this form of believing that we need to
serve others and perform and be the things that people expect us to be,
we worry about our bills.
(03:20):
We worry about the major understanding of if we have everything together.
If we're not late for work,
we're going to get in trouble or all of
these things that are already predestined for us to be okay with.
People pleasing, in my opinion,
because I've deal with people pleasing today,
it builds a form of manipulation in a way because you need to
(03:44):
constantly almost give out a form of not even being able to give to
yourself anymore to these other people and it's a desperation thing.
It makes you feel like you have to do this to feel better and to be happier,
when in reality, that's nothing that you'll ever get back.
(04:05):
Now, let's get into the conversation of codependency.
I've been in a lot of
codependent relationships because I lacked my mother growing up.
I wasn't really connected to my mother because I didn't
expect to go into my personal life so quickly,
but she really didn't raise me and it created a wound for
(04:28):
myself to feel like I wasn't deserving and I wasn't valued and I wasn't important.
I connected myself with people that either one,
wanted somebody to feel like nothing in the relationship or two,
wanted to be served as God or served as a higher purpose,
(04:51):
as if they needed to be feeling as if they needed to be enough.
Usually getting the lower end of the stick,
it makes you feel like you need to always feel like you need to do more.
I heard this quote where this person said,
you don't have to continue to deal with this person that's difficult for you to make
(05:14):
them or to think that you're going to make them be happier for you or to make them feel better about you.
Bad people or difficult people don't become just difficult all of a sudden.
These people are always going to be difficult in your life,
or the codependency or the person that you're codependent with,
(05:36):
is usually going to be difficult in your life because the aspect of the relationship is wrong.
Whenever you feel like you need somebody to live or you need somebody to survive,
that's not usually a healthy relationship in today's society.
Because in true reality,
we can feed ourselves and we can, of course,
(06:00):
do things and walk out of the door tomorrow and fully walk and
fully be able-bodied enough to do what we need to do by ourselves.
Depending on codependency with either a relationship or a form of a friendship, anything, it's a need.
(06:20):
You feel like you need this person and it's a craving.
You want to make sure that this person is fully taken care of.
It usually, of course, has the traits of a relationship,
but it has the cost of more than what a relationship would even ask for.
Because again, you're drained again.
(06:40):
You don't know what to do again.
You feel tired at the end of your days because you're constantly giving to
a person or to a thing that doesn't ever want to give you what you deserve back.
Now, third for this segment,
it's going to be self-sabotage.
As a past self-sabotage girly,
(07:02):
I am a person that always believed that I needed somebody to point to,
to say they were the problem or I would make myself implode to make it be like,
okay, I am the problem because all of the things that were honestly
(07:26):
self-imposed or self-believed are true.
I'm really nothing or I'm really not that thing that I deserve to be or
they didn't see that true thing that I needed them to see.
In creating a form of a victimization for yourself,
you become this thing that is a victim because you want to be a victim.
(07:49):
Now, again, we're focusing on emotion and neglect.
I'm looking at what it means and the cost of emotional neglect.
The people pleasing, the codependency,
and the self-sabotage are traits in how you act when you deal with emotional neglect.
Again, circling back to how I spoke about my mother and how that made me
(08:13):
feel emotional neglect,
those three things that we're talking about caused me to not be able to
have a sense of mind with myself.
It made me think, okay,
I need to be this self-victimizing victim and feel like every person that
encounters me needs to know that I'm a victim and they need to take care of how I'm a victim.
(08:38):
What? I can't just let myself live like that.
Then thank God,
I met people today that have shaken me out of the things that I literally am dealing with.
Because the emotional neglect that I felt,
I don't feel that anymore. Why?
Because I removed the codependency,
(08:58):
I removed the self-sabotage because I have people in
my life that hold me accountable when I'm doing self-sabotaging.
I'm removing the people pleasing,
I'm becoming more honest, I'm saying no,
I'm standing up for myself.
When you really go toe-to-toe with that emotional neglect,
you might think that that emotional neglect is bigger than you.
(09:20):
Because it's lasted longer in your head,
it's been a luminary thing.
Then also it's been something where you feel like,
okay, since this has been true prior times,
it needs to be true again. It doesn't.
You can literally remove the cycle that you have been creating.
(09:41):
I'm so sorry that these things in life that you had no control over when you were younger,
happened to you.
But today, you have a choice.
You have a choice to be the person that you dream to be.
You have a choice to remove the emotional neglect from your body,
from who you are because you can remove these traits,
(10:02):
the people pleasing, the codependency,
and again, the self-sabotage every single day.
I just removed the codependent relationship with myself,
and I struggled with it because that was
the longest codependent relationship I've had in my life.
The longest.
I'm going to have to do it again because I have relationships still
that center into the cost of my emotional neglect.
(10:26):
I still have to do people pleasing and codependency and
strategic ways of thinking with certain people in my life.
Because there's obstacles in relationships,
obstacles that either can be hurdles or mountains.
And when you make these ideas in your brain become a reality,
(10:49):
talking about if they're centered from childhood,
you're going to believe them.
Because the things that have lasted the longest in you
are most likely going to be the things that
are going to stick with you.
Muscle memory is a thing that's real.
And I'm asking you to give yourself another perspective
and look on why you have to feel the way that you feel.
(11:13):
OK, boom.
Segment three.
We're going to talk about how the relationships cause
you to have a ripple effect in your life,
AKA the ripple effect and the butterfly effect
are going to be repeated multiple times in this segment.
So prepare with me, stick with me, stay for the ride.
We're going to go through this together.
And I promise, I got you.
(11:35):
I got you.
I got you.
I got you.
First, the attachment styles are really
the main web of our relationships in our lives.
They're all, of course, interconnected
because sometimes we approach this relationship on how
we look at this relationship.
That's why we have life experiences.
(11:55):
And that's how we usually try to deal
with certain life experiences.
Now, let me give you an example.
If you deal with something for the first time
and you don't know how to approach it,
where do you think the easiest way to approach that situation?
You're going to think for something
with your muscle memory.
(12:16):
And you're going to try to approach it
where it makes sense in your head.
For me, I dealt with something like six months ago.
And I approached it in a wrong way.
It was a people pleasing way.
And it made me literally self-sabotage my situation.
And till this day, sometimes I think about the situation
and I'm like, damn, I really wish
(12:36):
I didn't fuck up that situation.
Damn, I really wish I didn't do this, and I didn't do this,
and I didn't do this.
But sitting there thinking about a decision
that I made six months ago will not change my lifestyle.
It will not change where I'm at today.
Because where I'm at today still is a person that continues
to work hard, and that is caring, and that is loving,
(12:59):
and that doesn't create what I did then.
Because the mistake that I did then doesn't fully explain
the person that I am today.
I want to go back and just recommend my other episode
that was a failure is not your future,
because that episode is truly my favorite episode
I've ever recorded.
(13:21):
And I still go back on that episode.
That episode is so good.
But focusing back on attachment styles,
how does emotional neglect shape our attachment styles
and impact our relationships today?
It impacts our relationships today because of, again,
the web of how we do things and how we decide
(13:42):
on this relationship, and then also making sure
that decision is connected to either the new decision
that we make in our next life, or in our next decision,
or our next life experience.
They all have a part of each other.
Sometimes those decisions are good,
and sometimes those decisions are bad.
(14:02):
How we have a relationship with that person
really goes on seeing if we're going to make a,
quote unquote, good or bad decision in the relationship.
With me and my boyfriend, even though I do not talk
about our personal lives, we deal with moments
where we both want to self-sabotage
(14:22):
because we think that that's easier.
We both have dealt with emotional neglect so many times
because we didn't have a full-fledged nuclear family home
where it was both of our parents in the home,
and we both could know how to respond,
and all of these things where we can just catch
healthy things or unhealthy things.
(14:43):
That wasn't something that we had.
It was something that was honestly not given to us
because of how life was given to us.
But we realized through the hurdles in our relationship,
we can't continue to self-sabotage.
We have to be there for the moments with each other
instead of quitting on each other
because we want to approach our relationship healthily.
(15:05):
That's one step that we make in today
where we begin to do better for ourselves.
In just how I was just talking about
how attachment styles play a big part,
how you talk to people is a big, big, big, big, big part.
People that deal with emotional neglect sometimes,
they go silent and they go like literally, truly silent.
(15:30):
They don't understand how to process it, so they freeze.
And I feel for those people, I really, really do.
I really, really, really, really do.
But as a person that knows emotional neglect from firsthand,
that makes it worse because you isolate yourself
and you feel like you can't become a better person.
(15:53):
You feel like you can't, you feel like it's easier
to be by yourself because you feel like that's the answer.
That's the answer that was given to the person
that was out, or I'm sorry, in the control
of taking care of you or in the control of responsible
for you or I would say in the control
(16:13):
of being responsible for you.
And I wanna just say it's not the answer.
If you had something that you were responsible for,
talking about relationships or friends or family,
and you ghost them or you do something that requires you
to not be as responsible anymore,
(16:34):
that's going to change the rift of the relationship.
People deal with routine day to day.
People expect you and they miss you and they love you.
If you go radio silent, it changes how you look
at the relationship.
It makes you question, hey, what's going on?
Or what's this or what's that and what's that?
(16:56):
Communication challenges usually come from, of course,
the stem of not being able to properly voice out
your feelings or voice out the things that you need
or the things that you want.
And that is, of course, again, stemming from family trauma.
That's what we're talking about here today.
I was talking about my previous love life earlier,
(17:19):
but let's go right back into love lives.
We have complicated love lives every single day
when we deal with emotional neglect.
We think that we have to have the thing that we lacked
because we think that that's gonna fill the void.
When in reality, you honestly need the opposite
of what you think you need.
(17:39):
If you think that you need somebody that's going to,
I would say, tell you all the things, oh,
breathe life into you and give you all the things
that you never had and all the things
you always have deserved.
That is true.
But, but, but, but, are you even able to take it?
(18:01):
Are you even able to accept it
the second that it's given to you?
If you had the dream person that you literally
yearn over today, could you take them?
Could you accept them?
Could you love them for the person that they are?
Because it is rare to even love another person
in the complex relationships that we have today.
(18:23):
You are a complex person if you are dealing
with emotional neglect.
You are a beautifully made person,
but it doesn't change the fact that
how you look at relationships
is looking in the space of need.
When love is always in the space of how,
in the space of how can I, how can we,
(18:46):
how can I be a team, how can we be a team?
Needing is a different space of a relationship.
You needed your parents.
You don't need a relationship.
You needed, again, companion,
and you needed people to be responsible.
(19:08):
You needed people to acknowledge the things that they do.
That doesn't mean that just because somebody
that is really good for you,
that has the moment of acknowledgement
or has the spaces of being able to catch themselves
or do right for themselves,
(19:30):
and they're able to do the things that I would say
fit the things that you've always wanted.
That person, yes, again, I keep saying the same thing,
but yes, again, can be great for you,
but can you even check whenever you're not
in the right place or whenever you're in a place
(19:51):
where it's very complicated for you to even respond
to something that's very good for you?
You have to understand that romantic relationships,
friendships, and even bigger companionships
all come from a form of needing to be with community.
The person that you're with today,
(20:12):
if you're with a person in a relationship, loves you,
and they need you, but the way that you need them
and the way that they need you can't be different.
It has to be the same need
because that's the way that it usually has to be healthy.
If I need you in all aspects of my life,
(20:34):
emotional, mental, financial, spiritual,
and all of the other olds and isms,
how do I allow you to be a person?
I don't because I want you to feel the void
of what I expected other people to need,
or I'm sorry, other people to be.
If I expected my father when I was two years old,
(20:58):
three years old at those ages where he was, of course,
I don't even remember off the top of my head,
to give to me spiritually, mentally, financially,
all of these isms, and again, wise,
that would make sense because I'm a two-year-old
that has to depend on my father.
But if I'm 26 and I need my father
(21:20):
to give to me spiritually, mentally, emotionally,
and all of the isms and the buts,
people will look at me like, you're grown.
Why do I need to do that?
Now, assign that to your relationship with your person.
Am I able to carry my responsibilities and carry my load
(21:41):
and know that my emotional neglect
doesn't have to stem or become
in the form of needing somebody else?
Need a quick break?
Don't worry, we'll be right back with our topic
for today's discussion.
And in the meantime, why not just check out
our YouTube channel and our Instagram
for exclusive content and behind the scenes action.
(22:04):
Thank you for listening, and we're gonna see you real soon.
Now, for my personal favorite part,
we're gonna find your way back, literally Beyonce style.
We're gonna make sure that you find your journey
into healing today.
I want you to ask yourself,
when is the last time that I showed self compassion
(22:26):
to myself?
And if you can't give a day, a time, a moment,
then you haven't been doing it enough.
If you do not have any ability to acknowledge
the neglect that you went through,
you have to start there.
You have to start with acknowledging the fact
that you didn't have enough
(22:48):
and know that you deserve to treat yourself kinder
every single day because of the fact that you deserve it.
And not that you deserve it,
but now you have the chance to have it.
You have the chance to pour back into yourself.
You have the chance to become the person
(23:10):
that you did not have.
You have the chance to become the indefinite shield
that you don't even know is a thing.
You've dreamt of it.
You've asked for it and you've begged for it
in your brain and in your mind and in your prayers
and in your heart.
But you'd never saw it as a real thing
(23:31):
until you see it in yourself
because you're the person that created it.
You're the person that visualized it
and wanted it and dreamt of it and loved it
until you might've thought it was in that person
and it was a trial and error,
or you thought that it could be in this either book
(23:54):
or in this obsession or in anything that you want to feel
or make you feel better from the pain
because the pain of not feeling worthy or needed
or important was too heavy in the moment.
Where you are with your emotional neglect
(24:16):
isn't going to change by tomorrow.
You're asking for a breakthrough
and you're asking for a moment of being able
to have mental clarity with yourself.
And today is a moment of transformation for yourself.
Knowing that the first step into pain acknowledgement
and healing and becoming the person that you deserve to be
(24:39):
is acknowledging that you deserve to be treated softer
than how you were treated.
Now, I bring up every chance that I get
to talk about therapy,
every chance that I really love it to, honestly speaking,
but I love my therapist.
I think that the privilege of having therapy
(25:01):
has changed my life,
but then also knowing the fact that I can have a chance
to be loved and have a chance to be seen and heard
and understand, or I'm sorry, understood the way
that I've been seeking
because my therapist honestly loves me.
(25:21):
I love Ms. Karen as much as she loves me.
And we both, of course, help each other
with seeing the things that we don't see.
I get very often how I'm in my sessions
and we talk about the things that I deeply, deeply feel
and she's taken it back because she's never heard
(25:43):
that perspective before.
Whenever I deal with talking about my emotional neglect,
we have to steer into a different subject
because sometimes it's too heavy and that's okay.
Sometimes even whenever you're in a space of healing
with the problem and with the trigger and with the trauma,
(26:04):
and you're in the space of healing it,
you might not even have the words to do anything with it.
And that's okay.
Using tools and ways and practices that ease your soul
into loving yourself again and loving the void
(26:26):
that you want to fill.
Because when you really look at it,
the void that you want to fill is like a black hole.
It never is going to be full.
It's never going to be poured up like a cup,
like a full glass of cup of water.
It's never going to be that way.
Because what it's asking for is all of you,
(26:47):
if that makes sense.
The void is asking for you to fill up yourself
into the black hole to the point where you won't even
be able to exist anymore.
You won't even be able to practice the tools that you need
or have the self-compassion or have a love life
(27:08):
or do anything that requires you to be yourself.
It wants to take over because it wants to be the thing
in control of you.
If you can go into knowing that your emotional neglect
is preventing you from having success, check it.
It's stopping you from winning, check it.
(27:29):
It's stopping you from getting that bag, check it.
Because the things that are stopping you from being you
are only asking you to move out of its way.
Simple as that.
That's all it's asking for.
It's asking for you to just move
because you're the blockade.
(27:51):
The things that happen to you are asking
for you to move forward.
It's asking for you to let go
because the emotional neglect is taking up space
in your life where you can't even enjoy things
that you're asked to enjoy or you're supposed to enjoy
(28:12):
because you're preventing yourself from seeing the better
because you want to be right so bad about how other people
from your past have treated you.
I want you to remember you're not alone
and there's hope for you to change.
Understanding that childhood, emotional neglect
(28:34):
and taking steps towards the healing that you need
can create the person that you have been idealizing
and wanting to be.
That version is not perfect, that version is flawed
and that version is you.
Regardless, you're loved and you're seen
(28:55):
and you're heard and you're valued.
As we end this episode, I want you to remember
that your journey towards healing
is always gonna be unique.
There's no one size fits all in all of your problems
and there's no one size that fits all
for all of your solutions.
It's all about finding what best works for you.
(29:16):
If you're feeling inspired to delve any types of deeper
into my mental health podcast, The Behavioral Blueprint,
I appreciate you and I would appreciate
if you of course connect with our other platforms as well.
On Instagram and on YouTube, we're gonna be named
under The Behavioral Blueprint.
And for my personal page, I want you to give it a follow.
(29:38):
It's gonna be my first and last name, Solana Newton,
on all platforms.
We're a supportive space that wants you to have
and share your experiences.
Share them with me and we can all learn together
about all of our experiences.
Again, remember that you're not alone.
Keep seeking help and keep moving forward.
(30:00):
Your wellbeing always will matter here
and it will always matter on purpose.
Make an imprint on your life
and you will always do better for yourself.
Have a wonderful day and a wonderful Sunday.
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