The Lawnversation | Living Under Scottish Rule | Storytime

Here's a little story about living under Scottish Rule in America.  Most immigrants that come to this country try to assimilate, but the laws that govern your life inside your house are those of your mother country. 

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Episode Transcript

Frank Hannah (00:00):
The Best Worst idea is a weekly podcast
exploring how our worst ideasoften give way to our best
ideas.
What's your best worst idea?
Want to find out? Let's goYou're so ugly you can be a

(00:23):
modern art masterpiece.
You look like a blueberry. Who'sgonna take his place? See is
Jesus. You this? This is myit's time for another story.

(00:44):
Though I was born in Scotland, Icame to this country at a very
young age.
My family settled in the SouthBay town of Torrance,
California. We rented a housethat sat on a corner of a small
block. It had a large raisedporch and a giant avocado tree

(01:07):
that would drop football sizedavocados every couple of years,
which would go on eaten and rotin clusters at the base of the
tree. It was 1979 Scottishpeople knew even less about
avocados then than they do now.
Our lawn was huge for theneighborhood, as curled around

(01:28):
the side of the house with thesidewalk. And like so many
immigrants to this country. Wewant it to be American. All we
were firstly proud of ourheritage and where we came from.
We wanted a piece of theAmerican dream. We did our best
to assimilate. But I was veryclear on the fact that I was

(01:49):
living under Scottish rule. Myparents were a unified front.
You could not play one parentagainst the other, even when
they themselves may havedisagreed with the others
decision. They stayed alignedchildren or to be seen and not
heard. Our feelings and choiceswere handed to us. It was not a

(02:13):
democracy. There was no bill ofrights to turn to. There were
chores to complete on a dailybasis. This included and was not
limited to sweeping, cleaning,washing, dishes, dusting,
vacuuming, and the ever presenttask of peeling potatoes. We ate

(02:35):
some form of potato with everymeal. Spaghetti on the menu for
tonight. Fantastic. Fuelpotatoes, you get the idea. One
of the other daily chores was towater the aforementioned lawn.
When my father came home fromwork, the first question he

(02:59):
would ask wasdid you get air and water the
lawn? Boy? Yes, I would answer.
He would not then how long didit take you?
I understand something. There isno right answer to this

(03:20):
question. If you said 10minutes, my father would
proclaim thatyou could not possibly have
given the lawn a proper drunkand 10 minutes there and furnish
it.
Conversely, if you said 30minutes, he would rage
five minutes. What do you thinkmade up bloody money?

(03:45):
There was no pleasing the man.
So you simply had to make achoice. Stand by it and take
your medicine either way. Well,one day I sat in class at school
and looked out the window andwatched a torrential downpour
flood the streets. It was acold, wet and grey day but I
smiled inside because I knew Iwouldn't have to go home and

(04:08):
water the grass. By the timeschool was over the rain had
stopped but the effects of thestorm were visible everywhere.
Clogged drainage tunnels,collections of mud and leaves
were everywhere. I walked homefrom school without a care in
the world. around 5pm or so myfather arrived home. I was

(04:31):
watching TV. He must havebristled at the sight of me
looking relaxed and selfsatisfied. Then it came the one
question I was sure I wouldn'thave to answer. Did you won't
have that long today boy. Thecircuits in my brain seized. I

(04:52):
didn't know how to answer. Imean, this was a joke right? I
eventually answered no. My voicewas just above a whisper. My
father pressed harder. What?
Speak up. No, I reiterated. Whynot? Because it rained. What?

(05:19):
Speak up. louder now I answered.
Because it rained. I fatherlooked through me. His need to
not be challenged by his sonmust have outweighed his common
sense. He simply said,you get out there and you water
the hole.

(05:42):
Within a minute or two I couldbe seen watering a rain soaked
lawn and full view of theneighbor's God and everyone. The
neighbor directly across thestreet called out to me as all
it rained all day, what are youdoing? All I could do was nod
while the insults continued. Idon't know if there's a moral to

(06:05):
the story. But I still can'tstand avocados
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