July 5, 2025 • 40 mins
Ever found yourself thinking, "They should just know what I need"? That silent expectation might be quietly destroying your relationships. In this eye-opening exploration of unspoken and unrealistic expectations, Dr. Dar Hawks reveals why the standards we never verbalize become the invisible architects of our disappointment.
When we expect perfection, constant happiness, or mind-reading abilities from our partners, we create impossible standards no real relationship can meet. Dr. Hawks breaks down how these expectations manifest differently depending on your primary relationship need – whether you prioritize love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety, or power. By understanding which need drives your expectations, you gain crucial insight into the assumptions you make about how others should treat you.
The most powerful revelation? Fulfilling your expectations isn't primarily your partner's responsibility—it's yours. While others can contribute to meeting your needs, the accountability begins with you. Dr. Hawks offers practical strategies for communicating expectations effectively, setting realistic boundaries, and negotiating when expectations differ. She emphasizes the importance of discussing needs during moments of emotional clarity rather than heated arguments.
Perhaps most transformative is becoming the exemplary model of your own expectations. When you consistently demonstrate the behaviors you desire—whether it's open communication, loyalty, or quality time—you create an environment where these values naturally flourish. This approach shifts relationships from battlegrounds of silent demands to spaces for genuine connection and mutual growth.
Ready to transform your relationships? Take the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com to discover which need drives your expectations, or book a one-on-one coaching session at bookings.drdarhawks.com to address specific relationship challenges.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
Book a coaching session: https://huddle.drdarhawks.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Episode 61 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationshipand Communication Coach and
Healer, and today we're talkingabout unspoken and unrealistic
expectations.
This is a two-part series aboutexpectations.
(00:23):
Part series about expectations.
Part two is where I'm going todive more deeply into unspoken
and unrealistic expectations andthe consequences of them.
Unrealistic expectations inmarriage and relationships often
come from idealized imagesportrayed by media, religion,
(00:45):
cultural or familial stories.
These high expectations createan environment where you can
feel pressured to meet standardsthat simply are either not
attainable or just, flat out,are incorrect or not right for
you and, more importantly, theymay not be what's best for you.
(01:09):
When someone expects perfectionor constant happiness, there
are natural ups and downs ofreal life and are emotions that
clash with impossible idealslike those here are some
examples of unrealisticexpectations Expecting others to
(01:30):
always know what you needwithout being told.
Thinking others will know whatand when to do something without
being asked.
Believing love should beeffortless all the time and that
love is enough for arelationship to last.
And weather storms, assumingconflicts mean that the
(01:51):
relationship is failing.
Anticipating flawlesscommunication with no
misunderstandings, or expectingthings to stay the same or go
back to the way they were.
These kinds of expectationslead to finding faults in each
other.
When partners or individualsfocus on what's wrong instead of
(02:16):
what's working, communicationand interactions will shift from
being supportive andunderstanding to being critical
and judgmental.
This pattern creates resentmentand emotional distance instead
of connection.
One of my superpowers is toeffortlessly hone in on what is
(02:39):
working in your relationship,address why you came to me,
which is for help to resolvewhat is not working and restore
your mental and emotionalharmony, as well as that of the
relationship.
If there is something about arelationship that is bothering
(03:00):
you or getting under your skin,or that you're overlooking,
maybe sweeping it under the rug,thinking it might just resolve
itself, I invite you to book afree consult with me at
bookingsdrdarhawkscom.
The dangers of expectations inyour relationships are how they
(03:23):
distort reality and honestly seteveryone up for disappointment
and potential failure.
Believing in fairy taleversions of love can possibly
blind you to the beauty ofgrowth, compromise and
imperfection, which are allessential ingredients for
lasting relationships andself-growth.
(03:45):
Recognizing when expectationsare unrealistic will open the
door to healthier, morecompassionate interactions and
to your mental and emotionalwell-being.
When individuals hold backtheir needs and desires or
(04:07):
assume their partners or othersshould intuitively understand
them, a damaging cycle begins.
This lack of open communicationforms a breeding ground for
making assumptions andinterpretations, which then
leads to unmet expectations thaterode trust, connection and
communication.
(04:27):
You may feel neglected orunsupported and that will cause
emotional burnout and a desireto distance yourself from the
relationship.
It's crucial to understand andrecognize the dangers of
unspoken expectations and theimportance of open and
(04:48):
transparent dialogue to ensuremutual understanding and
strengthen your foundation of ahealthy relationship with
yourself and with others.
Here are examples of unspokenexpectations from the lens of
the five primary relationshipneeds.
(05:09):
If you want to learn more aboutthe five primary relationship
needs and identify your dominantrelationship need, I invite you
to take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
The first primary relationshipneed is love and belonging.
(05:32):
The examples are expecting yourpartner to understand your need
for reassurance and emotionalsupport without explicitly
asking for it.
Assuming that your partnershould instinctively know how to
make you feel loved andappreciated and how to support
you.
And expecting your partner tounderstand your need for
(05:56):
intimacy and closeness withoutexpressing it or defining
specifically what that lookslike for you.
The second primary relationshipneed is freedom.
Here are the examplesassociated with that
(06:17):
relationship need Believing thatyour partner should give you
personal space and time foryourself without you having to
request it.
Expecting your partner tosupport your individual pursuits
and hobbies without discussingthem first or addressing any
financial aspects of supportingyour hobby.
Presuming your partner willrespect your independence and
(06:39):
personal space withoutexplicitly stating this
expectation.
(06:59):
Now let's talk about the primaryrelationship need of fun and
the examples of unspoken needsassociated with that, with fun
Associated with fun.
Assuming your partner will planenjoyable activities or
surprise you with funexperiences regularly, even for
(07:22):
special occasions like birthdaysor anniversaries.
Expecting shared humor andlightheartedness to naturally
occur without communicating whatmakes you and your partner or
others laugh.
Seeking shared enjoyment andexcitement in activities without
openly communicating yourpreferences or desires.
Assuming your partner willinherently know how to bring joy
(07:45):
and lightheartedness into therelationship without discussing
what brings fun to each of youindividually.
For the primary relationshipneed of safety and survival,
assuming your partner willalways protect you emotionally
and physically, withoutdiscussing these needs and
(08:07):
specifically what you need.
Expecting financial orpractical support during times
of crisis without discussing thespecifics of these needs and
making agreements.
The fifth primary relationshipneed is power, and here are the
examples Believing that yourpartner should automatically
(08:30):
respect your opinions anddecisions in the relationship.
Assuming that your partnerunderstands your desire for
influence or control in certainaspects of the relationship
without openly discussing it.
Believing your partner willconsistently acknowledge your
efforts and contributionswithout communication or
(08:52):
anticipating mutual support forpersonal development and shared
goals without havingconversations about them or
celebrating the success of them.
To learn which of the fiveprimary relationship needs is
your dominant, take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
(09:14):
Let's now talk about healthyrelationship expectations and
setting realistic boundaries.
Healthy relationshipexpectations are based on
(09:38):
respect, understanding,communication, trust and support
for one another.
Instead of striving forperfection or unrealistic ideals
, these expectations focus onwhat each of you realistically
(10:00):
needs the values you, each ofeach other.
Fulfilling your expectations,by the way, is not your
partner's or anyone else'saccountability.
It is, first and foremost, youraccountability.
(10:37):
Your partner or others cancontribute to the fulfillment.
However, it is healthy toidentify and communicate the
areas in which you are takingresponsibility and which areas
you want their support or theirownership.
You can then share which areasyou are seeking their help and
(10:58):
support and fulfilling, but youalso need to give them and be
open to them, saying they can'taccommodate it and not get your
feelings hurt.
After all, it is yourexpectation and your need, and
then dialogue about possibleways that they can support you
that may be indirectly tied tothis expectation you have.
(11:22):
It's quite possible that yourpartner and others are already
supporting you in many ways toforward your expectation or
fulfill it, but you may not beaware or connect the actions
that they're taking with thisexpectation.
(11:45):
Boundaries and expectations inrelationships really go hand in
hand.
Boundaries and expectations inrelationships really go hand in
hand.
Clear boundaries will protectyour emotional and mental
well-being and defines what isacceptable behavior from
yourself and your partner andothers.
Setting these boundaries foryourself and then communicating
(12:06):
them and obtaining agreement tohonor them will prevent
misunderstandings and resentmentcaused by cross-lines or unmet
needs.
Here's a list of basicrelationship needs that often
(12:27):
serve as examples of healthy andrealistic expectations, when
communicated and agreed to, formutual alignment.
Emotional safety it's aboutfeeling heard, valued and
(13:00):
supported without fear ofjudgment.
Trust and honesty.
Open communication withoutdeception or secrecy.
Respect for individuality,honoring personal space,
interests and decisions.
Mutual effort both partners orall parties are contributing to
(13:25):
the relationship's growth in areciprocal manner.
Affection and intimacy.
Physical and emotionalcloseness expressed in ways
meaningful to both of you andeach other.
Meaningful to each other.
Meaningful to each other.
Shared responsibilities, a fairdivision of household tasks,
(13:50):
finances or caregiving rolesbased on each other's strengths,
not weaknesses.
Conflict resolution, theability to discuss disagreements
calmly and seek compromise.
Fidelity, commitment tomonogamy or other agreed-upon
(14:11):
boundaries regarding outsiderelationships.
Quality time and attention.
Making an effort to prioritizetime together and actively
listen to each other withoutdistractions.
Support other withoutdistractions.
Support, offering encouragement, empathy and assistance daily,
(14:34):
not just during challengingtimes.
Flexibility, a willingness togrow, adapt and compromise as
circumstances change.
While these are commonexpectations, it's important to
remember that every relationshipis unique.
Each person in the relationshipis also unique.
(14:56):
Open communication, makinghealthy self-choices and
creating mutual understandingwill help you navigate through
the process of settingboundaries and determining
realistic expectations that workfor both partners, that work
(15:18):
for everyone.
It's important to haveconversations about boundaries
instead of you just setting themand then demanding them, and
then understanding this balancebetween needs and boundaries
will create space for compassionrather than control.
(15:40):
Clear boundaries paired withhonest conversation will allow
each of you to express yourunique expectations.
Each of you to express yourunique expectations in marriage
or any committed partnership,with friendships or even with
(16:03):
family or in the workplace, withgreater clarity and kindness.
Here are some examples ofhealthy relationship
expectations to model yourselfand to have in your
relationships, and this again isfrom the lens of the five
primary relationship needs.
(16:24):
It's also important tocommunicate these expectations
and recognize and appreciatethem when they happen.
Verbally Love and belonging.
Expecting regular expressionsof affection, appreciation and
(16:45):
support.
Anticipating emotionalavailability and attentive
listening from your partner.
Valuing shared rituals likedate nights or daily check-ins
that nurture connection.
From the perspective of freedom, expecting mutual respect for
personal space, hobbies andfriendships outside of the
(17:06):
relationship.
Supporting each other'sindividuality and allowing
autonomy in decision-making andagreeing to communicate openly
about boundaries and changes inneeds over time.
The primary relationship needof fun consists of prioritizing
(17:27):
shared enjoyment throughactivities, laughter or playful
moments together.
Being open to trying newexperiences as a couple,
encouraging each other to pursuejoy both together and
individually.
From the perspective of safetyand survival, expecting honesty,
reliability and a commitment tophysical and emotional safety.
(17:49):
Expecting honesty, reliabilityand a commitment to physical and
emotional safety.
Sharing responsibility forfinancial planning and practical
life management.
Creating a home environmentwhere both partners feel secure.
Expressing vulnerabilities.
Lastly, from the perspective ofpower, valuing each other's
opinions in major decisions oreven small decisions affecting
(18:11):
the relationship and, by the way, most opinions and decisions
affect the relationship directlyor indirectly Expecting
respectful negotiation duringdisagreements rather than
dominance or manipulation.
Supporting each other's goals,ambitions and sense of personal
(18:31):
achievement, these healthyexpectations create open
communication, respect forboundaries and mutual growth.
They help relationships thrivewhile honoring each other's core
needs.
Relationships thrive whilehonoring each other's core needs
(18:54):
.
Let's now talk aboutcommunicating expectations
effectively.
In any relationship, it iscrucial to have open and honest
conversations about eachperson's needs and desires and
feelings.
It is also important to do itonce you have mental and
emotional clarity yourself,instead of in the middle of an
(19:16):
emotional moment.
This kind of dialogue helps toensure that both of you are on
the same page and can worktogether towards a fulfilling
relationship.
Open dialogue allows bothpartners to express their
thoughts and feelings freely.
(19:36):
It creates a safe place andspace where individuals can
share their hopes, dreams,feelings and expectations
without fear of judgment orrejection.
Without fear of judgment orrejection.
By actively and reflectivelylistening to each other and
validating one another'sexperiences, couples can build a
stronger emotional connection.
(19:59):
Strategies for identifyinghidden assumptions.
Sometimes you may have certainassumptions about your partner's
thoughts or actions that gounspoken.
These assumptions can oftenlead to misunderstandings and
conflicts if not discussed oraddressed.
Here are some strategies foridentifying and expressing
(20:21):
hidden assumptions in anempathetic way.
Reflect on your own beliefs.
Take some time to think aboutwhat beliefs, values, ideals or
expectations you may have aboutyour partner or the relationship
.
Are there any assumptions thatyou have not communicated?
(20:45):
Number two ask your partneropen-ended questions to gain a
better understanding of theirperspective.
For example, instead of sayingyou always want to spend time
with your friends, try askinghow do you feel about balancing
time between our relationshipand your friendships, and what
(21:09):
are some ways that I canparticipate with you?
Practice active and reflectivelistening.
When your partner shares theirthoughts or feelings, make an
effort to truly listen, be quietand understand their point of
view.
Avoid interrupting, defendingor jumping to conclusions before
(21:32):
they finish speaking.
Ask them is there more?
Is there anything else?
Then ask may I share?
Once you get the go-ahead, thenshare what you heard and ask
them if you got that right.
(21:54):
It's natural for individuals ina relationship to have different
hopes and desires, butsometimes these hopes may be
unrealistic or unreasonable, oreven unattainable, and
oftentimes they need to bebroken down into much, much
smaller goals in order to attainthem.
(22:15):
In such cases, it's importantto negotiate and find common
ground.
Here are some basic negotiationtechniques that can help
Identify the specific areaswhere you disagree, pinpoint the
specific expectations ordesires that are causing tension
(22:36):
in the relationship, and thendetermine if they are truly from
this relationship or is thissomething you've experienced in
a past relationship that is nowgetting triggered in this
relationship?
Be willing to compromise.
Understand that not everyexpectation can be fully met by
others.
Be open to finding middleground where both of you and
(23:00):
your needs are partiallyfulfilled by each other or by
yourselves.
Set realistic goals togetherInstead of focusing on
individual hopes.
Work together as a team to setrealistic goals for the
relationship.
By effectively communicatingexpectations in relationships
through open dialogue, empathyand negotiation techniques,
(23:24):
individuals and couples cancreate a healthier dynamic where
everyone feels heard and valued.
If you do try and communicateand it ends up in disagreement
and argument or defensiveness,please seek professional support
(23:45):
from a relationshipcommunication coach like myself,
who can facilitate opencommunication and make it easier
for you to both move forwardwith clear direction and
agreements without creatingfurther damage or a lack of
emotional and mental well-being.
Managing relationshipexpectations offers a powerful
(24:11):
opportunity to transformpotential conflicts into
meaningful growth.
When you shift your mindsetfrom what's lacking to how can
you each enrich each other'slives, expectations then become
tools that deepen yourrelationship rather than damage
it.
Consider these practical steps.
(24:33):
Exceed positive expectations.
Small acts of kindness orthoughtful gestures that go
beyond the usual can surpriseand delight your partner.
A simple note, an unexpectedcompliment or taking on a task
without being asked communicatescare and attentiveness.
(24:54):
Celebrate progress.
Recognize when efforts are made, even if they don't fully meet
every expectation.
Appreciation fuels motivationand fosters a nurturing
environment where both partnersfeel valued.
Also, instead of saying goodjob, acknowledge the specific
(25:17):
actions or qualities that youappreciate.
For example, say something likeI really admire how you took
the time to listen to me andunderstand my perspective during
our discussion.
It made me feel heard andvalued.
Embrace flexibility.
Recognize that expectations canevolve over time as individuals
(25:41):
and circumstances change.
Life changes and so do people.
Be open to regularly revisitand adjust your expectations
together and allow room forgrowth and new circumstances.
Prioritize open dialogueRegularly check in with each
(26:02):
other to discuss expectations,needs and desires in a calm and
non-judgmental manner.
Encourage active and reflectivelistening, and be willing to
find compromises that work forboth of you.
Unfortunately, individuals andpartners go into an expectation
(26:22):
conversation, expecting to getthings to go their way or make
things happen in the way theysee it, and what happens as a
result of that is sometimes youwill get your way, but over time
it will damage the relationshipand the other partner will
become bitter because they'renot being heard and compromise
(26:47):
isn't present.
Ultimately, what happens isthat that will lead to burnout,
because you're always gettingyour way and your partner is not
.
Compromise and negotiation isactually a beautiful way to
potentially create somethingeven better than what you
envisioned, and you may not beable to see it until you
(27:07):
compromise and the thing thatyou're expecting happens.
So I really invite you to beopen to learning compromise and
learning how to win togetherinstead of one person winning
and the other losing.
And that's another area ofmastery that I have where I can
(27:27):
facilitate those dialogues withyou to where you both feel like
you're winning.
Dialogues with you to where youboth feel like you're winning.
Managing expectations is anongoing process.
It's not just a one and donething that requires effort from
both partners or all parties.
By approaching it with patience, empathy and a commitment to
(27:49):
each other's growth, you cancreate a relationship that
thrives on mutual understandingand fulfillment, a relationship
that works for both of you.
But sometimes, despite yourbest efforts, communication
barriers do exist.
Seeking professional support,such as couples coaching for
(28:10):
communication barriers, canprovide a safe space to explore
unmet needs with guidance.
Coaches offer practical andrelatable tools to navigate
emotional roadblocks, to helpyou rebuild trust and
understanding.
Coaching is about movingforward and not living in the
(28:32):
past, and that's why couplestend to benefit more from
coaching and are more open toattending coaching sessions.
Managing expectations is lessabout perfection and more about
creating shared meaning,building bridges with empathy
(28:52):
and intention that sustainjoyful, healthy relationships.
Now for one of the mostimportant part of managing
expectations Be the exemplarymodel of your expectations.
In relationships, expectationsactually shape your behaviors,
(29:14):
communication and emotions.
While it's common to havecertain standards or desires
from a partner or others, one ofthe most powerful and
transformative approaches is tobecome the example, the
exemplary model of your ownexpectations.
(29:35):
This means embodying thequalities, attitudes, behaviors
and actions you wish to see inyour partner or relationships.
So what does it mean to be theexemplary model?
Being the exemplary model ofyour expectations involves
consistently practicing thebehaviors and values you hope
(29:58):
and want to receive or expect toreceive from others.
Instead of simply hoping ordemanding that your partner
meets your needs whether it'shonesty, kindness, attentiveness
or open communication youactively demonstrate those
qualities yourself.
You set a living example foryour partner and create a
(30:18):
relationship environment builton mutual respect and
understanding.
Here are the benefits ofmodeling your expectations it
encourages reciprocity.
When you model positivebehaviors, others and your
partner, they're more likely toreflect them back over a certain
(30:39):
time of consistently modelingthose behaviors.
Demonstrating patience, empathyor gratitude encourages your
partner to respond similarly,naturally creating a more
harmonious dynamic between you.
Naturally, creating a moreharmonious dynamic between you.
Being the example builds trustand authenticity.
Consistently living out yourvalues cultivates trust.
(31:02):
Your partner will see you asreliable and sincere, not just
someone with demands, butsomeone invested in self and
shared growth.
Reduces resentment.
Instead of focusing on unmetexpectations or harboring
frustration over what's lacking,you take proactive steps to
nurture your relationship.
(31:23):
This shift minimizes resentmentand helps maintain emotional
balance, inspires mutual growth.
By holding yourself accountablefor the standards you wish to
uphold together, you inspireboth partners to grow.
This approach invites opendialogue about needs and
boundaries, without blame.
(31:44):
Being the example breaks thecycle of unrealistic demands.
When you translate your desiresinto actions rather than silent
assumptions, you clarify whatmatters most, while making space
for imperfection in bothyourself and your partner.
Here are some practicalexamples If you value open
(32:10):
communication, initiate honestconversation and express your
deep thoughts and feelingsopenly, calmly and clearly.
If loyalty matters, showunwavering support through your
actions such as standing up foryour partner in challenging
situations or prioritizing theirneeds and well-being at times.
(32:38):
If growth is a goal, encourageeach other.
If growth is a shared goal,encourage each other's personal
development by providing input,offering resources or providing
or participating in activitiesthat create learning and growth.
If kindness is important,respond with compassion, even
(33:00):
during disagreements.
If quality time together is aneed, prioritize shared
activities without waiting foryour partner to make the first
move.
If chore sharing matters,divide household tasks fairly,
based on each other's strengthsand preferences, without keeping
score or expecting perfection.
(33:23):
Communicate openly about whatneeds to be done and work
together to maintain a balancedand harmonious living
environment.
Harmonious living environment.
Allow others to do things theirway, without expecting them to
do it your way or worse, goingbehind them and redoing it your
(33:43):
way.
Embodying these values yourselfis just as essential as
expecting them from your partner.
This is walking your talk andputs a tremendous amount of
weight in your approach togetting your expectations met,
after communicating them, andgaining agreement after some
compromise.
A healthy, happy and harmoniousrelationship is a continuous
(34:06):
work in progress requiringeffort and commitment from all
parties effort and commitmentfrom all parties.
By actively living out your ownexpectations, you create an
environment conducive to growth,understanding and happiness for
both you and your partner.
Being the exemplary model ofyour expectations transforms
(34:26):
relationships from arenas ofsilent demands and
disappointment into spaces forconnection, learning and mutual
fulfillment.
By demonstrating what youdesire through consistent action
, you create an environmentwhere healthy expectations are
communicated openly and are farmore likely to be met,
(34:50):
strengthening trust anddeepening intimacy along the way
to be met.
Strengthening trust anddeepening intimacy along the way
, learning compromise andnegotiation and how to
communicate in a compassionateway during disagreements or when
you feel your emotion andsurfacing is a skill that can be
learned, and I am happy topartner with you and support you
(35:11):
with learning that this willstrengthen your trust and deepen
intimacy in your relationshipsalong the way.
Now here's my invitation for youTo better understand your needs
and those of your partner,family members, friends or
coworkers.
Take the Primary RelationshipNeeds Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
(35:34):
.
The quiz will provide youvaluable insights into your
primary relationship need andwill help you identify areas for
growth and improvement in yourinteractions with others.
By gaining a deeperunderstanding of your own needs
and those of others, you cancreate a more harmonious and
fulfilling connection in allareas of your own needs and
those of others.
You can create a moreharmonious and fulfilling
(35:55):
connection in all areas of yourlife.
So why not take the first steptowards building healthier
relationships by taking the quiztoday?
Visit needsdardhawkscom.
Also, if you have unmetexpectations in a current or
(36:15):
past experience or pastrelationship whether it's a
partner, boyfriend, parent,friend, co-worker or manager or
you want support with yourexpectations being met, schedule
a coaching session with metoday at bookingsdrdarhawkscom.
(36:38):
Sessions are only $150 persession.
However, if you join mycommunity by taking the primary
relationship needs quiz andparticipate in my monthly events
, which are at no additionalcost to you, each session is $99
(37:02):
.
I hope that that makes bookinga session an easier choice for
you to make.
Thank you for your listeningand for your time, and I look
forward to meeting you in thequiz, in a coaching session or
in the next podcast.
Welcome to Episode 61 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationshipand Communication Coach and
Healer, and today we're talkingabout unspoken and unrealistic
expectations.
This is a two-part series aboutexpectations.
(00:23):
Part series about expectations.
Part two is where I'm going todive more deeply into unspoken
and unrealistic expectations andthe consequences of them.
Unrealistic expectations inmarriage and relationships often
come from idealized imagesportrayed by media, religion,
(00:45):
cultural or familial stories.
These high expectations createan environment where you can
feel pressured to meet standardsthat simply are either not
attainable or just, flat out,are incorrect or not right for
you and, more importantly, theymay not be what's best for you.
(01:09):
When someone expects perfectionor constant happiness, there
are natural ups and downs ofreal life and are emotions that
clash with impossible idealslike those here are some
examples of unrealisticexpectations Expecting others to
(01:30):
always know what you needwithout being told.
Thinking others will know whatand when to do something without
being asked.
Believing love should beeffortless all the time and that
love is enough for arelationship to last.
And weather storms, assumingconflicts mean that the
(01:51):
relationship is failing.
Anticipating flawlesscommunication with no
misunderstandings, or expectingthings to stay the same or go
back to the way they were.
These kinds of expectationslead to finding faults in each
other.
When partners or individualsfocus on what's wrong instead of
(02:16):
what's working, communicationand interactions will shift from
being supportive andunderstanding to being critical
and judgmental.
This pattern creates resentmentand emotional distance instead
of connection.
One of my superpowers is toeffortlessly hone in on what is
(02:39):
working in your relationship,address why you came to me,
which is for help to resolvewhat is not working and restore
your mental and emotionalharmony, as well as that of the
relationship.
If there is something about arelationship that is bothering
(03:00):
you or getting under your skin,or that you're overlooking,
maybe sweeping it under the rug,thinking it might just resolve
itself, I invite you to book afree consult with me at
bookingsdrdarhawkscom.
The dangers of expectations inyour relationships are how they
(03:23):
distort reality and honestly seteveryone up for disappointment
and potential failure.
Believing in fairy taleversions of love can possibly
blind you to the beauty ofgrowth, compromise and
imperfection, which are allessential ingredients for
lasting relationships andself-growth.
(03:45):
Recognizing when expectationsare unrealistic will open the
door to healthier, morecompassionate interactions and
to your mental and emotionalwell-being.
When individuals hold backtheir needs and desires or
(04:07):
assume their partners or othersshould intuitively understand
them, a damaging cycle begins.
This lack of open communicationforms a breeding ground for
making assumptions andinterpretations, which then
leads to unmet expectations thaterode trust, connection and
communication.
(04:27):
You may feel neglected orunsupported and that will cause
emotional burnout and a desireto distance yourself from the
relationship.
It's crucial to understand andrecognize the dangers of
unspoken expectations and theimportance of open and
(04:48):
transparent dialogue to ensuremutual understanding and
strengthen your foundation of ahealthy relationship with
yourself and with others.
Here are examples of unspokenexpectations from the lens of
the five primary relationshipneeds.
(05:09):
If you want to learn more aboutthe five primary relationship
needs and identify your dominantrelationship need, I invite you
to take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
The first primary relationshipneed is love and belonging.
(05:32):
The examples are expecting yourpartner to understand your need
for reassurance and emotionalsupport without explicitly
asking for it.
Assuming that your partnershould instinctively know how to
make you feel loved andappreciated and how to support
you.
And expecting your partner tounderstand your need for
(05:56):
intimacy and closeness withoutexpressing it or defining
specifically what that lookslike for you.
The second primary relationshipneed is freedom.
Here are the examplesassociated with that
(06:17):
relationship need Believing thatyour partner should give you
personal space and time foryourself without you having to
request it.
Expecting your partner tosupport your individual pursuits
and hobbies without discussingthem first or addressing any
financial aspects of supportingyour hobby.
Presuming your partner willrespect your independence and
(06:39):
personal space withoutexplicitly stating this
expectation.
(06:59):
Now let's talk about the primaryrelationship need of fun and
the examples of unspoken needsassociated with that, with fun
Associated with fun.
Assuming your partner will planenjoyable activities or
surprise you with funexperiences regularly, even for
(07:22):
special occasions like birthdaysor anniversaries.
Expecting shared humor andlightheartedness to naturally
occur without communicating whatmakes you and your partner or
others laugh.
Seeking shared enjoyment andexcitement in activities without
openly communicating yourpreferences or desires.
Assuming your partner willinherently know how to bring joy
(07:45):
and lightheartedness into therelationship without discussing
what brings fun to each of youindividually.
For the primary relationshipneed of safety and survival,
assuming your partner willalways protect you emotionally
and physically, withoutdiscussing these needs and
(08:07):
specifically what you need.
Expecting financial orpractical support during times
of crisis without discussing thespecifics of these needs and
making agreements.
The fifth primary relationshipneed is power, and here are the
examples Believing that yourpartner should automatically
(08:30):
respect your opinions anddecisions in the relationship.
Assuming that your partnerunderstands your desire for
influence or control in certainaspects of the relationship
without openly discussing it.
Believing your partner willconsistently acknowledge your
efforts and contributionswithout communication or
(08:52):
anticipating mutual support forpersonal development and shared
goals without havingconversations about them or
celebrating the success of them.
To learn which of the fiveprimary relationship needs is
your dominant, take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
(09:14):
Let's now talk about healthyrelationship expectations and
setting realistic boundaries.
Healthy relationshipexpectations are based on
(09:38):
respect, understanding,communication, trust and support
for one another.
Instead of striving forperfection or unrealistic ideals
, these expectations focus onwhat each of you realistically
(10:00):
needs the values you, each ofeach other.
Fulfilling your expectations,by the way, is not your
partner's or anyone else'saccountability.
It is, first and foremost, youraccountability.
(10:37):
Your partner or others cancontribute to the fulfillment.
However, it is healthy toidentify and communicate the
areas in which you are takingresponsibility and which areas
you want their support or theirownership.
You can then share which areasyou are seeking their help and
(10:58):
support and fulfilling, but youalso need to give them and be
open to them, saying they can'taccommodate it and not get your
feelings hurt.
After all, it is yourexpectation and your need, and
then dialogue about possibleways that they can support you
that may be indirectly tied tothis expectation you have.
(11:22):
It's quite possible that yourpartner and others are already
supporting you in many ways toforward your expectation or
fulfill it, but you may not beaware or connect the actions
that they're taking with thisexpectation.
(11:45):
Boundaries and expectations inrelationships really go hand in
hand.
Boundaries and expectations inrelationships really go hand in
hand.
Clear boundaries will protectyour emotional and mental
well-being and defines what isacceptable behavior from
yourself and your partner andothers.
Setting these boundaries foryourself and then communicating
(12:06):
them and obtaining agreement tohonor them will prevent
misunderstandings and resentmentcaused by cross-lines or unmet
needs.
Here's a list of basicrelationship needs that often
(12:27):
serve as examples of healthy andrealistic expectations, when
communicated and agreed to, formutual alignment.
Emotional safety it's aboutfeeling heard, valued and
(13:00):
supported without fear ofjudgment.
Trust and honesty.
Open communication withoutdeception or secrecy.
Respect for individuality,honoring personal space,
interests and decisions.
Mutual effort both partners orall parties are contributing to
(13:25):
the relationship's growth in areciprocal manner.
Affection and intimacy.
Physical and emotionalcloseness expressed in ways
meaningful to both of you andeach other.
Meaningful to each other.
Meaningful to each other.
Shared responsibilities, a fairdivision of household tasks,
(13:50):
finances or caregiving rolesbased on each other's strengths,
not weaknesses.
Conflict resolution, theability to discuss disagreements
calmly and seek compromise.
Fidelity, commitment tomonogamy or other agreed-upon
(14:11):
boundaries regarding outsiderelationships.
Quality time and attention.
Making an effort to prioritizetime together and actively
listen to each other withoutdistractions.
Support other withoutdistractions.
Support, offering encouragement, empathy and assistance daily,
(14:34):
not just during challengingtimes.
Flexibility, a willingness togrow, adapt and compromise as
circumstances change.
While these are commonexpectations, it's important to
remember that every relationshipis unique.
Each person in the relationshipis also unique.
(14:56):
Open communication, makinghealthy self-choices and
creating mutual understandingwill help you navigate through
the process of settingboundaries and determining
realistic expectations that workfor both partners, that work
(15:18):
for everyone.
It's important to haveconversations about boundaries
instead of you just setting themand then demanding them, and
then understanding this balancebetween needs and boundaries
will create space for compassionrather than control.
(15:40):
Clear boundaries paired withhonest conversation will allow
each of you to express yourunique expectations.
Each of you to express yourunique expectations in marriage
or any committed partnership,with friendships or even with
(16:03):
family or in the workplace, withgreater clarity and kindness.
Here are some examples ofhealthy relationship
expectations to model yourselfand to have in your
relationships, and this again isfrom the lens of the five
primary relationship needs.
(16:24):
It's also important tocommunicate these expectations
and recognize and appreciatethem when they happen.
Verbally Love and belonging.
Expecting regular expressionsof affection, appreciation and
(16:45):
support.
Anticipating emotionalavailability and attentive
listening from your partner.
Valuing shared rituals likedate nights or daily check-ins
that nurture connection.
From the perspective of freedom, expecting mutual respect for
personal space, hobbies andfriendships outside of the
(17:06):
relationship.
Supporting each other'sindividuality and allowing
autonomy in decision-making andagreeing to communicate openly
about boundaries and changes inneeds over time.
The primary relationship needof fun consists of prioritizing
(17:27):
shared enjoyment throughactivities, laughter or playful
moments together.
Being open to trying newexperiences as a couple,
encouraging each other to pursuejoy both together and
individually.
From the perspective of safetyand survival, expecting honesty,
reliability and a commitment tophysical and emotional safety.
(17:49):
Expecting honesty, reliabilityand a commitment to physical and
emotional safety.
Sharing responsibility forfinancial planning and practical
life management.
Creating a home environmentwhere both partners feel secure.
Expressing vulnerabilities.
Lastly, from the perspective ofpower, valuing each other's
opinions in major decisions oreven small decisions affecting
(18:11):
the relationship and, by the way, most opinions and decisions
affect the relationship directlyor indirectly Expecting
respectful negotiation duringdisagreements rather than
dominance or manipulation.
Supporting each other's goals,ambitions and sense of personal
(18:31):
achievement, these healthyexpectations create open
communication, respect forboundaries and mutual growth.
They help relationships thrivewhile honoring each other's core
needs.
Relationships thrive whilehonoring each other's core needs
(18:54):
.
Let's now talk aboutcommunicating expectations
effectively.
In any relationship, it iscrucial to have open and honest
conversations about eachperson's needs and desires and
feelings.
It is also important to do itonce you have mental and
emotional clarity yourself,instead of in the middle of an
(19:16):
emotional moment.
This kind of dialogue helps toensure that both of you are on
the same page and can worktogether towards a fulfilling
relationship.
Open dialogue allows bothpartners to express their
thoughts and feelings freely.
(19:36):
It creates a safe place andspace where individuals can
share their hopes, dreams,feelings and expectations
without fear of judgment orrejection.
Without fear of judgment orrejection.
By actively and reflectivelylistening to each other and
validating one another'sexperiences, couples can build a
stronger emotional connection.
(19:59):
Strategies for identifyinghidden assumptions.
Sometimes you may have certainassumptions about your partner's
thoughts or actions that gounspoken.
These assumptions can oftenlead to misunderstandings and
conflicts if not discussed oraddressed.
Here are some strategies foridentifying and expressing
(20:21):
hidden assumptions in anempathetic way.
Reflect on your own beliefs.
Take some time to think aboutwhat beliefs, values, ideals or
expectations you may have aboutyour partner or the relationship
.
Are there any assumptions thatyou have not communicated?
(20:45):
Number two ask your partneropen-ended questions to gain a
better understanding of theirperspective.
For example, instead of sayingyou always want to spend time
with your friends, try askinghow do you feel about balancing
time between our relationshipand your friendships, and what
(21:09):
are some ways that I canparticipate with you?
Practice active and reflectivelistening.
When your partner shares theirthoughts or feelings, make an
effort to truly listen, be quietand understand their point of
view.
Avoid interrupting, defendingor jumping to conclusions before
(21:32):
they finish speaking.
Ask them is there more?
Is there anything else?
Then ask may I share?
Once you get the go-ahead, thenshare what you heard and ask
them if you got that right.
(21:54):
It's natural for individuals ina relationship to have different
hopes and desires, butsometimes these hopes may be
unrealistic or unreasonable, oreven unattainable, and
oftentimes they need to bebroken down into much, much
smaller goals in order to attainthem.
(22:15):
In such cases, it's importantto negotiate and find common
ground.
Here are some basic negotiationtechniques that can help
Identify the specific areaswhere you disagree, pinpoint the
specific expectations ordesires that are causing tension
(22:36):
in the relationship, and thendetermine if they are truly from
this relationship or is thissomething you've experienced in
a past relationship that is nowgetting triggered in this
relationship?
Be willing to compromise.
Understand that not everyexpectation can be fully met by
others.
Be open to finding middleground where both of you and
(23:00):
your needs are partiallyfulfilled by each other or by
yourselves.
Set realistic goals togetherInstead of focusing on
individual hopes.
Work together as a team to setrealistic goals for the
relationship.
By effectively communicatingexpectations in relationships
through open dialogue, empathyand negotiation techniques,
(23:24):
individuals and couples cancreate a healthier dynamic where
everyone feels heard and valued.
If you do try and communicateand it ends up in disagreement
and argument or defensiveness,please seek professional support
(23:45):
from a relationshipcommunication coach like myself,
who can facilitate opencommunication and make it easier
for you to both move forwardwith clear direction and
agreements without creatingfurther damage or a lack of
emotional and mental well-being.
Managing relationshipexpectations offers a powerful
(24:11):
opportunity to transformpotential conflicts into
meaningful growth.
When you shift your mindsetfrom what's lacking to how can
you each enrich each other'slives, expectations then become
tools that deepen yourrelationship rather than damage
it.
Consider these practical steps.
(24:33):
Exceed positive expectations.
Small acts of kindness orthoughtful gestures that go
beyond the usual can surpriseand delight your partner.
A simple note, an unexpectedcompliment or taking on a task
without being asked communicatescare and attentiveness.
(24:54):
Celebrate progress.
Recognize when efforts are made, even if they don't fully meet
every expectation.
Appreciation fuels motivationand fosters a nurturing
environment where both partnersfeel valued.
Also, instead of saying goodjob, acknowledge the specific
(25:17):
actions or qualities that youappreciate.
For example, say something likeI really admire how you took
the time to listen to me andunderstand my perspective during
our discussion.
It made me feel heard andvalued.
Embrace flexibility.
Recognize that expectations canevolve over time as individuals
(25:41):
and circumstances change.
Life changes and so do people.
Be open to regularly revisitand adjust your expectations
together and allow room forgrowth and new circumstances.
Prioritize open dialogueRegularly check in with each
(26:02):
other to discuss expectations,needs and desires in a calm and
non-judgmental manner.
Encourage active and reflectivelistening, and be willing to
find compromises that work forboth of you.
Unfortunately, individuals andpartners go into an expectation
(26:22):
conversation, expecting to getthings to go their way or make
things happen in the way theysee it, and what happens as a
result of that is sometimes youwill get your way, but over time
it will damage the relationshipand the other partner will
become bitter because they'renot being heard and compromise
(26:47):
isn't present.
Ultimately, what happens isthat that will lead to burnout,
because you're always gettingyour way and your partner is not
.
Compromise and negotiation isactually a beautiful way to
potentially create somethingeven better than what you
envisioned, and you may not beable to see it until you
(27:07):
compromise and the thing thatyou're expecting happens.
So I really invite you to beopen to learning compromise and
learning how to win togetherinstead of one person winning
and the other losing.
And that's another area ofmastery that I have where I can
(27:27):
facilitate those dialogues withyou to where you both feel like
you're winning.
Dialogues with you to where youboth feel like you're winning.
Managing expectations is anongoing process.
It's not just a one and donething that requires effort from
both partners or all parties.
By approaching it with patience, empathy and a commitment to
(27:49):
each other's growth, you cancreate a relationship that
thrives on mutual understandingand fulfillment, a relationship
that works for both of you.
But sometimes, despite yourbest efforts, communication
barriers do exist.
Seeking professional support,such as couples coaching for
(28:10):
communication barriers, canprovide a safe space to explore
unmet needs with guidance.
Coaches offer practical andrelatable tools to navigate
emotional roadblocks, to helpyou rebuild trust and
understanding.
Coaching is about movingforward and not living in the
(28:32):
past, and that's why couplestend to benefit more from
coaching and are more open toattending coaching sessions.
Managing expectations is lessabout perfection and more about
creating shared meaning,building bridges with empathy
(28:52):
and intention that sustainjoyful, healthy relationships.
Now for one of the mostimportant part of managing
expectations Be the exemplarymodel of your expectations.
In relationships, expectationsactually shape your behaviors,
(29:14):
communication and emotions.
While it's common to havecertain standards or desires
from a partner or others, one ofthe most powerful and
transformative approaches is tobecome the example, the
exemplary model of your ownexpectations.
(29:35):
This means embodying thequalities, attitudes, behaviors
and actions you wish to see inyour partner or relationships.
So what does it mean to be theexemplary model?
Being the exemplary model ofyour expectations involves
consistently practicing thebehaviors and values you hope
(29:58):
and want to receive or expect toreceive from others.
Instead of simply hoping ordemanding that your partner
meets your needs whether it'shonesty, kindness, attentiveness
or open communication youactively demonstrate those
qualities yourself.
You set a living example foryour partner and create a
(30:18):
relationship environment builton mutual respect and
understanding.
Here are the benefits ofmodeling your expectations it
encourages reciprocity.
When you model positivebehaviors, others and your
partner, they're more likely toreflect them back over a certain
(30:39):
time of consistently modelingthose behaviors.
Demonstrating patience, empathyor gratitude encourages your
partner to respond similarly,naturally creating a more
harmonious dynamic between you.
Naturally, creating a moreharmonious dynamic between you.
Being the example builds trustand authenticity.
Consistently living out yourvalues cultivates trust.
(31:02):
Your partner will see you asreliable and sincere, not just
someone with demands, butsomeone invested in self and
shared growth.
Reduces resentment.
Instead of focusing on unmetexpectations or harboring
frustration over what's lacking,you take proactive steps to
nurture your relationship.
(31:23):
This shift minimizes resentmentand helps maintain emotional
balance, inspires mutual growth.
By holding yourself accountablefor the standards you wish to
uphold together, you inspireboth partners to grow.
This approach invites opendialogue about needs and
boundaries, without blame.
(31:44):
Being the example breaks thecycle of unrealistic demands.
When you translate your desiresinto actions rather than silent
assumptions, you clarify whatmatters most, while making space
for imperfection in bothyourself and your partner.
Here are some practicalexamples If you value open
(32:10):
communication, initiate honestconversation and express your
deep thoughts and feelingsopenly, calmly and clearly.
If loyalty matters, showunwavering support through your
actions such as standing up foryour partner in challenging
situations or prioritizing theirneeds and well-being at times.
(32:38):
If growth is a goal, encourageeach other.
If growth is a shared goal,encourage each other's personal
development by providing input,offering resources or providing
or participating in activitiesthat create learning and growth.
If kindness is important,respond with compassion, even
(33:00):
during disagreements.
If quality time together is aneed, prioritize shared
activities without waiting foryour partner to make the first
move.
If chore sharing matters,divide household tasks fairly,
based on each other's strengthsand preferences, without keeping
score or expecting perfection.
(33:23):
Communicate openly about whatneeds to be done and work
together to maintain a balancedand harmonious living
environment.
Harmonious living environment.
Allow others to do things theirway, without expecting them to
do it your way or worse, goingbehind them and redoing it your
(33:43):
way.
Embodying these values yourselfis just as essential as
expecting them from your partner.
This is walking your talk andputs a tremendous amount of
weight in your approach togetting your expectations met,
after communicating them, andgaining agreement after some
compromise.
A healthy, happy and harmoniousrelationship is a continuous
(34:06):
work in progress requiringeffort and commitment from all
parties effort and commitmentfrom all parties.
By actively living out your ownexpectations, you create an
environment conducive to growth,understanding and happiness for
both you and your partner.
Being the exemplary model ofyour expectations transforms
(34:26):
relationships from arenas ofsilent demands and
disappointment into spaces forconnection, learning and mutual
fulfillment.
By demonstrating what youdesire through consistent action
, you create an environmentwhere healthy expectations are
communicated openly and are farmore likely to be met,
(34:50):
strengthening trust anddeepening intimacy along the way
to be met.
Strengthening trust anddeepening intimacy along the way
, learning compromise andnegotiation and how to
communicate in a compassionateway during disagreements or when
you feel your emotion andsurfacing is a skill that can be
learned, and I am happy topartner with you and support you
(35:11):
with learning that this willstrengthen your trust and deepen
intimacy in your relationshipsalong the way.
Now here's my invitation for youTo better understand your needs
and those of your partner,family members, friends or
coworkers.
Take the Primary RelationshipNeeds Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
(35:34):
.
The quiz will provide youvaluable insights into your
primary relationship need andwill help you identify areas for
growth and improvement in yourinteractions with others.
By gaining a deeperunderstanding of your own needs
and those of others, you cancreate a more harmonious and
fulfilling connection in allareas of your own needs and
those of others.
You can create a moreharmonious and fulfilling
(35:55):
connection in all areas of yourlife.
So why not take the first steptowards building healthier
relationships by taking the quiztoday?
Visit needsdardhawkscom.
Also, if you have unmetexpectations in a current or
(36:15):
past experience or pastrelationship whether it's a
partner, boyfriend, parent,friend, co-worker or manager or
you want support with yourexpectations being met, schedule
a coaching session with metoday at bookingsdrdarhawkscom.
(36:38):
Sessions are only $150 persession.
However, if you join mycommunity by taking the primary
relationship needs quiz andparticipate in my monthly events
, which are at no additionalcost to you, each session is $99
(37:02):
.
I hope that that makes bookinga session an easier choice for
you to make.
Thank you for your listeningand for your time, and I look
forward to meeting you in thequiz, in a coaching session or
in the next podcast.
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