July 31, 2025 • 59 mins
I would love to hear from you. What did you think about this episode? Do you have any questions?
What exactly constitutes cheating in a relationship? The answer varies dramatically from couple to couple, which is precisely why establishing a clear "cheating policy" is essential for healthy partnerships. Trust forms the foundation of our relationships, yet many couples avoid having crucial conversations about boundaries and expectations until after damage has already occurred.
In this deeply personal exploration of relationship betrayal, we uncover over fifteen different forms of cheating that extend far beyond physical infidelity. From emotional connections and digital interactions to financial dishonesty and quality time violations, understanding these variations helps partners align on what constitutes betrayal in their unique relationship. Most couples assume they share the same definition of cheating without ever discussing it—a dangerous assumption that often leads to unintentional boundary violations.
The motivation behind infidelity typically stems from deficiencies in five primary relationship needs: love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival, and power. When these fundamental needs go unmet, partners may subconsciously seek fulfillment outside their relationship. By identifying which needs might be lacking, couples can proactively address potential vulnerabilities before betrayal occurs.
Creating an effective cheating policy requires honest, judgment-free communication about expectations and boundaries. This isn't about restricting freedom but rather fostering transparency and mutual understanding. A comprehensive policy should include clear definitions, communication guidelines, consequences for both honoring and breaching agreements, and scheduled reviews to adapt as the relationship evolves.
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is challenging but possible with consistent effort and often pr
Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou
Did you know? Taking the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz doesn’t just give you insight—it also grants you free access to Dr. Dar’s Relationship Education Video Series and the Better Relationships Community. Inside, you’ll find monthly live events, grounded relationship guidance, and exclusive coaching rates—everything designed to help you feel supported and empowered in your relationships. Visit needs.drdarhawks.com to join our community today!
Thanks for listening today! If something in this episode spoke to you, Dr. Dar would love to connect. You can book a consultation here or take the free quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com if you haven't done so yet. This podcast is for coaching support and education only.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, Relationship Need @ https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, communication, and your relationship interactions.
Book a coaching session: https://huddle.drdarhawks.com
Follow me:
LinkedIn https://linkedin.com/in/drdarhawks
Facebook: https://facebook.com/darshanahawks
Instagram https://instagram.com/dr.dar.hawks
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Episode 62 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
Today I'm talking about how torebuild trust after betrayal or
being cheated on or lies, andthe importance of cheating
policies in healthyrelationships.
A cheating policy inrelationships refers to an
(00:24):
agreement and understandingbetween partners regarding what
constitutes cheating and theboundaries that should not be
crossed.
It includes the consequencesfor fulfilling or breaking the
agreement.
This written agreement plays animportant role in maintaining
(00:44):
trust and preventing betrayal,not just in romantic, committed
relationships, but can alsoguide our friendships,
relationships with family andwith ourselves, as it sets clear
expectations for allindividuals involved.
Cheating, betrayal andunfaithfulness undermines the
(01:05):
foundation of trust and haslasting effects on the emotional
and mental well-being of bothpartners involved.
The ability to trust yourselfand others when you have
experienced betrayal does becomevery difficult in relationships
going forward.
It takes time, consistency,commitment and self-monitoring
(01:33):
and management to build trust,but only one action to destroy
it.
Rebuilding trust after betrayalnever gets completely fulfilled
because there always seems tobe a seed of doubt or
questioning whether fidelitylingers.
Cheating means that you areconsciously breaking the trust
and agreement in yourrelationship if there is an
(01:56):
understanding or expectation forbeing faithful or honoring
agreements and boundaries inyour relationship.
Here are some impacts ofviolating an agreement in a
relationship it erodes trust,destroys respect, causes
emotional and mental distress,results in long-term damage to
(02:16):
each partner and therelationship and ripples outward
to other relationships.
It shatters the sense ofsecurity, safety and intimacy
that partners have built, whichlead to feelings of betrayal and
hurt.
It makes rebuilding trustextremely difficult and carries
(02:37):
forward issues with trustingothers into other relationships.
I want to make a side note here.
Oftentimes the person doing thelying or betraying or cheating
can tend to say that theirpartner is the one that has to
work on their trust issues, whenthe reality is that the person
(02:59):
who committed the betrayal actsare the ones that have to show
up and are accountable forrebuilding that trust.
They have to change theirbehaviors.
They have to show consistentactions to demonstrate that they
have changed and that they'recommitted to their relationship
and their partner.
Of course, their partner reallyneeds to work on not being
(03:23):
defensive or attacking or beingargumentative or blaming and
shaming, and give their partnerspace to show up and prove
themselves.
Children are also significantlyimpacted by cheating and
betrayal within a relationship.
Witnessing the breakdown oftrust between their parents
(03:44):
leads to extreme emotionaldistress, confusion and feelings
of insecurity.
It affects their sense ofsafety, stability, self-esteem
and influences their futurerelationships and trust in
others.
And yet couples fail to talkopenly about their expectations
(04:04):
regarding infidelity well beforethey get into a committed
relationship with each other.
They don't discuss whatcheating actually means to them,
how it shows up and whatbehaviors they consider to be
cheating.
They may very well havedifferent views on what cheating
is and is not.
They also don't share theirpast experiences of feeling
(04:25):
betrayed or cheated on to betterunderstand what is acceptable
and not acceptable.
In their current relationship,they assume or expect fidelity,
loyalty and faithfulness existswithout talking about it or
making agreements, only to bedisappointed later on.
They also falsely think thatthey should not have to have
(04:51):
this conversation, nor shouldthey have to make agreements,
especially if you love eachother.
This lack of communication andunderstanding about infidelity
leaves ample room formisunderstandings, arguments,
disagreements and potentialbreaches of trust in the
relationship.
Having a mutually agreed uponpolicy in place with each other
(05:13):
provides a platform for couplesto have these important
conversations and makeagreements to ensure that both
partners are on the same pagewhen it comes to fidelity.
This conversation does not haveto be difficult or create
conflict.
It's just an honest, open,curious conversation about each
other's thoughts, about what youthink cheating is and is not,
(05:37):
and then finding ways to findcommon ground and make an
agreement with each other thatyou honor and respect and don't
violate.
Now let me talk about thevarious forms cheating can take.
Emotional cheating this involvesdeveloping a deep emotional
connection with someone otherthan your partner.
It can include sharing intimatethoughts and feelings, seeking
(05:59):
emotional support or validationfrom that person and
prioritizing their needs anddesires over your partners.
Though there may not be anyphysical involvement, emotional
affairs can be just as damagingto a relationship as they erode
trust and create a sense ofemotional distance between
partners.
This type of cheating can bejust as harmful as physical
(06:21):
infidelity, because itundermines the emotional
intimacy between partners andcan lead to the erosion of trust
and commitment.
One more note about emotionalcheating it's also very damaging
if the emotional connection isonly occurring with the other
person, but not also with thepartner.
So it's important to discusswhether you're okay with your
(06:46):
partner having an emotionalconnection with another human
being, whether it's a person ofthe same sex or not, and whether
you're fulfilled with theemotional connection that you
have with your partner.
These issues can be reallycomplex and there are a lot of
underlying past experience andpast relationship things that
come to play.
Physical cheating refers toengaging in intimate sexual
(07:09):
activities with someone otherthan your partner.
This form of infidelity isoften seen as the most severe
breach of trust and can havedevastating consequences for the
relationship, but also ripplesout to other relationships in
the couple's life.
It not only violates thecommitment and exclusivity that
partners may have agreed upon,but it also puts both partners
(07:32):
at risk of sexually transmittedinfections or even unwanted
pregnancies.
Even a one-time physicalencounter can shatter the
foundation of trust in arelationship and lead to
feelings of betrayal, profoundanger and hurt.
Digital cheating.
This entails using technologyplatforms such as social media
(07:53):
or dating apps to engage insecretive conversations or
interactions with others,betraying the trust and a step
that then betrays the trustestablished in the relationship.
This can include sendingexplicit messages or photos,
engaging in virtual sexualactivities or forming emotional
connections with someone outsidethe relationship.
(08:16):
While some may argue thatdigital cheating is less harmful
than physical infidelity, itcan still cause distress and
damage to the relationship thatis significant.
The secrecy and deceptioninvolved leads to feelings of
betrayal and, again, a breakdownof trust between partners.
It is important for couples toestablish clear boundaries and
(08:38):
open communication regarding theuse of technology to prevent
digital cheating from occurring,and usually sharing each
other's passwords and allowingaccess to digital devices tends
to resolve this issue.
A resistance to doing it willrequire mitigation, assistance
(09:01):
from a third party to help yousolve, as a couple, gaming
cheating In the context ofrelationships.
Gaming cheating refers toengaging in dishonest practices
while playing online games thatinvolve interactions with other
players.
This can include using cheatcodes or hacks to gain an unfair
(09:22):
advantage, colluding with otherplayers to manipulate game
outcomes or forming emotionalconnections with other gamers.
While this form of cheating mayseem less severe compared to
physical or digital infidelity,it still undermines the
(09:42):
principles of fairness and trustin the relationship.
It is crucial for partners toestablish boundaries regarding
gaming behaviors and address anyconcerns or breaches of trust
promptly.
Work spouse cheating thisinvolves forming a close, often
inappropriate relationship witha colleague that goes beyond
(10:05):
professional boundaries,blurring the lines between work
and personal life.
This type of cheating can leadto emotional and physical
infidelity and breach the trustwithin the partnership.
It is important for couples torecognize the signs of work
spouse cheating, such asexcessive secrecy or emotional
distance and address theseissues openly and honestly.
(10:27):
By establishing clearboundaries, maintaining open
communication and addressing anybreaches of trust promptly,
couples can work towardsrebuilding a strong foundation
of trust and fidelity in theirrelationship.
Mentalism refers to havingintimate thoughts or fantasies
about someone other than yourpartner, which can create
(10:50):
emotional distance anddissatisfaction within the
relationship.
By acknowledging and discussingany signs of mental cheating,
such as emotional distance orintimate thoughts about others,
couples can confront theseissues openly.
Also, creating a space wherepartners can share openly around
(11:10):
what they're thinking, how theyfind a certain person
attractive and why, reallycreates an open communication
and a safe place to share,without jealousy or without
trying to control each other'smental and thought processes.
It creates a deeper connectionwhere you both can just share
(11:32):
openly with each other in ahealthy way, without making each
other wrong.
By acknowledging and discussingany signs of mental cheating,
such as emotional distance orintimate thoughts about others,
couples can confront theseissues openly.
Dishonesty and communicationare essential in maintaining
(11:55):
trust and closeness in arelationship that lasts for the
life of the relationship.
Financial cheating this refersto dishonesty or secrecy, sense
of betrayal within therelationship when one partner
(12:28):
hides financial information,makes significant financial
decisions without consultingtheir significant other or
engages in deceitful financialpractices, it creates a
breakdown in trust, powerimbalances and resentment.
I also want to talk aboutfinancial control, which is also
a form of cheating.
This refers to exerting controlover your partner's finances,
(12:52):
limiting their access to moneyor making them financially
dependent on you.
This type of cheating can be aform of abuse and can lead to
power imbalances and feelings ofhelplessness in the
relationship.
When one partner hidesfinancial information, makes
significant financial decisionswithout consulting their
(13:13):
significant other or engages indeceitful financial practices,
this erodes trust, creates powerimbalances and resentment, and
is unhealthy for both partners.
This type of cheating can alsobe a form of abuse and leads to
feelings of helplessness in therelationship.
(13:34):
Spiritual cheating refers toseeking emotional connection or
fulfillment outside of therelationship through religious
or spiritual activities withsomeone else.
This can involve sharing deeplypersonal thoughts and
experiences, which can underminethe emotional intimacy and
trust between partners.
This breach of emotionalboundaries can erode the
(14:04):
foundation of trust andcloseness within the
relationship.
Porn cheating this involvesengaging in secret or excessive
consumption of pornographywithout the knowledge or
agreement of one's partner andoften replaces intimate time
with one's partner.
This behavior again leads tofeelings of betrayal, insecurity
and a lack of intimacy in therelationship.
(14:24):
This behavior can createdistance between partners,
impact their emotionalconnection and break breakdowns
in trust and intimacy.
Porn cheating can also resultin feelings of betrayal,
insecurity, a lack ofself-esteem and self-worth and a
sense of disconnect within therelationship.
(14:46):
Emotional withdrawal cheatingrefers to emotionally
disconnecting from your partnerby withholding affection,
communication or support.
This can create a sense ofloneliness and emotional neglect
, damaging the bond andcloseness between partners.
Emotional neglect damaging thebond and closeness between
(15:08):
partners.
This form of cheating alsoleads to resentment, frustration
and loneliness for the partnerwho is being emotionally
withdrawn from.
Over time, this can causeirreparable damage to the
relationship and creates a deepsense of emotional disconnection
.
Neglect cheating this involvesprioritizing other aspects of
life, such as work, hobbies orfriends, over the needs and
(15:33):
well-being of your partner.
Neglecting the relationshipleads to feelings of resentment,
loneliness and a lack ofsatisfaction for both partners.
This behavior creates growingemotional distance and further
damages the connection betweenpartners.
Quality time cheating refers tospending excessive time away
(15:56):
from your partner or withsomeone other than your partner,
whether it be a friend,co-worker or acquaintance.
This can create emotionalconnections and intimacy outside
of the relationship,potentially leading to
infidelity.
Consistently, prioritizingother commitments or activities
over spending quality time withyour partner can lead to
(16:17):
feelings of neglect andresentment, as well as a
weakening of the emotional bondin your relationship.
Hobby or activity cheatinginvolves engaging in a hobby,
activity or interest thatbecomes all-consuming, leaving
little to no time or energy foryour partner.
When one partner becomesconsumed by a hobby or activity
(16:38):
that requires a significantinvestment of time, money or
being with others, it can leadto feelings of neglect and
isolation in the relationshipthat erodes the bond that you
share.
Intimacy cheating involvesseeking emotional or physical
intimacy outside of therelationship through flirtation,
(16:58):
emotional affairs or evenengaging in physical infidelity.
This breach of trust can bedeeply hurtful and damaging to
the relationship.
Communication cheating involvessharing intimate details or
discussing relationship issueswith someone other than your
partner.
This breach of trust can leadto emotional distance and
(17:21):
undermine the foundation of openand honest communication within
your relationship.
Physical neglect cheating thisrefers to neglecting physical
connection and intimacy withyour partner, whether it be a
lack of sexual activity orphysical affection.
This can create feelings ofrejection, frustration and
dissatisfaction in therelationship.
(17:43):
Frustration and dissatisfactionin the relationship.
Family relationship cheatinginvolves prioritizing the
opinions and comfort of yourfamily over your partner's,
which leads to a lack of supportor understanding for your
partner, which then results infeeling isolated and resentment.
Secrets cheating involveskeeping significant information
(18:04):
or actions hidden from yourpartner, such as financial
decisions, personal habits oreven past relationships.
This lack of transparencyerodes trust and can lead to
feelings of betrayal andquestioning the authenticity of
the relationship.
Gaslighting cheating thisoccurs when one partner
(18:24):
manipulates the other'sperception of reality, making
them doubt their own thoughts,emotions and experiences.
This psychological form ofcheating undermines the other
partner or the victim'sconfidence and can lead to
emotional turmoil and a deepsense of confusion.
We've already touched on thisone, but it's worded slightly
differently and it's aboutvirtual cheating.
(18:47):
It involves engaging inromantic or sexual activities
with others through onlinedigital platforms such as social
media or dating apps.
While there may not be physicalcontact, this form of cheating
can still cause significant harmby breaching trust and creating
emotional connections outsidethe relationship.
This can also happen withgaming apps and platforms.
(19:10):
Sexting or texting cheatingthis involves sending explicit
messages, photos or videos tosomeone other than your partner.
This form of cheating can beparticularly damaging as it
combines elements of emotionaland virtual infidelity, blurring
the lines between physical anddigital boundaries.
(19:30):
Backstabbing cheating involvesbetraying your partner's trust
by sharing personal informationor private conversations with
others behind their back andwithout their permission.
Talking about your partner thisform of cheating can lead to
feelings of humiliation,isolation and a breakdown in
(19:51):
communication in therelationship.
Talking about your partnernegatively, cheating or even
sarcastically this occurs whenone partner speaks ill of their
significant other to friends andfamily or even strangers,
behind their back or right infront of them.
This behavior erodes trust,damages the partner's reputation
(20:13):
and creates a toxic environmentin the relationship.
It is unhealthy and it damagesyour partner's self-worth and
self-esteem your partner'sself-worth and self-esteem.
Career ambition cheatinginvolves prioritizing personal
career ambitions.
Involves prioritizing personalcareer ambitions over the
(20:33):
well-being of the relationship.
This can include neglectingquality time with your partner,
consistently putting work abovetheir needs or seeking emotional
support outside therelationship from colleagues or
mentors.
This form of cheating may notinvolve physical or virtual
infidelity, but it can stillhave devastating effects on the
emotional connection and overallsatisfaction within the
(20:56):
relationship.
Social cheating involves formingemotional connections or
seeking validation from othersoutside the relationship through
social media events oractivities.
This behavior can lead tofeelings of betrayal, insecurity
and a lack of intimacy betweenpartners, ultimately undermining
the foundation of trust andcommitment to the relationship.
(21:18):
Flirting cheating refers toengaging in playful or seductive
behavior with someone otherthan your partner, often without
any intention of taking itfurther.
While some may argue thatflirting is harmless, it can
still be considered a form ofcheating if it violates the
boundaries and expectations setwithin the relationship.
(21:39):
It can cause jealousy,insecurity and erode the
emotional connection betweenpartners.
Intellectual cheating thisoccurs when a person seeks
intellectual stimulation fromsomeone outside the relationship
, often through deepconversations, sharing intimate
thoughts or seeking advice.
While this may not involvephysical or romantic involvement
(22:03):
, it can still be considered abreach of trust if it leads to a
stronger connection withsomeone other than your partner.
Avoidance cheating involvesmentally, physically or
emotionally withdrawing fromyour partner, avoiding difficult
conversations or conflicts.
This can create a sense ofneglect and distance within the
(22:23):
relationship, leading tofeelings of resentment and
dissatisfaction.
Influence cheating Havingfriends, co-workers or family
members who are cheaters andspending time with them is also
a form of cheating, becauseyou're exposing yourself to
their values and their behaviorsand, over time, it very well
(22:44):
can influence you to do thingsthat violate any agreements or
boundaries and can violatefidelity in your relationship.
Each form of cheating carriesits own consequences.
Regardless of the type,cheating can have severe
consequences on a relationship,on each partner and pretty much
all your relationships andwell-being.
(23:06):
It's important to understandthat these types of cheating can
overlap and a partner mayengage in multiple forms at the
same time.
These forms of cheating are notall exhaustive or all-inclusive
.
There may be others and eachperson may have their own
definitions and boundaries intheir relationships.
(23:26):
For example, I worked with acouple when they would go out
for their date nights.
The husband would flirt withthe waitress and it really,
really bothered her.
So there's so many differentways this can show up in your
life and in your relationshipand it requires you getting
clear, like really doing a deepdive and unpacking what cheating
(23:49):
is for you, what you'll, whatis acceptable and what isn't,
and also what is excessive or inthe form of an ultimatum.
It's also important to work onyour own jealousy or insecurity
issues, such that your requestsor asks of your partner are
reasonable and practical and notextreme.
(24:11):
For example, an extreme requestwould be you can't have
conversations with anybody ofthe opposite sex ever unless I'm
there, if the partner works inan office space that's full of
men and women?
That's an impossible ask.
Just wanted to give you acouple of examples of that.
(24:31):
It's also important tounderstand and know that the
impact of cheating is notlimited to the couple alone.
It can also affect otheraspects of life, such as work
performance, social and familyrelationships, financial
situations, children and overallmental and emotional well-being
of everyone involved and aroundyou.
(24:53):
Let's now talk about themotivation to cheat.
The motivation to cheat isrooted in a deficiency with one
or more of the five primaryrelationship needs in your
relationship, and thisdeficiency isn't just about the
current relationship.
It's something to work onwithin yourself and to get a
(25:16):
healthy balance of these needs.
These five primary relationshipneeds consist of love and
belonging, freedom, fun, safetyand survival and power Power
from the perspective ofself-empowerment, not power and
domination over others.
When these needs are not met,you may seek fulfillment outside
(25:40):
the relationship, leading tothe various forms of cheating.
Here are some scenarios ofdeficiencies in the five primary
relationship needs that couldlead to cheating.
The five primary relationshipneeds do play a pivotal role in
maintaining harmony and trustbetween partners.
When these needs love andbelonging, freedom, fun, safety
(26:02):
and survival, and power are notadequately met, individuals
might seek fulfillment elsewhere, which can lead to infidelity.
Love and belonging ConsiderSarah and John, who have been
married for several years.
Over time, sarah has feltincreasingly neglected as John
dedicates more time to hiscareer.
(26:23):
The lack of emotional intimacyand affection leaves Sarah
feeling unloved and isolated.
She begins to confide in acolleague who provides the
emotional support she craves.
This emotional connectioneventually leads to an affair.
Sarah's need for love andbelonging was unmet in her
marriage, pushing her to seek itoutside the relationship.
(26:47):
Freedom Alex values personalspace and autonomy highly.
However, alex's partner, jamie,tends to be overly controlling
and restrictive about Alex'sactivities and friendships
Alex's activities andfriendships.
Feeling suffocated by Jamie'sconstant monitoring and lack of
(27:08):
trust, alex starts to seeksolace with friends who respect
his need for freedom.
This new social circleintroduces him to someone who
appreciates his need forindependence, leading to an
affair.
Alex's desire for freedom wasstifled within the relationship.
An affair Alex's desire forfreedom was stifled within the
relationship, prompting him toseek it elsewhere.
(27:29):
Fun Maria and Carlos used toenjoy spontaneous adventures
together, but now find theirlives consumed by routine and
responsibilities.
Maria starts feeling bored andunfulfilled without the fun
experiences that once energizedtheir relationship.
She meets someone through ahobby group who shares her zest
(27:50):
for life and adventure.
Their shared activities lead toan emotional connection that
turns into infidelity.
Maria's unmet need for fundrove her towards a relationship
that promised excitement,safety and survival.
(28:10):
Jake feels insecure due tofinancial instability in his
relationship with Emma.
Despite working hard, theystruggle to make ends meet,
causing constant stress and fearabout their future.
Jake meets someone at work whooffers financial stability and
security.
The promise of a safer futurebecomes irresistible, leading
Jake to engage in an affairdespite his deep love for Emma.
(28:34):
His unmet need for safety andsurvival pushed him towards
seeking a more secure situationoutside his primary relationship
Power.
Laura often feels powerless inher relationship with Mark, who
tends to dominate decisions anddiscussions about their lives
(28:55):
together.
Her opinions are frequentlydismissed or belittled, leaving
her feeling insignificant.
Laura reconnects with an oldfriend who values her opinion,
listens carefully and intently,and engages her in
decision-making processesactively.
This newfound sense ofempowerment leads Laura into an
(29:17):
emotional affair.
Her unmet need for power withinher marriage drove her towards
someone who respected herautonomy.
Power within her marriage droveher towards someone who
respected her autonomy.
In summary, when the primaryrelationship needs of love and
belonging, freedom, fun, safetyand survival and power are not
met within a relationship,individuals may be compelled to
(29:39):
look outside their partnershipfor fulfillment.
Addressing these deficienciesproactively can help prevent
infidelity by ensuring bothpartners' needs are recognized
and met within the relationshipitself.
By the way, these five primaryrelationship needs are at play
in all of our relationships andcan be deficient, causing us to
(30:05):
look for different friendshipsor getting needs met elsewhere
that aren't getting met, throughfamily members, for example.
To learn what your dominantprimary relationship need is, I
invite you to take my quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom, that's
needsd-r-d-a-r-h-a-w-k-scom.
(30:27):
Let's now talk about definingcheating in a relationship.
In a relationship, it iscrucial and essential for
couples to openly communicateand align on their views
regarding cheating.
The definition of cheating candiffer from one couple to
another, depending on theirpersonal values, their past
(30:51):
experiences and boundaries.
Therefore, discussing andsharing specific examples can
help both partners understandeach other's perspective better.
It is never too late or tooearly to have these
conversations.
Here are some of the effects ofcheating on relationships.
Cheating in any form can andwill severely damage your
(31:14):
relationship and, frankly, causedamage within yourself.
Trust is extremely fragile.
It needs continuous effort andcommitment to sustain, in
addition to consistency.
Once broken, rebuilding trustcan be quite challenging.
The guilt and shame thatpartners have to process as a
result of experiencing cheatingis immense.
(31:37):
It leads to feelings ofbetrayal, anger, a lack of
emotional well-being and asignificant loss of self-esteem.
The emotional toll can beoverwhelming and can take a long
time to heal, and may nevercompletely heal without
professional support.
The impact of cheating extendsbeyond the individuals involved.
(31:59):
It can have ripple effects ontheir families, friends, work
environment and even futurerelationships.
The scars left by infidelitycan create a lasting sense of
insecurity and doubt in futurepartnerships as well.
Now let's talk about preventingcheating in relationships.
Building a strong foundationbased on trust, open
(32:22):
communication and mutual respectis key in preventing cheating.
Regularly checking in with yourpartner, addressing any issues
or concerns promptly andcultivating an environment where
both partners feel safe toexpress their needs are crucial
steps towards maintaining ahealthy relationship.
(32:42):
If you would like a tool andworksheets for conducting and
how to organize and have acheck-in with your partner, take
a look at my relationshipcheck-in document pdf at
vitalitydrdarhawkscom.
That's vitality atdrdarhawkscom.
(33:06):
Here are 13 steps to preventcheating have conversations
about expectations aboutinfidelity, implement a cheating
policy that you both agree withand sign Check in with each
other regularly, at least everysix months, to review your
(33:26):
agreements with each other andhow well you've respected and
honored your agreements.
Set boundaries and betransparent about your
expectations.
Prioritize quality time andnurture emotional intimacy.
Really schedule quality timetogether and intimacy time on
(33:48):
your calendars, showing thatit's a priority.
Demonstrate appreciation andaffection towards your partner
daily.
Address any insecurities orunresolved issues within
yourself and in the relationshipimmediately and promptly.
Establish mutual goals and worktowards them as a team.
Seek professional relationshipcoaching or counseling to
(34:09):
address the underlying issues inyour relationship or within
yourself.
Be mindful of temptations andactively avoid situations that
tempt you or may compromise yourrelationship and trust.
Honor commitments and beaccountable for your own actions
.
Create a supportive network offriends and family who value
(34:31):
healthy relationships,continually reassess and adapt
to each other's evolving needsto continue building a strong,
emotionally connectedrelationship.
Human beings do not stay thesame for the duration of their
life.
We change.
We are dynamic creatures.
That's why it's reallyimportant to have regular
(34:53):
check-ins with your partner,because things aren't going to
be the same as the day that youfirst met or when you were in
that honeymoon phase.
While there is no full proofguarantee against cheating.
Committing to these practicescan significantly reduce the
likelihood of it occurring.
Cheating is a very complex issuethat has far-reaching
(35:16):
consequences.
It is essential for individualsin a relationship to prioritize
open and honest communication.
A relationship to prioritizeopen and honest communication,
establish clear boundaries andseek professional help to repair
any damage caused by cheatingor betrayal in the current
relationship or a past one.
Ideally, understanding thereasons behind the temptation to
(35:38):
cheat can help both you andyour partner deal with the
underlying problems and worktowards rebuilding a healthier
and more secure relationship.
Dealing with these issuesbefore any cheating actions or
decisions are made can greatlystrengthen the relationship's
foundation and stop any futurebreaches of trust.
(35:59):
By creating a supportive andopen environment, couples can
face challenges together, becomestronger and develop a more
resilient bond that can resisttemptation.
In tough times, when couplesoverlook small problems that
gradually grow into larger ones,the desire to cheat becomes
more attractive.
(36:19):
Instead of figuring out how totackle the problems in the
relationship or seekingprofessional guidance through
relationship coaching or therapy, it may seem easier to destroy
the relationship.
This would shift all theattention to the act of cheating
, creating yet another problemto fix or potentially ending the
(36:40):
relationship entirely.
Sometimes, cheating can be adeliberate way to sabotage and
end a relationship, but Iencourage you to choose a
different path.
Instead of resorting tobetrayal, strive for emotional
maturity, confront the issueswithin your relationship head-on
and seek professionalrelationship coaching as soon as
(37:02):
possible.
What is a cheating policy?
A cheating policy is a set ofrules created by partners to
define acceptable andunacceptable behavior in their
relationship.
It establishes boundaries tofoster trust, respect and
understanding with each otherwithin the relationship.
(37:23):
The purpose of this policy isto guide behavior, prevent
misunderstandings or conflictsrelated to infidelity and
support the emotional securityof both individuals.
This document is intended as aliving agreement open to
discussion and revision asneeded for the well-being of
both partners.
It emphasizes the importance ofhealthy, open communication and
(37:48):
mutual support in maintaining ahealthy relationship.
Establishing a cheating policyis not about limiting personal
freedom, but rather aboutpromoting honesty and creating a
strong foundation of trust inthe relationship.
In the unfortunate event ofinfidelity, a cheating policy
can serve as a reference pointfor establishing boundaries and
(38:12):
initiating the healing process.
It can outline the stepsrequired to rebuild trust and
provide guidelines foraddressing underlying issues
that led to the betrayal.
By having rules in place,couples can navigate through
difficult times with moreclarity and purpose.
While a cheating policy mayseem restrictive to some, it can
(38:33):
actually promote a healthierand more open relationship.
It encourages honestconversations, reinforces mutual
respect and fosters a sense ofsecurity within the partnership.
I now want to talk aboutvariations of cheating policies
based on different relationshiptypes.
(38:54):
The first one is monogamousrelationships, and this assumes
that both parties have agreed tobe exclusive with each other.
The cheating policy inmonogamous relationships
consists of exclusivity.
That is a central tenet of thecheating policy.
Partners will typicallyprioritize fidelity in romantic
(39:18):
and sexual interaction.
The role of consent consists ofclear communication and mutual
consent, which play vital rolesin defining and upholding
boundaries within monogamousrelationships.
The second one is polyamorousrelationships.
The cheating policy inpolyamorous relationships tends
(39:41):
to be more flexible, focusing onhonesty and consent rather than
strict exclusivity.
Now, in polyamorousrelationships, consent is is a
strong tenant.
Establishing and respectingboundaries through open
communication and mutualagreements are key aspects of
(40:03):
cheating policies in polyamorousdynamics.
The third type of relationshipis ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamousindividuals often have unique
agreements that prioritizerespect, transparency and
ongoing dialogue overtraditional notions of
infidelity.
They also have an agreementaround practicing safe sex.
(40:27):
Mutual consent and continuouscommunication are fundamental in
maintaining trust andnavigating potential breaches
within ethical, non-monogamousrelationships.
Now I want to give you someideas about the components of an
effective cheating policy.
Creating a cheating policy thatworks for both partners
(40:49):
requires honest and opendialogue.
Here are some key components toconsider when establishing a
cheating policy.
Both partners must engage inhonest and open discussions.
This means expressing yourthoughts, feelings and concerns
about infidelity without fear ofjudgment or retaliation.
(41:10):
By fostering an environment oftrust and understanding, you can
create a policy that reflectsboth partners' values and
boundaries.
Create a policy that reflectsboth partners' values and
boundaries.
Number two be transparent aboutyour interactions.
Transparency is essential whenit comes to maintaining trust in
a relationship.
Tell the truth.
It's easier to manage thedifficulty and conflict when
(41:33):
telling the truth than it is bybeing deceiving, believe it or
not.
As part of your cheating policy, make it a point to share
details about your interactionswith others, especially those
that could potentially raiseconcerns.
Be proactive in yourcommunication.
Take accountability.
This includes friendships,online connections or any social
(41:56):
activities that involveindividuals outside your
relationship.
By being upfront about theseinteractions, you can address
any insecurities or doubts wellbefore they escalate into bigger
issues.
Number three set mutual limitsand expectations.
Every couple has their ownunique definition of what
(42:16):
cheating is and is not.
To avoid misunderstandings orconflicts down the line, it's
important to have open, honestconversations about your
individual perspectives oninfidelity.
Together, you can set mutuallyagreed upon limits and
expectations around behaviorsthat you both consider as
(42:36):
crossing the line.
This could include emotionalaffairs, physical intimacy with
others or even certain onlineactivities that make one partner
uncomfortable.
By incorporating thesecomponents into your cheating
policy, you can establish aframework that promotes
communication, transparency andmutual consent within your
(42:58):
relationship.
Communication, transparency andmutual consent within your
relationship.
Remember that this policyshould be flexible and subject
to periodic reviews as bothpartners grow and evolve over
time.
Here are some challenges toconsider as you implement a
cheating policy.
When partners try to set up acheating policy, they often face
(43:20):
relationship challenges thatreveal deeper issues.
Each partner may have differentviews on what cheating means,
making it hard to agree on clear, reasonable and fair limits.
One person might see anemotional affair as serious
betrayal, while the otherconsiders it just a close
(43:41):
friendship.
This can lead to confusion andconflict.
Enforcing boundaries can alsobe difficult Sometimes.
Actions that don't directlyviolate any agreed-upon rule
still cause feelings of betrayalbecause of unspoken
expectations or emotionalsensitivities.
(44:03):
This emotional complexityrequires ongoing communication
and empathy.
As to what is a cheating policyon paper may not always reflect
the lived experience of bothpartners equally.
Here are some common challengescouples face when implementing
cheating policies Discrepanciesin understanding key terms like
(44:25):
cheating or emotional intimacy Ihighly recommend consulting the
dictionary and aligning on thedefinition of key terms.
Unintended emotional responsesdespite adherence to explicit
rules.
And difficulty balancingindividual needs with shared
agreements.
These challenges highlight whyrevisiting and refining the
(44:47):
cheating policy together isessential for harmony and trust.
Now let's briefly talk aboutwhat to include in a cheating
policy.
When creating a cheating policywith your partner, it's
essential to cover variousaspects to ensure clarity and
mutual understanding.
Let me touch on why it's calleda cheating policy and not a no
(45:09):
cheating policy.
The reason why it's called acheating policy is because
you're establishing rules andguidelines and boundaries and
definitions around what cheatingis and is not for you
individually and your partnerindividually and together as a
couple.
It's not a no cheating policybecause you wouldn't need to
(45:31):
have these definitions if youhad a no cheating policy.
Does that make sense?
There wouldn't need to be oneand that's why it's called a
cheating policy and agreement.
When creating a cheating policywith your partner, it's
essential to cover variousaspects to ensure clarity and
mutual understanding andagreement.
(45:51):
Here are some key components toconsider Explicit definitions
and examples.
Clearly define what actionsconstitute cheating for you in
your relationship.
Allow your partner to do thesame.
Hear each other out and findcommon ground so that you can
(46:11):
move to step two and definingthese actions.
Whether it's emotionalconnections, physical intimacy
outside the partnership orengaging in deceptive behaviors,
all of those should be includedin part of these discussions.
The second thing to include areboundaries and expectations.
Establish specific boundariesand expectations regarding
(46:34):
interactions with others,including friendships, online
communications, interactionswith others, including
friendships, onlinecommunications, and behaviors
that may raise concerns, andalso tie that back to your
explicit definitions andexamples.
Thirdly, have somecommunication guidelines.
Outline how each of you shouldcommunicate about potential
issues or concerns related tofidelity and cheating,
(46:57):
emphasizing open and honestdialogue without judgment.
You might want to even includescripts so that it doesn't
create a defensive reaction,worry, angst or anger because
you're using the script that youboth agreed to use.
Include a section onconsequences Dis discuss
(47:18):
potential consequences forbreaching the cheating policy,
but also include consequencesfor honoring and respecting the
agreement and cheating policy.
You could include things liketransparent discussions, seeking
coaching or therapy, orre-evaluation of your
relationship's future.
(47:39):
Also include an agreementaround regular review and
updates.
Agree to revisit, review andupdate the cheating policy
periodically to accommodatechanges in feelings, boundaries
or relationship dynamics andchanges in life.
Include how often you're goingto review it.
Include dates put the dates inyour calendar and don't
(48:03):
reschedule.
This is really important forthe health of your relationship.
By including these elements inyour cheating policy, you can
create a foundation for trust,transparency and mutual respect
in your relationship that buildsand gets stronger over time.
Now let's talk about when it'stime to seek professional help
for infidelity issues.
(48:24):
Sometimes dealing withinfidelity can be extremely
difficult, or even talking aboutimplementing a cheating policy
can be as well, so it isbeneficial to seek professional
help.
Here are some signs thatindicate it may be time to
consult a relationship coach.
Like myself, if you don'tcurrently have a cheating policy
(48:47):
and even talking about it withyour partner causes you angst or
concern, it's time to seekprofessional help.
Another one is if you haveongoing trust issues, if
breaches of trust have occurredin the relationship and they
continue to affect yourconnection with your partner,
it's helpful to seek guidancefrom a professional If there's a
(49:12):
lack of effective communicationwhen discussing infidelity or
its aftermath, and that leads toarguments or misunderstandings
instead of productiveconversations.
It's time to seek professionalhelp because they can provide
tools and techniques for bettercommunication.
If you are having difficultyrebuilding intimacy after an
affair, it's natural forpartners to struggle with
(49:36):
physical and emotional intimacy.
A relationship coach can assistyou in exploring these
challenges and help you findways to reconnect.
If you're feeling stuck orhopeless, if you feel like
you're going around in circleswithout making any progress on
healing or rebuilding yourrelationship, seek professional
(49:56):
support because it can offer younew perspectives and strategies
than your normal routine.
If either of you have beenthinking of cheating or have
been violating agreements witheach other, or you have thoughts
of cheating or seeking revenge,it's a clear sign that
professional intervention isnecessary to address the root
(50:17):
causes of these feelings andwork towards a healthier
relationship.
Dynamic Professional guidanceplays a crucial role in the
healing process after infidelity.
Here's how Effectivecommunication strategies
Professional relationshipcoaches are trained to help
couples communicate moreeffectively.
(50:38):
They can teach you techniques toexpress your feelings, needs
and concerns in a way thatpromotes understanding rather
than defensiveness.
Secondly, they can help yourebuild intimacy.
Infidelity often createsbarriers to physical and
emotional closeness betweenpartners.
A relationship couples coachcan help you explore the
(50:58):
underlying issues thatcontributed to the affair and
work on rebuilding trust andintimacy through specific
exercises or activitiesProcessing your emotions.
Both partners may experience arange of emotions following an
affair, such as anger, sadness,betrayal, guilt, shame,
embarrassment, etc.
(51:20):
Relationship coaching providesa safe space for you to process
these emotions without judgment,while also facilitating
discussions between partnersabout their respective feelings.
By the way, coaching is aprocess to move you forward, not
backward, in a healthy,supportive way.
It's not about looking atwhat's wrong with you or your
(51:43):
partner.
It's about looking at what'snot working, what has not been
working, and resolving that.
If you find yourself strugglingwith any of these issues after
experiencing infidelity,consider reaching out to me for
professional relationshipcoaching.
Book a consultation by going tobookingsdrdarhawkscom.
(52:08):
I want to give you an example ofa cheating policy now, just to
better understand how a cheatingpolicy can work in a
relationship, and that shows howthese guidelines can be applied
.
This example highlights theimportance of having clear
boundaries, open communicationand mutual respect in order to
maintain trust and loyaltybetween partners.
(52:28):
Key components of the cheatingpolicy Definition of cheating
Clearly define what actions orbehaviors constitute cheating
for you and your partner.
This could include emotionalconnections with others,
physical intimacy outside thepartnership or breaches of
agreed-upon boundaries.
Number two communicationguidelines have protocols for
(52:52):
discussing concerns or potentialboundary violations openly and
honestly.
Encourage both of you toexpress your feelings without
fear of judgment.
Include transparencyexpectations.
Emphasize the importance oftransparency in all interactions
.
Encourage sharing details aboutfriendships, social outings or
(53:15):
online communications that couldimpact the relationship.
Number four consequences andresolution.
Outline potential consequencesfor breaching the policy, while
also setting a framework forresolving conflicts
constructively.
Also include consequences forrespecting and honoring the
(53:36):
policy.
Focus on rebuilding trust andunderstanding motivations behind
any infractions and make acommitted effort to make changes
in your behaviors going forward.
Include regular review andadaptation.
Schedule periodic check-ins toreview the effectiveness of the
policy and make necessaryadjustments based on evolving
(54:01):
needs or circumstances.
Now I know I covered that twice.
There's a reason for it,because now we're going to move
into ensuring that you bothagree to the following
principles to maintain a healthyand faithful partnership
Communication we will openlydiscuss our needs, feelings and
concerns regarding fidelity,without fear of judgment or
(54:25):
reprisal.
If either partner feelsuncomfortable or unsure about
any interactions with others, wecommit to discussing it as soon
as possible.
Transparency about interactionswe will be honest about our
social circles, friendships andany interactions that may impact
our relationship.
(54:45):
We both will share detailsabout friendships, social
outings or online communicationsthat cause concern.
Thirdly, setting mutual limitsand expectations.
We will clearly defineboundaries around emotional
intimacy, physical contact,digital communication, gaming
and professional relationships.
(55:06):
We will outline those here inthis policy and if new
situations arise, we agree torevisit and update these
boundaries together.
Consequences and resolution Ifthe policy is breached, we
commit to having an opendiscussion about what happened
and why.
We will seek professionalrelationship coaching to move us
(55:27):
towards a healthierrelationship and rebuild trust,
and consequences will bedetermined mutually based on the
nature of the breach and ourshared goals for healing.
We will include thoseconsequences in this policy and
we also will include positiveconsequences when we honor and
respect the policy.
(55:49):
Number five regular review andadaptation.
We agree to review this policytogether at least once every six
months, or sooner ifcircumstances change, to ensure
it remains relevant to ourevolving partnership and
relationship.
Number six when to seekprofessional relationship
coaching, we acknowledge thatsome breaches of trust may
(56:12):
require outside support.
If we experience ongoing trustissues, ineffective
communication.
If we experience ongoing trustissues, ineffective
communication, difficultyrebuilding intimacy or feelings
of hopelessness before or afteran incident, either partner may
seek help from a professionalrelationship coach.
By including these components,partners can create a cheating
(56:33):
policy that not only safeguardstheir relationship against
betrayal, only safeguards theirrelationship against betrayal,
provides a plan should betrayaloccur and also builds a deeper
level of understanding andconnection between each other.
If you're dealing with feelingsof betrayal or uncertainty
about your own cheating policy,it's important to reach out for
(56:54):
professional help.
I specialize in these issuesand can provide the guidance you
need.
Schedule a consultation atbookingsdrdarhawkscom, that's
bookings B-O-O-K-I-N-G-S dotD-R-D-A-R-H-A-W-K-S dot com.
(57:14):
Thanks for listening and I lookforward to meeting you either
in the next podcast, in theneeds quiz or via a consultation
.
Welcome to Episode 62 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
Today I'm talking about how torebuild trust after betrayal or
being cheated on or lies, andthe importance of cheating
policies in healthyrelationships.
A cheating policy inrelationships refers to an
(00:24):
agreement and understandingbetween partners regarding what
constitutes cheating and theboundaries that should not be
crossed.
It includes the consequencesfor fulfilling or breaking the
agreement.
This written agreement plays animportant role in maintaining
(00:44):
trust and preventing betrayal,not just in romantic, committed
relationships, but can alsoguide our friendships,
relationships with family andwith ourselves, as it sets clear
expectations for allindividuals involved.
Cheating, betrayal andunfaithfulness undermines the
(01:05):
foundation of trust and haslasting effects on the emotional
and mental well-being of bothpartners involved.
The ability to trust yourselfand others when you have
experienced betrayal does becomevery difficult in relationships
going forward.
It takes time, consistency,commitment and self-monitoring
(01:33):
and management to build trust,but only one action to destroy
it.
Rebuilding trust after betrayalnever gets completely fulfilled
because there always seems tobe a seed of doubt or
questioning whether fidelitylingers.
Cheating means that you areconsciously breaking the trust
and agreement in yourrelationship if there is an
(01:56):
understanding or expectation forbeing faithful or honoring
agreements and boundaries inyour relationship.
Here are some impacts ofviolating an agreement in a
relationship it erodes trust,destroys respect, causes
emotional and mental distress,results in long-term damage to
(02:16):
each partner and therelationship and ripples outward
to other relationships.
It shatters the sense ofsecurity, safety and intimacy
that partners have built, whichlead to feelings of betrayal and
hurt.
It makes rebuilding trustextremely difficult and carries
(02:37):
forward issues with trustingothers into other relationships.
I want to make a side note here.
Oftentimes the person doing thelying or betraying or cheating
can tend to say that theirpartner is the one that has to
work on their trust issues, whenthe reality is that the person
(02:59):
who committed the betrayal actsare the ones that have to show
up and are accountable forrebuilding that trust.
They have to change theirbehaviors.
They have to show consistentactions to demonstrate that they
have changed and that they'recommitted to their relationship
and their partner.
Of course, their partner reallyneeds to work on not being
(03:23):
defensive or attacking or beingargumentative or blaming and
shaming, and give their partnerspace to show up and prove
themselves.
Children are also significantlyimpacted by cheating and
betrayal within a relationship.
Witnessing the breakdown oftrust between their parents
(03:44):
leads to extreme emotionaldistress, confusion and feelings
of insecurity.
It affects their sense ofsafety, stability, self-esteem
and influences their futurerelationships and trust in
others.
And yet couples fail to talkopenly about their expectations
(04:04):
regarding infidelity well beforethey get into a committed
relationship with each other.
They don't discuss whatcheating actually means to them,
how it shows up and whatbehaviors they consider to be
cheating.
They may very well havedifferent views on what cheating
is and is not.
They also don't share theirpast experiences of feeling
(04:25):
betrayed or cheated on to betterunderstand what is acceptable
and not acceptable.
In their current relationship,they assume or expect fidelity,
loyalty and faithfulness existswithout talking about it or
making agreements, only to bedisappointed later on.
They also falsely think thatthey should not have to have
(04:51):
this conversation, nor shouldthey have to make agreements,
especially if you love eachother.
This lack of communication andunderstanding about infidelity
leaves ample room formisunderstandings, arguments,
disagreements and potentialbreaches of trust in the
relationship.
Having a mutually agreed uponpolicy in place with each other
(05:13):
provides a platform for couplesto have these important
conversations and makeagreements to ensure that both
partners are on the same pagewhen it comes to fidelity.
This conversation does not haveto be difficult or create
conflict.
It's just an honest, open,curious conversation about each
other's thoughts, about what youthink cheating is and is not,
(05:37):
and then finding ways to findcommon ground and make an
agreement with each other thatyou honor and respect and don't
violate.
Now let me talk about thevarious forms cheating can take.
Emotional cheating this involvesdeveloping a deep emotional
connection with someone otherthan your partner.
It can include sharing intimatethoughts and feelings, seeking
(05:59):
emotional support or validationfrom that person and
prioritizing their needs anddesires over your partners.
Though there may not be anyphysical involvement, emotional
affairs can be just as damagingto a relationship as they erode
trust and create a sense ofemotional distance between
partners.
This type of cheating can bejust as harmful as physical
(06:21):
infidelity, because itundermines the emotional
intimacy between partners andcan lead to the erosion of trust
and commitment.
One more note about emotionalcheating it's also very damaging
if the emotional connection isonly occurring with the other
person, but not also with thepartner.
So it's important to discusswhether you're okay with your
(06:46):
partner having an emotionalconnection with another human
being, whether it's a person ofthe same sex or not, and whether
you're fulfilled with theemotional connection that you
have with your partner.
These issues can be reallycomplex and there are a lot of
underlying past experience andpast relationship things that
come to play.
Physical cheating refers toengaging in intimate sexual
(07:09):
activities with someone otherthan your partner.
This form of infidelity isoften seen as the most severe
breach of trust and can havedevastating consequences for the
relationship, but also ripplesout to other relationships in
the couple's life.
It not only violates thecommitment and exclusivity that
partners may have agreed upon,but it also puts both partners
(07:32):
at risk of sexually transmittedinfections or even unwanted
pregnancies.
Even a one-time physicalencounter can shatter the
foundation of trust in arelationship and lead to
feelings of betrayal, profoundanger and hurt.
Digital cheating.
This entails using technologyplatforms such as social media
(07:53):
or dating apps to engage insecretive conversations or
interactions with others,betraying the trust and a step
that then betrays the trustestablished in the relationship.
This can include sendingexplicit messages or photos,
engaging in virtual sexualactivities or forming emotional
connections with someone outsidethe relationship.
(08:16):
While some may argue thatdigital cheating is less harmful
than physical infidelity, itcan still cause distress and
damage to the relationship thatis significant.
The secrecy and deceptioninvolved leads to feelings of
betrayal and, again, a breakdownof trust between partners.
It is important for couples toestablish clear boundaries and
(08:38):
open communication regarding theuse of technology to prevent
digital cheating from occurring,and usually sharing each
other's passwords and allowingaccess to digital devices tends
to resolve this issue.
A resistance to doing it willrequire mitigation, assistance
(09:01):
from a third party to help yousolve, as a couple, gaming
cheating In the context ofrelationships.
Gaming cheating refers toengaging in dishonest practices
while playing online games thatinvolve interactions with other
players.
This can include using cheatcodes or hacks to gain an unfair
(09:22):
advantage, colluding with otherplayers to manipulate game
outcomes or forming emotionalconnections with other gamers.
While this form of cheating mayseem less severe compared to
physical or digital infidelity,it still undermines the
(09:42):
principles of fairness and trustin the relationship.
It is crucial for partners toestablish boundaries regarding
gaming behaviors and address anyconcerns or breaches of trust
promptly.
Work spouse cheating thisinvolves forming a close, often
inappropriate relationship witha colleague that goes beyond
(10:05):
professional boundaries,blurring the lines between work
and personal life.
This type of cheating can leadto emotional and physical
infidelity and breach the trustwithin the partnership.
It is important for couples torecognize the signs of work
spouse cheating, such asexcessive secrecy or emotional
distance and address theseissues openly and honestly.
(10:27):
By establishing clearboundaries, maintaining open
communication and addressing anybreaches of trust promptly,
couples can work towardsrebuilding a strong foundation
of trust and fidelity in theirrelationship.
Mentalism refers to havingintimate thoughts or fantasies
about someone other than yourpartner, which can create
(10:50):
emotional distance anddissatisfaction within the
relationship.
By acknowledging and discussingany signs of mental cheating,
such as emotional distance orintimate thoughts about others,
couples can confront theseissues openly.
Also, creating a space wherepartners can share openly around
(11:10):
what they're thinking, how theyfind a certain person
attractive and why, reallycreates an open communication
and a safe place to share,without jealousy or without
trying to control each other'smental and thought processes.
It creates a deeper connectionwhere you both can just share
(11:32):
openly with each other in ahealthy way, without making each
other wrong.
By acknowledging and discussingany signs of mental cheating,
such as emotional distance orintimate thoughts about others,
couples can confront theseissues openly.
Dishonesty and communicationare essential in maintaining
(11:55):
trust and closeness in arelationship that lasts for the
life of the relationship.
Financial cheating this refersto dishonesty or secrecy, sense
of betrayal within therelationship when one partner
(12:28):
hides financial information,makes significant financial
decisions without consultingtheir significant other or
engages in deceitful financialpractices, it creates a
breakdown in trust, powerimbalances and resentment.
I also want to talk aboutfinancial control, which is also
a form of cheating.
This refers to exerting controlover your partner's finances,
(12:52):
limiting their access to moneyor making them financially
dependent on you.
This type of cheating can be aform of abuse and can lead to
power imbalances and feelings ofhelplessness in the
relationship.
When one partner hidesfinancial information, makes
significant financial decisionswithout consulting their
(13:13):
significant other or engages indeceitful financial practices,
this erodes trust, creates powerimbalances and resentment, and
is unhealthy for both partners.
This type of cheating can alsobe a form of abuse and leads to
feelings of helplessness in therelationship.
(13:34):
Spiritual cheating refers toseeking emotional connection or
fulfillment outside of therelationship through religious
or spiritual activities withsomeone else.
This can involve sharing deeplypersonal thoughts and
experiences, which can underminethe emotional intimacy and
trust between partners.
This breach of emotionalboundaries can erode the
(14:04):
foundation of trust andcloseness within the
relationship.
Porn cheating this involvesengaging in secret or excessive
consumption of pornographywithout the knowledge or
agreement of one's partner andoften replaces intimate time
with one's partner.
This behavior again leads tofeelings of betrayal, insecurity
and a lack of intimacy in therelationship.
(14:24):
This behavior can createdistance between partners,
impact their emotionalconnection and break breakdowns
in trust and intimacy.
Porn cheating can also resultin feelings of betrayal,
insecurity, a lack ofself-esteem and self-worth and a
sense of disconnect within therelationship.
(14:46):
Emotional withdrawal cheatingrefers to emotionally
disconnecting from your partnerby withholding affection,
communication or support.
This can create a sense ofloneliness and emotional neglect
, damaging the bond andcloseness between partners.
Emotional neglect damaging thebond and closeness between
(15:08):
partners.
This form of cheating alsoleads to resentment, frustration
and loneliness for the partnerwho is being emotionally
withdrawn from.
Over time, this can causeirreparable damage to the
relationship and creates a deepsense of emotional disconnection
.
Neglect cheating this involvesprioritizing other aspects of
life, such as work, hobbies orfriends, over the needs and
(15:33):
well-being of your partner.
Neglecting the relationshipleads to feelings of resentment,
loneliness and a lack ofsatisfaction for both partners.
This behavior creates growingemotional distance and further
damages the connection betweenpartners.
Quality time cheating refers tospending excessive time away
(15:56):
from your partner or withsomeone other than your partner,
whether it be a friend,co-worker or acquaintance.
This can create emotionalconnections and intimacy outside
of the relationship,potentially leading to
infidelity.
Consistently, prioritizingother commitments or activities
over spending quality time withyour partner can lead to
(16:17):
feelings of neglect andresentment, as well as a
weakening of the emotional bondin your relationship.
Hobby or activity cheatinginvolves engaging in a hobby,
activity or interest thatbecomes all-consuming, leaving
little to no time or energy foryour partner.
When one partner becomesconsumed by a hobby or activity
(16:38):
that requires a significantinvestment of time, money or
being with others, it can leadto feelings of neglect and
isolation in the relationshipthat erodes the bond that you
share.
Intimacy cheating involvesseeking emotional or physical
intimacy outside of therelationship through flirtation,
(16:58):
emotional affairs or evenengaging in physical infidelity.
This breach of trust can bedeeply hurtful and damaging to
the relationship.
Communication cheating involvessharing intimate details or
discussing relationship issueswith someone other than your
partner.
This breach of trust can leadto emotional distance and
(17:21):
undermine the foundation of openand honest communication within
your relationship.
Physical neglect cheating thisrefers to neglecting physical
connection and intimacy withyour partner, whether it be a
lack of sexual activity orphysical affection.
This can create feelings ofrejection, frustration and
dissatisfaction in therelationship.
(17:43):
Frustration and dissatisfactionin the relationship.
Family relationship cheatinginvolves prioritizing the
opinions and comfort of yourfamily over your partner's,
which leads to a lack of supportor understanding for your
partner, which then results infeeling isolated and resentment.
Secrets cheating involveskeeping significant information
(18:04):
or actions hidden from yourpartner, such as financial
decisions, personal habits oreven past relationships.
This lack of transparencyerodes trust and can lead to
feelings of betrayal andquestioning the authenticity of
the relationship.
Gaslighting cheating thisoccurs when one partner
(18:24):
manipulates the other'sperception of reality, making
them doubt their own thoughts,emotions and experiences.
This psychological form ofcheating undermines the other
partner or the victim'sconfidence and can lead to
emotional turmoil and a deepsense of confusion.
We've already touched on thisone, but it's worded slightly
differently and it's aboutvirtual cheating.
(18:47):
It involves engaging inromantic or sexual activities
with others through onlinedigital platforms such as social
media or dating apps.
While there may not be physicalcontact, this form of cheating
can still cause significant harmby breaching trust and creating
emotional connections outsidethe relationship.
This can also happen withgaming apps and platforms.
(19:10):
Sexting or texting cheatingthis involves sending explicit
messages, photos or videos tosomeone other than your partner.
This form of cheating can beparticularly damaging as it
combines elements of emotionaland virtual infidelity, blurring
the lines between physical anddigital boundaries.
(19:30):
Backstabbing cheating involvesbetraying your partner's trust
by sharing personal informationor private conversations with
others behind their back andwithout their permission.
Talking about your partner thisform of cheating can lead to
feelings of humiliation,isolation and a breakdown in
(19:51):
communication in therelationship.
Talking about your partnernegatively, cheating or even
sarcastically this occurs whenone partner speaks ill of their
significant other to friends andfamily or even strangers,
behind their back or right infront of them.
This behavior erodes trust,damages the partner's reputation
(20:13):
and creates a toxic environmentin the relationship.
It is unhealthy and it damagesyour partner's self-worth and
self-esteem your partner'sself-worth and self-esteem.
Career ambition cheatinginvolves prioritizing personal
career ambitions.
Involves prioritizing personalcareer ambitions over the
(20:33):
well-being of the relationship.
This can include neglectingquality time with your partner,
consistently putting work abovetheir needs or seeking emotional
support outside therelationship from colleagues or
mentors.
This form of cheating may notinvolve physical or virtual
infidelity, but it can stillhave devastating effects on the
emotional connection and overallsatisfaction within the
(20:56):
relationship.
Social cheating involves formingemotional connections or
seeking validation from othersoutside the relationship through
social media events oractivities.
This behavior can lead tofeelings of betrayal, insecurity
and a lack of intimacy betweenpartners, ultimately undermining
the foundation of trust andcommitment to the relationship.
(21:18):
Flirting cheating refers toengaging in playful or seductive
behavior with someone otherthan your partner, often without
any intention of taking itfurther.
While some may argue thatflirting is harmless, it can
still be considered a form ofcheating if it violates the
boundaries and expectations setwithin the relationship.
(21:39):
It can cause jealousy,insecurity and erode the
emotional connection betweenpartners.
Intellectual cheating thisoccurs when a person seeks
intellectual stimulation fromsomeone outside the relationship
, often through deepconversations, sharing intimate
thoughts or seeking advice.
While this may not involvephysical or romantic involvement
(22:03):
, it can still be considered abreach of trust if it leads to a
stronger connection withsomeone other than your partner.
Avoidance cheating involvesmentally, physically or
emotionally withdrawing fromyour partner, avoiding difficult
conversations or conflicts.
This can create a sense ofneglect and distance within the
(22:23):
relationship, leading tofeelings of resentment and
dissatisfaction.
Influence cheating Havingfriends, co-workers or family
members who are cheaters andspending time with them is also
a form of cheating, becauseyou're exposing yourself to
their values and their behaviorsand, over time, it very well
(22:44):
can influence you to do thingsthat violate any agreements or
boundaries and can violatefidelity in your relationship.
Each form of cheating carriesits own consequences.
Regardless of the type,cheating can have severe
consequences on a relationship,on each partner and pretty much
all your relationships andwell-being.
(23:06):
It's important to understandthat these types of cheating can
overlap and a partner mayengage in multiple forms at the
same time.
These forms of cheating are notall exhaustive or all-inclusive
.
There may be others and eachperson may have their own
definitions and boundaries intheir relationships.
(23:26):
For example, I worked with acouple when they would go out
for their date nights.
The husband would flirt withthe waitress and it really,
really bothered her.
So there's so many differentways this can show up in your
life and in your relationshipand it requires you getting
clear, like really doing a deepdive and unpacking what cheating
(23:49):
is for you, what you'll, whatis acceptable and what isn't,
and also what is excessive or inthe form of an ultimatum.
It's also important to work onyour own jealousy or insecurity
issues, such that your requestsor asks of your partner are
reasonable and practical and notextreme.
(24:11):
For example, an extreme requestwould be you can't have
conversations with anybody ofthe opposite sex ever unless I'm
there, if the partner works inan office space that's full of
men and women?
That's an impossible ask.
Just wanted to give you acouple of examples of that.
(24:31):
It's also important tounderstand and know that the
impact of cheating is notlimited to the couple alone.
It can also affect otheraspects of life, such as work
performance, social and familyrelationships, financial
situations, children and overallmental and emotional well-being
of everyone involved and aroundyou.
(24:53):
Let's now talk about themotivation to cheat.
The motivation to cheat isrooted in a deficiency with one
or more of the five primaryrelationship needs in your
relationship, and thisdeficiency isn't just about the
current relationship.
It's something to work onwithin yourself and to get a
(25:16):
healthy balance of these needs.
These five primary relationshipneeds consist of love and
belonging, freedom, fun, safetyand survival and power Power
from the perspective ofself-empowerment, not power and
domination over others.
When these needs are not met,you may seek fulfillment outside
(25:40):
the relationship, leading tothe various forms of cheating.
Here are some scenarios ofdeficiencies in the five primary
relationship needs that couldlead to cheating.
The five primary relationshipneeds do play a pivotal role in
maintaining harmony and trustbetween partners.
When these needs love andbelonging, freedom, fun, safety
(26:02):
and survival, and power are notadequately met, individuals
might seek fulfillment elsewhere, which can lead to infidelity.
Love and belonging ConsiderSarah and John, who have been
married for several years.
Over time, sarah has feltincreasingly neglected as John
dedicates more time to hiscareer.
(26:23):
The lack of emotional intimacyand affection leaves Sarah
feeling unloved and isolated.
She begins to confide in acolleague who provides the
emotional support she craves.
This emotional connectioneventually leads to an affair.
Sarah's need for love andbelonging was unmet in her
marriage, pushing her to seek itoutside the relationship.
(26:47):
Freedom Alex values personalspace and autonomy highly.
However, alex's partner, jamie,tends to be overly controlling
and restrictive about Alex'sactivities and friendships
Alex's activities andfriendships.
Feeling suffocated by Jamie'sconstant monitoring and lack of
(27:08):
trust, alex starts to seeksolace with friends who respect
his need for freedom.
This new social circleintroduces him to someone who
appreciates his need forindependence, leading to an
affair.
Alex's desire for freedom wasstifled within the relationship.
An affair Alex's desire forfreedom was stifled within the
relationship, prompting him toseek it elsewhere.
(27:29):
Fun Maria and Carlos used toenjoy spontaneous adventures
together, but now find theirlives consumed by routine and
responsibilities.
Maria starts feeling bored andunfulfilled without the fun
experiences that once energizedtheir relationship.
She meets someone through ahobby group who shares her zest
(27:50):
for life and adventure.
Their shared activities lead toan emotional connection that
turns into infidelity.
Maria's unmet need for fundrove her towards a relationship
that promised excitement,safety and survival.
(28:10):
Jake feels insecure due tofinancial instability in his
relationship with Emma.
Despite working hard, theystruggle to make ends meet,
causing constant stress and fearabout their future.
Jake meets someone at work whooffers financial stability and
security.
The promise of a safer futurebecomes irresistible, leading
Jake to engage in an affairdespite his deep love for Emma.
(28:34):
His unmet need for safety andsurvival pushed him towards
seeking a more secure situationoutside his primary relationship
Power.
Laura often feels powerless inher relationship with Mark, who
tends to dominate decisions anddiscussions about their lives
(28:55):
together.
Her opinions are frequentlydismissed or belittled, leaving
her feeling insignificant.
Laura reconnects with an oldfriend who values her opinion,
listens carefully and intently,and engages her in
decision-making processesactively.
This newfound sense ofempowerment leads Laura into an
(29:17):
emotional affair.
Her unmet need for power withinher marriage drove her towards
someone who respected herautonomy.
Power within her marriage droveher towards someone who
respected her autonomy.
In summary, when the primaryrelationship needs of love and
belonging, freedom, fun, safetyand survival and power are not
met within a relationship,individuals may be compelled to
(29:39):
look outside their partnershipfor fulfillment.
Addressing these deficienciesproactively can help prevent
infidelity by ensuring bothpartners' needs are recognized
and met within the relationshipitself.
By the way, these five primaryrelationship needs are at play
in all of our relationships andcan be deficient, causing us to
(30:05):
look for different friendshipsor getting needs met elsewhere
that aren't getting met, throughfamily members, for example.
To learn what your dominantprimary relationship need is, I
invite you to take my quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom, that's
needsd-r-d-a-r-h-a-w-k-scom.
(30:27):
Let's now talk about definingcheating in a relationship.
In a relationship, it iscrucial and essential for
couples to openly communicateand align on their views
regarding cheating.
The definition of cheating candiffer from one couple to
another, depending on theirpersonal values, their past
(30:51):
experiences and boundaries.
Therefore, discussing andsharing specific examples can
help both partners understandeach other's perspective better.
It is never too late or tooearly to have these
conversations.
Here are some of the effects ofcheating on relationships.
Cheating in any form can andwill severely damage your
(31:14):
relationship and, frankly, causedamage within yourself.
Trust is extremely fragile.
It needs continuous effort andcommitment to sustain, in
addition to consistency.
Once broken, rebuilding trustcan be quite challenging.
The guilt and shame thatpartners have to process as a
result of experiencing cheatingis immense.
(31:37):
It leads to feelings ofbetrayal, anger, a lack of
emotional well-being and asignificant loss of self-esteem.
The emotional toll can beoverwhelming and can take a long
time to heal, and may nevercompletely heal without
professional support.
The impact of cheating extendsbeyond the individuals involved.
(31:59):
It can have ripple effects ontheir families, friends, work
environment and even futurerelationships.
The scars left by infidelitycan create a lasting sense of
insecurity and doubt in futurepartnerships as well.
Now let's talk about preventingcheating in relationships.
Building a strong foundationbased on trust, open
(32:22):
communication and mutual respectis key in preventing cheating.
Regularly checking in with yourpartner, addressing any issues
or concerns promptly andcultivating an environment where
both partners feel safe toexpress their needs are crucial
steps towards maintaining ahealthy relationship.
(32:42):
If you would like a tool andworksheets for conducting and
how to organize and have acheck-in with your partner, take
a look at my relationshipcheck-in document pdf at
vitalitydrdarhawkscom.
That's vitality atdrdarhawkscom.
(33:06):
Here are 13 steps to preventcheating have conversations
about expectations aboutinfidelity, implement a cheating
policy that you both agree withand sign Check in with each
other regularly, at least everysix months, to review your
(33:26):
agreements with each other andhow well you've respected and
honored your agreements.
Set boundaries and betransparent about your
expectations.
Prioritize quality time andnurture emotional intimacy.
Really schedule quality timetogether and intimacy time on
(33:48):
your calendars, showing thatit's a priority.
Demonstrate appreciation andaffection towards your partner
daily.
Address any insecurities orunresolved issues within
yourself and in the relationshipimmediately and promptly.
Establish mutual goals and worktowards them as a team.
Seek professional relationshipcoaching or counseling to
(34:09):
address the underlying issues inyour relationship or within
yourself.
Be mindful of temptations andactively avoid situations that
tempt you or may compromise yourrelationship and trust.
Honor commitments and beaccountable for your own actions
.
Create a supportive network offriends and family who value
(34:31):
healthy relationships,continually reassess and adapt
to each other's evolving needsto continue building a strong,
emotionally connectedrelationship.
Human beings do not stay thesame for the duration of their
life.
We change.
We are dynamic creatures.
That's why it's reallyimportant to have regular
(34:53):
check-ins with your partner,because things aren't going to
be the same as the day that youfirst met or when you were in
that honeymoon phase.
While there is no full proofguarantee against cheating.
Committing to these practicescan significantly reduce the
likelihood of it occurring.
Cheating is a very complex issuethat has far-reaching
(35:16):
consequences.
It is essential for individualsin a relationship to prioritize
open and honest communication.
A relationship to prioritizeopen and honest communication,
establish clear boundaries andseek professional help to repair
any damage caused by cheatingor betrayal in the current
relationship or a past one.
Ideally, understanding thereasons behind the temptation to
(35:38):
cheat can help both you andyour partner deal with the
underlying problems and worktowards rebuilding a healthier
and more secure relationship.
Dealing with these issuesbefore any cheating actions or
decisions are made can greatlystrengthen the relationship's
foundation and stop any futurebreaches of trust.
(35:59):
By creating a supportive andopen environment, couples can
face challenges together, becomestronger and develop a more
resilient bond that can resisttemptation.
In tough times, when couplesoverlook small problems that
gradually grow into larger ones,the desire to cheat becomes
more attractive.
(36:19):
Instead of figuring out how totackle the problems in the
relationship or seekingprofessional guidance through
relationship coaching or therapy, it may seem easier to destroy
the relationship.
This would shift all theattention to the act of cheating
, creating yet another problemto fix or potentially ending the
(36:40):
relationship entirely.
Sometimes, cheating can be adeliberate way to sabotage and
end a relationship, but Iencourage you to choose a
different path.
Instead of resorting tobetrayal, strive for emotional
maturity, confront the issueswithin your relationship head-on
and seek professionalrelationship coaching as soon as
(37:02):
possible.
What is a cheating policy?
A cheating policy is a set ofrules created by partners to
define acceptable andunacceptable behavior in their
relationship.
It establishes boundaries tofoster trust, respect and
understanding with each otherwithin the relationship.
(37:23):
The purpose of this policy isto guide behavior, prevent
misunderstandings or conflictsrelated to infidelity and
support the emotional securityof both individuals.
This document is intended as aliving agreement open to
discussion and revision asneeded for the well-being of
both partners.
It emphasizes the importance ofhealthy, open communication and
(37:48):
mutual support in maintaining ahealthy relationship.
Establishing a cheating policyis not about limiting personal
freedom, but rather aboutpromoting honesty and creating a
strong foundation of trust inthe relationship.
In the unfortunate event ofinfidelity, a cheating policy
can serve as a reference pointfor establishing boundaries and
(38:12):
initiating the healing process.
It can outline the stepsrequired to rebuild trust and
provide guidelines foraddressing underlying issues
that led to the betrayal.
By having rules in place,couples can navigate through
difficult times with moreclarity and purpose.
While a cheating policy mayseem restrictive to some, it can
(38:33):
actually promote a healthierand more open relationship.
It encourages honestconversations, reinforces mutual
respect and fosters a sense ofsecurity within the partnership.
I now want to talk aboutvariations of cheating policies
based on different relationshiptypes.
(38:54):
The first one is monogamousrelationships, and this assumes
that both parties have agreed tobe exclusive with each other.
The cheating policy inmonogamous relationships
consists of exclusivity.
That is a central tenet of thecheating policy.
Partners will typicallyprioritize fidelity in romantic
(39:18):
and sexual interaction.
The role of consent consists ofclear communication and mutual
consent, which play vital rolesin defining and upholding
boundaries within monogamousrelationships.
The second one is polyamorousrelationships.
The cheating policy inpolyamorous relationships tends
(39:41):
to be more flexible, focusing onhonesty and consent rather than
strict exclusivity.
Now, in polyamorousrelationships, consent is is a
strong tenant.
Establishing and respectingboundaries through open
communication and mutualagreements are key aspects of
(40:03):
cheating policies in polyamorousdynamics.
The third type of relationshipis ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamousindividuals often have unique
agreements that prioritizerespect, transparency and
ongoing dialogue overtraditional notions of
infidelity.
They also have an agreementaround practicing safe sex.
(40:27):
Mutual consent and continuouscommunication are fundamental in
maintaining trust andnavigating potential breaches
within ethical, non-monogamousrelationships.
Now I want to give you someideas about the components of an
effective cheating policy.
Creating a cheating policy thatworks for both partners
(40:49):
requires honest and opendialogue.
Here are some key components toconsider when establishing a
cheating policy.
Both partners must engage inhonest and open discussions.
This means expressing yourthoughts, feelings and concerns
about infidelity without fear ofjudgment or retaliation.
(41:10):
By fostering an environment oftrust and understanding, you can
create a policy that reflectsboth partners' values and
boundaries.
Create a policy that reflectsboth partners' values and
boundaries.
Number two be transparent aboutyour interactions.
Transparency is essential whenit comes to maintaining trust in
a relationship.
Tell the truth.
It's easier to manage thedifficulty and conflict when
(41:33):
telling the truth than it is bybeing deceiving, believe it or
not.
As part of your cheating policy, make it a point to share
details about your interactionswith others, especially those
that could potentially raiseconcerns.
Be proactive in yourcommunication.
Take accountability.
This includes friendships,online connections or any social
(41:56):
activities that involveindividuals outside your
relationship.
By being upfront about theseinteractions, you can address
any insecurities or doubts wellbefore they escalate into bigger
issues.
Number three set mutual limitsand expectations.
Every couple has their ownunique definition of what
(42:16):
cheating is and is not.
To avoid misunderstandings orconflicts down the line, it's
important to have open, honestconversations about your
individual perspectives oninfidelity.
Together, you can set mutuallyagreed upon limits and
expectations around behaviorsthat you both consider as
(42:36):
crossing the line.
This could include emotionalaffairs, physical intimacy with
others or even certain onlineactivities that make one partner
uncomfortable.
By incorporating thesecomponents into your cheating
policy, you can establish aframework that promotes
communication, transparency andmutual consent within your
(42:58):
relationship.
Communication, transparency andmutual consent within your
relationship.
Remember that this policyshould be flexible and subject
to periodic reviews as bothpartners grow and evolve over
time.
Here are some challenges toconsider as you implement a
cheating policy.
When partners try to set up acheating policy, they often face
(43:20):
relationship challenges thatreveal deeper issues.
Each partner may have differentviews on what cheating means,
making it hard to agree on clear, reasonable and fair limits.
One person might see anemotional affair as serious
betrayal, while the otherconsiders it just a close
(43:41):
friendship.
This can lead to confusion andconflict.
Enforcing boundaries can alsobe difficult Sometimes.
Actions that don't directlyviolate any agreed-upon rule
still cause feelings of betrayalbecause of unspoken
expectations or emotionalsensitivities.
(44:03):
This emotional complexityrequires ongoing communication
and empathy.
As to what is a cheating policyon paper may not always reflect
the lived experience of bothpartners equally.
Here are some common challengescouples face when implementing
cheating policies Discrepanciesin understanding key terms like
(44:25):
cheating or emotional intimacy Ihighly recommend consulting the
dictionary and aligning on thedefinition of key terms.
Unintended emotional responsesdespite adherence to explicit
rules.
And difficulty balancingindividual needs with shared
agreements.
These challenges highlight whyrevisiting and refining the
(44:47):
cheating policy together isessential for harmony and trust.
Now let's briefly talk aboutwhat to include in a cheating
policy.
When creating a cheating policywith your partner, it's
essential to cover variousaspects to ensure clarity and
mutual understanding.
Let me touch on why it's calleda cheating policy and not a no
(45:09):
cheating policy.
The reason why it's called acheating policy is because
you're establishing rules andguidelines and boundaries and
definitions around what cheatingis and is not for you
individually and your partnerindividually and together as a
couple.
It's not a no cheating policybecause you wouldn't need to
(45:31):
have these definitions if youhad a no cheating policy.
Does that make sense?
There wouldn't need to be oneand that's why it's called a
cheating policy and agreement.
When creating a cheating policywith your partner, it's
essential to cover variousaspects to ensure clarity and
mutual understanding andagreement.
(45:51):
Here are some key components toconsider Explicit definitions
and examples.
Clearly define what actionsconstitute cheating for you in
your relationship.
Allow your partner to do thesame.
Hear each other out and findcommon ground so that you can
(46:11):
move to step two and definingthese actions.
Whether it's emotionalconnections, physical intimacy
outside the partnership orengaging in deceptive behaviors,
all of those should be includedin part of these discussions.
The second thing to include areboundaries and expectations.
Establish specific boundariesand expectations regarding
(46:34):
interactions with others,including friendships, online
communications, interactionswith others, including
friendships, onlinecommunications, and behaviors
that may raise concerns, andalso tie that back to your
explicit definitions andexamples.
Thirdly, have somecommunication guidelines.
Outline how each of you shouldcommunicate about potential
issues or concerns related tofidelity and cheating,
(46:57):
emphasizing open and honestdialogue without judgment.
You might want to even includescripts so that it doesn't
create a defensive reaction,worry, angst or anger because
you're using the script that youboth agreed to use.
Include a section onconsequences Dis discuss
(47:18):
potential consequences forbreaching the cheating policy,
but also include consequencesfor honoring and respecting the
agreement and cheating policy.
You could include things liketransparent discussions, seeking
coaching or therapy, orre-evaluation of your
relationship's future.
(47:39):
Also include an agreementaround regular review and
updates.
Agree to revisit, review andupdate the cheating policy
periodically to accommodatechanges in feelings, boundaries
or relationship dynamics andchanges in life.
Include how often you're goingto review it.
Include dates put the dates inyour calendar and don't
(48:03):
reschedule.
This is really important forthe health of your relationship.
By including these elements inyour cheating policy, you can
create a foundation for trust,transparency and mutual respect
in your relationship that buildsand gets stronger over time.
Now let's talk about when it'stime to seek professional help
for infidelity issues.
(48:24):
Sometimes dealing withinfidelity can be extremely
difficult, or even talking aboutimplementing a cheating policy
can be as well, so it isbeneficial to seek professional
help.
Here are some signs thatindicate it may be time to
consult a relationship coach.
Like myself, if you don'tcurrently have a cheating policy
(48:47):
and even talking about it withyour partner causes you angst or
concern, it's time to seekprofessional help.
Another one is if you haveongoing trust issues, if
breaches of trust have occurredin the relationship and they
continue to affect yourconnection with your partner,
it's helpful to seek guidancefrom a professional If there's a
(49:12):
lack of effective communicationwhen discussing infidelity or
its aftermath, and that leads toarguments or misunderstandings
instead of productiveconversations.
It's time to seek professionalhelp because they can provide
tools and techniques for bettercommunication.
If you are having difficultyrebuilding intimacy after an
affair, it's natural forpartners to struggle with
(49:36):
physical and emotional intimacy.
A relationship coach can assistyou in exploring these
challenges and help you findways to reconnect.
If you're feeling stuck orhopeless, if you feel like
you're going around in circleswithout making any progress on
healing or rebuilding yourrelationship, seek professional
(49:56):
support because it can offer younew perspectives and strategies
than your normal routine.
If either of you have beenthinking of cheating or have
been violating agreements witheach other, or you have thoughts
of cheating or seeking revenge,it's a clear sign that
professional intervention isnecessary to address the root
(50:17):
causes of these feelings andwork towards a healthier
relationship.
Dynamic Professional guidanceplays a crucial role in the
healing process after infidelity.
Here's how Effectivecommunication strategies
Professional relationshipcoaches are trained to help
couples communicate moreeffectively.
(50:38):
They can teach you techniques toexpress your feelings, needs
and concerns in a way thatpromotes understanding rather
than defensiveness.
Secondly, they can help yourebuild intimacy.
Infidelity often createsbarriers to physical and
emotional closeness betweenpartners.
A relationship couples coachcan help you explore the
(50:58):
underlying issues thatcontributed to the affair and
work on rebuilding trust andintimacy through specific
exercises or activitiesProcessing your emotions.
Both partners may experience arange of emotions following an
affair, such as anger, sadness,betrayal, guilt, shame,
embarrassment, etc.
(51:20):
Relationship coaching providesa safe space for you to process
these emotions without judgment,while also facilitating
discussions between partnersabout their respective feelings.
By the way, coaching is aprocess to move you forward, not
backward, in a healthy,supportive way.
It's not about looking atwhat's wrong with you or your
(51:43):
partner.
It's about looking at what'snot working, what has not been
working, and resolving that.
If you find yourself strugglingwith any of these issues after
experiencing infidelity,consider reaching out to me for
professional relationshipcoaching.
Book a consultation by going tobookingsdrdarhawkscom.
(52:08):
I want to give you an example ofa cheating policy now, just to
better understand how a cheatingpolicy can work in a
relationship, and that shows howthese guidelines can be applied
.
This example highlights theimportance of having clear
boundaries, open communicationand mutual respect in order to
maintain trust and loyaltybetween partners.
(52:28):
Key components of the cheatingpolicy Definition of cheating
Clearly define what actions orbehaviors constitute cheating
for you and your partner.
This could include emotionalconnections with others,
physical intimacy outside thepartnership or breaches of
agreed-upon boundaries.
Number two communicationguidelines have protocols for
(52:52):
discussing concerns or potentialboundary violations openly and
honestly.
Encourage both of you toexpress your feelings without
fear of judgment.
Include transparencyexpectations.
Emphasize the importance oftransparency in all interactions
.
Encourage sharing details aboutfriendships, social outings or
(53:15):
online communications that couldimpact the relationship.
Number four consequences andresolution.
Outline potential consequencesfor breaching the policy, while
also setting a framework forresolving conflicts
constructively.
Also include consequences forrespecting and honoring the
(53:36):
policy.
Focus on rebuilding trust andunderstanding motivations behind
any infractions and make acommitted effort to make changes
in your behaviors going forward.
Include regular review andadaptation.
Schedule periodic check-ins toreview the effectiveness of the
policy and make necessaryadjustments based on evolving
(54:01):
needs or circumstances.
Now I know I covered that twice.
There's a reason for it,because now we're going to move
into ensuring that you bothagree to the following
principles to maintain a healthyand faithful partnership
Communication we will openlydiscuss our needs, feelings and
concerns regarding fidelity,without fear of judgment or
(54:25):
reprisal.
If either partner feelsuncomfortable or unsure about
any interactions with others, wecommit to discussing it as soon
as possible.
Transparency about interactionswe will be honest about our
social circles, friendships andany interactions that may impact
our relationship.
(54:45):
We both will share detailsabout friendships, social
outings or online communicationsthat cause concern.
Thirdly, setting mutual limitsand expectations.
We will clearly defineboundaries around emotional
intimacy, physical contact,digital communication, gaming
and professional relationships.
(55:06):
We will outline those here inthis policy and if new
situations arise, we agree torevisit and update these
boundaries together.
Consequences and resolution Ifthe policy is breached, we
commit to having an opendiscussion about what happened
and why.
We will seek professionalrelationship coaching to move us
(55:27):
towards a healthierrelationship and rebuild trust,
and consequences will bedetermined mutually based on the
nature of the breach and ourshared goals for healing.
We will include thoseconsequences in this policy and
we also will include positiveconsequences when we honor and
respect the policy.
(55:49):
Number five regular review andadaptation.
We agree to review this policytogether at least once every six
months, or sooner ifcircumstances change, to ensure
it remains relevant to ourevolving partnership and
relationship.
Number six when to seekprofessional relationship
coaching, we acknowledge thatsome breaches of trust may
(56:12):
require outside support.
If we experience ongoing trustissues, ineffective
communication.
If we experience ongoing trustissues, ineffective
communication, difficultyrebuilding intimacy or feelings
of hopelessness before or afteran incident, either partner may
seek help from a professionalrelationship coach.
By including these components,partners can create a cheating
(56:33):
policy that not only safeguardstheir relationship against
betrayal, only safeguards theirrelationship against betrayal,
provides a plan should betrayaloccur and also builds a deeper
level of understanding andconnection between each other.
If you're dealing with feelingsof betrayal or uncertainty
about your own cheating policy,it's important to reach out for
(56:54):
professional help.
I specialize in these issuesand can provide the guidance you
need.
Schedule a consultation atbookingsdrdarhawkscom, that's
bookings B-O-O-K-I-N-G-S dotD-R-D-A-R-H-A-W-K-S dot com.
(57:14):
Thanks for listening and I lookforward to meeting you either
in the next podcast, in theneeds quiz or via a consultation
.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Herd with Colin Cowherd
The Herd with Colin Cowherd is a thought-provoking, opinionated, and topic-driven journey through the top sports stories of the day.