Ep64 The Dark Side of Belonging: When Connection Costs Too Much

I would love to hear from you. What did you think about this episode? Do you have any questions?

The foundation of every meaningful human connection lies in our fundamental needs for love and belonging. But have you ever wondered why you seek connection differently than others around you? Why some relationships feel effortless while others seem constantly challenging?

In this revealing episode, Dr. Dar Hawks uncovers how your unique relationship blueprint determines the way you experience love and belonging. We all have five primary relationship needs – freedom, fun, power, safety/survival, and love/belonging – but one typically dominates our interaction style and expectations.

Freedom-dominant individuals seek connections that respect their independence, while fun-centered people experience belonging through shared joy and playfulness. Those driven by power find fulfillment when their contributions are acknowledged, safety-oriented people prioritize trust and stability, and love/belonging-focused individuals thrive on deep emotional connection and unconditional acceptance.

Dr. Hawks doesn't shy away from exploring the shadow side of our connection needs. When love and belonging go unfulfilled, we can develop unhealthy patterns – codependency, people-pleasing, fear-based attachment, and emotional manipulation. Particularly for empathetic, compassionate people, the tendency to sacrifice personal needs and boundaries in relationships can lead to resentment and burnout.

The psychological impacts of unmet belonging needs extend far beyond temporary discomfort. Loneliness, social anxiety, depression, trust issues, and diminished self-worth can take root, affecting not just our relationships but our entire wellbeing. Dr. Hawks offers practical strategies for healing: practicing self-compassion, engaging in joyful activities, building supportive communities, setting healthy boundaries, and cultivating self-awarenes

Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou

Did you know? Taking the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz doesn’t just give you insight—it also grants you free access to Dr. Dar’s Relationship Education Video Series and the Better Relationships Community. Inside, you’ll find monthly live events, grounded relationship guidance, and exclusive coaching rates—everything designed to help you feel supported and empowered in your relationships. Visit needs.drdarhawks.com to join our community today!

Thanks for listening today! If something in this episode spoke to you, Dr. Dar would love to connect. You can book a consultation here or take the free quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com if you haven't done so yet. This podcast is for coaching support and education only.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Episode 64 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks Relationshipand Communication Coach and I'm
committed to solving anyrelationship or communication
issue or concern, with the goalto do it in 30 minutes or less.
Book a session with me atbookingsdardarhawkscom.

(00:23):
Session with me atbookingsdrdarhawkscom.
Today's topic is about thefoundation of all human
relationships, why you should beaware of it and how to build it
in your relationships.
Love and belonging are both atthe core of your primary
relationship needs.
They're not just emotions butimportant elements that motivate

(00:45):
you to seek connection,acceptance and validation from
others.
Everyone has this need, butdemonstrates it differently
through their dominant primaryrelationship need, which can be
discovered by taking my freequiz at needsdrdarhawkscom.

(01:06):
There are five primaryrelationship needs we all have,
but they manifest differentlyfor each of us.
The five are love and belonging, freedom, fun, power and safety
and survival.
Freedom, fun, power, and safetyand survival.

(01:30):
Let's now talk about thedifferences in the love and
belonging need based on which ofthe five is your dominant
primary relationship need, asgiven to you through the quiz at
needsdrarhawkscom?
First, I want to talk about thefreedom primary relationship
need.
When freedom is your dominantneed, love and belonging are

(01:51):
sought in ways that honor andrespect independence and
personal autonomy.
Individuals motivated byfreedom desire relationships
that do not feel confining orcontrolling or restrictive.
They value partners, friends orfamily members who respect
their need for space,self-expression and choice.

(02:15):
Here's an example A person witha high need for freedom may
prefer open or flexiblerelationship structures, resist
routines imposed by others andfeel most connected when they're
trusted to make their owndecisions.
The second one is the funprimary relationship need.

(02:39):
For those whose dominant needis fun, love and belonging are
intertwined with sharedenjoyment, lightheartedness and
playfulness.
These people seek relationshipswhere laughter, spontaneity and
joy are abundant.
Belonging is experiencedthrough mutual participation in

(03:01):
pleasurable activities, andserious conversations are best
handled through lightheartednessand a lack of heaviness or
serious intensity.
Here's an example Someonemotivated by fun might organize
group outings, playful dates orgame nights with loved ones.

(03:23):
They feel closest to people whoshare their sense of humor and
adventurous spirit.
The next primary relationshipneed is power, with power as
your dominant relationship need,love and belonging are often
expressed through influence,recognition, achievement or

(03:45):
leadership roles withinrelationships.
On the unhealthy side, powercan show up as being controlling
or competitive or pushy, or myway or the highway.
On the healthy side.
These individuals want theircontributions to be acknowledged
and valued by others and tendto be slightly or more so on the

(04:10):
transactional side.
Here's an example An individualdriven by power may take the
initiative in planning familyevents or leading group projects
at work.
They feel connected when theiropinions matter and when they
can support or guide otherstowards success, or when they're

(04:32):
given tasks or take on tasks tohelp their community.
The fourth primary relationshipneed is safety and survival.
When safety and survival areparamount, love and belonging
are rooted in trust, security,reliability and stability.
These individuals prioritizerelationships where they feel

(04:56):
physically and emotionallyprotected.
They need to feel safe andtheir focus is on ensuring that
the people they care about aresafe and secure as well.
Here's an example A person withthis dominant need might
gravitate towards close-knitfamilies or dependable social

(05:18):
circles.
They express care by creatingsafe environments for loved ones
and offer help during crises,or need assurance and ensure
financial stability.
The last primary relationshipneed is love and belonging.
Last meeting, not least ofimportance, just in order that

(05:42):
I'm discussing now, for thosewho prioritize love and
belonging, relationships arebuilt on connection, intimacy,
empathy and support.
These individuals thrive inenvironments where they can
express and receive love freelyand completely unconditionally.

(06:02):
Full acceptance of who they areis important because they also
give that in return.
Here's an example.
Someone driven by love andbelonging may engage in deep
conversations, provide emotionalsupport to friends or partners
or seek out communities thatfoster acceptance and

(06:26):
understanding.
They feel closest when they canshare their vulnerabilities and
be met with compassion and haveothers share their deepest
sides of themselves as well.
I now want to talk about thedark side of love and belonging.
I now want to talk about thedark side of love and belonging.
Despite all the positive aspectsof love and belonging, there

(06:48):
can be a dark side to this needas well.
In some cases, individuals maydevelop an dependent on the

(07:09):
opinions and actions of others.
Additionally, the fear ofrejection or isolation can drive
people to conform to socialnorms or sacrifice their own
values and desires in order tofit in.
This can result in a loss ofindividuality and authenticity.

(07:29):
Caring, compassionate,empathetic people like my ideal
clients tend to forego their ownvalues, needs, boundaries and
aspirations in romanticrelationships and in their
communities.
They think that a form of truelove is being there fully for

(07:50):
their partners and theircommunities.
It's important for individualswho prioritize love and
belonging, to find a balancebetween their need for
connection and their ownself-identity.
By nurturing relationships thatare built on mutual respect,
support and personal growth,they can experience the true

(08:11):
benefits of love and belongingwithout compromising their sense
of self.
Here are some examples of thedark side in relationships.
Number one codependency.
A person may develop anexcessive need for validation or
approval from others, leadingto codependent relationships

(08:34):
where their self-worth reliesentirely on another's opinions
and actions.
Number two loss ofindividuality.
The fear of rejection orisolation can cause someone to
suppress their own values,desires or beliefs just to fit
in with a group or partner,resulting in diminished

(08:55):
authenticity and personalidentity.
Number three over-sacrifice.
Caring and empatheticindividuals might regularly
forego their own needs,boundaries and aspirations for
the sake of relationship.
They also change their plansthat they've already made for

(09:17):
the people they care about.
They may believe thatsacrificing themselves is a form
of true love, which leads toresentment and emotional burnout
.
Number four conformity pressure.
To maintain a sense ofbelonging, individuals might
conform too closely to socialnorms or group or relationship

(09:38):
expectations, even when these goagainst their personal morals,
values or best interests.
Number five emotionalmanipulation when the need for
love and belonging is unmet,regardless of how it is
demonstrated, it may makesomeone vulnerable to
manipulation by others whoexploit this need for their own

(10:02):
gain.
Number six fear-basedattachment.
Relationships can become rootedin fear, such as fear of
abandonment, leading toclinginess, jealousy or
controlling behaviors thatundermine trust and mutual
respect.
Number seven neglectingself-love In prioritizing

(10:24):
connections with others.
Individuals can neglectself-love in prioritizing
connections with others.
Individuals can neglectself-love and acceptance,
weakening their self-esteem andmaking them more susceptible to
unhealthy relationship patterns.
By the way, it's entirelypossible and most likely the
case where these behaviors startvery early on life, based on

(10:45):
our relationships that we had aswe were children and growing up
.
Now let's talk through someexamples of each of these and
how they show up in relationship, behaviors and choices.
Number one codependency.
Jamie constantly checks herphone anxiously awaiting texts

(11:06):
from her partner, sam.
If Sam seems distant or takestoo long to reply, jamie spirals
into self-doubt and panic,convinced she does something
wrong.
She finds herself changing heropinions to please Sam and only
feels good about herself whenSam reassures her.

(11:29):
Her entire sense of worth istied to how Sam responds to her.
Eventually, sam grows weary ofthis behavior.
Number two loss ofindividuality.
Number two loss ofindividuality.

(11:50):
When Priya started dating Jordan, she noticed their friend group
had very different interestsand values than hers.
Afraid they wouldn't accept hertrue self, priya stopped
mentioning her love for paintingand began dressing and speaking
like the rest of the group.
Over time she barely recognizedherself, feeling disconnected

(12:11):
from the hobbies and beliefsthat once brought her joy.
Over-sacrifice.
Ben is known for his empathyand generosity in relationships
With his partner.
He often says yes to plans hedoesn't enjoy and cancels his
own commitments to be availablefor their needs.
He tells himself this is whatlove requires.

(12:37):
But resentment slowly builds ashe realizes his own dreams are
slipping away while trying tomake his partner and friendship
circle happy.
Number four and friendshipcircle happy.
Number four conformity pressure.
In college, emily joined a clubwhere everyone shared similar
political values, ones thatclashed with hers.
Not wanting to feel excluded,she laughed along at jokes she

(12:58):
didn't find funny and agreedwith the opinions that made her
uncomfortable.
Though outwardly accepted bythe group, emily felt
increasingly anxious anddisconnected from her own values
.
Number five emotionalmanipulation.
After a tough breakup, carlosdesperately wanted to feel loved

(13:21):
again when he met someone newwho lavished him with attention
but quickly became demanding andcritical.
Carlos ignored the red andyellow flags.
His fear of losing affectionmade it easy for his new partner
to guilt trip him into doingthings he wasn't comfortable
with.

(13:42):
Number six fear-based attachment.
Whenever Maya senses herboyfriend is pulling away even
slightly, she becomesoverwhelmed by fear of
abandonment and fear ofloneliness.
She starts texting excessively,asking for constant reassurance

(14:03):
and gets jealous over smallthings.
This clinginess causes tension,eroding trust and pushing her
boyfriend further away.
Number seven neglectingself-love.
Olivia pours all her energyinto caring for others her
family friends and romanticpartners, her family friends and

(14:23):
romantic partners whileignoring her own needs and
desires.
She rarely takes time forself-care or acknowledges her
achievements, feeling the formeris selfish and the latter is
too boisterous or bragging.
As a result, olivia'sself-esteem dwindles.

(14:43):
She relies on externalrelationships for validation
instead of cultivating a lovingrelationship with herself.
I want to mention that in eachof these examples, all five
primary relationship needs showup.
I'm not going to go into detailhere around how they work, but

(15:03):
I'm happy to do so on a callwith you.
If you'd like to schedule aconsult, you can do that at
drdarhawkscom and click on thecontact link at the far right to
schedule your no cost and noobligation consultation to see
if relationship coaching andcommunication coaching is the
best fit for you.
Here are other examples of howeach dark side of love and

(15:28):
belonging can show up inrelationship behaviors.
Number one self-sacrifice.
Maya always puts her partner'sneeds above her own, skipping
her art classes and ignoring herfriendships to be available
whenever he asks.
She tells herself that this iswhat true love looks like.
But over time she feels drainedand resentful, realizing she's

(15:50):
lost touch with who she is.
Not only that, over time, herpartner takes this for granted
and expects it from her.
Number two conformity pressure.
After joining a new friendgroup, alex finds himself
laughing at jokes he doesn'tlike and agreeing with opinions
he disagrees with.

(16:10):
He fears speaking up orstanding out, worried that any
sign of difference will lead torejection from the group he so
desperately wants to belong to.
Number three emotionalmanipulation.
Desperate for acceptance, priyaoverlooks red flags in her

(16:31):
relationship.
Her partner senses thisvulnerability and uses guilt,
reminding Priya how lucky she isto be loved, to coerce her into
doing things she'suncomfortable with, knowing
she'll comply, to avoid beingalone.
Number four fear-basedattachment.
Eli's intense fear ofabandonment leads him to

(16:53):
constantly check hisgirlfriend's messages and
whereabouts.
He becomes jealous of herfriends and tries to limit her
social interactions, believingthat controlling her will keep
their relationship secure.
Neglecting self-love, sophiethrows herself into every
relationship, seeking validationfrom others while ignoring her

(17:16):
own needs.
She rarely spends time alone orpursues her personal interests,
feeling empty whenever sheisn't in a relationship because
she has not learned to love andvalue herself independently.
Number six dependency andenmeshment.

(17:37):
Tom and his best friend doeverything together, so much so
that Tom struggles to makedecisions or enjoy hobbies
without consulting his friendfirst.
Their identities blur, makingit hard for Tom to know where
his identity is and where hisfriend's identity starts.
Number seven exclusion andgroupthink.

(18:02):
A tight-knit community beginsostracizing those who question
group traditions.
When Jordan dares to suggest adifferent way of doing things,
the group shuts him down andeventually stops inviting him
altogether.
This is a punishing dissent topreserve a false sense of unity
and belonging.

(18:23):
We want to talk about love andbelonging in context or in
relationship to personal growthand service aspects, when growth
and development are at theforefront, love and belonging
are expressed through personalgrowth, learning and
self-improvement.
These individuals valuerelationships that inspire them
to evolve and challengethemselves.

(18:44):
For example, an individualmotivated by growth might
participate in workshops or seekmentors who help them develop
new skills.
They feel connected when theycan engage in meaningful
discussions about personaldevelopment or collaborate on
projects that promote growth,contribution and service.

(19:05):
With contribution and service,love and belonging are expressed
through acts of kindness,generosity and making a positive
impact on each other's lives.
These individuals findfulfillment in giving back to
their communities andrelationships and, over time,
they also appreciate reciprocity.

(19:25):
Here's an example Someonedriven by contribution may
volunteer regularly or initiatecharitable endeavors.
They feel connected when theycan make a difference alongside
like-minded individuals or whentheir efforts are truly
appreciated and validated bythose they serve.

(19:47):
My point in providing theseexamples is to show you how each
dominant primary relationshipneed shapes how people seek love
and belonging, whether throughhonoring your independence,
which is freedom, sharing joyfulmoments, which is the primary
relationship need, or fungaining respect, which is the

(20:10):
primary relationship need ofpower.
Or building trust, which is theprimary relationship need of
safety and survival.
Understanding your unique blendcan deepen your connections
with yourself and others andcreate a deeper understanding of
each other and yourself.
Understanding your own dominantprimary relationship need,

(20:34):
which is the one is mostimportant to you, as well as
those of your loved ones cangreatly improve communication,
empathy and connection in yourrelationships.
So take the quiz today andlearn what your dominant primary
relationship need is thatdrives your behavior, your
actions and your communication.

(20:55):
You can take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom to better
understand yourself and othersaround you as you move towards
healthier and more fulfillingrelationships.
When I talk about the primaryrelationship need of love and
belonging, I mean it's yourstrong desire to both give love
freely and feel genuinelyaccepted within your communities

(21:18):
and relationships.
Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy ofNeeds beautifully highlights
this, as it's the third level inhis model, a stage where, once
basic survival is secured,humans crave meaningful
relationships.
Love and belonging comes aftersafety and physiological needs,

(21:39):
signaling their vital role inall human relationships.
Understanding this fundamentalneed helps you grasp why fitting
in and feeling valued hold suchsignificance.
It truly influences how youinteract with others, supports
your emotional well-being andestablishes a foundation for

(22:01):
joyful, healthy relationshipsthat respect both giving and
receiving love.
It's also important to definewhat love is and is not, and to
get clear about the healthyaspects of love and belonging
versus the unhealthy aspects,some of which I've already
covered.

(22:23):
Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy ofNeeds presents a truly powerful
framework for understandinghuman motivation.
It's really the start of thatunderstanding.
At its core lies a pyramid withfive levels, each representing
different psychological needs.
The third level, love andbelonging, holds a special place

(22:45):
because it connects you deeplyto others.
This stage follows after yourbasic physiological and safety
needs are met, such as food,water, clothing and shelter, and
this highlights its essentialrole in developing emotional
connection.
I believe no human being canthrive or survive without a

(23:10):
sense of love and belonging andbe a healthy human.
Abraham Maslow's hierarchy ofneeds does illustrate human
motivation as a pyramid withthese five levels.
Number one, physiological needs, basic survival needs such as
food, water, shelter, as I'vementioned previously, safety

(23:32):
needs, security, stability andprotection from harm.
The third one is love andbelonging, which consists of
things like friendship, intimacy, family bonds, group membership
, community, all of which arethe foundation for healthy
relationships and emotionalwell-being.
The fourth one, which istowards the top of the pyramid,

(23:54):
consists of esteem.
Physiological needs are thebottom of the pyramid, followed
by safety needs on top of that,and then love and belonging,
which tends to be the center ofthe pyramid and the grounding
force for all the others.
The fourth one is esteem.
This involves the need forself-esteem and recognition from
others, respect from others anda sense of personal

(24:18):
accomplishment or achievement.
The fifth one, at the very top,is self-actualization, and this
represents the desire to reachone's full potential, achieve
personal growth andself-transcendence.
This is a level that goesbeyond the self and involves
experiences of altruism andspiritual fulfillment.

(24:38):
However, it is love andbelonging that forms the
foundation for these higherlevels, as they provide a sense
of connection, acceptance andsupport in our relationships.
Without love and belonging, itbecomes difficult to explore our
potential or experience truefulfillment in life.
Without love and belonging,it's difficult to focus on

(25:02):
physiological and safety needsas a priority as well, much less
improve our self-esteem.
The love and belonging levelsits at the center of this
hierarchy, and it's a criticalstage where humans crave
authentic connection andacceptance after their basic
needs are met.
But consider this If your basicneeds aren't met and you don't

(25:26):
have a sense of love andbelonging, even self-love, it's
difficult to be a stand and aforce to take actions to ensure
that your basic needs are met.
That said, when love andbelonging are fulfilled, you
feel connected to friends,family, partners and communities

(25:51):
, your emotional healthflourishes, your self-esteem
grows stronger and you'reempowered in your relationships,
as well as reaching for yourhighest potential.
Without them, loneliness anddistress blocks your growth and
motivation for deeperachievement diminishes, much
less the motivation for lookingfor solutions in order to get
your needs met.
Nurturing love and belongingunlocks your path to self-esteem

(26:14):
and self-actualization, andsolidifies the basic
physiological and safety needsas well.
Let's now talk about the role ofunmet love and belonging needs.
Love and belonging, when unmet,are classified as deficiency
needs.
These arise from a sense oflack and create a constant,

(26:37):
intense internal drive tofulfill them.
When these needs remain unmet,you often experience emotional
distress, motivating you to seekout connections that restore
balance, or motivating you toseek out connections that may be
very unhealthy for you, becausethat's better than not having

(27:00):
love and belonging at all, evenif it's a false sense of love.
This explains why formingmeaningful bonds and
relationships is trulyfundamental to your
psychological health.
Let's explore this further.
Love can be seen as the act ofgiving of affection, care and

(27:21):
support towards others and foryourself, without expecting
anything in return.
It is the generous expressionof kindness that nurtures
relationships.
That said, I don't fully buyinto the notion of not expecting
anything in return.
Expecting anything in return.

(27:48):
Love should be reciprocal.
It should be a feeling or asense of nurturing exchange.
Belonging, by contrast, isabout receiving affirmation,
acceptance and validation, andfitting in within groups or
close relationships.
It's the feeling of beingvalued just as you are, for who
you are Quirks, flaws, gifts,strengths and all.

(28:08):
It's also about finding yourcommunity, where you fit in,
feel safe and are accepted forwho you are here.
This is the reciprocitycomponent of love.
The difference between love andbelonging lies in this dynamic
Love emphasizes what you offer.
Belonging focuses on what youreceive.

(28:29):
Yet they are inseparablepartners in healthy
relationships.
One flourishes when the otheris present and diminishes when
the other is not.
Love is not just about giving.
It's about creating a spacewhere belonging can grow.
Without love's active giving,belonging feels hollow.

(28:51):
Without belonging's acceptance,love struggles to thrive.
Together, they build thefoundation for authentic
emotional connection and healthycommunication, one that
supports your growth andwell-being at every stage of
life and that of yourrelationships.
I now want to cover componentsof love and belonging in

(29:13):
different types of relationships.
Love and belonging findexpression through a variety of
emotional relationships, eachcontributing uniquely to your
sense of connection andfulfillment.
These relationships form theweb of support that nurtures
your heart and soul.
Number one friendships.

(29:34):
Friendships providecompanionship, trust and shared
experiences.
They are spaces where you giveaffection freely and receive
affirmation without judgment orcriticism.
True friends and partnerscelebrate your victories and
hold you gently through thechallenges, creating a vital

(29:54):
sense of belonging.
They're not just there for youin the good times, but also the
difficult and challenging times.
In the good times, but also thedifficult and challenging times
.
Number two family bonds.
Family bonds often serve asyour first introduction to love
and belonging.
Whether by blood or choice,family ties offer a foundation

(30:15):
of unconditional acceptance.
When they are healthy, theseconnections teach you early
lessons about trust, loyalty andemotional safety.
Number three romanticrelationships.
Romantic relationships deepenyour experience of love by
cultivating intimacy,vulnerability and mutual care.

(30:37):
Here, love is actually andactively given through attention
, kindness and support, whilebelonging is felt in being seen,
valued, heard and embraced forwho you truly are.
Number four membership insocial groups or communities.
Beyond personal connections,membership in social groups or

(31:00):
communities plays a criticalrole in nurturing belonging.
Whether it's a book club,spiritual community or volunteer
organization, these groupsprovide shared identity and
collective affirmation.
Being part of something largerthan yourself anchors you in a
network of acceptance that feedsyour emotional well-being.

(31:21):
Each relationship type that I'mcovering here adds layers to
the depth of love and belonging,which only you can define and
determine the extent to whichyou feel fulfilled in your love
and belonging need.
The fifth one is chosen family.
Chosen family consists of thoseindividuals who may not be

(31:47):
related to you by blood but havebecome an essential part of
your support network.
Chosen family contributessignificantly to your sense of
love and belonging.
Chosen family provides a senseof safety, understanding and
acceptance that actually rivalsthat of biological or legal
family bonds.

(32:09):
Number six self-acceptance andself-love.
Lastly, love and belongingstart from within you.
Cultivating self-love andself-acceptance is essential to
establish a solid foundation foryour healthy relationships and
your sense of belonging in theworld.

(32:30):
Embracing your strengths andimperfections, setting
boundaries boundaries andprioritizing self-care and
self-esteem and self-love areall vital components of building
a strong sense of love andbelonging within yourself.
The thing about self-love andacceptance is that the degree to

(32:50):
which you have self-love andacceptance for yourself is
mirrored through therelationships that you attract.
So the less you love yourself,the tendency is to attract
people who may not appreciateyou, who may not value you, who
may take advantage of you as anexample.

(33:11):
So it's important to know thatlove and belonging needs are
multifaceted, deeply personalexperiences that you can nurture
and be nurtured through yourvarious relationships, from
family to romantic connections,your social groups, chosen
family and, most importantly andultimately, within yourself.
Understanding these differentsources can help you navigate

(33:43):
your own needs for love andbelonging, while building
meaningful connections thatnourish your emotional
well-being.
Let's now discuss thepsychological impact of unmet
love and belonging needs.
The primary relationship needof love and belonging does hold
immense power when it comes toyour mental, emotional, physical
and spiritual health.
When this need goes unmetthrough any of the above
relationship types, deepemotional wounds can develop,

(34:08):
leading to significantpsychological challenges.
Unfulfilled love and belongingoften manifest as loneliness,
which is a profound sense ofisolation that goes beyond
physical solitude.
It's that aching feeling of notbeing seen or valued or heard
by others.

(34:29):
Social anxiety, fear andapprehension around social
interactions may arise from alack of confidence in one's
acceptance within groups orrelationships.
Depression, persistent sadnessand hopelessness can stem from
the belief that connection andaffection are out of reach.

(34:49):
Difficulty trusting others, astruggle to rely on or open up
to people, often due to pastexperiences of rejection or
neglect.
Low self-worth, chronic feelingsof inadequacy or unworthiness
stemming from a perceived lackof acceptance or love.

(35:10):
Emotional numbness, suppressingemotions or feeling
disconnected from your ownfeelings as a defense mechanism
against potential hurt ordisappointment, whether real or
imagined.
People-pleasing behaviors,overextending yourself to gain

(35:31):
approval.
Fearing abandonment if youassert your own needs.
Fear of intimacy, avoidingclose relationships out of
concern that vulnerability willlead to further rejection.
Envy or resentment.
Feeling bitterness.
Envy or resentment, feelingbitterness toward others who

(35:54):
seem to have fulfillingrelationships, or being jealous,
which can reinforce isolation.
Difficulty setting boundaries,allowing others to overstep
personal limits in hope ofgaining acceptance and avoiding
conflict.
Self-criticism, engaging innegative self-talk, believing

(36:16):
that any rejection or lack ofacceptance is a reflection of
personal flaws.
Escapist behaviors.
Seeking solace in distractionslike excessive work, substance
abuse or technology use to avoidconfronting feelings of
loneliness.
Physical health impactsProlonged isolation and chronic

(36:40):
loneliness have been linked toincreased risk of cardiovascular
disease, weakened immune systemand mental health disorders.
Social withdrawal, withdrawingfrom social activities and
avoiding interaction with othersas a means of self-protection,
which further perpetuatesfeelings of isolation.

(37:02):
Seeking love and belonging inthe workplace.
The workplace can become asubstitute for personal
relationships, as individualsseek validation and a sense of
belonging from colleagues ormanagers.
This results in blurredboundaries between work and
personal life, which actuallyleads to stress, increased

(37:22):
stress and burnout, and isunsustainable.
Seeking love and belonging inthe workplace is really not the
place to get those needsfulfilled.
And when things happen in theworkplace such that you might
lose your job, the sense of lossis really ginormous because you

(37:45):
lose everything if you don'thave love and belonging in your
own life outside of theworkplace.
The emotional toll, the lack ofgenuine connections, can take a
toll on your emotionalwell-being, which leads to
feelings of emptiness, sadnessand despair.
The influence ondecision-making A lack of love

(38:07):
and belonging can impact yourdecision-making processes, as
individuals may seek immediaterelief or gratification without
considering long-termconsequences of unhealthy
choices.
An increase in potential foraddiction In the absence of love
and belonging combined withhealthy coping mechanisms,

(38:31):
individuals may turn toaddictive behaviors or
substances or unhealthyrelationships as a mean of
numbing the pain of loneliness,because that is better than
nothing, which is a fallacy.
The negative impact on mentalhealth A lack of love and
belonging, and consequentlyloneliness, contributes to the

(38:51):
development or exacerbation ofmental health issues such as
depression or anxiety.
Negative self-perception.
Chronic loneliness can lead toa distorted view of oneself,
reinforcing feelings ofunworthiness or undesirability.
Reduced life satisfaction.

(39:12):
The absence of meaningfulconnections and support networks
can diminish overall lifesatisfaction and well-being.
A vicious cycle a lack of loveand belonging and consequently,
loneliness often creates aself-perpetuating cycle where

(39:33):
the emotional effects make itmuch more challenging to form
and maintaining relationships,which then leads to further
isolation.
I want to highlight theimportance of social support.
Research shows that havingstrong social support networks
can mitigate the negativeeffects of a lack of love and

(39:54):
belonging and loneliness andcontribute to your overall and
contribute to better overallhealth and your well-being.
Recognizing these manifestationsis essential for understanding
how your love, how your unmetlove and belonging needs impact
your mental, emotional, physicaland spiritual health and

(40:15):
inspire and motivate you to takesteps towards healing and
connection.
These impacts remind you justhow essential the primary
relationship need of love andbelonging is, not simply for
happiness, but for your overallpsychological well-being.
Embracing love and belongingnurtures resilience, restores

(40:40):
hope and creates fertile groundfor your healing and growth.
The emotional pain from unmetlove and belonging needs can
have far-reaching effects,impacting your overall
well-being, your self-esteem andyour ability to form healthy
relationships.
Without a sense of love andbelonging, it can become

(41:02):
difficult to move through lifein a healthy way, find joy in
everyday experiences andcultivate a positive sense of
self.
These mental healthconsequences affect more than
your mood.
They influence your ability toengage fully in life, trust
others and nurture yourself.

(41:23):
Without the foundation of loveand belonging, feelings of
unworthiness can take a hit,leaving us vulnerable to
self-doubt, over-analysis,people-pleasing and emotional
withdrawal.
There is an urgency to seekingsupport when there's a lack of
love and belonging or there is apast situation that has not

(41:48):
been healed or resolved due tolack of love and belonging and
that's a past situation or pastrelationship.
It could even be in a currentrelationship that's estranged or
a relationship that's reallychallenging or difficult.
Recognizing and addressingfeelings of unmet love and
belonging needs from your pastand current relationships is

(42:10):
really essential.
Seeking professional help canprovide valuable support to heal
from these impacts and theconsequences of unmet love and
belonging needs.
Please know that these impactsare not permanent and they truly
can be addressed throughself-reflection, relationship

(42:31):
coaching, by working withsomeone like myself and building
meaningful connections.
Here are some practical ways nowto nurture love and belonging
within yourself.
Building a strong foundation oflove and belonging within
yourself is a crucial, essentialand, dare I say, beginning step

(42:52):
towards healing and growth.
One important lesson in life isthat when you learn to love and
accept yourself, it opens thedoor for you to attract loving
relationships with others, eventhose who you've had
relationships with but have notexactly been of the love and
belonging ilk.
This journey begins with kindand accepting words to yourself

(43:17):
and understanding that youdeserve love and a sense of
belonging, exactly as you are.
Practicing self-care andengaging in activities that
bring you joy and fulfillmentalso will help build love and
belonging within yourself.
Surround yourself with peoplewho support and uplift you, and
this will create a sense ofbelonging in your social circles

(43:38):
.
Stay open to new connectionsand experiences and take the
initiative to reach out andbuild meaningful relationships.
To reach out and buildmeaningful relationships, have
conversations that talk about.
You know, our relationshiptends to be very surface level.
I'd really like to have a moremeaningful, deeper relationship

(44:02):
with you and get to know eachother more intimately.
Are you open to that?
Well, what would that look like?
Let's talk about what thatwould look like, and that opens
a window and a door to creatingsomething new with someone
you've already had arelationship with.
Healing and growth are ongoingprocesses, but by prioritizing
love and belonging withinyourself, you can create a solid
foundation for a morefulfilling life.

(44:24):
Here are some more practicalways to cultivate love and
belonging Practiceself-compassion.
Treat yourself with the samekindness, understanding and
forgiveness that you give toothers or that you would offer
to a loved one.
Engage in activities you enjoymore often than not.
Pursue hobbies, interests andpassions that bring you joy and

(44:46):
a sense of fulfillment.
Surround yourself with positiveinfluences.
Seek out supportive friends,family members or communities
who uplift and validate yourworth.
This is something thatrelationship coaching can also
provide you with.
It's not just about talkingabout your relationships.
It's about helping you tap intothe immense potential within

(45:11):
yourself to become a betterperson, a better partner and a
better individual.
In all your relationships,ensure you're thinking and
speaking about yourself also ina positive and compassionate
manner a positive andcompassionate manner.
Practice empathy.
Put yourself in the shoes ofothers.
Seek to understand theirexperiences and show them

(45:35):
kindness and compassion, andthen do that for yourself.
Practice empathy for yourself.
This creates connection, butalso and also helps you create a
deeper understanding ofyourself.
Set healthy boundaries.
Learn to say no and not feelbad or guilty about it when
necessary, and establish andmaintain healthy boundaries in

(45:57):
your relationships.
This ensures that your needsare met and prevents feelings of
resentment or neglect.
Prioritize your needs first andestablish clear boundaries in
your relationships to ensuremutual respect and emotional
safety.
Also, know what you'll do andsay when boundaries are crossed.

(46:18):
Cultivate self-awareness.
Reflect on past experiences andpatterns to gain insight into
your attachment style and areasthat require healing.
I'm happy to define attachmentstyles and what they mean during
a free consultation if youwould like to schedule one with
me.
I'm not going to go into thattoday in this podcast, but may

(46:43):
possibly include it in a futurepodcast.
But may possibly include it ina future podcast.
You can book your consult atdrdarhawkscom and click the
contact link on the top rightNumber.
Seven practice gratitudeRegularly.
Acknowledge and appreciate thelove and belonging that already
exists in your life, whetherit's from pets, friends or

(47:04):
nature, and acknowledge andappreciate things that you've
done and appreciate who you are.
And lastly, seek professionalsupport.
Consider working with a coachwho specializes in relationships
and can provide guidance oncreating love and belonging
within yourself and in yourrelationships.

(47:25):
Belonging within yourself andin your relationships.
If you're struggling withdeep-rooted issues or finding it
difficult to cultivateself-love, consider relationship
coaching.
A trained, professionalrelationship coach can provide
you guidance and support on yourjourney towards healing and
self-acceptance, as well ascreating healthy relationships.

(47:47):
If you'd like to see ifrelationship coaching with me is
a fit for you, please doschedule a consult, and you can
do that by going todrdahrhawkscom and clicking the
contact link at the top.
I would love to speak with you,learn more about you and see

(48:07):
how I can support you.
Nurturing love and belonging isan ongoing process that requires
your patience andself-compassion.
By investing in your ownwell-being and cultivating a
sense of love and belongingwithin yourself, you'll create a
solid foundation for buildinghealthy, fulfilling

(48:28):
relationships with others.
But not only that you willstart attracting amazing things
to your life and to you when youactivate the energy of love and
belonging within yourself.
It truly is amazing whathappens when you shift your body
, mind and spirit and energytowards the foundation of love

(48:52):
and belonging.
As I've said previously, yourpath to love and belonging
starts from within.
By practicing self-love,surrounding yourself with
positive influences, cultivatingempathy, cultivating empathy
and cultivating empathy, you cancreate a life filled with

(49:13):
meaningful connections and adeep sense of belonging.
Healing and building a sense oflove and belonging is also an
ongoing process.
Be patient with yourself.
Don't be embarrassed orhumiliated or feel like you have
to figure this out for yourself.
Seek professional support.
Designing spaces that encouragebelonging means cultivating

(49:33):
emotional safety.
When people feel accepted andvalued, they're more likely to
open up and engage deeply.
When they feel safe, they openup Some emotional supports.
Here are some emotional supportstrategies Welcome diverse
perspectives without judgment,criticism, interrupting,

(49:56):
injecting your opinion, therebymaking room for everyone's voice
, regardless of the type ofrelationship.
This is A partner, a familymember, a friend, a co-worker.
Welcoming diverse perspectivesis important to your growth as
well.
Encourage vulnerability bysharing your own experiences and
emotions first.

(50:16):
That shows people you'recreating a safe place and you
feel safe, and they will tend tomirror that.
Recognize achievements andmilestones within your
relationships or communitygroups and for yourself, and
don't be afraid to ask forothers to recognize you for
specific achievements and whatit took to accomplish them.

(50:39):
It's important to acknowledgeall the work that it took to get
there as well, and detailingthe specifics around the work
that it took to get there aswell, and detailing the
specifics around the work thatyou did.
Establish rituals or traditions.
This creates a sense of unityand shared identity.
Building these environmentsalso requires patience, but also

(51:01):
, and more importantly,consistency.
But it does pay off with richer, more satisfying relationships
and you will feel better aboutyourself.
I want to touch on theimportance of love and belonging
and personal growth now throughunderstanding Maslow's
hierarchy.
According to psychologistAbraham Maslow, our needs can be
organized into a hierarchy thatI've explained before.

(51:24):
At the base are basic needslike food and shelter, but as we
fulfill those, we seek higherlevel needs such as love and
belonging, self-esteem and,ultimately, self-actualization,
which is about becoming the bestversion of yourself, and that
is what I am here to help you do, along with having the best

(51:44):
version of your relationships.
Do along with having the bestversion of your relationships.
So let's talk now about howlove and belonging supports
growth.
Meeting your needs for love andbelonging is crucial for moving
up in the hierarchy.
In Maslow's hierarchy, when youhave genuine connections with
others and feel accepted for whoyou are, it strengthens your

(52:07):
confidence and self-worth.
Here's how Number one positiveself-image.
Instead of relying on externalvalidation or approval from
others, you develop a healthyself-image.
You develop a healthyself-image based on authentic
relationships.
Number two exploration withoutfear.

(52:29):
With the support of loved onesor your community, you feel safe
to explore your potential andpursue your passions without the
fear of being rejected orisolated.
Number three or isolated Numberthree resilience through

(52:51):
support.
Loving and healthyrelationships provide you with
emotional support duringdifficult times, helping you
bounce back from thosechallenges.
I want to touch on the impact onyour mental well-being again.
Love and belonging play a vitalrole in nurturing your mental
well-being.
Love and belonging play a vitalrole in nurturing your mental
well-being.
When you have strongconnections with others, it
reduces feelings of lonelinessand fosters a sense of security.

(53:14):
This positive environmentallows your inner voice to
affirm that you are enough,which is essential for building
healthy self-esteem, forbuilding healthy self-esteem.
With a solid foundation ofself-esteem in place, your
journey towardsself-actualization becomes more
attainable.
Instead of viewing it as anunrealistic goal or distant

(53:37):
dream, one that you ignore, youcan take actionable steps
towards realizing your fullpotential.
The relationships you cultivateact as mirrors reflecting your
worth back to you.
They encourage you to growbeyond just meeting basic
survival needs and explore yourunique gifts, creativity and

(54:01):
purpose.
When love and belonging coexistharmoniously in your life, when
you feel loved by others whilealso experiencing true belonging
, it creates an environmentconducive to personal
transformation.
In this space, you areempowered to embrace all aspects

(54:22):
of yourself aspects of yourself.
You find motivation to pursueactivities that bring you joy.
You discover new ways ofexpressing yourself creatively.
This synergy between feelingloved and fully accepted with
belonging becomes fertile groundwhere your personal growth

(54:43):
flourishes.
Love and belonging is apowerful catalyst propelling you
towards becoming the bestversion of yourself.
Now it's time for you to takeaction.
Discover your dominant primaryrelationship need through this
quiz.
Understanding your dominantprimary relationship need, your

(55:05):
secondary need and how the otherthree needs operate within you
is a powerful step towardscreating joyful, healthy
connections.
The Relationship Needs Quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom that's
needsdrdarhawkscom offers asimple, insightful way to

(55:30):
uncover what matters most to you, starting with the primary
relationship need of love andbelonging.
By taking this quiz, you cangain clarity on which needs
actually drive your feelings offulfillment and happiness in
relationships.
You will recognize how love andbelonging shape your emotional

(55:51):
well-being and you'll learnpractical ways to nurture these
needs consciously in your dailyinteractions and within yourself
.
Awareness transforms how yougive and receive love,
empowering you to build betterrelationships and cultivate
environments where both you andthose around you feel truly

(56:13):
valued, heard, and safe andaccepted.
Your journey towards balanced,meaningful relationships begins
by knowing what you need, andthis quiz is designed to guide
you there with compassion andinsight.
Take the first step today.
Open your browser Type inneedsdrdarhawkscom, hit enter

(56:38):
and scroll to take the quiz.