As soon as General Abner died, two raider gang leaders decided to regicide Ish-Bosheth, making Israel temporarily king-less. Soon after, however, they all swore allediance to King David and poured oil all over his head. David thanked the raiders by cutting off their heads and feet and hanging their bodies up by his swimming pool.
David wasted no time and started fucking and killing as much as he could. He reclaimed Jerusalem and the Ark of the Covenant, and killed a bunch of people for no reason, as well as hamstringing a bunch of innocent horses. Then he got wasted, took off his clothes, and started dancing for the slave girls.
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