David (having been overthrown by his very hairy and sexy son) was staying out in the wilderness a few miles from Jerusalem. He started making friends with the locals and he, alongside his loyalists, started building an army up, just in case Absalom decided to attack.
Absalom was too busy fucking all of his dad's sex slaves to notice at first, but eventually had his two advisors discuss whether he should attack now or later. He took the advice to attack later, not only giving David the chance to build an army, but also causing one of his advisors to commit suicide as well.
Absalom's army approached David and David's men wiped the floor with them, with the help of the forest of Ephraim that was eating Absalom's men for dinner. Finally Absalom got his hair caught in a tree and Joab, David' General, stabbed three javelins through his heart and then had his men beat him to death as he hung there by his hair.
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