September 15, 2025 • 66 mins
Imagine having to choose a supernatural roommate from a lineup of legendary cryptids. Would you go with the reliable Bigfoot who fixes everything and brings home free firewood? Maybe Mothman's ability to predict disasters and text you "don't go to Costco today" seems appealing?
In this wildly entertaining crossover episode, we're joined by the crew from the Time Pals podcast for a game of "Cryptid Roommate Roulette." As their self-appointed real estate agent, Angi presents five thoroughly researched (and completely fabricated) cryptid tenant applications, complete with credit scores, rental histories, and household habits.
The conversation takes hilarious turns as we debate which monsters would make good drinking buddies, game night companions, and how they'd handle household disputes. Our Time Pals guests bring their signature humor as they weigh important roommate qualities like Chupacabra's aggressive bug elimination skills and Jersey Devil's tendency to assert dominance by peeing in the laundry room.
By the end, each guest makes their roommate selection, revealing surprising insights about their own living preferences and personality. Whether you're Team Bigfoot or Team Mothman, this episode will have you laughing while contemplating which supernatural entity you'd be willing to split the rent with.
Listen now, and then tell us on social media: which cryptid would YOU choose as a roommate?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Which one gives out raccoons.
Which one gives out raccoons?
Which one's domesticatingraccoons?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
That was Bigfoot, wasn't it?
That was Bigfoot.
Bigfoot's got the army ofraccoons.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
He's just going to show up like Christoph from
Frozen, but instead of littlerock trolls, it's a bunch of
fucking raccoons.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I mean, I'm not against that.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Bigfoot being down for game night.
He'd be down for game night.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Likes.
He likes a good.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
Uno game.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
I feel like if he's like hipsters, it's going to be
like he used a CNC set to createhis own rare wood version of
Settlers of Catan that he wantsyou to play on.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
The Oregon Trail, the board game.
Before we begin today's episode, we would like to share a quick
disclaimer.
The views, opinions andstatements expressed by the
hosts and guests on this podcastare their own personal views
and are provided in their owncapacity.
(01:09):
All content is editorial,opinion-based and intended for
entertainment purposes only.
Listener discretion is advised.
Welcome back, weirdos, toanother episode of Black Curtain
Club, where things go bump inthe night and probably don't pay
rent.
This is Angie with myride-or-die leather-clad co-host
(01:31):
Kyle, and joining us tonightare some very special guests
from the Time Pals podcast.
A couple months ago, we made aghostly appearance on their
podcast and now they're in ourrealm and they're here to learn
about a problem they didn't knowthat they had.
So, with that, how is everyone,and do you want to take some
time to introduce yourselves toour listeners and talk about
(01:54):
your podcast?
Speaker 5 (01:55):
Yeah, so this is Mike underscore, producer and
co-host of the time pals.
And before anything else, madam, I will have you know that I'm
drinking from a novelty plasticwine glass in the shape of a
skull right now, so there is noway this bullshit you're going
to try to throw at us is goingto affect me in any way.
Nothing is scarier in thismoment than a bunch of haunted
(02:16):
dinosaurs.
I'm just telling you so.
My three little time pals arefour geek dads.
We're the Time Pals, our fourgeek dads.
We decided to squander ourmidlife crisis by diving
(02:38):
headfirst into podcasting versusactually doing something
constructive like barbecuing orbeer making or, in the case of
Mr McBeardface, doing anythingmanly whatsoever.
But the other three thatusually join me?
There's John Powell and there'sNickel, and then we have
somebody who's not here with ustoday, which is Shadows Garden.
I want to throw it back to oneof my co-hosts, the lovely,
handsome John Powell.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Oh, thank you, I'll take that.
Yeah, speaking of bumping thenight last night I definitely
went bumping the night because Islammed my curse on this
podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
For the love of God, just don't say fuck or cunt or
twat or shit.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Oh, okay, Because I was going to say I hit my shit
on that fucking cunt of a bedframe of mine.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
You survived.
Speaker 5 (03:15):
Yes, I did.
Are you done, John?
No, never.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Until you take it from me violently.
Damn it you done, john.
We have no, never until youtake it from me violently and
then excuse me, I apologize forthat.
Speaker 5 (03:31):
So the other that came with us today is nickel.
He's basically the creativewhore.
He's a creative whore behindthe podcast.
He's a creative horse behindthe Time Pals and his name is
Nick.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
I love creative horse .
Speaker 4 (03:50):
Thank you for having me.
I'm the creative whore.
I guess I do this instead ofgoing to therapy.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Valid, very valid.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Therapy is expensive.
Speaker 5 (04:06):
Alcohol is cheap Nickle is Irish.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
There you go, you go, there you go oh I'm sorry, it's
scottish.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I believe in fact, you were at your, your people's
festival this weekend, nickel,it's all.
Speaker 5 (04:20):
So, as a brown person , it to be fair, you guys all
look alike.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
As a brown person.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
He's very racially ambiguous.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
This is true.
Well, I'm so glad you guys havejoined us.
We're going to have a lot offun, I can tell so, with that.
Oh, I guess I should ask Kyle,how are you?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Oh, I'm here.
Yeah, no, you're here, you knowknow, I'm just here, I'm just,
I'm just here.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
so I don't get sued.
Well, to be honest, I have agame of sorts for you guys that
I have now lovingly called thisuh, cryptid roommateate Roulette
.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Wait a minute.
I thought we were going to turnthe lights off and play who's
in my Mouth.
Is this the wrong episode?
Speaker 2 (05:12):
This is a very wrong episode.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Ah, shit, alright, my bad.
Speaker 5 (05:15):
We'll do that for Christmas.
I'm just gonna know who it is.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
So the rules of this game are pretty simple.
Um, you have a spare room thatyou're going to rent out and I,
as your real estate agent, havenarrowed it down to five
potential candidates.
I've done the research, thebackground checks, um, and by
the end of this you'll have tochoose one roommate.
(05:47):
And just so you know, these arereal files, completely
confidential.
They're deeply unverified andabsolutely paranormal.
So with that we're going tostart out with the first one,
who I've I've labeled candidateprivacy loving handyman with
(06:09):
composting opinions.
This is otherwise known asbigfoot, his, his last rental
history includes, uh, homes inplaces in the pacific, northwest
, in the appalachians, andbasically wherever the trail
goes is where he typically endsup.
Um, he prefers to pay his rentin cash, but it's always in a
(06:36):
flannel envelope.
He occasionally barters withstacked firewood.
As as far as his credit score,his credit score is kind of
off-grid, but he does have very,very outstanding references
from three park rangers and avery earnest Cabela's cashier.
(06:56):
So some of his pros are that heloves to fix everything doors,
outlets, the weird hum in therefrigerator.
He is a yard work machine.
He, you know, like mulch willjust appear like forest magic.
(07:19):
Um, he is that cannon forbigfoot.
Speaker 5 (07:24):
Is that something like?
Speaker 1 (07:26):
he goes to hollow earth to get it.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Okay, Okay, Go go ahead.
I'm sorry, I just I'm like whendid this become a big foot?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
He's um good as a deterrent to like porch pirates
and influencers.
He's good at reaching topshelves, but the cons are that
you will have hair everywhere.
The shower drain literallybecomes its own cryptid.
He has a tendency to track pineneedles and size 26 footprints
(07:59):
across the rug.
And he also will notparticipate in your roommate
TikToks your podcast anything,because he values mystery.
His work history is that he isa seasonal trail maintenance
person plus a wilderness guide.
He side hustles sellingethically forged mushrooms and
(08:26):
artisanal walking sticks.
He does convention appearancesfor fees in October and that's
pretty much it for hisemployment history.
Some of his habits include helikes to have coffee at dawn on
the balcony.
He's very silent.
He does like the ferment thingslike kombucha, sauerkraut and a
specialty he calls swamp tea.
(08:48):
He also likes to stack stonesfor vibes and I will tell you
that he's had some HOA disputesover the stones.
He has a house rule that notrail cams are allowed in the
inside of the home, not evenironically.
Another thing that puts himkind of in the green flag
(09:08):
category is that he can reallyhelp you rearrange your
furniture.
He can lift a couch solo.
He loves to label things in hexkey and again, he brings home
free firewood.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
So he's from Portland .
Speaker 5 (09:24):
God, he's just any dude from Portland I was going
to say the same thing Any dudefrom Portland.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Everything you've read is just anyone's resume.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
If you just throw a stone in Seattle, you will find
this person.
I swear to fucking Christ, justwalk around.
We're on the West Coast.
You have no idea how accuratethis is right now.
Coast.
You have no idea how accuratethis is right now.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
The only other red flag that he has is that he
loves to domesticate raccoons,and he does have a raccoon
that's with him all the time,named Douglas.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Wait, how is that a red flag?
Speaker 4 (09:58):
That's green flag all the way.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
That's green flag.
Okay, can I?
Speaker 4 (10:03):
already pick Bigfoot.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Yeah, the kombucha is all the way.
That's green flag.
Okay, can I already pickBigfoot?
Yeah, the kombucha is thekombucha is the red flag.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
Yeah, that's the red flag Kombucha.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Is his cosign still the six million dollar man?
I love a good kombucha.
There is no way.
You drink kombucha.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I have like a six pack in the fridge right now.
Turn on your camera.
Speaker 5 (10:25):
Show me the car facts .
There is no way you drinkkombucha.
I have like a six pack in thefridge right now.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Moving on.
Turn on your camera.
It's like show me the car facts.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
All right, so our next one is the anxious safety
inspector who is?
Otherwise known as MothmanMothman, is obviously from West
Virginia.
Mothman Mothman is obviouslyfrom West Virginia and although
he has rental history worldwide,he pretty much has always been
(10:56):
a West Virginia resident as faras the way he pays his rent and
his credit score, so he doesalways pay on time.
He prefers to pay by Venmo.
He prefers to pay by Venmo andhis credit score is 780, but it
will dip down to like 420 everytime a disaster is foretold.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Define disaster because like a disaster's credit
score or like 9-11?
It's all bridge related.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Right, it's all bridge related yeah, some of his
pros include that he's a nightowl.
He really kind of acts as yourown personal security cam.
He notices every creak, everyleak, every wire that seems to
be illegal.
He's going to catch it.
He has foldable wings, so he'skind of like a free box van for
(11:43):
the living room.
So he's kind of like a free boxfan for the living room and, uh
, he brings his own red moodlighting to any situation with
his eyes, whether you want himto or not whether you want him
to or not.
So that could be a con if you'renot really into mood lighting.
Uh, the con is he is forebodingabout everything the toaster,
(12:05):
aquariums, just a random Tuesday, Everything's foreboding.
He has a tendency to shedshimmering feathers and you know
he cries at the vacuum cleaner.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
He sounds like every Italian mother-in-law.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
It's the shimmering feathers, isn't it?
Speaker 5 (12:28):
It's the shimmering feathers.
My wife is half Italian, halfMexican.
This is so close to what Ialready lived with.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
I use the plastic covered furniture.
Speaker 5 (12:38):
You know, everything harms, like some saint you've
ever heard of.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
He's a freelance omen consultant and which has like
seasonal surge pricing aroundinfrastructure, so he makes a
decent living definitely um someof his habits are that he likes
to perch on the refrigerator towatch the weather.
He doesn't stay in one place fortoo long, so he may be a
(13:07):
short-term resident.
One of his house rules thathe'll fight for is no
unsolicited bridge talk atdinner or really any time.
No bridge talk, no bridge.
Some of the other things thathe has going for him is that
he's very good at returning yourtupperware.
(13:29):
He will text you don't go tocostco today, and every time, 10
out of 10.
He's always right.
He's always right about costco,okay, um, he's really good at
finding lost things, uh,especially keys, for some reason
, and he's very punctual, if nota little early, for important
(13:51):
events, and he loves to be partof historical events.
Former landlords say that hehas a tendency to stare at light
fixtures for long hours andhe's consistently muttering
(14:12):
cryptic messages under hisbreath, like don't go to work
tomorrow.
He brings pigeons home just totalk to them, and one of his
roommates did unfortunately gomissing after ignoring a
prophecy.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
So that's candidate mothman I mean fuck a boot and
find it son.
You know what I mean.
I just I don't know why, butyou said the thing about sitting
on the.
I literally just pictured likean eight foot fucking moth just
isn't he really big?
Yeah, he's huge I just, Iliterally just pictured mothman
like I had a family guy cutawayscene in my head.
(14:49):
I was just like go to get likemilk at like 2 am and I just
opened the fridge door andmothman's just there just
perched.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
To be fair, I've also just randomly told people I
don't like they're gonna diethat day, just in the hope that
when it happens it feels like Iactually did something.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
I actually put something in the universe.
Are you Mothman?
Speaker 5 (15:11):
No, no, but every now and again when Nickel's
annoying, I'm like Nickel, thisis it for you.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
Yep, yep.
And then I sign my will over toyou every time, but I never end
up dying.
Speaker 5 (15:27):
No, he's a survivor.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Oh, you know what I started.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
You beat me by like five seconds, so the next one
that we have is the chaoticcousin who knows a guy.
Does anybody want to take aguess at who this candidate is?
Speaker 4 (15:47):
It's got to be the chupacabra.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
No, dang, it Dang it.
Speaker 4 (15:56):
I took a guess.
Nobody else took a guess.
You were strong, you werestrong.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
That was with conviction, yeah.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
What about, like that bad omens are happening for you
, my friend?
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Oh, okay, alright, I'll talk to my lawyer tomorrow
and I'll get more money sentover to you, Mike, I think I
only know one other cryptid thanthe two we've done and the one
that Nickel just shouted yeah,the Jersey Devil is the only
other.
Nickel just shouted yeah, theJersey Devil is the only other
one I know.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Bing, bing, bing.
This is it, the Jersey Devil.
Yeah, the Jersey Devil.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Of course, because he knows a guy Of all the guests.
He knows a guy.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I didn't even link it to that.
I'm just like.
I only know one more.
Let's see if it's that.
I know a guy.
I didn't even link it to that.
I'm just like.
I only know one more.
Let's see if it's that, oh,dang it.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
He knows a guy Come on, good guess what.
You got some disaster goingdown, I'll take care of it.
I know a guy, don't worry aboutit.
Forget about it Fell off atruck.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
So his location, history, people in southwestern
United States and Mexico, theyknow people too.
I'm just saying you know,chupacabra wasn't a bad guess.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Moving on.
So his location, history is,you know, obviously the Pine
Barrens, and also he has beenknown to live in just about
every Wawa parking lot.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Have you been to?
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Wawa.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
Have you been to?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Jersey recently.
What's?
Speaker 5 (17:35):
a Wawa.
I don't know what that is.
We're from.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
California.
It's like Northeast Buc-ee's,but it sucks.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
I love Buc-ee's so much.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
Yeah, but you know what?
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Buc-ee's is though right.
Speaker 5 (17:48):
Yes, I drive out of my way.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
I drive out of my way by about 45 minutes every time
I go to either Dallas or Austinjust to go to Buc-ee's and stock
up.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I love Buc-ucky's so much.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Beaver Nuggets for the win?
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
So he will pay rent in crisp $10 bills that always
smell faintly of hoagies and hiscredit score is amazingly 666.
And he claims it's quoteunquote on brand.
So some of his pros are that hecan parallel park anything,
(18:35):
including your feelings.
He knows every shortcut, everytoll hack, every gas station
that has good ice.
He's very protective.
If someone takes your parkingspot they will hear hooves.
He has been banned in 12different apartment complex for
(18:59):
noise complaints, fire damageand general demonic ambience
complaints, fire damage andgeneral demonic ambience.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
but I put this in the pro because generally your
neighbors will leave you aloneif he's your roommate, okay, so
everything that he's been kickedout for are we're still talking
about the devil, or just anyonefrom like atlantic city, like
anyone from like south jersey.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
I'm pretty sure you've just read their dossier
so some of his cons are that youwill have to get used to
hearing hoof clatter at 3 am.
He has a tendency to pace whenhe's brainstorming, so just,
you're just gonna have to getused to the hooves.
There is an occasional tailsinge on curtains.
(19:41):
Um, he calls it pine baron'spatina.
He does enjoy loud sports.
He has loud opinions aboutsports.
He will boo the flyers and healso really hates just the
concept of new york well, yeah,he does we expect.
He's from jersey.
His side hustles includeregional cryptid, merch haunted
(20:06):
tour cameos and consulting, butwe don't really know what that
means.
He does have a very sketchyrental history, but he is pretty
wealthy.
He doesn't really have anyhouse rules that he'll fight for
, he just likes to hang, and soSome of his other green flags is
that he's always up to driveyou to the airport at 430 and he
(20:31):
will scare off the line cuttersfor you.
He knows how to throw a goodhouse party.
He always has the rightconnections for everything
Liquor runs, firewood, purse,jewelry, concert tickets.
He literally knows everyone and, fun fact, he's surprisingly
good at trivia nightsinteresting and then, uh, he
(20:56):
does insist that you call himsir.
Um, he has a tendency to screechwhen he's hungry.
He will not stop vaping.
It tends to be some form ofbanana menthol, and it has a
tendency to make everyone sick.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
Banana menthol.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Anyone from Jersey Got it Done?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Is banana menthol a real thing?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh yeah, I don't know .
Probably I think they putmenthol with anything.
He does have a tendency toassert his dominance by peeing
in the laundry room and he willbring his exes over at 2am and
they always end in some kind ofcultist seance.
(21:46):
So that is your candidate four.
I think that's candidate four.
No, that's candidate three.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
That's number three.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Yeah, so the next one that we have, the outdoorsy
minimalist Also.
Do not follow into the woods.
Anyone want to take a guess ofwho this candidate is?
Speaker 4 (22:11):
Well, it already like is this not the other?
Like southern Bigfoot type?
What is it?
The carry ape or whatever theycall it?
Speaker 1 (22:24):
The skunk ape.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Oh, the skunk ape, skunk ape.
Yeah, no, you can't have twoskunk apes in one podcast.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
They call it the Skunk Ape, skunk Ape, yeah,
skunk Ape, no, skunk Ape, dangit God.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
I'm 0 for 2, but I'm the only one guessing.
Speaker 5 (22:33):
You are embarrassing the time out.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
I don't know any other ones.
Okay, here I'll guess Is Nessiea cryptid?
Speaker 4 (22:44):
Nessie is a cryptid but no, Don't follow her into
the woods because she lives inthe lake.
You dummy.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
I don't know, man, I literally don't know cryptids.
Speaker 5 (22:57):
Reread the explanation again or the
description again.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
The outdoorsy.
Minimalist.
Do not follow into the woods.
Speaker 5 (23:08):
I don't know Minimalist is throwing me off,
just type it into the chat GBT.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Which could this be?
Speaker 4 (23:17):
Is it like a fae or a fairy?
No, not a siren.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
No, that's more water and they're.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
Europeans More water, dominic, this is fun.
We're not going until theyguess this is fun.
No, that's more water, andthey're.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Europeans.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
More water dummy.
What about no?
Speaker 4 (23:30):
this is fun.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
We're not going until they guess this is fun.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Is the Yeti just a different name for Bigfoot?
Speaker 4 (23:38):
No, this is a mountain goat dummy.
No.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
The Yetis are different from Bigfoot.
Bigfoot and Sasquatch they areof.
They're like a Same species,different race, if you will.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Okay, I give up, don't follow me to the forest.
Speaker 4 (23:59):
I mean, like what the Just tell us If anyone's Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Last hint, last hint.
How much knowledge do any ofyou have with the Witcher, the
games, specifically?
Speaker 3 (24:17):
I know that it is a game.
Speaker 5 (24:18):
You've all played it right.
Speaker 4 (24:20):
I've played it.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
What's the one that looks like a Leshen?
A?
What now?
The cryptid that looks like theLeshen or the Lechi?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Oh, I thought dolce de leche.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
No, not dolce de leche no, not a cake it's tres
leche tres leche is the caketres leche is the cake dolce de
leche.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
I don't think you guys are going to guess it.
No.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
I don't think so.
No, we're not.
I'm not going to do it.
I would have to end my book.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Okay, so this is the Wendigo.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Oh the.
Speaker 4 (24:56):
Wendigo Act like you know what the fuck that is.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
I do know what it is because it's a character from
Marvel Comics.
It's an X-Men.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
No the RV, the RV right.
It's a character from.
Speaker 5 (25:07):
Marvel Comics no the RV.
The.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
Winnebago Lone.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Star.
That's what Lone Star is A barfroad found on a Wendigo.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
So Wendigo is from the deep north.
We're talking, like you know.
Montana, that's the witcherconnection, the antlers in the
skull.
Yeah, kyle, did you know thisone?
You didn't guess, but yousounded like you knew what this
one was oh yeah, I know how doyou know you did.
(25:43):
I kept this from you.
How did you know?
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I know all.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I know all you know all.
Okay.
So the Wendigo likes to pay hisrent very early and he says
it's so hunger doesn't sneak upon him.
He is frostbitten or he isfrostbitten.
His credit score is frostbittenbut it's improving.
He likes to attend boundariesand snack groups and he feels
(26:13):
like that's going to help himimprove his credit score.
Question what is a?
Speaker 1 (26:17):
snack group how do we find them?
Yeah, it's like book club,which is we all that hard?
Speaker 2 (26:30):
up yeah for friends that we're gonna base everything
around snacks snacks right, Iam down I mean so some of his
pros are he keeps the fridgeorganized by the lunar phase.
He likes to set the thermostatto free Arctic AC.
(26:50):
In the summer it's bliss, butin the winter it's absolutely
terrible.
Depends on how you personallyrun in your temperature.
But he is great at maintainingyour hiking gear.
Your boots will never look aswaxed.
He's just great at hikinghiking gear, he's.
(27:10):
He's excellent at survival kits.
He always has a car scraper andhe uh is metaphorically always
accountable for everything thathe does.
Um, some of his cons are thathis intermittent ominous
whispers about gnawing cravingsusually for trail mix, but you
(27:32):
still never know.
He insists on keeping thefreezer full of emergency meat
substitutes and he startles veryeasily if somebody says
DoorDash.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Define meat substitute?
You mean like the veganbullshit where it's like soybean
bullshit, or is it like a humanliver, like I need to know what
substitute meat we're having Idon't know, it's just that he
just has an emergency at allangie an emergency.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
This doesn't make sense at all.
Angie, he's trying to become abetter person okay.
This is where the madness ends.
He does work as a ranger, apark guide, in peak season, and
he does sell ethically sourcedpinecone art, cone art.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
So he's not all bad that just makes me think of when
we made pine cone bird feedersin school.
Speaker 5 (28:39):
I'm not sure if they mean the.
The art is on the pine cone orthey use the pine cone in the
art and both of them areterrible, in my brain.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
I mean why not Pineapples, jesus Christ?
Speaker 2 (28:53):
He meal preps protein bars and he labels them as not
a metaphor.
He likes to sit by windowsduring snowstorms like a
Victorian with scurvy.
Yes, because, wendy.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Go Right, Wendy.
Go during snowstorms like avictorian was scurvy.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
Yes, that is windy, go right leather daddy is on
them right now.
Leather daddy's right.
God damn it.
My other time.
Pals are slacking.
You guys should have thought ofWendy.
Go Wendy.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Go.
The last thing about him isthat he does have a rule and he
says that no late-night truecrime cannibal episodes, because
he's in recovery, seems fair.
Speaker 5 (29:43):
Fair, that's great, fair, that's great.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
Yeah, I like it.
These are good these are realgood.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
All right, so the very last one is the HOA's least
favorite pet owner and anyguesses Ash Ketchum from Pokemon
.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Very close, very close, actually scary close, and
by scary close I mean not even.
Speaker 4 (30:11):
I'm not going to guess because, no, maybe you
should.
Yeah, you should.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
I think you should, I think you should, I think you
should say one of the answersyou've already said before.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
Oh, goddammit, go ahead, mike.
No, I'm trying to remember whatyou said.
Speaker 5 (30:30):
I'm trying to remember what you said, but I'm
like four Dos Equis in and Ibarely got it.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
The only reason why I want to say that it's the
Chupacabra is because I feellike on the side he's a
cockfighter.
It's the Chupacabra.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
He drinks the blood of Chupacabra.
It's the chupacabra I don'thave a chupacabra.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
We're right.
My last ditch effort of a hintfor them was to really test and
see if they listen to ourpodcast.
I wouldn't say that Mothmanwent to their quinceañera, that
is very true.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Oh, I do love a quince.
Speaker 5 (31:14):
You're going to be right eventually.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Yeah right.
So, as we know, the Chupacabrais Southwest Latin America, but
he has been banned from threepetting zoos.
He does pay his rent, um, buthe does request a small
livestock fee waiver.
His?
(31:36):
His credit score is unclear, um, but he had an identity theft,
uh, due to an alias of goatsommelier.
Speaker 5 (31:53):
Nice.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
There's only one person that knows what a
sommelier is.
Speaker 5 (31:58):
I know, I know.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Wait, wait, wait.
You're talking about the wineperson.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Yeah.
I thought, it was thecandlestick from Beauty and the.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Beast.
No, no, on the West Coast wepronounce it sommelier.
Yeah, I thought it was thecandlestick from Beauty and the
Beast.
Speaker 5 (32:08):
No, no, on the west coast we pronounce it sommelier
yeah, it's a sommelier honestly.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
I'm just dumb, so.
I thought those were pirates ofsommelier yeah, exactly, I am
the captain now, guys, right?
Speaker 5 (32:26):
in West Virginia, where they apparently don't
drink wine.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
They said drinking corn liquor out there, wine's
for the fucking week, or they'renot as pretentious.
Speaker 5 (32:39):
There are better people.
Salt of the earth.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
Real salt of the earth.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Note to self it's a say it again, sommelier.
Speaker 4 (32:51):
Sommelier.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Like the Girl Scout cookie.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
No, no, no, Think of it, that's Sommelier the
wrestlers.
Speaker 4 (32:57):
Sommelier Joe.
Speaker 5 (33:05):
Took over Captain Phillips' ship and then go yay,
and that's Somalia.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Somalia.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
God damn it, alright.
Well, no more wine jokes.
That was my last and only winejoke that I'll ever do in my
life.
Speaker 4 (33:24):
Yeah, way to get us kicked off of the podcast.
Mike, I'm sorry.
Speaker 5 (33:29):
Can we still guess?
Chupacabra Can we still guess?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
chupacabra.
So he is a keto chef.
He makes a mean adobo.
He's very loyal.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
Mike, this is your thing, man.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
If you're threatened, he will hiss like a pressure
cooker.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Hopefully not one from Boston.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
He doesn't like to handle any and all bug problems
and he's very aggressive aboutit.
So some of the cons is that hislast neighborhood, all of the
goats unionized against him, allof the goats unionized against
him, and he likes to keep quoteunquote.
Hydration pouches in the fridge.
(34:14):
They're always labeled as such,but they are this weird kind of
reddish pinkish color and heblames crop circles for missed
chore days.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
The goats unionized against him.
Watch out for the super cover.
He's bad news.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
Oh Jesus, what the fuck.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Slow clap, slow, slow clap.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
Thank you very much.
I'll see myself out.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Bad news.
So he works as a night shift.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
Phlebotomist.
Speaker 2 (34:54):
Clever, so yeah, don't worry too much about it.
Plus, he also does cameo shoutouts.
That's his work, history.
Speaker 3 (35:03):
Did you say phlebotomist or lobotomist?
Lobotomist.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
Lobotomist, phlebotomist, phlebotomist.
Oh okay, some of his habits arehe likes to sleep in the tub
for the acoustics and hecollects shiny bottle caps like
dragon treasure.
Oh okay, and some of his houserules are that do not shame him
(35:30):
for garlic, it's a culturalthing and do not come for him
over it.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
Defund, nevermind, nope, nope, nope, leaving it,
leaving it, nope.
Speaker 5 (35:41):
Beerzy, beerzy, don't go down.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Yep, I worded that wrong.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Yep, we're just going to let that happen.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
And he likes to introduce himself to goats as
their biggest fan.
So that's it.
That's the last candidate.
Speaker 5 (36:06):
So, we're all discussing all of them at once?
Are we going back and doingeach one individually?
Speaker 2 (36:13):
so you can, you know, go and tell us who you think
your roommate choice would be,and and why okay, hold on, I
have.
Speaker 4 (36:24):
I have one really big question.
Okay, shoot, that I think willapply.
It applies to all candidates.
Okay, that might help you guysalso make your decision.
So can you quickly walk usthrough any habits or any
(36:53):
enjoyments they might take, likedo they drink?
Do they smoke?
When they drink or smoke, whatdo they do?
Speaker 1 (37:02):
I have no idea why, but when you started your
question, I thought you weregoing to go.
Can you fuck them?
I don't know why.
Nope, I don't.
I thought you were going to go.
Can you fuck them.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
I don't know why I don't know why you're gonna no.
No, it's a really importantquestion when you're thinking
about a roommate like fair.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
That I mean also, it's not up to her.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
if we can fuck them, they have their own say yeah,
right.
Speaker 5 (37:28):
It's got to be consensual.
Speaker 4 (37:31):
Yeah, everyone has their own autonomy.
Speaker 5 (37:34):
We're not here to yuck anybody's yum.
Speaker 4 (37:37):
But, as the describer of our roommates, can you tell
us if they drink or if theysmoke or, you know, do other
things maybe?
Maybe bigfoot takes shrooms,whatever.
Speaker 5 (37:58):
But you can still live the life you have.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
Bigfoot, but like I imagine, bigfoot probably so I
can answer some of that for youokay, go for it as much as you
can for all five contestantsokay, so Bigfoot does forage for
(38:25):
mushrooms I'm sure that some ofthose would include and he
sells them.
So, they probably do includesome psychedelics.
Does he partake, probably?
Speaker 3 (38:40):
Can't tell that you haven't tasted.
Speaker 4 (38:41):
Is he going to have a beer with me?
Are we going to have a beer andtalk about bot like botanicals
and stuff.
Speaker 5 (38:48):
No, he brews his own.
He's gonna be a pain in the ass.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
Yeah, exactly he's yeah, yeah, see just think of
every hipster you've wanted tobeat in the face with a fucking
shovel man, what does mothmandrink?
Speaker 4 (39:03):
what does mothman do?
Smokes, crack smokes crack.
Speaker 5 (39:11):
I would like to think mothman is sober, like in my
mind he's been a practicingmormon you know what?
Okay, aside from the mormon oneguy always warning you about
your vices.
Speaker 4 (39:26):
If you take out like drugs and alcohol and you just
replace it with collapsingbridges, you're not healthy.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
You ain't wrong, I'll give you that.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
I would say Mothman.
He has a really good creditscore 780, so he probably
doesn't have that many vices.
I think his only vice is justbrooding about really, really
dark stuff.
Listening to.
Speaker 5 (39:55):
The Cure sitting in his room alone.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (39:58):
Me and him are going to be friends.
I know who my vote's going tobe for.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Yeah, I do kind of feel like Mothman would live a
straight edge kind of life.
Maybe he tried a couple ofthings in college college but it
just wasn't for him.
He didn't like the taste, hedidn't like the smell and things
like that.
So he's just like it's just,but I don't think he would judge
you for doing it.
He was like, hey, just take itoutside.
I don't want the apartmentsmelling like that, you know I'm
actually the reverse.
Speaker 5 (40:21):
I think he's never done anything and he's going to
be smug and hold it over on you.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
Oh, like the Jersey Devil definitely is.
Speaker 3 (40:31):
I thought you said CM Park.
Speaker 5 (40:33):
And then telling you how you're doing it wrong.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Yeah, jersey Devil, he's definitely a drinker,
smoker he does pot.
He does all the drugs, he knowseveryone.
I bet you he tried them all buthe doesn't.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
I bet you he tried them all but he doesn't.
I bet you he tried them all buthe doesn't do them.
He probably smokes like Newport100s and drinks like stale,
shitty, natty daddies and but heacts like he does all your
other stuff, but he has no cluewhat he does.
He goes oh man, I did so muchcoke last night I totally fell
asleep.
No, the fuck, you did.
You know what you're talkingabout.
Speaker 5 (41:07):
I think we've all had that similar lie in high school
.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
You guys can't tell I don't like the state of New
Jersey.
Speaker 4 (41:12):
What about the Windingo?
Speaker 1 (41:16):
The Windingo.
Speaker 4 (41:16):
I don't know about that one.
I don't know about the.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Windingo, but I know about the Windigo.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
The Windigo whatever.
Speaker 3 (41:23):
Is it Windingo, the thing you used to call for movie
times?
Speaker 2 (41:27):
That was good, that was very good.
Speaker 4 (41:31):
Very good, I think the Windigo is.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
I think the Windigo is pretty straight-laced.
I mean, you know he's very intohiking, very into the woods,
he's very communal.
I think his only vice is eatingquestionable meat from
questionable sources.
Speaker 1 (41:56):
Eating people.
You know, eating people.
Speaker 5 (41:59):
I'm still confused about it.
I didn't know his wholebackstory had a lot to do with
ice.
Speaker 4 (42:04):
Yeah, he's from the frozen north he's more straight,
straight laced than say Bigfoot, right, what?
Speaker 5 (42:13):
about the.
Speaker 4 (42:13):
Chupacabra.
Speaker 5 (42:16):
Quinceañeras, you gotta go to church every Sunday.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Quinceañeras.
Speaker 3 (42:21):
You know he's drinking the only thing that
Chupacabra has qualms about iswhether he's gonna pick Corona
or Modelo.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
That's it.
That's his biggest problem.
Speaker 5 (42:31):
Dos Equis right now my friend Dos Equis.
Right now Exactly.
Speaker 3 (42:37):
The most interesting creature in the world.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
Exactly, oh, you beat me to it.
You beat me to it.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it's
fucking goat's blood.
Say thirsty, my friends.
I don't always leave that in myfridge, but if I do, you don't
touch them.
Speaker 4 (43:00):
That made my decision .
Speaker 5 (43:03):
Beer really.
Speaker 4 (43:06):
Oh, yeah, yeah, but I'm not into anything right now.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
I'm open to you know how do they feel about game
nights?
Speaker 5 (43:18):
Oh, oh, that's a good one yeah.
What kind of games would theyplay?
Exactly Well, the.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Jersey Devil devil, and remember I said he's very
good at trivia night, so he'sgonna, he's.
Speaker 5 (43:33):
I'm trying to think of some trivia games like
trivial I feel like, because heis from jersey and a douchebag,
it's not a trivia night he'sgonna ask you a question and
just tell you he's wrong.
You, you know what I mean.
Tell you you're wrong and thensmash a beer on his head.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Exactly, exactly, like exactly 100%.
Nope, kevin Bacon was not onFootloose.
Speaker 5 (43:55):
Who's your favorite baseball team?
Nah, that's stupid faggot.
And then like smash a beer.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
I've known of you guys like that.
Speaker 4 (44:06):
Right, there's no actual conversation.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
Which one likes Naked Twister.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Are you asking for a friend.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
No, I'm asking for me .
Speaker 1 (44:21):
I am me, I am friend.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
Depending on how unkempt the fur is, if it could
feel uncomfortable on thenethers.
Depending on what that spin armlands on.
I think the.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Wendigo would be very into Naked Twister.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
Interesting, interesting.
At least there's cooling action, which one gives out raccoons,
which one gives out raccoons,which one's domesticating
raccoons.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
That was Bigfoot, wasn't it?
Speaker 1 (44:50):
That was Bigfoot Bigfoot's got the army of
raccoons.
He's just going to show up likeKristoff from Frozen, but
instead of little rock trolls,it's a bunch of fucking raccoons
.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
I mean I'm not against that I'd see Bigfoot
being down for game night.
He'd be down for game night.
Speaker 5 (45:03):
Likes a good Uno game .
Speaker 3 (45:06):
I feel like, if he's like hipsters, it's going to be
like he used a CNC set to createhis own rare wood version of
Settlers of Catan that he wantsyou to play on.
And if you just approve theboard game version.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
The Oregon Trail, the board game?
No, I don't think that, oh my.
Speaker 4 (45:28):
God.
Oh well, there is a card game,like a puzzle game, of the
Oregon Trail.
Yeah, that you can buy, yeah,but John, I don't think that's
fair for you to be like, oh,hipster Portland, I think you
know if maybe he drinks his ownIPAs and you know his microdust
(45:53):
and shrooms, maybe he just likesUno.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Yeah, because he's from fucking portland.
We've been over this right.
Do people from portland havelike?
Do they lean towards playinguno?
Speaker 1 (46:09):
I don't know well, yeah, because it's spicy,
because it's a differentlanguage.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
So which which, by the way, some fucking tool came
out with a version of uno inenglish that he sells and it is
actually called one, and it'sfucking, it's just it's horrible
it's.
I'm sorry you can.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
I want to say things that, but I won't have you seen
the version of go fish called gofuck yourself wait, that's an
actual game.
Speaker 1 (46:43):
I thought that was just how my family always played
go fish yeah I was just like,oh cool, your thanksgivings are
the same way.
It's like hey dad, you got anysixes?
Go fuck yourself, all right mybad.
Speaker 4 (46:54):
No, I don't go, fuck yourself go fuck yourself.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
you were a little prick.
Thanks, Dad, I'll be back overhere because I'm eight.
Speaker 4 (47:06):
So another note I have about the Mothman, though,
is like under useful skills,because I was taking notes as
you were reading this out and Iwas like paranoia is not a
useful skill.
You were like he's up all nightlooking out the window.
(47:28):
That's not useful, that's weird, it's entertaining.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
It's weird until you're one of the only people
that survives a governmenttakeover of the country and no,
no, but like as a normal, as atrust me, I've lived it as a
normal person with roommatesthat have that tendency.
That's not a fun thing as anormal person with roommates.
Speaker 4 (48:01):
That's not a fun trait to have in roommates.
Speaker 1 (48:04):
Exactly, but it's a giant fucking moth.
Speaker 4 (48:09):
So it's got to be a little entertaining.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
No, no, but it's a giant moth in your house, yeah,
but it's paying right.
It's got great credit score.
Speaker 4 (48:21):
No, but it's paying rent and it's got a great credit
score.
Speaker 1 (48:24):
No, bigfoot's the best choice.
Bigfoot's pretty solid.
I'll give you that Because,like you said, he bruises on
beer.
He's definitely going to bruiseon beer.
Man, double IPAs all day, let'sgo.
Speaker 4 (48:36):
See that to me, but really it's the raccoon pet that
sold it for me.
Speaker 3 (48:41):
OK, literally OK.
I've been chasing OK story time, story time.
I have been chasing this highfor at least 15 years, if not 20
.
I used to work at Stanford andone of the doing like all sorts
of extra stuff.
I didn't have any like cool,I'm not a smart person, no
professor or anything.
I worked at facility stuff andwe helped with the graduation
(49:08):
every year and one of the thingsI did was drive people's
elderly relatives to theindividual graduations for their
like's, like the school ofengineering, the school of
business, etc, etc.
Because we were big ass fuckingcampus.
Um, and so I'm driving this golfcart one day and this family
(49:29):
gets in and out of the corner ofmy eye seeing small animal and
I'm driving.
I'm like, oh, I think I thoughtit was a puppy.
I'm like, oh, can I see yourpuppy?
And the person just goes sureand hands me a baby raccoon.
That's fucking great.
And I was like, oh my god.
And I was so happy for thatmoment to hold that adorable
(49:49):
baby raccoon that even holdingmy adorable own baby children
has not brought me that joy.
They're, they're listening andlooking at me like what the fuck
man children has not brought methat joy.
That's me fair they're listeningand looking at me like what the
fuck man?
Speaker 1 (50:05):
And then you show them the pictures.
It's a fucking baby, raccoon,don't be so goddamn modest.
Speaker 3 (50:08):
Don't be so vain.
You think you're cuter thanthis?
No, but seriously.
Ever since then, I'm just like.
I want a pet raccoon.
I want to hold a raccoon.
I want to go volunteer at thenature museum and feed the
raccoon.
It's just like.
Speaker 5 (50:23):
I love raccoons.
Which primp foot is closest toLenny from Of Mice and Men?
Because I'm going to guess.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
John's Probably Bigfoot.
That's got to be Bigfoot.
Speaker 3 (50:32):
Too many of those double IPAs and he's going to be
snapping necks.
Speaker 1 (50:36):
Going to live off the fat of the land.
John, Tell me about the rabbits.
Tell me about the raccoons.
Speaker 3 (50:44):
Oh, I mean there's a couple of them.
It's a hard choice.
It's a hard choice for me.
Speaker 5 (50:53):
So do we do the Time House, have to come up with one,
or do we all get our own?
Speaker 2 (50:58):
I think we all get our own.
Yeah, this is an individual.
We all get our own.
I think I would get their own.
You all get your own.
Yeah, this is an individual.
Speaker 3 (51:03):
You get your own roommate.
Oh, that's cool.
Speaker 2 (51:08):
This ain't New Girl.
Speaker 4 (51:13):
We're not all sharing an apartment.
Speaker 5 (51:18):
Yeah, well, I'll definitely vote out, john.
If that was the case, you woulddo that out of spite every time
.
Anyway, who's left?
Is it me?
Everybody pick one already.
Speaker 4 (51:29):
Yeah, Bigfoot's my dog.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
I'm on the fence right now.
I'm on the fence right nowbecause I like Bigfoot for a
couple reasons, but I alsodislike Bigfoot for a couple
reasons, but I also dislikeBigfoot for a couple reasons.
Speaker 5 (51:41):
Why do you hate Bigfoot?
Speaker 3 (51:42):
I fucking hate IPAs and everything about IPAs and
the fact that IPAs exist and thefact that everybody loves them
so much.
Speaker 5 (51:49):
I hate you.
I'm not an IPA at all.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
We just assumed that he was making IPAs.
We just assumed.
Speaker 4 (51:56):
John, just for the record.
Yeah, I created that assumption.
Speaker 3 (52:01):
Oh, that wasn't an action.
Okay, no.
Speaker 4 (52:05):
I created that assumption.
Speaker 5 (52:07):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
That was not in my research.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
No, got it, because I assumed that was something like
he does the kombucha and theIPAs thing.
Speaker 5 (52:19):
I mean that's fine too.
No, we'll just nickel fuckingwith you, oh shit.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
Alright, yeah, I think I'm going to go Bigfoot
then.
Speaker 1 (52:28):
Fucking IPAs man.
Speaker 4 (52:31):
Also another big thing about Bigfoot is if he's
going to have a dispute with theHOA.
I'm all on board.
I'm on the HOA all day.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
I do like a good throwdown with the HOA.
I'm with you.
Speaker 4 (52:47):
I'll be petty with the HOA For sure.
Speaker 3 (52:52):
As much as I like, I like the Chupacabra too, but
Bigfoot just kind of ekes himout of it.
Speaker 2 (52:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (53:00):
Okay, I like that.
That's valid.
Alright we got two for.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
Bigfoot.
Speaker 5 (53:07):
Two for Bigfoot.
Okay, I'm going with theChupacabra.
Not only is it, not onlybecause I'm part Mexican, so we
kind of have already a culturalunderstanding, but we both suck.
That's a already a culturalunderstanding, but we both suck.
So that's a big reason for it.
I don't remember a lot of theins and outs, but I guarantee
(53:27):
you nobody's paying attention tous.
Our credit is terrible.
I'm just taking it.
I would love to think of it forno other reason than I think
I'll understand it more.
Yeah, I'm not really sure whatelse to say, because in my mind
my perfect roommate is everybody.
(53:49):
That's not him.
The way you describe everybodyelse.
I'm like I either live withthat guy or I know that guy and
I hate that guy.
It doesn't matter to me at all.
I know it's not the mostdetailed explanation, but that's
where I'm standing right now Ilove that his, his.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
The tip of the spear there for him was because he's
mexican and sucks.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
That was great.
All right, kyle, it's up to youBring it home.
Speaker 1 (54:24):
Oh, it's my turn.
Oh, wendigo, forever Hands down.
Speaker 2 (54:28):
Hands down Wendigo.
Speaker 1 (54:29):
Hands down.
Wendigo, we're both cold,questionable meat choices.
Lower that AC down like amother.
Totally fine, we're goinghiking Very outdoorsy, very
woodsysy.
Just give us our cabin, leaveus alone you know, past the
spare ribs.
Well, well, angie, who wouldyou bunk with?
(54:50):
Yeah, oh, oh man um oh, don'tmake it act like.
Don't act like you don't knowexactly who you're going to.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Yeah, who?
Okay, who do you think I'mgoing to say?
Then, Kyle, Mothman.
And do you know why I'm goingto say Mothman?
Speaker 1 (55:07):
Am I allowed to say in front of these guys, or
Absolutely.
Speaker 5 (55:10):
You do remember your Mothman.
I do remember that episode, Mmyeah.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
Absolutely.
There's one, Kyle, go ahead Sayit.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
Oh, because Mothman's one of your hear-me-outs.
Speaker 5 (55:25):
Because Mothman was my first.
Speaker 1 (55:27):
Mothman's, one of your hear-me-outs.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
Because have you ever seen this statue of Mothman?
Yeah, he's ripped he's rippedand he has an ass that you could
bounce a quarter off of.
Speaker 5 (55:42):
You see, McFlannell faces the same though.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
I have no ass, I have zero ass.
Speaker 5 (55:49):
You have a weakness.
I'm not going to exploit that.
Speaker 1 (55:52):
But I will.
Speaker 5 (55:59):
So Mothman, I do remember the Mothman statue.
It's like a pro wrestler statue.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (56:04):
It's fucking nuts yeah it is absolutely ripped I
gotta look this up of course youdo.
Speaker 1 (56:11):
And there's I.
While you're at it, look atlucifer.
Yeah, wow with that statue.
Speaker 2 (56:21):
I don't understand why they put the ass that they
did on that statue.
Speaker 3 (56:25):
But holy god, dude's got a it's it's it's, it's the
perching, the perching on thingsand getting up those squats
really work the glutes yeah, butthat shit ain't flying.
Speaker 5 (56:36):
That shit's not flying.
There's no way.
I mean, it's shaped like arefrigerator, there's no.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (56:44):
A lot of time under tension.
Speaker 4 (56:48):
Okay, let's point out the fact that she put together
this whole hypothetical episode.
Speaker 5 (56:54):
Just to talk about how she must have.
Speaker 4 (56:56):
With all of these.
With all of these very, verycreative and very detailed and
very beautifully writtendescriptions of a character.
Speaker 3 (57:15):
She built characters only to just be like I want
Mothman's ass but to be fair,that's in lockstep with the rest
of us going like the rest of uswere.
Just like IPA bad, I likeRaccoon, yes well, he's half
(57:35):
Mexican.
Speaker 5 (57:36):
Of course he's going to love the trip to California.
We spent 45 minutes managingvery eloquently, amazingly
written.
Speaker 4 (57:44):
The descriptions were so eloquent.
Speaker 5 (57:47):
All of us stood back.
Time Pal stood back and we'relike, hey, this is an amazing
written thing, only for Angie tobe like, no, fuck you guys, I'm
fucking that moth.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
I was taking notes.
Speaker 5 (58:06):
I'm just saying these are cryptids still.
Speaker 4 (58:09):
I was taking notes.
I was taking notes.
I've never taken notes, it'strue, on any of the Time Pals
podcasts.
I've never taken notes, it'strue.
Speaker 1 (58:18):
On any of the Time Pals podcast.
I've never taken notes.
Speaker 4 (58:23):
But I was like okay, I gotta jot down these notes on
the descriptions of each ofthese characters.
Speaker 1 (58:27):
They're taking it so serious.
Speaker 4 (58:29):
You can bounce a quarter.
Speaker 5 (58:31):
Nickel was texting me saying hey, what if I say this?
What if I say that?
What do you think?
And I'm like I don't know wherethis is going.
Man, do the best you can.
Speaker 4 (58:40):
That's a lie.
Speaker 5 (58:41):
That is a lie.
Speaker 1 (58:46):
They try to be so professional and respect the
shit out of Angie and it's herturn.
She goes.
I want that moth dick thatstatue.
Speaker 3 (58:53):
Put some rust on those aluminum cheeks.
Speaker 5 (58:55):
Angie, nobody's stopping you from going there.
Speaker 2 (58:59):
I have gone there.
I mean to the statue.
How do you know, Did you finish?
Did you finish?
Every time A local?
Speaker 3 (59:09):
woman arrested for attaching phallus to a treasured
statue God.
Speaker 4 (59:17):
Is that why you?
Speaker 5 (59:17):
called the black curtain, though, because we just
shut the blinds and then thered mood lighting even a time
pals episode oh christ.
Speaker 3 (59:31):
I just pictured that like no, no, no, open your eyes.
Speaker 2 (59:34):
I want the lights yeah, exactly yeah, it's the red
mood lighting.
I want the lights.
Yeah, exactly yeah, it's thered.
Speaker 5 (59:41):
It's the red mood lighting, yeah, yeah I wouldn't
bang my chupacabra, but Iunderstand and just imagine
(01:00:03):
after you're hot and sweaty hecan just flap his wings to cool
everything down.
I mean what's going on?
This is a roommate.
Speaker 1 (01:00:12):
This has become a very different episode.
Speaker 4 (01:00:17):
This is getting into a whole more complicated realm
of like roommate versus like.
Are we doing like?
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
a new girl calm situation underscore.
Bring something up the thepaying of the rent like.
According to what I've seen onthe internet, apparently sex is
a valid way to pay the rent.
Speaker 1 (01:00:38):
Yes, very, very true.
Multiple times I've seen.
Speaker 5 (01:00:42):
So should you vote for a roommate?
That's unfuckable.
Speaker 4 (01:00:47):
I mean do what you want.
Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
Same thing.
I'm not banging the Wendigo,but like you know Valid question
.
Speaker 5 (01:00:56):
To be fair, the Wendigo bangs you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
Fair enough.
Listen, all I'm saying is fair.
The Wendigo bangs you.
Fair enough.
All I'm saying is the Wendigoon this list.
All I'm saying is there's not alot of crypts, that would we
start putting Myth Monsters onthere too.
You throw Medusa on there.
You know I'm going to get ashot.
I'm going to get some blinders.
Speaker 3 (01:01:15):
At least you'll be hard with the Medusa.
Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
There you go For longer than four hours.
I feel, like that.
Speaker 3 (01:01:23):
Wendigo, your last thought is just going to be like
oh my god, is this what I'vebeen doing to my flashlight?
Speaker 5 (01:01:29):
I just want to know how Angie's going to wrap this
up, because I'm a monster.
Speaker 3 (01:01:33):
How do you?
Speaker 5 (01:01:33):
bring this back to the original point of the entire
episode.
Speaker 2 (01:01:36):
I don't know, you just go original form of the
entire episode I don't know.
Speaker 3 (01:01:42):
I just you should just hit the hang up button.
Speaker 2 (01:01:45):
Yeah, like, well, I think that does it for this
episode.
Speaker 3 (01:01:50):
Do the crackle like you're crunching a paper.
Oh sorry, we're breaking upright now.
I guess we gotta disconnect.
Speaker 4 (01:01:58):
I don't know what to do.
I'll just do the.
Speaker 2 (01:02:04):
Irish goodbye and just hang up, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Okay, it happened one time because I lost my internet
.
Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
Yeah, I could always say I lost my internet.
Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
Hey.
Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
What.
Don't give me that shit, don'tgive me that shit don't give me
that.
Speaker 5 (01:02:21):
One time happens one time so who wins angie and why
is it us?
Speaker 2 (01:02:28):
who wins?
I think you all are winners.
You came out of this experimentwith um very, very wonderful
new roommates.
I think you all are winners.
Speaker 1 (01:02:40):
In a brand new way to see Angie, or just like wow.
Speaker 2 (01:02:45):
And you got to know me in a very weird way, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:02:54):
So just to be clear, who did everyone pick?
I picked.
Speaker 5 (01:02:59):
Bigfoot Chupacabra for me, wendigo.
Speaker 4 (01:03:04):
And then Mothman, and then Mothman.
She told us she was mid-drag ofa fucking cigarette there the.
Speaker 1 (01:03:10):
Jersey Devil Not bad.
Speaker 5 (01:03:12):
Mothman, I will never judge you.
For whatever you're into, Ishould have guessed that a
podcast about horror would beterrifying at some point in time
for me, look my otherhear-me-out is Pyramid Head.
It's like Mothman and PyramidHead.
My other hear-me-out is PyramidHead, famously as a giant ass.
Speaker 2 (01:03:34):
How about that Bob Pyramid?
Speaker 1 (01:03:36):
Head has a giant everything.
Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Pretty sure.
Speaker 1 (01:03:42):
Overcompensation.
Speaker 2 (01:03:44):
I don't know all those, all those nurses like to
get deboned by him no, no nothey get reboned by him.
If you think about it, true heyyo, alright, I'm gonna wrap
this up.
Do I hear crows?
Hey yo, all right, I'm going towrap this up.
Do I hear crows?
(01:04:04):
Is that an?
Speaker 3 (01:04:04):
omen.
Yeah, no, no, our new houseliterally is in the middle of
the fucking woods with a murderof crows.
He's trying to meet one ofthese.
This is not a murder of crows.
This is a genocide of crows.
There are so many fucking crows.
Speaker 4 (01:04:19):
This is a genocide of crows there are so many fucking
crows.
Speaker 3 (01:04:22):
They are like two, three hundred crows all
throughout this neighborhood.
Speaker 4 (01:04:26):
I am so glad it's you having bird sounds instead of
me this time.
Speaker 3 (01:04:31):
Oh, I love it.
I love it, I'm happy about it.
Speaker 1 (01:04:33):
Murder of crows.
It's a genocide that was good.
Speaker 2 (01:04:37):
Yeah, that was good, all right, well.
Well, there you have it fivecryptids, five terrible
roommates and zero hope of evercoming back from this episode.
Time pals, it's been greathaving you here.
We've had a blast.
I hope you guys have had funand we.
(01:04:58):
We should get together and dothis again sometime.
Remember to follow the TimePals as well.
Come over and give them somelove and some follows on their
podcast.
Be sure to like and share andtell your friends about us.
We need comments, we needratings.
Feel free to follow us on allsocial medias and, um, yeah, I
(01:05:23):
think that's it.
Speaker 5 (01:05:24):
Peace out yeah, it's underscore for the time.
Pals and john and nickel, thankyou very much for having us.
Obviously, you guys are invitedanytime you guys want.
We always enjoy you.
And I have a brand newperspective on Angie somehow.
So we're going to have to comeup with a different non-sexual
episode, but it'll be good,we'll talk.
(01:05:47):
We'll talk.
Speaker 1 (01:05:48):
We'll sexualize it, don't worry.
Speaker 2 (01:05:50):
I guarantee you yes, alright, say bye Kyle.
Speaker 1 (01:05:58):
Bye Kyle, bye Kyle.
Which one gives out raccoons.
Which one gives out raccoons?
Which one's domesticatingraccoons?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
That was Bigfoot, wasn't it?
That was Bigfoot.
Bigfoot's got the army ofraccoons.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
He's just going to show up like Christoph from
Frozen, but instead of littlerock trolls, it's a bunch of
fucking raccoons.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I mean, I'm not against that.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Bigfoot being down for game night.
He'd be down for game night.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Likes.
He likes a good.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
Uno game.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
I feel like if he's like hipsters, it's going to be
like he used a CNC set to createhis own rare wood version of
Settlers of Catan that he wantsyou to play on.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
The Oregon Trail, the board game.
Before we begin today's episode, we would like to share a quick
disclaimer.
The views, opinions andstatements expressed by the
hosts and guests on this podcastare their own personal views
and are provided in their owncapacity.
(01:09):
All content is editorial,opinion-based and intended for
entertainment purposes only.
Listener discretion is advised.
Welcome back, weirdos, toanother episode of Black Curtain
Club, where things go bump inthe night and probably don't pay
rent.
This is Angie with myride-or-die leather-clad co-host
(01:31):
Kyle, and joining us tonightare some very special guests
from the Time Pals podcast.
A couple months ago, we made aghostly appearance on their
podcast and now they're in ourrealm and they're here to learn
about a problem they didn't knowthat they had.
So, with that, how is everyone,and do you want to take some
time to introduce yourselves toour listeners and talk about
(01:54):
your podcast?
Speaker 5 (01:55):
Yeah, so this is Mike underscore, producer and
co-host of the time pals.
And before anything else, madam, I will have you know that I'm
drinking from a novelty plasticwine glass in the shape of a
skull right now, so there is noway this bullshit you're going
to try to throw at us is goingto affect me in any way.
Nothing is scarier in thismoment than a bunch of haunted
(02:16):
dinosaurs.
I'm just telling you so.
My three little time pals arefour geek dads.
We're the Time Pals, our fourgeek dads.
We decided to squander ourmidlife crisis by diving
(02:38):
headfirst into podcasting versusactually doing something
constructive like barbecuing orbeer making or, in the case of
Mr McBeardface, doing anythingmanly whatsoever.
But the other three thatusually join me?
There's John Powell and there'sNickel, and then we have
somebody who's not here with ustoday, which is Shadows Garden.
I want to throw it back to oneof my co-hosts, the lovely,
handsome John Powell.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Oh, thank you, I'll take that.
Yeah, speaking of bumping thenight last night I definitely
went bumping the night because Islammed my curse on this
podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
For the love of God, just don't say fuck or cunt or
twat or shit.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Oh, okay, Because I was going to say I hit my shit
on that fucking cunt of a bedframe of mine.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
You survived.
Speaker 5 (03:15):
Yes, I did.
Are you done, John?
No, never.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Until you take it from me violently.
Damn it you done, john.
We have no, never until youtake it from me violently and
then excuse me, I apologize forthat.
Speaker 5 (03:31):
So the other that came with us today is nickel.
He's basically the creativewhore.
He's a creative whore behindthe podcast.
He's a creative horse behindthe Time Pals and his name is
Nick.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
I love creative horse .
Speaker 4 (03:50):
Thank you for having me.
I'm the creative whore.
I guess I do this instead ofgoing to therapy.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Valid, very valid.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Therapy is expensive.
Speaker 5 (04:06):
Alcohol is cheap Nickle is Irish.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
There you go, you go, there you go oh I'm sorry, it's
scottish.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I believe in fact, you were at your, your people's
festival this weekend, nickel,it's all.
Speaker 5 (04:20):
So, as a brown person , it to be fair, you guys all
look alike.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
As a brown person.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
He's very racially ambiguous.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
This is true.
Well, I'm so glad you guys havejoined us.
We're going to have a lot offun, I can tell so, with that.
Oh, I guess I should ask Kyle,how are you?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Oh, I'm here.
Yeah, no, you're here, you knowknow, I'm just here, I'm just,
I'm just here.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
so I don't get sued.
Well, to be honest, I have agame of sorts for you guys that
I have now lovingly called thisuh, cryptid roommateate Roulette
.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Wait a minute.
I thought we were going to turnthe lights off and play who's
in my Mouth.
Is this the wrong episode?
Speaker 2 (05:12):
This is a very wrong episode.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Ah, shit, alright, my bad.
Speaker 5 (05:15):
We'll do that for Christmas.
I'm just gonna know who it is.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
So the rules of this game are pretty simple.
Um, you have a spare room thatyou're going to rent out and I,
as your real estate agent, havenarrowed it down to five
potential candidates.
I've done the research, thebackground checks, um, and by
the end of this you'll have tochoose one roommate.
(05:47):
And just so you know, these arereal files, completely
confidential.
They're deeply unverified andabsolutely paranormal.
So with that we're going tostart out with the first one,
who I've I've labeled candidateprivacy loving handyman with
(06:09):
composting opinions.
This is otherwise known asbigfoot, his, his last rental
history includes, uh, homes inplaces in the pacific, northwest
, in the appalachians, andbasically wherever the trail
goes is where he typically endsup.
Um, he prefers to pay his rentin cash, but it's always in a
(06:36):
flannel envelope.
He occasionally barters withstacked firewood.
As as far as his credit score,his credit score is kind of
off-grid, but he does have very,very outstanding references
from three park rangers and avery earnest Cabela's cashier.
(06:56):
So some of his pros are that heloves to fix everything doors,
outlets, the weird hum in therefrigerator.
He is a yard work machine.
He, you know, like mulch willjust appear like forest magic.
(07:19):
Um, he is that cannon forbigfoot.
Speaker 5 (07:24):
Is that something like?
Speaker 1 (07:26):
he goes to hollow earth to get it.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Okay, Okay, Go go ahead.
I'm sorry, I just I'm like whendid this become a big foot?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
He's um good as a deterrent to like porch pirates
and influencers.
He's good at reaching topshelves, but the cons are that
you will have hair everywhere.
The shower drain literallybecomes its own cryptid.
He has a tendency to track pineneedles and size 26 footprints
(07:59):
across the rug.
And he also will notparticipate in your roommate
TikToks your podcast anything,because he values mystery.
His work history is that he isa seasonal trail maintenance
person plus a wilderness guide.
He side hustles sellingethically forged mushrooms and
(08:26):
artisanal walking sticks.
He does convention appearancesfor fees in October and that's
pretty much it for hisemployment history.
Some of his habits include helikes to have coffee at dawn on
the balcony.
He's very silent.
He does like the ferment thingslike kombucha, sauerkraut and a
specialty he calls swamp tea.
(08:48):
He also likes to stack stonesfor vibes and I will tell you
that he's had some HOA disputesover the stones.
He has a house rule that notrail cams are allowed in the
inside of the home, not evenironically.
Another thing that puts himkind of in the green flag
(09:08):
category is that he can reallyhelp you rearrange your
furniture.
He can lift a couch solo.
He loves to label things in hexkey and again, he brings home
free firewood.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
So he's from Portland .
Speaker 5 (09:24):
God, he's just any dude from Portland I was going
to say the same thing Any dudefrom Portland.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Everything you've read is just anyone's resume.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
If you just throw a stone in Seattle, you will find
this person.
I swear to fucking Christ, justwalk around.
We're on the West Coast.
You have no idea how accuratethis is right now.
Coast.
You have no idea how accuratethis is right now.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
The only other red flag that he has is that he
loves to domesticate raccoons,and he does have a raccoon
that's with him all the time,named Douglas.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Wait, how is that a red flag?
Speaker 4 (09:58):
That's green flag all the way.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
That's green flag.
Okay, can I?
Speaker 4 (10:03):
already pick Bigfoot.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Yeah, the kombucha is all the way.
That's green flag.
Okay, can I already pickBigfoot?
Yeah, the kombucha is thekombucha is the red flag.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
Yeah, that's the red flag Kombucha.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Is his cosign still the six million dollar man?
I love a good kombucha.
There is no way.
You drink kombucha.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I have like a six pack in the fridge right now.
Turn on your camera.
Speaker 5 (10:25):
Show me the car facts .
There is no way you drinkkombucha.
I have like a six pack in thefridge right now.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Moving on.
Turn on your camera.
It's like show me the car facts.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
All right, so our next one is the anxious safety
inspector who is?
Otherwise known as MothmanMothman, is obviously from West
Virginia.
Mothman Mothman is obviouslyfrom West Virginia and although
he has rental history worldwide,he pretty much has always been
(10:56):
a West Virginia resident as faras the way he pays his rent and
his credit score, so he doesalways pay on time.
He prefers to pay by Venmo.
He prefers to pay by Venmo andhis credit score is 780, but it
will dip down to like 420 everytime a disaster is foretold.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Define disaster because like a disaster's credit
score or like 9-11?
It's all bridge related.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Right, it's all bridge related yeah, some of his
pros include that he's a nightowl.
He really kind of acts as yourown personal security cam.
He notices every creak, everyleak, every wire that seems to
be illegal.
He's going to catch it.
He has foldable wings, so he'skind of like a free box van for
(11:43):
the living room.
So he's kind of like a free boxfan for the living room and, uh
, he brings his own red moodlighting to any situation with
his eyes, whether you want himto or not whether you want him
to or not.
So that could be a con if you'renot really into mood lighting.
Uh, the con is he is forebodingabout everything the toaster,
(12:05):
aquariums, just a random Tuesday, Everything's foreboding.
He has a tendency to shedshimmering feathers and you know
he cries at the vacuum cleaner.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
He sounds like every Italian mother-in-law.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
It's the shimmering feathers, isn't it?
Speaker 5 (12:28):
It's the shimmering feathers.
My wife is half Italian, halfMexican.
This is so close to what Ialready lived with.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
I use the plastic covered furniture.
Speaker 5 (12:38):
You know, everything harms, like some saint you've
ever heard of.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
He's a freelance omen consultant and which has like
seasonal surge pricing aroundinfrastructure, so he makes a
decent living definitely um someof his habits are that he likes
to perch on the refrigerator towatch the weather.
He doesn't stay in one place fortoo long, so he may be a
(13:07):
short-term resident.
One of his house rules thathe'll fight for is no
unsolicited bridge talk atdinner or really any time.
No bridge talk, no bridge.
Some of the other things thathe has going for him is that
he's very good at returning yourtupperware.
(13:29):
He will text you don't go tocostco today, and every time, 10
out of 10.
He's always right.
He's always right about costco,okay, um, he's really good at
finding lost things, uh,especially keys, for some reason
, and he's very punctual, if nota little early, for important
(13:51):
events, and he loves to be partof historical events.
Former landlords say that hehas a tendency to stare at light
fixtures for long hours andhe's consistently muttering
(14:12):
cryptic messages under hisbreath, like don't go to work
tomorrow.
He brings pigeons home just totalk to them, and one of his
roommates did unfortunately gomissing after ignoring a
prophecy.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
So that's candidate mothman I mean fuck a boot and
find it son.
You know what I mean.
I just I don't know why, butyou said the thing about sitting
on the.
I literally just pictured likean eight foot fucking moth just
isn't he really big?
Yeah, he's huge I just, Iliterally just pictured mothman
like I had a family guy cutawayscene in my head.
(14:49):
I was just like go to get likemilk at like 2 am and I just
opened the fridge door andmothman's just there just
perched.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
To be fair, I've also just randomly told people I
don't like they're gonna diethat day, just in the hope that
when it happens it feels like Iactually did something.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
I actually put something in the universe.
Are you Mothman?
Speaker 5 (15:11):
No, no, but every now and again when Nickel's
annoying, I'm like Nickel, thisis it for you.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
Yep, yep.
And then I sign my will over toyou every time, but I never end
up dying.
Speaker 5 (15:27):
No, he's a survivor.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Oh, you know what I started.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
You beat me by like five seconds, so the next one
that we have is the chaoticcousin who knows a guy.
Does anybody want to take aguess at who this candidate is?
Speaker 4 (15:47):
It's got to be the chupacabra.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
No, dang, it Dang it.
Speaker 4 (15:56):
I took a guess.
Nobody else took a guess.
You were strong, you werestrong.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
That was with conviction, yeah.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
What about, like that bad omens are happening for you
, my friend?
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Oh, okay, alright, I'll talk to my lawyer tomorrow
and I'll get more money sentover to you, Mike, I think I
only know one other cryptid thanthe two we've done and the one
that Nickel just shouted yeah,the Jersey Devil is the only
other.
Nickel just shouted yeah, theJersey Devil is the only other
one I know.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Bing, bing, bing.
This is it, the Jersey Devil.
Yeah, the Jersey Devil.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Of course, because he knows a guy Of all the guests.
He knows a guy.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I didn't even link it to that.
I'm just like.
I only know one more.
Let's see if it's that.
I know a guy.
I didn't even link it to that.
I'm just like.
I only know one more.
Let's see if it's that, oh,dang it.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
He knows a guy Come on, good guess what.
You got some disaster goingdown, I'll take care of it.
I know a guy, don't worry aboutit.
Forget about it Fell off atruck.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
So his location, history, people in southwestern
United States and Mexico, theyknow people too.
I'm just saying you know,chupacabra wasn't a bad guess.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Moving on.
So his location, history is,you know, obviously the Pine
Barrens, and also he has beenknown to live in just about
every Wawa parking lot.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Have you been to?
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Wawa.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
Have you been to?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Jersey recently.
What's?
Speaker 5 (17:35):
a Wawa.
I don't know what that is.
We're from.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
California.
It's like Northeast Buc-ee's,but it sucks.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
I love Buc-ee's so much.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
Yeah, but you know what?
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Buc-ee's is though right.
Speaker 5 (17:48):
Yes, I drive out of my way.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
I drive out of my way by about 45 minutes every time
I go to either Dallas or Austinjust to go to Buc-ee's and stock
up.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I love Buc-ucky's so much.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Beaver Nuggets for the win?
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
So he will pay rent in crisp $10 bills that always
smell faintly of hoagies and hiscredit score is amazingly 666.
And he claims it's quoteunquote on brand.
So some of his pros are that hecan parallel park anything,
(18:35):
including your feelings.
He knows every shortcut, everytoll hack, every gas station
that has good ice.
He's very protective.
If someone takes your parkingspot they will hear hooves.
He has been banned in 12different apartment complex for
(18:59):
noise complaints, fire damageand general demonic ambience
complaints, fire damage andgeneral demonic ambience.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
but I put this in the pro because generally your
neighbors will leave you aloneif he's your roommate, okay, so
everything that he's been kickedout for are we're still talking
about the devil, or just anyonefrom like atlantic city, like
anyone from like south jersey.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
I'm pretty sure you've just read their dossier
so some of his cons are that youwill have to get used to
hearing hoof clatter at 3 am.
He has a tendency to pace whenhe's brainstorming, so just,
you're just gonna have to getused to the hooves.
There is an occasional tailsinge on curtains.
(19:41):
Um, he calls it pine baron'spatina.
He does enjoy loud sports.
He has loud opinions aboutsports.
He will boo the flyers and healso really hates just the
concept of new york well, yeah,he does we expect.
He's from jersey.
His side hustles includeregional cryptid, merch haunted
(20:06):
tour cameos and consulting, butwe don't really know what that
means.
He does have a very sketchyrental history, but he is pretty
wealthy.
He doesn't really have anyhouse rules that he'll fight for
, he just likes to hang, and soSome of his other green flags is
that he's always up to driveyou to the airport at 430 and he
(20:31):
will scare off the line cuttersfor you.
He knows how to throw a goodhouse party.
He always has the rightconnections for everything
Liquor runs, firewood, purse,jewelry, concert tickets.
He literally knows everyone and, fun fact, he's surprisingly
good at trivia nightsinteresting and then, uh, he
(20:56):
does insist that you call himsir.
Um, he has a tendency to screechwhen he's hungry.
He will not stop vaping.
It tends to be some form ofbanana menthol, and it has a
tendency to make everyone sick.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
Banana menthol.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Anyone from Jersey Got it Done?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Is banana menthol a real thing?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh yeah, I don't know .
Probably I think they putmenthol with anything.
He does have a tendency toassert his dominance by peeing
in the laundry room and he willbring his exes over at 2am and
they always end in some kind ofcultist seance.
(21:46):
So that is your candidate four.
I think that's candidate four.
No, that's candidate three.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
That's number three.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Yeah, so the next one that we have, the outdoorsy
minimalist Also.
Do not follow into the woods.
Anyone want to take a guess ofwho this candidate is?
Speaker 4 (22:11):
Well, it already like is this not the other?
Like southern Bigfoot type?
What is it?
The carry ape or whatever theycall it?
Speaker 1 (22:24):
The skunk ape.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Oh, the skunk ape, skunk ape.
Yeah, no, you can't have twoskunk apes in one podcast.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
They call it the Skunk Ape, skunk Ape, yeah,
skunk Ape, no, skunk Ape, dangit God.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
I'm 0 for 2, but I'm the only one guessing.
Speaker 5 (22:33):
You are embarrassing the time out.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
I don't know any other ones.
Okay, here I'll guess Is Nessiea cryptid?
Speaker 4 (22:44):
Nessie is a cryptid but no, Don't follow her into
the woods because she lives inthe lake.
You dummy.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
I don't know, man, I literally don't know cryptids.
Speaker 5 (22:57):
Reread the explanation again or the
description again.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
The outdoorsy.
Minimalist.
Do not follow into the woods.
Speaker 5 (23:08):
I don't know Minimalist is throwing me off,
just type it into the chat GBT.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Which could this be?
Speaker 4 (23:17):
Is it like a fae or a fairy?
No, not a siren.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
No, that's more water and they're.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
Europeans More water, dominic, this is fun.
We're not going until theyguess this is fun.
No, that's more water, andthey're.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Europeans.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
More water dummy.
What about no?
Speaker 4 (23:30):
this is fun.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
We're not going until they guess this is fun.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Is the Yeti just a different name for Bigfoot?
Speaker 4 (23:38):
No, this is a mountain goat dummy.
No.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
The Yetis are different from Bigfoot.
Bigfoot and Sasquatch they areof.
They're like a Same species,different race, if you will.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Okay, I give up, don't follow me to the forest.
Speaker 4 (23:59):
I mean, like what the Just tell us If anyone's Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Last hint, last hint.
How much knowledge do any ofyou have with the Witcher, the
games, specifically?
Speaker 3 (24:17):
I know that it is a game.
Speaker 5 (24:18):
You've all played it right.
Speaker 4 (24:20):
I've played it.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
What's the one that looks like a Leshen?
A?
What now?
The cryptid that looks like theLeshen or the Lechi?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Oh, I thought dolce de leche.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
No, not dolce de leche no, not a cake it's tres
leche tres leche is the caketres leche is the cake dolce de
leche.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
I don't think you guys are going to guess it.
No.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
I don't think so.
No, we're not.
I'm not going to do it.
I would have to end my book.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Okay, so this is the Wendigo.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Oh the.
Speaker 4 (24:56):
Wendigo Act like you know what the fuck that is.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
I do know what it is because it's a character from
Marvel Comics.
It's an X-Men.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
No the RV, the RV right.
It's a character from.
Speaker 5 (25:07):
Marvel Comics no the RV.
The.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
Winnebago Lone.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Star.
That's what Lone Star is A barfroad found on a Wendigo.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
So Wendigo is from the deep north.
We're talking, like you know.
Montana, that's the witcherconnection, the antlers in the
skull.
Yeah, kyle, did you know thisone?
You didn't guess, but yousounded like you knew what this
one was oh yeah, I know how doyou know you did.
(25:43):
I kept this from you.
How did you know?
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I know all.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I know all you know all.
Okay.
So the Wendigo likes to pay hisrent very early and he says
it's so hunger doesn't sneak upon him.
He is frostbitten or he isfrostbitten.
His credit score is frostbittenbut it's improving.
He likes to attend boundariesand snack groups and he feels
(26:13):
like that's going to help himimprove his credit score.
Question what is a?
Speaker 1 (26:17):
snack group how do we find them?
Yeah, it's like book club,which is we all that hard?
Speaker 2 (26:30):
up yeah for friends that we're gonna base everything
around snacks snacks right, Iam down I mean so some of his
pros are he keeps the fridgeorganized by the lunar phase.
He likes to set the thermostatto free Arctic AC.
(26:50):
In the summer it's bliss, butin the winter it's absolutely
terrible.
Depends on how you personallyrun in your temperature.
But he is great at maintainingyour hiking gear.
Your boots will never look aswaxed.
He's just great at hikinghiking gear, he's.
(27:10):
He's excellent at survival kits.
He always has a car scraper andhe uh is metaphorically always
accountable for everything thathe does.
Um, some of his cons are thathis intermittent ominous
whispers about gnawing cravingsusually for trail mix, but you
(27:32):
still never know.
He insists on keeping thefreezer full of emergency meat
substitutes and he startles veryeasily if somebody says
DoorDash.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Define meat substitute?
You mean like the veganbullshit where it's like soybean
bullshit, or is it like a humanliver, like I need to know what
substitute meat we're having Idon't know, it's just that he
just has an emergency at allangie an emergency.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
This doesn't make sense at all.
Angie, he's trying to become abetter person okay.
This is where the madness ends.
He does work as a ranger, apark guide, in peak season, and
he does sell ethically sourcedpinecone art, cone art.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
So he's not all bad that just makes me think of when
we made pine cone bird feedersin school.
Speaker 5 (28:39):
I'm not sure if they mean the.
The art is on the pine cone orthey use the pine cone in the
art and both of them areterrible, in my brain.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
I mean why not Pineapples, jesus Christ?
Speaker 2 (28:53):
He meal preps protein bars and he labels them as not
a metaphor.
He likes to sit by windowsduring snowstorms like a
Victorian with scurvy.
Yes, because, wendy.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Go Right, Wendy.
Go during snowstorms like avictorian was scurvy.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
Yes, that is windy, go right leather daddy is on
them right now.
Leather daddy's right.
God damn it.
My other time.
Pals are slacking.
You guys should have thought ofWendy.
Go Wendy.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Go.
The last thing about him isthat he does have a rule and he
says that no late-night truecrime cannibal episodes, because
he's in recovery, seems fair.
Speaker 5 (29:43):
Fair, that's great, fair, that's great.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
Yeah, I like it.
These are good these are realgood.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
All right, so the very last one is the HOA's least
favorite pet owner and anyguesses Ash Ketchum from Pokemon
.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Very close, very close, actually scary close, and
by scary close I mean not even.
Speaker 4 (30:11):
I'm not going to guess because, no, maybe you
should.
Yeah, you should.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
I think you should, I think you should, I think you
should say one of the answersyou've already said before.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
Oh, goddammit, go ahead, mike.
No, I'm trying to remember whatyou said.
Speaker 5 (30:30):
I'm trying to remember what you said, but I'm
like four Dos Equis in and Ibarely got it.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
The only reason why I want to say that it's the
Chupacabra is because I feellike on the side he's a
cockfighter.
It's the Chupacabra.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
He drinks the blood of Chupacabra.
It's the chupacabra I don'thave a chupacabra.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
We're right.
My last ditch effort of a hintfor them was to really test and
see if they listen to ourpodcast.
I wouldn't say that Mothmanwent to their quinceañera, that
is very true.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Oh, I do love a quince.
Speaker 5 (31:14):
You're going to be right eventually.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Yeah right.
So, as we know, the Chupacabrais Southwest Latin America, but
he has been banned from threepetting zoos.
He does pay his rent, um, buthe does request a small
livestock fee waiver.
His?
(31:36):
His credit score is unclear, um, but he had an identity theft,
uh, due to an alias of goatsommelier.
Speaker 5 (31:53):
Nice.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
There's only one person that knows what a
sommelier is.
Speaker 5 (31:58):
I know, I know.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Wait, wait, wait.
You're talking about the wineperson.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Yeah.
I thought, it was thecandlestick from Beauty and the.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Beast.
No, no, on the West Coast wepronounce it sommelier.
Yeah, I thought it was thecandlestick from Beauty and the
Beast.
Speaker 5 (32:08):
No, no, on the west coast we pronounce it sommelier
yeah, it's a sommelier honestly.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
I'm just dumb, so.
I thought those were pirates ofsommelier yeah, exactly, I am
the captain now, guys, right?
Speaker 5 (32:26):
in West Virginia, where they apparently don't
drink wine.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
They said drinking corn liquor out there, wine's
for the fucking week, or they'renot as pretentious.
Speaker 5 (32:39):
There are better people.
Salt of the earth.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
Real salt of the earth.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Note to self it's a say it again, sommelier.
Speaker 4 (32:51):
Sommelier.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Like the Girl Scout cookie.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
No, no, no, Think of it, that's Sommelier the
wrestlers.
Speaker 4 (32:57):
Sommelier Joe.
Speaker 5 (33:05):
Took over Captain Phillips' ship and then go yay,
and that's Somalia.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Somalia.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
God damn it, alright.
Well, no more wine jokes.
That was my last and only winejoke that I'll ever do in my
life.
Speaker 4 (33:24):
Yeah, way to get us kicked off of the podcast.
Mike, I'm sorry.
Speaker 5 (33:29):
Can we still guess?
Chupacabra Can we still guess?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
chupacabra.
So he is a keto chef.
He makes a mean adobo.
He's very loyal.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
Mike, this is your thing, man.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
If you're threatened, he will hiss like a pressure
cooker.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Hopefully not one from Boston.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
He doesn't like to handle any and all bug problems
and he's very aggressive aboutit.
So some of the cons is that hislast neighborhood, all of the
goats unionized against him, allof the goats unionized against
him, and he likes to keep quoteunquote.
Hydration pouches in the fridge.
(34:14):
They're always labeled as such,but they are this weird kind of
reddish pinkish color and heblames crop circles for missed
chore days.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
The goats unionized against him.
Watch out for the super cover.
He's bad news.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
Oh Jesus, what the fuck.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Slow clap, slow, slow clap.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
Thank you very much.
I'll see myself out.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Bad news.
So he works as a night shift.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
Phlebotomist.
Speaker 2 (34:54):
Clever, so yeah, don't worry too much about it.
Plus, he also does cameo shoutouts.
That's his work, history.
Speaker 3 (35:03):
Did you say phlebotomist or lobotomist?
Lobotomist.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
Lobotomist, phlebotomist, phlebotomist.
Oh okay, some of his habits arehe likes to sleep in the tub
for the acoustics and hecollects shiny bottle caps like
dragon treasure.
Oh okay, and some of his houserules are that do not shame him
(35:30):
for garlic, it's a culturalthing and do not come for him
over it.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
Defund, nevermind, nope, nope, nope, leaving it,
leaving it, nope.
Speaker 5 (35:41):
Beerzy, beerzy, don't go down.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Yep, I worded that wrong.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Yep, we're just going to let that happen.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
And he likes to introduce himself to goats as
their biggest fan.
So that's it.
That's the last candidate.
Speaker 5 (36:06):
So, we're all discussing all of them at once?
Are we going back and doingeach one individually?
Speaker 2 (36:13):
so you can, you know, go and tell us who you think
your roommate choice would be,and and why okay, hold on, I
have.
Speaker 4 (36:24):
I have one really big question.
Okay, shoot, that I think willapply.
It applies to all candidates.
Okay, that might help you guysalso make your decision.
So can you quickly walk usthrough any habits or any
(36:53):
enjoyments they might take, likedo they drink?
Do they smoke?
When they drink or smoke, whatdo they do?
Speaker 1 (37:02):
I have no idea why, but when you started your
question, I thought you weregoing to go.
Can you fuck them?
I don't know why.
Nope, I don't.
I thought you were going to go.
Can you fuck them.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
I don't know why I don't know why you're gonna no.
No, it's a really importantquestion when you're thinking
about a roommate like fair.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
That I mean also, it's not up to her.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
if we can fuck them, they have their own say yeah,
right.
Speaker 5 (37:28):
It's got to be consensual.
Speaker 4 (37:31):
Yeah, everyone has their own autonomy.
Speaker 5 (37:34):
We're not here to yuck anybody's yum.
Speaker 4 (37:37):
But, as the describer of our roommates, can you tell
us if they drink or if theysmoke or, you know, do other
things maybe?
Maybe bigfoot takes shrooms,whatever.
Speaker 5 (37:58):
But you can still live the life you have.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
Bigfoot, but like I imagine, bigfoot probably so I
can answer some of that for youokay, go for it as much as you
can for all five contestantsokay, so Bigfoot does forage for
(38:25):
mushrooms I'm sure that some ofthose would include and he
sells them.
So, they probably do includesome psychedelics.
Does he partake, probably?
Speaker 3 (38:40):
Can't tell that you haven't tasted.
Speaker 4 (38:41):
Is he going to have a beer with me?
Are we going to have a beer andtalk about bot like botanicals
and stuff.
Speaker 5 (38:48):
No, he brews his own.
He's gonna be a pain in the ass.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
Yeah, exactly he's yeah, yeah, see just think of
every hipster you've wanted tobeat in the face with a fucking
shovel man, what does mothmandrink?
Speaker 4 (39:03):
what does mothman do?
Smokes, crack smokes crack.
Speaker 5 (39:11):
I would like to think mothman is sober, like in my
mind he's been a practicingmormon you know what?
Okay, aside from the mormon oneguy always warning you about
your vices.
Speaker 4 (39:26):
If you take out like drugs and alcohol and you just
replace it with collapsingbridges, you're not healthy.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
You ain't wrong, I'll give you that.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
I would say Mothman.
He has a really good creditscore 780, so he probably
doesn't have that many vices.
I think his only vice is justbrooding about really, really
dark stuff.
Listening to.
Speaker 5 (39:55):
The Cure sitting in his room alone.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (39:58):
Me and him are going to be friends.
I know who my vote's going tobe for.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Yeah, I do kind of feel like Mothman would live a
straight edge kind of life.
Maybe he tried a couple ofthings in college college but it
just wasn't for him.
He didn't like the taste, hedidn't like the smell and things
like that.
So he's just like it's just,but I don't think he would judge
you for doing it.
He was like, hey, just take itoutside.
I don't want the apartmentsmelling like that, you know I'm
actually the reverse.
Speaker 5 (40:21):
I think he's never done anything and he's going to
be smug and hold it over on you.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
Oh, like the Jersey Devil definitely is.
Speaker 3 (40:31):
I thought you said CM Park.
Speaker 5 (40:33):
And then telling you how you're doing it wrong.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Yeah, jersey Devil, he's definitely a drinker,
smoker he does pot.
He does all the drugs, he knowseveryone.
I bet you he tried them all buthe doesn't.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
I bet you he tried them all but he doesn't.
I bet you he tried them all buthe doesn't do them.
He probably smokes like Newport100s and drinks like stale,
shitty, natty daddies and but heacts like he does all your
other stuff, but he has no cluewhat he does.
He goes oh man, I did so muchcoke last night I totally fell
asleep.
No, the fuck, you did.
You know what you're talkingabout.
Speaker 5 (41:07):
I think we've all had that similar lie in high school
.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
You guys can't tell I don't like the state of New
Jersey.
Speaker 4 (41:12):
What about the Windingo?
Speaker 1 (41:16):
The Windingo.
Speaker 4 (41:16):
I don't know about that one.
I don't know about the.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Windingo, but I know about the Windigo.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
The Windigo whatever.
Speaker 3 (41:23):
Is it Windingo, the thing you used to call for movie
times?
Speaker 2 (41:27):
That was good, that was very good.
Speaker 4 (41:31):
Very good, I think the Windigo is.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
I think the Windigo is pretty straight-laced.
I mean, you know he's very intohiking, very into the woods,
he's very communal.
I think his only vice is eatingquestionable meat from
questionable sources.
Speaker 1 (41:56):
Eating people.
You know, eating people.
Speaker 5 (41:59):
I'm still confused about it.
I didn't know his wholebackstory had a lot to do with
ice.
Speaker 4 (42:04):
Yeah, he's from the frozen north he's more straight,
straight laced than say Bigfoot, right, what?
Speaker 5 (42:13):
about the.
Speaker 4 (42:13):
Chupacabra.
Speaker 5 (42:16):
Quinceañeras, you gotta go to church every Sunday.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Quinceañeras.
Speaker 3 (42:21):
You know he's drinking the only thing that
Chupacabra has qualms about iswhether he's gonna pick Corona
or Modelo.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
That's it.
That's his biggest problem.
Speaker 5 (42:31):
Dos Equis right now my friend Dos Equis.
Right now Exactly.
Speaker 3 (42:37):
The most interesting creature in the world.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
Exactly, oh, you beat me to it.
You beat me to it.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it's
fucking goat's blood.
Say thirsty, my friends.
I don't always leave that in myfridge, but if I do, you don't
touch them.
Speaker 4 (43:00):
That made my decision .
Speaker 5 (43:03):
Beer really.
Speaker 4 (43:06):
Oh, yeah, yeah, but I'm not into anything right now.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
I'm open to you know how do they feel about game
nights?
Speaker 5 (43:18):
Oh, oh, that's a good one yeah.
What kind of games would theyplay?
Exactly Well, the.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Jersey Devil devil, and remember I said he's very
good at trivia night, so he'sgonna, he's.
Speaker 5 (43:33):
I'm trying to think of some trivia games like
trivial I feel like, because heis from jersey and a douchebag,
it's not a trivia night he'sgonna ask you a question and
just tell you he's wrong.
You, you know what I mean.
Tell you you're wrong and thensmash a beer on his head.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Exactly, exactly, like exactly 100%.
Nope, kevin Bacon was not onFootloose.
Speaker 5 (43:55):
Who's your favorite baseball team?
Nah, that's stupid faggot.
And then like smash a beer.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
I've known of you guys like that.
Speaker 4 (44:06):
Right, there's no actual conversation.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
Which one likes Naked Twister.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Are you asking for a friend.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
No, I'm asking for me .
Speaker 1 (44:21):
I am me, I am friend.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
Depending on how unkempt the fur is, if it could
feel uncomfortable on thenethers.
Depending on what that spin armlands on.
I think the.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Wendigo would be very into Naked Twister.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
Interesting, interesting.
At least there's cooling action, which one gives out raccoons,
which one gives out raccoons,which one's domesticating
raccoons.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
That was Bigfoot, wasn't it?
Speaker 1 (44:50):
That was Bigfoot Bigfoot's got the army of
raccoons.
He's just going to show up likeKristoff from Frozen, but
instead of little rock trolls,it's a bunch of fucking raccoons
.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
I mean I'm not against that I'd see Bigfoot
being down for game night.
He'd be down for game night.
Speaker 5 (45:03):
Likes a good Uno game .
Speaker 3 (45:06):
I feel like, if he's like hipsters, it's going to be
like he used a CNC set to createhis own rare wood version of
Settlers of Catan that he wantsyou to play on.
And if you just approve theboard game version.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
The Oregon Trail, the board game?
No, I don't think that, oh my.
Speaker 4 (45:28):
God.
Oh well, there is a card game,like a puzzle game, of the
Oregon Trail.
Yeah, that you can buy, yeah,but John, I don't think that's
fair for you to be like, oh,hipster Portland, I think you
know if maybe he drinks his ownIPAs and you know his microdust
(45:53):
and shrooms, maybe he just likesUno.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Yeah, because he's from fucking portland.
We've been over this right.
Do people from portland havelike?
Do they lean towards playinguno?
Speaker 1 (46:09):
I don't know well, yeah, because it's spicy,
because it's a differentlanguage.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
So which which, by the way, some fucking tool came
out with a version of uno inenglish that he sells and it is
actually called one, and it'sfucking, it's just it's horrible
it's.
I'm sorry you can.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
I want to say things that, but I won't have you seen
the version of go fish called gofuck yourself wait, that's an
actual game.
Speaker 1 (46:43):
I thought that was just how my family always played
go fish yeah I was just like,oh cool, your thanksgivings are
the same way.
It's like hey dad, you got anysixes?
Go fuck yourself, all right mybad.
Speaker 4 (46:54):
No, I don't go, fuck yourself go fuck yourself.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
you were a little prick.
Thanks, Dad, I'll be back overhere because I'm eight.
Speaker 4 (47:06):
So another note I have about the Mothman, though,
is like under useful skills,because I was taking notes as
you were reading this out and Iwas like paranoia is not a
useful skill.
You were like he's up all nightlooking out the window.
(47:28):
That's not useful, that's weird, it's entertaining.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
It's weird until you're one of the only people
that survives a governmenttakeover of the country and no,
no, but like as a normal, as atrust me, I've lived it as a
normal person with roommatesthat have that tendency.
That's not a fun thing as anormal person with roommates.
Speaker 4 (48:01):
That's not a fun trait to have in roommates.
Speaker 1 (48:04):
Exactly, but it's a giant fucking moth.
Speaker 4 (48:09):
So it's got to be a little entertaining.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
No, no, but it's a giant moth in your house, yeah,
but it's paying right.
It's got great credit score.
Speaker 4 (48:21):
No, but it's paying rent and it's got a great credit
score.
Speaker 1 (48:24):
No, bigfoot's the best choice.
Bigfoot's pretty solid.
I'll give you that Because,like you said, he bruises on
beer.
He's definitely going to bruiseon beer.
Man, double IPAs all day, let'sgo.
Speaker 4 (48:36):
See that to me, but really it's the raccoon pet that
sold it for me.
Speaker 3 (48:41):
OK, literally OK.
I've been chasing OK story time, story time.
I have been chasing this highfor at least 15 years, if not 20
.
I used to work at Stanford andone of the doing like all sorts
of extra stuff.
I didn't have any like cool,I'm not a smart person, no
professor or anything.
I worked at facility stuff andwe helped with the graduation
(49:08):
every year and one of the thingsI did was drive people's
elderly relatives to theindividual graduations for their
like's, like the school ofengineering, the school of
business, etc, etc.
Because we were big ass fuckingcampus.
Um, and so I'm driving this golfcart one day and this family
(49:29):
gets in and out of the corner ofmy eye seeing small animal and
I'm driving.
I'm like, oh, I think I thoughtit was a puppy.
I'm like, oh, can I see yourpuppy?
And the person just goes sureand hands me a baby raccoon.
That's fucking great.
And I was like, oh my god.
And I was so happy for thatmoment to hold that adorable
(49:49):
baby raccoon that even holdingmy adorable own baby children
has not brought me that joy.
They're, they're listening andlooking at me like what the fuck
man children has not brought methat joy.
That's me fair they're listeningand looking at me like what the
fuck man?
Speaker 1 (50:05):
And then you show them the pictures.
It's a fucking baby, raccoon,don't be so goddamn modest.
Speaker 3 (50:08):
Don't be so vain.
You think you're cuter thanthis?
No, but seriously.
Ever since then, I'm just like.
I want a pet raccoon.
I want to hold a raccoon.
I want to go volunteer at thenature museum and feed the
raccoon.
It's just like.
Speaker 5 (50:23):
I love raccoons.
Which primp foot is closest toLenny from Of Mice and Men?
Because I'm going to guess.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
John's Probably Bigfoot.
That's got to be Bigfoot.
Speaker 3 (50:32):
Too many of those double IPAs and he's going to be
snapping necks.
Speaker 1 (50:36):
Going to live off the fat of the land.
John, Tell me about the rabbits.
Tell me about the raccoons.
Speaker 3 (50:44):
Oh, I mean there's a couple of them.
It's a hard choice.
It's a hard choice for me.
Speaker 5 (50:53):
So do we do the Time House, have to come up with one,
or do we all get our own?
Speaker 2 (50:58):
I think we all get our own.
Yeah, this is an individual.
We all get our own.
I think I would get their own.
You all get your own.
Yeah, this is an individual.
Speaker 3 (51:03):
You get your own roommate.
Oh, that's cool.
Speaker 2 (51:08):
This ain't New Girl.
Speaker 4 (51:13):
We're not all sharing an apartment.
Speaker 5 (51:18):
Yeah, well, I'll definitely vote out, john.
If that was the case, you woulddo that out of spite every time
.
Anyway, who's left?
Is it me?
Everybody pick one already.
Speaker 4 (51:29):
Yeah, Bigfoot's my dog.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
I'm on the fence right now.
I'm on the fence right nowbecause I like Bigfoot for a
couple reasons, but I alsodislike Bigfoot for a couple
reasons, but I also dislikeBigfoot for a couple reasons.
Speaker 5 (51:41):
Why do you hate Bigfoot?
Speaker 3 (51:42):
I fucking hate IPAs and everything about IPAs and
the fact that IPAs exist and thefact that everybody loves them
so much.
Speaker 5 (51:49):
I hate you.
I'm not an IPA at all.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
We just assumed that he was making IPAs.
We just assumed.
Speaker 4 (51:56):
John, just for the record.
Yeah, I created that assumption.
Speaker 3 (52:01):
Oh, that wasn't an action.
Okay, no.
Speaker 4 (52:05):
I created that assumption.
Speaker 5 (52:07):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
That was not in my research.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
No, got it, because I assumed that was something like
he does the kombucha and theIPAs thing.
Speaker 5 (52:19):
I mean that's fine too.
No, we'll just nickel fuckingwith you, oh shit.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
Alright, yeah, I think I'm going to go Bigfoot
then.
Speaker 1 (52:28):
Fucking IPAs man.
Speaker 4 (52:31):
Also another big thing about Bigfoot is if he's
going to have a dispute with theHOA.
I'm all on board.
I'm on the HOA all day.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
I do like a good throwdown with the HOA.
I'm with you.
Speaker 4 (52:47):
I'll be petty with the HOA For sure.
Speaker 3 (52:52):
As much as I like, I like the Chupacabra too, but
Bigfoot just kind of ekes himout of it.
Speaker 2 (52:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (53:00):
Okay, I like that.
That's valid.
Alright we got two for.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
Bigfoot.
Speaker 5 (53:07):
Two for Bigfoot.
Okay, I'm going with theChupacabra.
Not only is it, not onlybecause I'm part Mexican, so we
kind of have already a culturalunderstanding, but we both suck.
That's a already a culturalunderstanding, but we both suck.
So that's a big reason for it.
I don't remember a lot of theins and outs, but I guarantee
(53:27):
you nobody's paying attention tous.
Our credit is terrible.
I'm just taking it.
I would love to think of it forno other reason than I think
I'll understand it more.
Yeah, I'm not really sure whatelse to say, because in my mind
my perfect roommate is everybody.
(53:49):
That's not him.
The way you describe everybodyelse.
I'm like I either live withthat guy or I know that guy and
I hate that guy.
It doesn't matter to me at all.
I know it's not the mostdetailed explanation, but that's
where I'm standing right now Ilove that his, his.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
The tip of the spear there for him was because he's
mexican and sucks.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
That was great.
All right, kyle, it's up to youBring it home.
Speaker 1 (54:24):
Oh, it's my turn.
Oh, wendigo, forever Hands down.
Speaker 2 (54:28):
Hands down Wendigo.
Speaker 1 (54:29):
Hands down.
Wendigo, we're both cold,questionable meat choices.
Lower that AC down like amother.
Totally fine, we're goinghiking Very outdoorsy, very
woodsysy.
Just give us our cabin, leaveus alone you know, past the
spare ribs.
Well, well, angie, who wouldyou bunk with?
(54:50):
Yeah, oh, oh man um oh, don'tmake it act like.
Don't act like you don't knowexactly who you're going to.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Yeah, who?
Okay, who do you think I'mgoing to say?
Then, Kyle, Mothman.
And do you know why I'm goingto say Mothman?
Speaker 1 (55:07):
Am I allowed to say in front of these guys, or
Absolutely.
Speaker 5 (55:10):
You do remember your Mothman.
I do remember that episode, Mmyeah.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
Absolutely.
There's one, Kyle, go ahead Sayit.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
Oh, because Mothman's one of your hear-me-outs.
Speaker 5 (55:25):
Because Mothman was my first.
Speaker 1 (55:27):
Mothman's, one of your hear-me-outs.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
Because have you ever seen this statue of Mothman?
Yeah, he's ripped he's rippedand he has an ass that you could
bounce a quarter off of.
Speaker 5 (55:42):
You see, McFlannell faces the same though.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
I have no ass, I have zero ass.
Speaker 5 (55:49):
You have a weakness.
I'm not going to exploit that.
Speaker 1 (55:52):
But I will.
Speaker 5 (55:59):
So Mothman, I do remember the Mothman statue.
It's like a pro wrestler statue.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (56:04):
It's fucking nuts yeah it is absolutely ripped I
gotta look this up of course youdo.
Speaker 1 (56:11):
And there's I.
While you're at it, look atlucifer.
Yeah, wow with that statue.
Speaker 2 (56:21):
I don't understand why they put the ass that they
did on that statue.
Speaker 3 (56:25):
But holy god, dude's got a it's it's it's, it's the
perching, the perching on thingsand getting up those squats
really work the glutes yeah, butthat shit ain't flying.
Speaker 5 (56:36):
That shit's not flying.
There's no way.
I mean, it's shaped like arefrigerator, there's no.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (56:44):
A lot of time under tension.
Speaker 4 (56:48):
Okay, let's point out the fact that she put together
this whole hypothetical episode.
Speaker 5 (56:54):
Just to talk about how she must have.
Speaker 4 (56:56):
With all of these.
With all of these very, verycreative and very detailed and
very beautifully writtendescriptions of a character.
Speaker 3 (57:15):
She built characters only to just be like I want
Mothman's ass but to be fair,that's in lockstep with the rest
of us going like the rest of uswere.
Just like IPA bad, I likeRaccoon, yes well, he's half
(57:35):
Mexican.
Speaker 5 (57:36):
Of course he's going to love the trip to California.
We spent 45 minutes managingvery eloquently, amazingly
written.
Speaker 4 (57:44):
The descriptions were so eloquent.
Speaker 5 (57:47):
All of us stood back.
Time Pal stood back and we'relike, hey, this is an amazing
written thing, only for Angie tobe like, no, fuck you guys, I'm
fucking that moth.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
I was taking notes.
Speaker 5 (58:06):
I'm just saying these are cryptids still.
Speaker 4 (58:09):
I was taking notes.
I was taking notes.
I've never taken notes, it'strue, on any of the Time Pals
podcasts.
I've never taken notes, it'strue.
Speaker 1 (58:18):
On any of the Time Pals podcast.
I've never taken notes.
Speaker 4 (58:23):
But I was like okay, I gotta jot down these notes on
the descriptions of each ofthese characters.
Speaker 1 (58:27):
They're taking it so serious.
Speaker 4 (58:29):
You can bounce a quarter.
Speaker 5 (58:31):
Nickel was texting me saying hey, what if I say this?
What if I say that?
What do you think?
And I'm like I don't know wherethis is going.
Man, do the best you can.
Speaker 4 (58:40):
That's a lie.
Speaker 5 (58:41):
That is a lie.
Speaker 1 (58:46):
They try to be so professional and respect the
shit out of Angie and it's herturn.
She goes.
I want that moth dick thatstatue.
Speaker 3 (58:53):
Put some rust on those aluminum cheeks.
Speaker 5 (58:55):
Angie, nobody's stopping you from going there.
Speaker 2 (58:59):
I have gone there.
I mean to the statue.
How do you know, Did you finish?
Did you finish?
Every time A local?
Speaker 3 (59:09):
woman arrested for attaching phallus to a treasured
statue God.
Speaker 4 (59:17):
Is that why you?
Speaker 5 (59:17):
called the black curtain, though, because we just
shut the blinds and then thered mood lighting even a time
pals episode oh christ.
Speaker 3 (59:31):
I just pictured that like no, no, no, open your eyes.
Speaker 2 (59:34):
I want the lights yeah, exactly yeah, it's the red
mood lighting.
I want the lights.
Yeah, exactly yeah, it's thered.
Speaker 5 (59:41):
It's the red mood lighting, yeah, yeah I wouldn't
bang my chupacabra, but Iunderstand and just imagine
(01:00:03):
after you're hot and sweaty hecan just flap his wings to cool
everything down.
I mean what's going on?
This is a roommate.
Speaker 1 (01:00:12):
This has become a very different episode.
Speaker 4 (01:00:17):
This is getting into a whole more complicated realm
of like roommate versus like.
Are we doing like?
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
a new girl calm situation underscore.
Bring something up the thepaying of the rent like.
According to what I've seen onthe internet, apparently sex is
a valid way to pay the rent.
Speaker 1 (01:00:38):
Yes, very, very true.
Multiple times I've seen.
Speaker 5 (01:00:42):
So should you vote for a roommate?
That's unfuckable.
Speaker 4 (01:00:47):
I mean do what you want.
Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
Same thing.
I'm not banging the Wendigo,but like you know Valid question
.
Speaker 5 (01:00:56):
To be fair, the Wendigo bangs you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
Fair enough.
Listen, all I'm saying is fair.
The Wendigo bangs you.
Fair enough.
All I'm saying is the Wendigoon this list.
All I'm saying is there's not alot of crypts, that would we
start putting Myth Monsters onthere too.
You throw Medusa on there.
You know I'm going to get ashot.
I'm going to get some blinders.
Speaker 3 (01:01:15):
At least you'll be hard with the Medusa.
Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
There you go For longer than four hours.
I feel, like that.
Speaker 3 (01:01:23):
Wendigo, your last thought is just going to be like
oh my god, is this what I'vebeen doing to my flashlight?
Speaker 5 (01:01:29):
I just want to know how Angie's going to wrap this
up, because I'm a monster.
Speaker 3 (01:01:33):
How do you?
Speaker 5 (01:01:33):
bring this back to the original point of the entire
episode.
Speaker 2 (01:01:36):
I don't know, you just go original form of the
entire episode I don't know.
Speaker 3 (01:01:42):
I just you should just hit the hang up button.
Speaker 2 (01:01:45):
Yeah, like, well, I think that does it for this
episode.
Speaker 3 (01:01:50):
Do the crackle like you're crunching a paper.
Oh sorry, we're breaking upright now.
I guess we gotta disconnect.
Speaker 4 (01:01:58):
I don't know what to do.
I'll just do the.
Speaker 2 (01:02:04):
Irish goodbye and just hang up, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Okay, it happened one time because I lost my internet
.
Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
Yeah, I could always say I lost my internet.
Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
Hey.
Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
What.
Don't give me that shit, don'tgive me that shit don't give me
that.
Speaker 5 (01:02:21):
One time happens one time so who wins angie and why
is it us?
Speaker 2 (01:02:28):
who wins?
I think you all are winners.
You came out of this experimentwith um very, very wonderful
new roommates.
I think you all are winners.
Speaker 1 (01:02:40):
In a brand new way to see Angie, or just like wow.
Speaker 2 (01:02:45):
And you got to know me in a very weird way, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:02:54):
So just to be clear, who did everyone pick?
I picked.
Speaker 5 (01:02:59):
Bigfoot Chupacabra for me, wendigo.
Speaker 4 (01:03:04):
And then Mothman, and then Mothman.
She told us she was mid-drag ofa fucking cigarette there the.
Speaker 1 (01:03:10):
Jersey Devil Not bad.
Speaker 5 (01:03:12):
Mothman, I will never judge you.
For whatever you're into, Ishould have guessed that a
podcast about horror would beterrifying at some point in time
for me, look my otherhear-me-out is Pyramid Head.
It's like Mothman and PyramidHead.
My other hear-me-out is PyramidHead, famously as a giant ass.
Speaker 2 (01:03:34):
How about that Bob Pyramid?
Speaker 1 (01:03:36):
Head has a giant everything.
Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Pretty sure.
Speaker 1 (01:03:42):
Overcompensation.
Speaker 2 (01:03:44):
I don't know all those, all those nurses like to
get deboned by him no, no nothey get reboned by him.
If you think about it, true heyyo, alright, I'm gonna wrap
this up.
Do I hear crows?
Hey yo, all right, I'm going towrap this up.
Do I hear crows?
(01:04:04):
Is that an?
Speaker 3 (01:04:04):
omen.
Yeah, no, no, our new houseliterally is in the middle of
the fucking woods with a murderof crows.
He's trying to meet one ofthese.
This is not a murder of crows.
This is a genocide of crows.
There are so many fucking crows.
Speaker 4 (01:04:19):
This is a genocide of crows there are so many fucking
crows.
Speaker 3 (01:04:22):
They are like two, three hundred crows all
throughout this neighborhood.
Speaker 4 (01:04:26):
I am so glad it's you having bird sounds instead of
me this time.
Speaker 3 (01:04:31):
Oh, I love it.
I love it, I'm happy about it.
Speaker 1 (01:04:33):
Murder of crows.
It's a genocide that was good.
Speaker 2 (01:04:37):
Yeah, that was good, all right, well.
Well, there you have it fivecryptids, five terrible
roommates and zero hope of evercoming back from this episode.
Time pals, it's been greathaving you here.
We've had a blast.
I hope you guys have had funand we.
(01:04:58):
We should get together and dothis again sometime.
Remember to follow the TimePals as well.
Come over and give them somelove and some follows on their
podcast.
Be sure to like and share andtell your friends about us.
We need comments, we needratings.
Feel free to follow us on allsocial medias and, um, yeah, I
(01:05:23):
think that's it.
Speaker 5 (01:05:24):
Peace out yeah, it's underscore for the time.
Pals and john and nickel, thankyou very much for having us.
Obviously, you guys are invitedanytime you guys want.
We always enjoy you.
And I have a brand newperspective on Angie somehow.
So we're going to have to comeup with a different non-sexual
episode, but it'll be good,we'll talk.
(01:05:47):
We'll talk.
Speaker 1 (01:05:48):
We'll sexualize it, don't worry.
Speaker 2 (01:05:50):
I guarantee you yes, alright, say bye Kyle.
Speaker 1 (01:05:58):
Bye Kyle, bye Kyle.
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