The Lord of the Kinks

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 2 (00:22):
Before we begin today's episode of the Black
Curtain Club, we would like toshare a quick disclaimer.
The views, opinions andstatements expressed by the
hosts and guests on this podcastare their own personal view and
are provided in their personalcapacity.
All content is editorial andopinion-based, intended for
entertainment purposes only.
Listener discretion is advisedfor entertainment purposes only.

Angie (00:46):
Listener discretion is advised.
Hey there and welcome back tothe Black Curtain Club.
I'm your host, angie, and todaywe're kicking off a brand new
special series all about popculture with a twist.
Now we know you've been dyingfor something different, so hold
on to your cloaks, becausetoday we're diving into the
world of mythical characters,epic quests and kinks.

Becca (01:07):
That's right.
We figured why not kick it offwith the Lord of the Rings, the
characters we all?
Know and love, but with alittle, shall we say, extra
dimension.

Angie (01:16):
Becca, I've got to say you're the perfect person to
dive into this.
You've spent more time inMiddle-earth than I've spent
watching Dexter and Game ofThrones combined.
Guilty as charged, and speakingof being well-versed in Lord of
the Rings lore, we've got avery special guest today Kyle
Powers, the only other person Iknow that can duel Becca in an

(01:38):
epic battle of Lord of the Ringsknowledge.

Becca (01:40):
This is going to be so fun.

Angie (01:42):
So Kyle's joining us today for the ultimate kink off.
One kink to rule them all, onekink to find them, one kink to
bring them all and, in thedarkness, find them.
My God, I love it.
So get ready, folks.
We're about to get creativewith our favorite hobbits, elves
and wizards.
And remember, this is all ingood fun.
No judgment, just a little Lordof the Ring exploration to

(02:05):
brighten your day, kyle.
Welcome to the Black CurtainClub.
Hey, that me.

Kyle (02:10):
Hello.

Angie (02:14):
Whatever, I love it.
So, kyle, I love it.
So, kyle, please tell ourlisteners a little bit about
yourself.
How deep does your Lord of therings knowledge run, and are you
truly prepared to duel beccafor middle earth's kinkiest
crown?

Kyle (02:34):
deep enough.
I probably should have a safeword, but I don't know if I'm
gonna actually use one.
I mean, let's see.
I mean, what the fuck else am Igonna do?
I mean, let's see.

Angie (02:44):
What the fuck else am I going to do?
Okay, so, kyle, is thereanything that you want to tell
us about yourself?

Kyle (02:49):
Well, what do you want to know?
Because I'll tell you prettymuch anything if the price is
right.
That's a joke.
Let's see.
Let's see Self-diagnosed supermega nerd that whenever he gets
a really heavy case of theboo-hoos he just puts on lord of
the rings.
If that's any type of funinformation anyone would care
about or give a crap about niceuh, I've been cosplaying

(03:13):
quote-unquote officially for Idon't know, let's say five years
we'll go with.
But I've always been obsessedwith like halloween, if you
count that as cosplaying.
And I've always, even when Iwas like really young, like 10
years old, I always wanted tomake my own costumes because I
felt they looked better than theones you would get at, like you
know, at the costume store orwhatever, and we had to save up

(03:36):
to be poor growing up, so it wasalways cheaper, so we were able
to get more better out of itfrom it.
Um, aside from that, like anyother millennial, I uh have
aggressive adhd and so I can'tstop.
With all my various crafts andendeavors.
I've really gotten to leatherworking specifically, let's say
like three years, three, fouryears, nice that's.

(03:58):
That has actually beenmonumentally, I don't want to
say, or has been enabling mylove for Lord of the Rings a
little bit more, because now Ican get more accurate with some
of whether it's just a costumeor a prop or whatever it is,
because there's so much morelike leather and fabrics in that
rather than foam, and I don'thave the money or patience to

(04:20):
get into like smithing.
So leather it is to get intolike smithing, so leather it is.

Becca (04:26):
I just want to say real quick too, like this is the
perfect franchise for acosplayer, because they did
everything uh, practically eventhey, down to the chain mail.
Every single little link wasput in by hand like these people
.
They went all out with thismovie.
So I mean, I'm excited to getinto this.
I feel like you're the perfectperson to go into this.

(04:48):
But yeah, thank you all right.

Angie (04:52):
Well, let's begin.
So for our listeners, just wantto say we are basing all of our
assessments on how thesecharacters were presented in the
movies, specifically,specifically, just to mention
here, these are the extendededitions, which everyone knows.
Those are the only versionsthat truly exist.
So let's begin.
Facts.

Becca (05:13):
Sorry.

Kyle (05:14):
Tom.

Becca (05:14):
Bombadil.
Sorry, Tom.

Angie (05:16):
Bombadil.
So I have these characters kindof broken up into categories.
We're going to go through themain characters, then we have
the major antagonists and thensome other key characters that
we'll work through as you battlethis out.
So let's start with Frodo.
Baggins and Beckett I'm goingto turn it over to you.
You are the home team, so youget first throw on.

(05:39):
What is his secret key?

Becca (05:41):
Okay, frodo Baggins, he's an adult baby.
You want to elaborate or do youwant to let's see what kyle
says yeah, let's see what kylesays.
If kyle agrees, I don't need todefend myself, right?

Angie (05:52):
so, kyle, you're the visiting team, so what is your
assessment?

Kyle (05:56):
uh, I really don't think there needs to be any type of
debate.
I'm pretty sure stevie wondercan see that he is an adult baby
, exactly.

Becca (06:06):
No questions asked frodo wants to be fed, changed,
carried around, exactly awesomewell, this is off to a riveting
start with two agreements.

Angie (06:17):
Um, all right.

Becca (06:18):
Next we have the big guy, gandalf for gandalf I will have
to say xenophilia.

Angie (06:27):
And do you want to explain what that is?

Becca (06:29):
So that is somebody that has like a fascination with
other cultures.

Kyle (06:33):
This one was.
This was one of the few thatwas really tough for me Because
I feel like there's a couple ofthem.
I feel they would be into a lotof stuff, but I'm trying to see
if I can narrow it.
Like, without a doubt, thisone's happening all the time, no
questions asked, for thistransformation.
What is transformation?
That is, for transforming orchanging people into other

(06:54):
people, objects or creatures.
I feel like that would be hissecret one, because that's kind
of one of those like band magics.
It definitely was a part of theblack magics.
Okay, so I don't know if thisgets dq'd, because we did say
specifically the movies.
I just know that something likethat one is kind of like a
no-no and like dark magic thatshouldn't be practiced by the
wizards.
So I feel like that's why thatwould be his secret is because,

(07:16):
like, I literally can turn youlike into a snake and like shove
you up my asshole asshole oh, Imean xenophilia.

Becca (07:31):
He's obsessed with hobbits, he's obsessed with the
dwarves and he's never hangingout with wizards.
So that is, that's my defensefor xenophilia.
But I can absolutely seetransformation that's also
what's tough.

Kyle (07:42):
But I also feel like the xenophilia is because he just
interacts with all the differentraces, because he is like, in
essence, like a god.
He kind of has to, so he's justeveryone's friend.
So I don't think he does itbecause it's turning him on.

Becca (07:55):
He does it just because he kind of has to like it's his
job all right, I'll give youtransformation, strictly because
of the scene in two towerswhere he whips off his cloak
dramatically to show he'sGandalf the White now.

Kyle (08:08):
I'll give it to you.
And then he immediately Théoden, being like like thrown back in
his chair by his majesty.

Angie (08:16):
Perfect, All right.
So next we have Aragorn.
I got boxed.

Becca (08:23):
So for Aragorn I did knife play, so like involving
bladed weapons, getting a littlefreaky with that.
That's 100% his thing.

Kyle (08:30):
Because we're going for, like, secret ones that no one
was like.
Oh yeah, they really are redMm-hmm, obviously aside from
Frodo, because there's literallynothing else that Frodo could
be into.

Becca (08:41):
Exactly, you can agree.

Kyle (08:45):
You know, could be into exactly.
You can agree.
You know I'm right.
No, because he's way too.
He's way too nice.
I don't think he'd be intonight flight.
He's way too much like agentleman.
I think his secret one isshibari.
In my head he was out on a huntone time this is kind of how I
figured that it was or he wassome creature, some whatever the
hell, almost if it was likebounty hunting, that's what it
was.
So he needs to now bring itback to whatever the towns, uh,
whatever.
He was just tying it up and herealized, hmm, my trousers feel
different when he realized that,like, as he's like lashing this

(09:09):
deer or whatever to the back ofhis mount and whatnot, and he
was just like, hmm, hey, arwen,come here real quick.

Becca (09:17):
See, I'm so glad you brought Arwen into this.
So you would agree that, arwen,she knows him pretty well,
right?
I think so so tell me why, whenshe sees him in the woods with
the halflings she like holds aknife to him, bro, because she
knows that's her guide, that'swhat he likes.
Count how many times this manis either pointing a knife at
somebody or having one pointedat him.

(09:39):
And tell me that I'm wrong.
Knife play 100.

Kyle (09:41):
See, with that one I saw the meat.
I definitely don't.
I don't disagree that he's intothat.
Like there's a bunch of shit inhere like like look me dead in
the eyes and tell me that heain't putting up the poop, shoot
like a couple of times you knowwhat I mean like, but that's
not like his like main, that'slike their main thing.
So like I think he's, they'velike, they've dabbled in that,

(10:04):
like they've pretty much triedeverything because they've been
going at it for what?
Like 70 years at this point orhowever, yeah, so honestly,
they're probably looking at thesame list we are and they were
like all right, which one are wetrying first?

Becca (10:15):
I just don't see her getting tied up who said it was
her he's getting you know whatsold.
I'm sold, sold.
He is getting.
He's a little rope bunny he's arope bunny.

Kyle (10:37):
Don't you ever say that about Strider, ever again.

Becca (10:41):
Kyle telling everybody that Aragorn's a rope bunny.
If he wants to win that bad,I'll give it to him.

Kyle (10:48):
Makes me know the day after this airs I'm gonna get
the most pissed off ViggoMortensen in my fucking DMs.
Thanks.

Becca (10:54):
Oh, I hope, I want that for you.

Kyle (11:00):
Anyhow.

Angie (11:02):
Are we calling it for Shabari?

Becca (11:05):
Yeah, I'll let him have Shabari, little rope bunny
Aragorn.

Kyle (11:08):
Listen, y'all said it.
I didn't say that.

Angie (11:12):
All right.
Next up we have Legolas.

Kyle (11:17):
Okay, before we get into this full disclaimer, I am a
firm believer that every singleelf is wildly into orgies.

Becca (11:27):
We may proceed.

Kyle (11:27):
No notes.
That's fair.
Every single one like it's noteven it's not up for discussion
so legolas are we just goingwith orgies for both?

Angie (11:35):
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no they'll do everything,
but like what's their secretone?

Kyle (11:40):
it's just.
Everyone knows that all of theelves have seen each other naked
.
All of the elves genitals havesmashed into each other numerous
times.

Becca (11:48):
If you're going to get hate for calling Aragorn a rope
bunny, I'm going to get hate forthis one.
Legolas 100% auto fellatio Yep,do you care to expand on that?

(12:17):
I mean, he just looks like thekind of guy he's really into
himself.
He keeps himself like superclean, pretty and shiny and I
can just see him like I couldsee him doing it.
I just have no problem seeingthat he sucks himself off.

Kyle (12:25):
He's definitely tried, there's no questions there.
Yeah, I'd say that's got to behis um, like his deep secret one
for sure.
Because, like I'm looking atgunplay, because he's literally
he's definitely the guy who'slike, hey, stand there naked and
let me, like you know, shootthe apple off your snatch.
You know what I mean.
He's definitely that guy.

(12:45):
He's definitely that guy.
Like he's got.
he probably had Gimli at likefull mass and said all right,
put this on your pecker.
Stand there Like you know what Imean.
But I feel like anyone knowsthat because he knows he has
that skill.
It's not really a secret.

Angie (13:02):
It's too obvious.
Yeah, that skill.
It's not really a secret, it'stoo obvious.
Is that your pick gunplay?

Kyle (13:06):
Long hair because of his severe daddy issues.

Becca (13:08):
Long hair.
Freud would have a field daywith that one.
I mean you just gotta admit,Otto Felicio, that's just it.
It's just it, I'm sorry.

Kyle (13:18):
I think the reason why I'm kind of tending to agree with
you with this one is because Ithink not just Legless, I think
orlando bloom is into that yeah,yes, and wilt.
Literally every single orlandobloom character there ever has
been has definitely tried tosuck himself off yeah, I'm glad
you agree that was easiest fightof my life.

Becca (13:39):
Orlando bloom is so into himself.
Yeah, there was definitely somelonely times out on the.

Kyle (13:43):
Uh, the flying dutchman for those 10 years.
Orlando Bloom is so intohimself.
Yeah, there was definitely somelonely times out on the Flying
Dutchman.
For those 10 years he couldn'tgo to shore.

Becca (13:50):
Oh yeah, you're right.
Absolutely 100% Will Turner.
For sure, otto Palacios.
Well.

Angie (13:59):
All right, we're going to move on to Gimli Trampling,
Trampling.

Becca (14:04):
Gimli wants to be stepped on, he wants to be tossed
around, he wants to be crushed.

Kyle (14:10):
Nobody tosses a dwarf.
Yeah, they do.
Well, we already know he's intohairy women, so that one's out.
I am going food play for him.
He was way too excited withtalking about the hospitality of
the dwarves.
The roaring fire spread meatoff the bone.

(14:32):
He was very excited about themeat and the bone.

Becca (14:35):
Really disappointed in you.
I was hoping you would picklong hair, if only because of
the little Galadriel nuggetwhere she gives him three of her
hairs Like I would have takenthat Food play, nah Well.

Kyle (14:48):
I thought we were going for secrets and obvious ones
aside from Frodo.
So I was like Trampling.

Becca (14:53):
He wants to be squished.
He gets squished a lot forsomebody that wants to act like
he doesn't want to be tossedabout.
You know he just gets thrownaround like little rag doll.
He loves it though.
He loves it, man.
You know I'm right.
You know I'm right.

Kyle (15:06):
No, no oh come on trampling.
I don't, I don't, I don't see,I don't see it.
He genuinely was not.
Do not throw me around, do nottouch me the only other thing I
could probably think of youdon't think he would let legolas
trample him?
Absolutely not he was way tooracist until the end of the

(15:26):
third movie he's too racist tobe trampled.

Becca (15:32):
You know what I can't?
I can't justify food play.
I'm sorry, I refuse tocompromise.
This is trampling, trampling oh, trampling Uh-oh.

Angie (15:43):
Oh God, am I going to have to decide this one?

Becca (15:45):
If you had done long hair , I would have taken it.
But food play, Nah, no way Not.
Kim Lee, son of Glowin?

Kyle (15:50):
I don't think so.
He would not be able to getanything done.
The dude would just be blowinghis load every three seconds.
The person with the shortesthair in the entire franchise?
Mom doesn't count, because hedoesn't have any.
The person with the shortesthair is like what?
Strider or Sam.
Everybody else had full fuckingmops, Everybody.

Becca (16:08):
Grambling.
I think we need an Angie call.
This is our first Angie call.
What do you think?

Angie (16:12):
Man, this is a lot of pressure.
Give me your one sentenceargument for each.
Each of you.

Becca (16:18):
The scene when the big war dog falls over on him and he
gets squished.
Yeah, he lets out a big sighafterward.
There's no way that was justrelief.
That was a different kind ofrelief.

Kyle (16:32):
That's funny, that's funny All right, Kyle, you're up.

Angie (16:41):
What's your last word on food playing?
I'm just give me a minute holyshit.

Kyle (16:54):
I'm literally sitting there saying oh and the fucking
horn falls on him.
I hear him right now.
Yeah, oh, it doesn't mean youchanged my answer.

Becca (17:06):
I'm just saying Because he gets crushed by a guy and
then he gets crushed by the wargand he's like oh too much for
me, that was too much.

Kyle (17:21):
Oh my God, that, oh too much for me that was too much.
Oh my god, that's too much holychrist.

Angie (17:26):
So what's your?
What's your last stand argumentfor food play?

Kyle (17:28):
yeah, I already gave that one.
He was way too excited talkingabout the.
Uh, the meat and bones, justthe.
Yeah, he just kind of just likea man.
I got nothing.
I'm still just.
I can't get that scene out ofmy fucking head I know, I know I
came to play you ruined thatscene for me we should rename
this.

Angie (17:48):
I can becca ruin the lord of the rings for everyone oh my
god that was I'm gonna have tocall an audible on trampling
that was funny as damn right Iearned that I'd like to thank
the academy all right, let'smove on to boromir

Kyle (18:09):
blood play.

Angie (18:10):
Slash knife play oh, he is coming out.

Kyle (18:15):
Just I'm just gonna uno reverse literally the exact same
thing you did.
Remember when he's thereholding the Shards of Narsil and
he cuts his finger.
The noise he made.
So good, I put clothed sex butI'm going to go with bliss.
It was the sucking through theteeth.

Becca (18:30):
It was the Yep, oh, kyle, you got that one.

Kyle (18:39):
Frodo was the first.
Like there's nothing else itcould be For Boromir.
That was the first like there'snothing else it could be for
Boromir.
That was the other one,instantly, no question that's
perfect.

Becca (18:49):
Well played, sir.

Angie (18:51):
Blood plate Boromir alright, we're gonna move on to
the three Sam, mary and Pippin,so let's start with Sam Sam.

Becca (19:01):
I put abduction, seduction, abduction, seduction.
Yeah, I mean his whole role inthe fellowship is because he was
a little peep and tom right.
He got caught by Gandalf, heheard too much and now he's
roped into the whole fellowshiptoo.
Like this whole thing is justlike an intricate kidnapping
scheme and Sam being a goodlittle boy and following his
directions and keeping Frodosafe.

Kyle (19:25):
It's kind of hilarious, because when you said abduction
and seduction, it was the samething.
It was the eyes he was givingGandalf as he ripped him through
the window, just thrown out onhis back like oh no, mr Gandalf.
I didn't hear anything.

Becca (19:37):
I wasn't dropping no eaves.
I can see that.

Kyle (19:40):
I forget the one, but the one where he likes to watch his
wife get banged.

Becca (19:46):
You think Sam's a cuck?
Oh, he's a cuck.

Kyle (19:50):
Oh, not so much a full that was a different one
specifically but just for thisone specific thing alone.
Not so much that, like I said,maybe I'm reading too into it
Rosie Cotton dancing, rosieCotton dancing thing alone.
Not so much that, like I said,maybe I'm reading too into it.

Becca (20:03):
Rosie cotton dancing, like rosie watching her, seeing
her having a good time, enjoyingherself.

Kyle (20:09):
He was always watching her , seeing just she was always.
He was protective of her sweetmaiden of the golden ales and he
goes hey, fuck off bud.
But he wanted to see her havinga good time, smiling, living
her life and, if it, if it comesto her getting plowed by half
the shire.
That's, that's what.

Becca (20:29):
That's what he wants, sam will allow it.
Um, yeah, I'll agree with you.
Cuckold, he's a cuckold, littlecucky.

Angie (20:35):
Sam didn't know you had a name, all right, mary.
What do we got for mary?

Becca (20:42):
oh, mary's a big time.
He's big into figging.
He wants the little shavedpiece of ginger right in his
butt okay, full disclosure thatthat one was new for me.

Kyle (20:53):
I read that I was like what the that's a new one for me
right, I just figure he's thetroublemaker of the little group
of hobbits.

Becca (21:00):
I could see him not only being into it but trying to get
the others on board, like, oh,you've got to try it.

Kyle (21:07):
That part Exactly.
I see him lying to them, thoughas a prank.
I don't know if like try to getthem onto it, but she's like,
oh no, it makes it feel great,and so on, and now it's just
like.

Becca (21:18):
That's why he's so hopped up all the time, though it's
like his butt just smoked amenthol Like he's figgin',
Mary's figgin'.

Kyle (21:24):
She's fizzed on menthol.
Mary's figgin'.

Angie (21:33):
Kyle, what do you have?

Kyle (21:36):
Yeah, he's figgin' I'll give you that.
That is absolutely.
He's the prankster, he's thejokester.
So, yep, gotta agree with thatone.

Angie (21:44):
Hell yeah.
Yeah, I can on that one.
No fight whatsoever.
This is too easy.
Alright, let's move on toPippin Uniform fetish.

Becca (22:02):
Yeah yeah, return of the King.
He gets that little suit ofarmor.
You know he gets all excited.
It gives him confidence.
It's empowering, like hebecomes a character in the
movies after that point.
Before that he's just kind oflike the slacker.

Kyle (22:15):
He gets that uniform, he feels himself yeah, but I don't
see him getting turned on likeseeing Faramir like putting on
his armor when he had, wasn't,he was charged to go retake
oscilius.
I don't see him getting turnedlike.
I see him definitely cominginto his own and feeling like a
badass in that one anddefinitely having his more
confidence and that's shapinghim.
But I don't see that being hishe now, if he was, if he was

(22:40):
going to get some, he would sayhey, hey, the gambit stays on,
like I can see him doing that.
But I don't see him like hey,put this on.
I don't see him doing thatspecifically.
What do you?
think it is.
I'm all ears.
It's either going to be forcefeeding or he wants her to throw

(23:00):
it on his face and ride frominterest to minister Three days
ride as the Nazgul flies, likethat's what he wants.
It's something with the mouthhe had.
He.
He worried way too much aboutfood.
It is the only thing that's onhis mind and eating and chowing
and all of that.
Now, whether he is forcefullyfeeding someone or someone's
force feeding him.

(23:20):
Now, whether he is forcefullyfeeding someone or someone's
force feeding him, or he'sliterally just like just holding
her on his face.

Becca (23:29):
For Lord only knows how long I'll give you forced
feeding for Pippin.
Yeah, he was watching thosetomatoes, he was, he zoomed in
on them, he was honed in, boywas bricked up.
He's like let me sing my littlesong for you.

Kyle (23:42):
He was sitting there singing that song and then, all
of a sudden, Denethor hears tingDen's a cup.

Angie (23:51):
All right, so now that we've gone through the main
characters, we're going to moveinto the major antagonists.
You all ready?

Becca (24:00):
for this.
Yeah, these are my favorites.
I pulled out all the stops.

Angie (24:03):
Okay so.

Becca (24:07):
Sauron the big bad Ah, he's, it's no secret.
He's a voyeur.
He doesn't hide it, he likes towatch.
He has no form, but he canstill be an eye Like.

Kyle (24:19):
That's all I'm gonna say he's watching everybody but Okay
, okay.
so we're talking about that,sara, not the actual physicality
of him in the very beginning ofthe fellowship I mean, you can
if you'd like.

Becca (24:29):
He probably liked it.

Kyle (24:30):
Then too he'd probably like it then too I would say,
when he's a physical, when he'sa physical being chastity.
When he's a giant eye, voybeing chastity when he's a giant
eye.

Becca (24:42):
Voyeurism Chastity, ooh.

Kyle (24:43):
Homie was, he was not fucking.
He was way too obsessed withpower and his own little fucking
ring.
Like it's me, me, me, way tooself-centered.
But he was literally so greedyNot like it's all about me, you
have to get me off.
Like I kind of feel.
Like Elrond is We'll get to himin a little bit, um but he is

(25:05):
literally so self-absorbed.

Becca (25:06):
He was like nobody can pleasure me, right?
I agree, you know what?
I'm not even gonna fight.
Chastity 100 guy was toouptight.
He's never got off in his life.

Kyle (25:13):
That's his problem people talk about pettiness and people
always say the whole thing aboutlike maleficent being so
goddamn petty.
You didn't invite me to yourdaughter's birthday so I I'm
gonna curse the bitch Like no,no, no, you want to talk about
petty.
So much cruelty, anger andmalice he put it into a fucking
pinky ring and destroyed theworld.
Yeah, that's some petty shit.

Angie (25:30):
All right, so we're going to move on to Saruman.

Kyle (25:34):
He's humiliating.

Angie (25:35):
You think so?

Kyle (25:47):
He down humiliating.
I don't know which one that is.
Is that one on this list gonnahave to give me the name?
I don't see it.
That's an invalid pick.
My friend, we have nodegradation kink on here.
They give me the honorablemention for that one.
His wildly overconfidence andhis intense insults to gandalf
when we find out that he turnedinto the baddie, obviously.
And then just everything rightthere in the return of the king,
what he was talking withgreener and how he just you
stick of horse and you didn't dothis and you didn't do that,
blah, blah, blah.
And then backhands him in frontof everyone, puts him in his

(26:08):
place, calls him a weak cur.
Come on, who calls someone acur?

Becca (26:11):
you weak cur, you useless cur bitch slaps in front of
everybody he also has one of themost satisfying deaths of any
character I've ever seen too.
Like the way he just getscrunched in the wheel and just
like spins around to be ondisplay.

Kyle (26:30):
Okay, not to be that guy.
I tried to promise myself Iwasn't going to be that Lord of
the Rings person, but I'm goingto Do.
You know, Viggo Mortensen brokehis toe.
I'm kidding, but like allseriousness, like the scene of
him getting stabbed in Return ofthe King was so much more
intense when I finally saw thecomments about how he told Peter

(26:52):
Jackson that's not how peoplesound when you stab them in the
back Like I fucking hate that.
That was so.
That's so gangster.
That is the most baller answerever.

Becca (27:04):
I've done this, trust me.
What so for sarman?
I put peccatophilia.
It's the kink for breakingreligious rules.
I feel like he broke ties withthe wizards to join the dark
side.
He's a bad boy, he just likesbreaking rules.
I feel like that made him feela little naughty uh, I think
kind of speaks for itselfBranding.
Ooh, branding, that's good forhim, that is a good pick.

(27:27):
But pectophilia, come on.
He's breaking all his littlereligious rules.
He's making his own littlefoundation, like this.
Guy got on a power trip and heloved it.

Kyle (27:36):
Yeah, but at the same time though, like just because he
was breaking, it was more of himjust kind of being a bad guy,
not so much like breaking therules, not like oh, because he's
the religious for him to do, itneeds it, not just because they
were rules had to be broken.
I feel like back to feel it, ithas to be specific rules you
know what I mean.
You're gonna get me on atechnicality walking and I'm

(27:56):
just like walking across thestreet, yeah but he literally
like he's breaking all thewizard rules.
No, I can seriously though.
I can give you branding.

Becca (28:05):
Sauron, come get it.
I can give you branding.
If only for the way that theywere doing the Uruk-hai and the
orcs there at his little tower,I feel like branding absolutely.
He likes to put his name onthings and he wants people to
know, like this is mine, I'msending this after you.
I get that.

Kyle (28:20):
The wicked man swear it has him cut his hand and give
him the blood, oath kind of athing.

Becca (28:25):
Yeah, yeah, he puts his mark on everybody he's talking
to that's perfect Branding.

Kyle (28:31):
Yeah, brand recognition.

Becca (28:33):
Brand recognition.
The white hand of Saruman Wayahead of its time.

Kyle (28:39):
Exactly, we didn't even fucking nobody else knew that he
turned bad and Amar was justlike.

Becca (28:45):
these arcs are not from Mordor yeah, the legendary
Saruman and Uruk-hai collabexactly alright, now we've got
the big one, everyone's favoriteGollum Smeagol.

Angie (29:04):
the man himself.
What say you?
Becca Scat play.

Becca (29:09):
Scat.
Yep, I can just picture likeyou're walking by his room and
he's just playing with poop inthere, like I can just see it.
I can see it so clearly.
He's just playing with poop,he's just making little balls,
little pyramids.

Kyle (29:21):
Is he doingids sexually or because?
Is he doing it in a sexualmanner, though, or is he just
doing it because?

Becca (29:28):
I think it would be sexual for him honestly, like,
just like the way he feels abouthimself and like his
self-esteem.
He would find his waistsomething to like, revel in,
like, oh I'm so dirty.
Look how dirty I am.
Look at my skin.

Kyle (29:42):
Yeah okay, my brain almost almost right away went to loud
sex, but I don't know if he'sinto that or if that's just him.
I am, it's literally thatthat's literally the noise that
was made in my head, like that'sexactly what it was.

(30:03):
Like that's what it is when heyells at faramir is the noise?
He makes when he arrives, likethat's exactly the noises that
he's making, and then after thathe just kind of like giggles to
himself and then he's like Okay, I'll give it to you, loud sex

(30:26):
100%.

Becca (30:27):
I can hear it now Like it's so vivid in my imagination.

Kyle (30:30):
Thank you, See, that's exactly what you did to me with
fucking Gimli.
Oh, oh.
Heard it.

Angie (30:50):
Oh, okay, we're moving on to the witch king just hardcore
bdsm.

Becca (30:56):
This guy does everything.
He does knives, he does shibari, the sky is you saw his.

Kyle (31:02):
You saw that scene when gandalf is describing him to pip
and they go into that.
That was his red room.
That's what yeah, that was likehis rocky montage like oh, so,
good, yes give it my number andhe has his little fucking doms,
his little doms, dressing himtoo with his fucking gauntlet
he's putting his helmet on for.

Becca (31:23):
Oh fuck, the Witch King of.
Angmar fucks hard.
Yes.

Kyle (31:29):
Okay, okay.
So secret time Ooh, like thetop three, like most badass and
awesome designed villains,baddies, monsters, whatever the
hell you want to call the BalrogWitch King.
I don't know if you guys playvideo games or designed villains
, baddies, monsters, whateverthe hell you want to call the
balrog witch king if you guysplay video games or whatever,
but oryx from destiny, those arethe coolest.
But at the same time, though,he's just like a weird kind of

(31:49):
zombified, less fire versionlooking of the balrog, so it's
like a 50 50.
Either way, those two are themost amazingly designed.
It's impossible for you to be agood guy and look like either
of them.
They will never ever be seen asa good guy.

Becca (32:06):
And I mean, this guy doesn't come in on a horse, he
doesn't come in by boat, thisguy flies in with like a worm
dragon.
Oh, so good.
So good.

Kyle (32:20):
BDSM, all the way BDSM, all the way BDSM the only other
thing I could see him being intoit's I see him doing vampire
roleplay but still beating theshit out of his subjects.
I don't know what.
It is something about thepoisoning with the morgel blade

(32:40):
and he always had the cursedweapons.
That seems very vampire for me.
Is something about thepoisoning with the Morgul blade
and he always had the cursedweapons.
That seems very vampire for me.
But also he had the flangedMorningstar, which is just the
most badass version of a flog,but even that was poisoned also,
so it's like a 50.

Becca (32:57):
My other one for him was Amazonian, if only because I
feel like the way Eowyn standsup to him and he's like no
mortal man can get me and she'slike I am no man, motherfucker.
It moved, wish King could admitthat it moved.

Kyle (33:13):
I think he looked into that in his life afterwards.

Becca (33:17):
Well, he didn't have a life afterwards it was like the
last thing he figured out abouthimself.

Kyle (33:26):
It's his afterlife, Wherever they go afterwards.
It was just like well, mark medown as scared and horny Stab
and ditch Bondage or vampire.

Becca (33:37):
Just the way they dress him.
The way he has these peoplethat are so domineering like he
makes them stoop to dress himfor battle.

Kyle (33:45):
That's what's kind of tough, so like the BDSM.

Becca (33:47):
That's bondage.

Kyle (33:48):
So to say, bdsm.

Becca (33:49):
specifically, it's just bondage, it's just the clear
definition.

Kyle (33:55):
Angie, leave it up to you, no.

Angie (33:56):
I'm just a little disappointed.

Becca (34:03):
Nobody has said furry.
Yet Just simply because we havelike 27 more people, the night
is young, we have like actualmythical beings.

Kyle (34:09):
I'm sorry, none of these people are furries in this
section.

Becca (34:13):
Major antagonists.
None of them are furries.
It's just regular sex to them,not even Lurtz.

Angie (34:21):
It's just.

Kyle (34:21):
Tuesday.

Angie (34:23):
So I, based on everything that I've heard, I think
there's a clear argument forjust straight up bondage.
Because he's into a lot ofdifferent things, I'm going to
have to call it for bondage.
I can.
I can respect it.

Becca (34:37):
We can sleep at night with that one right.
That's good enough.
It's close enough.
You cannot describe the witchking of angmar in one simple
word.
It's all of the above but I do.

Kyle (34:45):
But I do a million percent agree with what you said
earlier, though that dude fuckslike so hard?

Becca (34:52):
oh, you're wrecked.

Kyle (34:53):
Wrecked for any mortal man not even the cave troll could
rip you open after that.
Yeah.

Angie (35:01):
Nope, nope, absolutely not All right, let's move on to.

Becca (35:09):
Lurt's body paint.
He could have had that whitehand anywhere.
Where did he want it?
Put it on my face, daddy.

Kyle (35:16):
Lurt's body painting.
Put it on my face, daddy.
Put that white wall over there.

Becca (35:20):
Right on my face.

Kyle (35:21):
Oh daddy, put that white wall over there Right on my face
.
Oh shit.

Becca (35:28):
Lurtz is absolutely Saruman's good boy.

Kyle (35:31):
Exactly, but like.
There's a lot of depth to Lurtz, which is funny because he says
three things the whole timeFind the halflings twice and
roar, that's all his lines are.
But he's so complex another onelike, just very straightforward
, like with like with golemrough sex.

(35:53):
There's no way he's not bitingand scratching and then just
like gorilla, fucking you intoexistence.
There's no finesse, there's'sno foreplay, it's just you whole
wiener.
Now it's very caveman Lerts.

Becca (36:06):
No, make love, lerts, smash Exactly.

Kyle (36:09):
Lerts smash.
Yeah, there's no way around itIn a good way.

Becca (36:19):
Just breaking you in like a new saddle.

Kyle (36:26):
Like a new pair of patent leather docs.
Just you gotta fight through it.

Becca (36:31):
You gotta sleep in these shoes, so they mold to your feet
.
Alright, the mouth of.

Kyle (36:36):
Sauron.
I think that one's pretty cleartoo.

Angie (36:42):
All right, the mouth of Sauron.

Becca (36:45):
I think that one's pretty clear too.
Sensory deprivation.

Angie (36:48):
Oh yeah, what do you have , kyle?
Sensory deprivation Sensorydeprivation, kyle, what do?

Kyle (36:54):
you have.
That's hysterical.
Same thing that helmet no eyes,it's just a mouth.

Becca (36:59):
Thank you, oh fuck yeah, kyle.
Sensory deprivation that, it'sjust a mouth.
Thank you, oh fuck yeah, kyle.
Sensory death.

Kyle (37:04):
That one's way too obvious .
Yeah, he could have beenanything.
He's just a mouth.
That's all he can do because heain't got no eyes.
That's just sex to him Facefucking is vanilla.

Becca (37:13):
It's not even a kink for him, it's all he's got.

Kyle (37:17):
I also feel like just for some dark magic he can still.
The rest of his sensesdefinitely were heightened from
it.
He can literally smell it withhis big weird mouth.
He could taste as horrendous asthat is.
Imagine coming from that guy.
That's his thing.
For sure he wants to hear andsmell everything else.

Becca (37:36):
Roll around in it, yeah.

Kyle (37:38):
Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely.
But no sensory, it's, it'sclear as day, just the helmet
alone so let's give it up fornazgul.

Angie (37:45):
What do you have, kyle, switch it up, let you go first
what do I have?

Kyle (37:50):
uh, they are, without a doubt, the quintessential to the
highest peak of subs.
They are the minions of thewitch king.
They just do his, though theyaren't the ones dressing him.
They're doing his bidding likeworse than the orcs.
They just, they just live toplease their master, for they're
just doing everything thatthey're told, and they won't eat

(38:13):
, sleep, stop nothing I thinkbondage is the closest we have
to sub.

Becca (38:18):
So for nazgul, I hand fetish hand fetish yeah, they
were like built in a lab tochase down that ring.
Like they, they were locked inon the ring finger of every
individual they come intocontact with, like they're
looking at hands.

Kyle (38:33):
They're looking at hands all day a lot of their intense
scenes do involved, do involvetheir gauntlets, do involve like
once again, it's one of thecoolest.
One of the coolest, mostcinematically stunning scenes in
the first one is that when thehobbits are hiding under the
tree and he leans over, there'sthat close-up on his gauntlet,
there's a close-up on them asthey go walking in to the

(38:54):
prancing pony with their but see, I think that's also the
cinematographer, or PeterJackson, admitting that they
have a hand fetish, notnecessarily the Nazgul.

Becca (39:03):
I think what makes it a secret is because they don't
come out and say they're lookingfor hands.
But we can tell by looking atthem, just with our eyes, that
these people are locked in onthe digits Like they are looking
at hands.
They don't need to tell us, weknow.

Kyle (39:16):
We can just tell Well, yeah, because they can't tell us
, because all they can say isyeah, the horrifying fucking
noise.

Becca (39:22):
Yeah, that's all they got .
That means give me your hands.
They have a hunger that onlyhands can satisfy.
Yeah, but Definitely nottickling, no, I was going to say
wouldn't that be something.
If you tried to tickle one ofthem, you would die Like you
would just be ended.
They would not be abused.
Turn to pony play.

Kyle (39:40):
Definitely don't piss on a Nazgul Impact play.
Impact play Striking someonewith various objects to create
the sting or the thud sensation.
They did not need to stab thosepillows that many times.
Every time they go to kill,they don't do any swinging
motions in their fights.
It's stabbing motions, it'slunges.
There's a lot of that.
The only one who actuallyswings is the witch queen, every

(40:02):
witch, which king the rest ofthem, the nazgul themselves?
Whenever they strike with theirswords, it is in a stabbing
motion I'll give you that.

Becca (40:12):
You know what I'll give you that way, if you thought my
frodo one was obvious, wait tillyou.
Wait till you hear my next one.

Kyle (40:21):
I'm excited for this one now.

Angie (40:22):
Now that we've gone through the main characters, the
major antagonists, we are nowmoving on to other key
characters, and this is thecharacters of Rohan.
So first up we have KingTheoden Human furniture Might as
well have been a chair.

Becca (40:38):
Honestly, he did nothing.
What did he do?
What did Theoden do?
Exactly.
He's like I'm gonna pretend tobe a lamp.
You guys literally have arevolution about the folly of
man.
Without me, you have no powerhere.
I'm a chair.

Kyle (41:09):
I'm a chair.
And she just like, leans backmore to, just like.
I will be an entire futon ifneeded.
Oh, god, he choked me.

Angie (41:27):
That is on the list.

Becca (41:28):
He's very much.
It reminds me of Slughorn inthe Harry Potter movie, Like
he's straight up just a chair.
I don't know what I'm laughingat more.

Kyle (41:38):
The fact that he's just a chair, he's just a, or the fact
that I said the same thing.
I swear to God, I was like.
It hurts, I'm going through it.
It hurts me to say it becausethe speech he gives in the third

(41:58):
one is I love Theron.
He's like, he's just, he's thefucking king of romance.
So he inspires his men and hismen will fire to whatever end
All of that.
But then you really sit backand you realize he did absolute
dick.
Absolute fuck all In thosemovies except talk.

Becca (42:16):
He's a talker.
They should have called him themouth of man.

Kyle (42:19):
He was a the mouth of man he was a the mouth of man, the
mouth of someone, but like heeven admits it too, like it was
not Theoden of Rohan who led ourpeople's victory at Helm's Deep
, he was like I'm a punk assbitch.
It's that fine ass man overthere that yeah, he literally
gave up Absolutely.

Becca (42:45):
Well, like when he thinks Aragorn is dead guy is just
like, let's pack it in, that'sall.

Kyle (42:47):
Yeah, that's that's right.

Becca (42:49):
That was our, that was our guy he doesn't even know
about frodo in the ring.
He's like man.
Aragorn was our only hope.
Let's all pack it in.

Kyle (42:56):
We're all gonna lose exactly same thing like that.
He goes like what's it called?
You still amir's lawyer to you.
He will come back.
He goes like man, thatmotherfucker is in the wind
because you're not even you, youdon't even want to try.
Like right is middle earth.
Like, honestly, how far, howfar could?

Becca (43:14):
he be.
It's not like he's even faraway.
Guy is just like down in thefloodplains riding around on his
little horse with his buddies.
Like you could literally justlike fly up a banner and he'll
know like he's out in the yard,just let him in literally that
you probably could have yelledloud enough and they would have
seen.
Hey, exactly hey, oh, come here, come here.

(43:37):
Oh, come here, like, like,exactly like, come on, ayo
mirror.

Kyle (43:40):
Like, exactly Like Come on .

Angie (43:46):
Well, speaking of Ayo mirror, let's move on to Ayo
mirror.
Pony play.

Becca (43:51):
He's a horse boy, pony play.
Yeah, he's out there playinghorses with his buddies.
He's Pony Boy, his little flagwith the horse on it.
Him and his boys get togetherafter a long, hard day of riding
and they just braid eachother's manes like he's pony boy
.

Kyle (44:05):
They just long hard ride each other.
Yeah, I said knife play.

Angie (44:15):
Does he even own a knife?
I know you all can't see me.

Kyle (44:19):
No, he doesn't.
But I don't think it'sspecifically knife or is it all
pointy objects, because hisobsession with his spear won the
precision.
He yeeted that motherfucker andhit that dude dead center of
his sternum, on top of themummikill.
There's that the fact that whenthey caught up with Aragorn,
legolas and Gimli, all thespears came down without

(44:40):
hesitation.
He jumped right in front of allthose little pointy sharpies.
It was completely fine, cool,calm and collected.
The way he was describing warand battle to Eowyn is just like
there's something on theviolence, the blood, the carnage
, the actual bloodlust of war.
Not so much the blood side of itbut, like I said, I would say
more of the actual blade andsharp side of it, but, like I

(45:01):
said, I would say more of theactual bleeding and sharp side
of it.

Becca (45:02):
I'm woman enough to admit that you had me at pointy
sharpies.
This guy's absolutely knife.
Play Pointy sharpies all dayfor this guy.
Pointy sharpies Can't getenough of him.

Angie (45:11):
So are we in agreement that it's knife play Knife play,
he got me.
Alright, now the next.
A1.

Becca (45:16):
Cross-dressing she, this one's obvious too Anyone
Cross-dressing, she's straightup Mulan-zit.

Kyle (45:23):
Oh God, oh yeah, yeah, no, she does, for sure, 100%, I
will say with a hint of brat.
You think she's a brat?
I don't know.
I absolutely think she's a brat.
I'm not saying she's asuccessful brat, but the way she

(45:47):
was fighting everyone oneverything, like the whole time.
So I don't know if that'sbratty or bitchy.
I'm not sure.
If there's like a line, she'sjust a bitch she's a bitch you
can't cook.
She's a bitch, you can't cookher fortunately that's not on
the list.
I didn't remember seeing it, butno, but that's cross dressing.

Becca (46:06):
Hands down cross dressing hell yeah, I am no man, we said
it before, we'll say it againand she slayed, she slayed.
That was her like redeemingmoment, because before that
she's pretty much a fuckingannoying character yeah, for
sure all right we're gonna movein on into, on to grima worm

(46:29):
tongue this one is layered.
I feel like if it was justmissionary he wanted from eowyn,
it would have been easier toask, which makes me think water
sports.
He wanted her to piss on himand didn't know how to ask.
I was like second in command inher hometown, like so powerful,
there's a reason he could justgo up and say, hey, you want to

(46:57):
fuck like it's because he wantedher to piss on him.
I just settled that it's hard toput like just one it really is,
because you know he's a littlegimp, absolutely he is a little.

Kyle (47:09):
He is a little gimp, so like he's definitely going to be
dressed up in like the latexand whatnot and like I don't
know if it's like a mutualfisting or if, like, he's
fisting her or like he's gettingfisted, but like there's
definitely some fisting her orlike he's getting fisted, but
like there's definitely somefisting going on.

Becca (47:22):
Well, you could argue that, like he is Saruman's
little puppet, like Saruman'sfisting him Exactly.

Kyle (47:28):
He is devious and like manipulative and just like evil
enough that, like he definitelywanted to fist A.

Angie (47:36):
That was an easy argument Fisting wins.

Kyle (47:42):
I should get that as a t-shirt or a mug.

Becca (47:44):
Fisting wins, fisting wins, so you've got milk.

Kyle (47:49):
Fisting wins question mark .
Fisting wins question mark.

Becca (47:53):
A just question my lord.

Kyle (47:55):
A just question my lord.

Angie (48:00):
Okay, now that we've decimated Rohan, let's move on
to gondor and let's look atdenethor.
I think this one's gonna bereally easy.

Becca (48:12):
Oh, never mind, okay, got me there what?

Kyle (48:17):
were you gonna say?

Becca (48:18):
food play.
Absolutely the way this guy'seating his tomatoes, like
there's no way it's drippingdown his chin, he's just
slurping it down.
This guy's food play all day.

Kyle (48:27):
I think he's just, I honestly think he's just a slob.
I really think he's just a slob.

Becca (48:35):
I don't know Like.

Kyle (48:37):
I was.

Becca (48:39):
I was so like confident in my food play until you came
out with the fire play and all Icould picture is him falling
off the fucking cliff on fire.

Kyle (48:52):
Every time I watch that movie every single time.
I watch that movie, I followhim down.
I was like all right, how farcan I follow him before I lose
him?
You can literally see hislittle body, Every single time.

Becca (49:01):
Oh my gosh, fire play.
I can't argue against fire playthat movie, that scene is
etched in my brain.

Kyle (49:08):
he he walked.
So he walked so far to sethimself on fire.
He could have just done.
They could have done a millionother ways to kill themselves.
He's going to burn himselfalive, so he's going to be
coming and going at the samedamn time coming and going.
That's, that's perfect thankyou, thank you for that oh, just

(49:34):
the fire, though that he's justa fucking creep.
He's just a fucking creep no,stop drop and roll.

Becca (49:41):
Yeah just gonna run.

Kyle (49:42):
No no, no, his is jump off and run literally three
quarters of a mile.

Becca (49:48):
He couldn't give that fire more air, if he tried.
Like he was his own bellows.
Exactly exactly.

Kyle (49:55):
Air Jordan did.
He could have hit himself offthat bridge.
No, he had to run all the wayto the tree and make a fucking
spectacle of it.
Yep off that bridge?
No, he had to run all the wayto the tree and make a fucking
spectacle of it too.
All the way.
The more fire, the better.

Becca (50:04):
I feel like the new logo is gonna be just like a flaming
guy falling off the cliff Likefuck the tree, we're done with
the tree.
The trees hold noose.
Remember when that guy fuckingfell?

Kyle (50:16):
Remember that fun guy, a fucking steward or whatever.
Yeah, also also a lot of thatwas.
There was a lot of the you knowthe other things too.
So it's like they had the firebeacons to let them know.
Why not send out writers likehow long do you think it took
for all those other people?
And like he made it soimportant that there's people
who their entire lives, justthose little shacks up on the

(50:38):
mountains just to light a fire.
Oh, I know this guy wasobsessed with it yeah granted,
and I mean probably that wasgranted.
It was his predecessor, yeahthat was the old manager.

Becca (50:50):
Like he was still stoked.
Old management.
He's like this is perfect itwas in his interview he's like
you guys like fire.
I fucking like fire.

Kyle (50:58):
Let's go, I'll be steward there's like the america's,
there's like the book of secretsand whatever.
It's like the gondor scroll ofsecrets.
He was just like y'allmotherfuckers, tell your homies
how you need help yeah, I'm inand in the ultimate turn of
events, he became the perfectbeacon.

Becca (51:21):
nope, g Gondor calls great, their fucking guy just
fell.

Kyle (51:27):
We'll call him a beacon of hope.

Becca (51:29):
Yeah, a beacon of something, A beacon of bacon
maybe.

Kyle (51:35):
Beacon of bacon.
A bacon of hope.
Then how about that Split thedifference?
We spent way too much timetalking about Dett my gosh he's
my favorite one to hate oh godhe's.
He is the worst out of theentire I'll say the entire
franchise, including the hobbitand everything where he is the

(51:55):
one character I absolutelyfucking dread we feel about
frodo man like it bumps me out.

Becca (52:04):
We have to spend so much of this movie looking at frodo's
miserable mug, like god damn,there's so many interesting
characters that like tombombadil yeah, fucking, fucking
tom bombadil, why not?
Tom bombadil would have made ahell of a ring bear, and you
could tell him.

Kyle (52:25):
I said that and you could tell him.
I said that.

Angie (52:30):
All right, we're going to move on to Faramir Cuck, and I
probably said that wrong.

Becca (52:38):
He's a big cuck, the biggest cuck I've ever seen.

Kyle (52:40):
No, but he's like he probably would, but I don't
think it's his mane.

Becca (52:44):
What do you think his mane is?
Lay it on me.

Kyle (52:46):
It's kind of.
Once again, it's that otherthing.
I think he got reallycomfortable with this whole
robin hood aesthetic so like.
But like the hunting, stalking,the that's not one of them.
So I'm no, that's the samething I said against pippin.
I almost said uniform becausehe's like the only other, like
main secondary character orother key character.

(53:07):
As we have been said, that wentthrough drastic costume changes
yeah, he straight up went fromlike robin hood to like.

Becca (53:12):
He straight up went from like Robin Hood to like this
wonderful armor.

Kyle (53:14):
He went from Robin Hood to like King Arthur, to like noble
peasant, to like kingly, kindof look like at the end of the
movie.
So he did extensive uniform butI don't think that's the same
thing.
I think that was more of likehis own, his own self thing.

Becca (53:29):
Like I said before, I guess the argument confidence
he'd like to look good his ownself thing.

Kyle (53:32):
Like I said before, I guess the argument confidence
he'd like to look good.

Becca (53:33):
But the argument could be made that when he's wearing his
little Robin Hood uniform likethat's fair and everything else
like that he has to go throughonce he goes back to Gondor and
everything like that, that couldbe, you know, that's like the
persona he has to put on, butwhen he has this other uniform
on, like that's yeah, otheruniform on, like that's yeah,

(54:01):
that's.

Kyle (54:02):
That's fair man.

Becca (54:02):
He's a hard one, I am he, he is, he is he's daddy's least
favorite talking about likeexactly.

Kyle (54:06):
So like he's gotta make up for it.
So like it's probably like.
Like don't get me wrong, Ithink it's probably like.
Like, don't get me wrong, Ithink it's probably not going to
be like anything like insane,like you're going to get yours
for sure, but like it's probablynot that loud.
Most likely missionary doggy ifhe's feeling really frisky.
But like he's going to get youall.

Becca (54:26):
He seems very like clothed sex to me also.
I could see clothed sex.

Kyle (54:30):
Exactly Like nothing like super crazy, exciting, but like
you're gonna get yours.
But also hear me out on thisone water sports in or golden
showers, hear me I'm picturingthe scene where they're dumping

(54:50):
like the accelerant onto himWater sport.

Becca (54:55):
I'm sold, that's it.

Kyle (55:00):
He was practically declared dead.
What brought him back to life?
Oh, liquid dripping on my face,Hello whore, please.

Becca (55:07):
You know, oh, and it's his daddy doing it.
That was extra Well, that's thething though.

Kyle (55:14):
I don't think he knew it was his daddy.
Like I think that would be like, oh no, he definitely had daddy
issues.

Becca (55:21):
He definitely both of them did.
Both of them did Denethor not agreat dad, I'll say it.

Kyle (55:29):
Um, I'm pretty sure everyone's agreed Denethor not a
great dad.
Um, I'm pretty sure everyone'sagreed yeah, because everyone's
so offended by that.

Becca (55:39):
Yeah, it's going to be the divisive thing.
Hey, we're going to.

Angie (55:45):
Alright, we're going to move on to Important Elves, so
we're going to start off witheverybody's favorite, Elrond
Bondage no questions asked.
That was quick, that was veryquick.

Kyle (55:57):
Call me daddy.
I want to be dad.
He is master.
You are tied up.
He's got wax.
He's got flogs.
He's everything.
You are crawling.
Everything, just all of it.
Everything, encompassing theentire list.
He does everything and anything.
He's 3,000 years old.
He's done it all.
He knows what he likes.
Guess what he likes everything.

Becca (56:15):
In a similar vein I put caning only because I could see
him just fucking railing on youand it wouldn't be like with the
whip, it would sure be a stick.
Like he would hit you with astick.
He'd make you go pick the stick.

Kyle (56:29):
He'd make you go pick the stick.
Well, you bring it back to badmemories here.
Wait, you bring it back to badmemories here.

Becca (56:35):
We know elrond.
That's one thing you can sayabout us.

Kyle (56:37):
We know elrond, he didn't get under our radar he, just he,
yeah with he, I would say,extruded the most sexual vibes
in the entire franchise you justlook at him, just like this guy
.
Yes, he's just.
I'm not saying it's good, I'mnot saying it's bad, it's just.

Becca (56:55):
You look at him, he's just like sex, something about
it you know, I can live withbondage because caning is
underneath that, but Idefinitely think he's making you
pick your switch.
And boy, don't you talk back tohim.
My god, don't you talk back tohim exactly, exactly.

Kyle (57:09):
I would give you, I would give you caning if he actually
did have like a scepter of somesort.

Becca (57:14):
He would write his name on your back in moon letters.

Kyle (57:20):
He absolutely would, a million percent would.
He'd like hold it up to thelight.
Let me see my name.
He's gonna yes, exactly Amillion, million percent.

Angie (57:38):
Well, that was pretty easy.
I thought that would be alittle bit more of a fight, but
you guys definitely know Elrond.

Kyle (57:44):
Man's never been a bottom in his life.

Becca (57:46):
Never, not once.

Angie (57:51):
Moving on to Arwen.

Becca (57:57):
Definitely pregnancy fetish.

Kyle (57:57):
Who said that she's submissive and breathable?
Yes, she is, she wants to beknocked up she yells at her
father for his gift of foresight.
You saw my son.
She wants it so bad she'swilling to live a mortal life.

Becca (58:10):
Yeah, knock me up, please .
I'll give away my immortality.

Kyle (58:16):
I don't know if that's her actual like.
I don't think she wanted to bepregnant, she just wanted him.

Becca (58:22):
I was really hoping for this, when you would say water
sports, if only for the riverscene, where it's literally
water sports.

Kyle (58:28):
No, that was.
Let's go to this she watchesthe Summer Olympics with the
synchrony swimming and justfondles herself.

Becca (58:37):
She does pony play with her water horses.

Angie (58:41):
Pony play with her water horses.

Kyle (58:43):
With her seahorses.

Angie (58:44):
With her seahorses, or would it be enema?

Becca (58:49):
Oh, she could give you a hell of an enema, Okay so this
is yeah.

Kyle (58:53):
She gave him what?
Nine of them at once.
Yeah, broke a record.
Queening, I get Amazonian fromher.
She's a little too, Compared tothe one and a half other women,
she's much more dominant.
She is In like a masculine,masculine assertive kind of way,
as to where gladriel gives methe same vibes elrond does, but

(59:18):
just more feminine and I willsay the things that I don't like
about eowyn is everything Ilove about arwen.

Becca (59:23):
Like there was no telling arwen.
Like no, you're just a sillywoman, go sit down.
She was like fuck you, I'mgonna ride my horse away.
Yeah, she's bad bitch.

Kyle (59:31):
I will agree with amazonian this is what I was
gonna say when we're talkingabout eowyn.
Like look me dead in the eyesand tell me that she did not
help aragon tie up eowyn andthen watch him rail the hell out
of her like she watched the twoof them get it on.
That's exactly what happened.
Like she's incrediblysubmissive to Aragorn but that's

(59:53):
the only person that she willcompletely give herself to.

Becca (59:58):
Right, there's only one person she could sub for.

Kyle (01:00:00):
Anybody else, it would totally be Strider.
Don't care.

Angie (01:00:02):
I mean, can we blame her?

Kyle (01:00:04):
No, we can't.
What I'm saying is like, butfor anybody else she is a
thousand percent the dominant.

Angie (01:00:19):
So let's move on to gal galadriel back up.

Becca (01:00:20):
So let's move on to galadriel.
She definitely.
If anybody is a 24 7 powerdynamic, I think that it's
something that she never turnsoff.

Kyle (01:00:28):
Yes, domi, mommy, 100 so I would say yes, like I said, she
gives me the same energy thatelrond does.
But that's where elrond willjust like get you the towel and
say clean yourself up.
There's gonna be cuddles,there's gonna be caressing.
She'll get up and make you asandwich after oh, I don't think

(01:00:50):
so.

Becca (01:00:50):
What hot take there?
No way was she making you asandwich.
She'll shove that sandwich upyour ass.
Here's your fucking sandwich,nerd not submissive in a

(01:01:15):
dominant way or dominant in asubmissive way, but submission
would have to come out inaftercare and that would be the
only place that you get it.
If I were to concede that,maybe she might be caring.

Kyle (01:01:25):
Yes, yes, absolutely that's what it is.
That's what I was, that's whatI was trying to say.
Yeah.

Angie (01:01:28):
Yeah, I get you.

Kyle (01:01:31):
Like what's it called?
Like Celeborn, Celeborn, Herhusband.
She's pegging.

Becca (01:01:36):
No questions asked A hundred percent, a hundred
percent, she's full-struck.

Kyle (01:01:40):
But there's cuddling afterwards.
There's a sense of I don't wantto say beauty, because that
just sounds horrendous but thereis a I don't know.
There's something about it.
It's they're making love.
That's what it is.
I see that.

Angie (01:01:52):
So, speaking of Celeborn, what do you got?

Kyle (01:02:00):
Getting pegged.

Angie (01:02:01):
Pegging, pegging.

Becca (01:02:03):
I said nipple and you said nipple torture yeah, I like
how similar we are with thisone too.
Is that not on there?
Where did I get that?
I'll go for cock and balltorture too, then.
I really thought nipple torturewas on there.
Where did I get that?
Oh, here we go, I got it, hellyeah breast see I have another
guy pegged for cock and balltorture.

(01:02:23):
So that's what, like I can't,in good conscious, give it to
celeborn to actually you knowwhat no no, uh, I'll give you
cock and ball torture.

Kyle (01:02:35):
I think celeborn would absolutely want his his bits
mashed around yeah, but but atthe same time, though, I can see
I can see all of them.
I can see them having a weirdlike y and or triangle, like
he's got clamps on both his thatthen also goes to his pee hole,
and like she's just a littlehug on it every now and then.
So it's like all three get backin line.

Becca (01:02:54):
Seoul born, yeah exactly so, like any of them are I bet
she makes him tuck it sometimes,like yeah, look at you.

Kyle (01:03:05):
Oh, absolutely, he looks like what's his name?

Becca (01:03:06):
you look like a woman exactly.

Kyle (01:03:08):
Would you fuck me, I'd fuck me, I'd fuck me, so I'd
fuck me so hard, you'd fuck meso hard.
Yes, that's him, that is him.
And then there's him.
He's putting on the lipsticktoo.

Angie (01:03:21):
Oh yeah, you all cannot see me, but I'm just sitting
here with my head in my hands,this entire episode.
Um, alright, he'll-.
Oh, I'm sorry, let's move on tohow dear he's.

Becca (01:03:41):
He's the other one I had for cock and ball torture, oh
yeah absolutely so okay, I'lladmit.
Admit and this is veryvulnerable for me Celeborn and
Haldir I get mixed up.
Is Haldir the blonde one fromTwo Towers?

Kyle (01:03:59):
Both of them are blonde, but you know what I mean, haldir
is the one in the Two Towerswho goes and fights and dies.
He was also in Spartacus.

Becca (01:04:07):
Yeah, see, that's what I was going to say.
He literally shows up just toget killed.
And it's like he shows up justto like.
Aragorn can be like oh my God,my homie from back in the day,
and Legolas is like oh my God,my homie from back in the day,
and then he just dies.

Kyle (01:04:24):
They tried to make him dying in the two towers like
emotional.
But like you don't, like youdon't.
The only emotion you have tohim is he's a dick.

Becca (01:04:33):
I'm like who is this guy?
Fuck that guy.
Why doesn't he have a neck?
No neck.

Kyle (01:04:39):
He's like who's who's, who's who's man's is this.

Becca (01:04:45):
He's literally.
He has forehead, ears,shoulders, no neck.
He looks really fat when he'sdying, like he gets like a third
chin and like really justfloats up instantly like a
corpse.

Kyle (01:04:54):
Let's put it this way I had more of an emotional
connection to the Uruk-haiberserker who sacrificed himself
to breach the wall than whenHalder died.

Becca (01:05:03):
Yeah, I give more of a shit about the tree that dipped
his flaming head in the river.
This unnamed creature Breachthe river.

Angie (01:05:12):
All right, we're're gonna leave the elves behind and
we're gonna move into the Shire.
So, Becca, I know you'rekicking your little feet right
now because we're gonna talkabout Bilbo so I for Bilbo, I'll
just come right out and say Iput Gerontophilia.

Becca (01:05:34):
He likes older people, and that's because I genuinely
have a feeling that Gandalf andBilbo were like star-crossed
lovers that were in love witheach other for like ever, but
they could never be together.
I think that they are eachother's endgame.
Yeah, 100% Brokeback Mountain.
Brokeback Mountain, yeah.

Kyle (01:05:52):
Brokeback Mountain, brokebaggins Mountain, broke his
back again An erotic tale Brokehis back again, conquering a
hobbit's tale.
An erotic hobbit tail whichwhich it's gerontophilia.

Becca (01:06:16):
Okay, got it bilbo baggins I am not trying to rob
you part where he fucking hitshis forehead on the beam of
bilbo's house.
It's so funny and it feels likea scene that was part of the
blooper reel, but they were likethis is so realistic, this

(01:06:38):
giant-ass man in this littlehobble.
Of course he would bump hisfucking head.

Kyle (01:06:42):
Well, yeah because that was an outtake, he bumped his
head.

Becca (01:06:46):
I don't know what he makes.

Kyle (01:06:58):
Oh yeah, that's probably the same noise he makes when
Bilbo's giving a little toke onhis old Toby.
Oh yeah, I'm on board with that.

Becca (01:07:14):
He's into olden days hell yeah, gerontophilia all the way
.
I thought I was gonna have todefend myself on the bilbo and
gandalf shipping that I've donein my own head what we, what do
we have for rosy cotton dp?
Oh, my god, rosie.

Kyle (01:07:33):
Cotton.
Rosie Cotton dancing Dancing onthe dukes.

Becca (01:07:40):
I loved her so much.

Kyle (01:07:43):
I would go that she's.
I'm so much that one, Not justdouble, not just DP, but I'm
going gangbang.
She is cuckolding him intogangbang.
She's watching like half theShire take their turns.

Becca (01:07:55):
Rosie, the community bicycle.
I for her.
I put cleaning Like mine wasreal, Like I think Sam worships
her and he's just like Ivacation between her thighs,
Like she's cleaning all day.

Kyle (01:08:06):
I mean, I'd vacation between her thighs also.

Becca (01:08:09):
Hell yeah, Rosie Cotton.

Kyle (01:08:12):
How do you think?
Think, listen, it's the samepeople who live there.
It's all just kind of like acommunity thing, so on and so
forth.
How the hell do you think theywere paying for that one tavern?

Becca (01:08:19):
they got there on the whole damn shire so you think,
okay, all of these littlecommunities, you just think
they're all fucking all the time.

Kyle (01:08:43):
The elves the dwarves, the Shire, the Elves, the Elves,
definitely are the Elves, andthat's all Elrond's doing.
Million percent.

Becca (01:08:56):
They fuck every single night.
I could see elrond making ahuman centipede on exactly see
them every single night now.

Kyle (01:09:04):
The shire isn't necessarily just fucking,
they're just all fucking rosy,so that's a little different.
They're not fucking each other,they're just fucking rosy.
So that's a little different.
They're not fucking each other,they're just fucking rosy.
They're not stupid.
That old Battleaxe, lobeliaSackfeld, exactly.

(01:09:25):
You never expect it.

Angie (01:09:28):
Not the Sackfeld Bagginses.

Kyle (01:09:32):
Not the Sackfeld Bagginses , Not the Saxville Bagginses.
That was battle acting Okaythere was that one lady who had
like nine kids.
Okay, so that was Rosie's mom,probably.

Becca (01:09:40):
She was so pissed.
Those are all Rosie's kids.

Kyle (01:09:45):
Exactly that's what it is.
It's a line.
Rosie's mom, she's so pissed.
That was the old lady who livesin the shoe.

Becca (01:09:49):
Rosie Cotton double penetration.
He's defeated me.
I literally.
She's such a wholesomecharacter.
She doesn't even have any lines.

Kyle (01:10:03):
Exactly All her holes are getting some.
Exactly.

Becca (01:10:08):
She can't talk Her mouth's full.

Kyle (01:10:13):
She can't talk Her mouth's full.
She can't.
She says, she says what.
She says like what.
Two actual words in the wholemovie.
She says good night lads.
That's it.
Those are the only audiblewords you hear her say.

Becca (01:10:28):
I'll see you later.

Kyle (01:10:31):
Exactly, she's always like shooing people away.
She's not dancing aroundseducing everybody with that
absolute fucking banger atBilbo's party.
By the way, love that song,yeah, no.
That song 100% she's gettinggang banged all the time Fucking

(01:10:55):
hell, fuck and hell and.
Frodo's doing that dumbass thingwhere he like drops it low and
stands up like hey, let me pickmy pie can we talk?

Becca (01:11:02):
about that for a second.
Why is he pop, lock and drop itat his uncle's birthday party?

Kyle (01:11:10):
his 111th birthday party, but he's the only person when
they do that wide shot ofeveryone in the shire.
You see him because he's theonly one going up and down, just
dropping down getting his eagleon girl, everyone else is like
dancing, like summer medals,like how you should dance to
that song and he's just like hedoes, he absolutely like drops

(01:11:31):
it down and comes up with thatfucking look on his face.

Becca (01:11:34):
Oh my god, I'm sweaty.

Angie (01:11:39):
Alright, we're gonna leave the shire, oh thank god it
stinks in the shire.

Becca (01:11:47):
It smells like unwashed ass in the shire.

Kyle (01:11:52):
It just rubs his unwashed ass in the Shire.
It just froze his unwashed ass.

Angie (01:11:57):
And we're gonna move on to other significant characters,
and I'm almost afraid to saythis name Treebeard Sounding.

Kyle (01:12:08):
Alright, hear me out, hear me out.

Becca (01:12:12):
Sounding All them trees were fucking.
I'm'm just kidding, I thinkhe's absolutely into sounding.
I'm picturing like like avatarstyle shit where they like
connect their twigs together andjust like dock inside of each
other like they're sounding oh,I thought she meant I thought

(01:12:35):
you were gonna go.
Uh, just loud sex too with hislike yeah in the trees exactly
god and the way they talk toeach other like the creaking
wood sound like when the treesare fucking get, get out of the
woods.
It's so annoying.
That's why all the tree wivesleft they're like it's fucking

(01:13:02):
annoying.

Kyle (01:13:09):
You know, like the excuse, like the night is.
I got a headache was like theygot the headache from it, like
it was just foreplay and theywere like Jesus Christ, I can't
anymore.

Becca (01:13:11):
I didn't have a headache until we fought.
I think they end up finding thetree wives, don't they Like by
the shire?

Kyle (01:13:16):
That's in.
No, that's not in the movies.
I think that's in.
It's a book.
I think that's in the books.
I think they do.
I think, not being thetrampling, just once again, just

(01:13:36):
that one.

Angie (01:13:37):
I'm just like absolutely just A-Town stomping that one
orc Crushing.

Kyle (01:13:43):
Maybe corseting.
Corseting, shape-changing thebodies through breath play.
I can get on board withsounding.
I can absolutely get on boardwith sounding.

Becca (01:13:53):
Sounding.
It's just.
I don't know why.
It was one of the things.
When we first started talkingabout this Treebeard,
immediately I was like, for somereason I'm thinking sounding
Like.
It just seems like.
I think he like he delighted inthe way the hobbits were
crawling all over him and he'slike man.

Kyle (01:14:06):
If they could just like crawl inside side, that'd be
great I think wait, like thatone that literally swallows them
up when they're like drinkingfrom that pool.
They shouldn't they started?
Yeah yeah, yeah like, takes himinto, like his, like tree
butthole or whatever yeah, see,trees don't sound the way humans
sound.

Becca (01:14:24):
It's different.
They like suck you in.
It's not passive and moving on.

Angie (01:14:32):
All right, moving on to.
Okay, so moving on to Isildur.
There you go Hell yeah.

Becca (01:14:42):
So Isildur Isildur, I call him Boromir 1.0.
He is.
What would have happened toBoromir if he actually ended up
with the ring in the first movie, l lactation.
Just because I don't like him,then it seems like something
weird to be into Lactation.

Kyle (01:15:00):
Yeah, boromir 1.0, lactation, because, like he
wasn't held enough as a child orsomething right.

Becca (01:15:06):
There has to be something .

Kyle (01:15:07):
The way he threw himself after his father got yeeted.
I can see that he definitelywasn't held enough trying the
same thing like it's like thatboromir thing he's like I want
my mommy.

Becca (01:15:15):
I died as a section.

Kyle (01:15:24):
You know what?
Yeah, I can see that specificlike yeah, lactation, I could
absolutely see that it's a leftthank you.

Becca (01:15:32):
you don't know why it works, but it does yeah.

Kyle (01:15:35):
Exactly, it's just his face.
It's his face.

Becca (01:15:39):
He misses his mommy or something.
It's just something weird.

Angie (01:15:44):
Alright, we're going to move on from that.
Alright, let's move on toFarmer Maggot.

Becca (01:15:55):
I had to fight.
I wanted him on this list.
We were going through andculling and I'm like he
technically is not an on-screentalent.
He is a sight that's all yousee of Farmer Maggot, but you
get such a vibe from himinstantly.
He's flogging you.
He is fucking flogging you.
You, he is fucking flogging you.

Kyle (01:16:19):
He was gonna beat their ass with the carrots like god
damn asshole.
Like he's shoving up andsnapping it.
Hold on food play.
Hear me out food play with thatcarrot in all his crops.
He's stingy with the.
He's shoving up here andsnapping it.
Hold on Food play.
Hear me out Food play with thatcarrot and all of his crops.

Becca (01:16:36):
He's stingy with the corn man.
I also love the way like oh,somebody's broken onto my farm,
I will chase them down with dogsand a scythe.

Kyle (01:16:44):
With a scythe.
Okay, hear me out.
Exhibitionism, Walk me throughit.
Partner, Like you said, youguys are just stealing.
You know just those cabbagesand those radishes the week
before and the turnips the weekbefore that.
So they're just stealing acouple crops.
He's got a big ass farm.
The way that he went zero to ahundred.
He has a lot of strong emotions.

(01:17:06):
He feels it has to be aspectacle.
He wants an audience.
He wants to set an example.
He wants to send a spectacle.
He wants an audience.
He wants to set an example.
He wants to send a message.
All eyes have to be on him.
Zero to a hundred, very quick,so like he's absolutely into
exhibitionism uh, yeah, you knowwhat?

Becca (01:17:28):
yeah, exhibitionmer Maggot, I see it, I heard you
out Words I never thought Iwould ever hear.

Kyle (01:17:37):
I know the sentences.

Angie (01:17:42):
I'm saying all these sentences today and it's amazing
.
All right well, we left thisone in just because I thought it
was funny to do Bill the Pony.
If the pony could have any kindof kink, what would a pony's
kink be?
Orgies.

Kyle (01:18:00):
It is going to be biting, collaring or raw-dogging it.
Because he's a fucking pony.
He's just going to bite you inthe leg.
All he's a fucking pony all he'sgonna do is bite you with his
collar and he's just gonna fuckthe hell out of you because he's

(01:18:25):
a fucking pony bite you on theback of the neck and just go at
it.
He's gonna bite you on the backof the neck hold you down and
take that giant horse cock andjust go at it.
She's gonna bite you with theback of the neck, hold you down
and take that giant horse cock,and just that's it, bill Raw,
all the way through.

Becca (01:18:42):
You know what Bill?

Angie (01:18:44):
You, naughty boy Biting.

Becca (01:18:48):
I think I have to call it for biting Elrond's like where
can I get one of those horses?

Kyle (01:18:58):
This is Shire Maid.

Becca (01:19:00):
Where did they buy Bill?
Did they buy Bill at thePrancing Pony?
No, no, no, no Bill.
Did he come from the elves?

Kyle (01:19:11):
No, no, no, no, no.
He must have.

Becca (01:19:18):
He doesn't show up, I think it was between Rivendell,
and the Pass is when they getBill, so I would think they got
them from the Elves.

Kyle (01:19:28):
No, because Gandalf was the.
He didn't even show up, butthere was one horse in the scene
, so on and so forth.
I think that's where theyscrewed up, because they did
film a scene with Tom Bombadil.
I think they got him from himbut they forgot to like edit him
out of the movie, like Bill outof the movie in that scene.
So I want to say don't quote meon that one.
Someone listening will probablysay it and they'll remember.

Becca (01:19:50):
Well, I know for a fact, when they let him go he goes
back to Tom Bombadil.
So I know Bill spends time withTom Bombadil, but I really
think that they got Bill fromthe Elves, I think they were
supposed to have him before, butthey didn't use him, I think
because they probably filmed itout of.

Kyle (01:20:04):
I want to say that's where it is.
It's because he's nowhere elsein the movie except that one
scene.

Becca (01:20:09):
Yeah, he's literally like before a minister.
I don't even think you see him.
They're like go home, bill.
He's like I'm leaving the moviewith Tom Bombadil Exactly.
I'm just going to look it upreally quick.
They purchased him in Brie atthe Prancing Pony.
Fair enough, he cost 12 silverpennies 12 silver pennies.

Kyle (01:20:28):
And his name is Bill.

Becca (01:20:30):
Okay, so here's what else is messed up.
So the guy that owned Bill wasapparently mistreating him, but
his name was also Bill, so theyleft the horse with the name of
his abuser.
No wonder he's biting.

Kyle (01:20:42):
They left the horse with the name.
That's it.
He lost it and he is nowofficially the horse with no
name.
Horse with no name.
Horse with no name.

Angie (01:20:56):
Alright, we're gonna move on to the King of the Dead.

Kyle (01:21:00):
Oof.

Becca (01:21:03):
For him.
I was just straight up branding.
He wants to be branded.
He wants to be like I don'tknow like they're very dedicated
to their cause Of likeredeeming themselves and I feel
like he's all about Servingunder Aragorn.
Be like I don't know likethey're very dedicated to their
cause of like redeemingthemselves and I feel like he's
all about serving under aragorn.

Kyle (01:21:17):
Like after that little encounter, he's like fuck yeah I
think it's because their curseis why they're so hellbent on it
, so they can get some fuckingshut up well, isn't a curse, a
brand?
They've been branded by thecurse no, a curse is a curse, I
think.
I think there's a magicalaspect or an element to a curse

(01:21:40):
there.

Becca (01:21:41):
Do you think a curse would brand you?
What about Harry Potter?

Kyle (01:21:44):
Are we talking Harry Potter or are we talking Lord of
the Rings?
Okay, fair.

Becca (01:21:49):
Put me in my place.

Kyle (01:21:51):
Because then we can also say the same thing.
He goes like oh, the Krakenwill be hunting anyone with the
black spot, you know, put me inmy place, because then we can
also say the same thing.
Because, like, oh, the krakenwill be hunting anyone with a
black spot, you know, oh, you'reright.
In Pirates of the Caribbeanthat's a curse of the black
pearl.

Becca (01:22:01):
When Frodo gets stabbed, he gets a black spot.
So I mean that's why they can'tgo by, see the kraken kraken,
legendary focus, shameless plug.

Angie (01:22:13):
I knew the plug.
I knew the plug would come inKraken, legendary focus,
shameless plug.
I knew the plug would come in.

Kyle (01:22:18):
That's what she said.
That is what she said Long con.
I had to wait all the way tillthere.
I had it planned.

Becca (01:22:27):
The King of the Dead.

Kyle (01:22:28):
Does he get choked?
He's into some.
Does he get choked?
He does, but I don't think hedoes.
I don't think he liked itthough.

Becca (01:22:35):
No, he did not like it, unless he's consenting to not
consent, but it didn't look likeit.

Kyle (01:22:43):
I can't pronounce it I-A-O-I.
A fetish of male and malesexuality in anime manga or
fantasy, yo-i towards the femaleaudience.
No, that one, um, there was alldead ghost dudes.
It was all dead ghost dudes orwrestling.
Oh because like he didn't haveto go to kill aragon, he kind of

(01:23:05):
puffed his chest out.
He was going towards him.
He goes, we're gonna wrestlearound and like this guy's
coming up in my house swinging,I'm gonna show mine's bigger.
So like I'm torn betweenwrestling and with what the
other one?

Becca (01:23:18):
is.
You know what I'll give you?
Yo, I'll give you that one.

Kyle (01:23:20):
I think that's how you say it, yo yeah yahweh, yeah,
yahweh I'm pretty sure that's ahebrew god and we are absolutely
gonna get sued come at me, meHebrew God.

Becca (01:23:32):
You can't sue me.
I have nothing.
I'll sue you for all you got.

Kyle (01:23:35):
Good Time's zero.
Uno reverse bitch.

Angie (01:23:40):
And we're on to the last two characters, gothmog and
Shelob.
Let's go with Gothmog, he's thewhite orc isn't he that?

Kyle (01:23:49):
was solid, that was solid.
That was a very good impressionof him.

Becca (01:23:53):
I'm clutching my pearls.

Kyle (01:23:55):
I'm proud of myself for that one, goth mog, that you,
special guest, goth mog um, okay, hold on a second, hear me out,
hear me out, he is a furry.

Becca (01:24:16):
He gives good head.

Kyle (01:24:28):
He's a furry because he's the only person we actually see
on like a weapon or like achariot or an actual physical
mount.
He also has that little bit offur on his armor.
I feel it's kind of like tojust always keep it close by.
When he's having a bad day hejust kind of like rubs it and
gets little tingles andwhichever portion of anything

(01:24:51):
below his leg works because he'sgot that little effed up limp.

Becca (01:24:55):
He's kind of fucky, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah, honestly, like hedoes have a special relationship
with his warg, he does.
I can give you furry.

Kyle (01:25:05):
He's not so aggressive towards it and the warg seems
tame.

Becca (01:25:08):
It's like the only thing he respects Exactly.
Also, what a move is it toslingshot some heads?

Kyle (01:25:14):
He took it right out of Genghis Khan's playbook, yeah.

Becca (01:25:18):
We're going to go.
Vlad the Impaler on thesemotherfuckers.

Kyle (01:25:25):
Vlad actually did that and , technically, Genghis Khan.
I think what he did was that hetook bodies that were infected
with the plague and he justlaunched the whole bodies into
the town.
Shit Damn.
Yeah, I think that's what hedid Either way, either way.

Angie (01:25:42):
So our last character is Shelob and we're going to end
with another animal.

Kyle (01:25:48):
I mean they literally said in that we said, they said it
in the movie Mummification.

Becca (01:25:53):
That's what I put too.
Oh my gosh, this fellow ain'tdead.

Kyle (01:25:57):
Yeah, she sticks him with her stinger, goes limp like a
bonefish, then has her way withhim, wraps him up like a little
Literally.

Becca (01:26:05):
Literally has his, she has his her way.
Has his her way with him.
Has, she has has her way withhim.
That was hard we way with himhas she has has her way with him
.

Kyle (01:26:14):
That was hard.
We are literally told that isthe.
That's what she said.
That is the only one that weare actually told what their
kink is of the entire franchise.
Hers actually is humification.
Yeah, and one less video gametalk.
It's the shadow of Mordor gameshadow of Mordor or shadow of
war?
I don't know but yes, exactly.

(01:26:34):
But Shelob has a physicalmanifestation.
That is not a gigantic,terrifying spider.
They made her way too fuckingsexy.

Becca (01:26:43):
They made her fine as hell.
Wrap me up, mommy.

Kyle (01:26:48):
Shelobin the only other fictional like Shelobin on this
knobbing she loved my knob.

Angie (01:26:57):
No big deal all right, and that's a wrap on today's
lord of the rings wait, can wetally him up?

Kyle (01:27:06):
who won?
You tally it up oh, who did win?

Angie (01:27:09):
I don't know, I wasn't keeping score.
Okay, let's go back up.
We're gonna cut all this out,so we're just doing this.

Becca (01:27:17):
You can say whatever you want right now.
Uh, that was where are we going?
I'm kind of bummed that therandom cave octopus wasn't on
our list.
Kikimora yeah the Kikimora.
Yeah the Kikimora.
You know its name.
That's only in the extendededition too.

(01:27:39):
Huh, there's no octopus in theregular version.

Kyle (01:27:43):
No, it is Yep in the theatrical cut.
Yeah, the octopus, I think theactual name of that creature
outside of Moria, I think itsname is actually the Gatekeeper,
but Tolkien wrote and describedit off of what the Witcher was
actually based off, of themonster of the Kikimora that's
described in the original Polishfolklore, which is essentially

(01:28:03):
just a.
It's like a mix between aspider and an octopus.

Becca (01:28:08):
Terrifying, but I could see those two being similar.
This was a long one one, guys,this was a marathon yeah human
furniture.

Kyle (01:28:20):
Human furniture is so good .

Becca (01:28:23):
You fucking went off on rosy cotton, man, I loved it.
I loved every second of thatrosy cotton.

Kyle (01:28:30):
Rosy cocking like jesus, yeah rosy cock and balls that's
what she's leaving she has.

Becca (01:28:40):
She has her own signature brand of the clap.
It's the cotton clap.
If you don't want to get that,oh my god, I'm pretty sure I won
.
I think you did bestconversation I've had in a while

(01:29:02):
.
I'll say good time, that was agood one.

Angie (01:29:04):
Thanks, becca, I'll just go fuck myself.
And then I spend every day onthe phone with you best
conversation I've ever had.

Becca (01:29:17):
Oh, it's one of those things where, like, how often do
you get to crack Lord of theRings wide open and just go in
depth?
You know what I mean?
Like it's just fun, this is aseries I fucking love, oh no, no
, I get it you won, kyle.

Angie (01:29:30):
I'm gonna tease this up a little bit.
Everything that I say nowsounds dirty.
So that's a wrap on today'sLord of the Rings showdown.
With a score of 15 to 33, Kyleis clearly the winner and the
king of the kink.
Thanks so much for tuning in tothe Black Curtain Club.

(01:29:51):
We hope you've had as much funas we did exploring middle
earth's extra side seriously,who knew frodo had that kind of
energy?

Becca (01:29:59):
and I really honestly didn't see that coming from
rosie.
But hey, that's what we're herefor giving you a fresh twist on
your favorite pop cultureworlds well, we made it out
mostly unscathed and we've gotplenty more fun in store, so be
sure to subscribe and reviewwherever you listen to your
podcasts.

Angie (01:30:17):
And trust us, this is just the beginning.
We plan to dive into Star Warsbecause, you know, those
characters have layers too.
Plus, we'll be exploring moreof your favorite fan universes
in future episodes.
We've got a lot more popculture fandoms to unravel, and
we can't wait for you to join uson this ride.

(01:30:38):
So until next time.

Becca (01:30:39):
May your journeys be epic , your kinks be extra and your
fandoms be fierce.

Kyle (01:30:44):
You shall not pass.
Bye, bye, bye.

Angie (01:30:58):
Bye Fly, you fools.
Nobody move a muscle Because Iain't doing this again, alright.

Becca (01:31:04):
Look at this fucking hell tunnel.

Kyle (01:31:08):
Thank you.

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