Ep 058: Perfectionism Is a Trauma Response

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In a world where perception is currency, we’re often more concerned with how things look than how they feel. We smile for pictures when our hearts are heavy, post about joy when we’re barely making it, and perform perfection while silently falling apart. And somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that pretending is noble—that enduring quietly is strength.

The truth is, many of us have become so skilled at hiding our pain that we forget it’s even there. We’ve learned to function in dysfunction. To mistake high performance for healing. To believe that being needed means we’re okay.

Freedom begins when we admit we’re tired of performing—tired of holding it all together while silently falling apart. It’s not weakness to let go of the image of being the strong one; it’s worship. It’s trusting that we’re still loved when we’re not impressive, allowing God to meet us in the mess. Being honest about our needs isn’t a burden—it’s the first step toward real freedom.

In this episode, I challenge the self-righteous label of perfectionist and expose what often lies beneath it—deep feelings of unworthiness and fear of rejection. I share how trauma, especially from childhood experiences with our mothers, can shape how we show up in the world and stop us from even trying. I unpack how language reveals our pain and how healing invites us to change our behavior. If you've ever felt paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough, this one’s for you.

Topics Covered:

(00:00:00) Episode Snippet

(00:00:19) Welcome to The Black Mother Wound Podcast

(00:01:56) Home is my paradise

(00:03:39) Stop calling yourself a perfectionist

(00:05:41) What perfectionism really says

(00:06:52) The trauma behind trying

(00:09:14) The only way through is exposure

(00:11:45) Stop hiding behind perfectionism

(00:12:51) Start messy, grow anyway

(00:14:27) Growth is scary when you don’t believe

(00:17:09) Perfectionism is abusive

(00:18:19) Re-examine your language

(00:20:00) You can’t keep rejecting the younger you 

(00:22:31) Where are you harming yourself?

(00:24:45) Even high-performers feel self-doubt

(00:26:40) I can't do perfect

Key Takeaways: 

"Healing is an action verb. It's about how you change your behavior."

"The only way you can prove to yourself that you are worthy is to put your shit out there and then do the reparenting work to soothe yourself in the process."

DISCLAIMER: I am not a licensed psychologist, medical doctor, or health care professional and my services do not replace the care of psychologists, doctors or other healthcare professionals. All opinions expressed here are my own. If you feel you are in any danger of harming yourself please call 911. I am not providing health care, medical or nutritional therapy services, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental or emotional issue, d

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