Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Andrea Matthies (00:00):
I'm Andrea Lee
Matthies, writer, photographer,
and Clairvoyant Medium, and thisis the Bold, Brave Woman Project.
This podcast is a living, breathing,unfolding of what it really
means to step into our becoming.
Born from the ashes of a failed YouTubechannel, this weekly podcast brings you
real unfiltered moments of failure, ofbravery, and of deep intuitive knowing.
(00:25):
so that you too can step into who you arebecoming with even more trust and bravery.
Let's dive in.
Hello, and welcome back tothe Bold, Brave Woman Project.
If you are listening to this intro,this is actually the second version
of this episode that I've releasedfor this podcast, and there's a
(00:45):
really, really important reason.
Why that is.
When this podcast first started,which I introduced a little bit
in the episode last week aboutthe failed YouTube channel,
that failed YouTube channel was kindof like the end of the story, and it
was really important for me to recordthat episode and release that to get
(01:08):
the podcast into the airwaves, really.
But the full story of the Bold, BraveWoman Project actually goes way back.
You see, two years ago, I released my veryfirst major podcast called Body Diaries.
Body Diaries was this beautiful ideathat I had to create a space where women
(01:30):
could come and talk about the journeysthat they've had with their bodies.
Because as women, we don't oftentalk about the hardships or the
things that we go through andthe ideas and the relationships
that we form with our bodies.
And so I wanted to create thisbeautiful space for women to come
to share their real and raw storiesof what it's like for them, being in
(01:54):
a body and journeying through that.
And Body Diaries was such a passionproject and still is to this day.
But what I realized through somany conversations with so many
incredible women is that we are notalways comfortable using our voices,
or we are not always comfortabletalking vulnerably about some of
(02:17):
the things that we've been through.
Like, it is really confrontingand can trigger those states of
shame and questioning about who weare, that I realized just having
the space to speak wasn't enough.
If women don't feel confident to evenembrace their story and share it.
Body Diaries can only go so far.
(02:38):
And so about a year ago I had thisbeautiful idea to create a podcast.
At the time it was called Bold, withAndi Matthies, and so I started creating
these episodes about stepping intoour voice and, you know, becoming
the narrator of our lives and havingthe confidence and courage to really
(03:02):
express ourselves in only the ways thatwe can and allowing ourselves, giving
ourselves the trust, to back ourselvesto be able to speak and overcome fear.
And at the time, I, I fell in lovewith this idea and I started recording
these episodes all around voice.
But I tripped into my own fear andmy own second guessing and, and
(03:26):
feeling like I have no place in beingan expert in this space and nobody
would wanna listen to these episodes.
And so the 10 episodes, I think it wasthat I recorded, they just got shelved.
I actually wrote a substack,piece about this last week.
I'll link it in the show notes ifyou wanna go back and read all about
the full origin of this podcast.
(03:48):
But when I was thinking about rebirthingand recreating this podcast, the Bold,
Brave Woman Project, I thought I'm gonnadig out those old episodes that I recorded
and see if there are any that fit thetheme of this beautiful new endeavor
that are worth surfacing and sharing aspart of this new version of the podcast.
(04:13):
So this particular one that Ireleased last week, it was one of
the first episodes that I recordedas part of Bold and talks a lot
about my own journey with my voice.
But here's the thing, when I listened backto it, that original episode was recorded
in such a different version of me.
(04:36):
You know, it was 12 months ago andso much has been uncovered, has been
exposed, has broken down, has beenrebuilt over the last 12 months.
Especially, and I talk about thismost recent breakdown and breakthrough
that I've had in the last coupleof weeks that is being shared in
episode three, which drops tomorrow.
(04:59):
The energy of this original episodewas more from a space of, a teaching,
sharing through story type energy.
And whilst that's not wrong,absolutely it's not wrong.
And, and at the time I was coachingwomen in stepping into self expression
as my niche, it's very different to theenergy that I want this podcast to be in.
(05:25):
And when I listened to it backafter uploading it, I realized
the tone, the vibe and everything.
It's, it's so different.
It.
Is representative Yes.
Of a version of me, buta different version.
And I thought it was very interestingbecause when I hit the upload button,
I popped a little text based post up onFacebook, which is not my normal channel.
(05:50):
Usually I'll share through Threadsor or Instagram, but I popped this
text up on Facebook, and that was allI did and I couldn't quite understand
at the time, this time last week.
Why that was like, why is it thatI'm only putting one little post
up in a space that people are notused to connecting with me through.
(06:15):
And I'm like, oh, I know what that is.
It's because on an energeticlevel, I know that.
This represents an old piece, but I hadkind of gotten trapped in that old energy
of the sunk cost fallacy, and I'm notsure if you're familiar with that term.
The sunk cost fallacy is where weinvest so much time into something
(06:36):
that we are too afraid to.
Not extract value from that, or weare not, we're too afraid to waste all
of that energy that we need to use itor we need to do something with it.
It's why we might invest in somethingand we realize that it's not really the
right fit or it's not doing the thingthat we need it to do, but we keep pouring
money into it, hoping or praying andtrying to extract value so that we don't
(07:00):
look foolish for all the time, energy,investment that we've put into something.
And so I feel like.
I had crept into that energy a littlebit 'cause I'm like, there's this
beautiful, powerful episode that wasmeaningful at the time when I recorded it.
It was the first time that I had spent,you know, 40, 35, 40 minutes just talking
(07:22):
about myself and my journey through thelens of vulnerability and rawness some
of the, the lows and the highs that I hadexperienced in my journey of my voice.
And I thought that's important to share.
That is a.
A milestone thing that Iput so much effort into.
I needed to share that as part of thispodcast so that the time and the story
(07:44):
didn't go to waste, and I thought aboutdeleting it like this last couple of days.
I'm like, do I just delete episodetwo and you know, relaunch with
this new episode that's coming outtomorrow, which is more real time.
It is more of the breakdowns and thebreakthroughs and the realizations and
the things going on in my life now throughthat lens of the real time becoming
(08:07):
what it looks like to walk through the.
The questioning and the becomingas it happens, which is the promise
of this new version of the episode.
You know, maybe nobody's reallylistened to it anyway 'cause I
haven't been promoting it and just.
Pretend like it didn't happen, but I'vedecided not to, and that's why I wanted to
(08:29):
record this little extra new introductionfor this episode and keep it up there.
Because becoming is messy.
Like we don't always know what we'redoing and we don't always do it right,
but everything that we do on the journeyis so valuable and this episode in
(08:52):
particular, it's showed me exactly whatI do and I don't want this podcast to be.
And so it, it belongs here becauseit is part of the becoming journey.
It's part of my journey, it'spart of this podcast journey.
And if I was to delete that.
Just out of fear or of shameor of thinking, oh, I'm being
(09:16):
inauthentic, or, this isn't real time.
This is an old version of me.
Or even just feeling ashamed of perhapsjudging myself that the energy of the
podcast is coming from a, a more spaceof, well, here's a topic I'm going to
talk about through my story, versus,Hey, here's what's happening in my
life and here's what I'm contemplating.
(09:37):
I don't wanna delete thatbecause it's, it's important.
It's a, it's a piece of the story
i'm also acutely aware thatremoving it would also lean into
perfectionism, that energy that weoften have where we always want to
curate or protect or project certainimages or professionalism or status.
(10:00):
And I thought if I delete it,it's me giving into that need to
be perfect and to be polished.
And I thought, oh, this, thisepisode needs to stay here just.
To show to myself, not to anybodyelse, to myself, that I'm not
afraid or ashamed of who I was.
I, I'm not ashamed of the thingsthat I tried and failed or second
(10:24):
guessed or judged or shelved, andthen fell into the sunk cost fallacy
of, well, I should probably dosomething with this rather than it be
a waste of all that time and energy.
'cause I spent months and hours andhours and hours putting energy into
the first version, of that podcastthat I created Bold with Andi Matthews,
(10:45):
which got shelved and shut down.
And then I, months and monthslater, that's when the idea of the
YouTube channel interviewing allof the female comedians came in.
And I went on that journeyand then that got shut down.
I had that energy of, gosh, all of thesefailed projects, I need to do something
with some, some of it, but I just.
(11:07):
I didn't want that shame narrative tobe there, and so I've decided to keep
it here and you can hear the difference.
In fact, if you haven't listened to thisepisode yet, I would even encourage you
to like not listen to it until you hearthe episode that comes out tomorrow,
because that episode that's droppingin the morning was recorded just after
(11:32):
a big breakdown, um, a big breakdown,breakthrough, and I'm, I'm using those
words interchangeably because I, I,didn't have one without the other, but
it was this big realization that I hadsleepwalked into a life that wasn't mine.
And that's a real time recording.
That is something that'shappening and that I'm leading
myself through at the moment.
(11:53):
And so if you wanted to, I wouldeven listen to that episode so
you can hear the difference inthe energy to this episode here.
This episode is such a beautifulmoment in my life but you
can just hear the difference.
You can hear how far I'vecome in the last 12 months.
(12:16):
Between then and now, and even now, Istill, i'm still in the middle of the
becoming and I will be for my entirelife, but the energy is very different.
Um, I'll drop the, the link to theepisode in the show notes so that you
can get across to, to both of those.
But it doesn't hurt us toshow where we've come from.
(12:39):
It doesn't hurt to show whatwe've realized, what we've
walked ourselves through, wedon't need to be afraid of that.
I've lived my life with so muchshame about the past that it's time
to just let it be the beautifulexperience and journey that it is.
So please enjoy this episode as aglimpse through time, a glimpse back
(13:03):
into an older version of myself, adifferent energy, a different time.
As a little gift of a little piece of me.
And if you wanna let me know in thecomments what you think, or if there've
been times in your life where you'vewanted to just, or, or you have erased.
The evidence of who you once wereto avoid that feeling of shame.
(13:25):
I'd love to hear from you 'cause thisis such a normal thing that we do, but
in this moment, I'm just choosing toallow it to be a beautiful piece of me.
I hope you enjoy it.
And here it is.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Today I want to talk about identityand voice because not all of us
(13:48):
feel empowered to really speak.
You know, quite often we have thesereally deep stories and experiences
that we've had that are laced and ladenwith incredible insight, but there can
be lots of layers of conditioning andfear over the top of that, that really
prevents ourselves from speaking.
And traditionally, women havenot had empowered opportunities
(14:12):
to be able to speak.
If we look over the course of history,suppression of women's voices, women's
rights, Our ability to speak and reallyexpress ourselves has been stifled, yet
we are coming into this really incredibletime now where there are so many more
platforms and opportunities for us tobe able to share our incredibly powerful
(14:33):
stories, But sometimes what holds us backis still having this old conditioning
that really prevents us from being ableto not only speak, but really own who
we are and own our power, and have thecourage to really step up and express
ourselves just as we are Because whenwe do share our stories, it creates
(14:56):
these incredible ripple effects havethe ability to really change the world.
And I really understand this becauseIf I'm completely honest, I have been
on a really difficult journey withmy own voice and my own confidence.
And it really wasn't that longago where I struggled with being
paralyzed and terrified to speak upand speak out and share my story.
(15:22):
I look back at my journey, honestly, andit's crazy to think that I've gone from
such crippling anxiety and hating howI sounded and being terrified of really
putting myself out there, especiallypublicly, to now fully embracing my voice.
And this is one of the reasonswhy talking about voice and how to
really unlock it is so so importantbecause I truly, truly believe that
(15:46):
all of us have these most incrediblevoices just waiting for that moment
when we're brave enough to use them.
And there are so many differentways in which we can use our voices.
It could be something big, likegetting on a stage or being confident
enough to be on social media,share your message with the world.
(16:08):
Or it could be something simpler, likehaving the confidence in your family
dynamics or in your relationships tojust finally say what's been on your
mind or set those boundaries or saythose things that you know that your
soul has been craving to say, but it justhasn't had the confidence or willingness
(16:30):
or freedom to be able to speak up.
And a huge, huge part of this is notjust about finding a voice and then
getting really loud and speakingthe words that you want to say.
This is all about finding your voice.
Yes, but tapping into and rememberinghow confident you are, how powerful
(16:52):
you are how important your storyand your journey to date has been.
Quite often we feel like we havenothing of value to say, or our
lives have been vanilla or simple,or we haven't been through enough.
Tragedy or growth or expansion tohave anything worthwhile to say.
But honestly, this is not true at all.
(17:13):
and when we realize that it justcracks open this potential to expand
into things in our lives that arebeyond even our wildest dreams.
It will have incredible ripple effectsright across your life, more than
just having a social media account orjust being a performer on the stage.
(17:33):
I've worked with so many women rightacross the world from all walks of life.
Women who are just wanting to remember whothey are and how incredible that they are
so that they can tap into that confidenceto open their voices and own who they are
and love it in the process And I've workedwith other women who are performers and
(17:56):
stand up comedians and singer songwriterswho know they have stories And they want
to be able to step into that magnetism,that confidence on stages or on other
platforms and share their stories sothat others who might be feeling alone or
scared or forgotten about can hear theirmessage and connect with them on that
(18:17):
level of, oh my gosh, there's someone elsewho understands what I'm going through.
There's someone else who gets this andthrough sharing our stories and the
things that worked, the things thatdidn't work, the trials, the tribulations,
the celebrations, These are powerfulin that they can go on and create these
incredible ripple effects in the worldand really create change, not just for
(18:41):
ourselves, but for others around us.
And I don't know about you.
I'm someone who really wants to getto the end of their life and look back
and be like, that was for something,you know, that was meaningful.
I did something that helped,even just in a small way.
For me, that's motivating other women,talking about voice, talking about
(19:02):
confidence, talking about identity.
I'm going to get into my story in alittle bit, but I've had so many different
incidences, both large and small, thathave really rocked me and my identity.
Made me question who Iam, what am I here for?
Am I even any good at this?
Nobody wants to hear this.
I've had all of these different fearsthat I've had to navigate to get to
(19:26):
this point now where I really understandthe power of voice, the power of owning
exactly who we are right now in thismoment and Trust me, I have tried on so
many different personalities, ways ofshowing up, ways of being, and honestly,
it's so difficult energetically totry and constantly contort yourself
(19:48):
to be something that you're not.
And so really, finally going and saying,All right, Andi, this is who you are.
This is what you've been through.
Doing the work to really find thatlove for myself, that love for my life,
even in the moments where it's hard anddifficult and you questioning everything,
coming back to that sense of self loveand knowing that what I do is important
(20:12):
and it has the potential to help andheal so I can get to the end of my
life and know that it was all worth it.
To kick us off, I thought it wouldbe really helpful to give you a
bit of context as to my journeywith my voice and some of the
things that I've had to overcome.
And I have to say, it's,it's been a real battle.
(20:34):
As a young child, I reallystruggled to speak up.
I was particularly terrified ofanyone older than me or anyone who
felt like they were in a positionof authority or seniority to myself.
And I really held back on voicingwhat I needed or how, how I felt.
And I remember distinct memories,like being hungry and wanting to get
(20:58):
something simple like a piece of cheese,but being so terrified of asking for
it and potentially being rejectedor being told no or being yelled at.
And I had created these worlds in my mindwhere asking for something Oh, speaking up
felt super scary and was really difficult.
So there was so many times where I wouldsend in my little sister who's four and
(21:22):
a half years younger than me and wassuch a beautiful, confident little girl.
I would convince her that she alsowanted a piece of cheese or something
else from the fridge and that it wasa really good idea that she should go
and ask the adults or whoever it was
That I deemed asauthority over the cheese.
And 9 out of 10 times,honestly, she'd go in there.
(21:45):
She was super cute.
So she'd be really cute.
And she'd say, Oh, can Iplease have a piece of cheese?
And I would be peeking out frombehind the doorframe, watching
my little sister, thinking, youknow, is she going to get it?
Oh, she's asking, just completelyliving vicariously through her
to get this piece of cheese.
(22:06):
And nine out of 10 times, she did.
She'd get the cheese.
Like, it really wasn't a big deal, butin my little body, it was so terrifying.
And I was so worried of the fear ofrejection or being yelled at that
I simply couldn't use my voice.
Unless it was my mum or dad orsomeone that I was really familiar
with, I couldn't speak up.
(22:27):
I couldn't ask for anything that I needed.
And And while this is only one example,there were so many times over my
young life where speaking up or askingfor things was really difficult.
And I know these early experiences of notbeing able or not being confident enough
to speak were deeply rooted in fears likebeing rejected or being judged or being
(22:52):
told off, which would mean I was imperfectand I had a real need to be perfect and
well put together and well liked thatcreated so many issues like this for me.
You know, my voice and not being able tospeak up was a downstream effect of a lot
of these conditionings and beliefs that Iheld about myself and the world around me.
(23:14):
And at that age, I.
I didn't know what was going on.
I, I just knew that all I had was fear,which then created this paralysis.
As a medium now, and someone who's deeplyentrenched in the ways of the quantum
and spirituality, I know that many ofthese conditionings and beliefs came
from from well beyond this lifetime.
(23:35):
You know, there's a lot of thingsthat happened in my current lifetime
that yes, did contribute to it.
But there were many things that camethrough from past lifetimes, from
ancestral lines that came in and madethis matrix of complexity that resulted
in me not being able to speak up.
And this density of these fears was justbound up and knotted in my little body and
(23:59):
just resulted in me being terrified allthe time around my voice and who I was.
This low base meant that When I wentthrough other significant periods
or experiences in my life, my voicejust got buried even more and more
under different layers of fears andbeliefs that I had about myself.
(24:21):
I had such a difficult time duringmy primary and secondary school
years, even into university,that You know, I just stopped
speaking up and I didn't speak out.
And even although I held many jobsin the marketing and sales sector
around this time, particularly aroundthe university period, that required
(24:42):
me to deliver keynote speeches orpresentations like it was a big deal
And really, really difficult for me.
And I find it really interesting that whenI've spoken to family members and friends
about this battle that I had for so long.
It's been such a long time aroundspeaking with confidence, so many people
that I've spoken to have reacted to saythat it seems so bizarre because I did
(25:07):
have this ability to project an air ofconfidence And yes, I have to agree.
got very good at projecting confidenceand seeming really powerful on stage.
However, the anxiety and the amount ofeffort that I had to put into preparing
and over preparing and making sureeverything was perfect was exhausting.
(25:32):
and I inside, I was a mess.
Honestly, I was, I was fakingit until you're making it.
But if I'm really honest,I was not quite making it.
And that had a significant impact onmy self esteem and how I saw myself
and, you know, it attributed to thingslike eating disorders, body dysmorphia,
(25:57):
social isolation, you know, stayingin abusive relationships way too
long because I just felt like I hadno value, I didn't like who I was.
So of course it was impossibleto own that and love that.
And so I kind of just floated andbounced and really was driven by fear.
And, you know, I evenlost about five years.
(26:20):
Probably longer, but I lost fivevery significant years of my life
to a really severe depression.
Like, can't get out of bed,level of depression and despair.
You know, this feeling of not being worthyof anything or not feeling like there
was any point showing up and expressingand exploring things because there
(26:42):
was just so much despair under there.
It's all connected to not loving,owning who I was, standing in my
power, realizing that just as I wasand who I was, was enough and did
have a significant role to play in theworld by just being me and liberating
(27:03):
myself from all of these fears to findthis beautiful voice that does exist.
This passion for helping others, this wantto be in the world and make a difference.
At that time, I couldn't see it.
It was buried under such heavy,heavy despair and sadness and
conditioning that had come from somany different energetic facets And
(27:26):
so of course I had to make a change.
Like I had to draw a line in the sandand set the really powerful intention
to myself that like enough was enough.
I didn't want to be this way anymore.
I wanted to find a way to lovemyself, to love my life, to be
someone who was confident because I,in amongst all of this, you know, I
(27:47):
was quite academic, but I also had areal passion for the creative arts.
Like in high school, youlaugh, but in high school, I
wanted to be Miss Spielberg.
Like I was the, the person that wouldrun around with the camera and was
writing scripts And, you know, it wasindulging in these creative pursuits.
And when I look back at it now, Ican see that yes, I had the creative
(28:11):
streak, but for me particularly, andthis doesn't apply to everyone in
filmmaking, but, but, Being behind thecamera was still a degree of hiding.
Like it It was the upper limit of mycomfort to really put myself out there.
But being in plays, being in movies,creating these stories, this underlying
current of storytelling, like it hadbeen there for me for such a long time.
(28:34):
I was even writing storieswhen I was really young and
I had, this beautiful bestfriend through primary school.
She and I used to raid costume boxesand find these little costumes and then
go around and put on plays and we lovedit with choreograph dances and little
performances, but I distinctly rememberby the time we got to grades five, I would
(28:58):
say, which is probably around that age of10, You know, putting yourselves out there
in that way, you know, you are open opento ridicule and kids can be really cruel.
Like, I've never really loved schoolfrom a perspective of bullying.
That's that's anotherbig part of my story.
And I think these combination ofexperiences of bullying That's bullying.
(29:19):
being terrified and then trying to putmyself out there creatively and then
getting humiliated in terms of kidslaughing I internalized a lot of this.
So wanting to be Miss Spielbergwas me trying to have a voice and
telling stories, but from a kind ofprotected or sheltered perspective.
And so all of these things compoundedto get into my early 20s and
(29:44):
have this severe depression, Iknew that I had to make a change.
And so I really powerfully andpassionately drew a line in the
sand and said I feel so broken andI I don't want to be here anymore.
Like I need to start lifting myself up.
This is a line in the sand and being thetype of person that I am, I am an all in.
(30:06):
And so I said to myself, no matter whatit takes, no matter how hard it is,
I'm going to pull myself out of this.
Like I am going to rebuild myself.
I'm going to find myself.
And that spurred me on to make decisionslike seeking out in the early days
counsellors and then delving into theenergetics of things like EFT and tapping
(30:29):
and lots of different metaphysicalmodalities as well, and healing,
kinesiology, everything that I couldget my hand on to start really unpacking
what it is that I was dealing with,what all this fear was, and start to
recode that and doing all of that work.
And it took me all around the world.
I've worked both locally here inAustralia, I've traveled over to
(30:50):
the States to work with incredibleenergy workers and shamans and
leaders of different modalities.
I've traveled to India to work withgurus in really intensive settings
to kind of tick all of this out anddo body work and do energetic work.
I've worked with sexual based energyhealers as well to try and unlock
(31:10):
all of that stuff that was stored inmy body that was really holding and
suppressing my voice and my confidenceand my power down, to really unpack
and break out of all of that old stuff.
I just didn't want to holdthat in my body anymore.
And there was so many ambitiousthings that I wanted to achieve.
I wanted to take my creativity tothe next level, but instead of being
(31:33):
behind the camera, because I knewfor me, that was a sense of hiding.
I wanted to.
I wanted to be confident to show upon social media, to lead movements
and change That makes a difference.
But it was a hard journey.
Like, there were moments where Iwanted to give up, and I did give up.
(31:53):
I did.
In full transparency, there weremoments I was like, no, I can't do this.
It's too much.
I can't do this.
It's too heavy.
I'm just feeling so broken You know,I would go back in and I would retreat
and I'd go back into relationshipsthat were bad for me, I'd change who I
was, I'd give away all of my power, myconfidence, and my voice, which is the
worst thing that I could have done whenyou give your voice away to someone else.
(32:15):
And so I'd have these momentswhere I'd go back, I fall back, but
there was always something in me.
And if you're listening,you might recognize this.
There's always this little thing,this little voice, this little
twinge, something in you that'slike, Oh, I'm not going to give up.
Like, I know I gave up, I putmy hands up, I surrendered in
this moment, but you know what?
(32:36):
I'm going to keep trying.
I'm going to find the next thingthat's going to help me, the next book,
the next person, the next coach, thenext thing that the universe presents
to you or piques your interest andyou're like, oh, there's a reason.
And for me, one of those things that theuniverse kind of wrangled in my path is
my mom and I went to a random free seminarabout body language and presenting.
(33:01):
And at this point, and I was in careerswhere I was doing a lot of presenting,
And this little mini day seminarabout body language and stage presence
came up and my mom and I went along.
And at the end of this workshop,they pitched this three day
intensive speaker's bootcamp, right?
And it was like putting you in apressure cooker to not only teach you
(33:25):
and train you on effective stagecraftand speaking, but really bringing in
all of those story showing elementsso that you could become that next
level of keynote speaker on the stage.
I honestly was terrified.
My mom, she's amazing, and I'm goingto have her on the podcast at some
point to tell her story because she'sgot a really powerful story, but
(33:46):
she heard the woman speak and wasstraight up the back of the room.
And signed up.
And I was sitting in the audiencethinking, you know, who am I to do this?
Why would I even sign up to this?
How am I going to pay for it?
What would my fiance at the time say?
Like he was not, a big fan of investingin, um, personal development because
he didn't see the value in it.
(34:07):
And I had allowed him toimprint that belief on me.
So I was sitting there and then my momcomes back from the back of the room
after signing herself up and sits down.
She's like, don't be angry.
but I've signed you up as well.
I remember exploding.
I was like, what?
What have you done?
Like, I can't, you know, all ofthe reasons pouring out of me.
I can't afford it.
(34:27):
What's my fiance going to say?
Like, I'm going to be in so much trouble,blah, blah, Like all of the fear and
the conditioning just pouring out.
She's like, just trust me.
Just trust me.
It's going to change your life.
Like, I've just got a feeling.
And so begrudgingly, And here'sthe thing, like, she signed me up,
but I still had to pay for it, so Ibegrudgingly went up to the back of the
room and handed over my credit card.
(34:47):
And honestly, it was the best thingthat I did because it opened the door,
like, setting that intention and beingwilling to be stretched so far out
of my comfort zone to do that was thebest thing that I could have done.
And the event itself, the bootcamp itself, wasn't for, you
know, a month or two later.
Huh?
(35:08):
So I had to go home and bridge the subjectwith my fiancé at the time and tell him
that this is what I was going to do.
And, you know, went through the wrath ofall of that, And mum and I went, and it
was an incredible experience, both fromreally triggering the depths of fear
and questioning who you are, becausethis boot camp was set so intensively.
(35:31):
Like, it moved quickly.
It threw you on stage straight away.
You know, there were videocameras, they were videoing,
doing professional headshots.
Like, it was the whole thing.
It was a pressure cooker.
And I remember for the firstcouple of days, like, just
struggling, battling, struggling.
You know, you'd have a moment whereyou'd deliver something Right.
But then your head would come inand say, that's not good enough.
(35:53):
Like, who are you?
And the very last night, it was a Saturdaynight, class ran until like 9 or 10 p.
m.
at night.
And then we had to go home and writethese, I think they were four minutes.
a keynote like high level keynotespeeches to come back and deliver in
front of the broadcast crew and anaudience and everything the next morning.
(36:16):
And so with class finishing at 10 p.
m, like it was a late night of,like, writing and practicing.
And mum and I had hired a little Airbnb.
It was adorable.
And so we had this beautiful littlespace where we were working on our
things and I just felt all of that oldconditioning, I just felt so broken.
And I wrote this thing, I practicedit, I couldn't get it to land
(36:39):
because I was also dealing withthat perfectionism streak as well.
And when you've got perfectionismon board, because I hadn't quite
healed that to this point, you know,it makes you question everything.
And so nothing was lining up tothis incredibly high benchmark
that I had set for myself.
that I vowed that I couldn't do it.
(37:01):
I quit.
I went to bed.
I was like, I'm sorry, mom.
I've let you down.
Like, I can't do this.
I'll let them know in the morningthat I'm going to step out of like
doing the final, presentation.
And this is just who I am and how I am.
And I'm just residing to the fact thatthis is me and I'm never going to be
confident enough to tell my story orto be a powerful presence on stage.
(37:24):
Like it's just not for me.
Like I'm just not builtthis way essentially.
And so I I left mum who's workingin the living room and went to bed.
Basically cried myself to sleep.
But in the next morning I woke up, mumshe had her speech, you know, she was
working through her own conditioning.
We went down to the early morningstart of the last day of the bootcamp.
(37:44):
And I went up to the organiser and justexplained he was a lovely man and just
said look I can't do this, like I can'tdo it, I'm feeling all these things, it's
not good enough, like essentially justa real terrified old patterned response.
And he was like, that's fine.
You know, we're never goingto force you to do anything.
and he looked at me and he said,and I've never forgotten this.
(38:05):
He said, you are capable of more thanwhat your brain is telling you you can do.
I sat there and I thought about it.
There was something true that hithome because I knew on an energetic
level, there was something aboutexpression and storytelling and being
(38:25):
confident that was really familiar.
You know, it was that distant echoof, I know I've done this before,
whether it's in a past life, whetherit was from different experiences
in different contexts, there is anenergetic memory here of actually
being a confident storyteller.
(38:45):
And so I sat in that energy and thefirst few people came up and they
did their presentations and they,you know, we're in a bootcamp.
So they weren't perfect and polished,but they resonated and they hit.
And so I sat there and I got this reallyclear, intuitive hit to say you need to
write your speech right here, right now,based on exactly what you're feeling.
(39:07):
Drop the pretense and the sales pitchand all the other things that you were
going to get out there and talk about.
Just drop all those subjectsand all of those topics and just
write about this moment and thisfeeling so that's what I did.
There was speaker after speaker on thestage and, and I just sat there and I just
wrote and wrote and wrote on these cards.
And then at the very end, they said, isthere anyone else who wants to come up who
(39:31):
perhaps was thinking of sitting out today?
And I raised my hand andsomehow between writing it.
It had sunk deep enough into my psycheand into my bones that I went up there.
I popped the cards on theside and I delivered this
amazing keynote presentation
And I had a standing ovation.
Like it was, I can feel the emotioncoming up as I tell you this story, like.
(39:55):
It was an incredible turning point inmy life to be able to show myself that
no matter how dark things felt and nomatter how insignificant I thought I
was or that my story was, it could havea profound impact on others, on myself
It was a moment of transformation for me.
(40:17):
And so from that dayonward, I became obsessed.
I started taking every courseon voice, on expression, on
confidence, on channeling, on.
All the different modalitiesand I just studied like a fiend.
Like I learnt everything that I couldand made a really powerful decision to
actually make this my life's work.
(40:38):
And so this became my world.
I quit my corporate job in 2021,To start a coaching business on a
massive leap of faith And I launched apodcast called Life in Contradiction.
I launched Body Diaries, To nowbeing an actor and performer of all
things, honestly, of all things, togo from that anxiety to now being
(41:00):
on stages is honestly so profound,even to me, still, I look back on it
and I'm like, how did this happen?
I am so proud of myself andnavigating all that I did to get here.
And I can tell you that itbrings me so much joy now.
not just from the work that I do, butfor how I see myself, No matter what's
(41:22):
going on, the chaos around me, the,you know, the day to day difficulties
that we all face, I can look in themirror and be like, it was worth it,
I love you, this work is important,And it's all because I drew that
line in the sand and said, enough.
Now is the time where I decidethat I'm worth something and
(41:43):
that my voice is worth sharing.
And so if you're listeningthinking, I could never do that.
I could never have the confidenceto speak up and share my story.
Let me tell you, you 100 percent can
Trust me.
There are so many powerful ways thatyou can navigate all of the energetics
(42:06):
that you've got on board or thebeliefs, the conditioning that exists
within your body, within your soul.
You can shed those.
And this podcast is goingto dive into a lot of these.
I'm going to be sharing lots ofdifferent moments from my lifetime
and the depths of despair that I felt
But all of the different modalities,techniques, tools, realizations that
(42:29):
I came to, and sharing these with youso that you can start to, if they feel
aligned with you, really shift out ofthese old modes and ways of being so
that you can really own who you are.
So if if you have any questions or there'sanything that you're still moving through
when it comes to your confidence connectwith me on Instagram @andi.matthies
(42:51):
and let me know.
What kinds of things do you want to knowabout boldness and stepping into this?
You know, what is itthat you dream of doing?
And what's standing in the way of youdoing that so that we can tackle these
topics together and really get you outthere feeling confident and really
create this incredible life that you want.
(43:11):
So Make sure you stay in touchwith me, drop me your questions.
What is on the other sideof this is so worth it.
And I cannot wait to goon this journey with you.
Thank you so much fortuning into today's episode.
If you wanna check out all of thebehind the scenes content for this
podcast, make sure you subscribe to mySubstack channel, the Becoming Archive.
(43:34):
You will also be able to find me onThreads and Instagram at andi.matthies.
Make sure you're connected andstay up to date with what's coming.