July 14, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode of the Bold, Brave Woman Project, I reflect deeply on what it means to be a bold, brave woman in today's world, particularly in the context of my own life. I explore how I have allowed my career, relationships, and societal expectations to define me.
After a recent event that left me questioning my path, I share my journey of realising that what I thought I wanted and needed might not truly align with my authentic self. This reflection has been both daunting and enlightening, leading to significant conversations with loved ones, and reevaluations of who I am and who I want to be.
Join me as I unravel these thoughts and feelings, seeking to inspire you to also examine your definitions of boldness and bravery in your own life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Andrea Matthies (00:00):
I'm Andrea Lee Matthies, writer, photographer,
and Clairvoyant Medium, and thisis the Bold, Brave Woman Project.
This podcast is a living, breathing,unfolding of what it really
means to step into our becoming.
Born from the ashes of a failed YouTubechannel, this weekly podcast brings you
real unfiltered moments of failure, ofbravery, and of deep intuitive knowing.
(00:25):
so that you too can step into who you arebecoming with even more trust and bravery.
Let's dive in.
Andi M (00:33):
Hello and welcome to the Bold, brave Woman Project.
I've been thinking a lot lately aboutthis project and about what it really
means to be a bold, brave woman I thinkwhat's been really interesting is I've
always had certain definitions of boldand brave and what it means to be a
woman, particularly in today's society.
(00:56):
But lately I've been trying toreally dig into that and think,
yes, but what does that mean for me?
What does that meanfor me and for my life?
And if I am to go on this journey ofmaking myself the bold, brave woman,
the woman in the project, the woman whowants to dream and dare and do things,
(01:21):
what is it that I need to change?
Like what does that actuallytangibly and realistically look like?
And it sent me on a bit of a rabbithole, and that's why I wanna share
this episode with you right at the topof the podcast because I've actually
landed in some places that I didn'texpect and have been battling a few
(01:44):
things lately that I've really had todig into and around to work out what it
is that I really want for myself, what,what it is that I want for my life.
Do I wanna continue down the pathway ofthe things that I've been doing and the
way that I've been living my life and theway I've been managing my relationships,
(02:05):
and I'm not sure that it is.
And whilst.
Placing these kinds of questionscan be daunting, can be scary,
can be anxiety provoking.
There's also this moment of, ofexpansiveness, of expression, of really
excavating what is real and what istrue and not fact, because I know
(02:29):
there's a big difference between true.
In fact, particularly when it comes tobeing a human and living in a nuanced
society with everything that is aroundus in terms of our material lives,
but also our energetic lives as well.
But who is it that I really wanna be?
(02:49):
Now, up until this point, like I'vebeen reflecting a lot on my life.
I have had such a.
Meander type life.
especially when it came to mycareer, and, and I've defined myself
by who am I as by what I'm doing.
What I'm doing in terms of mycareer, in terms of my hobbies and
(03:12):
activities, my day-to-day routines,I've allowed the doing and the action
and the titles to really definewho I am, and this has worked well
and quote unquote, successfully.
Find both financially and from arelationship perspective for a long time,
and so I haven't really needed to questionit, but just with all of this energy
(03:35):
that's moving through me at the moment,I'm in this place where I, I actually
wanna lift up the lid and the curtain anddust these places and spaces off and look
at them with a perspective of questioning.
A, how did I get here?
And B, is this really what Iwant to continue to move forward?
(03:59):
And it's been both a delightful andexpansive period, but also one of quiet.
Dark, um, and heaviness.
Not so much darkness, but heavinessand sadness and contraction of
questioning and realization that perhapsI've landed myself in a space and a
lifestyle that isn't one that reallyaligns with my, my heart in terms
(04:25):
of who I am now and where I'm going.
I look back over my life and noneof the decisions have been wrong.
This isn't about.
Reflecting and having regret and wantingto have made different decisions.
There's a huge amount of grace andgratitude that I do feel when I look
back across my life because all ofthe hardships, all the difficulties,
(04:50):
all of the decisions that weremade that perhaps led me down
paths that were less anticipated,still got me to be where I am now.
Even with some of the contractionand things that I am working through,
but it's such a beautiful place to bewith all of this depth of experience
(05:11):
and wealth of knowledge that comesfrom having lived through a lot of
those experiences and having to aska lot of those questions based on
the things that I have either done orseen or witnessed or had done to me.
You know, there's, there's awealth of questions that now exist
(05:32):
for me to be able to ask that.
If I hadn't have had those moments andthose experiences, I wouldn't even be
aware that there were different questionsto ask or different ways to see or look.
And it also helps me relate to the worldand relate to people in a deeper level.
And so there's this huge sense ofgratitude that I do carry with me
(05:53):
every day, but also this need now to.
Really just sit and look at it alland ask, well, who do I wanna be?
Not just who I am, because ofcourse that is always evolving.
And of course the decisions and actionsand things that I've done that have
(06:15):
led to this point shape who I am.
But who do I want to be?
And one of the things that I've beenthinking about recently and has come
through really clear for me is thisdifference between want and need.
And I think I, for a longtime, I've confused the two.
I've lived in this placeof, well, I need everything.
(06:36):
Or like I want everything.
'cause I need it.
You know?
I have had a career.
And the different episodes will touchon different facets of this, but I've
had a career where I've done lotsof different things from creative
to engineering and technical tomarketing to strategic back into, um.
(07:00):
Nursing fields and healing fieldsand service fields right across,
again, to creative and strategic.
And I have just gone throughthese different cycles and
different periods where I've haddifferent focuses in my life.
And along the way I have pickedup certain lifestyle traits.
Like I wanna live in a reallygood suburb and I wanna have
(07:23):
a certain, um, type of living.
Sort of environment in terms oflike really modern and clean and
you know, you walk in and it's likemarble and it feels really lovely.
Like I'm not talking lavish, but I'mjust talking that simplistic, modern.
Yet I've made it when I walk in thedoor and look around at this, the
(07:47):
fixtures and the fittings and thefurnishings, like somehow in my life I've
attributed success to things like that.
And you know, when a certain.
Um, relationships.
You know, I want deep caring relationshipswith my friend and my family and
my husband and I have a beautifulrelationship with my husband, but I also
wanna make sure I am seen to be socialand have certain friendship groups
(08:10):
and feel fulfilled on those levels.
And.
I wanna do certain hobbies.
There's been lots of things that Ijust, along the way of moving in and
out of these different careers and thesedifferent experiences and decisions I've
made, that I've picked up all of these.
Well, I need these things 'cause otherwiseI'm unhappy and I've built a life around
these decisions and around these wants.
(08:32):
But what is really interesting is of late.
I've gotten everything that I reallyquote unquote wanted the definition
that I thought was going to make mehappy in terms of the house, in the nice
suburb or the, the apartment rather.
In the nice suburb with thebeautiful fixtures and fittings and
(08:53):
furniture, you know, the perfectmarriage with an amazing man.
So I can say, oh, you know, thisis my husband and I'm married.
And you know, the titlethat goes with that.
I've got the coaching business, whichis, you know, one of those titles
that a lot of people seek around.
Oh, you're a, you know,a coach or a mentor.
You run your own business,you're an entrepreneur.
(09:14):
You know, there's a certain level,even though it's hard work, prestige
and reputation that goes with that.
I work for myself.
I, I make my own hours.
I call in my own clients, you know,there's a lot of power and like
I said, reputation or energeticstatus that comes along with that.
So I kind of, all these things that I'dbeen dreaming of and working towards.
(09:37):
I woke up recently andI'm like, oh my goodness.
Like I, I followed that pathand I have those things.
Why is it then that there'sstill a part of me that.
It doesn't wanna be here, that doesn'twant to be in this apartment, that
doesn't want to necessarily show up onInstagram and do all the things that
(09:59):
we need to do for our coaching businessand serve the clients in the way that
we've set the framework up to, to do.
Um, you know, the way that my husbandand I have set up our lifestyle and
our hobbies and our routines and habitsand how we have dinner and all of the
things like, why am I all of a sudden.
Having chased and built and wanted,all of these things, why am I so
(10:26):
sad and empty and unfulfilled?
And I'm not saying that nothingin my life makes me happy.
You know, my husband and I recentlymoved into this new beautiful
apartment and in our old apartment Iwas dreaming of this new apartment.
And we've moved and we'vebeen here for four months now.
This last couple of weeks, I wouldsay the last two or three weeks
(10:47):
I've been waking up and I'm like.
Why is this not enough?
Like, why is the thing that Ithought was gonna bring me joy?
Not, you know, did I make a wrong choice?
Should we have stayed in the other place?
Like, you know, you start to questionall of our decisions and doubt
ourselves, but I realized at some pointI had followed a path that I had set
(11:08):
for myself based on what I thoughtthat I needed and that I wanted.
And I've woken up with the universeand all the effort that I've put in
that I, that I have the thing thatI've wanted, and all of a sudden I'm
like, oh, maybe that's not what Iwanted because I was sleepwalking on
(11:28):
autopilot into a life that I thoughtI needed, or I thought that I wanted.
And this all catalyzed becauserecently I went to an event, um,
there was an event by a mentor anda coach that I love here in my area
of Melbourne, and she was hosting anevent that was a collaboration event.
(11:51):
It was an event that broughtpowerful women together into a
space to meet, network, collaborate.
Learn more about collaboration, getinto the energy and the energetics of
what that is and how that works so thatpowerhouse women could come together
and build incredible things together.
Because as a solo entrepreneur, we don'tnecessarily always wanna work solo.
(12:14):
Sometimes if we find our right person.
We wanna create and buildmagical things together.
And I'd kind of gotten to a point in mycoaching business where I was like, I
think collaboration is the next level.
That is the next level of success anddoor opening and opportunity that I need.
And so when this event.
First popped up, I waslike, right, I'm there.
(12:37):
Bought my ticket.
And my mom's also in this beautiful spaceas well, so she, I, I mentioned it to
her and she's like, yes, I wanna go too.
It's gonna be amazing.
so we booked accommodation, we'dorganized all of our things.
We were gonna go away for a couple ofdays and go to this event and brainstorm.
It was gonna be magical.
(12:57):
And so I, for a month, I waslike, oh, this event, this
event's gonna be my next level.
This event's gonna havethe answers that I seek.
And so I had so much anticipationon this event, unlocking the next
level, both within me and for mein terms of collaboration and.
It got down there, we checked into ourlittle Airbnb, which was beautiful,
(13:20):
like, you know, modern and all of theaesthetic things that, you know, makes
you feel, particularly when you'reentrepreneur, that you've made it.
This is amazing.
and the next morning we get up and weget ready and, you know, quite excited.
We head off to this event.
The event itself was at a winery.
So again, it was at thebeautiful, um, location.
(13:43):
There was, it was beautiful reception uponarrival, and we settle into this space and
then the event starts, and the women whowere leading it were very high energy and,
and beautiful, high intentional women.
But what I realized, the longer thatI sat and watched this event and
watched these women in this space.
(14:05):
It's hard to describe, but there was apart of me that kind of got further and
further and further away as if I waslike watching it, um, from a bird's eye
view perspective and had nothing but thisfeeling of, oh my goodness, I thought that
I was one of these women and that theseare the kinds of events and spaces and
(14:30):
women that I wanted to be in host, um,you know, lead support, the whole thing.
I thought that this was the world thatI, not desperately, but this is the
world that I was elevating my coaching.
Two, because my coaching has been verydeep and very intimate, one-on-one, and I
(14:51):
thought, no, I'm gonna go big with eventsand stage and all of this kind of stuff.
And I was watching this group andthe women around me and just felt.
Like an outof body experience, and Iknow this was my higher self starting to
show to me and to crack open and releaseall of this armor, this shielding,
(15:14):
this structure of who I had become.
All of a sudden, my higher self andmyself and my inner knowing started
to release all of that outside.
It was like a crust that I'd been wearing,whatever was going on in this moment and.
Being divinely supported.
All of this stuff just melted.
(15:35):
It just cracked and melted away, andall of a sudden I was sitting there and
I was like, I don't want any of this.
This is not who I am.
This is not the world that I wanna be.
I don't.
Wanna lead these kinds of rooms.
like I had been following a path ofentrepreneurship, of marketing, of
(15:56):
branding, of becoming, of contorting,to be a coach that I thought was the
best version of me that I should be, andI'd found myself in this room, which I
had, you know, been so excited to getinto and to pay for only to realize.
(16:18):
I don't want any of this.
This is not for me, and this is absolutelyno comment on these incredible, powerful
women that we're reading are leading thisworkshop, and this is no comment on the
women in the space because I could seethem in their full, beautiful selves.
(16:38):
but I realized all of a suddenthat I'd been trying to emulate
and become a version of that,which for them is a beautiful fit.
But for me, I was like, oh myGod, what have I been doing?
This is nuts.
This is not the life that I wanna have.
(16:59):
This is like I'm somehowsleep walked my way.
Into wanting this orthinking that I need this.
And this is, comes back to thisconfusion around want or need.
Like I didn't want it and I alsorealizing I didn't need it and I'd
entangled both of the two things.
(17:20):
But what happened was I, it waslike a four hour event and by
the time the event ended, I.
There, there's something that sometimeshappens when we have this cracking
open that we start to, to make senseof it, we start to turn to either
blame or justify or explain it.
(17:41):
And the only thing I couldturn to was turn it inward,
like, what's wrong with me?
Like, why am I not enjoying this?
Why am I starting to feel likethere's something wrong with me?
There's something broken.
Why is this not the answer that I'vebeen seeking when all indications
on paper or logic or the, the waythat I've lived my life until this
(18:04):
point, you know, why is it not?
The solution, like why isit not working and fitting?
And I had these questionsswirling around and like, is
there something wrong with me?
Like I am.
I.
Broken.
Am I stuck in scarcity?
you know, all of these questions,pointing it inward as if there was
(18:26):
something drastically wrong with me,and that they were right, and that This
world of entrepreneurship was right andcorrect and gospel written in stone, and
there was something broken within me.
And so we left the event andgot back to the accommodation,
and I felt like an empty shell.
(18:47):
I walked into the accommodation and thetears started, the heaviness, started
the questioning, that feeling of like, Ithought I'd built this incredible solid
basis and all of a sudden it was likethat had just smashed into a million
pieces and I was just falling and floatingand not knowing where the solid ground
(19:11):
was anymore because this thing that Ithought was real and that I'd wanted and
that was going to carry me to my nextlevel of my life and a deeper connection
with myself had just been shattered.
All of a sudden I was seeingeverything and feeling everything,
and I just sunk into this really,it wasn't a darkness, but it was a
(19:37):
despair of, if not this, then what?
You know, I've always been.
I guess this is part ofsocietal conditioning, that my
logical mind is the safest bet.
Like if my logical mind can figure itout and I can see it, then I can plan it.
Then I can be sure that it'sgonna happen and I'm safe.
(19:59):
And so with this space, with being inthis, all of a sudden this liminal voids
space of, well, if not that, then what?
My mind was absolutely reeling, andthis is the thing, um, I do know
quite a lot about human design andparticularly about my own human design.
I'm a six two
I have pretty much everythingin my centers undefined and open
(20:22):
except for my spleen and my sacral.
And so the only two things that I knowfor sure to rely on is my connection
to my intuition and to source and mydeep knowing, my body's ability to
know what is right or what is wrong.
I have an open hit.
I have an open, um, top of mind.
(20:43):
I have all of my other centers.
Open.
So that means that I can feel, see,sense, no take in map, match all of
the other energies that are around me.
But in terms of who I amnow and where I'm going.
that is the job of mysacral and my spleen.
But because I have operated and beenconditioned to for such a long time
(21:05):
to be academic, to be logical, tobe sure by plans and stats, and feel
safe by making decisions in that way.
This smashing of this grounded platformthat I had been working on building and
increasing and heightening with thatgone, everything just felt like it was
(21:29):
reeling, like, if not this, then what.
And so I just ended up into this place of,I can only really describe it as despair.
This despair of sadness of not thisthen what, if not this, then who am I?
And and we were due to check outthe next morning after this event.
(21:50):
My mom and I spent the restof that day just kind of like
feeling through all of the stuff.
I don't know whether to burn everythingto the ground, whether to start pivoting,
to, to do something different, likeeverything just became liminal and
vast and unsure, but at the same time.
(22:12):
At the same time, even though therewas so much despair and so much
questioning there, there was alsothis feeling of yes, blank slate.
My logical mind was finding it.
' cause it was like, if I have a blankslate, what do I write on the sleep?
Like, tell me what to write on the slate.
I need to know, I need to beable to write something or draw
something or, or, or just know.
And so I had to really workwith that and be like, no,
(22:34):
blank slate means opportunity.
It means possibility.
It means discovery.
Not only of what this is, but who I am.
The life that I truly wanna lead.
And we were meant to check outta theaccommodation the next morning, but I was
in such a space of sadness and questioningthat I said to my mom, like, I can't go
(22:57):
back to my home right now because I just,I don't know where I am and who I am.
And so we quickly got on as women too.
We got onto Airbnb andwe found another place.
'cause the place that we justchecked out of wasn't available.
I would've just gone backthere, but that's okay.
We found another Airbnb and I just lookedat my mom, I'm like, is this crazy?
(23:19):
Like should I just.
Just suck it up and go back homeand, and like just figure it out.
Like it's crazy to pay for anothertwo nights of accommodation,
you know, is this worth it?
And we looked at each other andwe're like, let's just do it.
She wasn't ready to go home too, becauseshe was in this beautiful energy of all
this expansiveness that had happened.
She's like, I need some more timeto really marinate in this and
(23:40):
figure out what I wanna do too.
So.
We found another Airbnb and we booked itand we checked in for another two nights.
And those two nights were so tough interms of not knowing the solid ground
that I wanted to have underneath me.
It wasn't that I.
Couldn't or didn't have solid ground,but all of a sudden it was like,
(24:02):
what ground do I want underneath me?
Where do I wanna take this?
What do I wanna do?
And so I spent those two daysjust really allowing myself to
feel this, We sat by the water,
a lot and looked at the ocean andhow beautiful that is, and we went
(24:24):
on a gondola ride up and down themountain to see as far as we could
see, and we meditated and journaledand just spent time in this space of
allowing this emotion to move through.
And it was the best thing.
Honestly, because in that space I allowedmyself to really realize, oh my goodness,
(24:47):
I have gone through my life just shavingoff pieces of me and parts of me that I.
have enabled me to fitinto spaces and boxes.
Like I just shaved a little bit offhere and shaved a little bit off
there to come become a certain kindof coach or a certain kind of wife, or
(25:07):
to fit into the suburb that I live in.
It's like, oh, justtrim this and trim that.
But that trimming at the time,I'm gonna reflect back onto it.
It wasn't forced trimming.
It was willing trimming.
Like I had willingly been like,no, there's the thing I'm gonna do.
This is what I want.
I'm just gonna nip and tuck and,and contort and I, and willingly
done so to the point where I'dconvinced myself that's what I
(25:29):
wanted and that was comfortable.
And all of a sudden I'm in thisplace that I'm like, I can't breathe.
What, where have I shavedoff parts of myself?
Where have I become so deeplysad, but optimistically convinced
that I have a good life.
And that, that I was doing goodin the world and that I was in
(25:50):
service and that was enough.
And like I absolutely love my work interms of helping the world and helping
women, but I had somehow found myselfdoing it in a way that was conforming
and I'd woken up living a life anda routine in a house in a way that I
was like, I didn't like any of this.
(26:12):
I wouldn't say hate.
I don't hate anything.
I just am like, it's just not enough.
It's not enough because it's not aligned.
And that's where I've realizedthat I had confused the
difference between want and need.
I'd blurred the lines and I'd madewhat I'd need and what I thought
I needed to be the wants andto be the things that I chased.
(26:36):
But what I've realized is that what Iactually need, there's only a few things.
One is for me and everybody willbe slightly different, but my
absolute needs are clean food.
Like I have a lot of sensitivitiesjust based on my energetics.
I have a lot of sensitivities around food.
So I just need clean, healthy food.
(26:57):
I need clean water.
I need shelter and warmth.
'cause I don't, I struggle whenI'm really cold and I have the body
type that feels the cold bitterly.
So just shelter and warmth andsunlight, like food, water,
shelter, warmth, sunlight.
(27:17):
You know, in those thingsbeing safe, just finding safety
and security in those things.
They are the only things that I needthat I absolutely need, and everything
else around that is up for grabs, andit's up for grabs in the way that I
can define what it is that I want.
(27:38):
When I think about the thingsthat light me up, I want to be
able to see out and see a view.
If I can't see the sky and I can'tsee nature, I feel super enclosed.
And that's the problem that I'mhaving in this beautiful apartment.
Like the internal furnishings andfixtures of this apartment is gorgeous.
You know, it's in a prestigiousbuilding in a well sought
(27:59):
after quiet upper class area.
But the outlook isn't fabulousbecause we look out onto the complex
of other apartments, and so there'sthis caged kind of feeling that comes
in, even although there's a marblebenchtop, you know what I mean?
Like I need to be able to see outI'm like so at peace when I can
(28:19):
see, and it was the same when I wassitting by the sea or on the gondola.
As long as I can see out and I'm in aplace that is just peaceful, I'm happy.
So it's like, right.
That is a want.
That is an absolute want tinteetering on the edge of need, but
it's something that I want that I.
(28:40):
Want to have in my life.
I wanna build my life around.
The other thing is because of myenergetics, my mediumship, my channeling,
my psychic abilities, one of the thingsthat I love is having time to just listen,
to be in the silence, to just have.
(29:03):
To just have nothing but the naturesounds around me so that I can
just hear and listen and channeland interpret and bring through.
That gives me such a deep sense of peace.
So that is another want, that is athing that I wanna build my life around.
And the other thing that bringsme so much joy, is travel.
(29:25):
it's exploring, it's not knowing.
And then slowly meandering and uncovering.
And, financially that oftenleads to increased expenditure.
to be able to do that, there'spart of my mind that always goes,
ah, I probably should save that.
You know, I should save that and investthat in the business, so I should save
(29:46):
that and, and do this other thing.
And so a couple of years ago, I did a fewmassive trips overseas and they brought
me so much joy and I didn't realize justhow little value I had placed on that I'd.
I'd put them in the bucket of theniceties, a luxury, you know, I
(30:07):
tried to put my business around.
I'm just gonna be a digital mo nomad andrun my business everywhere in the world.
But that didn't necessarily fit atthe time because again, I was copying
other digital nomads and thoughtthat that would be the thing to do.
But this time recently, I really feltthe times that I'm the most happiest
(30:28):
is when my husband and I are going ona little trip to explore a new place.
We'll jump on the train and travelfor hours in a direction to end up
in a curious little town that wethen explore and have lunch and come
back, or I'm road tripping, or I amheading out somewhere to meet someone.
And I realized that this.
(30:50):
This feeling of being on the move of beingand heading towards these destinations
that are beautiful, that are expansive,that are nature driven, the hiking, the
walking, camping, all of those things.
They are things that I want.
They're not things that I wanna keep inthe luxury or when I have time bucket.
(31:15):
They're not things that we just do onthe weekend when we're not working.
They are a lifestylechoice that I wanna have.
And so there was another thingthat I'm realizing I'd slice
that off and categorize that in acertain way that I couldn't do it.
But they are things that Idesperately want in my life.
(31:38):
And so I got home from this event andhad to have a really big conversation
with my husband to admit that I wasso unhappy that I had sleepwalked
into a life that I thought I wanted.
(31:58):
I'd sleep, walked into living in acertain way that wasn't perhaps me.
I'd woken up one day and realizedI'd contorted myself so much.
But it's why things that I try don't work.
It's why I am always wanting toleave the apartment, not because the
apartment's bad or the suburb is bad.
It's because I'm just, I'm not free.
(32:20):
I'm not myself.
And so having that conversationwas obviously difficult because.
My husband automatically wasworried that it was because of us.
And of course, he andI are not the problem.
He is beautiful and I love himwith all of my heart and my
soul, and he makes me happy.
He makes me laugh.
But the lifestyle that we had chosento build for ourselves had lent a
(32:45):
little bit more based on expectationand should and a little bit more on his
sort of lifestyle as well, which he is.
Loves to be grounded and cozyand comfortable and stable.
And I respect that.
I absolutely respect that.
But I had kind of just sleepwalkinto making that, or trying to
make that mine, and it wasn't.
(33:07):
So we had to have this big conversationand I shared with him deeply that,
honey, I am just, I'm not happy.
I, I don't know what the change is yet,but I'm gonna have to make a change.
I'm gonna have to make adrastic change for me to become.
This beautiful sense of who it is that Iwant to be this real for the very first
(33:30):
time in my life, this authentic, real,stripped back version of who I am, and I
don't know who that is, but I know that,that I'm not her or I haven't been her,
and I'm now wanting to become her sodesperately, so intimately, and him being
such an incredible human, he acceptedit and he's like, whatever you need.
If you wanna, you know, dosomething else, let's do it.
(33:52):
Like divorce isn't gonna solveanything for us because our
marriage isn't the problem.
But having someone so willing to seeand understand how you're feeling
is so incredible that I, I remaingrateful for that and for him.
But it sent me on this trajectory thenfor the next week of, well, who am I?
(34:14):
And some things started to open withinme that are never really opened to
the depths that they have beforebecause all of a sudden they have
space things like writing, like Iam writing on threads and substack.
Vivaciously, which I've always beena very good writer in terms of, I've
held lots of different jobs thathave required writing, and my writing
(34:38):
has been good, but not like this.
Not from a deeply channeled open tap way.
And so I'm realizing, like I said tohim, like writing, like I need to write.
I need to figure out a wayto just write and express.
And I don't know what that will leadto, but I need to open that door.
And the other one is photography.
(35:00):
Again, I've never wanted toreally learn and pick up a camera.
But this need all of a sudden camethrough me to be able to start capturing
what I see and how I feel alongsidemy writing in the photographic form.
And so all of these new channels,because I allowed myself to go back to
(35:21):
the liminal space and strip back all ofthe, the things that I thought I wanted
to be like, what is it that I want?
And then listen and just listenand allow those little trickles
to come in and follow them.
I'm starting to feel like I'mseeing the version of, of who I
am that I really want to be, thatis authentic, that is real to me.
(35:44):
And so I've contacted an amazingphotographer to ask for mentorship.
I'm looking at changing the waythat I completely live so that I can
wake up in the morning and have thesunlight on my skin to be able to
write and express and be curious and,
take who I am and what I do on theroad and allow whatever opportunities
(36:06):
that will bring to come through me.
I'm opening the doors to that.
I'm continually exploring withmy husband and with my myself.
This is what I want and notbeing too afraid to say it.
This is the most significant thingthat I'm discovering through this
process is that it is scary togo to your loved ones and say,
(36:29):
I dunno who I am.
I'm deeply unhappy.
Here are some of the things that arelighting me up and I wanna go and do that.
is such a big conversation to have.
It takes a lot of bravery and alot of courage, but it was the most
powerful thing that I could have done.
And of course, at first hewas like, oh no, are we okay?
Are we okay?
And I'm like, this is not about us.
(36:49):
You and I are solid.
And I'm like, if you wanna come,come, but this is what I need to do.
I can't stay here.
I can't keep slicing off partsof myself to fit into this
life because I'm just so sad.
I need to do this for me, but I'mnot trying to burn everything to
the ground and if, if a life on theroad is not for you, that's okay.
(37:11):
You can stay and we'llfigure it out no matter what.
We'll figure it out because whatever ismeant to be will be having those kinds
of conversations are so difficult and inthe past I would've agonized over that.
The what ifs, how will he feel?
What will he say, what will others say?
Whereas now with this beautiful frequencyof bravery, of courage, all of the healing
(37:34):
and all the work that I've done havingthose conversations they're just what is.
And I'm not saying I wasn't scared.
I'm not saying that thereweren't moments where I was like,
uhoh, what's gonna happen here?
But there was so much frequencybehind me that I was matched to
that allowed me to just say, andof course I broke down in tears.
(37:55):
There were tears and things.
But there is just this beautifulopportunity now to really start to uncover
and step into and figure out along theway and adjust, where my income comes
from and, and where I am and who I'mwith because it is so important to me to
(38:15):
really uncover who it is that I wanna be.
And what if I really, truly ama bold, brave woman project.
I need to be true tobeing a bold, brave woman.
And so if there is anything in yourlife that you are realizing that you've
sleepwalked into or you have confusedwant and need or isn't fitting, just
(38:41):
spend some time really feeling into that.
Where have I confused want and need?
Where does my soul wanna take me?
And what brave conversations am I willingto start having so that I can even
just start the process of excavation?
Because that's where it all beganto me going to this event, having
(39:02):
all of these questions directedinward, and then starting to uncover
it and being ready to answer them.
This is gonna be an unfoldingjourney, like I am right at the
beginning now of starting to unpackand really figure out what this is
gonna look like in the next chapters.
I'm gonna be sharing it as I go so thatwe can explore and uncover and experience
(39:27):
this together because in this world, Itruly believe that there are times that
are beautiful and powerfully spent in solomoments of excavation, of questioning, of
wondering, but also incredible moments ofsharing and community and collaboration.
(39:48):
So, at any time you wanna reachout or connect or share your own
experiences, please feel free to do so.
I'm gonna be thinking and deeplypondering over the next week.
I'll be back with more episodes onupdates of this, but also other little
thoughts and things that pop in alongthe way, and I cannot wait to see what
(40:09):
unfolds for both of us, for all of us.
For everyone who's here on this planetwith us on this journey because we are
all bold, brave women, and I cannot waitto see what we create on the other side.
Have a beautiful day, andI'll speak to you soon.
Andrea Matthies (40:27):
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
If you wanna check out all of thebehind the scenes content for this
podcast, make sure you subscribe to mySubstack channel, the Becoming Archive.
You will also be able to find me onThreads and Instagram at andi.matthies.
Make sure you're connected andstay up to date with what's coming.
I'm Andrea Lee Matthies, writer, photographer,
and Clairvoyant Medium, and thisis the Bold, Brave Woman Project.
This podcast is a living, breathing,unfolding of what it really
means to step into our becoming.
Born from the ashes of a failed YouTubechannel, this weekly podcast brings you
real unfiltered moments of failure, ofbravery, and of deep intuitive knowing.
(00:25):
so that you too can step into who you arebecoming with even more trust and bravery.
Let's dive in.
Andi M (00:33):
Hello and welcome to the Bold, brave Woman Project.
I've been thinking a lot lately aboutthis project and about what it really
means to be a bold, brave woman I thinkwhat's been really interesting is I've
always had certain definitions of boldand brave and what it means to be a
woman, particularly in today's society.
(00:56):
But lately I've been trying toreally dig into that and think,
yes, but what does that mean for me?
What does that meanfor me and for my life?
And if I am to go on this journey ofmaking myself the bold, brave woman,
the woman in the project, the woman whowants to dream and dare and do things,
(01:21):
what is it that I need to change?
Like what does that actuallytangibly and realistically look like?
And it sent me on a bit of a rabbithole, and that's why I wanna share
this episode with you right at the topof the podcast because I've actually
landed in some places that I didn'texpect and have been battling a few
(01:44):
things lately that I've really had todig into and around to work out what it
is that I really want for myself, what,what it is that I want for my life.
Do I wanna continue down the pathway ofthe things that I've been doing and the
way that I've been living my life and theway I've been managing my relationships,
(02:05):
and I'm not sure that it is.
And whilst.
Placing these kinds of questionscan be daunting, can be scary,
can be anxiety provoking.
There's also this moment of, ofexpansiveness, of expression, of really
excavating what is real and what istrue and not fact, because I know
(02:29):
there's a big difference between true.
In fact, particularly when it comes tobeing a human and living in a nuanced
society with everything that is aroundus in terms of our material lives,
but also our energetic lives as well.
But who is it that I really wanna be?
(02:49):
Now, up until this point, like I'vebeen reflecting a lot on my life.
I have had such a.
Meander type life.
especially when it came to mycareer, and, and I've defined myself
by who am I as by what I'm doing.
What I'm doing in terms of mycareer, in terms of my hobbies and
(03:12):
activities, my day-to-day routines,I've allowed the doing and the action
and the titles to really definewho I am, and this has worked well
and quote unquote, successfully.
Find both financially and from arelationship perspective for a long time,
and so I haven't really needed to questionit, but just with all of this energy
(03:35):
that's moving through me at the moment,I'm in this place where I, I actually
wanna lift up the lid and the curtain anddust these places and spaces off and look
at them with a perspective of questioning.
A, how did I get here?
And B, is this really what Iwant to continue to move forward?
(03:59):
And it's been both a delightful andexpansive period, but also one of quiet.
Dark, um, and heaviness.
Not so much darkness, but heavinessand sadness and contraction of
questioning and realization that perhapsI've landed myself in a space and a
lifestyle that isn't one that reallyaligns with my, my heart in terms
(04:25):
of who I am now and where I'm going.
I look back over my life and noneof the decisions have been wrong.
This isn't about.
Reflecting and having regret and wantingto have made different decisions.
There's a huge amount of grace andgratitude that I do feel when I look
back across my life because all ofthe hardships, all the difficulties,
(04:50):
all of the decisions that weremade that perhaps led me down
paths that were less anticipated,still got me to be where I am now.
Even with some of the contractionand things that I am working through,
but it's such a beautiful place to bewith all of this depth of experience
(05:11):
and wealth of knowledge that comesfrom having lived through a lot of
those experiences and having to aska lot of those questions based on
the things that I have either done orseen or witnessed or had done to me.
You know, there's, there's awealth of questions that now exist
(05:32):
for me to be able to ask that.
If I hadn't have had those moments andthose experiences, I wouldn't even be
aware that there were different questionsto ask or different ways to see or look.
And it also helps me relate to the worldand relate to people in a deeper level.
And so there's this huge sense ofgratitude that I do carry with me
(05:53):
every day, but also this need now to.
Really just sit and look at it alland ask, well, who do I wanna be?
Not just who I am, because ofcourse that is always evolving.
And of course the decisions and actionsand things that I've done that have
(06:15):
led to this point shape who I am.
But who do I want to be?
And one of the things that I've beenthinking about recently and has come
through really clear for me is thisdifference between want and need.
And I think I, for a longtime, I've confused the two.
I've lived in this placeof, well, I need everything.
(06:36):
Or like I want everything.
'cause I need it.
You know?
I have had a career.
And the different episodes will touchon different facets of this, but I've
had a career where I've done lotsof different things from creative
to engineering and technical tomarketing to strategic back into, um.
(07:00):
Nursing fields and healing fieldsand service fields right across,
again, to creative and strategic.
And I have just gone throughthese different cycles and
different periods where I've haddifferent focuses in my life.
And along the way I have pickedup certain lifestyle traits.
Like I wanna live in a reallygood suburb and I wanna have
(07:23):
a certain, um, type of living.
Sort of environment in terms oflike really modern and clean and
you know, you walk in and it's likemarble and it feels really lovely.
Like I'm not talking lavish, but I'mjust talking that simplistic, modern.
Yet I've made it when I walk in thedoor and look around at this, the
(07:47):
fixtures and the fittings and thefurnishings, like somehow in my life I've
attributed success to things like that.
And you know, when a certain.
Um, relationships.
You know, I want deep caring relationshipswith my friend and my family and
my husband and I have a beautifulrelationship with my husband, but I also
wanna make sure I am seen to be socialand have certain friendship groups
(08:10):
and feel fulfilled on those levels.
And.
I wanna do certain hobbies.
There's been lots of things that Ijust, along the way of moving in and
out of these different careers and thesedifferent experiences and decisions I've
made, that I've picked up all of these.
Well, I need these things 'cause otherwiseI'm unhappy and I've built a life around
these decisions and around these wants.
(08:32):
But what is really interesting is of late.
I've gotten everything that I reallyquote unquote wanted the definition
that I thought was going to make mehappy in terms of the house, in the nice
suburb or the, the apartment rather.
In the nice suburb with thebeautiful fixtures and fittings and
(08:53):
furniture, you know, the perfectmarriage with an amazing man.
So I can say, oh, you know, thisis my husband and I'm married.
And you know, the titlethat goes with that.
I've got the coaching business, whichis, you know, one of those titles
that a lot of people seek around.
Oh, you're a, you know,a coach or a mentor.
You run your own business,you're an entrepreneur.
(09:14):
You know, there's a certain level,even though it's hard work, prestige
and reputation that goes with that.
I work for myself.
I, I make my own hours.
I call in my own clients, you know,there's a lot of power and like
I said, reputation or energeticstatus that comes along with that.
So I kind of, all these things that I'dbeen dreaming of and working towards.
(09:37):
I woke up recently andI'm like, oh my goodness.
Like I, I followed that pathand I have those things.
Why is it then that there'sstill a part of me that.
It doesn't wanna be here, that doesn'twant to be in this apartment, that
doesn't want to necessarily show up onInstagram and do all the things that
(09:59):
we need to do for our coaching businessand serve the clients in the way that
we've set the framework up to, to do.
Um, you know, the way that my husbandand I have set up our lifestyle and
our hobbies and our routines and habitsand how we have dinner and all of the
things like, why am I all of a sudden.
Having chased and built and wanted,all of these things, why am I so
(10:26):
sad and empty and unfulfilled?
And I'm not saying that nothingin my life makes me happy.
You know, my husband and I recentlymoved into this new beautiful
apartment and in our old apartment Iwas dreaming of this new apartment.
And we've moved and we'vebeen here for four months now.
This last couple of weeks, I wouldsay the last two or three weeks
(10:47):
I've been waking up and I'm like.
Why is this not enough?
Like, why is the thing that Ithought was gonna bring me joy?
Not, you know, did I make a wrong choice?
Should we have stayed in the other place?
Like, you know, you start to questionall of our decisions and doubt
ourselves, but I realized at some pointI had followed a path that I had set
(11:08):
for myself based on what I thoughtthat I needed and that I wanted.
And I've woken up with the universeand all the effort that I've put in
that I, that I have the thing thatI've wanted, and all of a sudden I'm
like, oh, maybe that's not what Iwanted because I was sleepwalking on
(11:28):
autopilot into a life that I thoughtI needed, or I thought that I wanted.
And this all catalyzed becauserecently I went to an event, um,
there was an event by a mentor anda coach that I love here in my area
of Melbourne, and she was hosting anevent that was a collaboration event.
(11:51):
It was an event that broughtpowerful women together into a
space to meet, network, collaborate.
Learn more about collaboration, getinto the energy and the energetics of
what that is and how that works so thatpowerhouse women could come together
and build incredible things together.
Because as a solo entrepreneur, we don'tnecessarily always wanna work solo.
(12:14):
Sometimes if we find our right person.
We wanna create and buildmagical things together.
And I'd kind of gotten to a point in mycoaching business where I was like, I
think collaboration is the next level.
That is the next level of success anddoor opening and opportunity that I need.
And so when this event.
First popped up, I waslike, right, I'm there.
(12:37):
Bought my ticket.
And my mom's also in this beautiful spaceas well, so she, I, I mentioned it to
her and she's like, yes, I wanna go too.
It's gonna be amazing.
so we booked accommodation, we'dorganized all of our things.
We were gonna go away for a couple ofdays and go to this event and brainstorm.
It was gonna be magical.
(12:57):
And so I, for a month, I waslike, oh, this event, this
event's gonna be my next level.
This event's gonna havethe answers that I seek.
And so I had so much anticipationon this event, unlocking the next
level, both within me and for mein terms of collaboration and.
It got down there, we checked into ourlittle Airbnb, which was beautiful,
(13:20):
like, you know, modern and all of theaesthetic things that, you know, makes
you feel, particularly when you'reentrepreneur, that you've made it.
This is amazing.
and the next morning we get up and weget ready and, you know, quite excited.
We head off to this event.
The event itself was at a winery.
So again, it was at thebeautiful, um, location.
(13:43):
There was, it was beautiful reception uponarrival, and we settle into this space and
then the event starts, and the women whowere leading it were very high energy and,
and beautiful, high intentional women.
But what I realized, the longer thatI sat and watched this event and
watched these women in this space.
(14:05):
It's hard to describe, but there was apart of me that kind of got further and
further and further away as if I waslike watching it, um, from a bird's eye
view perspective and had nothing but thisfeeling of, oh my goodness, I thought that
I was one of these women and that theseare the kinds of events and spaces and
(14:30):
women that I wanted to be in host, um,you know, lead support, the whole thing.
I thought that this was the world thatI, not desperately, but this is the
world that I was elevating my coaching.
Two, because my coaching has been verydeep and very intimate, one-on-one, and I
(14:51):
thought, no, I'm gonna go big with eventsand stage and all of this kind of stuff.
And I was watching this group andthe women around me and just felt.
Like an outof body experience, and Iknow this was my higher self starting to
show to me and to crack open and releaseall of this armor, this shielding,
(15:14):
this structure of who I had become.
All of a sudden, my higher self andmyself and my inner knowing started
to release all of that outside.
It was like a crust that I'd been wearing,whatever was going on in this moment and.
Being divinely supported.
All of this stuff just melted.
(15:35):
It just cracked and melted away, andall of a sudden I was sitting there and
I was like, I don't want any of this.
This is not who I am.
This is not the world that I wanna be.
I don't.
Wanna lead these kinds of rooms.
like I had been following a path ofentrepreneurship, of marketing, of
(15:56):
branding, of becoming, of contorting,to be a coach that I thought was the
best version of me that I should be, andI'd found myself in this room, which I
had, you know, been so excited to getinto and to pay for only to realize.
(16:18):
I don't want any of this.
This is not for me, and this is absolutelyno comment on these incredible, powerful
women that we're reading are leading thisworkshop, and this is no comment on the
women in the space because I could seethem in their full, beautiful selves.
(16:38):
but I realized all of a suddenthat I'd been trying to emulate
and become a version of that,which for them is a beautiful fit.
But for me, I was like, oh myGod, what have I been doing?
This is nuts.
This is not the life that I wanna have.
(16:59):
This is like I'm somehowsleep walked my way.
Into wanting this orthinking that I need this.
And this is, comes back to thisconfusion around want or need.
Like I didn't want it and I alsorealizing I didn't need it and I'd
entangled both of the two things.
(17:20):
But what happened was I, it waslike a four hour event and by
the time the event ended, I.
There, there's something that sometimeshappens when we have this cracking
open that we start to, to make senseof it, we start to turn to either
blame or justify or explain it.
(17:41):
And the only thing I couldturn to was turn it inward,
like, what's wrong with me?
Like, why am I not enjoying this?
Why am I starting to feel likethere's something wrong with me?
There's something broken.
Why is this not the answer that I'vebeen seeking when all indications
on paper or logic or the, the waythat I've lived my life until this
(18:04):
point, you know, why is it not?
The solution, like why isit not working and fitting?
And I had these questionsswirling around and like, is
there something wrong with me?
Like I am.
I.
Broken.
Am I stuck in scarcity?
you know, all of these questions,pointing it inward as if there was
(18:26):
something drastically wrong with me,and that they were right, and that This
world of entrepreneurship was right andcorrect and gospel written in stone, and
there was something broken within me.
And so we left the event andgot back to the accommodation,
and I felt like an empty shell.
(18:47):
I walked into the accommodation and thetears started, the heaviness, started
the questioning, that feeling of like, Ithought I'd built this incredible solid
basis and all of a sudden it was likethat had just smashed into a million
pieces and I was just falling and floatingand not knowing where the solid ground
(19:11):
was anymore because this thing that Ithought was real and that I'd wanted and
that was going to carry me to my nextlevel of my life and a deeper connection
with myself had just been shattered.
All of a sudden I was seeingeverything and feeling everything,
and I just sunk into this really,it wasn't a darkness, but it was a
(19:37):
despair of, if not this, then what?
You know, I've always been.
I guess this is part ofsocietal conditioning, that my
logical mind is the safest bet.
Like if my logical mind can figure itout and I can see it, then I can plan it.
Then I can be sure that it'sgonna happen and I'm safe.
(19:59):
And so with this space, with being inthis, all of a sudden this liminal voids
space of, well, if not that, then what?
My mind was absolutely reeling, andthis is the thing, um, I do know
quite a lot about human design andparticularly about my own human design.
I'm a six two
I have pretty much everythingin my centers undefined and open
(20:22):
except for my spleen and my sacral.
And so the only two things that I knowfor sure to rely on is my connection
to my intuition and to source and mydeep knowing, my body's ability to
know what is right or what is wrong.
I have an open hit.
I have an open, um, top of mind.
(20:43):
I have all of my other centers.
Open.
So that means that I can feel, see,sense, no take in map, match all of
the other energies that are around me.
But in terms of who I amnow and where I'm going.
that is the job of mysacral and my spleen.
But because I have operated and beenconditioned to for such a long time
(21:05):
to be academic, to be logical, tobe sure by plans and stats, and feel
safe by making decisions in that way.
This smashing of this grounded platformthat I had been working on building and
increasing and heightening with thatgone, everything just felt like it was
(21:29):
reeling, like, if not this, then what.
And so I just ended up into this place of,I can only really describe it as despair.
This despair of sadness of not thisthen what, if not this, then who am I?
And and we were due to check outthe next morning after this event.
(21:50):
My mom and I spent the restof that day just kind of like
feeling through all of the stuff.
I don't know whether to burn everythingto the ground, whether to start pivoting,
to, to do something different, likeeverything just became liminal and
vast and unsure, but at the same time.
(22:12):
At the same time, even though therewas so much despair and so much
questioning there, there was alsothis feeling of yes, blank slate.
My logical mind was finding it.
' cause it was like, if I have a blankslate, what do I write on the sleep?
Like, tell me what to write on the slate.
I need to know, I need to beable to write something or draw
something or, or, or just know.
And so I had to really workwith that and be like, no,
(22:34):
blank slate means opportunity.
It means possibility.
It means discovery.
Not only of what this is, but who I am.
The life that I truly wanna lead.
And we were meant to check outta theaccommodation the next morning, but I was
in such a space of sadness and questioningthat I said to my mom, like, I can't go
(22:57):
back to my home right now because I just,I don't know where I am and who I am.
And so we quickly got on as women too.
We got onto Airbnb andwe found another place.
'cause the place that we justchecked out of wasn't available.
I would've just gone backthere, but that's okay.
We found another Airbnb and I just lookedat my mom, I'm like, is this crazy?
(23:19):
Like should I just.
Just suck it up and go back homeand, and like just figure it out.
Like it's crazy to pay for anothertwo nights of accommodation,
you know, is this worth it?
And we looked at each other andwe're like, let's just do it.
She wasn't ready to go home too, becauseshe was in this beautiful energy of all
this expansiveness that had happened.
She's like, I need some more timeto really marinate in this and
(23:40):
figure out what I wanna do too.
So.
We found another Airbnb and we booked itand we checked in for another two nights.
And those two nights were so tough interms of not knowing the solid ground
that I wanted to have underneath me.
It wasn't that I.
Couldn't or didn't have solid ground,but all of a sudden it was like,
(24:02):
what ground do I want underneath me?
Where do I wanna take this?
What do I wanna do?
And so I spent those two daysjust really allowing myself to
feel this, We sat by the water,
a lot and looked at the ocean andhow beautiful that is, and we went
(24:24):
on a gondola ride up and down themountain to see as far as we could
see, and we meditated and journaledand just spent time in this space of
allowing this emotion to move through.
And it was the best thing.
Honestly, because in that space I allowedmyself to really realize, oh my goodness,
(24:47):
I have gone through my life just shavingoff pieces of me and parts of me that I.
have enabled me to fitinto spaces and boxes.
Like I just shaved a little bit offhere and shaved a little bit off
there to come become a certain kindof coach or a certain kind of wife, or
(25:07):
to fit into the suburb that I live in.
It's like, oh, justtrim this and trim that.
But that trimming at the time,I'm gonna reflect back onto it.
It wasn't forced trimming.
It was willing trimming.
Like I had willingly been like,no, there's the thing I'm gonna do.
This is what I want.
I'm just gonna nip and tuck and,and contort and I, and willingly
done so to the point where I'dconvinced myself that's what I
(25:29):
wanted and that was comfortable.
And all of a sudden I'm in thisplace that I'm like, I can't breathe.
What, where have I shavedoff parts of myself?
Where have I become so deeplysad, but optimistically convinced
that I have a good life.
And that, that I was doing goodin the world and that I was in
(25:50):
service and that was enough.
And like I absolutely love my work interms of helping the world and helping
women, but I had somehow found myselfdoing it in a way that was conforming
and I'd woken up living a life anda routine in a house in a way that I
was like, I didn't like any of this.
(26:12):
I wouldn't say hate.
I don't hate anything.
I just am like, it's just not enough.
It's not enough because it's not aligned.
And that's where I've realizedthat I had confused the
difference between want and need.
I'd blurred the lines and I'd madewhat I'd need and what I thought
I needed to be the wants andto be the things that I chased.
(26:36):
But what I've realized is that what Iactually need, there's only a few things.
One is for me and everybody willbe slightly different, but my
absolute needs are clean food.
Like I have a lot of sensitivitiesjust based on my energetics.
I have a lot of sensitivities around food.
So I just need clean, healthy food.
(26:57):
I need clean water.
I need shelter and warmth.
'cause I don't, I struggle whenI'm really cold and I have the body
type that feels the cold bitterly.
So just shelter and warmth andsunlight, like food, water,
shelter, warmth, sunlight.
(27:17):
You know, in those thingsbeing safe, just finding safety
and security in those things.
They are the only things that I needthat I absolutely need, and everything
else around that is up for grabs, andit's up for grabs in the way that I
can define what it is that I want.
(27:38):
When I think about the thingsthat light me up, I want to be
able to see out and see a view.
If I can't see the sky and I can'tsee nature, I feel super enclosed.
And that's the problem that I'mhaving in this beautiful apartment.
Like the internal furnishings andfixtures of this apartment is gorgeous.
You know, it's in a prestigiousbuilding in a well sought
(27:59):
after quiet upper class area.
But the outlook isn't fabulousbecause we look out onto the complex
of other apartments, and so there'sthis caged kind of feeling that comes
in, even although there's a marblebenchtop, you know what I mean?
Like I need to be able to see outI'm like so at peace when I can
(28:19):
see, and it was the same when I wassitting by the sea or on the gondola.
As long as I can see out and I'm in aplace that is just peaceful, I'm happy.
So it's like, right.
That is a want.
That is an absolute want tinteetering on the edge of need, but
it's something that I want that I.
(28:40):
Want to have in my life.
I wanna build my life around.
The other thing is because of myenergetics, my mediumship, my channeling,
my psychic abilities, one of the thingsthat I love is having time to just listen,
to be in the silence, to just have.
(29:03):
To just have nothing but the naturesounds around me so that I can
just hear and listen and channeland interpret and bring through.
That gives me such a deep sense of peace.
So that is another want, that is athing that I wanna build my life around.
And the other thing that bringsme so much joy, is travel.
(29:25):
it's exploring, it's not knowing.
And then slowly meandering and uncovering.
And, financially that oftenleads to increased expenditure.
to be able to do that, there'spart of my mind that always goes,
ah, I probably should save that.
You know, I should save that and investthat in the business, so I should save
(29:46):
that and, and do this other thing.
And so a couple of years ago, I did a fewmassive trips overseas and they brought
me so much joy and I didn't realize justhow little value I had placed on that I'd.
I'd put them in the bucket of theniceties, a luxury, you know, I
(30:07):
tried to put my business around.
I'm just gonna be a digital mo nomad andrun my business everywhere in the world.
But that didn't necessarily fit atthe time because again, I was copying
other digital nomads and thoughtthat that would be the thing to do.
But this time recently, I really feltthe times that I'm the most happiest
(30:28):
is when my husband and I are going ona little trip to explore a new place.
We'll jump on the train and travelfor hours in a direction to end up
in a curious little town that wethen explore and have lunch and come
back, or I'm road tripping, or I amheading out somewhere to meet someone.
And I realized that this.
(30:50):
This feeling of being on the move of beingand heading towards these destinations
that are beautiful, that are expansive,that are nature driven, the hiking, the
walking, camping, all of those things.
They are things that I want.
They're not things that I wanna keep inthe luxury or when I have time bucket.
(31:15):
They're not things that we just do onthe weekend when we're not working.
They are a lifestylechoice that I wanna have.
And so there was another thingthat I'm realizing I'd slice
that off and categorize that in acertain way that I couldn't do it.
But they are things that Idesperately want in my life.
(31:38):
And so I got home from this event andhad to have a really big conversation
with my husband to admit that I wasso unhappy that I had sleepwalked
into a life that I thought I wanted.
(31:58):
I'd sleep, walked into living in acertain way that wasn't perhaps me.
I'd woken up one day and realizedI'd contorted myself so much.
But it's why things that I try don't work.
It's why I am always wanting toleave the apartment, not because the
apartment's bad or the suburb is bad.
It's because I'm just, I'm not free.
(32:20):
I'm not myself.
And so having that conversationwas obviously difficult because.
My husband automatically wasworried that it was because of us.
And of course, he andI are not the problem.
He is beautiful and I love himwith all of my heart and my
soul, and he makes me happy.
He makes me laugh.
But the lifestyle that we had chosento build for ourselves had lent a
(32:45):
little bit more based on expectationand should and a little bit more on his
sort of lifestyle as well, which he is.
Loves to be grounded and cozyand comfortable and stable.
And I respect that.
I absolutely respect that.
But I had kind of just sleepwalkinto making that, or trying to
make that mine, and it wasn't.
(33:07):
So we had to have this big conversationand I shared with him deeply that,
honey, I am just, I'm not happy.
I, I don't know what the change is yet,but I'm gonna have to make a change.
I'm gonna have to make adrastic change for me to become.
This beautiful sense of who it is that Iwant to be this real for the very first
(33:30):
time in my life, this authentic, real,stripped back version of who I am, and I
don't know who that is, but I know that,that I'm not her or I haven't been her,
and I'm now wanting to become her sodesperately, so intimately, and him being
such an incredible human, he acceptedit and he's like, whatever you need.
If you wanna, you know, dosomething else, let's do it.
(33:52):
Like divorce isn't gonna solveanything for us because our
marriage isn't the problem.
But having someone so willing to seeand understand how you're feeling
is so incredible that I, I remaingrateful for that and for him.
But it sent me on this trajectory thenfor the next week of, well, who am I?
(34:14):
And some things started to open withinme that are never really opened to
the depths that they have beforebecause all of a sudden they have
space things like writing, like Iam writing on threads and substack.
Vivaciously, which I've always beena very good writer in terms of, I've
held lots of different jobs thathave required writing, and my writing
(34:38):
has been good, but not like this.
Not from a deeply channeled open tap way.
And so I'm realizing, like I said tohim, like writing, like I need to write.
I need to figure out a wayto just write and express.
And I don't know what that will leadto, but I need to open that door.
And the other one is photography.
(35:00):
Again, I've never wanted toreally learn and pick up a camera.
But this need all of a sudden camethrough me to be able to start capturing
what I see and how I feel alongsidemy writing in the photographic form.
And so all of these new channels,because I allowed myself to go back to
(35:21):
the liminal space and strip back all ofthe, the things that I thought I wanted
to be like, what is it that I want?
And then listen and just listenand allow those little trickles
to come in and follow them.
I'm starting to feel like I'mseeing the version of, of who I
am that I really want to be, thatis authentic, that is real to me.
(35:44):
And so I've contacted an amazingphotographer to ask for mentorship.
I'm looking at changing the waythat I completely live so that I can
wake up in the morning and have thesunlight on my skin to be able to
write and express and be curious and,
take who I am and what I do on theroad and allow whatever opportunities
(36:06):
that will bring to come through me.
I'm opening the doors to that.
I'm continually exploring withmy husband and with my myself.
This is what I want and notbeing too afraid to say it.
This is the most significant thingthat I'm discovering through this
process is that it is scary togo to your loved ones and say,
(36:29):
I dunno who I am.
I'm deeply unhappy.
Here are some of the things that arelighting me up and I wanna go and do that.
is such a big conversation to have.
It takes a lot of bravery and alot of courage, but it was the most
powerful thing that I could have done.
And of course, at first hewas like, oh no, are we okay?
Are we okay?
And I'm like, this is not about us.
(36:49):
You and I are solid.
And I'm like, if you wanna come,come, but this is what I need to do.
I can't stay here.
I can't keep slicing off partsof myself to fit into this
life because I'm just so sad.
I need to do this for me, but I'mnot trying to burn everything to
the ground and if, if a life on theroad is not for you, that's okay.
(37:11):
You can stay and we'llfigure it out no matter what.
We'll figure it out because whatever ismeant to be will be having those kinds
of conversations are so difficult and inthe past I would've agonized over that.
The what ifs, how will he feel?
What will he say, what will others say?
Whereas now with this beautiful frequencyof bravery, of courage, all of the healing
(37:34):
and all the work that I've done havingthose conversations they're just what is.
And I'm not saying I wasn't scared.
I'm not saying that thereweren't moments where I was like,
uhoh, what's gonna happen here?
But there was so much frequencybehind me that I was matched to
that allowed me to just say, andof course I broke down in tears.
(37:55):
There were tears and things.
But there is just this beautifulopportunity now to really start to uncover
and step into and figure out along theway and adjust, where my income comes
from and, and where I am and who I'mwith because it is so important to me to
(38:15):
really uncover who it is that I wanna be.
And what if I really, truly ama bold, brave woman project.
I need to be true tobeing a bold, brave woman.
And so if there is anything in yourlife that you are realizing that you've
sleepwalked into or you have confusedwant and need or isn't fitting, just
(38:41):
spend some time really feeling into that.
Where have I confused want and need?
Where does my soul wanna take me?
And what brave conversations am I willingto start having so that I can even
just start the process of excavation?
Because that's where it all beganto me going to this event, having
(39:02):
all of these questions directedinward, and then starting to uncover
it and being ready to answer them.
This is gonna be an unfoldingjourney, like I am right at the
beginning now of starting to unpackand really figure out what this is
gonna look like in the next chapters.
I'm gonna be sharing it as I go so thatwe can explore and uncover and experience
(39:27):
this together because in this world, Itruly believe that there are times that
are beautiful and powerfully spent in solomoments of excavation, of questioning, of
wondering, but also incredible moments ofsharing and community and collaboration.
(39:48):
So, at any time you wanna reachout or connect or share your own
experiences, please feel free to do so.
I'm gonna be thinking and deeplypondering over the next week.
I'll be back with more episodes onupdates of this, but also other little
thoughts and things that pop in alongthe way, and I cannot wait to see what
(40:09):
unfolds for both of us, for all of us.
For everyone who's here on this planetwith us on this journey because we are
all bold, brave women, and I cannot waitto see what we create on the other side.
Have a beautiful day, andI'll speak to you soon.
Andrea Matthies (40:27):
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
If you wanna check out all of thebehind the scenes content for this
podcast, make sure you subscribe to mySubstack channel, the Becoming Archive.
You will also be able to find me onThreads and Instagram at andi.matthies.
Make sure you're connected andstay up to date with what's coming.
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