April 3, 2024 • 43 mins
Grieving the Unexpected: A Sister's Loss and Big Changes after Surviving Sibling Loss Unexpectedly
In this episode, Dr. Angela Dean speaks with Heather Mercer about the sudden loss of her sister, Melissa, to a heart attack shortly after giving birth. Heather shares her journey of navigating profound grief, complex custody battles, and the ripple effects of unexpected loss. They explore how Melissa's passing left a void, affecting family dynamics and resulting in additional secondary and ambiguous loss. Heather's story highlights the unique challenges of sibling loss and the importance of finding support and ways to honor her sister's memory amidst life's ongoing changes.
Related Links:
Camp Ho Mita Koda, diabetes camp located in Newbury Ohio- https://camphomitakoda.org/
If you would like more information or to share your own adult sibling loss story, please contact me, Dr. Angela Dean, at contact@thebrokenpack.com or go to our website, thebrokenpack.com.
Please like, subscribe, and share!
Please follow us on social media:
Facebook: @BrokenPack
Instagram: @thebrokenpack
TikTok: @the_broken_pack
YouTube: @thebrokenpack
Sign-up for Wild Grief™, our newsletter: https://thebrokenpack.com/newsletter
Thank you!
Angela M. Dean, PsyD, FT
Credits:
The Broken Pack™ Podcast is produced by 27 Elephants Media
"If Tomorrow Starts Without Me" © ℗ 2023, 2024
Written by Joe Mylward and Brian Dean
Performed by Fuji Sounds (feat. MYLWD.)
Licensed for use by The Broken Pack™
Now available on all streaming platforms including Apple Music & Spotify: https://tinyurl.com/3vx3kk46
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Dean (00:12):
Hello and welcome to The Broken Pack™, a podcast
focused on giving adultsurvivors of sibling loss, a
platform to share their storiesand to be heard.
Something that many sibling losssurvivors state that they never
have had.
Sibling Loss Is Misunderstood™.
The Broken Pack™exists to changethat and to support survivors.
(00:32):
I'm your host, Dr.
Angela Dean.
In today's episode, you'll hearHeather's devastating story of
losing her sister, Melissa,following complications after
her pregnancy.
You'll also hear how familydynamics have changed and some
secondary losses and ambiguouslosses that she discussed.
Take a listen.
(01:02):
All right.
welcome Heather.
I was wondering how you wantedto introduce yourself to our
listeners?
Heather Mercer (01:08):
Ahh yes Heather Mercer and, my husband and I
just celebrated our 21stanniversary, last week.
And we have four boys, threethat are biological.
And, I also have my sister'soldest son.
and a kinship arrangement.
I homeschool all the boys.
I've homeschooled my childrensince my oldest was in
(01:31):
kindergarten.
He's now 14.
And so I guess I should say thekids are ages ranges between 6
and 14.
and then my sister had moved inwith us, in 2021 and I started
homeschooling her son, shortlybefore she passed away.
I have a degree in psychology,but I ended up working in
financial services, in the past.
(01:53):
brokerage area.
It was a complete, deviationfrom what my degree was.
and I describe my family as afamily of tinkerers.
We're always working onsomething or messing with
something.
I do a lot of, colored pencilart and jewelry making.
And, my husband and I wereworking on restoring an
(02:14):
Airstream, a vintage Airstream.
We started that back in 2016.
before we had our youngest, andwe had planned to travel on it
for a while, and find a plot ofland to do some homesteading,
which we do a little bit here.
We've got it just under twoacres, so I do a little bit of
(02:34):
homesteading, no animals though,much to my children's
disappointment.
We don't have chickens.
Dr. Dean (02:41):
Yeah.
Are you in a rural area?
It sounds like.
Heather Mercer (02:45):
we're actually in a village, but, we're like on
the edge of the township.
And then, as soon as you hit thetownship, there's farmland.
And so the, at the end of theschool year, they have a tractor
parade for the high school thatgoes right past
Dr. Dean (02:58):
wow.
Okay.
thank you for sharing all that.
I'm just curious, like whatstate are you?
Heather Mercer (03:04):
We're in Ohio, so we're in Northeast Ohio and,
but we thought we were done withthe snow and today we look like
a little snow globe.
Dr. Dean (03:10):
Yeah, we did too.
Thank you for all of that.
Before we talk about losingMelissa, what would you like our
listeners to know about her?
Heather Mercer (03:20):
okay.
she was a single mom of twoboys.
their ages were 10 and she had anewborn, at the time of her
passing in 2021.
the newborn was premature by 13weeks, he was four months out
from his birthday, but, he waspremature by 13 weeks, he should
have.
Only just been born.
(03:41):
she was a nurse, in a nursinghome and it was a dream of hers.
I just remember her being infirst grade, you had to write
out what you wanted and,
Dr. Dean (03:50):
Mm hmm.
Heather Mercer (03:51):
wanted to be when you grew up and she wrote
out that she wanted to be anurse.
And then when she got into highschool, she actually trained to
become an automechanic and didthat for a few years until she
had her oldest son.
Dr. Dean (04:03):
You said auto mechanic?
Heather Mercer (04:05):
auto mechanic, yep.
she was trained to work on carsand did that for a little while.
she loved animals, especiallycats.
We had a cat, Patches, growingup that she was particularly,
attached to.
she was a drummer in high schooland, At her funeral, a lot of
friends from high school cameand talked about her and that
she was the only one that wasable to teach them how to do the
(04:26):
cadence, which is like a specialsong that introduces the
marching band.
When you hear the cadence, themarching band's coming out onto
the field.
and lastly, she was a type onediabetic.
She was diagnosed at eight yearsold.
so that was back in 93.
And, expectations of lifeexpectancy for a type 1 diabetic
(04:47):
at that time, the expectationsfor quality of life is a lot
different than it is now.
Dr. Dean (04:53):
Hmm.
Heather Mercer (04:54):
and that we'll get into later on.
so because she was type 1diabetic, she was afraid to live
alone and she lived with myparents.
like I said, she was a singlemom.
I'm going to sound like theReba.
She was a single mom.
She worked two jobs.
She also went to college, causeshe.
Was an LPN and she was going tobecome an RN.
(05:14):
and after 2020, she, had said,I'm 35 years old.
I still live at home with myparents.
I want to go out on my own andI, I want to become an adult.
And so in 2021, she was pregnantwith her youngest.
she started looking for a placeand it was really hard to find
apartment.
(05:34):
and We have in our home and inlaw suite and they moved in, her
and her boyfriend and her oldestand his son, and then expecting
that the baby would move in,soon, they moved into the in law
suite, so at least she had someindependence, but, wasn't
completely alone and she wasn'talone, with her boyfriend there
either, but, with someone thatreally understood her struggle
(05:56):
with diabetes.
Dr. Dean (05:57):
Yeah.
Were you older or younger?
Heather Mercer (06:00):
I'm older by four years.
Dr. Dean (06:02):
Okay, So, you had an understanding of what her
medical needs were and as achild, were you involved with
her care, making sure,
Heather Mercer (06:13):
Yes.
so I was 12 when she wasdiagnosed.
And, I remember late highschool, college.
You had to call in your, herblood sugar numbers to the nurse
practitioner.
And so I was, on the phone withthe nurse practitioner, giving
her what Melissa's blood sugarnumbers were, and then they make
adjustments to, her medication.
She, attended a camp out here inNortheast Ohio, Camp Home,
(06:35):
Minnesota, which, has a veryspecial place for both of us.
so right after she wasdiagnosed, they found, a
campership for her to be able toattend right away.
and it's great for kids toattend there to learn, how to
manage their diabetes and how todo the finger pricks and see
that there's other kids that,have type one diabetes as well.
She attended there and loved it.
(06:56):
And it's just this reallyspecial place.
And then when I was in highschool, I Had gone out with her
to drop her off and wasapproached by the Camp director
and he said hey, we had akitchen staff member quit and
you're 15 We're curious.
Would you like to come in?
You And so I worked there forthe next three summers.
(07:16):
And, it, like I said, it wasjust a really special place for
both of us.
So a place that, you know, evennow as an adult, like I gone
back and supported them and,they had
Dr. Dean (07:27):
Mm hmm.
Heather Mercer (07:28):
a, inspector come in and so I came out and I
mopped floors and I, cleantoilets and, did all those
things and,
Dr. Dean (07:34):
Yeah.
If you send me the link to that,I'll put it in the show notes.
Heather Mercer (07:38):
okay.
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (07:39):
Listeners can support that or find out more What was
your relationship like with her?
Heather Mercer (07:44):
so I'll take it back a little bit.
my parents were married for 13years before they had kids.
So they were in their mid 30sand in the 80s to be in your mid
30s and had kids.
that was just really unusual.
my dad was a Vietnam vet, sothat contributed to it.
And then my mom ended up,struggling with infertility and
had a couple miscarriages.
(08:06):
And so I was born when she was35 and then, I remember being,
three, four years old andpraying with my mom for a little
brother or sister.
And, Melissa was born when I wasfour and I was really proud of
her and really excited and thatlittle mama, thing.
One of the pictures I sent youwhere I was taking a nap with
(08:27):
her, that was, prettyconsistent.
and then when we got into schoolage, especially when she got
into school age, I don't have awhole lot of memories other
than, us dressing up for Easteror Christmas and going to meet
uncles, big thing.
But it was really like once shewas in high school that, I have
more memories and especially,high school through adulthood.
(08:50):
When we were in high school, mymom, got a job outside the home
for the first time, years, and Iwas a college student and,
because she was type onediabetic, and my mom was working
as she worked in a factory.
So it was like, she could justtake a phone call.
So that laid in my lap to, carrya cell phone around with me.
(09:10):
Melissa tried skipping schooland I got a call on the cell
phone.
And of course this is, likeearly two thousands and.
Cell phones weren't verypopular.
And I just remember my teacherbeing really upset that I took
this call and got up and walkedout of class, and I had to come
back and explain to her, I'mreally sorry, I've got a younger
sister that I'm responsible for.
And, I can't skip this call.
(09:30):
So, yeah, a protector, anoverseer, a little mama thing.
I much, I respected that shewas, Her own person and that I
wasn't her mother, but, I wasdefinitely always looking out
for her.
Dr. Dean (09:44):
Yeah, it sounds like that carried through with her
living with you as well.
Heather Mercer (09:49):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (09:51):
How did your relationship change after you
were adults?
Heather Mercer (09:55):
not a whole lot.
I remember when she told me thatshe was pregnant with her
oldest, I was really upsetbecause, again, like I said, it,
okay.
The expectation, we were toldalways growing up, we'd be lucky
if she saw it to be a teenager,we'd be lucky if she saw herself
to adulthood, we'd be,absolutely amazed if she had a
baby, and so when she told methat she had a baby, the movie
(10:18):
Fried Green Tomatoes where JuliaRoberts character passes away,
that was running through my headand I was really upset and
really, concerned for her, butshe carried him full term and,
Mostly everything was alright,and, once she had her oldest, we
did a lot of life togetherbecause I had my 14 year old, so
(10:38):
him and her son are two yearsapart.
they were interested in eachother, and, so we would do zoo
trips and, get together, and goto the Lego store and then go
see Santa at Christmas and,Because she lived with my
parents, it was just alwaysgoing to visit grandma and
grandpa or they would come toour house for the holidays.
And so we did a lot of lifetogether, even though we live an
(10:59):
hour and a half apart.
And when she moved in with us,our expectation was that we were
going to do a lot more lifetogether.
Dr. Dean (11:07):
How long before she died did she move in with you?
Heather Mercer (11:10):
She moved in August 1, and she passed away
September 25.
Dr. Dean (11:15):
Oh, so not, so you weren't able to do life
together.
Heather Mercer (11:20):
and most of that time, she had just returned to
work, which I thought was reallyunfair.
She had a C section, she had ababy in the NICU, and she went
back to work at the eight weekmark, I think, and had to fight
with the system for, extendedleave, and That was one of the
phone calls that I handled aftershe passed away was talking to
(11:42):
them because they, kept callingand leaving messages.
a lot of that time that she washere, even in those two months,
she was working, a full time joband, attending to a newborn in
the NICU.
Dr. Dean (11:55):
Right.
Heather Mercer (11:56):
I will say here, that the father did not, wanna
put in the effort of learninghow to do some of the medical
things.
And so it created some issues.
Dr. Dean (12:10):
For the, your nephew or for her
Heather Mercer (12:13):
it created some issues with the nicu.
they did not like that, and werehesitant to send the baby home.
Dr. Dean (12:21):
That sounds challenging for everyone
involved.
Heather Mercer (12:25):
Yeah, so she passed away when he was four
months old.
they were just starting to talkabout sending him home and, she
passed away.
And like I said, we had, had tocut off contact, for safety
reasons with his father.
And, I heard through thegrapevine that the baby didn't
come home until January, whichwould be January.
(12:47):
nine months, maybe my math'swrong, seven months.
and I don't know a whole lot ofpeople that have babies that are
in NICU, but I know a coupleand, extended stays are typical,
especially if they see theslightest thing, but, the
situation was especiallyextraordinary.
Dr. Dean (13:06):
yeah.
Thank you for sharing that.
Sounds like it was a roughperiod for multiple reasons,
obviously.
What are you comfortable sharingabout losing Melissa?
Heather Mercer (13:19):
it was weird because, we, like I said, we
were prepped throughout herentire life that, she was a
walking miracle.
so I'll back up again when shewas a baby, she was 15 months
old and she was diagnosed withmeningitis, and spent some time
in the hospital.
And that's one of like myearliest memories is that.
I was four and I went to staywith my grandparents and then
(13:41):
with my aunt and uncle, my dadhad a job that he traveled a
couple of states away, prettymuch weekly and well, and so my
mom was with my sister at thehospital and, then she developed
asthma and it was severe andthen diabetes on top of that.
And especially around theholidays, the excitement of
(14:02):
Christmas seemed to kick off theexcitement of Christmas.
she always complained about thecinnamon pine cones at the
grocery store.
The cinnamon, the smell of thecinnamon pine cones, bringing
the Christmas tree down, withall the dust and stuff,
triggered an asthma attack inher.
And then the asthma attack wouldtrigger, the medicines would
make her blood sugars run allover the place and then she'd
end up at Christmas in theChildren's hospital.
(14:23):
I
Dr. Dean (14:24):
more than one
Heather Mercer (14:25):
every year.
Yeah, almost every year.
we were prepped in a way, likeyou never expect a 36-year-old
to just suddenly die, but wewere prepped in a way.
and then in 2018, so shewould've been 33, she had a
heart attack.
she had been very sick and she.
was trying to finish her finalsand she actually went camping
(14:48):
with us while she was sick and,came home from that and went to
the hospital and they were like,you have pneumonia.
And while she was at thehospital, she had a heart
attack.
Dr. Dean (14:57):
Oh,
Heather Mercer (14:58):
so that led to, her having some discussions with
me about, her oldest son and, ifanything ever happened to her,
it's her desire that, he go intoour care.
And his father is living.
but do not assume that justbecause a parent was living,
that they're a healthyindividual or capable of caring
for a child.
especially, to have a parent saythat this is my express desire
(15:21):
as the legal guardian, she wasthe only one that had the legal,
whatever, established.
After
Dr. Dean (15:28):
like she had decision making custody solely.
Yeah.
Okay.
Heather Mercer (15:33):
yeah, they never went to an official capacity
with that, but in the state ofOhio, she, because she was
single, she was solely thedecision maker, unless father
filed for something, that neverhappened until she passed away.
she had that discussion with me.
you always knew it was on thehorizon.
You didn't expect it to happenwhen she was 36.
(15:53):
we had the discussion, myparents again are aging, they're
middle to late 70s.
And, because she was a nurse,she talked about that she would
take a caregiving role for them.
And, I would support her inhowever way, I could.
that was, a really, scary thingthat, she's no longer there.
(16:13):
And, I just lost my mom, in Mayand
Dr. Dean (16:17):
sorry.
Heather Mercer (16:19):
that was, that was one of those situations
where, I wish I would have hadthe medical knowledge that was
the day.
and been able to ask questionsabout things, because it was a
really intense six weeks goingfrom my mom thinking she was
having a gallbladder attack tojust stage four pancreatic
(16:39):
cancer.
And, she was delusional in theend.
it was hard to watch to doalone.
Yeah, but the actual losingMelissa, like you said, I felt
prepped for it.
It was obviously, devastating atfirst.
now two years out, it's, thereare so many things that she left
(16:59):
behind that need to be tended tothat are a big mess, and very
stressful and the custody,situation with her oldest is
definitely number one.
and that was two years of courtstuff, and very intense.
And, now I have her son who'sgoing to be a preteen and, is
(17:20):
dealing with some, trauma stuffhimself, and rightly so for
losing his mother.
and.
Probate because she was an automechanic.
She had tons of vehicles in hername and because she has two
children and she was nevermarried, everything goes with
the kids.
And even though we're doingprobate, we can't make a whole
(17:40):
lot of decisions, without thecourt direction.
my dad kept talking about whenhis dad died, it was just so
easy.
He just went down to thecourthouse and he did this and
he filled out this form.
Now, we're two years in withprobate and, it's just really
slow going and reallyfrustrating.
yeah,
Dr. Dean (17:57):
It sounds like with her children being minors too.
It's not just they can go downto the courthouse because
they're minors.
Heather Mercer (18:04):
she had a lot of stuff and she held on to a lot
of stuff and Kind of pockets oftime throughout the house, and
my parents looked back and said,you know How did we end up with
all this stuff in the house?
you don't realize it until theperson's gone, but We were
filling our cars by the carloadAnd, making donations to women's
centers and, donating stuffedanimals to the sheriff for,
(18:27):
children.
And I'm not sure if it was forchildren that were in CPS or
child protective services, andthere's still just a lot more, I
think a lot about, they talkabout when you passed away,
somebody's eventually going tohave to go through your
underwear drawer and, throughthings and, how much do you want
to really leave for them to haveto go through?
And, I was more on theminimalist side even before she
(18:48):
passed away.
And, more so since she passedaway.
just simplify as much as I can.
Dr. Dean (18:56):
Yeah.
Do you want to share how shedied?
Heather Mercer (19:00):
So the day she died, it was September.
End of the season for ourgarden.
And I was out working on that.
And, pulling stuff up and, Iremember sitting down and her
boyfriend, came flying aroundthe house and screaming and he
said, I think she's dead.
And, we were like, who?
(19:22):
And he was like, Melissa, Ithink she's dead.
he was like, I already called,the emergency team.
And so my husband went down, tojust, confirm and he came back
and he was like, yeah, I thinkso.
I just remember it was like thelongest wait of my life, waiting
for the EMS team to go in andassess and actually officially
tell me, that she had passedaway.
(19:42):
And that it was just some,misunderstanding that maybe she
was, in a coma or, something,her blood sugar was low or
whatever.
I remember watching theparamedic come out and go into
the truck.
And I walked over to her and Iwas like, please, she's my
sister.
And she's I just needed my job.
And understand that, but she'smy sister.
I'm not just nobody, please justtell me.
(20:04):
And, of course she just verypatiently told me that, I need
to go sit down, which sucked.
but.
And then they came over and theytalked to me and, they asked
about her medical history andjust confirmed that she had
passed away.
that point it was really hard totell.
they could make somesuggestions, but of course there
needed to be an autopsy if youreally wanted to know.
(20:26):
and at this point after theyconfirmed, I was trying to call
my parents, and.
I called my parents house anumber of times, and they hadn't
answered my nephew actually wasat their house, for the weekend
and, he said he, he saw mynumber come up and my dad was
(20:46):
just like, we'll deal with itlater.
They were in the middle of doingsomething.
And, so finally my mom had acell phone.
My dad doesn't, but my mom had acell phone.
I kept trying to call her onthat.
I couldn't get ahold of her.
So I knew she was supposed to bewith her church group and I
ended up calling her pastor.
And I was like, Hey, Melissadied.
I couldn't even
Dr. Dean (21:03):
Couldn't soften that.
Heather Mercer (21:04):
Yeah, couldn't soften it.
I was like, I'm trying to getahold of my parents.
She's my mom's supposed to bethere with you guys.
I just, I can't get ahold ofher.
And.
She's she didn't come today.
I'll send one of the membersover to your parents house.
And so she sent one of themembers over and he met my dad
at the door and, informed himthat my sister had passed away.
And then my dad called me and hewas like, what is he telling me?
(21:28):
And I was like, she passed away.
and, they found her.
in the bathroom.
We found her in the bathroom.
We thought she'd gotten up to goto take a shower and actually,
the boyfriend's little threeyear old found her.
and then, because she was in myhouse, I'm dealing with the
county, the examining, what isit, the medical examiner or the,
Dr. Dean (21:48):
examiner, yeah.
Heather Mercer (21:49):
yeah, dealing with them.
They want to know where to sendthe, send her, who to call and,
so at this point I made contactwith my mom and I, because I had
no idea even, who was out thereby them.
so called them, waited a longtime because they, had to drive
an hour and a half to come out.
(22:10):
and then after that, I justremember trembling.
Like I couldn't stop shaking.
definitely like in shock and Ihave my three sons and then her
boyfriend's, three year oldthere and, they need to be fed
and they need, to be cared forand there's phone calls to make.
I ended up calling the NICU andtelling them that, she had
(22:33):
passed away because like yousaid, there were some issues,
with, baby had a special tubefor eating that they needed to
be trained in and the boyfriendwas hesitant so he just wasn't
comfortable in doing it or atleast that's what he said.
He wasn't comfortable inlearning how to do that and so
he was just hoping that the babywould age out of it, before he
left the NICU so they, they wereon watch with the NICU, and so I
(22:56):
just wanted them to know that,if Melissa didn't show up, this
is why.
not because she's beingnegligent, but because, you
know, she,
Dr. Dean (23:04):
She can't.
Heather Mercer (23:05):
she can't,
Dr. Dean (23:06):
Mm
Heather Mercer (23:08):
and that, that was the other thing, she wasn't
being negligent before shepassed away.
she worked and, worked full timeand, that's hard.
I can't imagine how hard thatis.
so after discussing with themedical examiner, her history
and discussing with my parentsabout, do we do an autopsy or
not?
(23:29):
it was just determined thatbecause she had a previous,
heart attack and because shehad, type one diabetes, which,
just added, stacked on top ofthat.
The reason she had the baby inthe NICU, she had him 13 weeks
early, was that she had,preeclampsia, and after she had
(23:50):
him, it was not resolving well,and so it was just an assumed
that it was a heart attack.
again, we would have had to dosome sort of autopsy to, to
really determine that, and wejust, we didn't want to do that,
Dr. Dean (24:04):
And that's interesting that Ohio law wouldn't require
that.
I know here, when my brotherdied, they required an autopsy
given the age.
Heather Mercer (24:13):
I know that the medical examiner.
didn't want to sign off onthings at first.
he said, we should contact herprimary care physician and ask
them, to sign off on it.
because she was pregnant andbecause of the nature of her
pregnancy was so high risk, herprimary care physician hadn't
seen her within a certain, theallotted amount of time.
And so I actually reached out tothe OB, his high risk OB and
(24:37):
manage her case.
wonderfully.
he was just a really fantasticdoctor, and just, talked to him
about what had happened and heconfirmed that, if you, have a
heart attack or you have heartissues or continue to have high
blood pressure for a certaintime postpartum, then it can
contribute to a heart attack.
(24:59):
considered pre eclampsiarelated.
Dr. Dean (25:03):
Mm hmm.
Thank you for sharing that.
That sounds just awful.
And you're trying to take careof all the kids in process that
you just lost your sister.
Heather Mercer (25:14):
a couple things with the baby was that, we were
still under COVID rules, withthe hospital.
Dr. Dean (25:20):
What year this?
Heather Mercer (25:22):
2021,
Dr. Dean (25:23):
Okay,
Heather Mercer (25:24):
and because it was NICU related, the only
people that were allowed.
To go see the baby or mother andfather.
and then siblings, two weeksbefore she passed away, the
siblings.
So my nephew, my oldest nephew,and then the boyfriend's three
year old, went with them, butthey were not able to actually
(25:47):
hold him or do anything with himthat a nurse actually came
behind the glass window and heldhim up.
And then took him back.
the baby was just a completemythological character to, you
know, my nephew, which we'vediscussed a number of times.
he knows he has a brother andyet he, he knows nothing of him,
(26:08):
so that kind of contributed tosome of the trauma stuff that
we've dealt with him.
when I called the NICU andinformed them and also passed
away.
they granted me a one time passthat I could go and, see him and
hold him.
And I got to go up there andhold him.
going back to my sister being inthe hospital with meningitis.
(26:30):
my mom talked a lot about, therewere songs that she sang to
Melissa to calm her, because shewas just, hysterical and in pain
in the hospital.
so that's been this traditionthat's been passed down with our
children is that, you go and yousee the baby in the hospital and
you hold the baby and you singthem songs.
Melissa had done that with myyoungest.
She actually showed up 10minutes after he was born and
(26:51):
then she stayed with me.
My mom and my sister wanted tobe there for the birth, but they
showed up 10 minutes after.
and That I got a chance to dothat for her baby and sing to
him and, they helped me give hima bath and, feed him a bottle.
And, and then after that, hisfather, went from not being
involved to, you're not takingmy baby, which was, never our
(27:12):
intent, but that was in his mindwhat we were doing.
so he, blocked all communicationwith the hospital, for us.
yes.
yes, it was very, chaotic andjust, I don't know if I said it,
but for safety reasons, westopped, all contact.
Because it just escalated fromthere and, he lived in our
house, he went back home out bymy parents.
(27:36):
His mom lived out there as well.
he went back home and he wouldcome back and, grab some things
and then go back and so he wasin and out.
Melissa's funeral was two weeksafter she passed away.
so after the funeral, heofficially moved out.
He talked to us about, stayinglonger and, He, he didn't have a
job and already, had a historyof not paying rent where he was
(27:58):
previously.
And, you can stay, limited time,stay to get your feet, but we're
going to put a time limit on it.
And, so he cut it short.
he officially moved out afterhis,
Dr. Dean (28:11):
So you have this ambiguous loss, too.
You lost your sister, and thenby ambiguous loss, you're
mourning someone that's eitherphysically present and
psychologically absent orpsychologically absent.
and physically present.
Basically, you're grieving yournephew that you saw one time as
well.
(28:32):
And like you said, mythicalcreature,
Heather Mercer (28:34):
I hope that, one day, and obviously I would
assume he's going to be an adultwhen that one day happened, but,
that one day we will make aconnection with him and that,
his heart wouldn't be hardenedtowards us.
because I can just imagine,based off the interactions that
we had with his dad.
that there could be a lot ofthings that were said that were
(28:55):
negative.
Dr. Dean (28:56):
Yeah.
Heather Mercer (28:57):
and not true, Yeah I took pictures when I went
to see him at the hospital.
I had started to write in ajournal.
and it was just Too much.
I still have the journal.
Maybe i'll fill it in,
Dr. Dean (29:13):
Yeah.
Heather Mercer (29:13):
but right now it's too much to fathom
Dr. Dean (29:18):
How are you doing with your grief now?
Heather Mercer (29:22):
So Throughout the two years that I was in the
custody battle, it was very muchheld on pause.
I couldn't attenuate to itbecause I had to attenuate to
this very insane custody,arrangement and, fight, really.
And, then, after the custody,Stuff was finally agreed upon.
(29:45):
I did okay, and we're mixinginto this that I also lost my
mom.
I lost the two, key femalefigures in my life.
my family of origin was just myparents and my sister and I, and
so now it's just me and my dad.
About October.
So when I came home from thecustody thing is when I wrote in
to you.
because I had friends that werevery supportive and I could talk
(30:09):
to, but, I needed to tell thestory a little bit in a more
official capacity.
And, I needed to say it that dayI was like running on adrenaline
and then that journaling crashedout.
and so by October I crashed outand I was looking at,
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
So this would be the secondThanksgiving without Melissa,
second Christmas without Melissaand the first without my mom.
(30:32):
I burnt out.
and I realized I was in a traumamode, it was traumatizing, both
the losses, and traumatizing,how Melissa died and, just how
suddenly it happened.
And, and so I spent a lot of thewinter, working on that burnout
(30:54):
and working on, my stress.
Anxiety and trauma and, I'mstarting to come out of it.
starting to feel like I can goand do things I can, I can talk
about stuff and not, completelybreak down.
therapy has helped a lot withthat, to be able to talk that.
out loud.
Um, my husband is amazing andhe's supportive and, But the
(31:17):
great thing about talking to atherapist is you can say things
that, and you don't have to lookat that person over the dining
room table over dinner, and yousay awful things and, they're
not like really meant, but youthink them sometimes and that's
normal.
And it doesn't mean that youreally feel that way about your
person or, you But, there, therewas a period of time where I
(31:38):
didn't have anything good tosay, and I didn't want to say
those bad things and I didn'twant to, be angry and frustrated
and, or let other people knowthat I was angry or frustrated
with the situation.
like I said, there was a bigmess and, and we were, my dad
and I were left to.
it up.
(31:59):
and my mom did a lot of work,two years in between.
but it's still a big mess.
Dr. Dean (32:07):
Yeah, I think, that is the benefit of therapy.
People say things in here thatthey wouldn't say elsewhere.
it sounds to me like what youwere also saying is You delayed
your grief, and you had to besomewhat focused on how things
ended for such a long period oftime.
How are you with that now?
(32:28):
Are you able to think about herdifferently?
Heather Mercer (32:31):
there are things I absolutely miss.
holidays are never going to bethe same.
Where I was talking about, everyChristmas, she was in the
children's hospital.
As an adult the way she handledHolidays and celebrations as she
always made it big.
So Christmas was always a big todo for her and Easter and she
(32:52):
loved to dress up and you knowfor Halloween and she loved to
do those things and I didn'treally feel like doing
Christmas.
I didn't really feel like doingholidays.
And, of course, I've got thesekids.
And I don't want to ruin themagic of it for them.
so we kept things verysimplified.
but it was really hard.
And, to even think about,getting together with family.
(33:13):
getting together with my dad.
that, that felt awful that, hewas alone on Christmas.
And, But it was like, I couldn'teven get myself up, couldn't, I
could get dressed and I couldget showered, and I can do those
things now, but, I definitelycouldn't do it then.
I think about, the things thatshe's missing out with her son,
(33:33):
like I said, he's gonna, he's apreteen now, he's going to be a
teenager this year.
My oldest who's 14 just asked meabout driving and she's never
gonna get to teach him how todrive or,
Dr. Dean (33:43):
Mm hmm.
Heather Mercer (33:44):
And so there, there are those things that I
miss.
they don't make me feeldevastated anymore, definitely
know that they're missing.
it's like you keep looking, for,but.
You know that she's not there.
she's not showing up.
Dr. Dean (33:59):
Yeah.
Do you avoid that part of thehouse at all?
Heather Mercer (34:04):
Oh no, I'm actually down here right now.
after she passed, yes,absolutely.
I did not want to, comedownstairs.
and it helped that her boyfriendwas down here and that, he
didn't want us down here.
her son, so, we're a threebedroom house, one bathroom, and
so you've got six people livingin this one house, and there is
(34:28):
a bathroom in the apartment, andso you know, sometimes you have
to tell the kids, go downstairs,somebody else is in the
bathroom, go downstairs, and hewill not.
he will not come down here.
I'm
Dr. Dean (34:39):
glad that you also said he's getting help too.
Heather Mercer (34:44):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (34:46):
Is there anything that you found surprising around
sibling loss or support eitherright after she died or now?
Heather Mercer (34:56):
I had a really great community.
and I knew that going in.
it was just crazy to me.
My house was like a trainstation.
I just had people constantlycoming and going.
And, then losing my mom, it'sbeen the complete opposite.
I haven't really seen anyone.
(35:16):
and it, part of that was that weactually packed ourselves up in
our camper and, went and livedout there, through the six weeks
of the end of my mom's life.
and so some friends said theydidn't even realize that we
were, back yet, or, And, I guessone of the surprising things is
that I have reconnected with,some friends from high school
(35:40):
that, they were good friends.
Then I'm actually just reallyterrible at keeping in contact
with people.
and, they, keep reaching out andchecking on me over the past two
and a half years.
because, I'm not living in thetown where I grew up.
Nobody really knew my sister.
She wasn't here long enough forthem to know.
(36:01):
so You know, I'd go into townand I knew I looked wrecked You
know, we live in this littlevillage and I would go into the
butcher and I just look wreckedAnd somebody would say hey, you
know what's going on and i'dhave to explain myself and
explain, you know My sister justdied Sometimes you hope that,
the rumor meal is as close knitas it can be, but, sometimes
(36:22):
there, there'd be someone whereI'd have to talk about it.
and that was, hard especially inthe beginning.
I, personally, I've had a lot oflosses.
I had two second trimester,miscarriages, my husband lost
his dad.
10 years ago to cancer.
And so I've always been reallyopen.
(36:43):
somebody asked me, I just toldthem, just there was no sense in
trying to make myself look okay,or seem okay.
I just found it was better, tobe honest and say what happened.
Dr. Dean (36:56):
think that's great advice.
I'm sorry for all of your loss.
It's interesting because in someways you anticipated her death
for a very long time and ofcourse it was still very
shocking and surprising.
Heather Mercer (37:10):
Again, you don't expect at 36, that somebody's
not going to be there anymore.
And especially, 36 new baby.
you expect that they're going tobe there and get to see their
kids grow up.
Dr. Dean (37:25):
So what are some of your favorite memories with
Melissa?
Heather Mercer (37:30):
we lived next door to our cousins, and growing
up until I graduated highschool, and The movie Annie, I
think, had just come out and wewould reenact Annie and Melissa
was the youngest of the five ofus and so she always got
assigned the role of, Sandy thedog.
Dr. Dean (37:48):
Oh, the dog.
Sandy, the dog.
Heather Mercer (37:57):
I was asking my kids and my husband, their
memories too.
So my kids always remember they,they brought up, going to the
Lego store with her.
And, this is, this was tied inwith Christmas.
And so it was a big thing.
And, she always made sure thatthey got the mini figures and
they always got to do the pick abrick.
And they always, justeverything, it was just this big
to do for her.
but.
My husband, and I wrote thisdown myself and then laughed
(38:19):
when I asked my husband what hisnumber was, is early in our
marriage.
So my husband and I got marriedin our early 20s, and so Melissa
was 17.
She's a junior in high schooland she'd come over and hang out
with us.
And so I took her and my husbandgrocery shopping with the one
day and they were walking aroundlike Walmart or something,
(38:40):
clucking like chickens.
While I'm trying to grocery shopand so So I pretended I didn't
know them and I went out of mybusiness But it this carried on
for a very long time that theykept clucking like chicken and
they Both her and my husbandjust really enjoy, making people
laugh and So it was pretty parfor course We shared trips to
(39:06):
the zoo we would meet up there,it was a halfway point for us
and she'd bring my mom and wejust walk around with the kids.
I realized that my youngest,because he was born in 2017, he
was just too young to rememberanything pre COVID, any of those
trips pre COVID.
And then, now, That's justsomething I'm not interested in
(39:27):
taking the kids and doingmyself.
and he looked at me and goes,Mom, I haven't even seen a
giraffe, I was like, yes, youdid, but you were like six
months old.
we would do that.
I mentioned she wanted to bethere for the birth of my
youngest child.
it was very special.
I had, advocated for myself tohave a VBAC, which is the
vaginal birth after C section.
(39:47):
I actually had two C sectionsprior.
so I had the same doctor thatshe had when she gave birth to
her And, he was just fantasticin managing.
I, Hard cases.
it went from I was not laboringat all to I suddenly was
matching a room over where thelady was like ready to give
birth.
(40:07):
It was so strange, like ourcharts were matching each other.
And then, They had to call himin and, they, my mom and sister
called my husband and they werelike, Hey, we're getting out in
the parking lot.
He said, the baby will be hereby the time, you make it here.
And that was pretty typical formy mom and my sister.
They relate for everything.
They'd call me, they'd say I'mon the way, it's an hour and a
half to my house and three hourslater, they're finally there
(40:29):
because they had to makemultiple stops to pick up things
that they remembered on the way.
We, all of our kids are May,June babies.
So we just would do this bigjoint celebration.
and we would never really do abig birthday party, but we, made
sure we all had cake togetherand, open presents and stuff.
(40:50):
those are the highlights.
I remember getting her readyfor, I believe prom.
And, The dress that she wore toprom was the bridesmaid dress
for my wedding.
mentioned she was a drummer inhigh school, the marching band
stuff and the uniforms.
And, she went to the high schoolof our hometown.
so it was a big to do for, herto be in band and the band, at
(41:13):
least.
Honorary people enjoyed, theband, where most places band got
a bunch of geeks, or was
Dr. Dean (41:26):
Do you find ways that you stay connected with her now?
Obviously through the kids, but
Heather Mercer (41:31):
she, loved clothes.
And, I find that, where I was alittle bit more.
Not prints or not, loud colorsor whatever.
I'm adding those things a littlebit more.
my glasses, I picked a pair ofridiculous looking glasses that
I wouldn't have typicallychosen.
Dr. Dean (41:48):
The ones you have on?
Heather Mercer (41:49):
yes, they have flowers in the frames, which
before I would only get like aplain.
and then my, I have drivingglasses because I have really
terrible night vision.
and those are like, bright redand polka dots.
And my kids said they look likeMinnie Mouse.
And I was like, but I wanted themost ridiculous pair..
her name, Melissa, meanshoneybee.
And I'm just really drawn tothings that have honeybees on
(42:09):
them.
my neighbors have bees, so weend up with honeybees in our
yard all the time.
I was look at you, and then theearrings that I'm wearing are,
were hers.
they're honeybee earrings.
and So I've just added things inthe way that I dress that, I
would have gone with plain hoopsor, whatever.
And now I've got little donutearrings in, letting that side
of her, shine through me.
Dr. Dean (42:32):
Thank you for that.
Thank you for sharing so muchabout her and your loss and I
really enjoyed our conversationas well today.
Heather Mercer (42:42):
I appreciate appreciate what you do.
Dr. Dean (42:45):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for listening.
Our theme song was written byJoe Mylward and Brian Dean and
was performed by Fuji Sounds(feat.
MYLWD.).
If you would like moreinformation on The Broken Pack™,
go to our website,thebrokenpack.
com.
Be sure to sign up for ournewsletter, Wild Grief™, and to
learn about opportunities andreceive exclusive information
(43:05):
and content, as well as grievingtips for subscribers.
Information on that, our socialmedia and on our guest can be
found in the show notes whereveryou get your podcasts.
Please like, follow, rate,subscribe, and share.
Thanks again.
Hello and welcome to The Broken Pack™, a podcast
focused on giving adultsurvivors of sibling loss, a
platform to share their storiesand to be heard.
Something that many sibling losssurvivors state that they never
have had.
Sibling Loss Is Misunderstood™.
The Broken Pack™exists to changethat and to support survivors.
(00:32):
I'm your host, Dr.
Angela Dean.
In today's episode, you'll hearHeather's devastating story of
losing her sister, Melissa,following complications after
her pregnancy.
You'll also hear how familydynamics have changed and some
secondary losses and ambiguouslosses that she discussed.
Take a listen.
(01:02):
All right.
welcome Heather.
I was wondering how you wantedto introduce yourself to our
listeners?
Heather Mercer (01:08):
Ahh yes Heather Mercer and, my husband and I
just celebrated our 21stanniversary, last week.
And we have four boys, threethat are biological.
And, I also have my sister'soldest son.
and a kinship arrangement.
I homeschool all the boys.
I've homeschooled my childrensince my oldest was in
(01:31):
kindergarten.
He's now 14.
And so I guess I should say thekids are ages ranges between 6
and 14.
and then my sister had moved inwith us, in 2021 and I started
homeschooling her son, shortlybefore she passed away.
I have a degree in psychology,but I ended up working in
financial services, in the past.
(01:53):
brokerage area.
It was a complete, deviationfrom what my degree was.
and I describe my family as afamily of tinkerers.
We're always working onsomething or messing with
something.
I do a lot of, colored pencilart and jewelry making.
And, my husband and I wereworking on restoring an
(02:14):
Airstream, a vintage Airstream.
We started that back in 2016.
before we had our youngest, andwe had planned to travel on it
for a while, and find a plot ofland to do some homesteading,
which we do a little bit here.
We've got it just under twoacres, so I do a little bit of
(02:34):
homesteading, no animals though,much to my children's
disappointment.
We don't have chickens.
Dr. Dean (02:41):
Yeah.
Are you in a rural area?
It sounds like.
Heather Mercer (02:45):
we're actually in a village, but, we're like on
the edge of the township.
And then, as soon as you hit thetownship, there's farmland.
And so the, at the end of theschool year, they have a tractor
parade for the high school thatgoes right past
Dr. Dean (02:58):
wow.
Okay.
thank you for sharing all that.
I'm just curious, like whatstate are you?
Heather Mercer (03:04):
We're in Ohio, so we're in Northeast Ohio and,
but we thought we were done withthe snow and today we look like
a little snow globe.
Dr. Dean (03:10):
Yeah, we did too.
Thank you for all of that.
Before we talk about losingMelissa, what would you like our
listeners to know about her?
Heather Mercer (03:20):
okay.
she was a single mom of twoboys.
their ages were 10 and she had anewborn, at the time of her
passing in 2021.
the newborn was premature by 13weeks, he was four months out
from his birthday, but, he waspremature by 13 weeks, he should
have.
Only just been born.
(03:41):
she was a nurse, in a nursinghome and it was a dream of hers.
I just remember her being infirst grade, you had to write
out what you wanted and,
Dr. Dean (03:50):
Mm hmm.
Heather Mercer (03:51):
wanted to be when you grew up and she wrote
out that she wanted to be anurse.
And then when she got into highschool, she actually trained to
become an automechanic and didthat for a few years until she
had her oldest son.
Dr. Dean (04:03):
You said auto mechanic?
Heather Mercer (04:05):
auto mechanic, yep.
she was trained to work on carsand did that for a little while.
she loved animals, especiallycats.
We had a cat, Patches, growingup that she was particularly,
attached to.
she was a drummer in high schooland, At her funeral, a lot of
friends from high school cameand talked about her and that
she was the only one that wasable to teach them how to do the
(04:26):
cadence, which is like a specialsong that introduces the
marching band.
When you hear the cadence, themarching band's coming out onto
the field.
and lastly, she was a type onediabetic.
She was diagnosed at eight yearsold.
so that was back in 93.
And, expectations of lifeexpectancy for a type 1 diabetic
(04:47):
at that time, the expectationsfor quality of life is a lot
different than it is now.
Dr. Dean (04:53):
Hmm.
Heather Mercer (04:54):
and that we'll get into later on.
so because she was type 1diabetic, she was afraid to live
alone and she lived with myparents.
like I said, she was a singlemom.
I'm going to sound like theReba.
She was a single mom.
She worked two jobs.
She also went to college, causeshe.
Was an LPN and she was going tobecome an RN.
(05:14):
and after 2020, she, had said,I'm 35 years old.
I still live at home with myparents.
I want to go out on my own andI, I want to become an adult.
And so in 2021, she was pregnantwith her youngest.
she started looking for a placeand it was really hard to find
apartment.
(05:34):
and We have in our home and inlaw suite and they moved in, her
and her boyfriend and her oldestand his son, and then expecting
that the baby would move in,soon, they moved into the in law
suite, so at least she had someindependence, but, wasn't
completely alone and she wasn'talone, with her boyfriend there
either, but, with someone thatreally understood her struggle
(05:56):
with diabetes.
Dr. Dean (05:57):
Yeah.
Were you older or younger?
Heather Mercer (06:00):
I'm older by four years.
Dr. Dean (06:02):
Okay, So, you had an understanding of what her
medical needs were and as achild, were you involved with
her care, making sure,
Heather Mercer (06:13):
Yes.
so I was 12 when she wasdiagnosed.
And, I remember late highschool, college.
You had to call in your, herblood sugar numbers to the nurse
practitioner.
And so I was, on the phone withthe nurse practitioner, giving
her what Melissa's blood sugarnumbers were, and then they make
adjustments to, her medication.
She, attended a camp out here inNortheast Ohio, Camp Home,
(06:35):
Minnesota, which, has a veryspecial place for both of us.
so right after she wasdiagnosed, they found, a
campership for her to be able toattend right away.
and it's great for kids toattend there to learn, how to
manage their diabetes and how todo the finger pricks and see
that there's other kids that,have type one diabetes as well.
She attended there and loved it.
(06:56):
And it's just this reallyspecial place.
And then when I was in highschool, I Had gone out with her
to drop her off and wasapproached by the Camp director
and he said hey, we had akitchen staff member quit and
you're 15 We're curious.
Would you like to come in?
You And so I worked there forthe next three summers.
(07:16):
And, it, like I said, it wasjust a really special place for
both of us.
So a place that, you know, evennow as an adult, like I gone
back and supported them and,they had
Dr. Dean (07:27):
Mm hmm.
Heather Mercer (07:28):
a, inspector come in and so I came out and I
mopped floors and I, cleantoilets and, did all those
things and,
Dr. Dean (07:34):
Yeah.
If you send me the link to that,I'll put it in the show notes.
Heather Mercer (07:38):
okay.
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (07:39):
Listeners can support that or find out more What was
your relationship like with her?
Heather Mercer (07:44):
so I'll take it back a little bit.
my parents were married for 13years before they had kids.
So they were in their mid 30sand in the 80s to be in your mid
30s and had kids.
that was just really unusual.
my dad was a Vietnam vet, sothat contributed to it.
And then my mom ended up,struggling with infertility and
had a couple miscarriages.
(08:06):
And so I was born when she was35 and then, I remember being,
three, four years old andpraying with my mom for a little
brother or sister.
And, Melissa was born when I wasfour and I was really proud of
her and really excited and thatlittle mama, thing.
One of the pictures I sent youwhere I was taking a nap with
(08:27):
her, that was, prettyconsistent.
and then when we got into schoolage, especially when she got
into school age, I don't have awhole lot of memories other
than, us dressing up for Easteror Christmas and going to meet
uncles, big thing.
But it was really like once shewas in high school that, I have
more memories and especially,high school through adulthood.
(08:50):
When we were in high school, mymom, got a job outside the home
for the first time, years, and Iwas a college student and,
because she was type onediabetic, and my mom was working
as she worked in a factory.
So it was like, she could justtake a phone call.
So that laid in my lap to, carrya cell phone around with me.
(09:10):
Melissa tried skipping schooland I got a call on the cell
phone.
And of course this is, likeearly two thousands and.
Cell phones weren't verypopular.
And I just remember my teacherbeing really upset that I took
this call and got up and walkedout of class, and I had to come
back and explain to her, I'mreally sorry, I've got a younger
sister that I'm responsible for.
And, I can't skip this call.
(09:30):
So, yeah, a protector, anoverseer, a little mama thing.
I much, I respected that shewas, Her own person and that I
wasn't her mother, but, I wasdefinitely always looking out
for her.
Dr. Dean (09:44):
Yeah, it sounds like that carried through with her
living with you as well.
Heather Mercer (09:49):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (09:51):
How did your relationship change after you
were adults?
Heather Mercer (09:55):
not a whole lot.
I remember when she told me thatshe was pregnant with her
oldest, I was really upsetbecause, again, like I said, it,
okay.
The expectation, we were toldalways growing up, we'd be lucky
if she saw it to be a teenager,we'd be lucky if she saw herself
to adulthood, we'd be,absolutely amazed if she had a
baby, and so when she told methat she had a baby, the movie
(10:18):
Fried Green Tomatoes where JuliaRoberts character passes away,
that was running through my headand I was really upset and
really, concerned for her, butshe carried him full term and,
Mostly everything was alright,and, once she had her oldest, we
did a lot of life togetherbecause I had my 14 year old, so
(10:38):
him and her son are two yearsapart.
they were interested in eachother, and, so we would do zoo
trips and, get together, and goto the Lego store and then go
see Santa at Christmas and,Because she lived with my
parents, it was just alwaysgoing to visit grandma and
grandpa or they would come toour house for the holidays.
And so we did a lot of lifetogether, even though we live an
(10:59):
hour and a half apart.
And when she moved in with us,our expectation was that we were
going to do a lot more lifetogether.
Dr. Dean (11:07):
How long before she died did she move in with you?
Heather Mercer (11:10):
She moved in August 1, and she passed away
September 25.
Dr. Dean (11:15):
Oh, so not, so you weren't able to do life
together.
Heather Mercer (11:20):
and most of that time, she had just returned to
work, which I thought was reallyunfair.
She had a C section, she had ababy in the NICU, and she went
back to work at the eight weekmark, I think, and had to fight
with the system for, extendedleave, and That was one of the
phone calls that I handled aftershe passed away was talking to
(11:42):
them because they, kept callingand leaving messages.
a lot of that time that she washere, even in those two months,
she was working, a full time joband, attending to a newborn in
the NICU.
Dr. Dean (11:55):
Right.
Heather Mercer (11:56):
I will say here, that the father did not, wanna
put in the effort of learninghow to do some of the medical
things.
And so it created some issues.
Dr. Dean (12:10):
For the, your nephew or for her
Heather Mercer (12:13):
it created some issues with the nicu.
they did not like that, and werehesitant to send the baby home.
Dr. Dean (12:21):
That sounds challenging for everyone
involved.
Heather Mercer (12:25):
Yeah, so she passed away when he was four
months old.
they were just starting to talkabout sending him home and, she
passed away.
And like I said, we had, had tocut off contact, for safety
reasons with his father.
And, I heard through thegrapevine that the baby didn't
come home until January, whichwould be January.
(12:47):
nine months, maybe my math'swrong, seven months.
and I don't know a whole lot ofpeople that have babies that are
in NICU, but I know a coupleand, extended stays are typical,
especially if they see theslightest thing, but, the
situation was especiallyextraordinary.
Dr. Dean (13:06):
yeah.
Thank you for sharing that.
Sounds like it was a roughperiod for multiple reasons,
obviously.
What are you comfortable sharingabout losing Melissa?
Heather Mercer (13:19):
it was weird because, we, like I said, we
were prepped throughout herentire life that, she was a
walking miracle.
so I'll back up again when shewas a baby, she was 15 months
old and she was diagnosed withmeningitis, and spent some time
in the hospital.
And that's one of like myearliest memories is that.
I was four and I went to staywith my grandparents and then
(13:41):
with my aunt and uncle, my dadhad a job that he traveled a
couple of states away, prettymuch weekly and well, and so my
mom was with my sister at thehospital and, then she developed
asthma and it was severe andthen diabetes on top of that.
And especially around theholidays, the excitement of
(14:02):
Christmas seemed to kick off theexcitement of Christmas.
she always complained about thecinnamon pine cones at the
grocery store.
The cinnamon, the smell of thecinnamon pine cones, bringing
the Christmas tree down, withall the dust and stuff,
triggered an asthma attack inher.
And then the asthma attack wouldtrigger, the medicines would
make her blood sugars run allover the place and then she'd
end up at Christmas in theChildren's hospital.
(14:23):
I
Dr. Dean (14:24):
more than one
Heather Mercer (14:25):
every year.
Yeah, almost every year.
we were prepped in a way, likeyou never expect a 36-year-old
to just suddenly die, but wewere prepped in a way.
and then in 2018, so shewould've been 33, she had a
heart attack.
she had been very sick and she.
was trying to finish her finalsand she actually went camping
(14:48):
with us while she was sick and,came home from that and went to
the hospital and they were like,you have pneumonia.
And while she was at thehospital, she had a heart
attack.
Dr. Dean (14:57):
Oh,
Heather Mercer (14:58):
so that led to, her having some discussions with
me about, her oldest son and, ifanything ever happened to her,
it's her desire that, he go intoour care.
And his father is living.
but do not assume that justbecause a parent was living,
that they're a healthyindividual or capable of caring
for a child.
especially, to have a parent saythat this is my express desire
(15:21):
as the legal guardian, she wasthe only one that had the legal,
whatever, established.
After
Dr. Dean (15:28):
like she had decision making custody solely.
Yeah.
Okay.
Heather Mercer (15:33):
yeah, they never went to an official capacity
with that, but in the state ofOhio, she, because she was
single, she was solely thedecision maker, unless father
filed for something, that neverhappened until she passed away.
she had that discussion with me.
you always knew it was on thehorizon.
You didn't expect it to happenwhen she was 36.
(15:53):
we had the discussion, myparents again are aging, they're
middle to late 70s.
And, because she was a nurse,she talked about that she would
take a caregiving role for them.
And, I would support her inhowever way, I could.
that was, a really, scary thingthat, she's no longer there.
(16:13):
And, I just lost my mom, in Mayand
Dr. Dean (16:17):
sorry.
Heather Mercer (16:19):
that was, that was one of those situations
where, I wish I would have hadthe medical knowledge that was
the day.
and been able to ask questionsabout things, because it was a
really intense six weeks goingfrom my mom thinking she was
having a gallbladder attack tojust stage four pancreatic
(16:39):
cancer.
And, she was delusional in theend.
it was hard to watch to doalone.
Yeah, but the actual losingMelissa, like you said, I felt
prepped for it.
It was obviously, devastating atfirst.
now two years out, it's, thereare so many things that she left
(16:59):
behind that need to be tended tothat are a big mess, and very
stressful and the custody,situation with her oldest is
definitely number one.
and that was two years of courtstuff, and very intense.
And, now I have her son who'sgoing to be a preteen and, is
(17:20):
dealing with some, trauma stuffhimself, and rightly so for
losing his mother.
and.
Probate because she was an automechanic.
She had tons of vehicles in hername and because she has two
children and she was nevermarried, everything goes with
the kids.
And even though we're doingprobate, we can't make a whole
(17:40):
lot of decisions, without thecourt direction.
my dad kept talking about whenhis dad died, it was just so
easy.
He just went down to thecourthouse and he did this and
he filled out this form.
Now, we're two years in withprobate and, it's just really
slow going and reallyfrustrating.
yeah,
Dr. Dean (17:57):
It sounds like with her children being minors too.
It's not just they can go downto the courthouse because
they're minors.
Heather Mercer (18:04):
she had a lot of stuff and she held on to a lot
of stuff and Kind of pockets oftime throughout the house, and
my parents looked back and said,you know How did we end up with
all this stuff in the house?
you don't realize it until theperson's gone, but We were
filling our cars by the carloadAnd, making donations to women's
centers and, donating stuffedanimals to the sheriff for,
(18:27):
children.
And I'm not sure if it was forchildren that were in CPS or
child protective services, andthere's still just a lot more, I
think a lot about, they talkabout when you passed away,
somebody's eventually going tohave to go through your
underwear drawer and, throughthings and, how much do you want
to really leave for them to haveto go through?
And, I was more on theminimalist side even before she
(18:48):
passed away.
And, more so since she passedaway.
just simplify as much as I can.
Dr. Dean (18:56):
Yeah.
Do you want to share how shedied?
Heather Mercer (19:00):
So the day she died, it was September.
End of the season for ourgarden.
And I was out working on that.
And, pulling stuff up and, Iremember sitting down and her
boyfriend, came flying aroundthe house and screaming and he
said, I think she's dead.
And, we were like, who?
(19:22):
And he was like, Melissa, Ithink she's dead.
he was like, I already called,the emergency team.
And so my husband went down, tojust, confirm and he came back
and he was like, yeah, I thinkso.
I just remember it was like thelongest wait of my life, waiting
for the EMS team to go in andassess and actually officially
tell me, that she had passedaway.
(19:42):
And that it was just some,misunderstanding that maybe she
was, in a coma or, something,her blood sugar was low or
whatever.
I remember watching theparamedic come out and go into
the truck.
And I walked over to her and Iwas like, please, she's my
sister.
And she's I just needed my job.
And understand that, but she'smy sister.
I'm not just nobody, please justtell me.
(20:04):
And, of course she just verypatiently told me that, I need
to go sit down, which sucked.
but.
And then they came over and theytalked to me and, they asked
about her medical history andjust confirmed that she had
passed away.
that point it was really hard totell.
they could make somesuggestions, but of course there
needed to be an autopsy if youreally wanted to know.
(20:26):
and at this point after theyconfirmed, I was trying to call
my parents, and.
I called my parents house anumber of times, and they hadn't
answered my nephew actually wasat their house, for the weekend
and, he said he, he saw mynumber come up and my dad was
(20:46):
just like, we'll deal with itlater.
They were in the middle of doingsomething.
And, so finally my mom had acell phone.
My dad doesn't, but my mom had acell phone.
I kept trying to call her onthat.
I couldn't get ahold of her.
So I knew she was supposed to bewith her church group and I
ended up calling her pastor.
And I was like, Hey, Melissadied.
I couldn't even
Dr. Dean (21:03):
Couldn't soften that.
Heather Mercer (21:04):
Yeah, couldn't soften it.
I was like, I'm trying to getahold of my parents.
She's my mom's supposed to bethere with you guys.
I just, I can't get ahold ofher.
And.
She's she didn't come today.
I'll send one of the membersover to your parents house.
And so she sent one of themembers over and he met my dad
at the door and, informed himthat my sister had passed away.
And then my dad called me and hewas like, what is he telling me?
(21:28):
And I was like, she passed away.
and, they found her.
in the bathroom.
We found her in the bathroom.
We thought she'd gotten up to goto take a shower and actually,
the boyfriend's little threeyear old found her.
and then, because she was in myhouse, I'm dealing with the
county, the examining, what isit, the medical examiner or the,
Dr. Dean (21:48):
examiner, yeah.
Heather Mercer (21:49):
yeah, dealing with them.
They want to know where to sendthe, send her, who to call and,
so at this point I made contactwith my mom and I, because I had
no idea even, who was out thereby them.
so called them, waited a longtime because they, had to drive
an hour and a half to come out.
(22:10):
and then after that, I justremember trembling.
Like I couldn't stop shaking.
definitely like in shock and Ihave my three sons and then her
boyfriend's, three year oldthere and, they need to be fed
and they need, to be cared forand there's phone calls to make.
I ended up calling the NICU andtelling them that, she had
(22:33):
passed away because like yousaid, there were some issues,
with, baby had a special tubefor eating that they needed to
be trained in and the boyfriendwas hesitant so he just wasn't
comfortable in doing it or atleast that's what he said.
He wasn't comfortable inlearning how to do that and so
he was just hoping that the babywould age out of it, before he
left the NICU so they, they wereon watch with the NICU, and so I
(22:56):
just wanted them to know that,if Melissa didn't show up, this
is why.
not because she's beingnegligent, but because, you
know, she,
Dr. Dean (23:04):
She can't.
Heather Mercer (23:05):
she can't,
Dr. Dean (23:06):
Mm
Heather Mercer (23:08):
and that, that was the other thing, she wasn't
being negligent before shepassed away.
she worked and, worked full timeand, that's hard.
I can't imagine how hard thatis.
so after discussing with themedical examiner, her history
and discussing with my parentsabout, do we do an autopsy or
not?
(23:29):
it was just determined thatbecause she had a previous,
heart attack and because shehad, type one diabetes, which,
just added, stacked on top ofthat.
The reason she had the baby inthe NICU, she had him 13 weeks
early, was that she had,preeclampsia, and after she had
(23:50):
him, it was not resolving well,and so it was just an assumed
that it was a heart attack.
again, we would have had to dosome sort of autopsy to, to
really determine that, and wejust, we didn't want to do that,
Dr. Dean (24:04):
And that's interesting that Ohio law wouldn't require
that.
I know here, when my brotherdied, they required an autopsy
given the age.
Heather Mercer (24:13):
I know that the medical examiner.
didn't want to sign off onthings at first.
he said, we should contact herprimary care physician and ask
them, to sign off on it.
because she was pregnant andbecause of the nature of her
pregnancy was so high risk, herprimary care physician hadn't
seen her within a certain, theallotted amount of time.
And so I actually reached out tothe OB, his high risk OB and
(24:37):
manage her case.
wonderfully.
he was just a really fantasticdoctor, and just, talked to him
about what had happened and heconfirmed that, if you, have a
heart attack or you have heartissues or continue to have high
blood pressure for a certaintime postpartum, then it can
contribute to a heart attack.
(24:59):
considered pre eclampsiarelated.
Dr. Dean (25:03):
Mm hmm.
Thank you for sharing that.
That sounds just awful.
And you're trying to take careof all the kids in process that
you just lost your sister.
Heather Mercer (25:14):
a couple things with the baby was that, we were
still under COVID rules, withthe hospital.
Dr. Dean (25:20):
What year this?
Heather Mercer (25:22):
2021,
Dr. Dean (25:23):
Okay,
Heather Mercer (25:24):
and because it was NICU related, the only
people that were allowed.
To go see the baby or mother andfather.
and then siblings, two weeksbefore she passed away, the
siblings.
So my nephew, my oldest nephew,and then the boyfriend's three
year old, went with them, butthey were not able to actually
(25:47):
hold him or do anything with himthat a nurse actually came
behind the glass window and heldhim up.
And then took him back.
the baby was just a completemythological character to, you
know, my nephew, which we'vediscussed a number of times.
he knows he has a brother andyet he, he knows nothing of him,
(26:08):
so that kind of contributed tosome of the trauma stuff that
we've dealt with him.
when I called the NICU andinformed them and also passed
away.
they granted me a one time passthat I could go and, see him and
hold him.
And I got to go up there andhold him.
going back to my sister being inthe hospital with meningitis.
(26:30):
my mom talked a lot about, therewere songs that she sang to
Melissa to calm her, because shewas just, hysterical and in pain
in the hospital.
so that's been this traditionthat's been passed down with our
children is that, you go and yousee the baby in the hospital and
you hold the baby and you singthem songs.
Melissa had done that with myyoungest.
She actually showed up 10minutes after he was born and
(26:51):
then she stayed with me.
My mom and my sister wanted tobe there for the birth, but they
showed up 10 minutes after.
and That I got a chance to dothat for her baby and sing to
him and, they helped me give hima bath and, feed him a bottle.
And, and then after that, hisfather, went from not being
involved to, you're not takingmy baby, which was, never our
(27:12):
intent, but that was in his mindwhat we were doing.
so he, blocked all communicationwith the hospital, for us.
yes.
yes, it was very, chaotic andjust, I don't know if I said it,
but for safety reasons, westopped, all contact.
Because it just escalated fromthere and, he lived in our
house, he went back home out bymy parents.
(27:36):
His mom lived out there as well.
he went back home and he wouldcome back and, grab some things
and then go back and so he wasin and out.
Melissa's funeral was two weeksafter she passed away.
so after the funeral, heofficially moved out.
He talked to us about, stayinglonger and, He, he didn't have a
job and already, had a historyof not paying rent where he was
(27:58):
previously.
And, you can stay, limited time,stay to get your feet, but we're
going to put a time limit on it.
And, so he cut it short.
he officially moved out afterhis,
Dr. Dean (28:11):
So you have this ambiguous loss, too.
You lost your sister, and thenby ambiguous loss, you're
mourning someone that's eitherphysically present and
psychologically absent orpsychologically absent.
and physically present.
Basically, you're grieving yournephew that you saw one time as
well.
(28:32):
And like you said, mythicalcreature,
Heather Mercer (28:34):
I hope that, one day, and obviously I would
assume he's going to be an adultwhen that one day happened, but,
that one day we will make aconnection with him and that,
his heart wouldn't be hardenedtowards us.
because I can just imagine,based off the interactions that
we had with his dad.
that there could be a lot ofthings that were said that were
(28:55):
negative.
Dr. Dean (28:56):
Yeah.
Heather Mercer (28:57):
and not true, Yeah I took pictures when I went
to see him at the hospital.
I had started to write in ajournal.
and it was just Too much.
I still have the journal.
Maybe i'll fill it in,
Dr. Dean (29:13):
Yeah.
Heather Mercer (29:13):
but right now it's too much to fathom
Dr. Dean (29:18):
How are you doing with your grief now?
Heather Mercer (29:22):
So Throughout the two years that I was in the
custody battle, it was very muchheld on pause.
I couldn't attenuate to itbecause I had to attenuate to
this very insane custody,arrangement and, fight, really.
And, then, after the custody,Stuff was finally agreed upon.
(29:45):
I did okay, and we're mixinginto this that I also lost my
mom.
I lost the two, key femalefigures in my life.
my family of origin was just myparents and my sister and I, and
so now it's just me and my dad.
About October.
So when I came home from thecustody thing is when I wrote in
to you.
because I had friends that werevery supportive and I could talk
(30:09):
to, but, I needed to tell thestory a little bit in a more
official capacity.
And, I needed to say it that dayI was like running on adrenaline
and then that journaling crashedout.
and so by October I crashed outand I was looking at,
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
So this would be the secondThanksgiving without Melissa,
second Christmas without Melissaand the first without my mom.
(30:32):
I burnt out.
and I realized I was in a traumamode, it was traumatizing, both
the losses, and traumatizing,how Melissa died and, just how
suddenly it happened.
And, and so I spent a lot of thewinter, working on that burnout
(30:54):
and working on, my stress.
Anxiety and trauma and, I'mstarting to come out of it.
starting to feel like I can goand do things I can, I can talk
about stuff and not, completelybreak down.
therapy has helped a lot withthat, to be able to talk that.
out loud.
Um, my husband is amazing andhe's supportive and, But the
(31:17):
great thing about talking to atherapist is you can say things
that, and you don't have to lookat that person over the dining
room table over dinner, and yousay awful things and, they're
not like really meant, but youthink them sometimes and that's
normal.
And it doesn't mean that youreally feel that way about your
person or, you But, there, therewas a period of time where I
(31:38):
didn't have anything good tosay, and I didn't want to say
those bad things and I didn'twant to, be angry and frustrated
and, or let other people knowthat I was angry or frustrated
with the situation.
like I said, there was a bigmess and, and we were, my dad
and I were left to.
it up.
(31:59):
and my mom did a lot of work,two years in between.
but it's still a big mess.
Dr. Dean (32:07):
Yeah, I think, that is the benefit of therapy.
People say things in here thatthey wouldn't say elsewhere.
it sounds to me like what youwere also saying is You delayed
your grief, and you had to besomewhat focused on how things
ended for such a long period oftime.
How are you with that now?
(32:28):
Are you able to think about herdifferently?
Heather Mercer (32:31):
there are things I absolutely miss.
holidays are never going to bethe same.
Where I was talking about, everyChristmas, she was in the
children's hospital.
As an adult the way she handledHolidays and celebrations as she
always made it big.
So Christmas was always a big todo for her and Easter and she
(32:52):
loved to dress up and you knowfor Halloween and she loved to
do those things and I didn'treally feel like doing
Christmas.
I didn't really feel like doingholidays.
And, of course, I've got thesekids.
And I don't want to ruin themagic of it for them.
so we kept things verysimplified.
but it was really hard.
And, to even think about,getting together with family.
(33:13):
getting together with my dad.
that, that felt awful that, hewas alone on Christmas.
And, But it was like, I couldn'teven get myself up, couldn't, I
could get dressed and I couldget showered, and I can do those
things now, but, I definitelycouldn't do it then.
I think about, the things thatshe's missing out with her son,
(33:33):
like I said, he's gonna, he's apreteen now, he's going to be a
teenager this year.
My oldest who's 14 just asked meabout driving and she's never
gonna get to teach him how todrive or,
Dr. Dean (33:43):
Mm hmm.
Heather Mercer (33:44):
And so there, there are those things that I
miss.
they don't make me feeldevastated anymore, definitely
know that they're missing.
it's like you keep looking, for,but.
You know that she's not there.
she's not showing up.
Dr. Dean (33:59):
Yeah.
Do you avoid that part of thehouse at all?
Heather Mercer (34:04):
Oh no, I'm actually down here right now.
after she passed, yes,absolutely.
I did not want to, comedownstairs.
and it helped that her boyfriendwas down here and that, he
didn't want us down here.
her son, so, we're a threebedroom house, one bathroom, and
so you've got six people livingin this one house, and there is
(34:28):
a bathroom in the apartment, andso you know, sometimes you have
to tell the kids, go downstairs,somebody else is in the
bathroom, go downstairs, and hewill not.
he will not come down here.
I'm
Dr. Dean (34:39):
glad that you also said he's getting help too.
Heather Mercer (34:44):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (34:46):
Is there anything that you found surprising around
sibling loss or support eitherright after she died or now?
Heather Mercer (34:56):
I had a really great community.
and I knew that going in.
it was just crazy to me.
My house was like a trainstation.
I just had people constantlycoming and going.
And, then losing my mom, it'sbeen the complete opposite.
I haven't really seen anyone.
(35:16):
and it, part of that was that weactually packed ourselves up in
our camper and, went and livedout there, through the six weeks
of the end of my mom's life.
and so some friends said theydidn't even realize that we
were, back yet, or, And, I guessone of the surprising things is
that I have reconnected with,some friends from high school
(35:40):
that, they were good friends.
Then I'm actually just reallyterrible at keeping in contact
with people.
and, they, keep reaching out andchecking on me over the past two
and a half years.
because, I'm not living in thetown where I grew up.
Nobody really knew my sister.
She wasn't here long enough forthem to know.
(36:01):
so You know, I'd go into townand I knew I looked wrecked You
know, we live in this littlevillage and I would go into the
butcher and I just look wreckedAnd somebody would say hey, you
know what's going on and i'dhave to explain myself and
explain, you know My sister justdied Sometimes you hope that,
the rumor meal is as close knitas it can be, but, sometimes
(36:22):
there, there'd be someone whereI'd have to talk about it.
and that was, hard especially inthe beginning.
I, personally, I've had a lot oflosses.
I had two second trimester,miscarriages, my husband lost
his dad.
10 years ago to cancer.
And so I've always been reallyopen.
(36:43):
somebody asked me, I just toldthem, just there was no sense in
trying to make myself look okay,or seem okay.
I just found it was better, tobe honest and say what happened.
Dr. Dean (36:56):
think that's great advice.
I'm sorry for all of your loss.
It's interesting because in someways you anticipated her death
for a very long time and ofcourse it was still very
shocking and surprising.
Heather Mercer (37:10):
Again, you don't expect at 36, that somebody's
not going to be there anymore.
And especially, 36 new baby.
you expect that they're going tobe there and get to see their
kids grow up.
Dr. Dean (37:25):
So what are some of your favorite memories with
Melissa?
Heather Mercer (37:30):
we lived next door to our cousins, and growing
up until I graduated highschool, and The movie Annie, I
think, had just come out and wewould reenact Annie and Melissa
was the youngest of the five ofus and so she always got
assigned the role of, Sandy thedog.
Dr. Dean (37:48):
Oh, the dog.
Sandy, the dog.
Heather Mercer (37:57):
I was asking my kids and my husband, their
memories too.
So my kids always remember they,they brought up, going to the
Lego store with her.
And, this is, this was tied inwith Christmas.
And so it was a big thing.
And, she always made sure thatthey got the mini figures and
they always got to do the pick abrick.
And they always, justeverything, it was just this big
to do for her.
but.
My husband, and I wrote thisdown myself and then laughed
(38:19):
when I asked my husband what hisnumber was, is early in our
marriage.
So my husband and I got marriedin our early 20s, and so Melissa
was 17.
She's a junior in high schooland she'd come over and hang out
with us.
And so I took her and my husbandgrocery shopping with the one
day and they were walking aroundlike Walmart or something,
(38:40):
clucking like chickens.
While I'm trying to grocery shopand so So I pretended I didn't
know them and I went out of mybusiness But it this carried on
for a very long time that theykept clucking like chicken and
they Both her and my husbandjust really enjoy, making people
laugh and So it was pretty parfor course We shared trips to
(39:06):
the zoo we would meet up there,it was a halfway point for us
and she'd bring my mom and wejust walk around with the kids.
I realized that my youngest,because he was born in 2017, he
was just too young to rememberanything pre COVID, any of those
trips pre COVID.
And then, now, That's justsomething I'm not interested in
(39:27):
taking the kids and doingmyself.
and he looked at me and goes,Mom, I haven't even seen a
giraffe, I was like, yes, youdid, but you were like six
months old.
we would do that.
I mentioned she wanted to bethere for the birth of my
youngest child.
it was very special.
I had, advocated for myself tohave a VBAC, which is the
vaginal birth after C section.
(39:47):
I actually had two C sectionsprior.
so I had the same doctor thatshe had when she gave birth to
her And, he was just fantasticin managing.
I, Hard cases.
it went from I was not laboringat all to I suddenly was
matching a room over where thelady was like ready to give
birth.
(40:07):
It was so strange, like ourcharts were matching each other.
And then, They had to call himin and, they, my mom and sister
called my husband and they werelike, Hey, we're getting out in
the parking lot.
He said, the baby will be hereby the time, you make it here.
And that was pretty typical formy mom and my sister.
They relate for everything.
They'd call me, they'd say I'mon the way, it's an hour and a
half to my house and three hourslater, they're finally there
(40:29):
because they had to makemultiple stops to pick up things
that they remembered on the way.
We, all of our kids are May,June babies.
So we just would do this bigjoint celebration.
and we would never really do abig birthday party, but we, made
sure we all had cake togetherand, open presents and stuff.
(40:50):
those are the highlights.
I remember getting her readyfor, I believe prom.
And, The dress that she wore toprom was the bridesmaid dress
for my wedding.
mentioned she was a drummer inhigh school, the marching band
stuff and the uniforms.
And, she went to the high schoolof our hometown.
so it was a big to do for, herto be in band and the band, at
(41:13):
least.
Honorary people enjoyed, theband, where most places band got
a bunch of geeks, or was
Dr. Dean (41:26):
Do you find ways that you stay connected with her now?
Obviously through the kids, but
Heather Mercer (41:31):
she, loved clothes.
And, I find that, where I was alittle bit more.
Not prints or not, loud colorsor whatever.
I'm adding those things a littlebit more.
my glasses, I picked a pair ofridiculous looking glasses that
I wouldn't have typicallychosen.
Dr. Dean (41:48):
The ones you have on?
Heather Mercer (41:49):
yes, they have flowers in the frames, which
before I would only get like aplain.
and then my, I have drivingglasses because I have really
terrible night vision.
and those are like, bright redand polka dots.
And my kids said they look likeMinnie Mouse.
And I was like, but I wanted themost ridiculous pair..
her name, Melissa, meanshoneybee.
And I'm just really drawn tothings that have honeybees on
(42:09):
them.
my neighbors have bees, so weend up with honeybees in our
yard all the time.
I was look at you, and then theearrings that I'm wearing are,
were hers.
they're honeybee earrings.
and So I've just added things inthe way that I dress that, I
would have gone with plain hoopsor, whatever.
And now I've got little donutearrings in, letting that side
of her, shine through me.
Dr. Dean (42:32):
Thank you for that.
Thank you for sharing so muchabout her and your loss and I
really enjoyed our conversationas well today.
Heather Mercer (42:42):
I appreciate appreciate what you do.
Dr. Dean (42:45):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for listening.
Our theme song was written byJoe Mylward and Brian Dean and
was performed by Fuji Sounds(feat.
MYLWD.).
If you would like moreinformation on The Broken Pack™,
go to our website,thebrokenpack.
com.
Be sure to sign up for ournewsletter, Wild Grief™, and to
learn about opportunities andreceive exclusive information
(43:05):
and content, as well as grievingtips for subscribers.
Information on that, our socialmedia and on our guest can be
found in the show notes whereveryou get your podcasts.
Please like, follow, rate,subscribe, and share.
Thanks again.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.