November 15, 2023 • 52 mins
Kassy’s Sibling Loss Story: Untimely, Unexpected, and Heartbreaking Circumstances
In this episode, Dr. Dean speaks with Kassy Bowes about losing her younger sister, Rheanna, due to abdominal sepsis as a complication from a medical intervention. Listen as Kassy shares how losing her 19-year-old sister , Rheanna, shattered her world, challenged her beliefs in the afterlife, and how finding connection with Rheanna has helped her move with her grief.
Content Warning: Information presented in this episode may be upsetting to some people. It contains talk of substance use, mental health stigma, and abortion.
If you believe you are witnessing an overdose, call 911 or your country’s emergency number immediately even if you are administering Narcan.
If you are in the US and would like support for yourself or someone else with substance use, suicidal thoughts, or other topics discussed in this episode, please call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or Text your 5-digit ZIP Code to 435748 (HELP4U) or call a warmline. For more immediate crisis call 911, 988, or go to the nearest emergency room.
In the USA an updated directory of warmlines by state can be found at https://warmline.org/warmdir.html
A warmline directory for trained peer supports in over 20 countries can be found at https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines (some of these may be hotlines)
DISCLAIMER FOR THIS EPISODE
The Broken Pack exists to provide a platform for adult survivors of sibling loss to share their stories and to be heard. The views expressed by guest are those of the guest speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast host or the Broken Pack organization.
The Broken Pack acknowledges that the topic of abortion is polarizing and understands that different individuals hold varying viewpoints on the issue. The podcast host does emphasizes that the purpose of the episode is to focus on the guest speaker's experience as a sibling loss survivor.
If you would like more information or to share your own adult sibling loss story, please contact me, Dr. Angela Dean, at contact@thebrokenpack.com or go to our website, thebrokenpack.com.
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Thank you!
Angela M. Dean, PsyD, FT
Credits:
The Broken Pack™ Podcast is produced by 27 Elephants Media
"If Tomorrow Starts Without Me" © ℗ 2023, 2024
Written by Joe Mylward and Brian Dean
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Dean (00:12):
Hello and welcome to the Broken Pack, a podcast
focused on giving adultsurvivors of sibling loss, a
platform to share their storiesand to be heard.
Something that many sibling losssurvivors state that they never
have had.
Sibling Loss is Misunderstood™.
The Broken Pack exists to changethat and to support survivors.
(00:32):
I'm your host, Dr.
Angela Dean.
In today's episode, I had thepleasure of speaking with Cassie
about losing her sister Rihannaunexpectedly to a rare infection
resulting from complicationsfrom a medical procedure that
shattered her world.
Listen to see how she's doingnow and what advice she has for
us.
(01:00):
Welcome to the show, Kassy.
I was wondering if you wanted tointroduce yourself.
Kassy Bowes (01:04):
Of course.
Yeah.
so my name's Kassy, I grew up inNewmarket, Ontario, Canada.
I moved down to Niagara toactually go to school.
and then I met my now husbandand I never went back home after
that.
I'm 28, I have two dogs, I'mactually a social worker for the
school board.
(01:24):
I'm a school counsellor, I justcame back from our honeymoon a
few weeks ago, so just freshlymarried.
Dr. Dean (01:30):
Well, congratulations.
Kassy Bowes (01:32):
Thanks.
Dr. Dean (01:33):
I have questions about how losing your sister affected
that, but I will hold off
Kassy Bowes (01:37):
Yes, definitely did.
Dr. Dean (01:39):
before we talk about the devastating loss of losing
your sister, Rihanna, I waswondering what you wanted our
listeners to know about her.
Kassy Bowes (01:46):
Oh, there's so much to say about her.
She was just so young andvibrant.
She was only 19 years old whenshe passed.
we were eight years apart in ageand we were total polar
opposites, like not the samewhatsoever.
in terms of caring so much aboutpeople were the same, but she
just took on that role in awhole new level.
She just wore her heart on hersleeve, loved others.
(02:07):
So much so unconditionally, andI remember one time she actually
came home from school cryingbecause she couldn't believe
someone had called her friendfat and she was just like
bawling her eyes out because shejust couldn't believe how
someone could be so cruel.
yeah, she was just an incredibleperson, very quirky, very odd,
would always make thesedifferent mannerisms and sayings
(02:30):
and oh, she was just, she washilarious.
She was such a joy to be around.
Dr. Dean (02:35):
Yeah.
Well, thank you for sharing thatabout her.
What was your relationship likewith her?
Kassy Bowes (02:40):
it was different.
It was definitely not a typicalsibling relationship, and that's
why I wanted to come and sharemy story on here because our
relationship was very different,with such a big age gap between
us.
There was almost nine yearsapart in age and so I felt like
our role.
It was more like a motherdaughter type relationship,
especially that our mom wasalways working shift work all
(03:01):
the time and not mentally wellherself.
So It was just us against theworld, just the two of us.
And it grew very much into meprotecting her all the time.
And so rather than having thisrelationship where she could
come and tell me everything, shewas very hesitant on doing so
because she always feared ofdisappointing me.
And I, of course, I never wantedher to feel like that, but
(03:22):
that's just what ourrelationship was because she
just valued what I thought sodeeply.
And, I was in the delivery roomwhen she was born, I was eight
years old, right there, frontcenter, it was just, it was such
a weird thing to, Be in thatroom during her delivery and
then at the same time being atthat exact same hospital being
(03:42):
by her side when she died, itwas just, I couldn't, I just
couldn't believe it.
I, when I was standing there, Iwas just like, this can't be,
this can't be happening rightnow.
But yeah, it was just very muchme always looking out for her
and trying to protect her andtrying to help guide her in the
right direction.
At times we butt heads because,at the end of the day, I wasn't
her mom, and unfortunately, likeour mom wasn't able to care for
(04:04):
us in the way that she shouldhave.
So I felt the need that I had totake on that role, but it was
always that battle, okay, but atthe end of the day, you're not
my parent.
It was a struggle.
And the last two years of herlife, it was rocky because
that's when she was becoming anadult and wanted to take the
reins a little bit of her ownlife and make her own mistakes.
And I'm just like trying to tellher look out for the red flags.
(04:25):
I didn't want her falling downthe same path.
as our mom and her dad, I just,I really feared for that.
So I just.
I tried to grab the reins andhold them as tight as I could,
and that caused a little bit ofa strain on our relationship,
unfortunately, It was reallyhard to navigate that
relationship as she got older,because she was making some
decisions about her life thatweren't ideal, but at the end of
(04:47):
the day, I knew I had to sitback and let her make those
decisions on her own because shewas her own person.
So it was a challenge.
It was a challenge, ourrelationship, but I loved that
little girl more than anythingin the whole world.
I always say she's my wholeworld.
I have, I have birthdaytattooed, on my chest and I did
that when she was alive.
I put it above my heart becauseshe was my everything, my heart,
(05:07):
my world.
And, yeah, it's just losing herwas the ultimate nightmare of my
life.
Dr. Dean (05:14):
it sounds like in a lot of ways you had the parental
role and still a sibling.
So a little bit complicated, I'mguessing from a grief
perspective, but also just therelationship sounds complex.
Kassy Bowes (05:27):
Yeah, that's what I wanted.
I wanted that siblingrelationship so bad.
And I used to tell her like.
I remember we had this niceheart to heart, finally, when we
all broke it all down, and itwas before she passed.
I was like, why?
Why do you tell our mom, out ofall people, everything, and you
hide everything from me?
You tell her what you'reinvolved in, or what you're
doing, or who you're dating,and...
(05:47):
She's cause I don't care what, Idon't care what she thinks.
I don't care what our momthinks.
Cause she doesn't care what I'mdoing.
So I don't care to tell her, shegoes, but you're the person I'm
most fearful of disappointing.
I don't want to disappoint you.
And so I just, I finally gave myhead a shake a little bit and
realizing Oh my gosh, this iswhat a parent feels like, this
is what it must feel like to bea parent, to not know what's
(06:08):
going on in your child's life,because They don't want to
disappoint you.
Dr. Dean (06:12):
So if you were eight years older, what was your
childhood like with her?
Kassy Bowes (06:16):
It was different, She always wanted to hang out
with me at all times.
And of course, I was growing upand wanting to hang out with
friends.
But, we always had this thingwhere, at the end of the day,
when it was all said and done,my friends would leave.
it would just be the two of us.
We'd hang out together.
We'd play like just dancesometimes, or I'd take her to
the park.
But my favorite moments that,I'll take with me forever is, at
(06:38):
night, in the middle of thenight, I'd go and I'd sneak into
her room and I'd, I, even whenwe shared her room I'd, this,
when she was two, I would takeher out of her crib and put her
in bed with me.
Or we would hold each other andsleep in bed together.
I did this even when she gotolder when I was in high school.
I said, Hey, do you want to comesleep in my room?
And she's like, yeah.
So she'd come and tiptoe in herlittle pajamas and come and
crawl into bed with me.
And we'd have this littlesleepover and, I miss that.
(07:00):
I still feel like I can smellher sometimes.
It's so surreal.
And that's just what we didevery night.
She'd come and like sleep in myroom or, I'd always have the
same movie, playing over andover again, because this is
before streaming.
Before streaming existed and Iwould just always have to have
noise on at night I could neversleep with no noise.
So it was always the same movieplaying over and over again, but
(07:22):
Yeah, It was different growingup like she wanted to hang out
with me so much and of courselike me being a teenager not
making the best choices myself.
I didn't want her being aroundthat.
I was very protective on whatshe saw.
and what she saw me involved in.
I always made a promise that Iwould never let my sister see me
do something that we witnessedgrowing up.
So I was very protective of thatand she was aware of that.
(07:44):
but I wanted to protect her asmuch as I could.
And at the end of the day, Idon't know if that was more
damaging than not.
But, I did whatever I could toprotect her from the world.
Dr. Dean (07:54):
It sounds like, even the story about her, coming to
your bedroom, that you were hersafe space, but I also heard in
that, that she was a lot of yoursafe space as well.
Kassy Bowes (08:05):
Tremendously, I've been in therapy for a long time,
especially after she passed.
And that's exactly what mytherapist even said herself.
She knows like she was thatperson that you needed when you
were a kid.
And so it was.
Like, that comfort, thatnurture, and that's what we were
to each other, But even at theend of the day when we would
fight or, I wouldn't likesomething that she was doing,
(08:26):
she would still call me and tellme, hey, this is what's going on
with mom, or...
she always just like at the endof the day, we still always had
each other
Dr. Dean (08:34):
Thank you for sharing all of that.
What would you like to shareabout losing her?
Kassy Bowes (08:42):
other than like what many people have spoke to
on here It's just that it was ahorrendous loss and everyone
tries to measure grief In a wayof that relationship to that
person, oh, well, nothing's likelosing a daughter.
Nothing's like losing a child,like a child or a parent or
anything like that.
And they all want to compare thegrief that they feel.
(09:03):
Our mom did that a lot when shepassed.
Well, you don't know how itfeels to lose a daughter.
And I was like, Okay, but itdoesn't matter the relationship,
the importance of that person tothat person is what matters, I
don't know why we have tocompare grief or say that one's
hurting more than the other.
Losing that person is just,regardless of the relationship,
it was so intense, and I don'tthink that it should be compared
(09:25):
because it's the importance thatperson had to you and, She was
just an incredible person and itwas such a sudden death,
something that we neverexpected.
it was just like, I got a phonecall all of a sudden it was our
mom and she's like, I just got aphone call from the hospital
saying your sister's in the ICU.
And I was like, really shockedby that because I was like, what
do you mean?
Like, what do you mean the ICU?
(09:46):
Like, what happened?
and I just panic started to setin.
And everything just started tounravel a little bit.
When we found out what happened,and what happened was, is she
wasn't just in the ICU, She wentinto cardiac arrest for 28
minutes.
It was a long time that she wasunder cardiac arrest in the
hospital.
And this is where we started tofigure out, because we were
like, how did this happen?
How did all of a sudden, thisperfect, healthy, vibrant 19
(10:09):
year old little girl just befull of abdominal sepsis?
just completely, full ofinfections?
The more that we started to talkto doctors and when we looked at
her medical records afterwards,we later found out that there
was a link, through the,abortion pill.
We knew just a couple of daysprior to her being in the ICU
that she had had abortion.
And she had one and it was amedical abortion.
(10:30):
So now there's like this new,not new, but like it's newer
type of abortion rather than atypical D& C, and it's called a
medical abortion and it's used,you just take a pill and you
could take it early on in thepregnancy if you catch it
earlier.
Statistics like one in threewomen in Canada alone go and get
abortion.
So this is not something that'slike uncommon.
This is a very common thingthat, that women have access to
(10:53):
here in Canada.
And my sister took it uponherself to, to make that
decision all on her own and say,you know what?
I'm not ready to have a baby at19, especially because she was
in a very, toxic, abusiverelationship.
And she was just like, I can'tdo this and made that decision
on her own.
But again, So fear of the stigmadisappointment that we might
have towards her when we didfinally find out She was
(11:17):
experiencing some complicationsand some pain She was going to
the hospital, but they werechecking her out and just
sending her home She went threetimes and the second time she
went by ambulance and they stillsent her home but they sent her
home with a bottle of highlyaddictive pain medication, which
I just think is wild.
And I know that's a common thingthat doctors can do these days.
(11:38):
Then 24 hours later she cameback in full-blown sepsis and
just dying.
And then, and it just, ithappens so, so rapidly And once
that onset of sepsis occurs, youonly have so many hours before
it can kill you.
It was crazy hearing this all onthe phone, like, how did this
transpire from her just gettingchecked out, making sure
everything's okay, to now, like,she went into cardiac arrest due
(12:00):
to the sepsis.
Dr. Dean (12:01):
mm-Hmm.
Kassy Bowes (12:02):
I just couldn't believe that something that is
so easily accessible andsomething that, a lot of women
in Canada take part in, thatthis could happen to her, like a
19 year old little girl.
So there's still so manyquestions I have about
surrounding this and whathappened, and there's so much
uncertainty with the results ofwhat transpired after her
medical records.
It was hard to detect, exactlywhat that infection was, but a
(12:24):
lot of them guessed that it wasdue to this rare infection that
can occur by taking this pill.
It's a really rare infection,and It's proven almost fatal and
only one woman has actually eversurvived from it.
It's a different kind of sepsis.
You don't get a fever.
So really her only symptoms thatshe had was a high heart rate
and low blood pressure.
(12:44):
Even her blood work, everythingwas normal the second day she
came in.
And then completely a 180 whenshe came in 24 hours later.
They couldn't believe howdrastic her levels had changed
from when she came in last.
She went downhill really fastThere's so many questions I
have, that still haunt me andsit with me to this day and it's
Why didn't she call anyone?
(13:04):
Like, why didn't she, why didn'tshe call any of us and tell us,
this was happening to her?
She didn't call, myself or ourmom or anything.
She just tried to deal with thisall on her own.
And it was during COVID, so noone was there to advocate on her
behalf.
And it was just, it was tragic.
It was just horrible the waythat everything happened.
And she was alone.
She was alone in that hospitalwhen all this was happening.
(13:26):
And no one was really explainingto her what was happening to
her.
There was no general saying Hey,honey, like you have sepsis.
You should probably call someoneand tell someone because this is
very serious.
And I just felt like thatmessage wasn't given to her in
any sort of way so that shecould make that decision.
Because I just, I keep sittingthere thinking I hate that I was
(13:47):
there when she was already in acoma.
I hate that I didn't have anylast words or talk to her.
It kind of leads into the guilt.
I still feel this guilt becauseher and I were.
of course, bickering about, hermaking these decisions and
staying in this relationshipwith this awful person that was
just not good to her.
And, so I sit there going thesewere my last words to her.
(14:07):
her and I arguing and hertelling me, you need to let me
make my own decisions and if itbackfires on me.
So be it.
Those were her last words to me,and they'll haunt me forever, I
hate that I wasn't there beforeshe went unconscious to talk to
her, and tell her how much Iloved her, and I know she knew
that, and I know, sitting back,looking at that, I know she knew
that, but, It was very hard to,to deal with and accept that
(14:30):
those were our last words toeach other.
Dr. Dean (14:33):
It sounds like you didn't know the medical abortion
was happening.
Kassy Bowes (14:37):
Yeah, we knew afterwards what it was.
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (14:40):
The words she said to you was that related to
decisions about her relationshipwith her partner?
yea yea
Kassy Bowes (14:47):
I said, just give me a year, come live with us She
was from Toronto area.
That's where we grew up.
But I lived in Niagara, and Isaid, come live with us, We
bought a house recently, thatyear, come live with us for a
year, if you want to go back, ifyou want to be with him, then by
all means go back, even sixmonths, I said, just come down
here, don't have to pay foranything, you can come to
school, not come to school, justgive it a chance, I wanted to
(15:09):
get her away from that life thatwe grew up living.
It was a rough neighborhood thatwe grew up in.
Our family wasn't the greatest.
I just wanted to get her awayfrom that and see the potential
that she had to just live agreat, extraordinary life.
When you grow up in homes thatare toxic and there's a lot of
domestic violence and stuff likethat, we tend to be drawn to and
be attracted to relationshipsthat remind us of that.
(15:30):
and I just, I feel like that'swhat happened with her.
She got really pulled intothinking that's what felt most
comfortable for her.
And that's what she wanted.
And she was a helper.
She wanted to help save people.
That's the kind of person shewas.
And I feel guilty cause I'mlike, if I maybe bought my house
a year sooner before she metthis person, maybe she would
have come and lived with me.
Maybe I could have gotten heresooner.
(15:51):
Maybe I could have donesomething to prevent this from
happening.
And I go over this storyline inmy head all the time.
I find myself getting stuckthere and living in this fantasy
of what life could have beenlike if she had just come down
here.
mm hmm
Dr. Dean (16:06):
So that what if game that you're playing, let's
normalize that we've all donethat to some extent.
Especially, I think, many of us,not all of us, but many of us
have done that with sibling lossfor sure.
Are there things that you wishshe had known about that support
that you could have offered orthat advocacy that you are
wishing you would have been ableto do?
Kassy Bowes (16:27):
I mean she definitely knew there was always
a place for her always.
I always had a room here and shealways came to visit and when we
bought her house She came tovisit and I just I noticed that
after she met this guy that shewas with, I started losing who
she was.
She'd come down here and shewouldn't want to hang out with
us, she'd just want to sitoutside and smoke weed the whole
(16:47):
time and that just wasn't, thatjust wasn't like her, that
wasn't like my sister and, Shealways knew how to have a good
time and have fun, but she'dalways want to hang out with my
husband and I and we'd go and dostuff like go karting and
golfing and go on all these funadventures.
I started to lose the piece ofher that wanted to do all those
fun things.
I started to not recognize whoshe was and I tried my best to
hold onto what she was and makeher realize that she was just
(17:10):
such a good person and she hadso much to offer to the world,
and she was just getting stuckwith this group of people you
become the five people you hangaround with the most like that
saying it's just that and shewas hanging around with people
that just weren't, didn't havereal goals in life and kind of
just wanted to stay doing whatthey were doing.
It was tough.
It was tough to watch thatunfold and watch that happen.
(17:31):
And I knew that was due largelyto what happened with the
pandemic, a lot of kids losttheir drive and wanting to do
something.
It really has had a huge effect.
on youth.
with all that kind of togetherinterweaved, it was just, I was
losing my sister and, and losingthe relationship that we had.
It was, yeah, it was reallyhard.
Dr. Dean (17:53):
What year did she die?
Kassy Bowes (17:56):
2022.
Dr. Dean (17:57):
Okay.
So, still the pandemic.
I think your limitations on thepandemic were longer
Kassy Bowes (18:03):
We were shut down.
Yeah, we were shut down for along time, like on and off, like
shut down for a very long time.
she didn't have a grade 12graduation, didn't have an 18th
birthday, so I had to throw alittle mini party for her just
on her own because she didn'tget to have any of that.
Dr. Dean (18:19):
right.
Where are you with grieving now?
I mean, it's not been that long.
Kassy Bowes (18:24):
No, Honestly, I cry still every single day.
I don't think that'll ever, I,people say it'll fade and people
say you'll be less sad, but Man,like, when it first happened, I
just thought, like, how is life,ever even gonna, am I ever even
gonna laugh again?
Am I ever gonna laugh?
Am I ever gonna smile?
And then when I would laugh, I'dfeel guilty.
(18:44):
And, even still, I'll be doingsomething and enjoying myself
and then, it'll click.
Rheanna's not here.
This is not okay.
I shouldn't be having fun.
I shouldn't be living a lifewithout her.
I'm still very much in it.
I'm very much right in themiddle of it.
And it's been a lot of back andforth.
some days I just, it's reallyhard for me to even want to
function.
And and then other days it'sokay.
(19:05):
But.
It's like a part of me doesn'twant it to be okay.
I don't want it to get better.
I feel like by not beingdebilitating upset about it,
that she's now drifting furtherfrom my memory or that she's
drifting further away from meand that time is passing by
faster and faster.
I do that I get stuck sometimesin the future and I can't
believe because of how young shewas I'm gonna spend more of my
(19:26):
life missing her than knowingher because of how young she was
and I'm going to be it's goingto be a really rude awakening
when that day finally comes.
It's going to be crazy because Iwould have missed her longer
than she's been alive.
I get stuck in these awfulthinking traps all the time.
and I'm still very much in it.
I'm very much in the thick ofit.
I go to counselling, onmedication because I was on
(19:48):
medication even before shepassed, but, and I was going to
try to start coming off of it.
And then, of course, when shepassed, I was like, nope.
that's not happening.
and it was very hard.
And it's, It's, I don't thinkpeople talk about it enough, but
the own mental health thathappens to us, suicidal
ideation, like, all that stuff,it was very intensive when she
(20:08):
first died, because I was like,that, she was my everything.
She was I always say, my world,she was my world, and she was
just, gone, just like that.
I used to have nightmares, evenbefore she passed, about her
dying, because it was just, Ihad such a fear of losing her,
because she was everything.
And at the beginning, it wasvery difficult, I didn't trust
(20:29):
myself driving, I couldn'tlisten to music.
It was so much I couldn't do, I,even podcasts that I loved
listening to, to help distractmy mind, I listened to murder
podcasts, and that was not agood idea, because then I, my
nightmares merged with thepodcast, and then it was just
awful, I was having terriblenightmares about serial killers
kidnapping her and killing herand it was just oh, it was
horrible.
(20:49):
So I was like, I can't even dothat.
So now I'm just sitting in thiscar driving with nothing on no
music.
Just like Nothing and justthinking about her and it was
very hard.
I managed to get through thosefirst critical few months
because I didn't feel safe withmyself at times, cuz I just I
couldn't imagine living in aworld where she wasn't in it,
(21:11):
I'm at a good place now, but
Dr. Dean (21:13):
yeah.
You brought up a good pointaround.
I think you said feeling lesssad or something along those
lines, and I don't know ifthat's necessarily what happens.
There's an internet meme thatdraws this where it's grief is a
black ball and then that staysthe same but the jar gets
bigger.
And I think the idea is that welearn to live with the grief,
(21:37):
and it has its place but itstays painful.
Of course.
Kassy Bowes (21:40):
yeah, and It's weird because then it's am I
ever going to be like, I don'tthink I'll ever, I think I can
be the same person after a losslike that but I feel like, will
I ever be able to fully enjoythings being in the back of my
mind all the time.
That's not fair, that she's nothere and that she's not doing
this or that she's not able toget married one day or have kids
or, be an aunt to my husband andI's future kids.
(22:02):
And those are all little thingsthat I'm so sad and upset that
she's going to miss out on.
It's just, every happy moment inlife that I have to come or
every milestone, there's justgoing to be this tiny black
cloud over it.
It's always just going to bethere in the background, like
it's always dark cloud.
Yeah, it's just, it's the kindof thing that I don't wish upon
(22:22):
on anybody.
Dr. Dean (22:23):
Right.
What was it like to be at yourwedding without her there?
Kassy Bowes (22:27):
It was hard.
We were right in the middle ofplanning our wedding when she
passed and, I actually had mywedding dresses.
fitting for her to come and joinme and she had it booked in her
calendar and she was so excitedto come to it.
Even on that day, I was just abawling mess.
I was crying my eyes out and wasjust a very heavy emotional day
and then my now husband said tome, I have an idea of how we can
(22:49):
honour her at our wedding and Iwanted to be very careful on how
we did this because I I alreadywas so like deep in my grief and
of course I would, if I could,I'd memorialise my whole wedding
to her, like I really, because Iwas so in it.
I wanted to be very careful onhow I did it because I didn't
want it to be a memorial for mysister at our wedding, so it had
to be done right and it has tobe done in essence of her.
(23:09):
So husband said, I still thinkwe should buy a bridesmaid dress
for your sister.
I still think we should haveone.
And, I had a guy stand in mywedding and he was in my
sister's life since she was ababy.
and he was going to walk herdown the aisle.
That was always the plan.
So instead, he would then walkher dress down the aisle and
hang it, at the end of mybridesmaid row.
(23:31):
And there was a chair with apole up the back for the dress
to be hung.
And on the chair, it was apicture of her and a bouquet of
flowers that I got for her, asmaller bouquet.
And that's the way I honored herand had the dress walked down.
It was very beautiful and, itwas just done right.
But that day when I woke up, Itwas crazy because it was
(23:52):
actually stormy a little bitoutside and I'm like, oh my
gosh, no rain, please no rain.
It's outside.
I don't want it to rain.
And it rained just like a tinylittle bit.
It was like a sprinkle of rainand my bridesmaid said to me
it's your sister crying becauseshe can't be there.
And, it's just her shedding atear to let you know that she's
sad that she's not there, butthen she brought the sunshine
(24:12):
and it was hot, very hot,beautiful sun, and everyone
said, that's your sister, that'sher, it was her showing you that
she was sad she couldn't bethere, but she was going to make
it a perfect day for you.
It was just hard, and I thoughtabout her a lot, and I did
mention her a little bit in mythank you speech and, but again,
I try not to do too much becauseI know it's a sensitive topic
for people.
People don't really know how totake that and how to receive
(24:35):
something like that, especiallylosing someone so young like
that.
People get so awkward inconversations when I talk about
her, but all I want to do, all Iwant to do is talk about her.
I love talking about her, evenif I'm crying, it's okay, I
don't mind as long as it doesn'tmake the other person
uncomfortable.
I want to talk about her all thetime because I never want anyone
to forget her and not know whatshe was like.
Dr. Dean (24:57):
Well, it sounds like it was, a beautiful way to honor
her.
Yeah.
I wonder how much you hold backfrom talking about her if people
feel uncomfortable.
Kassy Bowes (25:06):
it's hard.
I'm definitely an open book.
I'll bring her up at any pointand you can tell people will get
a little awkward about it.
And I just, I name it.
I'm like, look, I know this isan uncomfortable conversation
and I know people get reallyawkward by this.
And honestly, you don't need togive me any advice to make me
feel better.
That's not what I'm looking for.
You could just say to me, thatreally sucks.
And that's all you need to tellme.
(25:27):
and that's that's enough.
and I think for me, like I'venever had such a deep loss like
this.
So even in my own practice as asocial worker, now it's you
almost think about all the timesthat maybe you put your foot in
your mouth before sayingsomething to someone and you
don't realize that it can comeoff as not arrogant or rude, but
just not what that person needsto hear at that time, Because
grief is just different,especially therapy with grief.
(25:49):
The therapy's not there to help.
fix everything and fix this.
it's more just like helping younavigate through this.
There's nothing that's going totake this pain away.
Like it's so intensive.
It's especially right in thebeginning, no amount of therapy
can lessen that pain.
It is such a intense pain thatyou have to just get through and
just be in it and it's you needto do whatever you have to at
(26:12):
that time to just to be in itand move through it.
It's so hard and it's sodifficult.
Those first six months, evenlonger, it's just, it's hard.
It's very, very hard.
I just wish that there was amagic wand.
Dr. Dean (26:27):
Well, thank you for that.
yeah, I wish there was too.
And I really appreciate thatperspective because I think
people do approach thisthinking, well, I have to fix
this.
You can't fix this unless youcan bring the person back.
Nobody can bring your sisterback.
Right.
Nobody can bring my brotherback.
That's just.
unfortunately, not how life anddeath work.
(26:48):
And I think grief therapy andgrief counseling play a role in
helping people learn to processand navigate that.
I'm curious though, becauseyou're in Canada and I don't
know as much about the Canadianhealthcare system other than
what I know from my relatives.
How does behavioral health ormental health work as far as
(27:08):
counseling and grief go?
Kassy Bowes (27:11):
it's not the best.
It's not the best.
It's it can definitely have lotsof room for improvement.
it's waitlists are long if youwant it covered, right?
So if you have work and you havebenefits and benefits to cover
the cost of private health careprivate practice it can go a
long way, but it is very, it'svery hard at getting a,
psychiatrist here or any otherkind of mental health support.
(27:34):
We're really actually lucky inNiagara.
We have, an association calledHospice Niagara.
They're truly wonderful.
And, people think, oh, hospice,it's only for families that have
dealt with a person that havepassed away from cancer, but no,
not at all.
It's, They offer grief supportfor anybody who's grieving
anybody.
it's individual, they havegroup, they have art therapy for
kids.
They've got walks, grief walksyou can do with a group of
(27:57):
adults.
And you get in really fast withthat organization because it's
just here in Niagara and theycall you back within a week or
two.
They're really great.
We do have a lot of greatresources here in the area.
I can't speak for much of whereelse in Ontario that we have,
but, it's hard.
It's hard to access, health careand mental health supports, when
health care is free.
(28:18):
Everyone says, Canada is sogreat because health care is
free and we don't have to payfor it.
But we pay for it in the longrun that you might die before
your appointment, before you getreferred to someone, The wait
lists are extraordinary long,even to get a family doctor,
it's a long wait list, And tome, at this point, I'd rather
just, and that's what I do.
I pay out of pocket for supportand it's sad because, that's not
(28:38):
equal for all who can't affordit.
And it's yeah.
That's an interesting powerdynamic that's happening here.
Dr. Dean (28:44):
What's interesting here in the U.
S.
where, we don't have the sametype of healthcare system, but
the wait lists are still verylong to get in for mental
health, and it's starting tohappen in other, medical domains
as well, that it's even withprivate insurance, you're still
waiting months
Kassy Bowes (29:02):
So it's happening everywhere.
I'm sure that has something todo with COVID.
Dr. Dean (29:05):
Oh, I hear.
Absolutely.
yeah, for
Kassy Bowes (29:07):
Yeah,
Dr. Dean (29:08):
I'm wondering if with the way that she died with the
abortion, if that has also addedto stigma or discussions with
people around avoiding talkingabout her death or her.
Kassy Bowes (29:19):
I mean it's to be honest like I think sometimes
it's me that even gets a littlebit hesitant on saying because
people always say Well, like howdid she die like 19?
Everyone wants to know like howdoes a 19 year old die and I say
that she died From abdominalsepsis and then depending on the
person and if I know their viewsI'll say but some people that I
know that have very ChristianCatholic backgrounds where I'm
(29:39):
like Yeah, she just had thisreally rare infection in her
stomach and I just try not tohave any more, leading questions
from that, but it is, it'salways a taboo subject, but at
the same time, I want to try andspread this awareness to as many
people as I can, because peopleneed to be aware of the signs,
people need to know, that thereare risks with taking this pill,
because it's being shown as thesafer method of having an
(30:03):
abortion, and I want people toknow that there are still risks
with these safer methods, quoteunquote, right?
I need people to know that thisis a real risk that can happen
and what things you need to lookfor and how you can advocate for
yourself in the healthcaresystem because being a woman in
general, and I, that's outsideof, the LGBT community and, the
black community and just so manyother, indigenous community,
(30:25):
how, we all just get treated notso well in the, in the
healthcare system.
As in even just a white woman,you can't, you're being labeled
as an hysterical woman orlooking for drugs or whatever
that may be.
It's really hard being a womanin a man's world, and
unfortunately all the doctorsthat my sister saw were men, and
they were just wanting to say,Oh, and I always told my sister
(30:46):
and I feel like, again, this wasthe thing I feel guilty for, but
I told her always be honest withmedical professionals.
You tell them if you're usingdrugs recreationally, tell them
how much you drink on a weeklybasis.
I said, you need to tell themall these things so they can get
an accurate assessment and knowhow to best treat you.
And, when I went, when I lookedat her medical stuff.
She's told them exactly.
(31:08):
Yes.
I use drugs recreationally.
And yes, I drink sometimes acouple of days occasionally
during the week.
And I almost felt like that dida disservice to her.
I almost felt like this doctorlooked at her and said, Oh, an
unresponsible teen girl who doesdrugs recreationally got an
abortion.
and now she's here looking forpain medication.
That's what I feel like happenedto her.
(31:29):
And, Because that's just,unfortunately, the stigma that
still strongly exists here, andI just feel like she wasn't
given a fair shot at treatment.
Dr. Dean (31:38):
Right.
And I think, here, with theoverturning of Roe v.
Wade in the U.
S., I think, people used to comefrom Canada to access abortion
because even though you haveaccess to it was easier to come
here to access abortion.
And now, in our news, evenyesterday, the day before
recording this, there wasinformation on the pill, And I
(32:00):
can't pronounce it, so I'm notgoing to try, the abortion
pills.
And so I think this couldpotentially, this information
and this loss of your sistercould be.
used, or the types of loss from,that she died from with this
infection could be used oneither side to make a case.
And I don't want this episode tobe that because I really want,
to focus on what it's been likefor you to be a sibling loss
(32:23):
survivor.
Kassy Bowes (32:24):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (32:26):
regardless of that, but I was just, I was the stigma
around abortion is it's sopolarizing the topic of abortion
that,
Kassy Bowes (32:32):
It really is,
Dr. Dean (32:33):
sounds like it's affected you.
Kassy Bowes (32:34):
yeah.
Well, and it's just somethingthat I never, for me, it was
like, oh, you've always heardpeople going through this, and,
Women getting abortions and itwas never something that was oh,
this could be potentiallydangerous and actually hurt
someone, right?
so it was just, there still arejust risks with anything, like
risk with taking Advil, riskwith taking Tylenol.
there's always a risk, right?
It was just something that youjust don't expect.
Dr. Dean (32:57):
Yeah.
the argument then is There'salso a risk of having a baby of
But, and I'm again, not here toargue that
Kassy Bowes (33:04):
yeah, I know, right?
There's risks with everything.
Dr. Dean (33:06):
yeah, but what I also hear you saying is that you
weren't able to advocate for herbecause you didn't know.
There was such shame and shewasn't sharing that with you,
but in a different setting, itsounds like you would have been
there to help her advocate forherself.
And that's where I hear theguilt.
Kassy Bowes (33:24):
And that's the piece.
That's the guilt.
That's the piece that I just Ireplay in my head all the time
is if I could just go back andshe just told me I could have
went there I could have takenher to a different hospital or I
could have went there and Icould have advocated on her
behalf and I could have donethis and I couldn't done that
and it was just yeah it's justit's a vicious it's a vicious
game that you play with yourselfand that what if game is by far
(33:47):
the worst one it's I try to stopmyself from doing it because it
really does actually do moredamage and it hurts I do have
strategies that I use to try andhelp me through it.
Sometimes just crying it out isreally helpful for me.
And just being sad and lookingat videos and pictures of her
and just being in that momentwith her.
And that's sometimes what Ineed.
Other times it's being reallycrafty and making something or
(34:09):
doing something to honor her insome sort of way or making
something like I have all of herclothes from when she passed and
I'm learning how to quilt so Iwant to like make a quilt with
all of her clothes and dosomething and you know when we
have children I have all theseideas of how I want to
incorporate little things of herinto that and just always have
her be a part of our lives andthat our kids will always know
(34:31):
who their auntie Rihanna is orauntie Riri.
Her nickname was Riri.
I need them to know who she wasand that she was a great person
and that she would have been anincredible aunt.
so yeah, I just I try to takethat grief and I try to put it
into things that are good andthat would represent her.
I'm still learning it.
I'm still trying to figure itout.
And I know if I do too much,I'll burn out.
(34:52):
But, I'm always trying to findways to honour her.
And when she passed, we had hercremated.
so I actually had some of herashes made into jewellery for
all the family members and herclosest friends.
So I made sure, I did somethinglike that.
So I have a ring and her friendshave a necklace of her.
It's just something that alwayscarry us close and even on our
honeymoon I took some of herashes with me and I spread them
(35:14):
all over where we went on ourhoneymoon and all different
places And I just I do stufflike that in a way of helping me
cope through it and it reallydoes help
Dr. Dean (35:23):
Yeah, so I think that's important to continue
that relationship with her,right?
The continuing bond as it'ssometimes called.
And you're spot on as to letyourself feel that and find the
compassion around.
I'm just going to sit in thismoment because the what if isn't
going to help, right?
so that awareness
Kassy Bowes (35:40):
no, You've got a ride the wave Mm
Dr. Dean (35:42):
For sure.
And it's hard.
It's hard to ride the wave'causewe want to fix it ourselves.
We can't, but we want to.
Kassy Bowes (35:48):
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I talk to her all thetime.
It just helps I'll go outsideand I'll talk to the sky at
night when there's stars in thesky.
I really struggled with my ownbeliefs, you know prior to my
sister passing and I always grewup.
I always had a strong fear ofdeath it's always been something
that I've struggled with thatI've you know go to counseling
for and I always had a fear ofdeath and Then when she died it
(36:11):
was like, okay.
Well, what if there's nothingwhat if I never see her again?
That's it, lights out, that'sthe end of her and us, and it
was very hard for me to wrap myhead around, and I could no
longer sit in this belief thatthere was nothing after death,
and that's what I chronicallybelieved before is that there
was nothing and that's why Ifeared it so much.
(36:32):
But that was no longer an optionfor me when she passed because I
was like, this isn't this isn'thelpful for me.
I need to do something.
I need to believe in something.
I don't care what it is, but Ican't sit in this belief that
there's absolutely it's nothelping me on this grief
journey.
So even through counseling, ithelped, but it still wasn't
enough for me.
(36:53):
Like it, it just wasn't what Ineeded.
And so someone said, well, haveyou tried going to a medium?
And I have seen one before inthe past.
And, I did go to one When I goto these things, I make it
impossible for them to read me.
I cover everything up.
Sometimes I don't give them mylast name.
Like I make it impossible forthem, you know?
But, she said things that no onewould knew about my sister.
And people can take that forwhat it is and say that people
(37:13):
can twist things in a way.
But she said things that justwill stay with me forever.
And it gave me that littleglimmer of hope.
That there might be somethingand I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with believing in asliver of something.
Cause it has to be something.
Cause I can't live with thecomplete, belief that there's
nothing.
And there's been some crazysigns I've received from her
(37:35):
since passing.
Even on our wedding day.
So many things have happened andit just gives me a little bit of
hope that I can continue tocarry on with the hope that
we'll be together again, someway or in some shape way, or
form of energy, whatever thatmay be.
It's, it was just that littlething that I needed extra to
help me along with my journey.
(37:55):
and I do, I do say to anybody,if that's something that they're
open to doing, do it because itcan really help.
It can really help if that's, ifyou're really stuck in your
journey.
Dr. Dean (38:04):
You're a social worker with children?
Kassy Bowes (38:08):
Yes.
Yes.
Dr. Dean (38:09):
Has.
Your grief and loss changed howyou do your work?
Kassy Bowes (38:13):
Oh, especially with kids who have lost someone
themselves.
I just understand it a lotbetter.
It's weird.
Like when you hear about someonepassing or someone else losing
someone, you go, Oh my gosh,that's horrible.
You empathize with them, butreally until you're in it and
you go through something likethat, no, you really had no idea
what that person was feeling andwhat they were going through, no
(38:34):
measure whatsoever.
So yeah, you could feel bad forsomeone, but until you
experience it, It's just a wholeother level and it's just it's
made me feel a lot moreconnected To the students that I
work with and It's just it helpsme just be a better social
worker for them and help themnavigate through that and help
link them to services that theyactually might find helpful.
Rather than just saying, it'sokay, you'll get through it.
(38:57):
just hold on.
I'm able to better wrap my headaround how to best support them
and their family and connectingthem to the services that they
need that they might not be ableto ask for.
Dr. Dean (39:08):
Are there things that you wish people knew about
sibling loss that you had noidea until you experienced it?
Kassy Bowes (39:15):
I just didn't know, it would hurt this bad, but it
was just, I didn't realize, howmuch people want to always say,
well, how's the parents, and Iknow that's like a common thing
that I hear on here is that,siblings saying that, everyone's
always asking how the parentsare, but yet you're sitting
here, I lost someone reallyimportant too, and it was, you
definitely feel that.
And also, depending on whereyour relationship was with your
(39:36):
sibling, I didn't realize howquickly you have to plan things
when a person passes.
You're in so much pain, so muchphysical pain.
And it was like, okay, but youneed to do this.
You need to plan the funeral.
You need to hand in all theirdocuments.
You need to do all the stuffwith the government.
You need to close their bankaccount.
You need to do all these things.
And I'm like, this person justdied.
This person who was such animportant person to me just died
(40:00):
and now you're telling me I haveto do all of these things and I
have no time to even process anyof it.
it's just nope, you got to dothis.
Boom.
They're labeled deceased.
it's just it hasn't even set inyet that they're gone.
And here I am getting a deathcertificate for her, and it was,
I did, I played a huge role.
It was solely me that reallytook on that role of planning
(40:21):
the funeral and doing all thatbecause, our mom and her dad
just couldn't feasibly do that.
It was a lot of work that wentinto making this day.
special to honor her in the waythat she deserved.
And that was something that wasreally hard for me to do.
I wasn't prepared for by anymeans necessary.
and Everyone's like, you know,they have people that do that
like the funeral director, youcan just send them pictures and
they'll put together a littlething.
(40:42):
I'm like, no, they're not goingto do it.
They're not going to honor herproperly.
I need to be the one to do this.
And I just took on this.
and I think as much as it's alot, it can be really
therapeutic for anyone who'sgoing through something like
this, to take on such animportant responsibility and
planning that, it really helpedmove through it, because It gave
(41:03):
you something to do.
It gave you a purpose to givesomething so special to them.
And to honor them in the bestway possible.
So, if anyone out there has lostsomeone, try to stay busy in
that beginning period of doingsomething for them in memory of
them, because it does help.
Dr. Dean (41:18):
I would add to that, too.
For me, I was the one puttingtogether the slideshow, all the
pictures and whatever.
It one, gave me something to do,like you said, and it helped me
feel that connection that Isuddenly was like, I don't have.
it helped build a foundation forThat connection, like looking
through all the photos, And
Kassy Bowes (41:38):
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Her friends like sent meeverything.
Yeah.
Like you get everyone sendingyou everything, and just Seeing
her in all of her glory andwatching her just be her quirky
self and thank gosh for themliving in the digital times
where they videotapedeverything.
I had her friends sendinghundreds of videos and photos
and, those are things that I'mjust so thankful for because I
(41:59):
just sift through them all thetime.
If I want to be with her andjust sit with her, I just go
through those videos and they'rewho she was That was her
authentic self and it was justit's amazing to really see that
Dr. Dean (42:12):
Are there other things that you wanted to talk about
that we haven't talked about?
Kassy Bowes (42:16):
My heart goes out to anyone who's lost a sibling
out there because It is, it'sdifferent.
It's just so different in termsof the reaction you get from
people and work, can we justeven talk about work and how
they don't acknowledge, three, Idon't know about in the States,
how many, grief days you get,but it's measured based on your
relationship to that person.
What the hell is that?
Like, how is your days given toyou measured by your
(42:38):
relationship to that person?
yeah.
It just doesn't make any senseto me.
oh, if it's a husband or achild, you get five days.
Cause you know, five days,you'll be fine.
By five days after losing achild or husband, you'll be
okay.
And then for siblings, it'sthree days.
Like just to me, that's justlike absolutely insane.
I can't believe that's howthat's measured.
I think it should just be a onenumber for all, like one number,
(43:00):
just pick a number and yes,obviously people are going to
need to go beyond that ifneeded, which many do I don't
know, five days is not enough.
But at least it's just a numberthat doesn't have to compare
relationships to grief.
That's just not, I don't agreewith, I don't agree with that.
So that was, that needs change.
Dr. Dean (43:20):
Yeah.
Well, I've been recently lookinginto this around various
countries.
Is it in Canada?
And I don't remember, but inCanada, is that law, the
bereavement?
Leave?
Kassy Bowes (43:28):
I think like labor, like maybe it has to do with
labor laws.
It's a good question.
I know it's a standard foracross, a lot of works have it.
So I'm assuming there must besome kind of, Law in there that
states that.
That's actually very interestingthat I'd like to look into
myself because it's definitelyone that I feel like needs to be
reviewed because I don't thinkthat it should be measured based
on what family member it was toyou, like this tiered system.
Dr. Dean (43:53):
Here in the U.
S.
it is not law.
There is, I think, one or twostates where it is law, but
across the board, it's not law.
it's really by employer and ifyou're full time or part time or
benefits and various things.
And it is also more blanketed.
It's usually two to three days.
Now that's general,
Kassy Bowes (44:14):
Geez.
Dr. Dean (44:15):
in some places it is based on relationship.
I know that, Oregon has a lawand it is based on the
relationship and how many daysyou get based.
And as you're pointing out,that's ludicrous.
Kassy Bowes (44:26):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (44:27):
the fact that we're like three days or five days,
like we're talking, it'sludicrous.
Not even a year, for you?
Kassy Bowes (44:33):
yeah.
Dr. Dean (44:33):
you're still, you're always going to be grieving, but
it's still hard, right?
To go to work and function.
Kassy Bowes (44:40):
It helped going back to work.
it did help me.
And then that's a personalpreference.
I know everyone needs to handlethat, their own way.
And, for me, it gave mesomething to do and get my mind
off of thinking about her.
Cause all I was doing wasthinking about her all the time
from the moment I'd wake up tothe moment I go to sleep.
And yes, even when I was atwork, she'd pop up, of course,
but it gave me a sense ofpurpose, something to do every
(45:01):
day.
Cause then when summer came andI had the summer off, it was
awful.
It was terrible.
I was just sitting there in thatgrief.
I couldn't function.
I couldn't get out of bed.
I couldn't do anything.
It was worse being off.
And even though it's been ayear, this summer has been
really hard on me.
Anxiety has been increasing, thelow motivation has been kicking
in because I'm not doinganything.
I don't have a routine.
(45:21):
And every mental health expertcan say, we all rely on routine
and scheduling and purpose.
So when you don't have thatstructure or routine come
summer, you could really startto lose yourself and unravel a
little bit.
Dr. Dean (45:34):
Yeah.
For sure.
Before we wrap up, I'm wonderingif there's a couple favorite
memories that you wanted toshare.
Kassy Bowes (45:42):
Yeah, I have lots.
especially the one that Ihighlighted before about her
always coming to sleep in myroom, that's, that will always
be my most favorite.
But, other ones, I remember myfriend and I were in charge of
babysitting her for the nightand we duct taped her to a wall.
Dr. Dean (45:57):
Oh.
Kassy Bowes (45:58):
And she stayed up and she willingly was like,
yeah, duct tape me to a wall.
She was so pumped for it.
And I remember because when wetook the chair away that she was
standing on, she was like heldup on the wall with duct tape,
and she would, she just slowlystarted to peel off the wall,
and along with her came thepaint, and it was not good, and
(46:18):
we were in a lot of trouble, butthat was definitely one of my
top favorites and another onewould be when she was little,
Blue's Clues was really a thingand I did a whole Blue's Clues
adventure, She'd have to findBlue's paw prints all over the
house and find the clues tosolve the mystery or solve
whatever thing that I had goingon for her.
those are just some of thethings that I think of that we
did together that will alwaysstay in my memory and, she did
(46:41):
go through a period of time inhigh school where she was really
anxious, too anxious to go toschool.
and, our mom worked shift workand, she, she didn't have time
or energy or drive to reallywant to help her through that.
So I would get on the phone withher every single morning.
I'd coax her through it.
I talked to her and say you cando this.
I'd send her text messages everymorning.
(47:01):
and she'd be so anxious to thepoint where she'd be like sick,
like actually throwing up.
It was a really rough couple ofyears for her and we managed to
get her through that.
And she ended up graduating highschool on time and everything.
But it was a really hard timefor her.
And the reason why I say it'sone of my favorite memories Is
because like her and I justwe're able to share this
experience on a deeper level.
Cause I also experienced chronicanxiety.
(47:21):
And it was so nice to for us toshare this because no one knew
what it was like.
Our parents didn't know ordidn't understand.
And they just didn't have thepatience to help us through it.
So now that I was at a placewhere I could help her, I was
able to direct her and give herstrategies on how to deal with
it.
And I just remember we were on aplane coming back from Cuba, and
she was so sick and feelinganxious, and I just remember her
(47:43):
head was in my lap, and I wasjust brushing her hair, and I
just telling her it's okay, ifyou're gonna be sick, it's okay
if you're gonna be sick, and Iwas just helping her through it,
and Yeah, it was just, she waslike my little baby.
That's even when I said, whenshe was like, when I first came
into the room, when she was in acoma, I just, I dropped my knees
and I just kept saying my baby,my baby, that's that's my baby.
And I still to this day, that'swho she was to me.
(48:05):
She was my little baby that Ijust loved so, so, so, so much.
And, yeah, those memories I willtreasure forever.
And there's still so many morethat I could share, millions of
more.
Dr. Dean (48:15):
You can share as many as
Kassy Bowes (48:16):
but those are just some of my,
Dr. Dean (48:18):
I'd love to hear more
Kassy Bowes (48:19):
those are just some of my, yeah, she's just, she was
just so funny.
She was not afraid to be herselfat all.
was not ladylike whatsoever.
She was just so funny, wouldfart in public and not even
care, She was just that kind ofperson, Her friends, if they
listen to this, they'll laughbecause they know, that's just
who she was., She just, shedidn't care, and she was so
(48:42):
funny, and, She was just so likewild with her movements and make
all these funny sound effects.
And yeah, she's just She wassuch an old soul.
And I mean I didn't even Ididn't even mention this today
but she was really close withher dad's mom.
So we didn't have the same dad,but she was really close with
her nanny.
They had a very special bond herand her nanny and they were just
so so close Her nanny died sevendays, a week after she did.
(49:07):
Just massive heart attack.
Died, right after my sister did.
And, we all say, that was, itwas from a broken heart.
she didn't have a good heart tobegin with.
And that was just, the laststraw with her.
And, one thing I did say in myeulogy for her was just that,
Rheanna didn't have anyone upthere to watch out for her.
If there isn't up there, ifthere is a heaven, whatever that
may be, she doesn't have anyoneto watch out for.
But now, I feel a little bit ofcomfort knowing that she has her
(49:29):
nanny with her, a person thatshe just loved and adored so
much.
And it was wild because all thethings that my sister loved,
started disappearing or dyingafterwards.
Her cat passed away, right aftershe did too.
It was just such a weird thing.
It's like she took everythingthat was important to her with
her.
like the ones that she couldanyways.
She just took with her and...
Our dog passed away like beforeshe did a little bit, our family
(49:52):
dog, and it was just like, justwild that she just has all these
things that were precious to herand, but yeah, she was just such
a good kid.
She was such a good kid and itwas just really hard to see her
start to go down a path that wasjust not who she was, and it
was, I know it can happen.
You hear a family say it all thetime.
They were such a good kid.
I don't know what happened.
And they just started going downthis path, but she truly was
(50:13):
such a vulnerable person.
She was vulnerable to peoplehaving this influence on her.
I always worried about her as alittle girl because I was like,
man, you gotta be strong, yougotta be tough, you gotta stand
up to people, backbone, but shewasn't like that at all.
She would always shy away fromconflict.
She always just wanted to makeeveryone happy and was a people
pleaser.
She would never want to step onanybody's toes whatsoever.
(50:34):
That's just, wasn't her cup oftea.
And her best way was just toslide into the background of a
crowd, never wanted to be thecenter of attention.
And even I had a mini wake, Ihad a mini wake for her, just
me, our close family andfriends, and that was it.
And I just remember standingthere and I just remember saying
to the person next to me, and Ithink it was the first time that
I made a joke since she passed.
(50:56):
And I said, she would absolutelyfreaking hate this.
right now, she would justabsolutely hate that we are
standing here staring at herright now.
This is not what she would want.
I just I just said it out loud.
this is a terrible idea.
She would hate this.
And like, funerals really, atthe end of the day, I know
they're for the living.
They're not for the dead.
But I just, I couldn't help butthink that, She would absolutely
(51:17):
hate this.
she'd be like, oh my gosh, stoplooking at me right now.
But that's just who she was,right?
just never wanted to be thecenter of attention.
She was, she was a shy girl.
Dr. Dean (51:27):
Well, thank you for sharing.
I feel like I know a little bitmore about her or know her a
little bit.
So thank you so much.
And thanks for joining me
Kassy Bowes (51:35):
you're welcome.
Dr. Dean (51:37):
Thanks,
Kassy Bowes (51:37):
Angela
Dr. Dean (51:38):
You're welcome.
Thank you so much for listening.
Our theme song was written byJoe Mylwood and Brian Dean, and
was performed by Joe Mylwood.
If you would like moreinformation on the Broken Pack,
go to our website, the brokenpack.com.
Be sure to sign up for ournewsletter, Wild Grief, to learn
about opportunities and receiveexclusive information and
grieving tips for subscribers.
(52:00):
Information on that, our socialmedia and on our guests can be
found in the show notes whereveryou get your podcasts.
Please follow, subscribe, andshare.
Thanks again.
Hello and welcome to the Broken Pack, a podcast
focused on giving adultsurvivors of sibling loss, a
platform to share their storiesand to be heard.
Something that many sibling losssurvivors state that they never
have had.
Sibling Loss is Misunderstood™.
The Broken Pack exists to changethat and to support survivors.
(00:32):
I'm your host, Dr.
Angela Dean.
In today's episode, I had thepleasure of speaking with Cassie
about losing her sister Rihannaunexpectedly to a rare infection
resulting from complicationsfrom a medical procedure that
shattered her world.
Listen to see how she's doingnow and what advice she has for
us.
(01:00):
Welcome to the show, Kassy.
I was wondering if you wanted tointroduce yourself.
Kassy Bowes (01:04):
Of course.
Yeah.
so my name's Kassy, I grew up inNewmarket, Ontario, Canada.
I moved down to Niagara toactually go to school.
and then I met my now husbandand I never went back home after
that.
I'm 28, I have two dogs, I'mactually a social worker for the
school board.
(01:24):
I'm a school counsellor, I justcame back from our honeymoon a
few weeks ago, so just freshlymarried.
Dr. Dean (01:30):
Well, congratulations.
Kassy Bowes (01:32):
Thanks.
Dr. Dean (01:33):
I have questions about how losing your sister affected
that, but I will hold off
Kassy Bowes (01:37):
Yes, definitely did.
Dr. Dean (01:39):
before we talk about the devastating loss of losing
your sister, Rihanna, I waswondering what you wanted our
listeners to know about her.
Kassy Bowes (01:46):
Oh, there's so much to say about her.
She was just so young andvibrant.
She was only 19 years old whenshe passed.
we were eight years apart in ageand we were total polar
opposites, like not the samewhatsoever.
in terms of caring so much aboutpeople were the same, but she
just took on that role in awhole new level.
She just wore her heart on hersleeve, loved others.
(02:07):
So much so unconditionally, andI remember one time she actually
came home from school cryingbecause she couldn't believe
someone had called her friendfat and she was just like
bawling her eyes out because shejust couldn't believe how
someone could be so cruel.
yeah, she was just an incredibleperson, very quirky, very odd,
would always make thesedifferent mannerisms and sayings
(02:30):
and oh, she was just, she washilarious.
She was such a joy to be around.
Dr. Dean (02:35):
Yeah.
Well, thank you for sharing thatabout her.
What was your relationship likewith her?
Kassy Bowes (02:40):
it was different.
It was definitely not a typicalsibling relationship, and that's
why I wanted to come and sharemy story on here because our
relationship was very different,with such a big age gap between
us.
There was almost nine yearsapart in age and so I felt like
our role.
It was more like a motherdaughter type relationship,
especially that our mom wasalways working shift work all
(03:01):
the time and not mentally wellherself.
So It was just us against theworld, just the two of us.
And it grew very much into meprotecting her all the time.
And so rather than having thisrelationship where she could
come and tell me everything, shewas very hesitant on doing so
because she always feared ofdisappointing me.
And I, of course, I never wantedher to feel like that, but
(03:22):
that's just what ourrelationship was because she
just valued what I thought sodeeply.
And, I was in the delivery roomwhen she was born, I was eight
years old, right there, frontcenter, it was just, it was such
a weird thing to, Be in thatroom during her delivery and
then at the same time being atthat exact same hospital being
(03:42):
by her side when she died, itwas just, I couldn't, I just
couldn't believe it.
I, when I was standing there, Iwas just like, this can't be,
this can't be happening rightnow.
But yeah, it was just very muchme always looking out for her
and trying to protect her andtrying to help guide her in the
right direction.
At times we butt heads because,at the end of the day, I wasn't
her mom, and unfortunately, likeour mom wasn't able to care for
(04:04):
us in the way that she shouldhave.
So I felt the need that I had totake on that role, but it was
always that battle, okay, but atthe end of the day, you're not
my parent.
It was a struggle.
And the last two years of herlife, it was rocky because
that's when she was becoming anadult and wanted to take the
reins a little bit of her ownlife and make her own mistakes.
And I'm just like trying to tellher look out for the red flags.
(04:25):
I didn't want her falling downthe same path.
as our mom and her dad, I just,I really feared for that.
So I just.
I tried to grab the reins andhold them as tight as I could,
and that caused a little bit ofa strain on our relationship,
unfortunately, It was reallyhard to navigate that
relationship as she got older,because she was making some
decisions about her life thatweren't ideal, but at the end of
(04:47):
the day, I knew I had to sitback and let her make those
decisions on her own because shewas her own person.
So it was a challenge.
It was a challenge, ourrelationship, but I loved that
little girl more than anythingin the whole world.
I always say she's my wholeworld.
I have, I have birthdaytattooed, on my chest and I did
that when she was alive.
I put it above my heart becauseshe was my everything, my heart,
(05:07):
my world.
And, yeah, it's just losing herwas the ultimate nightmare of my
life.
Dr. Dean (05:14):
it sounds like in a lot of ways you had the parental
role and still a sibling.
So a little bit complicated, I'mguessing from a grief
perspective, but also just therelationship sounds complex.
Kassy Bowes (05:27):
Yeah, that's what I wanted.
I wanted that siblingrelationship so bad.
And I used to tell her like.
I remember we had this niceheart to heart, finally, when we
all broke it all down, and itwas before she passed.
I was like, why?
Why do you tell our mom, out ofall people, everything, and you
hide everything from me?
You tell her what you'reinvolved in, or what you're
doing, or who you're dating,and...
(05:47):
She's cause I don't care what, Idon't care what she thinks.
I don't care what our momthinks.
Cause she doesn't care what I'mdoing.
So I don't care to tell her, shegoes, but you're the person I'm
most fearful of disappointing.
I don't want to disappoint you.
And so I just, I finally gave myhead a shake a little bit and
realizing Oh my gosh, this iswhat a parent feels like, this
is what it must feel like to bea parent, to not know what's
(06:08):
going on in your child's life,because They don't want to
disappoint you.
Dr. Dean (06:12):
So if you were eight years older, what was your
childhood like with her?
Kassy Bowes (06:16):
It was different, She always wanted to hang out
with me at all times.
And of course, I was growing upand wanting to hang out with
friends.
But, we always had this thingwhere, at the end of the day,
when it was all said and done,my friends would leave.
it would just be the two of us.
We'd hang out together.
We'd play like just dancesometimes, or I'd take her to
the park.
But my favorite moments that,I'll take with me forever is, at
(06:38):
night, in the middle of thenight, I'd go and I'd sneak into
her room and I'd, I, even whenwe shared her room I'd, this,
when she was two, I would takeher out of her crib and put her
in bed with me.
Or we would hold each other andsleep in bed together.
I did this even when she gotolder when I was in high school.
I said, Hey, do you want to comesleep in my room?
And she's like, yeah.
So she'd come and tiptoe in herlittle pajamas and come and
crawl into bed with me.
And we'd have this littlesleepover and, I miss that.
(07:00):
I still feel like I can smellher sometimes.
It's so surreal.
And that's just what we didevery night.
She'd come and like sleep in myroom or, I'd always have the
same movie, playing over andover again, because this is
before streaming.
Before streaming existed and Iwould just always have to have
noise on at night I could neversleep with no noise.
So it was always the same movieplaying over and over again, but
(07:22):
Yeah, It was different growingup like she wanted to hang out
with me so much and of courselike me being a teenager not
making the best choices myself.
I didn't want her being aroundthat.
I was very protective on whatshe saw.
and what she saw me involved in.
I always made a promise that Iwould never let my sister see me
do something that we witnessedgrowing up.
So I was very protective of thatand she was aware of that.
(07:44):
but I wanted to protect her asmuch as I could.
And at the end of the day, Idon't know if that was more
damaging than not.
But, I did whatever I could toprotect her from the world.
Dr. Dean (07:54):
It sounds like, even the story about her, coming to
your bedroom, that you were hersafe space, but I also heard in
that, that she was a lot of yoursafe space as well.
Kassy Bowes (08:05):
Tremendously, I've been in therapy for a long time,
especially after she passed.
And that's exactly what mytherapist even said herself.
She knows like she was thatperson that you needed when you
were a kid.
And so it was.
Like, that comfort, thatnurture, and that's what we were
to each other, But even at theend of the day when we would
fight or, I wouldn't likesomething that she was doing,
(08:26):
she would still call me and tellme, hey, this is what's going on
with mom, or...
she always just like at the endof the day, we still always had
each other
Dr. Dean (08:34):
Thank you for sharing all of that.
What would you like to shareabout losing her?
Kassy Bowes (08:42):
other than like what many people have spoke to
on here It's just that it was ahorrendous loss and everyone
tries to measure grief In a wayof that relationship to that
person, oh, well, nothing's likelosing a daughter.
Nothing's like losing a child,like a child or a parent or
anything like that.
And they all want to compare thegrief that they feel.
(09:03):
Our mom did that a lot when shepassed.
Well, you don't know how itfeels to lose a daughter.
And I was like, Okay, but itdoesn't matter the relationship,
the importance of that person tothat person is what matters, I
don't know why we have tocompare grief or say that one's
hurting more than the other.
Losing that person is just,regardless of the relationship,
it was so intense, and I don'tthink that it should be compared
(09:25):
because it's the importance thatperson had to you and, She was
just an incredible person and itwas such a sudden death,
something that we neverexpected.
it was just like, I got a phonecall all of a sudden it was our
mom and she's like, I just got aphone call from the hospital
saying your sister's in the ICU.
And I was like, really shockedby that because I was like, what
do you mean?
Like, what do you mean the ICU?
(09:46):
Like, what happened?
and I just panic started to setin.
And everything just started tounravel a little bit.
When we found out what happened,and what happened was, is she
wasn't just in the ICU, She wentinto cardiac arrest for 28
minutes.
It was a long time that she wasunder cardiac arrest in the
hospital.
And this is where we started tofigure out, because we were
like, how did this happen?
How did all of a sudden, thisperfect, healthy, vibrant 19
(10:09):
year old little girl just befull of abdominal sepsis?
just completely, full ofinfections?
The more that we started to talkto doctors and when we looked at
her medical records afterwards,we later found out that there
was a link, through the,abortion pill.
We knew just a couple of daysprior to her being in the ICU
that she had had abortion.
And she had one and it was amedical abortion.
(10:30):
So now there's like this new,not new, but like it's newer
type of abortion rather than atypical D& C, and it's called a
medical abortion and it's used,you just take a pill and you
could take it early on in thepregnancy if you catch it
earlier.
Statistics like one in threewomen in Canada alone go and get
abortion.
So this is not something that'slike uncommon.
This is a very common thingthat, that women have access to
(10:53):
here in Canada.
And my sister took it uponherself to, to make that
decision all on her own and say,you know what?
I'm not ready to have a baby at19, especially because she was
in a very, toxic, abusiverelationship.
And she was just like, I can'tdo this and made that decision
on her own.
But again, So fear of the stigmadisappointment that we might
have towards her when we didfinally find out She was
(11:17):
experiencing some complicationsand some pain She was going to
the hospital, but they werechecking her out and just
sending her home She went threetimes and the second time she
went by ambulance and they stillsent her home but they sent her
home with a bottle of highlyaddictive pain medication, which
I just think is wild.
And I know that's a common thingthat doctors can do these days.
(11:38):
Then 24 hours later she cameback in full-blown sepsis and
just dying.
And then, and it just, ithappens so, so rapidly And once
that onset of sepsis occurs, youonly have so many hours before
it can kill you.
It was crazy hearing this all onthe phone, like, how did this
transpire from her just gettingchecked out, making sure
everything's okay, to now, like,she went into cardiac arrest due
(12:00):
to the sepsis.
Dr. Dean (12:01):
mm-Hmm.
Kassy Bowes (12:02):
I just couldn't believe that something that is
so easily accessible andsomething that, a lot of women
in Canada take part in, thatthis could happen to her, like a
19 year old little girl.
So there's still so manyquestions I have about
surrounding this and whathappened, and there's so much
uncertainty with the results ofwhat transpired after her
medical records.
It was hard to detect, exactlywhat that infection was, but a
(12:24):
lot of them guessed that it wasdue to this rare infection that
can occur by taking this pill.
It's a really rare infection,and It's proven almost fatal and
only one woman has actually eversurvived from it.
It's a different kind of sepsis.
You don't get a fever.
So really her only symptoms thatshe had was a high heart rate
and low blood pressure.
(12:44):
Even her blood work, everythingwas normal the second day she
came in.
And then completely a 180 whenshe came in 24 hours later.
They couldn't believe howdrastic her levels had changed
from when she came in last.
She went downhill really fastThere's so many questions I
have, that still haunt me andsit with me to this day and it's
Why didn't she call anyone?
(13:04):
Like, why didn't she, why didn'tshe call any of us and tell us,
this was happening to her?
She didn't call, myself or ourmom or anything.
She just tried to deal with thisall on her own.
And it was during COVID, so noone was there to advocate on her
behalf.
And it was just, it was tragic.
It was just horrible the waythat everything happened.
And she was alone.
She was alone in that hospitalwhen all this was happening.
(13:26):
And no one was really explainingto her what was happening to
her.
There was no general saying Hey,honey, like you have sepsis.
You should probably call someoneand tell someone because this is
very serious.
And I just felt like thatmessage wasn't given to her in
any sort of way so that shecould make that decision.
Because I just, I keep sittingthere thinking I hate that I was
(13:47):
there when she was already in acoma.
I hate that I didn't have anylast words or talk to her.
It kind of leads into the guilt.
I still feel this guilt becauseher and I were.
of course, bickering about, hermaking these decisions and
staying in this relationshipwith this awful person that was
just not good to her.
And, so I sit there going thesewere my last words to her.
(14:07):
her and I arguing and hertelling me, you need to let me
make my own decisions and if itbackfires on me.
So be it.
Those were her last words to me,and they'll haunt me forever, I
hate that I wasn't there beforeshe went unconscious to talk to
her, and tell her how much Iloved her, and I know she knew
that, and I know, sitting back,looking at that, I know she knew
that, but, It was very hard to,to deal with and accept that
(14:30):
those were our last words toeach other.
Dr. Dean (14:33):
It sounds like you didn't know the medical abortion
was happening.
Kassy Bowes (14:37):
Yeah, we knew afterwards what it was.
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (14:40):
The words she said to you was that related to
decisions about her relationshipwith her partner?
yea yea
Kassy Bowes (14:47):
I said, just give me a year, come live with us She
was from Toronto area.
That's where we grew up.
But I lived in Niagara, and Isaid, come live with us, We
bought a house recently, thatyear, come live with us for a
year, if you want to go back, ifyou want to be with him, then by
all means go back, even sixmonths, I said, just come down
here, don't have to pay foranything, you can come to
school, not come to school, justgive it a chance, I wanted to
(15:09):
get her away from that life thatwe grew up living.
It was a rough neighborhood thatwe grew up in.
Our family wasn't the greatest.
I just wanted to get her awayfrom that and see the potential
that she had to just live agreat, extraordinary life.
When you grow up in homes thatare toxic and there's a lot of
domestic violence and stuff likethat, we tend to be drawn to and
be attracted to relationshipsthat remind us of that.
(15:30):
and I just, I feel like that'swhat happened with her.
She got really pulled intothinking that's what felt most
comfortable for her.
And that's what she wanted.
And she was a helper.
She wanted to help save people.
That's the kind of person shewas.
And I feel guilty cause I'mlike, if I maybe bought my house
a year sooner before she metthis person, maybe she would
have come and lived with me.
Maybe I could have gotten heresooner.
(15:51):
Maybe I could have donesomething to prevent this from
happening.
And I go over this storyline inmy head all the time.
I find myself getting stuckthere and living in this fantasy
of what life could have beenlike if she had just come down
here.
mm hmm
Dr. Dean (16:06):
So that what if game that you're playing, let's
normalize that we've all donethat to some extent.
Especially, I think, many of us,not all of us, but many of us
have done that with sibling lossfor sure.
Are there things that you wishshe had known about that support
that you could have offered orthat advocacy that you are
wishing you would have been ableto do?
Kassy Bowes (16:27):
I mean she definitely knew there was always
a place for her always.
I always had a room here and shealways came to visit and when we
bought her house She came tovisit and I just I noticed that
after she met this guy that shewas with, I started losing who
she was.
She'd come down here and shewouldn't want to hang out with
us, she'd just want to sitoutside and smoke weed the whole
(16:47):
time and that just wasn't, thatjust wasn't like her, that
wasn't like my sister and, Shealways knew how to have a good
time and have fun, but she'dalways want to hang out with my
husband and I and we'd go and dostuff like go karting and
golfing and go on all these funadventures.
I started to lose the piece ofher that wanted to do all those
fun things.
I started to not recognize whoshe was and I tried my best to
hold onto what she was and makeher realize that she was just
(17:10):
such a good person and she hadso much to offer to the world,
and she was just getting stuckwith this group of people you
become the five people you hangaround with the most like that
saying it's just that and shewas hanging around with people
that just weren't, didn't havereal goals in life and kind of
just wanted to stay doing whatthey were doing.
It was tough.
It was tough to watch thatunfold and watch that happen.
(17:31):
And I knew that was due largelyto what happened with the
pandemic, a lot of kids losttheir drive and wanting to do
something.
It really has had a huge effect.
on youth.
with all that kind of togetherinterweaved, it was just, I was
losing my sister and, and losingthe relationship that we had.
It was, yeah, it was reallyhard.
Dr. Dean (17:53):
What year did she die?
Kassy Bowes (17:56):
2022.
Dr. Dean (17:57):
Okay.
So, still the pandemic.
I think your limitations on thepandemic were longer
Kassy Bowes (18:03):
We were shut down.
Yeah, we were shut down for along time, like on and off, like
shut down for a very long time.
she didn't have a grade 12graduation, didn't have an 18th
birthday, so I had to throw alittle mini party for her just
on her own because she didn'tget to have any of that.
Dr. Dean (18:19):
right.
Where are you with grieving now?
I mean, it's not been that long.
Kassy Bowes (18:24):
No, Honestly, I cry still every single day.
I don't think that'll ever, I,people say it'll fade and people
say you'll be less sad, but Man,like, when it first happened, I
just thought, like, how is life,ever even gonna, am I ever even
gonna laugh again?
Am I ever gonna laugh?
Am I ever gonna smile?
And then when I would laugh, I'dfeel guilty.
(18:44):
And, even still, I'll be doingsomething and enjoying myself
and then, it'll click.
Rheanna's not here.
This is not okay.
I shouldn't be having fun.
I shouldn't be living a lifewithout her.
I'm still very much in it.
I'm very much right in themiddle of it.
And it's been a lot of back andforth.
some days I just, it's reallyhard for me to even want to
function.
And and then other days it'sokay.
(19:05):
But.
It's like a part of me doesn'twant it to be okay.
I don't want it to get better.
I feel like by not beingdebilitating upset about it,
that she's now drifting furtherfrom my memory or that she's
drifting further away from meand that time is passing by
faster and faster.
I do that I get stuck sometimesin the future and I can't
believe because of how young shewas I'm gonna spend more of my
(19:26):
life missing her than knowingher because of how young she was
and I'm going to be it's goingto be a really rude awakening
when that day finally comes.
It's going to be crazy because Iwould have missed her longer
than she's been alive.
I get stuck in these awfulthinking traps all the time.
and I'm still very much in it.
I'm very much in the thick ofit.
I go to counselling, onmedication because I was on
(19:48):
medication even before shepassed, but, and I was going to
try to start coming off of it.
And then, of course, when shepassed, I was like, nope.
that's not happening.
and it was very hard.
And it's, It's, I don't thinkpeople talk about it enough, but
the own mental health thathappens to us, suicidal
ideation, like, all that stuff,it was very intensive when she
(20:08):
first died, because I was like,that, she was my everything.
She was I always say, my world,she was my world, and she was
just, gone, just like that.
I used to have nightmares, evenbefore she passed, about her
dying, because it was just, Ihad such a fear of losing her,
because she was everything.
And at the beginning, it wasvery difficult, I didn't trust
(20:29):
myself driving, I couldn'tlisten to music.
It was so much I couldn't do, I,even podcasts that I loved
listening to, to help distractmy mind, I listened to murder
podcasts, and that was not agood idea, because then I, my
nightmares merged with thepodcast, and then it was just
awful, I was having terriblenightmares about serial killers
kidnapping her and killing herand it was just oh, it was
horrible.
(20:49):
So I was like, I can't even dothat.
So now I'm just sitting in thiscar driving with nothing on no
music.
Just like Nothing and justthinking about her and it was
very hard.
I managed to get through thosefirst critical few months
because I didn't feel safe withmyself at times, cuz I just I
couldn't imagine living in aworld where she wasn't in it,
(21:11):
I'm at a good place now, but
Dr. Dean (21:13):
yeah.
You brought up a good pointaround.
I think you said feeling lesssad or something along those
lines, and I don't know ifthat's necessarily what happens.
There's an internet meme thatdraws this where it's grief is a
black ball and then that staysthe same but the jar gets
bigger.
And I think the idea is that welearn to live with the grief,
(21:37):
and it has its place but itstays painful.
Of course.
Kassy Bowes (21:40):
yeah, and It's weird because then it's am I
ever going to be like, I don'tthink I'll ever, I think I can
be the same person after a losslike that but I feel like, will
I ever be able to fully enjoythings being in the back of my
mind all the time.
That's not fair, that she's nothere and that she's not doing
this or that she's not able toget married one day or have kids
or, be an aunt to my husband andI's future kids.
(22:02):
And those are all little thingsthat I'm so sad and upset that
she's going to miss out on.
It's just, every happy moment inlife that I have to come or
every milestone, there's justgoing to be this tiny black
cloud over it.
It's always just going to bethere in the background, like
it's always dark cloud.
Yeah, it's just, it's the kindof thing that I don't wish upon
(22:22):
on anybody.
Dr. Dean (22:23):
Right.
What was it like to be at yourwedding without her there?
Kassy Bowes (22:27):
It was hard.
We were right in the middle ofplanning our wedding when she
passed and, I actually had mywedding dresses.
fitting for her to come and joinme and she had it booked in her
calendar and she was so excitedto come to it.
Even on that day, I was just abawling mess.
I was crying my eyes out and wasjust a very heavy emotional day
and then my now husband said tome, I have an idea of how we can
(22:49):
honour her at our wedding and Iwanted to be very careful on how
we did this because I I alreadywas so like deep in my grief and
of course I would, if I could,I'd memorialise my whole wedding
to her, like I really, because Iwas so in it.
I wanted to be very careful onhow I did it because I didn't
want it to be a memorial for mysister at our wedding, so it had
to be done right and it has tobe done in essence of her.
(23:09):
So husband said, I still thinkwe should buy a bridesmaid dress
for your sister.
I still think we should haveone.
And, I had a guy stand in mywedding and he was in my
sister's life since she was ababy.
and he was going to walk herdown the aisle.
That was always the plan.
So instead, he would then walkher dress down the aisle and
hang it, at the end of mybridesmaid row.
(23:31):
And there was a chair with apole up the back for the dress
to be hung.
And on the chair, it was apicture of her and a bouquet of
flowers that I got for her, asmaller bouquet.
And that's the way I honored herand had the dress walked down.
It was very beautiful and, itwas just done right.
But that day when I woke up, Itwas crazy because it was
(23:52):
actually stormy a little bitoutside and I'm like, oh my
gosh, no rain, please no rain.
It's outside.
I don't want it to rain.
And it rained just like a tinylittle bit.
It was like a sprinkle of rainand my bridesmaid said to me
it's your sister crying becauseshe can't be there.
And, it's just her shedding atear to let you know that she's
sad that she's not there, butthen she brought the sunshine
(24:12):
and it was hot, very hot,beautiful sun, and everyone
said, that's your sister, that'sher, it was her showing you that
she was sad she couldn't bethere, but she was going to make
it a perfect day for you.
It was just hard, and I thoughtabout her a lot, and I did
mention her a little bit in mythank you speech and, but again,
I try not to do too much becauseI know it's a sensitive topic
for people.
People don't really know how totake that and how to receive
(24:35):
something like that, especiallylosing someone so young like
that.
People get so awkward inconversations when I talk about
her, but all I want to do, all Iwant to do is talk about her.
I love talking about her, evenif I'm crying, it's okay, I
don't mind as long as it doesn'tmake the other person
uncomfortable.
I want to talk about her all thetime because I never want anyone
to forget her and not know whatshe was like.
Dr. Dean (24:57):
Well, it sounds like it was, a beautiful way to honor
her.
Yeah.
I wonder how much you hold backfrom talking about her if people
feel uncomfortable.
Kassy Bowes (25:06):
it's hard.
I'm definitely an open book.
I'll bring her up at any pointand you can tell people will get
a little awkward about it.
And I just, I name it.
I'm like, look, I know this isan uncomfortable conversation
and I know people get reallyawkward by this.
And honestly, you don't need togive me any advice to make me
feel better.
That's not what I'm looking for.
You could just say to me, thatreally sucks.
And that's all you need to tellme.
(25:27):
and that's that's enough.
and I think for me, like I'venever had such a deep loss like
this.
So even in my own practice as asocial worker, now it's you
almost think about all the timesthat maybe you put your foot in
your mouth before sayingsomething to someone and you
don't realize that it can comeoff as not arrogant or rude, but
just not what that person needsto hear at that time, Because
grief is just different,especially therapy with grief.
(25:49):
The therapy's not there to help.
fix everything and fix this.
it's more just like helping younavigate through this.
There's nothing that's going totake this pain away.
Like it's so intensive.
It's especially right in thebeginning, no amount of therapy
can lessen that pain.
It is such a intense pain thatyou have to just get through and
just be in it and it's you needto do whatever you have to at
(26:12):
that time to just to be in itand move through it.
It's so hard and it's sodifficult.
Those first six months, evenlonger, it's just, it's hard.
It's very, very hard.
I just wish that there was amagic wand.
Dr. Dean (26:27):
Well, thank you for that.
yeah, I wish there was too.
And I really appreciate thatperspective because I think
people do approach thisthinking, well, I have to fix
this.
You can't fix this unless youcan bring the person back.
Nobody can bring your sisterback.
Right.
Nobody can bring my brotherback.
That's just.
unfortunately, not how life anddeath work.
(26:48):
And I think grief therapy andgrief counseling play a role in
helping people learn to processand navigate that.
I'm curious though, becauseyou're in Canada and I don't
know as much about the Canadianhealthcare system other than
what I know from my relatives.
How does behavioral health ormental health work as far as
(27:08):
counseling and grief go?
Kassy Bowes (27:11):
it's not the best.
It's not the best.
It's it can definitely have lotsof room for improvement.
it's waitlists are long if youwant it covered, right?
So if you have work and you havebenefits and benefits to cover
the cost of private health careprivate practice it can go a
long way, but it is very, it'svery hard at getting a,
psychiatrist here or any otherkind of mental health support.
(27:34):
We're really actually lucky inNiagara.
We have, an association calledHospice Niagara.
They're truly wonderful.
And, people think, oh, hospice,it's only for families that have
dealt with a person that havepassed away from cancer, but no,
not at all.
It's, They offer grief supportfor anybody who's grieving
anybody.
it's individual, they havegroup, they have art therapy for
kids.
They've got walks, grief walksyou can do with a group of
(27:57):
adults.
And you get in really fast withthat organization because it's
just here in Niagara and theycall you back within a week or
two.
They're really great.
We do have a lot of greatresources here in the area.
I can't speak for much of whereelse in Ontario that we have,
but, it's hard.
It's hard to access, health careand mental health supports, when
health care is free.
(28:18):
Everyone says, Canada is sogreat because health care is
free and we don't have to payfor it.
But we pay for it in the longrun that you might die before
your appointment, before you getreferred to someone, The wait
lists are extraordinary long,even to get a family doctor,
it's a long wait list, And tome, at this point, I'd rather
just, and that's what I do.
I pay out of pocket for supportand it's sad because, that's not
(28:38):
equal for all who can't affordit.
And it's yeah.
That's an interesting powerdynamic that's happening here.
Dr. Dean (28:44):
What's interesting here in the U.
S.
where, we don't have the sametype of healthcare system, but
the wait lists are still verylong to get in for mental
health, and it's starting tohappen in other, medical domains
as well, that it's even withprivate insurance, you're still
waiting months
Kassy Bowes (29:02):
So it's happening everywhere.
I'm sure that has something todo with COVID.
Dr. Dean (29:05):
Oh, I hear.
Absolutely.
yeah, for
Kassy Bowes (29:07):
Yeah,
Dr. Dean (29:08):
I'm wondering if with the way that she died with the
abortion, if that has also addedto stigma or discussions with
people around avoiding talkingabout her death or her.
Kassy Bowes (29:19):
I mean it's to be honest like I think sometimes
it's me that even gets a littlebit hesitant on saying because
people always say Well, like howdid she die like 19?
Everyone wants to know like howdoes a 19 year old die and I say
that she died From abdominalsepsis and then depending on the
person and if I know their viewsI'll say but some people that I
know that have very ChristianCatholic backgrounds where I'm
(29:39):
like Yeah, she just had thisreally rare infection in her
stomach and I just try not tohave any more, leading questions
from that, but it is, it'salways a taboo subject, but at
the same time, I want to try andspread this awareness to as many
people as I can, because peopleneed to be aware of the signs,
people need to know, that thereare risks with taking this pill,
because it's being shown as thesafer method of having an
(30:03):
abortion, and I want people toknow that there are still risks
with these safer methods, quoteunquote, right?
I need people to know that thisis a real risk that can happen
and what things you need to lookfor and how you can advocate for
yourself in the healthcaresystem because being a woman in
general, and I, that's outsideof, the LGBT community and, the
black community and just so manyother, indigenous community,
(30:25):
how, we all just get treated notso well in the, in the
healthcare system.
As in even just a white woman,you can't, you're being labeled
as an hysterical woman orlooking for drugs or whatever
that may be.
It's really hard being a womanin a man's world, and
unfortunately all the doctorsthat my sister saw were men, and
they were just wanting to say,Oh, and I always told my sister
(30:46):
and I feel like, again, this wasthe thing I feel guilty for, but
I told her always be honest withmedical professionals.
You tell them if you're usingdrugs recreationally, tell them
how much you drink on a weeklybasis.
I said, you need to tell themall these things so they can get
an accurate assessment and knowhow to best treat you.
And, when I went, when I lookedat her medical stuff.
She's told them exactly.
(31:08):
Yes.
I use drugs recreationally.
And yes, I drink sometimes acouple of days occasionally
during the week.
And I almost felt like that dida disservice to her.
I almost felt like this doctorlooked at her and said, Oh, an
unresponsible teen girl who doesdrugs recreationally got an
abortion.
and now she's here looking forpain medication.
That's what I feel like happenedto her.
(31:29):
And, Because that's just,unfortunately, the stigma that
still strongly exists here, andI just feel like she wasn't
given a fair shot at treatment.
Dr. Dean (31:38):
Right.
And I think, here, with theoverturning of Roe v.
Wade in the U.
S., I think, people used to comefrom Canada to access abortion
because even though you haveaccess to it was easier to come
here to access abortion.
And now, in our news, evenyesterday, the day before
recording this, there wasinformation on the pill, And I
(32:00):
can't pronounce it, so I'm notgoing to try, the abortion
pills.
And so I think this couldpotentially, this information
and this loss of your sistercould be.
used, or the types of loss from,that she died from with this
infection could be used oneither side to make a case.
And I don't want this episode tobe that because I really want,
to focus on what it's been likefor you to be a sibling loss
(32:23):
survivor.
Kassy Bowes (32:24):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (32:26):
regardless of that, but I was just, I was the stigma
around abortion is it's sopolarizing the topic of abortion
that,
Kassy Bowes (32:32):
It really is,
Dr. Dean (32:33):
sounds like it's affected you.
Kassy Bowes (32:34):
yeah.
Well, and it's just somethingthat I never, for me, it was
like, oh, you've always heardpeople going through this, and,
Women getting abortions and itwas never something that was oh,
this could be potentiallydangerous and actually hurt
someone, right?
so it was just, there still arejust risks with anything, like
risk with taking Advil, riskwith taking Tylenol.
there's always a risk, right?
It was just something that youjust don't expect.
Dr. Dean (32:57):
Yeah.
the argument then is There'salso a risk of having a baby of
But, and I'm again, not here toargue that
Kassy Bowes (33:04):
yeah, I know, right?
There's risks with everything.
Dr. Dean (33:06):
yeah, but what I also hear you saying is that you
weren't able to advocate for herbecause you didn't know.
There was such shame and shewasn't sharing that with you,
but in a different setting, itsounds like you would have been
there to help her advocate forherself.
And that's where I hear theguilt.
Kassy Bowes (33:24):
And that's the piece.
That's the guilt.
That's the piece that I just Ireplay in my head all the time
is if I could just go back andshe just told me I could have
went there I could have takenher to a different hospital or I
could have went there and Icould have advocated on her
behalf and I could have donethis and I couldn't done that
and it was just yeah it's justit's a vicious it's a vicious
game that you play with yourselfand that what if game is by far
(33:47):
the worst one it's I try to stopmyself from doing it because it
really does actually do moredamage and it hurts I do have
strategies that I use to try andhelp me through it.
Sometimes just crying it out isreally helpful for me.
And just being sad and lookingat videos and pictures of her
and just being in that momentwith her.
And that's sometimes what Ineed.
Other times it's being reallycrafty and making something or
(34:09):
doing something to honor her insome sort of way or making
something like I have all of herclothes from when she passed and
I'm learning how to quilt so Iwant to like make a quilt with
all of her clothes and dosomething and you know when we
have children I have all theseideas of how I want to
incorporate little things of herinto that and just always have
her be a part of our lives andthat our kids will always know
(34:31):
who their auntie Rihanna is orauntie Riri.
Her nickname was Riri.
I need them to know who she wasand that she was a great person
and that she would have been anincredible aunt.
so yeah, I just I try to takethat grief and I try to put it
into things that are good andthat would represent her.
I'm still learning it.
I'm still trying to figure itout.
And I know if I do too much,I'll burn out.
(34:52):
But, I'm always trying to findways to honour her.
And when she passed, we had hercremated.
so I actually had some of herashes made into jewellery for
all the family members and herclosest friends.
So I made sure, I did somethinglike that.
So I have a ring and her friendshave a necklace of her.
It's just something that alwayscarry us close and even on our
honeymoon I took some of herashes with me and I spread them
(35:14):
all over where we went on ourhoneymoon and all different
places And I just I do stufflike that in a way of helping me
cope through it and it reallydoes help
Dr. Dean (35:23):
Yeah, so I think that's important to continue
that relationship with her,right?
The continuing bond as it'ssometimes called.
And you're spot on as to letyourself feel that and find the
compassion around.
I'm just going to sit in thismoment because the what if isn't
going to help, right?
so that awareness
Kassy Bowes (35:40):
no, You've got a ride the wave Mm
Dr. Dean (35:42):
For sure.
And it's hard.
It's hard to ride the wave'causewe want to fix it ourselves.
We can't, but we want to.
Kassy Bowes (35:48):
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I talk to her all thetime.
It just helps I'll go outsideand I'll talk to the sky at
night when there's stars in thesky.
I really struggled with my ownbeliefs, you know prior to my
sister passing and I always grewup.
I always had a strong fear ofdeath it's always been something
that I've struggled with thatI've you know go to counseling
for and I always had a fear ofdeath and Then when she died it
(36:11):
was like, okay.
Well, what if there's nothingwhat if I never see her again?
That's it, lights out, that'sthe end of her and us, and it
was very hard for me to wrap myhead around, and I could no
longer sit in this belief thatthere was nothing after death,
and that's what I chronicallybelieved before is that there
was nothing and that's why Ifeared it so much.
(36:32):
But that was no longer an optionfor me when she passed because I
was like, this isn't this isn'thelpful for me.
I need to do something.
I need to believe in something.
I don't care what it is, but Ican't sit in this belief that
there's absolutely it's nothelping me on this grief
journey.
So even through counseling, ithelped, but it still wasn't
enough for me.
(36:53):
Like it, it just wasn't what Ineeded.
And so someone said, well, haveyou tried going to a medium?
And I have seen one before inthe past.
And, I did go to one When I goto these things, I make it
impossible for them to read me.
I cover everything up.
Sometimes I don't give them mylast name.
Like I make it impossible forthem, you know?
But, she said things that no onewould knew about my sister.
And people can take that forwhat it is and say that people
(37:13):
can twist things in a way.
But she said things that justwill stay with me forever.
And it gave me that littleglimmer of hope.
That there might be somethingand I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with believing in asliver of something.
Cause it has to be something.
Cause I can't live with thecomplete, belief that there's
nothing.
And there's been some crazysigns I've received from her
(37:35):
since passing.
Even on our wedding day.
So many things have happened andit just gives me a little bit of
hope that I can continue tocarry on with the hope that
we'll be together again, someway or in some shape way, or
form of energy, whatever thatmay be.
It's, it was just that littlething that I needed extra to
help me along with my journey.
(37:55):
and I do, I do say to anybody,if that's something that they're
open to doing, do it because itcan really help.
It can really help if that's, ifyou're really stuck in your
journey.
Dr. Dean (38:04):
You're a social worker with children?
Kassy Bowes (38:08):
Yes.
Yes.
Dr. Dean (38:09):
Has.
Your grief and loss changed howyou do your work?
Kassy Bowes (38:13):
Oh, especially with kids who have lost someone
themselves.
I just understand it a lotbetter.
It's weird.
Like when you hear about someonepassing or someone else losing
someone, you go, Oh my gosh,that's horrible.
You empathize with them, butreally until you're in it and
you go through something likethat, no, you really had no idea
what that person was feeling andwhat they were going through, no
(38:34):
measure whatsoever.
So yeah, you could feel bad forsomeone, but until you
experience it, It's just a wholeother level and it's just it's
made me feel a lot moreconnected To the students that I
work with and It's just it helpsme just be a better social
worker for them and help themnavigate through that and help
link them to services that theyactually might find helpful.
Rather than just saying, it'sokay, you'll get through it.
(38:57):
just hold on.
I'm able to better wrap my headaround how to best support them
and their family and connectingthem to the services that they
need that they might not be ableto ask for.
Dr. Dean (39:08):
Are there things that you wish people knew about
sibling loss that you had noidea until you experienced it?
Kassy Bowes (39:15):
I just didn't know, it would hurt this bad, but it
was just, I didn't realize, howmuch people want to always say,
well, how's the parents, and Iknow that's like a common thing
that I hear on here is that,siblings saying that, everyone's
always asking how the parentsare, but yet you're sitting
here, I lost someone reallyimportant too, and it was, you
definitely feel that.
And also, depending on whereyour relationship was with your
(39:36):
sibling, I didn't realize howquickly you have to plan things
when a person passes.
You're in so much pain, so muchphysical pain.
And it was like, okay, but youneed to do this.
You need to plan the funeral.
You need to hand in all theirdocuments.
You need to do all the stuffwith the government.
You need to close their bankaccount.
You need to do all these things.
And I'm like, this person justdied.
This person who was such animportant person to me just died
(40:00):
and now you're telling me I haveto do all of these things and I
have no time to even process anyof it.
it's just nope, you got to dothis.
Boom.
They're labeled deceased.
it's just it hasn't even set inyet that they're gone.
And here I am getting a deathcertificate for her, and it was,
I did, I played a huge role.
It was solely me that reallytook on that role of planning
(40:21):
the funeral and doing all thatbecause, our mom and her dad
just couldn't feasibly do that.
It was a lot of work that wentinto making this day.
special to honor her in the waythat she deserved.
And that was something that wasreally hard for me to do.
I wasn't prepared for by anymeans necessary.
and Everyone's like, you know,they have people that do that
like the funeral director, youcan just send them pictures and
they'll put together a littlething.
(40:42):
I'm like, no, they're not goingto do it.
They're not going to honor herproperly.
I need to be the one to do this.
And I just took on this.
and I think as much as it's alot, it can be really
therapeutic for anyone who'sgoing through something like
this, to take on such animportant responsibility and
planning that, it really helpedmove through it, because It gave
(41:03):
you something to do.
It gave you a purpose to givesomething so special to them.
And to honor them in the bestway possible.
So, if anyone out there has lostsomeone, try to stay busy in
that beginning period of doingsomething for them in memory of
them, because it does help.
Dr. Dean (41:18):
I would add to that, too.
For me, I was the one puttingtogether the slideshow, all the
pictures and whatever.
It one, gave me something to do,like you said, and it helped me
feel that connection that Isuddenly was like, I don't have.
it helped build a foundation forThat connection, like looking
through all the photos, And
Kassy Bowes (41:38):
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Her friends like sent meeverything.
Yeah.
Like you get everyone sendingyou everything, and just Seeing
her in all of her glory andwatching her just be her quirky
self and thank gosh for themliving in the digital times
where they videotapedeverything.
I had her friends sendinghundreds of videos and photos
and, those are things that I'mjust so thankful for because I
(41:59):
just sift through them all thetime.
If I want to be with her andjust sit with her, I just go
through those videos and they'rewho she was That was her
authentic self and it was justit's amazing to really see that
Dr. Dean (42:12):
Are there other things that you wanted to talk about
that we haven't talked about?
Kassy Bowes (42:16):
My heart goes out to anyone who's lost a sibling
out there because It is, it'sdifferent.
It's just so different in termsof the reaction you get from
people and work, can we justeven talk about work and how
they don't acknowledge, three, Idon't know about in the States,
how many, grief days you get,but it's measured based on your
relationship to that person.
What the hell is that?
Like, how is your days given toyou measured by your
(42:38):
relationship to that person?
yeah.
It just doesn't make any senseto me.
oh, if it's a husband or achild, you get five days.
Cause you know, five days,you'll be fine.
By five days after losing achild or husband, you'll be
okay.
And then for siblings, it'sthree days.
Like just to me, that's justlike absolutely insane.
I can't believe that's howthat's measured.
I think it should just be a onenumber for all, like one number,
(43:00):
just pick a number and yes,obviously people are going to
need to go beyond that ifneeded, which many do I don't
know, five days is not enough.
But at least it's just a numberthat doesn't have to compare
relationships to grief.
That's just not, I don't agreewith, I don't agree with that.
So that was, that needs change.
Dr. Dean (43:20):
Yeah.
Well, I've been recently lookinginto this around various
countries.
Is it in Canada?
And I don't remember, but inCanada, is that law, the
bereavement?
Leave?
Kassy Bowes (43:28):
I think like labor, like maybe it has to do with
labor laws.
It's a good question.
I know it's a standard foracross, a lot of works have it.
So I'm assuming there must besome kind of, Law in there that
states that.
That's actually very interestingthat I'd like to look into
myself because it's definitelyone that I feel like needs to be
reviewed because I don't thinkthat it should be measured based
on what family member it was toyou, like this tiered system.
Dr. Dean (43:53):
Here in the U.
S.
it is not law.
There is, I think, one or twostates where it is law, but
across the board, it's not law.
it's really by employer and ifyou're full time or part time or
benefits and various things.
And it is also more blanketed.
It's usually two to three days.
Now that's general,
Kassy Bowes (44:14):
Geez.
Dr. Dean (44:15):
in some places it is based on relationship.
I know that, Oregon has a lawand it is based on the
relationship and how many daysyou get based.
And as you're pointing out,that's ludicrous.
Kassy Bowes (44:26):
Yeah.
Dr. Dean (44:27):
the fact that we're like three days or five days,
like we're talking, it'sludicrous.
Not even a year, for you?
Kassy Bowes (44:33):
yeah.
Dr. Dean (44:33):
you're still, you're always going to be grieving, but
it's still hard, right?
To go to work and function.
Kassy Bowes (44:40):
It helped going back to work.
it did help me.
And then that's a personalpreference.
I know everyone needs to handlethat, their own way.
And, for me, it gave mesomething to do and get my mind
off of thinking about her.
Cause all I was doing wasthinking about her all the time
from the moment I'd wake up tothe moment I go to sleep.
And yes, even when I was atwork, she'd pop up, of course,
but it gave me a sense ofpurpose, something to do every
(45:01):
day.
Cause then when summer came andI had the summer off, it was
awful.
It was terrible.
I was just sitting there in thatgrief.
I couldn't function.
I couldn't get out of bed.
I couldn't do anything.
It was worse being off.
And even though it's been ayear, this summer has been
really hard on me.
Anxiety has been increasing, thelow motivation has been kicking
in because I'm not doinganything.
I don't have a routine.
(45:21):
And every mental health expertcan say, we all rely on routine
and scheduling and purpose.
So when you don't have thatstructure or routine come
summer, you could really startto lose yourself and unravel a
little bit.
Dr. Dean (45:34):
Yeah.
For sure.
Before we wrap up, I'm wonderingif there's a couple favorite
memories that you wanted toshare.
Kassy Bowes (45:42):
Yeah, I have lots.
especially the one that Ihighlighted before about her
always coming to sleep in myroom, that's, that will always
be my most favorite.
But, other ones, I remember myfriend and I were in charge of
babysitting her for the nightand we duct taped her to a wall.
Dr. Dean (45:57):
Oh.
Kassy Bowes (45:58):
And she stayed up and she willingly was like,
yeah, duct tape me to a wall.
She was so pumped for it.
And I remember because when wetook the chair away that she was
standing on, she was like heldup on the wall with duct tape,
and she would, she just slowlystarted to peel off the wall,
and along with her came thepaint, and it was not good, and
(46:18):
we were in a lot of trouble, butthat was definitely one of my
top favorites and another onewould be when she was little,
Blue's Clues was really a thingand I did a whole Blue's Clues
adventure, She'd have to findBlue's paw prints all over the
house and find the clues tosolve the mystery or solve
whatever thing that I had goingon for her.
those are just some of thethings that I think of that we
did together that will alwaysstay in my memory and, she did
(46:41):
go through a period of time inhigh school where she was really
anxious, too anxious to go toschool.
and, our mom worked shift workand, she, she didn't have time
or energy or drive to reallywant to help her through that.
So I would get on the phone withher every single morning.
I'd coax her through it.
I talked to her and say you cando this.
I'd send her text messages everymorning.
(47:01):
and she'd be so anxious to thepoint where she'd be like sick,
like actually throwing up.
It was a really rough couple ofyears for her and we managed to
get her through that.
And she ended up graduating highschool on time and everything.
But it was a really hard timefor her.
And the reason why I say it'sone of my favorite memories Is
because like her and I justwe're able to share this
experience on a deeper level.
Cause I also experienced chronicanxiety.
(47:21):
And it was so nice to for us toshare this because no one knew
what it was like.
Our parents didn't know ordidn't understand.
And they just didn't have thepatience to help us through it.
So now that I was at a placewhere I could help her, I was
able to direct her and give herstrategies on how to deal with
it.
And I just remember we were on aplane coming back from Cuba, and
she was so sick and feelinganxious, and I just remember her
(47:43):
head was in my lap, and I wasjust brushing her hair, and I
just telling her it's okay, ifyou're gonna be sick, it's okay
if you're gonna be sick, and Iwas just helping her through it,
and Yeah, it was just, she waslike my little baby.
That's even when I said, whenshe was like, when I first came
into the room, when she was in acoma, I just, I dropped my knees
and I just kept saying my baby,my baby, that's that's my baby.
And I still to this day, that'swho she was to me.
(48:05):
She was my little baby that Ijust loved so, so, so, so much.
And, yeah, those memories I willtreasure forever.
And there's still so many morethat I could share, millions of
more.
Dr. Dean (48:15):
You can share as many as
Kassy Bowes (48:16):
but those are just some of my,
Dr. Dean (48:18):
I'd love to hear more
Kassy Bowes (48:19):
those are just some of my, yeah, she's just, she was
just so funny.
She was not afraid to be herselfat all.
was not ladylike whatsoever.
She was just so funny, wouldfart in public and not even
care, She was just that kind ofperson, Her friends, if they
listen to this, they'll laughbecause they know, that's just
who she was., She just, shedidn't care, and she was so
(48:42):
funny, and, She was just so likewild with her movements and make
all these funny sound effects.
And yeah, she's just She wassuch an old soul.
And I mean I didn't even Ididn't even mention this today
but she was really close withher dad's mom.
So we didn't have the same dad,but she was really close with
her nanny.
They had a very special bond herand her nanny and they were just
so so close Her nanny died sevendays, a week after she did.
(49:07):
Just massive heart attack.
Died, right after my sister did.
And, we all say, that was, itwas from a broken heart.
she didn't have a good heart tobegin with.
And that was just, the laststraw with her.
And, one thing I did say in myeulogy for her was just that,
Rheanna didn't have anyone upthere to watch out for her.
If there isn't up there, ifthere is a heaven, whatever that
may be, she doesn't have anyoneto watch out for.
But now, I feel a little bit ofcomfort knowing that she has her
(49:29):
nanny with her, a person thatshe just loved and adored so
much.
And it was wild because all thethings that my sister loved,
started disappearing or dyingafterwards.
Her cat passed away, right aftershe did too.
It was just such a weird thing.
It's like she took everythingthat was important to her with
her.
like the ones that she couldanyways.
She just took with her and...
Our dog passed away like beforeshe did a little bit, our family
(49:52):
dog, and it was just like, justwild that she just has all these
things that were precious to herand, but yeah, she was just such
a good kid.
She was such a good kid and itwas just really hard to see her
start to go down a path that wasjust not who she was, and it
was, I know it can happen.
You hear a family say it all thetime.
They were such a good kid.
I don't know what happened.
And they just started going downthis path, but she truly was
(50:13):
such a vulnerable person.
She was vulnerable to peoplehaving this influence on her.
I always worried about her as alittle girl because I was like,
man, you gotta be strong, yougotta be tough, you gotta stand
up to people, backbone, but shewasn't like that at all.
She would always shy away fromconflict.
She always just wanted to makeeveryone happy and was a people
pleaser.
She would never want to step onanybody's toes whatsoever.
(50:34):
That's just, wasn't her cup oftea.
And her best way was just toslide into the background of a
crowd, never wanted to be thecenter of attention.
And even I had a mini wake, Ihad a mini wake for her, just
me, our close family andfriends, and that was it.
And I just remember standingthere and I just remember saying
to the person next to me, and Ithink it was the first time that
I made a joke since she passed.
(50:56):
And I said, she would absolutelyfreaking hate this.
right now, she would justabsolutely hate that we are
standing here staring at herright now.
This is not what she would want.
I just I just said it out loud.
this is a terrible idea.
She would hate this.
And like, funerals really, atthe end of the day, I know
they're for the living.
They're not for the dead.
But I just, I couldn't help butthink that, She would absolutely
(51:17):
hate this.
she'd be like, oh my gosh, stoplooking at me right now.
But that's just who she was,right?
just never wanted to be thecenter of attention.
She was, she was a shy girl.
Dr. Dean (51:27):
Well, thank you for sharing.
I feel like I know a little bitmore about her or know her a
little bit.
So thank you so much.
And thanks for joining me
Kassy Bowes (51:35):
you're welcome.
Dr. Dean (51:37):
Thanks,
Kassy Bowes (51:37):
Angela
Dr. Dean (51:38):
You're welcome.
Thank you so much for listening.
Our theme song was written byJoe Mylwood and Brian Dean, and
was performed by Joe Mylwood.
If you would like moreinformation on the Broken Pack,
go to our website, the brokenpack.com.
Be sure to sign up for ournewsletter, Wild Grief, to learn
about opportunities and receiveexclusive information and
grieving tips for subscribers.
(52:00):
Information on that, our socialmedia and on our guests can be
found in the show notes whereveryou get your podcasts.
Please follow, subscribe, andshare.
Thanks again.
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