Session 72: Male Depression: The Hidden Signs

In this episode we explore the often-missed signs of male depression — the ones that don’t look like sadness, but still cut just as deep.
 
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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everybody, and welcome to Session number seventy two of
the Buddhist af Podcast, Episode two of a multi part
episode of Why Men Don't Talk about Mental Health. Today,
we are going to talk about male depression the hidden signs.
So last week we talked about how hard it is

(00:26):
for men to come out and share their feelings, and
it is hard for me as well. It's hard for
me to do it in front of someone. I have
built this wall, this barrier around me where I can
count on one hand, and a lot a lot of

(00:47):
people say this that they can count on one hand,
but I can literally count on one hand the people
I trust to open up to, and I keep in
contact with all of them. I have them on speed
dial just in case. Strangely enough, those people don't include

(01:12):
my wife, and that's okay. You don't have to speak
to somebody who is directly in front of you. You
can speak to anyone as long as you're speaking to someone,
and as long as you're being completely honest about it.
I have a hard time having deep conversations with my wife,

(01:34):
and it's not because I don't trust her. I trust
her with my life, I trust her with my son.
For God's sake. So it's just I don't feel comfortable
talking about those things with my wife, and here I
am talking to a few thousand people. Yeah, it's crazy

(02:00):
how many people have tuned in and here I am
speaking about how I'm not comfortable talking about how I'm
feeling with my wife. But I am perfectly comfortable talking
to a few thousand people. Well, the magic of it
is I don't have a camera on me. I'm not

(02:21):
in front of any of you, and so I can
let that wall down a little bit. I can let
myself feel vulnerable a little bit. In fact, I am
sitting in a chair, I am full honesty. I am
rocking back and forth as I am talking to you guys.
So there is some apprehension there, there is some nervousness there.

(02:46):
But this, again, if you've been listening for a very
long time, this is therapeutic for me. This is my
mental therapy. Be my psychiatrist. You guys are my psychiatrists.
And as I've labeled every episode, I've labeled them as

(03:07):
sessions because this is my therapy. And so this took
me some time to write. I was going to wait
for wait a bit before I talked about this, but
considering it's mental health awareness minority mental Health Awareness Month,

(03:29):
now is a good time as any. And so here
we are episode two of a multi part series that
talks about male depression and it's hidden signs. And recently
the anniversary of Anthony Bourdain past, and I wanted to

(03:53):
I wanted to write kind of like him again. He
was a mentor to me because as I grew up
in the kitchen industry, I grew up in the kitchen,
and so listening to his voice, listening to how he
talked his cadence, it was relaxing. And so whenever I

(04:15):
watched No Reservation, whenever I watched his other shows A
Cook's Tour, or if I read his books, they brought
me a lot of peace. And when he passed away,
when he took his own life, there's definitely a lot

(04:37):
of thoughts that went into that. I spoke a lot
about my own attempt And again, when you listen to
some of his interviews where he talked about how he
was very alone despite the fact that he was with
the crew he was in a very big he talked

(05:00):
about how he felt utterly alone because when he ate,
when he wrote, he was alone. His family was, you know,
thousands of miles away. He had gotten a divorce, and
he even said in one of his inreviews that he
was going to end up in a closet hanging himself,

(05:21):
and like, you know, we laughed that off. But maybe
maybe that was him calling out, Maybe that was him
asking for help. And you don't see those signs. You
don't know when a guy is going to go this
is it. I talk about that moment of clarity where

(05:46):
this is it. This is the clearest thing I've ever
done in my entire life. There is no distractions. I
can feel the universe essentially, like I said during my episode,

(06:07):
standing there on the cliff with you know, my shoes off,
my cell phone, my car keys, my wallet in my shoes.
I told you. I can hear the birds, I can
hear the waves crashing. I can smell the smells of
the restaurant across the street. I can see the blue

(06:29):
Lexus is three hundred driving by. That's the clarity I had,
and to this day, I remember it as clear as possible.
The sun was setting and it was a beautiful, beautiful picture.
Like if you took a picture of that moment, you know,

(06:50):
aside from the guy standing on the edge of the
cliff that's getting ready to jump, it would have been
a fantastic background picture. But again I snapped out of it.
I got out of it, and to this day, full
honesty for those listening, for those who are still suffering,

(07:14):
full honesty, I still have those thoughts. I still have
those dark feelings to this day. In fact, two days
ago is when I had my last thought. Two days ago,
sitting on a beach with my son, with my wife, smiling,

(07:39):
having a great time, and I just thought, yeah, I
can do this right here, right now, and I wouldn't
feel anything. And then that thought passed and I was

(08:00):
back to quote unquote normal. But yeah, those thoughts don't leave.
Those thoughts don't go away. You don't hide those in
a cardboard box and stash them in your dad's attic
along with your video game notes. No, they they come

(08:20):
with you. They are part of you, and it makes
you who you are. Like I can speak about it
because I've been there. I've been to meetings, I've been

(08:41):
to counselings with other people who've also had episodes, and
I'm able to relate. I can say, yeah, I've been there.
Not many people can say that. Not many people can go, yeah,
I've been there, most of those people aren't here. Those
who have been there aren't here. And so I'm not

(09:03):
saying I'm special, because despite what my social media says,
I am not. I am just a guy sitting in
a room that's eighty four degrees with nowhere conditioning because
I'm trying to get an episode out to maybe help

(09:25):
one or two people. That's it. That's who I am.
I'm somebody who put their son to sleep at eight
thirty and just moped about for a little bit, did
some dishes and took a shower, And here I am
in front of a microphone talking about my own problems.

(09:54):
But again, if it can help one or two people,
then it's all worth it. And in the in the
sense of Anthony Bourdain, I decided to write this episode
a little poetically. And I hope you guys are still listening,

(10:17):
and I hope you guys hang on for the rest
of the series. So today we are going to talk
about a storm most men carry in silence, a wound
that rarely bleeds where you can see it. We're talking
about male depression and the signs that hide in plain sight.

(10:38):
And if you're listening to this and thinking, yeah, but
that's not me, I just asked you to stick around
because this one might hit closer to home than you expect.
So here's the truth. Men struggle with depression, but more
often than not, they don't talk about it. And even

(11:00):
they're deep in it, it might not look like the
depression we expect. It might look like anger, or working
too much, or silence, or he's just being distant lately.
That's the danger because if we don't know what to

(11:20):
look for, we can't help. So let's look deeper. Let's
start with something honest. Men aren't often taught how to
recognize depression in themselves. In many cultures, especially the West,
boys are raised with phrases like man up, don't cry,

(11:41):
tough it out. When we think depression, we think stillness,
of tears, of people who've stopped moving. But men don't
always stop moving. Sometimes they speed up. They burn the
candle down on both ends and pretend they don't feel

(12:03):
the heat, and in that heat, they stopped feeling anything
at all. So let's talk about what it does look like.
Number One, irritable instead of sadness, not sadness, but a

(12:25):
hair trigger temper. He's not just moody, he's hurting and
doesn't know how to show it. So instead of looking
for weeping or withdrawn, a depressed man might seem angry,
easily frustrated, snapping at loved ones, road rage. The fuse

(12:49):
gets shorter, and nobody really connects that pain, but it
often is. Number two. Overworking, not just a job, a
full body escape, meetings, projects, hustle, aught to avoid the

(13:11):
silence that screams too loud when it's quiet. Some men
throw themselves into work, not because they're ambitious, but because
the silence of outside I'm sorry, but because the silence
outside of it feels unbearable. Business becomes a kind of armor.

(13:35):
Number three substance abuse. A drink at night, a puff
to relax, maybe pills, maybe pre workout, maybe anything to
not feel what's underneath the skin. Alcohol, weed, pills, or
even caffeine and nicotine. Not just socially but compulsively, These

(13:59):
can become quiet attempts to numb what can't be named
for physical pain. The body keeps the score back pain, headaches,
no trauma. The trauma is the absence, the weight of

(14:19):
holding it all in. Did you know that depression can
show up in your body? Back pain, headaches, digestive issues.
The body often screams what the mind tries to whisper.
Number five isolation. You don't notice it at first. He's
just been busy. He's still around, but the light's a

(14:44):
little dimmer every time you see him. Not always full
on disappearing. Sometimes it's subtle, turning down plans, staying busy,
but emotionally distant, conversation, stay shallow, You stop showing up
even when you're physically there. Number six and I can

(15:13):
attest to this humor as a mask. He's the funny one,
always making people laugh. But humor is a brilliant disguise,
a wall of sound to hide the quiet desperation. Joking
all the time, being the funny guy, it deflects real talk.

(15:37):
Humor becomes a disguise for the emptiness underneath. Number seven.
Risk taking, fast cars, sharp tongues, late night decisions with
high stake outcomes. Maybe it's thrill seeking. Maybe it's not
caring whether he lives or dies. See this one's tricky,

(16:00):
reckless driving, gambling, dangerous hobbies. Sometimes it's agenuline seeking. Sometimes
it's subconscious self destruction. So why does it go unnoticed?
Why don't we see it? Because I'm sorry? Because we

(16:24):
never taught our boys how to cry without apology. We
only taught them how to perform, how to protect, how
to pretend. When they break, they break in ways we don't.
I'm sorry. When they break, they break in ways that
don't look broken. Silent suicides, men who smile until they disappear,

(16:52):
men who leave notes or leave nothing at all. And
we say we didn't see it coming, but maybe we
weren't looking in the right places. Truth is, we don't
notice these signs in men because we don't expect them.

(17:13):
Society doesn't associate depression with toughness, with control, with masculinity,
but the emotional wiring is there. It just gets repressed, redirected,
or disguised, and sadly, many men don't reach out for
help until they're in absolute crisis, or worse, they don't

(17:38):
reach out at all. According to the CDC, men are
four times more likely than women to die by suicide.
And that's not a small gap. That's an emergency and
it's a silence that kills. So what do we do

(18:02):
if you're a man, and this feels like someone's reading
your journal. Please hear this. You don't have to carry
it alone. You don't have to man up, you don't
have to earn your healing. Say something, even if it's messy,
even if it's quiet, especially if it scares you. And

(18:26):
if you love a man, don't just ask how are you?
Ask again, and then listen, without fixing, without rushing, just
hold space. Sometimes love means not turning away. If you're
a man and some of his son's familiar, please know

(18:48):
you're not weak, you're not broken, and you're not alone.
Depression is not a character flaw. It's a health issue,
and it can be addressed. Talk to someone, a friend,
a therapist, a doctor, even an anonymous hotline. Send me
a message, just start somewhere, And if you love someone

(19:11):
who might be struggling, check in. Not just how are you,
but no, really, how are you? For real? And be
ready to listen, not fixed, just listen. Sometimes the strongest
thing a man can do is be vulnerable. Depression wears

(19:36):
many masks, but none of them are strength. None of
them are shame either to the men listening, your silence
doesn't make you strong, your story does. Even the cracked parts,
especially the cracked parts. Thanks for spending time with me.

(19:59):
And if this episode resonated with you or made you
think of someone in your life, don't keep it to yourself,
share it, start that conversation. Let's end this silence together,
So take care of yourself, take care of your heart,
take care of each other, and I will speak to

(20:21):
you guys next week or earlier. But as always, well opinion. Bye,