June 6, 2023 • 28 mins
Ever feel like you're stuck in the middle of a chaotic mess while chasing your dreams? That's the "messy middle" - a crucial stage where challenges arise, resilience is tested, and growth truly occurs. Join me in Episode 24 of the Calm Entrepreneur podcast as I shed light on understanding and embracing this often-overlooked part of any journey to success.
Discover practical advice on how to navigate the messy middle with confidence and determination. We'll discuss setting smaller, achievable goals, embracing the process, cultivating a growth mindset, and so much more. Plus, learn the importance of being kind to yourself, building a support network, remaining flexible, and celebrating progress along the way. Don't let the messy middle hold you back - tune in and learn how to persevere through any endeavor with grace and grit.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Corinne O'Flynn (00:00):
Hey there, my name is Corinne O'Flynn and
you're listening to the CalmEntrepreneur podcast.
I am a USA Today bestsellingauthor, non-profit executive and
organizing nerd with over 20years experience running my own
small businesses.
I teach entrepreneurs,solopreneurs and small business
owners like you how to organizeyour business, find more time
(00:21):
and deepen your alignmentpractice to experience more calm
and confidence every single day.
If you're looking for thatintersection between practical
business advice and spiritualgoodness, then you're in the
right place.
So sit back, relax and let'sdive into this week's episode of
the Calm Entrepreneur podcast.
Welcome, welcome to the CalmEntrepreneur podcast.
(00:44):
I'm your Corinne O'Flynn, andthis is episode 24.
Today, i wanted to talk aboutthe messy middle and I wanted to
talk about it within thecontext of success and how we
view success and how we approachour work, because I think it is
something that happens in everyfacet of our lives, no matter
(01:08):
when we embark on something, andit's definitely something that
I have experienced and also wetalk about in author land, and I
think that this is one of thosethings that's just universal.
It's something that I thinkeverybody understands, but I
think that we don't give itenough attention for how
important it is, just like astory unfolds, with an
(01:33):
introduction and then the risingaction and the climax and the
resolution.
Our lives and our careersfollow similar arcs.
There's the spark ofinspiration, right, then these
initial steps, and then thehardening of whatever it is that
we're doing with experience,and then the final
(01:53):
accomplishment, like theachievement of the goal.
And yet the focus often lies onthe beginning It's where the
energy is raw and uncontainableor the end, where there's all
the glory and the achievementand everything is shiny and
bright.
But the true substance of anyjourney, professional or
personal, lies in what is reallyless frequently spoken about,
(02:16):
and that is this messy middle.
And the messy middle is oftenthe longest period of any kind
of endeavor, right?
It's this grueling periodbetween the initial spark of
inspiration and the final result.
Right, and the final stage ofthis middle's place is the realm
where challenges areencountered, where problems are
(02:38):
resolved, where our resilienceis developed and tested.
It's the stage where everythingseems foggy and the finish line
looks like this mirage in thedistance.
Understanding and embracing thismessy middle is critical to
achieving meaningful andenduring success in any endeavor
(03:00):
.
And not just achieving success,it's actually achieving the
wherewithal to persevere,because if we don't learn how to
carry on, we'll never achieveany goals right, and that has a
lot to do with patience as well.
But it's really important, ithink, to understand the messy
middle, because the concept ofthe messy middle is something
(03:23):
that is, like I said earlier,it's truly a universal concept.
It's something that we find ineverything that we do, and it
comes in when we're learning anew skill, right, like building
a new company or starting a newpodcast, you know, from
strengthening personalrelationships and pursuing
fitness goals, or you know, justabout anything that we want to
(03:47):
do, from inception of the ideaall the way through to
completion, requires the abilityto persevere through that messy
middle.
And it's it's we call it themessy middle, because it's not
the easy middle, right, it'sthis, it's the doldrum middle,
it's the middle, so it'ssomething that it's where the
(04:10):
shine has has has come off of it, right.
It's where everything feels alittle bit droopy and we start
to have doubt and we start toworry if we made the wrong
choice or if we should pivot orif we should quit.
And I think that you know thejourney to any end point is
rarely a straight line fromstart to finish.
It involves a labyrinth oftrial and error and success and
(04:33):
failure and circling back andpivoting and learning and
iterating, and I think that thatis that is something that we
probably should talk more about,because I think that we focus
too much on the the edges of ofthat spectrum of achievement,
and I think we're all familiarwith what it feels like to be
(04:53):
stuck in the messy middle.
It's often characterized byfeelings of ambiguity and
self-doubt and this constantquestioning about whether or not
we've made the right choice.
And it's when the initialexcitement has gone and our
energy starts to like roll andit's not necessarily constant or
consistently high orconsistently low, and we just
(05:14):
kind of roll with this like thisnebulous, i'm not sure right,
and then reality sets in.
But it's also the place wheregrowth happens, it's where
character is built, it's whereskills are honed, it's where
lessons are learned And it'swhere we truly begin to
understand ourselves and ourcapabilities and then push
beyond them right to really testwhat it is that we've got to
(05:37):
see and challenge ourselves ifwe can get where we want to go
with the tools that we haveright.
And so it's really important, ithink, to embrace this messy
middle, and the first part ofthat is recognizing that it
exists, right, and that's justthe first step, because next,
and perhaps the most importantstep, is learning how to
navigate it without losing sightof the goal, because I think
(05:57):
that that's something that getsharder and harder, i think, as
we, as humans, move through thelife that we're living, because,
with technology the way that itis now, and expectations the
way that it is now, it's almostas though we're not allowed to
ruminate and percolate and sitin the stew of exploratory time
(06:20):
in the messy middle.
But we have to.
We need to look at it as anopportunity, right, it's this
play, it's the testing ground,it's where we adapt and it's
where we learn to pivot ascircumstances change, and we
learn to evolve in ways that wenever thought possible.
You know, it's whereperseverance grows And it lays
(06:43):
the foundation for the nextendeavor, because it's one of
those things, like you know,experience arrives just after
you need it.
But once you have thatexperience, you've got it for
the next time right, and youwon't have those experiences if
you quit, when things get boringor when things get sluggy, or
when they get foggy and theyfeel like we're never going to
finish.
So we have to persevere And Ithink that part of navigating
(07:09):
the messy middle is to look atit like you know, look at it
like it's an opportunity.
But it's also about breakingdown that goal and looking at
things in smaller pieces so thatthe middle part doesn't last
forever, which is, i think,really important.
I think that's why we chunkdown the goals.
I think that that's one of thebiggest probably you know pro
tips that we can take to kind ofmitigate the biggest pain
(07:34):
points of what it feels like tobe in the messy middle, because
it can be overwhelming when itfeels never ending, and so if we
don't learn how to powerthrough, we're going to have
burnout and we're going toabandon our goals.
Right.
But when we split things intosmaller achievable targets, that
can make the journey feel lessdaunting because we are hitting
(07:58):
milestones, and so we shortenthat span of what feels like
this messy middle.
And I think that in the processof doing that honoring that the
messy middle exists and lookingat it as an opportunity and
then breaking our goals downinto chunks to trick our minds
into thinking that the messymiddle are shorter we actually
are cultivating a practice ofpatience and self-compassion,
(08:18):
because it's not about instantgratification, right.
Nothing nothing is nothingthat's worth doing comes in that
way, and it's more about reallyembracing consistent progress.
Mistakes and setbacks areinevitable and they don't need
to be roadblocks.
They can be valuable learningopportunities And if we treat
them as such and remember to bekind to ourselves in the process
, that's, i think, the paththrough.
(08:40):
And this is not actually justlimited to like tangible goals,
like projects with our work.
Right, this is everything.
This is self-development, thisis personal development, this is
learning new skills, but it'salso learning how to handle our
emotions.
It's developing our emotionalmaturity, and all the things in
(09:01):
our life need to be framedagainst the willingness and the
understanding of dealing in themessy middle.
By only focusing on the extremesthe start and the end of
something we run the risk ofromanticizing the journey.
Right, we fail to appreciatethe value of that messy middle,
(09:21):
because we now know, right, thisis where the magic happens.
But I think that When we focuson the extremes in that spectrum
, which is the beginning and theend, that's kind of like living
your life on Instagram, lookingat somebody else's fabulousness
But there's nothing wrong withsharing your successes But
(09:44):
nobody really talks about whatit looks like in this log, or
you know what I shouldn't say?
nobody, i think that few peopledo, but that number is growing,
i think because we're kind ofreleasing our hold on this
unrealistic aspiration of thisperfection, of this beautiful,
sculpted and staged kind of life.
(10:05):
I think that that's arefreshing change for me, but
it's something that I'mdefinitely leaning into.
I resist the high polish inevery way.
It's not because I'm lazy orsloppy or anything like that,
it's just so.
Not me, right, it's just notwho I am.
I think that more people arerealizing that that's okay too,
(10:27):
that there's actually more of usin that space of the realistic
messy middle.
When we see that reflected backto us on social media, that's
wonderful.
But that's what I mean aboutromanticizing the journey,
because if all we ever focus onis the goal and looking at other
people achieving the goal,right, like climbing Mount
(10:47):
Everest we see pictures ofpeople climbing Mount Everest
and you watch the documentariesand you realize, oh my gosh,
like the whole messy middle ofgetting up to the top of Mount
Everest is something else, right, it is not a pretty thing, but
if we didn't know that, all wewould think is that well, why
aren't we doing that fabulousthing and taking our picture at
the top of the mountain?
It's about having this realism,but it's also about balancing
(11:13):
optimism in there.
I think that we have to temperambition with patience.
We have to understand that itisn't merely about the
attainment of the goal, but it'sabout what we learn along the
way.
It's the climb.
To quote Miley Cyrus, thejourney is what it's all about.
(11:33):
I was talking to my daughterlast night and she was actually
talking about poetry and anEnglish teacher that she had in
high school and the poem abouthow the take in the road less
traveled.
I think that's one of thosethings where it's at least for
me it's been misunderstood in alot of ways because I took the
(11:53):
road less traveled and that madeall the difference.
I don't think what that meansis that I took the road that
nobody else has taken.
I think what it means is thateither choice led me to where
I'm at right, not that bothroads would have ended there,
but you are where you're atbecause of the road you took,
(12:14):
and therein lies the gems.
You can't get there from hereis, i think, the lesson.
There You can't look at theother path and say what could
have been.
You can only look at the paththat you took and say that
that's what made all thedifference, and I think that
(12:35):
that's something that is kind ofmissed in there sometimes.
At least, when I talked to mykid about how they were taught
that poem and what theydiscussed in class, so I just
thought that was an interestingthing And that's part of why I
wanted to talk about this today,because everything you've done
has led you to here.
And it's one of those thingslike if you had a time machine
(12:55):
and you could go back and youcould change things, what would
you change?
And when you really sit downand think about it, the answer
in many cases is going to benothing, because anything you
change is going to changeeverything that comes after.
And are you willing to wipeaway all the things that happen
between then and now?
Like, i'm not, and I've beenthrough some dark stuff.
(13:19):
So I think that all the roadslead to here and all those roads
and that part that led to hereif I look at here as the goal,
as the endpoint, because I havenothing else to look at
Everything happened past, here,right here I am now.
Everything before here has beenthe messy middle, so I think
it's kind of a little bit of amindbender when you really think
(13:42):
about it like that.
I think that's the point.
You know, we have to stoplooking forward and
romanticizing the goal andinstead really sit in the moment
because, really, like now's,all we have Right, all we get is
right now.
You know, the past doesn'texist, the future doesn't exist,
all we have is this moment.
And if, in this moment, allyou're doing is looking forward,
(14:05):
you're not actually here.
And If the thing that's pushingyou to look forward is the fact
that right now feels like aslog Because you're sitting like
up to your neck in the messymiddle, then I think that's a
reframe that has to happen there, because the messy middle is
where it's at.
So, cherishing the journey andembracing the struggle in the
middle phase Means that not onlyare you aiming for the
(14:29):
destination right, because we'reall hopefully going somewhere,
but we're also valuing thetransformations that are
happening in the process.
And I think that when we reallyare mindful of what's happening
in that messy middle, itprepares us to handle future
challenges right, and that'sagain personal growth, career
advancement, parenting.
(14:50):
It's, it's Everything,everything under the Sun, right,
it makes everything morerealistic, it makes us more
resilient and it helps us have amore grounded approach to to
life.
So some tips that I have for Howto think through or at least
how I think through Reallysetting into this messy middle
(15:14):
and making the messy middle whatit's all about.
The first one is to set smaller, achievable goals.
Like I said earlier, havinghaving an overarching, learned,
long-term goal is vital.
Right, we have our yearly goalsand some people have their
five-year goals and And I'veshared before that I have given
up on the 10-year five-yearbecause I pivot too much.
You guys, i change my stuff.
(15:36):
But my long-term goals, myone-year goals, my two-year
goals you know those tend tofeel like the right time frame
for me.
But within that year to yeargoal, i have Six month goals,
quarterly goals, monthly goalsand when I set smaller goals
with achievable milestones, thatcan be really helpful because
(15:57):
Then I have these little finishlines that are happening along
the way and that makes the messymiddle smaller.
And again, embrace the processright, understand that the
journey toward anythingsignificant involves these up
and downs.
It didn't it.
You can't get there without themiddle.
So, embracing the process oflearning and evolving and
growing.
You know, instead of avoidingchallenges and like we don't, we
(16:21):
can't avoid the challenges Wehave to look at them and say,
well, what's the next challengeand how am I gonna get through
that and how am I gonna Overcomethat and what am I gonna learn
here?
right, that's, that's what Ithink embracing the process of
really living in that middlelooks like.
And, of course, my next, mynext tip is my favorite thing of
all time Cultivate a growthmindset.
(16:43):
Right, adopting a growth mindsetcan significantly impact how
you navigate through the messymiddle.
You know, believing in yourcapacity develop, to develop new
skills, to learn and to improveis Is everything, because it
means that there isn't a failure.
It means that it's you know,you have that experimental
mindset.
If you will, and When you havea setback, it's not a measure of
(17:07):
your worth, it has nothing todo with you, it's this thing
that you're embarking on.
So, growth mindset, growthmindset every day, a growth
mindset.
If I could hand things out likethat at Christmas, i'd give out
growth mindset to everybody,because That's, you know, the
world needs a whole lot more ofthat.
And my next, my next point, isto practice Self-compassion,
(17:30):
right, like be kind to yourself.
The journey through the mess ofthe messy middle.
It's becoming a tongue twister,you guys.
The journey through the messymiddle can feel fraud, with what
looks like failures and whatlooks like setbacks, you know,
and instead of dealing withourselves Through harsh
criticism, we need to practicecompassion for ourselves.
(17:53):
We need to recognize that itisn't about These ups and downs.
The ups and downs areinevitable.
They have they.
We can't get to the to the goalwithout them.
They're not an indication ofour personal flaws, right,
they're just part of theexperience and they're a normal
thing.
In fact, if you had a goal thathad absolutely zero setbacks,
(18:14):
that that'd be kind of weird,don't you think?
like, what would you havelearned in that thing?
Like it's cool to havesomething that you can do with
your eyes closed, like, yeah, ican, i can fold laundry like
nobody's business, but that's,you know, that's not a goal
That's worthy of, of Perseveringthrough.
Like the things that are worthdoing are gonna have that messy
part, and I think that that'ssomething with with practicing
(18:37):
self-compassion, you know, itbecomes really important.
And And alongside that isdevelop a support network,
having people around you thatunderstand and Speak your
language about the perseveranceand about the personal journey
and about this need for supportCan be invaluable, and it's
especially helpful if You have agroup of people and I talk
(19:00):
about this in many episodes,about having like a mastermind
or an accountability group orsome kind of peer group with
other people who are alsoembarking on journeys of their
own, because then you cansupport each other and you can,
you know, bounce ideas off eachother and then Lean on each
other when stuff starts to feellike it's you know, go on
nowhere.
(19:20):
Remain flexible.
We need to make sure that weare able to pivot when pivoting
has to happen, and sometimespivoting doesn't mean pivoting
away from a goal.
It could be pivoting on yourmethod.
You may need to have a newstrategy, try something out that
you wouldn't have done before,which you could get those ideas
(19:41):
from the brainstorms, from yourpeer group or your mastermind.
Or maybe it's about pivotingthe timeline.
Maybe it's about elongating thetimeline or shortening the
timeline or cutting out a fewsteps and taking corners a
little more tightly than youmight have before, or widely.
Flexibility can be added to anyaspect of the things that we're
(20:03):
doing, and it's often the keyto moving forward when we
encounter roadblocks during thismessy middle And again
celebrate progress.
The idea of breaking things upinto smaller goals is all about
being able to celebrate themilestones out along the way.
So regularly acknowledging andcelebrating the progress you've
made is a really big deal, andthis is something that I had to
(20:26):
really embrace.
It wasn't something that I did,naturally, and my mastermind
group has made that a thing.
Whenever we share the stuffthat we're doing, when we hit a
milestone and I think all of ustend to we share what's going on
and what we've achieved Andwe're just listing off the
(20:46):
things that we've done and we'regoing on to the next thing.
Inevitably somebody else in thegroup would be like excuse me,
pause right there for a momentAnd we have a moment of applause
and cheering for this thingthat.
Did you forget how hard thatwas two weeks ago?
And here you are, you're doneand you're just going to move on
Absolutely not.
So celebrate your progress andshare your celebrations with
(21:11):
other people and bring otherpeople in when you're working on
something, because they canboost your motivation and they
can help you and you can lean onthem.
But it's also it shortens thatmessy middle because you have
little baby finish lines alongthe way.
And my last tip here issomething that it was probably
one of the best pieces of advicethat I've ever received, and it
(21:33):
was from another author and ithad to do with authoring, but
it's a universal piece of wisdomAnd I, like whenever I'm asked
what's the best advice you'veever received, or, you know,
share one piece of wisdom with agroup of people.
It's this let go of urgency,let go of this sense of urgency.
(21:59):
The urgency isn't real.
It's something that we areprojecting from within And it's
this rush toward the end and itforces us to speed by without
really engaging in the process.
But it also causes so muchunnecessary stress, which can
(22:19):
lead to burnout.
But it also it bypassespatients And I think that we
lose sight of the work And Ithink that that's dangerous.
I think that, especially asentrepreneurs and I, like this
is one of those things that youknow I say all the time you are
an entrepreneur, you chose thisbusiness, you chose this as your
(22:45):
business for a reason, and Idon't think it's because you
hate it.
There's something about thisthat you love, there's something
about this that calls to you,and I think that if we're able
to steep ourselves in that andreally fall back in love with
the work that we do.
I think that that will not onlyhelp us, you know, in the messy
(23:07):
middle, but it really does letgo of that sense of urgency.
And whenever I talk about thissense of urgency and the need to
release it, i'm reminded of abook called The Practicing Mind
by Thomas Stirner S-T-E-R-N-E-R,and I will add that link in the
show notes, but it's an ittybitty book.
(23:27):
You can read it in one sitting.
But he tells the story aboutthe value of really sitting in
your work and really likeletting go of time and focusing
deeply and what that does andhow that really.
You know it makes you a timebender And it's a wonderful
(23:50):
thing, but I think that that isthe medicine, that is something
to really embrace and think onif you struggle with that, if
you struggle with the sense ofurgency, if you feel like the
clock is running out and you'relate to the party and there's
not enough time for you.
First of all, let me just tellyou, absolutely not Like.
(24:13):
You're here at the exact righttime.
The ship has not sailed.
There is room for everyone.
There is room for you And thereis room for you.
Whenever you get there, youdon't have to rush, you don't
have to stress, you need toarrive bright-eyed and bushy.
(24:35):
You need to be like fully huewhen you get there, and the only
way to really do that is torelease that urgency And, i
think, fall back in love withyour work.
That's the way that thathappens.
And so, in an era where successstories are truly boiled down to
highlight reels that focus onlyon the highs and they overlook
(24:58):
the lows, i think it's reallyimportant to remember the value
of that messy middle and thefact of the messy middle.
And when you are looking atsomebody who's achieving a goal
and you're saying, oh, i want,they're doing something that I
want to do, instead of lookingat that goal and having any
(25:19):
negative thoughts about, well,i'm so far behind, i haven't
even started.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I challenge you to look at whatthey've achieved and imagine
all the things that it actuallytook to get there, because some
people do share, like the steps,how I got here, but a lot of
people don't.
And I think that we get reallystuck up in that FOMO thing and
(25:42):
that feeling that we're nevergonna get there because we just
we're doing it wrong.
And I think that that's areally good exercise to do.
If you say somebody doingsomething that you wanna do or
something that's like what youwanna do, or they're
experiencing joy in anachievement and you wanna have
an achievement in something thatyou wanna do, that's not even
what they did, but somethingcompletely separate for you.
(26:02):
Imagine if you were therefilming the documentary and the
end scene was all that gotposted on their Instagram, for
example.
Imagine what the rest of thatnine hours of documentary
footage looked like, and placeyourself in those scenes,
because that's really where it'sall happening.
(26:23):
Because I think it's reallyimportant that we don't see the
messy middle as something toendure.
Instead, i think we should viewit as a vital stage to engage
with and to learn from right.
It's not just the road tosuccess, but it's a journey in
its own right and it's full oflessons to learn and skills to
(26:44):
acquire and experiences to savor.
So the next time that you findyourself in the messy middle, i
urge you to stop and don't tryto rush through it, because I
think the messy middle is wherelife happens right.
It's where growth occurs, and Ithink that that is where
success actually and truly takesshape.
(27:06):
So that's all I've got for youthis week.
Thank you so much for listening.
I'll check you out next time.
Remember, part of being a calmentrepreneur is developing the
systems, habits and know-howthat lets you know that you are
the one in the driver's seat.
You get to choose how you runyour business and you get to
(27:27):
choose how you work.
So you got this.
I hope you enjoyed listening tothis episode of the Calm
Entrepreneur Podcast.
I'm Corinne O'Flynn and if thisepisode was valuable to you,
please head on over and rate andreview.
Wherever you consume yourpodcasts.
Please subscribe so you'llnever miss an episode.
(27:48):
New episodes go out each weekon Tuesdays and I look forward
to hanging with you again.
This is Corinne signing off.
Have an excellent day.
Hey there, my name is Corinne O'Flynn and
you're listening to the CalmEntrepreneur podcast.
I am a USA Today bestsellingauthor, non-profit executive and
organizing nerd with over 20years experience running my own
small businesses.
I teach entrepreneurs,solopreneurs and small business
owners like you how to organizeyour business, find more time
(00:21):
and deepen your alignmentpractice to experience more calm
and confidence every single day.
If you're looking for thatintersection between practical
business advice and spiritualgoodness, then you're in the
right place.
So sit back, relax and let'sdive into this week's episode of
the Calm Entrepreneur podcast.
Welcome, welcome to the CalmEntrepreneur podcast.
(00:44):
I'm your Corinne O'Flynn, andthis is episode 24.
Today, i wanted to talk aboutthe messy middle and I wanted to
talk about it within thecontext of success and how we
view success and how we approachour work, because I think it is
something that happens in everyfacet of our lives, no matter
(01:08):
when we embark on something, andit's definitely something that
I have experienced and also wetalk about in author land, and I
think that this is one of thosethings that's just universal.
It's something that I thinkeverybody understands, but I
think that we don't give itenough attention for how
important it is, just like astory unfolds, with an
(01:33):
introduction and then the risingaction and the climax and the
resolution.
Our lives and our careersfollow similar arcs.
There's the spark ofinspiration, right, then these
initial steps, and then thehardening of whatever it is that
we're doing with experience,and then the final
(01:53):
accomplishment, like theachievement of the goal.
And yet the focus often lies onthe beginning It's where the
energy is raw and uncontainableor the end, where there's all
the glory and the achievementand everything is shiny and
bright.
But the true substance of anyjourney, professional or
personal, lies in what is reallyless frequently spoken about,
(02:16):
and that is this messy middle.
And the messy middle is oftenthe longest period of any kind
of endeavor, right?
It's this grueling periodbetween the initial spark of
inspiration and the final result.
Right, and the final stage ofthis middle's place is the realm
where challenges areencountered, where problems are
(02:38):
resolved, where our resilienceis developed and tested.
It's the stage where everythingseems foggy and the finish line
looks like this mirage in thedistance.
Understanding and embracing thismessy middle is critical to
achieving meaningful andenduring success in any endeavor
(03:00):
.
And not just achieving success,it's actually achieving the
wherewithal to persevere,because if we don't learn how to
carry on, we'll never achieveany goals right, and that has a
lot to do with patience as well.
But it's really important, ithink, to understand the messy
middle, because the concept ofthe messy middle is something
(03:23):
that is, like I said earlier,it's truly a universal concept.
It's something that we find ineverything that we do, and it
comes in when we're learning anew skill, right, like building
a new company or starting a newpodcast, you know, from
strengthening personalrelationships and pursuing
fitness goals, or you know, justabout anything that we want to
(03:47):
do, from inception of the ideaall the way through to
completion, requires the abilityto persevere through that messy
middle.
And it's it's we call it themessy middle, because it's not
the easy middle, right, it'sthis, it's the doldrum middle,
it's the middle, so it'ssomething that it's where the
(04:10):
shine has has has come off of it, right.
It's where everything feels alittle bit droopy and we start
to have doubt and we start toworry if we made the wrong
choice or if we should pivot orif we should quit.
And I think that you know thejourney to any end point is
rarely a straight line fromstart to finish.
It involves a labyrinth oftrial and error and success and
(04:33):
failure and circling back andpivoting and learning and
iterating, and I think that thatis that is something that we
probably should talk more about,because I think that we focus
too much on the the edges of ofthat spectrum of achievement,
and I think we're all familiarwith what it feels like to be
(04:53):
stuck in the messy middle.
It's often characterized byfeelings of ambiguity and
self-doubt and this constantquestioning about whether or not
we've made the right choice.
And it's when the initialexcitement has gone and our
energy starts to like roll andit's not necessarily constant or
consistently high orconsistently low, and we just
(05:14):
kind of roll with this like thisnebulous, i'm not sure right,
and then reality sets in.
But it's also the place wheregrowth happens, it's where
character is built, it's whereskills are honed, it's where
lessons are learned And it'swhere we truly begin to
understand ourselves and ourcapabilities and then push
beyond them right to really testwhat it is that we've got to
(05:37):
see and challenge ourselves ifwe can get where we want to go
with the tools that we haveright.
And so it's really important, ithink, to embrace this messy
middle, and the first part ofthat is recognizing that it
exists, right, and that's justthe first step, because next,
and perhaps the most importantstep, is learning how to
navigate it without losing sightof the goal, because I think
(05:57):
that that's something that getsharder and harder, i think, as
we, as humans, move through thelife that we're living, because,
with technology the way that itis now, and expectations the
way that it is now, it's almostas though we're not allowed to
ruminate and percolate and sitin the stew of exploratory time
(06:20):
in the messy middle.
But we have to.
We need to look at it as anopportunity, right, it's this
play, it's the testing ground,it's where we adapt and it's
where we learn to pivot ascircumstances change, and we
learn to evolve in ways that wenever thought possible.
You know, it's whereperseverance grows And it lays
(06:43):
the foundation for the nextendeavor, because it's one of
those things, like you know,experience arrives just after
you need it.
But once you have thatexperience, you've got it for
the next time right, and youwon't have those experiences if
you quit, when things get boringor when things get sluggy, or
when they get foggy and theyfeel like we're never going to
finish.
So we have to persevere And Ithink that part of navigating
(07:09):
the messy middle is to look atit like you know, look at it
like it's an opportunity.
But it's also about breakingdown that goal and looking at
things in smaller pieces so thatthe middle part doesn't last
forever, which is, i think,really important.
I think that's why we chunkdown the goals.
I think that that's one of thebiggest probably you know pro
tips that we can take to kind ofmitigate the biggest pain
(07:34):
points of what it feels like tobe in the messy middle, because
it can be overwhelming when itfeels never ending, and so if we
don't learn how to powerthrough, we're going to have
burnout and we're going toabandon our goals.
Right.
But when we split things intosmaller achievable targets, that
can make the journey feel lessdaunting because we are hitting
(07:58):
milestones, and so we shortenthat span of what feels like
this messy middle.
And I think that in the processof doing that honoring that the
messy middle exists and lookingat it as an opportunity and
then breaking our goals downinto chunks to trick our minds
into thinking that the messymiddle are shorter we actually
are cultivating a practice ofpatience and self-compassion,
(08:18):
because it's not about instantgratification, right.
Nothing nothing is nothingthat's worth doing comes in that
way, and it's more about reallyembracing consistent progress.
Mistakes and setbacks areinevitable and they don't need
to be roadblocks.
They can be valuable learningopportunities And if we treat
them as such and remember to bekind to ourselves in the process
, that's, i think, the paththrough.
(08:40):
And this is not actually justlimited to like tangible goals,
like projects with our work.
Right, this is everything.
This is self-development, thisis personal development, this is
learning new skills, but it'salso learning how to handle our
emotions.
It's developing our emotionalmaturity, and all the things in
(09:01):
our life need to be framedagainst the willingness and the
understanding of dealing in themessy middle.
By only focusing on the extremesthe start and the end of
something we run the risk ofromanticizing the journey.
Right, we fail to appreciatethe value of that messy middle,
(09:21):
because we now know, right, thisis where the magic happens.
But I think that When we focuson the extremes in that spectrum
, which is the beginning and theend, that's kind of like living
your life on Instagram, lookingat somebody else's fabulousness
But there's nothing wrong withsharing your successes But
(09:44):
nobody really talks about whatit looks like in this log, or
you know what I shouldn't say?
nobody, i think that few peopledo, but that number is growing,
i think because we're kind ofreleasing our hold on this
unrealistic aspiration of thisperfection, of this beautiful,
sculpted and staged kind of life.
(10:05):
I think that that's arefreshing change for me, but
it's something that I'mdefinitely leaning into.
I resist the high polish inevery way.
It's not because I'm lazy orsloppy or anything like that,
it's just so.
Not me, right, it's just notwho I am.
I think that more people arerealizing that that's okay too,
(10:27):
that there's actually more of usin that space of the realistic
messy middle.
When we see that reflected backto us on social media, that's
wonderful.
But that's what I mean aboutromanticizing the journey,
because if all we ever focus onis the goal and looking at other
people achieving the goal,right, like climbing Mount
(10:47):
Everest we see pictures ofpeople climbing Mount Everest
and you watch the documentariesand you realize, oh my gosh,
like the whole messy middle ofgetting up to the top of Mount
Everest is something else, right, it is not a pretty thing, but
if we didn't know that, all wewould think is that well, why
aren't we doing that fabulousthing and taking our picture at
the top of the mountain?
It's about having this realism,but it's also about balancing
(11:13):
optimism in there.
I think that we have to temperambition with patience.
We have to understand that itisn't merely about the
attainment of the goal, but it'sabout what we learn along the
way.
It's the climb.
To quote Miley Cyrus, thejourney is what it's all about.
(11:33):
I was talking to my daughterlast night and she was actually
talking about poetry and anEnglish teacher that she had in
high school and the poem abouthow the take in the road less
traveled.
I think that's one of thosethings where it's at least for
me it's been misunderstood in alot of ways because I took the
(11:53):
road less traveled and that madeall the difference.
I don't think what that meansis that I took the road that
nobody else has taken.
I think what it means is thateither choice led me to where
I'm at right, not that bothroads would have ended there,
but you are where you're atbecause of the road you took,
(12:14):
and therein lies the gems.
You can't get there from hereis, i think, the lesson.
There You can't look at theother path and say what could
have been.
You can only look at the paththat you took and say that
that's what made all thedifference, and I think that
(12:35):
that's something that is kind ofmissed in there sometimes.
At least, when I talked to mykid about how they were taught
that poem and what theydiscussed in class, so I just
thought that was an interestingthing And that's part of why I
wanted to talk about this today,because everything you've done
has led you to here.
And it's one of those thingslike if you had a time machine
(12:55):
and you could go back and youcould change things, what would
you change?
And when you really sit downand think about it, the answer
in many cases is going to benothing, because anything you
change is going to changeeverything that comes after.
And are you willing to wipeaway all the things that happen
between then and now?
Like, i'm not, and I've beenthrough some dark stuff.
(13:19):
So I think that all the roadslead to here and all those roads
and that part that led to hereif I look at here as the goal,
as the endpoint, because I havenothing else to look at
Everything happened past, here,right here I am now.
Everything before here has beenthe messy middle, so I think
it's kind of a little bit of amindbender when you really think
(13:42):
about it like that.
I think that's the point.
You know, we have to stoplooking forward and
romanticizing the goal andinstead really sit in the moment
because, really, like now's,all we have Right, all we get is
right now.
You know, the past doesn'texist, the future doesn't exist,
all we have is this moment.
And if, in this moment, allyou're doing is looking forward,
(14:05):
you're not actually here.
And If the thing that's pushingyou to look forward is the fact
that right now feels like aslog Because you're sitting like
up to your neck in the messymiddle, then I think that's a
reframe that has to happen there, because the messy middle is
where it's at.
So, cherishing the journey andembracing the struggle in the
middle phase Means that not onlyare you aiming for the
(14:29):
destination right, because we'reall hopefully going somewhere,
but we're also valuing thetransformations that are
happening in the process.
And I think that when we reallyare mindful of what's happening
in that messy middle, itprepares us to handle future
challenges right, and that'sagain personal growth, career
advancement, parenting.
(14:50):
It's, it's Everything,everything under the Sun, right,
it makes everything morerealistic, it makes us more
resilient and it helps us have amore grounded approach to to
life.
So some tips that I have for Howto think through or at least
how I think through Reallysetting into this messy middle
(15:14):
and making the messy middle whatit's all about.
The first one is to set smaller, achievable goals.
Like I said earlier, havinghaving an overarching, learned,
long-term goal is vital.
Right, we have our yearly goalsand some people have their
five-year goals and And I'veshared before that I have given
up on the 10-year five-yearbecause I pivot too much.
You guys, i change my stuff.
(15:36):
But my long-term goals, myone-year goals, my two-year
goals you know those tend tofeel like the right time frame
for me.
But within that year to yeargoal, i have Six month goals,
quarterly goals, monthly goalsand when I set smaller goals
with achievable milestones, thatcan be really helpful because
(15:57):
Then I have these little finishlines that are happening along
the way and that makes the messymiddle smaller.
And again, embrace the processright, understand that the
journey toward anythingsignificant involves these up
and downs.
It didn't it.
You can't get there without themiddle.
So, embracing the process oflearning and evolving and
growing.
You know, instead of avoidingchallenges and like we don't, we
(16:21):
can't avoid the challenges Wehave to look at them and say,
well, what's the next challengeand how am I gonna get through
that and how am I gonna Overcomethat and what am I gonna learn
here?
right, that's, that's what Ithink embracing the process of
really living in that middlelooks like.
And, of course, my next, mynext tip is my favorite thing of
all time Cultivate a growthmindset.
(16:43):
Right, adopting a growth mindsetcan significantly impact how
you navigate through the messymiddle.
You know, believing in yourcapacity develop, to develop new
skills, to learn and to improveis Is everything, because it
means that there isn't a failure.
It means that it's you know,you have that experimental
mindset.
If you will, and When you havea setback, it's not a measure of
(17:07):
your worth, it has nothing todo with you, it's this thing
that you're embarking on.
So, growth mindset, growthmindset every day, a growth
mindset.
If I could hand things out likethat at Christmas, i'd give out
growth mindset to everybody,because That's, you know, the
world needs a whole lot more ofthat.
And my next, my next point, isto practice Self-compassion,
(17:30):
right, like be kind to yourself.
The journey through the mess ofthe messy middle.
It's becoming a tongue twister,you guys.
The journey through the messymiddle can feel fraud, with what
looks like failures and whatlooks like setbacks, you know,
and instead of dealing withourselves Through harsh
criticism, we need to practicecompassion for ourselves.
(17:53):
We need to recognize that itisn't about These ups and downs.
The ups and downs areinevitable.
They have they.
We can't get to the to the goalwithout them.
They're not an indication ofour personal flaws, right,
they're just part of theexperience and they're a normal
thing.
In fact, if you had a goal thathad absolutely zero setbacks,
(18:14):
that that'd be kind of weird,don't you think?
like, what would you havelearned in that thing?
Like it's cool to havesomething that you can do with
your eyes closed, like, yeah, ican, i can fold laundry like
nobody's business, but that's,you know, that's not a goal
That's worthy of, of Perseveringthrough.
Like the things that are worthdoing are gonna have that messy
part, and I think that that'ssomething with with practicing
(18:37):
self-compassion, you know, itbecomes really important.
And And alongside that isdevelop a support network,
having people around you thatunderstand and Speak your
language about the perseveranceand about the personal journey
and about this need for supportCan be invaluable, and it's
especially helpful if You have agroup of people and I talk
(19:00):
about this in many episodes,about having like a mastermind
or an accountability group orsome kind of peer group with
other people who are alsoembarking on journeys of their
own, because then you cansupport each other and you can,
you know, bounce ideas off eachother and then Lean on each
other when stuff starts to feellike it's you know, go on
nowhere.
(19:20):
Remain flexible.
We need to make sure that weare able to pivot when pivoting
has to happen, and sometimespivoting doesn't mean pivoting
away from a goal.
It could be pivoting on yourmethod.
You may need to have a newstrategy, try something out that
you wouldn't have done before,which you could get those ideas
(19:41):
from the brainstorms, from yourpeer group or your mastermind.
Or maybe it's about pivotingthe timeline.
Maybe it's about elongating thetimeline or shortening the
timeline or cutting out a fewsteps and taking corners a
little more tightly than youmight have before, or widely.
Flexibility can be added to anyaspect of the things that we're
(20:03):
doing, and it's often the keyto moving forward when we
encounter roadblocks during thismessy middle And again
celebrate progress.
The idea of breaking things upinto smaller goals is all about
being able to celebrate themilestones out along the way.
So regularly acknowledging andcelebrating the progress you've
made is a really big deal, andthis is something that I had to
(20:26):
really embrace.
It wasn't something that I did,naturally, and my mastermind
group has made that a thing.
Whenever we share the stuffthat we're doing, when we hit a
milestone and I think all of ustend to we share what's going on
and what we've achieved Andwe're just listing off the
(20:46):
things that we've done and we'regoing on to the next thing.
Inevitably somebody else in thegroup would be like excuse me,
pause right there for a momentAnd we have a moment of applause
and cheering for this thingthat.
Did you forget how hard thatwas two weeks ago?
And here you are, you're doneand you're just going to move on
Absolutely not.
So celebrate your progress andshare your celebrations with
(21:11):
other people and bring otherpeople in when you're working on
something, because they canboost your motivation and they
can help you and you can lean onthem.
But it's also it shortens thatmessy middle because you have
little baby finish lines alongthe way.
And my last tip here issomething that it was probably
one of the best pieces of advicethat I've ever received, and it
(21:33):
was from another author and ithad to do with authoring, but
it's a universal piece of wisdomAnd I, like whenever I'm asked
what's the best advice you'veever received, or, you know,
share one piece of wisdom with agroup of people.
It's this let go of urgency,let go of this sense of urgency.
(21:59):
The urgency isn't real.
It's something that we areprojecting from within And it's
this rush toward the end and itforces us to speed by without
really engaging in the process.
But it also causes so muchunnecessary stress, which can
(22:19):
lead to burnout.
But it also it bypassespatients And I think that we
lose sight of the work And Ithink that that's dangerous.
I think that, especially asentrepreneurs and I, like this
is one of those things that youknow I say all the time you are
an entrepreneur, you chose thisbusiness, you chose this as your
(22:45):
business for a reason, and Idon't think it's because you
hate it.
There's something about thisthat you love, there's something
about this that calls to you,and I think that if we're able
to steep ourselves in that andreally fall back in love with
the work that we do.
I think that that will not onlyhelp us, you know, in the messy
(23:07):
middle, but it really does letgo of that sense of urgency.
And whenever I talk about thissense of urgency and the need to
release it, i'm reminded of abook called The Practicing Mind
by Thomas Stirner S-T-E-R-N-E-R,and I will add that link in the
show notes, but it's an ittybitty book.
(23:27):
You can read it in one sitting.
But he tells the story aboutthe value of really sitting in
your work and really likeletting go of time and focusing
deeply and what that does andhow that really.
You know it makes you a timebender And it's a wonderful
(23:50):
thing, but I think that that isthe medicine, that is something
to really embrace and think onif you struggle with that, if
you struggle with the sense ofurgency, if you feel like the
clock is running out and you'relate to the party and there's
not enough time for you.
First of all, let me just tellyou, absolutely not Like.
(24:13):
You're here at the exact righttime.
The ship has not sailed.
There is room for everyone.
There is room for you And thereis room for you.
Whenever you get there, youdon't have to rush, you don't
have to stress, you need toarrive bright-eyed and bushy.
(24:35):
You need to be like fully huewhen you get there, and the only
way to really do that is torelease that urgency And, i
think, fall back in love withyour work.
That's the way that thathappens.
And so, in an era where successstories are truly boiled down to
highlight reels that focus onlyon the highs and they overlook
(24:58):
the lows, i think it's reallyimportant to remember the value
of that messy middle and thefact of the messy middle.
And when you are looking atsomebody who's achieving a goal
and you're saying, oh, i want,they're doing something that I
want to do, instead of lookingat that goal and having any
(25:19):
negative thoughts about, well,i'm so far behind, i haven't
even started.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I challenge you to look at whatthey've achieved and imagine
all the things that it actuallytook to get there, because some
people do share, like the steps,how I got here, but a lot of
people don't.
And I think that we get reallystuck up in that FOMO thing and
(25:42):
that feeling that we're nevergonna get there because we just
we're doing it wrong.
And I think that that's areally good exercise to do.
If you say somebody doingsomething that you wanna do or
something that's like what youwanna do, or they're
experiencing joy in anachievement and you wanna have
an achievement in something thatyou wanna do, that's not even
what they did, but somethingcompletely separate for you.
(26:02):
Imagine if you were therefilming the documentary and the
end scene was all that gotposted on their Instagram, for
example.
Imagine what the rest of thatnine hours of documentary
footage looked like, and placeyourself in those scenes,
because that's really where it'sall happening.
(26:23):
Because I think it's reallyimportant that we don't see the
messy middle as something toendure.
Instead, i think we should viewit as a vital stage to engage
with and to learn from right.
It's not just the road tosuccess, but it's a journey in
its own right and it's full oflessons to learn and skills to
(26:44):
acquire and experiences to savor.
So the next time that you findyourself in the messy middle, i
urge you to stop and don't tryto rush through it, because I
think the messy middle is wherelife happens right.
It's where growth occurs, and Ithink that that is where
success actually and truly takesshape.
(27:06):
So that's all I've got for youthis week.
Thank you so much for listening.
I'll check you out next time.
Remember, part of being a calmentrepreneur is developing the
systems, habits and know-howthat lets you know that you are
the one in the driver's seat.
You get to choose how you runyour business and you get to
(27:27):
choose how you work.
So you got this.
I hope you enjoyed listening tothis episode of the Calm
Entrepreneur Podcast.
I'm Corinne O'Flynn and if thisepisode was valuable to you,
please head on over and rate andreview.
Wherever you consume yourpodcasts.
Please subscribe so you'llnever miss an episode.
(27:48):
New episodes go out each weekon Tuesdays and I look forward
to hanging with you again.
This is Corinne signing off.
Have an excellent day.
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