December 25, 2024 • 39 mins
Subscribe to 'The Original Canceled Radio Guys' . Go to https://www.ChrisandCostello.com
Email ChrisandCostello@Yahoo.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
I'm drunk, like right here recording, okay.
Oh right, neck F, I am, yeah,ready man, here we go.
Ready man, I got me a burr,shut the hell up, and I got me a
bit of.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Shut up.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
You asked for it, didn't you?
Hi, this is Chris.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Hi, this is Costello.
Well, it would be, but I ain'thim today.
I'll see you figure that out.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
It's ho, ho, ho.
We're going to be doing ourKristen Costello, redneck, south
Carolina, redneck Christmasspecial.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Redneck FM.
Hang on Kristen.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
I wasn't going to go in voice Redneck FM.
You can't give the boy a newtoy and expect him not to go
nuts with it.
It's just like this guy back inNew Jersey.
He was up there flying hisdrone for the past week.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Look at all the shit you caused by doing that.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
He's dressed the part .
I don't know where the hell yougot that jacket, that hat?
You're like a drunk redneck.
You're like a drunk redneck.
You're like a drunk redneck,neighbor for sure.
Oh, you don't, Nick I guess I'mgoing to go ahead and get the
character to you.
We're going to start doing that.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Oh shit, Say it with me.
Say it with me, that brotherfrom the South.
Hey, you know what?
You don't look as brown as youdid last time.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
I've been trying to lighten up for this redneck
Christmas special, okay, so Ican look pale and sickly like
you do, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Well, yeah, you know, this is of course, the canceled
radio guys.
Redneck, special Redneck, myneck.
Yeah, I got that, it's just theglow from my neck.
Yeah, I got that in my neck,it's just the glow from my
jacket.
I'm not really a redneck.
Look see, watch what happens.
You see, take the jacket off,put it back on.
(02:15):
Put the jacket back on.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Yeah, are you ready for Christmas boy?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Nah, my two front teeth is.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Look, you all dressed for the Christmas party.
You got that fancy, fancy goateating dinner jacket on there
and stuff.
Now we'll be going down thecorral a little later.
If we could, I'd like to startoff our Christmas special with
my favorite Christmas song ofall time, and that's.
You know, when you watch theLeverage, you know we like a
good pork.
(02:42):
I was going to say my favoriteChristmas song of all time to
kick off our Redneck Christmasspecial.
Redneck Christmas special.
You know when you watchDeliverance, we're kind of fond
of the porky stuff.
So my favorite of all time isPorky Pig doing Blue Christmas.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I love that song.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
I do too.
Come on, man Play it.
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Come on, man Play it.
Here we go.
Come on, I love it, I do, I do,I love it, and there it is.
Speaker 5 (03:12):
I'll have a blue Christmas without you.
If you feel so blue, it'll bejust thinking about you.
It'll be decorations of red ona green Christmas tree.
(03:38):
It won't be the same day ifyou're not here with me.
And when those blue snowflakesstart falling, that's when those
blue memories start callingblue.
(04:01):
In many memories, if they starta-callin', you'll be doin' all
right with your Christmas myself, right?
But I'll be blue, blue, blue,blue Christmas.
(04:22):
I think it's part two.
(04:54):
Every blue, every blue, blue,blue christmas.
Oh man, thank you Porky.
Thank you, porky.
That's my Porky.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Pig man, thank you.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Porky.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Thank you, Porky, that's my Porky Pig boy, you
know a little later on on thisfabulous broadcast.
You lost your accent what?
Speaker 3 (05:15):
You lost your redneck accent.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
There it is, there it is.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
What's a little later on this broadcast going to be,
boy, I'd say, the very worstsong you ever heard Christmas.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
I think you will agree.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
What does this look like to you?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
What does that look like to me?
I don't know.
I've got something in my mind.
Oh, it's Mr Hankey.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
It's Turd.
Oh the Christmas Turd.
See that you wind this thing up, it drops the turd.
See that you wind this thing up.
You drop the turd out of theback.
Okay, let's see if it works.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Do you have blood in your stool?
Up a bit up, a bit up, a bit.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
There you go, it ain't coming out.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Oh no, it's constipated.
Oh no, santa's constipated.
Oh no, santa's constipated.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
It won't come out, though it won't drop into there.
You see it, look at it.
You see it doing it.
Oh, I can see it.
Yes, it's doing it, it'sprairie dogging.
It's prairie dogging Once itcomes out.
Speaker 6 (06:19):
Look at it, it's prairie dogging Get out of there
, get out that day, prairie dog,you're making mushrooms.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
It's not working.
Pretty much like our show.
It ain't working.
It's getting better.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
We could start over again, you know.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Oh, you got the 12 Days of Christmas.
The Redneck 12 Days ofChristmas, oh, hell, yeah.
Oh, we need you, we need ourbuddy.
The king of redneck, jeffFoxworthy, came with the 12 Days
of Redneck Christmas.
I love this thing.
Go ahead and play it.
Wait, here it is, go on.
Speaker 7 (06:50):
Woo, Somebody done been to the Walmart?
Man, that's just the stuff Igot for Christmas.
You cleaned up.
What'd you get?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Five travel shots.
Speaker 7 (06:58):
Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two
hunting dogs and some parts to aMustang GT.
Oh, you got Jeff Burr's.
12 Days to Christmas.
I know that I got it covered.
Look over in the corner, that'syours too.
Yeah, 12 pack of Bud, 11wrestling tickets, 10 of
Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8table dancers, 7 packs of
(07:21):
Redman, 6 cans of Spam, four BigMac tires, three shotgun shells
, two hunting dogs and someparts to a Mustang GT man.
These ain't normal Christmaspresents.
Ah, the redneck gift, Redneckgift.
Yeah, you know.
Like if you buy your wifeearrings that double as fishing
(07:42):
lures, or if you can burp theentire chorus of Jingle Bells,
Perhaps if you think thenutcracker is something you did
off of a high dive, or if you'veever misspelled anything in
Christmas lights, or if youleave cold beer and pickled eggs
for Santa Claus.
What's wrong with that?
I didn't say anything wrongwith it.
It's hard to beat.
(08:03):
Well, pack a Bud, Levinwrestling tickets, pin a
Copenhagen nine years probation,eight table dancers, seven
packs of Redman, six cans ofbath, Five battle shots, Four
big mud tires, three shotgunshells, two hunting dogs and
some parts to a Mustang G2.
Here you go.
(08:24):
Well, you know you can't reallyconsider it a Christmas unless
you go down to the penitentiary.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
You're right, thank you too.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
My favorite part of those is the nine years
probation and the five flannelshirt.
I'm going to call you again.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
How many flannel shirts you?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
got boy, you should be wearing a flannel shirt
underneath your fancyto-go-to-eating dinner jacket.
You should be wearing a flannelshirt underneath your fancy
to-go-to-eat-and-dinner jacket.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yep, there it is.
It's all wrinkled up andeverything.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
Is that flannel?
Speaker 1 (08:49):
It's not flannel.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Wash your mouth out boy, and for you you get nine
years probation.
That's great.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I thought.
I must admit, I laughed at thattoo.
Fortunately I wasn't gettingthat.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
What song are you saving next?
You played one last year.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Oh, I just remember when I was going to play for you
.
It's stuck somewhere else onthe computer, but never mind, we
can look for it and I'll get it.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
But I didn't want to do it again.
You sit back into English alittle bit and you come back to
redneck.
I did there.
It is Hard to keep it in.
Hard to keep it, isn't it Hardto keep it?
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Actually, I'll tell you what.
I found one here that I thoughtyou would really like.
All right, it goes a bit likethis.
I'll have to tell you what it'scalled, in case you don't speak
posh.
It's called Democrats Don'tDeserve Christmas.
Ooh, democrats Don't DeserveChristmas.
See, I wasn't just wasting mytime here.
(09:47):
So here we go, here we go.
I'm going to push the button,that's it.
Yep, yep.
I'm going to push the otherbutton and then we're going to
push the other button.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Can't get the turn up , can't get the turn up there we
go.
Speaker 6 (10:05):
Last Christmas, the North Pole was booming.
Toys were on all of the shelves.
Now Santa can't find anyworkers Cause the government's
paying his elves.
So Santa came up with a newplan.
Since there's not enough toysto go around, oh shit, he
delivered the toys to the goodgirls and boys, whose folks
(10:27):
didn't vote for this clown, ohshit, oh, which one?
That's mean You're all on onebig naughty list.
He wrote let's go Brandon,right there on his slate.
He took the red pill and he'scoming your way singing.
(10:54):
Democrats don't deserveChristmas Eve.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
And you know what's scary is, we've got the worst
one coming up.
This ain't nothing like theworst.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
Santa heard about gas and inflation and what biden's
planning to do.
So he hovered right over thewhite house.
Let all of his reindeer go poof.
Santa knows that he'll probablybe cancelled.
I left wings and those spoiledbrats.
But Santa just tweeted thismorning.
(11:27):
Said you snowflakes can allkiss my ass Because Democrats
don't deserve Christmas.
Looks like old Santa is pissed.
Told them Democrats don'tdeserve Christmas.
You're all on one big naughtylist.
He wrote.
(11:50):
Let's go, brandon, right thereon his slate.
Let's go, brandon.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Oh, that's like he's definitely this year of
Republican Christmas.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
That's it Actually.
I think it was last Christmas.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Look at this.
Yeah, like you.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Let me see, here I got to bring you up big on my
screen, boy boy that look liketo you.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Let me see, here I've got to bring you up big on my
screen, lion Boy.
What does that look like to you?
What am I holding?
Oh, tiny whities, this is myunderwear.
Right, this is a new invention.
I got these for Christmas.
They're not underpants, theseare called hander pants.
They're actually gloves thatmake it look like underwear.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Did you think about that all along?
Speaker 3 (12:47):
I did all the best I could do, you put these on.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Come on now, let's see them.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
I'm coming, here we go.
That damn pinky is always atough one.
Here we go.
That damn pinky's always introuble.
Here we go.
I'm wearing underwear on myhand.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Nice, give it 20 minutes.
You'll have a nice pink brownstripe down there.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I'm hoping it is called Hander Pants.
I'm going to put the skid markon while you play the next song
oh you are.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Oh, how sweet, how lovely.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Let me next song okay , oh, oh, you are.
Oh, how sweet, how lovely.
Let me get that.
Wait, I can just get this damnturd to come out of this thing
and get the turd, I might get myskid mark indeed, indeed, you
could well, I'll tell you whatthis one I.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I just think this is just cruel, unnecessary, and I
think it just ain't fair thatanybody would say anything about
this.
My turkey cooking, yeah, myturkey sucks.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Oh Lord, have mercy.
Ain't no jive, ain't no lies.
This turkey's got metraumatized.
Grab a plate, grab a drink,baby.
Don't you dare take a bite ofthat stain.
This Christmas turkey, baby isdry as hell.
Chewed so hard I broke mydental shell, stuffed and fell
out like a pile of dust.
(14:14):
I said what's this mess Baby?
What's the rush?
They said it was roasted withlove and pride.
But that bird came out like ahomicide, carved it up and found
no meat.
I said, damn, is this even fitto eat?
This Christmas Christmas,turkey sucks.
(14:38):
It's tough, it's rough.
Man, you do this stuff.
This Christmas turkey sucks.
I need some gravy, lord, I lovelove, burnt on the edges and
raw in the middle.
It's like playing a sad assturkey fiddle.
The drumstick snapped, thebreast collapsed and that skin
(15:03):
got the texture of a leatherstrap.
Granny said let's keep flyingquick.
But the fire caught fire andnow we're sick, the smoke
detector screaming abort, abort.
And now we're eating popcorn,drinking bones from pork.
This Christmas turkey sucks.
(15:25):
It's pie, it's pie, it's ahomicide.
This Christmas turkey sucks.
All nine, one one whisper anddie.
Mac and cheese is all right.
Collard greens hit the light.
Cornbread got that golden crust.
Speaker 5 (15:49):
I love it, man, this turkey's gone.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
It's gone.
It's gone.
They tried to glaze it withsome cranberry jam, but, baby,
it still tastes like a cat's fam.
Uncle Joe said pass me the salt.
But no amount of seasoningcould fix this fault.
We called up the butcher, saidwhat's the deal?
(16:12):
He said that ain't turkey, it'san armadillo meal, damn.
No wonder it's tough and fullof grit.
This Christmas, turkey's arethe counterfeit.
This Christmas, turkey sucks.
Next year, baby, just buy uscake.
(16:39):
Oh Lord, next year we ain'tdoing this again.
Granny says she'll just make afamous ham.
Uncle Joe's still in thebathroom.
Pray for him and me.
I'm getting Chinese takeoutbeef.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
Y'all, jesus, this turkey air sucks, sucks, bye-bye
buddy, everybody got an UncleJoe in the bathroom.
When we have our Christmasparty, it's Scottsdale in the
bathroom.
Turn on the fan.
Turn on the fan.
Watch all the wildlife Run, runGet that damn thing out of here
(17:14):
, come on, get out of there.
Oh, that damn thing out ofthere, get it out of there.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Oh man, that's your Christmas ruined, your Christmas
ruined.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
I got it and a little turd dropping machine.
I can't get my skid mark yet,I'm working on it though, okay.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Your Christmas is complete.
It is Well, I tell you what.
Have you got your lights uparound your house?
I do.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
I got them outside the trailer.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
How many wheels we got on the ground this year.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Get back to porky freaking pig again.
How many wheels we got on thewhat.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
How many wheels we got on the again?
How many wheels you got on thewhat?
How many wheels you got on theground?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
How many wheels you got on the ground.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
On your trailer.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Oh, I thought you were talking about the damn
airplane, or something.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
No, I got eight wheels, eight wheeler oh an
eight wheeler.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Don't want the middle to fall in.
You got to have some wheels inthe middle.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
That's true.
I hadn't thought of that.
I was just, I was just.
I was just.
What about?
What about?
What about?
Speaker 3 (18:19):
what, what, what, what you got a damn stutter
going on again there.
What the hell going on withthat?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
I'm excited what about Christmas lights.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
I got, I got, I got the lights.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
You got the lights.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
I don't take them down, leave them up all year.
I just plug them in when it'stime and I don't leave them
unplugged when.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
I don't.
Oh well, pal.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
You don't, redneck, so I'll take your Christmas
lights down and leave them up.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Hell.
No, well, here's what happensif you do, is all I can say.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Fuck these Christmas lights.
Oh hell no.
Every damn year it's the samething.
Got me tangled, tripped andstraight up flipped.
These lights ain't no job, thisis a battle.
Fuck these Christmas lights.
Pulled them from the closet,Thought I'd be slick, but these
wires got me cussing.
Oh, this is some shit.
(19:08):
Wrap around the reindeer, Twistit on the tree Like they fought
a whole war Without telling me.
Got my coffee in one hand, mypatience in the other.
Now I'm roped up worse than mykid's damn brother.
I tug, I yank, I shimmy andshout, but these funky ass
(19:31):
lights just won't come out.
Oh fuck these Christmas lights.
Oh yeah, they got me fussingevery night.
Oh no, I'm tangled up in misery.
A funky fight with electricity.
I said fuck these Christmaslights.
Last year I swore this shitwill be fine, Took my time,
(19:55):
rolled them tight, made themalign, but now they're snarled
up worse than disco's hair.
I swear these wines got demonsin there.
I tried to blame the cat, buthe don't even care.
These lights got me prayinglike Reverend, Despair, Busted
(20:20):
bulbs.
Oh, now I'm cussing the socket.
Hell said to himself couldn'tfix this hot pocket.
Oh fuck these Christmas lights.
Oh yeah, they got me tangled,fighting wires left and right.
Oh no, I need a drink.
It's like a Motown job gonewrong.
This ain't no merry Christmassong.
I said fuck these Christmaslights.
And where the white women atwhy they do me like this baby.
(20:51):
Oh Lord, Christmas forced to belove, but I'm at war.
All I wanted was a tree thatglows, but these lights got me
wrapped like my daddy's old hose.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
And that's the end of that one, hunter Payne.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
I was wondering.
It was just me and you at theparty.
We need some women, don't we atthe party.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
We do Not just any women.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Hey, where are the white women at?
Speaker 1 (21:27):
That's better.
White women, white women at youcouldn't hear that.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Hey, where are the white women at?
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Okay, we'll stop.
I need to put on a clean undiesfor the white women at.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
I ain't putting on a clean undies for the white women
.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
I have this real feeling we should just start the
damn thing all over again.
What do you say?
This has been the hardest thingto get going, hasn't it?
Speaker 3 (21:48):
You're just not used to talking like a redneck for
more than 15 seconds at a time.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Well, yeah, it's you too.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Some people it comes easy.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
I'm boring in redneck shit.
Well, if I want to talk likeredneck, then I'll talk like
redneck Breaking character for asecond.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Remember we always wanted to do our own radio
station for a podcast called theRedneck.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
We did, we did.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
This is the audition for that station, the Redneck,
just to see how we would do, seehow tough it is to talk in this
type of voice for like morethan five freaking minutes.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Well, I haven't been around too many Rednecks to talk
proper Redneck.
But down in Texas now Texasthey talk.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Texas.
That's a different thing.
You're in the South.
Well, I guess they're Texas inthe South, I guess, right.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
It.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
That's different than you in the South.
I guess Texas is in the South.
I guess, right, it's aboutSouth as you can get.
Yeah, that's true, I'm fromAtlanta.
They called me a Yankee.
I said dude, the people inTexas call me.
I said I'm from Atlanta.
They go North of here, ain't it?
I'm?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
going shit.
What are you going to do?
They shot you, man.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Shot you, they shot you, man, I did try that.
I was in a studio, I had abulletproof glass window.
I had three shots.
I shot it three times.
This is a drive-by, justdrive-by.
Boom.
It's a freaky thing.
You got three shots.
You're just on the book.
What is that?
Oh shit, somebody took a shotat me.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Well, I've had that happen twice.
Once in England which is reallykind of unusual the lead
guitarist's father decided hedidn't want us there rehearsing
anymore with the band.
He's like yelling get the fuckout of here and another time
when a buddy of mine who's uh,he's in la now, but this was in
(23:38):
oklahoma city and all these, uh,I know, actually it was in
edmond where ou is, and theydidn't like us punks back in
them days.
There's them, damn faggot punkrockers coming down the street.
Son of a bitch, opened up on us, made this guy crazy Dave.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
You're talking some good redneck here.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
It's Christmas time and we're all in a good mood.
I mean, we're not.
I love Christmas.
Costello Christmas is just agood time.
It is, I like any news bothersChristmas.
Castello Christmas is just agood time it is.
Any news bothers anything.
So it's a good little podcast.
It was for the first time in along time, which I'm surprised.
The Joe Rogan Experiencepodcast is not number one.
It's been displaced by a brandnew podcast.
(24:24):
Would you care to guess whichone it is or who it is?
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Oh, I can't imagine it wouldn't be Kelsey Brothers,
would it?
Speaker 3 (24:31):
No, it is not.
Then I don't have a guess,although I did see it's related
to that, because you got TravisKelsey Gorsuch, who's dating
Taylor Swift.
You got Jason Kelsey, who'smarried with three daughters.
I think His wife started one.
I'm sorry, I forget what hername is, it's just called.
I Never Lie, something likethat.
(24:52):
Anyway, she debuted first showNumber one this place Joe Rogan,
the wife of Jason Kelsey.
What is the thing with theCasey people?
Speaker 1 (25:06):
It still makes me feel no better now, no, never
mind, no how.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
There is no hotter family right now.
You got Mama Kelsey he's allover the place.
You got the New Heights podcastwith the brothers.
Yeah, One's playing footballdating Taylor Swift.
Now the other guy's dating hiswife.
Not dating, he's married hiswife.
That's the number one podcastin the country.
Knocked off a little bald shortmidget steroid taking joe rogan
and she's number one damnthat's amazing.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
It is all because it's just christmas, man, you
know, I mean yeah, I got the newthing here's we.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
We are actually number uh, 498.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Well, that's not too bad.
Two more to go and we'renowhere.
Oh, gotcha, thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
I'm back to the redneck now, okay.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Yeah, so we have to Okay, we don't have to See.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
it's not that we ever do the station the redneck.
When you can't do the accentfor it, you can't even stand
doing it.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Oh no, I could, I could do it too, it's just that.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Well, we kind of screwed it up.
You talk so like that.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
I think if I take this hat off, I think things
might go a little smoother.
There we go.
Let's get rid of that.
There you go.
That's much better.
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Oh yeah, so you've got the jacket on.
Okay, that's much better.
Oh yeah, still got the jacketon.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Ah, that's a Christmas jacket though.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
Well, I gotta wish everyone A really super merry
Christmas, happy New Year andstuff.
It's gonna be a fun year forthe Chris and Costello podcast.
Just watch and see what happens.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
We gotta have just a little more music Before we
bugger off.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
Are you doing the Monty Python thing?
Is that it?
I was, I'd love to, but wait aminute before we bugger off, are
you doing?
Speaker 1 (26:51):
the Monty Python thing?
Is that it?
I was?
No, I'd love to, but wait aminute.
Yeah, okay, I did forgetsomething.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
What are we going to end the show with the best one?
What do you got, oh?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
man and like I couldn't you see, you see, okay,
the very best one, actually theworst, let's see, yeah, the
worst one.
I really think, and you willprobably agree, as everybody
listening to this fabulouspodcast, which is the cancelled
radio guys, now you see whywe're cancelled.
(27:22):
This is terrible.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
We suck.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
This is a lovely little song.
I really dug it.
It's called Santa, shit Down myChimney.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
Lovely.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
I did say the worst is the best.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
To us, the worst is the best yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
It's just excellent, excellent, just take a seat.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Take a seat.
Well, I'm sitting on the toiletand I'm making them brown While
I host a Christmas party andI'm in my hometown.
My insides are screaming and myass makes a frown, but it's
such a loud and funny noise Ican't settle down.
Well, I flush the toilet and Ihear a noise on the roof.
Now what the fucking hell isinterrupting my poop?
(28:13):
I'll wipe my ass and wash myhands and head back down.
The fireplace explodes andwe're scattered all around and
I'm thinking Santa went andpooped in my chimney.
Heard a thud in the fireplaceand it was smelly.
I thought I would get cold, butI got duped, cause Santa went
and fucking pooped in my chimney.
(28:34):
He dropped a big log right downthe shaft.
I'm at the bank and bustingfrom his massive crap.
I get outside and Rudolph'spissing on me Right after Santa
took a shit in my chimney.
What do you have in there?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
I hope you get all Right after Santa took a shit in
my chimney.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Well, I'm around you back inside and my whole house
is ablaze and all Santa's thereare standing with a grin on his
face.
He's a drunk as fucking helland chugging all of my Jack.
His pants are down and I cansee his hairy nutsack.
And Santa done and gone and Ipooped in my chimney, heard a
thud in the fireplace and it wassmelly.
(29:16):
Thought I would get cold, but Igot dookie Cause.
Santa went and fucking poopedin my chimney, dropped a big log
right down the shaft, themethane combusting from his
massive craft.
I get outside Rudolph's pissingon me Right after Santa took a
shit in my chimney.
(29:38):
Oh, he just passed out on theground.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
But he ain't done making brown Third solo, but he
ain't done making brown BartSolo.
Speaker 4 (30:06):
He dropped a big log right down the shaft.
Okay, all right.
Busted from his massive craft.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
I'll get you out of here.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
He got down the root off, spits it on the leaf, Okay
all right.
He slammed a chunk of shit inmy chamber.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
I think we call the message.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Once he does the part .
Though you can't, you might aswell he should end the song yeah
, hang it up right there,absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
You know Right there, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
I always used to have great respect and admiration
for songwriters these guys- no,this one, especially this one.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Now, the other ones that are kind of like soulish,
they took time to think abouttheir rhymes.
They're pretty clever.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
This thing is like Jesus.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
How many cuss words and references to a shit can I
make?
Well, if that ain't real, nick,here's the part solo.
Speaker 3 (30:55):
We're sitting down to write a song.
Where the hell did that comefrom?
I got an idea.
Costas, let's do Santa shitdown my chimney.
Okay, I'll start writing thechorus.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
And you know what?
That's probably someone likeJeff Beck on guitar.
It sounds awfully familiar.
Oh yeah, I mean, that's not himplaying.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
That's Jeff Beck.
After the show going.
Do you think I play thatfreaking band?
Do you think I suck like that?
Yeah, Jeff, actually I have aquestion for Mr Engineer, mr
Costello, a Christmas requestfor Mr Bailey over here.
Oh, is there a way you can addthe Monty Python song?
Mr Engineer, mr Costello, aChristmas request for Mr Bailey
over here.
Oh, we can add the Monty Pythonsong on to the end of our show.
We can't introduce it right now.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Bingo.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
You made my Christmas you made my Christmas Made my
Christmas Made my Christmas.
See what I got.
Speaker 8 (31:51):
Fuck Christmas.
It's a waste of fucking time.
Fuck Santa.
He's just out to get your dime.
Fuck Holly and fuck Ivy andfuck all that mistletoe.
Stupid fucking Christmas songseverywhere you go and bloated
(32:19):
big fat bastards all going.
Ho ho ho.
It's fucking Christmas timeagain.
Fuck Christmas.
It's a fucking Disney show.
(32:40):
Fuck Turkey and fuck all thatfucking snow.
Fuck reindeer and fuck Rudolphwith his stupid fucking nose.
Fucking sleigh bells ringingeverywhere you fucking go.
Fuck stockings and fuckshopping.
(33:02):
It just drives us all insane.
Go tell the elves to fuckthemselves.
It's Christmas time again.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
What did you get here for you, costello, for Costello
I got for you for Christmas.
Oh, thank you, your very ownlog cabin.
There you go, you put a pieceof incense on the inside and it
smokes down the chimney A goodplace in the woods with your log
cabin.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, there you go, don't shit down the chimney.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Don't do it.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Did you happen to get that picture I sent you of that
cake?
Suck it to me.
No, oh no.
You're not looking at youremails, man, I do.
They put stickers on them now,at Food Lion, and on the top of
this big cake, which was veryreminiscent to one 40 years ago,
it says suck it to me.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
Seriously, seriously.
I'd see I hadn't heard that inforever.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Oh, well, I'll have to see if I can resend it to you
.
Speaker 3 (34:15):
I think it was just an embryo.
No, no, comes around then.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Okay, sorry, my brain was somewhere else.
It really really was.
So is Santa Claus going to bevisiting your house today,
tomorrow?
Speaker 3 (34:31):
He is because I have two five-year-old twins.
Oh, my Two doors away are goingto be there.
A 15-year-old is coming oh, mydaughter's here, son-in-law's
coming, holy crap.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Oh my, you really got a house full.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
We only had that, so we'm very happy to have it.
That's cool.
Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Merry Christmas.
No wonder you were out.
I was going to ship my presents.
No, oh crap.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
I know I got to go finish up.
I got to go do that OurChristmas wish to all of our
listeners.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
We'll be back in 2025.
We will.
Better, better produced, moreprepared, better engineered.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Listen, this is Two new personalities.
This is like take four of timeswe try oh nobody there.
Oh shit, I got to go now.
I can't do this.
Oh, I'm sorry, I got stuck in asnowdrift.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
If we could just put together all the lowlights.
It'd be kind of funny.
But it's going to be a fun year.
A lot of big things coming up,a lot of new things.
I'm excited about it.
Lots of things and we just hopethat Santa doesn't shoot down
your chimney.
Well, the funny thing, one ofour new producers said one of
(35:47):
the first things she said we hadto work on is dress better and
look at it, we're just going outwith a bang.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
I mean, I actually did shave for this, but I guess
I'll have to get the oldeyeliner out and we'll have to
do the TV stuff.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
You have to top that back.
She said we need to have abetter presentation but need to
look better and dress better.
And look what we're wearingtoday.
I'm wearing this thing and youget some tuxedo from 1968 or
something.
I don't know what the hell thatthing is.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
That's pretty funny.
I just thought well, no, yousee, here's the thing.
Here's what she's saying isthat we should be looking off
camera like hold on a minute soI can get it right here.
We go Like this all the time.
This is how we should be doingit.
You see, she really said that.
Well, that's what I think shehas in mind.
(36:33):
She wants us doing this.
What?
Speaker 3 (36:34):
are we looking at then?
What are we looking at?
Speaker 1 (36:36):
Well, you can do it this way.
I'll look at you then.
But you see, it's backwards.
I usually look at you duringthe show.
Speaker 3 (36:40):
Anyway, I don't know.
It's like I'm seeing a boogeror something looking right at
you.
I don't look around like.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Look, look, look up his nose there.
What are we supposed to do?
I mean, we're supposed to dothat.
Hang on a second here, thenwhat?
I wonder if I can change thiswhile we're doing this.
I think I can Bingo.
Hey, there we go, right Now.
You see, now this is mirrored.
So when I look at Bailey, I'mlooking at Bailey.
(37:06):
Okay, so the thing of it is yousee, I'm looking at you right
now.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
I'm looking at you right now.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
Yeah, we see you have to get in there and mirror
yours.
Speaker 3 (37:12):
I want to, but I'm looking at you right now.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
I can think of much better things to look at than
that.
So you see, and then it works.
And then, to be really cool,you see you've got to slouch
back just a little bit and andum, but in fact, actually the
one you were showing us.
What was it?
The casey?
The kelsey brothers?
Right, this is, this is thekelsey brothers.
Yeah, where the hell?
Back here.
Speaker 3 (37:37):
Well, I hope you can hear us that's it for um well
they have.
They have a mic in a long standso they can just lean back
where they want.
They both had headphones on andthey just.
I don't need headphones, I canhear you and they get fed, and
they had a beer.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
I saw it.
Speaker 3 (37:56):
Oh, you can do that.
Yeah, you can do it.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
It's simple.
Look, we just got to movecloser together.
Speaker 3 (38:02):
I'll move back a little bit.
Oops, sorry.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
That's your other podcast.
Okay, sorry.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
How to your other podcast?
Okay, sorry.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
How to stand at attention after 60.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
That's my podcast called Tickle Me, elmo, okay.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
Tickle my Elmo and I'll follow you anywhere.
Merry Christmas everybody.
Bailey's, I don't know whathe's done.
He's got, oh, I think his imagejust got stuck, or he's stuck
to the window.
Did you stick your tongue outin the window and get stuck?
Oh well, I don't know whathappened there.
(38:38):
We'll see you next year.
We'll see you next year.
Speaker 6 (38:43):
Santa's job ain't easy.
It gets harder every yearBurglar, alarms, cameras, no
place to park the deer.
I'm drunk, like right here recording, okay.
Oh right, neck F, I am, yeah,ready man, here we go.
Ready man, I got me a burr,shut the hell up, and I got me a
bit of.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Shut up.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
You asked for it, didn't you?
Hi, this is Chris.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Hi, this is Costello.
Well, it would be, but I ain'thim today.
I'll see you figure that out.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
It's ho, ho, ho.
We're going to be doing ourKristen Costello, redneck, south
Carolina, redneck Christmasspecial.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Redneck FM.
Hang on Kristen.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
I wasn't going to go in voice Redneck FM.
You can't give the boy a newtoy and expect him not to go
nuts with it.
It's just like this guy back inNew Jersey.
He was up there flying hisdrone for the past week.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Look at all the shit you caused by doing that.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
He's dressed the part .
I don't know where the hell yougot that jacket, that hat?
You're like a drunk redneck.
You're like a drunk redneck.
You're like a drunk redneck,neighbor for sure.
Oh, you don't, Nick I guess I'mgoing to go ahead and get the
character to you.
We're going to start doing that.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Oh shit, Say it with me.
Say it with me, that brotherfrom the South.
Hey, you know what?
You don't look as brown as youdid last time.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
I've been trying to lighten up for this redneck
Christmas special, okay, so Ican look pale and sickly like
you do, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Well, yeah, you know, this is of course, the canceled
radio guys.
Redneck, special Redneck, myneck.
Yeah, I got that, it's just theglow from my neck.
Yeah, I got that in my neck,it's just the glow from my
jacket.
I'm not really a redneck.
Look see, watch what happens.
You see, take the jacket off,put it back on.
(02:15):
Put the jacket back on.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Yeah, are you ready for Christmas boy?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Nah, my two front teeth is.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Look, you all dressed for the Christmas party.
You got that fancy, fancy goateating dinner jacket on there
and stuff.
Now we'll be going down thecorral a little later.
If we could, I'd like to startoff our Christmas special with
my favorite Christmas song ofall time, and that's.
You know, when you watch theLeverage, you know we like a
good pork.
(02:42):
I was going to say my favoriteChristmas song of all time to
kick off our Redneck Christmasspecial.
Redneck Christmas special.
You know when you watchDeliverance, we're kind of fond
of the porky stuff.
So my favorite of all time isPorky Pig doing Blue Christmas.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I love that song.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
I do too.
Come on, man Play it.
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Come on, man Play it.
Here we go.
Come on, I love it, I do, I do,I love it, and there it is.
Speaker 5 (03:12):
I'll have a blue Christmas without you.
If you feel so blue, it'll bejust thinking about you.
It'll be decorations of red ona green Christmas tree.
(03:38):
It won't be the same day ifyou're not here with me.
And when those blue snowflakesstart falling, that's when those
blue memories start callingblue.
(04:01):
In many memories, if they starta-callin', you'll be doin' all
right with your Christmas myself, right?
But I'll be blue, blue, blue,blue Christmas.
(04:22):
I think it's part two.
(04:54):
Every blue, every blue, blue,blue christmas.
Oh man, thank you Porky.
Thank you, porky.
That's my Porky.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Pig man, thank you.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Porky.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Thank you, Porky, that's my Porky Pig boy, you
know a little later on on thisfabulous broadcast.
You lost your accent what?
Speaker 3 (05:15):
You lost your redneck accent.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
There it is, there it is.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
What's a little later on this broadcast going to be,
boy, I'd say, the very worstsong you ever heard Christmas.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
I think you will agree.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
What does this look like to you?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
What does that look like to me?
I don't know.
I've got something in my mind.
Oh, it's Mr Hankey.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
It's Turd.
Oh the Christmas Turd.
See that you wind this thing up, it drops the turd.
See that you wind this thing up.
You drop the turd out of theback.
Okay, let's see if it works.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Do you have blood in your stool?
Up a bit up, a bit up, a bit.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
There you go, it ain't coming out.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Oh no, it's constipated.
Oh no, santa's constipated.
Oh no, santa's constipated.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
It won't come out, though it won't drop into there.
You see it, look at it.
You see it doing it.
Oh, I can see it.
Yes, it's doing it, it'sprairie dogging.
It's prairie dogging Once itcomes out.
Speaker 6 (06:19):
Look at it, it's prairie dogging Get out of there
, get out that day, prairie dog,you're making mushrooms.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
It's not working.
Pretty much like our show.
It ain't working.
It's getting better.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
We could start over again, you know.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Oh, you got the 12 Days of Christmas.
The Redneck 12 Days ofChristmas, oh, hell, yeah.
Oh, we need you, we need ourbuddy.
The king of redneck, jeffFoxworthy, came with the 12 Days
of Redneck Christmas.
I love this thing.
Go ahead and play it.
Wait, here it is, go on.
Speaker 7 (06:50):
Woo, Somebody done been to the Walmart?
Man, that's just the stuff Igot for Christmas.
You cleaned up.
What'd you get?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Five travel shots.
Speaker 7 (06:58):
Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two
hunting dogs and some parts to aMustang GT.
Oh, you got Jeff Burr's.
12 Days to Christmas.
I know that I got it covered.
Look over in the corner, that'syours too.
Yeah, 12 pack of Bud, 11wrestling tickets, 10 of
Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8table dancers, 7 packs of
(07:21):
Redman, 6 cans of Spam, four BigMac tires, three shotgun shells
, two hunting dogs and someparts to a Mustang GT man.
These ain't normal Christmaspresents.
Ah, the redneck gift, Redneckgift.
Yeah, you know.
Like if you buy your wifeearrings that double as fishing
(07:42):
lures, or if you can burp theentire chorus of Jingle Bells,
Perhaps if you think thenutcracker is something you did
off of a high dive, or if you'veever misspelled anything in
Christmas lights, or if youleave cold beer and pickled eggs
for Santa Claus.
What's wrong with that?
I didn't say anything wrongwith it.
It's hard to beat.
(08:03):
Well, pack a Bud, Levinwrestling tickets, pin a
Copenhagen nine years probation,eight table dancers, seven
packs of Redman, six cans ofbath, Five battle shots, Four
big mud tires, three shotgunshells, two hunting dogs and
some parts to a Mustang G2.
Here you go.
(08:24):
Well, you know you can't reallyconsider it a Christmas unless
you go down to the penitentiary.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
You're right, thank you too.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
My favorite part of those is the nine years
probation and the five flannelshirt.
I'm going to call you again.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
How many flannel shirts you?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
got boy, you should be wearing a flannel shirt
underneath your fancyto-go-to-eating dinner jacket.
You should be wearing a flannelshirt underneath your fancy
to-go-to-eat-and-dinner jacket.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yep, there it is.
It's all wrinkled up andeverything.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
Is that flannel?
Speaker 1 (08:49):
It's not flannel.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Wash your mouth out boy, and for you you get nine
years probation.
That's great.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I thought.
I must admit, I laughed at thattoo.
Fortunately I wasn't gettingthat.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
What song are you saving next?
You played one last year.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Oh, I just remember when I was going to play for you
.
It's stuck somewhere else onthe computer, but never mind, we
can look for it and I'll get it.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
But I didn't want to do it again.
You sit back into English alittle bit and you come back to
redneck.
I did there.
It is Hard to keep it in.
Hard to keep it, isn't it Hardto keep it?
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Actually, I'll tell you what.
I found one here that I thoughtyou would really like.
All right, it goes a bit likethis.
I'll have to tell you what it'scalled, in case you don't speak
posh.
It's called Democrats Don'tDeserve Christmas.
Ooh, democrats Don't DeserveChristmas.
See, I wasn't just wasting mytime here.
(09:47):
So here we go, here we go.
I'm going to push the button,that's it.
Yep, yep.
I'm going to push the otherbutton and then we're going to
push the other button.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Can't get the turn up , can't get the turn up there we
go.
Speaker 6 (10:05):
Last Christmas, the North Pole was booming.
Toys were on all of the shelves.
Now Santa can't find anyworkers Cause the government's
paying his elves.
So Santa came up with a newplan.
Since there's not enough toysto go around, oh shit, he
delivered the toys to the goodgirls and boys, whose folks
(10:27):
didn't vote for this clown, ohshit, oh, which one?
That's mean You're all on onebig naughty list.
He wrote let's go Brandon,right there on his slate.
He took the red pill and he'scoming your way singing.
(10:54):
Democrats don't deserveChristmas Eve.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
And you know what's scary is, we've got the worst
one coming up.
This ain't nothing like theworst.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
Santa heard about gas and inflation and what biden's
planning to do.
So he hovered right over thewhite house.
Let all of his reindeer go poof.
Santa knows that he'll probablybe cancelled.
I left wings and those spoiledbrats.
But Santa just tweeted thismorning.
(11:27):
Said you snowflakes can allkiss my ass Because Democrats
don't deserve Christmas.
Looks like old Santa is pissed.
Told them Democrats don'tdeserve Christmas.
You're all on one big naughtylist.
He wrote.
(11:50):
Let's go, brandon, right thereon his slate.
Let's go, brandon.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Oh, that's like he's definitely this year of
Republican Christmas.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
That's it Actually.
I think it was last Christmas.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Look at this.
Yeah, like you.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Let me see, here I got to bring you up big on my
screen, boy boy that look liketo you.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Let me see, here I've got to bring you up big on my
screen, lion Boy.
What does that look like to you?
What am I holding?
Oh, tiny whities, this is myunderwear.
Right, this is a new invention.
I got these for Christmas.
They're not underpants, theseare called hander pants.
They're actually gloves thatmake it look like underwear.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Did you think about that all along?
Speaker 3 (12:47):
I did all the best I could do, you put these on.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Come on now, let's see them.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
I'm coming, here we go.
That damn pinky is always atough one.
Here we go.
That damn pinky's always introuble.
Here we go.
I'm wearing underwear on myhand.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Nice, give it 20 minutes.
You'll have a nice pink brownstripe down there.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I'm hoping it is called Hander Pants.
I'm going to put the skid markon while you play the next song
oh you are.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Oh, how sweet, how lovely.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Let me next song okay , oh, oh, you are.
Oh, how sweet, how lovely.
Let me get that.
Wait, I can just get this damnturd to come out of this thing
and get the turd, I might get myskid mark indeed, indeed, you
could well, I'll tell you whatthis one I.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I just think this is just cruel, unnecessary, and I
think it just ain't fair thatanybody would say anything about
this.
My turkey cooking, yeah, myturkey sucks.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Oh Lord, have mercy.
Ain't no jive, ain't no lies.
This turkey's got metraumatized.
Grab a plate, grab a drink,baby.
Don't you dare take a bite ofthat stain.
This Christmas turkey, baby isdry as hell.
Chewed so hard I broke mydental shell, stuffed and fell
out like a pile of dust.
(14:14):
I said what's this mess Baby?
What's the rush?
They said it was roasted withlove and pride.
But that bird came out like ahomicide, carved it up and found
no meat.
I said, damn, is this even fitto eat?
This Christmas Christmas,turkey sucks.
(14:38):
It's tough, it's rough.
Man, you do this stuff.
This Christmas turkey sucks.
I need some gravy, lord, I lovelove, burnt on the edges and
raw in the middle.
It's like playing a sad assturkey fiddle.
The drumstick snapped, thebreast collapsed and that skin
(15:03):
got the texture of a leatherstrap.
Granny said let's keep flyingquick.
But the fire caught fire andnow we're sick, the smoke
detector screaming abort, abort.
And now we're eating popcorn,drinking bones from pork.
This Christmas turkey sucks.
(15:25):
It's pie, it's pie, it's ahomicide.
This Christmas turkey sucks.
All nine, one one whisper anddie.
Mac and cheese is all right.
Collard greens hit the light.
Cornbread got that golden crust.
Speaker 5 (15:49):
I love it, man, this turkey's gone.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
It's gone.
It's gone.
They tried to glaze it withsome cranberry jam, but, baby,
it still tastes like a cat's fam.
Uncle Joe said pass me the salt.
But no amount of seasoningcould fix this fault.
We called up the butcher, saidwhat's the deal?
(16:12):
He said that ain't turkey, it'san armadillo meal, damn.
No wonder it's tough and fullof grit.
This Christmas, turkey's arethe counterfeit.
This Christmas, turkey sucks.
Next year, baby, just buy uscake.
(16:39):
Oh Lord, next year we ain'tdoing this again.
Granny says she'll just make afamous ham.
Uncle Joe's still in thebathroom.
Pray for him and me.
I'm getting Chinese takeoutbeef.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
Y'all, jesus, this turkey air sucks, sucks, bye-bye
buddy, everybody got an UncleJoe in the bathroom.
When we have our Christmasparty, it's Scottsdale in the
bathroom.
Turn on the fan.
Turn on the fan.
Watch all the wildlife Run, runGet that damn thing out of here
(17:14):
, come on, get out of there.
Oh, that damn thing out ofthere, get it out of there.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Oh man, that's your Christmas ruined, your Christmas
ruined.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
I got it and a little turd dropping machine.
I can't get my skid mark yet,I'm working on it though, okay.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Your Christmas is complete.
It is Well, I tell you what.
Have you got your lights uparound your house?
I do.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
I got them outside the trailer.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
How many wheels we got on the ground this year.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Get back to porky freaking pig again.
How many wheels we got on thewhat.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
How many wheels we got on the again?
How many wheels you got on thewhat?
How many wheels you got on theground?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
How many wheels you got on the ground.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
On your trailer.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Oh, I thought you were talking about the damn
airplane, or something.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
No, I got eight wheels, eight wheeler oh an
eight wheeler.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Don't want the middle to fall in.
You got to have some wheels inthe middle.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
That's true.
I hadn't thought of that.
I was just, I was just.
I was just.
What about?
What about?
What about?
Speaker 3 (18:19):
what, what, what, what you got a damn stutter
going on again there.
What the hell going on withthat?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
I'm excited what about Christmas lights.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
I got, I got, I got the lights.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
You got the lights.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
I don't take them down, leave them up all year.
I just plug them in when it'stime and I don't leave them
unplugged when.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
I don't.
Oh well, pal.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
You don't, redneck, so I'll take your Christmas
lights down and leave them up.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Hell.
No, well, here's what happensif you do, is all I can say.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Fuck these Christmas lights.
Oh hell no.
Every damn year it's the samething.
Got me tangled, tripped andstraight up flipped.
These lights ain't no job, thisis a battle.
Fuck these Christmas lights.
Pulled them from the closet,Thought I'd be slick, but these
wires got me cussing.
Oh, this is some shit.
(19:08):
Wrap around the reindeer, Twistit on the tree Like they fought
a whole war Without telling me.
Got my coffee in one hand, mypatience in the other.
Now I'm roped up worse than mykid's damn brother.
I tug, I yank, I shimmy andshout, but these funky ass
(19:31):
lights just won't come out.
Oh fuck these Christmas lights.
Oh yeah, they got me fussingevery night.
Oh no, I'm tangled up in misery.
A funky fight with electricity.
I said fuck these Christmaslights.
Last year I swore this shitwill be fine, Took my time,
(19:55):
rolled them tight, made themalign, but now they're snarled
up worse than disco's hair.
I swear these wines got demonsin there.
I tried to blame the cat, buthe don't even care.
These lights got me prayinglike Reverend, Despair, Busted
(20:20):
bulbs.
Oh, now I'm cussing the socket.
Hell said to himself couldn'tfix this hot pocket.
Oh fuck these Christmas lights.
Oh yeah, they got me tangled,fighting wires left and right.
Oh no, I need a drink.
It's like a Motown job gonewrong.
This ain't no merry Christmassong.
I said fuck these Christmaslights.
And where the white women atwhy they do me like this baby.
(20:51):
Oh Lord, Christmas forced to belove, but I'm at war.
All I wanted was a tree thatglows, but these lights got me
wrapped like my daddy's old hose.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
And that's the end of that one, hunter Payne.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
I was wondering.
It was just me and you at theparty.
We need some women, don't we atthe party.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
We do Not just any women.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Hey, where are the white women at?
Speaker 1 (21:27):
That's better.
White women, white women at youcouldn't hear that.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Hey, where are the white women at?
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Okay, we'll stop.
I need to put on a clean undiesfor the white women at.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
I ain't putting on a clean undies for the white women
.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
I have this real feeling we should just start the
damn thing all over again.
What do you say?
This has been the hardest thingto get going, hasn't it?
Speaker 3 (21:48):
You're just not used to talking like a redneck for
more than 15 seconds at a time.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Well, yeah, it's you too.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Some people it comes easy.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
I'm boring in redneck shit.
Well, if I want to talk likeredneck, then I'll talk like
redneck Breaking character for asecond.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Remember we always wanted to do our own radio
station for a podcast called theRedneck.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
We did, we did.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
This is the audition for that station, the Redneck,
just to see how we would do, seehow tough it is to talk in this
type of voice for like morethan five freaking minutes.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Well, I haven't been around too many Rednecks to talk
proper Redneck.
But down in Texas now Texasthey talk.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Texas.
That's a different thing.
You're in the South.
Well, I guess they're Texas inthe South, I guess, right.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
It.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
That's different than you in the South.
I guess Texas is in the South.
I guess, right, it's aboutSouth as you can get.
Yeah, that's true, I'm fromAtlanta.
They called me a Yankee.
I said dude, the people inTexas call me.
I said I'm from Atlanta.
They go North of here, ain't it?
I'm?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
going shit.
What are you going to do?
They shot you, man.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Shot you, they shot you, man, I did try that.
I was in a studio, I had abulletproof glass window.
I had three shots.
I shot it three times.
This is a drive-by, justdrive-by.
Boom.
It's a freaky thing.
You got three shots.
You're just on the book.
What is that?
Oh shit, somebody took a shotat me.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Well, I've had that happen twice.
Once in England which is reallykind of unusual the lead
guitarist's father decided hedidn't want us there rehearsing
anymore with the band.
He's like yelling get the fuckout of here and another time
when a buddy of mine who's uh,he's in la now, but this was in
(23:38):
oklahoma city and all these, uh,I know, actually it was in
edmond where ou is, and theydidn't like us punks back in
them days.
There's them, damn faggot punkrockers coming down the street.
Son of a bitch, opened up on us, made this guy crazy Dave.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
You're talking some good redneck here.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
It's Christmas time and we're all in a good mood.
I mean, we're not.
I love Christmas.
Costello Christmas is just agood time.
It is, I like any news bothersChristmas.
Castello Christmas is just agood time it is.
Any news bothers anything.
So it's a good little podcast.
It was for the first time in along time, which I'm surprised.
The Joe Rogan Experiencepodcast is not number one.
It's been displaced by a brandnew podcast.
(24:24):
Would you care to guess whichone it is or who it is?
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Oh, I can't imagine it wouldn't be Kelsey Brothers,
would it?
Speaker 3 (24:31):
No, it is not.
Then I don't have a guess,although I did see it's related
to that, because you got TravisKelsey Gorsuch, who's dating
Taylor Swift.
You got Jason Kelsey, who'smarried with three daughters.
I think His wife started one.
I'm sorry, I forget what hername is, it's just called.
I Never Lie, something likethat.
(24:52):
Anyway, she debuted first showNumber one this place Joe Rogan,
the wife of Jason Kelsey.
What is the thing with theCasey people?
Speaker 1 (25:06):
It still makes me feel no better now, no, never
mind, no how.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
There is no hotter family right now.
You got Mama Kelsey he's allover the place.
You got the New Heights podcastwith the brothers.
Yeah, One's playing footballdating Taylor Swift.
Now the other guy's dating hiswife.
Not dating, he's married hiswife.
That's the number one podcastin the country.
Knocked off a little bald shortmidget steroid taking joe rogan
and she's number one damnthat's amazing.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
It is all because it's just christmas, man, you
know, I mean yeah, I got the newthing here's we.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
We are actually number uh, 498.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Well, that's not too bad.
Two more to go and we'renowhere.
Oh, gotcha, thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
I'm back to the redneck now, okay.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Yeah, so we have to Okay, we don't have to See.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
it's not that we ever do the station the redneck.
When you can't do the accentfor it, you can't even stand
doing it.
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Oh no, I could, I could do it too, it's just that.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Well, we kind of screwed it up.
You talk so like that.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
I think if I take this hat off, I think things
might go a little smoother.
There we go.
Let's get rid of that.
There you go.
That's much better.
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Oh yeah, so you've got the jacket on.
Okay, that's much better.
Oh yeah, still got the jacketon.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Ah, that's a Christmas jacket though.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
Well, I gotta wish everyone A really super merry
Christmas, happy New Year andstuff.
It's gonna be a fun year forthe Chris and Costello podcast.
Just watch and see what happens.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
We gotta have just a little more music Before we
bugger off.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
Are you doing the Monty Python thing?
Is that it?
I was, I'd love to, but wait aminute before we bugger off, are
you doing?
Speaker 1 (26:51):
the Monty Python thing?
Is that it?
I was?
No, I'd love to, but wait aminute.
Yeah, okay, I did forgetsomething.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
What are we going to end the show with the best one?
What do you got, oh?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
man and like I couldn't you see, you see, okay,
the very best one, actually theworst, let's see, yeah, the
worst one.
I really think, and you willprobably agree, as everybody
listening to this fabulouspodcast, which is the cancelled
radio guys, now you see whywe're cancelled.
(27:22):
This is terrible.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
We suck.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
This is a lovely little song.
I really dug it.
It's called Santa, shit Down myChimney.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
Lovely.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
I did say the worst is the best.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
To us, the worst is the best yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
It's just excellent, excellent, just take a seat.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Take a seat.
Well, I'm sitting on the toiletand I'm making them brown While
I host a Christmas party andI'm in my hometown.
My insides are screaming and myass makes a frown, but it's
such a loud and funny noise Ican't settle down.
Well, I flush the toilet and Ihear a noise on the roof.
Now what the fucking hell isinterrupting my poop?
(28:13):
I'll wipe my ass and wash myhands and head back down.
The fireplace explodes andwe're scattered all around and
I'm thinking Santa went andpooped in my chimney.
Heard a thud in the fireplaceand it was smelly.
I thought I would get cold, butI got duped, cause Santa went
and fucking pooped in my chimney.
(28:34):
He dropped a big log right downthe shaft.
I'm at the bank and bustingfrom his massive crap.
I get outside and Rudolph'spissing on me Right after Santa
took a shit in my chimney.
What do you have in there?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
I hope you get all Right after Santa took a shit in
my chimney.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Well, I'm around you back inside and my whole house
is ablaze and all Santa's thereare standing with a grin on his
face.
He's a drunk as fucking helland chugging all of my Jack.
His pants are down and I cansee his hairy nutsack.
And Santa done and gone and Ipooped in my chimney, heard a
thud in the fireplace and it wassmelly.
(29:16):
Thought I would get cold, but Igot dookie Cause.
Santa went and fucking poopedin my chimney, dropped a big log
right down the shaft, themethane combusting from his
massive craft.
I get outside Rudolph's pissingon me Right after Santa took a
shit in my chimney.
(29:38):
Oh, he just passed out on theground.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
But he ain't done making brown Third solo, but he
ain't done making brown BartSolo.
Speaker 4 (30:06):
He dropped a big log right down the shaft.
Okay, all right.
Busted from his massive craft.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
I'll get you out of here.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
He got down the root off, spits it on the leaf, Okay
all right.
He slammed a chunk of shit inmy chamber.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
I think we call the message.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Once he does the part .
Though you can't, you might aswell he should end the song yeah
, hang it up right there,absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
You know Right there, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
I always used to have great respect and admiration
for songwriters these guys- no,this one, especially this one.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Now, the other ones that are kind of like soulish,
they took time to think abouttheir rhymes.
They're pretty clever.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
This thing is like Jesus.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
How many cuss words and references to a shit can I
make?
Well, if that ain't real, nick,here's the part solo.
Speaker 3 (30:55):
We're sitting down to write a song.
Where the hell did that comefrom?
I got an idea.
Costas, let's do Santa shitdown my chimney.
Okay, I'll start writing thechorus.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
And you know what?
That's probably someone likeJeff Beck on guitar.
It sounds awfully familiar.
Oh yeah, I mean, that's not himplaying.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
That's Jeff Beck.
After the show going.
Do you think I play thatfreaking band?
Do you think I suck like that?
Yeah, Jeff, actually I have aquestion for Mr Engineer, mr
Costello, a Christmas requestfor Mr Bailey over here.
Oh, is there a way you can addthe Monty Python song?
Mr Engineer, mr Costello, aChristmas request for Mr Bailey
over here.
Oh, we can add the Monty Pythonsong on to the end of our show.
We can't introduce it right now.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Bingo.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
You made my Christmas you made my Christmas Made my
Christmas Made my Christmas.
See what I got.
Speaker 8 (31:51):
Fuck Christmas.
It's a waste of fucking time.
Fuck Santa.
He's just out to get your dime.
Fuck Holly and fuck Ivy andfuck all that mistletoe.
Stupid fucking Christmas songseverywhere you go and bloated
(32:19):
big fat bastards all going.
Ho ho ho.
It's fucking Christmas timeagain.
Fuck Christmas.
It's a fucking Disney show.
(32:40):
Fuck Turkey and fuck all thatfucking snow.
Fuck reindeer and fuck Rudolphwith his stupid fucking nose.
Fucking sleigh bells ringingeverywhere you fucking go.
Fuck stockings and fuckshopping.
(33:02):
It just drives us all insane.
Go tell the elves to fuckthemselves.
It's Christmas time again.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
What did you get here for you, costello, for Costello
I got for you for Christmas.
Oh, thank you, your very ownlog cabin.
There you go, you put a pieceof incense on the inside and it
smokes down the chimney A goodplace in the woods with your log
cabin.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, there you go, don't shit down the chimney.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Don't do it.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Did you happen to get that picture I sent you of that
cake?
Suck it to me.
No, oh no.
You're not looking at youremails, man, I do.
They put stickers on them now,at Food Lion, and on the top of
this big cake, which was veryreminiscent to one 40 years ago,
it says suck it to me.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
Seriously, seriously.
I'd see I hadn't heard that inforever.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Oh, well, I'll have to see if I can resend it to you
.
Speaker 3 (34:15):
I think it was just an embryo.
No, no, comes around then.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Okay, sorry, my brain was somewhere else.
It really really was.
So is Santa Claus going to bevisiting your house today,
tomorrow?
Speaker 3 (34:31):
He is because I have two five-year-old twins.
Oh, my Two doors away are goingto be there.
A 15-year-old is coming oh, mydaughter's here, son-in-law's
coming, holy crap.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Oh my, you really got a house full.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
We only had that, so we'm very happy to have it.
That's cool.
Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Merry Christmas.
No wonder you were out.
I was going to ship my presents.
No, oh crap.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
I know I got to go finish up.
I got to go do that OurChristmas wish to all of our
listeners.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
We'll be back in 2025.
We will.
Better, better produced, moreprepared, better engineered.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Listen, this is Two new personalities.
This is like take four of timeswe try oh nobody there.
Oh shit, I got to go now.
I can't do this.
Oh, I'm sorry, I got stuck in asnowdrift.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
If we could just put together all the lowlights.
It'd be kind of funny.
But it's going to be a fun year.
A lot of big things coming up,a lot of new things.
I'm excited about it.
Lots of things and we just hopethat Santa doesn't shoot down
your chimney.
Well, the funny thing, one ofour new producers said one of
(35:47):
the first things she said we hadto work on is dress better and
look at it, we're just going outwith a bang.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
I mean, I actually did shave for this, but I guess
I'll have to get the oldeyeliner out and we'll have to
do the TV stuff.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
You have to top that back.
She said we need to have abetter presentation but need to
look better and dress better.
And look what we're wearingtoday.
I'm wearing this thing and youget some tuxedo from 1968 or
something.
I don't know what the hell thatthing is.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
That's pretty funny.
I just thought well, no, yousee, here's the thing.
Here's what she's saying isthat we should be looking off
camera like hold on a minute soI can get it right here.
We go Like this all the time.
This is how we should be doingit.
You see, she really said that.
Well, that's what I think shehas in mind.
(36:33):
She wants us doing this.
What?
Speaker 3 (36:34):
are we looking at then?
What are we looking at?
Speaker 1 (36:36):
Well, you can do it this way.
I'll look at you then.
But you see, it's backwards.
I usually look at you duringthe show.
Speaker 3 (36:40):
Anyway, I don't know.
It's like I'm seeing a boogeror something looking right at
you.
I don't look around like.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Look, look, look up his nose there.
What are we supposed to do?
I mean, we're supposed to dothat.
Hang on a second here, thenwhat?
I wonder if I can change thiswhile we're doing this.
I think I can Bingo.
Hey, there we go, right Now.
You see, now this is mirrored.
So when I look at Bailey, I'mlooking at Bailey.
(37:06):
Okay, so the thing of it is yousee, I'm looking at you right
now.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
I'm looking at you right now.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
Yeah, we see you have to get in there and mirror
yours.
Speaker 3 (37:12):
I want to, but I'm looking at you right now.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
I can think of much better things to look at than
that.
So you see, and then it works.
And then, to be really cool,you see you've got to slouch
back just a little bit and andum, but in fact, actually the
one you were showing us.
What was it?
The casey?
The kelsey brothers?
Right, this is, this is thekelsey brothers.
Yeah, where the hell?
Back here.
Speaker 3 (37:37):
Well, I hope you can hear us that's it for um well
they have.
They have a mic in a long standso they can just lean back
where they want.
They both had headphones on andthey just.
I don't need headphones, I canhear you and they get fed, and
they had a beer.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
I saw it.
Speaker 3 (37:56):
Oh, you can do that.
Yeah, you can do it.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
It's simple.
Look, we just got to movecloser together.
Speaker 3 (38:02):
I'll move back a little bit.
Oops, sorry.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
That's your other podcast.
Okay, sorry.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
How to your other podcast?
Okay, sorry.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
How to stand at attention after 60.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
That's my podcast called Tickle Me, elmo, okay.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
Tickle my Elmo and I'll follow you anywhere.
Merry Christmas everybody.
Bailey's, I don't know whathe's done.
He's got, oh, I think his imagejust got stuck, or he's stuck
to the window.
Did you stick your tongue outin the window and get stuck?
Oh well, I don't know whathappened there.
(38:38):
We'll see you next year.
We'll see you next year.
Speaker 6 (38:43):
Santa's job ain't easy.
It gets harder every yearBurglar, alarms, cameras, no
place to park the deer.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!