April 15, 2025 • 30 mins
Ever catch yourself saying "I'm fine" when you're anything but? As caregivers, we often hide behind these white lies, putting on a brave face while secretly exhausted, frustrated, or on the verge of tears. This episode dives deep into the concept of toxic positivity—that harmful tendency to suppress our authentic emotions behind a mask of forced cheerfulness.
Studies show over 75% of people deliberately pretend to be happy when they're not. While it might seem easier to hide behind the facade of happiness, this emotional masking comes at a significant cost. The disconnection from our true emotions can lead to isolation, deeper trauma, and eventually feeling like we've lost ourselves in the caregiving journey.
One listener from Israel shared wisdom that perfectly captures the balanced approach we need: "This isn't about pretending everything's okay. It's about honoring your challenges and allowing space for joy to sneak in." This powerful perspective reminds us that acknowledging our struggles doesn't mean wallowing in negativity—it creates space for authentic healing and genuine moments of happiness.
Think of emotional expression as a teeter-totter. On one end is the perpetually negative person who brings everyone down with constant complaints. On the opposite end is the toxically positive person whose eternal sunshine feels inauthentic and dismissive. True emotional health exists in the balanced middle—being honest about challenges while remaining open to joy.
When we share our true feelings with someone, even when they're not positive, we foster intimacy and build deeper connections. These authentic exchanges become gifts we offer each other, creating relationships sturdy enough to weather the hardest caregiving seasons. As you go through your week, challenge yourself: What feeling have you been hiding behind "I'm fine," and who will you share it with? Are you living just to make it through, or are you living to make it count?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello again and welcome to another episode of
the Caregiver Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
Today's episode we're talkingall about emotions and we're
talking about these white liesthat we tell when we meet
somebody up, like how are youdoing?
Oh, I'm fine, and sometimeswe're not, and there's
(00:22):
appropriate times when we shouldsay it because it's just being
polite, but then there's timeswhere we should be open about it
and we're going to talk aboutthat and we're going to talk
about the official term calledtoxic positivity and how we mask
our emotions mask our emotions.
(00:46):
So let me start out with justkind of a similar it's kind of
an analogy slash story that Ithink you and I experienced many
times as caregivers.
It was a rough night and therewas very where you got very
little sleep.
You spend hours after dinnercatching up with laundry and
dishes and light cleaning.
For me, having two dogs, it'salways vacuuming the house
(01:07):
because they sprinkle all thismagic fur all over the place.
When you get done, you jumpinto bed and you do your bedtime
routine and you get into bedbut your head's still racing
because you know you forgotsomething and it comes to your
mind.
You forgot to do the onlinechecking for your loved one.
In the morning you keep gettingthese texts and emails to go
(01:29):
ahead and do that.
And then you promised a friendto get them a contact name and
you promised that you would getto it later in the day and you
realize that you didn't get toit.
So you jump out of bed and getthat done, because you're not
going to be able to sleep untilyou get that done.
Well, 10 minutes turns into 20,20 minutes turns into 30,
(01:51):
because you're already up andyou see that you need to take
care of a couple of more emails.
Before you know it, it'salready midnight and in the back
of your mind you know you haveto get up at 5.30 because you
have to be at your loved one'sappointment for a bright 7 am.
I know my husband'sappointments are a lot of his
(02:12):
oncology appointments.
The labs start at 7 or 7.30.
It's crazy.
So the alarm goes off and youjust feel it, but you put
yourself into this go mode andjump right in and do what you
have or you have to do.
You're getting yourself ready,you're getting your loved ones
ready, you're grabbing whateveryou need to go, but you feel
(02:33):
exhausted and a bit edgy andeverything is kind of that
anxiety and stress is just builtup right away when you wake up.
You set yourself up right fromthe start.
So fast forward.
Now You're walking into thedoctor's office with your loved
one and the receptionist greetsyou and your loved one and they
(02:53):
say hi, how are you doing?
Good morning.
You smile and you say I'm goodThroughout the day.
You see the nurse you say I'mfine.
You see the doctor and you sayI'm fine.
You see the doctor and you sayI'm good.
You see the pharmacist and afew other friends along the way,
all greeting and asking you howare you doing?
And, to be polite, you tellthem you're fine, you're good,
(03:15):
you're hanging in there andanything else that sounds
positive, even though knowinginside you are teetering on the
brink of tears now becauseyou're so exhausted or you're
ready to burst out intofrustration based on your
situation.
Well, today, like I said, I wantto talk about in this episode
(03:38):
and we want to dive into thetopic of toxic positivity, the
white lies we tell ourselves andothers to mask our true
feelings so we don't come off asthis needy or burden others
with our negativity.
Psychologists describe toxicpositivity as the act of
(04:00):
suppressing or avoiding our realemotions, and it's a tendency
that we eventually lead.
It can lead to isolation,deeper emotional traumas and
unhealthy coping mechanisms, andthat's what I want to talk
about today.
First of all, did you know thatstudies have shown over 75% of
(04:20):
people deliberately pretend tobe happy even when they're not
and I know I'm guilty of itsometimes and I'm thinking you
are as well.
And let's talk about why wemask our emotions first.
Have you ever felt like sayingI'm fine even when you're not?
(04:41):
Yeah, we do that, especiallywith people that we don't know
very well, especially if you'rein a hurry or you don't want to
burden somebody.
Another question is what is itthat keeps you from sharing your
true feelings with a friend ora stranger?
Is it time?
(05:03):
Is it you just don't think thatthey should have to listen to
you?
Why do you think you do that?
And how often do you thinkabout the cost of these white
lies?
In the long run, it's easier.
First of all, it's easier tohide behind the facet of
happiness.
It's so much easier, especiallywhen we fear being judged or
(05:25):
worried about burdening others.
Yet not expressing our authenticemotions can cause risks risk
of disconnection from others andthose we care about, and so
what we really need to do isfind some sort of balance.
We all know that being honestabout our emotions isn't about
(05:48):
wallowing in negativity.
It's about acknowledging thatour true feelings are there and
expressing a full range ofemotions.
We also need to ensure thatwe're not allowing negative
feelings to dominate our mindset.
Allowing negative feelings todominate our mindset.
(06:08):
Think about this in a way ifyou're constantly in a state of
negativity, the feelings thenbecome a default and impacts of
every aspect of our life.
Well, I always like to bring upthe fact of do you know there's
two spectrums?
Think of it as a teeter-totter,almost.
And let's talk about thenegative side.
Do you know there's twospectrums?
Think of it as a teeter-totter,almost.
(06:30):
Let's talk about the negativeside.
Do you know people that arevery negative?
And I'm thinking about a personright now.
Every time I say to them how areyou doing?
Hey, it's nice to see you theyalways say I'm tired.
I mean, I can count on it,dennis and I make this little
inside joke with ourselves Okay,we're going to get the I'm
tired, and I've come to thepoint now where I don't even
(06:55):
want to acknowledge it anymoreFor a while.
There I'm like, oh, what's beenhappening?
I'm sorry you're feeling sotired.
What can you know what's beenhappening?
I'm sorry you're feeling sotired, what can you know?
You know what's happening, youknow.
And then they would get intoall the bloomin', gloomin',
whatever.
And now I get to the pointwhere I don't even want to hear
it and so I forced myself not tobe this, not this unempathetic
(07:23):
person.
So I really don't say.
I usually say hi, how are youdoing?
Welcome, come on in, and Idon't even ask anymore.
Or you get somebody like you goto a family gathering and you
have to talk to this person, andthey always talk about their
work being so stressful and hard.
(07:44):
And it's a happy occasion let'ssay it's Easter or Christmas or
you know a holiday of some kindand you're like, oh gosh, here
that person comes and allthey're going to do is complain
about work and all you want tosay to them is, if you don't
like it, go find somewhere else,but they bring you down like it
, go find somewhere else, butthey bring you down.
(08:06):
Okay, so that's the side thatyou know.
That's the opposite of tryingto improve negativity.
They're just the downer Versus.
The other side of theteeter-totter is when somebody
is so positive that it's fakey,that it's just fake and they're
always up and they're always.
I mean, they're glass, they'reoptimistic, they're almost to
(08:28):
the, they're an optimisticaddict, almost in a way where,
okay, you can't be happy all thetime.
You know something bad happens.
You cut your finger and you'relike, oh, I'm okay, I'm fine A
little, you know, and they'rejust always.
Always I'm fine and they'rejust always always versus.
(08:52):
Oh my God, it hurts and it'salmost to the point where it's
not honest.
And so finding balance is theimportant piece, balance with
being honest with your feelings.
We all know that being honestwith our emotions isn't about
wallowing in negativity.
That's what I'm trying to getat.
It's about acknowledging ourfeelings.
But the good and thechallenging are valid and
(09:15):
temporary.
So we know that the bad thingsare, the challenges that we face
as caregivers are never goingto be permanent.
They're temporary and we'regoing to move on and there's
going to be things that we'regoing to be able to express.
While it's important toexperience and express a full
range of emotions, we also needto ensure that we're not
(09:37):
allowing all of these negativefeelings to dominate our mindset
or which I'm going to talkabout in just a little bit
letting our toxic positivity out, just mask what we're feeling.
We have to find that balance.
Think of it as a way you'reconstantly in a state of
negativity, that feelings canbecome a default and we don't
(10:02):
want that and impact our life.
So we want to find that balance.
So I want to ask you thisquestion when was the last time
you allowed yourself to fullyfeel, instead of just saying I'm
fine?
In trying to be honest about it, maybe you go into the doctor's
(10:22):
office.
They're going to say goodmorning, how are you doing?
And you're going to say well,I'm a bit tired, but I'm happier
now that I see you and you toldme good morning.
You could say something andyou're being honest with your
emotion, but you're also lookingat the positive side.
Another question is how mightyour relationships improve if
(10:43):
you share your true feelings,even just a little bit of it?
If you know me a little bit, Iknow that people mean well when
they say you got this, but forme, you got this is a trigger.
(11:03):
As a caregiver, I want to justscream back some days and say I
don't got this, and I knowthat's not proper English, but
I'm just following the thing.
You got this when, okay, I'mscared, I don't know if the
chemotherapy is going to work, Ididn't get a good night's sleep
(11:27):
and you got this.
Isn't something that makes mefeel all better, I don't know
how else to say it.
So I always have to just thinkabout the intent, and maybe
people just don't know what tosay instead of responding to a
(11:47):
comment that somebody says in anegative way, and so sometimes I
just let it go.
I acknowledge the emotion in myhead and say I don't really got
it, but I'm going to allow themoment to pass.
Now I got an email response backfrom Paula Jean and I told her
(12:09):
I was going to share this on thepodcast.
She's a caregiver in Israel andshe's been one of the
caregivers from the CaregiverCup podcast from the very start.
She sent me just this one-linestatement and I sat with it and
went, oh my gosh, what a giftshe gave us today.
(12:29):
So let me share it.
She says this isn't aboutpretending everything's okay.
It's about honoring yourchallenges and allowing space
for joy to sneak in.
Powerful, isn't it?
Let me say it one more time incase you need to soak it in.
This isn't about pretendingeverything's okay.
(12:49):
It's about honoring yourchallenges and allowing space
for joy to sneak in.
Honoring your challenges,embracing your challenges and
then letting joy sneak in andfinding those moments of joy.
I just loved it.
(13:09):
Thank you, paula Jean, forgiving that gift to all of us.
On the Caregiver Cup podcast.
We're responsible for ourenergy we bring into the room
and into ourselves.
But you and I can't hide fromourselves and heal at the same
time.
We have to go ahead and allowthe ups and downs and the good
(13:35):
and the bad to go ahead and comein.
Now.
Jamie Kern Lima says from herbook what's her book Worthy?
I think that's what the name ofit is.
I have it open.
It's all highlighted.
She says I love positive andbelieve that so much of life is
the meaning we ourselves attachto things.
(13:56):
The meaning we give to anythingcreates emotion in our body and
our emotions create the life weexperience.
Yeah, we all love thepositivity and we believe that
so much in our life should beabout positive, but we also have
to look at the meaning of theemotions that we create as well
(14:18):
and embrace those experiences,because we live in a society
where we so often have no ideawhat someone else is going
through and they don't know whatwe're going through most of the
time don't know what we'regoing through most of the time.
Social media, when we look atFacebook or Instagram or any
(14:39):
type of feeds at all, or videos.
Social media feeds all the fun,all the perfection.
If we share our vulnerable selfand be honest in some of those,
we can get support and lovefrom most people.
(14:59):
But we also can be criticizedfor it.
If I went on there and you knowcried or I talked about how
hard it was, I wonder how thatis received.
We're kind of branded andtaught to share the positive
things and I can fit that moldreally well.
(15:20):
But I also have to realize thatthere's going to be good and
bad, and happy and sad andfrustration and anger and
lessons learned along the way.
It's all going to balance out.
Anytime you connect with someoneas you truly are and share how
you're feeling with someone else, even when it's not positive,
(15:44):
you foster intimacy.
And this was like a really ahamoment for me, because when we
share how we feel with oneanother or our experiences with
one another, we build arelationship and we have to
think about it as a gift to bothof us, especially the person
(16:05):
listening to us.
They're taking this as a gift,and I feel that way with my
sister now because we've had ourups and our downs and we had
our challenges and experiencesthat you know were hard, and
we're closer than we ever arenow because we experience the
(16:28):
good and the bad and the ugly,and it's a gift now that we give
to each other and the ugly andit's a gift now that we give to
each other.
So next time you feel like youdon't want to bother a friend or
a family member or a loved one,try to see it as a potential
gift of the connection you'reoffering to them both when you
call, because you may be feelingsomething and they might say I
(16:52):
feel the same way and that issomething remarkable.
They just might need it at theexact moment that you need it.
So now I'm not saying to throwout your emotions and your
feelings and throw up oneverybody and give them
everything, but you want to tryto be honest with them as well.
(17:13):
And there are days where Idon't even want to try to be
honest with them as well andthere are days where I don't
even want to talk to my sister,connie, or I don't have a lot to
say.
But if I tell her that, youknow I might not be as happy as
I am today.
I'm struggling today.
It's nice to be able to goahead and be honest.
So let me share just a fewthoughts here.
So so let's say now let's goback to the receptionist person
(17:36):
and you're checking in at that7am ungodly hour.
You're checking in and she saysgood morning, how are you doing
.
And you're thinking in yourmind this is an ungodly early
time and I didn't get a lot ofsleep.
You're going to say goodmorning.
You know.
You're going to say goodmorning.
I'm a bit tired because this isan early appointment, but I'm
(18:00):
glad to be here.
It's not.
You're not going ahead andmaking it all.
You're not white lying anymore.
That's what I'm trying to getat.
Or another example your friendchecks in with you.
They send you a text and say hi, friend, so nice, how are you
(18:20):
doing?
Maybe they say that how are youdoing?
You can respond back by sayingso nice that you checked.
Text me, thank you, I neededthis today since I stayed up too
late last night doing houseworkand all the administration
stuff, but with a bit of coffeeand some music and hearing from
(18:41):
you, I can make it through theNATO.
So you're telling them thatyou're exhausted and frustrated
and that kind of thing, butyou're twisting it into more of
a realistic twist and you're notjust saying, oh, I'm okay or
you're not.
You know, but if you have atrue friend, you know I have a
(19:01):
lot of people that I just throwup and say it's a shitty day
right now, but you know thatkind of thing, and then my
friends and I know to look atlike a funny video or sending
each other a joke, and then thattwists the thing around.
Now let's go back.
If you stay in this positivetoxicity and never allow
(19:24):
yourself to express and feelthese emotions and then sharing
them as well, you're not doingany of that.
You're kind of masking it.
There's a cost and I want youto think about these white lies
just piling up on you and you'retraining your brain, this false
(19:44):
story of everything is fine,everything is perfect,
everything will be okay.
Now it's good to feel that way,but sooner or later you need to
go ahead and release thesewhite lies that you're carrying,
because this can lead todisconnection from your true
emotions and relationships.
It could stop you from askingfor help, it can stop you from
(20:11):
looking at your authentic selfand you could lose yourself.
There's so many times where Ihear caregivers saying I lost, I
don't know who I am anymore orI've lost my life.
You know that kind of thing.
And I go back to saying what?
Have you been looking at yourthoughts and your feelings and
(20:31):
have you been staying in touchwith your relationships with
your friends and your family?
The only way to have a true,intimate connection with
yourself is to fully seeyourself, acknowledge what your
thoughts and feelings are andembrace who you are
(20:53):
authentically.
You might be a hot mess rightnow, but are you embracing and
understanding why you're a hotmess right now?
You have to understand that sothat you can go ahead then and
move forward.
When you are out of alignmentI'll use that term with yourself
(21:13):
or you disconnect from who youare truly, even disconnect from
your family and friends.
You can easily feel lonely andisolated, even if you're in a
room full of people, even ifyou're on a car ride with family
or friends, even staring in themirror at yourself, and you
(21:35):
don't even recognize who you areanymore.
Well, I'm going to give you anexample, and I stole this
example from Jamie Kern-Lima'sbook here, but I thought it's a
good example.
Here it says think about a baby.
When you have a baby that'sjust starting to notice mama's
face and they're gooing andgahing and mama smiles at them,
(21:58):
or they put their hand up andthey wrap their hand around your
finger and you're playing withthem and they're smiling and
giggling and gooing, then, allof a sudden, mom ignores the
baby and she's working onsomething else.
Or maybe she's still holdingthe baby, but maybe she's
(22:20):
looking at her phone, or maybeshe's talking on the phone or
she's working on something else.
Well, all of a sudden, the babythen may feel isolated or
lonely.
Nobody's paying attention tothem.
They may cry, they may feel sad, because they need the
attention.
Same applies to you.
(22:42):
If you ignore your emotions orhide behind this toxic
positivity, you may become sad,depressed, angry, frustrated.
Think about your emotions thatare coming out.
You may isolate, you may feelhopeless.
(23:02):
Know, caregivers, we're taughtto be resilient and strong and
be positive, but we also have totake care of ourselves and this
is one way we have to do that,we have to work on our inner
emotions all the time, becausedisconnection if we continue to
(23:28):
disconnect from our emotions,from our relationships and we
don't express any communication,it's a form of trauma that
later down the road will comeback for us.
And this trauma is from and theresult is then we're isolating
(23:51):
ourselves, we're feeling lonelyand we force ourselves then to
kind of say, stay away or feelisolated and lonely and this is
called a stress response to thetrauma.
Or feel isolated and lonely andthis is called a stress
response to the trauma.
Instead of going ahead andfixing or stepping out of that
(24:14):
trauma, we just become part ofthat trauma by isolating and
feeling lonely.
And people will use saying Ifeel isolated, I feel like I
don't have any friends.
And this may be the root causethat you're not communicating
your emotions, you're notbuilding relationship by talking
(24:36):
about what's happening in yourlife right now.
I feel this way myselfsometimes, because I went out
for my lunch with my brother andmy sister and in my head I'm
like I'm not going to shareeverything that's happening.
I feel like a broken record.
I'm talking about getting readyto go ahead for the stem cell
(24:57):
transplant, being away from homefor 90 days and worrying about
this and worrying about that.
But if I don't communicate that, I'm not forming a connection.
And they want to help me.
They want to go ahead and hearwhat's going on versus.
I want to hear what's going onwith them Instead of saying, oh,
(25:17):
it's okay, no, share that,share that with them.
No, share that, share that withthem.
So today's episode is yourinvitation, my friend, to check
in with yourself.
Are you honoring your fullrange of emotions or are you
(25:45):
hiding behind forced positivity?
Are you honoring your fullrange of emotions or are you
hiding behind forced positivity?
Authentic connection startswith you allowing yourself to
see imperfections and all.
So the next time someone asksyou, how are you Dared, answer
(26:09):
honestly.
I want you to do it in apositive and an optimistic way,
but you might just spark adeeper conversation, strengthen
a friendship or give yourselfpermission to heal.
Now, like I said, you're notgoing to throw up on everybody,
but you're going to go ahead andbe honest.
Now, some people say it as agreeting and they don't even
(26:29):
listen to what you say.
But your true friends, yourcommunities, your social groups,
your church groups, othercaregivers yeah, they're going
to say I get it, I get it.
You know.
You might go to the grocerystore and this is the first time
you were out all week becauseyou've been with your loved ones
(26:53):
and they might say, oh, it'snice to see you, how are you
doing?
And you might say, well, it'snice to get out, because I
haven't been out in over a week.
Caring for so-and-so has beenreally hard and I can't get away
as much, and so this is my onlyouting of the week and you
might just share that.
(27:14):
You're not getting into the deeproots of your connection, but
you're at least expressing someof that and you're doing it in a
positive way.
So I challenge you to do that.
I challenge you to go ahead andshare that.
There are people that you'regoing to see and people that are
going to want to listen.
So, in closing today, what's onefeeling?
(27:38):
I'm asking you a question here,what's one feeling you've been
hiding behind with the words I'mfine.
And who will you share it withthis week?
Because hopefully you're askingsomebody else that question too
, like even my sister, because Iknow my sister works and even
(27:59):
my girlfriend Julie.
They work in very stressfulcorporate jobs and so they're
going to ask me how I'm doing.
I'm going to share, we're goingto talk about them, and then
I'm going to say I can't forgetabout you, julie, because I know
that your work is so demanding.
What's happening this week, howare you taking care of yourself
(28:25):
?
And we can talk through thoseas well, and that just builds a
connection with each other.
So reach out, speak your truthand watch how your relationships
and your own well-beingtransform.
Now you could make that withyour loved one as well, if you
have a close relationship withyour loved one, because Dennis
(28:48):
and I are having really goodconversations now, because the
fear and the anxiety is settingin and we might say okay, how is
your fear and anxiety today,what are you feeling?
And then he might ask me how amI feeling and what can we do to
(29:09):
help each other?
So I'm just giving you food forthought.
So let's go ahead and closetoday with.
I wanted to grab a book.
Hold on a minute.
I want to grab one thing Iloved.
I'm still in this Jamie KerrLima book, but I found this
quote here and it says when itcomes to your life, are you
living to make it through or areyou living to make it count.
(29:32):
Are you living to make itthrough?
Are you living to make it count?
And I'm thinking, count for you?
You want to leave thiscaregiver life someday and be
proud of who you became.
Okay, I better end now, becauseI just feel like I just could go
(29:52):
on a soapbox and just keepgoing, but I want to thank you
for listening to another episodeof the Caregiver Cup podcast.
I want you to remember this.
You are not alone, my friend.
We, as caregivers, all facethis, especially this toxic
positivity, and your realemotions are always welcomed
(30:15):
here, and I want to hear fromyou.
Tell me how this has impactedyou today, how this has impacted
you today.
What are you going to do to goahead and really embrace and
find that joy that Paula Jeantalked about in challenging
times?
You have a good rest of theweek, my friend, and until next
(30:35):
week.
Bye for now.
Well, hello again and welcome to another episode of
the Caregiver Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
Today's episode we're talkingall about emotions and we're
talking about these white liesthat we tell when we meet
somebody up, like how are youdoing?
Oh, I'm fine, and sometimeswe're not, and there's
(00:22):
appropriate times when we shouldsay it because it's just being
polite, but then there's timeswhere we should be open about it
and we're going to talk aboutthat and we're going to talk
about the official term calledtoxic positivity and how we mask
our emotions mask our emotions.
(00:46):
So let me start out with justkind of a similar it's kind of
an analogy slash story that Ithink you and I experienced many
times as caregivers.
It was a rough night and therewas very where you got very
little sleep.
You spend hours after dinnercatching up with laundry and
dishes and light cleaning.
For me, having two dogs, it'salways vacuuming the house
(01:07):
because they sprinkle all thismagic fur all over the place.
When you get done, you jumpinto bed and you do your bedtime
routine and you get into bedbut your head's still racing
because you know you forgotsomething and it comes to your
mind.
You forgot to do the onlinechecking for your loved one.
In the morning you keep gettingthese texts and emails to go
(01:29):
ahead and do that.
And then you promised a friendto get them a contact name and
you promised that you would getto it later in the day and you
realize that you didn't get toit.
So you jump out of bed and getthat done, because you're not
going to be able to sleep untilyou get that done.
Well, 10 minutes turns into 20,20 minutes turns into 30,
(01:51):
because you're already up andyou see that you need to take
care of a couple of more emails.
Before you know it, it'salready midnight and in the back
of your mind you know you haveto get up at 5.30 because you
have to be at your loved one'sappointment for a bright 7 am.
I know my husband'sappointments are a lot of his
(02:12):
oncology appointments.
The labs start at 7 or 7.30.
It's crazy.
So the alarm goes off and youjust feel it, but you put
yourself into this go mode andjump right in and do what you
have or you have to do.
You're getting yourself ready,you're getting your loved ones
ready, you're grabbing whateveryou need to go, but you feel
(02:33):
exhausted and a bit edgy andeverything is kind of that
anxiety and stress is just builtup right away when you wake up.
You set yourself up right fromthe start.
So fast forward.
Now You're walking into thedoctor's office with your loved
one and the receptionist greetsyou and your loved one and they
(02:53):
say hi, how are you doing?
Good morning.
You smile and you say I'm goodThroughout the day.
You see the nurse you say I'mfine.
You see the doctor and you sayI'm fine.
You see the doctor and you sayI'm good.
You see the pharmacist and afew other friends along the way,
all greeting and asking you howare you doing?
And, to be polite, you tellthem you're fine, you're good,
(03:15):
you're hanging in there andanything else that sounds
positive, even though knowinginside you are teetering on the
brink of tears now becauseyou're so exhausted or you're
ready to burst out intofrustration based on your
situation.
Well, today, like I said, I wantto talk about in this episode
(03:38):
and we want to dive into thetopic of toxic positivity, the
white lies we tell ourselves andothers to mask our true
feelings so we don't come off asthis needy or burden others
with our negativity.
Psychologists describe toxicpositivity as the act of
(04:00):
suppressing or avoiding our realemotions, and it's a tendency
that we eventually lead.
It can lead to isolation,deeper emotional traumas and
unhealthy coping mechanisms, andthat's what I want to talk
about today.
First of all, did you know thatstudies have shown over 75% of
(04:20):
people deliberately pretend tobe happy even when they're not
and I know I'm guilty of itsometimes and I'm thinking you
are as well.
And let's talk about why wemask our emotions first.
Have you ever felt like sayingI'm fine even when you're not?
(04:41):
Yeah, we do that, especiallywith people that we don't know
very well, especially if you'rein a hurry or you don't want to
burden somebody.
Another question is what is itthat keeps you from sharing your
true feelings with a friend ora stranger?
Is it time?
(05:03):
Is it you just don't think thatthey should have to listen to
you?
Why do you think you do that?
And how often do you thinkabout the cost of these white
lies?
In the long run, it's easier.
First of all, it's easier tohide behind the facet of
happiness.
It's so much easier, especiallywhen we fear being judged or
(05:25):
worried about burdening others.
Yet not expressing our authenticemotions can cause risks risk
of disconnection from others andthose we care about, and so
what we really need to do isfind some sort of balance.
We all know that being honestabout our emotions isn't about
(05:48):
wallowing in negativity.
It's about acknowledging thatour true feelings are there and
expressing a full range ofemotions.
We also need to ensure thatwe're not allowing negative
feelings to dominate our mindset.
Allowing negative feelings todominate our mindset.
(06:08):
Think about this in a way ifyou're constantly in a state of
negativity, the feelings thenbecome a default and impacts of
every aspect of our life.
Well, I always like to bring upthe fact of do you know there's
two spectrums?
Think of it as a teeter-totter,almost.
And let's talk about thenegative side.
Do you know there's twospectrums?
Think of it as a teeter-totter,almost.
(06:30):
Let's talk about the negativeside.
Do you know people that arevery negative?
And I'm thinking about a personright now.
Every time I say to them how areyou doing?
Hey, it's nice to see you theyalways say I'm tired.
I mean, I can count on it,dennis and I make this little
inside joke with ourselves Okay,we're going to get the I'm
tired, and I've come to thepoint now where I don't even
(06:55):
want to acknowledge it anymoreFor a while.
There I'm like, oh, what's beenhappening?
I'm sorry you're feeling sotired.
What can you know what's beenhappening?
I'm sorry you're feeling sotired, what can you know?
You know what's happening, youknow.
And then they would get intoall the bloomin', gloomin',
whatever.
And now I get to the pointwhere I don't even want to hear
it and so I forced myself not tobe this, not this unempathetic
(07:23):
person.
So I really don't say.
I usually say hi, how are youdoing?
Welcome, come on in, and Idon't even ask anymore.
Or you get somebody like you goto a family gathering and you
have to talk to this person, andthey always talk about their
work being so stressful and hard.
(07:44):
And it's a happy occasion let'ssay it's Easter or Christmas or
you know a holiday of some kindand you're like, oh gosh, here
that person comes and allthey're going to do is complain
about work and all you want tosay to them is, if you don't
like it, go find somewhere else,but they bring you down like it
, go find somewhere else, butthey bring you down.
(08:06):
Okay, so that's the side thatyou know.
That's the opposite of tryingto improve negativity.
They're just the downer Versus.
The other side of theteeter-totter is when somebody
is so positive that it's fakey,that it's just fake and they're
always up and they're always.
I mean, they're glass, they'reoptimistic, they're almost to
(08:28):
the, they're an optimisticaddict, almost in a way where,
okay, you can't be happy all thetime.
You know something bad happens.
You cut your finger and you'relike, oh, I'm okay, I'm fine A
little, you know, and they'rejust always.
Always I'm fine and they'rejust always always versus.
(08:52):
Oh my God, it hurts and it'salmost to the point where it's
not honest.
And so finding balance is theimportant piece, balance with
being honest with your feelings.
We all know that being honestwith our emotions isn't about
wallowing in negativity.
That's what I'm trying to getat.
It's about acknowledging ourfeelings.
But the good and thechallenging are valid and
(09:15):
temporary.
So we know that the bad thingsare, the challenges that we face
as caregivers are never goingto be permanent.
They're temporary and we'regoing to move on and there's
going to be things that we'regoing to be able to express.
While it's important toexperience and express a full
range of emotions, we also needto ensure that we're not
(09:37):
allowing all of these negativefeelings to dominate our mindset
or which I'm going to talkabout in just a little bit
letting our toxic positivity out, just mask what we're feeling.
We have to find that balance.
Think of it as a way you'reconstantly in a state of
negativity, that feelings canbecome a default and we don't
(10:02):
want that and impact our life.
So we want to find that balance.
So I want to ask you thisquestion when was the last time
you allowed yourself to fullyfeel, instead of just saying I'm
fine?
In trying to be honest about it, maybe you go into the doctor's
(10:22):
office.
They're going to say goodmorning, how are you doing?
And you're going to say well,I'm a bit tired, but I'm happier
now that I see you and you toldme good morning.
You could say something andyou're being honest with your
emotion, but you're also lookingat the positive side.
Another question is how mightyour relationships improve if
(10:43):
you share your true feelings,even just a little bit of it?
If you know me a little bit, Iknow that people mean well when
they say you got this, but forme, you got this is a trigger.
(11:03):
As a caregiver, I want to justscream back some days and say I
don't got this, and I knowthat's not proper English, but
I'm just following the thing.
You got this when, okay, I'mscared, I don't know if the
chemotherapy is going to work, Ididn't get a good night's sleep
(11:27):
and you got this.
Isn't something that makes mefeel all better, I don't know
how else to say it.
So I always have to just thinkabout the intent, and maybe
people just don't know what tosay instead of responding to a
(11:47):
comment that somebody says in anegative way, and so sometimes I
just let it go.
I acknowledge the emotion in myhead and say I don't really got
it, but I'm going to allow themoment to pass.
Now I got an email response backfrom Paula Jean and I told her
(12:09):
I was going to share this on thepodcast.
She's a caregiver in Israel andshe's been one of the
caregivers from the CaregiverCup podcast from the very start.
She sent me just this one-linestatement and I sat with it and
went, oh my gosh, what a giftshe gave us today.
(12:29):
So let me share it.
She says this isn't aboutpretending everything's okay.
It's about honoring yourchallenges and allowing space
for joy to sneak in.
Powerful, isn't it?
Let me say it one more time incase you need to soak it in.
This isn't about pretendingeverything's okay.
(12:49):
It's about honoring yourchallenges and allowing space
for joy to sneak in.
Honoring your challenges,embracing your challenges and
then letting joy sneak in andfinding those moments of joy.
I just loved it.
(13:09):
Thank you, paula Jean, forgiving that gift to all of us.
On the Caregiver Cup podcast.
We're responsible for ourenergy we bring into the room
and into ourselves.
But you and I can't hide fromourselves and heal at the same
time.
We have to go ahead and allowthe ups and downs and the good
(13:35):
and the bad to go ahead and comein.
Now.
Jamie Kern Lima says from herbook what's her book Worthy?
I think that's what the name ofit is.
I have it open.
It's all highlighted.
She says I love positive andbelieve that so much of life is
the meaning we ourselves attachto things.
(13:56):
The meaning we give to anythingcreates emotion in our body and
our emotions create the life weexperience.
Yeah, we all love thepositivity and we believe that
so much in our life should beabout positive, but we also have
to look at the meaning of theemotions that we create as well
(14:18):
and embrace those experiences,because we live in a society
where we so often have no ideawhat someone else is going
through and they don't know whatwe're going through most of the
time don't know what we'regoing through most of the time.
Social media, when we look atFacebook or Instagram or any
(14:39):
type of feeds at all, or videos.
Social media feeds all the fun,all the perfection.
If we share our vulnerable selfand be honest in some of those,
we can get support and lovefrom most people.
(14:59):
But we also can be criticizedfor it.
If I went on there and you knowcried or I talked about how
hard it was, I wonder how thatis received.
We're kind of branded andtaught to share the positive
things and I can fit that moldreally well.
(15:20):
But I also have to realize thatthere's going to be good and
bad, and happy and sad andfrustration and anger and
lessons learned along the way.
It's all going to balance out.
Anytime you connect with someoneas you truly are and share how
you're feeling with someone else, even when it's not positive,
(15:44):
you foster intimacy.
And this was like a really ahamoment for me, because when we
share how we feel with oneanother or our experiences with
one another, we build arelationship and we have to
think about it as a gift to bothof us, especially the person
(16:05):
listening to us.
They're taking this as a gift,and I feel that way with my
sister now because we've had ourups and our downs and we had
our challenges and experiencesthat you know were hard, and
we're closer than we ever arenow because we experience the
(16:28):
good and the bad and the ugly,and it's a gift now that we give
to each other and the ugly andit's a gift now that we give to
each other.
So next time you feel like youdon't want to bother a friend or
a family member or a loved one,try to see it as a potential
gift of the connection you'reoffering to them both when you
call, because you may be feelingsomething and they might say I
(16:52):
feel the same way and that issomething remarkable.
They just might need it at theexact moment that you need it.
So now I'm not saying to throwout your emotions and your
feelings and throw up oneverybody and give them
everything, but you want to tryto be honest with them as well.
(17:13):
And there are days where Idon't even want to try to be
honest with them as well andthere are days where I don't
even want to talk to my sister,connie, or I don't have a lot to
say.
But if I tell her that, youknow I might not be as happy as
I am today.
I'm struggling today.
It's nice to be able to goahead and be honest.
So let me share just a fewthoughts here.
So so let's say now let's goback to the receptionist person
(17:36):
and you're checking in at that7am ungodly hour.
You're checking in and she saysgood morning, how are you doing
.
And you're thinking in yourmind this is an ungodly early
time and I didn't get a lot ofsleep.
You're going to say goodmorning.
You know.
You're going to say goodmorning.
I'm a bit tired because this isan early appointment, but I'm
(18:00):
glad to be here.
It's not.
You're not going ahead andmaking it all.
You're not white lying anymore.
That's what I'm trying to getat.
Or another example your friendchecks in with you.
They send you a text and say hi, friend, so nice, how are you
(18:20):
doing?
Maybe they say that how are youdoing?
You can respond back by sayingso nice that you checked.
Text me, thank you, I neededthis today since I stayed up too
late last night doing houseworkand all the administration
stuff, but with a bit of coffeeand some music and hearing from
(18:41):
you, I can make it through theNATO.
So you're telling them thatyou're exhausted and frustrated
and that kind of thing, butyou're twisting it into more of
a realistic twist and you're notjust saying, oh, I'm okay or
you're not.
You know, but if you have atrue friend, you know I have a
(19:01):
lot of people that I just throwup and say it's a shitty day
right now, but you know thatkind of thing, and then my
friends and I know to look atlike a funny video or sending
each other a joke, and then thattwists the thing around.
Now let's go back.
If you stay in this positivetoxicity and never allow
(19:24):
yourself to express and feelthese emotions and then sharing
them as well, you're not doingany of that.
You're kind of masking it.
There's a cost and I want youto think about these white lies
just piling up on you and you'retraining your brain, this false
(19:44):
story of everything is fine,everything is perfect,
everything will be okay.
Now it's good to feel that way,but sooner or later you need to
go ahead and release thesewhite lies that you're carrying,
because this can lead todisconnection from your true
emotions and relationships.
It could stop you from askingfor help, it can stop you from
(20:11):
looking at your authentic selfand you could lose yourself.
There's so many times where Ihear caregivers saying I lost, I
don't know who I am anymore orI've lost my life.
You know that kind of thing.
And I go back to saying what?
Have you been looking at yourthoughts and your feelings and
(20:31):
have you been staying in touchwith your relationships with
your friends and your family?
The only way to have a true,intimate connection with
yourself is to fully seeyourself, acknowledge what your
thoughts and feelings are andembrace who you are
(20:53):
authentically.
You might be a hot mess rightnow, but are you embracing and
understanding why you're a hotmess right now?
You have to understand that sothat you can go ahead then and
move forward.
When you are out of alignmentI'll use that term with yourself
(21:13):
or you disconnect from who youare truly, even disconnect from
your family and friends.
You can easily feel lonely andisolated, even if you're in a
room full of people, even ifyou're on a car ride with family
or friends, even staring in themirror at yourself, and you
(21:35):
don't even recognize who you areanymore.
Well, I'm going to give you anexample, and I stole this
example from Jamie Kern-Lima'sbook here, but I thought it's a
good example.
Here it says think about a baby.
When you have a baby that'sjust starting to notice mama's
face and they're gooing andgahing and mama smiles at them,
(21:58):
or they put their hand up andthey wrap their hand around your
finger and you're playing withthem and they're smiling and
giggling and gooing, then, allof a sudden, mom ignores the
baby and she's working onsomething else.
Or maybe she's still holdingthe baby, but maybe she's
(22:20):
looking at her phone, or maybeshe's talking on the phone or
she's working on something else.
Well, all of a sudden, the babythen may feel isolated or
lonely.
Nobody's paying attention tothem.
They may cry, they may feel sad, because they need the
attention.
Same applies to you.
(22:42):
If you ignore your emotions orhide behind this toxic
positivity, you may become sad,depressed, angry, frustrated.
Think about your emotions thatare coming out.
You may isolate, you may feelhopeless.
(23:02):
Know, caregivers, we're taughtto be resilient and strong and
be positive, but we also have totake care of ourselves and this
is one way we have to do that,we have to work on our inner
emotions all the time, becausedisconnection if we continue to
(23:28):
disconnect from our emotions,from our relationships and we
don't express any communication,it's a form of trauma that
later down the road will comeback for us.
And this trauma is from and theresult is then we're isolating
(23:51):
ourselves, we're feeling lonelyand we force ourselves then to
kind of say, stay away or feelisolated and lonely and this is
called a stress response to thetrauma.
Or feel isolated and lonely andthis is called a stress
response to the trauma.
Instead of going ahead andfixing or stepping out of that
(24:14):
trauma, we just become part ofthat trauma by isolating and
feeling lonely.
And people will use saying Ifeel isolated, I feel like I
don't have any friends.
And this may be the root causethat you're not communicating
your emotions, you're notbuilding relationship by talking
(24:36):
about what's happening in yourlife right now.
I feel this way myselfsometimes, because I went out
for my lunch with my brother andmy sister and in my head I'm
like I'm not going to shareeverything that's happening.
I feel like a broken record.
I'm talking about getting readyto go ahead for the stem cell
(24:57):
transplant, being away from homefor 90 days and worrying about
this and worrying about that.
But if I don't communicate that, I'm not forming a connection.
And they want to help me.
They want to go ahead and hearwhat's going on versus.
I want to hear what's going onwith them Instead of saying, oh,
(25:17):
it's okay, no, share that,share that with them.
No, share that, share that withthem.
So today's episode is yourinvitation, my friend, to check
in with yourself.
Are you honoring your fullrange of emotions or are you
(25:45):
hiding behind forced positivity?
Are you honoring your fullrange of emotions or are you
hiding behind forced positivity?
Authentic connection startswith you allowing yourself to
see imperfections and all.
So the next time someone asksyou, how are you Dared, answer
(26:09):
honestly.
I want you to do it in apositive and an optimistic way,
but you might just spark adeeper conversation, strengthen
a friendship or give yourselfpermission to heal.
Now, like I said, you're notgoing to throw up on everybody,
but you're going to go ahead andbe honest.
Now, some people say it as agreeting and they don't even
(26:29):
listen to what you say.
But your true friends, yourcommunities, your social groups,
your church groups, othercaregivers yeah, they're going
to say I get it, I get it.
You know.
You might go to the grocerystore and this is the first time
you were out all week becauseyou've been with your loved ones
(26:53):
and they might say, oh, it'snice to see you, how are you
doing?
And you might say, well, it'snice to get out, because I
haven't been out in over a week.
Caring for so-and-so has beenreally hard and I can't get away
as much, and so this is my onlyouting of the week and you
might just share that.
(27:14):
You're not getting into the deeproots of your connection, but
you're at least expressing someof that and you're doing it in a
positive way.
So I challenge you to do that.
I challenge you to go ahead andshare that.
There are people that you'regoing to see and people that are
going to want to listen.
So, in closing today, what's onefeeling?
(27:38):
I'm asking you a question here,what's one feeling you've been
hiding behind with the words I'mfine.
And who will you share it withthis week?
Because hopefully you're askingsomebody else that question too
, like even my sister, because Iknow my sister works and even
(27:59):
my girlfriend Julie.
They work in very stressfulcorporate jobs and so they're
going to ask me how I'm doing.
I'm going to share, we're goingto talk about them, and then
I'm going to say I can't forgetabout you, julie, because I know
that your work is so demanding.
What's happening this week, howare you taking care of yourself
(28:25):
?
And we can talk through thoseas well, and that just builds a
connection with each other.
So reach out, speak your truthand watch how your relationships
and your own well-beingtransform.
Now you could make that withyour loved one as well, if you
have a close relationship withyour loved one, because Dennis
(28:48):
and I are having really goodconversations now, because the
fear and the anxiety is settingin and we might say okay, how is
your fear and anxiety today,what are you feeling?
And then he might ask me how amI feeling and what can we do to
(29:09):
help each other?
So I'm just giving you food forthought.
So let's go ahead and closetoday with.
I wanted to grab a book.
Hold on a minute.
I want to grab one thing Iloved.
I'm still in this Jamie KerrLima book, but I found this
quote here and it says when itcomes to your life, are you
living to make it through or areyou living to make it count.
(29:32):
Are you living to make itthrough?
Are you living to make it count?
And I'm thinking, count for you?
You want to leave thiscaregiver life someday and be
proud of who you became.
Okay, I better end now, becauseI just feel like I just could go
(29:52):
on a soapbox and just keepgoing, but I want to thank you
for listening to another episodeof the Caregiver Cup podcast.
I want you to remember this.
You are not alone, my friend.
We, as caregivers, all facethis, especially this toxic
positivity, and your realemotions are always welcomed
(30:15):
here, and I want to hear fromyou.
Tell me how this has impactedyou today, how this has impacted
you today.
What are you going to do to goahead and really embrace and
find that joy that Paula Jeantalked about in challenging
times?
You have a good rest of theweek, my friend, and until next
(30:35):
week.
Bye for now.
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