March 25, 2025 • 31 mins
Caregiving often leads to profound isolation, a reality I experienced firsthand during my husband Dennis's first stem cell transplant. With his second transplant approaching, I'm determined to transform potential loneliness into connection and community.
This episode explores the hidden costs of caregiver isolation, backed by sobering statistics: 61% of family caregivers report feeling lonely, and 40-70% experience depression. Beyond emotional impacts, isolation weakens our immune system and increases risks of chronic illness. Many caregivers lose touch with friends or stop participating in social activities, creating a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to break.
During Dennis's first transplant, I retreated into my introvert tendencies, using COVID protocols as an excuse to avoid meaningful interactions at our temporary housing facility. Though surrounded by people, I felt profoundly alone. The result? Oversleeping, emotional eating, increased anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness that only deepened my isolation.
Through personal reflection and support from accountability partners, I discovered that breaking free from isolation begins with small steps: brief conversations with staff, scheduled FaceTime calls with friends, and gradually expanding my comfort zone. For caregivers feeling isolated now, I offer practical suggestions from texting a friend "I miss you" to joining online support groups or community activities.
As I prepare for Dennis's upcoming stem cell transplant, I'm approaching it with a new mindset: connection is my lifeline. I'll participate in communal dinners, engage with other caregivers, and maintain regular contact with my support network.
Where do you fall on the loneliness scale from 1-5? Text me your number and one step you'll take to fill your social cup. Remember, while change might start with a tiny step, it can lead to transformative joy in even the hardest caregiving seasons.
💌 Want more inspiration, information, and a deeper connection? Join the Caregiver Cup Community Newsletter for my weekly email filled with support and encouragement.
Get my free resource: 17 Shifts To Reduce CAREGIVER STRESS & Say Good-bye To CAREGIVER BURNOUT
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
It's Kathy here on this lastTuesday of March.
Before we get started today, Iwanted to share a response that
I got from a weekly email.
First of all, if you are not onmy weekly email list, I send
(00:21):
out weekly emails, usuallyFriday, saturday or Sunday,
whenever I get around to it, butit's the end of the week and I
share a story, inspiration, tipsor motivation for you.
And this week, in the email Ishared about a lady that I saw
when Dennis and I were walkingout of the oncology department.
(00:42):
She was either a caregiver orgoing in for treatment, but she
was showing up as her best selfwith her white cowboy boots, her
cowboy hat which was so cuteher Western outfit, and she was
walking in as her best self, andthat inspired me to write an
(01:02):
email about showing up as yourbest self.
Well, I get a response backfrom one of the caregivers that
I wanted to share with you.
She said Hi, kathy, I was soinspired by this email and all I
could think about was to stopbeing down in the dumps.
And now that it's officiallyspring, why not bring out the
(01:22):
spring clothes a cute pair offaded jeans, a jean jacket with
a cute sweater and whitesneakers with gold trim.
It instantly lifted my mood,and so I just thought that just
is a nice way of putting it.
What can you do to lift yourmood?
What can you do to show up asyour best self even in the
(01:45):
hardest seasons?
Maybe it's putting on lipstickor jewelry, maybe it's grabbing
a better china or a cup that youdon't use and you save for
special occasions and you use it.
Now, what are you doing?
And so, hopefully, by gettingthese bits of information or
(02:06):
inspiration, either in my emailsor in my podcast episodes, you
can continue to show up as yourbest self.
Okay, let's move on to today'sepisode, and what I want to
share in today's episode is Iwant to go back to Dennis's
first stem cell transplant.
(02:26):
As you know, dennis is gettingready to go in for a second stem
cell transplant and he'sgetting.
My son is donating his stemcells in less than a month, and
I want to go into a bitdifferent.
I want to go into this as a bitdifferently.
I can't talk today, by the way,and then I did the first time
(02:50):
when the first time I went inwith my introvert tendencies.
Yes, I am an introvert.
I think I'm an extrovert insome situations, but I'm mostly
an introvert, but I'm mostly anintrovert.
In February of 2022, we werestill in the COVID protocols, so
(03:15):
it made it easy for me to hidebehind the masks, even in the
housing place.
We had to wear masks all thetime.
We wear more masks in thehospital and we had to stay
isolated.
Dennis did all of his own stemcell transplant where he donated
his own.
He did that all outpatient andso when we got back to the
hospital housing, which wascalled Kathy's house, and we
(03:36):
stayed in the room and so Ifollowed that suit.
But I remember feeling after afew days, lonely, isolated and
stuck, and I had conversationswith other people in the house,
but just a friendly hi, or howare you doing?
I regret not forming a bondlike I normally do, and I
(04:00):
normally know how to do.
I think I was.
I'm trying to analyze it now.
I think I was stressed, but Iwas also uncomfortable in a
community housing atmosphere andit was easier to stay in my
shell or in the room or stay,you know, kind of close to
(04:21):
myself.
But this time I want to haveconversations when we go back
and we go.
I have to go there on April 24.
And that's the start of two tothree months there this time,
and I want to go intoconversations, I want to engage
in there.
They have communal dinnersevery so often, they have
(04:42):
activities, and I want to findjoy in this hard time.
I'm going in with the mindsetthat connection can be a
lifeline and it will fill my cupand that's what I'm going to go
in with the mindset of.
So in today's episode, I wantto dive into the impact of
(05:04):
isolation on our well-beingemotionally, mentally and even
physically and acknowledge thatfeeling isolated is natural,
especially for caregivers in anew season of life or in a
challenging season of life, butthat we have the power to shift
that, and so this is reallyvulnerable for me and I am
(05:27):
almost thinking that this isgood therapy that I'm talking
through today, but I'm hopingthat you will think about
yourself as well.
Let's start out withunderstanding isolation, and the
first thing I want to reflecton is your feelings, and I want
you to think about and explorewhy you might feel isolated.
Is it because, and if you'refeeling isolated first of all,
(05:54):
why do you feel isolated.
Why are you feeling lonely?
Is it because your friends areunsure of how to interact with
you now, or because your newresponsibilities have shifted
your social landscape?
I follow a lot of caregivergroups online Facebook,
(06:16):
instagram.
I just kind of look at whatpeople are feeling all along and
some things are really good andsome things just bring me down.
But I see a lot of people likemy friends don't call me anymore
or I haven't been out, I'm solonely, that kind of thing.
(06:37):
Well, you want to first reflecton it and really think about
what your situation is and get agood understanding of it.
You could be surrounded, too,by people and still feel lonely
too.
That's kind of the way I feltit when I was doing the stem
cell transplant.
We would meet with doctors andnurses every day and there would
(06:57):
be, you know, there's.
I don't remember how many roomsthere are, but there could be
20 people out in the communalarea and I still felt lonely.
And so what is causing yourloneliness?
You want to think about that.
What is causing it?
Is it depression?
Is it lack of deep conversation?
(07:17):
Is it not being able to work?
Or you're not with the peoplethat you're used to being with.
What is the cause of that?
And really thinking aboutwhat's causing your loneliness,
what's causing your isolation.
Is it simply because you can'tleave the house right now?
(07:39):
Is it winter?
We're just coming off a winterin the United States.
Here Is it winter and youhaven't been able to get out as
much and do as much.
Or for me, it was being awayfrom home in 2022 for that stem
cell transplant and not beingable to see my family, not being
(08:01):
able to see my friends andinteract with my friends, and so
I was missing that life.
And even if you think, beforecaregiving, what was your life
before caregiving?
Were you a social butterfly andhad things to do all the time?
Why are you feeling lonely?
And I want you to reflect onwhy and what's causing it.
(08:25):
That would be the first thingto understand your isolation.
And if you think about it, Ieven pulled up some statistics
and I think that thesestatistics are good because it's
going to get into the mental,social and physical health
concerns of each one.
But what's prevalent here ofisolation is 61% of family
(08:46):
caregivers, according to theAARP and National Alliance for
Caregiving, reported lonely dueto their caregiving
responsibilities, which manyindicated that social
interactions really diminished.
Also, the National FamilyCaregiver Support Program said
(09:09):
more than 50% of caregivers saythey often feel isolated and are
socially disconnected.
It's probably nothing that youdon't know, but I want you to
know that you are not alone ifyou're feeling isolated and
you're really.
If you think about your time,your time is not.
You're not socially interactinganymore, and it can impact your
(09:32):
health and, according to theMayo Clinic in 2022, they said,
caregivers are more likely toexperience depression and
anxiety due to feelings ofisolation.
They said 40 to 70% ofcaregivers reported feeling
depressed.
Yeah, and so it does impact it.
(09:53):
And I think, too, if we lookback at what the pandemic did to
us during caregiving as well,those stats went up, and so if
you started your caregivingduring that time, or you're
dealing with somebody that has acompromised immune system and
you can't go out as much anymorebecause you don't want to be
(10:16):
exposed to stuff that can makeyou feel isolated as well, the
National Institutes of Healthsaid caregivers who experience
high levels of isolation had anincreased risk of mental health
issues, including anxiety,depression and caregiver burnout
(10:36):
.
Yeah, yeah, it does.
So let's look at the social one, too, because, if you don't
know me, I love stats.
By the way, aarp said 22% ofcaregivers report their
caregiving role has led them tolose touch with friends.
Is that one of you?
Are you one of the 22%?
(10:56):
And AARP also gave a stat of27% of caregivers have stopped
going out or participating insocial activities because of the
caregiver responsibilities.
Again, looking at that andlooking at, are you the 22% that
(11:19):
lost touch?
Are you the 27% that has nowstopped participating in social
activities?
That adds to even more of theisolation.
And not to mention, the NationalInstitute of Health talked
about physical health.
Prolonged isolation is linkedto increased stress, weakens our
(11:44):
immune system and heightens therisk of chronic illnesses,
underscoring that loneliness canaffect both emotional and our
physical health and ourwell-being.
So I think it's reallyimportant to go ahead and take
some time and assess whereyou're at or, if you're not at
(12:08):
this, know that this episode ishere, that you can come back to
it when you are feeling isolatedor lonely, because nine times
out of 10, we're going to havebouts of these in our caregiving
roles and responsibilities inour journey.
So let's talk further about thehidden costs of isolation.
(12:30):
I want you to really thinkabout you right now what happens
when isolation lingers.
We talked about why and lookingand understanding it, but I
want you to now think about whatyou do or what you notice or
recognize about yourself whenyou are isolated for long
(12:53):
periods of time.
I want you to pay attention toyou.
Are you in it now or you'veexperienced it before?
I know for me, I slept more in2022.
I didn't want to do anythingand I felt sad and depressed.
I gained weight since I atemore, and leaned into coping
(13:18):
mechanisms.
Now, some of the copingmechanisms were good because I
went for walks, I lifted weightsat the housing at Kathy's it's
called Kathy's house, k-a-t-h-yin Milwaukee.
I did crafts and I called myfamily and friends, but I did
those in isolation.
(13:38):
It amazes me what I did, but Ialso was unhealthy and I had
unhealthy habits.
Like I said, I ate more.
I did say, well, one day I'mgoing to get out and I started
shopping and that's not for me.
That's not a good copingmechanism because I don't need
anything, but I would go out andshop and I dived deep into
(14:04):
projects that I would do.
For example, maybe I'd work onmy website or I'd work on
something when, at that time Iwas working my career job as
well, but what my aha moment waswas I was missing the social
aspect, which an introvertdoesn't want to do most of the
(14:26):
time, which, for me, it was whatI needed, and as a result of it
, I became more depressed andsad.
This might include increasedstress.
For me, I had more anxiety.
(14:46):
So I want you to think aboutwhat does it look like for you
and what does your body do andyour mind do?
Because I think the biggestmistakes I see caregivers make,
including myself, is waiting toolong to reach out or assuming
our friends know we need help.
(15:07):
And it goes back to what I readin that social media group for
caregivers is nobody reaches outto me anymore.
I don't understand why.
I used to take care, I used tolisten to my friends.
Why don't they call and listento me?
And if this is not addressed andwe don't take care of it
(15:32):
ourself because nobody can fixit but ourself it becomes a
habit that's hard to break and Igot to be careful.
Nobody can fix it ourself,meaning that if we don't
recognize it, we don't go aheadand take that first step, it's
going to be hard to breakbecause our body and our mind
(15:56):
wants to keep us safe andthey're saying just stay in the
room, kathy, you'll be fine,take extra naps, relax, be fine,
take extra naps, relax,whatever it would be versus
taking a risk.
Your mind is saying oh my gosh,you know that kind of thing.
(16:20):
And for me then, and forprobably most people you become
when you do that, you becomemore and more stuck.
And then for me it felt likeguilt and shame.
I kept beating myself up,saying why am I not going and
sitting out and socializing withpeople?
Sure, we have to wear masks,but we can still socialize and
talk to each other, participatein the.
(16:43):
If they had crafts that night,or if they had somebody brought
in a lunch, I, instead of justgrabbing the lunch and going
back to my room, I could grabthe lunch, give some to Dennis,
but then tell Dennis I'm goingto go sit out in the common area
or the dining area and eat thelunch with everybody else.
Now I'm not saying you can'tbreak it, but it just gets
(17:09):
harder and harder, like I said,if you continue to just allow
your body and mind to convinceyourself to protect you and keep
you safe.
Because when you becomeuncomfortable.
That's where your mind startsplaying tricks.
I remember feeling this wayduring the stem cell transplant
(17:31):
season and I finally recognizedwhat it was doing to me and the
shame and the guilt and I wasn'tfeeling worthy anymore and all
that kind of stuff.
So I called my accountabilityfriends.
These are my business buddiesthat help me with my business
and Amy is a coach and Naomi isa coach and I said to them I'm
(17:54):
feeling so lonely and isolatedand I explained what I was doing
and they helped me, withoutjudgment, take small steps to
find social aspects.
Now, if you have anaccountability buddy, maybe
that's who you go to.
Maybe you look for a therapistto talk to, maybe you lean into
(18:16):
a community or a best friend.
But that's your first step.
I know I had to start.
I started having conversationswith the staff.
That's where I started, becausethey asked me what would you
want to do first?
And I'm like well, I walk inand out of the door every day to
(18:39):
bring Dennis.
I was especially the last fewweeks.
I dropped Dennis off at hisappointment.
He'd walk in, he would have toprobably get platelets and do
his stuff and I would come backand clean my room and, you know,
have my breakfast, all thatkind of stuff.
And then I'd go back and pickhim up and I started having
conversations and taking just afew minutes to stop by the front
(19:03):
desk and say, hey, how are youdoing today?
What's new today?
Because there would bedifferent volunteers.
And then, after I started, thatuncomfortableness started, you
know, getting better.
Then I started, you know,talking to other caregivers and
(19:23):
just saying, hey, how long haveyou been here?
What is your loved one goingthrough?
How are you doing?
Really, I do this on a podcast.
Why am I not doing it there?
And I started opening up alittle bit.
I started scheduling twoFaceTimes with my mom and some
(19:45):
of my friends to saying, hey,can I FaceTime you?
Well, let's schedule a day.
And I could just haveconversations.
Slowly but surely, I startedfeeling a little bit better.
I did, and so I think that youwant to think about where you're
(20:06):
at and potentially looking atthe hidden cost of your health
and well-being and what can youdo to improve it.
Now, if that person that waswriting in that Facebook group
that said none of my friendsreach out to me, or anything
(20:27):
like that, I would challenge herto go ahead and saying why do
they have to reach out to you?
Why can't you say hi to themand saying, you know, just
texting them or asking them,saying I miss you, can we
schedule a FaceTime together?
Or, you know, or looking atother alternatives to go ahead
(20:49):
and do that.
So let me go to the next pieceNow.
Now that you have understoodyour, understood the, your
isolation and looked at thehidden cost of your isolation,
now let's go into the formula togo ahead and really break free
(21:11):
of your loneliness and isolation.
First of all, you want torecognize and understand it we
just kind of talked about thatand validate your feelings
without blaming yourself andcausing yourself to beat
yourself up.
No judgment on your part and noblame.
Remind yourself that it'snormal to feel lonely sometimes
(21:35):
and you're recognizing it, soyou should be celebrating it
right now.
And then you have to acceptyour reality, understand that
while it's okay to feel isolatedand at times you're going to
have to be isolated, becausethat's what the caregiver role
is you have the power toinfluence parts of it and change
(21:58):
parts of your situation.
For example, if I had to staywith my mom and dad when they
were in hospice care and theyneeded hospice care.
Well, when there was a breakand somebody else was there, I
could change some of thatsituation walk to the mail, call
(22:20):
somebody, that sort of thing,and then, once you accept your
reality, you want to take smallsteps.
One little thing can get youstarted.
Don't create this big long listand stress yourself out and say
I'm going to do this and thisand this and this.
No, take baby steps.
One little thing.
(22:41):
Maybe it's scheduling a weeklycall with a friend or maybe it's
joining a caregiver group andit could be online if you can't
get out.
But you're starting some ofthat kind of small steps Now, if
you have the time, you couldjoin a class or you could go to
(23:05):
the gym.
Maybe it's a cooking class orit's a book club or it's a new
activity For me in Kathy's housewhen I go now at the end of
April, they have scheduledthings that you could do, not
necessarily like all the time,but they'll have a group
(23:27):
bringing in dinner for us and soif the dinner is cool, we'll
all go down there and sit andenjoy a dinner and we can talk
to other people.
Or maybe it's morning coffee.
Maybe there's a coffee clutchout there that sits and have
their morning coffee.
I'm all into that, or maybeit's, you know, bringing out my
paint and I paint by numbers.
(23:50):
Or I like to go ahead and docrafts.
Maybe I bring those to thetable and somebody wants to come
and join me.
So, whatever it would be, youcould also think about a simple
walk schedule a walk.
Perhaps you have a neighbor ora friend that needs a renewed
spark and you go for a walk AtKathy's house.
(24:12):
After I felt that isolation, Ijust started walking the halls
at night.
After dinner I said to Dennisyou know he would like you know
just to sit and watch somethingwithout me in the room with him.
I said you know what?
I'm going to go ahead and makefour or five laps through
Kathy's house and you know what?
I was able to stop and talk topeople and it wasn't long, or I
(24:36):
would be able to smile at themor whatever.
Maybe it's scheduling a coffeedate with a friend.
It could be at a coffee shop,it could be at your home and you
tell them to come on over, I'llthrow on a pot of coffee, or
you could do it virtually andsaying you know what, if you
have some time, let's schedule avirtual coffee date.
(24:58):
Chat with somebody in thewaiting room is another example.
Or the elevator.
You could chat with somebodythat way.
Just brainstorm ideas and takeone and try it.
I think that's the biggesttakeaway.
And then the big thing for youtoo, is experiment and adjust.
(25:19):
If it doesn't feel right orit's not working, then try
something else.
It's not working, then trysomething else.
Try, you know.
Be open to finding new people,new communities that understand
your unique journey.
You can go ahead and do that.
So setting you know, thinkingabout what you can do.
(25:43):
And then, when you do something, I want you to celebrate the
wins.
Write it in your gratitudejournal.
Go ahead and text me saying Idid this and I celebrate that.
Tell somebody I love doing that.
Thank you for going ahead anddoing that.
So let me share a couple ofquotes to inspire you.
If you're feeling lonely andisolated this one is from Mother
(26:06):
Teresa and it says lonelinessand the feeling of being
unwanted is the most terriblepoverty, and I want you to think
about that you can go ahead andreally think about this feeling
of being unwanted or isolateddoesn't feel well, and so if
(26:31):
you're feeling the poverty, feedit, my friend, feed it and do
something to go ahead and helpyou and bring your spirits up.
And another one from OscarWilde.
He said the smallest acts ofkindness is worth more than the
grandest intention.
And I'm talking about thesmallest act of kindness to you,
(26:54):
to yourself, is worth moregoing ahead and being kind to
yourself and doing somethingthat fills that social isolation
bucket.
And what can you do?
(27:18):
Because if you're fueling yourself-care with you're eating
well or you're exercising yourbody, don't forget about the
social aspect.
What am I doing to fill mysocial cup?
Social aspect what am I doingto fill my social cup?
Maybe it's going to church andsitting with community at church
and you have conversations whenyou walk in or conversations
when you walk out.
So think about what you doright now that could help you,
(27:41):
or what could you do that couldhelp you.
I think of ways I reached out,and one of the ways that I
reached out during that time isI texted my friends and said
this is just really simple andit's meaningful and really,
(28:02):
really impactful.
I texted my friends and said Imiss you, really, really
impactful.
I texted my friends and said Imiss you, I hate not being able
to spend time with you.
I hope we can try to figure outhow to do this.
And I said to them I'm tryingto figure out how to do this in
my situation and that just opensup the door.
(28:26):
I miss you.
I hate not being able to spendtime with you.
If you've had a friend in thepast that you've connected with
a lot and now there's a gapbecause now you're in a
different season of your lifewhere you're caregiving, let
them know you miss them.
I hate not being able to spendtime with you.
(28:48):
I'm trying to figure out how togo ahead and connect with you
again, and going back and forthmight just be the ticket for you
to feel a connection again.
And remember connection is yourlifeline.
So you could say for me, Ican't leave Milwaukee, but I
(29:10):
miss seeing you, julie, and Iwant to connect with you.
Maybe we can do a FaceTime or aZoom call or something like
that, or let's schedule a dateas soon as I get back, and
whatever it would be, you'reopening up the doors.
Okay, before I end today, I wantyou to answer a question for me
(29:33):
.
I want you to reflect on thisquestion when are you on the
loneliness and isolation scale.
It's a scale of one to five,one being I'm not isolated.
Three being somewhat isolatedand lonely.
Five being I'm extremely lonelyand isolated.
(29:57):
Are you a one, two, three, fouror five, five being extremely
isolated and lonely?
I want you to text me this whenare you at?
And if you want encouragement oryou want to go ahead and take
action and do something, tell meone step you're going to take
(30:20):
that's going to help you improveyour wellbeing.
Remember filling that socialbucket.
What are you going to do?
It could be as simple as youknow.
When I go to the doctor with myloved one today, I'm going to
talk to somebody in the waitingroom, or I'm going to have
conversation with a girl thatchecks in with me all the time
(30:44):
and just say hi, how are youdoing?
It's nice to see you againTrying to fill that social cup.
Tell me what you're doing.
Okay, to end today I just have areminder or a final statement
here.
While change might start with atiny step, it can lead to big
(31:04):
transformations over time.
We're in this together.
We all feel isolated and lonelyat times and we all get into
that rut, but what are you goingto do to shift that and take
control?
Remember, connection is yourlifeline and when you fill your
(31:27):
cup it helps your loneliness andit gets you to find more joy.
Well, until next time, myfriend.
You have a good rest of theweek.
I look forward to hearing fromyou.
Remember that text is in thelink and the email is in the
link.
Those are the two ways that Ireach out to you right now and
(31:48):
again.
We'll talk to you again nextweek.
Bye for now.
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
It's Kathy here on this lastTuesday of March.
Before we get started today, Iwanted to share a response that
I got from a weekly email.
First of all, if you are not onmy weekly email list, I send
(00:21):
out weekly emails, usuallyFriday, saturday or Sunday,
whenever I get around to it, butit's the end of the week and I
share a story, inspiration, tipsor motivation for you.
And this week, in the email Ishared about a lady that I saw
when Dennis and I were walkingout of the oncology department.
(00:42):
She was either a caregiver orgoing in for treatment, but she
was showing up as her best selfwith her white cowboy boots, her
cowboy hat which was so cuteher Western outfit, and she was
walking in as her best self, andthat inspired me to write an
(01:02):
email about showing up as yourbest self.
Well, I get a response backfrom one of the caregivers that
I wanted to share with you.
She said Hi, kathy, I was soinspired by this email and all I
could think about was to stopbeing down in the dumps.
And now that it's officiallyspring, why not bring out the
(01:22):
spring clothes a cute pair offaded jeans, a jean jacket with
a cute sweater and whitesneakers with gold trim.
It instantly lifted my mood,and so I just thought that just
is a nice way of putting it.
What can you do to lift yourmood?
What can you do to show up asyour best self even in the
(01:45):
hardest seasons?
Maybe it's putting on lipstickor jewelry, maybe it's grabbing
a better china or a cup that youdon't use and you save for
special occasions and you use it.
Now, what are you doing?
And so, hopefully, by gettingthese bits of information or
(02:06):
inspiration, either in my emailsor in my podcast episodes, you
can continue to show up as yourbest self.
Okay, let's move on to today'sepisode, and what I want to
share in today's episode is Iwant to go back to Dennis's
first stem cell transplant.
(02:26):
As you know, dennis is gettingready to go in for a second stem
cell transplant and he'sgetting.
My son is donating his stemcells in less than a month, and
I want to go into a bitdifferent.
I want to go into this as a bitdifferently.
I can't talk today, by the way,and then I did the first time
(02:50):
when the first time I went inwith my introvert tendencies.
Yes, I am an introvert.
I think I'm an extrovert insome situations, but I'm mostly
an introvert, but I'm mostly anintrovert.
In February of 2022, we werestill in the COVID protocols, so
(03:15):
it made it easy for me to hidebehind the masks, even in the
housing place.
We had to wear masks all thetime.
We wear more masks in thehospital and we had to stay
isolated.
Dennis did all of his own stemcell transplant where he donated
his own.
He did that all outpatient andso when we got back to the
hospital housing, which wascalled Kathy's house, and we
(03:36):
stayed in the room and so Ifollowed that suit.
But I remember feeling after afew days, lonely, isolated and
stuck, and I had conversationswith other people in the house,
but just a friendly hi, or howare you doing?
I regret not forming a bondlike I normally do, and I
(04:00):
normally know how to do.
I think I was.
I'm trying to analyze it now.
I think I was stressed, but Iwas also uncomfortable in a
community housing atmosphere andit was easier to stay in my
shell or in the room or stay,you know, kind of close to
(04:21):
myself.
But this time I want to haveconversations when we go back
and we go.
I have to go there on April 24.
And that's the start of two tothree months there this time,
and I want to go intoconversations, I want to engage
in there.
They have communal dinnersevery so often, they have
(04:42):
activities, and I want to findjoy in this hard time.
I'm going in with the mindsetthat connection can be a
lifeline and it will fill my cupand that's what I'm going to go
in with the mindset of.
So in today's episode, I wantto dive into the impact of
(05:04):
isolation on our well-beingemotionally, mentally and even
physically and acknowledge thatfeeling isolated is natural,
especially for caregivers in anew season of life or in a
challenging season of life, butthat we have the power to shift
that, and so this is reallyvulnerable for me and I am
(05:27):
almost thinking that this isgood therapy that I'm talking
through today, but I'm hopingthat you will think about
yourself as well.
Let's start out withunderstanding isolation, and the
first thing I want to reflecton is your feelings, and I want
you to think about and explorewhy you might feel isolated.
Is it because, and if you'refeeling isolated first of all,
(05:54):
why do you feel isolated.
Why are you feeling lonely?
Is it because your friends areunsure of how to interact with
you now, or because your newresponsibilities have shifted
your social landscape?
I follow a lot of caregivergroups online Facebook,
(06:16):
instagram.
I just kind of look at whatpeople are feeling all along and
some things are really good andsome things just bring me down.
But I see a lot of people likemy friends don't call me anymore
or I haven't been out, I'm solonely, that kind of thing.
(06:37):
Well, you want to first reflecton it and really think about
what your situation is and get agood understanding of it.
You could be surrounded, too,by people and still feel lonely
too.
That's kind of the way I feltit when I was doing the stem
cell transplant.
We would meet with doctors andnurses every day and there would
(06:57):
be, you know, there's.
I don't remember how many roomsthere are, but there could be
20 people out in the communalarea and I still felt lonely.
And so what is causing yourloneliness?
You want to think about that.
What is causing it?
Is it depression?
Is it lack of deep conversation?
(07:17):
Is it not being able to work?
Or you're not with the peoplethat you're used to being with.
What is the cause of that?
And really thinking aboutwhat's causing your loneliness,
what's causing your isolation.
Is it simply because you can'tleave the house right now?
(07:39):
Is it winter?
We're just coming off a winterin the United States.
Here Is it winter and youhaven't been able to get out as
much and do as much.
Or for me, it was being awayfrom home in 2022 for that stem
cell transplant and not beingable to see my family, not being
(08:01):
able to see my friends andinteract with my friends, and so
I was missing that life.
And even if you think, beforecaregiving, what was your life
before caregiving?
Were you a social butterfly andhad things to do all the time?
Why are you feeling lonely?
And I want you to reflect onwhy and what's causing it.
(08:25):
That would be the first thingto understand your isolation.
And if you think about it, Ieven pulled up some statistics
and I think that thesestatistics are good because it's
going to get into the mental,social and physical health
concerns of each one.
But what's prevalent here ofisolation is 61% of family
(08:46):
caregivers, according to theAARP and National Alliance for
Caregiving, reported lonely dueto their caregiving
responsibilities, which manyindicated that social
interactions really diminished.
Also, the National FamilyCaregiver Support Program said
(09:09):
more than 50% of caregivers saythey often feel isolated and are
socially disconnected.
It's probably nothing that youdon't know, but I want you to
know that you are not alone ifyou're feeling isolated and
you're really.
If you think about your time,your time is not.
You're not socially interactinganymore, and it can impact your
(09:32):
health and, according to theMayo Clinic in 2022, they said,
caregivers are more likely toexperience depression and
anxiety due to feelings ofisolation.
They said 40 to 70% ofcaregivers reported feeling
depressed.
Yeah, and so it does impact it.
(09:53):
And I think, too, if we lookback at what the pandemic did to
us during caregiving as well,those stats went up, and so if
you started your caregivingduring that time, or you're
dealing with somebody that has acompromised immune system and
you can't go out as much anymorebecause you don't want to be
(10:16):
exposed to stuff that can makeyou feel isolated as well, the
National Institutes of Healthsaid caregivers who experience
high levels of isolation had anincreased risk of mental health
issues, including anxiety,depression and caregiver burnout
(10:36):
.
Yeah, yeah, it does.
So let's look at the social one, too, because, if you don't
know me, I love stats.
By the way, aarp said 22% ofcaregivers report their
caregiving role has led them tolose touch with friends.
Is that one of you?
Are you one of the 22%?
(10:56):
And AARP also gave a stat of27% of caregivers have stopped
going out or participating insocial activities because of the
caregiver responsibilities.
Again, looking at that andlooking at, are you the 22% that
(11:19):
lost touch?
Are you the 27% that has nowstopped participating in social
activities?
That adds to even more of theisolation.
And not to mention, the NationalInstitute of Health talked
about physical health.
Prolonged isolation is linkedto increased stress, weakens our
(11:44):
immune system and heightens therisk of chronic illnesses,
underscoring that loneliness canaffect both emotional and our
physical health and ourwell-being.
So I think it's reallyimportant to go ahead and take
some time and assess whereyou're at or, if you're not at
(12:08):
this, know that this episode ishere, that you can come back to
it when you are feeling isolatedor lonely, because nine times
out of 10, we're going to havebouts of these in our caregiving
roles and responsibilities inour journey.
So let's talk further about thehidden costs of isolation.
(12:30):
I want you to really thinkabout you right now what happens
when isolation lingers.
We talked about why and lookingand understanding it, but I
want you to now think about whatyou do or what you notice or
recognize about yourself whenyou are isolated for long
(12:53):
periods of time.
I want you to pay attention toyou.
Are you in it now or you'veexperienced it before?
I know for me, I slept more in2022.
I didn't want to do anythingand I felt sad and depressed.
I gained weight since I atemore, and leaned into coping
(13:18):
mechanisms.
Now, some of the copingmechanisms were good because I
went for walks, I lifted weightsat the housing at Kathy's it's
called Kathy's house, k-a-t-h-yin Milwaukee.
I did crafts and I called myfamily and friends, but I did
those in isolation.
(13:38):
It amazes me what I did, but Ialso was unhealthy and I had
unhealthy habits.
Like I said, I ate more.
I did say, well, one day I'mgoing to get out and I started
shopping and that's not for me.
That's not a good copingmechanism because I don't need
anything, but I would go out andshop and I dived deep into
(14:04):
projects that I would do.
For example, maybe I'd work onmy website or I'd work on
something when, at that time Iwas working my career job as
well, but what my aha moment waswas I was missing the social
aspect, which an introvertdoesn't want to do most of the
(14:26):
time, which, for me, it was whatI needed, and as a result of it
, I became more depressed andsad.
This might include increasedstress.
For me, I had more anxiety.
(14:46):
So I want you to think aboutwhat does it look like for you
and what does your body do andyour mind do?
Because I think the biggestmistakes I see caregivers make,
including myself, is waiting toolong to reach out or assuming
our friends know we need help.
(15:07):
And it goes back to what I readin that social media group for
caregivers is nobody reaches outto me anymore.
I don't understand why.
I used to take care, I used tolisten to my friends.
Why don't they call and listento me?
And if this is not addressed andwe don't take care of it
(15:32):
ourself because nobody can fixit but ourself it becomes a
habit that's hard to break and Igot to be careful.
Nobody can fix it ourself,meaning that if we don't
recognize it, we don't go aheadand take that first step, it's
going to be hard to breakbecause our body and our mind
(15:56):
wants to keep us safe andthey're saying just stay in the
room, kathy, you'll be fine,take extra naps, relax, be fine,
take extra naps, relax,whatever it would be versus
taking a risk.
Your mind is saying oh my gosh,you know that kind of thing.
(16:20):
And for me then, and forprobably most people you become
when you do that, you becomemore and more stuck.
And then for me it felt likeguilt and shame.
I kept beating myself up,saying why am I not going and
sitting out and socializing withpeople?
Sure, we have to wear masks,but we can still socialize and
talk to each other, participatein the.
(16:43):
If they had crafts that night,or if they had somebody brought
in a lunch, I, instead of justgrabbing the lunch and going
back to my room, I could grabthe lunch, give some to Dennis,
but then tell Dennis I'm goingto go sit out in the common area
or the dining area and eat thelunch with everybody else.
Now I'm not saying you can'tbreak it, but it just gets
(17:09):
harder and harder, like I said,if you continue to just allow
your body and mind to convinceyourself to protect you and keep
you safe.
Because when you becomeuncomfortable.
That's where your mind startsplaying tricks.
I remember feeling this wayduring the stem cell transplant
(17:31):
season and I finally recognizedwhat it was doing to me and the
shame and the guilt and I wasn'tfeeling worthy anymore and all
that kind of stuff.
So I called my accountabilityfriends.
These are my business buddiesthat help me with my business
and Amy is a coach and Naomi isa coach and I said to them I'm
(17:54):
feeling so lonely and isolatedand I explained what I was doing
and they helped me, withoutjudgment, take small steps to
find social aspects.
Now, if you have anaccountability buddy, maybe
that's who you go to.
Maybe you look for a therapistto talk to, maybe you lean into
(18:16):
a community or a best friend.
But that's your first step.
I know I had to start.
I started having conversationswith the staff.
That's where I started, becausethey asked me what would you
want to do first?
And I'm like well, I walk inand out of the door every day to
(18:39):
bring Dennis.
I was especially the last fewweeks.
I dropped Dennis off at hisappointment.
He'd walk in, he would have toprobably get platelets and do
his stuff and I would come backand clean my room and, you know,
have my breakfast, all thatkind of stuff.
And then I'd go back and pickhim up and I started having
conversations and taking just afew minutes to stop by the front
(19:03):
desk and say, hey, how are youdoing today?
What's new today?
Because there would bedifferent volunteers.
And then, after I started, thatuncomfortableness started, you
know, getting better.
Then I started, you know,talking to other caregivers and
(19:23):
just saying, hey, how long haveyou been here?
What is your loved one goingthrough?
How are you doing?
Really, I do this on a podcast.
Why am I not doing it there?
And I started opening up alittle bit.
I started scheduling twoFaceTimes with my mom and some
(19:45):
of my friends to saying, hey,can I FaceTime you?
Well, let's schedule a day.
And I could just haveconversations.
Slowly but surely, I startedfeeling a little bit better.
I did, and so I think that youwant to think about where you're
(20:06):
at and potentially looking atthe hidden cost of your health
and well-being and what can youdo to improve it.
Now, if that person that waswriting in that Facebook group
that said none of my friendsreach out to me, or anything
(20:27):
like that, I would challenge herto go ahead and saying why do
they have to reach out to you?
Why can't you say hi to themand saying, you know, just
texting them or asking them,saying I miss you, can we
schedule a FaceTime together?
Or, you know, or looking atother alternatives to go ahead
(20:49):
and do that.
So let me go to the next pieceNow.
Now that you have understoodyour, understood the, your
isolation and looked at thehidden cost of your isolation,
now let's go into the formula togo ahead and really break free
(21:11):
of your loneliness and isolation.
First of all, you want torecognize and understand it we
just kind of talked about thatand validate your feelings
without blaming yourself andcausing yourself to beat
yourself up.
No judgment on your part and noblame.
Remind yourself that it'snormal to feel lonely sometimes
(21:35):
and you're recognizing it, soyou should be celebrating it
right now.
And then you have to acceptyour reality, understand that
while it's okay to feel isolatedand at times you're going to
have to be isolated, becausethat's what the caregiver role
is you have the power toinfluence parts of it and change
(21:58):
parts of your situation.
For example, if I had to staywith my mom and dad when they
were in hospice care and theyneeded hospice care.
Well, when there was a breakand somebody else was there, I
could change some of thatsituation walk to the mail, call
(22:20):
somebody, that sort of thing,and then, once you accept your
reality, you want to take smallsteps.
One little thing can get youstarted.
Don't create this big long listand stress yourself out and say
I'm going to do this and thisand this and this.
No, take baby steps.
One little thing.
(22:41):
Maybe it's scheduling a weeklycall with a friend or maybe it's
joining a caregiver group andit could be online if you can't
get out.
But you're starting some ofthat kind of small steps Now, if
you have the time, you couldjoin a class or you could go to
(23:05):
the gym.
Maybe it's a cooking class orit's a book club or it's a new
activity For me in Kathy's housewhen I go now at the end of
April, they have scheduledthings that you could do, not
necessarily like all the time,but they'll have a group
(23:27):
bringing in dinner for us and soif the dinner is cool, we'll
all go down there and sit andenjoy a dinner and we can talk
to other people.
Or maybe it's morning coffee.
Maybe there's a coffee clutchout there that sits and have
their morning coffee.
I'm all into that, or maybeit's, you know, bringing out my
paint and I paint by numbers.
(23:50):
Or I like to go ahead and docrafts.
Maybe I bring those to thetable and somebody wants to come
and join me.
So, whatever it would be, youcould also think about a simple
walk schedule a walk.
Perhaps you have a neighbor ora friend that needs a renewed
spark and you go for a walk AtKathy's house.
(24:12):
After I felt that isolation, Ijust started walking the halls
at night.
After dinner I said to Dennisyou know he would like you know
just to sit and watch somethingwithout me in the room with him.
I said you know what?
I'm going to go ahead and makefour or five laps through
Kathy's house and you know what?
I was able to stop and talk topeople and it wasn't long, or I
(24:36):
would be able to smile at themor whatever.
Maybe it's scheduling a coffeedate with a friend.
It could be at a coffee shop,it could be at your home and you
tell them to come on over, I'llthrow on a pot of coffee, or
you could do it virtually andsaying you know what, if you
have some time, let's schedule avirtual coffee date.
(24:58):
Chat with somebody in thewaiting room is another example.
Or the elevator.
You could chat with somebodythat way.
Just brainstorm ideas and takeone and try it.
I think that's the biggesttakeaway.
And then the big thing for youtoo, is experiment and adjust.
(25:19):
If it doesn't feel right orit's not working, then try
something else.
It's not working, then trysomething else.
Try, you know.
Be open to finding new people,new communities that understand
your unique journey.
You can go ahead and do that.
So setting you know, thinkingabout what you can do.
(25:43):
And then, when you do something, I want you to celebrate the
wins.
Write it in your gratitudejournal.
Go ahead and text me saying Idid this and I celebrate that.
Tell somebody I love doing that.
Thank you for going ahead anddoing that.
So let me share a couple ofquotes to inspire you.
If you're feeling lonely andisolated this one is from Mother
(26:06):
Teresa and it says lonelinessand the feeling of being
unwanted is the most terriblepoverty, and I want you to think
about that you can go ahead andreally think about this feeling
of being unwanted or isolateddoesn't feel well, and so if
(26:31):
you're feeling the poverty, feedit, my friend, feed it and do
something to go ahead and helpyou and bring your spirits up.
And another one from OscarWilde.
He said the smallest acts ofkindness is worth more than the
grandest intention.
And I'm talking about thesmallest act of kindness to you,
(26:54):
to yourself, is worth moregoing ahead and being kind to
yourself and doing somethingthat fills that social isolation
bucket.
And what can you do?
(27:18):
Because if you're fueling yourself-care with you're eating
well or you're exercising yourbody, don't forget about the
social aspect.
What am I doing to fill mysocial cup?
Social aspect what am I doingto fill my social cup?
Maybe it's going to church andsitting with community at church
and you have conversations whenyou walk in or conversations
when you walk out.
So think about what you doright now that could help you,
(27:41):
or what could you do that couldhelp you.
I think of ways I reached out,and one of the ways that I
reached out during that time isI texted my friends and said
this is just really simple andit's meaningful and really,
(28:02):
really impactful.
I texted my friends and said Imiss you, really, really
impactful.
I texted my friends and said Imiss you, I hate not being able
to spend time with you.
I hope we can try to figure outhow to do this.
And I said to them I'm tryingto figure out how to do this in
my situation and that just opensup the door.
(28:26):
I miss you.
I hate not being able to spendtime with you.
If you've had a friend in thepast that you've connected with
a lot and now there's a gapbecause now you're in a
different season of your lifewhere you're caregiving, let
them know you miss them.
I hate not being able to spendtime with you.
(28:48):
I'm trying to figure out how togo ahead and connect with you
again, and going back and forthmight just be the ticket for you
to feel a connection again.
And remember connection is yourlifeline.
So you could say for me, Ican't leave Milwaukee, but I
(29:10):
miss seeing you, julie, and Iwant to connect with you.
Maybe we can do a FaceTime or aZoom call or something like
that, or let's schedule a dateas soon as I get back, and
whatever it would be, you'reopening up the doors.
Okay, before I end today, I wantyou to answer a question for me
(29:33):
.
I want you to reflect on thisquestion when are you on the
loneliness and isolation scale.
It's a scale of one to five,one being I'm not isolated.
Three being somewhat isolatedand lonely.
Five being I'm extremely lonelyand isolated.
(29:57):
Are you a one, two, three, fouror five, five being extremely
isolated and lonely?
I want you to text me this whenare you at?
And if you want encouragement oryou want to go ahead and take
action and do something, tell meone step you're going to take
(30:20):
that's going to help you improveyour wellbeing.
Remember filling that socialbucket.
What are you going to do?
It could be as simple as youknow.
When I go to the doctor with myloved one today, I'm going to
talk to somebody in the waitingroom, or I'm going to have
conversation with a girl thatchecks in with me all the time
(30:44):
and just say hi, how are youdoing?
It's nice to see you againTrying to fill that social cup.
Tell me what you're doing.
Okay, to end today I just have areminder or a final statement
here.
While change might start with atiny step, it can lead to big
(31:04):
transformations over time.
We're in this together.
We all feel isolated and lonelyat times and we all get into
that rut, but what are you goingto do to shift that and take
control?
Remember, connection is yourlifeline and when you fill your
(31:27):
cup it helps your loneliness andit gets you to find more joy.
Well, until next time, myfriend.
You have a good rest of theweek.
I look forward to hearing fromyou.
Remember that text is in thelink and the email is in the
link.
Those are the two ways that Ireach out to you right now and
(31:48):
again.
We'll talk to you again nextweek.
Bye for now.
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