Emotional support isn't just something we provide as caregivers—it's often the most exhausting yet invisible part of our role. When our loved ones are in pain, frustrated, or losing hope, we become their cheerleaders, their comforters, and their gentle push to keep going, sometimes when we barely have enough emotional energy for ourselves.
This episode explores what emotional support truly looks like in caregiving relationships and how to provide it in ways that are sustainable for both you and your loved one. Drawing from my current experience supporting my husband Denis through his stem cell transplant at Froedtert Hospital, I share honest reflections on what it means to hold someone's hope while managing your own emotional wellbeing.
We unpack the many unseen roles caregivers juggle—from medical assistant to financial administrator—with special focus on being an "emotional motivator." You'll discover practical approaches for offering compassionate support without trying to fix everything, creating micro-moments of motivation when big celebrations aren't possible, and establishing simple routines that anchor both of you during chaotic times.
Most importantly, this episode gives you permission to acknowledge how exhausting emotional labor can be, even when you're "just sitting there" beside your loved one. Learn strategies for checking in with your emotional tank, protecting your energy, and showing up with genuine presence rather than forced cheerfulness.
This is part one of a two-part series on emotional support in caregiving. Next week, we'll tackle the harder questions: what to do when your loved one doesn't want motivation, how to set healthy emotional boundaries, and when to call in reinforcements for yourself.
What's one way you can offer emotional support to your loved one this week without draining your own energy? I'd love to hear your thoughts—text me and share your experience!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello my caregiver friend, and welcome to
another episode of theCaregiver Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
Before we get started today,though, I wanted to go ahead and
wish you a belated Mother's Day.
If you are a mother, a grandma,adopted mom, an aunt or any
maternal mom in any way, I wantto wish you that belated, happy
(00:24):
Mother's Day, if you're a furbaby mom or anything.
So I hope you had a good day,or I hope you had some time to
relax.
I know caregiving doesn't allowmoms or wives or any of us
women to go ahead and rest toomuch, but I hope you had a
moment or two that you could goahead and recognize yourself and
(00:47):
the contributions that you giveas a mom or a mom figure.
Well, I want to let you knowthat today's episode is going to
look a little different becausewhen I started or what started
as one episode I should say,turned into so much more the
stories I've heard this weekfrom fellow caregivers at the
(01:09):
housing place that I'm at that'scalled Kathy's House and my own
experiences with Dennis duringhis transplant opened the
floodgates on a topic that runsso deep how we, as caregivers,
keep our loved ones emotionallysupported and motivated while
not completely losing ourselvesin the process.
(01:30):
So this week will be part one,next week will be part two, and
I think both of them are goingto have significant information
for you and you're going to goahead and really get some things
out of it.
So I realize that there's justtoo much to unpack in one
setting.
So, like I said, it's going tobe a two-part setting series and
(01:53):
the series is going to becalled Lifting your Spirits
Without Losing Yourself, buteach episode will have a
specific title.
So let's talk about today.
In this episode, we're going toexplore what emotional support
really looks like for you as acaregiver.
Also how to show up withcompassion without trying to fix
(02:15):
everything, because that's whatwe like to do and simply
grounded ways to offerencouragement while caring for
our emotional energy as well.
So that's going to be this week, and then next week I'll walk
through what do you do when yourloved one doesn't want
motivation, how to set healthyemotional boundaries as a
(02:37):
caregiver, and what to do whenyour emotional support just
isn't enough and you need tocall in back up for yourself.
So, without further ado, let'sjump into part one and start by
looking at the roles we juggleas caregivers and the one that's
most invisible of all, ouremotional motivator.
(02:59):
So, like I said, this past weekI've had the honor and really
it's been really eye-opening ofconnecting with some incredible
caregivers here at Kathy's House.
Usually, how we do this it's atemporary housing and people the
average people that stay hereare caring for a loved one who's
(03:22):
going through a transplant, astroke, any type of intense
treatment, and the average stayhere at Kathy's house is 17 days
.
So people are usually here twoweeks, two like for me.
I'm here for three months, andso this temporary home for many
(03:42):
of us whose loved ones areundergoing treatment at
Freighter's Hospital, which isright across the street, in the
common spaces, like the laundryrooms or the kitchen area, or
even over cups of their lukewarmcoffee, we've shared stories
(04:03):
and tears and the unspokenunderstanding only caregivers
can truly feel.
One common thread that keptsurfacing in my conversations
with them was this heavyemotional role we play, being
the emotional support system forour loved ones.
Most of our loved ones arestaying overnight at the
(04:26):
hospital or having to travelthere every single day, and when
they're in pain, when they'redepressed, when they've lost
motivation or just sick offighting, we become their
cheerleaders, their comforters,their gentle push to keep going.
And let me tell you that rolecan be just as exhausting as
(04:53):
managing meds or doctor visits.
It can leave you questioning ifyou're saying the right things,
doing enough, or why your lovedone and encouragement still
isn't lifting their spirits.
I'm recording this on the Sundaybefore Tuesday and Dennis is
(05:13):
really struggling today and he'sbeen for the last couple of
days and I see it in others hereand, like I said, I'm living it
with Dennis, who is currentlyinpatient.
He's been inpatient since April24.
And he's not expected to getout till.
Maybe his target date is May 21.
(05:36):
And he's working through hisstem cell transplant and there
are days when his energy is solow and his spirit feels miles
away and I find myself trying topull joy out of the air,
thinking of ways to really keephim feeling just a little more
like himself.
(05:56):
But it's hard.
It's so hard to keep showing upemotionally when you're barely
holding it together yourself,showing up emotionally when
you're barely holding ittogether yourself.
Or, for me, seeing him so sickand just no energy.
I joke because I was telling myson this.
We were FaceTiming this morningand I said I told dad a story
(06:19):
this really good story aboutsomebody I met here at Kathy's
house and he fell asleep duringmy story, you know, and he just
it's like, oh okay, maybe I'llhave to share it with him later.
So if you're feeling stuckbetween trying to lift your
loved one up and just trying tostay afloat yourself, you are
(06:41):
absolutely not alone.
My friend, this episode is foryou, and what I want to talk
about first, and what I want toset the stage for first in this
episode, is the many roles as acaregiver we play.
You know, if caregiving came upwith an actual job description,
if you think about it, itwouldn't be a one-pager, it
(07:06):
would be like a book, pages andpages of things that caregivers
do, because we just don't do onejob, we do all the jobs and
really with little to noexperience.
So let me play it out for you.
And let's say we had to writeup a job description.
(07:26):
We would say caregiver wanted.
The ad would be the job titlewould be family caregiver or
spousal caregiver or whatever.
It would be.
The experience required noneTraining provided daily on the
fly, isn't that true?
We just learn as we go.
The job type would be full-time, on-call and no set hours.
(07:50):
It's not.
We have to figure it out theduties.
Think about all of the thingsthat you've done as a caregiver.
I'm just going to rattle offwhat I came up with Medical
assistant, managing meds, takingvitals, monitoring symptoms.
An advocate You're askingquestions, researching treatment
(08:11):
, attending every appointment,and I've learned so much with
him being inpatient.
All of the medical team, it'sthe CNAs, the RNs, the different
levels, dnas, the RNs, thedifferent levels.
It's the physician's assistants, the doctors, the physical
therapy, the dietitian.
(08:32):
I could go on and on.
You're also a scheduler andcoordinator, juggling doctor's
visits, lab work, follow-ups.
You're a chef and anutritionist, sometimes the
person that has to be thenutrition sheriff but you're
prepping meals, managing dietaryneeds, coaxing bites or
(08:55):
managing bites and he wanted toand we would catch him stealing
more treats or bribing people togive him a cookie, because
nobody gave him a cookie todayand that's probably his 15th one
.
We're a cleaner.
We're keeping the home safe,sanitized, changing the bedding,
(09:20):
the diapers or the unwantedaccidents.
We're the financial admin,handling insurance calls,
billing claims.
For me it's submitting grantclaims.
We do the transportationgetting to and from hospitals,
pharmacies and back again.
(09:42):
Now, depending on our loved one.
The transportation may be easyor it may be harder if they need
a wheelchair or a walker.
Then we're going into the topicwe're talking about today the
emotional support.
We're keeping our loved onehopeful and positive and engaged
(10:03):
.
And finally we're the self-caremanager.
Oh, just kidding, that onereally rarely gets done and
we're supposed to be taking careof our own personal self-care.
So that would be a jobdescription.
And here's the kicker Most ofthis work is invisible To the
(10:23):
outside world.
It might look like we're justsitting next to our loved one at
the hospital or just drivingthem to appointments.
But what they don't see iseverything we're managing inside
the mental checklist theemotional weight, the constant
adjusting of our own needs andour own schedules to meet theirs
(10:44):
constant adjusting of our ownneeds and our own schedules to
meet theirs.
And tucked inside this jobdescription, often overlooked
but deeply felt, is the role ofthe emotional motivator.
We're not just giving meds ormeals.
We're trying to give them areason to keep going.
That's a big one.
To take the next step, to finda flicker of joy, to believe
(11:08):
that hope still lives with them.
One of my favorite reminders iswe just don't hold their meds.
We often hold their hope too,and sometimes they just wait for
that.
That's why the role that weplay can feel so heavy, because
(11:30):
their emotions and when I'mtalking about their, our loved
one's emotions, fears andmotivations are so deeply
intertwined with ours.
So today I want to unpack thisemotional side of caregiving.
How do we lift up our lovedone's spirits without draining
our own?
How do we offer motivationthat's genuine and sustainable?
(11:55):
And what do we do when it's notworking?
And it's just not workinganymore?
What do we do?
So let's talk about.
When you hear the phraseemotional support, you might
picture someone holding hands oroffering comforting words.
But in caregiving, emotionalsupport becomes something much
(12:20):
deeper and more complex, and youhave to think about it.
What does it look like for youand your loved ones?
And I'll talk about this.
It looks different to everysingle one of us.
It means being the safe placeyour loved one can fall apart in
, and falling apart can meancrying, it can mean yelling, it
(12:44):
can mean getting grumpity andthe steady voice that is helping
them keep going.
So we have to do that.
It's showing up in those quietmoments, in those messy emotions
and in the fears no one elsesees.
So what does emotional supportlook like to you, my friend, in
(13:04):
your caregiving?
What does it look like?
Hmm, here are a few ways inwhich, or a few ways, it shows
up in the real life, day to day.
So I'm going to go throughthese.
Being present during hard timesis one of them.
It looks like Sometimesemotional support isn't about
(13:25):
saying anything, it's just aboutbeing there.
As Dennis goes through his stemcell transplant, there are days
I just sit next to his bed,maybe hold his hand or sometimes
he doesn't want me to eventouch him and just say I'm here.
That present alone can say morethan anything any pep talk ever
(13:49):
could Just being there.
Dennis is struggling right nowwith severe intestinal,
gastrointestinal issues.
It's so severe and it's beenlike that for a few days year,
and it's been like that for afew days, and so he doesn't have
much to talk about and he is atalker, sometimes driving me
(14:10):
crazy.
So he's been really quiet, so Ijust sit there.
Silence paired with compassionis powerful.
You don't need to fill everymoment with words to make an
impact.
You know, I just sat there, Iturned the TV down on low or I
would journal, whatever, whilehe was sleeping.
I would ask him if he neededanything and just was there.
(14:34):
So another one would beoffering words of encouragement
and I'm talking about the rightkind, because we all know that
wording is so important.
This isn't about scriptedaffirmation by all means.
It's about knowing your person,knowing your loved one.
What encouragement actuallylands for your loved one?
(14:57):
Things like I thought about trylike you're doing your best and
that's enough.
Today, if they're you know,like I just don't know if I can
do this anymore, or I don't feelgood and I'm like your body is
doing its best and you're just.
You just need to stay.
You need to just accept todayis going to be what it is.
(15:19):
You're doing your best andthat's enough.
You walk like for Dennis.
He walked.
He walked four laps in thehospital and on the hospital
floor this morning and heusually likes to do it
throughout the day, but he can'ttoday and I'm like you did your
best.
You know you ate a quarter ofthe sandwich.
That's your best today.
(15:41):
Words of encouragement is you'renot alone in this.
I'm here for you.
It's okay to feel tired.
I'm here with you, it's okay.
I said to Dennis today let yourbody heal, and sometimes the
best way your body heal is justfall asleep.
And another one is you areright where you need to be right
(16:06):
now.
I asked the doctor today, whereyou know I'm like he's
struggling with diarrhea and,and you know, just extreme
fatigue today, and the doctor'slike this is where he's going to
be and I'm like when can he seesome relief?
And it's like when his labnumbers go up, that's when he's
going to be.
(16:26):
And so this is part of theprocess.
And I said to Dennis I'm likeyou are right where you need to
be right now and I'm going to bewith you every step of the day,
knowing that this won't lastforever.
So focus on their progress, nottheir perfection.
Don't pick on them if theycan't eat or they can't drink,
(16:46):
and stay rooted in the present.
Don't say you know soon you'llbe out.
Maybe that feels like foreverto them.
It reminds me when I used torun my half marathons and people
would be on the sidelines andthey would say to me because for
me it was 13.1 miles and that0.1 mile was the hardest one,
(17:10):
and people would be like at mile10, you're almost there.
And I'm thinking to myself andI'm swearing in my head.
I'm not almost there.
I got 3.1 miles left and theseare the hardest ones as well.
Instead of saying you're doinggreat, keep it up, that's the
things that I needed, you knowkind of thing, but I mean people
(17:31):
all mean well, okay, here'sanother one to think about
Creating small moments of joy orcomfort.
Emotional support also comes inform of peace and connection
and even laughter.
Maybe think about a warmblanket that you know if that
(17:51):
brings them some comfort.
A FaceTime call from thegrandkids.
My daughter-in-law messaged metoday because our middle
daughter, ariana, had a soccergame and Dennis and I would
always go to her soccer gamesand just travel on Saturday and
go to the one-hour soccer game.
(18:12):
It was so fun just to see thekids play, and she's 12 years
old and we couldn't be there.
My daughter-in-law texted usand said are you up to watching
her soccer game?
Because we can FaceTime it, andso I asked Dennis, can we do
that?
He watched probably threequarters of it.
He slept a little bit throughit, but it just brought a little
(18:36):
bit of joy in the momentbecause he watched it and got to
see her play.
A few days ago we played a gameof checkers.
That was something, or share asilly memory and talking about,
about you know, oh, do youremember?
You know a year ago today, whatwe were doing and we can laugh
(18:56):
about it.
These small, intentional momentsprovide emotional oxygen.
Think of those.
Sometimes, joy doesn't have tofeel big to be meaningful.
Another one is helping themprocess fear and anger.
This one's tough but essential.
(19:16):
Your loved one may lash out orcry or shout at you or have an
angry outburst.
Let them honor their emotionsand try not to take them
personally and say things likethat.
That sounds really hard.
You want to talk more about it.
(19:37):
It's okay to feel angry andscared.
I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah, you can say that.
I can't imagine how frustratingthis is for you.
I mean, I think about Dennis.
He has to be in there right nowprojected 27 days, that's what
(20:00):
the projected time frame isright now and so he's about
halfway there, but he doesn'tget to see the fresh air, he
doesn't see the sunrise andsunset from his window.
He's walking the halls with thelights, he sees the nurses, he
(20:22):
sees me, he interacts on socialmedia, but that's it.
And if it's more than you cansupport alone, you know, bring
in a chaplain, talk to atherapist, someone from the care
team, and you have thatopportunity to go ahead and walk
(20:43):
the hall, maybe while they'retaking a nap, and talk to that
nurse and saying I don't knowwhat else I can do for him.
He seems really cranky or hehas these outbursts and they
help.
You understand, because theysee it every single day and they
know, like for the nurses, theyknow that, oh yeah, this is the
(21:06):
hard week, this is going tohappen the hard week.
Or, yeah, I can see what you'resaying and you can say is there
somebody or something that wecan do?
You don't have to carry thisemotional weight alone.
So remember that Maybe it'ssomething as simple too, as you,
after you leave there at theend of the day or you go for
(21:29):
your lunch break, you can goahead and send a text to maybe
your loved one's friend or acoworker and say, hey, his
spirits are really down.
You know, I would love for you.
Could you do me a favor?
And you know, send him a noteabout what's happening at work,
(21:52):
or give him a call or ask him ifhe wants to chat to get their
mind off of something.
That always is a help thing,and another one here is letting
go of toxic positivity.
This is a big one.
As caregivers, we want to saythings that make them feel
better, but blanket statementslike just stay positive or
(22:17):
everything happens for a reasoncan feel dismissive.
When your loved one is in pain,just like you're almost there
that one for me, just it's likenails on a chalkboard.
Instead, acknowledge the hardstuff yeah, this sucks.
I wish I could take it all awayfrom you.
Or if they say I'll never getbetter, ask the doctor for a
(22:44):
reality check.
For example, when Dennis saidthat his medicine team helped.
When Dennis said this, hismedicine or medical team helped
reframe the situation.
Actually, where you're at isthe expected for this stage,
like this morning and I'mfumbling with my words here, but
(23:06):
this morning I knew that Dennisis getting frustrated with his
gastrointestinal stuff, and so Iasked the doctor today, you
know, when do we see relief fromthis, or when will Dennis see
relief from this?
And he said, as his numbersimprove, this is going to go
(23:27):
away.
And so that real truth then isgrounded and not a forced
cheerfulness from me because Idon't know the answer.
So think about what they'resaying and how frustrated they
might be.
Dennis has to get these shotsto promote his white blood cell
(23:48):
count, and so every time he seesthe shot, you can see that he's
just cringing and frustrated,and so you can just say just
take it, dennis, you're going toget through this, no kind of
get some grounded informationabout it.
(24:09):
How much longer does he have totake this?
And as his white blood cellcounts improve, I can say well,
your white blood cell countswent up five last night, which
means that we're getting closernow.
And so we talk about that andwe talk about the facts.
And the last one in this section.
(24:30):
I'm trying to think what wewere talking, how I framed this
one here once, the last one thatwhen we're showing up and
offering support, another onemight be normalize the emotional
roller coaster for you and yourloved one.
Caregiving will stretch everyemotion you have for sure.
(24:55):
We know that you might feelhopeless one minute and helpless
the next minute, same for yourloved one.
What helps me is journalingEach morning.
I write down the facts, what'shappening medically.
I write down my feelingswithout judgment.
I write down one thing I'mgrateful for it's grounding me,
(25:19):
and so it helps me separate thetruth from my fears.
So you are allowed to haveemotions and that's an important
piece as well.
So when you're thinking aboutnormalizing your emotional
roller coaster, you want to goahead and be aware of them and
(25:39):
don't sweep them underneath therug.
Maybe you're journaling todayabout you know, you're probably
feeling the same thing as yourloved one.
For me personally, two days ago,in my head and I had to go
ahead and try to walk intoDennis's room without showing
(26:03):
those down emotions, I was likeI don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
This is so.
It's like it felt like everyday I was getting up and it was
Groundhog's Day.
I get up, I would do the washusually his soiled wash from the
hospital, and I would do thatin the morning, go for my
(26:25):
morning walk, take my shower,eat my breakfast and walk over
there and sit for five to eighthours.
I didn't want to do thisanymore, but I know he needs the
emotional support and I had tojournal it out.
I had to journal out the facts.
(26:46):
Yeah, you don't want to do this.
It sucks.
It's like sometimes when youhave to go into work and your,
your work is not any fun, youknow, or you have to do
something you don't like.
Those are the facts, and I'mI'm feeling it because I miss
him with me, I miss our home, Imiss the dogs.
(27:10):
I just want him to be better.
You know that kind of thing.
But then I focused on what I'mgrateful for.
I have a wonderful support teamat home taking care of
everything for us, and peopleare filling in and doing their
part.
He has a wonderful medical teamand, in the long run, he's
going to be better, he's goingto feel better.
(27:34):
So emotional support, though,isn't about being the perfect
cheerleader, because we aren't.
It's about being the steady,compassionate presence your
loved one can count on, evenwhen things feel dark.
And remember you are doingemotional labor every day.
This takes strength, love andcourage.
(27:59):
Most people don't even see it'sexhausting too.
So when you are providingemotional support, recognize
that you're going to be tired.
I said to myself when I wasjournaling why am I so flipping
tired?
Because I walk, I'm eatinghealthy, I'm taking my breaks
(28:23):
while he's in the hospital byeither walking the halls or, you
know, taking a little jauntaway.
So I get away, but I leavethere like I got hit by a Mack
truck.
But emotional labor isexhausting and it takes strength
and love and courage, like Isaid, that most people don't see
(28:45):
.
So how do you offer healthy?
So how do you offer healthy,grounded, emotional support?
That's what I want to talkabout next.
So, now that we know emotionalsupport is more than
cheerleading, like I said, howdo you actually give it in a way
that's compassionate, realisticand sustainable for your loved
(29:05):
one and you?
You know your loved one, youknow what they need.
But when you follow some ofthese how-tos that I'm going to
give you, I think this is goingto give you some suggestions.
Now.
Your loved one could be in thehospital, they could be home,
they could be sitting andgetting treatment, they could be
(29:26):
in an easy season or in a roughseason.
You still provide that support.
So let's walk through somepowerful ways you can support
your loved one emotionallywithout sacrificing your own
energy and well-being.
First of all, the first one Ihave is validate, don't rescue.
(29:46):
And what I mean by this is, ascaregivers, our instinct is to
fix things right.
We want to make it better, wewant to find solutions and cheer
them on or cheer them on, butsometimes the best gift we can
give is simply validating whatthey're feeling, really what
(30:06):
they're feeling.
I know this is really hardright now.
You might say I'm here with you.
You know we don't know whattomorrow is going to bring, but
let's just embrace today.
It's okay.
And you can say it's okay tofeel frustrated.
You're not alone.
I love you.
You know when they're in painyou want to take their pain away
(30:31):
and you might take advocatemeasures to talk to people about
it and ask questions about it.
But you might have to say Ican't take this pain away
emotionally, physically,whatever, but I can sit with you
in it.
Whatever, but I can sit withyou in it.
(30:58):
It's not about having theanswers, what I want to say to
you.
It's about making space for theemotions.
Another one is to create micromoments of motivation.
We kind of talked about thisone a little bit already.
But motivation doesn't have tobe big and loud.
You don't have to be going inthere and being this cheerleader
and this happy Kathy orwhatever.
(31:18):
Sometimes it can be a card,sometimes it can be a call,
sometimes it can be sharing, agame of checkers.
Like I said, these littlesparks add up.
It can be like for me I bringDennis over a little snack or he
(31:39):
likes bubblers, so I bring himover a bubbler.
So when he was feeling well, hecouldn't wait for me to bring
over a bubbler.
Wait for me to bring over abubbler, you know.
So it could be just having thatsnack.
In our case, I asked my Facebookcommunity, or the Facebook
community that we created forDennis.
(31:59):
I asked them to send cardswhile he's in the hospital.
I actually put the address outthere right away and the
outpouring of love has made adifference in his spirit.
I also encourage our family andfriends to text and to call him
when he's feeling down.
(32:20):
I might personally textsomebody to say hey, I need your
help.
Can you go ahead, like for myboys, send them pictures of the
grandkids or the fur babies?
So that would be a good one.
Sorry, I had to just grab alittle bit of water here.
(32:42):
Dennis didn't like to play games.
He hates to play games.
But on Thursday I brought himover a box of checkers and I'm
like we're going to play one.
And on Thursday I brought himover a box of checkers and I'm
like we're going to play one,and he laughed because I kicked
his butt in checkers.
But that little bit of boost, Ithink just brought him a little
bit of joy.
Another one that I want toshare with you is the nurses all
(33:06):
know on that floor that Dennisis a huge Survivor fan, just a
huge Survivor fan, and everytime he'd walk the hall they
would talk Survivor with him.
And he's not feeling good thelast couple days.
So they put a Survivor and ifyou don't know Survivor, it was
the game that they played lastweek on Survivor, where they had
(33:29):
to put up some blocks and makea word up there and somebody
misspelled some of the wordingand they made this Survivor
puzzle outside of his door andthey asked him to come out and
look at it.
And he looked at it and he waslaughing and smiling.
And they say they have somemore things up his sleeve, or up
(33:51):
their sleeve to go ahead and do.
Another one.
Number three is check in withyour emotional tank.
You can't pour from an emptycup and you shouldn't try Each
morning.
Like I said.
What I want to get out of herefirst of all is how are you
going to fill your cup?
Because each morning I walk twolaps around the block here
(34:15):
before heading to the hospital.
It's not just about theexercise, it's more about my
mindset, resetting my mindset,and so whatever I listen to has
to go ahead and get me in theright mindset.
It prepares me when I walk toDennis's room and I find clarity
(34:39):
and calmness when I walk in.
Maybe for you it might bejournaling.
I saw some ladies sitting in thedining room area this morning.
I knew either they havesomebody in their room that
they're caregiving for orthey're off to the hospital, but
they were eating theirbreakfast.
One person was reading theirbook, one person was doing like
(35:03):
a crossword puzzle.
One person was calling a friend, one person was calling a
friend.
So, whatever it would be, maybeyou go ahead and meditate and
pray, think of yourself, do this, think of yourself like you're
a performer on a tour.
And when you think aboutmusicians that go on tour, they
(35:27):
go on tour and their tours arethree months, four months,
sometimes even a year, and theytravel from place to place and
they do the same routine or actor whatever they do, and they
have to go ahead and be asdynamic and energetic and on as
(35:52):
they need to be each and everytime, even when they're not
feeling their best or they'reexhausted, or they're going to
perform the same song for the50th time in the last month,
whatever it would be.
You've got to refuel so you canshow up and shine again.
(36:12):
And so they all.
If you ever follow musicians,they all have routines.
They get their sleep, they goahead and watch their nutrition.
A lot of them have workoutroutines, a lot of them have
family members or they dosomething so that they can go
ahead and recharge.
(36:34):
Number four is use gentleencouragement, not pressure.
Not every day is a rah-rah kindof day.
Sometimes your loved one justneeds a soft nudge and you don't
want to let them know thatyou're doing it as much as you
(36:54):
want to kind of just think about.
Maybe you want to just changeit up a little bit.
Let's walk to the window todaytogether.
Maybe you have the ability,want to go sit outside for a few
minutes and we'll make surethat you're out of the sun and
there's no wind and we'll bringa blanket and let's just sit
outside for a little bit.
(37:15):
You know, let's hang up for,like Dennis, let's hang up
family photos to brighten theroom.
Or our little Kurt, our littlegrandson.
I asked him to gather some ofhis artwork and we hung those up
on his windows in his room.
These little nudges honor wherethey are and help them keep
(37:37):
moving forward.
And so we might have to pullout some creative things and I
want you to think about what areyour little nudges, so that
your loved one has just a littlebit of different scenery, a
little bit of a different maybegetting them active a little bit
, maybe a little bit different.
(37:57):
Maybe you make them somethingspecial to eat so that brings
their mood up, or maybe you turnoff the TV and say let's listen
to a little bit of music,whatever it would be.
Number five is establish simpleroutines for both of you.
When things feel chaotic, likeI said last week I talked about,
(38:19):
routines can be an anchor.
Right now, my routine includesa quiet hour for myself in the
morning, a quiet hour for myselfin the morning, followed by
time with Dennis watching a fewshows.
I can't tell you how manymovies we've watched.
We watched the Mule with ClintEastwood the other day I saw it
(38:40):
already, but it was justsomething we both could talk
about.
We walked the hospital hallsand being present for doctor
visits, being able to hearthings that, when your loved
one's not feeling well, you canhear and you can ask those
questions.
But in the evening now too, Ifocus on rest and recharging.
(39:02):
And what is that?
What is that for me?
I've still been playing withthis.
I don't know what this lookslike yet for me, because I have
a hard time unwinding.
When I was at home, it would begardening or it, you know, it
would be sitting out on my patio.
(39:23):
So I have to figure that outyet for me, and I'm working on
trying different things.
But routines don't have to berigid.
They don't have to be.
I have to do this and I have todo that.
Maybe, like mornings is my timeto prep and it's quiet time for
me and I'm filling my cup, andthen at the end of the day,
(39:43):
maybe it's recharging or maybeit's talking that's your time to
talk with a friend, or whatever.
I find my evenings right nowwith him being in the hospital,
emotional and I'm like I couldcry at the drop of a pin, and so
I have to find things that Ican go ahead and release those
(40:06):
emotions in a healthy way beforeI go to bed.
So, okay, number six and thisis the final one of the how-tos
is keep the connection going,even from afar.
Each night, dennis and I can actover FaceTime because the
hospital visiting hours at 7.30,there's like the announcements
(40:27):
like here at school visitinghours are going to be.
There's like the announcementslike here at school visiting
hours are going to be over inless than 30 minutes.
Please pack up your things andsay goodbye to your loved ones.
They need to have a goodnight's sleep.
Blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
They announced that.
So I connect with Dennis afterthat and sometimes it's
lighthearted, like talking aboutthe kids or laughing about
(40:49):
something from earlier in theday when he was feeling better.
Oh, my gosh, I shouldn't be sosassy, but I'm going to be a
little sassy.
He would complain about thefood service and the food at the
hospital.
He would always have a story,but then I would laugh and like,
yeah, when you're out of here,you should write a book about
(41:09):
the food at the hospital, youknow, and so being able to go
ahead and do that.
But I could catch him up too onwhat things were happening at
home.
Or did you see the picture thatso-and-so sent you?
Other times it's deeper, likediscussing his symptoms and how
he's feeling emotionally aboutit.
(41:30):
And I said to him the other day.
It's okay if you cry.
It's okay if you just want tojust be so frustrated, but just
remember there's going to belight at the end of the tunnel
soon.
We're going to get through this.
You know that kind of thingthing.
Last night I reminded him of hisgoal discharge day.
(41:52):
The week of his birthday isdischarge day, and I said it's
almost here.
I said keep your eye on thegoal.
Your comfort, comfy chair atkathy's house is waiting for you
at Kathy's house is waiting foryou.
(42:14):
One day down means one daycloser.
I said he likes havingsomething to aim for and that's
kind of what he likes.
I've learned how powerful thatkind of encouragement for him is
.
Now, if that was my mom, thatwouldn't be a motivator for her.
My mom, that wouldn't be amotivator for her.
That wouldn't be.
And so I'd have to think ofdifferent ways to motivate her,
(42:35):
because my mom, she always looksat the glass half empty.
And so I would have to find away to say okay, what are we
going to do tomorrow when I comeup there?
What do you want me to bring?
What do you want to do when Icome up there?
I'd have to motivate her onlooking forward to tomorrow, but
motivation can be as simple asreminding them that there's a
(42:58):
future to look forward to.
So just remember that it couldbe saying okay, your show is
going to be on in 10 minutes andyou watch the show and I'm
going to call you afterwards andwe're going to talk about it.
You know that kind of thing.
So the final thought of thispiece of this part one episode
(43:21):
is healthy.
Emotional support means showingup.
It means gently nudging themforward on occasions.
It means protecting your ownenergy so that you can keep
going on.
It doesn't mean that you haveto be this perky little
cheerleader walking in every day.
It's not about doing it all.
(43:41):
It's about doing what you canwith love, intention and
presence, and sometimes it'sjust being there, sometimes it's
just showing up.
So let's pause here because Iwant to give you space to
reflect on everything we'vecovered today before I get into
(44:02):
the second part.
Caregiving isn't just aboutmedications and appointments and
logistics.
It's about deeply emotionalwork.
You're holding space forsomeone you love.
You're showing up in ways thatyou don't get praised for or
noticed for.
I've had a pity party by sayingnobody ever understands what
(44:25):
I'm going through here.
I mean, I get those pityparties, but you're offering
steady support when they feelunsteady, when your loved one
feels unsteady, and doing itwhile managing your own stress,
your own fears and your ownexhaustion.
That takes so much strength andI want you to recognize that In
(44:51):
next week's episode, which isthe part two piece, we'll talk
about the really hard moments,because it's not all peaches and
cream.
When your loved one doesn't wantto be motivated, what do you do
?
When you feel like youremotional support just isn't
working, what do you do and howdo you protect your heart and
(45:12):
your energy with healthy, lovingboundaries?
So for now, I want to leave youwith a reflection question and
I'm going to encourage you totake the time to journal this
out and, if you want, to send mea text on this, but what's one
way you can offer emotionalsupport to your loved one this
(45:34):
week?
I want you to think about it.
One way you can offer emotionalsupport to your loved one this
week without draining your ownenergy tank.
What's one way you can do it?
I want you to take some timeand journal this or text me and
share, and I can share that asthe opening to next week.
(45:55):
So my last words today, myfriend, is you're not alone in
this.
You may feel it sometimes, butjust remember, you're not alone
in this.
You are doing sacred work, youare doing hard work and I'm here
experiencing it beside you, andthat's what we have in common.
(46:16):
So take care, my friend, andremember, fill your cup first
and don't forget to text me.
I would love to hear from you.
So until next time, my friend.
Bye for now.
Well, hello my caregiver friend, and welcome to
another episode of theCaregiver Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
Before we get started today,though, I wanted to go ahead and
wish you a belated Mother's Day.
If you are a mother, a grandma,adopted mom, an aunt or any
maternal mom in any way, I wantto wish you that belated, happy
(00:24):
Mother's Day, if you're a furbaby mom or anything.
So I hope you had a good day,or I hope you had some time to
relax.
I know caregiving doesn't allowmoms or wives or any of us
women to go ahead and rest toomuch, but I hope you had a
moment or two that you could goahead and recognize yourself and
(00:47):
the contributions that you giveas a mom or a mom figure.
Well, I want to let you knowthat today's episode is going to
look a little different becausewhen I started or what started
as one episode I should say,turned into so much more the
stories I've heard this weekfrom fellow caregivers at the
(01:09):
housing place that I'm at that'scalled Kathy's House and my own
experiences with Dennis duringhis transplant opened the
floodgates on a topic that runsso deep how we, as caregivers,
keep our loved ones emotionallysupported and motivated while
not completely losing ourselvesin the process.
(01:30):
So this week will be part one,next week will be part two, and
I think both of them are goingto have significant information
for you and you're going to goahead and really get some things
out of it.
So I realize that there's justtoo much to unpack in one
setting.
So, like I said, it's going tobe a two-part setting series and
(01:53):
the series is going to becalled Lifting your Spirits
Without Losing Yourself, buteach episode will have a
specific title.
So let's talk about today.
In this episode, we're going toexplore what emotional support
really looks like for you as acaregiver.
Also how to show up withcompassion without trying to fix
(02:15):
everything, because that's whatwe like to do and simply
grounded ways to offerencouragement while caring for
our emotional energy as well.
So that's going to be this week, and then next week I'll walk
through what do you do when yourloved one doesn't want
motivation, how to set healthyemotional boundaries as a
(02:37):
caregiver, and what to do whenyour emotional support just
isn't enough and you need tocall in back up for yourself.
So, without further ado, let'sjump into part one and start by
looking at the roles we juggleas caregivers and the one that's
most invisible of all, ouremotional motivator.
(02:59):
So, like I said, this past weekI've had the honor and really
it's been really eye-opening ofconnecting with some incredible
caregivers here at Kathy's House.
Usually, how we do this it's atemporary housing and people the
average people that stay hereare caring for a loved one who's
(03:22):
going through a transplant, astroke, any type of intense
treatment, and the average stayhere at Kathy's house is 17 days
.
So people are usually here twoweeks, two like for me.
I'm here for three months, andso this temporary home for many
(03:42):
of us whose loved ones areundergoing treatment at
Freighter's Hospital, which isright across the street, in the
common spaces, like the laundryrooms or the kitchen area, or
even over cups of their lukewarmcoffee, we've shared stories
(04:03):
and tears and the unspokenunderstanding only caregivers
can truly feel.
One common thread that keptsurfacing in my conversations
with them was this heavyemotional role we play, being
the emotional support system forour loved ones.
Most of our loved ones arestaying overnight at the
(04:26):
hospital or having to travelthere every single day, and when
they're in pain, when they'redepressed, when they've lost
motivation or just sick offighting, we become their
cheerleaders, their comforters,their gentle push to keep going.
And let me tell you that rolecan be just as exhausting as
(04:53):
managing meds or doctor visits.
It can leave you questioning ifyou're saying the right things,
doing enough, or why your lovedone and encouragement still
isn't lifting their spirits.
I'm recording this on the Sundaybefore Tuesday and Dennis is
(05:13):
really struggling today and he'sbeen for the last couple of
days and I see it in others hereand, like I said, I'm living it
with Dennis, who is currentlyinpatient.
He's been inpatient since April24.
And he's not expected to getout till.
Maybe his target date is May 21.
(05:36):
And he's working through hisstem cell transplant and there
are days when his energy is solow and his spirit feels miles
away and I find myself trying topull joy out of the air,
thinking of ways to really keephim feeling just a little more
like himself.
(05:56):
But it's hard.
It's so hard to keep showing upemotionally when you're barely
holding it together yourself,showing up emotionally when
you're barely holding ittogether yourself.
Or, for me, seeing him so sickand just no energy.
I joke because I was telling myson this.
We were FaceTiming this morningand I said I told dad a story
(06:19):
this really good story aboutsomebody I met here at Kathy's
house and he fell asleep duringmy story, you know, and he just
it's like, oh okay, maybe I'llhave to share it with him later.
So if you're feeling stuckbetween trying to lift your
loved one up and just trying tostay afloat yourself, you are
(06:41):
absolutely not alone.
My friend, this episode is foryou, and what I want to talk
about first, and what I want toset the stage for first in this
episode, is the many roles as acaregiver we play.
You know, if caregiving came upwith an actual job description,
if you think about it, itwouldn't be a one-pager, it
(07:06):
would be like a book, pages andpages of things that caregivers
do, because we just don't do onejob, we do all the jobs and
really with little to noexperience.
So let me play it out for you.
And let's say we had to writeup a job description.
(07:26):
We would say caregiver wanted.
The ad would be the job titlewould be family caregiver or
spousal caregiver or whatever.
It would be.
The experience required noneTraining provided daily on the
fly, isn't that true?
We just learn as we go.
The job type would be full-time, on-call and no set hours.
(07:50):
It's not.
We have to figure it out theduties.
Think about all of the thingsthat you've done as a caregiver.
I'm just going to rattle offwhat I came up with Medical
assistant, managing meds, takingvitals, monitoring symptoms.
An advocate You're askingquestions, researching treatment
(08:11):
, attending every appointment,and I've learned so much with
him being inpatient.
All of the medical team, it'sthe CNAs, the RNs, the different
levels, dnas, the RNs, thedifferent levels.
It's the physician's assistants, the doctors, the physical
therapy, the dietitian.
(08:32):
I could go on and on.
You're also a scheduler andcoordinator, juggling doctor's
visits, lab work, follow-ups.
You're a chef and anutritionist, sometimes the
person that has to be thenutrition sheriff but you're
prepping meals, managing dietaryneeds, coaxing bites or
(08:55):
managing bites and he wanted toand we would catch him stealing
more treats or bribing people togive him a cookie, because
nobody gave him a cookie todayand that's probably his 15th one
.
We're a cleaner.
We're keeping the home safe,sanitized, changing the bedding,
(09:20):
the diapers or the unwantedaccidents.
We're the financial admin,handling insurance calls,
billing claims.
For me it's submitting grantclaims.
We do the transportationgetting to and from hospitals,
pharmacies and back again.
(09:42):
Now, depending on our loved one.
The transportation may be easyor it may be harder if they need
a wheelchair or a walker.
Then we're going into the topicwe're talking about today the
emotional support.
We're keeping our loved onehopeful and positive and engaged
(10:03):
.
And finally we're the self-caremanager.
Oh, just kidding, that onereally rarely gets done and
we're supposed to be taking careof our own personal self-care.
So that would be a jobdescription.
And here's the kicker Most ofthis work is invisible To the
(10:23):
outside world.
It might look like we're justsitting next to our loved one at
the hospital or just drivingthem to appointments.
But what they don't see iseverything we're managing inside
the mental checklist theemotional weight, the constant
adjusting of our own needs andour own schedules to meet theirs
(10:44):
constant adjusting of our ownneeds and our own schedules to
meet theirs.
And tucked inside this jobdescription, often overlooked
but deeply felt, is the role ofthe emotional motivator.
We're not just giving meds ormeals.
We're trying to give them areason to keep going.
That's a big one.
To take the next step, to finda flicker of joy, to believe
(11:08):
that hope still lives with them.
One of my favorite reminders iswe just don't hold their meds.
We often hold their hope too,and sometimes they just wait for
that.
That's why the role that weplay can feel so heavy, because
(11:30):
their emotions and when I'mtalking about their, our loved
one's emotions, fears andmotivations are so deeply
intertwined with ours.
So today I want to unpack thisemotional side of caregiving.
How do we lift up our lovedone's spirits without draining
our own?
How do we offer motivationthat's genuine and sustainable?
(11:55):
And what do we do when it's notworking?
And it's just not workinganymore?
What do we do?
So let's talk about.
When you hear the phraseemotional support, you might
picture someone holding hands oroffering comforting words.
But in caregiving, emotionalsupport becomes something much
(12:20):
deeper and more complex, and youhave to think about it.
What does it look like for youand your loved ones?
And I'll talk about this.
It looks different to everysingle one of us.
It means being the safe placeyour loved one can fall apart in
, and falling apart can meancrying, it can mean yelling, it
(12:44):
can mean getting grumpity andthe steady voice that is helping
them keep going.
So we have to do that.
It's showing up in those quietmoments, in those messy emotions
and in the fears no one elsesees.
So what does emotional supportlook like to you, my friend, in
(13:04):
your caregiving?
What does it look like?
Hmm, here are a few ways inwhich, or a few ways, it shows
up in the real life, day to day.
So I'm going to go throughthese.
Being present during hard timesis one of them.
It looks like Sometimesemotional support isn't about
(13:25):
saying anything, it's just aboutbeing there.
As Dennis goes through his stemcell transplant, there are days
I just sit next to his bed,maybe hold his hand or sometimes
he doesn't want me to eventouch him and just say I'm here.
That present alone can say morethan anything any pep talk ever
(13:49):
could Just being there.
Dennis is struggling right nowwith severe intestinal,
gastrointestinal issues.
It's so severe and it's beenlike that for a few days year,
and it's been like that for afew days, and so he doesn't have
much to talk about and he is atalker, sometimes driving me
(14:10):
crazy.
So he's been really quiet, so Ijust sit there.
Silence paired with compassionis powerful.
You don't need to fill everymoment with words to make an
impact.
You know, I just sat there, Iturned the TV down on low or I
would journal, whatever, whilehe was sleeping.
I would ask him if he neededanything and just was there.
(14:34):
So another one would beoffering words of encouragement
and I'm talking about the rightkind, because we all know that
wording is so important.
This isn't about scriptedaffirmation by all means.
It's about knowing your person,knowing your loved one.
What encouragement actuallylands for your loved one?
(14:57):
Things like I thought about trylike you're doing your best and
that's enough.
Today, if they're you know,like I just don't know if I can
do this anymore, or I don't feelgood and I'm like your body is
doing its best and you're just.
You just need to stay.
You need to just accept todayis going to be what it is.
(15:19):
You're doing your best andthat's enough.
You walk like for Dennis.
He walked.
He walked four laps in thehospital and on the hospital
floor this morning and heusually likes to do it
throughout the day, but he can'ttoday and I'm like you did your
best.
You know you ate a quarter ofthe sandwich.
That's your best today.
(15:41):
Words of encouragement is you'renot alone in this.
I'm here for you.
It's okay to feel tired.
I'm here with you, it's okay.
I said to Dennis today let yourbody heal, and sometimes the
best way your body heal is justfall asleep.
And another one is you areright where you need to be right
(16:06):
now.
I asked the doctor today, whereyou know I'm like he's
struggling with diarrhea and,and you know, just extreme
fatigue today, and the doctor'slike this is where he's going to
be and I'm like when can he seesome relief?
And it's like when his labnumbers go up, that's when he's
going to be.
(16:26):
And so this is part of theprocess.
And I said to Dennis I'm likeyou are right where you need to
be right now and I'm going to bewith you every step of the day,
knowing that this won't lastforever.
So focus on their progress, nottheir perfection.
Don't pick on them if theycan't eat or they can't drink,
(16:46):
and stay rooted in the present.
Don't say you know soon you'llbe out.
Maybe that feels like foreverto them.
It reminds me when I used torun my half marathons and people
would be on the sidelines andthey would say to me because for
me it was 13.1 miles and that0.1 mile was the hardest one,
(17:10):
and people would be like at mile10, you're almost there.
And I'm thinking to myself andI'm swearing in my head.
I'm not almost there.
I got 3.1 miles left and theseare the hardest ones as well.
Instead of saying you're doinggreat, keep it up, that's the
things that I needed, you knowkind of thing, but I mean people
(17:31):
all mean well, okay, here'sanother one to think about
Creating small moments of joy orcomfort.
Emotional support also comes inform of peace and connection
and even laughter.
Maybe think about a warmblanket that you know if that
(17:51):
brings them some comfort.
A FaceTime call from thegrandkids.
My daughter-in-law messaged metoday because our middle
daughter, ariana, had a soccergame and Dennis and I would
always go to her soccer gamesand just travel on Saturday and
go to the one-hour soccer game.
(18:12):
It was so fun just to see thekids play, and she's 12 years
old and we couldn't be there.
My daughter-in-law texted usand said are you up to watching
her soccer game?
Because we can FaceTime it, andso I asked Dennis, can we do
that?
He watched probably threequarters of it.
He slept a little bit throughit, but it just brought a little
(18:36):
bit of joy in the momentbecause he watched it and got to
see her play.
A few days ago we played a gameof checkers.
That was something, or share asilly memory and talking about,
about you know, oh, do youremember?
You know a year ago today, whatwe were doing and we can laugh
(18:56):
about it.
These small, intentional momentsprovide emotional oxygen.
Think of those.
Sometimes, joy doesn't have tofeel big to be meaningful.
Another one is helping themprocess fear and anger.
This one's tough but essential.
(19:16):
Your loved one may lash out orcry or shout at you or have an
angry outburst.
Let them honor their emotionsand try not to take them
personally and say things likethat.
That sounds really hard.
You want to talk more about it.
(19:37):
It's okay to feel angry andscared.
I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah, you can say that.
I can't imagine how frustratingthis is for you.
I mean, I think about Dennis.
He has to be in there right nowprojected 27 days, that's what
(20:00):
the projected time frame isright now and so he's about
halfway there, but he doesn'tget to see the fresh air, he
doesn't see the sunrise andsunset from his window.
He's walking the halls with thelights, he sees the nurses, he
(20:22):
sees me, he interacts on socialmedia, but that's it.
And if it's more than you cansupport alone, you know, bring
in a chaplain, talk to atherapist, someone from the care
team, and you have thatopportunity to go ahead and walk
(20:43):
the hall, maybe while they'retaking a nap, and talk to that
nurse and saying I don't knowwhat else I can do for him.
He seems really cranky or hehas these outbursts and they
help.
You understand, because theysee it every single day and they
know, like for the nurses, theyknow that, oh yeah, this is the
(21:06):
hard week, this is going tohappen the hard week.
Or, yeah, I can see what you'resaying and you can say is there
somebody or something that wecan do?
You don't have to carry thisemotional weight alone.
So remember that Maybe it'ssomething as simple too, as you,
after you leave there at theend of the day or you go for
(21:29):
your lunch break, you can goahead and send a text to maybe
your loved one's friend or acoworker and say, hey, his
spirits are really down.
You know, I would love for you.
Could you do me a favor?
And you know, send him a noteabout what's happening at work,
(21:52):
or give him a call or ask him ifhe wants to chat to get their
mind off of something.
That always is a help thing,and another one here is letting
go of toxic positivity.
This is a big one.
As caregivers, we want to saythings that make them feel
better, but blanket statementslike just stay positive or
(22:17):
everything happens for a reasoncan feel dismissive.
When your loved one is in pain,just like you're almost there
that one for me, just it's likenails on a chalkboard.
Instead, acknowledge the hardstuff yeah, this sucks.
I wish I could take it all awayfrom you.
Or if they say I'll never getbetter, ask the doctor for a
(22:44):
reality check.
For example, when Dennis saidthat his medicine team helped.
When Dennis said this, hismedicine or medical team helped
reframe the situation.
Actually, where you're at isthe expected for this stage,
like this morning and I'mfumbling with my words here, but
(23:06):
this morning I knew that Dennisis getting frustrated with his
gastrointestinal stuff, and so Iasked the doctor today, you
know, when do we see relief fromthis, or when will Dennis see
relief from this?
And he said, as his numbersimprove, this is going to go
(23:27):
away.
And so that real truth then isgrounded and not a forced
cheerfulness from me because Idon't know the answer.
So think about what they'resaying and how frustrated they
might be.
Dennis has to get these shotsto promote his white blood cell
(23:48):
count, and so every time he seesthe shot, you can see that he's
just cringing and frustrated,and so you can just say just
take it, dennis, you're going toget through this, no kind of
get some grounded informationabout it.
(24:09):
How much longer does he have totake this?
And as his white blood cellcounts improve, I can say well,
your white blood cell countswent up five last night, which
means that we're getting closernow.
And so we talk about that andwe talk about the facts.
And the last one in this section.
(24:30):
I'm trying to think what wewere talking, how I framed this
one here once, the last one thatwhen we're showing up and
offering support, another onemight be normalize the emotional
roller coaster for you and yourloved one.
Caregiving will stretch everyemotion you have for sure.
(24:55):
We know that you might feelhopeless one minute and helpless
the next minute, same for yourloved one.
What helps me is journalingEach morning.
I write down the facts, what'shappening medically.
I write down my feelingswithout judgment.
I write down one thing I'mgrateful for it's grounding me,
(25:19):
and so it helps me separate thetruth from my fears.
So you are allowed to haveemotions and that's an important
piece as well.
So when you're thinking aboutnormalizing your emotional
roller coaster, you want to goahead and be aware of them and
(25:39):
don't sweep them underneath therug.
Maybe you're journaling todayabout you know, you're probably
feeling the same thing as yourloved one.
For me personally, two days ago,in my head and I had to go
ahead and try to walk intoDennis's room without showing
(26:03):
those down emotions, I was likeI don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
This is so.
It's like it felt like everyday I was getting up and it was
Groundhog's Day.
I get up, I would do the washusually his soiled wash from the
hospital, and I would do thatin the morning, go for my
(26:25):
morning walk, take my shower,eat my breakfast and walk over
there and sit for five to eighthours.
I didn't want to do thisanymore, but I know he needs the
emotional support and I had tojournal it out.
I had to journal out the facts.
(26:46):
Yeah, you don't want to do this.
It sucks.
It's like sometimes when youhave to go into work and your,
your work is not any fun, youknow, or you have to do
something you don't like.
Those are the facts, and I'mI'm feeling it because I miss
him with me, I miss our home, Imiss the dogs.
(27:10):
I just want him to be better.
You know that kind of thing.
But then I focused on what I'mgrateful for.
I have a wonderful support teamat home taking care of
everything for us, and peopleare filling in and doing their
part.
He has a wonderful medical teamand, in the long run, he's
going to be better, he's goingto feel better.
(27:34):
So emotional support, though,isn't about being the perfect
cheerleader, because we aren't.
It's about being the steady,compassionate presence your
loved one can count on, evenwhen things feel dark.
And remember you are doingemotional labor every day.
This takes strength, love andcourage.
(27:59):
Most people don't even see it'sexhausting too.
So when you are providingemotional support, recognize
that you're going to be tired.
I said to myself when I wasjournaling why am I so flipping
tired?
Because I walk, I'm eatinghealthy, I'm taking my breaks
(28:23):
while he's in the hospital byeither walking the halls or, you
know, taking a little jauntaway.
So I get away, but I leavethere like I got hit by a Mack
truck.
But emotional labor isexhausting and it takes strength
and love and courage, like Isaid, that most people don't see
(28:45):
.
So how do you offer healthy?
So how do you offer healthy,grounded, emotional support?
That's what I want to talkabout next.
So, now that we know emotionalsupport is more than
cheerleading, like I said, howdo you actually give it in a way
that's compassionate, realisticand sustainable for your loved
(29:05):
one and you?
You know your loved one, youknow what they need.
But when you follow some ofthese how-tos that I'm going to
give you, I think this is goingto give you some suggestions.
Now.
Your loved one could be in thehospital, they could be home,
they could be sitting andgetting treatment, they could be
(29:26):
in an easy season or in a roughseason.
You still provide that support.
So let's walk through somepowerful ways you can support
your loved one emotionallywithout sacrificing your own
energy and well-being.
First of all, the first one Ihave is validate, don't rescue.
(29:46):
And what I mean by this is, ascaregivers, our instinct is to
fix things right.
We want to make it better, wewant to find solutions and cheer
them on or cheer them on, butsometimes the best gift we can
give is simply validating whatthey're feeling, really what
(30:06):
they're feeling.
I know this is really hardright now.
You might say I'm here with you.
You know we don't know whattomorrow is going to bring, but
let's just embrace today.
It's okay.
And you can say it's okay tofeel frustrated.
You're not alone.
I love you.
You know when they're in painyou want to take their pain away
(30:31):
and you might take advocatemeasures to talk to people about
it and ask questions about it.
But you might have to say Ican't take this pain away
emotionally, physically,whatever, but I can sit with you
in it.
Whatever, but I can sit withyou in it.
(30:58):
It's not about having theanswers, what I want to say to
you.
It's about making space for theemotions.
Another one is to create micromoments of motivation.
We kind of talked about thisone a little bit already.
But motivation doesn't have tobe big and loud.
You don't have to be going inthere and being this cheerleader
and this happy Kathy orwhatever.
(31:18):
Sometimes it can be a card,sometimes it can be a call,
sometimes it can be sharing, agame of checkers.
Like I said, these littlesparks add up.
It can be like for me I bringDennis over a little snack or he
(31:39):
likes bubblers, so I bring himover a bubbler.
So when he was feeling well, hecouldn't wait for me to bring
over a bubbler.
Wait for me to bring over abubbler, you know.
So it could be just having thatsnack.
In our case, I asked my Facebookcommunity, or the Facebook
community that we created forDennis.
(31:59):
I asked them to send cardswhile he's in the hospital.
I actually put the address outthere right away and the
outpouring of love has made adifference in his spirit.
I also encourage our family andfriends to text and to call him
when he's feeling down.
(32:20):
I might personally textsomebody to say hey, I need your
help.
Can you go ahead, like for myboys, send them pictures of the
grandkids or the fur babies?
So that would be a good one.
Sorry, I had to just grab alittle bit of water here.
(32:42):
Dennis didn't like to play games.
He hates to play games.
But on Thursday I brought himover a box of checkers and I'm
like we're going to play one.
And on Thursday I brought himover a box of checkers and I'm
like we're going to play one,and he laughed because I kicked
his butt in checkers.
But that little bit of boost, Ithink just brought him a little
bit of joy.
Another one that I want toshare with you is the nurses all
(33:06):
know on that floor that Dennisis a huge Survivor fan, just a
huge Survivor fan, and everytime he'd walk the hall they
would talk Survivor with him.
And he's not feeling good thelast couple days.
So they put a Survivor and ifyou don't know Survivor, it was
the game that they played lastweek on Survivor, where they had
(33:29):
to put up some blocks and makea word up there and somebody
misspelled some of the wordingand they made this Survivor
puzzle outside of his door andthey asked him to come out and
look at it.
And he looked at it and he waslaughing and smiling.
And they say they have somemore things up his sleeve, or up
(33:51):
their sleeve to go ahead and do.
Another one.
Number three is check in withyour emotional tank.
You can't pour from an emptycup and you shouldn't try Each
morning.
Like I said.
What I want to get out of herefirst of all is how are you
going to fill your cup?
Because each morning I walk twolaps around the block here
(34:15):
before heading to the hospital.
It's not just about theexercise, it's more about my
mindset, resetting my mindset,and so whatever I listen to has
to go ahead and get me in theright mindset.
It prepares me when I walk toDennis's room and I find clarity
(34:39):
and calmness when I walk in.
Maybe for you it might bejournaling.
I saw some ladies sitting in thedining room area this morning.
I knew either they havesomebody in their room that
they're caregiving for orthey're off to the hospital, but
they were eating theirbreakfast.
One person was reading theirbook, one person was doing like
(35:03):
a crossword puzzle.
One person was calling a friend, one person was calling a
friend.
So, whatever it would be, maybeyou go ahead and meditate and
pray, think of yourself, do this, think of yourself like you're
a performer on a tour.
And when you think aboutmusicians that go on tour, they
(35:27):
go on tour and their tours arethree months, four months,
sometimes even a year, and theytravel from place to place and
they do the same routine or actor whatever they do, and they
have to go ahead and be asdynamic and energetic and on as
(35:52):
they need to be each and everytime, even when they're not
feeling their best or they'reexhausted, or they're going to
perform the same song for the50th time in the last month,
whatever it would be.
You've got to refuel so you canshow up and shine again.
(36:12):
And so they all.
If you ever follow musicians,they all have routines.
They get their sleep, they goahead and watch their nutrition.
A lot of them have workoutroutines, a lot of them have
family members or they dosomething so that they can go
ahead and recharge.
(36:34):
Number four is use gentleencouragement, not pressure.
Not every day is a rah-rah kindof day.
Sometimes your loved one justneeds a soft nudge and you don't
want to let them know thatyou're doing it as much as you
(36:54):
want to kind of just think about.
Maybe you want to just changeit up a little bit.
Let's walk to the window todaytogether.
Maybe you have the ability,want to go sit outside for a few
minutes and we'll make surethat you're out of the sun and
there's no wind and we'll bringa blanket and let's just sit
outside for a little bit.
(37:15):
You know, let's hang up for,like Dennis, let's hang up
family photos to brighten theroom.
Or our little Kurt, our littlegrandson.
I asked him to gather some ofhis artwork and we hung those up
on his windows in his room.
These little nudges honor wherethey are and help them keep
(37:37):
moving forward.
And so we might have to pullout some creative things and I
want you to think about what areyour little nudges, so that
your loved one has just a littlebit of different scenery, a
little bit of a different maybegetting them active a little bit
, maybe a little bit different.
(37:57):
Maybe you make them somethingspecial to eat so that brings
their mood up, or maybe you turnoff the TV and say let's listen
to a little bit of music,whatever it would be.
Number five is establish simpleroutines for both of you.
When things feel chaotic, likeI said last week I talked about,
(38:19):
routines can be an anchor.
Right now, my routine includesa quiet hour for myself in the
morning, a quiet hour for myselfin the morning, followed by
time with Dennis watching a fewshows.
I can't tell you how manymovies we've watched.
We watched the Mule with ClintEastwood the other day I saw it
(38:40):
already, but it was justsomething we both could talk
about.
We walked the hospital hallsand being present for doctor
visits, being able to hearthings that, when your loved
one's not feeling well, you canhear and you can ask those
questions.
But in the evening now too, Ifocus on rest and recharging.
(39:02):
And what is that?
What is that for me?
I've still been playing withthis.
I don't know what this lookslike yet for me, because I have
a hard time unwinding.
When I was at home, it would begardening or it, you know, it
would be sitting out on my patio.
(39:23):
So I have to figure that outyet for me, and I'm working on
trying different things.
But routines don't have to berigid.
They don't have to be.
I have to do this and I have todo that.
Maybe, like mornings is my timeto prep and it's quiet time for
me and I'm filling my cup, andthen at the end of the day,
(39:43):
maybe it's recharging or maybeit's talking that's your time to
talk with a friend, or whatever.
I find my evenings right nowwith him being in the hospital,
emotional and I'm like I couldcry at the drop of a pin, and so
I have to find things that Ican go ahead and release those
(40:06):
emotions in a healthy way beforeI go to bed.
So, okay, number six and thisis the final one of the how-tos
is keep the connection going,even from afar.
Each night, dennis and I can actover FaceTime because the
hospital visiting hours at 7.30,there's like the announcements
(40:27):
like here at school visitinghours are going to be.
There's like the announcementslike here at school visiting
hours are going to be over inless than 30 minutes.
Please pack up your things andsay goodbye to your loved ones.
They need to have a goodnight's sleep.
Blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
They announced that.
So I connect with Dennis afterthat and sometimes it's
lighthearted, like talking aboutthe kids or laughing about
(40:49):
something from earlier in theday when he was feeling better.
Oh, my gosh, I shouldn't be sosassy, but I'm going to be a
little sassy.
He would complain about thefood service and the food at the
hospital.
He would always have a story,but then I would laugh and like,
yeah, when you're out of here,you should write a book about
(41:09):
the food at the hospital, youknow, and so being able to go
ahead and do that.
But I could catch him up too onwhat things were happening at
home.
Or did you see the picture thatso-and-so sent you?
Other times it's deeper, likediscussing his symptoms and how
he's feeling emotionally aboutit.
(41:30):
And I said to him the other day.
It's okay if you cry.
It's okay if you just want tojust be so frustrated, but just
remember there's going to belight at the end of the tunnel
soon.
We're going to get through this.
You know that kind of thingthing.
Last night I reminded him of hisgoal discharge day.
(41:52):
The week of his birthday isdischarge day, and I said it's
almost here.
I said keep your eye on thegoal.
Your comfort, comfy chair atkathy's house is waiting for you
at Kathy's house is waiting foryou.
(42:14):
One day down means one daycloser.
I said he likes havingsomething to aim for and that's
kind of what he likes.
I've learned how powerful thatkind of encouragement for him is
.
Now, if that was my mom, thatwouldn't be a motivator for her.
My mom, that wouldn't be amotivator for her.
That wouldn't be.
And so I'd have to think ofdifferent ways to motivate her,
(42:35):
because my mom, she always looksat the glass half empty.
And so I would have to find away to say okay, what are we
going to do tomorrow when I comeup there?
What do you want me to bring?
What do you want to do when Icome up there?
I'd have to motivate her onlooking forward to tomorrow, but
motivation can be as simple asreminding them that there's a
(42:58):
future to look forward to.
So just remember that it couldbe saying okay, your show is
going to be on in 10 minutes andyou watch the show and I'm
going to call you afterwards andwe're going to talk about it.
You know that kind of thing.
So the final thought of thispiece of this part one episode
(43:21):
is healthy.
Emotional support means showingup.
It means gently nudging themforward on occasions.
It means protecting your ownenergy so that you can keep
going on.
It doesn't mean that you haveto be this perky little
cheerleader walking in every day.
It's not about doing it all.
(43:41):
It's about doing what you canwith love, intention and
presence, and sometimes it'sjust being there, sometimes it's
just showing up.
So let's pause here because Iwant to give you space to
reflect on everything we'vecovered today before I get into
(44:02):
the second part.
Caregiving isn't just aboutmedications and appointments and
logistics.
It's about deeply emotionalwork.
You're holding space forsomeone you love.
You're showing up in ways thatyou don't get praised for or
noticed for.
I've had a pity party by sayingnobody ever understands what
(44:25):
I'm going through here.
I mean, I get those pityparties, but you're offering
steady support when they feelunsteady, when your loved one
feels unsteady, and doing itwhile managing your own stress,
your own fears and your ownexhaustion.
That takes so much strength andI want you to recognize that In
(44:51):
next week's episode, which isthe part two piece, we'll talk
about the really hard moments,because it's not all peaches and
cream.
When your loved one doesn't wantto be motivated, what do you do
?
When you feel like youremotional support just isn't
working, what do you do and howdo you protect your heart and
(45:12):
your energy with healthy, lovingboundaries?
So for now, I want to leave youwith a reflection question and
I'm going to encourage you totake the time to journal this
out and, if you want, to send mea text on this, but what's one
way you can offer emotionalsupport to your loved one this
(45:34):
week?
I want you to think about it.
One way you can offer emotionalsupport to your loved one this
week without draining your ownenergy tank.
What's one way you can do it?
I want you to take some timeand journal this or text me and
share, and I can share that asthe opening to next week.
(45:55):
So my last words today, myfriend, is you're not alone in
this.
You may feel it sometimes, butjust remember, you're not alone
in this.
You are doing sacred work, youare doing hard work and I'm here
experiencing it beside you, andthat's what we have in common.
(46:16):
So take care, my friend, andremember, fill your cup first
and don't forget to text me.
I would love to hear from you.
So until next time, my friend.
Bye for now.
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