June 3, 2025 • 50 mins
Fear, worry, and uncertainty often feel like unwelcome yet permanent companions on the caregiving journey. After receiving a heartfelt message from a listener worried about her husband's upcoming bone marrow transplant, I knew this topic needed addressing – not just for her, but for all of us navigating these turbulent emotional waters.
These powerful emotions aren't signs of weakness or failure. They're natural human responses that actually demonstrate how deeply you care for your loved one. The fear of medical unknowns, the worry about what recovery might look like, and the overwhelming sense that no one truly understands what you're going through – these universal caregiver experiences deserve acknowledgment and compassionate attention.
Drawing from my own experiences with my husband Denis's ongoing stem cell transplant journey, I share how quickly the mind can spiral from a minor medical hiccup to worst-case scenarios. This mental pattern isn't unusual; it's your brain's misguided attempt to protect you. The key isn't eliminating these emotions (impossible!) but learning to work with them through practical techniques like mindfulness exercises, creating small pockets of routine, focusing on what you can control, journaling to externalize racing thoughts, and practicing radical self-compassion.
Perhaps most critically, no caregiver should shoulder this emotional burden alone. Whether it's family members taking shifts with your loved one, friends handling practical matters at home, or connecting with fellow caregivers who truly understand your experience, building your support network isn't optional – it's essential. I've learned to be specific about what support looks like for me: not problem-solving but simply listening and asking thoughtful questions.
Remember this: you're making a profound difference every single day, even when you don't feel particularly strong or capable. Your presence matters immensely to your loved one. Take each day one step at a time, fill your own cup when possible, and know that your fear doesn't diminish your strength – it simply reveals the depth of your love.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello my friend and welcome to the Caregiver
Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
I am so glad you're listeningtoday.
This episode today is inspiredby a text message I received
that I know you can empathizewith, relate to and maybe even
be experiencing right now.
You know what it is.
It's all about fear or worry,or uncertainty, or all of the
(00:21):
above.
It's all about fear or worry,or uncertainty, or all of the
above.
I personally want to thank thisperson for sending in this
message and if you have a textmessage you want to send, just
go to the show notes and you'regoing to see text, kathy, and
you can click on that and sendme a message.
Here's the message.
It says Hi, kathy, my husbandis also about to go to get a
(00:44):
bone marrow transplant.
He is 35 years old and I am 30.
I am really struggling withthis and feel alone and really
like I'm losing hope.
Sometimes I am scared of howhard the transplant will be.
You that my heart goes out toyou, but also I want to commend
you for your self-awareness.
(01:06):
Not many of us caregiversrecognize and admit our current
situation, our thoughts and ourfeelings.
Also, it is very common forcaregivers to feel overwhelmed
when their loved one is about togo through something as intense
as a bone marrow transplant.
It is a huge process.
There are many unknowns andyour family and friends really
(01:30):
don't understand your thoughtsand feelings totally and the
role of the caregiver.
So today I want to share myjourney and experiences and how
I managed fear, worry anduncertainty during challenging
caregiver moments and really howI'm experiencing them again
right now, and hopefully by mesharing some of this, it will
(01:54):
help the person that sent inthis text and all of us
listening today.
So let's dive in a bit deepernow to why these emotions of
fear, worry and uncertainty comeup in the first place.
I think we can all agree thatthey're a natural part of
caregiving experiences, but ithelps to understand why they
(02:17):
arise and then, once we canunderstand the whys, we can get
into it a little bit deeper.
First, at the core of it.
A lot of these feelings arerooted in the unknowns.
When you're facing somethinglike a bone marrow transplant,
something so big andlife-altering, it's only human
to fear what's ahead.
You might be worried about yourloved one's safety or their
(02:41):
health, about how their bodywill react, or even about what
life will be like on the otherside of the procedure, and even
me, I experienced that when wedrove down.
I'm thinking okay, what is itgoing to be like to drive home
when this is all done?
(03:01):
The fear of the unknown is ahuge source of stress for
caregiver.
And, first of all, it'scompletely valid.
The uncertainty that surroundsus only intensifies the fear.
As caregivers, we often havevery little control over the
medical outcomes.
Sure, we can manageappointments and offer support
(03:23):
and stay as present as possible,but when it comes to the actual
recovery or how a procedurewill unfold, we have no way of
knowing what will happen next,and the lack of control can
leave us feeling helpless andincrease the worry even more.
And just as a side note to theperson listening to, when you
(03:47):
see your loved one lookingdifferent or feeling different,
it sends a flag in your head andyou start to worry and fear
even more.
And so I'm just giving you thatheads up that sometimes the
outlook of something justtriggers it.
(04:07):
So now let's talk about commontriggers for these feelings.
First, there's the obviousanticipating medical procedures,
no matter what the procedure is, when your loved one is about
to undergo a major medicaltreatment, like a bone marrow
transplant, a surgery, whateverchemotherapy, whatever it is,
(04:29):
the fear of the unknown growsexponentially.
You may be constantly wonderinghow the procedure will affect
them, how their body will handleit, what recovery will look
like.
It's normal to have thatuncertainty.
It's the part of the process,but it doesn't make it easier to
(04:51):
navigate.
Then there's the emotional andphysical toll.
Caregiving takes on you, thecaregiver.
Sometimes we forget that we arealso deeply impacted by the
process between managing thelogistics of appointments,
taking on emotional weight ofsupporting your loved one and
(05:11):
juggling your own life.
It's exhausting.
It can take a huge toll on yourmental health, your emotional
health, your physical health,really your overall well-being.
This all adds to the fear andworry, because now not only are
you concerned about your lovedone, but you're also feeling the
strain of doing everythingyourself.
(05:33):
And I laugh today because lifeis just kind of it kind of
crumbled today and I'm worryingabout my home life and the silly
air conditioning and all thesekind of things.
And I think this next trigger issomething that's hard for
people to talk about and that'sa feeling of isolation.
(05:57):
It's easy to feel alone in thisjourney, even when you're
surrounded by tons of people,especially when no one around
you fully understands whatyou're going through.
They can say things like takecare of yourself, and you're
like, okay, yeah, how do you dothat Really when I'm trying to
take care of myself physically?
(06:18):
But these mental things aregetting in my way and it's
normal.
Sometimes it feels like no onecan truly grasp the weight of
what caregiving really involves.
You might feel like you'reholding it all together, but in
the quiet moments it can be sooverwhelming.
You may want to reach out tosomeone, but you don't know who
(06:38):
to turn to, or maybe they justdon't get it in the way you need
them to.
For me, especially duringDennis's transplant, I really
felt the weight of fear anduncertainty.
It's good to be informed and anadvocate it really is.
But knowledge can also amplifythe worry and I'm going to just
(07:08):
kind of explain that.
Most caregivers now have accessat an instant to apps and
information online, like theirlab results, the doctor's notes,
and for me, I love that becauseI can go in and see what his
platelet counts are, his whiteblood cell counts are his weight
, is his blood pressure, is whatthe doctor's prescribing.
But when you get into it somuch, and what happens then is.
(07:34):
You start obsessing over it,thinking, oh my gosh, his count
went down again, or this one'stoo high.
And then you start, for me,down again, or this one's too
high.
And then you start, for me, Istart obsessing over it, and the
uncertainty and the worrybecome paralyzing and you start
thinking, oh my God, what ifthis happens?
(07:54):
What if it's affecting theirliver now and their liver's
impacted by it?
And so, for me, I've had tolearn to say, okay, I understand
what the facts are.
Now I need to ask questionsversus asking AI or Google and
(08:15):
seeing what the worst are.
But all of these triggers thatwe have, whether they're the
good or the bad or the ugly, allof these triggers fear of the
unknown, the emotional toll andthe isolation are incredibly
common.
And I want to tell you you'renot alone in feeling them as
caregivers.
We all feel them.
It's important to acknowledgethem so we can start to move
(08:37):
forward and manage them, and I'mgoing to get into some examples
today, and I've had to do thismyself and I'll get into it in
just a bit a little deeper.
But I've had to ask myself whatis the truth?
Is it, you know, like if I wasGoogling?
You know, his uric acid was outof control and I'm concerned
(09:00):
that it's going to affect hiskidneys Well.
And so I start obsessing aboutthat versus.
Is it truly true?
Is it just a fluke that azuricacid is off, or can they adjust
some other medication and itgets back on normal?
I have to pull myself out ofthat frightful worrying.
(09:21):
So let's talk about now, aboutidentifying these emotions of
fear, worry and uncertainty, andlet's dive into the fact that
we want to embrace them, and whyand I want to start by
validating something reallyimportant it's absolutely okay
to feel scared, worried anduncertain, especially when
(09:44):
you're a caregiver.
These emotions are normal humanresponses and they are a sign
that you care deeply about yourloved one, and so I want you to
go ahead and not obsess that ohmy God, I'm just a worry or all
that.
I want you to embrace it first.
In fact, as I read through themessage from one of our
(10:07):
listeners that I just readremember the one I just read I
couldn't help but feel a senseof gratitude for her courage in
being self-aware, and I'massuming it's a she, so if it's
a he, I apologize, but remembershe said I'm struggling with
this and feel alone and I'mlosing hope.
(10:27):
Sometimes I'm scared of howhard the transplant will be,
(10:47):
that you are self-aware and Iwant to say thank you for
sending this.
First of all, I truly commendyou for being so open, aware of
the emotions.
Like I said, so many caregiverssuppress these feelings or feel
guilty about them, but byacknowledging them, you're
taking the first important steptowards managing them.
You are doing exactly what youneed to do right now,
(11:08):
recognizing the fear anduncertainty that they're part of
this journey, not something tohide from.
You definitely have a right tobe nervous and fearful and
worried, and Dennis and I myhusband Dennis and I we've had a
lot of discussions about thisand saying, yeah, we're both
(11:31):
worried about it, and then wetalk through those.
Now here's the thing when youtry to push those feelings aside
or suppress them, they don'tjust disappear.
In fact, they often growstronger.
For me, during Dennis'stransplant, I found myself going
into this busy mode and stayingso busy, keeping myself
(11:53):
constantly occupied, whether itwas keeping up with medical
details, running errands orsimply being on the go.
It was my way of suppressing myfear sometimes.
But guess what?
All that does is make the fear.
All that does is just keepingthat.
And that fear didn't go away.
(12:16):
In fact, it just made me feelmore disconnected from my
feelings and eventually it camerushing back in more intense
ways.
And so I learned the hard waythat I can't ignore these
emotions and the flip side.
It's kind of like ateeter-totter.
You know how the teeter-tottergoes up and down on each side.
(12:37):
You can't ignore them, but youcan't obsess over them.
Either you have to find thatbalance or else, if you do, they
amplify.
So here's my advice I want toshare Opening up about your
emotions, even when they seemoverwhelming, can help you just
stay grounded.
It's not easy, and in thoseearly days of caregiving I
(13:02):
didn't always know how toexpress my fear.
But when I did take a moment tosit with myself and acknowledge
them and how scared I was, itgave me a sense of clarity and I
looked at the positive side ofokay, I'm nervous and I'm scared
for myself, but also for myloved one, and I had to embrace
(13:27):
that in supporting Dennis butalso taking care of myself as
well, because I couldn't letthat let me hit rock bottom.
I couldn't let that be my onlyemotions and thoughts.
So I just needed a little waterhere.
(13:47):
I want to encourage you to stopfeeling guilty about your fear.
First of all, you're not weak.
You're definitely not failingyour loved one.
Feeling scared doesn't meanyou're not strong.
It's part of the process.
Embracing those feelingsinstead of running from them
helps you process them.
(14:08):
A good way to process for me isjournaling them out, and
journaling out my fears and whyI feel this way, and then
sometimes I will even go as faras is it truth or is it not true
?
You know, because sometimes Iwould obsess so much over the
worry I'm worried that he's notgoing to ever go home.
(14:30):
Well, I don't know that it'sprobably a lie.
He's going to get to go home.
Obviously, some things maydelay it, but there's going to
be some things we're going to beable to celebrate.
So to anyone listening today,especially that person that sent
in the text who might feel likethe weight of the emotion is
(14:53):
impacting them, remember it'sokay to feel the way you do.
It doesn't take away from yourstrength.
It simply makes you human.
And if you talk to somebody andyou tell them you're so worried
and they said stop worrying,then that's not the right person
to talk to.
That person should let youacknowledge the worry and then
(15:13):
talk about it, and talk aboutwhat's a good thing to worry
about and what's something.
Maybe you should put the worrydial on low.
You're doing your best andthat's okay, so I wanted you to
do that.
So let's talk aboutunderstanding fear and worry a
little bit more.
Let's take a moment to reallyunderstand the impact that fear
(15:37):
and worry can have on you as acaregiver Really one of the
biggest challenges I see and weface in this fear, or this cloud
of fear and judgment.
When we're overwhelmed, it canbecome hard to see through
clearly.
Think of it as a cloudy fearand most of the best decisions
(15:58):
for our loved one and forourselves.
So our minds can start tospiral ourselves.
So our minds can start tospiral and instead of being
present in the moment, we end upconsumed with the what ifs and
the worst case scenarios.
Oh my gosh.
I was there again this morning.
Dennis went to his weeklycheckup and he had his labs and
(16:20):
he had his physician's assistantappointment and his diarrhea
and GI problems are not goingaway and she had said that she
needs to talk to our doctor, whois traveling today but we'll be
back tomorrow.
But she said, if I can get himon the phone today, we're going
(16:40):
to go ahead and talk more.
But theyaring or their thinkingthat it's either the medication
one of his meds is causing theallergic reaction of all the
diarrhea or he has GVHD and inorder to do that they're going
to have to do a colonoscopy.
(17:01):
And in order to expedite thecolonoscopy he has to go back
inpatient.
Well, first of all, let's getthrough the first step, kathy of
let's get off the meds and seeif the multiple bouts of
diarrhea go away right, and then, if that doesn't go away, then
(17:23):
he has to go inpatient forcolonoscopy.
Versus me, I was already atinpatient GVHD and the stem cell
transplants of failure and Iwas in that spiral within five
minutes.
Within five minutes.
So I think it's normal humanresponse.
(17:48):
Our brain's trying to protectus, but it's a normal human
response At that moment.
Think about it.
What if the transplant didn'twork?
What if I lose him?
That might be another one?
What will I do without him?
We get those fears and we getthose worries right away.
(18:12):
I started researching hospitalsright away when I heard this.
I started researching drugs.
I started researching othertreatments, anything to try and
prepare myself for the worst.
And it's like why am I doingthis?
Why does my brain automaticallygo that way?
(18:33):
But it is, it's normal.
And let me tell you, my mindwas completely out of control.
I wasn't being rational.
I was being consumed by fear ofan outcome that wasn't even
reality.
It may be something, but Idon't think we're ready to go
there yet.
What I had to do in my situationwas what we need to do when we
(19:00):
find ourselves overthinking ispull it back.
Pull it back.
And it reminds me of a smokerwanting to have a cigarette and
that hit of that nicotine thatthey want is there.
And I had to stop myself andask is leaning all the way to
(19:21):
the worst case scenario.
The truth, and is this helpfulfor me right now?
And the answer was no.
It wasn't true.
We don't even know the causeyet and it definitely wasn't
healthy for me.
I have to be patient and followthe steps.
I had to bring myself back tothe present and saying, okay,
(19:44):
we're going to get off the medsfor a couple of days and track
the diarrhea and if it'simproving, then it's the
medicine, because he's takinglike four pills.
I don't even know what themilligrams are, but he's taking
four pills in the morning andfour pills in the evening, and
(20:04):
so it's not like it's just a onepill thing.
It's a massive dose in themorning and a massive dose in
the afternoon, and if there's anallergic reaction, well yeah,
it's going to get into your bodysystem and be constant all the
time.
So, instead of doing that thisis something I have had to learn
over time but my mind continuesto go there.
(20:28):
I have to just accept my mindwill go there, but I have to go
ahead and tell myself.
Fear often wants to protect you.
It tries to prepare you for theworst, but it is not actually
helping you cope with thepresent situation.
It can distract you from what'struly happening.
(20:48):
Anybody that I talk to, I tellthem this.
I tell them my brain willautomatically do this.
So this is what I need you todo to say Kathy, is this truly
true?
What are the steps before that?
Before you let your mind gothere and it can cloud my
judgment, it can make it harderto take rational steps forward
(21:11):
and it whacks out I don't knowhow else to say it, it whacks
out my nervous system.
It just whacks it out the keyto recognizing fear, like I said
, is a natural response.
It's a response to your love,to caring so deeply about
someone that the thought oflosing them or not being able to
protect them feels like anunbearable weight.
(21:33):
In my case, I love Dennis somuch that my mind wanted to
anticipate every possiblenegative outcome in an effort to
protect him and myself.
But the truth is, the kind ofoverthinking wasn't helping me
and it wasn't helping Denniseither.
We'll take this one step at atime.
(21:56):
Let's not jump to the worstpossible scenario.
Instead, know the worstpossible scenario Instead.
Fear can be a reminder of thestrength of your bond with your
loved one.
It shows just how deeply youcare.
But it also is important toacknowledge when the fear starts
to take over in an unhealthyway.
(22:16):
When we get caught up in it, welose sight of what's happening
right in front of us and westart making decisions based on
what we fear rather than whatactually are true.
Think about it as a new mom,and a new mom is worried their
toddler might run into thestreet, and so they get this
(22:40):
fear so early and they'resitting in their driveway and
the child's doing chalk on thedriveway, or they may be playing
with a toy and the mom is soparalyzed that they don't even
want their child in the frontyard because they're afraid of
(23:02):
what that outcome could be whentheir child hasn't even gotten
close to the street.
It's almost like that theydon't even want their child
outside because they're fearfulof it and it's robbing her of
the joy of the moments.
So I want you to take a momentto reflect.
When you start feelingoverwhelmed by fear, ask
yourself this is this fear basedon the reality of my situation
(23:27):
or am I getting caught up in aworst case scenario that hasn't
even happened yet?
You know, dennis's doctor inGreen Bay, dr Godham, said to me
when I was worried about thisnext step and we weren't even
driving down for his stem celltransplant.
(23:48):
He said when fear hits, I wantyou to hold your heart and trust
in God.
Don't let your mind race.
You just have to trust theprocess one step at a time.
You just have to trust theprocess one step at a time, and
that hit home for me and maybeit'll hit home for you.
(24:08):
Okay, let's talk about nowmanaging fear, worry and
uncertainty.
As caregivers, we know all toowell that the stress is a
constant companion.
It's our pocket buddy, it's ourstress on the shoulder,
(24:28):
whatever you want to call it.
In tough and challengingseasons, especially when it
feels like everything isspiraling out of control, it can
be really hard to manage thatstress.
The truth is, you can't get ridof the stress and those
overwhelming feelings,especially in a challenging
situation or a challengingseason.
They're going to show up andthey're going to keep coming.
(24:51):
I'm sorry, that's usually whathappens, but here's what I've
learned over time.
It's not about eliminating youremotions.
It's about working with themand working with them and not
sweeping them underneath the rug, not letting them bubble up
altogether, but just workingthrough them.
(25:13):
When I was deep in the trenchesand I still am with Dennis's
transplant journey, I've alwaystried to push away the stress,
the fear and the worry.
I can do this, we'll getthrough this, but that didn't
work.
In fact, it just makeseverything feel bigger and
harder, because if you just keeppushing it back, it's
(25:36):
eventually going to all comeforward.
What helped me?
Learning to work with my stressand not against it?
I had to experiment withdifferent techniques in finding
what's worked for me in thosehigh stress moments, and I want
to encourage you to do the same.
What I'm trying to get at isone size doesn't fit all, so if
(25:57):
I tell you, oh yeah, I pray andI journal, that might not work
for everybody, but I'm going togive you some examples and some
practices that you're going towant to see what works and then
which ones work, keep them attop of mind and start trying
(26:17):
different things.
Now, one thing that you want tothink about is mindfulness and
grounding techniques Things thatyou can do just in time, or
things that you want to thinkabout is mindfulness and
grounding techniques things thatyou can do just in time, or
things that you can do after arough period or before something
stressful happens.
Mindfulness was one of thetools that really has helped me.
(26:39):
It's about being present andpaying attention to the moment,
even when your mind wants to runaway with fear and worry.
Let's say, you go into thehospital or you go into his
appointment and you see thathe's really really sick, and you
can see that because Dennislooks a little bit yellow or
(27:02):
gray, that because Dennis looksa little bit yellow or gray, and
when you see him sleeping andhis body tried to heal, it
doesn't make you feel reallygood, but you want to think
about.
Mindfulness helps you slow downthat mental spiral that your
brain wants to go through andpulls you back to the now.
They are, excuse me, they aresimple techniques you can try,
(27:27):
like right away.
One is deep breathing.
A few slow, deep breaths canreset your nervous system,
especially when you heard badnews or especially when you're
waiting on results or it's beena really rough day.
You can do it in the car, youcan do it sitting down, you can
(27:49):
do it while you're taking ashower, you can do it anywhere,
and it helps you calm down instressful moments.
So, taking a deep breath inholding it and then take blowing
out the breath, it's a quickway to regain your sense of
control and that might help you.
Another one is to take I callit, a body scan.
(28:12):
You lay down I usually lay downon a yoga mat or laying down on
a bed and you focus on theparts of your body starting from
your toes and going up to yourhead.
When you're laying down, I feelmy feet, I feel my shins, I
feel my calves, my knees,whatever, and you work your way
(28:33):
up the body and this helps youtune into your physical
sensations of your body and itreleases built up tension.
Another one is focusing on thesenses.
Pause and really notice whatyou see, what you hear, what you
smell, and focusing on all ofthose.
(28:55):
This can ground you in yourmind from wandering in
overwhelming situations.
I've done this where I went fora walk, like I had to just get
out of the hospital room or getout of our hospital housing and
I'd go for a walk.
But focus on something.
(29:17):
Look for hearts Maybe there'sheart-shaped leaves or look at
the rocks on the ground.
Or look at the clouds and seeif it's a cloudy day.
Look and see if you can see anypictures in the clouds or
formations in the clouds, ormaybe you smell the fresh air or
(29:37):
listen for the birds, whatever.
Focus on a sense that will helpyou.
And then I talked about walking, but mindful walking.
It can really help.
Taking a short walk andfocusing on your steps.
With each step, remind yourselfyou're right here right now.
You're doing the best you canand focusing on that.
(30:01):
So that's mindfulness.
Another one is creating a dailyroutine.
Depending on your season, thisroutine is going to look
different.
When everything feels uncertain, having a routine can create
some stability.
It doesn't have to be a rigidschedule, but small, manageable
(30:22):
tasks each day can make adifference.
For example, start your daywith a morning practice, setting
aside a time where you walk, oryou take a few minutes to
journal or do some self-care.
Maybe you get up and youstretch and drink a glass of
water before you start this hardday, or you just check in with
(30:45):
a support system.
Maybe you have a friend thatyou can.
While you're putting on yourmakeup or brushing your teeth or
whatever you're doing in themorning, you talk to somebody in
the morning.
These things add up when lifefeels like it's spinning.
Routine brings a sense of order.
Or maybe it's your nighttimeroutine, maybe, where you do
(31:08):
something so that you can winddown, so that you don't let your
mind go.
Maybe you journal gratitudebefore you go to bed, or maybe
you listen to some soothingmusic or do meditation.
Just try a small pocket anddon't make it something that you
don't need another thing onyour to-do list but just
(31:28):
something you can do.
Another practice is focusing onwhat you can control.
This is a good one, because youcan do this during your walk,
you can do this in yourjournaling, but a big part of
managing stress is shifting yourfocus away from what's out of
control.
It's so easy to get stuck inthe unknowns, especially when
(31:49):
you're waiting on your loved oneto go through something complex
such as a bone marrowtransplant.
By focusing on what you cancontrol is key.
For me, it was staying focusedon the daily tasks that were in
hand Supporting Dennis in hisrecovery.
Right now he's doing smalllittle walks around the Kathy's
(32:12):
House hospital house that we'reat, and so I'm making sure that
he's taking small little walksor making sure that he's
drinking his water.
It could be keeping in touchwith a support network.
It all helped me regain a senseof agency or control too, and
(32:33):
when I'm focusing on somethingout of my control, it's almost
like I have to just stop,acknowledge it and say, nope,
I'm only going to focus on whatI need to control.
It almost reminds me of youcould even do this.
You could draw a circle on yourpiece of paper and the things
within your control are in theinside of the circle.
(32:54):
The things on the outside ofyour control are the things that
you can't control, or outsideof the circle of things you can
control, and what you could dois you could take a scissors and
then cut the circle and theoutside would be stuff you would
toss away Just thinking aboutthat.
Another one I just talked aboutis journaling and
(33:15):
self-reflecting.
Writing down your thoughts andyour feelings can really help
you release some of the anxietythat builds up, getting them out
of your head.
Journaling often offers a spaceto process your emotions, get
them out of your head andreflect on what's really
happening.
Even just taking five minutesof each day to jot down what
(33:38):
you're feeling whether it'sgratitude, frustration, fear can
give you some much neededclarity.
Now, when you start saying I'mfearful or I'm worried, I want
you to be specific what are youworried about?
And if I was coaching you, Iwould say why?
(34:00):
Why are you worried about thewhite blood cell counts?
Or why are you worried aboutwhat's going to happen in the
future?
And I'm not saying it's bad.
And then, what are you worriedabout when it comes to the
future?
So yeah, it could be financial,it could be work-related, it
(34:21):
could be.
Will my partner ever be thesame again?
That kind of thing?
Remind yourself.
You need this much neededclarity and you need a space to
release it, and it might besomething that you continually
work on.
(34:41):
Another one, and a reallyimportant one, is
self-compassion and grace.
I want to remind you to be kindto yourself.
Caregiving is not easy and it'sokay to feel overwhelmed,
stressed and unsure, especiallywhen you don't know the process.
You don't know what the futurewill hold.
(35:04):
There will be days when youdon't feel strong, and that's
all right.
You might just have to thrivethat day or survive that day.
It's normal to have thosemoments and be okay with it.
I was that way last week.
I wasn't okay.
If you didn't listen to lastweek's podcast, I wasn't okay.
(35:27):
What's important is that youshow up and you show up to
yourself with grace.
You're doing the best you can.
You've never been in thisterritory before and that's okay
and that's enough.
Right now, you're doing thebest you can.
Give yourself permission to nothave all the answers, to not be
(35:49):
able to do it all, and to takebreaks when you need them.
You can't keep going like younormally would go through.
Before caregiving, I used tobeat myself up saying why don't
I have the energy?
Why can't I do the same thingsthat?
I used to beat myself up sayingwhy don't I have the energy?
Why can't I do the same thingsthat I used to do and I have
(36:12):
this time on my hands.
The emotional and physical tollthat caregiving takes on your
body is enormous.
You're not failing.
If you don't have it allfigured out.
You're human.
Maybe you write that down.
You're a caregiver and you'redoing an incredible job, even if
you don't Don't always feel theway.
(36:33):
If you're showing up, that'swhat you need to do.
If you're asking questions,that's what you need to do.
If you feel out of control,allow yourself to feel that way
and saying, okay, I can takebaby steps to kind of ground
myself, and it's a bad day andthat's okay.
(36:55):
So now what you want to do isbuild emotional resilience, and
this is what you're doing whenyou're doing some of these
practices.
One of the most important thingsI've learned throughout my
caregiving journey is the powerof support.
When you're in the thick ofthis tough season like this one
with I'm going through withDennis in his stem cell
(37:17):
transplant, having a supportsystem isn't just helpful, it's
absolutely necessary.
It's so easy to think that wehave to do everything ourself,
but the truth is, trying tocarry the emotional burden alone
is so much harder to cope with.
Yeah, the weight of the stress,the weight of the fear, the
(37:41):
weight of the worry can quicklyoverwhelm you, but when you have
people to lean on, even justknowing that someone is there,
someone who truly understands,can make a huge difference.
Now it could be professionalcounseling or therapy, or it
could be just help with thephysical things.
(38:04):
I want to go into and talk aboutsome of the support systems
that have been absolutelyessential in this tough season
I'm going through Right now, asDennis is going through his
transplant journey.
I'm surrounded by a solidsupport network that brings
grateful tears to my eyes thatare helping me carry all of the
(38:27):
things that I need to carryEmotional loads to physical
loads, to everything in between.
So here are some of my examplesI have, since I cannot be home
and Dennis cannot be home.
They're saying maybe betweenday 90 and 100, he can go home
and he's on day 33.
(38:48):
Right now I need somebodywatching my dogs.
I have two beautiful.
They're my kids, my fur babies,and the home care.
One of the things that I'm mostgrateful for is having all of
the help that I have that arewatching Lucy and Eddie and
being cared for.
So I had to create a calendar Ihad to reach out to family and
(39:15):
friends and neighbors andeverybody, and I had to create,
you know, a step, action, littleguide on how to take care of my
dogs and my home and my crazyair conditioning that still
isn't fixed and all of thesethings that have to be done at
home.
And so I have people at myhouse that are doing that.
(39:35):
I created this private Facebookgroup.
I just couldn't find anythingelse that I liked.
So I created a private Facebookgroup that was only open to
family and friends, that I giveupdates to dentists on, but in
return, I have emotional support.
(39:56):
In return, I have emotionalsupport.
I have people that are sending,that are posting quotes for the
day, that are reaching out tome, that are sending cards to
dentists, that are sending gifts.
All of that involved.
These people, if I say I needhelp with this, they band
together and figure it out, andit keeps me away from these
(40:18):
burdening constant calls ortexts that people would send me
to say how's Dennis doing, how'sthis doing?
No, if they're a close familyand friend, I will go ahead and
add them to the group and wepost daily or every other day on
his updates, which is reallynice Now there have been times
(40:39):
where I needed help, where Ineeded to be home to meet the
air conditioning repairman, or Ihad a personal appointment that
I needed to go through.
So I have family and friendsthat will take Dennis to the
appointments or stay at Kathy'shouse as well, and this has been
so nice.
When we come home too, we'llopen that up too, where, if
(41:04):
there's a conflict, people canhelp with transportations or
appointments, or maybe if it wasa really tough time at the
hospital which I haven't had yet, but I know that I'd have extra
support with me if I need extrasupport.
Another one is calls with apersonal friend or family member
(41:25):
that can help you through someof the struggles, and mine has
been.
I call my sister twice a week,and my sister has been my rock
during this time.
We talk nearly two to threetimes a week, sometimes just to
check in, sometimes to vent,sometimes I just want to know
(41:47):
what's happening with her, so Idon't have to just be wrapped up
in this world.
These calls are my lifeline.
They remind me that I'm notalone in this journey.
Whether I'm feeling overwhelmedor just need someone to hear me
, my sister supports me andkeeps me grounded and she knows
what questions to ask me.
I have other people as wellthat I can lean into too.
(42:11):
Another thing is look at thesupport groups while you're at
(42:41):
the facility or during theprocess.
There's a transplant supportgroup at Frader that I, other
caregivers and you get to heartheir stories and they get to
hear your stories and it'sincredibly validating about
being in a space with others whoget it and you can talk about
it and if you like that aspect,you go through that aspect
together and you have asupporting piece there.
I also have been really thinkingabout this too the Kathy's
(43:03):
house, which is the hospitalhouse we're staying at.
Yes, it's Kathy, but this oneis Kathy with a K.
If you ever want to see what itlooks like, it's Kathy's house
in Milwaukee, wisconsin, andwhat they do is they have
volunteers that come in andserve free meals a few times a
month and I've been takingadvantage of the free meals from
(43:26):
the volunteers.
It's a night that I don't haveto cook for myself, or a night I
don't have to cook for Dennis,and it's just brings this
community of people staying heretogether.
So if you're running on emptyfrom a food perspective or a
physical perspective, or youneed that emotional support.
(43:48):
This is one way that I havefound, too, and so I want to get
back to building your community.
I want you to really thinkabout when things are really
tough, especially the personthat sent in this text.
Do you have a family or do youhave a community that you're
building?
Not everyone has family membersor close friends nearby.
(44:10):
That can make caregiving evenmore and it can make caregiving
even more isolated.
But what is your community?
Do you have co-workers?
Do you have friends?
You want to think about that sothat you can go ahead and start
building your community.
Also, look at the ask aboutthis, because when Dennis went
(44:35):
through his initial planning, Iasked about any type of support
system social workers,psychologists that can help you
through some of thosechallenging times as well.
Look at online groups onlinethat maybe there's a I know
there's a bone marrow supportgroup online that you can kind
(44:59):
of look at and read and maybeeven ask questions.
There might be even localsupport groups, and obviously
this podcast is a nice way, butthere's other podcasts that you
can go ahead and do, and itmight be helpful for you to walk
and listen to something too,and it might be helpful for you
to walk and listen to somethingtoo.
So building a community aroundyou doesn't really happen
(45:20):
overnight, but it's worth theeffort, whether it's leaning
into family, seeking supportfrom fellow caregivers or
finding professional help.
You don't have to carry all thisemotional weight of caregiving
alone.
You don't have to carry allthis emotional weight of
caregiving alone.
Mention it to the team ofmedical professionals to say are
(45:43):
there anything available from acaregiving perspective, or
where can I go to ask myquestions because I'm feeling
uncertain about some thingsgoing forward.
And if you're the type ofperson that needs to know the
process, well then tell themthat I can honestly say that
having my support system hasmade all the difference in how
(46:05):
I'm coping with the journey.
And if you're feeling isolated,please remember you're not
alone in this.
Reach out, lean into supportsystem.
Allow others to help carry someof that emotional load for you.
Maybe it's a friend that you'resaying I'm going to need you to
go ahead and help me throughthis season and you tell them I
(46:27):
don't need you to fix it,because I had to tell my sister,
connie, that you can't fix it,but what I need you to do is
listen and then ask me goodquestions, and it's okay if I'm
frustrated and I'm just having acrappy mindset by you just
listening.
(46:47):
It just helps me release someof that.
So, in conclusion, today I knowthis has been a long one, but
hopefully this has helped youand we're wrapping up I want to
leave you with some keytakeaways and kind of put the
ribbon around everything.
First and foremost, fear andworry are normal, especially in
the face of caregivingchallenges.
(47:07):
These emotions don't make youweak or incapable.
They make you human, and you'regoing to look back at this and
you're going to see how muchyou've grown, how much you've
learned about yourself.
It's okay to feel them, it'sokay not to have all the answers
right now and it's okay to takea step back when things are
(47:31):
overwhelming.
The key is learning to embracethose emotions without judgment.
Don't beat yourself up, don'tself-talk yourself, don't push
them away or try to suppressthem.
Instead, try practices thatwork for you, like mindfulness
or journaling or self-compassion, to help manage yours.
(47:53):
Maybe yours is prayer, maybeyours is something different.
I just gave you a few tools,but any tools that can help you
stay present, grounded andconnected to yourself.
Remember, building emotionalresilience isn't just about
toughing it out alone.
It requires support, and itstarts with being kind to
(48:14):
yourself.
You cannot pour from an emptycup, so taking care of yourself
is the first step in being thebest caregiver you can be for
your loved one.
I want to encourage you.
If you're feeling afraid, ifyou're feeling overwhelmed or
uncertain, know that you are notalone.
These feelings are part of thejourney and it's okay to feel
(48:36):
vulnerable and seek support.
The support might be the nursein the room that you're saying
when you're walking out.
Can I quickly talk to you?
Is there any suggestions youhave for financial support?
Or, if there's any suggestionsyou have for all of my questions
, do you have a document that Icould look at online?
(48:58):
Fear doesn't take away fromyour strength as a caregiver.
It's simply a reminder of howmuch you care and how deeply you
love.
Before I leave, I'd love to hearfrom you.
I want you to grab that textbelow.
I know that sharing yourexperiences can be a powerful
(49:18):
way to connect.
I want to hear how you'remanaging your fear and worry.
Click that link that says textKathy, and share your story.
What fears are you carrying andhow are you managing them.
Whether it's something big orsmall, your experience could
help somebody else and I couldshare those in the next episode.
(49:41):
So, to conclude here, I want tothank you for being here.
You are doing an incredible joband remember, you can do this.
You can do it one step at atime and if you have to take a
step back tomorrow, remember thefollowing day can be a step
forward.
But even if you don't alwaysfeel like you do, you're still
(50:04):
making a difference.
You're making a difference inevery single day.
You're helping your loved onethrough this challenging time.
But what you have to rememberis you have to keep your cup
full.
You have to keep filling yourcup so that you can show up as
the best self that you can beeach and every day.
(50:25):
So have a good rest of the day,my friend, and we'll see you
again next week.
Bye for now.
Well, hello my friend and welcome to the Caregiver
Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
I am so glad you're listeningtoday.
This episode today is inspiredby a text message I received
that I know you can empathizewith, relate to and maybe even
be experiencing right now.
You know what it is.
It's all about fear or worry,or uncertainty, or all of the
(00:21):
above.
It's all about fear or worry,or uncertainty, or all of the
above.
I personally want to thank thisperson for sending in this
message and if you have a textmessage you want to send, just
go to the show notes and you'regoing to see text, kathy, and
you can click on that and sendme a message.
Here's the message.
It says Hi, kathy, my husbandis also about to go to get a
(00:44):
bone marrow transplant.
He is 35 years old and I am 30.
I am really struggling withthis and feel alone and really
like I'm losing hope.
Sometimes I am scared of howhard the transplant will be.
You that my heart goes out toyou, but also I want to commend
you for your self-awareness.
(01:06):
Not many of us caregiversrecognize and admit our current
situation, our thoughts and ourfeelings.
Also, it is very common forcaregivers to feel overwhelmed
when their loved one is about togo through something as intense
as a bone marrow transplant.
It is a huge process.
There are many unknowns andyour family and friends really
(01:30):
don't understand your thoughtsand feelings totally and the
role of the caregiver.
So today I want to share myjourney and experiences and how
I managed fear, worry anduncertainty during challenging
caregiver moments and really howI'm experiencing them again
right now, and hopefully by mesharing some of this, it will
(01:54):
help the person that sent inthis text and all of us
listening today.
So let's dive in a bit deepernow to why these emotions of
fear, worry and uncertainty comeup in the first place.
I think we can all agree thatthey're a natural part of
caregiving experiences, but ithelps to understand why they
(02:17):
arise and then, once we canunderstand the whys, we can get
into it a little bit deeper.
First, at the core of it.
A lot of these feelings arerooted in the unknowns.
When you're facing somethinglike a bone marrow transplant,
something so big andlife-altering, it's only human
to fear what's ahead.
You might be worried about yourloved one's safety or their
(02:41):
health, about how their bodywill react, or even about what
life will be like on the otherside of the procedure, and even
me, I experienced that when wedrove down.
I'm thinking okay, what is itgoing to be like to drive home
when this is all done?
(03:01):
The fear of the unknown is ahuge source of stress for
caregiver.
And, first of all, it'scompletely valid.
The uncertainty that surroundsus only intensifies the fear.
As caregivers, we often havevery little control over the
medical outcomes.
Sure, we can manageappointments and offer support
(03:23):
and stay as present as possible,but when it comes to the actual
recovery or how a procedurewill unfold, we have no way of
knowing what will happen next,and the lack of control can
leave us feeling helpless andincrease the worry even more.
And just as a side note to theperson listening to, when you
(03:47):
see your loved one lookingdifferent or feeling different,
it sends a flag in your head andyou start to worry and fear
even more.
And so I'm just giving you thatheads up that sometimes the
outlook of something justtriggers it.
(04:07):
So now let's talk about commontriggers for these feelings.
First, there's the obviousanticipating medical procedures,
no matter what the procedure is, when your loved one is about
to undergo a major medicaltreatment, like a bone marrow
transplant, a surgery, whateverchemotherapy, whatever it is,
(04:29):
the fear of the unknown growsexponentially.
You may be constantly wonderinghow the procedure will affect
them, how their body will handleit, what recovery will look
like.
It's normal to have thatuncertainty.
It's the part of the process,but it doesn't make it easier to
(04:51):
navigate.
Then there's the emotional andphysical toll.
Caregiving takes on you, thecaregiver.
Sometimes we forget that we arealso deeply impacted by the
process between managing thelogistics of appointments,
taking on emotional weight ofsupporting your loved one and
(05:11):
juggling your own life.
It's exhausting.
It can take a huge toll on yourmental health, your emotional
health, your physical health,really your overall well-being.
This all adds to the fear andworry, because now not only are
you concerned about your lovedone, but you're also feeling the
strain of doing everythingyourself.
(05:33):
And I laugh today because lifeis just kind of it kind of
crumbled today and I'm worryingabout my home life and the silly
air conditioning and all thesekind of things.
And I think this next trigger issomething that's hard for
people to talk about and that'sa feeling of isolation.
(05:57):
It's easy to feel alone in thisjourney, even when you're
surrounded by tons of people,especially when no one around
you fully understands whatyou're going through.
They can say things like takecare of yourself, and you're
like, okay, yeah, how do you dothat Really when I'm trying to
take care of myself physically?
(06:18):
But these mental things aregetting in my way and it's
normal.
Sometimes it feels like no onecan truly grasp the weight of
what caregiving really involves.
You might feel like you'reholding it all together, but in
the quiet moments it can be sooverwhelming.
You may want to reach out tosomeone, but you don't know who
(06:38):
to turn to, or maybe they justdon't get it in the way you need
them to.
For me, especially duringDennis's transplant, I really
felt the weight of fear anduncertainty.
It's good to be informed and anadvocate it really is.
But knowledge can also amplifythe worry and I'm going to just
(07:08):
kind of explain that.
Most caregivers now have accessat an instant to apps and
information online, like theirlab results, the doctor's notes,
and for me, I love that becauseI can go in and see what his
platelet counts are, his whiteblood cell counts are his weight
, is his blood pressure, is whatthe doctor's prescribing.
But when you get into it somuch, and what happens then is.
(07:34):
You start obsessing over it,thinking, oh my gosh, his count
went down again, or this one'stoo high.
And then you start, for me,down again, or this one's too
high.
And then you start, for me, Istart obsessing over it, and the
uncertainty and the worrybecome paralyzing and you start
thinking, oh my God, what ifthis happens?
(07:54):
What if it's affecting theirliver now and their liver's
impacted by it?
And so, for me, I've had tolearn to say, okay, I understand
what the facts are.
Now I need to ask questionsversus asking AI or Google and
(08:15):
seeing what the worst are.
But all of these triggers thatwe have, whether they're the
good or the bad or the ugly, allof these triggers fear of the
unknown, the emotional toll andthe isolation are incredibly
common.
And I want to tell you you'renot alone in feeling them as
caregivers.
We all feel them.
It's important to acknowledgethem so we can start to move
(08:37):
forward and manage them, and I'mgoing to get into some examples
today, and I've had to do thismyself and I'll get into it in
just a bit a little deeper.
But I've had to ask myself whatis the truth?
Is it, you know, like if I wasGoogling?
You know, his uric acid was outof control and I'm concerned
(09:00):
that it's going to affect hiskidneys Well.
And so I start obsessing aboutthat versus.
Is it truly true?
Is it just a fluke that azuricacid is off, or can they adjust
some other medication and itgets back on normal?
I have to pull myself out ofthat frightful worrying.
(09:21):
So let's talk about now, aboutidentifying these emotions of
fear, worry and uncertainty, andlet's dive into the fact that
we want to embrace them, and whyand I want to start by
validating something reallyimportant it's absolutely okay
to feel scared, worried anduncertain, especially when
(09:44):
you're a caregiver.
These emotions are normal humanresponses and they are a sign
that you care deeply about yourloved one, and so I want you to
go ahead and not obsess that ohmy God, I'm just a worry or all
that.
I want you to embrace it first.
In fact, as I read through themessage from one of our
(10:07):
listeners that I just readremember the one I just read I
couldn't help but feel a senseof gratitude for her courage in
being self-aware, and I'massuming it's a she, so if it's
a he, I apologize, but remembershe said I'm struggling with
this and feel alone and I'mlosing hope.
(10:27):
Sometimes I'm scared of howhard the transplant will be,
(10:47):
that you are self-aware and Iwant to say thank you for
sending this.
First of all, I truly commendyou for being so open, aware of
the emotions.
Like I said, so many caregiverssuppress these feelings or feel
guilty about them, but byacknowledging them, you're
taking the first important steptowards managing them.
You are doing exactly what youneed to do right now,
(11:08):
recognizing the fear anduncertainty that they're part of
this journey, not something tohide from.
You definitely have a right tobe nervous and fearful and
worried, and Dennis and I myhusband Dennis and I we've had a
lot of discussions about thisand saying, yeah, we're both
(11:31):
worried about it, and then wetalk through those.
Now here's the thing when youtry to push those feelings aside
or suppress them, they don'tjust disappear.
In fact, they often growstronger.
For me, during Dennis'stransplant, I found myself going
into this busy mode and stayingso busy, keeping myself
(11:53):
constantly occupied, whether itwas keeping up with medical
details, running errands orsimply being on the go.
It was my way of suppressing myfear sometimes.
But guess what?
All that does is make the fear.
All that does is just keepingthat.
And that fear didn't go away.
(12:16):
In fact, it just made me feelmore disconnected from my
feelings and eventually it camerushing back in more intense
ways.
And so I learned the hard waythat I can't ignore these
emotions and the flip side.
It's kind of like ateeter-totter.
You know how the teeter-tottergoes up and down on each side.
(12:37):
You can't ignore them, but youcan't obsess over them.
Either you have to find thatbalance or else, if you do, they
amplify.
So here's my advice I want toshare Opening up about your
emotions, even when they seemoverwhelming, can help you just
stay grounded.
It's not easy, and in thoseearly days of caregiving I
(13:02):
didn't always know how toexpress my fear.
But when I did take a moment tosit with myself and acknowledge
them and how scared I was, itgave me a sense of clarity and I
looked at the positive side ofokay, I'm nervous and I'm scared
for myself, but also for myloved one, and I had to embrace
(13:27):
that in supporting Dennis butalso taking care of myself as
well, because I couldn't letthat let me hit rock bottom.
I couldn't let that be my onlyemotions and thoughts.
So I just needed a little waterhere.
(13:47):
I want to encourage you to stopfeeling guilty about your fear.
First of all, you're not weak.
You're definitely not failingyour loved one.
Feeling scared doesn't meanyou're not strong.
It's part of the process.
Embracing those feelingsinstead of running from them
helps you process them.
(14:08):
A good way to process for me isjournaling them out, and
journaling out my fears and whyI feel this way, and then
sometimes I will even go as faras is it truth or is it not true
?
You know, because sometimes Iwould obsess so much over the
worry I'm worried that he's notgoing to ever go home.
(14:30):
Well, I don't know that it'sprobably a lie.
He's going to get to go home.
Obviously, some things maydelay it, but there's going to
be some things we're going to beable to celebrate.
So to anyone listening today,especially that person that sent
in the text who might feel likethe weight of the emotion is
(14:53):
impacting them, remember it'sokay to feel the way you do.
It doesn't take away from yourstrength.
It simply makes you human.
And if you talk to somebody andyou tell them you're so worried
and they said stop worrying,then that's not the right person
to talk to.
That person should let youacknowledge the worry and then
(15:13):
talk about it, and talk aboutwhat's a good thing to worry
about and what's something.
Maybe you should put the worrydial on low.
You're doing your best andthat's okay, so I wanted you to
do that.
So let's talk aboutunderstanding fear and worry a
little bit more.
Let's take a moment to reallyunderstand the impact that fear
(15:37):
and worry can have on you as acaregiver Really one of the
biggest challenges I see and weface in this fear, or this cloud
of fear and judgment.
When we're overwhelmed, it canbecome hard to see through
clearly.
Think of it as a cloudy fearand most of the best decisions
(15:58):
for our loved one and forourselves.
So our minds can start tospiral ourselves.
So our minds can start tospiral and instead of being
present in the moment, we end upconsumed with the what ifs and
the worst case scenarios.
Oh my gosh.
I was there again this morning.
Dennis went to his weeklycheckup and he had his labs and
(16:20):
he had his physician's assistantappointment and his diarrhea
and GI problems are not goingaway and she had said that she
needs to talk to our doctor, whois traveling today but we'll be
back tomorrow.
But she said, if I can get himon the phone today, we're going
(16:40):
to go ahead and talk more.
But theyaring or their thinkingthat it's either the medication
one of his meds is causing theallergic reaction of all the
diarrhea or he has GVHD and inorder to do that they're going
to have to do a colonoscopy.
(17:01):
And in order to expedite thecolonoscopy he has to go back
inpatient.
Well, first of all, let's getthrough the first step, kathy of
let's get off the meds and seeif the multiple bouts of
diarrhea go away right, and then, if that doesn't go away, then
(17:23):
he has to go inpatient forcolonoscopy.
Versus me, I was already atinpatient GVHD and the stem cell
transplants of failure and Iwas in that spiral within five
minutes.
Within five minutes.
So I think it's normal humanresponse.
(17:48):
Our brain's trying to protectus, but it's a normal human
response At that moment.
Think about it.
What if the transplant didn'twork?
What if I lose him?
That might be another one?
What will I do without him?
We get those fears and we getthose worries right away.
(18:12):
I started researching hospitalsright away when I heard this.
I started researching drugs.
I started researching othertreatments, anything to try and
prepare myself for the worst.
And it's like why am I doingthis?
Why does my brain automaticallygo that way?
(18:33):
But it is, it's normal.
And let me tell you, my mindwas completely out of control.
I wasn't being rational.
I was being consumed by fear ofan outcome that wasn't even
reality.
It may be something, but Idon't think we're ready to go
there yet.
What I had to do in my situationwas what we need to do when we
(19:00):
find ourselves overthinking ispull it back.
Pull it back.
And it reminds me of a smokerwanting to have a cigarette and
that hit of that nicotine thatthey want is there.
And I had to stop myself andask is leaning all the way to
(19:21):
the worst case scenario.
The truth, and is this helpfulfor me right now?
And the answer was no.
It wasn't true.
We don't even know the causeyet and it definitely wasn't
healthy for me.
I have to be patient and followthe steps.
I had to bring myself back tothe present and saying, okay,
(19:44):
we're going to get off the medsfor a couple of days and track
the diarrhea and if it'simproving, then it's the
medicine, because he's takinglike four pills.
I don't even know what themilligrams are, but he's taking
four pills in the morning andfour pills in the evening, and
(20:04):
so it's not like it's just a onepill thing.
It's a massive dose in themorning and a massive dose in
the afternoon, and if there's anallergic reaction, well yeah,
it's going to get into your bodysystem and be constant all the
time.
So, instead of doing that thisis something I have had to learn
over time but my mind continuesto go there.
(20:28):
I have to just accept my mindwill go there, but I have to go
ahead and tell myself.
Fear often wants to protect you.
It tries to prepare you for theworst, but it is not actually
helping you cope with thepresent situation.
It can distract you from what'struly happening.
(20:48):
Anybody that I talk to, I tellthem this.
I tell them my brain willautomatically do this.
So this is what I need you todo to say Kathy, is this truly
true?
What are the steps before that?
Before you let your mind gothere and it can cloud my
judgment, it can make it harderto take rational steps forward
(21:11):
and it whacks out I don't knowhow else to say it, it whacks
out my nervous system.
It just whacks it out the keyto recognizing fear, like I said
, is a natural response.
It's a response to your love,to caring so deeply about
someone that the thought oflosing them or not being able to
protect them feels like anunbearable weight.
(21:33):
In my case, I love Dennis somuch that my mind wanted to
anticipate every possiblenegative outcome in an effort to
protect him and myself.
But the truth is, the kind ofoverthinking wasn't helping me
and it wasn't helping Denniseither.
We'll take this one step at atime.
(21:56):
Let's not jump to the worstpossible scenario.
Instead, know the worstpossible scenario Instead.
Fear can be a reminder of thestrength of your bond with your
loved one.
It shows just how deeply youcare.
But it also is important toacknowledge when the fear starts
to take over in an unhealthyway.
(22:16):
When we get caught up in it, welose sight of what's happening
right in front of us and westart making decisions based on
what we fear rather than whatactually are true.
Think about it as a new mom,and a new mom is worried their
toddler might run into thestreet, and so they get this
(22:40):
fear so early and they'resitting in their driveway and
the child's doing chalk on thedriveway, or they may be playing
with a toy and the mom is soparalyzed that they don't even
want their child in the frontyard because they're afraid of
(23:02):
what that outcome could be whentheir child hasn't even gotten
close to the street.
It's almost like that theydon't even want their child
outside because they're fearfulof it and it's robbing her of
the joy of the moments.
So I want you to take a momentto reflect.
When you start feelingoverwhelmed by fear, ask
yourself this is this fear basedon the reality of my situation
(23:27):
or am I getting caught up in aworst case scenario that hasn't
even happened yet?
You know, dennis's doctor inGreen Bay, dr Godham, said to me
when I was worried about thisnext step and we weren't even
driving down for his stem celltransplant.
(23:48):
He said when fear hits, I wantyou to hold your heart and trust
in God.
Don't let your mind race.
You just have to trust theprocess one step at a time.
You just have to trust theprocess one step at a time, and
that hit home for me and maybeit'll hit home for you.
(24:08):
Okay, let's talk about nowmanaging fear, worry and
uncertainty.
As caregivers, we know all toowell that the stress is a
constant companion.
It's our pocket buddy, it's ourstress on the shoulder,
(24:28):
whatever you want to call it.
In tough and challengingseasons, especially when it
feels like everything isspiraling out of control, it can
be really hard to manage thatstress.
The truth is, you can't get ridof the stress and those
overwhelming feelings,especially in a challenging
situation or a challengingseason.
They're going to show up andthey're going to keep coming.
(24:51):
I'm sorry, that's usually whathappens, but here's what I've
learned over time.
It's not about eliminating youremotions.
It's about working with themand working with them and not
sweeping them underneath the rug, not letting them bubble up
altogether, but just workingthrough them.
(25:13):
When I was deep in the trenchesand I still am with Dennis's
transplant journey, I've alwaystried to push away the stress,
the fear and the worry.
I can do this, we'll getthrough this, but that didn't
work.
In fact, it just makeseverything feel bigger and
harder, because if you just keeppushing it back, it's
(25:36):
eventually going to all comeforward.
What helped me?
Learning to work with my stressand not against it?
I had to experiment withdifferent techniques in finding
what's worked for me in thosehigh stress moments, and I want
to encourage you to do the same.
What I'm trying to get at isone size doesn't fit all, so if
(25:57):
I tell you, oh yeah, I pray andI journal, that might not work
for everybody, but I'm going togive you some examples and some
practices that you're going towant to see what works and then
which ones work, keep them attop of mind and start trying
(26:17):
different things.
Now, one thing that you want tothink about is mindfulness and
grounding techniques Things thatyou can do just in time, or
things that you want to thinkabout is mindfulness and
grounding techniques things thatyou can do just in time, or
things that you can do after arough period or before something
stressful happens.
Mindfulness was one of thetools that really has helped me.
(26:39):
It's about being present andpaying attention to the moment,
even when your mind wants to runaway with fear and worry.
Let's say, you go into thehospital or you go into his
appointment and you see thathe's really really sick, and you
can see that because Dennislooks a little bit yellow or
(27:02):
gray, that because Dennis looksa little bit yellow or gray, and
when you see him sleeping andhis body tried to heal, it
doesn't make you feel reallygood, but you want to think
about.
Mindfulness helps you slow downthat mental spiral that your
brain wants to go through andpulls you back to the now.
They are, excuse me, they aresimple techniques you can try,
(27:27):
like right away.
One is deep breathing.
A few slow, deep breaths canreset your nervous system,
especially when you heard badnews or especially when you're
waiting on results or it's beena really rough day.
You can do it in the car, youcan do it sitting down, you can
(27:49):
do it while you're taking ashower, you can do it anywhere,
and it helps you calm down instressful moments.
So, taking a deep breath inholding it and then take blowing
out the breath, it's a quickway to regain your sense of
control and that might help you.
Another one is to take I callit, a body scan.
(28:12):
You lay down I usually lay downon a yoga mat or laying down on
a bed and you focus on theparts of your body starting from
your toes and going up to yourhead.
When you're laying down, I feelmy feet, I feel my shins, I
feel my calves, my knees,whatever, and you work your way
(28:33):
up the body and this helps youtune into your physical
sensations of your body and itreleases built up tension.
Another one is focusing on thesenses.
Pause and really notice whatyou see, what you hear, what you
smell, and focusing on all ofthose.
(28:55):
This can ground you in yourmind from wandering in
overwhelming situations.
I've done this where I went fora walk, like I had to just get
out of the hospital room or getout of our hospital housing and
I'd go for a walk.
But focus on something.
(29:17):
Look for hearts Maybe there'sheart-shaped leaves or look at
the rocks on the ground.
Or look at the clouds and seeif it's a cloudy day.
Look and see if you can see anypictures in the clouds or
formations in the clouds, ormaybe you smell the fresh air or
(29:37):
listen for the birds, whatever.
Focus on a sense that will helpyou.
And then I talked about walking, but mindful walking.
It can really help.
Taking a short walk andfocusing on your steps.
With each step, remind yourselfyou're right here right now.
You're doing the best you canand focusing on that.
(30:01):
So that's mindfulness.
Another one is creating a dailyroutine.
Depending on your season, thisroutine is going to look
different.
When everything feels uncertain, having a routine can create
some stability.
It doesn't have to be a rigidschedule, but small, manageable
(30:22):
tasks each day can make adifference.
For example, start your daywith a morning practice, setting
aside a time where you walk, oryou take a few minutes to
journal or do some self-care.
Maybe you get up and youstretch and drink a glass of
water before you start this hardday, or you just check in with
(30:45):
a support system.
Maybe you have a friend thatyou can.
While you're putting on yourmakeup or brushing your teeth or
whatever you're doing in themorning, you talk to somebody in
the morning.
These things add up when lifefeels like it's spinning.
Routine brings a sense of order.
Or maybe it's your nighttimeroutine, maybe, where you do
(31:08):
something so that you can winddown, so that you don't let your
mind go.
Maybe you journal gratitudebefore you go to bed, or maybe
you listen to some soothingmusic or do meditation.
Just try a small pocket anddon't make it something that you
don't need another thing onyour to-do list but just
(31:28):
something you can do.
Another practice is focusing onwhat you can control.
This is a good one, because youcan do this during your walk,
you can do this in yourjournaling, but a big part of
managing stress is shifting yourfocus away from what's out of
control.
It's so easy to get stuck inthe unknowns, especially when
(31:49):
you're waiting on your loved oneto go through something complex
such as a bone marrowtransplant.
By focusing on what you cancontrol is key.
For me, it was staying focusedon the daily tasks that were in
hand Supporting Dennis in hisrecovery.
Right now he's doing smalllittle walks around the Kathy's
(32:12):
House hospital house that we'reat, and so I'm making sure that
he's taking small little walksor making sure that he's
drinking his water.
It could be keeping in touchwith a support network.
It all helped me regain a senseof agency or control too, and
(32:33):
when I'm focusing on somethingout of my control, it's almost
like I have to just stop,acknowledge it and say, nope,
I'm only going to focus on whatI need to control.
It almost reminds me of youcould even do this.
You could draw a circle on yourpiece of paper and the things
within your control are in theinside of the circle.
(32:54):
The things on the outside ofyour control are the things that
you can't control, or outsideof the circle of things you can
control, and what you could dois you could take a scissors and
then cut the circle and theoutside would be stuff you would
toss away Just thinking aboutthat.
Another one I just talked aboutis journaling and
(33:15):
self-reflecting.
Writing down your thoughts andyour feelings can really help
you release some of the anxietythat builds up, getting them out
of your head.
Journaling often offers a spaceto process your emotions, get
them out of your head andreflect on what's really
happening.
Even just taking five minutesof each day to jot down what
(33:38):
you're feeling whether it'sgratitude, frustration, fear can
give you some much neededclarity.
Now, when you start saying I'mfearful or I'm worried, I want
you to be specific what are youworried about?
And if I was coaching you, Iwould say why?
(34:00):
Why are you worried about thewhite blood cell counts?
Or why are you worried aboutwhat's going to happen in the
future?
And I'm not saying it's bad.
And then, what are you worriedabout when it comes to the
future?
So yeah, it could be financial,it could be work-related, it
(34:21):
could be.
Will my partner ever be thesame again?
That kind of thing?
Remind yourself.
You need this much neededclarity and you need a space to
release it, and it might besomething that you continually
work on.
(34:41):
Another one, and a reallyimportant one, is
self-compassion and grace.
I want to remind you to be kindto yourself.
Caregiving is not easy and it'sokay to feel overwhelmed,
stressed and unsure, especiallywhen you don't know the process.
You don't know what the futurewill hold.
(35:04):
There will be days when youdon't feel strong, and that's
all right.
You might just have to thrivethat day or survive that day.
It's normal to have thosemoments and be okay with it.
I was that way last week.
I wasn't okay.
If you didn't listen to lastweek's podcast, I wasn't okay.
(35:27):
What's important is that youshow up and you show up to
yourself with grace.
You're doing the best you can.
You've never been in thisterritory before and that's okay
and that's enough.
Right now, you're doing thebest you can.
Give yourself permission to nothave all the answers, to not be
(35:49):
able to do it all, and to takebreaks when you need them.
You can't keep going like younormally would go through.
Before caregiving, I used tobeat myself up saying why don't
I have the energy?
Why can't I do the same thingsthat?
I used to beat myself up sayingwhy don't I have the energy?
Why can't I do the same thingsthat I used to do and I have
(36:12):
this time on my hands.
The emotional and physical tollthat caregiving takes on your
body is enormous.
You're not failing.
If you don't have it allfigured out.
You're human.
Maybe you write that down.
You're a caregiver and you'redoing an incredible job, even if
you don't Don't always feel theway.
(36:33):
If you're showing up, that'swhat you need to do.
If you're asking questions,that's what you need to do.
If you feel out of control,allow yourself to feel that way
and saying, okay, I can takebaby steps to kind of ground
myself, and it's a bad day andthat's okay.
(36:55):
So now what you want to do isbuild emotional resilience, and
this is what you're doing whenyou're doing some of these
practices.
One of the most important thingsI've learned throughout my
caregiving journey is the powerof support.
When you're in the thick ofthis tough season like this one
with I'm going through withDennis in his stem cell
(37:17):
transplant, having a supportsystem isn't just helpful, it's
absolutely necessary.
It's so easy to think that wehave to do everything ourself,
but the truth is, trying tocarry the emotional burden alone
is so much harder to cope with.
Yeah, the weight of the stress,the weight of the fear, the
(37:41):
weight of the worry can quicklyoverwhelm you, but when you have
people to lean on, even justknowing that someone is there,
someone who truly understands,can make a huge difference.
Now it could be professionalcounseling or therapy, or it
could be just help with thephysical things.
(38:04):
I want to go into and talk aboutsome of the support systems
that have been absolutelyessential in this tough season
I'm going through Right now, asDennis is going through his
transplant journey.
I'm surrounded by a solidsupport network that brings
grateful tears to my eyes thatare helping me carry all of the
(38:27):
things that I need to carryEmotional loads to physical
loads, to everything in between.
So here are some of my examplesI have, since I cannot be home
and Dennis cannot be home.
They're saying maybe betweenday 90 and 100, he can go home
and he's on day 33.
(38:48):
Right now I need somebodywatching my dogs.
I have two beautiful.
They're my kids, my fur babies,and the home care.
One of the things that I'm mostgrateful for is having all of
the help that I have that arewatching Lucy and Eddie and
being cared for.
So I had to create a calendar Ihad to reach out to family and
(39:15):
friends and neighbors andeverybody, and I had to create,
you know, a step, action, littleguide on how to take care of my
dogs and my home and my crazyair conditioning that still
isn't fixed and all of thesethings that have to be done at
home.
And so I have people at myhouse that are doing that.
(39:35):
I created this private Facebookgroup.
I just couldn't find anythingelse that I liked.
So I created a private Facebookgroup that was only open to
family and friends, that I giveupdates to dentists on, but in
return, I have emotional support.
(39:56):
In return, I have emotionalsupport.
I have people that are sending,that are posting quotes for the
day, that are reaching out tome, that are sending cards to
dentists, that are sending gifts.
All of that involved.
These people, if I say I needhelp with this, they band
together and figure it out, andit keeps me away from these
(40:18):
burdening constant calls ortexts that people would send me
to say how's Dennis doing, how'sthis doing?
No, if they're a close familyand friend, I will go ahead and
add them to the group and wepost daily or every other day on
his updates, which is reallynice Now there have been times
(40:39):
where I needed help, where Ineeded to be home to meet the
air conditioning repairman, or Ihad a personal appointment that
I needed to go through.
So I have family and friendsthat will take Dennis to the
appointments or stay at Kathy'shouse as well, and this has been
so nice.
When we come home too, we'llopen that up too, where, if
(41:04):
there's a conflict, people canhelp with transportations or
appointments, or maybe if it wasa really tough time at the
hospital which I haven't had yet, but I know that I'd have extra
support with me if I need extrasupport.
Another one is calls with apersonal friend or family member
(41:25):
that can help you through someof the struggles, and mine has
been.
I call my sister twice a week,and my sister has been my rock
during this time.
We talk nearly two to threetimes a week, sometimes just to
check in, sometimes to vent,sometimes I just want to know
(41:47):
what's happening with her, so Idon't have to just be wrapped up
in this world.
These calls are my lifeline.
They remind me that I'm notalone in this journey.
Whether I'm feeling overwhelmedor just need someone to hear me
, my sister supports me andkeeps me grounded and she knows
what questions to ask me.
I have other people as wellthat I can lean into too.
(42:11):
Another thing is look at thesupport groups while you're at
(42:41):
the facility or during theprocess.
There's a transplant supportgroup at Frader that I, other
caregivers and you get to heartheir stories and they get to
hear your stories and it'sincredibly validating about
being in a space with others whoget it and you can talk about
it and if you like that aspect,you go through that aspect
together and you have asupporting piece there.
I also have been really thinkingabout this too the Kathy's
(43:03):
house, which is the hospitalhouse we're staying at.
Yes, it's Kathy, but this oneis Kathy with a K.
If you ever want to see what itlooks like, it's Kathy's house
in Milwaukee, wisconsin, andwhat they do is they have
volunteers that come in andserve free meals a few times a
month and I've been takingadvantage of the free meals from
(43:26):
the volunteers.
It's a night that I don't haveto cook for myself, or a night I
don't have to cook for Dennis,and it's just brings this
community of people staying heretogether.
So if you're running on emptyfrom a food perspective or a
physical perspective, or youneed that emotional support.
(43:48):
This is one way that I havefound, too, and so I want to get
back to building your community.
I want you to really thinkabout when things are really
tough, especially the personthat sent in this text.
Do you have a family or do youhave a community that you're
building?
Not everyone has family membersor close friends nearby.
(44:10):
That can make caregiving evenmore and it can make caregiving
even more isolated.
But what is your community?
Do you have co-workers?
Do you have friends?
You want to think about that sothat you can go ahead and start
building your community.
Also, look at the ask aboutthis, because when Dennis went
(44:35):
through his initial planning, Iasked about any type of support
system social workers,psychologists that can help you
through some of thosechallenging times as well.
Look at online groups onlinethat maybe there's a I know
there's a bone marrow supportgroup online that you can kind
(44:59):
of look at and read and maybeeven ask questions.
There might be even localsupport groups, and obviously
this podcast is a nice way, butthere's other podcasts that you
can go ahead and do, and itmight be helpful for you to walk
and listen to something too,and it might be helpful for you
to walk and listen to somethingtoo.
So building a community aroundyou doesn't really happen
(45:20):
overnight, but it's worth theeffort, whether it's leaning
into family, seeking supportfrom fellow caregivers or
finding professional help.
You don't have to carry all thisemotional weight of caregiving
alone.
You don't have to carry allthis emotional weight of
caregiving alone.
Mention it to the team ofmedical professionals to say are
(45:43):
there anything available from acaregiving perspective, or
where can I go to ask myquestions because I'm feeling
uncertain about some thingsgoing forward.
And if you're the type ofperson that needs to know the
process, well then tell themthat I can honestly say that
having my support system hasmade all the difference in how
(46:05):
I'm coping with the journey.
And if you're feeling isolated,please remember you're not
alone in this.
Reach out, lean into supportsystem.
Allow others to help carry someof that emotional load for you.
Maybe it's a friend that you'resaying I'm going to need you to
go ahead and help me throughthis season and you tell them I
(46:27):
don't need you to fix it,because I had to tell my sister,
connie, that you can't fix it,but what I need you to do is
listen and then ask me goodquestions, and it's okay if I'm
frustrated and I'm just having acrappy mindset by you just
listening.
(46:47):
It just helps me release someof that.
So, in conclusion, today I knowthis has been a long one, but
hopefully this has helped youand we're wrapping up I want to
leave you with some keytakeaways and kind of put the
ribbon around everything.
First and foremost, fear andworry are normal, especially in
the face of caregivingchallenges.
(47:07):
These emotions don't make youweak or incapable.
They make you human, and you'regoing to look back at this and
you're going to see how muchyou've grown, how much you've
learned about yourself.
It's okay to feel them, it'sokay not to have all the answers
right now and it's okay to takea step back when things are
(47:31):
overwhelming.
The key is learning to embracethose emotions without judgment.
Don't beat yourself up, don'tself-talk yourself, don't push
them away or try to suppressthem.
Instead, try practices thatwork for you, like mindfulness
or journaling or self-compassion, to help manage yours.
(47:53):
Maybe yours is prayer, maybeyours is something different.
I just gave you a few tools,but any tools that can help you
stay present, grounded andconnected to yourself.
Remember, building emotionalresilience isn't just about
toughing it out alone.
It requires support, and itstarts with being kind to
(48:14):
yourself.
You cannot pour from an emptycup, so taking care of yourself
is the first step in being thebest caregiver you can be for
your loved one.
I want to encourage you.
If you're feeling afraid, ifyou're feeling overwhelmed or
uncertain, know that you are notalone.
These feelings are part of thejourney and it's okay to feel
(48:36):
vulnerable and seek support.
The support might be the nursein the room that you're saying
when you're walking out.
Can I quickly talk to you?
Is there any suggestions youhave for financial support?
Or, if there's any suggestionsyou have for all of my questions
, do you have a document that Icould look at online?
(48:58):
Fear doesn't take away fromyour strength as a caregiver.
It's simply a reminder of howmuch you care and how deeply you
love.
Before I leave, I'd love to hearfrom you.
I want you to grab that textbelow.
I know that sharing yourexperiences can be a powerful
(49:18):
way to connect.
I want to hear how you'remanaging your fear and worry.
Click that link that says textKathy, and share your story.
What fears are you carrying andhow are you managing them.
Whether it's something big orsmall, your experience could
help somebody else and I couldshare those in the next episode.
(49:41):
So, to conclude here, I want tothank you for being here.
You are doing an incredible joband remember, you can do this.
You can do it one step at atime and if you have to take a
step back tomorrow, remember thefollowing day can be a step
forward.
But even if you don't alwaysfeel like you do, you're still
(50:04):
making a difference.
You're making a difference inevery single day.
You're helping your loved onethrough this challenging time.
But what you have to rememberis you have to keep your cup
full.
You have to keep filling yourcup so that you can show up as
the best self that you can beeach and every day.
(50:25):
So have a good rest of the day,my friend, and we'll see you
again next week.
Bye for now.
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.