January 21, 2025 • 45 mins
We’ve all heard the saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But what if the lemons never stop falling? In this episode, we tackle the relentless challenges of caregiving—constant medical appointments, emotional strain, and the physical toll of caregiving. Drawing from personal stories and insights, we’ll share how to build resilience and find small moments of joy, even in the face of uncertainty and exhaustion.
You’ll learn Practical Steps to Navigate THIS SEASON, including:
- Recognizing when you’re overwhelmed and finding ways to recharge.
- Leaning into mindfulness practices to center your thoughts.
- Adjusting and refining coping strategies that may need updating.
- Finding small, meaningful moments of joy each day.
- Establishing a support system to help lighten your load.
Caregiving may be relentless, but by building resilience and focusing on what you can control, you can find strength to keep going—and even rediscover happiness along the way.
💌 Want more inspiration, information, and a deeper connection? Join the Caregiver Cup Community Newsletter for my weekly email filled with support and encouragement.
Get my free resource: 17 Shifts To Reduce CAREGIVER STRESS & Say Good-bye To CAREGIVER BURNOUT
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
It's Kathy here.
I am so glad you're joining metoday and I'm hoping that your
caregiver journey is going wellthis week and if it's not, I
think I've got some words ofwisdom for you in this podcast
episode.
(00:20):
But if it is going good for you, embrace it.
Embrace it, because we knowchallenges are just going to
happen.
Well, before we get started, Iwanted to give a shout out to a
couple of you who sent thosetext messages that you can click
the link at the bottom of apodcast episode and send me a
message, a question, a comment,your story, whatever you want to
(00:46):
do, and I'm going to share acouple of these today because I
haven't shared them in a while.
But I wanted to go and give ashout out to the person that
sent in from Anaheim.
She said she's a first timelistener.
I'm so glad that I found youand that it came just at the
right time for kicking off 2025.
She says I've been a caregiversince 2012 to my husband who has
(01:09):
brain cancer.
Kudos to you for going aheadand finding me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am so glad that you'refinding these helpful and oh my
gosh helpful.
And oh my gosh, you're over adecade into caregiving and I
(01:30):
want to go ahead and just giveyou a virtual hug and tell you
that you're not alone, and Iknow this journey isn't easy and
I'm hoping that you can findmoments of joy and memorable
moments for you and your husband.
Okay, here's another one.
I'm bringing them up on myemail.
This one is this person gave usher name because the app does
(01:52):
not.
The text does not give me yourname or it does not give me your
phone number.
It just gives me your last fourdigits and the location that
your phone number is serviced in.
And this one is fromPorterville, california.
Her name is Sabrina.
She's a 32-year-old caregivermom out in California.
(02:13):
She said I came across yourpodcast on the Apple app in
search of help and resources onthis new journey of mine.
I, along with my dad, have beena witness to my mom's long
battle with multiple chronicillnesses and just recently have
had to make significant changes.
Since her health took a big hitin the past year, she, within
(02:36):
the last few months, have beensolely dependent on us both and
it has been a struggle andadjustment for all of us.
Your podcast sheds light onwhat all caregivers of the world
have gone through on a dailybasis.
She gave a shout out to episode239 with Kathy Gregory.
Kathy if you're listening kudosWas so amazing and an eye
(02:59):
opening when she explained thethree I's of caregiving.
She says thank you for being anadvocate for us and making me
feel seen Well.
Thank you, sabrina, for sendingin this message to us today.
I am sending you all thepositive vibes, the warm hugs
and the resilience to keep goingon, and I feel that this
(03:23):
episode today may help you alittle bit, since we're going to
be talking about and exploringthe ups and downs we feel as
caregivers when our loved one isgoing through chronic illness,
a terminal disease or an agingparent, all of these meaning
that we know what the endresults are going to be.
(03:46):
It could be a long journey andthey probably most likely will
never be better, especially likeyou're dealing with an aging
parent or terminal illness.
You, as a caregiver, try tomaintain your empathetic care, a
positive attitude in youroverall health during this
journey.
But let me just come out andsay it's hard, isn't it?
(04:10):
It's damn hard to go ahead andkeep going when your loved one
is dealing with this chronicillness, terminal disease or an
aging parent that is diminishing.
This past week was one of thosehard weeks for me.
We were waiting on his bonemarrow biopsy.
(04:31):
He had it done on January 9thand our consultation wasn't
until the 14th and we were justhoping that we would see the
results before, but we didn't.
We ended up going into thedoctor on the 14th of January
and he had said doctor had saidwe have good news the Hodgkin's
(04:52):
that is being treated forchemotherapy is showing very
little traces in his bone marrow.
We were excited but it wasn'ttackling the non-Hodgkins and
the non-Hodgkins is now at 30%.
Well, the stem cell transplantdoctor that we saw said that the
(05:15):
non-Hodgkins had to be at 10%or less for us to proceed on,
which means that was adevastating blow for us.
So Dennis can't move forwardwith his transplant and needs to
continue his infusion or his IVchemotherapy and now has to add
(05:36):
chemotherapy pills.
It was just like we got a punchin the face and this leaves us
with so much uncertainty andfrustration and nobody can
really tell us what the outcomeis going to be.
Will the chemotherapy pillswork?
We're hoping so.
(05:56):
Science says it will.
How much longer will he have todo both of these to keep?
Will he have to do both ofthese to keep because he can't
stop the chemotherapy, becausethe Hodgkin's is extremely
aggressive, and will he be ableto sustain all of this?
And will the transplant happen?
(06:18):
Now it's all of theseuncertainties and doubts,
uncertainties and doubts.
It took me a few days ofterrible sadness, frustration,
anger.
Dennis and I had lots ofconversations about our feelings
, where each of us were at andthe not so fun futuristic
(06:38):
discussions of you know how longis this going to take?
We had financial discussions.
We had what if it doesn't work?
Discussions.
It was hard.
When I was sitting in the thickof it.
I went through what I call the Iwants and the I wishes.
(07:00):
Let me share some of these withyou, and I know you probably
have some of these thoughtsyourself or have had these.
I was journaling these out justso you know.
The first sets were aboutfreedom in life.
I want to be free and I want tohave a life.
I just want to.
(07:20):
I want to have a life.
I want to be able to go out andhave a good time versus having
our outing be going to thedoctor's office all the time.
The big outing that we havetoday is to go sit in a doctor's
office.
I want to give my money toother things.
(07:40):
I am tired of giving all of myor all of Dennis and my
hard-earned money to doctors, tohospitals, to pharmacies.
I am so tired of that.
But you know, that's the cardswe were dealt.
Another set of ones were onhope.
I just have this wants andwishes and hopes that my loved
(08:03):
one will be better.
I'm hoping that the next drugthey give him will cure his
cancer.
When I was dealing with my mom,I was hoping that that
radiation therapy was going tocure her lung cancer, or I was
hoping that the therapy and theantidepressants were going to
cure her depression.
So you know you'd have those.
(08:26):
And then I went into what Iwanted for my well-being.
I want to feel more than justsadness and frustration.
I want to enjoy life and behappy.
I just I want it.
I, you know, I wish I had moreenergy too.
I wish I had more energy toobecause you know that that's my
(08:46):
word of the year because whenI'm in this downward state, it
just sucks my energy out of meand you have to go through it,
and I'll talk about this in asecond.
You have to process it, but youcan't stay there.
I wish I just could get awaytoo, and I want to get away
(09:07):
without guilt and worry.
But when is the right time toget away?
Right now, when we're in themidst of the thick.
You know I want to rediscoverwho I am outside of being a
caregiver.
You know, you go to the grocerystore, right?
You go to the grocery store,you go somewhere maybe it's
(09:28):
church or whatever and they seeyou and they don't see your
loved one with you.
And what do they say?
How is Dennis doing?
They don't ask you very much.
They don't say how are youdoing?
Or, if they do, do you want tojust hug them?
I want to reconnect with mypersonal relationships, my own
(09:51):
identity and my own interests.
So those are some of the thingsthat I just journaled out
because I had to get them off mychest.
I had to just take a sip ofwater here once.
If you feel this way, or youhave other wishes or wants, I
want you to know you are notalone, my friend.
(10:12):
You are not alone.
It's not selfish to want foryourself.
It's essential to sustain yourgiving spirit.
You have to sustain it, andit's not selfish, though, to
want for yourself.
You know there's a stat outthere and I think the stat is
(10:33):
really low from NationalAlliance for Caregiving.
It says 53% of caregiversreport their own health suffers
due to caregiving.
I think that is so low.
I know caregivers out therethat probably haven't gone to
the doctor, that are sufferingwith their own health and
well-being and probably don'tadmit it.
(10:55):
But you know, think about it.
How many of you have sufferedfrom stress or body aches or
gotten sick or, you know, havegained weight or lost weight or
not eating well, whatever itwould be.
You know there are a lot of usout there and I like to share
that stat because you are notalone.
(11:17):
Okay, so this is what I did whenI actually journaled all of my.
I sat and processed it for acouple of days, my sadness you
know how I felt and then, at acertain point, I just shook my
body out of it and I realized,after those days of processing,
(11:38):
I knew I had to go ahead andaccept the reality of the
situation and figure out what todo.
And it sounds so much easiersaid than done.
Because inside my mind, when Igot to this point and I said,
kathy, you have to figure outyour reality and accept it, I
(12:00):
was still bucking it.
I was bucking it like a toddlerhaving a tantrum.
I was and this is what I wasthinking, and I'm going to kind
of do it like a toddler would.
Why is this happening to me?
Why is this continuing tohappen?
I just want to be better.
(12:20):
We pay all this money forhealth insurance and care and no
one can heal Dennis.
Kicking and screaming, that'swhat I felt.
Like a toddler on the floor,kicking and screaming and just
saying why, why, why, and Idon't want to do this anymore
and I don't, and somebody shouldbe able to fix this right.
(12:44):
But you and I know that stayingin the state of mind will not
make things better.
It's actually going to rob usof our joy, rob us of the good
things and rob us, mostimportantly, of our health.
Yeah, and so we have to controlit.
So you have to move toacceptance.
(13:05):
It's one of the mostsignificant struggles we face
accepting life's current state.
It's hard for me to acceptDennis's current state.
We're moving into almost sevenand a half years and so we're
moving into this.
(13:26):
And when it comes to your lovedone, dealing with chronic
illnesses, terminal illnesses oraging parents, we have to
accept it.
We have to accept the reality.
You know the metaphor when lifegives you lemons, you're
supposed to make lemonade.
Do you know that?
(13:47):
And if you would have told methis when I was doing this piece
, I would have just like okay,if life throws me lemons, I'm
going to throw them right backat you.
I'm going to throw them rightback at you.
But what if the lemons neverstop falling, my friend?
Lemons never stop falling, myfriend.
What if every day brings a newchallenge, a new burden, making
(14:17):
it impossible to catch yourbreath and find that moment to
make your own lemonade?
Terminal illness, aging parents, alzheimer's, mls, cancer,
brain cancer I'm probablymissing, you know, waiting on a
(14:38):
donation or waiting on atransplant, you know waiting for
a donor.
You know it feels that way.
The lemons represent the ongoingresponsibilities we carry, the
emotional strain and thephysical demands that never seem
to cease.
Demands that never seem tocease, whether it's managing
(15:01):
medical appointments, providingdaily care or dealing with the
emotional toll of watching yourloved one decline.
The challenges are continuousand that's your reality, or
that's my reality right now.
That was my reality watching mydad, watching my mom.
Right now, I feel this worryingabout everything, which is
(15:22):
exhausting and emotionallydrained.
Can you relate?
So what I had to do is find away, and so I wanted to lean
into ways to build resilience,to cope and find small amounts
of joy.
I had to go back and dust offsome of the talks that I did on
(15:46):
this podcast about small momentsof joy.
If you are here, I suggest youbrainstorm what works for you,
too.
What can bring you joy?
Storm what works for you, too.
What can bring you joy?
Just take a piece of paper.
What is going to work right nowfor you?
You may not be able to takethis luxurious vacation due to
financial situations, or youcan't leave your loved one due
(16:09):
to their illness for longperiods of time.
Maybe it's joining a supportgroup, maybe it's going back to
therapy, maybe it's taking ayoga class.
Things that worked in the past,though, remember, may need to
be adjusted or tweaked.
I certainly realize this.
(16:31):
For me, I continue to have mycalls with my sister or
FaceTimes with my sister.
During the week, I talk to mygirlfriend Julie, we go bowling.
I have accountability partnersin my business and so I realized
(16:51):
that I needed to have differenttalks with my friends and my
sister.
My spouse and I are havingdifferent conversations right
now, and when I say differentI'm like they're helping me
through some of the issues, butthen I say okay, I'm setting
some boundaries, to say, can wetalk about a fun thing or can we
(17:13):
?
You know, like my sister and Italked about our past, we talked
about some funny things.
Tell me a time when you, likemy grandson, got, we had really
bad ice and my little grandsondidn't think about waiting for
the bus and watching the ice andso he fell and he scunned his
(17:35):
front of his face up really bad.
And so my sister and I weretalking about tell me about a
time when your kids got hurt bad, and so she was sharing some
stories about those bumps andbruises your kids get and we
were laughing at some of themand we were reminiscing and it
just brought us to a differentplace.
(18:03):
I've also taken up now paintingfor fun right now.
When Dennis was in a stem celltransplant, I did adult coloring
because I could just kind ofcolor and do stuff.
Well, I went out and boughtthis paint by number thing and
it's really cool, but I wantedsomething where I didn't have to
do too much creatively andthink so it's easier to just
(18:24):
pick out the number sevens, findthe paint that's labeled number
seven and go paint in all thenumber sevens and then go on to
the number eight and paint innumber eight.
It's easier, but I'm findingthat it's like I can do this for
hours.
I'm putting down my phone, I'mforgetting about everything, and
(18:45):
so that has helped, and I'vealso I should have probably said
this earlier I'm leaning intoother caregivers this time and
leaning into prior interviewsthat I had and asking them
questions about you know, do youhave any suggestions?
And he went like Dr JJ or Helenfrom the Heart of Hospice and
(19:08):
just asking them questions onwhat do you have for suggestions
for me?
So yeah, so just remember thatsometimes the greatest act of
love is just finding your spirit, is letting yourself rest,
letting yourself find out whatyou need to fill your joy, and
(19:32):
so you have to go ahead andbrainstorm these out.
Accepting your current state oflife while caregiving is
undeniably tough, especiallywhen the challenges seem never,
never ending.
But even in the midst of therelentless lemons and you just
want to throw them back andyou're tired of making lemonade.
(19:52):
Finding ways to nurture yourown well-being can make a
significant difference.
I mean just simple things likea while back, my sister and I
went to a movie.
It was just a little time toget away.
Sure, I was worried, but youknow what?
I'm only a phone call away Now.
(20:14):
Accepting our reality is a hugestep, but it's just the
beginning, when we then need totransition to those steps of
commitment to our own personalwell-being and our own personal
care, and so that's an importantpiece during this time.
Like I said, for me it'sadjusting and tweaking.
(20:35):
Now I had to assess what'sworking, like my walks and
gratitude journaling, but Irealized I needed conversations,
I needed therapy, I neededquiet time.
My son said something to methis weekend.
We went and saw mygranddaughter's play and it was
(20:55):
really, really good, but he hadsaid that the disease and
caregiving can consume yourinner identity.
It becomes your identity, andit was like, oh, that's an aha
moment.
So this transition isn't justabout finding time for ourselves
.
It's about redefining who weare, beyond the caregiving roles
(21:18):
, and overcoming the emotionalbarriers that come with us, and
I had to reflect on what I do intimes of challenges.
I really had to and workthrough how I process them and
teach myself how to let go ofthe unhealthy emotions, thoughts
and feelings, what, you know,do I really need to go ahead?
(21:41):
And, you know, beat myself upfor not going ahead and doing my
workout this morning because Iwas sad.
Instead could I just have mycup of coffee and sit, those
kind of things.
Here are some thoughts toconsider and I love these and I
(22:01):
just kind of pulled thesetogether in no random order, but
then I'm going to give you oneand then I'm going to give you
an example.
You know, think about the bondyou share with your loved one,
which is deep and enduring.
The emotional attachment makesit incredibly difficult to
distance yourself, even when youknow it's necessary for your
(22:22):
own well-being to get away.
Letting go, whether it'sphysically, whether it's more
often, even temporarily, canfeel like betraying that bond,
and I was just reminded of thisthis week, again, I didn't
(22:43):
Dennis had two days, or lastweek, dennis had two days of
chemotherapy.
The first day involves labs,doctor and one of the drugs in
his chemotherapy infusion he hadan allergic reaction to, and so
I want to be there for day oneand sit with him and what I do
is I go to the cafeteria and buyhim a meal while he's getting
(23:07):
just his low dose drugs, and sohe gets a good meal in him
before the tough stuff hits.
And so we have a meal together,side by side in the infusion
chair, and I bring it in for him.
But on day two I don't go in.
It's only an hour and a half.
I don't go in because he goes,walks right to the infusion
(23:32):
chair, he gets the nurse thatgoes ahead and does his pre-meds
and then he gets his onechemotherapy drug and I drop him
off at the door and I pick himup at the door.
He usually sleeps during thattime.
But I need that hour, hour anda half, for myself.
(23:52):
I do, I do, and this time whatI did is I went to Target and I
bought rugs for my bathroom andjust walked around and snooped
and then came back and I waitedin the car.
I could have walked in, but formy own health and well-being I
(24:14):
wanted to release myself fromthat day.
He's got the care.
So I did that and I'm trainingmyself to do that more.
I did that during Dennis's stemcell transplant therapy too.
As he improved, I didn't needto be there every day.
(24:35):
Another thing I want to talkabout is this fear.
There's a fear that by takingtime for yourself, you might
neglect your loved one or thatthey might suffer more.
This fear can be paralyzing andmake it hard to take the first
step towards personalfulfillment.
You know, like I said, why dowe fear taking time for ourself?
(25:02):
Getting away?
Can we have somebody visit yourloved one and then you get away
?
Can we go to that movie with myfriend or my sister, knowing
that you know we go at the righttime, where Dennis is usually
taking a nap or it's.
(25:22):
You know he's had a good seasonor a week for his chemotherapy
and I have my phone.
I have my phone, I can put iton vibrate so if something would
go wrong, I'm not that far away.
You know, trying to go aheadand I almost say, try to do
short things and small things,that you're kind of testing the
(25:44):
boundaries and then you're goingto grow and grow and grow.
Another one is I want to talkabout this grieving piece where
we're grieving, relationshipchanges as your caregiver role
evolves, so does yourrelationship with your loved one
, you might grieve the loss ofthe dynamics you once had,
(26:05):
whether it was more carefree ormore equal.
Adjusting to these changes is asignificant emotional hurdle.
I know I could probably rattleoff 50 things that I grieve
about my relationship withDennis right now.
I mean, there are so manythings like the strength he had.
I'm struggling with this onethe most.
(26:27):
This has been something I sweepunder the rug a lot.
I miss going out more often.
I miss being active with him.
He would be the one where Iwould have to go ahead and try
to keep up with him.
I mean, I'm only five foot twoand he's five foot 11.
So, and when we would go to thegym together, he would be the
(26:51):
competitive one.
I miss the intimacy that we had.
Right now I'm grieving it butalso embracing that this hurt is
just our strong love that wehave and I'm not going to go
ahead and grieve it as sadness.
I'm just going to grieve it asoh yeah, that's the love
(27:14):
memories that I need to go aheadand take care of.
I keep journaling gratitude forall of those reminders and
memories and the way my brain istelling me and I'm looking at
the new joy and praying on it.
Just the conversations and thethings that he says.
(27:39):
Oh, it's going to make me cry,so I don't want to take too much
of this bit.
Just the things that he says.
I'm worried about leaving you,he says, because there's so much
to handle in this house for you.
I'm worried about what's goingto happen to you.
And as much as it makes me sad,it is pure love and pure joy
(28:08):
that's coming out of his mouthright now.
It's a new type of intimacythat we have.
Now I can't even see my notesbecause my eyes are watering so
much, but you know, this is whatit is.
This is part of the processthat we go through.
(28:28):
So now, how do I transition tothe next thing?
But caregiving can sometimesovershadow our personal
interests and hobbies too, andso I'm changing pieces here and
I'm really struggling with it.
But we need to go ahead andredefine our personal identity
(28:50):
as well.
Do you get this?
You see someone in the storeand they like say, or your
neighbor outside and I said thisbefore, I talked about this
before but they say you say hi,and usually I see my neighbor
and I'm like gosh, gosh, yourlawn looks amazing.
It looks great.
Or I see the neighbor down thestreet with the dogs and I'm
(29:12):
like how are those fur babies?
I see them barking at methrough the window and I'm
always smiling because I feellike they're saying hi to me and
the first words that they sayis how is Dennis doing?
And your identity right now is acaregiver.
Is your identity dual?
(29:35):
Do you identify as somethingelse as well?
Are you proud that you're acaregiver?
Hopefully you are, but you alsowant to be recognized as
another person or as your ownperson.
So maybe you are thinking about.
(29:55):
You can tell I'm having a hardtime recouping this, but bear
with me, friend, bear with me.
Let's say there's another waythat you now figure out your new
identity, or you figure out howyou can build your identity as
a caregiver.
Maybe you think about I'm goingto go to that lunch that I'm
(30:16):
invited to or that fundraiserthat you're passionate about, or
you deny that because you can'tas a caregiver.
Or you deny that because youcan't as a caregiver.
What if you really thoughtabout it?
And you can and you should goto that.
Or maybe you've sang in thechoir and you've said no for the
(30:38):
last six months because of yourloved one and realize you know
what.
I can figure out a way.
I'm going to go on Sundays andI'm going to plan on Sundays.
I just have to figure out whatneeds to be done from a
caregiving perspective, andpeople see you now as the choir
(30:59):
singer and a caregiver.
Now it's hard to rediscover whatmakes you happy outside of
caregiving too.
So you're going to startworking on that as well, because
, remember, your loved ones isin a position where it's chronic
, they're aging, and this isreally hard for me to say.
(31:21):
You're not giving up on yourcaregiving, but you're trying to
build your identity outside ofcaregiving as well, because you
know eventually what the outcomecould be.
Now it's time to discover whatmakes you happy outside of
caregiving, whether it'spainting, hiking, reading.
(31:42):
I have to rediscover what I cando, because my spouse can't do
everything anymore.
So I have to rediscover what Ican do because my spouse can't
do everything anymore.
So I have to rediscover thatReconnecting with these
activities can help you rebuildyour sense of self.
You've probably pushed away orlost connections with others as
well.
Maybe you have to reestablishthose connections or find new
(32:06):
connections now.
Maybe it's time.
I think that my girlfriendJulie did that with me with
bowling.
She knew that when and this wasin the midst of hospice care
for my mom she knew that Ineeded an outlet.
She knew that I needed to goahead and have these connections
(32:28):
because my mom was in hospice.
Reconnecting with friends andfamily outside of your
caregiving role is going to beessential.
These relationships provide asupport system that reminds you
of who you are beyond being acaregiver as well, and they're a
(32:49):
good resource to have you knowand a support system to have
during the process as well.
But it's nice to be able to sayoh, I can't wait to go ahead
and hear you know my friend'sstory of how her job interview
went and I can't wait to go tolunch to find out you know how
(33:09):
her new career and whatever isgoing you know, so you can go
ahead and be able to do that.
Now there's going to be a momentof coping with fear and guilt
during this time, especiallywhen your loved one's dealing
with intense challenges andyou're going through this.
But it's natural to feel guiltyfor wanting time for yourself.
(33:31):
It's natural to feel this guilt.
You might worry that taking abreak means you're not fully
committed to your loved one'scare, and that is so, so wrong.
However, self-care isn'tselfish.
It's a necessity for sustainingyour ability to care
effectively and to be presentand get rid of the sadness once
(33:57):
in a while and be able torelease that and then come back
to your loved one with apositive or a different shift in
your thoughts.
And another point I want tomake is it's about your fear,
and fear that personalfulfillment equates to
neglecting your loved one iscommon, and prioritizing your
(34:19):
well-being ensures that youremain strong and present.
It's about finding a balancethat honors both your needs and
their needs, and so releasingthat fear and guilt is something
that you want to work on.
So let's talk about how you cannavigate this season, and I have
(34:41):
some practical steps that Ithink is going to really help
you.
First of all, acknowledge yourfeelings.
Just acknowledge how you'refeeling.
Recognize and accept theemotions you're experiencing.
If you're crabby today, sayokay, I'm not myself today.
Why Be your own therapist?
(35:02):
It's okay to feel conflictedand acknowledge these feelings,
and acknowledging these feelingsis the first steps towards
healing.
Then you're going to want to setboundaries, and establish clear
boundaries can help youallocate time for yourself
without feeling guilty.
Like I said before, test it, dosomething, do a little bit.
(35:25):
You know, my clear boundary isa walk, do a little bit.
My clear boundary is a walk.
My clear boundary is nineo'clock bedtime.
Unless something is, I want tostay up and watch, but I've
really done that.
My clear boundary is makingtime for my sister's calls,
making time for my bowling time.
(35:45):
Now it's you know, I'm going totake time and paint.
This might mean schedulingregular breaks or delegating
certain caregiving tasks toothers.
You know, when I was caregivingfor my mom, it was like I
needed to have clear boundariesto go ahead and recharge.
(36:07):
And so I would ask my brotherhey, can you take mom here today
, or can you visit her today, orwhatever it would be, so I
could have a break, okay.
The next one is so we haveacknowledge your feelings, set
boundaries.
Third one is seek support.
Joining support groups orseeking professional counseling
(36:31):
can provide you with the tools,encouragement, needed to
navigate this season.
Yeah, and if you're the personthat finds therapy helpful, do
it.
If you're the person that lovesgroup support, do it.
If you're not, find a confident, find another caregiver, find a
(36:54):
close friend, tell them whatyou need and tell them that you
want to go ahead and bounce somethoughts off of them.
Sharing your experiences withothers who understand can be
incredibly healing.
Make sure that if you are doingit with a friend, though, tell
them.
You know I want you to listen.
(37:14):
This is the only thing is.
You don't have to solve myproblem.
I don't want you to solveanything.
I don't want you to carry theguilt of or the sadness that I'm
sharing.
I just want you to listen, andyou know so you need to go ahead
and figure out where yoursupport is going to be.
(37:35):
Number four is reconnect yourpassions.
We had talked about this.
Dedicate time to activitiesthat bring you joy and
fulfillment, whether it's ahobby you once loved or
something new.
These activities can help yourediscover your personal
identity, whatever it would be.
Test things out, try a group,try something new.
(37:57):
Rebuild relationships is numberfive.
Reconnect with family andfriends who support you outside
of your caregiving.
These relationships can boostyour emotional well-being.
Number six and you probably seethis a lot from me is look at
inspiring quotes, and reallylook at those, and maybe it's
(38:23):
affirmations or quotes, buthere's one you owe yourself the
love that you see freely Imessed it up.
You owe yourself love that youso freely give to others.
Yeah, you owe yourself thatlove.
Yeah, and I have, like I saidin previous podcasts, I have
(38:48):
quotes, I have a quote flipcalendar, I have quotes of the
day sent to me.
I have words throughout myhouse, on posters, on boards, on
pictures, that sort of thing.
Keep feeding yourself whateverinspiration you need.
Maybe your inspiration isn't aquote, maybe it's you listen to
(39:09):
somebody, maybe it's a dailyprayer, whatever it would be,
because, according to theAmerican Psychology Association,
60% of caregivers experiencesignificant levels of stress,
significant levels of stress,and to combat that, you have to
find inspiration Now.
(39:31):
To close, today, as we wrap uptoday, I want to leave you with
some heartfelt encouragement.
Being a caregiver is a journeyfilled with immense love,
dedication and, at times,overwhelming challenges.
It's the rewards, but it's alsoall of the challenges.
(39:51):
It's essential to remember thatit's okay to feel the full
range of emotions that come withthis role, and boy you and I
have.
We felt them right.
Itestruck, I'm awestruck at howthis journey has taught me so
(40:12):
much about myself.
I know you feel the same way.
But, first and foremost, I wantyou.
When you're in this situation.
I want you to grant yourselfgrace.
Give yourself the grace toprocess everything you're
experiencing.
Don't push it away.
Don't think it's somethingwrong with yourself.
It's natural to feel a mix ofemotions sadness, frustration,
(40:37):
anger, resentment, hope and evenmoments of joy.
But recognizing and acceptingthese thoughts and feelings, you
honor your own humility and theincredible strength you possess
.
Once you've knowledge whereyou're at emotionally, take a
moment to reflect.
Think about the small steps youcan take to adjust and refine
(41:00):
your own well-being during thischallenging time.
It might be as simple asdedicating 10 minutes a day to a
hobby you love.
Maybe you love to crochet,maybe you love to watch a comedy
.
Reaching out to a friend for aheartfelt conversation might be
(41:22):
another one.
Or practice mindfulness tocenter your thoughts, whether
it's prayer, meditation, yoga.
Rebuilding your identity outsideof caregiving is a gradual
process, but it's entirelypossible.
My friend, start by findingmoments of joy and resilience in
your daily life, whether it'spainting, walking in nature,
(41:46):
reading a book.
Whether it's painting, walkingin nature, reading a book, these
activities can help youreconnect with who you are and
beyond your caregiving role.
Remember, seeking joy andfulfillment for yourself doesn't
diminish your love or yourdedication as a caregiver.
In fact, it enhances yourability to provide care with a
(42:09):
resilient and compassionateheart.
By nurturing your ownwell-being, you're not only
sustaining your giving spirit,but also creating a healthier
and more balanced life for bothyourself and your loved one more
balanced life for both yourselfand your loved one.
You are not alone on thisjourney.
(42:30):
Reach out, I'm a text away.
Share your story.
Lean on supportive networksthat you have or other
caregivers.
I love the fact that those twofan mail Sabrina and the other
person.
They were looking for resourcesand they found this podcast.
(42:54):
I'm working on something inspring that I'm going to go
ahead and bring back a communityagain.
I did it way back, oh gosh, twoyears ago.
It was the Caregiver Circle.
Well, that's going to be comingback in a different way.
It's going to be outside of thesocial media posts which we all
(43:19):
fear because we don't wantother people to read ours, and
I'm going to be working on that.
But together we can create acommunity of caregivers who
uplift and empower one another.
So stay tuned on that.
But together we can create acommunity of caregivers who
uplift and empower one another,so stay tuned for that.
So, as I end today, I want tofirst of all thank you for
joining me on this episode.
You heard my flubs, you heardmy cries, you heard my sniffles.
(43:41):
I don't edit this podcastbecause it has to be authentic,
it has to be real, it has to bejust Kathy talking to you.
It's not something that'sformal.
So thank you for joining theCaregiver Cup podcast.
I want to say, if you found thishelpful, if you haven't already
(44:02):
followed me, hit that followbutton and get it every week
from me.
I haven't missed a week in fourplus years, so I'm always going
to be your solid person herethat you can listen to.
If you have requests don'tforget that that text message is
there you can go ahead and dothat.
And if you wouldn't mind tohelp me get this out to more
(44:26):
caregivers, if you write areview or share it with others,
that's going to help metremendously.
So, to end today, take a deepbreath, be kind to yourself and
remember that every small stepyou take towards your own
well-being is a victory.
Right now, if you were able towash your face and brush your
(44:49):
teeth this morning and youcouldn't do it yesterday, that's
a victory.
If you were able to go aheadand take a walk around the block
, that's a victory.
So until next time, my friend,stay strong, take care and
remember filling your cup firstis the most important love that
(45:09):
you can give to your loved oneand to yourself.
We'll talk to you again nextweek, my friend.
Bye for now.
Hello, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
It's Kathy here.
I am so glad you're joining metoday and I'm hoping that your
caregiver journey is going wellthis week and if it's not, I
think I've got some words ofwisdom for you in this podcast
episode.
(00:20):
But if it is going good for you, embrace it.
Embrace it, because we knowchallenges are just going to
happen.
Well, before we get started, Iwanted to give a shout out to a
couple of you who sent thosetext messages that you can click
the link at the bottom of apodcast episode and send me a
message, a question, a comment,your story, whatever you want to
(00:46):
do, and I'm going to share acouple of these today because I
haven't shared them in a while.
But I wanted to go and give ashout out to the person that
sent in from Anaheim.
She said she's a first timelistener.
I'm so glad that I found youand that it came just at the
right time for kicking off 2025.
She says I've been a caregiversince 2012 to my husband who has
(01:09):
brain cancer.
Kudos to you for going aheadand finding me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am so glad that you'refinding these helpful and oh my
gosh helpful.
And oh my gosh, you're over adecade into caregiving and I
(01:30):
want to go ahead and just giveyou a virtual hug and tell you
that you're not alone, and Iknow this journey isn't easy and
I'm hoping that you can findmoments of joy and memorable
moments for you and your husband.
Okay, here's another one.
I'm bringing them up on myemail.
This one is this person gave usher name because the app does
(01:52):
not.
The text does not give me yourname or it does not give me your
phone number.
It just gives me your last fourdigits and the location that
your phone number is serviced in.
And this one is fromPorterville, california.
Her name is Sabrina.
She's a 32-year-old caregivermom out in California.
(02:13):
She said I came across yourpodcast on the Apple app in
search of help and resources onthis new journey of mine.
I, along with my dad, have beena witness to my mom's long
battle with multiple chronicillnesses and just recently have
had to make significant changes.
Since her health took a big hitin the past year, she, within
(02:36):
the last few months, have beensolely dependent on us both and
it has been a struggle andadjustment for all of us.
Your podcast sheds light onwhat all caregivers of the world
have gone through on a dailybasis.
She gave a shout out to episode239 with Kathy Gregory.
Kathy if you're listening kudosWas so amazing and an eye
(02:59):
opening when she explained thethree I's of caregiving.
She says thank you for being anadvocate for us and making me
feel seen Well.
Thank you, sabrina, for sendingin this message to us today.
I am sending you all thepositive vibes, the warm hugs
and the resilience to keep goingon, and I feel that this
(03:23):
episode today may help you alittle bit, since we're going to
be talking about and exploringthe ups and downs we feel as
caregivers when our loved one isgoing through chronic illness,
a terminal disease or an agingparent, all of these meaning
that we know what the endresults are going to be.
(03:46):
It could be a long journey andthey probably most likely will
never be better, especially likeyou're dealing with an aging
parent or terminal illness.
You, as a caregiver, try tomaintain your empathetic care, a
positive attitude in youroverall health during this
journey.
But let me just come out andsay it's hard, isn't it?
(04:10):
It's damn hard to go ahead andkeep going when your loved one
is dealing with this chronicillness, terminal disease or an
aging parent that is diminishing.
This past week was one of thosehard weeks for me.
We were waiting on his bonemarrow biopsy.
(04:31):
He had it done on January 9thand our consultation wasn't
until the 14th and we were justhoping that we would see the
results before, but we didn't.
We ended up going into thedoctor on the 14th of January
and he had said doctor had saidwe have good news the Hodgkin's
(04:52):
that is being treated forchemotherapy is showing very
little traces in his bone marrow.
We were excited but it wasn'ttackling the non-Hodgkins and
the non-Hodgkins is now at 30%.
Well, the stem cell transplantdoctor that we saw said that the
(05:15):
non-Hodgkins had to be at 10%or less for us to proceed on,
which means that was adevastating blow for us.
So Dennis can't move forwardwith his transplant and needs to
continue his infusion or his IVchemotherapy and now has to add
(05:36):
chemotherapy pills.
It was just like we got a punchin the face and this leaves us
with so much uncertainty andfrustration and nobody can
really tell us what the outcomeis going to be.
Will the chemotherapy pillswork?
We're hoping so.
(05:56):
Science says it will.
How much longer will he have todo both of these to keep?
Will he have to do both ofthese to keep because he can't
stop the chemotherapy, becausethe Hodgkin's is extremely
aggressive, and will he be ableto sustain all of this?
And will the transplant happen?
(06:18):
Now it's all of theseuncertainties and doubts,
uncertainties and doubts.
It took me a few days ofterrible sadness, frustration,
anger.
Dennis and I had lots ofconversations about our feelings
, where each of us were at andthe not so fun futuristic
(06:38):
discussions of you know how longis this going to take?
We had financial discussions.
We had what if it doesn't work?
Discussions.
It was hard.
When I was sitting in the thickof it.
I went through what I call the Iwants and the I wishes.
(07:00):
Let me share some of these withyou, and I know you probably
have some of these thoughtsyourself or have had these.
I was journaling these out justso you know.
The first sets were aboutfreedom in life.
I want to be free and I want tohave a life.
I just want to.
(07:20):
I want to have a life.
I want to be able to go out andhave a good time versus having
our outing be going to thedoctor's office all the time.
The big outing that we havetoday is to go sit in a doctor's
office.
I want to give my money toother things.
(07:40):
I am tired of giving all of myor all of Dennis and my
hard-earned money to doctors, tohospitals, to pharmacies.
I am so tired of that.
But you know, that's the cardswe were dealt.
Another set of ones were onhope.
I just have this wants andwishes and hopes that my loved
(08:03):
one will be better.
I'm hoping that the next drugthey give him will cure his
cancer.
When I was dealing with my mom,I was hoping that that
radiation therapy was going tocure her lung cancer, or I was
hoping that the therapy and theantidepressants were going to
cure her depression.
So you know you'd have those.
(08:26):
And then I went into what Iwanted for my well-being.
I want to feel more than justsadness and frustration.
I want to enjoy life and behappy.
I just I want it.
I, you know, I wish I had moreenergy too.
I wish I had more energy toobecause you know that that's my
(08:46):
word of the year because whenI'm in this downward state, it
just sucks my energy out of meand you have to go through it,
and I'll talk about this in asecond.
You have to process it, but youcan't stay there.
I wish I just could get awaytoo, and I want to get away
(09:07):
without guilt and worry.
But when is the right time toget away?
Right now, when we're in themidst of the thick.
You know I want to rediscoverwho I am outside of being a
caregiver.
You know, you go to the grocerystore, right?
You go to the grocery store,you go somewhere maybe it's
(09:28):
church or whatever and they seeyou and they don't see your
loved one with you.
And what do they say?
How is Dennis doing?
They don't ask you very much.
They don't say how are youdoing?
Or, if they do, do you want tojust hug them?
I want to reconnect with mypersonal relationships, my own
(09:51):
identity and my own interests.
So those are some of the thingsthat I just journaled out
because I had to get them off mychest.
I had to just take a sip ofwater here once.
If you feel this way, or youhave other wishes or wants, I
want you to know you are notalone, my friend.
(10:12):
You are not alone.
It's not selfish to want foryourself.
It's essential to sustain yourgiving spirit.
You have to sustain it, andit's not selfish, though, to
want for yourself.
You know there's a stat outthere and I think the stat is
(10:33):
really low from NationalAlliance for Caregiving.
It says 53% of caregiversreport their own health suffers
due to caregiving.
I think that is so low.
I know caregivers out therethat probably haven't gone to
the doctor, that are sufferingwith their own health and
well-being and probably don'tadmit it.
(10:55):
But you know, think about it.
How many of you have sufferedfrom stress or body aches or
gotten sick or, you know, havegained weight or lost weight or
not eating well, whatever itwould be.
You know there are a lot of usout there and I like to share
that stat because you are notalone.
(11:17):
Okay, so this is what I did whenI actually journaled all of my.
I sat and processed it for acouple of days, my sadness you
know how I felt and then, at acertain point, I just shook my
body out of it and I realized,after those days of processing,
(11:38):
I knew I had to go ahead andaccept the reality of the
situation and figure out what todo.
And it sounds so much easiersaid than done.
Because inside my mind, when Igot to this point and I said,
kathy, you have to figure outyour reality and accept it, I
(12:00):
was still bucking it.
I was bucking it like a toddlerhaving a tantrum.
I was and this is what I wasthinking, and I'm going to kind
of do it like a toddler would.
Why is this happening to me?
Why is this continuing tohappen?
I just want to be better.
(12:20):
We pay all this money forhealth insurance and care and no
one can heal Dennis.
Kicking and screaming, that'swhat I felt.
Like a toddler on the floor,kicking and screaming and just
saying why, why, why, and Idon't want to do this anymore
and I don't, and somebody shouldbe able to fix this right.
(12:44):
But you and I know that stayingin the state of mind will not
make things better.
It's actually going to rob usof our joy, rob us of the good
things and rob us, mostimportantly, of our health.
Yeah, and so we have to controlit.
So you have to move toacceptance.
(13:05):
It's one of the mostsignificant struggles we face
accepting life's current state.
It's hard for me to acceptDennis's current state.
We're moving into almost sevenand a half years and so we're
moving into this.
(13:26):
And when it comes to your lovedone, dealing with chronic
illnesses, terminal illnesses oraging parents, we have to
accept it.
We have to accept the reality.
You know the metaphor when lifegives you lemons, you're
supposed to make lemonade.
Do you know that?
(13:47):
And if you would have told methis when I was doing this piece
, I would have just like okay,if life throws me lemons, I'm
going to throw them right backat you.
I'm going to throw them rightback at you.
But what if the lemons neverstop falling, my friend?
Lemons never stop falling, myfriend.
What if every day brings a newchallenge, a new burden, making
(14:17):
it impossible to catch yourbreath and find that moment to
make your own lemonade?
Terminal illness, aging parents, alzheimer's, mls, cancer,
brain cancer I'm probablymissing, you know, waiting on a
(14:38):
donation or waiting on atransplant, you know waiting for
a donor.
You know it feels that way.
The lemons represent the ongoingresponsibilities we carry, the
emotional strain and thephysical demands that never seem
to cease.
Demands that never seem tocease, whether it's managing
(15:01):
medical appointments, providingdaily care or dealing with the
emotional toll of watching yourloved one decline.
The challenges are continuousand that's your reality, or
that's my reality right now.
That was my reality watching mydad, watching my mom.
Right now, I feel this worryingabout everything, which is
(15:22):
exhausting and emotionallydrained.
Can you relate?
So what I had to do is find away, and so I wanted to lean
into ways to build resilience,to cope and find small amounts
of joy.
I had to go back and dust offsome of the talks that I did on
(15:46):
this podcast about small momentsof joy.
If you are here, I suggest youbrainstorm what works for you,
too.
What can bring you joy?
Storm what works for you, too.
What can bring you joy?
Just take a piece of paper.
What is going to work right nowfor you?
You may not be able to takethis luxurious vacation due to
financial situations, or youcan't leave your loved one due
(16:09):
to their illness for longperiods of time.
Maybe it's joining a supportgroup, maybe it's going back to
therapy, maybe it's taking ayoga class.
Things that worked in the past,though, remember, may need to
be adjusted or tweaked.
I certainly realize this.
(16:31):
For me, I continue to have mycalls with my sister or
FaceTimes with my sister.
During the week, I talk to mygirlfriend Julie, we go bowling.
I have accountability partnersin my business and so I realized
(16:51):
that I needed to have differenttalks with my friends and my
sister.
My spouse and I are havingdifferent conversations right
now, and when I say differentI'm like they're helping me
through some of the issues, butthen I say okay, I'm setting
some boundaries, to say, can wetalk about a fun thing or can we
(17:13):
?
You know, like my sister and Italked about our past, we talked
about some funny things.
Tell me a time when you, likemy grandson, got, we had really
bad ice and my little grandsondidn't think about waiting for
the bus and watching the ice andso he fell and he scunned his
(17:35):
front of his face up really bad.
And so my sister and I weretalking about tell me about a
time when your kids got hurt bad, and so she was sharing some
stories about those bumps andbruises your kids get and we
were laughing at some of themand we were reminiscing and it
just brought us to a differentplace.
(18:03):
I've also taken up now paintingfor fun right now.
When Dennis was in a stem celltransplant, I did adult coloring
because I could just kind ofcolor and do stuff.
Well, I went out and boughtthis paint by number thing and
it's really cool, but I wantedsomething where I didn't have to
do too much creatively andthink so it's easier to just
(18:24):
pick out the number sevens, findthe paint that's labeled number
seven and go paint in all thenumber sevens and then go on to
the number eight and paint innumber eight.
It's easier, but I'm findingthat it's like I can do this for
hours.
I'm putting down my phone, I'mforgetting about everything, and
(18:45):
so that has helped, and I'vealso I should have probably said
this earlier I'm leaning intoother caregivers this time and
leaning into prior interviewsthat I had and asking them
questions about you know, do youhave any suggestions?
And he went like Dr JJ or Helenfrom the Heart of Hospice and
(19:08):
just asking them questions onwhat do you have for suggestions
for me?
So yeah, so just remember thatsometimes the greatest act of
love is just finding your spirit, is letting yourself rest,
letting yourself find out whatyou need to fill your joy, and
(19:32):
so you have to go ahead andbrainstorm these out.
Accepting your current state oflife while caregiving is
undeniably tough, especiallywhen the challenges seem never,
never ending.
But even in the midst of therelentless lemons and you just
want to throw them back andyou're tired of making lemonade.
(19:52):
Finding ways to nurture yourown well-being can make a
significant difference.
I mean just simple things likea while back, my sister and I
went to a movie.
It was just a little time toget away.
Sure, I was worried, but youknow what?
I'm only a phone call away Now.
(20:14):
Accepting our reality is a hugestep, but it's just the
beginning, when we then need totransition to those steps of
commitment to our own personalwell-being and our own personal
care, and so that's an importantpiece during this time.
Like I said, for me it'sadjusting and tweaking.
(20:35):
Now I had to assess what'sworking, like my walks and
gratitude journaling, but Irealized I needed conversations,
I needed therapy, I neededquiet time.
My son said something to methis weekend.
We went and saw mygranddaughter's play and it was
(20:55):
really, really good, but he hadsaid that the disease and
caregiving can consume yourinner identity.
It becomes your identity, andit was like, oh, that's an aha
moment.
So this transition isn't justabout finding time for ourselves
.
It's about redefining who weare, beyond the caregiving roles
(21:18):
, and overcoming the emotionalbarriers that come with us, and
I had to reflect on what I do intimes of challenges.
I really had to and workthrough how I process them and
teach myself how to let go ofthe unhealthy emotions, thoughts
and feelings, what, you know,do I really need to go ahead?
(21:41):
And, you know, beat myself upfor not going ahead and doing my
workout this morning because Iwas sad.
Instead could I just have mycup of coffee and sit, those
kind of things.
Here are some thoughts toconsider and I love these and I
(22:01):
just kind of pulled thesetogether in no random order, but
then I'm going to give you oneand then I'm going to give you
an example.
You know, think about the bondyou share with your loved one,
which is deep and enduring.
The emotional attachment makesit incredibly difficult to
distance yourself, even when youknow it's necessary for your
(22:22):
own well-being to get away.
Letting go, whether it'sphysically, whether it's more
often, even temporarily, canfeel like betraying that bond,
and I was just reminded of thisthis week, again, I didn't
(22:43):
Dennis had two days, or lastweek, dennis had two days of
chemotherapy.
The first day involves labs,doctor and one of the drugs in
his chemotherapy infusion he hadan allergic reaction to, and so
I want to be there for day oneand sit with him and what I do
is I go to the cafeteria and buyhim a meal while he's getting
(23:07):
just his low dose drugs, and sohe gets a good meal in him
before the tough stuff hits.
And so we have a meal together,side by side in the infusion
chair, and I bring it in for him.
But on day two I don't go in.
It's only an hour and a half.
I don't go in because he goes,walks right to the infusion
(23:32):
chair, he gets the nurse thatgoes ahead and does his pre-meds
and then he gets his onechemotherapy drug and I drop him
off at the door and I pick himup at the door.
He usually sleeps during thattime.
But I need that hour, hour anda half, for myself.
(23:52):
I do, I do, and this time whatI did is I went to Target and I
bought rugs for my bathroom andjust walked around and snooped
and then came back and I waitedin the car.
I could have walked in, but formy own health and well-being I
(24:14):
wanted to release myself fromthat day.
He's got the care.
So I did that and I'm trainingmyself to do that more.
I did that during Dennis's stemcell transplant therapy too.
As he improved, I didn't needto be there every day.
(24:35):
Another thing I want to talkabout is this fear.
There's a fear that by takingtime for yourself, you might
neglect your loved one or thatthey might suffer more.
This fear can be paralyzing andmake it hard to take the first
step towards personalfulfillment.
You know, like I said, why dowe fear taking time for ourself?
(25:02):
Getting away?
Can we have somebody visit yourloved one and then you get away
?
Can we go to that movie with myfriend or my sister, knowing
that you know we go at the righttime, where Dennis is usually
taking a nap or it's.
(25:22):
You know he's had a good seasonor a week for his chemotherapy
and I have my phone.
I have my phone, I can put iton vibrate so if something would
go wrong, I'm not that far away.
You know, trying to go aheadand I almost say, try to do
short things and small things,that you're kind of testing the
(25:44):
boundaries and then you're goingto grow and grow and grow.
Another one is I want to talkabout this grieving piece where
we're grieving, relationshipchanges as your caregiver role
evolves, so does yourrelationship with your loved one
, you might grieve the loss ofthe dynamics you once had,
(26:05):
whether it was more carefree ormore equal.
Adjusting to these changes is asignificant emotional hurdle.
I know I could probably rattleoff 50 things that I grieve
about my relationship withDennis right now.
I mean, there are so manythings like the strength he had.
I'm struggling with this onethe most.
(26:27):
This has been something I sweepunder the rug a lot.
I miss going out more often.
I miss being active with him.
He would be the one where Iwould have to go ahead and try
to keep up with him.
I mean, I'm only five foot twoand he's five foot 11.
So, and when we would go to thegym together, he would be the
(26:51):
competitive one.
I miss the intimacy that we had.
Right now I'm grieving it butalso embracing that this hurt is
just our strong love that wehave and I'm not going to go
ahead and grieve it as sadness.
I'm just going to grieve it asoh yeah, that's the love
(27:14):
memories that I need to go aheadand take care of.
I keep journaling gratitude forall of those reminders and
memories and the way my brain istelling me and I'm looking at
the new joy and praying on it.
Just the conversations and thethings that he says.
(27:39):
Oh, it's going to make me cry,so I don't want to take too much
of this bit.
Just the things that he says.
I'm worried about leaving you,he says, because there's so much
to handle in this house for you.
I'm worried about what's goingto happen to you.
And as much as it makes me sad,it is pure love and pure joy
(28:08):
that's coming out of his mouthright now.
It's a new type of intimacythat we have.
Now I can't even see my notesbecause my eyes are watering so
much, but you know, this is whatit is.
This is part of the processthat we go through.
(28:28):
So now, how do I transition tothe next thing?
But caregiving can sometimesovershadow our personal
interests and hobbies too, andso I'm changing pieces here and
I'm really struggling with it.
But we need to go ahead andredefine our personal identity
(28:50):
as well.
Do you get this?
You see someone in the storeand they like say, or your
neighbor outside and I said thisbefore, I talked about this
before but they say you say hi,and usually I see my neighbor
and I'm like gosh, gosh, yourlawn looks amazing.
It looks great.
Or I see the neighbor down thestreet with the dogs and I'm
(29:12):
like how are those fur babies?
I see them barking at methrough the window and I'm
always smiling because I feellike they're saying hi to me and
the first words that they sayis how is Dennis doing?
And your identity right now is acaregiver.
Is your identity dual?
(29:35):
Do you identify as somethingelse as well?
Are you proud that you're acaregiver?
Hopefully you are, but you alsowant to be recognized as
another person or as your ownperson.
So maybe you are thinking about.
(29:55):
You can tell I'm having a hardtime recouping this, but bear
with me, friend, bear with me.
Let's say there's another waythat you now figure out your new
identity, or you figure out howyou can build your identity as
a caregiver.
Maybe you think about I'm goingto go to that lunch that I'm
(30:16):
invited to or that fundraiserthat you're passionate about, or
you deny that because you can'tas a caregiver.
Or you deny that because youcan't as a caregiver.
What if you really thoughtabout it?
And you can and you should goto that.
Or maybe you've sang in thechoir and you've said no for the
(30:38):
last six months because of yourloved one and realize you know
what.
I can figure out a way.
I'm going to go on Sundays andI'm going to plan on Sundays.
I just have to figure out whatneeds to be done from a
caregiving perspective, andpeople see you now as the choir
(30:59):
singer and a caregiver.
Now it's hard to rediscover whatmakes you happy outside of
caregiving too.
So you're going to startworking on that as well, because
, remember, your loved ones isin a position where it's chronic
, they're aging, and this isreally hard for me to say.
(31:21):
You're not giving up on yourcaregiving, but you're trying to
build your identity outside ofcaregiving as well, because you
know eventually what the outcomecould be.
Now it's time to discover whatmakes you happy outside of
caregiving, whether it'spainting, hiking, reading.
(31:42):
I have to rediscover what I cando, because my spouse can't do
everything anymore.
So I have to rediscover what Ican do because my spouse can't
do everything anymore.
So I have to rediscover thatReconnecting with these
activities can help you rebuildyour sense of self.
You've probably pushed away orlost connections with others as
well.
Maybe you have to reestablishthose connections or find new
(32:06):
connections now.
Maybe it's time.
I think that my girlfriendJulie did that with me with
bowling.
She knew that when and this wasin the midst of hospice care
for my mom she knew that Ineeded an outlet.
She knew that I needed to goahead and have these connections
(32:28):
because my mom was in hospice.
Reconnecting with friends andfamily outside of your
caregiving role is going to beessential.
These relationships provide asupport system that reminds you
of who you are beyond being acaregiver as well, and they're a
(32:49):
good resource to have you knowand a support system to have
during the process as well.
But it's nice to be able to sayoh, I can't wait to go ahead
and hear you know my friend'sstory of how her job interview
went and I can't wait to go tolunch to find out you know how
(33:09):
her new career and whatever isgoing you know, so you can go
ahead and be able to do that.
Now there's going to be a momentof coping with fear and guilt
during this time, especiallywhen your loved one's dealing
with intense challenges andyou're going through this.
But it's natural to feel guiltyfor wanting time for yourself.
(33:31):
It's natural to feel this guilt.
You might worry that taking abreak means you're not fully
committed to your loved one'scare, and that is so, so wrong.
However, self-care isn'tselfish.
It's a necessity for sustainingyour ability to care
effectively and to be presentand get rid of the sadness once
(33:57):
in a while and be able torelease that and then come back
to your loved one with apositive or a different shift in
your thoughts.
And another point I want tomake is it's about your fear,
and fear that personalfulfillment equates to
neglecting your loved one iscommon, and prioritizing your
(34:19):
well-being ensures that youremain strong and present.
It's about finding a balancethat honors both your needs and
their needs, and so releasingthat fear and guilt is something
that you want to work on.
So let's talk about how you cannavigate this season, and I have
(34:41):
some practical steps that Ithink is going to really help
you.
First of all, acknowledge yourfeelings.
Just acknowledge how you'refeeling.
Recognize and accept theemotions you're experiencing.
If you're crabby today, sayokay, I'm not myself today.
Why Be your own therapist?
(35:02):
It's okay to feel conflictedand acknowledge these feelings,
and acknowledging these feelingsis the first steps towards
healing.
Then you're going to want to setboundaries, and establish clear
boundaries can help youallocate time for yourself
without feeling guilty.
Like I said before, test it, dosomething, do a little bit.
(35:25):
You know, my clear boundary isa walk, do a little bit.
My clear boundary is a walk.
My clear boundary is nineo'clock bedtime.
Unless something is, I want tostay up and watch, but I've
really done that.
My clear boundary is makingtime for my sister's calls,
making time for my bowling time.
(35:45):
Now it's you know, I'm going totake time and paint.
This might mean schedulingregular breaks or delegating
certain caregiving tasks toothers.
You know, when I was caregivingfor my mom, it was like I
needed to have clear boundariesto go ahead and recharge.
(36:07):
And so I would ask my brotherhey, can you take mom here today
, or can you visit her today, orwhatever it would be, so I
could have a break, okay.
The next one is so we haveacknowledge your feelings, set
boundaries.
Third one is seek support.
Joining support groups orseeking professional counseling
(36:31):
can provide you with the tools,encouragement, needed to
navigate this season.
Yeah, and if you're the personthat finds therapy helpful, do
it.
If you're the person that lovesgroup support, do it.
If you're not, find a confident, find another caregiver, find a
(36:54):
close friend, tell them whatyou need and tell them that you
want to go ahead and bounce somethoughts off of them.
Sharing your experiences withothers who understand can be
incredibly healing.
Make sure that if you are doingit with a friend, though, tell
them.
You know I want you to listen.
(37:14):
This is the only thing is.
You don't have to solve myproblem.
I don't want you to solveanything.
I don't want you to carry theguilt of or the sadness that I'm
sharing.
I just want you to listen, andyou know so you need to go ahead
and figure out where yoursupport is going to be.
(37:35):
Number four is reconnect yourpassions.
We had talked about this.
Dedicate time to activitiesthat bring you joy and
fulfillment, whether it's ahobby you once loved or
something new.
These activities can help yourediscover your personal
identity, whatever it would be.
Test things out, try a group,try something new.
(37:57):
Rebuild relationships is numberfive.
Reconnect with family andfriends who support you outside
of your caregiving.
These relationships can boostyour emotional well-being.
Number six and you probably seethis a lot from me is look at
inspiring quotes, and reallylook at those, and maybe it's
(38:23):
affirmations or quotes, buthere's one you owe yourself the
love that you see freely Imessed it up.
You owe yourself love that youso freely give to others.
Yeah, you owe yourself thatlove.
Yeah, and I have, like I saidin previous podcasts, I have
(38:48):
quotes, I have a quote flipcalendar, I have quotes of the
day sent to me.
I have words throughout myhouse, on posters, on boards, on
pictures, that sort of thing.
Keep feeding yourself whateverinspiration you need.
Maybe your inspiration isn't aquote, maybe it's you listen to
(39:09):
somebody, maybe it's a dailyprayer, whatever it would be,
because, according to theAmerican Psychology Association,
60% of caregivers experiencesignificant levels of stress,
significant levels of stress,and to combat that, you have to
find inspiration Now.
(39:31):
To close, today, as we wrap uptoday, I want to leave you with
some heartfelt encouragement.
Being a caregiver is a journeyfilled with immense love,
dedication and, at times,overwhelming challenges.
It's the rewards, but it's alsoall of the challenges.
(39:51):
It's essential to remember thatit's okay to feel the full
range of emotions that come withthis role, and boy you and I
have.
We felt them right.
Itestruck, I'm awestruck at howthis journey has taught me so
(40:12):
much about myself.
I know you feel the same way.
But, first and foremost, I wantyou.
When you're in this situation.
I want you to grant yourselfgrace.
Give yourself the grace toprocess everything you're
experiencing.
Don't push it away.
Don't think it's somethingwrong with yourself.
It's natural to feel a mix ofemotions sadness, frustration,
(40:37):
anger, resentment, hope and evenmoments of joy.
But recognizing and acceptingthese thoughts and feelings, you
honor your own humility and theincredible strength you possess
.
Once you've knowledge whereyou're at emotionally, take a
moment to reflect.
Think about the small steps youcan take to adjust and refine
(41:00):
your own well-being during thischallenging time.
It might be as simple asdedicating 10 minutes a day to a
hobby you love.
Maybe you love to crochet,maybe you love to watch a comedy
.
Reaching out to a friend for aheartfelt conversation might be
(41:22):
another one.
Or practice mindfulness tocenter your thoughts, whether
it's prayer, meditation, yoga.
Rebuilding your identity outsideof caregiving is a gradual
process, but it's entirelypossible.
My friend, start by findingmoments of joy and resilience in
your daily life, whether it'spainting, walking in nature,
(41:46):
reading a book.
Whether it's painting, walkingin nature, reading a book, these
activities can help youreconnect with who you are and
beyond your caregiving role.
Remember, seeking joy andfulfillment for yourself doesn't
diminish your love or yourdedication as a caregiver.
In fact, it enhances yourability to provide care with a
(42:09):
resilient and compassionateheart.
By nurturing your ownwell-being, you're not only
sustaining your giving spirit,but also creating a healthier
and more balanced life for bothyourself and your loved one more
balanced life for both yourselfand your loved one.
You are not alone on thisjourney.
(42:30):
Reach out, I'm a text away.
Share your story.
Lean on supportive networksthat you have or other
caregivers.
I love the fact that those twofan mail Sabrina and the other
person.
They were looking for resourcesand they found this podcast.
(42:54):
I'm working on something inspring that I'm going to go
ahead and bring back a communityagain.
I did it way back, oh gosh, twoyears ago.
It was the Caregiver Circle.
Well, that's going to be comingback in a different way.
It's going to be outside of thesocial media posts which we all
(43:19):
fear because we don't wantother people to read ours, and
I'm going to be working on that.
But together we can create acommunity of caregivers who
uplift and empower one another.
So stay tuned on that.
But together we can create acommunity of caregivers who
uplift and empower one another,so stay tuned for that.
So, as I end today, I want tofirst of all thank you for
joining me on this episode.
You heard my flubs, you heardmy cries, you heard my sniffles.
(43:41):
I don't edit this podcastbecause it has to be authentic,
it has to be real, it has to bejust Kathy talking to you.
It's not something that'sformal.
So thank you for joining theCaregiver Cup podcast.
I want to say, if you found thishelpful, if you haven't already
(44:02):
followed me, hit that followbutton and get it every week
from me.
I haven't missed a week in fourplus years, so I'm always going
to be your solid person herethat you can listen to.
If you have requests don'tforget that that text message is
there you can go ahead and dothat.
And if you wouldn't mind tohelp me get this out to more
(44:26):
caregivers, if you write areview or share it with others,
that's going to help metremendously.
So, to end today, take a deepbreath, be kind to yourself and
remember that every small stepyou take towards your own
well-being is a victory.
Right now, if you were able towash your face and brush your
(44:49):
teeth this morning and youcouldn't do it yesterday, that's
a victory.
If you were able to go aheadand take a walk around the block
, that's a victory.
So until next time, my friend,stay strong, take care and
remember filling your cup firstis the most important love that
(45:09):
you can give to your loved oneand to yourself.
We'll talk to you again nextweek, my friend.
Bye for now.
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