March 11, 2025 • 41 mins
What happens when caregiving becomes too much? The tragic story of Gene Hackman and wife, Betsy serves as a powerful wake-up call for all of us who care for loved ones. Caregiving often appears as an act of pure love and dedication, but behind closed doors, many caregivers struggle with exhaustion, isolation, and overwhelming responsibility that can lead to crisis.
This deeply personal episode explores the hidden emotional toll of caregiving and provides a framework for recognizing when you're approaching your breaking point. Through candid conversation and thoughtful questions, Cathy guides you through an emotional check-in process: How are you really feeling? Are you constantly exhausted? When was the last time you experienced joy? These simple yet profound questions can help identify burnout before it consumes you.
The episode doesn't just highlight problems—it offers practical solutions for building support systems before reaching crisis. From creative ways to enlist help from neighbors and friends to exploring professional resources like respite care, Cathy shares strategies that have worked in her own challenging caregiving journey. She emphasizes that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness but rather an essential survival skill for sustainable caregiving.
Whether you're caring for a spouse with a chronic illness, an aging parent, or a child with special needs, this conversation will help you recognize when "doing it all" becomes dangerous. More importantly, it reminds you that you deserve support and care too. If you're feeling overwhelmed, don't keep it inside—there are people who can and want to help. And if you know a caregiver, check in with them, offer specific assistance, and be part of their essential support network. Your small gesture might be exactly what they need to keep their cup from emptying completely.
💌 Want more inspiration, information, and a deeper connection? Join the Caregiver Cup Community Newsletter for my weekly email filled with support and encouragement.
Get my free resource: 17 Shifts To Reduce CAREGIVER STRESS & Say Good-bye To CAREGIVER BURNOUT
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
It's Kathy here, and boy am Igrateful to be back with you
this week.
Today's episode is a tough one,but an important conversation
we need to have.
Recently, the tragic deaths ofGene Hackman and his wife, betsy
made headlines right.
(00:20):
While we may never know thefull details of what happened
behind closed doors, one thingwe know is that Gene had
Alzheimer's and heart diseaseand Betsy was his wife and
caregiver, and if you haven'twatched the recent news or heard
the recent news, they bothpassed away, and you know
(00:42):
there's a lot of stories and alot of comments, but I don't
want to dig deep into that inthis episode.
I want to talk about how we canlearn from this or look at
opportunities from this, because, as caregivers, we understand
just how isolating andexhausting and overwhelming this
role can be.
This heartbreaking story,horrific story, is a moment for
(01:05):
us to pause, reflect and askourselves how am I really doing,
what can I do to protect mywell-being while caring for my
loved one, and what steps can Itake to make sure I'm not
carrying this burden alone?
Today, we'll be diving into thehidden emotional toll of
(01:27):
caregiving, the impacts ofstress and isolation, and ways
to recognize when we needsupport.
And I'm going to do thisthrough just really just hard
conversations, asking youquestions, and hopefully you'll
take some of these nuggets andreally think about these.
But before we reach, before weget into that and before we
(01:52):
actually get into the episode, Iwanted to take a moment to give
a few shout outs to some of my,or some of our incredible
caregivers in this community.
First of all, I love gettingtext messages and so, if you see
that, send Kathy a text in theshow notes.
I put it right in the frontbecause I want to hear from you.
(02:13):
What did you like about theepisode?
How are you doing?
Introduce yourself, tell me achallenge, give me a suggestion
for another podcast.
I want it all.
So if I get, I call it fan mailor happy mail.
If I get something from you, ohmy gosh, I cannot wait to dig
into it.
I also love email replies, andso if you're not on my email
(02:36):
list, go ahead and in the shownotes you're going to see, you
know, join our, join the emailcommunity and join that.
So let me just share a few thatI got this week.
First of all, thank you toKathy, who spells her name with
a C, but she actually has an IEafter it, where I have a Y.
(02:56):
And thank you, kathy, forsending that text from last
week's episode where we talkedabout, you know, the 10 in the
morning and a 10 at night.
And Kathy gave us her morningritual, which is always nice to
hear examples from other people.
She says my morning ritual ismeditation, kneel and pray, then
(03:17):
she stretches, makes her bedand drinks a full glass of water
and then she's off to.
She says then it's time to digin glass of water.
And then she's off to.
She says then it's time to digin.
I think that's just a perfectway to go ahead and set the
stage, especially where she'shitting.
She's hitting her inner spiritand health.
She's doing some stretching,she's making her bed, so she's
(03:37):
accomplished something and she'sdrinking a full glass of water,
getting her body hydrated forthe day.
I also want to welcome acaregiver who sent me a text.
And what's nice about thesetext messages is I don't get
your phone number, I just getthe last four digits and then
the technology just tells uswhere your cell phone was
(04:02):
originally purchased and thenumber that it was, and so it
says her phone is from OliveBranch, mississippi.
I love the city.
I don't I've never heard of itbefore, but I love it.
But I'll I'll really justshorten it.
She said thanks, she thanked mefor finding the podcast, or
thanked me for the podcast.
(04:23):
I want to thank you for findingthe podcast.
And she's been caregiving for10 years for her dad and has two
small age children, so she's inwhat I call the sandwich
generation.
She's caring for her elderlyparent and she's caring for her
children.
Oh my gosh.
And she says I'm truly gratefulto you and I want to say I'm
(04:44):
truly grateful for you as well.
I also received a shout.
I want to give a shout out toPaula, who has been with me
probably from the very start ofmy community and I started it in
2020.
Paula's from Israel and shereplied to an email and she said
(05:05):
she's in the midst of war whilecaregiving and was also sick
lately and had car issues, andso she shared that with me.
But she said in her email so,like you said, the little things
make it better.
Trying hard to be grateful,things make it better trying
(05:30):
hard to be grateful.
And I'm thinking I thought mylife was challenging, but her
life caring for her husband,who's disabled, caring for
herself in a war-riddencommunity, and she was sick
recently.
And so, geez, paula, morehappier days ahead for you, and
we're all thinking of you,especially during this time in
(05:52):
your war-ridden country.
I also love getting replies,like I said, from weekly
newsletters, and I wanted toshare this last email that I got
because in my last email that Isent out this past weekend, I
used an analogy of imagine youand I met up at a coffee shop
(06:16):
and we went and sat out on thepatio with the sun shining in
and we skipped the just theweather conversation and we got
right into the deep ofcaregiving.
And Heidi is the person thatsent me this beautiful response
and I want to just read it.
I pulled some of the pieces out.
(06:36):
She said funny, you shouldmention going to a coffee shop,
because I try to go to a coffeeshop at least once a week to
journal and have some me time.
I could certainly imaginesitting down to coffee with you
and it makes me smile.
It makes me smile too, heidi.
This week I've been mindful ofall I've learned on this
(06:57):
caregiving journey.
You often encourage us to seecaregiving as an opportunity to
learn and grow.
I thought this was a crazy ideaat first.
It's so easy to focus on allthe things that still need to be
done, but it's good to reflectnow and then on how much I've
really accomplished as acaregiver.
(07:18):
I've helped my mom negotiate somany hurdles since my dad
passed away a year ago.
Those hurdles seemedinsurmountable at the time.
Now, when we face new ones, Itry to remind myself that we
will find a way over, as we havedone it all along.
Anyways, I want to share mythoughts and so grateful for
(07:40):
your guidance along the way,sending you love and light, and
I want to say thank you, heidi,for your practice and
perspective and sharing thatwith me.
And then I replied back andasked if I could share it with
you and she said absolutely.
You are definitely a light andlove for sharing that with us
and being able to do that.
(08:01):
Now you may not be able to goto a coffee shop once a week,
but what can you do?
Heidi's challenging us to thinkabout ways that we could go
ahead and shift our mindset andtake care of us by going to a
coffee shop and journaling andthen having her thoughts on
(08:21):
paper.
That helped her.
So I thought that was just sogreat as well.
Someday, you and I whetheryou're in Wisconsin with me
someday, hopefully I'm going toget to sit with some of you and
have coffee with you, or if youdon't like coffee, we can have
something else together.
Okay, let's jump into thistragedy situation where Eugene
(08:49):
Hackman and his wife Betsy bothpassed away in New Mexico and
their bodies were found, andthey were deceased for quite a
while.
I don't know if it was a weekor whatever it was, but I think
this is a perfect opportunityfor us to just talk about
(09:13):
caregiving.
And, first of all, I don't knowthe behind the scenes.
I don't want to judge them, Idon't.
I mean, there are so many nastycomments out there.
I don't, I mean there are somany nasty comments out there.
I like to look at it by sayingwhat can we glean from this
(09:36):
information and this horribletragedy?
To go ahead and think aboutourselves as caregivings,
because caregiving often is seenas an act of deep love and
selflessness, and it absolutelyis.
But behind closed door, thereality can be exhausting,
isolating and emotionallydraining.
I know, you know this.
It's a role that demandseverything from us, you and I.
(09:58):
It demands our energy, ourpatience, our time and,
oftentimes, our own well-being,especially in those difficult
seasons.
Many caregivers reach a pointwhen they completely empty, or
they feel completely empty, yetthey feel they keep going
because they believe that theyhave no choice.
(10:20):
I've been there so many timeswhere I just keep going and
going and going until I get to abreaking point.
Heck, I've experienced it, likeI said, so many times.
The one that comes to mind iswhen I kept going and going and
going and then realized that Iwas sick with respiratory
(10:42):
infection and I ended up in thehospital with COVID and for the
longest time I wanted to denythat, until my body just said
you have to stop.
We get so deep in thechallenges that we can't even
see a way out to.
I think about that everydaylife.
(11:04):
We just keep going and goingand going and you feel exhausted
, or you start barking atsomebody because you're just on
edge, or you break down and cryand you just think, oh, I'm just
going to take a mental healthday or just take a few hours off
and take a nap and I'll be backto my old self.
But your body keeps remindingyou of that.
(11:24):
You're exhausted and you mayeven feel like I have no choice,
there's nobody else that canhelp.
You may feel that way becauseyou're so deep into it.
We convince ourselves that wecan do it all, or our loved ones
get so comfortable with us.
And I was stuck in this with mymom when my mom was still alive
(11:48):
, where I people please, andjust I have this control
capacity where I just want tocontrol it all, and then
eventually, when I get to thepoint where I can't do it all,
get to the point where I can'tdo it all, I then kind of backed
off with my mom and said okay,I'm going to ask John to take
(12:13):
you, my brother John to take youto an appointment.
And then she's like why aren'tyou going?
You know things better than Ido, and you get yourself in this
, this, you're chasing your tailall the time and you get so
comfortable.
And then my mom did not want toopen up to having others help,
when I should have did it fromthe beginning, or I should have
(12:35):
kept going, and it's kind oflike I'm trying to think of it
it's kind of like you're takingcare of your child If you don't
go out and leave the child witha babysitter, the child's never
going to adapt to differentpeople and they're just going to
be clingy the whole entire timeand you're not allowing
(12:58):
yourself to breathe.
I don't know.
That's kind of the example thatcomes to my mind.
I've, you know too, I've spokenwith many caregivers who feel
this way.
They feel trapped, like theyhave no escape, and then what
does that lead to?
Exhaustion takes over, and youfeel like no one truly sees you
(13:19):
as well.
And so I'm just going to take asip of water because I feel
something in my throat here.
And so I'm just going to take asip of water because I feel
something in my throat here.
So I want to ask yourself, Iwant you to ask yourself some of
these questions, because I wantyou to take an emotional
check-in.
You know how Heidi goes andjournals at the coffee shop.
Maybe these are some questionsthat you can journal about.
(13:44):
Maybe these are some questionsthat you can journal about.
And I think once you see it, oryou're aware of it, then you
can start thinking of ideas togo ahead and help you through
this.
And if you're saying, I'mabsolutely fine, I still want
you to listen to these, becauseall caregivers can improve.
(14:04):
We all can improve on something.
And, just as a sidebar, I'vebeen trying to figure out I'm
going to do an episode on this.
I'm trying to figure out andI'm not sleeping at night
because of it and I should do anentire episode on this.
And I should do an entireepisode on this because,
(14:30):
starting April 24th, dennis isgoing to be away from our home
and I'm going to have to live inboth home in Frater Hospital in
Milwaukee, and then try to comehome on occasion, just check on
the house, get a reprieve, thatkind of thing.
But I'm trying to plan out 90days and I'm trying to figure it
(14:53):
out and I keep thinking, well,I can do this and I can do this,
and I can do this and I can dothis, instead of thinking what
resources I'm going to use.
And so that's where I'm tryingto get to today.
So now this check-in, I'm goingto do the emotional check-in
with you.
First, I want to ask yourself, Iwant you to ask yourself how am
I really feeling?
(15:15):
This should be a question thatyou have handy now in good
seasons and in challengingseason and then ask yourself am
I constantly feeling exhaustedor anxious or emotionally
drained, because that's a signalRight now I'm feeling anxious,
(15:39):
I'm feeling nervous, I'm feelingworried, but this is the word
is.
Am I constantly feeling thiswhen I journal?
Every morning, I journal myfive things I'm grateful for I
always do because I'm thisachiever kind of thing.
I write down three things thatI want to accomplish today.
(16:02):
That's just part of me.
Write down three things that Iwant to accomplish today, that's
just part of me.
But if I don't feel likewriting and writing everything,
I still put how I am and I writeI am, and then I'm like there's
one I'm always saying I amfeeling and then, if I look back
now, over the last maybe threeto four weeks, I wrote down
(16:23):
anxious, every single timethere's a pattern.
Another question to ask yourselfis have I felt resentful,
irritable or disconnected frommy loved one?
That's a signal for you.
If you're feeling resentful,irritable or disconnected,
you're stressed, you're probablyburnt out.
(16:43):
You're stressed, you'reprobably burnt out.
You probably need a break oryou need somebody to go ahead
and tell you or assess whatyou're doing.
Another one do I feel like I'mlosing myself in this role?
This is a hard one to swallow.
Are you just a caregiver?
(17:04):
Now you might be saying andyou're not just a caregiver, but
are you yourself or are youjust behind the scenes now and
you just feel like you're notenough?
I want you to ask yourself thatand when was the last time I
(17:24):
felt joy, peace or even just amoment of ease?
Now I bet Heidi feels a momentof ease when she goes and sits
in a coffee shop, in journals.
You could go sit at a park, youcould go for a walk, you could
while your loved one's taking anap, you could go sit out on the
(17:44):
patio and just enjoy thesunshine.
When are you feeling joy, peaceor even a moment of ease?
You need to do these emotionalcheck-ins with yourself to just
get a pulse of where you're at.
The better thing would be ifyou had an accountability buddy
(18:07):
or a therapist.
You could go ahead and givethese questions to them and say
can you ask me these questions?
Okay, the next series ofquestions I want you to think
about is I want you to reallyrecognize your burnout.
The overall question is am Ipushing myself too hard?
(18:28):
Because if you're pushingyourself too hard, then it's
just a downward spiral.
Am I neglecting my own needs.
Think about your sleep, yournutrition, your exercise, even
your social time.
Are you neglecting these or areyou avoiding these?
That's a signal of burnout.
(18:50):
Do I feel like I have to doeverything myself?
And then my question would beif I was coaching you, is it
your choice that you're doingeverything yourself, or do you
not see that you can get help?
I'm not saying that Betsy wasthat way, but maybe she couldn't
(19:14):
see a different way.
Maybe Gene's Alzheimer's didn'tallow her.
Maybe he got irritated whensomebody came to the house.
We don't know the behind thescenes.
Another question on burnout ishave I ignored my own health,
skipped doctor's appointments orbrushed off my own symptoms?
I'm raising my hand.
(19:35):
Many, many, many times I've putthings off because of your
caregiving situation, when youmay have to adjust and find bits
of time.
But you can't skip that.
You can't.
If you're feeling ill, you needto go to the doctor.
(19:56):
Poor thing Betsy died of arespiratory infection.
I wonder, I really wonder, ifshe didn't feel she needed to go
to the doctor, or she feels shecouldn't go to the doctor.
You just wonder.
Wish we could talk to her.
And then another question do Ifeel guilty when I even think
(20:17):
about taking a break.
Or does your loved one make youfeel guilty, or do others make
you feel guilty?
I want you to assess yourburnout.
Okay, one more series ofquestions I want you to think
about is assessing your supportsystem.
Am I carrying this alone, thisalone?
(20:49):
I want you to really thinkabout it.
Have I asked for help, or am Iassuming no one else can do it?
Dennis and I are havingdiscussion right now because we
need to go ahead and cut thelawn and he would do that, or I
would fill in if we didn't.
But you know what?
There's too much going on rightnow.
I'm going to be two hours away.
(21:10):
I'm trying to think of fourdays a week maybe, and coming
home three days a week, I don'tknow.
I'm trying to play with thatand see what works best for me
and the whole process.
Play with that and see whatworks best for me and the whole
process.
But I don't want to have torush home and do all the yard
work, because those three daysthat I come home, or two days I
(21:34):
come home, I shouldn't befilling those with all tasks.
So where could we go ahead andget the help?
Should we hire somebody?
Should we ask the neighbor?
Should we ask our kids?
We're going through thatprocess right now.
I want you to think about thesame thing.
Where can you get a break?
Do I have at least one personthat I confide in about my
(21:59):
caregiving struggles?
Do you have a buddy?
Do you have a best friend?
Do you have a therapist?
Who are you confiding in aboutyour caregiving struggles?
That really they're yoursupport system and not judging
you and they allow you to ventand talk about your struggles
(22:22):
and know you good enough to behonest with you, when was the
last time I had a meaningfulconversation that wasn't about
caregiving as well?
I want you to think about that.
You know, when have you had ameaningful conversation?
I can't.
I love having conversationswith my friends and my family,
(22:45):
but the very first thing theyask about is caregiving, and I
usually always say, okay, that'senough about caregiving, let's
talk about you or the kids, oryou know what's going on at your
work or whatever it would be.
Another question is are thereresources, respite care or
community programs that I cantake advantage of?
(23:07):
I want you to think about yoursupport systems and that person
confiding in you.
Are they checking in with youas well.
You know, checking in andseeing how you're doing, okay.
So now let's talk aboutrecognizing when caregiving
(23:30):
becomes too much.
Yeah, let's talk about the realstuff here.
Right now let's talk about thewarning signs that a caregiver
is reaching a breaking point.
When you reach a breaking point, have you reached a breaking
point and what does yourbreaking point look like?
We all will or we all have.
(23:51):
Oh my gosh.
I think about the very firsttime where I had a panic attack
going into work and I couldn'twork that day and I ended up in
the parking lot of a park by mein my car and bawling my eyes
out.
And actually it was theeye-opening experience for me
(24:13):
because I realized that day Icouldn't do what I was doing and
just keep going.
I had to figure out the bestpossible way to go ahead and
take care of myself as acaregiver.
So I mean, I remember myselfcrying in showers.
I remember myself, you knowtotally sick.
(24:39):
You know all these things.
Here's some things.
Exhaustion, that never goesaway.
That's a sign that you're atyour breaking point.
Look at your physical symptoms,your appearance, your mood,
whatever it would be.
Maybe your breaking point iswhere you feel numb,
(25:01):
disconnected or hopeless.
I felt this way and then Ididn't want to leave the house.
I didn't want to leave thehouse, I didn't want to
associate with people, I didn'twant to do anything that I
usually enjoy doing.
So you ever get to the pointwhere you have everything to do
(25:24):
too and you can't do anything.
That's a breaking point too.
Have you have thoughts ofrunning away?
Or maybe even worse, you justdon't want to be in the life
anymore.
Yeah, you need to be talking toa therapist.
You need to be talking to yourfriend, your accountability
(25:46):
buddy, your caregiving buddy,because we all feel numb,
disconnected or hopeless.
It depends on the situation.
If you're caring for an elderlyparent with Alzheimer's not
saying that Betsy was this way,but maybe she was numb, maybe
she was disconnected, maybe shethought you know what it's?
(26:08):
Just it's hopeless right now,and you know we need to go ahead
and look at those Havingthoughts, you know like, of
running away.
You know we can't do thisanymore.
How many times have you saidthis?
I just can't do this anymore.
Yeah, it's okay to get to thatpoint because it's a wake up
(26:28):
call, but the next step would beto saying what can I do?
Or, better yet, resentment andanger.
You're just mad at the world.
You're starting to blame,you're starting to not love your
loved one anymore and incertain situations that's true,
(26:49):
I mean when Dennis gets reallyand he's really having side
effects of chemo, or he'sgetting to the point where he
just doesn't feel good.
He is an owl, he is you know.
He gets angry and snaps and Itry to go ahead and take a deep
(27:10):
breath and just move on.
But if it just beats you downevery day and they're feeling
this way every day, you're boundto go ahead and get to the
point of feeling anger andresentment and you can't do it
all.
So that's why you're going toneed some breaks, you're going
(27:31):
to need to talk to people and soon.
Another thing about recognizingwhen caregiving becomes too much
is recognizing how caregiverscan start taking back control.
Where can you start taking backcontrol?
It's almost like listing all ofthe things out and saying these
are the things I can control,but these are the things I can.
(27:54):
And when you look at what I cando to control it, recognizing
that asking for help is not aweakness, it's a survival.
It could be something as simpleas calling up one of your you
know, like my husband, myhusband's friends, or one of our
(28:14):
kids, and saying, hey, will yougo ahead and sit with dad for
an hour and maybe bring him over?
You know his favorite shamrockshake.
I don't know, I'm just thinkingout loud here and I can get
away for a little bit.
Or he had one time Dennis hadhis best friend come over with a
protein shake after he had hisknee surgery.
(28:37):
It was such a nice break so Icould just say, okay, I can get
away that sort of thing.
And so, recognizing wherethings you can help With my mom,
I feel like I had to be sneaky,and these are some of the
sneaky things that I did thatreally worked for me, because my
(28:58):
mom would play this guilt gamewith me or like you must not
love me anymore, and it was partof her mental health issues she
had.
So I would ask a neighbor saying, hey, I need some help tomorrow
over lunch hour so I can goahead and make my calls for work
.
And my neighbor would say, oh,I got an idea.
(29:23):
And my neighbor would come overand say, hey, jan, you want to
come over and have lunch with metomorrow?
Or do you want to go take awalk with me?
And my mom would be so excitedand she would leave.
And I'm like, yes, win, so justthink about that.
Or I found a lady in herapartment building that went to
(29:43):
the same hair salon and so theystarted working on getting their
hair done.
And so they started working ongetting their hair done.
They had two separatehairdressers but getting their
hair done at the same time, andit was like, yes, the neighbor
drived and so I didn't have togo ahead and leave and my mom
could go ahead and get a ridewith her.
(30:13):
So just really trying to getcreative, but asking for help
and realizing it's not aweakness.
You need to go ahead and be inthis survival mode.
Another thing that you want todo is you can take control of
your mindset and your emotionsby seeking professional mental
health support.
You go to a therapist, you goto a coach, you go to somebody
that can help you talk throughsome of your burnout symptoms.
(30:36):
And then another thought is ifyou're listening to this and
you're feeling stuck, pleasestop.
There is support available andyou deserve it.
Maybe it's a support group,maybe it's a therapist, maybe
it's an accountability friend.
Whatever it could be, you needto go ahead and tap into that
(31:01):
because you can't be stuck in.
I'm just using the home example.
You can't be the only caregiverfor your loved one using the
home example.
You can't be the only caregiverfor your loved one 24-7, 365
days.
You need a break, especially ifyour loved one is in the
(31:24):
situation where they need prettymuch care all the time.
Check with the resources, checkwith your insurance company to
see what nursing coverage is.
Tap into your family, yourfriends, their neighbors, all of
that kind of stuff, becausethat will help.
Okay, I want to keep going hereand talking about this tragedy
(31:45):
as a wake-up call and whycaregiver support can no longer
be ignored.
I think there is, and this isjust my opinion and we could
debate this.
I wish we could have aroundtable discussion on it,
because I think caregivers arenot recognized enough,
(32:07):
especially family caregivers,those spouses, those daughters,
those nieces or granddaughtersor neighbors.
As caregivers, we don't want tobe ignored and we want
awareness to be there.
This story is so heartbreakingbut, like I said, it's a wake-up
(32:31):
call.
We need to do more to supportcaregivers or ourselves before
this becomes a crisis in Americaor in the world.
I mean, it just has to besomething that we think about.
How many times have we saidwe're caregiving for our parent
(32:56):
or we're caregiving for ourspouse and they say they're so
lucky to have you?
I'm trying to think of what thewords are and we should be
thinking about what are all theresources out there.
If somebody's out and about andenjoying a day off, I hope that
(33:21):
they get the praise and thegratification, like Heidi at the
coffee shop, because they havepeople taking care of them.
One of the things I remember itwas way back, but Dennis would
go to the Y and work out and heespecially would do swimming a
lot, and there was an oldergentleman there and he would
(33:42):
tell us all that, or he wouldtell Dennis all the time.
I'm here every day at this timebecause I have a nurse taking
care of my wife and this is mytime to go ahead and get out of
the house and I'm thinking kudosto you.
It's not just about self-carefor you as a caregiver.
(34:03):
It's about having a supportsystem in place, knowing that if
I'm tied up with something, Ihave somebody that can drive
dentists to chemotherapy If I'mtotally busy.
Is there somebody that I canhire to clean the house?
Is there somebody to help withthe lawn care?
(34:26):
Is there a nursing serviceavailable?
All of those things that areavailable for us that we don't
think about.
We as women listening to thispodcast, we should be advocates
for ourselves, building asupport network before burnout.
(34:48):
Now, I can't remember who.
The last podcast episode that Ihad there was a did I say it in
my last one, but I'll bring itup again.
If I said it, you'll know thestory.
But there was a gal thatreached out to me that loved the
podcast and what they have is apodcast support group where
(35:15):
this group of women get togetherand they share a favorite
podcast episode that they listento and they talk about it.
Well, they talked about theCaregiver Cup podcast and they
talked about that as a supportgroup.
And how kudos is that?
Because this caregiver supportgroup are opening up discussions
(35:36):
about ways to go ahead and takecare of themselves as well as
their loved one.
I think it's really important toexplore respite care options
for you as a caregiver, whetherthat be the senior citizen
community center in the areathat has card playing or bingo
(35:58):
night, or whatever that.
You can take your loved onethere for an hour or two and
then you can get away and dowhatever you need to do.
Or is there a facility thatyour loved one needs to be in or
can go to where you can do that?
Or maybe it's you?
What are your respite careoptions?
(36:19):
Can you go ahead and get aweekend off and have somebody
watch your loved one?
What is that gonna be?
And then finding caregivercommunities.
We are a community ofcaregivers listening on this
podcast.
Can you find an in-personcaregiver community?
(36:40):
I am so hard working on tryingto get a community together for
us via Zoom again, and that willbe coming soon but I have this
whole stem cell transplant thingto work on as well, and so I
need to be realistic.
But look at your local groups,your online support groups.
(37:00):
Find one that fits you the best.
Talk to doctors, talk totherapists.
Talk to therapists they'regoing to be able to recommend
some things as well.
Or put a flyer out to thisgroup, send me an email or a
text message and saying I wantto pull a group together and we
(37:22):
can pull a group together viaZoom and we can go ahead and do
something informal.
I think that's important.
So to kind of end today.
I know I've been rambling allover the place, but I think that
my final words if you'refeeling overwhelmed, please
don't keep it inside.
Caregiving is hard and youdon't have to do it alone.
(37:45):
There are people who cansupport you.
There are people that cansupport us.
You just have to take the firststep and find that support that
you need.
And if you know a caregiverright now, that's caregiving.
Check in with them.
That might be your opportunityto go ahead and do that.
(38:08):
If you know somebody in yourcommunity that posted something
or is at your church and they'recaregiving for a loved one, say
hi to them and connect withthem.
Maybe you just connect atchurch each week and say how is
everything going with you?
I'm thinking about you everyday.
Here's my phone number.
(38:30):
If you ever want to talk, I'mhere.
You could go ahead and swapthat.
Don't just ask if they needhelp.
Offer something specific.
So, thinking about, how are youdoing?
Have you tried the new coffeeshop down the street, because
(38:51):
their coffee is phenomenal?
Is there a way that when I goget mine, can I pick you one up
and drop it off by you, whateverit would be.
So you're offering help andconnection, because sometimes a
small gesture can changeeverything.
So I hope this helped a littlebit, talking about this horrific
(39:14):
tragedy, but just reallyreflecting on you, because I
think when we open up our eyesand look at it, even by writing
these notes today, I'm trying tothink through the realistic way
to look forward at those next90 days of my life as a
(39:34):
caregiver and a fur baby, mommy,a grandma, a mom and trying to
be there for my spouse, who'sgoing to go through some pretty
intense treatment over the next90 days, but also looking at how
can I sustain everything,because I can't do this alone
(39:57):
and it's scaring me to death andI'm anxious about it.
But if I continue to talk aboutit, I'm going to go ahead and
figure it out as I go, and Iwant to figure it out with less
burnout and less stress and moresupport and more help.
So you take care of my friendand I hope you enjoyed this
episode.
(40:17):
As always, text me, tell meyour thoughts.
Where are you sitting right nowwhen it comes to your
caregiving?
I want you to answer thisquestion how am I really doing?
That's the question I want youto put on that text.
How am I really doing?
Tell me that right now and letme know.
(40:40):
And then, if you're not on myemail list, I usually take an
extension of this podcast andmove it into an email and get a
little bit deeper into it.
So join my email list so thatyou can go ahead and get a
little bit more every week,which is going to help you with
your mindset and your thinkingand hopefully you don't feel as
(41:01):
alone.
Take care of my friend and, asalways, look at your cup.
Where is it filled right now?
Because you should be keepfilling your cup as a caregiver
so that you can show up as thebest as you can be.
Bye for now.
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
It's Kathy here, and boy am Igrateful to be back with you
this week.
Today's episode is a tough one,but an important conversation
we need to have.
Recently, the tragic deaths ofGene Hackman and his wife, betsy
made headlines right.
(00:20):
While we may never know thefull details of what happened
behind closed doors, one thingwe know is that Gene had
Alzheimer's and heart diseaseand Betsy was his wife and
caregiver, and if you haven'twatched the recent news or heard
the recent news, they bothpassed away, and you know
(00:42):
there's a lot of stories and alot of comments, but I don't
want to dig deep into that inthis episode.
I want to talk about how we canlearn from this or look at
opportunities from this, because, as caregivers, we understand
just how isolating andexhausting and overwhelming this
role can be.
This heartbreaking story,horrific story, is a moment for
(01:05):
us to pause, reflect and askourselves how am I really doing,
what can I do to protect mywell-being while caring for my
loved one, and what steps can Itake to make sure I'm not
carrying this burden alone?
Today, we'll be diving into thehidden emotional toll of
(01:27):
caregiving, the impacts ofstress and isolation, and ways
to recognize when we needsupport.
And I'm going to do thisthrough just really just hard
conversations, asking youquestions, and hopefully you'll
take some of these nuggets andreally think about these.
But before we reach, before weget into that and before we
(01:52):
actually get into the episode, Iwanted to take a moment to give
a few shout outs to some of my,or some of our incredible
caregivers in this community.
First of all, I love gettingtext messages and so, if you see
that, send Kathy a text in theshow notes.
I put it right in the frontbecause I want to hear from you.
(02:13):
What did you like about theepisode?
How are you doing?
Introduce yourself, tell me achallenge, give me a suggestion
for another podcast.
I want it all.
So if I get, I call it fan mailor happy mail.
If I get something from you, ohmy gosh, I cannot wait to dig
into it.
I also love email replies, andso if you're not on my email
(02:36):
list, go ahead and in the shownotes you're going to see, you
know, join our, join the emailcommunity and join that.
So let me just share a few thatI got this week.
First of all, thank you toKathy, who spells her name with
a C, but she actually has an IEafter it, where I have a Y.
(02:56):
And thank you, kathy, forsending that text from last
week's episode where we talkedabout, you know, the 10 in the
morning and a 10 at night.
And Kathy gave us her morningritual, which is always nice to
hear examples from other people.
She says my morning ritual ismeditation, kneel and pray, then
(03:17):
she stretches, makes her bedand drinks a full glass of water
and then she's off to.
She says then it's time to digin glass of water.
And then she's off to.
She says then it's time to digin.
I think that's just a perfectway to go ahead and set the
stage, especially where she'shitting.
She's hitting her inner spiritand health.
She's doing some stretching,she's making her bed, so she's
(03:37):
accomplished something and she'sdrinking a full glass of water,
getting her body hydrated forthe day.
I also want to welcome acaregiver who sent me a text.
And what's nice about thesetext messages is I don't get
your phone number, I just getthe last four digits and then
the technology just tells uswhere your cell phone was
(04:02):
originally purchased and thenumber that it was, and so it
says her phone is from OliveBranch, mississippi.
I love the city.
I don't I've never heard of itbefore, but I love it.
But I'll I'll really justshorten it.
She said thanks, she thanked mefor finding the podcast, or
thanked me for the podcast.
(04:23):
I want to thank you for findingthe podcast.
And she's been caregiving for10 years for her dad and has two
small age children, so she's inwhat I call the sandwich
generation.
She's caring for her elderlyparent and she's caring for her
children.
Oh my gosh.
And she says I'm truly gratefulto you and I want to say I'm
(04:44):
truly grateful for you as well.
I also received a shout.
I want to give a shout out toPaula, who has been with me
probably from the very start ofmy community and I started it in
2020.
Paula's from Israel and shereplied to an email and she said
(05:05):
she's in the midst of war whilecaregiving and was also sick
lately and had car issues, andso she shared that with me.
But she said in her email so,like you said, the little things
make it better.
Trying hard to be grateful,things make it better trying
(05:30):
hard to be grateful.
And I'm thinking I thought mylife was challenging, but her
life caring for her husband,who's disabled, caring for
herself in a war-riddencommunity, and she was sick
recently.
And so, geez, paula, morehappier days ahead for you, and
we're all thinking of you,especially during this time in
(05:52):
your war-ridden country.
I also love getting replies,like I said, from weekly
newsletters, and I wanted toshare this last email that I got
because in my last email that Isent out this past weekend, I
used an analogy of imagine youand I met up at a coffee shop
(06:16):
and we went and sat out on thepatio with the sun shining in
and we skipped the just theweather conversation and we got
right into the deep ofcaregiving.
And Heidi is the person thatsent me this beautiful response
and I want to just read it.
I pulled some of the pieces out.
(06:36):
She said funny, you shouldmention going to a coffee shop,
because I try to go to a coffeeshop at least once a week to
journal and have some me time.
I could certainly imaginesitting down to coffee with you
and it makes me smile.
It makes me smile too, heidi.
This week I've been mindful ofall I've learned on this
(06:57):
caregiving journey.
You often encourage us to seecaregiving as an opportunity to
learn and grow.
I thought this was a crazy ideaat first.
It's so easy to focus on allthe things that still need to be
done, but it's good to reflectnow and then on how much I've
really accomplished as acaregiver.
(07:18):
I've helped my mom negotiate somany hurdles since my dad
passed away a year ago.
Those hurdles seemedinsurmountable at the time.
Now, when we face new ones, Itry to remind myself that we
will find a way over, as we havedone it all along.
Anyways, I want to share mythoughts and so grateful for
(07:40):
your guidance along the way,sending you love and light, and
I want to say thank you, heidi,for your practice and
perspective and sharing thatwith me.
And then I replied back andasked if I could share it with
you and she said absolutely.
You are definitely a light andlove for sharing that with us
and being able to do that.
(08:01):
Now you may not be able to goto a coffee shop once a week,
but what can you do?
Heidi's challenging us to thinkabout ways that we could go
ahead and shift our mindset andtake care of us by going to a
coffee shop and journaling andthen having her thoughts on
(08:21):
paper.
That helped her.
So I thought that was just sogreat as well.
Someday, you and I whetheryou're in Wisconsin with me
someday, hopefully I'm going toget to sit with some of you and
have coffee with you, or if youdon't like coffee, we can have
something else together.
Okay, let's jump into thistragedy situation where Eugene
(08:49):
Hackman and his wife Betsy bothpassed away in New Mexico and
their bodies were found, andthey were deceased for quite a
while.
I don't know if it was a weekor whatever it was, but I think
this is a perfect opportunityfor us to just talk about
(09:13):
caregiving.
And, first of all, I don't knowthe behind the scenes.
I don't want to judge them, Idon't.
I mean, there are so many nastycomments out there.
I don't, I mean there are somany nasty comments out there.
I like to look at it by sayingwhat can we glean from this
(09:36):
information and this horribletragedy?
To go ahead and think aboutourselves as caregivings,
because caregiving often is seenas an act of deep love and
selflessness, and it absolutelyis.
But behind closed door, thereality can be exhausting,
isolating and emotionallydraining.
I know, you know this.
It's a role that demandseverything from us, you and I.
(09:58):
It demands our energy, ourpatience, our time and,
oftentimes, our own well-being,especially in those difficult
seasons.
Many caregivers reach a pointwhen they completely empty, or
they feel completely empty, yetthey feel they keep going
because they believe that theyhave no choice.
(10:20):
I've been there so many timeswhere I just keep going and
going and going until I get to abreaking point.
Heck, I've experienced it, likeI said, so many times.
The one that comes to mind iswhen I kept going and going and
going and then realized that Iwas sick with respiratory
(10:42):
infection and I ended up in thehospital with COVID and for the
longest time I wanted to denythat, until my body just said
you have to stop.
We get so deep in thechallenges that we can't even
see a way out to.
I think about that everydaylife.
(11:04):
We just keep going and goingand going and you feel exhausted
, or you start barking atsomebody because you're just on
edge, or you break down and cryand you just think, oh, I'm just
going to take a mental healthday or just take a few hours off
and take a nap and I'll be backto my old self.
But your body keeps remindingyou of that.
(11:24):
You're exhausted and you mayeven feel like I have no choice,
there's nobody else that canhelp.
You may feel that way becauseyou're so deep into it.
We convince ourselves that wecan do it all, or our loved ones
get so comfortable with us.
And I was stuck in this with mymom when my mom was still alive
(11:48):
, where I people please, andjust I have this control
capacity where I just want tocontrol it all, and then
eventually, when I get to thepoint where I can't do it all,
get to the point where I can'tdo it all, I then kind of backed
off with my mom and said okay,I'm going to ask John to take
(12:13):
you, my brother John to take youto an appointment.
And then she's like why aren'tyou going?
You know things better than Ido, and you get yourself in this
, this, you're chasing your tailall the time and you get so
comfortable.
And then my mom did not want toopen up to having others help,
when I should have did it fromthe beginning, or I should have
(12:35):
kept going, and it's kind oflike I'm trying to think of it
it's kind of like you're takingcare of your child If you don't
go out and leave the child witha babysitter, the child's never
going to adapt to differentpeople and they're just going to
be clingy the whole entire timeand you're not allowing
(12:58):
yourself to breathe.
I don't know.
That's kind of the example thatcomes to my mind.
I've, you know too, I've spokenwith many caregivers who feel
this way.
They feel trapped, like theyhave no escape, and then what
does that lead to?
Exhaustion takes over, and youfeel like no one truly sees you
(13:19):
as well.
And so I'm just going to take asip of water because I feel
something in my throat here.
And so I'm just going to take asip of water because I feel
something in my throat here.
So I want to ask yourself, Iwant you to ask yourself some of
these questions, because I wantyou to take an emotional
check-in.
You know how Heidi goes andjournals at the coffee shop.
Maybe these are some questionsthat you can journal about.
(13:44):
Maybe these are some questionsthat you can journal about.
And I think once you see it, oryou're aware of it, then you
can start thinking of ideas togo ahead and help you through
this.
And if you're saying, I'mabsolutely fine, I still want
you to listen to these, becauseall caregivers can improve.
(14:04):
We all can improve on something.
And, just as a sidebar, I'vebeen trying to figure out I'm
going to do an episode on this.
I'm trying to figure out andI'm not sleeping at night
because of it and I should do anentire episode on this.
And I should do an entireepisode on this because,
(14:30):
starting April 24th, dennis isgoing to be away from our home
and I'm going to have to live inboth home in Frater Hospital in
Milwaukee, and then try to comehome on occasion, just check on
the house, get a reprieve, thatkind of thing.
But I'm trying to plan out 90days and I'm trying to figure it
(14:53):
out and I keep thinking, well,I can do this and I can do this,
and I can do this and I can dothis, instead of thinking what
resources I'm going to use.
And so that's where I'm tryingto get to today.
So now this check-in, I'm goingto do the emotional check-in
with you.
First, I want to ask yourself, Iwant you to ask yourself how am
I really feeling?
(15:15):
This should be a question thatyou have handy now in good
seasons and in challengingseason and then ask yourself am
I constantly feeling exhaustedor anxious or emotionally
drained, because that's a signalRight now I'm feeling anxious,
(15:39):
I'm feeling nervous, I'm feelingworried, but this is the word
is.
Am I constantly feeling thiswhen I journal?
Every morning, I journal myfive things I'm grateful for I
always do because I'm thisachiever kind of thing.
I write down three things thatI want to accomplish today.
(16:02):
That's just part of me.
Write down three things that Iwant to accomplish today, that's
just part of me.
But if I don't feel likewriting and writing everything,
I still put how I am and I writeI am, and then I'm like there's
one I'm always saying I amfeeling and then, if I look back
now, over the last maybe threeto four weeks, I wrote down
(16:23):
anxious, every single timethere's a pattern.
Another question to ask yourselfis have I felt resentful,
irritable or disconnected frommy loved one?
That's a signal for you.
If you're feeling resentful,irritable or disconnected,
you're stressed, you're probablyburnt out.
(16:43):
You're stressed, you'reprobably burnt out.
You probably need a break oryou need somebody to go ahead
and tell you or assess whatyou're doing.
Another one do I feel like I'mlosing myself in this role?
This is a hard one to swallow.
Are you just a caregiver?
(17:04):
Now you might be saying andyou're not just a caregiver, but
are you yourself or are youjust behind the scenes now and
you just feel like you're notenough?
I want you to ask yourself thatand when was the last time I
(17:24):
felt joy, peace or even just amoment of ease?
Now I bet Heidi feels a momentof ease when she goes and sits
in a coffee shop, in journals.
You could go sit at a park, youcould go for a walk, you could
while your loved one's taking anap, you could go sit out on the
(17:44):
patio and just enjoy thesunshine.
When are you feeling joy, peaceor even a moment of ease?
You need to do these emotionalcheck-ins with yourself to just
get a pulse of where you're at.
The better thing would be ifyou had an accountability buddy
(18:07):
or a therapist.
You could go ahead and givethese questions to them and say
can you ask me these questions?
Okay, the next series ofquestions I want you to think
about is I want you to reallyrecognize your burnout.
The overall question is am Ipushing myself too hard?
(18:28):
Because if you're pushingyourself too hard, then it's
just a downward spiral.
Am I neglecting my own needs.
Think about your sleep, yournutrition, your exercise, even
your social time.
Are you neglecting these or areyou avoiding these?
That's a signal of burnout.
(18:50):
Do I feel like I have to doeverything myself?
And then my question would beif I was coaching you, is it
your choice that you're doingeverything yourself, or do you
not see that you can get help?
I'm not saying that Betsy wasthat way, but maybe she couldn't
(19:14):
see a different way.
Maybe Gene's Alzheimer's didn'tallow her.
Maybe he got irritated whensomebody came to the house.
We don't know the behind thescenes.
Another question on burnout ishave I ignored my own health,
skipped doctor's appointments orbrushed off my own symptoms?
I'm raising my hand.
(19:35):
Many, many, many times I've putthings off because of your
caregiving situation, when youmay have to adjust and find bits
of time.
But you can't skip that.
You can't.
If you're feeling ill, you needto go to the doctor.
(19:56):
Poor thing Betsy died of arespiratory infection.
I wonder, I really wonder, ifshe didn't feel she needed to go
to the doctor, or she feels shecouldn't go to the doctor.
You just wonder.
Wish we could talk to her.
And then another question do Ifeel guilty when I even think
(20:17):
about taking a break.
Or does your loved one make youfeel guilty, or do others make
you feel guilty?
I want you to assess yourburnout.
Okay, one more series ofquestions I want you to think
about is assessing your supportsystem.
Am I carrying this alone, thisalone?
(20:49):
I want you to really thinkabout it.
Have I asked for help, or am Iassuming no one else can do it?
Dennis and I are havingdiscussion right now because we
need to go ahead and cut thelawn and he would do that, or I
would fill in if we didn't.
But you know what?
There's too much going on rightnow.
I'm going to be two hours away.
(21:10):
I'm trying to think of fourdays a week maybe, and coming
home three days a week, I don'tknow.
I'm trying to play with thatand see what works best for me
and the whole process.
Play with that and see whatworks best for me and the whole
process.
But I don't want to have torush home and do all the yard
work, because those three daysthat I come home, or two days I
(21:34):
come home, I shouldn't befilling those with all tasks.
So where could we go ahead andget the help?
Should we hire somebody?
Should we ask the neighbor?
Should we ask our kids?
We're going through thatprocess right now.
I want you to think about thesame thing.
Where can you get a break?
Do I have at least one personthat I confide in about my
(21:59):
caregiving struggles?
Do you have a buddy?
Do you have a best friend?
Do you have a therapist?
Who are you confiding in aboutyour caregiving struggles?
That really they're yoursupport system and not judging
you and they allow you to ventand talk about your struggles
(22:22):
and know you good enough to behonest with you, when was the
last time I had a meaningfulconversation that wasn't about
caregiving as well?
I want you to think about that.
You know, when have you had ameaningful conversation?
I can't.
I love having conversationswith my friends and my family,
(22:45):
but the very first thing theyask about is caregiving, and I
usually always say, okay, that'senough about caregiving, let's
talk about you or the kids, oryou know what's going on at your
work or whatever it would be.
Another question is are thereresources, respite care or
community programs that I cantake advantage of?
(23:07):
I want you to think about yoursupport systems and that person
confiding in you.
Are they checking in with youas well.
You know, checking in andseeing how you're doing, okay.
So now let's talk aboutrecognizing when caregiving
(23:30):
becomes too much.
Yeah, let's talk about the realstuff here.
Right now let's talk about thewarning signs that a caregiver
is reaching a breaking point.
When you reach a breaking point, have you reached a breaking
point and what does yourbreaking point look like?
We all will or we all have.
(23:51):
Oh my gosh.
I think about the very firsttime where I had a panic attack
going into work and I couldn'twork that day and I ended up in
the parking lot of a park by mein my car and bawling my eyes
out.
And actually it was theeye-opening experience for me
(24:13):
because I realized that day Icouldn't do what I was doing and
just keep going.
I had to figure out the bestpossible way to go ahead and
take care of myself as acaregiver.
So I mean, I remember myselfcrying in showers.
I remember myself, you knowtotally sick.
(24:39):
You know all these things.
Here's some things.
Exhaustion, that never goesaway.
That's a sign that you're atyour breaking point.
Look at your physical symptoms,your appearance, your mood,
whatever it would be.
Maybe your breaking point iswhere you feel numb,
(25:01):
disconnected or hopeless.
I felt this way and then Ididn't want to leave the house.
I didn't want to leave thehouse, I didn't want to
associate with people, I didn'twant to do anything that I
usually enjoy doing.
So you ever get to the pointwhere you have everything to do
(25:24):
too and you can't do anything.
That's a breaking point too.
Have you have thoughts ofrunning away?
Or maybe even worse, you justdon't want to be in the life
anymore.
Yeah, you need to be talking toa therapist.
You need to be talking to yourfriend, your accountability
(25:46):
buddy, your caregiving buddy,because we all feel numb,
disconnected or hopeless.
It depends on the situation.
If you're caring for an elderlyparent with Alzheimer's not
saying that Betsy was this way,but maybe she was numb, maybe
she was disconnected, maybe shethought you know what it's?
(26:08):
Just it's hopeless right now,and you know we need to go ahead
and look at those Havingthoughts, you know like, of
running away.
You know we can't do thisanymore.
How many times have you saidthis?
I just can't do this anymore.
Yeah, it's okay to get to thatpoint because it's a wake up
(26:28):
call, but the next step would beto saying what can I do?
Or, better yet, resentment andanger.
You're just mad at the world.
You're starting to blame,you're starting to not love your
loved one anymore and incertain situations that's true,
(26:49):
I mean when Dennis gets reallyand he's really having side
effects of chemo, or he'sgetting to the point where he
just doesn't feel good.
He is an owl, he is you know.
He gets angry and snaps and Itry to go ahead and take a deep
(27:10):
breath and just move on.
But if it just beats you downevery day and they're feeling
this way every day, you're boundto go ahead and get to the
point of feeling anger andresentment and you can't do it
all.
So that's why you're going toneed some breaks, you're going
(27:31):
to need to talk to people and soon.
Another thing about recognizingwhen caregiving becomes too much
is recognizing how caregiverscan start taking back control.
Where can you start taking backcontrol?
It's almost like listing all ofthe things out and saying these
are the things I can control,but these are the things I can.
(27:54):
And when you look at what I cando to control it, recognizing
that asking for help is not aweakness, it's a survival.
It could be something as simpleas calling up one of your you
know, like my husband, myhusband's friends, or one of our
(28:14):
kids, and saying, hey, will yougo ahead and sit with dad for
an hour and maybe bring him over?
You know his favorite shamrockshake.
I don't know, I'm just thinkingout loud here and I can get
away for a little bit.
Or he had one time Dennis hadhis best friend come over with a
protein shake after he had hisknee surgery.
(28:37):
It was such a nice break so Icould just say, okay, I can get
away that sort of thing.
And so, recognizing wherethings you can help With my mom,
I feel like I had to be sneaky,and these are some of the
sneaky things that I did thatreally worked for me, because my
(28:58):
mom would play this guilt gamewith me or like you must not
love me anymore, and it was partof her mental health issues she
had.
So I would ask a neighbor saying, hey, I need some help tomorrow
over lunch hour so I can goahead and make my calls for work
.
And my neighbor would say, oh,I got an idea.
(29:23):
And my neighbor would come overand say, hey, jan, you want to
come over and have lunch with metomorrow?
Or do you want to go take awalk with me?
And my mom would be so excitedand she would leave.
And I'm like, yes, win, so justthink about that.
Or I found a lady in herapartment building that went to
(29:43):
the same hair salon and so theystarted working on getting their
hair done.
And so they started working ongetting their hair done.
They had two separatehairdressers but getting their
hair done at the same time, andit was like, yes, the neighbor
drived and so I didn't have togo ahead and leave and my mom
could go ahead and get a ridewith her.
(30:13):
So just really trying to getcreative, but asking for help
and realizing it's not aweakness.
You need to go ahead and be inthis survival mode.
Another thing that you want todo is you can take control of
your mindset and your emotionsby seeking professional mental
health support.
You go to a therapist, you goto a coach, you go to somebody
that can help you talk throughsome of your burnout symptoms.
(30:36):
And then another thought is ifyou're listening to this and
you're feeling stuck, pleasestop.
There is support available andyou deserve it.
Maybe it's a support group,maybe it's a therapist, maybe
it's an accountability friend.
Whatever it could be, you needto go ahead and tap into that
(31:01):
because you can't be stuck in.
I'm just using the home example.
You can't be the only caregiverfor your loved one using the
home example.
You can't be the only caregiverfor your loved one 24-7, 365
days.
You need a break, especially ifyour loved one is in the
(31:24):
situation where they need prettymuch care all the time.
Check with the resources, checkwith your insurance company to
see what nursing coverage is.
Tap into your family, yourfriends, their neighbors, all of
that kind of stuff, becausethat will help.
Okay, I want to keep going hereand talking about this tragedy
(31:45):
as a wake-up call and whycaregiver support can no longer
be ignored.
I think there is, and this isjust my opinion and we could
debate this.
I wish we could have aroundtable discussion on it,
because I think caregivers arenot recognized enough,
(32:07):
especially family caregivers,those spouses, those daughters,
those nieces or granddaughtersor neighbors.
As caregivers, we don't want tobe ignored and we want
awareness to be there.
This story is so heartbreakingbut, like I said, it's a wake-up
(32:31):
call.
We need to do more to supportcaregivers or ourselves before
this becomes a crisis in Americaor in the world.
I mean, it just has to besomething that we think about.
How many times have we saidwe're caregiving for our parent
(32:56):
or we're caregiving for ourspouse and they say they're so
lucky to have you?
I'm trying to think of what thewords are and we should be
thinking about what are all theresources out there.
If somebody's out and about andenjoying a day off, I hope that
(33:21):
they get the praise and thegratification, like Heidi at the
coffee shop, because they havepeople taking care of them.
One of the things I remember itwas way back, but Dennis would
go to the Y and work out and heespecially would do swimming a
lot, and there was an oldergentleman there and he would
(33:42):
tell us all that, or he wouldtell Dennis all the time.
I'm here every day at this timebecause I have a nurse taking
care of my wife and this is mytime to go ahead and get out of
the house and I'm thinking kudosto you.
It's not just about self-carefor you as a caregiver.
(34:03):
It's about having a supportsystem in place, knowing that if
I'm tied up with something, Ihave somebody that can drive
dentists to chemotherapy If I'mtotally busy.
Is there somebody that I canhire to clean the house?
Is there somebody to help withthe lawn care?
(34:26):
Is there a nursing serviceavailable?
All of those things that areavailable for us that we don't
think about.
We as women listening to thispodcast, we should be advocates
for ourselves, building asupport network before burnout.
(34:48):
Now, I can't remember who.
The last podcast episode that Ihad there was a did I say it in
my last one, but I'll bring itup again.
If I said it, you'll know thestory.
But there was a gal thatreached out to me that loved the
podcast and what they have is apodcast support group where
(35:15):
this group of women get togetherand they share a favorite
podcast episode that they listento and they talk about it.
Well, they talked about theCaregiver Cup podcast and they
talked about that as a supportgroup.
And how kudos is that?
Because this caregiver supportgroup are opening up discussions
(35:36):
about ways to go ahead and takecare of themselves as well as
their loved one.
I think it's really important toexplore respite care options
for you as a caregiver, whetherthat be the senior citizen
community center in the areathat has card playing or bingo
(35:58):
night, or whatever that.
You can take your loved onethere for an hour or two and
then you can get away and dowhatever you need to do.
Or is there a facility thatyour loved one needs to be in or
can go to where you can do that?
Or maybe it's you?
What are your respite careoptions?
(36:19):
Can you go ahead and get aweekend off and have somebody
watch your loved one?
What is that gonna be?
And then finding caregivercommunities.
We are a community ofcaregivers listening on this
podcast.
Can you find an in-personcaregiver community?
(36:40):
I am so hard working on tryingto get a community together for
us via Zoom again, and that willbe coming soon but I have this
whole stem cell transplant thingto work on as well, and so I
need to be realistic.
But look at your local groups,your online support groups.
(37:00):
Find one that fits you the best.
Talk to doctors, talk totherapists.
Talk to therapists they'regoing to be able to recommend
some things as well.
Or put a flyer out to thisgroup, send me an email or a
text message and saying I wantto pull a group together and we
(37:22):
can pull a group together viaZoom and we can go ahead and do
something informal.
I think that's important.
So to kind of end today.
I know I've been rambling allover the place, but I think that
my final words if you'refeeling overwhelmed, please
don't keep it inside.
Caregiving is hard and youdon't have to do it alone.
(37:45):
There are people who cansupport you.
There are people that cansupport us.
You just have to take the firststep and find that support that
you need.
And if you know a caregiverright now, that's caregiving.
Check in with them.
That might be your opportunityto go ahead and do that.
(38:08):
If you know somebody in yourcommunity that posted something
or is at your church and they'recaregiving for a loved one, say
hi to them and connect withthem.
Maybe you just connect atchurch each week and say how is
everything going with you?
I'm thinking about you everyday.
Here's my phone number.
(38:30):
If you ever want to talk, I'mhere.
You could go ahead and swapthat.
Don't just ask if they needhelp.
Offer something specific.
So, thinking about, how are youdoing?
Have you tried the new coffeeshop down the street, because
(38:51):
their coffee is phenomenal?
Is there a way that when I goget mine, can I pick you one up
and drop it off by you, whateverit would be.
So you're offering help andconnection, because sometimes a
small gesture can changeeverything.
So I hope this helped a littlebit, talking about this horrific
(39:14):
tragedy, but just reallyreflecting on you, because I
think when we open up our eyesand look at it, even by writing
these notes today, I'm trying tothink through the realistic way
to look forward at those next90 days of my life as a
(39:34):
caregiver and a fur baby, mommy,a grandma, a mom and trying to
be there for my spouse, who'sgoing to go through some pretty
intense treatment over the next90 days, but also looking at how
can I sustain everything,because I can't do this alone
(39:57):
and it's scaring me to death andI'm anxious about it.
But if I continue to talk aboutit, I'm going to go ahead and
figure it out as I go, and Iwant to figure it out with less
burnout and less stress and moresupport and more help.
So you take care of my friendand I hope you enjoyed this
episode.
(40:17):
As always, text me, tell meyour thoughts.
Where are you sitting right nowwhen it comes to your
caregiving?
I want you to answer thisquestion how am I really doing?
That's the question I want youto put on that text.
How am I really doing?
Tell me that right now and letme know.
(40:40):
And then, if you're not on myemail list, I usually take an
extension of this podcast andmove it into an email and get a
little bit deeper into it.
So join my email list so thatyou can go ahead and get a
little bit more every week,which is going to help you with
your mindset and your thinkingand hopefully you don't feel as
(41:01):
alone.
Take care of my friend and, asalways, look at your cup.
Where is it filled right now?
Because you should be keepfilling your cup as a caregiver
so that you can show up as thebest as you can be.
Bye for now.
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