The Week My Caregiver Cup Ran Dry

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Ever reached that breaking point where your body simply won't let you power through anymore? That's exactly where I found myself this week as my husband Dennis faced serious complications following his stem cell transplant for cancer.

This raw mini-episode takes you through the emotional rollercoaster we experienced—from the joyful bell-ringing ceremony marking Dennis's hospital discharge to the crushing setbacks that followed just hours later. You'll hear about the gut-wrenching moment when I had to choose between being at my granddaughter's graduation and staying with my struggling spouse, and the Sunday when everything came crashing down around me. I share openly about hitting my lowest point as a caregiver, when terrifying thoughts spiraled and I felt completely paralyzed by fear and exhaustion.

The journey through caregiving rarely follows a straight line, and sometimes hope appears just when you need it most. I reveal the turning point that helped me finally exhale, and why my body's stress response is still on high alert days later. For anyone juggling medications, appointments, and the emotional weight of caring for a loved one through serious illness, this episode offers validation and a powerful reminder: your nervous system needs rest too. 

When was the last time you gave yourself permission to not be okay? To step off the hamster wheel, even for five minutes? Remember, filling your cup isn't selfish—it's essential. Join our community of caregivers who understand that we're all in this together, one breath, one step, one mindful moment at a time. Subscribe now and know you're never alone on this journey.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to a mini
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
First, my apologies for notgetting in a full episode this
week and being delayed.
Usually I release the episodeat midnight and some of you have
reached out to me asking aboutit, and you know what.
I am so grateful that you'rechecking in on me.

(00:22):
Just know that I've got onebrewing for next week and hope
to record it soon.
And I wanted to just start outby saying life doesn't come with
a pause button right,especially when you're deep in
your caregiving trenches, andover the past week, dennis and I
have celebrated, we've brokendown and we've had moments when

(00:45):
it felt like it was way tooheavy.
So today I want to share justan update and exactly how I hit
the pause button and how I'mslowing down and why you might
need to do this on occasion aswell.
So when life throws everythingat you, sometimes the bravest
thing that you can do is take astep back and breathe.

(01:06):
I made a tough call to skip afull episode this week.
It feels strange.
I feel like I'm letting youdown, but your messages reminded
me it's okay to lean into rest.
You don't have to power throughevery challenge alone and I

(01:26):
like to power through sometimesto kind of forget and sweep my
emotions underneath the rug, andyou know what my mind and body
wouldn't let me do it this time.
So let me explain what happenedthis week or this over this
past week.
Dennis's discharge got delayedlast week due to GI issues and

(01:47):
he tested positive for theneurovirus as well.
It was nail-biting and I foundmyself holding my breath
wondering how long he would bedelayed.
And until Thursday he feltbetter and they gave them the go
.
And they have this bell ringingceremony that they do, where

(02:09):
the patient reads off of thewall and rings the bell.
But my husband's also asurvivor fan the survivor on TV
with Jeff Protz and it's thatmillion dollar challenge, and
the nurses there are survivorfans as well and they do pools,

(02:29):
and so they did this really,really amazing ceremony which
brought him relief.
And Friday morning, when I I'msorry, when I release my email
this week, I will share thatvideo with you.
So Thursday he was actuallydischarged.

(02:50):
Then Friday morning greeted uswith more GI flare-ups.
And here we go again and hisstomach sounded like a waterfall
and it just kept going and thepoor guy was in the bathroom the
whole time and then I'madministering, you know I'm
giving him, making sure he'sstaying, not getting dehydrated,

(03:14):
you know, trying to go aheadand make sure he's getting
something in his stomach,because he has to take 16 pills
right now in the morning, andthat'll increase shortly in
about another week six pills atnoon and 18 more at bedtime.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, youknow, and is it all staying down

(03:34):
In the midst of it?
On Friday my granddaughter,with my very first granddaughter
, she graduated from high schooland they're about 50 miles from
there and so I'm like should Igo?
Should I not go?
I made the decision to get himall situated.

(03:55):
He was sleeping in his chair, Ihad all of his stuff and he's
like you might as well go.
And I went.
It took the 50mile trek to seemy granddaughter graduate and I
was so proud of her.
But the whole time I'm like aworried mother, with your spouse

(04:17):
being that sick.
So it was hard to leave for thefew hours, knowing your spouse
is sick.
But he made it.
I made it back before dark.
Everything was fine.
Saturday was an okay day.
It wasn't great because hewasn't eating a lot, but the GI
issues seemed to be a little bitbetter.

(04:38):
But Sunday I watched himstruggle with everything
Dehydration, fatigue.
If he would eat something hewould grab his chest because of
reflux pain.
My heart shattered at the soundof his gurgling stomach and

(04:58):
overwhelm washed over me like atidal wave.
And I admit I hit a low pointthat I've never, ever, hit in my
caregiving days.
My mind spiraled out of controlwith thoughts and terrible.
Out of control with thoughtsand terrible, terrible thoughts

(05:20):
that he was going to pass awayeventually and we weren't going
to be able to make it.
He wasn't going to be able tomake it and my body just was in
this overwhelmed state and Ifelt paralyzed.
I felt like I couldn't even goon anymore.
I remember at the I walked outof the room as he was sleeping

(05:44):
because I'm at Kathy's house,the hospital house and I called
my family and I talked to myoldest son and I couldn't even
get words out.
I was so upset and he waswonderful.
I've never known that he wouldbe that type of support for me
and it brings tears to my eyesknowing that he was there for me

(06:05):
.
But yesterday, which was Monday, was better.
We went to the day hospital.
We had our scheduledappointment at the day hospital
at the cancer clinic, and it wasa turning point.
While Dennis, they took all ofhis vitals his blood pressure
was good, his oxygen was good,his pulse was good, but he lost

(06:27):
eight pounds in four days.
And hear me, I'm feeling guiltybecause I did feel like I could
did something wrong and thedoctor said no, you didn't do
anything wrong.
This is part of the process.
The transplant is ahaploidentical transplant from
my son and it's anallotransplant, meaning a donor

(06:50):
transplant, and there are goingto be bumps along the way to go
ahead and get his body to acceptthe cells.
The doctor was so good andtalked to us and reassured us we
were doing what we had to doand keep doing, and they offered
more suggestions and advice.

(07:11):
And then they said look at hislabs.
His labs are looking good.
It's like baby steps, but italmost reminds me of there's 100
steps going up to his recoveryand we're at three and so it's
going to be a long time.
The medical team there helpedDennis by saying you have to go

(07:36):
ahead and eat tiny bites andreally slow, because they
stripped everything out of hisbody with all of the
chemotherapy, and by eating fastor trying to eat too much, your
body just is saying I can't doit.
And so they said, every twohours, just small bites of food

(07:57):
and make sure that the food isgoing to be good, like yogurt or
peanut butter and crackers orsomething good, and then lots of
water.
And they set up a regularanti-diarrheal medicine around
the clock.
In that moment I felt hope.

(08:17):
I could feel the tangible hopeagain.
I felt hope I could feel thetangible hope again.
You know that feeling when thetide turns just enough, then you
can finally exhale.
I felt it.
I felt it and today is Tuesdaythat I'm recording it and I went
for a walk, and a slow walk.

(08:39):
He had his lab working in thismorning and they're working on
adjusting some more things, butI went out.
I said he's stable now.
I went for a slow walk, I drankcoffee and just enjoyed it.
I carved out quiet time.
Because here's the truth Ourbodies carry the echoes of every

(09:02):
stress spike and if we don'tpause to refill our cups, there
won't be anything left to pour.
And it's funny because my bodyis the stress and overwhelm is
still in my body even days laterand it's going to take some
time to go ahead and get thatback working again and trying to

(09:26):
go ahead and lead a pace and upcalmness again.
You know, and Whatever you areright now racing between
appointments, jugglingmedications or pacing hospital
corridors you have to giveyourself permission to step off
the hamster wheel.
Even five minutes of deepbreaths can reset your nervous

(09:50):
system, and I think that's whatit was.
My nervous system is shot rightnow and I have to go at a
slower pace.
Shot right now and I have to goat a slower pace, and so I want
you to keep an eye open foryour inbox later this week.
I told you already that Iwanted to send you the video
because it's really powerful andtalk more about how we're

(10:12):
adjusting to every new day,whether it be the good, the bad
or the ugly.
And remember you're not alone inthis and I feel like I'm not
alone in this.
Thank you for those of you whosent me that text, who reached
out to me via email and said Areyou okay?
I'm not okay right now, but Iwill be.

(10:35):
That's just my honest truth toyou right now.
We are all in this together,one breath, one step, one
mindful moment at a time.
I want to thank you forchecking in, for listening to
this mini episode and forallowing me to show up as my

(10:56):
imperfect human self.
To show up as my imperfecthuman self.
Yesterday, I could barely holdit together from an emotion
perspective and I'm like thingsare better.
Kathy, why are you wanting tocry all the time?
My body's nervous system isstill shot.
My emotions are still going inoverdrive.
I want you to know, my friend,you're doing something

(11:19):
extraordinary every day, simplyby showing up, and I have to
keep telling myself that too.
So until next time, take goodcare of yourself and remember,
grant yourself grace, butremember, filling your cup is
like giving yourself a hug, andI'm sending you the biggest

(11:41):
virtual hug.
And until next week, my friend.
Bye for now.