When Hope Feels Lost: How to Reclaim Your Strength as a Caregiver

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Have you ever found yourself in the chaos of caregiving thinking, "I can't do this anymore"? That feeling of wanting to give up is universal among caregivers, especially during prolonged challenges and setbacks.

When I hit emotional walls during  Denis' stem cell transplant journey, I discovered a powerful truth: our feelings, while real, aren't always factual. We might feel like everything is falling apart, but distinguishing between emotional reactions and objective reality can be our anchor in stormy times. I've developed a simple practice called "the what, the why, and the check-in" to navigate overwhelming moments. First, I acknowledge what I'm feeling without judgment. Then I examine the facts of the situation, separating what I know for certain from what my fears are projecting. Finally, I identify one small action I can take today to move forward - whether that's talking to a doctor, taking a reflective walk, or practicing gratitude.

Think of yourself as either a sailor holding onto your compass during a storm or a farmer tending your field regardless of weather conditions. Your caregiving journey requires attention and care every day, not because it's easy but because it matters. Your "storm plan" might look different from your regular routine, but maintaining some structure helps you stay grounded when everything feels chaotic. Ask yourself: Where have your feelings been steering you lately? When have you felt tempted to abandon your plan? What does holding onto your focus during difficult times look like for you? 

You're stronger than you feel in your hardest moments. You don't need to feel strong to be strong - you just need to keep going one step, one breath, one moment at a time. Bookmark this episode for those days when giving up seems like the only option. Remember, we're not alone in this journey. Together, we can show up as our best selves, even through the storms.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another
episode of the Caregiver Cuppodcast.
Thank you for listening.
It's Kathy here and I'm gladyou're here today.
Have you ever found yourself inthe middle of this chaos of
caregiving, thinking I can't dothis anymore?
I bet you have, because I have.
Maybe you've sat in thehospital chair too many days in

(00:24):
a row, or you run on too littlesleep and held your breath as
your loved one took another turnfor the worse.
I've been there too, more nowthan lately, or more lately, I
should say.
This journey with Dennis' stemcell transplant has felt like a

(00:44):
challenging roller coaster ride.
One moment there's hope, thenext we're plummeting into
uncertainty.
These GI issues have just beenkind of a nightmare for him and
he can't get rid of them, and sothey've tried new medications.

(01:05):
Well, overnight then he brokeout into this huge, huge rash
and he's red and itchy all over,and you know what?
It's the worry, the waiting andthe emotional drain.
And in the middle of all of it Istumbled on a podcast, because

(01:27):
I took a 24-hour pause and wenthome on Saturday morning and
came back Sunday morning and Iwas listening to some podcasts.
One of them was Rachel Hollis,and then I was listening you
know I love Hoda Kotb and then Ijust stumbled on this and I
can't remember who said it andI'm rewording it a little bit

(01:50):
but there was a poster thatsomebody talked about that said
F your feelings, and I'm goingto use screw your feelings
instead.
And at first, when the personsaid it, it hit me the wrong way
and I'm like I'm a feeler andremember I'm talking all about
embracing your feelings andemotions, but the truth under it

(02:13):
and underneath it hit me hard,because while feelings are real,
sometimes our feelings are notfactual and they're not.
You might be thinking somethingand you think the worst and
it's not a fact, it's not goingto happen or it hasn't happened,

(02:37):
and so why am I feeling thisway?
And I just thought this is agood episode to talk about this
way.
And I just thought this is agood episode to talk about.
And in caregiving, when emotionstry to take the wheel, we need
something stronger.
We need to really have thisplan, our own plan, our own
focus and our own higher self tostep in and guide us forward,

(03:03):
so that we don't get into thisfeelings and non-factual things.
So my message today is you mayfeel like giving up, you may
feel like ghosting everyone orhiding from the world, but that
doesn't mean you should.
We feel because we're human.
We cry because we care, webreak down because this is hard,

(03:27):
but here's the thing yourfeelings don't get to steer the
ship or steal the car.
Imagine yourself and I'm goingto use the analogy of imagine
yourself you're sailing acrossthe ocean or the sea and you've
got this map and this compassthat's going to guide you to

(03:48):
your destination and you'retrusting that this is going to
take you there.
But suddenly a storm hits.
The winds are howling, thewaves are tossing you all around
.
You might even lose thedirection that you're going.
And what do you do?
Well, you don't toss the mapoverboard because you're just

(04:10):
fed up with the storm.
You don't jump ship.
What you do is you hold ontighter and your plan is your
compass, your focus is your map,and the storm is temporary and
it will pass.
And I love that analogy becauseI have to constantly keep

(04:34):
reminding myself of that too.
And so here's what I've beendoing when it comes to my
practices.
I call them the what, the whyand the check-in, and that's
what I call them.
So, when I hit a wallemotionally, physically or
mentally, or I'm trying to trustmy feelings and they're not the

(04:59):
facts, I have to check in withmyself.
And so what I check in with isask myself after I'm feeling all
of this and I don't push itaway, like I talked about last
week.
I don't push it away.
I ask myself what are the facts?
What do I know for sure aboutthe situation?

(05:21):
When Dennis's GI issues weren'tgoing away and they came back
with the biopsy and said it'snot GVHD, they've ruled out all
of these other diseases from hisstools.
I had to ask myself, you know,because I thought, oh my gosh,
he just for one.

(05:41):
Overnight he lost a liter, andthat's a lot.
You think about a two-literbottle.
He lost a liter of stool.
And I'm like I'm kind ofthinking he, he keeps losing all
this weight.
And I'm thinking, oh my gosh.
But I had to go back and saywhat are the facts?
And then I have to ask myselfwhy am I feeling this way?

(06:02):
And I have to validate myemotions and not to put shame in
it at all, to put shame in itat all.
I just have to validate them.
I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'mworried.
I have to trust the feelingsthat I feel.
I don't trust the feelings andI don't look at the facts like,

(06:25):
oh my gosh, is he going tosurvive this?
That's too far out.
I don't know that fact.
That's too far out.
I don't know that fact.
Another one is why am I feelingthis way?
And that is obviously what Ijust talked about.
I think I just duplicated that.
So, after I talk about why am Ifeeling this way, how can I move
forward, is the third question.

(06:46):
What's one thing I can do today, not a week from now.
What's one thing that I can dotoday, after I've looked at the
facts, figured out why I'mfeeling the way I'm feeling?
What's one thing I can do tomove forward?
Maybe it's really talking tothe doctor or understanding the

(07:09):
condition.
Maybe it's taking the dogs fora walk and getting my thoughts
off of the obsession I have withtrying to figure out what his
disease is.
Maybe it's watering my garden.
Maybe it's taking a deep breathand sipping a hot cup of coffee
and journaling gratitude hotcup of coffee and journaling

(07:33):
gratitude.
Maybe it's calling a friend andsaying this is what I'm feeling
, this is what I'm worried about, and just really just talking
through it and maybe they'llgive me ideas to ask and be a
better advocate.
Maybe it's talking to mytherapist, you know, whatever it
would be, but every small actis me choosing to hold onto my

(07:56):
compass, not running away fromthings.
So I want to really use anotheranalogy.
I use the sailboat one, but Iwant to use another one that
really hit home with me too.
I want you to think aboutyourself like a farmer.
You are farming your land andtrying to grow your crops, and

(08:16):
if you're a farmer, you don'twait for the perfect weather,
right?
You can't wait for it to be 70degrees and sunny.
If it's raining or the sun isshining, or it's windy, or if
it's cold, you have to get up,you have to tend to your land

(08:38):
and follow the plan Becausereally, to be honest with you,
is there ever going to be theperfect day?
No, you're just going to haveto go through with it.
Your caregiving life is yourfield.
Think about it as your field.
You tend to it every day.
It could be raining, it couldbe storming, it could be a sunny

(09:02):
, great day, it could be a cold,dreary day.
You tend to, not because it'seasy, but because it's yours,
because it matters, because youlove your loved one.
You're passionate about beingthe best caregiver that you can
be, whatever it would be.

(09:23):
So you have to be that farmerand deal with whatever comes
with you or whatever comes toyou.
So I have some questions I wantyou to reflect on for this, and
these might be some goodjournaling questions, or you can
feel free to go ahead and sendme a text with one of your

(09:45):
responses here.
But here's some good ones Ilove you to leave with, because
I think these will help youworking through those tough days
, those days where your feelingsis getting the best of you.
Where have your feelings beensteering you lately?
I want you to ask yourselfwhere have your feelings been

(10:05):
steering you lately, or steeringyour ship lately?
Okay, I know, for me it'ssometimes even like a morning
where I just feel really down inthe dumps.
Or Dennis has another GIepisode and I'm like here we go
again.
He's going to be admitted again, he's never going to kick this,

(10:26):
and so that negative side ofyour brain, which wants to
protect you, is starting to takeover and I'm like I don't know
if he's going to be admittedagain.
I don't know what the timeframeis.
One day it's going to magicallywork itself out, but I'm
thinking about the worst.

(10:49):
Another one is when have youfelt tempted to let go of your
plan?
Tempted to let go of your plan?
You know, when have you beentempted to let go of your plan?
There's days where we all wantto give up.
There are days when we all wantto throw in the towel.
There are days when we want tojust curl up in a fetal position
but ask yourself why do I wantto give up?

(11:18):
Embrace the fact that you'reburnt out or you're just
overwhelmed and saying I have tobe.
Grant myself some grace today,you know, my ship may have to go
on cruise control I don't evenknow if there's cruise control
on a ship but or I might have totake a lighter, lighter
planting load.
Today, as a farmer, I'm justnot feeling all together, but

(11:39):
I'm still going to go out thereand do something.
Another question is and the lastquestion I have is what does it
look like to hold onto yourfocus, to work with your plan,
even in the storm?
And your storm plan may lookdifferent than a sunny plan, but

(12:01):
even on those stormy days whereDennis wasn't feeling well, I
still walked, I still listenedto music, I still talked to my
sister, I still did things andwork through them.
Yeah, you don't feel like it,but you know, in order for you

(12:23):
to show up as your best self,you have to go ahead and stay
focused.
You have to go ahead and keepgoing.
Especially for me beingDennis's caregiver, there's
nobody else but me for him rightnow.
I have a tribe taking care ofthe house front, but I'm his

(12:43):
primary caregiver.
Sure, mark, my son, will backme up if I have an appointment
or I get sick.
But in the just-in-time momentswhere it's storming out, how am
I going to take care of this?
If we're in the hospital room,I go for a walk to the bathroom
and take deep breaths, or I sayI'm going to go get a sandwich

(13:05):
and I pull myself back togetherand being able to do that.
So think about these threequestions.
I'll have them in the shownotes, but these are good
questions to journal about orreflect on.
So to conclude today and come tolike a closure for this episode
, I have some words of wisdomfor you.

(13:27):
I know it's hard right now ifyou're in this challenging
caregiving season.
I know you're tired.
I know you wish things feltlighter, but I also know that
you're stronger than this stormbecause you're working through a
plan and a focus.

(13:47):
Your plan is still valid, yourheart is still big and your
caregiving doesn't have to comeat the cost of your own soul and
well-being.
So when you're thinking aboutit in challenging seasons, maybe
one of your plans is to drink,continue to drink your water and
eat a healthy lunch.

(14:08):
Maybe it's a salad, or you'repicking fruit and whatever it
would be.
So when the storm rolls in,pause, breathe and reach for
your compass.
Reach for that plan and letyour higher self take the wheel.
You don't have to feel strongto be strong.

(14:31):
You just have to keep going.
One step, one breath, onemoment at a time.
I hope you found this episodeinspiring and helpful for you.
This might be one that you pullout when you are in that I just

(14:51):
want to give up kind of modeand pull this back up and play
it.
Just want to give up kind ofmode and pull this back up and
play it.
It's short enough where you cango ahead and say, yep, I got to
listen to Kathy's motivationalepisode so that I can do it.
Star it, tag it, take a copyand put it somewhere so that you
know the link and you can bringit up right away.

(15:13):
So until next time, my friend,don't forget.
Keep filling your cup, thinkingof your plan, for when things
aren't going as well as you wantthem to be, you can go back to
saying okay, in this challengingtime, I know that I have to
continue to go ahead and eathealthy, drink water, take some

(15:34):
breaths and maybe go for a shortwalk.
That's an example.
You have to find yours.
So take care, my friend, andremember we are not alone in
this.
As caregivers, we're workingthrough this together and when
we work through this together,we can show up as our better
self.
Bye for now.