May 20, 2025 • 27 mins
What happens when your support just isn't helping? When encouragement falls flat? When your loved one withdraws completely? These are the unspoken challenges of caregiving that leave us feeling helpless and questioning our effectiveness.
Drawing from my current experience supporting my husband through his transplant journey, I share the raw reality of watching him struggle with severe physical pain and emotional withdrawal. Despite my best efforts to lift his spirits, there were moments when nothing seemed to help. But through this experience, I discovered something profound about emotional caregiving that's rarely discussed.
Sometimes, the most powerful support isn't about motivating or finding silver linings – it's about presence. Your loved one may be carrying physical pain, grief for their former capabilities, fear, and overwhelming uncertainty. In these moments, they don't need cheerleading; they need someone willing to sit beside them in that darkness without trying to fix it. Your quiet presence says, "I see you, and you're not alone," which can be more meaningful than any pep talk.
For caregivers accustomed to problem-solving, this shift from performance-based to presence-based support can be challenging. We often measure our effectiveness by visible results – a smile, gratitude, improvement. When those indicators are absent, we conclude we're failing. But here's the truth: You are not failing. You're facing a hard reality and still showing up.
Equally important is setting boundaries without guilt. I've learned to establish a rhythm that honors both my husband's needs and my own wellbeing – being present during key medical interactions while also taking necessary breaks to recharge. These boundaries aren't selfish; they're essential for maintaining emotional capacity to provide quality support for the long haul.
What emotional boundary could you establish this week to protect your energy? Whether it's a daily break, asking for help, or simply saying "not right now," honor that boundary as a gift to yourself and your loved one. Remember: Rest is not quitting. Boundaries aren't walls that shut people out; they're bridges that help sustain the care we offer.
💌 Want more inspiration, information, and a deeper connection? Join the Caregiver Cup Community Newsletter for my weekly email filled with support and encouragement.
Get my free resource: 17 Shifts To Reduce CAREGIVER STRESS & Say Good-bye To CAREGIVER BURNOUT
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, welcome, my friend, to another episode of
the Caregiver Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
I'm so glad you're joining metoday.
Hey, last week we explored whatemotional support really looks
like in caregiving how to showup with empathy, create micro
moments of motivation andprotect your energy along the
way.
But, as you and I know,sometimes that's just not enough
(00:24):
.
So this week I'm diving intothe harder side of emotional
caregiving the moments thatbreak our hearts, test our
patience and stretch ourstrength.
So we're going to cover what dowe do when our loved one
doesn't want encouragement, whathappens when our support just
isn't helping, and how do weprotect our energy without
(00:48):
carrying that guilt and thatworry, all that stuff that comes
with it?
So let's talk about somethingthat doesn't get shared enough
as our first part of thisepisode what do you do when your
loved one doesn't want to bemotivated?
There are days, sometimes weeks, when no amount of
(01:11):
encouragement or support willland.
Your loved one might shut downemotionally, they might withdraw
, they might lash out or losetheir energy to even speak to
you, and, as caregivers, theycan leave us feeling helpless,
heartbroken and more Well, I'mgoing to share just a common one
(01:32):
right now that I'm goingthrough in this season when
Dennis is going through histransplant process and this
happened with Dennis this week.
He had major and he's stillhaving major GI issues from the
transplant treatment.
Hours upon hours spent in thebathroom, this poor guy, the
pain that made it nearlyimpossible for him to sit down,
(01:59):
an exhaustion that drains everybit of his spirit.
And so, even though he followsevery protocol, using the creams
, he's taking the meds, he'strying to go ahead and move a
little bit instead of just kindof sitting.
But most of the time when hestands up he has to go to the
bathroom.
(02:19):
And I don't mean to laughFunny-wise, I laugh because it's
just unbelievable.
Nothing seems to ease hisdiscomfort and when I'm there in
person, he talks to me and thenhe's off to the bathroom.
I tried to FaceTime him aftervisiting hours one night just to
(02:40):
check on him.
But he gets on the phone orbrings up FaceTime and then he
drops it and says I can't talkto you on him.
But he gets on the phone orbrings up FaceTime and then he
drops it and says I can't talkto you right now.
And he messaged me later andhe's only texting because he
said I have to run to thebathroom again.
And when I was with him inperson.
He's so depleted, he's eitherfrustrated or he doesn't say
(03:04):
anything.
He's very quiet and if you knowmy husband, he likes to gab so
much that I want to walk awaysometimes because he gabs so
much.
And then there's times whenhe's even crabby and honestly,
who wouldn't be in his situation?
He kept saying things to melike I'm not being a very good
(03:25):
host to you.
You come all this way and Idon't want to talk, or I'm just
crabby.
That one hit me hard when hesaid I'm not being a very good
host here.
He was trying to apologize forbeing sick, for not having the
energy to chat or laugh or evenengage, and all I could do in
(03:46):
that moment was reassure him andI would say you're not here to
entertain me, dennis.
You're here to heal and I'mhere for you.
When he finally fell asleeptoday, for example, after hours
of discomfort, I just sat besidehim and felt this deep sense of
gratitude that he was finallyresting.
(04:08):
He's not the type of personthat will go back to bed ever.
Once he's up, he sits up.
But I felt like I couldn't fixit.
I couldn't get him to smile.
I couldn't change the situation, but what I could do is be
(04:30):
present and I could hold thatspace and that's where part of
my episode I wanted to bring uptoday.
So let's talk about how do youcheer up or bring up your loved
one's spirits.
Bring up your loved one'sspirits.
In moments like these.
The best kind of emotionalsupport isn't about motivating
or silver linings.
It's about presence, stillnessand compassion, even when
(04:55):
they're crabby, even when theydon't talk.
Sometimes all your loved oneneeds is I'm here, or they need
to hear you don't have to talk,or we just sit there and that
(05:16):
may be all they need, and that'swhat they're going to remember.
These words say I see you, Iwon't try to fix this, but
you're not alone and you mightnot be able to fix it, but
you're there as emotionalsupport and your loved one is
caring so much.
Think about it.
They're carrying physical pain,mental and emotional trauma
(05:40):
from being in this situation.
They're carrying uncertainty.
They're grieving their old self, their fear.
Think about it.
When your loved one isn'tspeaking, what are they going
through?
When your loved one is crankyand that's not their personality
(06:03):
what is the reason?
It's okay for them to have lowdays and there's going to be
many low days, unfortunatelywhen you're caregiving for your
loved one and it's okay for youto have them too and I want you
to be that way Even last week Idon't remember if it was
Wednesday or Thursday I said toDennis I'm sorry, I'm not really
talkative today.
I'm here, but I'm off today, andI just acknowledged it and he's
(06:28):
like that's all right, you'rehere today.
We all have our good days andour bad days.
I am blessed to have a husbandthat's so open and honest with
me and I can be open and honestwith him Versus when I would go
to my mom's and if I was havingan off day she would be thinking
about.
She would be saying things likewhat's wrong with you?
Don't you want to be with me?
(06:50):
And that would put me on thedefensive and I'm like no, I'm
just having a bad day.
Sometimes, the most lovingthing you can do is simply sit
beside them in the dark untilthey're ready to reach for the
light, and that's what you wantto do.
So what do you do when you'redoing everything right?
(07:13):
You're showing up, you'restaying patient, you're offering
comfort and still nothingchanges.
Your loved one stays withdrawn,or they're discouraged, or they
spiral into these dark thoughts, or you're left feeling
helpless, defeated or evenrejected.
(07:35):
This one was common for me whenI was caring for my mom, and
I'll give you one example.
My mom had depression and shealways saw the glasses half
empty.
You know, she had her good daysand her high spirits, but when
she had her down days, they werevery down, especially when she
(07:57):
didn't feel good, especiallywhen she was depressed.
There were days I would go toher apartment, sit with her,
make her dinner and we'd cozy uptogether and watch a Hallmark
movie and deep in my mind, all Iwanted to be was to go home.
She always loved a predictablehappy ending, so that's why we
(08:19):
watched a Lifetime movie and fora little while I'd think, okay,
maybe she's turning a corner.
But then, when I'd leave and goback home because it was a
weekday and a few hours later Iget a call from mom, she was in
a dark space again, telling meshe didn't want to live, that
(08:39):
nothing mattered, and it brokemy heart and left me wondering
what else can I do?
What am I missing?
How come I can't fix this?
How come I'm failing as acaregiver.
You know all those things andhere's what I want you to hear.
If you've been here or are goingthrough it right now, if you've
(09:02):
ever felt like your loved oneand support is falling flat,
please know it's not areflection on your effort or
your heart.
Sometimes our loved one is in aplace where we just can't reach
them, and that's not our fault.
Let that sink in.
(09:23):
You are not failing.
You are facing a hard realityand you're still showing up.
I want you to know that,because on those hard days you
need to be going back to thisand maybe you journal that
somewhere.
So you're not failing.
You're facing a hard realityand you're still showing up.
(09:44):
So I want to go through sometips.
When nothing seems to landright for you, let's go out.
Let's go of the pressure firstof all to fix it.
Sometimes your role is not tochange their emotional state,
(10:08):
it's to sit with it and sit withthem in it.
Stop measuring success by theirresponse, and that sometimes is
our people pleaser in us.
But it's easy to think theydidn't smile, they didn't say
thank you.
They're still upset.
Smile, they didn't say thankyou, they're still upset.
So I must not be helping.
(10:29):
But caregiving isn'tperformance-based, it's
presence-based.
Let me repeat it no-transcript.
(10:51):
I want you to pause and assessthe bigger picture.
Ask yourself could this be adeeper mental health concern,
like clinical depression?
That was my mom.
Are they experiencing unmanagedWell?
(11:12):
Dennis had intense, intensediarrhea and his bottom is so
raw right now and the pain is sounmanaged that he was lashing
out, and really not himself.
(11:33):
The poor guy couldn't sit down,and really not himself.
The poor guy couldn't sit down.
And until we talked more aboutwhat could we do to manage the
pain, he finally got a good naptoday when we got him some pain
meds.
Ask yourself could emotionaloverwhelm, grief or fear be
flooding your loved one's system?
(11:55):
A lot of times it's fear.
A lot of times it's grievingtheir old life.
A lot of times they're justoverwhelmed with all of it.
If you're unsure, talk to anurse, talk to a social worker,
talk to the doctor, talk topalliative care.
You do not have to carry thisall on your own.
(12:20):
Bring in support beyond yourself.
Sometimes the best support youcan give is connecting them to
somebody else.
Maybe it's a spiritual leader,like a chaplain, or your priest
or pastor that can talk aboutspiritual distress.
My dad feared dying when he wasin hospice care and he was
(12:43):
angry, he was frustrated andeven when the priest and the
laypersons came and talked tohim he always talked about.
He feared death and he did notwant to die.
Another support person might bea counselor or a therapist for
emotional health.
Do they have a psychiatrist ora psychologist or a support
(13:08):
person that they can talk to?
Or maybe it's a friend or afamily member for a variety of
conversations?
Dennis the other day called hiswork.
He called his boss and said hey, I just want to talk about
something else, how's it goingthere?
And that lifted his spirits fora little bit.
Or maybe it's a support groupso that you don't feel so alone.
(13:32):
Another tip is to reframe yourimpact.
Even if they don't respond,your support is still received.
Reframe that impact.
You are planting seeds ofsafety, love, trust, presence.
You may not bloom today, butthey are there.
(13:56):
Think about that.
They may not bloom today, butyou are there.
Your emotional presence matters, even if it doesn't get a
response.
You are the anchor in theirstorm, even when they can't look
up to see you.
That's hard to take in, becausewe want to fix it, we want to
(14:18):
go ahead and solve issues.
We want to bring their spiritsup, that sort of thing.
It's hard.
So how do we set healthy,loving boundaries?
Let's talk about something thatcan be incredibly hard for
caregivers and that is settingboundaries without guilt.
(14:38):
I call it emotional loadmanagement.
I don't know why, but emotionalload management, or a simpler
version of it, is imaginecarrying an emotional backpack.
That's what I was trying to getat.
Imagine if that backpack is allof your emotions.
(14:58):
You can't carry your lovedone's emotions and your emotions
24-7 without breaking down.
You can't carry yours and yourloved one's 24-7.
Just like climbing a mountain,we have to lighten the load in
(15:19):
our backpack.
You don't take a full suitcaseon a summit.
You carry the essentials and incaregiving, boundaries are
essential.
They are not selfish Boundaries, aren't?
They are a form of love forthem and for you, because if you
decide to carry everything 24-7, you're not going to show up as
(15:43):
your best self.
So one of the boundaries I'veworked really hard on during
this season is right now, inthis space that I'm in, dennis
is impatient, yet hopefully hegets discharged the week that
you're listening to it spacethat I'm in.
Dennis is inpatient, yethopefully he gets discharged the
week that you're listening toit, but I'm not setting my heart
on it too much.
I'm hoping, but it may or maynot happen.
(16:06):
But he's in the hospital andI'm at the housing place across
the street called Kathy's Houseand so during this season I'm
working on not feeling like Ihave to be at the hospital from
(16:27):
open to close.
Visiting hours are from 8 am to8 pm and I see so many
caregivers at Kathy's house herethat leave at eight and don't
come back to eight and they lookexhausted and completely
depleted.
I did this one day and Irealized I just can't do that
(16:52):
every day and still show up as acaregiver.
First of all, you walk over tothe hospital, which is right
across the street, and you checkin on them, but you sit with
them 12 straight hours.
Sure, you might have your lunchwith you, but just being there
(17:12):
12 straight hours unlesssomething is urgent and it's
happening.
I found a rhythm that honorsboth Dennis and myself.
Here's what I've figured outthat works for me.
I arrive around 8.30 to catchthe doctor, the physician's
assistant, talk to the nurses.
(17:34):
He has physical therapy.
We have dieticians.
Usually all of those happenearlier in the morning to
mid-morning so I catch those andthen I stay in the morning
while I see how things are goingand labs and all of his IV and
stuff.
He eats lunch and then weusually go for a few walks in
(17:57):
the hallways.
But by two o'clock I made thehard decision to say enough is
enough and that's long enoughfor Dennis's situation.
He is capable of communication,he's capable of watching TV and
entertaining himself and solong enough to be present, I
(18:22):
think, and supportive and totune in with his care.
And then I go back.
I go back to Kathy's housewhere I eat a later lunch, then
I go for a walk sometime aftermy food, digest a little bit, I
maybe do some chatting withother caregivers, I go ahead and
(18:47):
do some of this podcasting andand putsy things in and then I
have my dinner.
After dinner I usually FaceTimeDennis in the evening to check
I'm here available, so ifsomething would go wrong I can
just go right across.
But honestly, I came back tothe decision because I wanted to
(19:14):
be more grounded, more centeredand more emotionally available,
because by me leaving I canprocess everything and then I
can recharge and breathe andreally show up then the next day
as the best caregiver that Ican be, really show up then the
(19:39):
next day as the best caregiverthat I can be and the best Kathy
I can be, and so I knoweverybody's situation is
different.
But I want you to think aboutwhat can you do, because,
honestly, what's burning you outwould be a question you wanted
to ask yourself.
And then, if that's the case,then how can you set healthy,
loving boundaries?
Now, asking for support is aboundary too, so sometimes
(20:03):
Dennis just needs a voice otherthan mine, especially now when I
sense that that he doesn't seemto want to respond, I reach out
behind the scenes to my threeboys, my grandkids, friends,
(20:27):
co-workers that he might want toconnect with, whether it's a
short text or a phone call or aFaceTime.
It lifts some of that emotionalload off my shoulders and,
truthfully, it helps him too.
Different voices bringdifferent energy, and the same
would apply when I leave at twoin the afternoon.
(20:48):
It gives him an opportunity toconnect closer with his nurses.
When he's going for walks inthe halls he connects with other
people my husband's reallyoutgoing, so I know that's one
of the things that he can do orthe nurses get to.
Sometimes I feel like thenurses.
When I'm sitting in there, theyfeel like they're intruding and
(21:11):
I'm like no, but when he's byhimself, I think he gets a
little bit more care.
Think about it you don't have tobe everything to your loved one
.
You just have to be somethingand rest when needed, and that's
the big thing for you.
So now there are loving, clearand non-apologetic boundaries
(21:34):
that I want to talk about.
That I thought were prettyinteresting too, that when I did
some research, I'm going tostep out for a bit.
You can be honest to say I'mgoing to step out for a bit to
get a breath of fresh air or torecharge a bit.
I'll be back in 30 minutes.
(21:55):
That's a healthy boundary.
I love you.
I'm going to rest now so I canshow up for you later, letting
them know you need a break.
I need a quiet evening tonight,but I'll check in with you
tomorrow.
That could be one too, and soyou're just kind of thinking
about it.
(22:15):
Now you want to be reminded.
Rest is not quitting.
I want you to think about thisSaying not right now is not
neglect.
Stepping away helps you returnwith love, and love, not less.
Boundaries aren't walls to shutpeople out.
(22:37):
They're bridges to help ussustain the love and care we
offer.
So in closing today, my friend,if you're in a season where
your emotional support feelsinvisible, if your encouragement
isn't landing, if your presentgoes unacknowledged or your
(22:58):
boundaries feel shaky at best, Iwant you to know this you are
not failing.
You're human and you're showingup the best way right now you
can, with a full heart of loveand a body that already is doing
more than enough.
The word.
(23:19):
I'm sorry.
This work is sacred.
It's hard.
You deserve rest and room toprotect your energy without
guilt.
So here's your reflection forthis week for us.
What's one emotional boundaryyou could put in place this week
to protect your energy and helpyou show up with calm and
(23:43):
clarity?
I want you to text me this.
Hit that text button.
It says send Kathy a text andthat goes directly to me.
I only see your last fourdigits of your phone number,
just because that's the way theservice works.
So I don't get your phonenumber.
And it shows where youpurchased or where your phone is
(24:06):
located.
So it shows me that I don'treally.
If you want to share your name,then I'll share your name.
If you don't share your name.
That's perfectly fine, but Iwanted to provide you with an
accountability person here.
What's one emotional boundaryyou could put in place this week
(24:27):
to protect your energy and helpyou show up with more calm and
clarity?
Text me that.
Maybe it's a break in your day,maybe it's asking someone to
step in for you for a little bit.
Maybe it's simply saying notright now.
Whatever it is, I want you tohonor it.
(24:49):
I want you to say I'm givingthis gift to myself.
You to say I'm giving this giftto myself and if you feel
called to share it again, textme.
But this is a great journalingactivity for you too.
Let's talk about it and howyou're navigating these hard but
holy moments when you text me.
(25:10):
So I want to thank you forshowing up today and joining me
for part two of thisconversation on emotional
support.
And in case no one has said thistoday, it's thunderstorming
outside so I'm kind of gettingdistracted right now.
But just in case no one hassaid this to you today, you
(25:34):
don't have to hold all the hopealone.
Let others carry it with you.
You are not alone in this.
And when we open our heart tohealthy boundaries, we're almost
like saying, yes, I'm notcarrying all of this.
I need to go ahead and rechargeand for me, letting Dennis with
(26:04):
the nurses and his hospitalteam for the rest of the
afternoon, I'm allowing othersto carry it.
I trust that he's in good hands.
I know that I'm only across thestreet, so that's how I'm
setting healthy boundaries.
Don't get me wrong.
The street, so that's how I'msetting healthy boundaries.
Don't get me wrong.
I could go into this hole whereI feel worry and guilt, but as
soon as I do, I click myself outof it and saying stop.
(26:27):
I'm being the best caregiverthat I can be and I know what I
need to do to show up as my bestself.
And when I'm there with him,I'm in the present, I'm sitting
with him, I feel well rested, Ifeel like I can provide the
emotional support that I can.
(26:48):
If I do it 12 hours a day,there is no way I'd probably be
crying, I'd probably be crabby.
So until next time, my friend.
Again, thank you for showing uptoday.
Thank you for listening to theCaregiver Cup podcast.
It means the world to me.
If you like this episode, byall means click the five stars
(27:14):
or follow me, or share it with afriend, and remember my friend,
you're not alone and it's soimportant to continue to fill
your cup each and every day,even if it's just a small little
break Until next time, myfriend.
We'll see you again next week.
Bye for now.
Well, welcome, my friend, to another episode of
the Caregiver Cup podcast.
It's Kathy here.
I'm so glad you're joining metoday.
Hey, last week we explored whatemotional support really looks
like in caregiving how to showup with empathy, create micro
moments of motivation andprotect your energy along the
way.
But, as you and I know,sometimes that's just not enough
(00:24):
.
So this week I'm diving intothe harder side of emotional
caregiving the moments thatbreak our hearts, test our
patience and stretch ourstrength.
So we're going to cover what dowe do when our loved one
doesn't want encouragement, whathappens when our support just
isn't helping, and how do weprotect our energy without
(00:48):
carrying that guilt and thatworry, all that stuff that comes
with it?
So let's talk about somethingthat doesn't get shared enough
as our first part of thisepisode what do you do when your
loved one doesn't want to bemotivated?
There are days, sometimes weeks, when no amount of
(01:11):
encouragement or support willland.
Your loved one might shut downemotionally, they might withdraw
, they might lash out or losetheir energy to even speak to
you, and, as caregivers, theycan leave us feeling helpless,
heartbroken and more Well, I'mgoing to share just a common one
(01:32):
right now that I'm goingthrough in this season when
Dennis is going through histransplant process and this
happened with Dennis this week.
He had major and he's stillhaving major GI issues from the
transplant treatment.
Hours upon hours spent in thebathroom, this poor guy, the
pain that made it nearlyimpossible for him to sit down,
(01:59):
an exhaustion that drains everybit of his spirit.
And so, even though he followsevery protocol, using the creams
, he's taking the meds, he'strying to go ahead and move a
little bit instead of just kindof sitting.
But most of the time when hestands up he has to go to the
bathroom.
(02:19):
And I don't mean to laughFunny-wise, I laugh because it's
just unbelievable.
Nothing seems to ease hisdiscomfort and when I'm there in
person, he talks to me and thenhe's off to the bathroom.
I tried to FaceTime him aftervisiting hours one night just to
(02:40):
check on him.
But he gets on the phone orbrings up FaceTime and then he
drops it and says I can't talkto you on him.
But he gets on the phone orbrings up FaceTime and then he
drops it and says I can't talkto you right now.
And he messaged me later andhe's only texting because he
said I have to run to thebathroom again.
And when I was with him inperson.
He's so depleted, he's eitherfrustrated or he doesn't say
(03:04):
anything.
He's very quiet and if you knowmy husband, he likes to gab so
much that I want to walk awaysometimes because he gabs so
much.
And then there's times whenhe's even crabby and honestly,
who wouldn't be in his situation?
He kept saying things to melike I'm not being a very good
(03:25):
host to you.
You come all this way and Idon't want to talk, or I'm just
crabby.
That one hit me hard when hesaid I'm not being a very good
host here.
He was trying to apologize forbeing sick, for not having the
energy to chat or laugh or evenengage, and all I could do in
(03:46):
that moment was reassure him andI would say you're not here to
entertain me, dennis.
You're here to heal and I'mhere for you.
When he finally fell asleeptoday, for example, after hours
of discomfort, I just sat besidehim and felt this deep sense of
gratitude that he was finallyresting.
(04:08):
He's not the type of personthat will go back to bed ever.
Once he's up, he sits up.
But I felt like I couldn't fixit.
I couldn't get him to smile.
I couldn't change the situation, but what I could do is be
(04:30):
present and I could hold thatspace and that's where part of
my episode I wanted to bring uptoday.
So let's talk about how do youcheer up or bring up your loved
one's spirits.
Bring up your loved one'sspirits.
In moments like these.
The best kind of emotionalsupport isn't about motivating
or silver linings.
It's about presence, stillnessand compassion, even when
(04:55):
they're crabby, even when theydon't talk.
Sometimes all your loved oneneeds is I'm here, or they need
to hear you don't have to talk,or we just sit there and that
(05:16):
may be all they need, and that'swhat they're going to remember.
These words say I see you, Iwon't try to fix this, but
you're not alone and you mightnot be able to fix it, but
you're there as emotionalsupport and your loved one is
caring so much.
Think about it.
They're carrying physical pain,mental and emotional trauma
(05:40):
from being in this situation.
They're carrying uncertainty.
They're grieving their old self, their fear.
Think about it.
When your loved one isn'tspeaking, what are they going
through?
When your loved one is crankyand that's not their personality
(06:03):
what is the reason?
It's okay for them to have lowdays and there's going to be
many low days, unfortunatelywhen you're caregiving for your
loved one and it's okay for youto have them too and I want you
to be that way Even last week Idon't remember if it was
Wednesday or Thursday I said toDennis I'm sorry, I'm not really
talkative today.
I'm here, but I'm off today, andI just acknowledged it and he's
(06:28):
like that's all right, you'rehere today.
We all have our good days andour bad days.
I am blessed to have a husbandthat's so open and honest with
me and I can be open and honestwith him Versus when I would go
to my mom's and if I was havingan off day she would be thinking
about.
She would be saying things likewhat's wrong with you?
Don't you want to be with me?
(06:50):
And that would put me on thedefensive and I'm like no, I'm
just having a bad day.
Sometimes, the most lovingthing you can do is simply sit
beside them in the dark untilthey're ready to reach for the
light, and that's what you wantto do.
So what do you do when you'redoing everything right?
(07:13):
You're showing up, you'restaying patient, you're offering
comfort and still nothingchanges.
Your loved one stays withdrawn,or they're discouraged, or they
spiral into these dark thoughts, or you're left feeling
helpless, defeated or evenrejected.
(07:35):
This one was common for me whenI was caring for my mom, and
I'll give you one example.
My mom had depression and shealways saw the glasses half
empty.
You know, she had her good daysand her high spirits, but when
she had her down days, they werevery down, especially when she
(07:57):
didn't feel good, especiallywhen she was depressed.
There were days I would go toher apartment, sit with her,
make her dinner and we'd cozy uptogether and watch a Hallmark
movie and deep in my mind, all Iwanted to be was to go home.
She always loved a predictablehappy ending, so that's why we
(08:19):
watched a Lifetime movie and fora little while I'd think, okay,
maybe she's turning a corner.
But then, when I'd leave and goback home because it was a
weekday and a few hours later Iget a call from mom, she was in
a dark space again, telling meshe didn't want to live, that
(08:39):
nothing mattered, and it brokemy heart and left me wondering
what else can I do?
What am I missing?
How come I can't fix this?
How come I'm failing as acaregiver.
You know all those things andhere's what I want you to hear.
If you've been here or are goingthrough it right now, if you've
(09:02):
ever felt like your loved oneand support is falling flat,
please know it's not areflection on your effort or
your heart.
Sometimes our loved one is in aplace where we just can't reach
them, and that's not our fault.
Let that sink in.
(09:23):
You are not failing.
You are facing a hard realityand you're still showing up.
I want you to know that,because on those hard days you
need to be going back to thisand maybe you journal that
somewhere.
So you're not failing.
You're facing a hard realityand you're still showing up.
(09:44):
So I want to go through sometips.
When nothing seems to landright for you, let's go out.
Let's go of the pressure firstof all to fix it.
Sometimes your role is not tochange their emotional state,
(10:08):
it's to sit with it and sit withthem in it.
Stop measuring success by theirresponse, and that sometimes is
our people pleaser in us.
But it's easy to think theydidn't smile, they didn't say
thank you.
They're still upset.
Smile, they didn't say thankyou, they're still upset.
So I must not be helping.
(10:29):
But caregiving isn'tperformance-based, it's
presence-based.
Let me repeat it no-transcript.
(10:51):
I want you to pause and assessthe bigger picture.
Ask yourself could this be adeeper mental health concern,
like clinical depression?
That was my mom.
Are they experiencing unmanagedWell?
(11:12):
Dennis had intense, intensediarrhea and his bottom is so
raw right now and the pain is sounmanaged that he was lashing
out, and really not himself.
(11:33):
The poor guy couldn't sit down,and really not himself.
The poor guy couldn't sit down.
And until we talked more aboutwhat could we do to manage the
pain, he finally got a good naptoday when we got him some pain
meds.
Ask yourself could emotionaloverwhelm, grief or fear be
flooding your loved one's system?
(11:55):
A lot of times it's fear.
A lot of times it's grievingtheir old life.
A lot of times they're justoverwhelmed with all of it.
If you're unsure, talk to anurse, talk to a social worker,
talk to the doctor, talk topalliative care.
You do not have to carry thisall on your own.
(12:20):
Bring in support beyond yourself.
Sometimes the best support youcan give is connecting them to
somebody else.
Maybe it's a spiritual leader,like a chaplain, or your priest
or pastor that can talk aboutspiritual distress.
My dad feared dying when he wasin hospice care and he was
(12:43):
angry, he was frustrated andeven when the priest and the
laypersons came and talked tohim he always talked about.
He feared death and he did notwant to die.
Another support person might bea counselor or a therapist for
emotional health.
Do they have a psychiatrist ora psychologist or a support
(13:08):
person that they can talk to?
Or maybe it's a friend or afamily member for a variety of
conversations?
Dennis the other day called hiswork.
He called his boss and said hey, I just want to talk about
something else, how's it goingthere?
And that lifted his spirits fora little bit.
Or maybe it's a support groupso that you don't feel so alone.
(13:32):
Another tip is to reframe yourimpact.
Even if they don't respond,your support is still received.
Reframe that impact.
You are planting seeds ofsafety, love, trust, presence.
You may not bloom today, butthey are there.
(13:56):
Think about that.
They may not bloom today, butyou are there.
Your emotional presence matters, even if it doesn't get a
response.
You are the anchor in theirstorm, even when they can't look
up to see you.
That's hard to take in, becausewe want to fix it, we want to
(14:18):
go ahead and solve issues.
We want to bring their spiritsup, that sort of thing.
It's hard.
So how do we set healthy,loving boundaries?
Let's talk about something thatcan be incredibly hard for
caregivers and that is settingboundaries without guilt.
(14:38):
I call it emotional loadmanagement.
I don't know why, but emotionalload management, or a simpler
version of it, is imaginecarrying an emotional backpack.
That's what I was trying to getat.
Imagine if that backpack is allof your emotions.
(14:58):
You can't carry your lovedone's emotions and your emotions
24-7 without breaking down.
You can't carry yours and yourloved one's 24-7.
Just like climbing a mountain,we have to lighten the load in
(15:19):
our backpack.
You don't take a full suitcaseon a summit.
You carry the essentials and incaregiving, boundaries are
essential.
They are not selfish Boundaries, aren't?
They are a form of love forthem and for you, because if you
decide to carry everything 24-7, you're not going to show up as
(15:43):
your best self.
So one of the boundaries I'veworked really hard on during
this season is right now, inthis space that I'm in, dennis
is impatient, yet hopefully hegets discharged the week that
you're listening to it spacethat I'm in.
Dennis is inpatient, yethopefully he gets discharged the
week that you're listening toit, but I'm not setting my heart
on it too much.
I'm hoping, but it may or maynot happen.
(16:06):
But he's in the hospital andI'm at the housing place across
the street called Kathy's Houseand so during this season I'm
working on not feeling like Ihave to be at the hospital from
(16:27):
open to close.
Visiting hours are from 8 am to8 pm and I see so many
caregivers at Kathy's house herethat leave at eight and don't
come back to eight and they lookexhausted and completely
depleted.
I did this one day and Irealized I just can't do that
(16:52):
every day and still show up as acaregiver.
First of all, you walk over tothe hospital, which is right
across the street, and you checkin on them, but you sit with
them 12 straight hours.
Sure, you might have your lunchwith you, but just being there
(17:12):
12 straight hours unlesssomething is urgent and it's
happening.
I found a rhythm that honorsboth Dennis and myself.
Here's what I've figured outthat works for me.
I arrive around 8.30 to catchthe doctor, the physician's
assistant, talk to the nurses.
(17:34):
He has physical therapy.
We have dieticians.
Usually all of those happenearlier in the morning to
mid-morning so I catch those andthen I stay in the morning
while I see how things are goingand labs and all of his IV and
stuff.
He eats lunch and then weusually go for a few walks in
(17:57):
the hallways.
But by two o'clock I made thehard decision to say enough is
enough and that's long enoughfor Dennis's situation.
He is capable of communication,he's capable of watching TV and
entertaining himself and solong enough to be present, I
(18:22):
think, and supportive and totune in with his care.
And then I go back.
I go back to Kathy's housewhere I eat a later lunch, then
I go for a walk sometime aftermy food, digest a little bit, I
maybe do some chatting withother caregivers, I go ahead and
(18:47):
do some of this podcasting andand putsy things in and then I
have my dinner.
After dinner I usually FaceTimeDennis in the evening to check
I'm here available, so ifsomething would go wrong I can
just go right across.
But honestly, I came back tothe decision because I wanted to
(19:14):
be more grounded, more centeredand more emotionally available,
because by me leaving I canprocess everything and then I
can recharge and breathe andreally show up then the next day
as the best caregiver that Ican be, really show up then the
(19:39):
next day as the best caregiverthat I can be and the best Kathy
I can be, and so I knoweverybody's situation is
different.
But I want you to think aboutwhat can you do, because,
honestly, what's burning you outwould be a question you wanted
to ask yourself.
And then, if that's the case,then how can you set healthy,
loving boundaries?
Now, asking for support is aboundary too, so sometimes
(20:03):
Dennis just needs a voice otherthan mine, especially now when I
sense that that he doesn't seemto want to respond, I reach out
behind the scenes to my threeboys, my grandkids, friends,
(20:27):
co-workers that he might want toconnect with, whether it's a
short text or a phone call or aFaceTime.
It lifts some of that emotionalload off my shoulders and,
truthfully, it helps him too.
Different voices bringdifferent energy, and the same
would apply when I leave at twoin the afternoon.
(20:48):
It gives him an opportunity toconnect closer with his nurses.
When he's going for walks inthe halls he connects with other
people my husband's reallyoutgoing, so I know that's one
of the things that he can do orthe nurses get to.
Sometimes I feel like thenurses.
When I'm sitting in there, theyfeel like they're intruding and
(21:11):
I'm like no, but when he's byhimself, I think he gets a
little bit more care.
Think about it you don't have tobe everything to your loved one
.
You just have to be somethingand rest when needed, and that's
the big thing for you.
So now there are loving, clearand non-apologetic boundaries
(21:34):
that I want to talk about.
That I thought were prettyinteresting too, that when I did
some research, I'm going tostep out for a bit.
You can be honest to say I'mgoing to step out for a bit to
get a breath of fresh air or torecharge a bit.
I'll be back in 30 minutes.
(21:55):
That's a healthy boundary.
I love you.
I'm going to rest now so I canshow up for you later, letting
them know you need a break.
I need a quiet evening tonight,but I'll check in with you
tomorrow.
That could be one too, and soyou're just kind of thinking
about it.
(22:15):
Now you want to be reminded.
Rest is not quitting.
I want you to think about thisSaying not right now is not
neglect.
Stepping away helps you returnwith love, and love, not less.
Boundaries aren't walls to shutpeople out.
(22:37):
They're bridges to help ussustain the love and care we
offer.
So in closing today, my friend,if you're in a season where
your emotional support feelsinvisible, if your encouragement
isn't landing, if your presentgoes unacknowledged or your
(22:58):
boundaries feel shaky at best, Iwant you to know this you are
not failing.
You're human and you're showingup the best way right now you
can, with a full heart of loveand a body that already is doing
more than enough.
The word.
(23:19):
I'm sorry.
This work is sacred.
It's hard.
You deserve rest and room toprotect your energy without
guilt.
So here's your reflection forthis week for us.
What's one emotional boundaryyou could put in place this week
to protect your energy and helpyou show up with calm and
(23:43):
clarity?
I want you to text me this.
Hit that text button.
It says send Kathy a text andthat goes directly to me.
I only see your last fourdigits of your phone number,
just because that's the way theservice works.
So I don't get your phonenumber.
And it shows where youpurchased or where your phone is
(24:06):
located.
So it shows me that I don'treally.
If you want to share your name,then I'll share your name.
If you don't share your name.
That's perfectly fine, but Iwanted to provide you with an
accountability person here.
What's one emotional boundaryyou could put in place this week
(24:27):
to protect your energy and helpyou show up with more calm and
clarity?
Text me that.
Maybe it's a break in your day,maybe it's asking someone to
step in for you for a little bit.
Maybe it's simply saying notright now.
Whatever it is, I want you tohonor it.
(24:49):
I want you to say I'm givingthis gift to myself.
You to say I'm giving this giftto myself and if you feel
called to share it again, textme.
But this is a great journalingactivity for you too.
Let's talk about it and howyou're navigating these hard but
holy moments when you text me.
(25:10):
So I want to thank you forshowing up today and joining me
for part two of thisconversation on emotional
support.
And in case no one has said thistoday, it's thunderstorming
outside so I'm kind of gettingdistracted right now.
But just in case no one hassaid this to you today, you
(25:34):
don't have to hold all the hopealone.
Let others carry it with you.
You are not alone in this.
And when we open our heart tohealthy boundaries, we're almost
like saying, yes, I'm notcarrying all of this.
I need to go ahead and rechargeand for me, letting Dennis with
(26:04):
the nurses and his hospitalteam for the rest of the
afternoon, I'm allowing othersto carry it.
I trust that he's in good hands.
I know that I'm only across thestreet, so that's how I'm
setting healthy boundaries.
Don't get me wrong.
The street, so that's how I'msetting healthy boundaries.
Don't get me wrong.
I could go into this hole whereI feel worry and guilt, but as
soon as I do, I click myself outof it and saying stop.
(26:27):
I'm being the best caregiverthat I can be and I know what I
need to do to show up as my bestself.
And when I'm there with him,I'm in the present, I'm sitting
with him, I feel well rested, Ifeel like I can provide the
emotional support that I can.
(26:48):
If I do it 12 hours a day,there is no way I'd probably be
crying, I'd probably be crabby.
So until next time, my friend.
Again, thank you for showing uptoday.
Thank you for listening to theCaregiver Cup podcast.
It means the world to me.
If you like this episode, byall means click the five stars
(27:14):
or follow me, or share it with afriend, and remember my friend,
you're not alone and it's soimportant to continue to fill
your cup each and every day,even if it's just a small little
break Until next time, myfriend.
We'll see you again next week.
Bye for now.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.