June 1, 2025 • 11 mins
In this episode, we address a common concern among families—distinguishing between a child's anxiety and personal preferences. We explore how to identify if a child's behavior is driven by anxiety or simply a lack of interest in certain activities. Tune in to gain insights on this important topic and learn strategies to better understand your child's needs. Don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to my podcast for more valuable content!
Takeaways:
- Understanding the distinction between a child's anxiety and their preferences is crucial.
- Avoidance behaviors in children may indicate anxiety, requiring careful observation and support.
- Encouraging children to experiment with their fears can help differentiate anxiety from preference.
- Social anxiety often overlaps with introversion, necessitating nuanced approaches for understanding children's behaviors.
- Parents should consider their child's interests and motivations when addressing anxiety-related issues.
- Regular engagement in anxiety-provoking situations can enhance a child's coping skills and resilience.
Links referenced in this episode:
- childanxietysupport.com/podcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the Child AnxietyFAC podcast.
FAC stands for FrequentlyAsked Questions, and I'm answering
listener questions about childand teen anxiety.
My name is Dawn Friedman and Ihave been working with kids and families
for more than three decades asa preschool teacher, parent educator,
(00:21):
family case manager, clinicalcounselor, and now as the owner and
operator of Child AnxietySupport, where I help parents of
anxious kids.
And this episode's questionis, how do I know if it's my child's
anxiety or a preference?
Specifically, this parent isasking about their child's avoidance.
(00:41):
They understand that anxietyis about avoidance, that we look
for the things our child isavoiding because those things make
them upset and uncomfortableand we help them figure out how to
go towards it.
And this family is wondering,so how do I know if this is anxiety
and something we need to gotowards, or is this my child's preference?
(01:04):
In other words, do they justnot care for the thing?
That's a good question.
And we're not always going toknow the answer, which means we might
need to experiment a littlebit and our child might need to experiment
a little bit.
And actually, for thisepisode, I'm going to use myself
as an example because I am anintrovert, meaning I really enjoy
(01:29):
my own company.
I don't always want to go toan event where there's going to be
a lot of people.
I may not enjoy the kinds ofgroup events that other people enjoy,
or I may not always enjoy it.
I may need to protect mycapacity a little bit as a clinical
counselor and someone whocoaches parents.
(01:50):
I do a lot of one on one work,and that means at the end of a workday,
I maybe don't want to go andhang out with friends.
Not because I don't love myfriends, but because I've been peopled
out.
And that's a preference.
However, I also have socialanxiety, which means that sometimes
at group events I get reallyanxious and I struggle with negative
(02:15):
feelings and thinking errors,negative cognitions about social
events.
And that might look likegoing, probably nobody wants me to
come.
What if I say something stupidand people get mad at me?
What if I show up and I'm notwearing the right clothes or I'm
not behaving in the right way?
(02:35):
And that's social anxiety.
And again, if I have had a dayfull of people and I'm a little peopled
out, I may have more socialanxiety because my coping capacity
is also all the way at the edge.
Recently I got invited to anevent and it's the kind of event
(02:57):
I don't usually enjoy a lot ofsmall talk, a lot of meeting new
people, not really clearexpectations about what I'm supposed
to do or how I'm supposed to behave.
And I thought, do I not wantto go?
Because that's not my idea ofa great time.
It's got a lot of aspects toit that are not my favorite as an
(03:21):
introvert.
Introverts tend to not likesmall talk.
Introverts tend to not likeunclear expectations that they can
sort of rest on.
Introverts don't necessarilylike meeting a ton of new people
all at once.
Or is this my social anxiety?
Because this is an event thatis unfamiliar to me with a bunch
(03:43):
of new people.
And I really wasn't sure Idecided to err on the side of this
is my introversion.
And when it's my introversion,I can often go and have fun.
Anyway, what I ended up doingwas going and pushing through my
social anxiety to get there.
And then once I was there, Irealized, oh, yeah, this isn't really
my thing, I'm going to head home.
(04:06):
I didn't want to skip it sinceI wasn't sure.
Is this social anxiety?
Is this my introversion?
If it's my social anxiety, Iwant to go towards it.
I want to stretch my abilityto do things that are hard for me.
And when I got there, Irealized, oh, my introversion is
saying, this is not a greatfit for me.
I'm going to go ahead home.
On the other hand, I do a lotof public speaking.
(04:26):
Ironically, public speakingcan be easier for people with social
anxiety because it gives ussomething to do.
That is a thing I can do.
I have a role to play.
I, I am going to speak andafterwards I will answer questions
and that is a more comfortableway for me to participate.
So I, I go to these events.
I often have a lot of socialanxiety before I go, right?
(04:47):
Because public speaking,anxiety provoking.
But I end up having a goodtime because I really like having
that role to play.
I really like knowing what theexpectations are and I really like
meeting people when it's notgoing to be small talk as much.
We're going to be talking moreabout the specific topic that we're
(05:08):
all at the conference for.
So, for example, I speak a lotat early childhood conferences and
I like to hear about people'sjobs as early childhood educators.
I like to hear about their challenges.
I enjoy knowing more aboutthem in the context of their work.
So that is easy for me toovercome my social anxiety because
(05:31):
it's a Good fit for my introversion.
Is this making sense?
But I have to experimentbecause I don't always know.
There's a lot of overlap inintroversion and social anxiety.
And I try to go towards thingsbecause I don't want to miss out.
My anxiety encourages me tomiss out.
But also I am open to learningthat it's just a poor fit for me
(05:53):
as a preference.
If you have a child, forexample, who doesn't want to learn
to ski and you say, is thistheir anxiety?
Are they afraid of the risksof skiing?
Are they afraid of goingdownhill quickly?
Are they afraid of not knowinghow to do it in front of people?
Is there some social anxietyor performance anxiety there or is
(06:14):
it a preference?
They don't like the cold andthey don't like skiing.
Well, to figure it out, youmay want to look back at other things
they enjoy.
Is this a child who generallydoes not like big muscle activities,
who doesn't like the outdoors,who doesn't like winter clothes,
then maybe it's a preference.
On the other hand, is it achild who does like those things,
(06:37):
who likes moving quickly, wholikes building skills, building athletic
skills, then it might beanxiety and it's worth going towards.
You can ask your child to trythings and report back.
That's a big part of whatwe're doing with anxious kids, is
encouraging them to try.
(06:58):
So instead of saying to them,try it, you're going to love it,
try it, it's going to be worth it.
You can say, you got to try itto know for sure.
So let's try it and give mefeedback as we go.
I'm interested in hearing yourexperience with it.
When I was working with kidsclinically, I would talk to them
(07:19):
about being anxietydetectives, like, can you see where
the anxiety is and where thediscomfort is and where it seems
worth it to push through?
When we're working on anxiety,I like kids to have some goals for
themselves.
Now, you know, in my program,in my child anxiety program, I am
(07:39):
working with parentsspecifically and I'm not looking
necessarily for where thechild is motivated, although it might
be part of what we're exploring.
When I'm coaching families andtalking to them about creating a
plan for their kids.
But when I'm working with kidsabout learning some anti anxiety
skills, I'm looking for wherethey might have motivation and that's
(08:03):
where they are feeling likethey're missing out.
When you're trying to figureout is it anxiety or a preference,
or try to understand, do theyfeel like they're Missing out on
something.
Do they seem to have some regret?
Are they pulled towards the thing?
If they're not, it may be a preference.
(08:26):
This can be trickier.
When we're talking aboutthings like kids sleeping by themselves,
they're often not pulled tothat at all.
And there is preference, butthat's when it's really important.
We're working with parentsbecause the kids, again, don't have
an interest.
It's all going to be on the parents.
However, for a kid who say,wants to learn to sleep by themselves
(08:47):
because they really want to goto a slumber party and they want
to deal with theirhomesickness, which is anxiety about
not being home, about beingaway from their parents, a little
separation anxiety, which is anormal thing for kids to work through,
they might be more motivatedto work through it because they really
want to do that slumber party.
(09:08):
And that would be a goodtarget for, for them to work on their
anxiety.
So when you're asking, is itmy child's anxiety or a preference?
First of all, it may notmatter so much unless you want to
use that area to work on theircapacity to go towards their anxiety.
(09:29):
If you're not working withthem specifically about it, then
it's about, well, what does itmean for the family?
If your child is notinterested in skiing and you really
want the whole family to skiand somebody doesn't want to stay
in the lodge with them, that'smore complicated, right?
You're like, so does that meanthat we need to create an exposure
(09:50):
plan for skiing or does thatmean as a preference we need to consider
their preference about it?
That's a very personaldecision and it has to do with, with
a whole lot of other thingsgoing on for the family.
I would say it's not a greatinitial target to have.
(10:11):
If you are just diving in toanxiety work with your family.
Skiing or those one off eventsare not it.
When we're doing anxiety workand we're targeting the family's
parenting pitfalls, it'simportant to have something that's
happening more regularly than skiing.
And unless you ski everysingle day as a family, which I guess
(10:35):
could happen, although I can'treally imagine a scenario where that's
a thing.
It wouldn't be a great targetnot to start with.
I would suggest starting at aneveryday thing and getting a better
understanding of your child inthe context of their anxiety and
then looking at these otherareas, you'll have a better idea
(10:56):
of how anxiety looks for your child.
You'll have a better ideaabout unpacking your own expectations
for your child.
And then when you're lookingfor preference or anxiety, you will
have more expertise to bringto your observations.
If you have questionsspecifically about your child, you
(11:17):
can head to my website,childanxietysupport.com check out
my programs, see if they'd bea good fit for your family, and if
you're not sure, schedule a 20minute consultation with me.
Ask me more about what it isthat I do, let me know what's going
on with your kids and I'lldirect you to where you can get the
most help.
Thanks and I'll see you on thenext episode.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the Child AnxietyFAC podcast.
FAC stands for FrequentlyAsked Questions, and I'm answering
listener questions about childand teen anxiety.
My name is Dawn Friedman and Ihave been working with kids and families
for more than three decades asa preschool teacher, parent educator,
(00:21):
family case manager, clinicalcounselor, and now as the owner and
operator of Child AnxietySupport, where I help parents of
anxious kids.
And this episode's questionis, how do I know if it's my child's
anxiety or a preference?
Specifically, this parent isasking about their child's avoidance.
(00:41):
They understand that anxietyis about avoidance, that we look
for the things our child isavoiding because those things make
them upset and uncomfortableand we help them figure out how to
go towards it.
And this family is wondering,so how do I know if this is anxiety
and something we need to gotowards, or is this my child's preference?
(01:04):
In other words, do they justnot care for the thing?
That's a good question.
And we're not always going toknow the answer, which means we might
need to experiment a littlebit and our child might need to experiment
a little bit.
And actually, for thisepisode, I'm going to use myself
as an example because I am anintrovert, meaning I really enjoy
(01:29):
my own company.
I don't always want to go toan event where there's going to be
a lot of people.
I may not enjoy the kinds ofgroup events that other people enjoy,
or I may not always enjoy it.
I may need to protect mycapacity a little bit as a clinical
counselor and someone whocoaches parents.
(01:50):
I do a lot of one on one work,and that means at the end of a workday,
I maybe don't want to go andhang out with friends.
Not because I don't love myfriends, but because I've been peopled
out.
And that's a preference.
However, I also have socialanxiety, which means that sometimes
at group events I get reallyanxious and I struggle with negative
(02:15):
feelings and thinking errors,negative cognitions about social
events.
And that might look likegoing, probably nobody wants me to
come.
What if I say something stupidand people get mad at me?
What if I show up and I'm notwearing the right clothes or I'm
not behaving in the right way?
(02:35):
And that's social anxiety.
And again, if I have had a dayfull of people and I'm a little peopled
out, I may have more socialanxiety because my coping capacity
is also all the way at the edge.
Recently I got invited to anevent and it's the kind of event
(02:57):
I don't usually enjoy a lot ofsmall talk, a lot of meeting new
people, not really clearexpectations about what I'm supposed
to do or how I'm supposed to behave.
And I thought, do I not wantto go?
Because that's not my idea ofa great time.
It's got a lot of aspects toit that are not my favorite as an
(03:21):
introvert.
Introverts tend to not likesmall talk.
Introverts tend to not likeunclear expectations that they can
sort of rest on.
Introverts don't necessarilylike meeting a ton of new people
all at once.
Or is this my social anxiety?
Because this is an event thatis unfamiliar to me with a bunch
(03:43):
of new people.
And I really wasn't sure Idecided to err on the side of this
is my introversion.
And when it's my introversion,I can often go and have fun.
Anyway, what I ended up doingwas going and pushing through my
social anxiety to get there.
And then once I was there, Irealized, oh, yeah, this isn't really
my thing, I'm going to head home.
(04:06):
I didn't want to skip it sinceI wasn't sure.
Is this social anxiety?
Is this my introversion?
If it's my social anxiety, Iwant to go towards it.
I want to stretch my abilityto do things that are hard for me.
And when I got there, Irealized, oh, my introversion is
saying, this is not a greatfit for me.
I'm going to go ahead home.
On the other hand, I do a lotof public speaking.
(04:26):
Ironically, public speakingcan be easier for people with social
anxiety because it gives ussomething to do.
That is a thing I can do.
I have a role to play.
I, I am going to speak andafterwards I will answer questions
and that is a more comfortableway for me to participate.
So I, I go to these events.
I often have a lot of socialanxiety before I go, right?
(04:47):
Because public speaking,anxiety provoking.
But I end up having a goodtime because I really like having
that role to play.
I really like knowing what theexpectations are and I really like
meeting people when it's notgoing to be small talk as much.
We're going to be talking moreabout the specific topic that we're
(05:08):
all at the conference for.
So, for example, I speak a lotat early childhood conferences and
I like to hear about people'sjobs as early childhood educators.
I like to hear about their challenges.
I enjoy knowing more aboutthem in the context of their work.
So that is easy for me toovercome my social anxiety because
(05:31):
it's a Good fit for my introversion.
Is this making sense?
But I have to experimentbecause I don't always know.
There's a lot of overlap inintroversion and social anxiety.
And I try to go towards thingsbecause I don't want to miss out.
My anxiety encourages me tomiss out.
But also I am open to learningthat it's just a poor fit for me
(05:53):
as a preference.
If you have a child, forexample, who doesn't want to learn
to ski and you say, is thistheir anxiety?
Are they afraid of the risksof skiing?
Are they afraid of goingdownhill quickly?
Are they afraid of not knowinghow to do it in front of people?
Is there some social anxietyor performance anxiety there or is
(06:14):
it a preference?
They don't like the cold andthey don't like skiing.
Well, to figure it out, youmay want to look back at other things
they enjoy.
Is this a child who generallydoes not like big muscle activities,
who doesn't like the outdoors,who doesn't like winter clothes,
then maybe it's a preference.
On the other hand, is it achild who does like those things,
(06:37):
who likes moving quickly, wholikes building skills, building athletic
skills, then it might beanxiety and it's worth going towards.
You can ask your child to trythings and report back.
That's a big part of whatwe're doing with anxious kids, is
encouraging them to try.
(06:58):
So instead of saying to them,try it, you're going to love it,
try it, it's going to be worth it.
You can say, you got to try itto know for sure.
So let's try it and give mefeedback as we go.
I'm interested in hearing yourexperience with it.
When I was working with kidsclinically, I would talk to them
(07:19):
about being anxietydetectives, like, can you see where
the anxiety is and where thediscomfort is and where it seems
worth it to push through?
When we're working on anxiety,I like kids to have some goals for
themselves.
Now, you know, in my program,in my child anxiety program, I am
(07:39):
working with parentsspecifically and I'm not looking
necessarily for where thechild is motivated, although it might
be part of what we're exploring.
When I'm coaching families andtalking to them about creating a
plan for their kids.
But when I'm working with kidsabout learning some anti anxiety
skills, I'm looking for wherethey might have motivation and that's
(08:03):
where they are feeling likethey're missing out.
When you're trying to figureout is it anxiety or a preference,
or try to understand, do theyfeel like they're Missing out on
something.
Do they seem to have some regret?
Are they pulled towards the thing?
If they're not, it may be a preference.
(08:26):
This can be trickier.
When we're talking aboutthings like kids sleeping by themselves,
they're often not pulled tothat at all.
And there is preference, butthat's when it's really important.
We're working with parentsbecause the kids, again, don't have
an interest.
It's all going to be on the parents.
However, for a kid who say,wants to learn to sleep by themselves
(08:47):
because they really want to goto a slumber party and they want
to deal with theirhomesickness, which is anxiety about
not being home, about beingaway from their parents, a little
separation anxiety, which is anormal thing for kids to work through,
they might be more motivatedto work through it because they really
want to do that slumber party.
(09:08):
And that would be a goodtarget for, for them to work on their
anxiety.
So when you're asking, is itmy child's anxiety or a preference?
First of all, it may notmatter so much unless you want to
use that area to work on theircapacity to go towards their anxiety.
(09:29):
If you're not working withthem specifically about it, then
it's about, well, what does itmean for the family?
If your child is notinterested in skiing and you really
want the whole family to skiand somebody doesn't want to stay
in the lodge with them, that'smore complicated, right?
You're like, so does that meanthat we need to create an exposure
(09:50):
plan for skiing or does thatmean as a preference we need to consider
their preference about it?
That's a very personaldecision and it has to do with, with
a whole lot of other thingsgoing on for the family.
I would say it's not a greatinitial target to have.
(10:11):
If you are just diving in toanxiety work with your family.
Skiing or those one off eventsare not it.
When we're doing anxiety workand we're targeting the family's
parenting pitfalls, it'simportant to have something that's
happening more regularly than skiing.
And unless you ski everysingle day as a family, which I guess
(10:35):
could happen, although I can'treally imagine a scenario where that's
a thing.
It wouldn't be a great targetnot to start with.
I would suggest starting at aneveryday thing and getting a better
understanding of your child inthe context of their anxiety and
then looking at these otherareas, you'll have a better idea
(10:56):
of how anxiety looks for your child.
You'll have a better ideaabout unpacking your own expectations
for your child.
And then when you're lookingfor preference or anxiety, you will
have more expertise to bringto your observations.
If you have questionsspecifically about your child, you
(11:17):
can head to my website,childanxietysupport.com check out
my programs, see if they'd bea good fit for your family, and if
you're not sure, schedule a 20minute consultation with me.
Ask me more about what it isthat I do, let me know what's going
on with your kids and I'lldirect you to where you can get the
most help.
Thanks and I'll see you on thenext episode.
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