July 30, 2025 • 21 mins
They say teens pulling away is just normal. But… what if it’s not?
In this powerful episode, Christy-Faith unpacks a cultural shift that’s quietly unraveling the parent-child bond: peer orientation.
Drawing from the parenting classic Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Gordon Neufeld, she explains how teens today are being emotionally pulled away from their parents and reattached to… other teens. The result? Disconnection, confusion, and a generation struggling to find real belonging.
This episode isn’t about blaming your kid. It’s about understanding what’s happening—and what you can do to restore the relationship.
Because your teen isn’t rebellious. They’re lost.
And yes—you can bring them back.
The Christy-Faith Show | Ep. 76
🛠️ LINKS & RESOURCES
Free Homeschooling Resources
Find everything you need to simplify and strengthen your homeschool journey:
👉 https://christy-faith.com/links
Thrive Homeschool Community
Join Christy-Faith’s online community for mentorship, encouragement, and real friendships that last:
👉 https://christy-faith.com/thrive
Christy-Faith’s List
A curated directory of homeschool-friendly service providers, businesses, and colleges:
👉 https://christy-faiths-list.com
Christy-Faith’s Book: Homeschool Rising
📖 Encouragement + strategy for starting strong or starting over:
👉 https://christy-faith.com/book-homeschool-rising
References Mentioned in Episode 🔗
- CDC Youth Risk Behavior Survey
- University of Virginia Study
- Hold Onto Your Kids Book
- Dealing with Family Criticism Episode
- Parenting Fails Episode
- The Relation of Attachment Security to Adolescents’ Paternal and Peer Relationships, Depression, and Externalizing Behavior
🎙️ SHOW SPONSORS
BJU Press Homeschool
✔ Flexible structure, biblical worldview
✔ Built-in critical thinking and hands-on learning
👉 https://www.bjupresshomeschool.com/christy
CTC Math
✔ Online, self-paced K–12 math curriculum
✔ 50% off + free trial for Christy-Faith listeners
👉 https://ctcmath.com/how-it-works/home-school?tr_id=CF
LearningRx
✔ Cognitive skills training for kids with ADHD, dyslexia & more
✔ $50 off assessment with code HOME50
👉 https://LearningRx.com or call 866-272-4601
🎧 SHOW RECAP
Teen disconnection isn’t just a phase. It’s a symptom.
Christy-Faith breaks down the concept of peer orientation and reveals how today’s school culture fosters disconnection—and how homeschooling creates space for healing and reconnection.
✅ What “peer orientation” is and why it’s so dangerous
✅ Why your teen isn’t defiant—they’re emotionally displaced
✅ How culture redefines detachment as “independence” (and why that’s a lie)
✅ How homeschooling reorders social attachment and strengthens the parent-child bond
✅ Why homeschooled teens often thrive emotionally and relationally
✅ Practical encouragement if you’re just starting to ask, Could homeschooling help us?
Whether you’re feeling disconnected from your teen or trying to prevent that heartbreak before it begins, this episode offers a lifeline—and a reminder: you are the anchor your child still needs.
📌 Like, subscribe, and share this with a parent who’s struggling to connect with their teen.
💬 Have you seen peer orientation in your own child’s life? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Christy-Faith (00:00):
Okay. Real talk. Teenagers have a reputation. Eye
(00:05):
rolls that could dislocate aneyeball. Grunts that somehow
mean yes and no.
Moody silences so intense,you're tempted to check for
signs of life. They'll ask youto be left alone and then get
mad that you left them alone.It's like parenting a walking
contradiction in a hoodie. Butwhat if your teen isn't actually
mean? What if they're not brokenor rebellious or trying to
(00:28):
emotionally ruin you one slammeddoor at a time?
What if they're just under theinfluence of something way more
powerful than hormones?Something called peer
orientation. Peer orientation isthis sneaky, destructive
cultural shift where kids startlooking to other kids for
guidance, approval, and identityinstead of to their parents or
(00:51):
another trusted adult, and it'snot serving our culture well at
all. In fact, peer orientationis one of the main reasons why I
homeschool. Today, we're divinginto one of my most all time
(01:15):
favorite parenting books, HoldOn To Your Kids by doctor Gabor
Mate and Gordon Neufeld.
It explains maybe why yourformerly sweet, chatty child has
transformed into a mysteriousmumbling roommate with Wi Fi
dependency issues. And stickaround because we're also
unpacking how homeschooling,yes, the thing that people think
(01:35):
is all denim jumpers andunsocialized weirdos, might
actually be one of the mostpowerful tools to re anchor your
teen and reclaim yourrelationship. Let's get into it.
I'm Kristi Faith, author ofhomeschool rising, speaker and
founder of thrive homeschoolcommunity. That's the place I
created where you can learn howto fail proof your homeschool by
(01:57):
following solid plans and findreal connection and mentorship
along the way.
If you've just stumbled acrossmy corner of the Internet, make
sure to hit my website. I haveamazing, fantastic, free ebooks
and resources for you regardlessof what stage of homeschooling
you are in. Maybe you're justhomeschool curious. I got tons
(02:18):
of resources for you. And ifyou're like me, you've been
homeschooling a while, feeling alittle burnt out, don't worry.
I got you too. Go to my websiteand on that homepage, I have
lots of free stuff. And also inmy store, I have an entire
section just labeled free. Iwill see you over there after
the show, and I'll put a link inthe show notes. Okay.
So what is peer orientation? Itsounds fancy. Right? Like a
(02:41):
seminar you attended beforejoining a high school clique.
But no, it's actually way moreconcerning than that.
Peer orientation is what happenswhen kids start turning to their
friends or frankly other equallyconfused children for their
values, identity, and sense ofright and wrong instead of you,
the parent, or another trustedadult. It's like emotional
(03:03):
outsourcing to a pack of 14 yearolds. It's become the norm in
our society, and it's not theirfault. And by the way, it's not
yours either. The culture we'reswimming in practically forces
this to happen.
We separate kids from theirfamilies for most of the day. We
keep them surrounded by peerstheir own age all the time, and
then we expect them to somehowstay deeply connected to us at
(03:25):
home while also navigatingschool drama, group chats, and
whatever moral lessons theypicked up from YouTube shorts
and class group text. So when ateen starts valuing what their
friends think more than what youthink, pushing you away like
you're the human equivalent of apop up ad, that's peer
orientation doing what it doesbest. It breaks the bond that
(03:47):
kids naturally need. Instead ofparents leading their kids, we
get kids who are led by otherkids while we trail behind
shouting, we had a nicerelationship once into the void.
Once I read hold on to your kidsand saw what was happening in
our culture, I couldn't unseeit. Suddenly, all those weird
(04:08):
teen behaviors that felt sopersonal, they made sense. It's
not rejection. It's actually aredirection, and it's really
unhealthy. Listen, Maybe you'renot homeschooling right now.
Maybe your kids are home for abreak, and you're just starting
to see some of these peerdynamics creep in, or maybe your
child's still young, and you'rejust starting to think about
(04:28):
what you want their future tolook like. If that's you and you
want more of this conversation,I invite you to look into
joining Thrive HomeschoolCommunity. It's not just for
current homeschoolers, it's forparents who are asking deeper
questions about connection,character, character, and how to
do family differently. InsideThrive, you'll find people like
our mentors who you may rememberfrom past episodes along with
(04:50):
other thoughtful parents andmentors who are happy to help
you think through your nextsteps, both in parenting and
homeschooling. The whole pointis that Thrive Homeschool
Community is here so you don'thave to figure everything out
alone.
Alright. Let's talk about whatthe experts and the statistics
are screaming from the rooftopsright now, right after a word
(05:12):
from our sponsors. As ahomeschool mom who values a
family together approach andleans towards the classical and
Charlotte Mason styles, I oftenstruggle to bring my educational
vision to life with my kids'diverse ages and learning needs.
With all our interests and superpacked schedule, bridging that
gap between the dreamyhomeschool I want and reality, I
gotta be honest. It's achallenge.
(05:33):
Now, yes, I know perfectionisn't the goal. But if you're
listening and you could use alittle easing of your mental
load in your day to day, I founda resource that has become the
quiet hero of our routine, andit could be a really great
option for you too. BJU Presshomeschool curriculum. Now many
think that BJU Press homeschoolis solely an all in one option,
and though it does excel in thatrole, did you know you can also
(05:55):
opt for specific courses andtailor them to fit your family's
needs just as I have? BJU PressHomeschool provides the perfect
balance of structure andflexibility and easily
complements my family's mixedage family together on the couch
learning style.
They are second to none inintegrating a biblical
worldview, stimulating criticalthinking, and offering tons of
(06:15):
hands on activities in thelessons. To find out how BJU
Presse Homeschool can comealongside you in your
homeschooling goals too, visitbjupresshomeschool.com or click
the link in the show notes. Isyour child struggling with
attention, memory, reading,writing, or math? If you're
experiencing this, you know howheart wrenching it is to watch
them face these hurdles. You'vepoured love, time, and attention
(06:37):
into their education, yet thestruggle persists, leaving you
feeling stuck and desperatelysearching for answers.
You guys, I want you to knowabout LearningRx, a proven
program designed to help yourchild's cognitive skills,
enabling them to think faster,learn more easily, and perform
at their best. I'm talkinggetting real long term help here
with things like ADHD anddyslexia. LearningRx is backed
(06:59):
by 35 of research, and theirresults are transformative. Use
code HOME 50 for $50 off yourcognitive skills assessment. Go
to learningrx.com or click thelink in the show notes.
Okay. Welcome back. So I need totell you right now that this
isn't just my opinion or thefever dream of a crunchy
homeschool mom deep in therabbit hole of parenting books.
(07:20):
One of my biggest takeaways fromthe book Hold On To Your Kids is
this, quote, children were nevermeant to be raised by peers.
They were meant to be raised bynurturing adults.
Translation, if your child'smoral compass is being co
written by Becky in seventhgrade and a kid named skater boy
four twenty eight on Discord,you might have a problem. Peer
(07:42):
orientation isn't just a theory.It actually rewires attachment.
You know that attachment thatpsychologists have been
screaming about for seventyyears, healthy attachment? That.
See, when children become moreattached to their peers than to
their parents, it becomesimpossible to effectively parent
them. Your words don't evenregister because you're no
(08:05):
longer their compass. Becky isand Becky thinks that boundaries
are toxic. Let's start with asobering statistic from the CDC
youth risk behavior survey from2021 because the numbers don't
lie. Nearly one in three teengirls in The US seriously
consider attempting suicide in2021.
That's up sixty percent fromjust a decade ago. I mean, this
(08:28):
is not a parenting failure. Thisis a cultural catastrophe, and
it aligns with exactly what Mateand Neufeld warn about. When
kids are no longer emotionallytethered to their parents, they
get tossed around by the socialchaos around them and that chaos
is not kind. And here's why.
When kids attachments shifttowards their peers, they become
(08:51):
vulnerable to the swirlingsocial chaos around them. And
trust me, that chaos isruthless. It's filled with
pressures, comparisons, clicks,and constant judgment. None of
which work towards buildingresilience or confidence.
Instead, it breeds confusion,loneliness, and despair.
So if your teenager seems lostor overwhelmed, it may not be
(09:12):
that they're mean or ungrateful.They could just be caught up in
a system that's pulling themaway from the stability that
they need most. Another sinisterthing about peer orientation is
that it creates the illusion ofbelonging, but it's not really
belonging at all. Any belongingthat kids experience is
conditional based onperformance, appearance, or a
(09:33):
shared rejection of authority.When you think about it, it's
kinda like friendships today orlike reality TV alliances.
Fun until someone gets voted offthe island because they wore the
wrong shoes. See peer orientedrelationships, they aren't built
on unconditional love or longterm trust. They're built on
survival, emotional currencytraded for acceptance,
(09:54):
popularity, or a seat at theright lunch table. And when
you're constantly walking thattightrope, it leaves little room
for the kind of deep secureconnection that really helps
teens develop confidence andself worth. This conditional
belonging actually pushes kidsaway from their parents, the one
stable relationship that shouldbe unconditional and traps them
(10:15):
in a cycle of proving themselvesto peers who honestly don't
really have their best interestat heart.
So when your teen suddenlyswitches friend groups, acts
secretive, or seems to measuretheir worth by how many likes a
selfie gets, it's not justteenage drama, it's a survival
strategy in a social systemdesigned to be fickle and
exclusive. So this research fromthe University of Virginia gave
(10:39):
me pause, and it might make youas well. Teens who are more peer
driven at age 13 are more likelyto be involved in drug use,
delinquency, and unstablefriendships by early adulthood.
Now look. This episode is notabout fear mongering.
But if we can prevent futureheartbreak by understanding that
your 13 year old's deep desireto be liked by a group of kids
(11:00):
who can't even do their ownlaundry is actually
developmentally backwards, then,yeah, let's talk about it. This
peer driven attachment basicallyrewires their brains to value
fitting in above anything else,even if that means making some
pretty questionable decisions.And the longer they're stuck in
that mindset, the higher therisk of risky behaviors are from
(11:21):
substance use to driftingthrough unstable friendships
that don't offer real support orgrowth. Understanding this isn't
about blaming your kid or thefriends they choose. It's about
seeing the bigger picture andrealizing how much more powerful
your role as a parent could beif you can gently pull them back
from that peer oriented vortex.
(11:42):
The book also unpacks how whenkids lose their attachment to
caring adults, it doesn't makethem stronger or more
independent. It actually leavesthem searching for security in
all the wrong places becausethey still need that attachment.
Here's a quote from the book. Achild no longer oriented towards
adults becomes rude, aggressive,defensive, or withdrawn, not
(12:02):
because they are bad, butbecause they are lost. Doesn't
that just punch you in theparenting gut?
They're not bad. They're lost.We're over here taking it
personally thinking we have thismean kid on our hands wondering
why we can't get them to open upover Taco Tuesday. And I'm about
to say something that may be alittle bit controversial. I'm
gonna lovingly push back onsomething our culture and even
(12:25):
some therapists get wrong.
We've been told that it'shealthy when teens pull away,
that this emotional detachmentis normal and even desirable. We
hear things like, oh, don'tworry. She's just finding
herself, or it's totallydevelopmentally appropriate for
him to stop talking to you aboutanything real. But let's pause
because research says otherwise.Studies show that teens actually
(12:48):
need secure attachment with acaring adult well into their
teen years and even into theirtwenties.
The problem is our culturedoesn't celebrate that. We
mistake detachment forindependence. But the reality is
the kids aren't becomingindependent. They're just
becoming dependent on somethingelse. And that something else is
usually a peer group that'sloud, impulsive, and doesn't
(13:11):
exactly have the emotional depthto help them navigate real life.
So what should we be lookingfor? Well, we all know the term
healthy attachment. And does itlook different for teenagers
than it does a five year oldwith a skinned knee who needs
hugs and kisses? Of course, itdoes. Secure attachment is a
maturing evolving form ofconnection.
Yes. Your teen will want morespace. They'll want more
(13:34):
privacy. But if they aren'tcoming to you when things are
hard, if their independencelooks more like secrecy,
sarcasm, or just shutting youout, then something's probably
off. That's not independence.
That's disconnection, and thatshould scare you. Real
independence is built on afoundation of trust and
attachment. And when kids havethat, they flourish. So now that
(13:58):
we've established that teensprobably aren't evil, they're
just peer attached, and thispeer attachment is basically a
soul sucking force fueled bygroup texts, snap streaks, and
cafeteria Darwinism, let's talkabout one of the few things that
actually helps right after this.Before we continue, I wanna
share with you a program that'sbeen a game changer for our
(14:19):
homeschool.
At our center, we instructed andhelp kids through pretty much
every math program on the marketand know firsthand just how
important a solid mathfoundation is for our kids'
futures. As a career educatorwith high standards, finding the
right program that checked allthe boxes felt like too tall of
an order until one day I triedCTC Math. CTC Math is an online
(14:40):
math curriculum for k to 12students with motivating
interactive lessons that allowkids to learn at their own pace.
It does all the teaching andgrading so you don't have to and
their adaptive lessons adjust soyour child is progressing
confidently. With CTC Math, yourchild is getting a top notch
education and you just made yourhomeschool life easier.
Visit ctcmath.com to start yourfree trial today or click the
(15:02):
link in the show notes. The showwill resume in just a minute,
but first, I wanna share withyou an incredible resource that
is totally free to homeschoolingfamilies everywhere. Have you
ever felt like you were on trialfor your homeschooling choice
when visiting a doctor oranother service provider? It's
unsettling, especially whensomeone misinformed has the
power to threaten your family.Unfortunately, we have heard
(15:24):
countless stories of parents whohave felt trapped in offices and
met with suspicion rather thansupport simply because they were
homeschoolers.
I've been profiled andinterrogated myself, and I'm
sure many of you have as well.Enough is enough. It's time we
proactively vet serviceproviders before giving them our
(15:44):
business and our money. EnterKristi Faith's list, a directory
100% free to homeschoolingfamilies connecting you with
homeschool friendly serviceproviders who promise to support
you in your homeschoolingchoice. We want every
homeschooler in America to knowabout and be using this list.
So here's how to make ChristyFaith's List a household name.
(16:07):
One, tell all your friends aboutit. Let's show the market just
how powerful the homeschoolmovement is. Number two, check
Christy Faith's List websitebefore stepping foot into any
service provider's office tomake sure they are on there. And
number three, if your favoriteservice provider isn't on the
list, make sure to refer them.
There's a button on the homepageof the website. It takes only
(16:29):
thirty seconds, and that way wecan send them a lovely invite.
If you're listening and you area homeschool friendly
professional, we want you on thelist. We're eager to connect
homeschooling families with you,shout your name from the
rooftops, and bring you tons andtons of business. We have plans
for every type of business, bothsmall, local, nationwide, and
(16:50):
worldwide.
Check outchristy-faiths-list.com today.
Alright. Welcome back. You'reprobably not gonna like what I'm
about to say, but you guessedit. The answer could be
homeschooling.
I'm talking about creating thekind of environment where your
kid stays connected to you longenough to grow a healthy brain,
a strong identity, and maybeeven a personality that doesn't
make you wanna scream into apillow. Because here's the
(17:12):
thing, homeschooling interruptsthe peer orientation cycle. It
slows it down. It reorders thesocial hierarchy back to how
it's supposed to be and whatthey need. Instead of kids
bonding exclusively with theirpeers eight hours a day in a
high stress image obsessedenvironment, they get time to
bond with you, the actual grownup who loves them
(17:33):
unconditionally and who probablyhas really good snacks.
So you're probably thinking, whydoes this matter, Christy? Not
everyone can homeschool, and Iagree with you. Not everyone can
homeschool. I would even add noteveryone should homeschool. But
this is what I can say.
When you saturate your child fortwelve years straight, eight
hours a day, five days a week ina peer oriented environment,
(17:54):
it's really hard not to end upwith a kid with peer
orientation. And it's so rampantthat that is considered normal
to the point where homeschooledkids are the ones that are
called awkward. When by the way,the studies show that
homeschooled kids are happiersocially, emotionally, and
psychologically. Okay. So whydoes this matter, Christy?
Here's the thing. Homeschoolingallows for multi age
(18:16):
socialization, not the weirdLord of the Flies style, only
hang out with kids exactly yourage or else type. You as the
parent, you have the margin toreinforce your family values
without needing to constantlydeprogram your kids every
evening over spaghetti. I'm notreally interested in only
parenting on nights and weekendsand having to undo all the stuff
that was done while they were inschool. You also become their
(18:39):
primary point of reference.
Not Becky, not TikTok, not thatone cool kid with the vape and
skateboard who somehow getsstraight a's. Although, I might
know how he's getting those a's.And watching out for peer
orientation doesn't mean thatyou have to parent perfectly. It
doesn't mean that you need tobecome a curriculum guru or
sacrifice your sanity on thealtar of Pinterest perfect
(19:00):
lesson plans. There's a reasonwhy I created Thrive Homeschool
Community, and this is it.
Because honestly, you needbackup, you need encouragement,
and you need a game plan. And ifyou're brand new to all this and
still thinking, okay, thissounds great, but how in the
world do I start? I've got you.There's a freebie in the show
notes to help you figure outyour first steps. And if you
want the bigger picture, my bookHomeschool Rising is basically a
(19:22):
rallying cry for exactly thiskind of parent powered
reattachment.
Because homeschooling isn't justabout academics or doing school
at home. It's about anchoringour kids to the people who
actually love them. The ones whostill show up even if they roll
their eyes at dinner again. Soyeah, if your teen has turned
into a moody, eye rolling,hoodie wearing enigma, take
(19:45):
heart. What you're dealing withmight not be rebellion and might
be peer orientation, and thereis something that you can do
about it.
You can reclaim your kids. Whatthe culture calls normal isn't
healthy, and you can say no.Once I understood what peer
orientation was and how ourcurrent school system often
feeds it, I realizedhomeschooling wasn't just an
(20:06):
educational choice. It was arelationship rescue plan. If
you're feeling the same tug,wondering if there's a better
way to keep your kids closewhile still preparing them for a
really amazing life, start withsome of the free resources that
I've linked in the show notes.
They're packed with clarity andencouragement for exactly where
you are. And if you're lookingfor the big picture myth busting
(20:28):
courage building truth, that'swhy I wrote homeschool rising.
It doesn't matter if you'rebrand new to this or just need a
reminder that you're not crazy.This book will be your nudge. It
will be your cheerleader or itwill be your toolkit.
And of course, don't forget tojoin us in Thrive Homeschool
Community. That's where we havereal conversations, the messy,
hopeful, sometimes hilariousones, and remind each other why
(20:51):
this is all worth it. You arethe answer your child needs, and
you've got what it takes tothrive. Until next time, friend.
Keep going.
You're not alone in this. I'llsee you next week.
Okay. Real talk. Teenagers have a reputation. Eye
(00:05):
rolls that could dislocate aneyeball. Grunts that somehow
mean yes and no.
Moody silences so intense,you're tempted to check for
signs of life. They'll ask youto be left alone and then get
mad that you left them alone.It's like parenting a walking
contradiction in a hoodie. Butwhat if your teen isn't actually
mean? What if they're not brokenor rebellious or trying to
(00:28):
emotionally ruin you one slammeddoor at a time?
What if they're just under theinfluence of something way more
powerful than hormones?Something called peer
orientation. Peer orientation isthis sneaky, destructive
cultural shift where kids startlooking to other kids for
guidance, approval, and identityinstead of to their parents or
(00:51):
another trusted adult, and it'snot serving our culture well at
all. In fact, peer orientationis one of the main reasons why I
homeschool. Today, we're divinginto one of my most all time
(01:15):
favorite parenting books, HoldOn To Your Kids by doctor Gabor
Mate and Gordon Neufeld.
It explains maybe why yourformerly sweet, chatty child has
transformed into a mysteriousmumbling roommate with Wi Fi
dependency issues. And stickaround because we're also
unpacking how homeschooling,yes, the thing that people think
(01:35):
is all denim jumpers andunsocialized weirdos, might
actually be one of the mostpowerful tools to re anchor your
teen and reclaim yourrelationship. Let's get into it.
I'm Kristi Faith, author ofhomeschool rising, speaker and
founder of thrive homeschoolcommunity. That's the place I
created where you can learn howto fail proof your homeschool by
(01:57):
following solid plans and findreal connection and mentorship
along the way.
If you've just stumbled acrossmy corner of the Internet, make
sure to hit my website. I haveamazing, fantastic, free ebooks
and resources for you regardlessof what stage of homeschooling
you are in. Maybe you're justhomeschool curious. I got tons
(02:18):
of resources for you. And ifyou're like me, you've been
homeschooling a while, feeling alittle burnt out, don't worry.
I got you too. Go to my websiteand on that homepage, I have
lots of free stuff. And also inmy store, I have an entire
section just labeled free. Iwill see you over there after
the show, and I'll put a link inthe show notes. Okay.
So what is peer orientation? Itsounds fancy. Right? Like a
(02:41):
seminar you attended beforejoining a high school clique.
But no, it's actually way moreconcerning than that.
Peer orientation is what happenswhen kids start turning to their
friends or frankly other equallyconfused children for their
values, identity, and sense ofright and wrong instead of you,
the parent, or another trustedadult. It's like emotional
(03:03):
outsourcing to a pack of 14 yearolds. It's become the norm in
our society, and it's not theirfault. And by the way, it's not
yours either. The culture we'reswimming in practically forces
this to happen.
We separate kids from theirfamilies for most of the day. We
keep them surrounded by peerstheir own age all the time, and
then we expect them to somehowstay deeply connected to us at
(03:25):
home while also navigatingschool drama, group chats, and
whatever moral lessons theypicked up from YouTube shorts
and class group text. So when ateen starts valuing what their
friends think more than what youthink, pushing you away like
you're the human equivalent of apop up ad, that's peer
orientation doing what it doesbest. It breaks the bond that
(03:47):
kids naturally need. Instead ofparents leading their kids, we
get kids who are led by otherkids while we trail behind
shouting, we had a nicerelationship once into the void.
Once I read hold on to your kidsand saw what was happening in
our culture, I couldn't unseeit. Suddenly, all those weird
(04:08):
teen behaviors that felt sopersonal, they made sense. It's
not rejection. It's actually aredirection, and it's really
unhealthy. Listen, Maybe you'renot homeschooling right now.
Maybe your kids are home for abreak, and you're just starting
to see some of these peerdynamics creep in, or maybe your
child's still young, and you'rejust starting to think about
(04:28):
what you want their future tolook like. If that's you and you
want more of this conversation,I invite you to look into
joining Thrive HomeschoolCommunity. It's not just for
current homeschoolers, it's forparents who are asking deeper
questions about connection,character, character, and how to
do family differently. InsideThrive, you'll find people like
our mentors who you may rememberfrom past episodes along with
(04:50):
other thoughtful parents andmentors who are happy to help
you think through your nextsteps, both in parenting and
homeschooling. The whole pointis that Thrive Homeschool
Community is here so you don'thave to figure everything out
alone.
Alright. Let's talk about whatthe experts and the statistics
are screaming from the rooftopsright now, right after a word
(05:12):
from our sponsors. As ahomeschool mom who values a
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gotta be honest. It's achallenge.
(05:33):
Now, yes, I know perfectionisn't the goal. But if you're
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opt for specific courses andtailor them to fit your family's
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hands on activities in thelessons. To find out how BJU
Presse Homeschool can comealongside you in your
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the link in the show notes. Isyour child struggling with
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Okay. Welcome back. So I need totell you right now that this
isn't just my opinion or thefever dream of a crunchy
homeschool mom deep in therabbit hole of parenting books.
(07:20):
One of my biggest takeaways fromthe book Hold On To Your Kids is
this, quote, children were nevermeant to be raised by peers.
They were meant to be raised bynurturing adults.
Translation, if your child'smoral compass is being co
written by Becky in seventhgrade and a kid named skater boy
four twenty eight on Discord,you might have a problem. Peer
(07:42):
orientation isn't just a theory.It actually rewires attachment.
You know that attachment thatpsychologists have been
screaming about for seventyyears, healthy attachment? That.
See, when children become moreattached to their peers than to
their parents, it becomesimpossible to effectively parent
them. Your words don't evenregister because you're no
(08:05):
longer their compass. Becky isand Becky thinks that boundaries
are toxic. Let's start with asobering statistic from the CDC
youth risk behavior survey from2021 because the numbers don't
lie. Nearly one in three teengirls in The US seriously
consider attempting suicide in2021.
That's up sixty percent fromjust a decade ago. I mean, this
(08:28):
is not a parenting failure. Thisis a cultural catastrophe, and
it aligns with exactly what Mateand Neufeld warn about. When
kids are no longer emotionallytethered to their parents, they
get tossed around by the socialchaos around them and that chaos
is not kind. And here's why.
When kids attachments shifttowards their peers, they become
(08:51):
vulnerable to the swirlingsocial chaos around them. And
trust me, that chaos isruthless. It's filled with
pressures, comparisons, clicks,and constant judgment. None of
which work towards buildingresilience or confidence.
Instead, it breeds confusion,loneliness, and despair.
So if your teenager seems lostor overwhelmed, it may not be
(09:12):
that they're mean or ungrateful.They could just be caught up in
a system that's pulling themaway from the stability that
they need most. Another sinisterthing about peer orientation is
that it creates the illusion ofbelonging, but it's not really
belonging at all. Any belongingthat kids experience is
conditional based onperformance, appearance, or a
(09:33):
shared rejection of authority.When you think about it, it's
kinda like friendships today orlike reality TV alliances.
Fun until someone gets voted offthe island because they wore the
wrong shoes. See peer orientedrelationships, they aren't built
on unconditional love or longterm trust. They're built on
survival, emotional currencytraded for acceptance,
(09:54):
popularity, or a seat at theright lunch table. And when
you're constantly walking thattightrope, it leaves little room
for the kind of deep secureconnection that really helps
teens develop confidence andself worth. This conditional
belonging actually pushes kidsaway from their parents, the one
stable relationship that shouldbe unconditional and traps them
(10:15):
in a cycle of proving themselvesto peers who honestly don't
really have their best interestat heart.
So when your teen suddenlyswitches friend groups, acts
secretive, or seems to measuretheir worth by how many likes a
selfie gets, it's not justteenage drama, it's a survival
strategy in a social systemdesigned to be fickle and
exclusive. So this research fromthe University of Virginia gave
(10:39):
me pause, and it might make youas well. Teens who are more peer
driven at age 13 are more likelyto be involved in drug use,
delinquency, and unstablefriendships by early adulthood.
Now look. This episode is notabout fear mongering.
But if we can prevent futureheartbreak by understanding that
your 13 year old's deep desireto be liked by a group of kids
(11:00):
who can't even do their ownlaundry is actually
developmentally backwards, then,yeah, let's talk about it. This
peer driven attachment basicallyrewires their brains to value
fitting in above anything else,even if that means making some
pretty questionable decisions.And the longer they're stuck in
that mindset, the higher therisk of risky behaviors are from
(11:21):
substance use to driftingthrough unstable friendships
that don't offer real support orgrowth. Understanding this isn't
about blaming your kid or thefriends they choose. It's about
seeing the bigger picture andrealizing how much more powerful
your role as a parent could beif you can gently pull them back
from that peer oriented vortex.
(11:42):
The book also unpacks how whenkids lose their attachment to
caring adults, it doesn't makethem stronger or more
independent. It actually leavesthem searching for security in
all the wrong places becausethey still need that attachment.
Here's a quote from the book. Achild no longer oriented towards
adults becomes rude, aggressive,defensive, or withdrawn, not
(12:02):
because they are bad, butbecause they are lost. Doesn't
that just punch you in theparenting gut?
They're not bad. They're lost.We're over here taking it
personally thinking we have thismean kid on our hands wondering
why we can't get them to open upover Taco Tuesday. And I'm about
to say something that may be alittle bit controversial. I'm
gonna lovingly push back onsomething our culture and even
(12:25):
some therapists get wrong.
We've been told that it'shealthy when teens pull away,
that this emotional detachmentis normal and even desirable. We
hear things like, oh, don'tworry. She's just finding
herself, or it's totallydevelopmentally appropriate for
him to stop talking to you aboutanything real. But let's pause
because research says otherwise.Studies show that teens actually
(12:48):
need secure attachment with acaring adult well into their
teen years and even into theirtwenties.
The problem is our culturedoesn't celebrate that. We
mistake detachment forindependence. But the reality is
the kids aren't becomingindependent. They're just
becoming dependent on somethingelse. And that something else is
usually a peer group that'sloud, impulsive, and doesn't
(13:11):
exactly have the emotional depthto help them navigate real life.
So what should we be lookingfor? Well, we all know the term
healthy attachment. And does itlook different for teenagers
than it does a five year oldwith a skinned knee who needs
hugs and kisses? Of course, itdoes. Secure attachment is a
maturing evolving form ofconnection.
Yes. Your teen will want morespace. They'll want more
(13:34):
privacy. But if they aren'tcoming to you when things are
hard, if their independencelooks more like secrecy,
sarcasm, or just shutting youout, then something's probably
off. That's not independence.
That's disconnection, and thatshould scare you. Real
independence is built on afoundation of trust and
attachment. And when kids havethat, they flourish. So now that
(13:58):
we've established that teensprobably aren't evil, they're
just peer attached, and thispeer attachment is basically a
soul sucking force fueled bygroup texts, snap streaks, and
cafeteria Darwinism, let's talkabout one of the few things that
actually helps right after this.Before we continue, I wanna
share with you a program that'sbeen a game changer for our
(14:19):
homeschool.
At our center, we instructed andhelp kids through pretty much
every math program on the marketand know firsthand just how
important a solid mathfoundation is for our kids'
futures. As a career educatorwith high standards, finding the
right program that checked allthe boxes felt like too tall of
an order until one day I triedCTC Math. CTC Math is an online
(14:40):
math curriculum for k to 12students with motivating
interactive lessons that allowkids to learn at their own pace.
It does all the teaching andgrading so you don't have to and
their adaptive lessons adjust soyour child is progressing
confidently. With CTC Math, yourchild is getting a top notch
education and you just made yourhomeschool life easier.
Visit ctcmath.com to start yourfree trial today or click the
(15:02):
link in the show notes. The showwill resume in just a minute,
but first, I wanna share withyou an incredible resource that
is totally free to homeschoolingfamilies everywhere. Have you
ever felt like you were on trialfor your homeschooling choice
when visiting a doctor oranother service provider? It's
unsettling, especially whensomeone misinformed has the
power to threaten your family.Unfortunately, we have heard
(15:24):
countless stories of parents whohave felt trapped in offices and
met with suspicion rather thansupport simply because they were
homeschoolers.
I've been profiled andinterrogated myself, and I'm
sure many of you have as well.Enough is enough. It's time we
proactively vet serviceproviders before giving them our
(15:44):
business and our money. EnterKristi Faith's list, a directory
100% free to homeschoolingfamilies connecting you with
homeschool friendly serviceproviders who promise to support
you in your homeschoolingchoice. We want every
homeschooler in America to knowabout and be using this list.
So here's how to make ChristyFaith's List a household name.
(16:07):
One, tell all your friends aboutit. Let's show the market just
how powerful the homeschoolmovement is. Number two, check
Christy Faith's List websitebefore stepping foot into any
service provider's office tomake sure they are on there. And
number three, if your favoriteservice provider isn't on the
list, make sure to refer them.
There's a button on the homepageof the website. It takes only
(16:29):
thirty seconds, and that way wecan send them a lovely invite.
If you're listening and you area homeschool friendly
professional, we want you on thelist. We're eager to connect
homeschooling families with you,shout your name from the
rooftops, and bring you tons andtons of business. We have plans
for every type of business, bothsmall, local, nationwide, and
(16:50):
worldwide.
Check outchristy-faiths-list.com today.
Alright. Welcome back. You'reprobably not gonna like what I'm
about to say, but you guessedit. The answer could be
homeschooling.
I'm talking about creating thekind of environment where your
kid stays connected to you longenough to grow a healthy brain,
a strong identity, and maybeeven a personality that doesn't
make you wanna scream into apillow. Because here's the
(17:12):
thing, homeschooling interruptsthe peer orientation cycle. It
slows it down. It reorders thesocial hierarchy back to how
it's supposed to be and whatthey need. Instead of kids
bonding exclusively with theirpeers eight hours a day in a
high stress image obsessedenvironment, they get time to
bond with you, the actual grownup who loves them
(17:33):
unconditionally and who probablyhas really good snacks.
So you're probably thinking, whydoes this matter, Christy? Not
everyone can homeschool, and Iagree with you. Not everyone can
homeschool. I would even add noteveryone should homeschool. But
this is what I can say.
When you saturate your child fortwelve years straight, eight
hours a day, five days a week ina peer oriented environment,
(17:54):
it's really hard not to end upwith a kid with peer
orientation. And it's so rampantthat that is considered normal
to the point where homeschooledkids are the ones that are
called awkward. When by the way,the studies show that
homeschooled kids are happiersocially, emotionally, and
psychologically. Okay. So whydoes this matter, Christy?
Here's the thing. Homeschoolingallows for multi age
(18:16):
socialization, not the weirdLord of the Flies style, only
hang out with kids exactly yourage or else type. You as the
parent, you have the margin toreinforce your family values
without needing to constantlydeprogram your kids every
evening over spaghetti. I'm notreally interested in only
parenting on nights and weekendsand having to undo all the stuff
that was done while they were inschool. You also become their
(18:39):
primary point of reference.
Not Becky, not TikTok, not thatone cool kid with the vape and
skateboard who somehow getsstraight a's. Although, I might
know how he's getting those a's.And watching out for peer
orientation doesn't mean thatyou have to parent perfectly. It
doesn't mean that you need tobecome a curriculum guru or
sacrifice your sanity on thealtar of Pinterest perfect
(19:00):
lesson plans. There's a reasonwhy I created Thrive Homeschool
Community, and this is it.
Because honestly, you needbackup, you need encouragement,
and you need a game plan. And ifyou're brand new to all this and
still thinking, okay, thissounds great, but how in the
world do I start? I've got you.There's a freebie in the show
notes to help you figure outyour first steps. And if you
want the bigger picture, my bookHomeschool Rising is basically a
(19:22):
rallying cry for exactly thiskind of parent powered
reattachment.
Because homeschooling isn't justabout academics or doing school
at home. It's about anchoringour kids to the people who
actually love them. The ones whostill show up even if they roll
their eyes at dinner again. Soyeah, if your teen has turned
into a moody, eye rolling,hoodie wearing enigma, take
(19:45):
heart. What you're dealing withmight not be rebellion and might
be peer orientation, and thereis something that you can do
about it.
You can reclaim your kids. Whatthe culture calls normal isn't
healthy, and you can say no.Once I understood what peer
orientation was and how ourcurrent school system often
feeds it, I realizedhomeschooling wasn't just an
(20:06):
educational choice. It was arelationship rescue plan. If
you're feeling the same tug,wondering if there's a better
way to keep your kids closewhile still preparing them for a
really amazing life, start withsome of the free resources that
I've linked in the show notes.
They're packed with clarity andencouragement for exactly where
you are. And if you're lookingfor the big picture myth busting
(20:28):
courage building truth, that'swhy I wrote homeschool rising.
It doesn't matter if you'rebrand new to this or just need a
reminder that you're not crazy.This book will be your nudge. It
will be your cheerleader or itwill be your toolkit.
And of course, don't forget tojoin us in Thrive Homeschool
Community. That's where we havereal conversations, the messy,
hopeful, sometimes hilariousones, and remind each other why
(20:51):
this is all worth it. You arethe answer your child needs, and
you've got what it takes tothrive. Until next time, friend.
Keep going.
You're not alone in this. I'llsee you next week.
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