May 28, 2024 • 40 mins
Ready to prepare your teens for college? Tune in to our latest episode with licensed professional counselor Lauren Wolfe as she shares invaluable tips for helping your adolescents transition smoothly to college life.
In this episode of the College and Career Ready podcast, we have as a guest a licensed professional counselor Lauren Wolfe. Lauren, who has over 20 years of experience supporting children, teens, and families, discusses key strategies for preparing adolescents for the transition from high school to college. She also shares her personal experience of preparing her own son for college. We cover topics such as the importance of fostering independence, executive functioning skills, managing responsibilities, and effective communication. Throughout the conversation, Lauren provides actionable advice for parents, including the benefits of part-time jobs, practical tips for building independence, and recognizing the need for supportive interventions.
Episode mentioned on the podcast:
62. Is it Stress or Anxiety? Strategies in Managing Mental Health for Kids, High-Achieving Teens and Adults with Lauren Wolfe
DiscoverU Career and Leadership Empowerment is designed for women and moms just like you—navigating the challenges of career, family, and personal growth. Whether you’re re-entering the workforce, craving more purpose in your career, stepping into leadership, or simply ready to reclaim your time and energy, DiscoverU provides the tools, coaching, and support to help you rise with confidence. Visit www.CollegeCareerReady.org
Connect with Sonia Cacique
LinkedIn
Instagram
Join our College and Career Connections Club for free at www.CollegeCareerReady.org/join
Learn about our Career Connections Course: www.CollegeCareerReady.org/COURSE
"Stay well, be present, and enjoy the journey"
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Sonia (00:00):
Hi, I'm Sonia Cacique.
Lauren (00:02):
And I'm Lauren Wolf, and you're listening to the College
and Career Ready podcast.
Sonia (00:48):
college and career ready podcast.
Today on our podcast, we have aphenomenal guest.
Um, she is also a dear friend ofmine, and I'm excited to have
her here.
Lauren Wolf, is a licensedprofessional counselor who
supports children, teens, andfamily, and who has done so for
(01:11):
more than 20 years.
She also specializes in anxietyand children, both big and
small.
And she's a mom of two beautifuland wonderful children who are
now going to college And so shenot only brings her experience
as a therapist, but also as amom who is in the midst Of
preparing her own son to go tocollege.
(01:34):
So in today's conversation, wewill be exploring how to better
prepare our growing adolescentsto transition from high school
to college.
And what as parents, what we cando today to better prepare them.
So be ready to take notes forsome actionable items that she
will share with us today.
(01:54):
And let me introduce and welcomeLauren Wolf.
Lauren (01:58):
Thank you, Sonia.
Such a lovely introduction.
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you.
Sonia (02:03):
Thank you so much for spending time with us because I
know you're going to beproviding our guests, um, our
audience, some valuableinformation, Lauren.
And, and let me ask you this,how is it going?
Preparing your son right now togo to college.
Your last one,
Lauren (02:20):
gosh, I think I'm.
He's still very much right nowin the weeds of like all the end
of the year stuff for him withthe high school and like I just
on my break was uploading photosof him for his banquet dinner
for baseball and he's got adance.
Oh my gosh, tonight.
(02:41):
My husband will oversee thatwhile I'm working, but there's
so much stuff.
So I haven't started wrapping myhead around college yet.
He has his orientation nextweek, so it, it will start soon,
I think, but I'm, I feel likeI've only got like one big toe
in college land with him and therest of me is still like in high
school.
(03:02):
Like, is this real?
Is this true?
Am I going to be in a
Sonia (03:05):
minester?
Lauren (03:06):
Exactly.
And I will say this because Ialways really dreaded this time
of my life.
If there's anyone out therelistening, thinking, Oh no, I
feel so sad.
Just imagining my last childgoing to college.
I am ready.
I am excited.
I adore him.
So it's not like I'm trying toget rid of him, but I also am
(03:28):
just kind of done with some ofthe stuff that, you know, just
being a parent of a kid in theschool system.
I'm just, I am ready.
Sonia, bring it on girl.
Sonia (03:39):
I love it.
I love it.
And this is what I like aboutyou.
Um, Lauren is that you're justtrue and authentic.
And I think, I think ouraudience will feel this.
And this is why I'm so excitedto have you here because we want
to talk about your experience asa therapist, because you have
heard it all since you deal withadolescents specifically.
(04:00):
What is going on?
What are we doing as parents?
What are we doing wrong?
And what can we do to betterprepare our children for
college?
Such
Lauren (04:10):
a great question.
I think that what often happensis that we really do a great job
caring for our children andmeeting their needs.
But then Um, their needs changeand then where they are
developmentally changes.
And it's hard to see because weare just kind of so enmeshed in
(04:31):
the daily life as parents caringfor our children.
And I think at times as parents,we lose sight of the gift it is
to our kids to start giving themindependence and ownership.
And I know we're going to talkabout this over things such as
homework.
and projects and classwork andgetting themselves up and out in
(04:52):
the morning and managing theirown schedules.
And I think that one of the bestthings we can do for our kids to
be successful in college to getthat degree that they're going
there for is to really startgiving them independence at the
very least in high school.
Some of this can start evenearlier so that when they leave
(05:13):
you and they get to decide whenthey wake up, when they go to
sleep and all the stuff inbetween, they can be successful
in doing all that is being askedof them.
Sonia (05:26):
Understandable.
And you know, the, thestatistics actually say that 30,
about 30, 32% Of undergraduatestudents will not complete their
degree.
Wow.
30%.
Now, can you imagine the amountof money that would have been
invested in a child's educationfor them not to complete?
(05:49):
So let's, let's go a little bit,um, into your experience.
What are students strugglingwith in college?
So let's start with the strugglefirst, right.
To get to the bottom of it.
And then we'll backtrack to whatparents can do.
Lauren (06:02):
Yeah, sure.
So I see a lot of kidsstruggling with executive
functioning, which of coursemeans them moving through space
and time.
Them getting, you know, gettingup in time to get to class
that's a certain distance fromtheir building and do
everything, you know, from theirdorm building and do everything
that they need to do before theyget there.
(06:24):
Them struggling with beingorganized With knowing where
things are, with knowing what'sdue when for what class, with
being able to really just dosome of the daily tasks that
they need to do to get work inon time, to be really learning
(06:44):
at a deep level and not justshowing up at class.
And some of my kids reallystruggle with going to classes
because they have thisindependence and it's like, Oh,
my dad's not on me.
My mom's not on me.
My guidance counselor's not onme.
For some kids, Sonia, theyreally have adults in their life
(07:04):
that are making sure they'redoing what they need to do.
And then when no one's reallymaking sure they need to do what
they need to do, they're like.
Whatever.
I'll sleep in.
I was out late last night.
And here's what happened withone of my students this year,
which was just so hard towitness.
She was a freshman in collegeand she was skipping a lot of
(07:26):
classes in the beginning andthen really started getting
herself To class on a regularbasis, but then got sick, not
once, but twice, got COVID andthen poor thing got food
poisoning from the schoolcafeteria.
So because she then had alreadymissed so many classes, some of
(07:46):
her, her teachers had policieswhere she automatically.
failed the classes and couldn'tcontinue.
And because she didn't getdoctor's notes as needed, there
was no way to prove that she hadbeen sick.
And so it's really easy to kindof have that snowball effect and
not realize like, no, youactually need to go to class
(08:08):
because if something happens,then you will be missing class
for a legitimate reason.
And also parents who arelistening, tell your kids, get a
doctor's note.
I don't care if it's like viraland there's nothing a doctor can
do, have them see either healthservices or a Teladoc or someone
that can give them that note andget an excused absence.
(08:31):
I
Sonia (08:32):
love that.
And actually you're alreadygiving me an idea here with my
own children.
When they are absent, walk themthrough that process of I need
to make sure I need to get anote because and explained
because as parents, I mean,we're so loving, we just do it,
we don't really explain and say,you know what, I'm going to get
(08:53):
a letter, because this willremove that absence absences
count, you know, make that makethat more full circle for them.
Right.
Lauren (09:02):
And so I think students, you know, might think they're
being on top of things bysaying, Oh, look, I can miss
class three times.
So I'm going to miss it once.
And I don't really feel likegoing, I'll miss it a second
time.
You know, not realize, well,what's going to happen if you
get really sick and now it's athing.
Now you need notes.
Now you need to talk to theteacher.
You might have to go to the Deanof students.
(09:24):
Why set yourself up for thatstress?
Sonia (09:27):
Absolutely.
And if they don't even know toread their syllabus, where it
clearly states where it clearlystates what each individual
class will have differentrequirements.
Yes.
Lauren (09:41):
Absolutely.
So well said.
And again, back to that studentthat struggles with executive
functioning, they are going tohave a hard time looking at the
different syllabuses, keepingtrack of the different classroom
policies for absences orwhatever that might be.
And for many kids too, like kidswho have ADHD or kids who are
(10:03):
neuro, neuro, Divergent can'ttalk neurodivergent, they often
will have a hard time withself-motivation.
Again, nobody's making them dowhat they need to do so they can
struggle with that, and that canbe difficult to make themselves
do what they need to do.
Sonia (10:20):
Ooh, thank you for bringing that to the forefront
about, you know, the known factthat there are certain students
that will struggle more withexecutive function skills.
Mm-Hmm.
amongst all the other studentsas well.
Totally.
Of course.
But there are certain studentsthat will struggle a little
more.
So you said ADHD and, and whatother
Lauren (10:39):
kids with autism, um, kids, this is a diagnosis that
used to be recognized, isn'trecognized now, but I'm hearing
might be recognized again, whichis nonverbal learning
disability, um, kids withlearning disabilities like
dyslexia will often strugglewith.
You know, kind of getting frompoint A to point B and can get
(11:02):
overwhelmed at times with a lotof responsibility depending on
the kid.
Sonia (11:07):
Thank you for noting that.
And for our parent listeners,there are special services in
the college setting that willhelp support your child.
So let me ask you, let me askyou this, uh, Lauren, how do you
think a child could benefit anadolescent if they actually had
a child?
For example, just throwing itout there.
Not because, um, it's somethingthat I might have under my
(11:29):
sleeve, but what if they had acourse or a community where we,
on the first session, we talkabout reading the syllabus
Lauren (11:40):
and going over the syllabus and maybe even.
I don't know, Sonia, but I'mthinking maybe even like
printing out every syllabusbecause I know everything's
online and having them alltogether in a folder where you
can access or maybe justelectronically putting them in a
Google drive where you caneasily boom, boom, boom, look at
each of them.
(12:01):
100%.
I think that would be helpful.
And I will say this too, Sonia,that some kids have an executive
functioning delay so that whenI, I.
don't remember exactly what itis, but at different ages, there
is like an amount of time we canplan ahead for.
So for some children, eventhough.
(12:24):
And I apologize, I should havelooked this up ahead of time.
I didn't think of it.
But even though in college,there's a certain amount of time
that kids really can developmentally, see ahead, plan ahead,
navigate ahead to like bestudying for upcoming tests and
beginning upcoming projects.
Some kids are just behind wheretheir peers are.
(12:45):
So for them, it's just even moredifficult.
So it's not like they're justbeing slackers.
They, their brain, it's justlike some kids walk earlier than
other kids walk, right?
We don't say, Hey, why aren'tyou walking?
You're in that window.
As long as you're in thatdevelopmental window, we trust
kids are going to walk at somepoint.
(13:05):
They, you know, in many cases dofor some kids.
Um, they are just having aharder time with all of those
executive functioning skills andthey do eventually kind of catch
up to everyone else, but needsome support in the meantime.
So what you're talking about, Ithink would be phenomenal
(13:25):
because there's no one that doesthat.
And also for kids that havelike, they've been part of
special education in gradeschool or they have some sort of
accommodation for, you know, Anyparticular type of reason, like
they are able to accessservices.
So maybe they have autism orADHD or very high anxiety around
(13:47):
perfectionism.
Very often what I find isthere's some level of support
for them at school, but toaccess an additional level of
support, you have to pay forthat as parents.
And so that's, that's, that's,that's, that's, that's, that's,
that's, that's I had a kidrecently and it was really
expensive and not something theparents could pay for.
(14:07):
So something that's accessiblefor kids to get some support, I
think is phenomenal.
Very helpful.
Sonia (14:15):
Yeah.
Well, and especially, you know,I have a student that I was
coaching it's something assimple as, you know, I asked, I
asked him where he put Ourmeeting.
So he's an entering collegestudent, right?
So mom's letting him be a littlebit more independent.
And I said, where did you putour meeting?
He's like, actually didn't putanywhere.
I just remember.
I was like, okay, how about, howabout we download a Google
(14:39):
calendar?
And sweet boy, I love it.
It's actually one of my favoritestudents.
And he said, I'm going to do itright now.
I said, okay, you do that.
And you know, he, he downloadedthe Google calendar and said,
all right.
Now I'm going to send you theinvitation and you're going to
receive it.
And, and it was funny because hedownloaded it.
So this is really cool.
He downloaded the Googlecalendar.
(15:00):
And I think because itautomatically attached to his
Gmail, it automaticallypopulated our, our, um, meeting
to his calendar.
So when I pulled up hiscalendar, it was already there.
He's like, Oh wait, themeeting's already there.
I was like, I know, cause yourphone is smart.
That is awesome.
It's things like those that wejust need to put it in the
forefront.
And I actually told him, um, thehardest thing, and I, I wants to
(15:24):
validate this because I don'twant students to feel like this
only happens to them.
This happens to us adults too.
Yeah, I said the hardest part ofmy calendar is actually opening
it in the morning and seeing it.
That's the hardest part.
Is that just opening it andseeing what my schedule is for
the day.
And so anyways, we talked aboutstrategies on how to include
that into their daily habit.
(15:45):
Um, so thank you for sharingthat.
Okay.
So let's hop into tacticalitems, things that parents can
do today to help studentsprepare for that transition.
Yeah.
I would say
Lauren (16:00):
if you have a kid who is in high school and you are still
looking at a transition.
Like, for us, we have GoogleClassroom.
And if the parent is stilllooking at Google Classroom to
access assignments, and if theparent is still asking the kid,
did you do this?
Did you do that?
Are you studying?
I think it would be reallybeneficial to give ownership to
(16:22):
your child.
Now, I know, easier said thandone.
And you're probably doing itbecause.
Your kid maybe has a learningdisability or ADHD or is
struggling in some way.
So to do that gradually for themto come up with a plan with
them, you know, sit down andtalk to them.
I want you to be able to beindependent.
I know you're talking aboutwanting to go to college, so I
(16:45):
want you to start owning this.
Where can we start and reallyhaving them on board and
understanding, like if you pick,okay.
I'm not going to check yourhomework anymore.
You're in charge of homeworkassignments and getting them in.
And then really, and this is thehard part, allowing natural
consequences where your childgoes into school without
homework completed and, youknow, has to talk to the teacher
(17:09):
about it.
Ideally, Sonia, I think thiswould happen.
in grade school and at the veryleast middle school where stakes
are low.
I get a lot of perfectioniststhat stress out about their
middle school grades and I say,no one is ever going to ask you
for your middle schooltranscript.
This is time to practice being agood learner, but you don't have
(17:31):
to do it perfectly.
So that's a great time forparents to really let go in
middle school and for kids toget that autonomy to be able to
do it themselves later on.
Sonia (17:43):
Ooh, great, great point.
And you're making me feel muchbetter because, um, with my own
fifth graders, I have to havetwins.
And so with my own fifthgraders, I did that a lot of
staying back.
This one's gonna hurt andparents, you're gonna feel the
pain right now in just a minute.
Yep.
We did the, the award ceremonyand one of my child, one of my
(18:06):
children, um, got a B honorroll.
Beautiful.
I, I will always, whatever theyget, they have earned and I am
proud of them.
We always, we always look afterthe fact as far as progress,
right?
If there's progress, great.
But it wasn't until after thefact that my daughter.
I didn't want to say who it was.
(18:26):
It's okay.
That my daughter said, mom,guess what?
I said, what?
I'll had one 89.
And because of that 89, I didn'tget the Ollie on a roll.
And I was like, It's okay.
You did great.
(18:46):
You got A's and B's.
I'm excited.
But in my heart, in my mind, Iwas like, But I did say that.
And I wanted, I wanted her tonotice it.
So now she has, has sufferedthat little icky feeling of
like, Ah, if it would have justbeen one point, I would have
gotten all these.
So guess what?
(19:06):
I'm sure next year she's goingto keep up with her grades and
know that that one point makes abig difference.
And
Lauren (19:13):
even more or importantly, or at least as
importantly, Sonia, she sat withthat uncomfortable feeling and
she was okay, right?
She was able to say, Oh, I wasone point away and, and she was
able to deal with it, which Ithink is huge, huge.
Because I know that we know asadults, like, you know, I'm 51,
(19:36):
I know you're a bit younger, butstill old enough that we have
experience to say, I've learnedso much from my mistakes from my
failure.
We all make mistakes.
We all fail at things.
And often that puts us in thedirection that later is really.
Rewarding.
Sonia (19:55):
Yes.
No, I agree.
And, and as a parent, I had thatsecond thought afterwards, like
I should have checked yourgrades so much more closely, but
no, I'm
Lauren (20:05):
doing what I'm supposed to.
You know, my daughter and see,this is where I'm like, some
people are going to think I'm aterrible parent Sonia, but when
my daughter was just in secondgrade and she's my oldest, she
had an assignment where theymade.
I guess it's called a diorama.
They make like a, um, a scene ina shoe box and it was something
(20:25):
to do with like the ocean and Ilet her do it on her own because
it was her project.
And I said, Hey, if you needhelp, I'll help you.
I helped her like get the, the,um, supplies and what she was
using.
She did it on her own.
It took her about five minutes.
It did not look amazing.
And so I said, Hey, you, youknow, you did that really
(20:46):
quickly.
And I need you to know that whenyou see the other kids
assignments, a lot of them aregoing to be created by people's
parents and they're going to beamazing.
And I need you to be okay withwhat you've created.
And she said, yeah, I'm fine.
I said, okay, great.
So she went to school.
She came home the next day intears telling me how amazing all
(21:08):
of the others were.
And so I said, okay, welleither, you know, for next time
or if you want and see, this iswhere as an older kid, I would
have said you can talk to yourteacher, but she was seven.
So I said, yeah.
I can email your teacher and seeif it's okay for you to bring it
home and work on it some more.
Of course, her teacher said,fine, Lena brought it home.
(21:31):
She herself worked on it more,brought it back and felt better
about it.
But, you know, I think that goesfor, if that's a high school
student, do that.
They can email the teacher.
I always love for at least thefirst few times your kids are
emailing a teacher, look at itwith them.
Because I know from when Icommunicate with, with some of
(21:53):
my kids who are clients, they'renot always good with the
formality of formalities of dearso and so or hi, so and so.
And then, you know, a littlenicety, like I hope you're
having a nice day.
I wanted to reach out and askyou X, Y, Z, and then a thank
you, you know, signing the namelike they don't know how to do
that.
Or they often don't reply,right?
(22:15):
I'll have a kid reach out andtext me with a question and then
I'll, Um, respond back and Idon't get a thank you or a got
it or a like.
So they need to learn thoseskills because we know as adults
that helps you to make and keepconnections.
And it's often not what youknow, but who you know, you want
them to form those good positiveconnections with professors and
(22:38):
the other adults in their lives.
Sonia (22:41):
Absolutely.
All right.
So that, those are great tips,especially for, um, parents who
still have high school students,right?
Who are still going into highschool, but some of the tips
that I know you're going toshare with us, they can actually
do today if they're actuallyalready going to college and for
those who are still in, in gradeschool.
(23:02):
So tell us some of those tips.
Cause I know one of them wasabout setting an alarm.
Absolutely.
Lauren (23:07):
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
A hundred percent.
And this, you can do this withyour college kid.
You can do this with your thirdgrader.
Let your kids be responsible forgetting themselves up in the
morning.
They can set an alarm.
They will tell you, Oh, I won'thear it.
Well, they can put their phoneacross the room.
They can have an old schoolalarm clock as a backup if they
(23:30):
really need it.
I actually had one kid, Sonia,that had this.
thing that it was an alarmclock, but it somehow attached
underneath her mattress and itwould vibrate the mattress
because she would sleep throughalarms.
So there are so many devices outthere nowadays to make sure that
they get up and let them beresponsible for getting up and
(23:51):
out of the house on time.
They need to do that in college.
Sonia (23:55):
Hmm.
Good, good point because that's.
Part of the problem right there,they're not getting to class if
they're not responsible fortime, especially if your
adolescent is going to collegein the fall, you're not going to
be calling them
Lauren (24:11):
to wake up.
Right.
And even if they don't have tobe somewhere early to just have
them start practicing getting upat a certain time.
I have parents that I work withthat have high school students
and they tell me, Oh, it takeshim four or five times to wake
up.
And I'm going in there and I'm,you know, turning on the lights
and like begging him to get upand no, that is not going to
(24:34):
serve them when they go on afterhigh school.
Sonia (24:36):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you know what?
I had a parent just actuallythis week mentioned this to me
as well is, um, they're workingon getting their child.
on time to events.
So even if it's not, you know,early morning, getting 15
minutes early to every eventrather than like just lying by
(24:57):
the second.
Absolutely.
Lauren (24:59):
Yeah, that's good too.
So when children do strugglewith executive functioning, they
actually are not seeing thefinal picture.
And I'll tell you what I mean.
If you are getting out to work,Sonia, like say you're leaving
early afternoon after your kidsare in school, at least that's
when I leave off and I startwork at one o'clock, right?
(25:19):
So, um, if you're leaving at say12 o'clock, you've All right,
I'll just use myself.
Cause this is my life.
I leave at 1215, I eat my lunchat 1130.
So at that point, I imaginelike, as I'm moving through the
morning, I imagine myself at thedoor that I'm leaving through.
And.
(25:39):
All that I have with me.
I have my dinner packed for theevening.
I have my work clothes on.
I have my computer.
I have my work bag.
I have my, my physical plannerthat I use.
I have my phone.
So I think about all thosethings that I have.
I think about being at the doorat 1215 and now I have to work
my way back.
(26:00):
I have to work my way back intime to make all of those things
happen.
But when kids struggle withexecutive functioning, they do
not see that final picture andthey do not naturally find their
way through space and time.
So for them, you can practicewith them by using, I like to
get little clocks from likeHomeGoods or TJ Maxx or wherever
(26:22):
they're inexpensive that haveeither a plastic or a glass
face.
And you can actually use.
markers, like dry erase markersand write on them.
So like, if you have say a highschooler who is.
Getting up at like 6 45 to leavethe house by 7 30.
(26:43):
And so you could talk to them.
All right, we're going topractice getting up and out on
time.
So yeah, you wake up at 6 45.
Let's talk about all the thingsthat you have to do.
You've, you know, if it's ateenage boy, not a lot, they're
going to throw on their clothes.
that are probably on theirfloor, brush their teeth, go to
the bathroom, grab a granola barand out they go.
(27:04):
Right?
So you can say, okay, these arethe things.
So you need to be out the doorat seven 30.
So you can like color it in onthe clock so they can really see
the It's this amount of time.
You can also buy somethingcalled the time timer, which
does that.
It kind of like is a color onthe clock and then that color
(27:24):
goes away as the time is almostover.
You, they also have an alarm youcan use or you don't need the
alarm, but it just startshelping kids to see their way
through space and time.
I like to also use this withthem when they're doing
homework.
So if they're kids who you'relike, why is it taking you four
hours to do this little amountof homework?
(27:47):
You can say to them, estimatehow long your Spanish homework
is going to take.
Okay.
You've estimated half an hour.
All right.
So take this time timer, let'sset it for half an hour and
let's see how long it takes you.
And then if it takes them likean hour, you can say, what
happened?
Did you start responding to textmessages?
(28:08):
Did you start surfing the web?
Did you get up to play with thedog?
Like what happened?
Are you just not estimatingwell, and there was no way you
were accomplishing that amountof work in half an hour.
So you can use the clocks.
You can also just ask your kid,like when it comes to leaving
for school, like imagine youhave everything that you need,
(28:29):
work your way back.
How long is it going to takeyou?
And then adjust as you go,because they're usually, they're
usually wrong.
It usually takes more or lesstime than what they're
estimating.
Usually more.
Sonia (28:42):
Well, in us as parents, we can't have a gauge already in
our mind for them, how long itreally takes them and make that
the starting point.
And then they can adjust asneeded to just get them on the,
you know, get them started.
Lauren (28:55):
Or even worse, Sonia, I think a lot of parents, and I've
certainly done this before whereyou go, Oh, Oh, oh, it's seven
15.
Like, you gotta get up.
Are you gonna have time?
You still gotta, you know,you've gotta get going.
Oh, don't forget this.
Hey, isn't it music today?
Go grab your trumpet.
And we're like micromanaging forthem.
Sonia (29:15):
Good point.
What about, how do you see thebenefits of a part time job,
volunteering job, something thatthey can do this summer to help
them prepare, whether it's goingback to school, um, high school
or college.
Yeah.
Lauren (29:28):
I love for kids to have a part time job because I think
that really teaches them somegreat skills.
They've got to be on time orthey're going to have some
natural consequences.
Their boss is going to beannoyed with them and I'm sure
express some of that.
themselves.
They have to learn new tasks.
They have responsibilities.
They have to meet new people andget along with people on the
(29:52):
job.
You know, I think that in asimilar way being in clubs or on
team sports can be helpful too,but a part time job really very
much encompasses, I think, someof the skills they need to have
going to college.
Sonia (30:08):
You're right, because a part time job is, it's a little
bit more, there's a little bitmore responsibility behind it.
And there's, there's more, theconsequences are a little
higher.
So then they, But they have toput a little bit more of an
effort than if it's a volunteeror a community service project.
Lauren (30:23):
A hundred percent.
Yep.
The stakes are higher.
The stakes are definitelyhigher.
And it's motivating for a lot ofkids because they get a paycheck
and then they have money to dosome of the, some of the things
they want to do.
You know, my son is, he is lateto high school quite a bit.
He drives himself to high schooland it really used to stress me
(30:45):
out and I would tell him Bemicromanaging him and then I was
like, this is not good orhealthy for our dynamic.
I was like natural consequences.
But then I'm like, dude, why isnothing happening?
You've been late like eighttimes and not like super late
Sonia, but by like five minutes,like three to five minutes.
Well, I recently found out thatthey don't penalize the kids for
(31:06):
being late because Our districtshares buses with the middle
school.
They drop at the middle schoolfirst.
So some of the kids are justlate from the buses.
So he hasn't had that naturalconsequence, but interestingly,
and this gives me hope he did upuntil recently when baseball
started, he had a part time jobfor about a year where he was
(31:28):
busing tables at a restaurantand he always left on time for
that.
So.
I think sometimes kids do knowlike kind of what they can get
away with versus what theycan't.
But it was good for me to see hewas always on time for the job.
They seem to really love himthere and rely on him and ask
him to cover shifts at times.
(31:48):
And I think it taught him somereally good skills.
Sonia (31:52):
Very very awesome.
I think that's something that'smuch needed for all of our
students.
Yes.
And so, so the last thing I wantto ask you about is.
What is your take on studentssocial skills, communication
skills?
What do you see?
Where are they struggling andwhat can we do to help?
Lauren (32:11):
Yeah, I think this goes back a little bit to what we
were talking about with emailsand text messages and how to
really address and communicatewith adults, like, you know, who
are going to be in positions of,you know, stress.
being professors or bosses atjobs.
Um, I think it can be reallyhelpful too.
(32:32):
And this starts when they'reyounger, just teaching them eye
contact and, you know, um, niceto meet you too, or thank you
for having me.
Just some of those basic skills.
I mean, hopefully by the timethey're a high schooler, they're
already doing those things, butif they're not, then I think
those are important skills forthem to have and just, you know,
(32:53):
You know, I know they don't wantto hear it from us as parents,
but however, your child isreceptive to listening to you.
Just again, letting them know,yeah, there's so much about life
that is really about theconnections that we make.
And here are just some simpleways to make positive lasting
impressions.
Just, you know, being friendly,maybe shaking a hand, saying
(33:16):
it's nice to meet you, thankingpeople for having you, if you've
been to their home, or formeeting with you, if it's a job
interview or something of thatsort.
Sonia (33:26):
Good point.
Good point.
I like to, um, put my kiddos, Iknow mine are a little younger,
but I like to, to put them infront of, um, placing orders.
So when we're, you know, at adrive through or ordering at,
Chick fil a or Starbucks.
Now, you know where we go andyou know, I tell them, okay,
(33:49):
place your own order.
I don't place it for them.
I let them order.
And it's funny because, oh mygosh, I know they've learned
because they'll start.
imitating some of the thingsthat I say, like, Oh, I would
like this kind of special milkand, you know, this and that.
And they're very specific ontheir order.
I'm like, Oh my gosh, they'relearning that from me.
Lauren (34:10):
That's awesome.
I love that Sonia, but yes,that's great.
Right.
Giving them opportunities tospeak up, to place orders or
have interactions with adults.
I think that's really helpful.
Sonia (34:22):
Oh my goodness, Lauren, thank you so much for all the
information that you have sharedwith us today.
Is there something that I havenot asked you, um, that you
think I should have or atakeaway for our parents?
Lauren (34:36):
Oh, such a good question, Sonia.
You know, I am just thinkingthere are instances where they
also.
Could use a little bit of help.
So on the one hand, I think wereally should instill them with
as much independence aspossible, but on the other hand,
to also offer them some graceand understanding that they are
(34:57):
just figuring things out theirprefrontal cortex, where all
that decision making and whereexecutive function Thing
happens, that part of theirbrain is not fully developed
until they're in their early tomid twenties.
You know, I just had an instancewith 1 of my clients where she
is going to 1 university andthen over the summer going to
(35:18):
take classes at anotheruniversity because she did not
pass all of her classes this 1stfreshman semester or freshman
year.
And she told her parents like,Nope, I can do this.
I can figure out how to get mytranscript and sign up at this
other university and do thesummer sessions.
And when I saw her today, Sonia,she was panicked because she
(35:39):
said, I got the email that I'mregistered, but I haven't gotten
my schedule.
I said, I can see you're reallystressed.
You want to try to figure thisout together.
And we did.
And what turns out was that shehad accidentally registered
herself for fall classes, whichis not what she needed.
So luckily, we figured this outearly.
And, you know, I helped her tocall the registrar's office and
(36:01):
got this all hopefully fixed.
Fingers crossed.
But, you know, we were writingnotes to each other as, you
know, you know, in talking tothe registrar's office, she
started crying, got upset.
So I, I took over and just saidI was helping her.
Um, and I wrote down, this issomething, you know, that
probably your parents shouldhave helped you with.
And she wrote back and said, no,I said I could do it on my own.
(36:25):
And so I would say no one is atfault.
But it's just one of thosethings that is really confusing
and hard to do.
And it was hard for me to figureout in helping her.
So we also need to give themgrace when they do make
mistakes, they are doing theirbest and they are still
learning.
Sonia (36:44):
Beautifully said friend.
Thank you so much.
And please tell our audience alittle bit about yourself, where
they can find you, where theycan connect with you, because I
know you are filled with lots ofhelpful information for parents
of teens, young ones, and evenour adolescents.
Ah,
Lauren (37:01):
thank you, my friend.
So, if you are local inConnecticut, I do have a private
practice, Firefly Counseling andWellness, where myself and a
clinician who works with me, wedo work supporting kids.
Adolescents, you know, children,adolescents, and families
specializing in treatinganxiety.
I also have a podcast that'scompletely free with lots of
(37:21):
content to support both childrenand their mental health, as well
as parents to really help themfoster a great connection.
And because I know as a parentand working with parents, we
have to care for ourselves inorder to have patients to care
for our children.
I also always work on helpingparents to do that.
(37:43):
My podcast has a full lengthepisode each week, as well as a
short guided meditation.
Oh, and did I say what that'scalled?
I didn't say.
You did not say.
You did not say.
That would be helpful perhaps.
It's called Your
Sonia (37:55):
Zen Friend.
I love it.
Make sure y'all listen to itbecause it is a great podcast.
And I love the, drop of Zenepisodes because they are so
just relaxing and so Brings backto my Zen because guess what?
We all need to balance our Zenevery once in a while.
Oh, thank you.
Lauren (38:15):
Sonia.
And thank you for everythingyou're doing.
It is much needed.
I think what you have to offeris so helpful.
Sonia (38:23):
Thank you so much.
And also I wanted to mention toour audience, uh, Lauren was
also a guest on episode number62.
So if you have a child withanxiety, she shared some great
tips on that episode, it'sepisode number 62, and I'll have
link on the show notes.
All right, sweet friend untilnext time.
I know you'll be back.
(38:43):
So thank you so much for beinghere with us today.
Thank you so much, Sonia..
Hi, I'm Sonia Cacique.
Lauren (00:02):
And I'm Lauren Wolf, and you're listening to the College
and Career Ready podcast.
Sonia (00:48):
college and career ready podcast.
Today on our podcast, we have aphenomenal guest.
Um, she is also a dear friend ofmine, and I'm excited to have
her here.
Lauren Wolf, is a licensedprofessional counselor who
supports children, teens, andfamily, and who has done so for
(01:11):
more than 20 years.
She also specializes in anxietyand children, both big and
small.
And she's a mom of two beautifuland wonderful children who are
now going to college And so shenot only brings her experience
as a therapist, but also as amom who is in the midst Of
preparing her own son to go tocollege.
(01:34):
So in today's conversation, wewill be exploring how to better
prepare our growing adolescentsto transition from high school
to college.
And what as parents, what we cando today to better prepare them.
So be ready to take notes forsome actionable items that she
will share with us today.
(01:54):
And let me introduce and welcomeLauren Wolf.
Lauren (01:58):
Thank you, Sonia.
Such a lovely introduction.
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you.
Sonia (02:03):
Thank you so much for spending time with us because I
know you're going to beproviding our guests, um, our
audience, some valuableinformation, Lauren.
And, and let me ask you this,how is it going?
Preparing your son right now togo to college.
Your last one,
Lauren (02:20):
gosh, I think I'm.
He's still very much right nowin the weeds of like all the end
of the year stuff for him withthe high school and like I just
on my break was uploading photosof him for his banquet dinner
for baseball and he's got adance.
Oh my gosh, tonight.
(02:41):
My husband will oversee thatwhile I'm working, but there's
so much stuff.
So I haven't started wrapping myhead around college yet.
He has his orientation nextweek, so it, it will start soon,
I think, but I'm, I feel likeI've only got like one big toe
in college land with him and therest of me is still like in high
school.
(03:02):
Like, is this real?
Is this true?
Am I going to be in a
Sonia (03:05):
minester?
Lauren (03:06):
Exactly.
And I will say this because Ialways really dreaded this time
of my life.
If there's anyone out therelistening, thinking, Oh no, I
feel so sad.
Just imagining my last childgoing to college.
I am ready.
I am excited.
I adore him.
So it's not like I'm trying toget rid of him, but I also am
(03:28):
just kind of done with some ofthe stuff that, you know, just
being a parent of a kid in theschool system.
I'm just, I am ready.
Sonia, bring it on girl.
Sonia (03:39):
I love it.
I love it.
And this is what I like aboutyou.
Um, Lauren is that you're justtrue and authentic.
And I think, I think ouraudience will feel this.
And this is why I'm so excitedto have you here because we want
to talk about your experience asa therapist, because you have
heard it all since you deal withadolescents specifically.
(04:00):
What is going on?
What are we doing as parents?
What are we doing wrong?
And what can we do to betterprepare our children for
college?
Such
Lauren (04:10):
a great question.
I think that what often happensis that we really do a great job
caring for our children andmeeting their needs.
But then Um, their needs changeand then where they are
developmentally changes.
And it's hard to see because weare just kind of so enmeshed in
(04:31):
the daily life as parents caringfor our children.
And I think at times as parents,we lose sight of the gift it is
to our kids to start giving themindependence and ownership.
And I know we're going to talkabout this over things such as
homework.
and projects and classwork andgetting themselves up and out in
(04:52):
the morning and managing theirown schedules.
And I think that one of the bestthings we can do for our kids to
be successful in college to getthat degree that they're going
there for is to really startgiving them independence at the
very least in high school.
Some of this can start evenearlier so that when they leave
(05:13):
you and they get to decide whenthey wake up, when they go to
sleep and all the stuff inbetween, they can be successful
in doing all that is being askedof them.
Sonia (05:26):
Understandable.
And you know, the, thestatistics actually say that 30,
about 30, 32% Of undergraduatestudents will not complete their
degree.
Wow.
30%.
Now, can you imagine the amountof money that would have been
invested in a child's educationfor them not to complete?
(05:49):
So let's, let's go a little bit,um, into your experience.
What are students strugglingwith in college?
So let's start with the strugglefirst, right.
To get to the bottom of it.
And then we'll backtrack to whatparents can do.
Lauren (06:02):
Yeah, sure.
So I see a lot of kidsstruggling with executive
functioning, which of coursemeans them moving through space
and time.
Them getting, you know, gettingup in time to get to class
that's a certain distance fromtheir building and do
everything, you know, from theirdorm building and do everything
that they need to do before theyget there.
(06:24):
Them struggling with beingorganized With knowing where
things are, with knowing what'sdue when for what class, with
being able to really just dosome of the daily tasks that
they need to do to get work inon time, to be really learning
(06:44):
at a deep level and not justshowing up at class.
And some of my kids reallystruggle with going to classes
because they have thisindependence and it's like, Oh,
my dad's not on me.
My mom's not on me.
My guidance counselor's not onme.
For some kids, Sonia, theyreally have adults in their life
(07:04):
that are making sure they'redoing what they need to do.
And then when no one's reallymaking sure they need to do what
they need to do, they're like.
Whatever.
I'll sleep in.
I was out late last night.
And here's what happened withone of my students this year,
which was just so hard towitness.
She was a freshman in collegeand she was skipping a lot of
(07:26):
classes in the beginning andthen really started getting
herself To class on a regularbasis, but then got sick, not
once, but twice, got COVID andthen poor thing got food
poisoning from the schoolcafeteria.
So because she then had alreadymissed so many classes, some of
(07:46):
her, her teachers had policieswhere she automatically.
failed the classes and couldn'tcontinue.
And because she didn't getdoctor's notes as needed, there
was no way to prove that she hadbeen sick.
And so it's really easy to kindof have that snowball effect and
not realize like, no, youactually need to go to class
(08:08):
because if something happens,then you will be missing class
for a legitimate reason.
And also parents who arelistening, tell your kids, get a
doctor's note.
I don't care if it's like viraland there's nothing a doctor can
do, have them see either healthservices or a Teladoc or someone
that can give them that note andget an excused absence.
(08:31):
I
Sonia (08:32):
love that.
And actually you're alreadygiving me an idea here with my
own children.
When they are absent, walk themthrough that process of I need
to make sure I need to get anote because and explained
because as parents, I mean,we're so loving, we just do it,
we don't really explain and say,you know what, I'm going to get
(08:53):
a letter, because this willremove that absence absences
count, you know, make that makethat more full circle for them.
Right.
Lauren (09:02):
And so I think students, you know, might think they're
being on top of things bysaying, Oh, look, I can miss
class three times.
So I'm going to miss it once.
And I don't really feel likegoing, I'll miss it a second
time.
You know, not realize, well,what's going to happen if you
get really sick and now it's athing.
Now you need notes.
Now you need to talk to theteacher.
You might have to go to the Deanof students.
(09:24):
Why set yourself up for thatstress?
Sonia (09:27):
Absolutely.
And if they don't even know toread their syllabus, where it
clearly states where it clearlystates what each individual
class will have differentrequirements.
Yes.
Lauren (09:41):
Absolutely.
So well said.
And again, back to that studentthat struggles with executive
functioning, they are going tohave a hard time looking at the
different syllabuses, keepingtrack of the different classroom
policies for absences orwhatever that might be.
And for many kids too, like kidswho have ADHD or kids who are
(10:03):
neuro, neuro, Divergent can'ttalk neurodivergent, they often
will have a hard time withself-motivation.
Again, nobody's making them dowhat they need to do so they can
struggle with that, and that canbe difficult to make themselves
do what they need to do.
Sonia (10:20):
Ooh, thank you for bringing that to the forefront
about, you know, the known factthat there are certain students
that will struggle more withexecutive function skills.
Mm-Hmm.
amongst all the other studentsas well.
Totally.
Of course.
But there are certain studentsthat will struggle a little
more.
So you said ADHD and, and whatother
Lauren (10:39):
kids with autism, um, kids, this is a diagnosis that
used to be recognized, isn'trecognized now, but I'm hearing
might be recognized again, whichis nonverbal learning
disability, um, kids withlearning disabilities like
dyslexia will often strugglewith.
You know, kind of getting frompoint A to point B and can get
(11:02):
overwhelmed at times with a lotof responsibility depending on
the kid.
Sonia (11:07):
Thank you for noting that.
And for our parent listeners,there are special services in
the college setting that willhelp support your child.
So let me ask you, let me askyou this, uh, Lauren, how do you
think a child could benefit anadolescent if they actually had
a child?
For example, just throwing itout there.
Not because, um, it's somethingthat I might have under my
(11:29):
sleeve, but what if they had acourse or a community where we,
on the first session, we talkabout reading the syllabus
Lauren (11:40):
and going over the syllabus and maybe even.
I don't know, Sonia, but I'mthinking maybe even like
printing out every syllabusbecause I know everything's
online and having them alltogether in a folder where you
can access or maybe justelectronically putting them in a
Google drive where you caneasily boom, boom, boom, look at
each of them.
(12:01):
100%.
I think that would be helpful.
And I will say this too, Sonia,that some kids have an executive
functioning delay so that whenI, I.
don't remember exactly what itis, but at different ages, there
is like an amount of time we canplan ahead for.
So for some children, eventhough.
(12:24):
And I apologize, I should havelooked this up ahead of time.
I didn't think of it.
But even though in college,there's a certain amount of time
that kids really can developmentally, see ahead, plan ahead,
navigate ahead to like bestudying for upcoming tests and
beginning upcoming projects.
Some kids are just behind wheretheir peers are.
(12:45):
So for them, it's just even moredifficult.
So it's not like they're justbeing slackers.
They, their brain, it's justlike some kids walk earlier than
other kids walk, right?
We don't say, Hey, why aren'tyou walking?
You're in that window.
As long as you're in thatdevelopmental window, we trust
kids are going to walk at somepoint.
(13:05):
They, you know, in many cases dofor some kids.
Um, they are just having aharder time with all of those
executive functioning skills andthey do eventually kind of catch
up to everyone else, but needsome support in the meantime.
So what you're talking about, Ithink would be phenomenal
(13:25):
because there's no one that doesthat.
And also for kids that havelike, they've been part of
special education in gradeschool or they have some sort of
accommodation for, you know, Anyparticular type of reason, like
they are able to accessservices.
So maybe they have autism orADHD or very high anxiety around
(13:47):
perfectionism.
Very often what I find isthere's some level of support
for them at school, but toaccess an additional level of
support, you have to pay forthat as parents.
And so that's, that's, that's,that's, that's, that's, that's,
that's, that's I had a kidrecently and it was really
expensive and not something theparents could pay for.
(14:07):
So something that's accessiblefor kids to get some support, I
think is phenomenal.
Very helpful.
Sonia (14:15):
Yeah.
Well, and especially, you know,I have a student that I was
coaching it's something assimple as, you know, I asked, I
asked him where he put Ourmeeting.
So he's an entering collegestudent, right?
So mom's letting him be a littlebit more independent.
And I said, where did you putour meeting?
He's like, actually didn't putanywhere.
I just remember.
I was like, okay, how about, howabout we download a Google
(14:39):
calendar?
And sweet boy, I love it.
It's actually one of my favoritestudents.
And he said, I'm going to do itright now.
I said, okay, you do that.
And you know, he, he downloadedthe Google calendar and said,
all right.
Now I'm going to send you theinvitation and you're going to
receive it.
And, and it was funny because hedownloaded it.
So this is really cool.
He downloaded the Googlecalendar.
(15:00):
And I think because itautomatically attached to his
Gmail, it automaticallypopulated our, our, um, meeting
to his calendar.
So when I pulled up hiscalendar, it was already there.
He's like, Oh wait, themeeting's already there.
I was like, I know, cause yourphone is smart.
That is awesome.
It's things like those that wejust need to put it in the
forefront.
And I actually told him, um, thehardest thing, and I, I wants to
(15:24):
validate this because I don'twant students to feel like this
only happens to them.
This happens to us adults too.
Yeah, I said the hardest part ofmy calendar is actually opening
it in the morning and seeing it.
That's the hardest part.
Is that just opening it andseeing what my schedule is for
the day.
And so anyways, we talked aboutstrategies on how to include
that into their daily habit.
(15:45):
Um, so thank you for sharingthat.
Okay.
So let's hop into tacticalitems, things that parents can
do today to help studentsprepare for that transition.
Yeah.
I would say
Lauren (16:00):
if you have a kid who is in high school and you are still
looking at a transition.
Like, for us, we have GoogleClassroom.
And if the parent is stilllooking at Google Classroom to
access assignments, and if theparent is still asking the kid,
did you do this?
Did you do that?
Are you studying?
I think it would be reallybeneficial to give ownership to
(16:22):
your child.
Now, I know, easier said thandone.
And you're probably doing itbecause.
Your kid maybe has a learningdisability or ADHD or is
struggling in some way.
So to do that gradually for themto come up with a plan with
them, you know, sit down andtalk to them.
I want you to be able to beindependent.
I know you're talking aboutwanting to go to college, so I
(16:45):
want you to start owning this.
Where can we start and reallyhaving them on board and
understanding, like if you pick,okay.
I'm not going to check yourhomework anymore.
You're in charge of homeworkassignments and getting them in.
And then really, and this is thehard part, allowing natural
consequences where your childgoes into school without
homework completed and, youknow, has to talk to the teacher
(17:09):
about it.
Ideally, Sonia, I think thiswould happen.
in grade school and at the veryleast middle school where stakes
are low.
I get a lot of perfectioniststhat stress out about their
middle school grades and I say,no one is ever going to ask you
for your middle schooltranscript.
This is time to practice being agood learner, but you don't have
(17:31):
to do it perfectly.
So that's a great time forparents to really let go in
middle school and for kids toget that autonomy to be able to
do it themselves later on.
Sonia (17:43):
Ooh, great, great point.
And you're making me feel muchbetter because, um, with my own
fifth graders, I have to havetwins.
And so with my own fifthgraders, I did that a lot of
staying back.
This one's gonna hurt andparents, you're gonna feel the
pain right now in just a minute.
Yep.
We did the, the award ceremonyand one of my child, one of my
(18:06):
children, um, got a B honorroll.
Beautiful.
I, I will always, whatever theyget, they have earned and I am
proud of them.
We always, we always look afterthe fact as far as progress,
right?
If there's progress, great.
But it wasn't until after thefact that my daughter.
I didn't want to say who it was.
(18:26):
It's okay.
That my daughter said, mom,guess what?
I said, what?
I'll had one 89.
And because of that 89, I didn'tget the Ollie on a roll.
And I was like, It's okay.
You did great.
(18:46):
You got A's and B's.
I'm excited.
But in my heart, in my mind, Iwas like, But I did say that.
And I wanted, I wanted her tonotice it.
So now she has, has sufferedthat little icky feeling of
like, Ah, if it would have justbeen one point, I would have
gotten all these.
So guess what?
(19:06):
I'm sure next year she's goingto keep up with her grades and
know that that one point makes abig difference.
And
Lauren (19:13):
even more or importantly, or at least as
importantly, Sonia, she sat withthat uncomfortable feeling and
she was okay, right?
She was able to say, Oh, I wasone point away and, and she was
able to deal with it, which Ithink is huge, huge.
Because I know that we know asadults, like, you know, I'm 51,
(19:36):
I know you're a bit younger, butstill old enough that we have
experience to say, I've learnedso much from my mistakes from my
failure.
We all make mistakes.
We all fail at things.
And often that puts us in thedirection that later is really.
Rewarding.
Sonia (19:55):
Yes.
No, I agree.
And, and as a parent, I had thatsecond thought afterwards, like
I should have checked yourgrades so much more closely, but
no, I'm
Lauren (20:05):
doing what I'm supposed to.
You know, my daughter and see,this is where I'm like, some
people are going to think I'm aterrible parent Sonia, but when
my daughter was just in secondgrade and she's my oldest, she
had an assignment where theymade.
I guess it's called a diorama.
They make like a, um, a scene ina shoe box and it was something
(20:25):
to do with like the ocean and Ilet her do it on her own because
it was her project.
And I said, Hey, if you needhelp, I'll help you.
I helped her like get the, the,um, supplies and what she was
using.
She did it on her own.
It took her about five minutes.
It did not look amazing.
And so I said, Hey, you, youknow, you did that really
(20:46):
quickly.
And I need you to know that whenyou see the other kids
assignments, a lot of them aregoing to be created by people's
parents and they're going to beamazing.
And I need you to be okay withwhat you've created.
And she said, yeah, I'm fine.
I said, okay, great.
So she went to school.
She came home the next day intears telling me how amazing all
(21:08):
of the others were.
And so I said, okay, welleither, you know, for next time
or if you want and see, this iswhere as an older kid, I would
have said you can talk to yourteacher, but she was seven.
So I said, yeah.
I can email your teacher and seeif it's okay for you to bring it
home and work on it some more.
Of course, her teacher said,fine, Lena brought it home.
(21:31):
She herself worked on it more,brought it back and felt better
about it.
But, you know, I think that goesfor, if that's a high school
student, do that.
They can email the teacher.
I always love for at least thefirst few times your kids are
emailing a teacher, look at itwith them.
Because I know from when Icommunicate with, with some of
(21:53):
my kids who are clients, they'renot always good with the
formality of formalities of dearso and so or hi, so and so.
And then, you know, a littlenicety, like I hope you're
having a nice day.
I wanted to reach out and askyou X, Y, Z, and then a thank
you, you know, signing the namelike they don't know how to do
that.
Or they often don't reply,right?
(22:15):
I'll have a kid reach out andtext me with a question and then
I'll, Um, respond back and Idon't get a thank you or a got
it or a like.
So they need to learn thoseskills because we know as adults
that helps you to make and keepconnections.
And it's often not what youknow, but who you know, you want
them to form those good positiveconnections with professors and
(22:38):
the other adults in their lives.
Sonia (22:41):
Absolutely.
All right.
So that, those are great tips,especially for, um, parents who
still have high school students,right?
Who are still going into highschool, but some of the tips
that I know you're going toshare with us, they can actually
do today if they're actuallyalready going to college and for
those who are still in, in gradeschool.
(23:02):
So tell us some of those tips.
Cause I know one of them wasabout setting an alarm.
Absolutely.
Lauren (23:07):
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
A hundred percent.
And this, you can do this withyour college kid.
You can do this with your thirdgrader.
Let your kids be responsible forgetting themselves up in the
morning.
They can set an alarm.
They will tell you, Oh, I won'thear it.
Well, they can put their phoneacross the room.
They can have an old schoolalarm clock as a backup if they
(23:30):
really need it.
I actually had one kid, Sonia,that had this.
thing that it was an alarmclock, but it somehow attached
underneath her mattress and itwould vibrate the mattress
because she would sleep throughalarms.
So there are so many devices outthere nowadays to make sure that
they get up and let them beresponsible for getting up and
(23:51):
out of the house on time.
They need to do that in college.
Sonia (23:55):
Hmm.
Good, good point because that's.
Part of the problem right there,they're not getting to class if
they're not responsible fortime, especially if your
adolescent is going to collegein the fall, you're not going to
be calling them
Lauren (24:11):
to wake up.
Right.
And even if they don't have tobe somewhere early to just have
them start practicing getting upat a certain time.
I have parents that I work withthat have high school students
and they tell me, Oh, it takeshim four or five times to wake
up.
And I'm going in there and I'm,you know, turning on the lights
and like begging him to get upand no, that is not going to
(24:34):
serve them when they go on afterhigh school.
Sonia (24:36):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you know what?
I had a parent just actuallythis week mentioned this to me
as well is, um, they're workingon getting their child.
on time to events.
So even if it's not, you know,early morning, getting 15
minutes early to every eventrather than like just lying by
(24:57):
the second.
Absolutely.
Lauren (24:59):
Yeah, that's good too.
So when children do strugglewith executive functioning, they
actually are not seeing thefinal picture.
And I'll tell you what I mean.
If you are getting out to work,Sonia, like say you're leaving
early afternoon after your kidsare in school, at least that's
when I leave off and I startwork at one o'clock, right?
(25:19):
So, um, if you're leaving at say12 o'clock, you've All right,
I'll just use myself.
Cause this is my life.
I leave at 1215, I eat my lunchat 1130.
So at that point, I imaginelike, as I'm moving through the
morning, I imagine myself at thedoor that I'm leaving through.
And.
(25:39):
All that I have with me.
I have my dinner packed for theevening.
I have my work clothes on.
I have my computer.
I have my work bag.
I have my, my physical plannerthat I use.
I have my phone.
So I think about all thosethings that I have.
I think about being at the doorat 1215 and now I have to work
my way back.
(26:00):
I have to work my way back intime to make all of those things
happen.
But when kids struggle withexecutive functioning, they do
not see that final picture andthey do not naturally find their
way through space and time.
So for them, you can practicewith them by using, I like to
get little clocks from likeHomeGoods or TJ Maxx or wherever
(26:22):
they're inexpensive that haveeither a plastic or a glass
face.
And you can actually use.
markers, like dry erase markersand write on them.
So like, if you have say a highschooler who is.
Getting up at like 6 45 to leavethe house by 7 30.
(26:43):
And so you could talk to them.
All right, we're going topractice getting up and out on
time.
So yeah, you wake up at 6 45.
Let's talk about all the thingsthat you have to do.
You've, you know, if it's ateenage boy, not a lot, they're
going to throw on their clothes.
that are probably on theirfloor, brush their teeth, go to
the bathroom, grab a granola barand out they go.
(27:04):
Right?
So you can say, okay, these arethe things.
So you need to be out the doorat seven 30.
So you can like color it in onthe clock so they can really see
the It's this amount of time.
You can also buy somethingcalled the time timer, which
does that.
It kind of like is a color onthe clock and then that color
(27:24):
goes away as the time is almostover.
You, they also have an alarm youcan use or you don't need the
alarm, but it just startshelping kids to see their way
through space and time.
I like to also use this withthem when they're doing
homework.
So if they're kids who you'relike, why is it taking you four
hours to do this little amountof homework?
(27:47):
You can say to them, estimatehow long your Spanish homework
is going to take.
Okay.
You've estimated half an hour.
All right.
So take this time timer, let'sset it for half an hour and
let's see how long it takes you.
And then if it takes them likean hour, you can say, what
happened?
Did you start responding to textmessages?
(28:08):
Did you start surfing the web?
Did you get up to play with thedog?
Like what happened?
Are you just not estimatingwell, and there was no way you
were accomplishing that amountof work in half an hour.
So you can use the clocks.
You can also just ask your kid,like when it comes to leaving
for school, like imagine youhave everything that you need,
(28:29):
work your way back.
How long is it going to takeyou?
And then adjust as you go,because they're usually, they're
usually wrong.
It usually takes more or lesstime than what they're
estimating.
Usually more.
Sonia (28:42):
Well, in us as parents, we can't have a gauge already in
our mind for them, how long itreally takes them and make that
the starting point.
And then they can adjust asneeded to just get them on the,
you know, get them started.
Lauren (28:55):
Or even worse, Sonia, I think a lot of parents, and I've
certainly done this before whereyou go, Oh, Oh, oh, it's seven
15.
Like, you gotta get up.
Are you gonna have time?
You still gotta, you know,you've gotta get going.
Oh, don't forget this.
Hey, isn't it music today?
Go grab your trumpet.
And we're like micromanaging forthem.
Sonia (29:15):
Good point.
What about, how do you see thebenefits of a part time job,
volunteering job, something thatthey can do this summer to help
them prepare, whether it's goingback to school, um, high school
or college.
Yeah.
Lauren (29:28):
I love for kids to have a part time job because I think
that really teaches them somegreat skills.
They've got to be on time orthey're going to have some
natural consequences.
Their boss is going to beannoyed with them and I'm sure
express some of that.
themselves.
They have to learn new tasks.
They have responsibilities.
They have to meet new people andget along with people on the
(29:52):
job.
You know, I think that in asimilar way being in clubs or on
team sports can be helpful too,but a part time job really very
much encompasses, I think, someof the skills they need to have
going to college.
Sonia (30:08):
You're right, because a part time job is, it's a little
bit more, there's a little bitmore responsibility behind it.
And there's, there's more, theconsequences are a little
higher.
So then they, But they have toput a little bit more of an
effort than if it's a volunteeror a community service project.
Lauren (30:23):
A hundred percent.
Yep.
The stakes are higher.
The stakes are definitelyhigher.
And it's motivating for a lot ofkids because they get a paycheck
and then they have money to dosome of the, some of the things
they want to do.
You know, my son is, he is lateto high school quite a bit.
He drives himself to high schooland it really used to stress me
(30:45):
out and I would tell him Bemicromanaging him and then I was
like, this is not good orhealthy for our dynamic.
I was like natural consequences.
But then I'm like, dude, why isnothing happening?
You've been late like eighttimes and not like super late
Sonia, but by like five minutes,like three to five minutes.
Well, I recently found out thatthey don't penalize the kids for
(31:06):
being late because Our districtshares buses with the middle
school.
They drop at the middle schoolfirst.
So some of the kids are justlate from the buses.
So he hasn't had that naturalconsequence, but interestingly,
and this gives me hope he did upuntil recently when baseball
started, he had a part time jobfor about a year where he was
(31:28):
busing tables at a restaurantand he always left on time for
that.
So.
I think sometimes kids do knowlike kind of what they can get
away with versus what theycan't.
But it was good for me to see hewas always on time for the job.
They seem to really love himthere and rely on him and ask
him to cover shifts at times.
(31:48):
And I think it taught him somereally good skills.
Sonia (31:52):
Very very awesome.
I think that's something that'smuch needed for all of our
students.
Yes.
And so, so the last thing I wantto ask you about is.
What is your take on studentssocial skills, communication
skills?
What do you see?
Where are they struggling andwhat can we do to help?
Lauren (32:11):
Yeah, I think this goes back a little bit to what we
were talking about with emailsand text messages and how to
really address and communicatewith adults, like, you know, who
are going to be in positions of,you know, stress.
being professors or bosses atjobs.
Um, I think it can be reallyhelpful too.
(32:32):
And this starts when they'reyounger, just teaching them eye
contact and, you know, um, niceto meet you too, or thank you
for having me.
Just some of those basic skills.
I mean, hopefully by the timethey're a high schooler, they're
already doing those things, butif they're not, then I think
those are important skills forthem to have and just, you know,
(32:53):
You know, I know they don't wantto hear it from us as parents,
but however, your child isreceptive to listening to you.
Just again, letting them know,yeah, there's so much about life
that is really about theconnections that we make.
And here are just some simpleways to make positive lasting
impressions.
Just, you know, being friendly,maybe shaking a hand, saying
(33:16):
it's nice to meet you, thankingpeople for having you, if you've
been to their home, or formeeting with you, if it's a job
interview or something of thatsort.
Sonia (33:26):
Good point.
Good point.
I like to, um, put my kiddos, Iknow mine are a little younger,
but I like to, to put them infront of, um, placing orders.
So when we're, you know, at adrive through or ordering at,
Chick fil a or Starbucks.
Now, you know where we go andyou know, I tell them, okay,
(33:49):
place your own order.
I don't place it for them.
I let them order.
And it's funny because, oh mygosh, I know they've learned
because they'll start.
imitating some of the thingsthat I say, like, Oh, I would
like this kind of special milkand, you know, this and that.
And they're very specific ontheir order.
I'm like, Oh my gosh, they'relearning that from me.
Lauren (34:10):
That's awesome.
I love that Sonia, but yes,that's great.
Right.
Giving them opportunities tospeak up, to place orders or
have interactions with adults.
I think that's really helpful.
Sonia (34:22):
Oh my goodness, Lauren, thank you so much for all the
information that you have sharedwith us today.
Is there something that I havenot asked you, um, that you
think I should have or atakeaway for our parents?
Lauren (34:36):
Oh, such a good question, Sonia.
You know, I am just thinkingthere are instances where they
also.
Could use a little bit of help.
So on the one hand, I think wereally should instill them with
as much independence aspossible, but on the other hand,
to also offer them some graceand understanding that they are
(34:57):
just figuring things out theirprefrontal cortex, where all
that decision making and whereexecutive function Thing
happens, that part of theirbrain is not fully developed
until they're in their early tomid twenties.
You know, I just had an instancewith 1 of my clients where she
is going to 1 university andthen over the summer going to
(35:18):
take classes at anotheruniversity because she did not
pass all of her classes this 1stfreshman semester or freshman
year.
And she told her parents like,Nope, I can do this.
I can figure out how to get mytranscript and sign up at this
other university and do thesummer sessions.
And when I saw her today, Sonia,she was panicked because she
(35:39):
said, I got the email that I'mregistered, but I haven't gotten
my schedule.
I said, I can see you're reallystressed.
You want to try to figure thisout together.
And we did.
And what turns out was that shehad accidentally registered
herself for fall classes, whichis not what she needed.
So luckily, we figured this outearly.
And, you know, I helped her tocall the registrar's office and
(36:01):
got this all hopefully fixed.
Fingers crossed.
But, you know, we were writingnotes to each other as, you
know, you know, in talking tothe registrar's office, she
started crying, got upset.
So I, I took over and just saidI was helping her.
Um, and I wrote down, this issomething, you know, that
probably your parents shouldhave helped you with.
And she wrote back and said, no,I said I could do it on my own.
(36:25):
And so I would say no one is atfault.
But it's just one of thosethings that is really confusing
and hard to do.
And it was hard for me to figureout in helping her.
So we also need to give themgrace when they do make
mistakes, they are doing theirbest and they are still
learning.
Sonia (36:44):
Beautifully said friend.
Thank you so much.
And please tell our audience alittle bit about yourself, where
they can find you, where theycan connect with you, because I
know you are filled with lots ofhelpful information for parents
of teens, young ones, and evenour adolescents.
Ah,
Lauren (37:01):
thank you, my friend.
So, if you are local inConnecticut, I do have a private
practice, Firefly Counseling andWellness, where myself and a
clinician who works with me, wedo work supporting kids.
Adolescents, you know, children,adolescents, and families
specializing in treatinganxiety.
I also have a podcast that'scompletely free with lots of
(37:21):
content to support both childrenand their mental health, as well
as parents to really help themfoster a great connection.
And because I know as a parentand working with parents, we
have to care for ourselves inorder to have patients to care
for our children.
I also always work on helpingparents to do that.
(37:43):
My podcast has a full lengthepisode each week, as well as a
short guided meditation.
Oh, and did I say what that'scalled?
I didn't say.
You did not say.
You did not say.
That would be helpful perhaps.
It's called Your
Sonia (37:55):
Zen Friend.
I love it.
Make sure y'all listen to itbecause it is a great podcast.
And I love the, drop of Zenepisodes because they are so
just relaxing and so Brings backto my Zen because guess what?
We all need to balance our Zenevery once in a while.
Oh, thank you.
Lauren (38:15):
Sonia.
And thank you for everythingyou're doing.
It is much needed.
I think what you have to offeris so helpful.
Sonia (38:23):
Thank you so much.
And also I wanted to mention toour audience, uh, Lauren was
also a guest on episode number62.
So if you have a child withanxiety, she shared some great
tips on that episode, it'sepisode number 62, and I'll have
link on the show notes.
All right, sweet friend untilnext time.
I know you'll be back.
(38:43):
So thank you so much for beinghere with us today.
Thank you so much, Sonia..
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.