April 21, 2025 • 35 mins
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The wounds we carry from childhood don't just disappear when we grow up—they actively shape how we connect with others and ourselves. This revealing exploration dives into the ten key factors of family dynamics and how their absence creates specific patterns in our adult relationships.
Ever wonder why you keep encountering the same relationship problems with different people? The answer likely lies in your earliest experiences of connection. As I explain, "If we don't take inventory of ourselves, we're just going to keep making the same mistakes." Whether you struggle with directly stating your needs, fear abandonment, or find yourself repeating your parents' conflict styles, these patterns can be traced back to what you learned—or didn't learn—in your family of origin.
I break down how each missing element creates specific adult challenges: poor communication leads to expecting mind-reading in relationships, lack of belonging creates persistent feelings of being an outsider, missing affection shapes your comfort with physical touch, and absent boundaries make it nearly impossible to say "no" without guilt. Perhaps most profound is how lack of acceptance plants the seeds of shame that affect everything from career choices to romantic partnerships.
The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change. By recognizing these patterns and understanding their origins, you can begin the important work of unlearning unhelpful behaviors and developing healthier alternatives. This isn't about blaming your family, but taking responsibility for your own healing journey. What childhood pattern are you ready to break?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, welcome to part two of the series.
I'm so excited to have you backhere today.
Like I mentioned in the lastpart, this topic, I think, is
extremely important, especiallyin helping us learn from our
past in order to move forward inthe future.
(00:25):
So if you haven't watched partone, I would really encourage
you to go back and listen tothat to kind of get a good basis
for what today's episode is allabout.
So I'll give you a second.
Go on over there.
So I'll give you a second.
(00:46):
Go on over there.
And now you're back.
So, for today's episode, reallywant to lean into not only what
is healthy, but if you did notexperience those healthy factors
of a family, what does thatmean for you today?
How are some of that, how issome of that dysfunction showing
(01:10):
up in your life today?
So the first piece is as you'relistening today, I want you to
think of three factors.
One, how are you inrelationship to yourself?
How are you in relationship toothers, like to friends, family,
(01:34):
platonic relationships.
And then how are you in yourromantic relationships, like
with your boyfriend, girlfriendrelationships, like with your
boyfriend, girlfriend, husband,wife, you know, how are you in
those relationships?
So think of it in those threeareas, because what we might see
is how our childhood wounds areimpacting our present day, how
(02:00):
we interact with people, how wetalk with people, how we talk to
ourselves.
Right, it's really telling.
For instance, if you listenedto the last episode and thought,
honestly, it was fine, I didn'tget a lot of hugs, I didn't get
everything I wanted, but youknow, you just move on Like if
that was your reaction, that'sokay.
(02:22):
But I think it's reallyimportant in this episode for
you to think is there anythingin my behavior, anything in my
thinking, anything in how Iprocess emotions that is telling
me that there might be somethings I need to work on,
because if we don't takeinventory of ourselves, we're
(02:44):
just going to keep making thesame mistakes.
One really interesting thingthat I've heard is people, for
instance, who get remarried,with multiple marriages.
They end up seeing the sameissues in each marriage, right?
They are ending in divorce,they're marrying new people, and
yet they're still seeing thesame issues over and over again.
(03:08):
Why is that?
It's because there's no realchange of themselves, right?
It's the same thing when wetell ourselves oh, once I get to
college, this is going to bedifferent, once I move to this
new city, my life is going to bedifferent, right, we have this
idea of kind of like locationfallacy is the term where once I
(03:32):
get to that place, once I reachmy 30s, once I right, it's not
always location, but it might bea milestone, it might be.
Once this happens, my wholelife is going to be different,
right, because we mistakenlythink these external factors are
what's impacting us, when inreality it's us.
(03:53):
Right, I'm the thing that'sactually impacting my life.
Right, who knew?
But that's the question, right.
Like, but that's the question,right, like.
I need to take inventory ofmyself, my choices, my beliefs,
and if I don't do that, I'mreally doomed to repeat the same
(04:13):
thing over and over and overagain and have absolutely no
like, no recollection, no ideaof why, and we end up blaming
all these other factors, otherpeople, our situation.
The reality is it's us like.
What can we do to change?
(04:34):
And until we're ready to really?
Yes, those things matter.
And you know, of course I thinksystemically there's all sorts
of things that can get in ourway.
But at the same time, if wedon't take inventory of
ourselves, we will justperpetuate a lot of the same
issues, right.
(04:55):
So let's look.
So I gave last time.
I gave you 10 factors of ahealthy relation, a healthy
family.
Okay, 10 factors.
So today I want to take thosesame 10 factors and ask us okay,
if that wasn't achieved the wayit should have, how does that
(05:18):
impact the way I show up in theworld?
Okay, so the first factor wascommunication.
So if that goes well, if myfamily shows me proper
communication, then I'm probablygoing to have a much easier
time being open, honest.
(05:39):
I'm going to be okay withstating what I need, being
direct about my needs.
Right, as I'm talking, I'mthinking about more things.
So, like, one thing to considerwith why our family impacts us
is actually our family is thereto model and teach us how to do
(06:01):
all these things right.
If my family, my parents, don'tknow how or aren't there to
teach me how to do all thesethings right, if my family, my
parents, don't know how oraren't there to teach me how to
communicate, then I'm not goingto know how to communicate right
.
It's like if your parents don'tteach you how to brush your
teeth, or they don't teach youhow to drive a car, or you know
so on and so forth, you're notgoing to know.
(06:24):
It's not something you're justborn knowing.
These are things someone has toteach you.
And, in the same way, when welook at how to be a person, how
to live in the world, no one canteach you that besides your
family.
Right, and eventually we haveto go outside of our family to
learn these things.
(06:44):
Right, and eventually we haveto go outside of our family to
learn these things.
But in actuality, we have tofirst unlearn what our family
taught us, because no matterwhat your family is teaching you
something, it's teaching youhow to be.
And then eventually, as we getolder, we might realize oh,
that's actually not very helpful, that was not very helpful for
(07:07):
me to learn that.
And so in our older age, wehave to unlearn behavior.
Hopefully, we can unlearn thisbehavior and then eventually
learn some new habits or newways of thinking.
So that's something to consider, all of these things.
Why the impact is so, personally, is because we're taught.
(07:31):
We're taught how to communicate, we're taught how to be with
people, we are taught how to beresilient, how to commit, how to
have boundaries by observingour family, observing our
parents, and that's why we haveto recognize some of these
unhealthy habits, because wemight not even realize they're
(07:53):
unhealthy.
We may not even realize thatthese are things that not
everyone does or that are makingour lives more complicated.
So, if you don't know, oh, I'mdoing this thing, all my
relationships are failing, allmy friendships are failing.
It must be them because I'mfine.
(08:14):
Right, if we have that thinking, oh, it must be them, it's not
me, then we're not actually ableto make any changes.
Then we're not actually able tomake any changes.
But once we can recognize, okay, how did I play a role in this?
Then we can actually see somechange.
Right, if we only look at ourpartner, for instance, we only
(08:36):
look at our spouse and say, oh,if they would just change, my
life would just be perfect.
You've already lost Becausethere is no partner that is so
far gone, where they're thecomplete reason why any
relationship fails.
We all have a role in some formor fashion that is contributing
(08:58):
to the dynamic right, and so weneed to be able to step back.
So I'm going on so manytangents, but I think these
pieces are so important as wediscuss how these 10 factors are
impacting you.
So we talked about communication.
If it goes well, I can be open.
(09:19):
I can be honest, I can say whatI want to say and not feel any
kind of hesitation.
Right, or at least maybe verylittle hesitation.
But if communication isn'treally taught or isn't really
healthy, communication isn'tupheld, then we'll communicate
(09:43):
in a lot of ways that aren'thelpful.
Isn't upheld, then we'llcommunicate in a lot of ways
that aren't helpful.
We might think my partner shouldjust know that I didn't like
that.
I should be able.
My partner should just knowwhat I need and they should be
able to read my mind and I'msaying it a little sarcastically
, but that's what I really hearclients say is my partner should
(10:09):
know these things.
They should see that I'm reallycold and that they need to
lower the temperature.
Don't they see that I'mshivering?
Don't they know I just camefrom a long day of work and that
I should have some food infront of me?
(10:31):
There's so much desire for mypartner just to assume my needs.
Right, and the reality is yourpartner, that's not their job to
read your mind If you haven'tasked for these things, if you
haven't stated I need this, andthat you cannot expect your
partner to read your mind, andso that's something that we may
(10:53):
have learned in our families.
Right, I may have learned myparents really valued implicit
expectations.
They may really value that Ishould read their mind, and if I
don't read their mind, I'mgoing to get in a lot of trouble
.
So therefore, everyone musthave this ability.
(11:15):
The reality is that's notsomething that's fair to put on
anyone.
So if you have a need, it's soimportant to voice it right.
And if you voice your need andyour partner still isn't meeting
that need, that is a completelydifferent issue.
But really asking yourself, howdo I communicate if my needs
(11:38):
aren't being met?
If we're arguing all the time,if I feel unheard, is there
anything I am doing that'scontributing to not being heard?
Is there anything I'm doingthat's impeding our ability to
communicate?
Well, so that's somethingreally important to think about.
(11:59):
The other piece, the secondfactor, was togetherness, and
that is really having a sense ofbelonging, a sense of family,
right, like we are one.
If that's not there, often,like I mentioned last time, you
(12:19):
can feel like an outsider.
I don't really belong here.
How, if that happens, how canthat impact you in the present
day?
Well, there's a lot of things.
It might even keep you fromgetting into relationships.
Maybe you never feel likeconnected to someone because you
always feel like an outsider.
It could be that you don't knowhow to be, um, but you're
(12:45):
always second guessing, right,like do they really like me, do
they really want me here?
I'm not that interesting, I'mnot as funny as that person, I'm
not as interesting, I don'tmake enough money.
So if there's a lack ofbelonging, we might be
questioning our own self-worthand that can impact.
(13:08):
Maybe you're in relationshipbut you're constantly thinking
they're gonna leave me, they'regonna break up with me, they're
gonna figure out that I'm themost boring, boring person in
the world.
They're not going to want to bewith me, right?
And so if that happens, if wehave that in our, in our past,
(13:28):
in our, in our history, thenwe're much more likely to
project that onto our partner,right, even our friendships.
We might have a really hardtime making friends because
we're thinking, oh, like they'drather not be here, like they
don't even want me here, right?
So that's something to thinkabout.
If you have an issue with that,it could be that there was an
(13:49):
issue with feeling like a senseof belonging within your family.
The third one sharing activities, doing things we enjoy together
.
That goes really hand in handwith the sense of belonging or
togetherness.
Because if I think to myself,no one really likes what I like,
(14:13):
no one's interested in myinterests right, then maybe we
will isolate ourselves and say,well, I'm only going to hang up
people who like what I like.
I don't want to spend time withpeople who don't like
everything I like.
That may be an issue as well,right?
(14:33):
In reality, it's reallywonderful to be able to spend
time doing things with peopleyou love, even if it's not
something that's your favoritething to do.
But you're just spending timetogether, right, and that's
sometimes really a wonderfulexperience, like my husband and
I, we really, you know how youknow you're getting older is
(14:56):
when you like to watch birds.
Bird watching is like the thingI think once you hit your 30s
and if you haven't reached thatyet, it's probably coming, just
wait.
But we were talking about like,hey, let's go out and watch
some birds and look at you.
Know, it may not be like thenumber one thing that I thought
(15:17):
of doing that day, right, but todo it together and be like, oh,
this is something we can do andshare this activity, right.
That's just one example.
But imagine if, as a child, youtold your parents like, oh, I
really want to play Pokemon.
Like, can we play a game ofPokemon together when you're
(15:38):
young, right?
Or you really wanted yourfamily to watch a movie that you
liked, but they always said no,or no one was really interested
.
What does that teach you aboutyourself?
It teaches you that peoplearen't going to invest in what
you enjoy, that your interestsdon't matter, right?
(16:01):
It communicates that to a youngchild.
So, in the same way, we mightstart to hide our interests.
We might think, well, no oneelse really may want to join me
in this, and so we hide a partof who we are, or we maybe won't
share that with the people welove.
(16:23):
The fourth one is affection.
So that is, you know, aninteresting one.
I think children who don't geta lot of physical affection can
sometimes grow up to be adultsthat really hate physical touch.
Right that they don't like toexperience that because it's not
(16:45):
something they maybe grew upwith, right?
A lot of things that we, ourlove languages, are often
affected by a couple of factors.
One factor is I never got this,so now I hunger for it, like no
one ever told me any words ofaffirmation and that's all I
(17:08):
want to hear or no one everreally spent quality time with
me.
So that's all I want.
I want you to spend time withme.
So that's one way that lovelanguages can appear.
I think a second way they canappear is also if we had too
much of something or too littleof something, and so I think in
(17:30):
that same way, like physicaltouch, if we've never been
touched, then, of course, likeif someone is touching you all
the time, you're going to getoverstimulated, right?
So it's so interesting howaffection as we receive as
children really can impact us inour adulthood and maybe in a
(17:52):
future episode we can talk aboutattachment styles, because I
think this has a lot to do withthat.
The level of security that weget from our parents can impact
how we interact with people inour adult world.
(18:13):
All right, the next one issupport.
Okay, so, of course, if thisgoes well, we feel like we
expect support, Like, oh yeah,people are going to be there to
help me, they're going to helpme get through difficult
situations, but if this is notan area that you received as a
(18:34):
child, then maybe it means youdon't ask for help.
Right, you need something,you're not asking anybody.
You're like I can do it on myown, I don't need anybody's help
, I don't need to bother anyone,I can do it on my own.
And actually I don't think it'salways met with resentment
either.
(18:54):
There is this feeling ofacceptance.
I know it's just this belief ofI know no one's going to help
me and if they do help me, it'snot really going to be what I
actually need.
So yeah, I'm just going to doit myself.
So I think that is what canhappen if we don't receive
(19:15):
support.
The other option is that we arereally upset all the time that
no one is supporting us andwe're alone in the world.
So often I notice if we don'treceive something, it can go one
of two ways.
Either we accept it as real andwe move in the world without
any issue, like I don't needanybody, I'm fine.
(19:36):
Or we move in the world with areally heavy heart, maybe more
of a victim mentality, thatnobody was there for me.
I suffered, and this is why I'mlike this.
I think people often choose oneof these two paths and it's
(19:56):
kind of like what we see withthe support.
It's either yeah, I neverexpect anyone to support me.
Why would they?
I can do it on my own, I don'tneed anyone, or it's yeah,
everybody hates me and thisworld is horrible.
Right, and ultimately that canimpact relationship, right.
(20:17):
When you know, if I don't askfor help and I run myself into
the ground, my partner doesn'tknow what to do.
Like, oh, I don't know how tosupport this person, I don't
know how to help them.
They never tell me how tosupport them.
Right, it could go.
(20:37):
It could look like that.
It could be the other side,where your partner, your spouse,
is trying to support you andyou're not accepting it as real.
Like, oh yeah, you support metoday, but I know you're going
to be gone the next day.
Like, I don't really thinkyou're going to be here in the
long run.
So it's things like that thatcan make even issues from
(21:01):
childhood still show up whenwe're in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s
and beyond.
All right, the next piece isacceptance.
This is a really important one.
I mean, they all are, butacceptance.
I think when we're not acceptedas who we are, that is the
(21:25):
cornerstone of shame.
When I believe, as a child,that who I am is not enough.
That is very difficult to undounless you take a lot of time
and a lot of work to workthrough it.
(21:45):
Right, if I believe that anypart of me is too much or not
enough, that is going to impactthe way I show up at work, the
way I show up in relationships,whether I even try at anything.
Right, if I think I'm not goodenough, am I going to apply for
that job?
Am I going to seek out thatmajor right?
(22:08):
Am I going to even approachthat girl and try and talk to
them?
Probably not.
It affects your confidence toits core and so really important
to work through that right.
That okay.
(22:29):
Maybe maybe my parents or myfamily weren't accepting all of
me, but that doesn't mean thatthey're right.
You know.
That doesn't mean that I'munworthy, but until we can
unlock where that comes from,the feeling of unworthiness and
(22:51):
shame can really impact the waythat we do everything right.
And when I was talking to thosecollege students I mentioned
last episode, I really wanted toemphasize that how you think of
yourself, the way you, how youbelieve in yourself, all those
(23:17):
things they impact the choicesyou make.
Things they impact the choicesyou make.
So when you're in your you know, as you made your choices in
life, you look back and thinkwhy did I try this?
Why didn't I?
Why didn't I take the risk?
Why was I so afraid?
It's often because of the waywe think of ourselves.
If I don't believe in myself,I'm probably not going to take
(23:40):
the risk, I'm probably going tobelieve I can't do it, that it's
not possible, and so Iconvinced myself that actually I
should do this instead, and sothat's something to consider.
So acceptance, such a big dealLike not only is it important to
(24:00):
accept the qualities that arepretty typical, but when you see
in your child this uniquequality that makes them who they
are, so it's so important totreasure that and cultivate that
.
That could also become theirbiggest insecurity, right?
But if we can really teach ourchildren how to love these very
(24:26):
unique qualities, my goodness,where are they going to go?
Right?
They're going to go anywherethey want to.
So just a few more leftCommitment.
So putting that familywell-being as first priority.
If that's not achieved, whatcan happen and we see this right
In families where maybe parentsare putting their career above
(24:49):
their family or theirfriendships, or, worst cases,
you have people who put theiraddiction over their family, so
many things, right, and whenthat happens, when children see
that the family is not priority,they think I'm not priority, I
don't matter, right, and thatshows up in how they do
(25:12):
everything in the world.
They may shrink themselves asadults, may shrink ourselves to
think, to think I don't want totake up room, I don't want to
think that I should be here,that I deserve to be here.
You're going to believe, you'regoing to think I don't deserve
to be here, right, that otherthings are more important than
(25:34):
me.
I shouldn't ask for anything, Ishouldn't expect anything.
So if you see that in yourself,like this immediate belief that
you don't deserve certainthings, that maybe something
else should be prioritized overyou, yeah, maybe there's
something here.
(25:55):
The next one is resilience beingable to adapt, to change.
This is one that I see a lot,especially with my clients.
I see a lot of difficulty withchange and it could be from a
lot of things as children.
If we don't, if we experience alot of change, like maybe our
(26:17):
family moved a lot, maybe weshifted schools a lot those are
just a few examples it couldeven be like if your parents had
a lot of people who stayed withyou, like a lot of people in
and out, family in and out, justa lot of change.
Then it's something that we areas children.
(26:40):
We're like, oh, I never had anyfeeling of stability, right, I
never had a feeling of like thisis my home or this is normal,
because everything was changingright.
And so there's two things, Ithink, that can happen.
On one end, we hate changebecause it reminds us of that
(27:00):
instability in childhood.
We want to see consistency andso anytime there's something
that changes, like the end of asemester, or maybe your boss is
leaving or your partner now hasa what's it called?
When they go up, you know whenthey get a raise or they're
(27:22):
higher tenured position, itcould be that you're having a
new baby or you know, so on andso forth.
Any change feels dangerous,right.
Then, on the other end, youhave people who hate stability
because stability feels abnormal.
Change actually feels normal,and so you're constantly doing
(27:47):
things that force yourself tomove, move, move all the time,
or to never stay in the sameplace more than for like a year.
So you see, these two types ofpeople, when it comes to the
difficulty to adapt, to changeright.
One really leans into itheavily and the other one avoids
(28:10):
it like the plague.
Just two more.
The next is the ability tomanage conflict.
So the languaging I'm going touse for this I did use this for
the last episode is coming fromJohn Gottman.
The Gottman Institute talksabout the four horsemen for
(28:35):
divorce, basically the fourthings that lead couples to
divorce.
The first is criticism.
The second is defensive,becoming defensive.
The third is contempt, contempt, sorry, contempt.
And then the fourth isstonewalling.
(28:55):
So with each of these, it's howyou manage, not only manage
conflict, but also how youcommunicate.
It's how you manage not onlymanage conflict, but also how
you communicate.
So if you're constantlycriticizing your partner, then
you're putting them, you're justberating them, you're pointing
out all of their flaws andinsecurities.
If you are defensive, you havea wall up immediately.
(29:23):
When you hear that criticism,then contempt is really putting
your partner down, and that canbe in the form of cursing at
them, it can be in the form oflying to them, infidelity,
anything that that really has aless less than I'm putting them
down.
That's contempt.
And then you also havestonewalling, which I mentioned
(29:45):
last time as well, which iswhere you completely shut down
and maybe you don't talk forhours, days, weeks, but
stonewalling can be extremelyimpactful.
But these are the four.
If you see them in yourmarriage, then that's extremely
dangerous and very important foryou to seek some form of
(30:08):
therapy, even if you see morethan one, one or two of those.
So don't wait for all four toappear, but once you, if you see
any of them, it's a red flag.
But this is where, if yourfamily showed any of those four
things, there is a highlikelihood that you are going to
display those things as well,because what we, like I
(30:30):
mentioned earlier, what you see,is what you think is normal,
like.
If I see that criticism is howmy parents talk to each other,
then I'm going to think that'show you're supposed to talk to
people, right?
And so I think it's reallyimportant to analyze yourself
and think what am I doing?
(30:51):
Is what I'm doing working?
That's actually the mostimportant thing.
Is what I'm doing leading toresolution?
Is it leading to a peacefulhome?
Is it leading to, you know,good conversation and
togetherness and belonging, oram I contributing to the
(31:15):
dysfunction?
And it's about asking thosequestions Because, honestly, if
we saw things as children, it'sabout asking those questions
because, honestly, if we sawthings as children, there is
such a high likelihood thatwe're going to repeat it as
parents I mean as ourselves,right as adults and so it's so
important to take inventory,like I've been saying.
So how do you manage conflict?
(31:41):
And then the very last one isclear boundaries and
expectations.
So if you're someone that wasable to see that wonderful,
you're probably able to say no,you're able to set limitations,
you're able to not feel guiltywhen you have to do those things
right.
But if you're someone thatnever saw how to set clear
(32:02):
boundaries, how to be clearabout your expectations, then
there's a good likelihood thatyou are having a really hard
time not people pleasing, you'rehaving a hard time saying no,
setting expectations for people.
You're probably having a reallyhard time at work, like taking
(32:31):
on way too much, not lettingyour boss know when it's too
much for you.
You probably are.
I mean, I'll tell you an examplefor me, because this is an area
that I struggle with, isletting, like my husband, know,
hey, I'm doing too much, like Iam exhausted, I can't do anymore
.
And like I mentioned in, Ithink, our first episode for
(32:53):
this season, I'm pregnant andI'm learning how much I now have
to say no.
And it is exhausting for me tosay no all the time and and that
just goes to show I'm not usedto it.
I'm not used to saying no.
I like to be a yes person, Ilike to be helpful, I want right
(33:14):
.
But that's one way of seeing it.
But the other way is I don'tknow how to set boundaries, I
don't know how to.
I'm learning how to let press.
Press leaves my husband's name,how to let him know oh, I
shouldn't, I cannot do this.
I, I need to sit down or youknow whatever my need is.
(33:36):
So it's just so important to beable to do that, because when
I'm not able to do that, I willgrow in resentment.
Right, I will think, well, heshould see that I'm struggling.
Doesn't he know that I'mpregnant?
Like those are the thoughts youwould have when in reality,
it's my job to let him know whatmy limitations are.
(34:01):
I need to be confident to saythat, right, and then we have
peace.
Right, I can sit down and he'llhelp me with whatever I need
help with.
But it's being able to do thatas an adult that maybe I didn't
see when I was younger as much.
But that doesn't mean I can'tdo something about it today, and
that's why I want to give allof you this episode today to say
(34:24):
there is hope.
If you're seeing yourself dothis, these behaviors, if you
see yourself struggling with howyou show up in the world, that
doesn't mean that it's overright.
So I just want to give thathope to you and stay tuned for
our next few episodes as wecontinue on with the subject of
(34:47):
dysfunctional families.
Thank you, bye.
Hello, welcome to part two of the series.
I'm so excited to have you backhere today.
Like I mentioned in the lastpart, this topic, I think, is
extremely important, especiallyin helping us learn from our
past in order to move forward inthe future.
(00:25):
So if you haven't watched partone, I would really encourage
you to go back and listen tothat to kind of get a good basis
for what today's episode is allabout.
So I'll give you a second.
Go on over there.
So I'll give you a second.
(00:46):
Go on over there.
And now you're back.
So, for today's episode, reallywant to lean into not only what
is healthy, but if you did notexperience those healthy factors
of a family, what does thatmean for you today?
How are some of that, how issome of that dysfunction showing
(01:10):
up in your life today?
So the first piece is as you'relistening today, I want you to
think of three factors.
One, how are you inrelationship to yourself?
How are you in relationship toothers, like to friends, family,
(01:34):
platonic relationships.
And then how are you in yourromantic relationships, like
with your boyfriend, girlfriendrelationships, like with your
boyfriend, girlfriend, husband,wife, you know, how are you in
those relationships?
So think of it in those threeareas, because what we might see
is how our childhood wounds areimpacting our present day, how
(02:00):
we interact with people, how wetalk with people, how we talk to
ourselves.
Right, it's really telling.
For instance, if you listenedto the last episode and thought,
honestly, it was fine, I didn'tget a lot of hugs, I didn't get
everything I wanted, but youknow, you just move on Like if
that was your reaction, that'sokay.
(02:22):
But I think it's reallyimportant in this episode for
you to think is there anythingin my behavior, anything in my
thinking, anything in how Iprocess emotions that is telling
me that there might be somethings I need to work on,
because if we don't takeinventory of ourselves, we're
(02:44):
just going to keep making thesame mistakes.
One really interesting thingthat I've heard is people, for
instance, who get remarried,with multiple marriages.
They end up seeing the sameissues in each marriage, right?
They are ending in divorce,they're marrying new people, and
yet they're still seeing thesame issues over and over again.
(03:08):
Why is that?
It's because there's no realchange of themselves, right?
It's the same thing when wetell ourselves oh, once I get to
college, this is going to bedifferent, once I move to this
new city, my life is going to bedifferent, right, we have this
idea of kind of like locationfallacy is the term where once I
(03:32):
get to that place, once I reachmy 30s, once I right, it's not
always location, but it might bea milestone, it might be.
Once this happens, my wholelife is going to be different,
right, because we mistakenlythink these external factors are
what's impacting us, when inreality it's us.
(03:53):
Right, I'm the thing that'sactually impacting my life.
Right, who knew?
But that's the question, right.
Like, but that's the question,right, like.
I need to take inventory ofmyself, my choices, my beliefs,
and if I don't do that, I'mreally doomed to repeat the same
(04:13):
thing over and over and overagain and have absolutely no
like, no recollection, no ideaof why, and we end up blaming
all these other factors, otherpeople, our situation.
The reality is it's us like.
What can we do to change?
(04:34):
And until we're ready to really?
Yes, those things matter.
And you know, of course I thinksystemically there's all sorts
of things that can get in ourway.
But at the same time, if wedon't take inventory of
ourselves, we will justperpetuate a lot of the same
issues, right.
(04:55):
So let's look.
So I gave last time.
I gave you 10 factors of ahealthy relation, a healthy
family.
Okay, 10 factors.
So today I want to take thosesame 10 factors and ask us okay,
if that wasn't achieved the wayit should have, how does that
(05:18):
impact the way I show up in theworld?
Okay, so the first factor wascommunication.
So if that goes well, if myfamily shows me proper
communication, then I'm probablygoing to have a much easier
time being open, honest.
(05:39):
I'm going to be okay withstating what I need, being
direct about my needs.
Right, as I'm talking, I'mthinking about more things.
So, like, one thing to considerwith why our family impacts us
is actually our family is thereto model and teach us how to do
(06:01):
all these things right.
If my family, my parents, don'tknow how or aren't there to
teach me how to do all thesethings right, if my family, my
parents, don't know how oraren't there to teach me how to
communicate, then I'm not goingto know how to communicate right
.
It's like if your parents don'tteach you how to brush your
teeth, or they don't teach youhow to drive a car, or you know
so on and so forth, you're notgoing to know.
(06:24):
It's not something you're justborn knowing.
These are things someone has toteach you.
And, in the same way, when welook at how to be a person, how
to live in the world, no one canteach you that besides your
family.
Right, and eventually we haveto go outside of our family to
learn these things.
(06:44):
Right, and eventually we haveto go outside of our family to
learn these things.
But in actuality, we have tofirst unlearn what our family
taught us, because no matterwhat your family is teaching you
something, it's teaching youhow to be.
And then eventually, as we getolder, we might realize oh,
that's actually not very helpful, that was not very helpful for
(07:07):
me to learn that.
And so in our older age, wehave to unlearn behavior.
Hopefully, we can unlearn thisbehavior and then eventually
learn some new habits or newways of thinking.
So that's something to consider, all of these things.
Why the impact is so, personally, is because we're taught.
(07:31):
We're taught how to communicate, we're taught how to be with
people, we are taught how to beresilient, how to commit, how to
have boundaries by observingour family, observing our
parents, and that's why we haveto recognize some of these
unhealthy habits, because wemight not even realize they're
(07:53):
unhealthy.
We may not even realize thatthese are things that not
everyone does or that are makingour lives more complicated.
So, if you don't know, oh, I'mdoing this thing, all my
relationships are failing, allmy friendships are failing.
It must be them because I'mfine.
(08:14):
Right, if we have that thinking, oh, it must be them, it's not
me, then we're not actually ableto make any changes.
Then we're not actually able tomake any changes.
But once we can recognize, okay, how did I play a role in this?
Then we can actually see somechange.
Right, if we only look at ourpartner, for instance, we only
(08:36):
look at our spouse and say, oh,if they would just change, my
life would just be perfect.
You've already lost Becausethere is no partner that is so
far gone, where they're thecomplete reason why any
relationship fails.
We all have a role in some formor fashion that is contributing
(08:58):
to the dynamic right, and so weneed to be able to step back.
So I'm going on so manytangents, but I think these
pieces are so important as wediscuss how these 10 factors are
impacting you.
So we talked about communication.
If it goes well, I can be open.
(09:19):
I can be honest, I can say whatI want to say and not feel any
kind of hesitation.
Right, or at least maybe verylittle hesitation.
But if communication isn'treally taught or isn't really
healthy, communication isn'tupheld, then we'll communicate
(09:43):
in a lot of ways that aren'thelpful.
Isn't upheld, then we'llcommunicate in a lot of ways
that aren't helpful.
We might think my partner shouldjust know that I didn't like
that.
I should be able.
My partner should just knowwhat I need and they should be
able to read my mind and I'msaying it a little sarcastically
, but that's what I really hearclients say is my partner should
(10:09):
know these things.
They should see that I'm reallycold and that they need to
lower the temperature.
Don't they see that I'mshivering?
Don't they know I just camefrom a long day of work and that
I should have some food infront of me?
(10:31):
There's so much desire for mypartner just to assume my needs.
Right, and the reality is yourpartner, that's not their job to
read your mind If you haven'tasked for these things, if you
haven't stated I need this, andthat you cannot expect your
partner to read your mind, andso that's something that we may
(10:53):
have learned in our families.
Right, I may have learned myparents really valued implicit
expectations.
They may really value that Ishould read their mind, and if I
don't read their mind, I'mgoing to get in a lot of trouble
.
So therefore, everyone musthave this ability.
(11:15):
The reality is that's notsomething that's fair to put on
anyone.
So if you have a need, it's soimportant to voice it right.
And if you voice your need andyour partner still isn't meeting
that need, that is a completelydifferent issue.
But really asking yourself, howdo I communicate if my needs
(11:38):
aren't being met?
If we're arguing all the time,if I feel unheard, is there
anything I am doing that'scontributing to not being heard?
Is there anything I'm doingthat's impeding our ability to
communicate?
Well, so that's somethingreally important to think about.
(11:59):
The other piece, the secondfactor, was togetherness, and
that is really having a sense ofbelonging, a sense of family,
right, like we are one.
If that's not there, often,like I mentioned last time, you
(12:19):
can feel like an outsider.
I don't really belong here.
How, if that happens, how canthat impact you in the present
day?
Well, there's a lot of things.
It might even keep you fromgetting into relationships.
Maybe you never feel likeconnected to someone because you
always feel like an outsider.
It could be that you don't knowhow to be, um, but you're
(12:45):
always second guessing, right,like do they really like me, do
they really want me here?
I'm not that interesting, I'mnot as funny as that person, I'm
not as interesting, I don'tmake enough money.
So if there's a lack ofbelonging, we might be
questioning our own self-worthand that can impact.
(13:08):
Maybe you're in relationshipbut you're constantly thinking
they're gonna leave me, they'regonna break up with me, they're
gonna figure out that I'm themost boring, boring person in
the world.
They're not going to want to bewith me, right?
And so if that happens, if wehave that in our, in our past,
(13:28):
in our, in our history, thenwe're much more likely to
project that onto our partner,right, even our friendships.
We might have a really hardtime making friends because
we're thinking, oh, like they'drather not be here, like they
don't even want me here, right?
So that's something to thinkabout.
If you have an issue with that,it could be that there was an
(13:49):
issue with feeling like a senseof belonging within your family.
The third one sharing activities, doing things we enjoy together
.
That goes really hand in handwith the sense of belonging or
togetherness.
Because if I think to myself,no one really likes what I like,
(14:13):
no one's interested in myinterests right, then maybe we
will isolate ourselves and say,well, I'm only going to hang up
people who like what I like.
I don't want to spend time withpeople who don't like
everything I like.
That may be an issue as well,right?
(14:33):
In reality, it's reallywonderful to be able to spend
time doing things with peopleyou love, even if it's not
something that's your favoritething to do.
But you're just spending timetogether, right, and that's
sometimes really a wonderfulexperience, like my husband and
I, we really, you know how youknow you're getting older is
(14:56):
when you like to watch birds.
Bird watching is like the thingI think once you hit your 30s
and if you haven't reached thatyet, it's probably coming, just
wait.
But we were talking about like,hey, let's go out and watch
some birds and look at you.
Know, it may not be like thenumber one thing that I thought
(15:17):
of doing that day, right, but todo it together and be like, oh,
this is something we can do andshare this activity, right.
That's just one example.
But imagine if, as a child, youtold your parents like, oh, I
really want to play Pokemon.
Like, can we play a game ofPokemon together when you're
(15:38):
young, right?
Or you really wanted yourfamily to watch a movie that you
liked, but they always said no,or no one was really interested
.
What does that teach you aboutyourself?
It teaches you that peoplearen't going to invest in what
you enjoy, that your interestsdon't matter, right?
(16:01):
It communicates that to a youngchild.
So, in the same way, we mightstart to hide our interests.
We might think, well, no oneelse really may want to join me
in this, and so we hide a partof who we are, or we maybe won't
share that with the people welove.
(16:23):
The fourth one is affection.
So that is, you know, aninteresting one.
I think children who don't geta lot of physical affection can
sometimes grow up to be adultsthat really hate physical touch.
Right that they don't like toexperience that because it's not
(16:45):
something they maybe grew upwith, right?
A lot of things that we, ourlove languages, are often
affected by a couple of factors.
One factor is I never got this,so now I hunger for it, like no
one ever told me any words ofaffirmation and that's all I
(17:08):
want to hear or no one everreally spent quality time with
me.
So that's all I want.
I want you to spend time withme.
So that's one way that lovelanguages can appear.
I think a second way they canappear is also if we had too
much of something or too littleof something, and so I think in
(17:30):
that same way, like physicaltouch, if we've never been
touched, then, of course, likeif someone is touching you all
the time, you're going to getoverstimulated, right?
So it's so interesting howaffection as we receive as
children really can impact us inour adulthood and maybe in a
(17:52):
future episode we can talk aboutattachment styles, because I
think this has a lot to do withthat.
The level of security that weget from our parents can impact
how we interact with people inour adult world.
(18:13):
All right, the next one issupport.
Okay, so, of course, if thisgoes well, we feel like we
expect support, Like, oh yeah,people are going to be there to
help me, they're going to helpme get through difficult
situations, but if this is notan area that you received as a
(18:34):
child, then maybe it means youdon't ask for help.
Right, you need something,you're not asking anybody.
You're like I can do it on myown, I don't need anybody's help
, I don't need to bother anyone,I can do it on my own.
And actually I don't think it'salways met with resentment
either.
(18:54):
There is this feeling ofacceptance.
I know it's just this belief ofI know no one's going to help
me and if they do help me, it'snot really going to be what I
actually need.
So yeah, I'm just going to doit myself.
So I think that is what canhappen if we don't receive
(19:15):
support.
The other option is that we arereally upset all the time that
no one is supporting us andwe're alone in the world.
So often I notice if we don'treceive something, it can go one
of two ways.
Either we accept it as real andwe move in the world without
any issue, like I don't needanybody, I'm fine.
(19:36):
Or we move in the world with areally heavy heart, maybe more
of a victim mentality, thatnobody was there for me.
I suffered, and this is why I'mlike this.
I think people often choose oneof these two paths and it's
(19:56):
kind of like what we see withthe support.
It's either yeah, I neverexpect anyone to support me.
Why would they?
I can do it on my own, I don'tneed anyone, or it's yeah,
everybody hates me and thisworld is horrible.
Right, and ultimately that canimpact relationship, right.
(20:17):
When you know, if I don't askfor help and I run myself into
the ground, my partner doesn'tknow what to do.
Like, oh, I don't know how tosupport this person, I don't
know how to help them.
They never tell me how tosupport them.
Right, it could go.
(20:37):
It could look like that.
It could be the other side,where your partner, your spouse,
is trying to support you andyou're not accepting it as real.
Like, oh yeah, you support metoday, but I know you're going
to be gone the next day.
Like, I don't really thinkyou're going to be here in the
long run.
So it's things like that thatcan make even issues from
(21:01):
childhood still show up whenwe're in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s
and beyond.
All right, the next piece isacceptance.
This is a really important one.
I mean, they all are, butacceptance.
I think when we're not acceptedas who we are, that is the
(21:25):
cornerstone of shame.
When I believe, as a child,that who I am is not enough.
That is very difficult to undounless you take a lot of time
and a lot of work to workthrough it.
(21:45):
Right, if I believe that anypart of me is too much or not
enough, that is going to impactthe way I show up at work, the
way I show up in relationships,whether I even try at anything.
Right, if I think I'm not goodenough, am I going to apply for
that job?
Am I going to seek out thatmajor right?
(22:08):
Am I going to even approachthat girl and try and talk to
them?
Probably not.
It affects your confidence toits core and so really important
to work through that right.
That okay.
(22:29):
Maybe maybe my parents or myfamily weren't accepting all of
me, but that doesn't mean thatthey're right.
You know.
That doesn't mean that I'munworthy, but until we can
unlock where that comes from,the feeling of unworthiness and
(22:51):
shame can really impact the waythat we do everything right.
And when I was talking to thosecollege students I mentioned
last episode, I really wanted toemphasize that how you think of
yourself, the way you, how youbelieve in yourself, all those
(23:17):
things they impact the choicesyou make.
Things they impact the choicesyou make.
So when you're in your you know, as you made your choices in
life, you look back and thinkwhy did I try this?
Why didn't I?
Why didn't I take the risk?
Why was I so afraid?
It's often because of the waywe think of ourselves.
If I don't believe in myself,I'm probably not going to take
(23:40):
the risk, I'm probably going tobelieve I can't do it, that it's
not possible, and so Iconvinced myself that actually I
should do this instead, and sothat's something to consider.
So acceptance, such a big dealLike not only is it important to
(24:00):
accept the qualities that arepretty typical, but when you see
in your child this uniquequality that makes them who they
are, so it's so important totreasure that and cultivate that
.
That could also become theirbiggest insecurity, right?
But if we can really teach ourchildren how to love these very
(24:26):
unique qualities, my goodness,where are they going to go?
Right?
They're going to go anywherethey want to.
So just a few more leftCommitment.
So putting that familywell-being as first priority.
If that's not achieved, whatcan happen and we see this right
In families where maybe parentsare putting their career above
(24:49):
their family or theirfriendships, or, worst cases,
you have people who put theiraddiction over their family, so
many things, right, and whenthat happens, when children see
that the family is not priority,they think I'm not priority, I
don't matter, right, and thatshows up in how they do
(25:12):
everything in the world.
They may shrink themselves asadults, may shrink ourselves to
think, to think I don't want totake up room, I don't want to
think that I should be here,that I deserve to be here.
You're going to believe, you'regoing to think I don't deserve
to be here, right, that otherthings are more important than
(25:34):
me.
I shouldn't ask for anything, Ishouldn't expect anything.
So if you see that in yourself,like this immediate belief that
you don't deserve certainthings, that maybe something
else should be prioritized overyou, yeah, maybe there's
something here.
(25:55):
The next one is resilience beingable to adapt, to change.
This is one that I see a lot,especially with my clients.
I see a lot of difficulty withchange and it could be from a
lot of things as children.
If we don't, if we experience alot of change, like maybe our
(26:17):
family moved a lot, maybe weshifted schools a lot those are
just a few examples it couldeven be like if your parents had
a lot of people who stayed withyou, like a lot of people in
and out, family in and out, justa lot of change.
Then it's something that we areas children.
(26:40):
We're like, oh, I never had anyfeeling of stability, right, I
never had a feeling of like thisis my home or this is normal,
because everything was changingright.
And so there's two things, Ithink, that can happen.
On one end, we hate changebecause it reminds us of that
(27:00):
instability in childhood.
We want to see consistency andso anytime there's something
that changes, like the end of asemester, or maybe your boss is
leaving or your partner now hasa what's it called?
When they go up, you know whenthey get a raise or they're
(27:22):
higher tenured position, itcould be that you're having a
new baby or you know, so on andso forth.
Any change feels dangerous,right.
Then, on the other end, youhave people who hate stability
because stability feels abnormal.
Change actually feels normal,and so you're constantly doing
(27:47):
things that force yourself tomove, move, move all the time,
or to never stay in the sameplace more than for like a year.
So you see, these two types ofpeople, when it comes to the
difficulty to adapt, to changeright.
One really leans into itheavily and the other one avoids
(28:10):
it like the plague.
Just two more.
The next is the ability tomanage conflict.
So the languaging I'm going touse for this I did use this for
the last episode is coming fromJohn Gottman.
The Gottman Institute talksabout the four horsemen for
(28:35):
divorce, basically the fourthings that lead couples to
divorce.
The first is criticism.
The second is defensive,becoming defensive.
The third is contempt, contempt, sorry, contempt.
And then the fourth isstonewalling.
(28:55):
So with each of these, it's howyou manage, not only manage
conflict, but also how youcommunicate.
It's how you manage not onlymanage conflict, but also how
you communicate.
So if you're constantlycriticizing your partner, then
you're putting them, you're justberating them, you're pointing
out all of their flaws andinsecurities.
If you are defensive, you havea wall up immediately.
(29:23):
When you hear that criticism,then contempt is really putting
your partner down, and that canbe in the form of cursing at
them, it can be in the form oflying to them, infidelity,
anything that that really has aless less than I'm putting them
down.
That's contempt.
And then you also havestonewalling, which I mentioned
(29:45):
last time as well, which iswhere you completely shut down
and maybe you don't talk forhours, days, weeks, but
stonewalling can be extremelyimpactful.
But these are the four.
If you see them in yourmarriage, then that's extremely
dangerous and very important foryou to seek some form of
(30:08):
therapy, even if you see morethan one, one or two of those.
So don't wait for all four toappear, but once you, if you see
any of them, it's a red flag.
But this is where, if yourfamily showed any of those four
things, there is a highlikelihood that you are going to
display those things as well,because what we, like I
(30:30):
mentioned earlier, what you see,is what you think is normal,
like.
If I see that criticism is howmy parents talk to each other,
then I'm going to think that'show you're supposed to talk to
people, right?
And so I think it's reallyimportant to analyze yourself
and think what am I doing?
(30:51):
Is what I'm doing working?
That's actually the mostimportant thing.
Is what I'm doing leading toresolution?
Is it leading to a peacefulhome?
Is it leading to, you know,good conversation and
togetherness and belonging, oram I contributing to the
(31:15):
dysfunction?
And it's about asking thosequestions Because, honestly, if
we saw things as children, it'sabout asking those questions
because, honestly, if we sawthings as children, there is
such a high likelihood thatwe're going to repeat it as
parents I mean as ourselves,right as adults and so it's so
important to take inventory,like I've been saying.
So how do you manage conflict?
(31:41):
And then the very last one isclear boundaries and
expectations.
So if you're someone that wasable to see that wonderful,
you're probably able to say no,you're able to set limitations,
you're able to not feel guiltywhen you have to do those things
right.
But if you're someone thatnever saw how to set clear
(32:02):
boundaries, how to be clearabout your expectations, then
there's a good likelihood thatyou are having a really hard
time not people pleasing, you'rehaving a hard time saying no,
setting expectations for people.
You're probably having a reallyhard time at work, like taking
(32:31):
on way too much, not lettingyour boss know when it's too
much for you.
You probably are.
I mean, I'll tell you an examplefor me, because this is an area
that I struggle with, isletting, like my husband, know,
hey, I'm doing too much, like Iam exhausted, I can't do anymore
.
And like I mentioned in, Ithink, our first episode for
(32:53):
this season, I'm pregnant andI'm learning how much I now have
to say no.
And it is exhausting for me tosay no all the time and and that
just goes to show I'm not usedto it.
I'm not used to saying no.
I like to be a yes person, Ilike to be helpful, I want right
(33:14):
.
But that's one way of seeing it.
But the other way is I don'tknow how to set boundaries, I
don't know how to.
I'm learning how to let press.
Press leaves my husband's name,how to let him know oh, I
shouldn't, I cannot do this.
I, I need to sit down or youknow whatever my need is.
(33:36):
So it's just so important to beable to do that, because when
I'm not able to do that, I willgrow in resentment.
Right, I will think, well, heshould see that I'm struggling.
Doesn't he know that I'mpregnant?
Like those are the thoughts youwould have when in reality,
it's my job to let him know whatmy limitations are.
(34:01):
I need to be confident to saythat, right, and then we have
peace.
Right, I can sit down and he'llhelp me with whatever I need
help with.
But it's being able to do thatas an adult that maybe I didn't
see when I was younger as much.
But that doesn't mean I can'tdo something about it today, and
that's why I want to give allof you this episode today to say
(34:24):
there is hope.
If you're seeing yourself dothis, these behaviors, if you
see yourself struggling with howyou show up in the world, that
doesn't mean that it's overright.
So I just want to give thathope to you and stay tuned for
our next few episodes as wecontinue on with the subject of
(34:47):
dysfunctional families.
Thank you, bye.
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