July 13, 2024 • 19 mins
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Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a cycle of giving endlessly but receiving so little in return? Lisa Jeffs tackles this pressing issue in this episode of the Confident, Connected Leader Podcast. Drawing from personal experiences and societal observations, Lisa discusses the deep-rooted societal programming that often teaches women to settle for the bare minimum. She explores how this mindset infiltrates our relationships—be it romantic, familial, or professional—and why breaking free from feelings of guilt and shame when asking for more is essential for your well-being and success.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you've ever thought to yourself why do I
feel like I'm giving so so muchand not getting much in return?
This one is for you.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader
Podcast, your premierdestination for breaking through
your current professionalbarriers.
Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend
limitations and achieve newlevels of professional success
beyond self-doubt, sabotage andburnout.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Welcome to the show leaders.
Today we are talking aboutsomething a little different
than usual, but so so importantto remember.
If you have not got yourjournal yet, this is called the
Journal for the Woman who Givesa Lot.
(01:00):
This podcast episode is goingto be based on a big premise of
that journal, and when I say youknow the woman who gives a lot,
if you're a man, you can verywell resonate with the same
message.
However, this does occur oftenwith women.
(01:22):
So the woman who gives a lotbut either doesn't ask for much
in return or feels guilty askingfor what she truly wants, or
when she does ask for what shewants, she has shame around it
(01:43):
and maybe she doesn't evenexpect to get it.
Perhaps she has learned how toask for very little and gain
something from that.
So what prompted this episodewas a video that I saw, and it
was one of those opinion videos.
(02:03):
So someone does an opinion andthey show a clip of another
video.
The clip that they were showingwas of a woman explaining that
she doesn't ask for very muchwhen she goes out on dates, or
she doesn't ask for very much inher partnership, and I thought
the opinion was going to be,because I know the person who
(02:25):
was doing the opinion piece andI was expecting it to be along
the lines of it's okay to askfor what you want.
It's okay to ask more than thebare minimum, but it wasn't.
It was a message stating howwonderful this is and how
(02:46):
refreshing it is that this womandoesn't expect much.
Isn't asking for much is reallyokay with the bare minimum.
Why do I have such a problemwith this?
Well, for years, I was learningthrough my relationships that
(03:11):
not asking for much and beingthe woman who would give a lot
Basically, what happened in amultitude of my relationships
were men who would say howwonderful I was right, what a
great girlfriend I was.
(03:32):
I never asked for much.
I was always there when theyneeded me.
I'd always do all these things.
I was so wonderful.
However, when push came toshove and I needed something, so
I needed them to sacrificesomething for me nothing, not a
(03:55):
yes at all.
And in fact, in a multitude ofthose relationships, it ended
after that Because, as much as Iwas in somewhat of a sleepwalk
not asking for much when I sawthat, it was a wake up call,
that this person wasn't actuallygoing to be someone I could
(04:18):
have a real relationship with.
So, anyways, it took me a longtime to get to a place where I
felt I feel comfortable askingfor what I want, being direct
about it and being okay with it,and realizing that if I don't
(04:42):
actually ask for what I want,I'm probably not going to get it
.
And this isn't just in, you know.
I'm not referring to justsimply relationships, although
you'll see these patterns reallyeasily in relationships.
You'll see it within romanticrelationships very clearly.
(05:02):
You'll see it also withinfamily relationships, but I'm
talking about everything.
So, asking for what you wantwhether you're asking the
universe for what you want, youknow I can't tell you how many
times I've worked with someoneand we had to break through this
(05:26):
pattern so they could startasking for what they truly
wanted.
And the universe doesn'tfreaking care if you're asking
10,000, 100,000, 100 million.
There's no.
(05:48):
Oh, you should be humble.
You should be really humble andnot ask for much.
The universe, when we break itdown, this is energy.
Okay, it's not grading you.
Of course we have programmingin our society that says don't
ask for much or be happy withwhat you have and while that is
(06:10):
true, right, of course, begrateful for what you have.
Absolutely.
That is a foundation foreverything, and it's not about
just asking for a whole bunch ofstuff, like you're a vacuum
cleaner and you're just suckingall these things in to try to
fill a void.
That's not the point either.
The point is ask for what youdesire and know that it's okay,
(06:38):
whether you are someone whogenuinely doesn't need much
Because I do believe that thereare people in this world that
they've gotten to a place wherereally they're cool with very
little, and there's otherindividuals who want a lot of
(06:59):
different things, whether it'sin their relationships.
You know one of the things Itell a lot of my clients who are
very purpose-driven.
So I work with individuals whoare purpose-driven.
They're heart-centered, theyhave a mission, they want to
help the world, they want tohelp other people, and these are
(07:22):
the people where I say andcoach them that being humble is
great.
If you're someone who leans onperhaps the more arrogant side
and doesn't think about otherpeople's needs or wants and
(07:43):
again, arrogance is a good wordfor this then, yes, learning to
be humble can be very beneficial.
But if you're someone who a lotof the clients that I work with
are purpose-driven, they'rehere to help the world.
Often they don't realize justhow incredible and amazing they
are.
They downplay their gifts andabilities and they don't ask for
(08:08):
what they want.
And it's this group of peoplethat needs to learn how to shoot
from the rooftop, how amazingthey are, and to ask for certain
things and ask for money,because the money in your hands,
a person's hands, that is goingto help the world.
(08:30):
That's what we want.
That's where we want the moneyto be.
Imagine how much you can do.
And it's not just about again,it's not just about giving and
giving and giving right.
We also want to think abouthonoring ourself.
But you know, I have huge goalsand part of those goals do
(08:51):
include contributing to theworld.
It's very hard to contribute ina big way if you're broke, okay,
so ask for what you want and beokay with it.
Learn to be okay with it.
Learn to be okay with lettingpeople go that have absolutely
(09:16):
no desire to truly show up andgive you what you need.
Allow yourself to let that go,because in my circumstances, in
my relationships, when I canthink back and it's interesting,
because your relationships willshow you a side of you that
(09:39):
needs the most healing.
It shows you because in thesecircumstances I was very
confident and I was veryassertive in many different
areas, but for some reason, whenit came to these relationships,
I just stopped asking for whatI wanted and I just kind of went
along and gave and gave andgave and wasn't open to receive,
(10:03):
which is why I had attractedthese partnerships, because I
wasn't even in a place where Iwas open to receive from a
partner.
So I attracted partners whoweren't giving, who weren't
(10:28):
giving, and the journal 30 Daysof Self-Love and Learning how to
Receive, the journal for thewoman who gives a lot this is my
latest journal.
This takes you through a processto start opening up to receive,
to start prioritizing you andyour needs and understanding
that if you don't ask for whatyou want, you're probably not
(10:49):
going to get it.
And while you know I gaveexamples of my relationships
where these individuals you know, once I asked, they basically
were a closed book there areother people who would love to
give you what you want, wouldlove to provide you and shower
(11:09):
you with all these wonderfulthings, but if they don't know,
how are they going to do itright?
Yes, some people are veryhighly intuitive and very you
know they have emotionalintelligence through the roof
and they can kind of read yourmind to some extent.
(11:30):
They can really feel into whatyou need, what you want.
There are far more people whocannot do this.
So please, please, please,especially if you're in a
wonderful, healthy, lovingrelationship ask for what you
want, because many people loveto give as much as they can
(11:55):
receive, as much as they lovereceiving.
There are many people that dohave a healthy relationship with
giving and receiving and wouldbe happy to meet you, where
you're at, with that, with yourdesires.
So I'm going to wrap this upbecause I didn't want this to be
a long episode.
I was just triggered nottrigger triggered to speak up
(12:18):
because it was disappointing tosee that video, because I know
there's going to be many peoplewho watch that video of that
woman and see all the commentssaying, wow, this woman's great
she.
You know she's not asking foranything, she doesn't expect
anything, she's just, she's justthere.
You know these are the ones wehave to keep, you know, safe or
(12:43):
whatever.
And I fell into for so longuntil I realized, holy shit, I'm
not going to get.
This is not the way to get whatyou are desiring.
It's okay to be someone who hashigh standards and who is.
(13:05):
I tell everybody I am very highmaintenance.
This is one reason I never gocamping.
No, I am not.
You're not going to find mecamping In this lifetime, in
this identity that I currentlyhave.
I am very high maintenance.
There's a lot of stuff that Ineed.
I do my monthly prep.
(13:31):
I have certain things that I doin the morning.
I have a very extensive morningroutine.
I have very extensive eveningroutine, morning routine.
I have very extensive eveningroutine.
I have a very extensiveskincare routine, hair routine,
like I am not a low maintenancegirl and that's not to say that
(13:52):
that's somehow better thansomeone who doesn't have any
routine.
It's honoring yourself for whoyou are.
It's honoring yourself for whoyou are.
That's what this is about Honoryourself and be real with
yourself.
Because when I started askingfor what I wanted, especially to
(14:14):
the universe, I really startedputting out this is what I want,
financial wise, these are theclients I want to work with.
I started feeling like I wasworthy of asking for what I
(14:34):
wanted.
Everything started to come intomy life at a whole new level.
Not only did I start asking forwhat I wanted, but I started
showing up as that version ofmyself, who it was a given that
(14:56):
that is what the version of mewas going to receive.
It will change the way you showup.
It will change the way you seeyourself.
It will change what you knowyou are worthy and deserving of,
and that is the key.
That is really the key to allthis, because that is what
(15:18):
shifts the level of self-lovethat you have for yourself.
When you no longer tolerate thebare minimum, or even the mid
minimum, and you start owningthe fact that you're freaking
amazing and that you give so somuch and you deserve to receive
(15:47):
the same.
You deserve to receive the same.
Okay, if you want to go deeperon this, you have two different
ways to do that.
One is you can grab the journal30 day journal for the woman
who gives a lot.
(16:08):
It is on all the Amazons.
I believe it should be.
And if it's not on your Amazon,if you're in the country and
you're like I don't see it, ifyou search Lisa Jeff's 30 day
journal for the woman who givesa lot and you don't see it, send
me an email and I will see whatI can do about that.
If you are in Canada, which Iknow a lot of my listeners are,
(16:42):
you can definitely search theCanadian Amazon site and you
will see it pop up.
If you really want to go deeperand catapult your results, then
book a breakthrough call becausewe will get very clear what is
the part of you that needshealing, what is the part of you
that needs work to be able toembrace, asking for what you
(17:07):
desire and be fully open toreceiving it and more.
Because the really cool, funthing about this is when you
start doing this work and youstart being very clear what you
(17:28):
are willing to tolerate and whatyou are no longer willing to
tolerate or deal with or put upwith.
You will be surprised anddelighted with what or who comes
into your life.
When I got really clear thetype of clients I want to work
(17:51):
with and I mean I've had reallygood clients from day one, but I
got really really clear youknow the level of just the level
of integrity of the peoplecoming to me.
The universe matched that andexpanded it to where you know.
(18:14):
I think I have the best businessin the world.
I get to work with the mostincredible people on the planet.
The best business in the world.
I get to work with the mostincredible people on the planet.
It's fantastic.
It's better than my wildestdreams.
Never, you know, 10 years, 11years ago almost could I ever
(18:36):
imagine that I would be workingwith the people I am today.
Not in a jillion years would I.
If you had told me back then,would I be able to see it,
because back then, not longbefore then, was one of these
relationships that I'm talkingabout.
So I was still in that statewhere I wasn't receiving because
I didn't feel fully worthyenough.
(18:56):
Okay, I'm going to wrap it up.
I honor you, I love you.
Thank you for sticking around.
As always, let's stay connected.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Thank you for tuning into the Confident, Connected
Leader podcast.
Lisa Jeffs is committed tohelping you break through
barriers and climb to newprofessional heights.
If today's episode inspired you, we'd be honored if you could
subscribe, rate and leave areview To stay updated with
practical tips and insights,follow us on LinkedIn, Instagram
(19:29):
or Facebook.
You'll find all relevant links,including those for our
complimentary gifts andtrainings, in the show notes.
Until our next episode, embraceyour confidence and stay
connected.
If you've ever thought to yourself why do I
feel like I'm giving so so muchand not getting much in return?
This one is for you.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader
Podcast, your premierdestination for breaking through
your current professionalbarriers.
Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend
limitations and achieve newlevels of professional success
beyond self-doubt, sabotage andburnout.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Welcome to the show leaders.
Today we are talking aboutsomething a little different
than usual, but so so importantto remember.
If you have not got yourjournal yet, this is called the
Journal for the Woman who Givesa Lot.
(01:00):
This podcast episode is goingto be based on a big premise of
that journal, and when I say youknow the woman who gives a lot,
if you're a man, you can verywell resonate with the same
message.
However, this does occur oftenwith women.
(01:22):
So the woman who gives a lotbut either doesn't ask for much
in return or feels guilty askingfor what she truly wants, or
when she does ask for what shewants, she has shame around it
(01:43):
and maybe she doesn't evenexpect to get it.
Perhaps she has learned how toask for very little and gain
something from that.
So what prompted this episodewas a video that I saw, and it
was one of those opinion videos.
(02:03):
So someone does an opinion andthey show a clip of another
video.
The clip that they were showingwas of a woman explaining that
she doesn't ask for very muchwhen she goes out on dates, or
she doesn't ask for very much inher partnership, and I thought
the opinion was going to be,because I know the person who
(02:25):
was doing the opinion piece andI was expecting it to be along
the lines of it's okay to askfor what you want.
It's okay to ask more than thebare minimum, but it wasn't.
It was a message stating howwonderful this is and how
(02:46):
refreshing it is that this womandoesn't expect much.
Isn't asking for much is reallyokay with the bare minimum.
Why do I have such a problemwith this?
Well, for years, I was learningthrough my relationships that
(03:11):
not asking for much and beingthe woman who would give a lot
Basically, what happened in amultitude of my relationships
were men who would say howwonderful I was right, what a
great girlfriend I was.
(03:32):
I never asked for much.
I was always there when theyneeded me.
I'd always do all these things.
I was so wonderful.
However, when push came toshove and I needed something, so
I needed them to sacrificesomething for me nothing, not a
(03:55):
yes at all.
And in fact, in a multitude ofthose relationships, it ended
after that Because, as much as Iwas in somewhat of a sleepwalk
not asking for much when I sawthat, it was a wake up call,
that this person wasn't actuallygoing to be someone I could
(04:18):
have a real relationship with.
So, anyways, it took me a longtime to get to a place where I
felt I feel comfortable askingfor what I want, being direct
about it and being okay with it,and realizing that if I don't
(04:42):
actually ask for what I want,I'm probably not going to get it
.
And this isn't just in, you know.
I'm not referring to justsimply relationships, although
you'll see these patterns reallyeasily in relationships.
You'll see it within romanticrelationships very clearly.
(05:02):
You'll see it also withinfamily relationships, but I'm
talking about everything.
So, asking for what you wantwhether you're asking the
universe for what you want, youknow I can't tell you how many
times I've worked with someoneand we had to break through this
(05:26):
pattern so they could startasking for what they truly
wanted.
And the universe doesn'tfreaking care if you're asking
10,000, 100,000, 100 million.
There's no.
(05:48):
Oh, you should be humble.
You should be really humble andnot ask for much.
The universe, when we break itdown, this is energy.
Okay, it's not grading you.
Of course we have programmingin our society that says don't
ask for much or be happy withwhat you have and while that is
(06:10):
true, right, of course, begrateful for what you have.
Absolutely.
That is a foundation foreverything, and it's not about
just asking for a whole bunch ofstuff, like you're a vacuum
cleaner and you're just suckingall these things in to try to
fill a void.
That's not the point either.
The point is ask for what youdesire and know that it's okay,
(06:38):
whether you are someone whogenuinely doesn't need much
Because I do believe that thereare people in this world that
they've gotten to a place wherereally they're cool with very
little, and there's otherindividuals who want a lot of
(06:59):
different things, whether it'sin their relationships.
You know one of the things Itell a lot of my clients who are
very purpose-driven.
So I work with individuals whoare purpose-driven.
They're heart-centered, theyhave a mission, they want to
help the world, they want tohelp other people, and these are
(07:22):
the people where I say andcoach them that being humble is
great.
If you're someone who leans onperhaps the more arrogant side
and doesn't think about otherpeople's needs or wants and
(07:43):
again, arrogance is a good wordfor this then, yes, learning to
be humble can be very beneficial.
But if you're someone who a lotof the clients that I work with
are purpose-driven, they'rehere to help the world.
Often they don't realize justhow incredible and amazing they
are.
They downplay their gifts andabilities and they don't ask for
(08:08):
what they want.
And it's this group of peoplethat needs to learn how to shoot
from the rooftop, how amazingthey are, and to ask for certain
things and ask for money,because the money in your hands,
a person's hands, that is goingto help the world.
(08:30):
That's what we want.
That's where we want the moneyto be.
Imagine how much you can do.
And it's not just about again,it's not just about giving and
giving and giving right.
We also want to think abouthonoring ourself.
But you know, I have huge goalsand part of those goals do
(08:51):
include contributing to theworld.
It's very hard to contribute ina big way if you're broke, okay,
so ask for what you want and beokay with it.
Learn to be okay with it.
Learn to be okay with lettingpeople go that have absolutely
(09:16):
no desire to truly show up andgive you what you need.
Allow yourself to let that go,because in my circumstances, in
my relationships, when I canthink back and it's interesting,
because your relationships willshow you a side of you that
(09:39):
needs the most healing.
It shows you because in thesecircumstances I was very
confident and I was veryassertive in many different
areas, but for some reason, whenit came to these relationships,
I just stopped asking for whatI wanted and I just kind of went
along and gave and gave andgave and wasn't open to receive,
(10:03):
which is why I had attractedthese partnerships, because I
wasn't even in a place where Iwas open to receive from a
partner.
So I attracted partners whoweren't giving, who weren't
(10:28):
giving, and the journal 30 Daysof Self-Love and Learning how to
Receive, the journal for thewoman who gives a lot this is my
latest journal.
This takes you through a processto start opening up to receive,
to start prioritizing you andyour needs and understanding
that if you don't ask for whatyou want, you're probably not
(10:49):
going to get it.
And while you know I gaveexamples of my relationships
where these individuals you know, once I asked, they basically
were a closed book there areother people who would love to
give you what you want, wouldlove to provide you and shower
(11:09):
you with all these wonderfulthings, but if they don't know,
how are they going to do itright?
Yes, some people are veryhighly intuitive and very you
know they have emotionalintelligence through the roof
and they can kind of read yourmind to some extent.
(11:30):
They can really feel into whatyou need, what you want.
There are far more people whocannot do this.
So please, please, please,especially if you're in a
wonderful, healthy, lovingrelationship ask for what you
want, because many people loveto give as much as they can
(11:55):
receive, as much as they lovereceiving.
There are many people that dohave a healthy relationship with
giving and receiving and wouldbe happy to meet you, where
you're at, with that, with yourdesires.
So I'm going to wrap this upbecause I didn't want this to be
a long episode.
I was just triggered nottrigger triggered to speak up
(12:18):
because it was disappointing tosee that video, because I know
there's going to be many peoplewho watch that video of that
woman and see all the commentssaying, wow, this woman's great
she.
You know she's not asking foranything, she doesn't expect
anything, she's just, she's justthere.
You know these are the ones wehave to keep, you know, safe or
(12:43):
whatever.
And I fell into for so longuntil I realized, holy shit, I'm
not going to get.
This is not the way to get whatyou are desiring.
It's okay to be someone who hashigh standards and who is.
(13:05):
I tell everybody I am very highmaintenance.
This is one reason I never gocamping.
No, I am not.
You're not going to find mecamping In this lifetime, in
this identity that I currentlyhave.
I am very high maintenance.
There's a lot of stuff that Ineed.
I do my monthly prep.
(13:31):
I have certain things that I doin the morning.
I have a very extensive morningroutine.
I have very extensive eveningroutine, morning routine.
I have very extensive eveningroutine.
I have a very extensiveskincare routine, hair routine,
like I am not a low maintenancegirl and that's not to say that
(13:52):
that's somehow better thansomeone who doesn't have any
routine.
It's honoring yourself for whoyou are.
It's honoring yourself for whoyou are.
That's what this is about Honoryourself and be real with
yourself.
Because when I started askingfor what I wanted, especially to
(14:14):
the universe, I really startedputting out this is what I want,
financial wise, these are theclients I want to work with.
I started feeling like I wasworthy of asking for what I
(14:34):
wanted.
Everything started to come intomy life at a whole new level.
Not only did I start asking forwhat I wanted, but I started
showing up as that version ofmyself, who it was a given that
(14:56):
that is what the version of mewas going to receive.
It will change the way you showup.
It will change the way you seeyourself.
It will change what you knowyou are worthy and deserving of,
and that is the key.
That is really the key to allthis, because that is what
(15:18):
shifts the level of self-lovethat you have for yourself.
When you no longer tolerate thebare minimum, or even the mid
minimum, and you start owningthe fact that you're freaking
amazing and that you give so somuch and you deserve to receive
(15:47):
the same.
You deserve to receive the same.
Okay, if you want to go deeperon this, you have two different
ways to do that.
One is you can grab the journal30 day journal for the woman
who gives a lot.
(16:08):
It is on all the Amazons.
I believe it should be.
And if it's not on your Amazon,if you're in the country and
you're like I don't see it, ifyou search Lisa Jeff's 30 day
journal for the woman who givesa lot and you don't see it, send
me an email and I will see whatI can do about that.
If you are in Canada, which Iknow a lot of my listeners are,
(16:42):
you can definitely search theCanadian Amazon site and you
will see it pop up.
If you really want to go deeperand catapult your results, then
book a breakthrough call becausewe will get very clear what is
the part of you that needshealing, what is the part of you
that needs work to be able toembrace, asking for what you
(17:07):
desire and be fully open toreceiving it and more.
Because the really cool, funthing about this is when you
start doing this work and youstart being very clear what you
(17:28):
are willing to tolerate and whatyou are no longer willing to
tolerate or deal with or put upwith.
You will be surprised anddelighted with what or who comes
into your life.
When I got really clear thetype of clients I want to work
(17:51):
with and I mean I've had reallygood clients from day one, but I
got really really clear youknow the level of just the level
of integrity of the peoplecoming to me.
The universe matched that andexpanded it to where you know.
(18:14):
I think I have the best businessin the world.
I get to work with the mostincredible people on the planet.
The best business in the world.
I get to work with the mostincredible people on the planet.
It's fantastic.
It's better than my wildestdreams.
Never, you know, 10 years, 11years ago almost could I ever
(18:36):
imagine that I would be workingwith the people I am today.
Not in a jillion years would I.
If you had told me back then,would I be able to see it,
because back then, not longbefore then, was one of these
relationships that I'm talkingabout.
So I was still in that statewhere I wasn't receiving because
I didn't feel fully worthyenough.
(18:56):
Okay, I'm going to wrap it up.
I honor you, I love you.
Thank you for sticking around.
As always, let's stay connected.
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Thank you for tuning into the Confident, Connected
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