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Have you ever felt crushed by a leader's harsh words? Imagine the toll it takes on your confidence and its ripple effects across all aspects of your life. Join me, as I explore personal stories and collective experiences that reveal the damaging impact of toxic leadership on self-esteem. In this heartfelt discussion, we delve into the lasting harm caused by negative feedback and the importance of nurturing, empathetic responses. By examining past traumas and understanding how they influence our current reactions to criticism, we provide a roadmap for reclaiming personal power and building resilience in the face of adversity.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I get really fired up with this topic because there
have been so many occasionswhere I've been talking to very
talented, incredibly giftedindividuals who have either
stunted their progress or reallyfallen off a trajectory because
(00:25):
of the words that have beenspoken over them, and these
words that have been spoken overthem are not based in truth.
Today, we're going to dive intowhat happens when you have a
person of authority, a leader orsomeone who is really.
(00:49):
Their role is supposed to beone of integrity, of guiding you
, of supporting you to be evenbetter than you already are, but
because they lack the skillsand leadership, they potentially
have really toxic tendencies.
(01:11):
So there's a scale here fromeither lack of the skills or
absolute toxicity, and becauseof this and because of this, it
has negatively impacted whereyou are.
We're gonna dive into why thisis why this happens, what to do
(01:33):
about it and how, if it hashappened to you, to overcome it
and make sure it never happensagain.
If this topic resonates, you'regonna wanna stick around.
Let's get started.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader
podcast, your premierdestination for breaking through
your current professionalbarriers.
Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend
limitations and achieve newlevels of professional success
beyond self-doubt, sabotage andburnout.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Let me first start by saying if you are someone who
has been negatively affected bysomeone's role in leadership,
who has spoken words over youthat have impacted you
negatively and now yourconfidence has been affected or
completely shot, it is not anindication of who you are, what
(02:40):
you're capable of and the powerthat resides in you.
I have had clients who and I'mnot going to because I want to
respect their confidentialityand if I share too much
information, someone couldpotentially look them up and
figure out who it is so I'm notgoing to share specifics, but
(03:02):
let me just start by saying thatthese individuals, their
(03:27):
credentials, what they do in theworld, and who mean taken aback
in a good way.
I was highly impressed by thesepeople's credentials, their
intelligence, their just thepower that resided in them.
What they've done in the worldis incredible, and still they
(03:51):
experienced people in their workenvironment, leaders that were
meant to guide them, and I'mthinking of there's quite a few,
but there's two specifics thatI'm thinking of.
There's one female, one male,and they had similar experiences
(04:11):
, they were in similarindustries, did a number on them
because they were giving verycritical feedback without the
(04:32):
positives.
I'm going to talk a little bitabout that.
How do you actually give properfeedback?
What is it a to be doing toguide the people that they're
meant to be guiding?
And in one instance, the personwas arguably extremely toxic.
(04:57):
They were borderline abusingthis person, borderline abusing
this person.
So let's discuss why this canhappen.
Why does do we get intosituations like this and why is
(05:17):
it that some people are affectedby this more than others?
Well, one of the reasons is, ifyou are in a position, many
fantastic leaders, people insenior leadership or in
different leadership roles, arehighly sensitive.
Why are they highly sensitive?
Because to be a powerful leader, you need to be able to feel
(05:44):
other people.
You need to have a certainamount of empathy.
So often you know the otherside of being so highly
sensitive and empathetic is wecan take things on to much more
extreme levels, where someonewho is not can brush things off
(06:06):
easier.
But I want to take you throughone of the reasons why and this
is more of the spiritual elementof it Often we have these
experiences to heal patternsfrom our past.
(06:27):
So if we had an experience inour past with a parent or a
teacher or someone in authority,could even be a peer, to be
honest, and we haven't fullyhealed that part.
We haven't healed those wounds,those insecurities, those
(06:47):
doubts about ourselves.
We can create new relationshipsin the attempt to heal this
wound.
This is why you see peoplegetting into romantic
relationships over and over andover again.
It's the same story.
It's a different person, butit's the same story because they
(07:10):
haven't healed that wound.
So once we heal a wound, we areno longer going to have that
same impact.
It's no longer going to throwus off our game to the same
extent.
So I'll give you an example.
So if you know my story, youknow that part of it was to do
(07:34):
with people in my life reallyspeaking words over me when I
ended up putting on a lot ofweight after my father passed
away and these individualsstarted treating me pretty much
like I was less than a humanbeing, Like I wasn't even a
human being.
I was just kind of like anobject and really speaking to me
(07:56):
like you know, shaming and thedissatisfaction because I put on
weight and I was no longerattractive to them, as if I
wasn't actually a person, as ifmy whole role was just to be
attractive to these people, andthose words really affected me
(08:17):
at that point.
They really, you know, Iabsorbed them, I took them on as
my identity and they affectedeverything in my life, how it
was showing up, what I thoughtabout myself.
Now, if someone were to saysomething now, 25 years plus or
(08:37):
more, about my body, it wouldhave zero to no effect, because
I am very confident in who I amand my body.
I love my body.
The fact that you know my bodybirthed a child just brought a
whole new perspective on who Iam, what I can do, and just the
(09:00):
fact that I've seen so manypeople over the years I've lost
people to cancer and todifferent things where their
body was, you know, impacted,and I just have so much love and
appreciation for my body rightnow that if someone were to say
something negative, it wouldhave no effect.
(09:20):
I would really just be like seeit as their projection, their
own insecurities projected.
So, going back to when we getreally, really impacted by the
words being spoken over usthrough from a leader or someone
in authority, it's anopportunity to look at what was
(09:45):
already there that has now beenbrought to the surface so we can
heal this and move forward,because it's, you know, us
suppressing something doesn'tactually get rid of it.
We're just suppressing it andanything that's suppressed is
(10:06):
going to come out in one shapeor fashion.
So that's one of the reasonswhy we can have these
experiences with leadership.
There's many people I've hadwho have gone from one
organization to the next andit's kind of the same thing.
(10:29):
It's because they are creatingthe same experiences with the
opportunity to heal in mind.
Okay, and that really allows usto take our power back.
That, hey, I can take some goodand positive from this.
I'm going to improve myselfbecause of this.
(10:50):
Yes, I was victimized in thissituation, especially if it's a
toxic leader, but I'm not goingto remain a victim.
I'm taking my power back andI'm going to heal this wound and
come back even stronger.
So, depending on you know whatyou experienced.
(11:12):
So if you had a real toxicleader, so this is abusive
behavior.
So they can be, you know,undermining you.
They can be using manipulation,they can be downright, you know
, verbally abusive.
That is a form of abuse andthat's going to have a
(11:35):
psychological effect on you,especially if you have a history
of abuse.
Right, it's opening up allthose wounds.
Now, if the person, let's say,isn't necessarily abusive, but
they just lack the skills onwhat it takes to be a good
(11:57):
leader and what they're doing isthey're forgetting to
acknowledge the good you'redoing, they're forgetting to
point out and celebrate yourwins, and they're only ever
giving you feedback on what'snot working or what you need
support in.
Then, depending on your ownnature, how sensitive, highly
(12:23):
sensitive you are then that canalso have a similar effect,
because it's going to make youstart doubting yourself.
It's going to make you startquestioning yourself.
If you were once reallyconfident, you're going to start
(12:44):
potentially questioning was Ijust delusional?
Was I always this baddelusional?
Was I always this bad?
Right, but you're not.
It's just that person inauthority is lacking the skills.
So, generally, when you aresomeone in leadership, even if
(13:07):
you're a parent and you aregiving feedback to someone, you
want to give at least threepositives to one piece of you
know improvement feedback.
Okay, so let me give you anexample.
So if you're you know you havea review meeting and someone
(13:32):
comes up and is like Lisa, weneed this fixed, this isn't
working, it's not connectingwith our employees, or blah,
blah, blah, this also needs work.
You know it wasn't done to thisstandard and this, and I think
(13:55):
this can be done a lot better.
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, You're going to leavethat meeting feeling like oh
okay, I did a whole bunch ofstuff.
It needs a lot of improvement.
Now, if that same personstarted that meeting by saying
you know, lisa, you know I'vebeen noticing what you're doing
with this and you know I'mreally excited about where
(14:19):
that's going, I think you'reright on track with this,
discussed this with you know,george, and I thought you did a
phenomenal job doing that.
Like just it really impressedme and you know this, what you
(14:39):
did with that team meeting, itwas great.
It was great.
I'm really excited about wherethat's going.
Now.
This, you know, I think, canuse some improvement.
Or this, you know, I'd like tosee this done this way.
Okay, you see how, when you puton that positive, you have the
(15:00):
positive feedback three to everyyou know improvement piece.
It just changes the energycompletely.
You're going to leave thatmeeting feeling great.
I mean, maybe, depending on howcritical you are of yourself,
you could feel like, oh, I wishI had it all great.
But it's not going to be to theextent of if you're just only
(15:22):
getting feedback of what wentwrong, what you need to improve
on, this does not encourageanyone to do better.
This is a very outdated form ofleadership, extremely outdated,
from a different time periodwhere maybe at certain points it
(15:44):
was beneficial, no longer work.
You are not going to have anyindividual invested in the
business, in the company, in theteam to any extent that they
would be if the praise was alsoincluded.
(16:07):
So if you are someone and allyou've ever gotten you never
gotten the praise understandthat how you're reacting to that
.
If it's affected yourself-esteem, if it's affected
your confidence levels, ifyou're questioning how you're
showing up and if you shouldeven be in this role, if you're
(16:29):
questioning, you're feeling likean imposter, then that is a
normal response to only gettingthis critical feedback.
(16:53):
And if you have been gettingliterally is you know there's
nothing wrong with you.
Is what I'm trying to say?
Something about that?
(17:15):
Because, again, even when weare victimized, it doesn't mean
we need to stay a victim andit's up to us to change that if
we want a different experiencemoving forward.
So one of the things I want youto understand and acknowledge
and, by the way, this is goingto be a continued conversation,
this isn't a one and doneepisode because this runs so
(17:39):
deep and when we are talkingabout really creating, you know,
your most confident,self-assured self, so you can be
the sought after leader thatyou are envisioning, that you
desire to be, then thisconversation that we're having
(18:01):
is very multi-layered, so I'mnot going to get into everything
in this episode.
If you do have questions or youhave stories or you have
anything like that, send me a DMon LinkedIn, on Instagram at
Lisa Jeffs, or send me an emailat info at lisajeffscom,
(18:23):
especially if you have specificquestions and I can answer them
directly on a podcast episode.
But going back to how do westart healing this, one of the
things we need to do is notlooping around these negative
interactions.
(18:43):
So a lot of people have apattern of looping around, so
constantly thinking about andreplaying negative interactions.
Right, we'll kind of keepthinking about it what I could
have done or we just loop itaround in our mind and we feel
(19:07):
sad about it, or we feel angry.
We have to stop looping this.
Right, you really need to beaware of when you are getting
lost in a past story, becauseyou will not be able to move
forward if you continue to be inthat story and be in that
(19:31):
identity.
Okay, moving forward, we needto be thinking about how am I
going to show up moving forward.
Because when we experience thisand let's say we've had an
experience, so using, you know,past clients as an example, some
(19:51):
of them have you know they'vegotten out of the experience, so
they're not in that sameenvironment anymore, but they
are continually, continuallythinking about what happened
right and they're feeling badabout it and they, you know it
stops them from takingopportunities.
It stops them from takingopportunities, it stops them
from putting themselves outthere and they just keep kind of
(20:14):
reverberating the same storyand the same identity.
We need to shift out of that.
We have our mental body and ouremotional body and they are
connected.
So, stopping the thought pathif you're thinking about that,
(20:43):
literally putting a almost astop sign you can see a stop
sign coming down in your mindand saying just stopping that
loop, stopping the loop andbringing in that loop.
Stopping the loop and bringingin.
What do I choose to believe now?
That I am confident, that I amcapable, that I wouldn't have
(21:04):
had that role in the first placeif I wasn't capable of doing it
, that I am capable of achievinganything that I'm desiring, and
focusing in on all the amazingqualities you have about
yourself, even if this meanswriting out 50 things that
you're proud about, 50 thingsthat you love about yourself and
reading it daily for 30 daysand if you're thinking, whoa,
(21:31):
that's really extreme Sometimes.
To counteract what we'veexperienced, we need to get
serious and commit to a new wayof being, and that is absolutely
a strategy you can take toshift the mental loop that has
(21:54):
come over you is implanting anew one.
What do you love about yourself?
What are you proud of?
What have you already achieved?
You know, when I do this withclients, often they're reading
it and they're like you knowwhat I have achieved so much?
I'm actually pretty freakingawesome.
(22:16):
So we need to change the recordright, change the record player.
We also need to really look atour boundaries.
So if you're someone and youare still in this working
environment, what needs tohappen for you to honor your
boundaries?
That may mean even leaving theorganization right, and I know
(22:38):
for some people that can bringup a lot of fear and a lot of
worry.
But I can guarantee you thatyou are not meant to stay in an
organization where you are beingabused Like that is, hands down
, not where you are meant to beand there's another place where
(22:59):
you can prosper and reallyletting go of any lack or
limitation where you feel thatthat's your only opportunity.
Because that is a survivalmindset which, if you're in that
that's okay, but know thatthat's some work to be done is
really, if you feel you'retrapped there is really, if you
(23:25):
feel you're trapped there,potentially and highly
recommended working with aprofessional to help you shift
out of any survival programming,because that's not a place
where we want you doing the work.
Okay.
Now, if it's a place where youjust have poor leadership, then
we can look at.
(23:45):
Well, what are the boundariesthat need to be in place here?
Do you need to have aconversation with HR?
Do you need to have aconversation with people in your
team?
Who is your support network inthis environment?
(24:05):
What do you need for your ownself-care and what do you need
to put in place?
Whether that is making a shift,making a switch, having
conversations, what are theboundaries that you need to put
in place?
What are the boundaries thatyou need to put in place?
(24:26):
Okay, boundaries, keepourselves safe.
Boundaries are a form ofself-love and boundaries are not
only for other people, butthey're also for us to put in
place and to acknowledge.
What else do you wanna do toreally get your confidence back?
I highly recommend working withsomeone.
(24:47):
It is the absolute mostefficient way to get your
confidence back hands down.
When you can work with anindividual professional a coach,
a therapist, depending on whatlevel if you did experience a
(25:16):
high level of abuse.
When you can work with someonewho you can lean on their
confidence in you, it hands down.
You can have radical changesovernight, whereas it may take
you longer for the shift.
Now I always say this with youdon't need someone else to do
the work for you.
(25:36):
You don't need someone right?
Because then if we feel like weneed someone, that's a
disempowering place.
Everybody has it within them toovercome this.
Everybody on their own ifnecessary.
But if you are a leader and youare serious about moving
forward, you're serious abouthealing and improving and
(26:02):
creating a life for yourself andfor your family that is one of
abundance, prosperity,fulfillment, health, wealth,
satisfaction then if you'veexperienced something like this,
working with someone, making aninvestment in that journey, is,
(26:24):
hands down, the most efficientway to do it, because you will
have rapid changes in comparisonto doing it potentially on your
own.
You, if you are resonating withthis, I can tell you right now
(26:44):
that you are meant to go on thisjourney to heal the words that
have been spoken over you, thathave been keeping you down or in
a place of limitation,insecurity, self-doubt, imposter
syndrome you are.
This podcast is meant, you aremeant to hear it and you're on
(27:10):
that trajectory.
It's just a matter of okay.
What's my next step?
If you want to book abreakthrough call which I highly
recommend, it's a complimentarybreakthrough call with me for
an hour.
They're not going to be aroundforever.
They are available right now sowe can discuss if coaching is
(27:35):
in your best interest, if it'sthe best next step.
If it's not, I will do my bestto recommend what I do think is
going to be a better path, and Ido recommend sometimes for some
people that there's anotherpath that will be beneficial.
Book your breakthrough call.
If you're not sure what the nextstep is.
This is the next step that'sbeing presented.
(27:56):
This is what I do with myclientele.
This is pretty much why I'm sopassionate about coaching,
because I know what it's like tohave words spoken over you.
Words were spoken over me thatdrastically impacted me for
years, and I was able tounderstand and learn and
(28:21):
implement what was needed tobreak away from that and really
find my confidence that wasalways there it was just, you
know, hidden for a while and tobuild back up my self-esteem and
to empower myself to then sayno, hell, no, I am not letting
(28:47):
these past experiences dictatemy future, because I have so
much to offer, and so do you.
So I'm going to wrap it up here,but again, send me your
questions, send me yourexperiences, if you need.
If you want me to answerspecific ones, send it to me.
I would love to answer it in apodcast episode.
(29:08):
If you are ready to catapultyour future and where you are
currently, book a breakthroughcall.
If you want me to really divein to your specific story and
you feel comfortable sharingthat story with me, send me an
(29:30):
email at info at lisajefscom.
If you're still with me, youknow, as always, I'm so grateful
for you.
I honor you.
I hope this was a value.
Let's continue thisconversation and, as always,
let's stay connected.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Thank you for tuning into the Confident, connected
Leader podcast.
Lisa Jeffs is committed tohelping you break through
barriers and climb to newprofessional heights.
If today's episode inspired you, we'd be honored if you could
subscribe, rate and leave areview To stay updated with
practical tips and insights,follow us on LinkedIn, instagram
(30:11):
or Facebook.
You'll find all relevant links,including those for our
complimentary gifts andtrainings, in the show notes.
Until our next episode, embraceyour confidence and stay
connected.
I get really fired up with this topic because there
have been so many occasionswhere I've been talking to very
talented, incredibly giftedindividuals who have either
stunted their progress or reallyfallen off a trajectory because
(00:25):
of the words that have beenspoken over them, and these
words that have been spoken overthem are not based in truth.
Today, we're going to dive intowhat happens when you have a
person of authority, a leader orsomeone who is really.
(00:49):
Their role is supposed to beone of integrity, of guiding you
, of supporting you to be evenbetter than you already are, but
because they lack the skillsand leadership, they potentially
have really toxic tendencies.
(01:11):
So there's a scale here fromeither lack of the skills or
absolute toxicity, and becauseof this and because of this, it
has negatively impacted whereyou are.
We're gonna dive into why thisis why this happens, what to do
(01:33):
about it and how, if it hashappened to you, to overcome it
and make sure it never happensagain.
If this topic resonates, you'regonna wanna stick around.
Let's get started.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader
podcast, your premierdestination for breaking through
your current professionalbarriers.
Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend
limitations and achieve newlevels of professional success
beyond self-doubt, sabotage andburnout.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Let me first start by saying if you are someone who
has been negatively affected bysomeone's role in leadership,
who has spoken words over youthat have impacted you
negatively and now yourconfidence has been affected or
completely shot, it is not anindication of who you are, what
(02:40):
you're capable of and the powerthat resides in you.
I have had clients who and I'mnot going to because I want to
respect their confidentialityand if I share too much
information, someone couldpotentially look them up and
figure out who it is so I'm notgoing to share specifics, but
(03:02):
let me just start by saying thatthese individuals, their
(03:27):
credentials, what they do in theworld, and who mean taken aback
in a good way.
I was highly impressed by thesepeople's credentials, their
intelligence, their just thepower that resided in them.
What they've done in the worldis incredible, and still they
(03:51):
experienced people in their workenvironment, leaders that were
meant to guide them, and I'mthinking of there's quite a few,
but there's two specifics thatI'm thinking of.
There's one female, one male,and they had similar experiences
(04:11):
, they were in similarindustries, did a number on them
because they were giving verycritical feedback without the
(04:32):
positives.
I'm going to talk a little bitabout that.
How do you actually give properfeedback?
What is it a to be doing toguide the people that they're
meant to be guiding?
And in one instance, the personwas arguably extremely toxic.
(04:57):
They were borderline abusingthis person, borderline abusing
this person.
So let's discuss why this canhappen.
Why does do we get intosituations like this and why is
(05:17):
it that some people are affectedby this more than others?
Well, one of the reasons is, ifyou are in a position, many
fantastic leaders, people insenior leadership or in
different leadership roles, arehighly sensitive.
Why are they highly sensitive?
Because to be a powerful leader, you need to be able to feel
(05:44):
other people.
You need to have a certainamount of empathy.
So often you know the otherside of being so highly
sensitive and empathetic is wecan take things on to much more
extreme levels, where someonewho is not can brush things off
(06:06):
easier.
But I want to take you throughone of the reasons why and this
is more of the spiritual elementof it Often we have these
experiences to heal patternsfrom our past.
(06:27):
So if we had an experience inour past with a parent or a
teacher or someone in authority,could even be a peer, to be
honest, and we haven't fullyhealed that part.
We haven't healed those wounds,those insecurities, those
(06:47):
doubts about ourselves.
We can create new relationshipsin the attempt to heal this
wound.
This is why you see peoplegetting into romantic
relationships over and over andover again.
It's the same story.
It's a different person, butit's the same story because they
(07:10):
haven't healed that wound.
So once we heal a wound, we areno longer going to have that
same impact.
It's no longer going to throwus off our game to the same
extent.
So I'll give you an example.
So if you know my story, youknow that part of it was to do
(07:34):
with people in my life reallyspeaking words over me when I
ended up putting on a lot ofweight after my father passed
away and these individualsstarted treating me pretty much
like I was less than a humanbeing, Like I wasn't even a
human being.
I was just kind of like anobject and really speaking to me
(07:56):
like you know, shaming and thedissatisfaction because I put on
weight and I was no longerattractive to them, as if I
wasn't actually a person, as ifmy whole role was just to be
attractive to these people, andthose words really affected me
(08:17):
at that point.
They really, you know, Iabsorbed them, I took them on as
my identity and they affectedeverything in my life, how it
was showing up, what I thoughtabout myself.
Now, if someone were to saysomething now, 25 years plus or
(08:37):
more, about my body, it wouldhave zero to no effect, because
I am very confident in who I amand my body.
I love my body.
The fact that you know my bodybirthed a child just brought a
whole new perspective on who Iam, what I can do, and just the
(09:00):
fact that I've seen so manypeople over the years I've lost
people to cancer and todifferent things where their
body was, you know, impacted,and I just have so much love and
appreciation for my body rightnow that if someone were to say
something negative, it wouldhave no effect.
(09:20):
I would really just be like seeit as their projection, their
own insecurities projected.
So, going back to when we getreally, really impacted by the
words being spoken over usthrough from a leader or someone
in authority, it's anopportunity to look at what was
(09:45):
already there that has now beenbrought to the surface so we can
heal this and move forward,because it's, you know, us
suppressing something doesn'tactually get rid of it.
We're just suppressing it andanything that's suppressed is
(10:06):
going to come out in one shapeor fashion.
So that's one of the reasonswhy we can have these
experiences with leadership.
There's many people I've hadwho have gone from one
organization to the next andit's kind of the same thing.
(10:29):
It's because they are creatingthe same experiences with the
opportunity to heal in mind.
Okay, and that really allows usto take our power back.
That, hey, I can take some goodand positive from this.
I'm going to improve myselfbecause of this.
(10:50):
Yes, I was victimized in thissituation, especially if it's a
toxic leader, but I'm not goingto remain a victim.
I'm taking my power back andI'm going to heal this wound and
come back even stronger.
So, depending on you know whatyou experienced.
(11:12):
So if you had a real toxicleader, so this is abusive
behavior.
So they can be, you know,undermining you.
They can be using manipulation,they can be downright, you know
, verbally abusive.
That is a form of abuse andthat's going to have a
(11:35):
psychological effect on you,especially if you have a history
of abuse.
Right, it's opening up allthose wounds.
Now, if the person, let's say,isn't necessarily abusive, but
they just lack the skills onwhat it takes to be a good
(11:57):
leader and what they're doing isthey're forgetting to
acknowledge the good you'redoing, they're forgetting to
point out and celebrate yourwins, and they're only ever
giving you feedback on what'snot working or what you need
support in.
Then, depending on your ownnature, how sensitive, highly
(12:23):
sensitive you are then that canalso have a similar effect,
because it's going to make youstart doubting yourself.
It's going to make you startquestioning yourself.
If you were once reallyconfident, you're going to start
(12:44):
potentially questioning was Ijust delusional?
Was I always this baddelusional?
Was I always this bad?
Right, but you're not.
It's just that person inauthority is lacking the skills.
So, generally, when you aresomeone in leadership, even if
(13:07):
you're a parent and you aregiving feedback to someone, you
want to give at least threepositives to one piece of you
know improvement feedback.
Okay, so let me give you anexample.
So if you're you know you havea review meeting and someone
(13:32):
comes up and is like Lisa, weneed this fixed, this isn't
working, it's not connectingwith our employees, or blah,
blah, blah, this also needs work.
You know it wasn't done to thisstandard and this, and I think
(13:55):
this can be done a lot better.
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, You're going to leavethat meeting feeling like oh
okay, I did a whole bunch ofstuff.
It needs a lot of improvement.
Now, if that same personstarted that meeting by saying
you know, lisa, you know I'vebeen noticing what you're doing
with this and you know I'mreally excited about where
(14:19):
that's going, I think you'reright on track with this,
discussed this with you know,george, and I thought you did a
phenomenal job doing that.
Like just it really impressedme and you know this, what you
(14:39):
did with that team meeting, itwas great.
It was great.
I'm really excited about wherethat's going.
Now.
This, you know, I think, canuse some improvement.
Or this, you know, I'd like tosee this done this way.
Okay, you see how, when you puton that positive, you have the
(15:00):
positive feedback three to everyyou know improvement piece.
It just changes the energycompletely.
You're going to leave thatmeeting feeling great.
I mean, maybe, depending on howcritical you are of yourself,
you could feel like, oh, I wishI had it all great.
But it's not going to be to theextent of if you're just only
(15:22):
getting feedback of what wentwrong, what you need to improve
on, this does not encourageanyone to do better.
This is a very outdated form ofleadership, extremely outdated,
from a different time periodwhere maybe at certain points it
(15:44):
was beneficial, no longer work.
You are not going to have anyindividual invested in the
business, in the company, in theteam to any extent that they
would be if the praise was alsoincluded.
(16:07):
So if you are someone and allyou've ever gotten you never
gotten the praise understandthat how you're reacting to that
.
If it's affected yourself-esteem, if it's affected
your confidence levels, ifyou're questioning how you're
showing up and if you shouldeven be in this role, if you're
(16:29):
questioning, you're feeling likean imposter, then that is a
normal response to only gettingthis critical feedback.
(16:53):
And if you have been gettingliterally is you know there's
nothing wrong with you.
Is what I'm trying to say?
Something about that?
(17:15):
Because, again, even when weare victimized, it doesn't mean
we need to stay a victim andit's up to us to change that if
we want a different experiencemoving forward.
So one of the things I want youto understand and acknowledge
and, by the way, this is goingto be a continued conversation,
this isn't a one and doneepisode because this runs so
(17:39):
deep and when we are talkingabout really creating, you know,
your most confident,self-assured self, so you can be
the sought after leader thatyou are envisioning, that you
desire to be, then thisconversation that we're having
(18:01):
is very multi-layered, so I'mnot going to get into everything
in this episode.
If you do have questions or youhave stories or you have
anything like that, send me a DMon LinkedIn, on Instagram at
Lisa Jeffs, or send me an emailat info at lisajeffscom,
(18:23):
especially if you have specificquestions and I can answer them
directly on a podcast episode.
But going back to how do westart healing this, one of the
things we need to do is notlooping around these negative
interactions.
(18:43):
So a lot of people have apattern of looping around, so
constantly thinking about andreplaying negative interactions.
Right, we'll kind of keepthinking about it what I could
have done or we just loop itaround in our mind and we feel
(19:07):
sad about it, or we feel angry.
We have to stop looping this.
Right, you really need to beaware of when you are getting
lost in a past story, becauseyou will not be able to move
forward if you continue to be inthat story and be in that
(19:31):
identity.
Okay, moving forward, we needto be thinking about how am I
going to show up moving forward.
Because when we experience thisand let's say we've had an
experience, so using, you know,past clients as an example, some
(19:51):
of them have you know they'vegotten out of the experience, so
they're not in that sameenvironment anymore, but they
are continually, continuallythinking about what happened
right and they're feeling badabout it and they, you know it
stops them from takingopportunities.
It stops them from takingopportunities, it stops them
from putting themselves outthere and they just keep kind of
(20:14):
reverberating the same storyand the same identity.
We need to shift out of that.
We have our mental body and ouremotional body and they are
connected.
So, stopping the thought pathif you're thinking about that,
(20:43):
literally putting a almost astop sign you can see a stop
sign coming down in your mindand saying just stopping that
loop, stopping the loop andbringing in that loop.
Stopping the loop and bringingin.
What do I choose to believe now?
That I am confident, that I amcapable, that I wouldn't have
(21:04):
had that role in the first placeif I wasn't capable of doing it
, that I am capable of achievinganything that I'm desiring, and
focusing in on all the amazingqualities you have about
yourself, even if this meanswriting out 50 things that
you're proud about, 50 thingsthat you love about yourself and
reading it daily for 30 daysand if you're thinking, whoa,
(21:31):
that's really extreme Sometimes.
To counteract what we'veexperienced, we need to get
serious and commit to a new wayof being, and that is absolutely
a strategy you can take toshift the mental loop that has
(21:54):
come over you is implanting anew one.
What do you love about yourself?
What are you proud of?
What have you already achieved?
You know, when I do this withclients, often they're reading
it and they're like you knowwhat I have achieved so much?
I'm actually pretty freakingawesome.
(22:16):
So we need to change the recordright, change the record player.
We also need to really look atour boundaries.
So if you're someone and youare still in this working
environment, what needs tohappen for you to honor your
boundaries?
That may mean even leaving theorganization right, and I know
(22:38):
for some people that can bringup a lot of fear and a lot of
worry.
But I can guarantee you thatyou are not meant to stay in an
organization where you are beingabused Like that is, hands down
, not where you are meant to beand there's another place where
(22:59):
you can prosper and reallyletting go of any lack or
limitation where you feel thatthat's your only opportunity.
Because that is a survivalmindset which, if you're in that
that's okay, but know thatthat's some work to be done is
really, if you feel you'retrapped there is really, if you
(23:25):
feel you're trapped there,potentially and highly
recommended working with aprofessional to help you shift
out of any survival programming,because that's not a place
where we want you doing the work.
Okay.
Now, if it's a place where youjust have poor leadership, then
we can look at.
(23:45):
Well, what are the boundariesthat need to be in place here?
Do you need to have aconversation with HR?
Do you need to have aconversation with people in your
team?
Who is your support network inthis environment?
(24:05):
What do you need for your ownself-care and what do you need
to put in place?
Whether that is making a shift,making a switch, having
conversations, what are theboundaries that you need to put
in place?
What are the boundaries thatyou need to put in place?
(24:26):
Okay, boundaries, keepourselves safe.
Boundaries are a form ofself-love and boundaries are not
only for other people, butthey're also for us to put in
place and to acknowledge.
What else do you wanna do toreally get your confidence back?
I highly recommend working withsomeone.
(24:47):
It is the absolute mostefficient way to get your
confidence back hands down.
When you can work with anindividual professional a coach,
a therapist, depending on whatlevel if you did experience a
(25:16):
high level of abuse.
When you can work with someonewho you can lean on their
confidence in you, it hands down.
You can have radical changesovernight, whereas it may take
you longer for the shift.
Now I always say this with youdon't need someone else to do
the work for you.
(25:36):
You don't need someone right?
Because then if we feel like weneed someone, that's a
disempowering place.
Everybody has it within them toovercome this.
Everybody on their own ifnecessary.
But if you are a leader and youare serious about moving
forward, you're serious abouthealing and improving and
(26:02):
creating a life for yourself andfor your family that is one of
abundance, prosperity,fulfillment, health, wealth,
satisfaction then if you'veexperienced something like this,
working with someone, making aninvestment in that journey, is,
(26:24):
hands down, the most efficientway to do it, because you will
have rapid changes in comparisonto doing it potentially on your
own.
You, if you are resonating withthis, I can tell you right now
(26:44):
that you are meant to go on thisjourney to heal the words that
have been spoken over you, thathave been keeping you down or in
a place of limitation,insecurity, self-doubt, imposter
syndrome you are.
This podcast is meant, you aremeant to hear it and you're on
(27:10):
that trajectory.
It's just a matter of okay.
What's my next step?
If you want to book abreakthrough call which I highly
recommend, it's a complimentarybreakthrough call with me for
an hour.
They're not going to be aroundforever.
They are available right now sowe can discuss if coaching is
(27:35):
in your best interest, if it'sthe best next step.
If it's not, I will do my bestto recommend what I do think is
going to be a better path, and Ido recommend sometimes for some
people that there's anotherpath that will be beneficial.
Book your breakthrough call.
If you're not sure what the nextstep is.
This is the next step that'sbeing presented.
(27:56):
This is what I do with myclientele.
This is pretty much why I'm sopassionate about coaching,
because I know what it's like tohave words spoken over you.
Words were spoken over me thatdrastically impacted me for
years, and I was able tounderstand and learn and
(28:21):
implement what was needed tobreak away from that and really
find my confidence that wasalways there it was just, you
know, hidden for a while and tobuild back up my self-esteem and
to empower myself to then sayno, hell, no, I am not letting
(28:47):
these past experiences dictatemy future, because I have so
much to offer, and so do you.
So I'm going to wrap it up here,but again, send me your
questions, send me yourexperiences, if you need.
If you want me to answerspecific ones, send it to me.
I would love to answer it in apodcast episode.
(29:08):
If you are ready to catapultyour future and where you are
currently, book a breakthroughcall.
If you want me to really divein to your specific story and
you feel comfortable sharingthat story with me, send me an
(29:30):
email at info at lisajefscom.
If you're still with me, youknow, as always, I'm so grateful
for you.
I honor you.
I hope this was a value.
Let's continue thisconversation and, as always,
let's stay connected.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Thank you for tuning into the Confident, connected
Leader podcast.
Lisa Jeffs is committed tohelping you break through
barriers and climb to newprofessional heights.
If today's episode inspired you, we'd be honored if you could
subscribe, rate and leave areview To stay updated with
practical tips and insights,follow us on LinkedIn, instagram
(30:11):
or Facebook.
You'll find all relevant links,including those for our
complimentary gifts andtrainings, in the show notes.
Until our next episode, embraceyour confidence and stay
connected.
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