May 9, 2024 • 27 mins
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Have you ever struggled with the weight of guilt when you try to say no? That's what we unpack today, as we unravel the complex feelings surrounding setting boundaries and respectfully declining requests. It's an especially common predicament for the givers among us – the leaders, caregivers, and helpers who've learned to equate their worth with their output. By dissecting childhood patterns that chase after validation through achievements, we put forth strategies to help you embrace your needs and cultivate self-love. It's not about disappointment; it's about healthy communication and keeping your own cup full to serve others better.
Self Love Journal: For the Woman Who Gives A Lot: https://a.co/d/6sAHvDh
Thanks for Listening! We appreciate you. Sending you love and gratitude.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Imagine feeling so guilty for saying no and
potentially disappointingsomeone, even though you've
already done so much.
You've been so busy, working sohard, yet you still feel the
(00:21):
guilt.
We're going to be diving intothis pattern on today's show.
This is such a common patternfor women and men who give a lot
, who are leaders, caregiversthe guilt of saying no.
Stick around, it's going to bea good one.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader
podcast, your premierdestination for breaking through
your current professionalbarriers.
Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend
limitations and achieve newlevels of professional success
beyond self-doubt, sabotage andburnout.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Welcome to the show, my leaders.
If you haven't noticed already,we have changed the color and
done a little bit of a brandrefresh on the podcast.
So we've gone from the purplecolor, which you know what I
still really like, but we'regoing with red now as a as we
focus more on awakenedconfidence, which is my
(01:32):
confidence framework.
There will be a book coming outsoon.
We're going with the color red.
So, and before I forget, if youhaven't seen, the newest
journal that we have released,self Love Journal for the Woman
(01:53):
who Gives a Lot is now availableon your local Amazon.
I will include the link for inthe show notes.
But, please, if you're ajournaler and you are a woman
who gives a lot and wants toopen up to receiving, being able
(02:14):
to receive more opportunities,more love, money, all the good
stuff that this world has tooffer, this is the journal for
you.
And a little caveat, men ifyou're hearing this, you can
also get the journal.
It will be applicable.
Okay, speaking of the journal,we are diving into a similar
(02:38):
topic.
How do we get rid of the guiltthat we feel as leaders, as
women and men who give a lot,when it's time to say no?
(02:59):
So we're going to be talkingmore about this topic.
Oh, other caveat before we getinto it If you have a question,
you can now go on to the podcastpage, the specific website page
.
You can find this link in myInstagram bio.
You can now text a question andthat question, if it's chosen,
(03:22):
will be answered on the podcast,and that question, if it's
chosen, will be answered on thepodcast.
Okay, so this is a really coolfeature.
If you have a burning question,drop it in, send a text and, if
it's chosen, we'll answer it onthe podcast.
So back to the guilty feelingso this may surprise you a
little bit of why we feel guilty.
(03:44):
Now, this isn't from a lack ofboundaries, right, a lack of
boundaries is part of thechallenge, it's part of the
issue, but it's not the core ofwhat's happening, right, the
core, when we really look at aninability to say no, we gotta go
(04:09):
back in time.
We have to look at the patternsthat you were experiencing, or
whoever that you know has thischallenge in childhood.
What were you experiencing thatyou know has this challenge in
childhood?
What were you experiencing?
(04:31):
That you now feel that youcan't say no or you feel guilty
about it.
So a common pattern that peopleget into especially for high
achievers, leaders, people whoget their validation by things
that they do is, if you were achild, who would get validated
(04:56):
from achieving you know, gettinggood grades or being a sports
star and you know getting allthe things which you know.
This is a common experience.
Many children get that.
Children get validation.
(05:17):
They get praise for doing good,for winning the gold medal, for
winning the gold star, forwinning the gold medal, for
winning the gold star.
If it's a pattern and you don'tget praise from your parents,
or you didn't get praise fromyour parents or you didn't get
praise from your caregivers whenyou didn't do well, so there
(05:41):
was no kind of I'm proud of youfor showing up and getting out
there and trying.
There's none of that Then youmay still have a.
(06:03):
You may want to be validated bywork that you're doing, going
the extra mile, winning the deal, type of experience, and this
can be very sticky to get out of.
(06:24):
The root of this is wanting tobe loved Right when we can
really peel back the layers.
I say this all the time thatwhen we peel back the layers of
our challenges and our problems,we can typically find two core
roots the need to feel love andthe need to feel safe.
(06:44):
Find two core roots the need tofeel love and the need to feel
safe.
So, if you are feeling guiltyfor saying no when someone is
asking you for something, I wantyou to ask yourself does this
have to do with me feeling likeI'm letting them down and if I
let them down?
Letting them down and if I letthem down, do I feel that this
(07:13):
is going to damage therelationship?
Even if consciously, you'relike that doesn't make sense.
I want you to move yourattention from your headspace
(07:33):
and almost see the energy.
If you can see yourself in yourmind's eye, if you're a visual
person just floating down,floating down into your heart
space and ask your.
Do I feel that if I say no andlet this person down, that this
relationship is going to bedamaged?
Now we also want to challengethe belief that we're letting
(07:58):
them down if we say no, becausethat's not always the case.
A healthy individual whounderstands that you have a life
and you need to prioritize yourwell-being and you have other
things going on in your life,will understand when you need to
say no as long as you areexpressing to them in a healthy
(08:24):
fashion and not like what I usedto do about 20, 25 years ago
when I was a youth.
I just told this story.
I'm not going to tell it againbecause I just told it.
It's going to be launched in aYouTube video soon, but I had
such a hard time saying no thatI would just avoid.
(08:48):
I would tell a person yes andthen I would just avoid them, I
wouldn't go, I wouldn't go out,I wouldn't do it, and it was
such a poor way of handling iteven though if I knew how to do
better at that time, I wouldhave.
(09:09):
So I'm sending myself lots oflove and compassion, but it
created so much more stress andanxiety and typically these
patterns do right.
They create so much more todeal with.
So much more to deal with.
(09:33):
So much the headaches galorewhen we can't say no and we
either end up doing something wedon't want to do, feeling
resentful for it, or we exhaustourselves.
(09:54):
So what's another reason whymany individuals leaders,
entrepreneurs, business ownershave challenges saying no?
There's also the fact of areyou terrified?
You're going to miss out?
Is there something you thinkyou will like?
I used to and I didn't reallyrealize it until I started to
(10:16):
dig in a little bit deeper andask myself.
Actually, it was someone that I,one of my mentors said suddenly
, and she said you know, lisa,you don't have to go to this
thing if you're feelingpressured.
And I thought for a minute, I'mlike pressured.
I'm not really one to bepressured.
You know, I am one wheremanipulation does not work Never
(10:43):
has, even when I was young, Ican see right through forms of
manipulation.
It just doesn't work at all.
So I, you know, I thought tomyself well, I'm not pressured,
nobody's pressuring me.
But I didn't realize I waspressuring myself.
It was me that was making thepressure, because I was scared I
(11:04):
was going to miss out on anopportunity.
I had a mindset like this wasthe thing, and if I missed this
thing, if it was an event Ididn't really want to go to.
But I felt pressured becausethere was people there that you
know had lots of connections andmaybe I would make some really
(11:24):
good connections and maybe thiswas a thing that would, you know
, blow up my business and allthese things.
And I realized that I was doingthat to myself.
And when you feel pressured togo anywhere that is not in
alignment for you.
It may be, the event still maybe something that could be in
(11:50):
alignment, but going in thatenergy is not in alignment.
You want to address thepressure.
You want to shift out of thatenergy.
So it could be.
Do you have a fear of missingout?
It could be.
Do you have a fear of missingout, do you have a fear of if
you're in a environment, a workenvironment, a corporate
(12:13):
environment and someone asks youto do something?
Do you have a fear that if yousay no, you're going to miss out
on opportunities?
You're going to miss out onsomething?
You really want to address this.
When we are the person who can'tsay no, we actually start to
devalue ourselves.
We appear less valuable inother people's eyes.
(12:37):
Always readily available andalways there to say yes, we lose
perceived value.
Now, that's not to say youalways want to say no, because
then you may lose a position aswell, because then people will
(13:00):
stop asking you or stop countingon you.
They'll kind of count you out.
If you're not, you know part ofyou're not engaging at all.
But a good rule of thumb isdon't say yes unless you have
the space and the bandwidth andare genuinely doing it because
(13:25):
there's a part of you that wantsto do it, whether you want to
help that person, or you want todo it because you think it's
going to be something that addssome dynamic to your work
experience.
But if you feel pressured oryou feel like you're going to
miss out, not a good directionto take Now.
(13:52):
The next one is are you worriedabout being perceived as
unhelpful?
Now there are many people againwho have been praised and who
have identified with the person.
That is very helpful.
(14:29):
This really leans into them forhelp.
They have a lot of good ideas,they can guide people, they're
very skilled at whatever they'redoing.
They have a lot of qualities ofqualities and they can be
(14:50):
someone that has, through theyears, gained validation through
being that type of a person.
And if they start saying no,there can be a worry that they
will no longer be perceived ashelpful.
And why does this matter?
If you're someone who still hassome healing to do, that isn't
fully accepting of themselves.
(15:13):
It is because they're scaredthat love may be taken away.
They don't want to be seen asunhelpful If unhelpful is the
way they perceive that theyreceive love, and that's what
happened when they were younger.
There can be a very largechallenge with saying no and not
(15:37):
being seen as helpful anymorebecause it's wrapped up in their
identity.
This is not a healthy identityto have, up in their identity.
This is not a healthy identityto have.
You can absolutely have theidentity as someone that is
helpful but also has firmboundaries.
So this was something that Iexperienced many, many times,
(16:01):
especially when I was in myyounger years.
So I'm thinking in my early, mylate teens, early twenties,
type of even in my twenties, youknow, I would have many people
call, call me on the phone andit was kind of like I was their
counselor, right, they wouldcall and they would talk and
(16:21):
they would have challenges, andI was great at supporting these.
People call and they would talkand they would have challenges
and I was great at supportingthese people.
I mean, this is one of mynatural gifts, being a coach,
being a counselor, which was myprior career but there wasn't a
giving and receiving.
It was a lot of guiding andcounseling and as soon as the
(16:44):
person would get what theyneeded, they would get off the
phone.
And this wasn't.
You know, I wasn't a victim ofthis.
I was in a dynamic where I wasnot honoring my boundaries and I
was not stating what I needed.
Part of me was gainingvalidation from being the one
(17:06):
that could help.
Now there was a point where thatshifted, because it got to the
point where I was exhausted.
I was on these calls.
It was just exhausting.
I still don't, to be honest,enjoy chatting for very long on
the phone.
Unless we are talking aboutsomething, a topic which is
(17:33):
really stimulates me, then Ienjoy it.
But the conversations I used tohave where it was more of an
individual or a friend just kindof looping around in the same
story, they didn't really wanthelp.
Is what I'm saying.
So when someone wants help andthey are receiving great
(17:56):
conversation, if someone's moreof an eventing experience and
you are someone who can't say noor set boundaries, it can go
over the limit and this is whenyou can be exhausted, and I've
talked to many people in thissituation.
(18:17):
Many clients have come to meand said that they start
resenting and it really isn'tthe other person's fault.
Now.
Obviously they're responsiblefor their own selves, but as
people who may have challengessetting boundaries, we have to
(18:38):
honor ourselves and respect that.
It's up to us to set theboundaries for us.
Nobody can do that for us,right?
So that's a big one.
That is one where it's reallyabout shifting your identity,
(18:59):
that you can still be someonethat is very helpful, that cares
deeply about your friends, yourloved ones.
You want to be there for them,but you are making sure to fill
your cup first.
Your cup needs to be filled,potentially overflowing, before
(19:20):
you can give out.
And last one, that it's stillrooted in.
The same validation is if you'reon a team or you have your team
and you're worried that if yousay no or if you don't show up
(19:43):
for something or set someboundaries, that you're going to
hinder their progress for thewhole team.
The whole team will suffer, andthis is really about
challenging that belief.
Is that true?
Are people going to sufferbecause you said no?
Is the progress going to beaffected if you say no and set
(20:05):
boundaries for your ownwell-being?
I do not.
I don't.
I don't believe that.
That's not a belief.
I hold that if you are honoringyour well-being, if you are
stating what you need to takingcare of yourself first, I do not
believe that will evernegatively affect something else
(20:29):
, because you are doing that inthe frequency and the energy of
care and love for you.
And I know it can be verychallenging if you're not used
(20:55):
to it, especially if you havetrauma around letting people
down around you know, whateveryour story is, if you have a
visceral reaction to some ofthese things, I highly suggest
getting support around it,whether that's through coaching,
(21:17):
whether that's through certaintrauma work potentially, because
when we don't honor ourboundaries and we can't say no,
this can lead to a lot of issues, not only in work but in our
(21:39):
health and our well-being.
And I promise you, when youstart to honor your boundaries
and you start to teach peoplehow to treat you, everything
shifts and changes and yourealize, oh, I can still have
amazing relationships work,family, romantic while honoring
(22:04):
myself.
And, in fact, when I honormyself and I learned to say no
and I learned that true lovedoes not come from me, having to
show up in a certain way and,you know, give all of myself to
(22:26):
everyone while denying myself.
Well, when I can challenge thatand really see the truth of the
situation and honor mywell-being and fill my cup so
it's overflowing, I teacheveryone else to do the same and
imagine how much the world isgoing to shift and change when
(22:47):
everyone is filling their owncup and they're so filled and
overflowing that they just wantto overflow on everyone else.
That sounds a little weird, butyou know what I mean.
You know what I mean, so I'mgoing to wrap it up.
If you have a question you wantme to ask it specifically,
(23:08):
please head on over, send me atext message.
Who's going to be the first one?
I just set that up right beforeI came on here.
It just showed up as an option.
So if you're listening to thissoon after this is published,
you may be the first one, andthat will guarantee, as long as
(23:31):
it's a question I can answer andan appropriate question, that
your question will be answered.
So don't wait, send me aquestion.
If you liked the journal, headon over to Amazon.
Lisa Jeff's self-love journalfor the woman who gives a lot,
or you can check the link in myInstagram or on the show notes.
(23:54):
Great gift for Mother's Day,even if you're buying it for
yourself, even if you're not amother, but it is truly a
wonderful gift if you have awoman in your life who gives a
lot, whether that's your wife orit's your mom, it's your
grandma, it's your daughter.
(24:15):
I made the journal specificallyso it's easy and fun to
navigate through.
Lots of colors, lots of designs, great, great, powerful prompts
and some other extras andbonuses in there.
As always, I appreciate you Ifyou're still on here.
(24:36):
I honor you, I honor your time.
I hope this was valuable.
If you would like to talk to meabout private coaching, I also
have a beta program, which isgoing to be a very special
opportunity for the people thatget in.
For if you are a leader,entrepreneur, creative, who is
(25:03):
ready to fully embrace yourpotential and explode the level
of confidence that you feel, soyou can show up in your business
in a whole new way, whetherthat is how you're showing up
online opportunities you'regoing for through your sales
(25:24):
calls, charging more throughyour sales calls, charging more
anything that is tied to you,fully showing up as your most
confident, self-assured self,fully in her purpose, in her
full expression.
This is for you.
It is going to be a betaopportunity, which means it will
(25:47):
have special pricing.
More than even the specialpricing, it's going to have
extra care and attention.
So, if you've never done a betaprogram before, I love when my
favorite coaches do a betaprogram, because I know how much
(26:08):
care and attention we get,because you really are helping
to build the program with thecoach, so I truly enjoy them.
So if you are interested inthat, you can send me an email
at info at Lisa Jeffscom.
I'll put you on the wait listor please book a breakthrough
(26:28):
call and then I can tell youright away if it's a fit or not
and we can get you set up forthat.
That's all for now.
Folks, I love you as always.
Let's stay connected.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Thank you for tuning into the Confident, connected
Leader podcast.
Lisa Jeffs is committed tohelping you break through
barriers and climb to newprofessional heights.
If today's episode inspired you, we'd be honored if you could
subscribe, rate and leave areview To stay updated with
practical tips and insights uson linkedin, instagram or
(27:09):
facebook.
You'll find all relevant links,including those for our
complimentary gifts andtrainings, in the show notes.
Until our next episode, embraceyour confidence and stay
connected.
Imagine feeling so guilty for saying no and
potentially disappointingsomeone, even though you've
already done so much.
You've been so busy, working sohard, yet you still feel the
(00:21):
guilt.
We're going to be diving intothis pattern on today's show.
This is such a common patternfor women and men who give a lot
, who are leaders, caregiversthe guilt of saying no.
Stick around, it's going to bea good one.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader
podcast, your premierdestination for breaking through
your current professionalbarriers.
Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend
limitations and achieve newlevels of professional success
beyond self-doubt, sabotage andburnout.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Welcome to the show, my leaders.
If you haven't noticed already,we have changed the color and
done a little bit of a brandrefresh on the podcast.
So we've gone from the purplecolor, which you know what I
still really like, but we'regoing with red now as a as we
focus more on awakenedconfidence, which is my
(01:32):
confidence framework.
There will be a book coming outsoon.
We're going with the color red.
So, and before I forget, if youhaven't seen, the newest
journal that we have released,self Love Journal for the Woman
(01:53):
who Gives a Lot is now availableon your local Amazon.
I will include the link for inthe show notes.
But, please, if you're ajournaler and you are a woman
who gives a lot and wants toopen up to receiving, being able
(02:14):
to receive more opportunities,more love, money, all the good
stuff that this world has tooffer, this is the journal for
you.
And a little caveat, men ifyou're hearing this, you can
also get the journal.
It will be applicable.
Okay, speaking of the journal,we are diving into a similar
(02:38):
topic.
How do we get rid of the guiltthat we feel as leaders, as
women and men who give a lot,when it's time to say no?
(02:59):
So we're going to be talkingmore about this topic.
Oh, other caveat before we getinto it If you have a question,
you can now go on to the podcastpage, the specific website page
.
You can find this link in myInstagram bio.
You can now text a question andthat question, if it's chosen,
(03:22):
will be answered on the podcast,and that question, if it's
chosen, will be answered on thepodcast.
Okay, so this is a really coolfeature.
If you have a burning question,drop it in, send a text and, if
it's chosen, we'll answer it onthe podcast.
So back to the guilty feelingso this may surprise you a
little bit of why we feel guilty.
(03:44):
Now, this isn't from a lack ofboundaries, right, a lack of
boundaries is part of thechallenge, it's part of the
issue, but it's not the core ofwhat's happening, right, the
core, when we really look at aninability to say no, we gotta go
(04:09):
back in time.
We have to look at the patternsthat you were experiencing, or
whoever that you know has thischallenge in childhood.
What were you experiencing thatyou know has this challenge in
childhood?
What were you experiencing?
(04:31):
That you now feel that youcan't say no or you feel guilty
about it.
So a common pattern that peopleget into especially for high
achievers, leaders, people whoget their validation by things
that they do is, if you were achild, who would get validated
(04:56):
from achieving you know, gettinggood grades or being a sports
star and you know getting allthe things which you know.
This is a common experience.
Many children get that.
Children get validation.
(05:17):
They get praise for doing good,for winning the gold medal, for
winning the gold star, forwinning the gold medal, for
winning the gold star.
If it's a pattern and you don'tget praise from your parents,
or you didn't get praise fromyour parents or you didn't get
praise from your caregivers whenyou didn't do well, so there
(05:41):
was no kind of I'm proud of youfor showing up and getting out
there and trying.
There's none of that Then youmay still have a.
(06:03):
You may want to be validated bywork that you're doing, going
the extra mile, winning the deal, type of experience, and this
can be very sticky to get out of.
(06:24):
The root of this is wanting tobe loved Right when we can
really peel back the layers.
I say this all the time thatwhen we peel back the layers of
our challenges and our problems,we can typically find two core
roots the need to feel love andthe need to feel safe.
(06:44):
Find two core roots the need tofeel love and the need to feel
safe.
So, if you are feeling guiltyfor saying no when someone is
asking you for something, I wantyou to ask yourself does this
have to do with me feeling likeI'm letting them down and if I
let them down?
Letting them down and if I letthem down, do I feel that this
(07:13):
is going to damage therelationship?
Even if consciously, you'relike that doesn't make sense.
I want you to move yourattention from your headspace
(07:33):
and almost see the energy.
If you can see yourself in yourmind's eye, if you're a visual
person just floating down,floating down into your heart
space and ask your.
Do I feel that if I say no andlet this person down, that this
relationship is going to bedamaged?
Now we also want to challengethe belief that we're letting
(07:58):
them down if we say no, becausethat's not always the case.
A healthy individual whounderstands that you have a life
and you need to prioritize yourwell-being and you have other
things going on in your life,will understand when you need to
say no as long as you areexpressing to them in a healthy
(08:24):
fashion and not like what I usedto do about 20, 25 years ago
when I was a youth.
I just told this story.
I'm not going to tell it againbecause I just told it.
It's going to be launched in aYouTube video soon, but I had
such a hard time saying no thatI would just avoid.
(08:48):
I would tell a person yes andthen I would just avoid them, I
wouldn't go, I wouldn't go out,I wouldn't do it, and it was
such a poor way of handling iteven though if I knew how to do
better at that time, I wouldhave.
(09:09):
So I'm sending myself lots oflove and compassion, but it
created so much more stress andanxiety and typically these
patterns do right.
They create so much more todeal with.
So much more to deal with.
(09:33):
So much the headaches galorewhen we can't say no and we
either end up doing something wedon't want to do, feeling
resentful for it, or we exhaustourselves.
(09:54):
So what's another reason whymany individuals leaders,
entrepreneurs, business ownershave challenges saying no?
There's also the fact of areyou terrified?
You're going to miss out?
Is there something you thinkyou will like?
I used to and I didn't reallyrealize it until I started to
(10:16):
dig in a little bit deeper andask myself.
Actually, it was someone that I,one of my mentors said suddenly
, and she said you know, lisa,you don't have to go to this
thing if you're feelingpressured.
And I thought for a minute, I'mlike pressured.
I'm not really one to bepressured.
You know, I am one wheremanipulation does not work Never
(10:43):
has, even when I was young, Ican see right through forms of
manipulation.
It just doesn't work at all.
So I, you know, I thought tomyself well, I'm not pressured,
nobody's pressuring me.
But I didn't realize I waspressuring myself.
It was me that was making thepressure, because I was scared I
(11:04):
was going to miss out on anopportunity.
I had a mindset like this wasthe thing, and if I missed this
thing, if it was an event Ididn't really want to go to.
But I felt pressured becausethere was people there that you
know had lots of connections andmaybe I would make some really
(11:24):
good connections and maybe thiswas a thing that would, you know
, blow up my business and allthese things.
And I realized that I was doingthat to myself.
And when you feel pressured togo anywhere that is not in
alignment for you.
It may be, the event still maybe something that could be in
(11:50):
alignment, but going in thatenergy is not in alignment.
You want to address thepressure.
You want to shift out of thatenergy.
So it could be.
Do you have a fear of missingout?
It could be.
Do you have a fear of missingout, do you have a fear of if
you're in a environment, a workenvironment, a corporate
(12:13):
environment and someone asks youto do something?
Do you have a fear that if yousay no, you're going to miss out
on opportunities?
You're going to miss out onsomething?
You really want to address this.
When we are the person who can'tsay no, we actually start to
devalue ourselves.
We appear less valuable inother people's eyes.
(12:37):
Always readily available andalways there to say yes, we lose
perceived value.
Now, that's not to say youalways want to say no, because
then you may lose a position aswell, because then people will
(13:00):
stop asking you or stop countingon you.
They'll kind of count you out.
If you're not, you know part ofyou're not engaging at all.
But a good rule of thumb isdon't say yes unless you have
the space and the bandwidth andare genuinely doing it because
(13:25):
there's a part of you that wantsto do it, whether you want to
help that person, or you want todo it because you think it's
going to be something that addssome dynamic to your work
experience.
But if you feel pressured oryou feel like you're going to
miss out, not a good directionto take Now.
(13:52):
The next one is are you worriedabout being perceived as
unhelpful?
Now there are many people againwho have been praised and who
have identified with the person.
That is very helpful.
(14:29):
This really leans into them forhelp.
They have a lot of good ideas,they can guide people, they're
very skilled at whatever they'redoing.
They have a lot of qualities ofqualities and they can be
(14:50):
someone that has, through theyears, gained validation through
being that type of a person.
And if they start saying no,there can be a worry that they
will no longer be perceived ashelpful.
And why does this matter?
If you're someone who still hassome healing to do, that isn't
fully accepting of themselves.
(15:13):
It is because they're scaredthat love may be taken away.
They don't want to be seen asunhelpful If unhelpful is the
way they perceive that theyreceive love, and that's what
happened when they were younger.
There can be a very largechallenge with saying no and not
(15:37):
being seen as helpful anymorebecause it's wrapped up in their
identity.
This is not a healthy identityto have, up in their identity.
This is not a healthy identityto have.
You can absolutely have theidentity as someone that is
helpful but also has firmboundaries.
So this was something that Iexperienced many, many times,
(16:01):
especially when I was in myyounger years.
So I'm thinking in my early, mylate teens, early twenties,
type of even in my twenties, youknow, I would have many people
call, call me on the phone andit was kind of like I was their
counselor, right, they wouldcall and they would talk and
(16:21):
they would have challenges, andI was great at supporting these.
People call and they would talkand they would have challenges
and I was great at supportingthese people.
I mean, this is one of mynatural gifts, being a coach,
being a counselor, which was myprior career but there wasn't a
giving and receiving.
It was a lot of guiding andcounseling and as soon as the
(16:44):
person would get what theyneeded, they would get off the
phone.
And this wasn't.
You know, I wasn't a victim ofthis.
I was in a dynamic where I wasnot honoring my boundaries and I
was not stating what I needed.
Part of me was gainingvalidation from being the one
(17:06):
that could help.
Now there was a point where thatshifted, because it got to the
point where I was exhausted.
I was on these calls.
It was just exhausting.
I still don't, to be honest,enjoy chatting for very long on
the phone.
Unless we are talking aboutsomething, a topic which is
(17:33):
really stimulates me, then Ienjoy it.
But the conversations I used tohave where it was more of an
individual or a friend just kindof looping around in the same
story, they didn't really wanthelp.
Is what I'm saying.
So when someone wants help andthey are receiving great
(17:56):
conversation, if someone's moreof an eventing experience and
you are someone who can't say noor set boundaries, it can go
over the limit and this is whenyou can be exhausted, and I've
talked to many people in thissituation.
(18:17):
Many clients have come to meand said that they start
resenting and it really isn'tthe other person's fault.
Now.
Obviously they're responsiblefor their own selves, but as
people who may have challengessetting boundaries, we have to
(18:38):
honor ourselves and respect that.
It's up to us to set theboundaries for us.
Nobody can do that for us,right?
So that's a big one.
That is one where it's reallyabout shifting your identity,
(18:59):
that you can still be someonethat is very helpful, that cares
deeply about your friends, yourloved ones.
You want to be there for them,but you are making sure to fill
your cup first.
Your cup needs to be filled,potentially overflowing, before
(19:20):
you can give out.
And last one, that it's stillrooted in.
The same validation is if you'reon a team or you have your team
and you're worried that if yousay no or if you don't show up
(19:43):
for something or set someboundaries, that you're going to
hinder their progress for thewhole team.
The whole team will suffer, andthis is really about
challenging that belief.
Is that true?
Are people going to sufferbecause you said no?
Is the progress going to beaffected if you say no and set
(20:05):
boundaries for your ownwell-being?
I do not.
I don't.
I don't believe that.
That's not a belief.
I hold that if you are honoringyour well-being, if you are
stating what you need to takingcare of yourself first, I do not
believe that will evernegatively affect something else
(20:29):
, because you are doing that inthe frequency and the energy of
care and love for you.
And I know it can be verychallenging if you're not used
(20:55):
to it, especially if you havetrauma around letting people
down around you know, whateveryour story is, if you have a
visceral reaction to some ofthese things, I highly suggest
getting support around it,whether that's through coaching,
(21:17):
whether that's through certaintrauma work potentially, because
when we don't honor ourboundaries and we can't say no,
this can lead to a lot of issues, not only in work but in our
(21:39):
health and our well-being.
And I promise you, when youstart to honor your boundaries
and you start to teach peoplehow to treat you, everything
shifts and changes and yourealize, oh, I can still have
amazing relationships work,family, romantic while honoring
(22:04):
myself.
And, in fact, when I honormyself and I learned to say no
and I learned that true lovedoes not come from me, having to
show up in a certain way and,you know, give all of myself to
(22:26):
everyone while denying myself.
Well, when I can challenge thatand really see the truth of the
situation and honor mywell-being and fill my cup so
it's overflowing, I teacheveryone else to do the same and
imagine how much the world isgoing to shift and change when
(22:47):
everyone is filling their owncup and they're so filled and
overflowing that they just wantto overflow on everyone else.
That sounds a little weird, butyou know what I mean.
You know what I mean, so I'mgoing to wrap it up.
If you have a question you wantme to ask it specifically,
(23:08):
please head on over, send me atext message.
Who's going to be the first one?
I just set that up right beforeI came on here.
It just showed up as an option.
So if you're listening to thissoon after this is published,
you may be the first one, andthat will guarantee, as long as
(23:31):
it's a question I can answer andan appropriate question, that
your question will be answered.
So don't wait, send me aquestion.
If you liked the journal, headon over to Amazon.
Lisa Jeff's self-love journalfor the woman who gives a lot,
or you can check the link in myInstagram or on the show notes.
(23:54):
Great gift for Mother's Day,even if you're buying it for
yourself, even if you're not amother, but it is truly a
wonderful gift if you have awoman in your life who gives a
lot, whether that's your wife orit's your mom, it's your
grandma, it's your daughter.
(24:15):
I made the journal specificallyso it's easy and fun to
navigate through.
Lots of colors, lots of designs, great, great, powerful prompts
and some other extras andbonuses in there.
As always, I appreciate you Ifyou're still on here.
(24:36):
I honor you, I honor your time.
I hope this was valuable.
If you would like to talk to meabout private coaching, I also
have a beta program, which isgoing to be a very special
opportunity for the people thatget in.
For if you are a leader,entrepreneur, creative, who is
(25:03):
ready to fully embrace yourpotential and explode the level
of confidence that you feel, soyou can show up in your business
in a whole new way, whetherthat is how you're showing up
online opportunities you'regoing for through your sales
(25:24):
calls, charging more throughyour sales calls, charging more
anything that is tied to you,fully showing up as your most
confident, self-assured self,fully in her purpose, in her
full expression.
This is for you.
It is going to be a betaopportunity, which means it will
(25:47):
have special pricing.
More than even the specialpricing, it's going to have
extra care and attention.
So, if you've never done a betaprogram before, I love when my
favorite coaches do a betaprogram, because I know how much
(26:08):
care and attention we get,because you really are helping
to build the program with thecoach, so I truly enjoy them.
So if you are interested inthat, you can send me an email
at info at Lisa Jeffscom.
I'll put you on the wait listor please book a breakthrough
(26:28):
call and then I can tell youright away if it's a fit or not
and we can get you set up forthat.
That's all for now.
Folks, I love you as always.
Let's stay connected.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Thank you for tuning into the Confident, connected
Leader podcast.
Lisa Jeffs is committed tohelping you break through
barriers and climb to newprofessional heights.
If today's episode inspired you, we'd be honored if you could
subscribe, rate and leave areview To stay updated with
practical tips and insights uson linkedin, instagram or
(27:09):
facebook.
You'll find all relevant links,including those for our
complimentary gifts andtrainings, in the show notes.
Until our next episode, embraceyour confidence and stay
connected.
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