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April 29, 2025 14 mins

I didn't expect to fail my midterm technical exam at my conservatoire, but the lessons I am learning from it have been so powerful. Here are a few. 

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Confident Musicianing
Podcast.
My name is Eleanor and I am aBritish American oboist studying
at the Royal Conservatoire ofScotland literally my dream
school and it took me a long wayto get there.
I applied and auditioned for 12schools in three different
countries.
It was a lot of hard work but,oh my gosh, so worth it.

(00:24):
I want you to have theconfidence to work hard in
achieving your goals, so comewith me as we go on this journey
together.
So sit down, pull up a chair,take a seat or, if you're on the
go, welcome to the ConfidentMusicianing Podcast.

(00:50):
When I started music school inSeptember last September I
didn't realize that I would failmy midterm technical exam and
it was definitely not on mybingo card.
And I was so surprised about itbecause I failed, not because I
wasn't focused enough or Iwasn't practicing enough.
Actually the opposite, Ioverworked myself, I did not
listen to my needs, and so whenI got into the practice or when
I got into the exam, even thoughI felt ready, it just fell

(01:13):
apart.
And that was a few months ago.
I have taken down the process.
I have a resit in about a monthand, honestly, I see this
situation as an opportunity togrow and an opportunity to work
through this and take thissecond chance.
So today I want to sit down andchat with you about some key

(01:33):
takeaways I have from thisentire process, because I think
not enough musicians talk abouttheir fails, and this is a big
fail and I want to chat with youabout it.
I recently posted a reel onInstagram I think I'm going to
post it on TikTok and YouTube,um about, and also, by the way,
if you want to like seeInstagram, my Instagram and my

(01:56):
TikTok, I will put it in thelinks down below in the
description and my YouTube,unless you're on YouTube.
Anyway, that's on the links,anyway.
So, yeah, so I put that onInstagram and I was really
nervous about it, but I thinkit's really important for

(02:16):
musicians, for anyone, to puttheir fails up as well as their
successes, if they'recomfortable with it, of course.
But I think that helps us bereal and vulnerable on the
internet.
So this is why we're chattingabout it.
So let's dive into this.
The first key takeaway is thisis not the end of the world.

(02:36):
When I got the message that Ihad failed, I thought it was the
end of the world.
I got a migraine.
I got a sad, stress-inducedmigraine that night and,
honestly, I just thought it wasall going to pot.
I was like this is it?
This is what the heck.
But the thing about it is, it'snot it.
You know, it's not the end ofthe world, and what I needed to

(02:59):
do was to be gentle and kind tomyself, and that's exactly what
I did.
And I think in times ofstruggle, in times of failure,
our way forward, our best wayforward, is empathy with
ourselves, and so I think thatthat's something that is really
important and I did, and I'mreally grateful I did, because
kindness was the way throughwith this.

(03:20):
But it isn't the end of theworld and I think if I thought
of it as the end of the worldand I continue to think of it as
the end of the world even afterI had been processing it then
that's that doesn't really showresilience.
You know, I mean like one, oneexam.
I'm going to have so many examsduring my conservatoire career

(03:43):
or conservatoire, you know time.
I'm going to have so many examsand if I fail the first one,
I'm like, well, that's it, thenthat's not, it's not going to be
good for me.
So I'm really excited about myreset.
Honestly, and I think thatthat's a big, important point,
this is not the end of the world.
So, whatever you're goingthrough, whether it is

(04:03):
music-wise, musical, you know,wise or music-related or not,
even if it feels like the end ofthe world, it's not the end of
the world.
It's not.
And the best way forward, Ithink, is empathy towards
ourselves and kindness.
Now, talking about empathy andkindness, the second point is

(04:23):
the idea.
Well, the second two points iswe're talking about actually
what went wrong.
What happened in our practice,like what went wrong, and I
think the first thing that wentwrong for me was I didn't take
care of me.
This is the second point.
I didn't take care of me.
I didn't take the time to focuson my playing because I enjoyed

(04:47):
it.
I just focused on playing likenot to fail, and so, because of
that, I didn't give myself anytime, any free time.
I honestly didn't.
I focused on quantity overquality.
I just put the hours ofpractice in.
But was I actually doingpractice?
Well, maybe, maybe not, becauseI hadn't focused on me.

(05:10):
So, inside, I was stressed, Iwas overwhelmed, I was
struggling, I was actuallyreally struggling mentally and I
didn't really reach out toanyone because I was too busy
practicing.
That's not any way to moveforward at all and that's part
of the reason why I failed.
Now, what I'm doing differentlynow, and what I encourage you to

(05:31):
do as well, is listening tomyself, taking care of myself.
Something that I do and this issomething that I do that I
really like now is that Imeditate every morning.
What I do is I focus on anysensations I have, because I

(05:51):
feel like stress can show up andyou can feel stress.
You feel stressed, you feel sad, you feel happy.
Where do you feel stressed?
I often feel stressed in mychest or my stomach, just
feeling those emotions beinglike okay, today I'm feeling a
little stressed and that's okay,and honoring that and

(06:13):
understanding that, rather thannot listening to that and just
diving into work to escape it.
And I think sitting with myfeelings is something that has
been really helpful for me towork through this section right,
taking care of me.
And I think taking care of me isnot just like I feel like when
we think of self-care, we thinkof, like you know, baths and I

(06:33):
don't know buying things and youknow all of these things, but I
think self-care is also justchecking in with yourself every
morning, being like how do Ireally feel and what can I do to
kind of make me feel a bitbetter if I don't feel the best,
and honoring that andunderstanding that.
And honoring that andunderstanding that and that's
something that I failed to dofor this exam, which ultimately

(06:55):
ended up in me failing the exam.
So I think for this, justchecking in with yourself, being
like, okay, you know, takingcare of myself, taking care of
my needs, hanging out withfriends you know, not everything
is oboe.
Yes, I'm focusing on oboe, butI don't want to over focus on
oboe.

(07:15):
And the third thing this is Ifeel like this is a very short
and like sweet episode um, thethird thing is putting joy into
my practice.
This is an interesting thingbecause when I was performing,
or when I was getting ready forthis exam, I had put all the
hours in.
I could play all the scales,but what was I focusing on when

(07:37):
I was playing the scales?
I was focusing on the notes.
I was focusing on the notes andyou know what note was the
highest?
Which note would I turn to goback down the scale or back up
and I was focusing on that.
What was I not focusing on?
The fact that I love to playthe oboe and it's.
It's an interesting idea becausewhen I got into the room, I was

(08:00):
scared and nervous and all of asudden, all that, you know, me
thinking okay, what, likefocusing on not not making
mistakes that just all went outthe window.
And so I was there and I feltkind of like.
I felt like I was like on myown with my Oboe.
What do I do?
Right?
And that's how it fell apart.
But what I didn't have was joy.

(08:22):
What I didn't have was joy andexcitement, and just genuine,
just genuine joy and excitement.
And it's interesting because now, when I'm thinking about it,
I'm like, okay, you know, when Iplay oboe, well, I feel joyous,
I feel excited, I feel warmth,I feel warmth right on my chest.
I feel like, you know, likethose lamps that you turn on,

(08:44):
they're like yellow light andit's just like, ah, really nice,
that's how I feel when I playoboe, well.
And I thought to myself, okay,well, I feel like that when I
play my oboe well, in likerecitals and auditions.
But why can't I feel like thatevery single time I practice.
Why can't I practice joy when Iplay my oboe?

(09:04):
And so now when I, when Ipractice, I think about okay,
how did I like let's, let'sthink about that joy, let's
think about those feelings.
And you know, I kind of likepurposefully cultivate that joy.
Let's think about thosefeelings.
And you know, I kind of likepurposefully cultivate that joy,
even if I might be having a badday, and I feel it and it's
genuine and it's, it's exciting.
And then I practice andhonestly, I really like it

(09:24):
because I'm not only practicingoboe, but I'm practicing playing
oboe in a joyous and happy way.
And you know it can be hard andit's.
You know you don't want to belike toxic positivity type thing
, but it's cultivating that joywhen you play over well, and
it's just like genuine right.
And I feel like it's interesting, because when I do that I often

(09:46):
feel quite tired.
After I'm like, oh my gosh,that was a big practice session
and I feel like I need to takemore breaks.
But the thing about it is, whenI am practicing I am feeling
joyous, I am feeling excited andI get better at the oboe.
You know what I mean.
I feel better and I play better, and so that's fine if I need

(10:06):
to take the breaks, because whenI practice it is solid, it is
focused and it is joyous.
And it's interesting becauseit's not just about joy, it's
solid, it is focused and it isjoyous.
And it's interesting because,you know, it's not just about
joy, it's not just about oh mygosh, I love the oboe, woohoo.
It's not that, it's more deep,because when I feel that way I
play better.
And it's interesting because Irealized this.

(10:27):
I recently recorded a birthdaymessage for a friend, because
when my friends have birthdays Ilike to record myself playing
the oboe, playing happy birthday, and send it to them.
And it's interesting because Idid two takes of this happy
birthday song, and the first oneI started out with joy and the
first two, like happy birthdays,were like full of joy.

(10:48):
And then when I got to thethird one where you go, we have
a low note and then an octavejump to the high note my mind
was like, oh my gosh, after thathigh note, I don't actually
remember which note I go to.
And as soon as my mind had thatthought, I went out of tune.
That jump, that octave jump,was out of tune.
And it's interesting because Iknow that I thought that and it

(11:09):
was out of tune.
And then in the second takethat I did, I didn't worry about
that note and I felt joyous andI felt excited and I just had
faith in myself that I wouldplay the right notes and I did
and that octave jump was so, sogood, it was in tune, it was, it

(11:29):
was, the tone was really good,like I'm so proud of that video.
And that's the difference, youknow, putting that joy into
practice.
It comes out of your instrumentdifferently, and so that's what
I'm really focusing on for this, for this reset.
I want a joyous exam Now, kindof moving into that and moving

(11:51):
into, like, the idea of joy andpractice.
I think a great way to practiceeffectively and efficiently is
to have a practice journal, andone of the practice journals
that I absolutely love is anotable practice journal, and
the thing that I love aboutnotable practice journals is not

(12:13):
only do they have a section forwriting in your practice, but
they also have a reflectionsection and with the reflection
section you can write how muchjoy did you feel?
Did you feel joy?
When did you feel joy?
Did you notice that?
When you didn't cultivate thatfeeling that maybe you didn't
play as well.

(12:33):
What did you struggle with?
What could you work on thisbetter?
All of these things right, andyou can like that reflection
section.
I think is so important to getbetter in the next few days or,
you know, in the future or eventhe next day.
So this notebook, this hasreally, really helped me in my

(12:55):
working towards my reset and Iknew, as soon as I knew that it
was working, I knew that I hadto give you a code and I knew
that I had to tell you about it.
So the code is ELEANOR15 for15% off your journal Use code.
Well, it's spelledE-L-E-A-N-O-R-1-5 for 15% off
your journal use code.
Oh, well, it's spellede-l-e-a-n-o-r-1-5 for 15 off

(13:16):
your journal.
And let's get practicing.
Let's focus.
Let's focus on quality overquantity and joy, and we can jot
that down in the notablepractice journal.
Honestly, it's really helpful.
All right, you know that Idon't recommend anything that I
don't absolutely love.
That code is an affiliate code,which means I do receive a

(13:37):
commission at no extra cost toyou.
Okay, let's do a recap.
Number one this is not the endof the world.
I am okay, and the best way towork through this is empathy
towards oneself.
The next thing is taking careof me, focusing on my needs
rather than just practice,practice, practice.
And the last thing is puttingjoy into practice.

(13:58):
Why are we playing ourinstruments if it's not because
we love them?
You know what I mean.
So there you go.
All right, that is about it forthis episode.
Thank you so much for hangingout with me.
I'm so excited about my reset.
Yeah, I'm a bit nervous, notgonna lie, but I mean we're
always nervous for everything.
You know it's all right, but Ican't wait to take you along

(14:21):
this journey.
I am going to document it on mysocial medias and I can also
talk a little bit about it onthe podcast as well.
But if you want to follow me onmy social medias, they will be
in the description below or theshow notes.
And, yeah, if you enjoyed thisepisode, please do show the love
, subscribe, like, comment,follow all the things and I will

(14:44):
see you in the next episode.
All right, take care.
Bye.
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