September 10, 2025 • 21 mins
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Season 2 Episode 14: Breaking the News: How to Talk to Kids About Divorce
Divorce conversations rank among parents' most dreaded responsibilities. Many couples delay separation for months or even years, fearing the impact on their children. This powerful episode tackles the question therapists hear most often: "How do we tell our kids?"
Starting with the foundation of presenting a united front, we explore why having both parents present for this conversation matters deeply. Children need to see that despite the end of the marriage, their parents remain committed to their wellbeing. We share practical guidance on gathering siblings together, preparing logistically, and using language that matches each child's developmental understanding.
One critical message emerges repeatedly throughout our discussion: children must understand they did not cause the divorce. Due to their developmental stage, young children especially tend to internalize blame for family changes - a phenomenon called "false causation fallacy." We share personal examples of how this manifests and provide language for addressing this misperception compassionately.
The conversation extends beyond the initial discussion, emphasizing that divorce communication represents an ongoing dialogue rather than a one-time event. We recommend regular check-ins, acknowledging that siblings may process the news differently, and identifying additional supportive adults who can provide stability during the transition period. Most importantly, we stress that protecting children's relationships with both parents serves as the cornerstone of healthy adjustment.
What parents often discover after careful preparation is that these conversations, while undeniably difficult, rarely prove as catastrophic as feared. With intention, compassion, and ongoing support, families navigate this transition while preserving what matters most: children's sense of security and their continued relationships with both parents. Leave us a review and share your experiences with navigating difficult family conversations.
Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari are the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists behind the Coupled Podcast. They both have private practices where they work with individuals, couples, and families in Florida. The two are ready to shake up the world of couples therapy and want to extend resources beyond the couples they see in their private practices.
If you like this episode and want to know more about taking the next step to improve your communication, connection, and intimacy, head over to our websites to learn more about our Staying Coupled and Getting Coupled courses. These online courses give you the flexibility to improve your relationship from the comfort and convenience of your home. The Staying Coupled course is for couples who want to do the work to connect, communicate, and have the healthiest relationship possible. The Getting Coupled course is for premarital couples wanting to learn the essentials for a successful marriage. Topics in both courses include the main issues couples face:
- Communication
- Family Boundaries
- Family Finances
- Sex
- Family Planning
- Division of Labor
- Couple Activities
For more information, visit drjennascott.com/courses or drnarijeter.com/courses
Disclaimer: This podcast is not a substitute for therapy. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to seek support from a licensed therapist in your state. Our relationship suggestions and content may not be applicable or advised for relationships with intimate partner violence (IPV). If you need resources, contact the Na
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the Coupled Podcast.
Last week we introduced thetopic of co-parenting and
offered some best practices.
For many parents, the scariestpart of divorce is hurting their
children.
Parents will wait months andsometimes years to initiate a
divorce because they dreadtelling their kids and losing
time with their children.
Once parents have made thedifficult decision to divorce or
(00:22):
separate, there are somesuggestions for how to
communicate this decision withyour children.
So on today's episode, we areoffering guidance on how to talk
to your kids about divorce.
Nari, open it up with somesuggestions.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Well, jenna, I'd like to say and I know this is the
same for you this is one of themost commonly asked questions I
get from couples when they arereally struggling in their
marriage or have decided todivorce.
One of the first things theywant to know is how do we tell
our kids?
There's so much fear andanxiety over telling their kids,
(00:56):
so I hope today I know we canoffer some really practical
applications for how to carry onthat conversation as much as
possible.
I would recommend that bothparents are present for the
conversation.
It sends like the message thatthey're on the same page and
also, if both parents aren'tpresent, it can start to make
(01:21):
children question like who's toblame?
Like why isn't there one parenthere?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
yeah, I think it also sends the message that, like,
we've been intentional aboutthis and we're gonna move
through this with care andintention, um, so I think it is
super important for the parentsto have conversations with one
another before sitting the kidsdown and to do that together.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Right, Absolutely.
Another kind of piece of thatis having all the children
together as much as possible.
I know sometimes there can be alarge age gap in the children
and it might make sense to talkto older children differently
than like much younger children.
But if you can have all thechildren present, you know them,
(02:11):
having that shared experienceand all hearing the same thing
and all being able to like askquestions and hear your answers
maybe to the other children'squestions.
I think that's all an importantpart of the process.
So during that time you want tocommunicate to your kids that
this was a decision that theparents made and that they will
be living apart, separating, or,if you feel comfortable, using
(02:32):
the word divorce, you can saythat also.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yeah, you want to acknowledge that this was a very
difficult decision and you caneven acknowledge that you're sad
about it and that the kidsmight be feeling many different
things and to really acknowledgethat any of those feelings are
valid anger, sadness, confusion,relief.
You know, I think it is reallyimportant to keep the focus on
(02:59):
the kids.
I oftentimes have parents comein during our sessions and talk
about, like I wanted to protectmy kids from my emotions and I
think it's okay to show someemotions to your kids, like I
think that's healthy, but youwant the focus to be about them
and tending to whatever emotionsand feelings are coming up for
them.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yes, absolutely.
Our children look up to us.
You know they need us to kindof be their rock.
They look at us to kind offigure out what emotions they
should feel.
So I think there is a way toshow sadness or regret without
like falling apart and then yourchildren feeling like they need
to comfort you right.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, like I feel like there's a lot of grief
involved with divorce and sosimilar to like a loss.
You know, I would tell parentsif the family is grieving a loss
, like you want to be able to bethere and show up for your kids
, but it's also okay to be sadabout the loss that you're
experiencing, and this is verymuch similar to that as well to
(04:07):
that as well, in line with allthe kids being present.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
And what I said earlier about maybe different
ages is keep the developmentalage of the child in mind.
So preschoolers may notunderstand what divorce and
separation actually mean.
You might say that you knowmommy and daddy, or you know we,
the parents, won't be living inthe same house anymore, right?
So they won't get what thatmeans.
(04:30):
So you actually have to presentit in a way of how does that
directly affect them?
So we won't be living in thesame house.
You will have a bedroom inmommy's house and you will have
a bedroom in daddy's house.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Yeah, you want to use that like age appropriate
language so that they canunderstand.
I think a lot of times kids arenot surprised by this decision,
you know, if they're older.
But sometimes kids aresurprised.
So you have to kind of go intoit knowing, like, what is the
age of my child?
Like, how much have they beenprepped for this?
And sometimes families, likeyou know, mom and dad might have
(05:04):
been living in or sleeping inseparate bedrooms, like there
might have been distance.
But like other times I'veworked with families and like
sometimes these decisions feellike a lot more abrupt, like so
we've talked a lot aboutinfidelity on this podcast, but
if somebody discovers an affair,you know, sometimes it's just
like, oh, I've discovered anaffair, like we're going to get
(05:25):
divorced, like, and so thesethings feel very sudden.
So just keeping some of thosepieces of the puzzle in mind
when you're bringing up theseconversations are helpful Along
the lines of the developmentallyappropriate piece.
Children, especially youngchildren, are very egocentric.
(05:47):
So what this means is liketheir prefrontal cortex is not
fully developed.
Their world is about them, soit's hard for them to sometimes
like take the perspective of theother.
So what we know is whenbringing up divorce and these
types of things.
Sometimes people or kidsinternalize this as like oh no,
this is about me, or I causedthis.
(06:08):
They make everything about them, not because they're selfish,
it's just their brains howthey're wired at that age.
So one of the things that is soimportant is that you assure
the kids that they are not thereason for the divorce, that the
divorce was not caused by them,and this is something that's
(06:29):
important to say during thisconversation, but also to come
back to to over and over again.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah, jenna, I have a personal experience of that, so
that kids thinking they causedthe divorce.
It's actually a phenomenon,like we talk about in child
development called the falsecausation fallacy, where they
think if one thing happens andthen something else happens, the
one thing caused the other one.
(06:56):
And I remember when my parentstold me that they were getting a
divorce, I was probably likefive years old, four years old
somewhere around there and I hadjust gotten in trouble a couple
of days before and you know Ididn't like getting in trouble.
But I remember asking my mom areyou guys getting a divorce?
Because I was bad and I thinkthat really caught my mom off
(07:18):
guard.
But I remember feeling theweight of that and now looking
back, obviously I know thatwasn't true, but that's the way
most children's brain worksRight, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
So just like knowing that is so important and
speaking to that.
So even if you're like I don'tthink my kid is going to think
that this is about them, justadd it as a step to this
conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Right, exactly, I think one of the critical
factors as well to like thelong-term development of your
children is never telling themthe reason behind the divorce.
Now, that's really easy forparents to absorb when they have
younger children, but I thinkthis should continue to go
(08:02):
throughout the life.
The why of divorce essentiallyputs children in the situation
where they may feel like theyhave to pick sides right and so
they don't really need to knowwhy.
I know why sometimes helps usprocess things, but if you can
(08:24):
keep it general to things likewell, you know, we just decided
that that was best for us orbest for our family.
But the best gift you can giveyour children after divorce is
the freedom to love both theirparents as much as they want,
right, without interference orpressure of opinion or thoughts.
(08:47):
And so just because someonewasn't a good partner to you
doesn't mean they're not a goodparent, mean they're not a good
parent.
And also remember your childrensee their parents through
different eyes, through adifferent framework of what
makes a good parent versus agood partner.
So, keeping things general,we've decided we're moving
(09:10):
forward.
I think those are all thethings you really need to say
and honestly, I remember being akid and asking my mom why did
you get a divorce?
Why did you get a divorce?
And she kept telling me I'lltell you when you're older and
that was like a delay tactic.
But then, once I got older, Ikind of just figured it out
right, I started to have my ownrelationships and dating and I
(09:33):
just realized like sometimespeople aren't a good fit or you
know and so then I stoppedasking that question.
It didn't matter, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
And I think, like, if kids are insistent, I do think,
like, sometimes just like vaguelanguage, of like we grew apart
or you know, just like, but you, you absolutely want to protect
the relationship that yourchildren have with each parent.
One other thing that we want tobring up is that the
(10:03):
conversation should be focusedon your children.
So we spoke before about it'sokay to show emotions during
those conversations.
It's okay to acknowledge that,like mommy and daddy, or mommy
and mommy or daddy and daddy areupset about this decision or
we're sad about this, but youwant to keep the focus on your
(10:23):
children, and it's okay to say,like this is something that is
going to be upsetting foreverybody.
And this is where you also wantto just like, like, demonstrate
that you are open to havingthese conversations again and
(10:44):
again, that you're open to arange of emotions that might
come up too.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah, you brought up a good point, Jenna.
I think some parents are sofocused on getting over this
really hard first conversationthat they are very hesitant to
bring it up again.
And so I will often remindparents.
I'll say, well, how did theconversation go?
And they will say, oh, it wasfine, Like the kids took it as
(11:10):
best as could be expected andI'm like great, Ask them again
next week.
Ask them the week after.
Just because they seem okaydoesn't mean they're not having
feelings, right.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
And that's what I've realized in working with couples
who are what I call on thebrink of divorce, or even
working with individuals who areconsidering a divorce.
Sometimes they will beconsidering this for years
because they're so afraid oflosing time with their children
and of having this conversation,and so I think they focus on,
(11:43):
like, the sitting down andopening the floor for this
discussion, but they forget that, like, this is one of hopefully
many discussions with your kids, because this is not just one
thing that you can address andthen you know everything is
groovy after that.
Like this is something you haveto return to and have check-ins
(12:06):
and hopefully other like familymeetings too.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Right, exactly, I think, in preparation for that
conversation.
Like you said, jenna, talkingto couples.
Sometimes, as soon as couplesdecide they want a divorce, they
want to tell their kids and I'mlike wait, wait, wait, they're
going to have questions.
Yeah, you got to be intentional.
Right and so I know you can'tpredict, like, the whole future,
but they're going to ask youwhere are you living?
(12:33):
Where's my other parent living,like, how are we going to have
to move, like, are we movingschools?
I advise couples, wait untilyou have some of the logistics
figured out, because you'redropping kind of this bomb on
your kids and they're going tohave all these questions which
they deserve to have, which isvery normal.
But then if you follow up withI don't know, I don't know, I
(12:56):
don't know or we'll see, thatcreates a lot of anxiety right.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Yeah, I think it's so important to work out those
logistics ahead of time andanticipate the questions ahead
of time.
And you want to go into thisconversation being able to offer
reassurance.
So that looks like we are stillgoing to love and care about
you the same amount that we dotoday.
(13:21):
Right now, that will not change.
And then you want to outline tothem what will change.
So you know, like you saidbefore, you will sleep in this
bed here.
You want to have livingarrangements worked out where
they will sleep, have thesefriends.
(13:46):
These are still theextracurriculars.
You will have A lot of folkswho I work with who are doing
co-parenting, still share thesame babysitters, like.
You want to outline everythingthat will remain consistent
Grammy's still going to pick youup on Tuesdays from school,
like.
Outline everything that willstay the same.
Give them a heads up on whatwill change and make sure you
work out just some of thoselogistics ahead of time.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Yes, absolutely.
I love all those tips, jenna.
You know the research has beenpretty consistent that kids can
do long-term.
They can do really well afterdivorce.
But one of those big factors isthe quality of the relationship
they have with both of theirparents.
(14:28):
Now, I grew up in the 80s andthe kind of legal view of who
kids should be around in the 80swas the mom.
The mom should be the primaryparent.
So what that meant was a lot ofchildren of divorce in the 80s
didn't have relationships withtheir dads of divorce in the 80s
(14:48):
didn't have relationships withtheir dads.
They had like an every otherweekend maybe kind of visitation
schedule with their dad.
But now, for example, here inthe state of Florida, we have
kind of like a default sharedparenting statute in our divorce
laws.
So basically, unless you canprove that a parent has been
unfit or is neglectful orabusive, the state is taking a
(15:10):
stance and saying what's best isfor children to have a
relationship and visitation withboth parents.
So you want to make sure that,on the emotional side of things,
you are communicating to yourkids that you want them to have
a relationship with both parentsand that you're encouraging
that, also telling them I neverwant you to feel like you have
(15:33):
to take sides and if you feelthat way, I want you to tell me.
Like you know, I think that'sone thing about this whole
conversation we're having istelling your kids oh, we can
talk about these things ishelpful, but also then, like
encouraging them asking doesthis particular issue make you
feel like you're having tochoose sides?
(15:54):
Right?
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Yeah, making sure you're approachable to your kids
, one of the things.
As we're talking about this, Ijust realized like I feel like
I've been offering thisrecommendation to a lot of
families who are going throughthis because I think initially,
like parents will be like, okay,what do I need to tell my kids?
And then they ask me like do Ineed to put them in therapy
right away?
I'm like sometimes kids do likeadjust really well to this
(16:16):
transition.
We usually I usually tellpeople like give it a year,
usually by a year, like familiesfind their homeostasis.
But one of the recommendationsI usually suggest like you don't
have to immediately sign yourkids up for therapy If they're
asking for it.
Great, that's a green light.
But one of the things I askparents is like is there
(16:39):
somebody in your kid's life whojust like thinks the best of
your child is almost like amentor?
It could be a coach, a teacher.
Can you have that person spenda little bit more time with your
kiddo during this transition?
Somebody who's not one of theparents, somebody who they can
just talk to, get ice cream with, like whatever activity they
(17:01):
enjoy having that person bepresent for them so that they
have that solid relationship.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
I always say you can never havetoo many people in your life to
like, love you and care for youright.
I think another part of that,Jenna, where you talked about
like this, isn't going to change.
You mentioned grandparents.
I know my grandparents werelike, very like, very like
important in my upbringing andmy mom made sure that I still
(17:31):
saw my paternal grandparents asmuch as I wanted to.
So, even though they weren'ther parents, once my parents
divorced, my mom made sure Icould go to them on weekends.
She invited them to all oursporting events or all our plays
, and so having my momfacilitate that relationship
with her basically ex-in-lawswas really, really helpful, and
(17:56):
so my dad wasn't living aroundat that time, so that really
made me feel loved.
It didn't make my family feel sofractured to still have those
people included in my life.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah, I love that example.
One of the other things wetalked about, like when you sit
down with your kids trying tohave the siblings present, I do
just want to say one of thethings that might come up is
that siblings might responddifferently.
So one might kind of seem likethey're unaffected, the other
one might just be like a puddleof tears.
(18:30):
And so just also anticipatingthat siblings, based on their
developmental age or just basedon a plethora of reasons, might
respond or react differently, sothat can just be a helpful
thing to anticipate Absolutely.
And so when you are going backand saying I'm approachable, you
might, you know, you can havesome family check-ins, but you
(18:50):
might also want to have sometime with each kid individually
because they might beexperiencing things differently.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Right.
I would also say part of thistoo, jenna, is to let the
siblings know that they can leanon each other.
I know again personal example,but my brother and I talked a
lot about like what weexperienced with our parents
growing up and I felt like noone else understood but him.
We had that shared experience.
So I think another resource isjust telling the kids talk to
(19:23):
each other, lean into each other, like these are your friends,
these are your peers, they'rehaving the same experience.
I don't need to know about it,you don't need to tell me
anything.
Those are your privateconversations, but use each
other as support.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Yeah, and I do think that's often the case that, like
that, sibling bond can bestrengthened during that time.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Right.
Well, Jenna, we have a lot ofempathy.
We know this is a reallychallenging conversation.
(20:10):
Parents dread it.
I have some parents tell methey still remember the
relationship with love and stillconsider yourself a family.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Yeah, like some of the feedback I do get when we do
a lot of this prep and havecouples be intentional about
these conversations, I dotypically find that they're like
it wasn't as bad as I made itup to be in my mind, and so I
try to just empower them to say,like you can have these
difficult conversations andencourage them to continue to
(20:35):
check in and keep having thoseconversations with their
children.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Well, that's it for today.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode and, as always, please
send us some feedback or leaveus a review on any platform
where you listen to our podcast.
Welcome back to the Coupled Podcast.
Last week we introduced thetopic of co-parenting and
offered some best practices.
For many parents, the scariestpart of divorce is hurting their
children.
Parents will wait months andsometimes years to initiate a
divorce because they dreadtelling their kids and losing
time with their children.
Once parents have made thedifficult decision to divorce or
(00:22):
separate, there are somesuggestions for how to
communicate this decision withyour children.
So on today's episode, we areoffering guidance on how to talk
to your kids about divorce.
Nari, open it up with somesuggestions.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Well, jenna, I'd like to say and I know this is the
same for you this is one of themost commonly asked questions I
get from couples when they arereally struggling in their
marriage or have decided todivorce.
One of the first things theywant to know is how do we tell
our kids?
There's so much fear andanxiety over telling their kids,
(00:56):
so I hope today I know we canoffer some really practical
applications for how to carry onthat conversation as much as
possible.
I would recommend that bothparents are present for the
conversation.
It sends like the message thatthey're on the same page and
also, if both parents aren'tpresent, it can start to make
(01:21):
children question like who's toblame?
Like why isn't there one parenthere?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
yeah, I think it also sends the message that, like,
we've been intentional aboutthis and we're gonna move
through this with care andintention, um, so I think it is
super important for the parentsto have conversations with one
another before sitting the kidsdown and to do that together.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Right, Absolutely.
Another kind of piece of thatis having all the children
together as much as possible.
I know sometimes there can be alarge age gap in the children
and it might make sense to talkto older children differently
than like much younger children.
But if you can have all thechildren present, you know them,
(02:11):
having that shared experienceand all hearing the same thing
and all being able to like askquestions and hear your answers
maybe to the other children'squestions.
I think that's all an importantpart of the process.
So during that time you want tocommunicate to your kids that
this was a decision that theparents made and that they will
be living apart, separating, or,if you feel comfortable, using
(02:32):
the word divorce, you can saythat also.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yeah, you want to acknowledge that this was a very
difficult decision and you caneven acknowledge that you're sad
about it and that the kidsmight be feeling many different
things and to really acknowledgethat any of those feelings are
valid anger, sadness, confusion,relief.
You know, I think it is reallyimportant to keep the focus on
(02:59):
the kids.
I oftentimes have parents comein during our sessions and talk
about, like I wanted to protectmy kids from my emotions and I
think it's okay to show someemotions to your kids, like I
think that's healthy, but youwant the focus to be about them
and tending to whatever emotionsand feelings are coming up for
them.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yes, absolutely.
Our children look up to us.
You know they need us to kindof be their rock.
They look at us to kind offigure out what emotions they
should feel.
So I think there is a way toshow sadness or regret without
like falling apart and then yourchildren feeling like they need
to comfort you right.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, like I feel like there's a lot of grief
involved with divorce and sosimilar to like a loss.
You know, I would tell parentsif the family is grieving a loss
, like you want to be able to bethere and show up for your kids
, but it's also okay to be sadabout the loss that you're
experiencing, and this is verymuch similar to that as well to
(04:07):
that as well, in line with allthe kids being present.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
And what I said earlier about maybe different
ages is keep the developmentalage of the child in mind.
So preschoolers may notunderstand what divorce and
separation actually mean.
You might say that you knowmommy and daddy, or you know we,
the parents, won't be living inthe same house anymore, right?
So they won't get what thatmeans.
(04:30):
So you actually have to presentit in a way of how does that
directly affect them?
So we won't be living in thesame house.
You will have a bedroom inmommy's house and you will have
a bedroom in daddy's house.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Yeah, you want to use that like age appropriate
language so that they canunderstand.
I think a lot of times kids arenot surprised by this decision,
you know, if they're older.
But sometimes kids aresurprised.
So you have to kind of go intoit knowing, like, what is the
age of my child?
Like, how much have they beenprepped for this?
And sometimes families, likeyou know, mom and dad might have
(05:04):
been living in or sleeping inseparate bedrooms, like there
might have been distance.
But like other times I'veworked with families and like
sometimes these decisions feellike a lot more abrupt, like so
we've talked a lot aboutinfidelity on this podcast, but
if somebody discovers an affair,you know, sometimes it's just
like, oh, I've discovered anaffair, like we're going to get
(05:25):
divorced, like, and so thesethings feel very sudden.
So just keeping some of thosepieces of the puzzle in mind
when you're bringing up theseconversations are helpful Along
the lines of the developmentallyappropriate piece.
Children, especially youngchildren, are very egocentric.
(05:47):
So what this means is liketheir prefrontal cortex is not
fully developed.
Their world is about them, soit's hard for them to sometimes
like take the perspective of theother.
So what we know is whenbringing up divorce and these
types of things.
Sometimes people or kidsinternalize this as like oh no,
this is about me, or I causedthis.
(06:08):
They make everything about them, not because they're selfish,
it's just their brains howthey're wired at that age.
So one of the things that is soimportant is that you assure
the kids that they are not thereason for the divorce, that the
divorce was not caused by them,and this is something that's
(06:29):
important to say during thisconversation, but also to come
back to to over and over again.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah, jenna, I have a personal experience of that, so
that kids thinking they causedthe divorce.
It's actually a phenomenon,like we talk about in child
development called the falsecausation fallacy, where they
think if one thing happens andthen something else happens, the
one thing caused the other one.
(06:56):
And I remember when my parentstold me that they were getting a
divorce, I was probably likefive years old, four years old
somewhere around there and I hadjust gotten in trouble a couple
of days before and you know Ididn't like getting in trouble.
But I remember asking my mom areyou guys getting a divorce?
Because I was bad and I thinkthat really caught my mom off
(07:18):
guard.
But I remember feeling theweight of that and now looking
back, obviously I know thatwasn't true, but that's the way
most children's brain worksRight, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
So just like knowing that is so important and
speaking to that.
So even if you're like I don'tthink my kid is going to think
that this is about them, justadd it as a step to this
conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Right, exactly, I think one of the critical
factors as well to like thelong-term development of your
children is never telling themthe reason behind the divorce.
Now, that's really easy forparents to absorb when they have
younger children, but I thinkthis should continue to go
(08:02):
throughout the life.
The why of divorce essentiallyputs children in the situation
where they may feel like theyhave to pick sides right and so
they don't really need to knowwhy.
I know why sometimes helps usprocess things, but if you can
(08:24):
keep it general to things likewell, you know, we just decided
that that was best for us orbest for our family.
But the best gift you can giveyour children after divorce is
the freedom to love both theirparents as much as they want,
right, without interference orpressure of opinion or thoughts.
(08:47):
And so just because someonewasn't a good partner to you
doesn't mean they're not a goodparent, mean they're not a good
parent.
And also remember your childrensee their parents through
different eyes, through adifferent framework of what
makes a good parent versus agood partner.
So, keeping things general,we've decided we're moving
(09:10):
forward.
I think those are all thethings you really need to say
and honestly, I remember being akid and asking my mom why did
you get a divorce?
Why did you get a divorce?
And she kept telling me I'lltell you when you're older and
that was like a delay tactic.
But then, once I got older, Ikind of just figured it out
right, I started to have my ownrelationships and dating and I
(09:33):
just realized like sometimespeople aren't a good fit or you
know and so then I stoppedasking that question.
It didn't matter, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
And I think, like, if kids are insistent, I do think,
like, sometimes just like vaguelanguage, of like we grew apart
or you know, just like, but you, you absolutely want to protect
the relationship that yourchildren have with each parent.
One other thing that we want tobring up is that the
(10:03):
conversation should be focusedon your children.
So we spoke before about it'sokay to show emotions during
those conversations.
It's okay to acknowledge that,like mommy and daddy, or mommy
and mommy or daddy and daddy areupset about this decision or
we're sad about this, but youwant to keep the focus on your
(10:23):
children, and it's okay to say,like this is something that is
going to be upsetting foreverybody.
And this is where you also wantto just like, like, demonstrate
that you are open to havingthese conversations again and
(10:44):
again, that you're open to arange of emotions that might
come up too.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah, you brought up a good point, Jenna.
I think some parents are sofocused on getting over this
really hard first conversationthat they are very hesitant to
bring it up again.
And so I will often remindparents.
I'll say, well, how did theconversation go?
And they will say, oh, it wasfine, Like the kids took it as
(11:10):
best as could be expected andI'm like great, Ask them again
next week.
Ask them the week after.
Just because they seem okaydoesn't mean they're not having
feelings, right.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
And that's what I've realized in working with couples
who are what I call on thebrink of divorce, or even
working with individuals who areconsidering a divorce.
Sometimes they will beconsidering this for years
because they're so afraid oflosing time with their children
and of having this conversation,and so I think they focus on,
(11:43):
like, the sitting down andopening the floor for this
discussion, but they forget that, like, this is one of hopefully
many discussions with your kids, because this is not just one
thing that you can address andthen you know everything is
groovy after that.
Like this is something you haveto return to and have check-ins
(12:06):
and hopefully other like familymeetings too.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Right, exactly, I think, in preparation for that
conversation.
Like you said, jenna, talkingto couples.
Sometimes, as soon as couplesdecide they want a divorce, they
want to tell their kids and I'mlike wait, wait, wait, they're
going to have questions.
Yeah, you got to be intentional.
Right and so I know you can'tpredict, like, the whole future,
but they're going to ask youwhere are you living?
(12:33):
Where's my other parent living,like, how are we going to have
to move, like, are we movingschools?
I advise couples, wait untilyou have some of the logistics
figured out, because you'redropping kind of this bomb on
your kids and they're going tohave all these questions which
they deserve to have, which isvery normal.
But then if you follow up withI don't know, I don't know, I
(12:56):
don't know or we'll see, thatcreates a lot of anxiety right.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Yeah, I think it's so important to work out those
logistics ahead of time andanticipate the questions ahead
of time.
And you want to go into thisconversation being able to offer
reassurance.
So that looks like we are stillgoing to love and care about
you the same amount that we dotoday.
(13:21):
Right now, that will not change.
And then you want to outline tothem what will change.
So you know, like you saidbefore, you will sleep in this
bed here.
You want to have livingarrangements worked out where
they will sleep, have thesefriends.
(13:46):
These are still theextracurriculars.
You will have A lot of folkswho I work with who are doing
co-parenting, still share thesame babysitters, like.
You want to outline everythingthat will remain consistent
Grammy's still going to pick youup on Tuesdays from school,
like.
Outline everything that willstay the same.
Give them a heads up on whatwill change and make sure you
work out just some of thoselogistics ahead of time.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Yes, absolutely.
I love all those tips, jenna.
You know the research has beenpretty consistent that kids can
do long-term.
They can do really well afterdivorce.
But one of those big factors isthe quality of the relationship
they have with both of theirparents.
(14:28):
Now, I grew up in the 80s andthe kind of legal view of who
kids should be around in the 80swas the mom.
The mom should be the primaryparent.
So what that meant was a lot ofchildren of divorce in the 80s
didn't have relationships withtheir dads of divorce in the 80s
(14:48):
didn't have relationships withtheir dads.
They had like an every otherweekend maybe kind of visitation
schedule with their dad.
But now, for example, here inthe state of Florida, we have
kind of like a default sharedparenting statute in our divorce
laws.
So basically, unless you canprove that a parent has been
unfit or is neglectful orabusive, the state is taking a
(15:10):
stance and saying what's best isfor children to have a
relationship and visitation withboth parents.
So you want to make sure that,on the emotional side of things,
you are communicating to yourkids that you want them to have
a relationship with both parentsand that you're encouraging
that, also telling them I neverwant you to feel like you have
(15:33):
to take sides and if you feelthat way, I want you to tell me.
Like you know, I think that'sone thing about this whole
conversation we're having istelling your kids oh, we can
talk about these things ishelpful, but also then, like
encouraging them asking doesthis particular issue make you
feel like you're having tochoose sides?
(15:54):
Right?
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Yeah, making sure you're approachable to your kids
, one of the things.
As we're talking about this, Ijust realized like I feel like
I've been offering thisrecommendation to a lot of
families who are going throughthis because I think initially,
like parents will be like, okay,what do I need to tell my kids?
And then they ask me like do Ineed to put them in therapy
right away?
I'm like sometimes kids do likeadjust really well to this
(16:16):
transition.
We usually I usually tellpeople like give it a year,
usually by a year, like familiesfind their homeostasis.
But one of the recommendationsI usually suggest like you don't
have to immediately sign yourkids up for therapy If they're
asking for it.
Great, that's a green light.
But one of the things I askparents is like is there
(16:39):
somebody in your kid's life whojust like thinks the best of
your child is almost like amentor?
It could be a coach, a teacher.
Can you have that person spenda little bit more time with your
kiddo during this transition?
Somebody who's not one of theparents, somebody who they can
just talk to, get ice cream with, like whatever activity they
(17:01):
enjoy having that person bepresent for them so that they
have that solid relationship.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
I always say you can never havetoo many people in your life to
like, love you and care for youright.
I think another part of that,Jenna, where you talked about
like this, isn't going to change.
You mentioned grandparents.
I know my grandparents werelike, very like, very like
important in my upbringing andmy mom made sure that I still
(17:31):
saw my paternal grandparents asmuch as I wanted to.
So, even though they weren'ther parents, once my parents
divorced, my mom made sure Icould go to them on weekends.
She invited them to all oursporting events or all our plays
, and so having my momfacilitate that relationship
with her basically ex-in-lawswas really, really helpful, and
(17:56):
so my dad wasn't living aroundat that time, so that really
made me feel loved.
It didn't make my family feel sofractured to still have those
people included in my life.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah, I love that example.
One of the other things wetalked about, like when you sit
down with your kids trying tohave the siblings present, I do
just want to say one of thethings that might come up is
that siblings might responddifferently.
So one might kind of seem likethey're unaffected, the other
one might just be like a puddleof tears.
(18:30):
And so just also anticipatingthat siblings, based on their
developmental age or just basedon a plethora of reasons, might
respond or react differently, sothat can just be a helpful
thing to anticipate Absolutely.
And so when you are going backand saying I'm approachable, you
might, you know, you can havesome family check-ins, but you
(18:50):
might also want to have sometime with each kid individually
because they might beexperiencing things differently.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Right.
I would also say part of thistoo, jenna, is to let the
siblings know that they can leanon each other.
I know again personal example,but my brother and I talked a
lot about like what weexperienced with our parents
growing up and I felt like noone else understood but him.
We had that shared experience.
So I think another resource isjust telling the kids talk to
(19:23):
each other, lean into each other, like these are your friends,
these are your peers, they'rehaving the same experience.
I don't need to know about it,you don't need to tell me
anything.
Those are your privateconversations, but use each
other as support.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Yeah, and I do think that's often the case that, like
that, sibling bond can bestrengthened during that time.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Right.
Well, Jenna, we have a lot ofempathy.
We know this is a reallychallenging conversation.
(20:10):
Parents dread it.
I have some parents tell methey still remember the
relationship with love and stillconsider yourself a family.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Yeah, like some of the feedback I do get when we do
a lot of this prep and havecouples be intentional about
these conversations, I dotypically find that they're like
it wasn't as bad as I made itup to be in my mind, and so I
try to just empower them to say,like you can have these
difficult conversations andencourage them to continue to
(20:35):
check in and keep having thoseconversations with their
children.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Well, that's it for today.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode and, as always, please
send us some feedback or leaveus a review on any platform
where you listen to our podcast.
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