Crafting Healthy Conflict: The Art of Fair Fighting For Couples

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Season 2 Episode 7: Crafting Healthy Conflict: The Art of Fair Fighting For Couples

Ever wondered if your arguments are normal or if they're slowly destroying your relationship? Whether you're having full-blown shouting matches or tense conversations where neither of you feels heard, this episode dives into the truth about conflict in healthy relationships.

Contrary to popular belief, a completely conflict-free relationship isn't necessarily a healthy one. As we reveal, couples who "never fight" often aren't addressing important issues, leading to buried resentment and disconnection. The key isn't avoiding disagreements but learning to navigate them productively through what therapists call "fair fighting."

We break down essential fair fighting rules that transform destructive arguments into growth opportunities. You'll learn why proper "I statements" focus on specific behaviors rather than character attacks, how "kitchen-sinking" (bringing up months of grievances at once) derails productive conversations, and why soft startups prevent unnecessary escalation. We also address the importance of respecting emotional triggers, monitoring body language, and recognizing when to take a pause.

Most importantly, we provide practical guidance for creating personalized fair fighting rules tailored to your unique relationship. These aren't just theoretical concepts—they're actionable strategies couples can post on their refrigerator as reminders during heated moments. Whether conflict makes you uncomfortable or you're the partner who doesn't shy away from confrontation, these guidelines create a framework where both people feel safe expressing concerns.

Ready to transform your conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection? Listen now, then sit down with your partner to develop your own list of fair fighting rules specific to your relationship dynamics.

Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari are the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists behind the  Coupled Podcast. They both have private practices where they work with individuals, couples, and families in Florida. The two are ready to shake up the world of couples therapy and want to extend resources beyond the couples they see in their private practices. 

If you like this episode and want to know more about taking the next step to improve your communication, connection, and intimacy, head over to our websites to learn more about our Staying Coupled and Getting Coupled courses. These online courses give you the flexibility to improve your relationship from the comfort and convenience of your home. The Staying Coupled course is for couples who want to do the work to connect, communicate, and have the healthiest relationship possible. The Getting Coupled course is for premarital couples wanting to learn the essentials for a successful marriage. Topics in both courses include the main issues couples face:

1. Communication​
2. Family Boundaries
3. Family Finances
4. Sex
5. Family Planning
6. Division of Labor
7. Couple Activities

For more information, visit drjennascott.com/courses or drnarijeter.com/courses

Disclaimer: This podcast is not a substitute for therapy. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to seek support from a licensed therapist in your state. Our relationship suggestions and content may not be applicable or advised for relationships with intimate partner violence (IPV). If you need resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi and welcome to the Coupled Podcast.
Today we are going to talkabout conflict.
Conflict is a pretty broad termand many people have different
definitions or idea of whatconflict is.
Jenna, I'll often see peopledescribe conflict as an argument
, whereas other people aresaying we're just having a

(00:23):
conversation.
So when we start talking aboutconflict, it's a pretty
complicated thing.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
It is absolutely so.
I think it's.
You know, one of the things Ioften ask couples is like, just
tell me what conflict looks likein therapy.
And if I start to sense thatthings are getting heated with
couples, I will ask them likewould you say that this is what
conflict looks like outside ofhere?
So I think sometimes justhaving a sense of like what

(00:50):
conflict looks like in yourrelationship and what you would
label as conflict is helpful.
I think a lot of times peoplewill seek out couples therapy
because there's conflict, and Ialways say like conflict is
healthy, it is normal.
I think it can help you solveyour problems.
Like, if couples don'texperience any conflict,

(01:12):
sometimes I'm finding thatthey're just not addressing the
things that need to be addressed.
So I think it is important tohave conflict.
It can help couples connectafter having conflict and they
work through it.
What we're trying to do astherapists is to have people
engage in like what we callhealthy conflict.
So today we'll be focusing onwhat a lot of like family

(01:33):
therapists call fair fighting.

Speaker 1 (01:35):
Yes, jenna, and I love that you said that
regarding conflict being healthyfor a relationship, because
I've seen couples who don't haveconflict but still have
resentment, tension, you know,hurt feelings.

Speaker 2 (01:50):
So a conflict-free relationship does not mean a
healthy relationship, yeah, likewhen people come in and say,
like we never fight, sometimesI'm like huh, and I think the
other thing I've seen too justbeing like an individual
therapist as well is sometimesI've worked with individual
adult clients who never sawtheir parents fight and then
sometimes their parents like getdivorced later and that is so

(02:13):
disorienting to them.
They're like I never saw themfight.
I thought they had this likereally wonderful and great
relationship and you know, Ithink that's something that's
commonly thought is that likecouples who don't fight or don't
have conflict it's like theperfect relationship, and I
would argue that that's not thecase.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
Right.
So well, let's jump into someof our fair fighting rules that
we would give as therapists.

Speaker 2 (02:35):
Yeah, so one of the first things I tend to go over
with couples is the use of Istatements.
This helps avoid blame.
So rather than starting outwith like you, uh, when you're
bringing up a complaint, youwant to start with I and use a
feeling, words that sometimesthey even have to fall out the
feeling wheel for folks becausethis, like it, seems so easy on

(02:58):
paper, but using an I statementcan actually be quite
challenging if couples are notused to doing this.
So an example of this would beI felt frustrated when you
didn't unload the dishwasherthis morning, nari.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yes, oh, my goodness, jenna, can you give an example
of using I an I statement, butin an unhealthy way, because
sometimes people think if youjust start the statement with I,
like it's going to be?
Oh, yes, I see that all thetime.

Speaker 2 (03:24):
Yeah, like sometimes people are like I feel like you
never do the dishes and I feellike you're lazy, you know it's
like.
So this is where, like, I feellike I have to put on my like
referee hat sometimes.
I'm like let's take it from thetop.
Um, and yeah, I get like I seethis all the time.
Like clients I'm working withare like very smart, intelligent

(03:47):
people.
They have a really hard timewith these I statements
sometimes and so like we willspend a good amount of time on
on the I statements.
Other times people are like Iknow the I statement, like
they're almost like offended,but I'm like bringing it up
right.

Speaker 1 (04:01):
I think the key is there is when you make that I
statement focus on a specificbehavior.
So, Jenna, your example wasperfect.
I feel frustrated when youdidn't unload the dishwasher
this morning.

Speaker 2 (04:12):
One specific behavior at one point in time.
You don't want to like, do thelike blanket statements with
that.
So I'm always like you need tofocus on like yes, a specific
behavior that happened at onepoint in time.

Speaker 1 (04:26):
Right.

Speaker 2 (04:26):
Exactly.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
And you should also speak for yourself.
What that means is don'tproject things onto your partner
, don't use mind readingstatements.
So, for example, instead ofsaying like I feel like you just
never think of me, or I feellike you don't care about me,
you can say I feel uncared forwhen you do this, or I feel you

(04:51):
know alone when we're notspending time together, rather
than you just want me to bealone all the time.

Speaker 2 (04:58):
so it's, it's really hard because I see that a lot in
session and can be hard to likereferee a little bit Like every
time you're hearing thesethings to be like let's speak
for ourselves, yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
It's really hard to prove right and it's not likely
that your partner is neverthinking of you right.
So, but how do you, how do youprove that?
We can't jump into their brain?
So you have to tell them, yeah,how you feel, speak from your
perspective, but give them someroom to not feel like they have
to defend themselves.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
Yeah, this goes back to the the I statement, but you
want to stay focused on thecurrent issue.
You want to bring up thingslike as they come up and focus
on that, because what we tend tosee as couple therapists is
something we call like throwingin everything but the kitchen
sink.
So, like, once one topic isbrought up about, like the
dishes and the dishwasher, likeI think what tends to happen is

(05:54):
people make up these storiesLike my partner is lazy, like
you didn't unload the dishwasher, but then they start bringing
up a whole list of complaintsand what we see is that, like
you know, if partner A isbringing up this list of
complaints, partner B is goingto shut down.
They're just this is too muchto take in.

Speaker 1 (06:11):
Yeah, I absolutely agree with that, and that's
where couples will start to feellike their conflict is
unmanageable.

Speaker 2 (06:18):
And it is right.

Speaker 1 (06:19):
Because you can manage one specific issue, but
when you start bringing up fivemonths worth of stuff, that's
unmanageable.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
Yeah, and that's when the other partner B will also
start getting defensive, becausethey're just like feel attacked
.
And what do we do when we feelattacked?
It's like a humanistic traitfor us to get defensive Right
Defensive.

Speaker 1 (06:43):
And that's basically kind of another fair fighting
role is bring up issues as theycome up.
Don't let them stew fester boil.
Let them stew fester boil,because the other thing that
happens too is when you bring upa complaint of hey, you didn't
take out the garbage thismorning.
That was a little frustrating.
You can start from like a softplace with that right, because

(07:06):
it just happened.
But as you're stewing, asyou're boiling, you're having
your own, you're coming in hot.
Yeah, exactly, that's a goodway of saying it.
You're boiling on the insideand so that boil, you're letting
off some steam.
So if you've got five months ofthat built up, you're yeah,
you're gonna come in a littlemore escalated and your partner

(07:26):
is gonna look at you and be likewhat the heck is going on?

Speaker 2 (07:29):
right, we were just getting along, and now you are
coming after me yeah, yeah, andthat is one of like the common
suggestions is to like use asoft startup.
So rather than coming in hotand bothered, your partner is
going to be less receptive to it.
Try to use a soft startup.
So, hey, there's something I'dlike to bring up to you.

(07:49):
Like, I felt frustrated thismorning when you didn't take out
the trash.

Speaker 1 (07:53):
Yeah, those soft startups are great, jenna I I
like to give clients some what Icall sentence starters for soft
startups, and some of thosecould be like giving them the
benefit of the doubt, Like, hey,I know you were really busy
this morning, but I feltfrustrated when you forgot to
take out the garbage.
So you know, those softenstartups aren't just about like

(08:13):
tone, but just like showing yourpartner that you know you see
them as a whole person andthey're not doing these things
to aggravate you, and I think italso like has you put yourself
in their shoes?

Speaker 2 (08:26):
to like what was going on for my partner this
morning that might've gotten inthe way of them unloading the
dishwasher or taking out thetrash, those things, and I think
that is so important in apartnership.
The other thing you want to dois try to avoid your partner's
triggers.
I always use this as an example, like you're just like your
mother.
But people actually say thisand guess what it does just

(08:49):
about every single time itthrows gasoline into the fire.
So we want to avoid thetriggers.
Like if you know something isgoing to trigger your partner,
let's avoid that during conflict, right.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
And I would almost say to like when you know your
partner's triggers and you bringthem up.
That could be like a form ofcontempt.
Right, it can be a form.
And what contempt?
Is the intent?
To hurt your partner?
So, if you know that sayingthat to your partner is going to
hurt them, and you do itanyways, and they know that.
You know that they are reading.

(09:25):
You want to hurt me rather thanresolve this conflict.

Speaker 2 (09:28):
What are some other like common triggers, you see,
like when we're talking aboutconflict?

Speaker 1 (09:33):
um, like using things , um, that they know, is your
like vulnerability right?
Like, will you come from afamily of divorce?
So bringing up family dynamicsor bringing up weaknesses, like
well, you yourself said yourscatterbrain and it's like, well
, your partner can say that,yeah, but you know, said you're
scatterbrained and it's like,well, your partner can say that,

(09:54):
yeah, but you know, when you'rebringing those things up and
using their vulnerabilityagainst them, that can be a
trigger.

Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yes, absolutely, and I think this is where, like,
we're family therapists, so wesee this commonly.
But I think people tend to beprotective of their family
members, and so sometimesthey're like I can speak
negatively of my mother or myson, but like I don't want you
to and I don't want you tocompare me to like the things
that I say about my familymembers too what else?

Speaker 1 (10:22):
Um, so we need to use respectful language.
And respectful language whenwe're fighting can vary amongst
couples, but I know in myhousehold I, you know I love a
good curse word for comedic uh,you know effects.
But during conflict I don'tlike cursing because it just
escalates the argument Like ifyou generally don't curse, but

(10:44):
then you curse during conflict,you're kind of communicating.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (10:48):
I'm taking it up a level.
The other thing is like again,every couple's different.
Like I don't like this isn't acurse word, but I don't like
saying things like shut up Right.
Like, like I think it's justreally aggressive, and like
shuts your partner down, likeit's okay to say I need a break,
like or you're being loud, orcan we tone it down a little bit
, but you have to negotiate withyour partner what is considered

(11:12):
respectful language.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
Absolutely Cause.
Like I will say, like for me,cursing like wouldn't be a
trigger, or like like I wouldn'thave an issue with that in
conflict but it all it dependson like your partnership, and
these are conversations you needto have with your spouse.
Another one, um, no namecalling, so this falls under
that like being respectful, butthis is just one of the like.

(11:36):
Just don't do it.
We don't name call and I like todifferentiate between like a
complaint and a criticism in arelationship.
Like it's okay to complainabout things, like I felt
frustrated when you didn't bringout the trash, but we want to
avoid criticisms and sometimeslike name calling can be done,
so like you want to avoid things, like you're lazy.

Speaker 1 (11:59):
Yeah, no, I agree, Jenna.
Like if you just take thesentence you are and fill in the
blank and have one word afterthat, you are probably name
calling.
You're lazy, you are selfish,you are a B word, you know those
types of things.

Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, we want to avoid that.

Speaker 1 (12:16):
We also want to self-monitor our body language,
our tone and our volume.
So that gets back to like mayberespect, to like respectful
body language, so maybe notflailing your arms about or like
trying to make yourself biggerto your partner, or you know,
one thing is like if I noticedthis a lot like if you start an

(12:39):
argument where one person'ssitting and the other person is
standing, that can be like kindof an aggressive, you know kind
of hierarchy.
So sit down with your partner,like be on the same level.
Yeah, Get on the same level.
Um, and I also um want to cause.
This is a common thing I see incouples.
Therapy is people havedifferent depths to their voices

(13:00):
, different loudness, differentvolumes.
So it's important to talk abouthow some people, when they get
a little bit louder, it can seemmore aggressive, more
intimidating.

Speaker 2 (13:09):
Yeah, and this is where it's so good to know
yourself and your spouse too,because I do think some people
just tend to be more animated,like I came from a family like
of Italians, and like I feellike they're loud and animated
people and I have some of thatmyself.
You know so good to be aware ofthat.
Something I'll see too, andlike heterosexual relationships,

(13:32):
is sometimes like the femalepartner might be intimidated by
like the size of their partneror like the depth of their voice
, and I think sometimes the malepartner is surprised to hear
that in session.
Like I don't see myself as thisintimidated person, but like
when conflict does come up andescalate, like that's how their
partner can perceive them.

(13:53):
So I think these are justthings to be aware of, and I
usually just speak to the factthat communication is so complex
, like there's so much unfoldingwhen we are observing couples
communicate.
It's what is being said, butit's also how it's being said
and there's a process to thattoo.

(14:13):
So there's a lot to unpack.

Speaker 1 (14:16):
Okay, what's another fair fighting rule, jenna?

Speaker 2 (14:18):
The last one I would say is to take a pause.
So sometimes just like saying,okay, like this is getting
heated, we need to kind of slowthings down.
Other times, I do think couplesjust need a timeout, like and
sometimes this happens insession where we're just like
not making progress but thingsare escalating and it's like we

(14:39):
need to say we need to stop thisargument for right now and we
need to actively engage insomething that gets our nervous
systems more settled so that wecan re-engage in this
conversation and have it beproductive, because I do think
there are just times where, like, couples are not able to have
that breakthrough in theconflict or communication.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
Right, and I think one thing to add to that is that
you can engage in all of thefair fighting rules and still
need to take a time out.

Speaker 2 (15:12):
Right and still feel stuck yeah absolutely Right.

Speaker 1 (15:15):
You can still get emotionally kind of overwhelmed,
especially if you've beenhaving a conversation and it
feels like it's not beingproductive, even in a safe way.
So it's, it's not a sign offailure or that you escalated.
It can just be we're fatigued,we haven't gotten anywhere,
maybe we need some sleep, weneed some food.

(15:37):
I get hangry over here.

Speaker 2 (15:39):
So yeah, absolutely, um, there's nothing wrong with
taking a pause or a timeout.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
So, jenna, the last question I have for you is how
do you come up with these fairfighting rules, like we gave
them out, but we just also saidthey depend on the relationship.
So what do you tell couplesabout coming up with fair
fighting rules?
Yeah, so.

Speaker 2 (16:00):
I.
I mean, I tend to outline someof the fair fighting rules.
Like we go over I statements, Ilet them know like and I will
write them out for them or givethem a piece of paper.
But I also like want them todevelop some of their own fair
fighting rules for therelationship.
So I will specifically ask themlike can you identify triggers?

(16:21):
We're usually also going over,like, recent arguments and
conflict in our sessions too,and so, like, if I hear things I
will be like hey, let's addthat to the fair fighting rules.
And sometimes, like, ifconflict is one of the primary
reasons people are coming intotherapy, I will say like, put
this on your bathroom mirror,put it on your refrigerator.

(16:44):
Let this be a common reminderthat we need to really focus on
these rules, and sometimes Iwill even have couples come up
with code words for like hey,this will remind us to like
let's go back to the fairfighting rules, and it can be
like a very neutral word, likebanana, and that's like.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
That's funny.
We say peaches Right, no, butthat's a good point.
And I will often find that oncemy couples develop their fair
fighting rules and like postthem on the fridge or something
they actually adhere to themyeah, so they will.
They will say, hey, like thatcrossed a fair fighting rule,
like let's, let's get back ontrack, and that that makes me

(17:24):
really proud because, um, youknow, you don't, you don't have
to do it Like I'm not there to,like you know, referee that, but
they having that structure andhaving it be agreed upon that
this is the safest, healthiestway for us to have conflict and
abiding by it it really justshows care and concern for the
relationship and for yourpartner.

Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah, and I think couples are oftentimes relieved
to just hear that like, oh,conflict is normal and healthy,
and it's just like now we havethis set of guidelines that we
can like that can help us managethe conflict.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, I often will say that you'll find one person
who feels very comfortable withconflict and one person who
avoids it and they marry eachother Right.
So these fair fighting rules,um, I think can really help the
person who's conflict avoidantfeel like, hey, there are some
boundaries, not everything isgoing to be all out.
And then for the person whoisn't afraid of conflict, maybe
you know they need to unlearnsome things or tone some things
back to make it feel morepalatable for their partner.

Speaker 2 (18:28):
Learn the power of a soft startup.

Speaker 1 (18:31):
Exactly, Jenna.
Well, that concludes ourepisode today on conflict.
We hope that you'll sit downwith your partner and come up
with your own list of fairfighting rules after listening
today.