April 2, 2025 • 20 mins
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Season 1 Episode 10: Hidden Influences: How Your Family Shapes Your Marriage
Your past shapes your present more than you might realize. The family you grew up in—your family of origin—has profoundly influenced your communication style, conflict resolution tactics, expectations around affection, and even how you celebrate special occasions. When two people with different upbringings come together in marriage, these differences can create friction that seems mysterious until you trace it back to its source.
Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari unpack the complex ways family of origin issues manifest in marriages, from boundary problems with overly involved parents to the clash of different holiday traditions. They explore how unresolved childhood wounds continue affecting relationships long after leaving home, and why reactions that seem disproportionate to situations often have historical roots in family dynamics.
Through relatable examples from their own marriages and therapy practices, the hosts offer practical strategies for navigating these challenges. They emphasize prioritizing your marriage while still honoring family relationships, communicating openly about expectations, and presenting a unified front when setting boundaries. Most importantly, they remind listeners that addressing family of origin issues isn't about blame but about creating awareness that leads to healthier patterns.
Whether you're struggling with intrusive in-laws, disagreements about parenting based on how you were raised, or simply trying to understand why certain situations trigger such strong emotions, this episode provides valuable insights for strengthening your marriage by understanding its invisible influences. The key takeaway? Family patterns don't have to be destiny—with awareness and compassion, you can build a relationship that honors the best of both your backgrounds while creating something uniquely yours.
Ready to transform how you understand your relationship patterns? Listen now, and discover how addressing your family of origin issues can lead to a stronger, more harmonious marriage.
Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari are the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists behind the Coupled Podcast. They both have private practices where they work with individuals, couples, and families in Florida. The two are ready to shake up the world of couples therapy and want to extend resources beyond the couples they see in their private practices.
If you like this episode and want to know more about taking the next step to improve your communication, connection, and intimacy, head over to our websites to learn more about our Staying Coupled and Getting Coupled courses. These online courses give you the flexibility to improve your relationship from the comfort and convenience of your home. The Staying Coupled course is for couples who want to do the work to connect, communicate, and have the healthiest relationship possible. The Getting Coupled course is for premarital couples wanting to learn the essentials for a successful marriage. Topics in both courses include the main issues couples face:
- Communication
- Family Boundaries
- Family Finances
- Sex
- Family Planning
- Division of Labor
- Couple Activities
For more information, visit drjennascott.com/courses or drnarijeter.com/courses
Disclaimer: This podcast is not a substitute for therapy. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to seek support from a licensed therapist in your state. Our relationship suggestions and content may not be applicable or advised for relationships with intimate partner violence (IPV). If you need res
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Coupled Podcast with Dr Jenna
and Dr Nari.
We're so happy you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
We're licensed marriage and family therapists
who work with couples in privatepractice.
On this show, you'll get thevery best and proven information
based on our decades ofexperience as therapists.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Even though we have 12 years of graduate school
between us.
We also know how to keep itreal as friends, wives and
mothers.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Relationships are complicated and we're here to
break it down.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Hello and welcome to the Coupled Podcast with Dr Nari
and Dr Jenna.
Today we are going to discussfamily of origin issues and
basically this is going to be anoverview because, again, we say
this with every topic.
We could go very in depth onfamily of origin issues, but we
just want to introduce you tosome basics of what is your
(00:56):
family of origin and basic, howdoes it show up in your marriage
.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So when we say family of origin, we mean the family
you grew up in, and we know thatour families shape our beliefs,
our behaviors, our values, evenour approach to relationships.
So when you marry, you bringall of those influences with you
to your marriage and sometimesthey clash with your partner's
(01:24):
upbringing and their values andyou know what they were raised
with and in.
So how do you navigate this andhow do you set boundaries so
that your marriage is protectedwhile still honoring your family
relationships?
Because what I always tellfolks is like we tend to be
(01:45):
quite protective of our familymembers, and sometimes I see
this in session where it's likeI can speak negatively about my
family of origin members butdon't you dare speak negatively
about my mom or my brother or mysister.
So let's talk about just some ofthe different things um that we
(02:05):
might we might see with couples.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Right, absolutely so.
First of all, the family thatyou come from, like Jenna said,
is your family of origin.
The family you make with yourpartner is called your family of
procreation.
So your family of origin reallysets the basis for, like, who
you are and you know what yourinterests are, some aspects of
(02:29):
your personality.
It sets also sets the basis forwhat you expect for the family
that you create as well.
Maybe some of you listening arelike I want to do everything
like my family of origin did it,and then others of you are like
, no, I do not want to repeat.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Yeah, sometimes we like overcorrect and go the
opposite route.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
So your family of origin includes the household
you grew up in, the people thatraised you, and some people's
family of origin backgrounds arevery complicated, right, like
if they grew up in, let's say,step families or let's say they
were raised by parents for partof their life, but also by
grandparents, like your family.
You really get to define whatyour family of origin is, and so
(03:11):
it really can be quite broadwith you know that definition
and it, your family of originreally influences everything
about you how you communicate,how you handle conflict, how you
celebrate holidays how muchaffection was shown Like?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
that's a question I often ask.
Like did you see your parentsshow affection?
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Exactly, and so I think one of the things that I
hear more and more with couplesis that they are, like, aware of
how their family of origins aredifferent.
They'll say things like oh, inmy family we're just really loud
and we just say it like it isand the other partner often is
like no, my family is not direct, we're very quiet, we avoid
(03:57):
conflict.
It's very interesting that howtypically people pair off in
ways that are very different infamily of origin backgrounds,
even when they have somesimilarities.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Right, yeah, I will say like one thing I've noticed
about my family of origin thatlike when I was living in it I
don't know that I would havebeen aware of it as much, but
like once you leave that, thatnest, it's like, oh, you notice
some of the dynamics.
Like I've noticed that myfamily like sense of humor is a
big thing, but like we will likeif people have weaknesses, we
(04:31):
kind of like poke fun at peoplefor those things, but that is
like not something all familiesdo.
And like you know, people couldbe quite offended by that.
If you know you're, you'rearound us, but that is like just
a part of our family dynamic.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Yeah, absolutely.
I noticed that when I marriedmy husband because growing up it
was a lot of times my mom, mybrother and myself and even
though my brother was anintrovert, I think he was very
used to our family dynamics.
So in our house on a Saturday,like we would leave the house at
(05:08):
, let's say, 10 in the morningand my mom would take us as
teenagers and we would go to thegrocery store and go have lunch
and go shopping and go visither friends and we get home at
10 o'clock at night.
He would be gone all day and Ithink I just spent some time
with my brother.
So, like it was a reminder, Iasked him what are we going to
do while we're together?
(05:29):
He's like, what do we normallydo Eat, talk, shop, like he's
used to that rhythm.
But when I met my husband he washe's a homebody right so on a
Saturday, I would be like let'sgear up, and then I could see
his energy wane throughout theday and after a couple hours he
was ready to be home.
So I remember I'm going to behonest here, being like what is
(05:51):
wrong with him?
You know, I looked at himthinking, you know, everybody is
like my family is and if you'renot, there's a deficit there.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yeah Right, yeah Well , in in regards to like poking
fun at people like my parentsand my sister, like they poke
fun at my husband, you know.
So it's like when I met apartner, I've got to have
somebody who's like got a goodsense of humor and doesn't get
easily offended or isn't toosensitive over over these things
.
So, um, yeah, we, we have somuch to discuss when it comes to
(06:22):
this topic, but let's kind ofshift and talk about, like
common family of origin, issuesthat we might see in marriage or
in couples who come into ourpractice.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
So one thing that I will often see is this issue of
boundaries and how some spouseswill have really firm boundaries
with their parents and otherspouses will not.
And typically what we'll see islike the difference between what
is called enmeshment, wheremaybe a spouse is too close to
(06:56):
their parent, like in anunhealthy way, and they are
overly dependent on them andtheir parent is dependent on
them as well, and then the otherperson comes in and is like
wait, wait a second.
Like you now have a loyalty tome, Like don't go to your
parents about everything, Don'tlet your parents just give us
money just because they want to.
So when that partner is used tolike having their parent be
(07:22):
their primary person, in lifeand then they get married.
It can create a lot of conflictwhen their partner is like no
marriage comes first now.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Yeah, yeah, because sometimes, like, what I'll see
with couples is like the otherspouse is like, oh, I'm finding
out about our plans, like aftermy spouse has been with you know
, her mom, and they made all ofour you know holiday plans
together and I'm just findingout about it and where we're
going on vacation.
(07:51):
Yes, yes, all of those thosethings.
Another one that I think wecommonly see is just some
unresolved childhood trauma, sooftentimes, like past wounds
from childhood can manifest inmarriage.
This can bring about like trustor intimacy issues.
Something that I think wecommonly kind of hear is like if
(08:13):
your reaction is like largerthan what fits the situation,
like a lot of times it'shistorical, like you might be
able to trace that back to someof those family of origin
experiences that you've had.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Right, and really, jenna, you have to attend to
those issues.
I think, sometimes people arelike well, I don't even talk to
my family anymore, like why do Ihave to work on those wounds?
And it's like because they'reshowing up in your marriage.
And it's a lot easier when weare willing to take those things
(08:45):
on by ourselves, meaning like Iwant to heal, I want to get
better than getting to a placewhere our spouse has to confront
us and be like.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
This is not working and you need to fix it, I mean.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
I just think we're more resistant to that kind of
language versus if we're like.
I deserve to heal from this.
You know I deserve to have ahealthier framework for
relationships.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Yeah, and I think when couples are getting to know
one another, there's like thisopenness to hearing about you
know, family and past experience.
But like over time, sometimesit's hard to like really tune
into that and take a step backfrom like, oh, when we're
arguing or conflict is coming up, like how much of this is from
you know, your familyexperiences, and staying curious
(09:30):
about that rather than likeaccusatory.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes, absolutely.
Another common family of originissue in marriage is just
different family values andtraditions, and that can range
from things like parentingstyles to holiday celebrations
and like if you're, you werebeing celebrated.
A lot of times your birthdaycelebration would come like at
(10:11):
dinnertime and then you'd havecake and you could like open
your gifts.
As a child, that was torturefor me to wait all day.
I hated it, and so I rememberwhen my kids were kind of old
enough to recognize it was theirbirthday, we like leave their
presents out on the fireplaceand as soon as they wake up,
there's a card there.
(10:31):
They can like see theirpresents, and like we let them
open their presents and then,depending on the schedule of the
day, we might have cake, thenwe might have it later.
But I remember my dad sayingsomething to me like what you
let them open their presentslike first thing in the morning,
and that was like a deviationfrom our family tradition and it
(10:52):
was one that my husband and Ifelt like really comfortable
with.
And so sometimes family oforigin.
Conflicts are not just betweenyou and your partner, but they
can be with your family oforigin.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
I see that a lot with .
Like you know you brought upparenting with grandparents.
You know sometimes it's jarringfor them to see it like
parenting has shifted andchanged over the years and
sometimes they have a lot ofopinions about you know how our
generation is is parenting, sothat's definitely something that
can come up and with thedifferent like values and
(11:25):
traditions, I think like I wantto speak to that Like those can
be both like big and small.
Right, like you might bechoosing to practice a different
religion than you practice inyour family of origin, but it
can also be small things, likewhen you open presents or you
know, but like or seem small toothers.
That might be a big deal inyour family, but I think you
know how many.
(11:45):
How big Christmas is right,like some people had these like
huge Christmases with lots ofpresents and then some people
it's like we got a present ortwo and how do you and your
partner handle those things?
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Danny and I would often have like I wanna wrap all
the presents and he's like wellNari, in my house Santa would
leave unwrapped presents underthe tree and I was like what?
That takes all the fun out ofChristmas.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
We had unwrapped presents as kids.
But yeah, it's like those kindsof things and how you make
those decisions, too isimportant.
Another one and this we couldprobably have a whole episode,
if not more is in-law boundaries, so struggles with
(12:33):
over-involvement or intrusivefamily members, and we actually
we start seeing this inpremarital you know when I start
meeting with premarital.
oh my goodness, the weddingplans I think that's another one
where, like, people have thisfantasy of, like, wedding
planning is so much fun andabout you know the choices of
what flower, but, oh, gettingfamilies involved, like you know
(12:55):
it, it can be stressful and so,um, really working through the
in-law stuff, how big of apresence you want in-laws to
have in your family, all ofthose things can come up, and
this is where you know yourfeedback as our listeners can be
helpful too, because we'd loveto have an episode of in-laws
(13:17):
and we'd love to hear what yourquestions are there.
But let's talk aboutestablishing some healthy
boundaries when it comes tofamily of origin.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
So, first and foremost and this is going to be
hard for some people to hear,because we're not saying that
once you get married, you justditch your family of origin,
right?
We're saying prioritize.
So prioritize means you got toput things in a certain order
and in this case we're askingyou to prioritize your marriage.
(13:48):
Your spouse should come first,even when the family pressure
arises.
Marriage is a partnership thatrequires loyalty and unity, and
so I can't tell you the numberof times I've had people in my
office, you know, crying likevery distressed because they
feel like their partner is notstanding up for them, not, you
(14:10):
know, running interference oragreeing to something privately
but not reinforcing thatpublicly with their family and a
lot of times these things arenot, you know, like.
they're not emergencies or likelife or death issues, but what
the partner takes away from itis, I'm not important right.
(14:31):
You're not investing in ourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Yeah, and I think you have to communicate openly with
your spouse, so discussingfamily dynamics together,
agreeing on how to handle thoseissues, letting your partner
know when you feel offended bysomething one of their family
members stated or how you expectyour partner to handle some of
(14:57):
these situations.
I think that communication canhelp with feeling prioritized in
your marriage and prioritizingthat relationship.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Yeah, in line with communication Jenna, I think
especially early on, when you'reeither newly married or another
, like kind of round of that isyou've just had kids and you're
kind of approaching the newnessof that is proactively
communicating.
So if you're about to go out oftown and visit with your
in-laws, you might be likein-laws, you might be like, hey,
(15:34):
um, if your, let's just say,mom decides to tell me like how
to feed our kids, like how arewe going to handle that, you
know, can we talk about that?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Anticipate pushbacks that you might get.
And I don't know about you.
I'm curious to hear if, likeyou, have this same sentiment.
But I usually encourage, likewhoever is going to set a
boundary with family members,for it to be like like for Nari
you just set the boundary withyour mom instead of having your
(16:01):
husband set the boundary withyour mom.
Like you communicate directlyto your family members rather
than making your spouse do it.
Because sometimes I think we,like in heterosexual
relationships, put the female incharge of, like, coordinating
holidays, but like that can be atough position to be in, to be
like setting boundaries withyour mother-in-law.
So, like I really try toencourage whoever's family
(16:24):
member it is to be setting theboundaries and doing that
communication.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yes, and, that being said, again, talking about that
ahead of time is importantbecause I think, for example, my
husband's really great atcommunicating boundaries and I,
like the people pleaser in melike gets very stressed about
that.
So I need practice, I need timein my mind.
Yes, I'm going to communicatethis boundary, but if it's like
(16:49):
on the spot, and then all of asudden I'm like I have to set a
boundary and then I maybe don'tdo it the way my partner needs
me to, then I feel disappointedand stressed and whatever.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
So yeah, yeah, and I think that helps manage some of
those expectations.
I will say like sometimes weencourage folks to seek
professional help in thissituation because it is like
it's tricky too, because a lotof times I think people like
think they're going to setboundaries with their family
members, but like there's thatpower dynamic or hierarchy that
(17:20):
existed growing up and it's hardto all of a sudden like be
telling your parents what to dofor some people Like that's
really hard, and it does requireparents.
What to do for some people likethat's really hard, and it does
require practice.
And sometimes one partner mightbe a little bit better at
setting boundaries than theother.
So having those conversationsabout like whose role is it
going to be or is it going to beshared?
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Well, and again, a practical piece of information.
When you set a boundary, youhave to say we.
You can't say, well, my wifewants it that way.
So we have decided to raise ourkids.
We have decided this isimportant to us, or we have
decided this is best for ourkids.
She's a mom.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
She gets to decide.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I think that that just doesn't present a unified
front.
Yes, yeah, that is a veryhelpful piece of advice here and
, yeah, we I mean, if this issomething that is bringing about
reactions for you as you'relistening that probably means
that, like you and your spouseneed to sit down and have some
some conversations about thisright and like we say with
(18:26):
everything when we talk aboutcouples, right, and like we say
with everything when we talkabout couples, things change
over time, right, so you may setboundaries around, like raising
small children and how muchyour in-laws can be involved in
those small children.
That may not be necessary, like, once your kids are teenagers,
you're like they can feedthemselves, right, like?
(18:46):
we all need to have those samefights or boundaries.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Like to revisit this at different stages of the
relationship, like pre-kidsversus kids versus young kids,
right.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
You're not going to set a boundary and it doesn't
necessarily have to exist forforever.
So sometimes I like to remindcouples that if you want to
start the conversation out, youknow, in a gentler way, either
with your spouse or with yourin-laws, you know, or parents,
you can say right now, this iswhat our family needs.
(19:18):
So you're not communicating?
Hey, this is like a prison wall.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
This is what we're most comfortable with right now,
right Exactly.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Yeah, well, again, we can deep dive into this, but we
wanted to give you an overviewagain, to start talking to your
partner and ask yourself arethese things that we have just
kind of swept under the rug, anddo we need to pull them out and
revisit them again?
So we hope you will stay tunedfor other episodes and maybe
we'll circle back around to thisanother time.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Until next time.
Welcome to the Coupled Podcast with Dr Jenna
and Dr Nari.
We're so happy you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
We're licensed marriage and family therapists
who work with couples in privatepractice.
On this show, you'll get thevery best and proven information
based on our decades ofexperience as therapists.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Even though we have 12 years of graduate school
between us.
We also know how to keep itreal as friends, wives and
mothers.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Relationships are complicated and we're here to
break it down.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Hello and welcome to the Coupled Podcast with Dr Nari
and Dr Jenna.
Today we are going to discussfamily of origin issues and
basically this is going to be anoverview because, again, we say
this with every topic.
We could go very in depth onfamily of origin issues, but we
just want to introduce you tosome basics of what is your
(00:56):
family of origin and basic, howdoes it show up in your marriage
.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So when we say family of origin, we mean the family
you grew up in, and we know thatour families shape our beliefs,
our behaviors, our values, evenour approach to relationships.
So when you marry, you bringall of those influences with you
to your marriage and sometimesthey clash with your partner's
(01:24):
upbringing and their values andyou know what they were raised
with and in.
So how do you navigate this andhow do you set boundaries so
that your marriage is protectedwhile still honoring your family
relationships?
Because what I always tellfolks is like we tend to be
(01:45):
quite protective of our familymembers, and sometimes I see
this in session where it's likeI can speak negatively about my
family of origin members butdon't you dare speak negatively
about my mom or my brother or mysister.
So let's talk about just some ofthe different things um that we
(02:05):
might we might see with couples.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Right, absolutely so.
First of all, the family thatyou come from, like Jenna said,
is your family of origin.
The family you make with yourpartner is called your family of
procreation.
So your family of origin reallysets the basis for, like, who
you are and you know what yourinterests are, some aspects of
(02:29):
your personality.
It sets also sets the basis forwhat you expect for the family
that you create as well.
Maybe some of you listening arelike I want to do everything
like my family of origin did it,and then others of you are like
, no, I do not want to repeat.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Yeah, sometimes we like overcorrect and go the
opposite route.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
So your family of origin includes the household
you grew up in, the people thatraised you, and some people's
family of origin backgrounds arevery complicated, right, like
if they grew up in, let's say,step families or let's say they
were raised by parents for partof their life, but also by
grandparents, like your family.
You really get to define whatyour family of origin is, and so
(03:11):
it really can be quite broadwith you know that definition
and it, your family of originreally influences everything
about you how you communicate,how you handle conflict, how you
celebrate holidays how muchaffection was shown Like?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
that's a question I often ask.
Like did you see your parentsshow affection?
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Exactly, and so I think one of the things that I
hear more and more with couplesis that they are, like, aware of
how their family of origins aredifferent.
They'll say things like oh, inmy family we're just really loud
and we just say it like it isand the other partner often is
like no, my family is not direct, we're very quiet, we avoid
(03:57):
conflict.
It's very interesting that howtypically people pair off in
ways that are very different infamily of origin backgrounds,
even when they have somesimilarities.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Right, yeah, I will say like one thing I've noticed
about my family of origin thatlike when I was living in it I
don't know that I would havebeen aware of it as much, but
like once you leave that, thatnest, it's like, oh, you notice
some of the dynamics.
Like I've noticed that myfamily like sense of humor is a
big thing, but like we will likeif people have weaknesses, we
(04:31):
kind of like poke fun at peoplefor those things, but that is
like not something all familiesdo.
And like you know, people couldbe quite offended by that.
If you know you're, you'rearound us, but that is like just
a part of our family dynamic.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Yeah, absolutely.
I noticed that when I marriedmy husband because growing up it
was a lot of times my mom, mybrother and myself and even
though my brother was anintrovert, I think he was very
used to our family dynamics.
So in our house on a Saturday,like we would leave the house at
(05:08):
, let's say, 10 in the morningand my mom would take us as
teenagers and we would go to thegrocery store and go have lunch
and go shopping and go visither friends and we get home at
10 o'clock at night.
He would be gone all day and Ithink I just spent some time
with my brother.
So, like it was a reminder, Iasked him what are we going to
do while we're together?
(05:29):
He's like, what do we normallydo Eat, talk, shop, like he's
used to that rhythm.
But when I met my husband he washe's a homebody right so on a
Saturday, I would be like let'sgear up, and then I could see
his energy wane throughout theday and after a couple hours he
was ready to be home.
So I remember I'm going to behonest here, being like what is
(05:51):
wrong with him?
You know, I looked at himthinking, you know, everybody is
like my family is and if you'renot, there's a deficit there.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yeah Right, yeah Well , in in regards to like poking
fun at people like my parentsand my sister, like they poke
fun at my husband, you know.
So it's like when I met apartner, I've got to have
somebody who's like got a goodsense of humor and doesn't get
easily offended or isn't toosensitive over over these things
.
So, um, yeah, we, we have somuch to discuss when it comes to
(06:22):
this topic, but let's kind ofshift and talk about, like
common family of origin, issuesthat we might see in marriage or
in couples who come into ourpractice.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
So one thing that I will often see is this issue of
boundaries and how some spouseswill have really firm boundaries
with their parents and otherspouses will not.
And typically what we'll see islike the difference between what
is called enmeshment, wheremaybe a spouse is too close to
(06:56):
their parent, like in anunhealthy way, and they are
overly dependent on them andtheir parent is dependent on
them as well, and then the otherperson comes in and is like
wait, wait a second.
Like you now have a loyalty tome, Like don't go to your
parents about everything, Don'tlet your parents just give us
money just because they want to.
So when that partner is used tolike having their parent be
(07:22):
their primary person, in lifeand then they get married.
It can create a lot of conflictwhen their partner is like no
marriage comes first now.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Yeah, yeah, because sometimes, like, what I'll see
with couples is like the otherspouse is like, oh, I'm finding
out about our plans, like aftermy spouse has been with you know
, her mom, and they made all ofour you know holiday plans
together and I'm just findingout about it and where we're
going on vacation.
(07:51):
Yes, yes, all of those thosethings.
Another one that I think wecommonly see is just some
unresolved childhood trauma, sooftentimes, like past wounds
from childhood can manifest inmarriage.
This can bring about like trustor intimacy issues.
Something that I think wecommonly kind of hear is like if
(08:13):
your reaction is like largerthan what fits the situation,
like a lot of times it'shistorical, like you might be
able to trace that back to someof those family of origin
experiences that you've had.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Right, and really, jenna, you have to attend to
those issues.
I think, sometimes people arelike well, I don't even talk to
my family anymore, like why do Ihave to work on those wounds?
And it's like because they'reshowing up in your marriage.
And it's a lot easier when weare willing to take those things
(08:45):
on by ourselves, meaning like Iwant to heal, I want to get
better than getting to a placewhere our spouse has to confront
us and be like.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
This is not working and you need to fix it, I mean.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
I just think we're more resistant to that kind of
language versus if we're like.
I deserve to heal from this.
You know I deserve to have ahealthier framework for
relationships.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Yeah, and I think when couples are getting to know
one another, there's like thisopenness to hearing about you
know, family and past experience.
But like over time, sometimesit's hard to like really tune
into that and take a step backfrom like, oh, when we're
arguing or conflict is coming up, like how much of this is from
you know, your familyexperiences, and staying curious
(09:30):
about that rather than likeaccusatory.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes, absolutely.
Another common family of originissue in marriage is just
different family values andtraditions, and that can range
from things like parentingstyles to holiday celebrations
and like if you're, you werebeing celebrated.
A lot of times your birthdaycelebration would come like at
(10:11):
dinnertime and then you'd havecake and you could like open
your gifts.
As a child, that was torturefor me to wait all day.
I hated it, and so I rememberwhen my kids were kind of old
enough to recognize it was theirbirthday, we like leave their
presents out on the fireplaceand as soon as they wake up,
there's a card there.
(10:31):
They can like see theirpresents, and like we let them
open their presents and then,depending on the schedule of the
day, we might have cake, thenwe might have it later.
But I remember my dad sayingsomething to me like what you
let them open their presentslike first thing in the morning,
and that was like a deviationfrom our family tradition and it
(10:52):
was one that my husband and Ifelt like really comfortable
with.
And so sometimes family oforigin.
Conflicts are not just betweenyou and your partner, but they
can be with your family oforigin.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
I see that a lot with .
Like you know you brought upparenting with grandparents.
You know sometimes it's jarringfor them to see it like
parenting has shifted andchanged over the years and
sometimes they have a lot ofopinions about you know how our
generation is is parenting, sothat's definitely something that
can come up and with thedifferent like values and
(11:25):
traditions, I think like I wantto speak to that Like those can
be both like big and small.
Right, like you might bechoosing to practice a different
religion than you practice inyour family of origin, but it
can also be small things, likewhen you open presents or you
know, but like or seem small toothers.
That might be a big deal inyour family, but I think you
know how many.
(11:45):
How big Christmas is right,like some people had these like
huge Christmases with lots ofpresents and then some people
it's like we got a present ortwo and how do you and your
partner handle those things?
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Danny and I would often have like I wanna wrap all
the presents and he's like wellNari, in my house Santa would
leave unwrapped presents underthe tree and I was like what?
That takes all the fun out ofChristmas.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
We had unwrapped presents as kids.
But yeah, it's like those kindsof things and how you make
those decisions, too isimportant.
Another one and this we couldprobably have a whole episode,
if not more is in-law boundaries, so struggles with
(12:33):
over-involvement or intrusivefamily members, and we actually
we start seeing this inpremarital you know when I start
meeting with premarital.
oh my goodness, the weddingplans I think that's another one
where, like, people have thisfantasy of, like, wedding
planning is so much fun andabout you know the choices of
what flower, but, oh, gettingfamilies involved, like you know
(12:55):
it, it can be stressful and so,um, really working through the
in-law stuff, how big of apresence you want in-laws to
have in your family, all ofthose things can come up, and
this is where you know yourfeedback as our listeners can be
helpful too, because we'd loveto have an episode of in-laws
(13:17):
and we'd love to hear what yourquestions are there.
But let's talk aboutestablishing some healthy
boundaries when it comes tofamily of origin.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
So, first and foremost and this is going to be
hard for some people to hear,because we're not saying that
once you get married, you justditch your family of origin,
right?
We're saying prioritize.
So prioritize means you got toput things in a certain order
and in this case we're askingyou to prioritize your marriage.
(13:48):
Your spouse should come first,even when the family pressure
arises.
Marriage is a partnership thatrequires loyalty and unity, and
so I can't tell you the numberof times I've had people in my
office, you know, crying likevery distressed because they
feel like their partner is notstanding up for them, not, you
(14:10):
know, running interference oragreeing to something privately
but not reinforcing thatpublicly with their family and a
lot of times these things arenot, you know, like.
they're not emergencies or likelife or death issues, but what
the partner takes away from itis, I'm not important right.
(14:31):
You're not investing in ourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Yeah, and I think you have to communicate openly with
your spouse, so discussingfamily dynamics together,
agreeing on how to handle thoseissues, letting your partner
know when you feel offended bysomething one of their family
members stated or how you expectyour partner to handle some of
(14:57):
these situations.
I think that communication canhelp with feeling prioritized in
your marriage and prioritizingthat relationship.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Yeah, in line with communication Jenna, I think
especially early on, when you'reeither newly married or another
, like kind of round of that isyou've just had kids and you're
kind of approaching the newnessof that is proactively
communicating.
So if you're about to go out oftown and visit with your
in-laws, you might be likein-laws, you might be like, hey,
(15:34):
um, if your, let's just say,mom decides to tell me like how
to feed our kids, like how arewe going to handle that, you
know, can we talk about that?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Anticipate pushbacks that you might get.
And I don't know about you.
I'm curious to hear if, likeyou, have this same sentiment.
But I usually encourage, likewhoever is going to set a
boundary with family members,for it to be like like for Nari
you just set the boundary withyour mom instead of having your
(16:01):
husband set the boundary withyour mom.
Like you communicate directlyto your family members rather
than making your spouse do it.
Because sometimes I think we,like in heterosexual
relationships, put the female incharge of, like, coordinating
holidays, but like that can be atough position to be in, to be
like setting boundaries withyour mother-in-law.
So, like I really try toencourage whoever's family
(16:24):
member it is to be setting theboundaries and doing that
communication.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yes, and, that being said, again, talking about that
ahead of time is importantbecause I think, for example, my
husband's really great atcommunicating boundaries and I,
like the people pleaser in melike gets very stressed about
that.
So I need practice, I need timein my mind.
Yes, I'm going to communicatethis boundary, but if it's like
(16:49):
on the spot, and then all of asudden I'm like I have to set a
boundary and then I maybe don'tdo it the way my partner needs
me to, then I feel disappointedand stressed and whatever.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
So yeah, yeah, and I think that helps manage some of
those expectations.
I will say like sometimes weencourage folks to seek
professional help in thissituation because it is like
it's tricky too, because a lotof times I think people like
think they're going to setboundaries with their family
members, but like there's thatpower dynamic or hierarchy that
(17:20):
existed growing up and it's hardto all of a sudden like be
telling your parents what to dofor some people Like that's
really hard, and it does requireparents.
What to do for some people likethat's really hard, and it does
require practice.
And sometimes one partner mightbe a little bit better at
setting boundaries than theother.
So having those conversationsabout like whose role is it
going to be or is it going to beshared?
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Well, and again, a practical piece of information.
When you set a boundary, youhave to say we.
You can't say, well, my wifewants it that way.
So we have decided to raise ourkids.
We have decided this isimportant to us, or we have
decided this is best for ourkids.
She's a mom.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
She gets to decide.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I think that that just doesn't present a unified
front.
Yes, yeah, that is a veryhelpful piece of advice here and
, yeah, we I mean, if this issomething that is bringing about
reactions for you as you'relistening that probably means
that, like you and your spouseneed to sit down and have some
some conversations about thisright and like we say with
(18:26):
everything when we talk aboutcouples, right, and like we say
with everything when we talkabout couples, things change
over time, right, so you may setboundaries around, like raising
small children and how muchyour in-laws can be involved in
those small children.
That may not be necessary, like, once your kids are teenagers,
you're like they can feedthemselves, right, like?
(18:46):
we all need to have those samefights or boundaries.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Like to revisit this at different stages of the
relationship, like pre-kidsversus kids versus young kids,
right.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
You're not going to set a boundary and it doesn't
necessarily have to exist forforever.
So sometimes I like to remindcouples that if you want to
start the conversation out, youknow, in a gentler way, either
with your spouse or with yourin-laws, you know, or parents,
you can say right now, this iswhat our family needs.
(19:18):
So you're not communicating?
Hey, this is like a prison wall.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
This is what we're most comfortable with right now,
right Exactly.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Yeah, well, again, we can deep dive into this, but we
wanted to give you an overviewagain, to start talking to your
partner and ask yourself arethese things that we have just
kind of swept under the rug, anddo we need to pull them out and
revisit them again?
So we hope you will stay tunedfor other episodes and maybe
we'll circle back around to thisanother time.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Until next time.
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