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April 16, 2025 22 mins

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Season 1 Episode 12: Balancing Acts: Work and Family Tensions Explored

The delicate balance between work and family life creates some of the most challenging dynamics in modern relationships. Diving deep into real-world tensions, we explore the common complaints that arise when careers and relationships collide.

At the heart of many conflicts is the "always working" complaint, where perception and reality often diverge dramatically. The working spouse feels they're making necessary sacrifices for family stability, while their partner experiences loneliness and a sense of taking second place to career demands. We unpack this fundamental disconnect with compassion for both perspectives.

Work travel presents unique challenges, particularly when one partner bears the full weight of family responsibilities during absences. Poor boundaries with technology create additional strain as laptops and phones infiltrate what should be protected family time. The post-pandemic world has introduced new dynamics too, with remote workers and office-goers experiencing completely different social needs at day's end.

Drawing from decades of therapeutic experience and our own personal struggles, we offer practical strategies for navigating these tensions. Setting healthy boundaries around work, communicating clearly about schedules, enlisting support during busy seasons, and prioritizing quality connection time can transform your relationship dynamics. Most importantly, we reveal why defensiveness only widens the gap when these issues arise, and how understanding the true message behind work complaints—often simply "I miss you"—can lead to deeper connection rather than conflict.

Whether you're the partner working long hours or the one feeling left behind, this episode provides a roadmap for maintaining intimacy when work and family compete for your attention. Subscribe now and join our community of couples committed to building stronger relationships through understanding and intentional connection.

Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari are the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists behind the  Coupled Podcast. They both have private practices where they work with individuals, couples, and families in Florida. The two are ready to shake up the world of couples therapy and want to extend resources beyond the couples they see in their private practices. 

If you like this episode and want to know more about taking the next step to improve your communication, connection, and intimacy, head over to our websites to learn more about our Staying Coupled and Getting Coupled courses. These online courses give you the flexibility to improve your relationship from the comfort and convenience of your home. The Staying Coupled course is for couples who want to do the work to connect, communicate, and have the healthiest relationship possible. The Getting Coupled course is for premarital couples wanting to learn the essentials for a successful marriage. Topics in both courses include the main issues couples face:

  1. Communication​
  2. Family Boundaries
  3. Family Finances
  4. Sex
  5. Family Planning
  6. Division of Labor
  7. Couple Activities

For more information, visit drjennascott.com/courses or drnarijeter.com/courses

Disclaimer: This podcast is not a substitute for therapy. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to seek support from a licensed therapist in your state. Our relationship suggestions and content may not be applicable or advised for relationships with intimate partner violence (IPV). If you need resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-723

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Coupled Podcast with Dr Jenna
and Dr Nari.
We're so happy you're here.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
We're licensed marriage and family therapists
who work with couples in privatepractice.
On this show, you'll get thevery best and proven information
based on our decades ofexperience as therapists.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Even though we have 12 years of graduate school
between us.
We also know how to keep itreal as friends, wives and
mothers.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
Relationships are complicated and we're here to
break it down.
Welcome to the Coupled Podcastwith Dr Jenna and Dr Nari.
Today we're jumping back intowork in the family.
So this is part two of work inthe family, and today we are
talking about common conflictsor complaints when it comes to
couples around paid work.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
All right.
So the first one, Jenna, I hearoften in my practice is
typically there is one spousecomplaining that the other
spouse is always working, andthat can look many different
ways right.
So practically there might be aspouse who just works a lot of
hours, right, they might have towork because of their job 60 to

(01:13):
80 hours a week.
So this is not just a complaintof like you're choosing to
always work, it's like youactually have to work.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
Right.
The nature of some jobs arejust that.
It involves many hours eachweek.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
Right, and I had the experience with my spouse where
he worked a different shift, soit wasn't that he was always
working, it was that he wasworking when we were home, so it
gave the feeling.
It felt like he was alwaysworking You're always working
because we're home and we're offand you're gone and you're
working.
So from that spouse'sperspective the person who is

(01:50):
working I think it can be reallyhard to hear that complaint
from their partner becausethey're thinking well, I don't
want to work this much rightLike.
I'm trying to provide for ourfamily.

Speaker 2 (02:01):
So there can be that, I think, kind of resentment
when they hear their partnercomplain about how much work
they're doing yeah, and a lot oftimes they feel like they have
to work right, that it's notlike a choice, that it's like I
have to do this for us to befinancially stable or to pay our
mortgage this month.
So I think that's often liketheir perspective of it.

(02:23):
Now, how about for the otherspouse?

Speaker 1 (02:24):
Well, that spouse.
Often they can feel lonely,they can feel like they're not a
priority, they can feel likethey're doing everything on
their own, and sometimes thatcan also lead into if a partner
is, let's say, choosing to workovertime or taking on extra
projects at work.
They can just feel like you'rechoosing work over me and the

(02:48):
kids and so they have to, a lotof times, absorb, you know, all
of those difficult emotionswhile carrying on with the work
at home of like taking care ofthe home and raising kids.

Speaker 2 (03:02):
Right.
And I think another thing I seewith people who do have to work
a lot or choose to work a lot,right, like some people are
running their own business, sothey just like have the hustle
or feel the pressure, even ifthey don't have a boss who says
like you have to clock X numberof hours each week.
But sometimes people feel likeso much of one partner's energy.

(03:23):
So say, partner A works outsideof the home and works, you know
, 60 to 80 hours a week.
Partner B feels like thatperson's like not saving their
best self for their home life,right, like work gets the best
of them and that they're notgetting the best of that.
Another common complaint I hearis like the spouse who has to

(03:45):
travel for work.
So sometimes both partners aretraveling for work, but
sometimes it's just one partnerwho's traveling for work and the
other person feels like thework is doubled when that
partner is gone and there's alot to manage too.
I know that when my husband andI first started having kids he

(04:06):
traveled a lot for work.
It was frequent.
I traveled a little bit less,but now, like both of us have
really backed off of travel.
But I will say I'll neverforget.
There was one conference he wasat.
He was in California.
That year I went to go get myflu shot but I had the flu

(04:28):
before the flu shot was evenscheduled and my daughter got
called out of school so I hadthe flu.
She got called out of schoolfor pink eye, which meant like
she didn't have the flu, so shewas not tired.
She was still like herenergetic self but had no
childcare.
She was still like herenergetic self but had no
childcare.
Our sitter was like I can'trisk getting the flu and it was

(04:49):
a three-day weekend.
So I had four days of likehaving the flu and parenting and
my husband was at a conferencein California and out of
desperation, like I was so tiredand I had an 18-month-old
toddler, so out of desperation Iput her in a stroller but I was
too tired to walk around theneighborhood so I sat her under

(05:11):
our grapefruit tree just like inthe stroller and I was laying
down in the lawn and I rememberone of my neighbors was like
Jenna, are you okay?
Absolutely not.
I'm not okay.
I have the flu but I still haveto parent.
But I was just like.
I think it was like after thattrip where I'm like you have got
to back off of this work,travel, like unless it is

(05:34):
absolutely necessary.
And I think sometimes peopleget to choose right, like I
don't have to go to conferencesand so I've backed off of that,
but other times, like travel isthe nature of some people's jobs
, so they don't have that choice.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
Yeah, no, jenna, I've never had that experience, but
I've been your friend for awhile.
And you would be like NariJoe's, out of town for this many
number of days and I'm likewhat I didn't even know.

Speaker 2 (06:00):
Why didn't you call me Like I could have come in
Well, and that's what'schallenging, too is like I think
some people are better aboutlike reaching out for help than
others.
And we'll get to some of mytips, because one of my tips for
couples is like reach out forthe support if you can, if you
have somebody who travels forwork.
But I know that that's a bigstrain for a lot of families and

(06:21):
I hear that a lot in mypractice and just also have
friends and family members whoexperience that as well have
friends and family members whoexperience that as well.

Speaker 1 (06:31):
Well, and last thing to say about this, jenna, I have
a friend who travels for workand she really enjoys her work,
travel.
You know, she, she'sextroverted, she's in sales like
she really gets a lot ofbenefit out of that, and I think
sometimes there can be somecontention because her spouse is
like you're having fun andshe's like, no, I'm working but,

(06:52):
I enjoy what I do and itrefreshes me, but that doesn't
mean that, like I, still don'thave empathy for the fact that
you're at home taking care ofRight, like there's still work.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
But yeah, I remember when, especially when our kids
were like not sleeping throughthe night and my husband was
traveling for work, I'm like youget to stay in a hotel by
yourself and not have, you know,kids who are going to wake you
up all hours of the night, like,but like what's interesting is
he would have rather been homesleeping in the bed, you know.
So it's some of that like youhave to or I have to, or I get

(07:24):
to.
You know, like there can bedifferences there.
What are some other complaintsyou hear?

Speaker 1 (07:32):
Sometimes spouses will say that their partner has
really poor work boundaries.
So I think, that's alluding towhat you said earlier, jenna is
do you have to do these thingsor are you choosing to?
And what does that look likewith couples and work?
It's taking calls at home,constantly checking emails.

(07:53):
Always seems to be on theirphone, maybe working during
designated like family time orcouple time.

Speaker 2 (08:01):
Or working on the weekends.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
Right, exactly, or yeah, taking their laptops on
vacation, just in case, but theyspend hours working by the pool
.
And so, again, this isn't alwayseasy right, Because the partner
who's working they know theirwork culture, they know their
environment, they may bethinking I have to work right,

(08:23):
but the partner who's notworking in that particular field
or that job is always like no,I think it's a choice, you know,
I think it's that you don'thave good boundaries with your
work and, again, because of thatdifference in perception, that
difference in starting point, itcan really get, you know, it

(08:44):
can be hard to find a solutionto this idea of like what are
poor work boundaries?

Speaker 2 (08:49):
Mm, hmm.
Another complaint I hear is orjust see is sometimes one spouse
or both have super busy seasonsof work.
So I know we live inTallahassee, florida, so there's
legislative session, but thereare also people who you know
might work in finance or youknow there's tax season.

(09:12):
I know my husband and I used toboth work at the university and
the end of each semester wasjust a nightmare for us, because
I was teaching four classes, soI would have hundreds, if not
thousands, of papers to grade,letters of rec to write, and
that was also when he would haveso many events to attend.

(09:32):
And then our sitters wereusually university students as
well, and so they'd be tied upwith finals and so we couldn't
get care and it was just such anightmare for both of us to be
experiencing the busy season atthe same time.

Speaker 1 (09:48):
Yeah, I think it can kind of bring up like this
conflict of whose job is moreimportant to is that you know
well I'm in my busy season at mywork, so you need to support me
right.
Like it's only like this forthree months or six months out
of the year.
So my job kind of is moreimportant at the time and I've

(10:09):
often thought that too.
But when you're living in thatsix months and you're the
partner who is trying to justget through every day and like
support your partner, six monthsis a long time you know.
So I I will often think, oh,like six months isn't that bad.
But then, when you're in themiddle of it, you're like oh,
this is rough, absolutely.

(10:30):
Yeah, and so one of the otherthings that I think couples end
up fighting or, you know, havinga lot of conflict about is this
difference between remote workand in-person work.
And I'll say this reallyemerged like during COVID and

(10:52):
post COVID, where I saw thatclients were or some of my
clients were adjusting to maybehaving a super social job and
then all of a sudden having towork at home.
Feeling isolated, yeah, feelingisolated and their other
partner's like what?
This is great, this is fine.
This pattern I will often see,even now, is that one partner

(11:14):
will work from home all day,while the other partner goes out
and works outside the home.
So the partner who works athome all day when other partner
goes out and works outside thehome so the partner who works at
home all day.
When their spouse comes home,they're like, excited because
they're like I've been hungryfor interaction, I've been home
alone all day, I'm ready tosocialize.
But the partner who's been outin the working world is like I
need a break.
Like you know, I need some timeto decompress, and so they have

(11:38):
different needs at the end ofthe day, yeah, there are
competing needs and I think youknow we're talking about work
right now.

Speaker 2 (11:45):
But sometimes I see this too in couples where there
might be a stay at home mom or Iknow I experienced this during
maternity leave.
I was like home with the babyall day, did not have any adult
interaction, and then you knowmy husband walks through the
door and I'm like, oh, an adultto talk to and have an adult

(12:06):
conversation with, and he hasbeen at work for nine hours and
had meetings and his social cupis full.
So you know, sometimes thereare just these like differing
needs at the end of the day, anddeveloping some awareness
around those is really important.
So let's jump into some of ourtips for couples around this
topic of work in the family.
What would one of your firsttips be?

Speaker 1 (12:25):
This is going to be a tough line, but I'm going to
say it is setting some healthyboundaries around work.
Obviously that involvescommunication right.
Communication of needs andexpectations and boundaries, and
I think with anything, Jenna.
When I think about settinghealthy boundaries around work,
I think about enforcing qualityversus quantity.

(12:50):
So, for example, if you'refeeling like you guys are not
connecting at the end of the day, or because your spouse is
working more and you're workingless, maybe the issue isn't
about your spouse working less,but it's looking at the quality
of the time that you are gettingto spend together, to say, hey,

(13:13):
if you're going to work intothe evening hours, I would like
for you to put your phone awayand your laptop away and, for 30
minutes, really be engaged indinner and conversation, and if
you can give me that time, thenI really feel like I'll feel
better about this Right and Ithink this is where it is so

(13:34):
helpful for couples tocommunicate and set some of
these boundaries together.

Speaker 2 (13:39):
Like I know for me I have had some really like honest
conversations with my spouseabout it is more helpful for me
to have you come home and not beplugged into work, like I would
rather you work later and getthe work done, take the phone
calls there, than to like, comehome and take phone calls like
while we're trying to get dinnerprepared and parent three kids.

(13:59):
You know, but some spouses mightprefer a warm body there rather
than you know.
So having some of theseconversations about, like what
your expectations are for yourpartner around those boundaries,
I think is helpful.
And in regards to communicationtoo, I will say like.
Also like writing down andcommunicating with your partner.
Like when you have work events,especially if it's like when

(14:25):
your partner's expecting it tobe family time.
So, like if you do have to comehome and plug back in, if you
do have to take out the emails,take a work call, communicating
that with your partner, like hey, nari, I know I typically
unplug at 6 pm, but tonight I'mwaiting for a call from my boss
at 7.
So I want to give you a headsup on that.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
Yeah, I think that's really important to like.
Yeah, maybe give your partnerlike the consideration or like
the respect to say, hey, like Ihave to do this and I'm going to
take 30 minutes to do.
That I think sometimes I willsay I will hear people say you
know, I'm going to take 30minutes to do that I think,

(15:05):
sometimes I I will say.
I will hear people say oh, mypartner just disappeared into
another room.
And I thought we were havingfamily time or I thought they
were there watching our kids.
I was cooking dinner, Right,Where's my, my partner?
So I think, yeah, just beingintentional about that, not and
not signaling to your partner.
I think that can set the tonewhere your partner is like I'm
not important because they won'teven communicate with me, Right

(15:27):
?

Speaker 2 (15:28):
Another tip is get support, and this one's
interesting that I'm.
You know sometimes I have ahard time taking my own advice.
But if you are a parent and youhave a spouse who's traveling
or who is in a busy season likewhere can you get some extra
help?
Can you hire a sitter?
Can you all like order somefood in advance or meal prep the

(15:50):
weekend before?
Can you ask in-laws to help out?
I know sometimes, like when Ihad like infants and my husband
was working, I would ask myparents to come in town and they
would help me out and that wasnice to have the company and and
also some extra helping hands.
So I, if you know me personally,you know I'm quite cheap but I

(16:15):
am like I know I'm very frugal,but I am a big proponent of like
throwing some money at problemsif you can, when it comes to
getting that, that extra supportor making life easier if you do
have young kids.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
Jenna, I have this story I like to tell my couples
with young children, but I'mpretty like rigorous about
cleanliness standards in my home.
And like my, biggest pet peeveis just dirty dishes, right Like
I don't want to see them and Ihate when they pile up.
So when we had our oldest, Ihad heard a tip of like just use

(16:54):
paper plates you know like andI remember it, for environmental
reasons, but also cost, likethat, $10 worth of paper plates.
Like it pained me to get them.
But here we are.
My oldest is 12 and a half.
Do we still buy paper plates?
Absolutely.
Now I will say we use less ofthem because now I'm trying to
teach my kids, like, put yourplate in the dishwasher and they

(17:16):
can do that, so we don't use asmany paper plates.
But for the like, for 12 yearsI've just leaned into if these
are less dishes to do, it'stotally worth.
You know, 10 or 12 bucks amonth and the little bit of
mental fatigue it gives me to togo okay, we're using paper
plates for all the snacks andall the yeah, I think just like,

(17:39):
how do we make our lives easier?

Speaker 2 (17:42):
and where are we able to do that?
I also think what's importantis that, like you want to make
sure that you're prioritizingthe relationship and
communicating to your partner.
I am prioritizing you, I careabout you, I care about us, I
care about our kids.
So, like when work isn't superbusy, that means like scheduling

(18:03):
a coffee or lunch date or likemaking up for some of that lost
time Cause I know when we talkedabout affairs like, what I've
been kind of blown away by isthat, like busy people will
still find time to see theiraffair partner.
So I'm like make sure you areprioritizing your partner, the

(18:24):
relationship, and what kind ofgoes along with that too, is
that like drop the defenses andvalidate your partner's feelings
.
So if you hear your partner say, like I feel like I'm not
prioritized, I feel like youchoose work, like hear them
first before getting defensiveof like well, I have to work, or
I have this or my boss, youknow how we get into the.

(18:45):
Drop that.

Speaker 1 (18:48):
And just like you feel like I'm prioritizing work,
like let's have a conversationabout that and sometimes, jenna,
it's just the reality, like youcan't always change the reality
, but it's okay for your partnerto feel that way, right, Like I
think a lot of times whenpeople say I feel lonely or it's

(19:12):
.

Speaker 2 (19:13):
It's a good thing right, it means they miss you.

Speaker 1 (19:16):
Right.
So if your partner says you'vebeen working a lot lately and
you know you've been working alot lately and I feel super
lonely they may not be tellingyou.
You need to work less.
They might actually be saying.

Speaker 2 (19:30):
I miss you.

Speaker 1 (19:31):
I accept the reality that you're working, but with
you being gone, I realized, likeyou know, there are parts of
our my day I want to share withyou, and I don't get to do that
till, you know, 10 o'clock atnight or whatever that is.
And so I think, like you said,dropping the defenses, and I
will I like to give people likea, like a tidbit, you know, like

(19:52):
a tiny little thing of likewell, nari, what do I do when
they come to me and say I feellonely when you're gone at work?
You can, you can do one of twothings.
You can ask more questions,like okay, well, you know, can
you?
Can you tell me what elseyou're feeling?

Speaker 2 (20:09):
or like what are the?

Speaker 1 (20:10):
thoughts going through your head?
Or when do you feel lonely,like you can lean in and ask
more questions, or you can saytell me more.
You're inviting your partnerand defensiveness is pushing
away.
Asking questions, asking themto give you more information, is
pulling in.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
Right, leading to more intimacy, right?

Speaker 1 (20:31):
Well, I was just going to say sometimes people
initiate some complicatedconversations or conflict not
because they're trying to pushyou away.
They're actually trying to pullyou in.
So if you feel like yourpartner is making a complaint
about your work, they're notdoing it because they just want
to torture you.
They might be saying like I cansend some distance and I want

(20:53):
to close that gap.
I want to connect with you.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
That's such a good point.
Yeah, I think that's all fortoday's episode.
We just wrapped up work in thefamily and we hope you stay
tuned for next time.
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