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Season 2 Episode 4: Navigating Couples' Relationship Differences: From Minor Frustrations to Major Conflicts
Ever noticed how the tiniest differences between you and your partner can somehow snowball into heated arguments? You're not alone. From the spouse who leaves clothes on the floor to the one who needs three days to recover from an argument, relationship differences are universal—and they don't have to spell disaster.
We kick off this episode with a glimpse into our contrasting summer experiences—Jenna juggling water day preparations for three children at different camps while Nari navigates the growing independence of her older boys. These everyday parenting moments reveal how life stages shape our relationships, needs, and stress points.
Diving into common relationship differences, we explore the clean versus messy dynamic that plagues so many couples. We unpack how "clean" means different things to different people (is that shirt that touched the floor for five seconds dirty or still wearable?), and why hiring cleaning help might be the best investment some couples can make. For the introvert-extrovert pairing, we share practical solutions like taking separate cars to social events so each partner can leave when their social battery hits its limit.
The saver-spender dynamic often runs deep, influenced by family backgrounds and early experiences with money. Jenna shares a humorous story about convincing her husband to buy generic deodorant, leading to his catchphrase "save a dollar, suffer a year." Financial differences become manageable when couples identify common goals that give purpose to their saving or spending choices.
Communication styles—internal versus external processors—create perhaps the most immediate friction during conflicts. When one partner needs immediate discussion while the other needs quiet reflection time, the pursuer-distancer pattern emerges. Similarly, the difference between fast and slow emotional recovery after arguments can leave one partner feeling rejected while the other feels rushed.
Whether you're a meticulous planner who schedules every vacation hour or someone who thrives on spontaneity, these differences don't signal incompatibility. They simply require awareness, communication, and sometimes professional guidance to navigate successfully. Remember that beneath surface differences, most couples share fundamental values and are ultimately on the same team.
Struggling with recurring conflicts about these differences? Consider couples therapy—you don't need a relationship crisis to benefit from learning better communication tools and strategies for managing the beautiful complexity that comes with loving someone different from yourself.
Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari are the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists behind the Coupled Podcast. They both have private practices where they work with individuals, couples, and families in Florida. The two are ready to shake up the world of couples therapy and want to extend resources beyond the couples they see in their private practices.
If you like this episode and want to know more about taking the next step to improve your communication, connection, and intimacy, head over to our websites to learn more about our Staying Coupled and Getting Coupled courses. These online courses give you the flexibility to improve your relationship from the comfort and convenience of your home. The Staying Coupled course is for couples who want to do the work to connect, communicate, and have the healthiest relationship possible. The Getting Coupled course is for premarital couples wanting to learn the essentials for a successful marriage. Topics in both courses include the mai
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi and welcome to another episode of the Coupled
Podcast.
In today's episode we are goingto tackle some of the common
relationship differences we seein couples, and while these
differences can start off asminor annoyances, we also find
that they can lead to big areasof conflict in a relationship.
(00:21):
But also we're going to checkin with each other.
So, jenna, I'm going to ask youhow's your summer going so far?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
So far it is going.
We are not quite into thegroove of summer yet.
So this is the first year thatmy kids are having to do summer
camp and I was actually tellingNari this morning all three of
my kids they're in differentcamps but they all had water day
today, which meant that I hadto get sunscreen on them,
bathing suits, extra swimdiapers, extra change of clothes
(00:52):
Like there was so much involvedand sunscreen on everybody,
labeled towels, and so much sothat sorry, his phone going off,
she's a busy lady.
So much so that I was like Ibroke a sweat getting my kids
ready this morning.
So we're not quite into thegroove, but I like here's,
(01:12):
there's a part of me as a parentthat's like, oh my goodness,
this is so much work.
But I'm also like giddy withexcitement for my kids.
Like how much fun is a waterday at camp camp yeah, why are
all these going off?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
y'all are contacting nari for some sessions right now
, right um, jenna, I would saylike I'm in a different phase of
life.
My boys are older now.
Um, I will say.
What's interesting is they'renot going to any camps and
because they don't have a lot ofstructure, I'm leaving them
lists every day Like you have todo 20 minutes of reading, you
(01:48):
have to do a couple of mathproblems in their summer math.
You have to practice yourguitar, unload the dishwasher.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Okay that you were bringing up memories for me,
Cause my mom used to be like.
You'll have to load thedishwasher by the time I get
back.
Um yeah, and I remember mysister and I used to fight over
like who got the top shelfversus the bottom shelf, because
the bottom shelf was alwaysharder to unload, right.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
But I will say it's neat to see my boys and how they
tackle these things.
Independence yeah, they arevery independent.
They actually know whereeverything goes in the kitchen
so they put things in thecorrect spaces.
Actually know where everythinggoes in the kitchen, so they put
things in the correct spacesand they like they actually line
(02:32):
through or check off like everylittle thing on the list and
they like to get it done earlierin the day so they have the
rest of the day to relax.
So it has been a neat summer towatch my kids like just kind of
grow up right before my eyes.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, and this is why , like, it's always so
interesting to talk to Nariabout these things, because I'm
in the phase where, like thereis no separation, I was telling
her I was like I knew we had torecord, like I tried to wake up
early.
Um, this week I'm trying tolike work out before the kids
wake up, which I've never beensuccessful with um in the
history of being a parent andI'm like try it, like I try it
every, like six months, and oneday this week I woke up at like
(03:05):
five 45, at five 46.
My youngest was like hey, rightnext to the bed.
So, um, but I'm trying to enjoythe parts of this phase of life
because there is a lot of funin it.
Um, but I also have some somestruggles with being needed 24-7
.
And it's nice to talk to Nariabout how one day my kids will
(03:28):
have some more independence andI won't be sweating like running
around looking for everybody'swater shoes, like my kids might
know where their water shoes arein a few years.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Yes, oh, my goodness.
Well, jenna and I just wantedto take a minute to share with
you all what's going on in ourlives, and just a reminder that
you know, life is always goingto be busy, no matter what stage
you're at yeah, so let's jumpinto it.
We're talking about commonrelationship, differences we see
when working with couples.
(03:58):
So what do you got, jenna?
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Yeah, well, sometimes like couples are not arguing
about these like major issuesthat we bring up.
It's not always like oh mygoodness, our finances.
Like sometimes it's like thesmall things that drive people
crazy in relationships.
So one of the ones I commonlysee people complain about or
lament about is clean versusmessy.
There's a partner who likescleanliness and order and a
partner who tends to be messier.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
Yeah, exactly.
Um, that is, and here's thething even when you get two
clean people together, one ofthose people will be the messier
person.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Does that make sense?
There's no, we are equallyclean, yeah, you never meet
somebody who's like the exactsame as you like both people
might like a little bit moreorder, Um, but yeah, but I
commonly see, yeah, there's likesomebody who would label
themselves as the clean one inthe relationship and one who
well, and there are differentdefinitions of clean too, Like.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Let me give you an example.
I don't know what it is aboutclothes, but I'm a fanatic about
my clothes being clean and, inmy mind, if my clothing touches
the floor, like if you take offa pair of pants and they've laid
on the floor for a day- theyare dirty but other people would
be like no, they're still clean, right.
So it's not even just you know.
(05:16):
You might have like adesignated drop zone and your
partner is like no, that'sthat's dirty.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
And here's another thing Like I like the house
clean and that like it has beenclean.
Things have been wiped down,but my house is not always tidy.
Does that make sense?
Like with kids, I feel likethere's clutter and just stuff
everywhere.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yes, exactly so.
Sometimes couples have to learnto clarify what is clean mean
what is messy.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Yes, and sometimes, like I feel like a common
suggestion with like couples whocan afford it.
If one person's cleaning allthe time and they feel like
they're cleaning up after theirspouse, or their spouse isn't as
invested in the cleaning of thehousehold, I'm like, can you
just hire somebody in?
This will reduce conflict.
So, like my husband and I evenlike when I was a graduate
(06:03):
student and he was making verylittle money, we hired somebody.
Like that was so important toour relationship.
I was like I will be lessfrustrated with you if we just
have somebody come in, even ifit's once a month.
So I'm always like, if you canhire somebody, like if you're
comfortable with having somebodycome in your home and clean,
like maybe this is somethingthat you can just like throw
(06:25):
some money at and it will reduceconflict in your relationship.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Absolutely.
I'm all about hiring it out.
When in doubt, hire it out.
What else?
Um?
A common one, which I've talkedabout in another episode, is
introvert versus extrovert.
I see a lot of couples havingdisagreements about how they use
their time or like what'sexpected, how much socializing,
(06:48):
how much free time alone do Ihave?
And I do think you know thatthat socialization is good,
right, and I think in society wehave this bias towards like
being social is viewed as like apositive thing.
So, on the opposite of that,being more introverted can be
viewed as negative yes but, andyou know, for those people who
(07:10):
are introverted, they're quitecomfortable with their levels of
introversion.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Well, that's what like nari and I talk about this
a lot like even in this littlecoupled relationship.
Like nari, historically youhave been an extrovert and I am
an introvert People often aresurprised to hear that because I
feel like I'm an outgoingintrovert, but like I need my
quiet time, I need my space.
I'm like chuckling as we'retalking about this difference,
because last night I told myhusband I was like I'll be with
(07:37):
you and spend time with you, butI need you to stop talking.
And I was like I'll be with youand spend time with you, but I
need you to stop talking.
And that's where I'm likesometimes I am like so honest in
relationships but I'm like wecan still hang out, but like I
need you to just not talk to mebecause I need some quiet.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Right and well, that was always a point of conflict
too, because when I met myhusband, he would spend so much
time with me and he would talkto me all the time, so I
actually thought he was anextrovert.
And then, once we got marriedand we settled into the rhythm
of life and I realized, like heis an introvert, I was like, oh
(08:11):
my goodness, like and I.
And there's this quality oflike.
Introverts pick their peoplewisely, right and so around me,
or the children.
My husband is very engaged but,around others he'll be like.
I need a break from you.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Right, yeah, and I'm similar Like I think when I'm
around good friends and it takesme a lot of like warm up to
people, but like people getsurprised when they hear I'm an
introvert Cause they're like, oh, I feel like you're outgoing,
but I'm like, no, I need myspace, I need me time, I need my
independence in relationships.
So, yeah, it's very common andthis is why, like, it's
important.
It's not about like, whetherdifferences exist in your
(08:49):
relationship, but really it'sabout, like, how you handle them
.
And, like my husband, he justdoes not get offended easily, so
I can say, like I'll spend timewith you, but I need you to not
talk.
Some people might be deeplyoffended, right?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
So, like, you have to know yourself and you have to
know your spouse and like how todeliver some of these things.
Um yeah, problem solving.
I have couples who will be like, oh, we'll go do something
together, like go to a houseparty, and my spouse wants to
leave after two hours.
I'm like then take two cars,right?
Like, and that's a that's a waythat my husband and I have
solved.
That problem is, sometimes afriend would have a party and we
would be there all afternoonand like into the evening and my
(09:27):
husband has had enough, and soI would say I'm going to stay
with the kids until 11 or 12o'clock, if that's okay and he's
like fine, let's just take twocars.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Like.
This is why, like couplestherapy can be so helpful for
couples because, like we'reoften doing some of that problem
solving with them, like, okay,let's talk about the issue,
let's work around some of thesethings, all right, what else do
you see?
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Well so, jenna, spender versus saver, and I know
you come from a family that hassome strong values about saving
money, so why don't you takethis one?
Yes?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Well, my family, especially my dad's side, has
like a banking history.
So I feel like it was like wewere socialized to, like you
know, save money.
My sister always talks aboutthis like when we talk about
like how cheap we can be, it'slike, well, like you know, our
dad like was socialized to belike I am protecting people's
(10:19):
money like at all costs.
Um, so I tend to be the saverin my relationship.
Um, and my husband and Iactually it's like really funny
joke.
This was when we were dating.
We like went to CVS and he usedlike a certain type of
deodorant and I convinced him tosave a dollar and get the like
Walgreens version or CVS versionof the deodorant and one night
(10:41):
he was like putting it on andhe's like save a dollar, suffer
a year.
So like he'll say thatthroughout our relationship
because I'm totally the personwho's like let's save this money
.
But sometimes it's like itfeels like everybody in our
family is suffering because I'mlike being cheap or, as Nari
says.
But yes, I see this often thatlike usually there's one person
who's more comfortable spendingin the relationship and one
(11:04):
person who has like higher goalsto save or be frugal, and this
comes up a lot because financesis like a big topic in marriages
and relationships.
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
And I find that people handle their money very
differently.
Some people have joint accounts, some people have separate
accounts, but it is worthwhilehaving the conversations about
what are our financial goals.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yes, to be intentional.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, then, how do we , you know, adjust our spending
and saving to meet those goals?
So I think sometimes peoplehave a hard time being like well
, I'm not just going to notspend money just for no reason.
But if it's like we're savingfor a house or we're saving for
vacations, then people can geton board of like there's a
(11:50):
common good here, that's goingto happen Well, and a lot of
times there are differences onwhat couples are comfortable
spending money on right.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Like a lot of women, like to shop, and you know,
maybe you know I love to save,but I also love to spend on
certain areas.
So good things to talk about inyour relationship and to have
open and honest conversationsabout.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Another common difference that I will see in
couples that come up when wetalk about communication
conflict is what we would labelas internal versus external
processor.
So an internal processor, whois probably someone who likes to
think about things quietly likeinside their mind, versus an
(12:37):
external processor, isprocessing things out loud,
verbally, often, while they'rehappening.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
They want to talk things through Like so what does
this look like when conflictsarises?
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Right, so the external processor wants to talk
and figure it out right now Yepand the internal processor is
like I need time.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yep, I need space.
I need space yes.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
And so that leads to often what we call the
pursuer-distancer pattern.
The pursuer is the externalprocessor, and literally I've
had couples tell me my partnerwill chase me around the house.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
They don't want to let things go.
They like are like.
We have to resolve this rightnow.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Right, and then the internal processor is the
distancer.
They are the one running awaygoing can you give me some space
?
Yeah, like I'm not ready totalk about it, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Like I need to process these things first.
So again, good to have thisawareness about how you show up
in a relationship and also wheredoes your partner fall Right.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah, you have to find that balance between
letting the external processortalk but also giving the
internal processor their timeand space so that they can
really you know, respond to youin a way that's meaningful.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Yeah, another difference I see commonly come
up, and maybe it's because it'ssummer right now and people are
like planning trips.
Sometimes one partner is aplanner and the other partner is
a little bit more okay withspontaneity or not having
everything planned out which oneare you, Jenna?
Speaker 1 (14:11):
So?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
it's.
You know, as I reflect on this,I'm like it kind of depends on
the situation.
I feel like, you know, I haveADHD, so I've had to become more
organized and planned.
But that's not the way I tendto run and if I don't have
responsibility, like work andchildren, like with that, I need
to be organized Right, causeotherwise I am a scattered mess.
(14:32):
But like on vacation, when itwas just my husband and I, like
he would like to be the plannerand I was the spontaneous one so
like for our honeymoon.
I remember we planned aroundthis cause my husband like
wanted an itinerary and I waslike that is so boring for a
honeymoon.
Like we were going to Thailand.
I was like I do not want everyhour of our day planned out.
So he worked with somebody tocome up with a plan.
(14:53):
But it felt spontaneous becausehe didn't share it with me and
like would just say like youneed to wear X, y, z today.
You know whether we were goingto like a temple and had to be
conservative in our dress orlike going swimming, and so it
felt spontaneous.
It felt like, oh, each day, isnew and I'm going to be doing
these different activities, butI felt like it would have been
so boring had I known everysingle thing we were going to do
(15:15):
in advance.
So it depends on the contextfor me?
Speaker 1 (15:19):
How about for you?
Oh, I am definitely a planner.
I knew what you were going tosay and I realized this again
early on in my marriage.
I'll never forget one Fridaynight.
My husband said hey, let's justtake the kids to Disney, let's
just get in the car like, andlet's just go to Disney.
And I remember being like, andmy first thought was but what
(15:42):
about the laundry I have to do?
I was so concerned aboutcatching up on laundry because
in my mind I had said, like thisweekend I'm going to catch up
on housework and I had to havelike a conversation with myself
about Disney is fun, it'll begreat for the kids, like the
laundry did y'all go?
Speaker 2 (16:01):
yes, we went.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
He convinced you, but it was.
It was very eye-opening to methat I had to do that much
self-talk.
To talk myself out of thelaundry is calling.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah, it's funny, cause I like I'm thinking about
um.
We had kids at this point butit was our anniversary and we
didn't have plans.
And I remember I put, like um,my middle child down for his nap
and all of a sudden I was likeI want to look up a place to go
sit.
Like this is so boring thatwe're like it's our anniversary
weekend and we're just at homein Tallahassee.
(16:34):
So I like looked up a beachplace, like we packed the car
while my son was napping and gotin the car and went to to a
beach and on vacation.
So I'm spontaneous in in thatway.
But like there are other typeswhere I'm like I need a plan, I
need to be organized, and so itjust it depends, right.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
And again, like Jenna said earlier, it's good to know
these things.
Um, have your ownself-awareness and then think
about how does this show up inyour relationship and where can
I meet my partner in the middleif they're different from me?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Right.
Well, and it's funny becausesome of this self-awareness came
from, like, my own individualtherapy.
Like I remember, the firsttherapist I like truly worked
with was like oh wow, likeyou're actually spontaneous with
certain decisions, but likewith big life decisions, she is
like you do not take theselightly.
So, like on a whim, I will plana trip Right.
(17:26):
But like to marry my husband,it took me 10 years to be like
okay, we're getting married.
You know, like with the big lifedecisions, I will like stew and
take time to like really thinkthrough these things.
So, yes, having thatself-awareness is so important.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Yeah, absolutely Well .
Last one we want to talk aboutfor today common relationship
difference kind of goes alongwith internal versus external
processor, especially becauseI'll see it with communication
and conflict is people whorecover emotionally very quickly
versus someone who's slow torecover and a lot of times those
(18:06):
two people find each other andget married.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Always right.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
And so you'll see this complaint about one person
saying, like you know, we have afight, but in a couple of hours
I'm like hey, let's go getsomething to eat.
Or like let's snuggle, and theother partner is like stay away
from me, you know, and they willtake days to recover, and it
can be somewhat wounding for theperson who wants to recover.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Who's ready to move on?
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, and then the person who needs more time is
like you're not respecting myemotional needs.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yes, yes, we hear that script often and you know
what's so interesting aboutthese things is, sometimes I
feel like we're socialized tothink like, oh, if there are
these differences, like we'renot meant to be together and
that's not the case.
Like it's so common to havethese relationship differences
and some of the research showsthat, like the more alike you
are with your partner in regardsto like values and SES, the
(19:01):
more likely you are to staytogether.
And I always say like yes, wecan look at that research and
say like okay, cause some peoplewill say, like I need to find
somebody who's just like me, butI I'm not a big proponent of
that.
I'm like you can have a lot ofdifferences in a relationship.
It's really how those arehandled and that's why we're
such big proponents on theself-awareness piece, having
(19:23):
open conversations and knowing,like what can you handle in
differences and what can you notRight?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
No, I, I definitely think you long-term
relationships are about managingdifferences right and
constantly being able to giveand take a little Um and so I, I
don't think you're ever goingto find someone who's exactly
like you.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I mean, it's there's just so much variety and
personality, yeah, and I think,like we tend, as humans, to have
that like negativity bias, sosometimes we focus on all the
ways that we're different fromour partner, right, so like I'm
giving these like oh, examplesof this person's messy versus.
And we're like, oh, we're sodifferent.
But like oftentimes I'mreminding couples like you're on
(20:08):
the same team.
But like oftentimes I'mreminding couples, like you're
on the same team, you want thesame things in life.
Like a lot of times couples dohave like similar value.
Like when you take a step awayfrom these, like common
differences and money habits.
Or like how we attach meaningto money.
Like a lot of times couples arevery similar and are on the
same team even though, of course, differences exist.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Absolutely very similar and are on the same team
, even though, of course,differences exist Absolutely,
and that's why, again, it's soimportant to be able to have
these conversations with yourpartner.
But also, if you just feeloverwhelmed, this is a great
topic to go to a couplestherapist about.
You don't have to haverelationship ending conflict to
go to a couple's therapist andjust iron out a couple of these
(20:51):
things and say how do we handlethe fact that you know my
partner needs a little bit morespace and time to get over a
conflict?
And that couple's therapist cangive you some strategies, some
ways of communicating, safetyand emotional connection while
also giving your partner space.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, because what we see with couples is oftentimes
like the same fights arehappening over and over again,
and I think that's why wehighlighted some of these
differences, because it might belike these differences are
coming up again and again andagain.
So reach out to somebody elseto talk about them and get some
tools.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I agree, jenna could scream it from the rooftops.
Well, thanks for listening tothis episode and don't forget to
subscribe so you don't miss thenext one.
Hi and welcome to another episode of the Coupled
Podcast.
In today's episode we are goingto tackle some of the common
relationship differences we seein couples, and while these
differences can start off asminor annoyances, we also find
that they can lead to big areasof conflict in a relationship.
(00:21):
But also we're going to checkin with each other.
So, jenna, I'm going to ask youhow's your summer going so far?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
So far it is going.
We are not quite into thegroove of summer yet.
So this is the first year thatmy kids are having to do summer
camp and I was actually tellingNari this morning all three of
my kids they're in differentcamps but they all had water day
today, which meant that I hadto get sunscreen on them,
bathing suits, extra swimdiapers, extra change of clothes
(00:52):
Like there was so much involvedand sunscreen on everybody,
labeled towels, and so much sothat sorry, his phone going off,
she's a busy lady.
So much so that I was like Ibroke a sweat getting my kids
ready this morning.
So we're not quite into thegroove, but I like here's,
(01:12):
there's a part of me as a parentthat's like, oh my goodness,
this is so much work.
But I'm also like giddy withexcitement for my kids.
Like how much fun is a waterday at camp camp yeah, why are
all these going off?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
y'all are contacting nari for some sessions right now
, right um, jenna, I would saylike I'm in a different phase of
life.
My boys are older now.
Um, I will say.
What's interesting is they'renot going to any camps and
because they don't have a lot ofstructure, I'm leaving them
lists every day Like you have todo 20 minutes of reading, you
(01:48):
have to do a couple of mathproblems in their summer math.
You have to practice yourguitar, unload the dishwasher.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Okay that you were bringing up memories for me,
Cause my mom used to be like.
You'll have to load thedishwasher by the time I get
back.
Um yeah, and I remember mysister and I used to fight over
like who got the top shelfversus the bottom shelf, because
the bottom shelf was alwaysharder to unload, right.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
But I will say it's neat to see my boys and how they
tackle these things.
Independence yeah, they arevery independent.
They actually know whereeverything goes in the kitchen
so they put things in thecorrect spaces.
Actually know where everythinggoes in the kitchen, so they put
things in the correct spacesand they like they actually line
(02:32):
through or check off like everylittle thing on the list and
they like to get it done earlierin the day so they have the
rest of the day to relax.
So it has been a neat summer towatch my kids like just kind of
grow up right before my eyes.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, and this is why , like, it's always so
interesting to talk to Nariabout these things, because I'm
in the phase where, like thereis no separation, I was telling
her I was like I knew we had torecord, like I tried to wake up
early.
Um, this week I'm trying tolike work out before the kids
wake up, which I've never beensuccessful with um in the
history of being a parent andI'm like try it, like I try it
every, like six months, and oneday this week I woke up at like
(03:05):
five 45, at five 46.
My youngest was like hey, rightnext to the bed.
So, um, but I'm trying to enjoythe parts of this phase of life
because there is a lot of funin it.
Um, but I also have some somestruggles with being needed 24-7
.
And it's nice to talk to Nariabout how one day my kids will
(03:28):
have some more independence andI won't be sweating like running
around looking for everybody'swater shoes, like my kids might
know where their water shoes arein a few years.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Yes, oh, my goodness.
Well, jenna and I just wantedto take a minute to share with
you all what's going on in ourlives, and just a reminder that
you know, life is always goingto be busy, no matter what stage
you're at yeah, so let's jumpinto it.
We're talking about commonrelationship, differences we see
when working with couples.
(03:58):
So what do you got, jenna?
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Yeah, well, sometimes like couples are not arguing
about these like major issuesthat we bring up.
It's not always like oh mygoodness, our finances.
Like sometimes it's like thesmall things that drive people
crazy in relationships.
So one of the ones I commonlysee people complain about or
lament about is clean versusmessy.
There's a partner who likescleanliness and order and a
partner who tends to be messier.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
Yeah, exactly.
Um, that is, and here's thething even when you get two
clean people together, one ofthose people will be the messier
person.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Does that make sense?
There's no, we are equallyclean, yeah, you never meet
somebody who's like the exactsame as you like both people
might like a little bit moreorder, Um, but yeah, but I
commonly see, yeah, there's likesomebody who would label
themselves as the clean one inthe relationship and one who
well, and there are differentdefinitions of clean too, Like.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Let me give you an example.
I don't know what it is aboutclothes, but I'm a fanatic about
my clothes being clean and, inmy mind, if my clothing touches
the floor, like if you take offa pair of pants and they've laid
on the floor for a day- theyare dirty but other people would
be like no, they're still clean, right.
So it's not even just you know.
(05:16):
You might have like adesignated drop zone and your
partner is like no, that'sthat's dirty.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
And here's another thing Like I like the house
clean and that like it has beenclean.
Things have been wiped down,but my house is not always tidy.
Does that make sense?
Like with kids, I feel likethere's clutter and just stuff
everywhere.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yes, exactly so.
Sometimes couples have to learnto clarify what is clean mean
what is messy.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Yes, and sometimes, like I feel like a common
suggestion with like couples whocan afford it.
If one person's cleaning allthe time and they feel like
they're cleaning up after theirspouse, or their spouse isn't as
invested in the cleaning of thehousehold, I'm like, can you
just hire somebody in?
This will reduce conflict.
So, like my husband and I evenlike when I was a graduate
(06:03):
student and he was making verylittle money, we hired somebody.
Like that was so important toour relationship.
I was like I will be lessfrustrated with you if we just
have somebody come in, even ifit's once a month.
So I'm always like, if you canhire somebody, like if you're
comfortable with having somebodycome in your home and clean,
like maybe this is somethingthat you can just like throw
(06:25):
some money at and it will reduceconflict in your relationship.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Absolutely.
I'm all about hiring it out.
When in doubt, hire it out.
What else?
Um?
A common one, which I've talkedabout in another episode, is
introvert versus extrovert.
I see a lot of couples havingdisagreements about how they use
their time or like what'sexpected, how much socializing,
(06:48):
how much free time alone do Ihave?
And I do think you know thatthat socialization is good,
right, and I think in society wehave this bias towards like
being social is viewed as like apositive thing.
So, on the opposite of that,being more introverted can be
viewed as negative yes but, andyou know, for those people who
(07:10):
are introverted, they're quitecomfortable with their levels of
introversion.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
Well, that's what like nari and I talk about this
a lot like even in this littlecoupled relationship.
Like nari, historically youhave been an extrovert and I am
an introvert People often aresurprised to hear that because I
feel like I'm an outgoingintrovert, but like I need my
quiet time, I need my space.
I'm like chuckling as we'retalking about this difference,
because last night I told myhusband I was like I'll be with
(07:37):
you and spend time with you, butI need you to stop talking.
And I was like I'll be with youand spend time with you, but I
need you to stop talking.
And that's where I'm likesometimes I am like so honest in
relationships but I'm like wecan still hang out, but like I
need you to just not talk to mebecause I need some quiet.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Right and well, that was always a point of conflict
too, because when I met myhusband, he would spend so much
time with me and he would talkto me all the time, so I
actually thought he was anextrovert.
And then, once we got marriedand we settled into the rhythm
of life and I realized, like heis an introvert, I was like, oh
(08:11):
my goodness, like and I.
And there's this quality oflike.
Introverts pick their peoplewisely, right and so around me,
or the children.
My husband is very engaged but,around others he'll be like.
I need a break from you.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Right, yeah, and I'm similar Like I think when I'm
around good friends and it takesme a lot of like warm up to
people, but like people getsurprised when they hear I'm an
introvert Cause they're like, oh, I feel like you're outgoing,
but I'm like, no, I need myspace, I need me time, I need my
independence in relationships.
So, yeah, it's very common andthis is why, like, it's
important.
It's not about like, whetherdifferences exist in your
(08:49):
relationship, but really it'sabout, like, how you handle them
.
And, like my husband, he justdoes not get offended easily, so
I can say, like I'll spend timewith you, but I need you to not
talk.
Some people might be deeplyoffended, right?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
So, like, you have to know yourself and you have to
know your spouse and like how todeliver some of these things.
Um yeah, problem solving.
I have couples who will be like, oh, we'll go do something
together, like go to a houseparty, and my spouse wants to
leave after two hours.
I'm like then take two cars,right?
Like, and that's a that's a waythat my husband and I have
solved.
That problem is, sometimes afriend would have a party and we
would be there all afternoonand like into the evening and my
(09:27):
husband has had enough, and soI would say I'm going to stay
with the kids until 11 or 12o'clock, if that's okay and he's
like fine, let's just take twocars.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Like.
This is why, like couplestherapy can be so helpful for
couples because, like we'reoften doing some of that problem
solving with them, like, okay,let's talk about the issue,
let's work around some of thesethings, all right, what else do
you see?
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Well so, jenna, spender versus saver, and I know
you come from a family that hassome strong values about saving
money, so why don't you takethis one?
Yes?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Well, my family, especially my dad's side, has
like a banking history.
So I feel like it was like wewere socialized to, like you
know, save money.
My sister always talks aboutthis like when we talk about
like how cheap we can be, it'slike, well, like you know, our
dad like was socialized to belike I am protecting people's
(10:19):
money like at all costs.
Um, so I tend to be the saverin my relationship.
Um, and my husband and Iactually it's like really funny
joke.
This was when we were dating.
We like went to CVS and he usedlike a certain type of
deodorant and I convinced him tosave a dollar and get the like
Walgreens version or CVS versionof the deodorant and one night
(10:41):
he was like putting it on andhe's like save a dollar, suffer
a year.
So like he'll say thatthroughout our relationship
because I'm totally the personwho's like let's save this money
.
But sometimes it's like itfeels like everybody in our
family is suffering because I'mlike being cheap or, as Nari
says.
But yes, I see this often thatlike usually there's one person
who's more comfortable spendingin the relationship and one
(11:04):
person who has like higher goalsto save or be frugal, and this
comes up a lot because financesis like a big topic in marriages
and relationships.
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
And I find that people handle their money very
differently.
Some people have joint accounts, some people have separate
accounts, but it is worthwhilehaving the conversations about
what are our financial goals.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yes, to be intentional.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, then, how do we , you know, adjust our spending
and saving to meet those goals?
So I think sometimes peoplehave a hard time being like well
, I'm not just going to notspend money just for no reason.
But if it's like we're savingfor a house or we're saving for
vacations, then people can geton board of like there's a
(11:50):
common good here, that's goingto happen Well, and a lot of
times there are differences onwhat couples are comfortable
spending money on right.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Like a lot of women, like to shop, and you know,
maybe you know I love to save,but I also love to spend on
certain areas.
So good things to talk about inyour relationship and to have
open and honest conversationsabout.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Another common difference that I will see in
couples that come up when wetalk about communication
conflict is what we would labelas internal versus external
processor.
So an internal processor, whois probably someone who likes to
think about things quietly likeinside their mind, versus an
(12:37):
external processor, isprocessing things out loud,
verbally, often, while they'rehappening.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
They want to talk things through Like so what does
this look like when conflictsarises?
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Right, so the external processor wants to talk
and figure it out right now Yepand the internal processor is
like I need time.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yep, I need space.
I need space yes.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
And so that leads to often what we call the
pursuer-distancer pattern.
The pursuer is the externalprocessor, and literally I've
had couples tell me my partnerwill chase me around the house.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
They don't want to let things go.
They like are like.
We have to resolve this rightnow.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Right, and then the internal processor is the
distancer.
They are the one running awaygoing can you give me some space
?
Yeah, like I'm not ready totalk about it, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Like I need to process these things first.
So again, good to have thisawareness about how you show up
in a relationship and also wheredoes your partner fall Right.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah, you have to find that balance between
letting the external processortalk but also giving the
internal processor their timeand space so that they can
really you know, respond to youin a way that's meaningful.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Yeah, another difference I see commonly come
up, and maybe it's because it'ssummer right now and people are
like planning trips.
Sometimes one partner is aplanner and the other partner is
a little bit more okay withspontaneity or not having
everything planned out which oneare you, Jenna?
Speaker 1 (14:11):
So?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
it's.
You know, as I reflect on this,I'm like it kind of depends on
the situation.
I feel like, you know, I haveADHD, so I've had to become more
organized and planned.
But that's not the way I tendto run and if I don't have
responsibility, like work andchildren, like with that, I need
to be organized Right, causeotherwise I am a scattered mess.
(14:32):
But like on vacation, when itwas just my husband and I, like
he would like to be the plannerand I was the spontaneous one so
like for our honeymoon.
I remember we planned aroundthis cause my husband like
wanted an itinerary and I waslike that is so boring for a
honeymoon.
Like we were going to Thailand.
I was like I do not want everyhour of our day planned out.
So he worked with somebody tocome up with a plan.
(14:53):
But it felt spontaneous becausehe didn't share it with me and
like would just say like youneed to wear X, y, z today.
You know whether we were goingto like a temple and had to be
conservative in our dress orlike going swimming, and so it
felt spontaneous.
It felt like, oh, each day, isnew and I'm going to be doing
these different activities, butI felt like it would have been
so boring had I known everysingle thing we were going to do
(15:15):
in advance.
So it depends on the contextfor me?
Speaker 1 (15:19):
How about for you?
Oh, I am definitely a planner.
I knew what you were going tosay and I realized this again
early on in my marriage.
I'll never forget one Fridaynight.
My husband said hey, let's justtake the kids to Disney, let's
just get in the car like, andlet's just go to Disney.
And I remember being like, andmy first thought was but what
(15:42):
about the laundry I have to do?
I was so concerned aboutcatching up on laundry because
in my mind I had said, like thisweekend I'm going to catch up
on housework and I had to havelike a conversation with myself
about Disney is fun, it'll begreat for the kids, like the
laundry did y'all go?
Speaker 2 (16:01):
yes, we went.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
He convinced you, but it was.
It was very eye-opening to methat I had to do that much
self-talk.
To talk myself out of thelaundry is calling.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah, it's funny, cause I like I'm thinking about
um.
We had kids at this point butit was our anniversary and we
didn't have plans.
And I remember I put, like um,my middle child down for his nap
and all of a sudden I was likeI want to look up a place to go
sit.
Like this is so boring thatwe're like it's our anniversary
weekend and we're just at homein Tallahassee.
(16:34):
So I like looked up a beachplace, like we packed the car
while my son was napping and gotin the car and went to to a
beach and on vacation.
So I'm spontaneous in in thatway.
But like there are other typeswhere I'm like I need a plan, I
need to be organized, and so itjust it depends, right.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
And again, like Jenna said earlier, it's good to know
these things.
Um, have your ownself-awareness and then think
about how does this show up inyour relationship and where can
I meet my partner in the middleif they're different from me?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Right.
Well, and it's funny becausesome of this self-awareness came
from, like, my own individualtherapy.
Like I remember, the firsttherapist I like truly worked
with was like oh wow, likeyou're actually spontaneous with
certain decisions, but likewith big life decisions, she is
like you do not take theselightly.
So, like on a whim, I will plana trip Right.
(17:26):
But like to marry my husband,it took me 10 years to be like
okay, we're getting married.
You know, like with the big lifedecisions, I will like stew and
take time to like really thinkthrough these things.
So, yes, having thatself-awareness is so important.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Yeah, absolutely Well .
Last one we want to talk aboutfor today common relationship
difference kind of goes alongwith internal versus external
processor, especially becauseI'll see it with communication
and conflict is people whorecover emotionally very quickly
versus someone who's slow torecover and a lot of times those
(18:06):
two people find each other andget married.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Always right.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
And so you'll see this complaint about one person
saying, like you know, we have afight, but in a couple of hours
I'm like hey, let's go getsomething to eat.
Or like let's snuggle, and theother partner is like stay away
from me, you know, and they willtake days to recover, and it
can be somewhat wounding for theperson who wants to recover.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Who's ready to move on?
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, and then the person who needs more time is
like you're not respecting myemotional needs.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yes, yes, we hear that script often and you know
what's so interesting aboutthese things is, sometimes I
feel like we're socialized tothink like, oh, if there are
these differences, like we'renot meant to be together and
that's not the case.
Like it's so common to havethese relationship differences
and some of the research showsthat, like the more alike you
are with your partner in regardsto like values and SES, the
(19:01):
more likely you are to staytogether.
And I always say like yes, wecan look at that research and
say like okay, cause some peoplewill say, like I need to find
somebody who's just like me, butI I'm not a big proponent of
that.
I'm like you can have a lot ofdifferences in a relationship.
It's really how those arehandled and that's why we're
such big proponents on theself-awareness piece, having
(19:23):
open conversations and knowing,like what can you handle in
differences and what can you notRight?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
No, I, I definitely think you long-term
relationships are about managingdifferences right and
constantly being able to giveand take a little Um and so I, I
don't think you're ever goingto find someone who's exactly
like you.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I mean, it's there's just so much variety and
personality, yeah, and I think,like we tend, as humans, to have
that like negativity bias, sosometimes we focus on all the
ways that we're different fromour partner, right, so like I'm
giving these like oh, examplesof this person's messy versus.
And we're like, oh, we're sodifferent.
But like oftentimes I'mreminding couples like you're on
(20:08):
the same team.
But like oftentimes I'mreminding couples, like you're
on the same team, you want thesame things in life.
Like a lot of times couples dohave like similar value.
Like when you take a step awayfrom these, like common
differences and money habits.
Or like how we attach meaningto money.
Like a lot of times couples arevery similar and are on the
same team even though, of course, differences exist.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Absolutely very similar and are on the same team
, even though, of course,differences exist Absolutely,
and that's why, again, it's soimportant to be able to have
these conversations with yourpartner.
But also, if you just feeloverwhelmed, this is a great
topic to go to a couplestherapist about.
You don't have to haverelationship ending conflict to
go to a couple's therapist andjust iron out a couple of these
(20:51):
things and say how do we handlethe fact that you know my
partner needs a little bit morespace and time to get over a
conflict?
And that couple's therapist cangive you some strategies, some
ways of communicating, safetyand emotional connection while
also giving your partner space.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, because what we see with couples is oftentimes
like the same fights arehappening over and over again,
and I think that's why wehighlighted some of these
differences, because it might belike these differences are
coming up again and again andagain.
So reach out to somebody elseto talk about them and get some
tools.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I agree, jenna could scream it from the rooftops.
Well, thanks for listening tothis episode and don't forget to
subscribe so you don't miss thenext one.
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