Season 2 Episode 5: Red Flags and Gut Feelings: Understanding the Cheater Profile

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Season 2 Episode 5: Red Flags and Gut Feelings: Understanding the Cheater Profile

Navigating the murky waters of suspected infidelity can leave you questioning your sanity and second-guessing your instincts. We dive deep into the behavioral patterns that might indicate a partner is cheating, while emphasizing an important caveat: these signs alone don't definitively prove unfaithfulness.

From our therapy room experiences, we reveal the complex emotional landscape cheaters often navigate - not just the euphoria and excitement of a new connection, but the crushing guilt, anxiety, and fear of "blowing up their lives" that frequently accompanies infidelity. We explore how technology has transformed affairs, with suspicious phone habits, social media interactions, and digital connections creating new avenues for betrayal. These changes often accompany shifts in time management, unexplained absences, and financial inconsistencies that leave partners wondering what's really happening.

Perhaps most powerful is our discussion of intuition - that gut feeling something's wrong that so many betrayed partners report having ignored. We examine how gaslighting around these instincts creates a devastating double betrayal, making the journey back to trust even more challenging. Whether you're worried about your relationship or simply want to understand healthy boundaries, we offer practical guidance for having non-defensive conversations about relationship concerns. Remember that many of these behaviors could have innocent explanations, which is why clear communication about what constitutes infidelity in your specific relationship is absolutely essential. Ready to strengthen your relationship's foundation? Start by defining fidelity together and creating space for honest dialogue about your concerns.

Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari are the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists behind the  Coupled Podcast. They both have private practices where they work with individuals, couples, and families in Florida. The two are ready to shake up the world of couples therapy and want to extend resources beyond the couples they see in their private practices. 

If you like this episode and want to know more about taking the next step to improve your communication, connection, and intimacy, head over to our websites to learn more about our Staying Coupled and Getting Coupled courses. These online courses give you the flexibility to improve your relationship from the comfort and convenience of your home. The Staying Coupled course is for couples who want to do the work to connect, communicate, and have the healthiest relationship possible. The Getting Coupled course is for premarital couples wanting to learn the essentials for a successful marriage. Topics in both courses include the main issues couples face:

1. Communication​
2. Family Boundaries
3. Family Finances
4. Sex
5. Family Planning
6. Division of Labor
7. Couple Activities

For more information, visit drjennascott.com/courses or drnarijeter.com/courses

Disclaimer: This podcast is not a substitute for therapy. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to seek support from a licensed therapist in your state. Our relationship suggestions and content may not be applicable or advised for relationships with intimate partner violence (IPV). If you need resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
In today's episode, we're tackling the issue of the
cheater profile.
So what are some of the signsthat a partner may be unfaithful
in a relationship?

Speaker 2 (00:09):
And Jenna.
Before we get started, just acaveat just because someone
shows these signs, it doesn'tmean they're having an affair.
However, if you are seeing manyof these behaviors, it may be
time to have a directconversation with your partner
about your concerns.
So let's jump into it.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
Yeah, and I will say like this is oftentimes like,
even if somebody's suspicious ofthese things, a great time to
reach out to a couples therapistto address some of the concerns
in therapy too.
So let's start by talking about, like, some of the feelings
that a cheater might beexperiencing, and sometimes
people reach out to us to comein individually if they find

(00:47):
themselves in an affair to workthrough some of the emotions
that are coming up.
So it's interesting because inprevious episodes of our podcast
we've talked about infidelityand there are often there's
secrecy.
There can be feelings of likeeuphoria and excitement, novelty
with an affair.
So those are like some of themaybe positive feelings that

(01:09):
somebody might be experiencing.
But what I'm often seeing in thetherapy room are these like
deep feelings of guilt, shame,anxiety is a major one that
comes up.
Like I will work with folks whofeel like and they will use
this language like they'reblowing up their lives, because
it's not uncommon for cheatersto maybe having an affair with a

(01:30):
co-worker, so it's like theirjob is at risk.
If they have children, they'relike thinking I might lose 50%
of my time with my child as well, so it truly feels like their
life might be at risk andfalling apart.
So sometimes they're notsleeping, they're not eating
like it can be eating away atthem.

Speaker 2 (01:53):
Yeah, absolutely Jenna.
And another kind of aspect toadd to that, when you're talking
about seeing peopleindividually for their
infidelity, is it's not our jobsas therapists to convince
someone to leave an affair or toget out of it.
We can't put our values or ourbiases on that, so all we can do

(02:14):
is help the client work through.
Basically, why are they doingthis?
Do they want to end therelationship, but it's not our
job to convince them to Right.

Speaker 1 (02:23):
Like we can ask questions for them to gain
clarity, but like we have tomove our values aside to work
with folks in therapy.
So I know that's something wetalk about often, but it's like
we might have our own feelingsabout these things.
We've been trained to put thoseto the side to meet the client
where they're at.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Yep, absolutely so.
Another thing we see areperhaps some changes in behavior
.
So you may see someone who'shaving an affair becoming more
emotionally distant orunavailable to their partner.
They actually may even go asfar as trying to alienate
themselves from their partnerthrough like causing arguments,

(03:05):
mistreating them, being verballyaggressive or making frequent
complaints.
So you'll hear someone say mypartner all of a sudden became
like a different person towardsme and I couldn't figure out why
.
They also may just show lessinterest overall in any type of
intimacy emotional or physicalinterest overall in any type of

(03:28):
intimacy, emotional or physical.
You can see sudden mood swingsand irritability, defensiveness
a lot of times surroundingquestions.
So, what's going on with you?
Why aren't you spending timewith me?
Where have you been?

Speaker 1 (03:39):
You know you seem different and you might see a
lot of defensiveness towardsquestions like that, yeah, and I
will say, like as a coupletherapist, like I have met with
couples before where like Onepartner just feels like so
distant in the couplerelationship and I can't quite
put my finger on it, butsometimes I am like they might
be having an affair, like that'ssomething, that distance.

(04:01):
I can sometimes feel it in thetherapy room and again like I
can't jump to conclusions, butit's just something that in the
back of my mind I might bequestioning or thinking it's so
interesting that you say that,because I've had that experience
too, where I've worked withcouples.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
so interesting that you say that because I've had
that experience too, where I'veworked with couples and I can't
put my finger on something thatfeels off right.
But I can't figure out what itis.
And then, literally months,sometimes a year later, one of
the clients will come back,maybe even the couple, and say
remember when we were seeing youlast year?
Well, partner A or partner Bwas having an affair.

Speaker 1 (04:39):
That has happened to me before too.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
Right.
And so there is this sense, Ithink, for us as trained couples
therapists, where we typicallyknow why couples are having
problems, but when there's anunexplained reason for having
problems, that triggers myspidey sense indicator yes
absolutely.

Speaker 1 (04:59):
Let's talk about, like some of the other habit
shifts, um one surroundingtechnology.
So one might be like thatsecrecy showing up with, like
guarding your phone, um takingit everywhere, um deleting texts
, call logs or browser history.
And again, like we want toassure you that like if your

(05:19):
partner does one of these things, it does not mean they're
having an affair.
So good to you know, haveconversations about these things
, but some of us just havehealthy work boundaries right,
Like I know, I kind of put myphone away when I get home
because I want to be with myhusband and my kids and like
that's a healthy thing.
But this is where you want tomake sure you have a

(05:40):
relationship that can have theseopen conversations.
The other thing we're seeingtoo and we've talked about this
before with infidelity is likemaybe increased interactions on
social media, so the DMs mightbe happening, Spending more time
online without explanation.

Speaker 2 (06:02):
Right, absolutely, and there's a lot of research to
show that a lot of affairs areoccurring online, which then
kind of breeds the question.
Kind of breeds the question andwe'll we've talked about this
before like what constitutes anaffair, because people might be
exchanging texts or DMS withsomeone that they actually don't
know in real life or wouldnever see in real life, but

(06:25):
people still find that to be abetrayal.

Speaker 1 (06:28):
Right, absolutely.
And this is where, like, socialmedia has totally changed, like
access to people, because whatI've also seen is a trend of,
like old girlfriends or peoplefrom your life showing up on
Facebook, instagram andcontacting, and you know, these
are conversations that need tobe had about what constitutes

(06:48):
infidelity in your relationship.
Right?

Speaker 2 (06:50):
If you think about it 20 or 30 years ago, you may
have broken up with someone andjust never know what happened to
them.

Speaker 1 (06:57):
Never seen them again .
Yeah, Now it's like you canemail, you can reach people.

Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah absolutely Um.
Another habit, like Jennatalked about, is just an
unexplained change in the timethat, that person is spending
with their family, so are theyworking late more often?
Are they all of a sudden takingbusiness trips and maybe these
are trips that before you werewelcome to go on and you're not

(07:23):
invited?
Anymore, Errands that take toolong.

Speaker 1 (07:28):
Yeah, I thought they were running to Target, but they
were gone half the day, right.

Speaker 2 (07:32):
Or just disappearing for stretches of time without
any clear reason or contact andnot being able to like reach
them.

Speaker 1 (07:41):
Right.

Speaker 2 (07:41):
Like normally I can.
It comes to like hotels,restaurants, sometimes gifts.

Speaker 1 (07:58):
And this is not uncommon, like when I work with
folks in therapy.
Sometimes seeing receipts orchecking the credit card bill is
like how the affair ends upgetting discovered.
Yes, yeah.
So just less transparency aboutsome of the finances can be one

(08:18):
of those clues.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
Another smoking gun clue could be appearance and
lifestyle changes.
So if a partner all of a suddenstarts taking an interest in
dressing better or differently,kind of out of the blue new
cologne, new perfume, newfitness habits, new grooming
routines or just a lot ofinterest in privacy or me time,

(08:46):
and I know again that throughthe lifespan sometimes people
like to reinvest in themselves.

Speaker 1 (08:53):
Yeah, and spending time away from your spouse can
be healthy.
So this is why, like, this istricky, right, like there's a
lot of gray, we're not sayinglike, oh, if your spouse, like,
suddenly develops a workoutroutine, like you need to call
your couples therapist yourlocal couples therapist.
But we are saying, like, whenthese things are taken together,
these can be some indicators.

(09:14):
Yes, together these can be someindicators, yes.
One of the things I commonlytry to check in with my clients
on is like that gut instinct andit's just this feeling that
like something is off, like myintuition is telling me that,
like something's off in therelationship, something's off in
my partner, and this issomething that I think sometimes
people become disconnected withover time.

(09:37):
But after affairs arediscovered, I feel like people
are like I knew, like I knewthat something was wrong in my
relationship.

Speaker 2 (09:47):
And Jenna.
I find that that becomes abigger point of I don't know
like betrayal that people needto process when they're
recovering from an affair,because what happens is they
will say my gut told mesomething was wrong.
I confronted my partner and mypartner is like what are you
talking about?
Everything's fine or you'recrazy.

Speaker 1 (10:09):
They assured me yes, or I was gaslit.
I Everything's fine, or you'recrazy.
They assured me yes, or I wasgaslit.

Speaker 2 (10:12):
I was gaslit, that's the word, and so that creates
some agony with that partnerthat my gut was screaming at me
that something was wrong.
And then I confronted mypartner.
They invalidated me, they weredefensive, they put me down and
I was right all along.
So it becomes like anotherlayer of betrayal, where you

(10:34):
betrayed me in the relationship,but you also made me feel like
I was betraying my gut instinct.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
Yes, absolutely.
And that's the thing, like Iknow we're focusing on the
cheater profile but, like thebetrayed that's something like
when I'm working with themone-on-one.
It's like how do you get backto trusting yourself?
Because it's like it's onething to forgive a partner for
all of the things that they didSome people choose to forgive,
some people choose not toforgive but it's a whole other

(11:02):
layer to try and like figure outhow to trust yourself again and
get reconnected to that gutinstinct.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Yes, exactly self again and get reconnected to
that gut instinct.
Yes, exactly, and kind of alast overall kind of profile of
infidelity would be justbehavioral contradictions, like
just things, and this could goalong with gut instinct, but
just stories that don't add up.
Maybe calling you by the wrongname, Okay, have you ever heard

(11:29):
that in?
Therapy happening.
Yes, yeah, okay, that'ssomething that, like I feel like
I'll like read on.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
You know a block, but I've never actually heard it in
a therapy session with folks.
You have heard it.

Speaker 2 (11:41):
Yes, I have, and then you know just kind of, oh it's
what happens is, oh, it'ssomeone I work with or whatever.
Sorry, it was an accident, butyes, that has happened and has
tipped partners off to be like.
I need to reevaluate myspouse's relationship with
so-and-so Right.

Speaker 1 (12:01):
Well, this does remind me too is that, like,
oftentimes, like, of course,there are these affairs that
happen, that are these one nightstands, but oftentimes, like
the types of affairs I'm workingwith couples around are ones
where, like, they know the otherperson and it's not uncommon
for them to have talked about itbecause it could be a household

(12:22):
before which is like anotherlayer to all of this that can be
quite difficult to unpack afterthe fact.

Speaker 2 (12:37):
Well, and another thing that can come up is we've
talked about a lot of symptomsor changes in behavior that look
negative, but sometimes I willoften see the opposite, where
relationship quality improves alittle bit during an affair and
that partner might be overlyattentive, right.

(12:58):
So they start wanting to havemore sex, or like buying you
gifts, like compensating yeah,yeah, overcompensating yeah that
could be very much guilt-driven.
I've seen that too.
And I've read some books beforetoo where people again this goes
back to something we talkedabout earlier in this episode
that sometimes people feel thissense of euphoria and they feel

(13:23):
good about life.
It's like the dopamine rush ofbeing in an affair.
It's like the dopamine rush oflike being in an affair, and if
someone, let's say, has been inan unhappy relationship or
hasn't been able to kind of pullthemselves out of a hole in
their relationship, if they feelgood in their affair, that can
affect their perspective ontheir relationship.

Speaker 1 (13:44):
Yeah, like their energy overall can shift to this
like positive.
You know so, and I think that'ssomething that like can be so
hurtful if and when the affairis discovered afterwards.
Right, it's like, oh, I wasfeeling really good about
everything.
You know, it's not always allnegative.
Um, and there is research thatshows like when we are in love,

(14:04):
like the brain in love is likesimilar to it, like the same
areas of the brain are activatedthat would be activated on
drugs.
Like there is truly like it canbe, these euphoria symptoms
where it's like I don't need toeat, Like life is just wonderful
and great, and so that can alsobe disorienting.
Again, we're focusing on thecheater profile, but it's hard

(14:27):
to not talk about like thealternative, like the betrayed
after cause.
They look back on some of thosememories and they're like I
thought we were so happy, Likewe were on these vacations and
life was.
Life was good.
So that's why a lot of thesethings.
It's like there's so much grayin all of this.

Speaker 2 (14:43):
It's really.
It's even hard for me to saythese things out loud, knowing
that listeners might be goingthrough these little check boxes
in their mind, but it's notessentially.
The caveat or takeaway we haveis that if you see these things
and you're able to talk to yourpartner about them in you know a
non like defensive ornon-aggressive way, I think that

(15:06):
that's really important becausethere could be very rational,
logical, non-affair, relatedreasons why people are doing
these things Like and when youlook at long-term relationships,
right, Like we've been inrelationships with our spouses
for decades, Like of course,some of these things are going
to come up in 20, 30 yearstogether.

Speaker 1 (15:27):
So again, like doesn't mean the affair is
definitely happening, but likehave conversations.
If you're going through thislist and saying like yep, yep,
yep, Um, so yeah, that's what weencourage you to do, and I will
say, like I have had couplesand individuals come in and say,
like my spouse thinks I amcheating on them, and like

(15:49):
that's not the case.
Or like, through our worktogether, it's like I don't
think that that is happening,but we do need to address some
of these areas and figure outways that you know we can make
sure everybody is settled andassured and like there is trust
in the relationship.

Speaker 2 (16:08):
Again, yes, absolutely, and we had talked
about this in a previous episode.
But it's always important to beclear on what is the definition
of infidelity in yourrelationship.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
We cannot say this enough.

Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yes, and so if you have never asked your partner
hey, what do you considercheating?
We encourage you to do that.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
Yeah, and to address, like all of these areas, like
talk about what happens whensomebody slides into the DMS
from you know a previous phasein your life.
How do you expect your spouseor partner to handle it?
Do you want to know when thishappens?
Like have all of theseconversations?

Speaker 2 (16:45):
right, absolutely, and yeah, you can use this as a
checklist.

Speaker 1 (17:00):
Like what do we expect with phones?
Like how do phones and socialmedia get handled?
Business trips, money.
Like it helps to not bedefensive.
So like if your partner isconcerned, to hear them out on
their concerns and then toinvite like hey, can I offer my
perspective Right?
Like I know you're concernedthat I'm putting my phone away

(17:20):
and I know a lot of people dothis when they're having affairs
.
Like I really am trying tocreate a healthy work boundary.
So like being non-defensivewhen your partner does bring
these things up to you canreally help establish trust in
the relationship.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
Absolutely, jenna.
That's great advice.
Well, I think this concludesour episode on the cheater
profile and, as always, thankyou for listening and tune in
for the next time.