December 11, 2024 • 30 mins
Authenticity is the cornerstone of meaningful relationships, as discussed by Dr. Ray Mitsch in this episode of the Outpost podcast. He dives into the complexities surrounding the concept of being genuine and the societal pressures that often lead us to present a curated version of ourselves. Dr. Mitsch emphasizes that true authenticity cannot be engineered; it emerges naturally through vulnerability and honest connections with others. He explores the role of fear and shame in hindering our willingness to be open, highlighting the importance of grace and compassion in fostering an environment where individuals feel safe to express their true selves. Ultimately, he encourages listeners to reflect on their own authenticity and consider how they can cultivate deeper, more genuine relationships within their communities.
Takeaways:
- Authenticity is about being genuine and known as we truly are, not just as we want others to see us.
- The challenge of authenticity often stems from our fear of disconnection and rejection.
- Being fully authentic requires vulnerability, which can be a daunting prospect in relationships.
- Grace and compassion play crucial roles in fostering authentic connections between individuals.
- We often hide our true selves due to the discomfort our emotions may cause others.
- Authenticity cannot be engineered; it emerges naturally from genuine interactions with others.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:17):
Well, welcome everyone toanother episode of the Outpost podcast.
I am Dr.
Ray Mitch, your host.
Thanks so much for taking timeout to listen in and maybe get some
information, challengesomething to think about, whatever
that might be.
But I'm glad you have joinedme for this brief moment in time
(00:41):
that if you're wondering, anda lot of you who have been listening
have heard me say this everytime, but the Outpost is a digital
place where we are buildingbridges back to faith or strengthening
the bridges of faith that arealready there.
And that's building it on.
One of the key items I want totalk about tonight is authenticity,
(01:03):
trust and grace and truth.
So there is going to be inthis outpost a commitment to intimacy,
knowing and being known by others.
And that's really what we'retrying to build.
This podcast is really just away to be the voice for that because
(01:24):
we want to create a spaceultimately, even if it's initially
digitally, where the doubtersand the wounded and the confused
and the beat up and beat downand the bent bruised who feel like
their lives are adisappointment to God to feel accepted
enough to be known and know others.
So we want to be a place wherepeople can meet the biblical Jesus
(01:47):
as he is, not as they haveheard he is.
And that's a key, and it'sembodied in how we relate to one
another.
So pull up a chair, getcomfortable, relax, and let's take
some time to think about theissues that are relevant to our time.
And the one in particularthing that I wanted to focus on,
(02:10):
and I recognize it's been awhile since I've been on the podcast
has been almost four or five weeks.
And full disclosure, it hasbeen a real tough four or five weeks.
Not only by virtue of the factthat I have moved into a season where
(02:30):
a lot of things were happeningin relationship to a good friend
of mine and we were havingconversations relatively frequently,
whether that's by text or invoice by voice, and it started to
his health began to slideabout this time.
And it was, it's hard torecall because at the time I wasn't
(02:53):
thinking about it.
Obviously I didn't know the future.
But I think the challenge is,and this is really on point for what
we're talking about tonight isI really quite honestly have not
had much motivation to do anything.
I've had enough motivation,enough energy to get through my classes
(03:17):
and teach and meet with peopleand so on and so forth.
But at certain point in myday, I'm pretty well like the Thanksgiving
turkey that it announces,stick Me, I'm done.
And that's kind of where I am.
So that's what goes into.
I haven't been on for goodfour weeks or so, I think, probably.
(03:42):
Yeah.
And so one of the things Iwant to talk about tonight, and to
some degree, I don't have towork real hard at doing it.
I say that cautiously, partlybecause it's a lot harder than it
(04:05):
seems.
Now, what is the it here?
Right.
And if there is anything thatI hear the most frequently among
the younger generation is theimportance of authenticity.
And the question, of course,is, before we get much further, is
how do we define our terms?
What exactly is authenticity?
To be authentic, to begenuine, to be known as we are.
(04:31):
And the reality is we're not.
I, you know, I count me, countmyself amongst that number.
It's hard partly because wehave gotten so committed to reading
the room, so to speak, orknowing the audience that we're talking
to and adapting what we haveto say, depending on how much I want
(04:55):
to keep them in relationship.
And I say it that way becausethat's really what it's about.
It's.
It's keeping them in relationship.
It's not really giving themthe freedom to choose, because I'm
afraid that if they chose,they would choose not for me, but
against me.
And so therefore, I am goingto do everything I can to make sure
(05:17):
that they stay in by myefforts to be who they want me to
be.
And what ends up happening isone of the deeper questions behind
this whole idea ofauthenticity is what is it?
Or who is it I'm sharing withpeople when I think that I'm being
(05:40):
authentic.
Now, I'm not trying to createmore questions than can be answered
tonight, but I think it'sworth paying attention to that.
There's a lot more to it thanjust, you know, being completely
transparent, which, by theway, is not wise at all.
(06:00):
I would go even so far as tosay it's just plain dumb, because
most people are just, just nottrustworthy enough for me to be completely
transparent with all that'sgoing on in my head or all the things
that I have come out of or thethings that I struggle with or whatever
that might be.
(06:21):
Not everybody is trustworthy,which is true, but we translate that
into no one is trustworthy.
And the people that are, if wespend all of our time trying to look
and talk the way that we thinkthey want us to look and talk, then
when they like us and stay inrelationship with us, then we can
(06:47):
dismiss it, because, afterall, I'M only giving them a part
of who I am or a part of how I am.
So one of the things that Ithought I would throw out here tonight
just to be thinking about thisis authenticity.
The minute I start trying toseek it is the moment at which I
(07:10):
am not being authentic,because authenticity is not something
that we engineer or reproduce.
Authenticity is something thatis a natural part of our interactions
with people.
And, you know, many, manyyears ago, many years ago, all the
(07:31):
way back to the beginning ofthe personal computer, there was
a concept, I suppose you wouldcall it, that was very common and
oftentimes was attached towhen Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak
created the first Macintosh.
And the user interface wascalled a WYSIWYG interface.
(07:55):
Now, what exactly does that mean?
If you're familiar at all, youwill already be filling it in with
what that actually means,because WYSIWYG literally means what
you see is what you get, whichwe're very accustomed to now.
We don't even think about itin our computer screens because we
(08:15):
have icons on our desktop thatsignify whether or not they're a
file, whether they're afolder, whether they are a hard drive,
whatever they may be.
And we don't have to guesswhat it is, because they literally
look the way they are.
And so the challenge ofauthenticity is the moment I'm trying
(08:41):
to find it, and to be it isthe moment I am not it, if you want
to put it that way.
And the it here is authenticbecause we're not present with ourselves
when we're trying to beauthentic or we're seeking to be,
or create authenticity, if you will.
(09:03):
And one of the things that wetalk about, certainly within the
outpost, is that authenticityshould be part of our relationships
with one another.
In other words, what you seeis what you get.
If I'm sad, I will show that Iam sad.
If I am upset and frustrated,I will show that.
(09:26):
And in a lot of cases, webelieve that only the positive emotions
are approved of.
And any of the negativeemotions, usually attached to anger,
frustration, being depressed,anxious, et cetera, all of those
are not approved of becausethey make someone else uncomfortable.
So essentially, what ends uphappening is that my state of who
(09:52):
I am, where I am at any givenpoint in time, because it makes other
people uncomfortable, I amprompted to hide it.
And in some cases, we not onlyhide it, but we condemn it.
And the bottom line is thatthe minute I condemn it, I am condemning
(10:12):
me, and I'm condemning aportion of my heart that ultimately
I think in a lot of cases, Idesire someone to actually know it
who's safe enough not to fixit for me or to tell me how I should
be or how I can fix it oranything like that, but to tell it
(10:33):
to somebody.
And we long for the verysimple two little words.
Yeah, me too.
I get it.
I understand that the part ofus that notices that we're not being
authentic actually is.
The authentic part is one wayto look at this.
(10:53):
And the thing that holds ushostage is fear.
Fear and shame.
And I have spent a lot of timetalking about shame on the podcast
and a lot of other places.
But what I'm afraid of is disconnection.
And the way that we see it andexperience it is a loss of a sense
(11:15):
of belonging.
And that is a very, very,very, very.
You get the picture.
Very powerful motivator.
Fear is a very powerful motivator.
And because of that, then Iwill not take the risk to be known
as I am, because I amconvinced that or I have already
(11:38):
predicted the outcome as faras the people and how they will react.
Because my assumptiongenerally is they will react to it
as I react to it.
In other words, if I show youwho I am, I don't like it.
And if I don't like it, youwon't like it either.
And I am not going to riskhaving something on the outside,
(12:01):
a person on the outside, feelthe same way about me that I do about
me.
It's one thing for me to feelthat way, but it's quite another
for somebody outside of me toagree and say, yeah, that's a problem.
But the thing that we oftenmiss in a lot of our relationships
(12:22):
is two little things that Ithink addresses some of this, and
that's grace and compassion.
Compassion.
Compression.
Compassion is the me too nessof our relationships with people,
where I can see I don't haveto go through the identical same
(12:43):
thing as the person, but I cansee the connection to perhaps something
that I have experienced or I'meven in the midst of struggling with.
Because the reality is thatauthenticity is based on what we
are experiencing here and now,not in the future and not in the
(13:07):
past.
And that's exactly what is sothreatening, because it requires
that level of vulnerability.
And so authenticity requirescompassion and it requires grace.
And just understand.
And let me remind you, graceis not winking at sin.
(13:29):
It is not patting somebody onthe head and saying, well, that's
okay, don't mess up, don't doit again.
It's none of those things.
Because the reality is gracegives us something to pursue rather
than the condemnation andshame that we spend most of our lives
avoiding.
(13:50):
And so I have to move intothinking through.
If I am going to say that Iwant to have authenticity in my relationships,
then ultimately I better startwith me.
And to what degree, and thismay be, feel a little bit like a
mind warp.
(14:11):
I'll warn you ahead of time.
But perhaps where I have tostart is how authentic am I with
myself.
Now, some, I think, wouldlogically say that's impossible because,
you know, I'm not.
I am with myself.
And so what else is there to know?
(14:32):
But I think we tend tounderestimate the power of denial
and the power of distortionand dilution and distancing that
we do about various parts ofourselves that we find condemned
worthy and condemnation worthy.
(14:53):
And because of that, then wedon't look.
And I would add that we don'thave a language for it either.
We don't really label things.
Because if I label something,then I'm going to have to do something
about it.
And I really don't want to do that.
And so my relationships withpeople, when I say that I desire
(15:17):
authenticity, I better startwith myself, ultimately.
And sharing with people thathave proven themselves trustworthy,
not just with anyone.
Because we've probably allbeen in the presence of someone who
overshares and they don't evenknow us all that well.
And they're sharing, and itseems like they're sharing in order
(15:41):
to create a relationship.
Instead of doing the hard workof investing in the relationship
and over time, sharing.
It's almost like they'retrying to microwave the relationship
instead of allowing it tobake, which takes time.
(16:01):
And so authenticity, whilegood even as a value within the outpost,
it takes a lot more effort andit takes a lot more commitment than
I think we give it credit.
We think it comes naturally tous, and it doesn't.
And this is probably one ofthose places where I would say that
(16:25):
what fits in is the conceptthat I've been teaching for quite
some time called the stainedglass self.
And essentially what I end updoing is I create the appearance
of who I think the personwants in order for them to stay close
and not leave me.
And that stained glass hasdifferent components and parts to
(16:47):
it.
If you think about the stainedglass, I mean, we were just reminded
of it.
If you watch the news at all,Notre Dame was just reopened.
And its majestic stained glasswindow was impacted by the fire that
had happened there.
And it had all of thesevarious parts of it in it to refract
(17:12):
light and to create a pictureand to tell a story and all sorts
of stuff.
If you've ever been in one ofthose cathedrals, oftentimes what
runs along the sanctuary areother stained glass windows that
tell stories of Jesus life orthe life of a saint or an apostle
(17:33):
or whatever that is.
And we tell those stories toowith our stained glass.
And so when people accept thatstained glass, thinking that it's
us, we securely safe but notknown, and we think the stained glass
can protect us and keep peopleclose, but it simply ends up being
(17:58):
a tool of isolation andfueling our sense of loneliness that
no one really knows me.
And the fact of the matterremains, I'm not willing to take
the risk of being knownbecause as I said before, and I say
it so many times, if you knewme the way I know me, you wouldn't
(18:20):
like me.
Therefore, I am not going tomake that available to you because
I know how you'll react.
And quite honestly, I'm notsure which is more jarring that somebody
would react to parts of methat I have condemned like I do,
or if they react to it withgrace and compassion.
(18:45):
And I think in some respects,we probably would go running if somebody
gave us grace and compassionfor the things that we feel like
are worthy of condemnationbecause we don't know what to do
with that.
I mean, it is the embodimentof grace in our lives when somebody
does that.
And.
And the irony is, theexquisite irony is most people, and
(19:11):
if you interview anyone, theywill tell you, I am far more gracious
with other people than I amwith myself.
And so we make a mistake or wedon't comply with expectations or
anything else, and we spiralinto this hole of condemnation because
(19:32):
we cannot afford to make a mistake.
Now, the strange irony to thatis that being human is making mistakes.
And the only way we can learnis through mistakes.
And we don't want that part of learning.
(19:53):
Now, sometimes we get kickedinto it, or we inadvertently set
ourselves up to be thrown intoit, and we learn.
Oh, we learn.
It's very hard to learn thatway versus being intentional about
how we learn and how willingare we to meet ourselves graciously
(20:15):
when we make a mistake.
And that's usually the biggesttelltale sign of what happens with
authenticity.
How often has it been thatsomeone might say, you know, you're
never wrong.
And that should be a telltalesign because it tells us that we
(20:37):
are not willing to be seen asflawed because we don't want to admit
that we are flawed.
And that's where I get, youknow, I come away with, if I don't
label it, it doesn't exist,it's unimportant, it doesn't matter.
And so creating a community ofpeople around authenticity and having
(21:02):
that be a value is a biggerdeal than anybody can imagine, than
you can imagine.
Because when we are a mutualcommunity, not I will applaud your
authenticity, but I'll berepulsed by mine.
But we will applaud that inother people and how courageous that
(21:25):
is and how refreshing it isthat they're authentic in that way.
But you're never going to hearme or catch me being that kind of
authentic because I'm surethat other people will not respond
to what I'm saying or sharinglike I just did to you.
(21:46):
Which is interesting, right?
I mean, it is the very basison which we create authenticity or
approximate authenticity anddeclare it to be so when it isn't
at all.
It's basically a silentagreement between two people to share
(22:07):
just enough to look authenticand to appreciate the other person's
limited authenticity in termsof what they share about themselves.
And then we're good.
But I can still hold back thethings that are condemning and in
(22:30):
my mind will ostracize me.
It will kick me out of thecommunity in one fashion or another.
And so we have to thinkthrough when we talk about.
And this is particularly truein our community.
And I spent the last episodetime before.
(22:53):
Last episode was an interview,if you want to hear it.
It was an interesting one withsomebody that wrote about Gen Z,
but it was before about trustand how do we go about trusting.
And trust is one of thosevalues in this community and authenticity
is the other one.
And in authenticity we can saywe adhere to it, but it's good for
(23:16):
you.
But I have no plan of my ownto do it.
As a matter of fact, I'm notgoing to lead in that area.
I won't go first, even thoughI might hope to be a leader in a
community like that.
And the challenge is what myrole is in any kind of community
(23:39):
of people.
Because my role is not onlybeing a part of the community of
that group of people, whateverit might be, but it's also leading
and facilitating them to findand accept themselves.
And so, so that's true even in counseling.
(24:01):
And counselors have to learnabout what I call strategic self
disclosure.
In other words, my selfdisclosure is in the service of empowering
somebody else to do the same.
Not being complete selfdisclosure because the relationship
Isn't there?
Now, I have seen, justrecently, even I have seen groups
(24:23):
of young men dive into deep waters.
And it was remarkably,refreshingly, jarringly authentic.
And I think to a person thatwalked out of that meeting, they
would say that they felt justa little bit more alive because they
(24:44):
could be fully who they werewithout the stained glass hiding
them from each other.
And it's not.
Listen, I am not trying tocreate an image of something that's
easy to do.
It is not.
It's far from it.
But at the same time, I thinkwe better check our rhetoric at the
(25:06):
door.
And if we're going to say wewant authenticity and not display
it in whatever measure,depending on the nature of the other
people that I'm talking to,then let's not talk about it.
Let's not say that, becauseit's not true.
And people will come in andwhat they will end up doing is condemning
(25:28):
themselves for not beingquote, unquote, authentic enough.
And the minute that wordenough shows up, there's problems,
because comparison is happening.
But we've created an imagethat we're not even willing to live
up to.
So if we want a community ofauthenticity and a willingness to
(25:49):
walk into each other's lives,I can't walk into somebody's life
that has not invited me in.
And our authenticity is whatshows that to them.
And that really is a big, bigpart of any community of people that
I'm certainly hoping andpraying that in the year to come
(26:13):
we will see some smallcommunities of people sprout up in
various places that can beoutposts for the heart, for the people
that are nearby and whereverthat might be.
So something to consider, justsomething to consider in terms of
authenticity, why it isimportant and how we tend to dilute
(26:33):
it in order to remain safe.
Because that's our primary motive.
It's not really to be known.
And we have to strive in somelevel to be wissy wig people.
It is not going to becontinuous and always.
It is going to be momentaryand profound, and it can be all of
(26:58):
those things as well.
So something to consider.
And that's it for Tonight, asalways, sgi-net.org is the home for
the SGI community.
You can DM me questions onInstagram @sginternational G International
(27:22):
or SGI International.
I forgot which it is is one ofthose two things you can find us
if you look it up.
And so subscriptions, I wouldencourage you to subscribe.
And if there's anything thatwe're talking about now or in the
future that you appreciate.
And please write a review thatonly helps more people find out about
(27:45):
what we're talking about hereand how we're trying to build some
kind of outpost for the heart,whether it's digitally or in real
time.
And on the website, there area variety of resources you can check
into.
There's Digital Devotionals,there's a new podcast called Collected
Wisdom of Life Living inSorrow that you can listen to there
(28:08):
as well.
Or you can follow us on any ofour social media outlets at Instagram.
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There it is.
I knew I was close.
SGIInternational, Facebook,Stained Glass International, and
LinkedIn.
Dr.
Mitch, we are available onwhatever platform you use for your
(28:33):
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If you know anyone or areinterested in partnering with us,
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and be able to help us fundsome of the initiatives that my hope
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(28:56):
We would be ever so gratefuland I would appreciate it so much
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can't afford going to oursilent retreats, which is one of
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And everything that you giveis tax deductible.
We're coming up on the end ofthe year.
(29:16):
It's a great time to make acontribution to support the mission
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(29:36):
There's merchandise there too,if you would like a window sticker
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Grieving the loss of someoneyou love in the newest one, the Seasons
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It won't be too long here probably.
Let's see, in 12 days I amgoing to be on a radio program from
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(29:59):
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(30:19):
other things to P.O.
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Well, that's it for tonight.
Thanks so much for joining meand as always, love you later.
Bye.
Well, welcome everyone toanother episode of the Outpost podcast.
I am Dr.
Ray Mitch, your host.
Thanks so much for taking timeout to listen in and maybe get some
information, challengesomething to think about, whatever
that might be.
But I'm glad you have joinedme for this brief moment in time
(00:41):
that if you're wondering, anda lot of you who have been listening
have heard me say this everytime, but the Outpost is a digital
place where we are buildingbridges back to faith or strengthening
the bridges of faith that arealready there.
And that's building it on.
One of the key items I want totalk about tonight is authenticity,
(01:03):
trust and grace and truth.
So there is going to be inthis outpost a commitment to intimacy,
knowing and being known by others.
And that's really what we'retrying to build.
This podcast is really just away to be the voice for that because
(01:24):
we want to create a spaceultimately, even if it's initially
digitally, where the doubtersand the wounded and the confused
and the beat up and beat downand the bent bruised who feel like
their lives are adisappointment to God to feel accepted
enough to be known and know others.
So we want to be a place wherepeople can meet the biblical Jesus
(01:47):
as he is, not as they haveheard he is.
And that's a key, and it'sembodied in how we relate to one
another.
So pull up a chair, getcomfortable, relax, and let's take
some time to think about theissues that are relevant to our time.
And the one in particularthing that I wanted to focus on,
(02:10):
and I recognize it's been awhile since I've been on the podcast
has been almost four or five weeks.
And full disclosure, it hasbeen a real tough four or five weeks.
Not only by virtue of the factthat I have moved into a season where
(02:30):
a lot of things were happeningin relationship to a good friend
of mine and we were havingconversations relatively frequently,
whether that's by text or invoice by voice, and it started to
his health began to slideabout this time.
And it was, it's hard torecall because at the time I wasn't
(02:53):
thinking about it.
Obviously I didn't know the future.
But I think the challenge is,and this is really on point for what
we're talking about tonight isI really quite honestly have not
had much motivation to do anything.
I've had enough motivation,enough energy to get through my classes
(03:17):
and teach and meet with peopleand so on and so forth.
But at certain point in myday, I'm pretty well like the Thanksgiving
turkey that it announces,stick Me, I'm done.
And that's kind of where I am.
So that's what goes into.
I haven't been on for goodfour weeks or so, I think, probably.
(03:42):
Yeah.
And so one of the things Iwant to talk about tonight, and to
some degree, I don't have towork real hard at doing it.
I say that cautiously, partlybecause it's a lot harder than it
(04:05):
seems.
Now, what is the it here?
Right.
And if there is anything thatI hear the most frequently among
the younger generation is theimportance of authenticity.
And the question, of course,is, before we get much further, is
how do we define our terms?
What exactly is authenticity?
To be authentic, to begenuine, to be known as we are.
(04:31):
And the reality is we're not.
I, you know, I count me, countmyself amongst that number.
It's hard partly because wehave gotten so committed to reading
the room, so to speak, orknowing the audience that we're talking
to and adapting what we haveto say, depending on how much I want
(04:55):
to keep them in relationship.
And I say it that way becausethat's really what it's about.
It's.
It's keeping them in relationship.
It's not really giving themthe freedom to choose, because I'm
afraid that if they chose,they would choose not for me, but
against me.
And so therefore, I am goingto do everything I can to make sure
(05:17):
that they stay in by myefforts to be who they want me to
be.
And what ends up happening isone of the deeper questions behind
this whole idea ofauthenticity is what is it?
Or who is it I'm sharing withpeople when I think that I'm being
(05:40):
authentic.
Now, I'm not trying to createmore questions than can be answered
tonight, but I think it'sworth paying attention to that.
There's a lot more to it thanjust, you know, being completely
transparent, which, by theway, is not wise at all.
(06:00):
I would go even so far as tosay it's just plain dumb, because
most people are just, just nottrustworthy enough for me to be completely
transparent with all that'sgoing on in my head or all the things
that I have come out of or thethings that I struggle with or whatever
that might be.
(06:21):
Not everybody is trustworthy,which is true, but we translate that
into no one is trustworthy.
And the people that are, if wespend all of our time trying to look
and talk the way that we thinkthey want us to look and talk, then
when they like us and stay inrelationship with us, then we can
(06:47):
dismiss it, because, afterall, I'M only giving them a part
of who I am or a part of how I am.
So one of the things that Ithought I would throw out here tonight
just to be thinking about thisis authenticity.
The minute I start trying toseek it is the moment at which I
(07:10):
am not being authentic,because authenticity is not something
that we engineer or reproduce.
Authenticity is something thatis a natural part of our interactions
with people.
And, you know, many, manyyears ago, many years ago, all the
(07:31):
way back to the beginning ofthe personal computer, there was
a concept, I suppose you wouldcall it, that was very common and
oftentimes was attached towhen Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak
created the first Macintosh.
And the user interface wascalled a WYSIWYG interface.
(07:55):
Now, what exactly does that mean?
If you're familiar at all, youwill already be filling it in with
what that actually means,because WYSIWYG literally means what
you see is what you get, whichwe're very accustomed to now.
We don't even think about itin our computer screens because we
(08:15):
have icons on our desktop thatsignify whether or not they're a
file, whether they're afolder, whether they are a hard drive,
whatever they may be.
And we don't have to guesswhat it is, because they literally
look the way they are.
And so the challenge ofauthenticity is the moment I'm trying
(08:41):
to find it, and to be it isthe moment I am not it, if you want
to put it that way.
And the it here is authenticbecause we're not present with ourselves
when we're trying to beauthentic or we're seeking to be,
or create authenticity, if you will.
(09:03):
And one of the things that wetalk about, certainly within the
outpost, is that authenticityshould be part of our relationships
with one another.
In other words, what you seeis what you get.
If I'm sad, I will show that Iam sad.
If I am upset and frustrated,I will show that.
(09:26):
And in a lot of cases, webelieve that only the positive emotions
are approved of.
And any of the negativeemotions, usually attached to anger,
frustration, being depressed,anxious, et cetera, all of those
are not approved of becausethey make someone else uncomfortable.
So essentially, what ends uphappening is that my state of who
(09:52):
I am, where I am at any givenpoint in time, because it makes other
people uncomfortable, I amprompted to hide it.
And in some cases, we not onlyhide it, but we condemn it.
And the bottom line is thatthe minute I condemn it, I am condemning
(10:12):
me, and I'm condemning aportion of my heart that ultimately
I think in a lot of cases, Idesire someone to actually know it
who's safe enough not to fixit for me or to tell me how I should
be or how I can fix it oranything like that, but to tell it
(10:33):
to somebody.
And we long for the verysimple two little words.
Yeah, me too.
I get it.
I understand that the part ofus that notices that we're not being
authentic actually is.
The authentic part is one wayto look at this.
(10:53):
And the thing that holds ushostage is fear.
Fear and shame.
And I have spent a lot of timetalking about shame on the podcast
and a lot of other places.
But what I'm afraid of is disconnection.
And the way that we see it andexperience it is a loss of a sense
(11:15):
of belonging.
And that is a very, very,very, very.
You get the picture.
Very powerful motivator.
Fear is a very powerful motivator.
And because of that, then Iwill not take the risk to be known
as I am, because I amconvinced that or I have already
(11:38):
predicted the outcome as faras the people and how they will react.
Because my assumptiongenerally is they will react to it
as I react to it.
In other words, if I show youwho I am, I don't like it.
And if I don't like it, youwon't like it either.
And I am not going to riskhaving something on the outside,
(12:01):
a person on the outside, feelthe same way about me that I do about
me.
It's one thing for me to feelthat way, but it's quite another
for somebody outside of me toagree and say, yeah, that's a problem.
But the thing that we oftenmiss in a lot of our relationships
(12:22):
is two little things that Ithink addresses some of this, and
that's grace and compassion.
Compassion.
Compression.
Compassion is the me too nessof our relationships with people,
where I can see I don't haveto go through the identical same
(12:43):
thing as the person, but I cansee the connection to perhaps something
that I have experienced or I'meven in the midst of struggling with.
Because the reality is thatauthenticity is based on what we
are experiencing here and now,not in the future and not in the
(13:07):
past.
And that's exactly what is sothreatening, because it requires
that level of vulnerability.
And so authenticity requirescompassion and it requires grace.
And just understand.
And let me remind you, graceis not winking at sin.
(13:29):
It is not patting somebody onthe head and saying, well, that's
okay, don't mess up, don't doit again.
It's none of those things.
Because the reality is gracegives us something to pursue rather
than the condemnation andshame that we spend most of our lives
avoiding.
(13:50):
And so I have to move intothinking through.
If I am going to say that Iwant to have authenticity in my relationships,
then ultimately I better startwith me.
And to what degree, and thismay be, feel a little bit like a
mind warp.
(14:11):
I'll warn you ahead of time.
But perhaps where I have tostart is how authentic am I with
myself.
Now, some, I think, wouldlogically say that's impossible because,
you know, I'm not.
I am with myself.
And so what else is there to know?
(14:32):
But I think we tend tounderestimate the power of denial
and the power of distortionand dilution and distancing that
we do about various parts ofourselves that we find condemned
worthy and condemnation worthy.
(14:53):
And because of that, then wedon't look.
And I would add that we don'thave a language for it either.
We don't really label things.
Because if I label something,then I'm going to have to do something
about it.
And I really don't want to do that.
And so my relationships withpeople, when I say that I desire
(15:17):
authenticity, I better startwith myself, ultimately.
And sharing with people thathave proven themselves trustworthy,
not just with anyone.
Because we've probably allbeen in the presence of someone who
overshares and they don't evenknow us all that well.
And they're sharing, and itseems like they're sharing in order
(15:41):
to create a relationship.
Instead of doing the hard workof investing in the relationship
and over time, sharing.
It's almost like they'retrying to microwave the relationship
instead of allowing it tobake, which takes time.
(16:01):
And so authenticity, whilegood even as a value within the outpost,
it takes a lot more effort andit takes a lot more commitment than
I think we give it credit.
We think it comes naturally tous, and it doesn't.
And this is probably one ofthose places where I would say that
(16:25):
what fits in is the conceptthat I've been teaching for quite
some time called the stainedglass self.
And essentially what I end updoing is I create the appearance
of who I think the personwants in order for them to stay close
and not leave me.
And that stained glass hasdifferent components and parts to
(16:47):
it.
If you think about the stainedglass, I mean, we were just reminded
of it.
If you watch the news at all,Notre Dame was just reopened.
And its majestic stained glasswindow was impacted by the fire that
had happened there.
And it had all of thesevarious parts of it in it to refract
(17:12):
light and to create a pictureand to tell a story and all sorts
of stuff.
If you've ever been in one ofthose cathedrals, oftentimes what
runs along the sanctuary areother stained glass windows that
tell stories of Jesus life orthe life of a saint or an apostle
(17:33):
or whatever that is.
And we tell those stories toowith our stained glass.
And so when people accept thatstained glass, thinking that it's
us, we securely safe but notknown, and we think the stained glass
can protect us and keep peopleclose, but it simply ends up being
(17:58):
a tool of isolation andfueling our sense of loneliness that
no one really knows me.
And the fact of the matterremains, I'm not willing to take
the risk of being knownbecause as I said before, and I say
it so many times, if you knewme the way I know me, you wouldn't
(18:20):
like me.
Therefore, I am not going tomake that available to you because
I know how you'll react.
And quite honestly, I'm notsure which is more jarring that somebody
would react to parts of methat I have condemned like I do,
or if they react to it withgrace and compassion.
(18:45):
And I think in some respects,we probably would go running if somebody
gave us grace and compassionfor the things that we feel like
are worthy of condemnationbecause we don't know what to do
with that.
I mean, it is the embodimentof grace in our lives when somebody
does that.
And.
And the irony is, theexquisite irony is most people, and
(19:11):
if you interview anyone, theywill tell you, I am far more gracious
with other people than I amwith myself.
And so we make a mistake or wedon't comply with expectations or
anything else, and we spiralinto this hole of condemnation because
(19:32):
we cannot afford to make a mistake.
Now, the strange irony to thatis that being human is making mistakes.
And the only way we can learnis through mistakes.
And we don't want that part of learning.
(19:53):
Now, sometimes we get kickedinto it, or we inadvertently set
ourselves up to be thrown intoit, and we learn.
Oh, we learn.
It's very hard to learn thatway versus being intentional about
how we learn and how willingare we to meet ourselves graciously
(20:15):
when we make a mistake.
And that's usually the biggesttelltale sign of what happens with
authenticity.
How often has it been thatsomeone might say, you know, you're
never wrong.
And that should be a telltalesign because it tells us that we
(20:37):
are not willing to be seen asflawed because we don't want to admit
that we are flawed.
And that's where I get, youknow, I come away with, if I don't
label it, it doesn't exist,it's unimportant, it doesn't matter.
And so creating a community ofpeople around authenticity and having
(21:02):
that be a value is a biggerdeal than anybody can imagine, than
you can imagine.
Because when we are a mutualcommunity, not I will applaud your
authenticity, but I'll berepulsed by mine.
But we will applaud that inother people and how courageous that
(21:25):
is and how refreshing it isthat they're authentic in that way.
But you're never going to hearme or catch me being that kind of
authentic because I'm surethat other people will not respond
to what I'm saying or sharinglike I just did to you.
(21:46):
Which is interesting, right?
I mean, it is the very basison which we create authenticity or
approximate authenticity anddeclare it to be so when it isn't
at all.
It's basically a silentagreement between two people to share
(22:07):
just enough to look authenticand to appreciate the other person's
limited authenticity in termsof what they share about themselves.
And then we're good.
But I can still hold back thethings that are condemning and in
(22:30):
my mind will ostracize me.
It will kick me out of thecommunity in one fashion or another.
And so we have to thinkthrough when we talk about.
And this is particularly truein our community.
And I spent the last episodetime before.
(22:53):
Last episode was an interview,if you want to hear it.
It was an interesting one withsomebody that wrote about Gen Z,
but it was before about trustand how do we go about trusting.
And trust is one of thosevalues in this community and authenticity
is the other one.
And in authenticity we can saywe adhere to it, but it's good for
(23:16):
you.
But I have no plan of my ownto do it.
As a matter of fact, I'm notgoing to lead in that area.
I won't go first, even thoughI might hope to be a leader in a
community like that.
And the challenge is what myrole is in any kind of community
(23:39):
of people.
Because my role is not onlybeing a part of the community of
that group of people, whateverit might be, but it's also leading
and facilitating them to findand accept themselves.
And so, so that's true even in counseling.
(24:01):
And counselors have to learnabout what I call strategic self
disclosure.
In other words, my selfdisclosure is in the service of empowering
somebody else to do the same.
Not being complete selfdisclosure because the relationship
Isn't there?
Now, I have seen, justrecently, even I have seen groups
(24:23):
of young men dive into deep waters.
And it was remarkably,refreshingly, jarringly authentic.
And I think to a person thatwalked out of that meeting, they
would say that they felt justa little bit more alive because they
(24:44):
could be fully who they werewithout the stained glass hiding
them from each other.
And it's not.
Listen, I am not trying tocreate an image of something that's
easy to do.
It is not.
It's far from it.
But at the same time, I thinkwe better check our rhetoric at the
(25:06):
door.
And if we're going to say wewant authenticity and not display
it in whatever measure,depending on the nature of the other
people that I'm talking to,then let's not talk about it.
Let's not say that, becauseit's not true.
And people will come in andwhat they will end up doing is condemning
(25:28):
themselves for not beingquote, unquote, authentic enough.
And the minute that wordenough shows up, there's problems,
because comparison is happening.
But we've created an imagethat we're not even willing to live
up to.
So if we want a community ofauthenticity and a willingness to
(25:49):
walk into each other's lives,I can't walk into somebody's life
that has not invited me in.
And our authenticity is whatshows that to them.
And that really is a big, bigpart of any community of people that
I'm certainly hoping andpraying that in the year to come
(26:13):
we will see some smallcommunities of people sprout up in
various places that can beoutposts for the heart, for the people
that are nearby and whereverthat might be.
So something to consider, justsomething to consider in terms of
authenticity, why it isimportant and how we tend to dilute
(26:33):
it in order to remain safe.
Because that's our primary motive.
It's not really to be known.
And we have to strive in somelevel to be wissy wig people.
It is not going to becontinuous and always.
It is going to be momentaryand profound, and it can be all of
(26:58):
those things as well.
So something to consider.
And that's it for Tonight, asalways, sgi-net.org is the home for
the SGI community.
You can DM me questions onInstagram @sginternational G International
(27:22):
or SGI International.
I forgot which it is is one ofthose two things you can find us
if you look it up.
And so subscriptions, I wouldencourage you to subscribe.
And if there's anything thatwe're talking about now or in the
future that you appreciate.
And please write a review thatonly helps more people find out about
(27:45):
what we're talking about hereand how we're trying to build some
kind of outpost for the heart,whether it's digitally or in real
time.
And on the website, there area variety of resources you can check
into.
There's Digital Devotionals,there's a new podcast called Collected
Wisdom of Life Living inSorrow that you can listen to there
(28:08):
as well.
Or you can follow us on any ofour social media outlets at Instagram.
Like I said, GI International.
There it is.
I knew I was close.
SGIInternational, Facebook,Stained Glass International, and
LinkedIn.
Dr.
Mitch, we are available onwhatever platform you use for your
(28:33):
podcasts.
If you know anyone or areinterested in partnering with us,
even on a monthly basis, whichhelps us grow the scholarship fund
and be able to help us fundsome of the initiatives that my hope
is will be coming sooner or later.
(28:56):
We would be ever so gratefuland I would appreciate it so much
to see our scholarship fundgrow and be able to fund people that
can't afford going to oursilent retreats, which is one of
the initiatives that we have.
And everything that you giveis tax deductible.
We're coming up on the end ofthe year.
(29:16):
It's a great time to make acontribution to support the mission
and vision of SGI and, andalso just keep your eyes peeled for
the newsletter that comes outperiodically just to keep you informed
about the retreats and thingslike that.
(29:36):
There's merchandise there too,if you would like a window sticker
or the books.
Grieving the loss of someoneyou love in the newest one, the Seasons
of Our Grief.
It won't be too long here probably.
Let's see, in 12 days I amgoing to be on a radio program from
Focus on the Family called Boundless.
(29:59):
And so I will give you moreinformation about that coming up
and you can subscribe to ouronline community and anything else.
If you'd.
If you prefer to write us aphysical check, you can just make
it out to SGI and send anycorrespondence, questions, comments,
(30:19):
other things to P.O.
box 322, East Lake, Colorado 80614.
Well, that's it for tonight.
Thanks so much for joining meand as always, love you later.
Bye.
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