August 6, 2025 • 32 mins
🎙️ Guest: Kristen Clark, Co-Founder of Girl Defined
In this powerful and vulnerable conversation, Karen Potter sits down with Kristen Clark—author, speaker, and co-founder of Girl Defined Ministries—to talk about her personal battle with secret sexual sin and how God brought her into freedom and flourishing. Kristen shares her experience with habitual masturbation, the fear of confessing struggles, and how shame kept her silent for years—even while mentoring others.
You’ll also hear about:
👉 How purity culture shaped Kristen’s view of herself
👉 Why many women feel alone in their sexual struggles
👉 The deep biblical vision for womanhood, identity, and intimacy
👉 The impact of social media and technology on young women today
👉 How parents can proactively disciple their children in God’s design for sexuality
This episode is honest, practical, and packed with gospel hope. Whether you’re a teen, parent, mentor, or ministry leader—this conversation will equip and encourage you.
đź“š Books Mentioned:
Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart
Made to Be She: Reclaiming God's Plan for Fearless Femininity
More at: https://www.girldefined.com
đź”— Follow Girl Defined:
Instagram: @girldefined
YouTube: Girl Defined
đź’ˇ Resources for Accountability & Freedom:
Explore Covenant Eyes tools and resources at
https://cvnteyes.co/4gb6xme
________________________________________________________________________
Take the free P.A.U.S. assessment to see how porn is impacting your life:
https://cvnteyes.co/test
________________________________________________________________________
#GirlDefined #KristenClark #PurityCulture #FreedomInChrist #ChristianWomen #CovenantEyes
CHAPTERS:
00:00 – Intro: Meet Kristen Clark from Girl Defined
01:00 – The mission of Girl Defined Ministries
02:40 – Kristen’s personal struggle with secret sin
04:15 – Breaking the silence: Confessing to her parents
06:00 – Why women feel alone in sexual struggles
07:50 – Responding to thousands of "help" emails
09:00 – Tech, porn & the culture young women are up against
10:50 – The distortion of female sexuality
12:00 – Writing Made to Be She: Biblical womanhood unpacked
14:00 – The beauty of God's design from Genesis to Titus
17:00 – Surveying 500 women before writing Sex & Purity
18:00 – Sexual design, lust, and misplaced longings
20:30 – The gospel’s power to redeem our sexual story
21:55 – How churches can better lead on this topic
23:30 – Leading with vulnerability: Why it matters
26:00 – Parenting: Talking to kids about sex early and often
28:00 – Kristen’s top resources for moms and daughters
29:30 – Where to find Kristen and Girl Defined online
30:30 – Final encouragement and thanks
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Hey everybody, welcome backto The Covenant Eyes Podcast.
We are really excitedabout today's episode.
We have a really fun guestwith a lot of wisdom,
a lot of energy,and a great story
to share with us.
We have KristenClark joining us, and she is
with a ministrycalled Girl Defined, and it is a
great conversation.
We actually had her sister onI've like a month or so ago,
(00:30):
and the two of themare just amazing women
doing some great stuffin the church.
Kristen, thank you so much forfor joining us today.
Thanks for having me, Karen.
I'm excitedfor this conversation.
Yeah.
So for those that might not knowyour story and your ministry,
would you just kind ofshare a little bit about
what got you startedin this ministry
and, your passionfor helping women?
(00:51):
Yeah.
So like you said, my sisterBethany and I started Girl
Define togetherabout ten years ago.
And our passionfrom the beginning
was just to help our generationand the next generation of women
understand God's designfor their womanhood.
So we always say,the one who designed you
is the one who defines you.
And you know,as a woman, it's so easy
and as a man.
But our ministry is for womento to find our identity
(01:12):
in everythingbut who God says we are
and his planand good design for us.
So trying to bring a biblicalunderstanding
to the relevant issues of today,from everything to relationships
to sexuality to femininityto success, our purpose in life,
just everything that has to dowith womanhood, understanding it
through the lens of Scriptureand then allowing God
(01:33):
to define us and then inturn, finding
freedom and flourishing.
And that I love that, that,you know, in our culture,
like the message ofwhat is a woman gets so lost
in the conversation,not to be cynical at all,
but I mean, honestly, you know,I feel for the
younger generationbecause they're really,
you know, not being givengood, sound biblical training
(01:54):
sometimes, especiallyif they're online all the time
on social media,because the images
and the thingsthat they're seeing
are defining women in a waythat is actually not
God honoring.
So let's talka little bit about, you know,
you've talked openly about yourpast struggles with sexual sin
and that journey.
And certainlyI think that would be
a good place to kind of startso that our listeners
(02:16):
can really relate to the factthat you've been
there before and youyou really had to lean into
God and learn,what he had in store
for you and your life.
Yeah.
So going back in time.
I grew up as a believer.
I'm an 80s baby, but, you know,really grew up in the 90s
and grew upin a lot of the purity
culture movement,which in so many ways
I am thankfulfor a lot of it, for,
(02:38):
just a lot of the discipleshipthat I received
and understanding a lotabout God's design for purity
and pursuing thatand the importance of that,
the value of that.
But one of the dishesthat I fell into as a young
Christian woman was havingsexual struggles,
but being too afraid or scaredto speak about them
openly, to share,because I felt like, okay,
I am called to bethis pure woman.
(02:59):
I need to be this godlyChristian woman.
I had younger womenlooking up to me.
I'm the oldest of five sisters.
So I felt thisputting it on myself.
This pressure ofI need to look the part.
Even though I'm struggling onthe inside.
I can't letanybody know about that.
So some of the storiesthat I've shared openly,
even in our book,“Sex, Purity,and the Longings
of a Girl's Heart”,that my sister and I
co-authored together,I share very openly
(03:21):
a lot of my journeyof wrestling with what
I call secret sin of strugglingwith, habitual masturbation.
And that wasvery fantasy driven,
very lust driven for meand my heart.
Just lust on a general level,just struggling
and not really knowinghow to get out of this.
I was way too ashamed to tellanybody about it.
I really felt likeI needed to keep up
(03:42):
that image of the pureChristian girl.
And it wasn't untilmultiple years into my struggle,
probably my later teens,I heard a Christian
speaker talking very openlyabout sexual struggles
at this conference, and it wasthe first time
I had ever heard anybodytalking about masturbation
specifically, and justsome of the pitfalls
that it can havefor us as as anybody,
as young people,just a disordered
(04:02):
understanding of God'sgood design for intimacy.
And I had never heard that.
And for the first time,I felt so convicted,
and I realized,I need to get honest about this.
I have been hiding thisfor years.
I have not told a single personI am so ashamed.
And one of the first stepsthey encouraged us to do.
As if you're struggling,be honest, tell someone
and if you feel like you can,tell your parents
(04:23):
if they're believersand that's a safe place
for you to go do that.
And I remembermaking that decision
then in there that I was goingto be open and honest
and confessed to my parentsthe struggle and ask them
for prayer and help.
And it was the scariest thingI've ever done.
And I know some peoplelistening might be like,
what? Like masturbation?
You're a teen like,that's not a big deal.
At that time in my life,it was it was huge.
And I made that choiceto tell my parents.
(04:44):
And again,it was the hardest thing
I've ever done.
But I'm telling you,on the other side
of that conversation,they were so gracious.
They prayed with me, received myyou confession with open arms.
And they were like,we want to walk with you
and help you.
That was the beginningof my journey toward
not only freedomfrom that habitual sin struggle
that I had wrestledwith for years,
but beginning my journeyof really understanding
what it means to walk in purity.
(05:06):
As a Christian,where we are imperfect,
we struggle.
We have temptation.
But what it looks liketo do that in community,
not in isolation.
Inviting other people,trusted people, mentors, people
who are godly are older than usinto our struggles and saying,
would you comealongside me in this
and not wrestling alone?
So for me, that was thebiggest turning point
(05:26):
was when I got open and honestand invited others to help me
in my struggle.
That's awesome.
And so many of our listenersreally can relate to that,
because that really is likethe gates will
just open right up when westep into that vulnerability
and share our strugglesin that way.
I love that.
Thank you for sharing that.
And thank you for beingvulnerable with your story.
(05:49):
You know, from that, you know,from that experience
and then your growthand sanctification in the Lord.
You then kind of rolledinto this ministry Girl Defined.
So talk to uslike what led you to
to create this ministry?
Because now you'reyou're coaching women
about womanhood andand being a mom and being a wife
and all the things.
So how did you get there?
(06:10):
Well, when we started it,I was probably mid 20s
and I saw so manyof the next generation
struggling withpretty much everything
that I had struggled withand looking for answers.
And these young womenwere basically like
they are today.
But at the time going onlineand looking for answers online.
So Google searchingevery last struggle
that they had.
And my sisterand I thought, wow,
(06:32):
we have wrestled with so many ofthese things.
We're still growingin our understanding
of God's design for womanhood.
But what if we come alongsideof these younger women
as mentors in a sense,and encourage them in their walk
with Christ,in their understanding of God's
design, and provideanswers online that are
biblically based and not just,you know, these girls
coming across who knows whatcosmopolitan article
(06:52):
and then taking that advice.
So we put ourselves out there.
We started bloggingand then it turned into YouTube
and then eventually a podcastand a couple books.
The publisher found us, and it'sjust a cool story
that God just keptopening these doors.
But really, our passionwas wanting to be mentors
to the next generation.
And as we just starteddipping our toe into this
and writing these,you know, back then, blogging
(07:12):
was the thing we receivedemail after email
from young womenwho were saying,
I have struggledwith the same thing,
and especially when it comesto sexual struggles,
those are the onesthat stand out to me the most,
because I cannot tell youhow many emails we received
and still do from young womenand women who will email us,
and the subject linewill literally say, help!
I've never told anyoneabout this struggle,
(07:33):
and they'll go onto share whatever
sexual strugglethey're wrestling with,
whether it is pornography,masturbation, just addicted
to reading erotica, you know,an unwholesome,
unhealthy relationship.
Whatever it is,we're the first ones
they're telling about this,and they felt like they could
because of how open we werewith our struggles
and our journey of tryingto define
every part of our livesaccording to God's good design.
(07:55):
So that's what led us into it,just looking at our own lives
and realizing we're all inthis together, let's let's link
arms and join us, you know,create a sisterhood essentially
of of coming alongsidethese young women.
And to this day, I mean,the need is so great.
That is so good.
And you mentioned, like,you kind of came of age
in the 90s.
So, you know, at that timewe didn't have the internet.
(08:16):
And so, right, you know, imaginegoing through those struggles,
the struggles that you know,young people Gen Z
are going through todaywith access to the internet
because, you know,for my generation, you know,
if you had questionsthat you weren't
comfortable askingbecause I grew up in the purity
culture as well, and it's likeyou would look to
those magazines, you would askyour friends or, you know,
there wasn't an internetto go to.
(08:38):
So you're kind of limited.
But now at the at everyone'sfingertips, they have access to,
you know,all sorts of information
and a lot of itis not biblically sound.
So how does that impactthe next generation,
and how do you thinkthat's changing?
You know, especiallywith pornography, how women are
getting lured into pornographybecause, you know, they may
(08:58):
just be looking for answers,but end up getting sucked
into pornography because of it'saddictive nature.
Oh my goodness,I have such a love
hate relationshipwith technology.
I'm sure you feel the same.
Like, yeah, the benefitsthat come from it
and then the pitfallsand you just see
these young womenlike you're saying they
I think a lot of themare naive in some ways,
just getting on allof these platforms.
(09:19):
Oh, my friend is on this.
My friend is on that.
So they join these differentsocial media platforms or,
you know,dating apps or whatever it is.
And before they know it,they're hooked
into all sorts of,just terrible stuff.
And so much of itis just so promiscuous
and so pornographic.
And what used to be shocking,you know, back when I was young,
is just kind of normal,kind of mainstream now for what
(09:39):
young people are exposed to.
So the need for young womento understand that pornography
is not normal. Okay.
It may be common,but it is not good.
It is not wholesome.
It is not right for your heart,for your mind.
It is warping your perspectiveabout so many things
regarding what true intimacy is.
What God designed sex for,who he designed it to be between
(10:01):
your own body.
Female beauty.
I mean, it's impacting,I think every aspect
of a woman's perspectiveabout womanhood,
about sexuality,about what it means to embrace
relationships rightly.
There's so much distortion,and it's just happening
kind of low keyin the background
in everything they do.
Because you, you see a groupof young people out, you know,
(10:23):
they're at a coffee shop,they're at a restaurant,
they're not talking.
They're all on their phones,which I think is so sad.
So we're losing even thatrelational component
of knowing how to how tohave relationships,
healthy relationships.
So we have shifted our messagingat Girl Defined quite a bit
as we've seen, the impactof social media, of technology,
of every person having this,the world in their pocket,
(10:46):
essentially ontheir phone with access
to things like pornographyso easily, we have targeted
more specific topicstrying to address some of this
and really help women.
And I think a lot of young womenjust feel like they're drowning.
They don't know howto come up for air.
They just feel likethey're drowning.
And that's why I think we getso many of those emails
just cries for help, saying,I don't know what to
do, please help me.
(11:08):
That's so good.
Well, you know, you have a bookthat you put together.
And it was made to be shereclaiming God's plan
for fearless femininity.
So I want to talk a little bitabout that book.
Because I think that's suchan important conversation
and so many people really needto get wisdom
in this area because,you know, you
you've already said it.
I mean, the culture isfeeding us all sorts of lies,
(11:29):
and it is so hardfor our young women to navigate.
You know, you seeall these trends on Instagram,
like being a tradwife is the right thing to do
or being a business, you know,go into the business world
and be your own.
You know, woman,you don't need a man.
Like there are mixed messagescoming at our, our youth.
And so I'm guessing thatyour book hopes
to kind of addresssome of those things.
(11:50):
So talk to us a little bitabout the book
and how it can help young women.
Yeah.
Made to be she reclaimingGod's plan for fearless
femininity are passion and hope.
And writing this wasto try to thread that needle
of not swinging to one endof the pendulum, where we're now
tapping our toe into legalismand creating our own
version of womanhood,but then not swinging so far
to the other side, where we'rereally presenting
(12:12):
a worldly versionof womanhood that's,
you know, girl-bossand you don't need a man.
And so much of whatthe feminists push for,
we were like, how do we writethis book
and really just presentwhat the Bible teaches?
And no more like no more,no less like,
what does the Bibleactually say?
So I'm telling you, it was hard.
It was a really hard,book to write because of that.
But it forced my sisterand I to really dig in
(12:34):
to God's Wordand to really evaluate
truly, genuinely,what does he say?
What does he not say?
And we realize in our own livesthat we had gone astray
in some key areas of, I thinkadopting mindsets that were good
but not necessarilyexplicitly stated in Scripture
regarding our womanhoodand then other mindsets
that we realized, ooh,we really have picked up
a lot on culture'smessaging regarding
(12:56):
what it means to be successful,or what it means
to be beautiful,and really having
to go back to God'sWord and genuinely
evaluate, like,what does he say?
So we camp a lot in passageslike Proverbs 31, which I know,
you know, some women rolltheir eyes, others are like,
oh my goodness,the unattainable woman.
But really just taking a genuinelook of saying, okay, Lord,
(13:16):
you gave us this passage.
This woman, who is she?
What is she about?
What can we learn from her?
Titus two obviously talksabout important things
that God wants older womento teach younger women
and so many ofthose things about,
for married women, you know,loving your husbands,
being keepers of the home,valuing your children,
serving others like thingsthat aren't necessarily messages
(13:37):
we're hearing from in society.
We see thatGod has a very different
value system than what we getfrom culture.
So we just try to really unpackScripture.
We look at Genesis,we take a really hard
look in God's initial creationof the male and female
and the distinctions there.
We have some beautifulchapters called
Made to be he and she,where we unpack what was this
(13:57):
creation order, where we see Godcreating the man first,
giving himresponsibilities, roles,
purpose, identityin his masculinity.
And then in Genesistwo, we see God creating the
second creature after the man.
And she's a counterpart.
She's different,but she's complementary.
She's this beautiful femalethat has a different physical
design, physical capabilities,different hormones.
(14:19):
All of that was there rightat the moment of creation.
And then God brings herto the woman as a helper.
And they're a team.
They are in thisperfect marriage
where there's no sin.
Yet in Genesis two, and we seethis incredible
complementary design of the maleand the female,
and there's so muchthat we can learn from that.
I think we tend to brush over itlike, oh, Genesis two,
you been there, read it,you know, no big deal.
(14:41):
But there is so muchthat we can learn
from God's intention for manhoodand womanhood the male,
the female, the husband,the wife, just from Genesis two.
And then, of course,sin happened and distorted
everything and twistedand warped our desires,
which is the worldthat we live in today.
So I think in our heartswe have this natural
push against God's designbecause of sin, but humbly
(15:04):
coming to the tableand saying, okay, Lord,
what do you havefor my womanhood?
What do you reveal in Genesis?
What do you value in Titustwo and Proverbs 31?
And having an openhandedness like just the picture
I love to, visualize evenfor myself, is
just taking your palmsand opening your hands up
and saying, God, your will,your way, your design, not mine.
(15:28):
And just that surrender nurse,that heart posture that says
again, you're my designer,so you're my definer.
You created me.
You know what's best for me.
Your plan is actuallyfor my good and my flourishing.
Your design, your boundaries,your order.
You aren't against me.
You are for me.
And it's.
It's my sin.
It's my flesh.
It's my heartthat pushes against you.
(15:48):
So help me to surrenderand embrace your design.
To walk in it.
Because you are a good creatorand I know your ways
and your plans and your designsare also good.
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Now back to the show.
You know, it is funny becausewe do skate over the Genesis,
the creation story so many timesbecause we don't want
(17:01):
that to be the case, oftenbecause culture is, you know,
it's telling us like,oh, we're equals.
And, you know,you can do anything
a man can do.
And it's like God has actuallydesigned us to be unique
and different, to support oneanother in special ways.
And I think that's an areathat, you know,
as a woman and I work,and so I'm out in the,
you know, the world.
My kids are grown now.
(17:21):
But, you know, I did have a jobwhen my kids were in school.
And so, you know,I had to find a way to balance
that, like, ensurethat I was aligned with God's
calling for my lifeand that he wanted me
to do this work andand to be a mom and still take
care of the homeand support my husband
and do all these things.
But it it's aninteresting dynamic because the
messaging out there is justso counter-culture
(17:44):
to what the Bible says.
So talk to us a little bit.
You have other booksout there too, and I think
you've got some interesting onesthat are, I think there's
one called “Sex, Purityand the Longings
of a Girl's Heart”.
So that one, you know,I definitely want to dive
into that one as well.
What's that one about?
And what could our listenerstake away from that book?
Well, whatthe title says, right.
It's about sex, purityand the longings
(18:05):
of a girl's heart.
We actually beforewe wrote that book, we surveyed
500 women from our communitythat were a girl
to find followers and ask them,what do you want
us to talk about when it comesto sex and purity?
What are you struggling with?
What are thosequestions that you're too afraid
to ask anybody that you'venever voiced?
What are the strugglesthat you're facing
in your own life?
What are some of thethe sinful habits you find
(18:27):
yourself in thatyou've never told anyone about?
And we had 500 women respond,and it was incredible
and very insightful to hearfrom a variety of women
from all over the world,from singleness
to married teens,your 20s, 30s, 40s.
It really helped uscreate the outline
for this book.
We wanted totalk about the things
that these womenwanted us to address,
(18:48):
and so that really, like I said,created the outline for it.
And we we did not shy awayfrom any topics.
We just went straightfor the jugular,
you know, diving intoand I know this is
normal everyday work for you,talking about things
like pornography,masturbation, erotica,
the secret struggles, just lustand not only
presenting the problems,but how do we find freedom
(19:09):
from these things?
My sister and Ieach have different
journeys, sharing very openlyand honestly about that,
talking about how lustis not just a man's problem.
I know for a lot of womenin the survey, they said,
I feel like I'm the only womanwho struggles with this.
Nobody in my churchtalks about this.
It's only presentedas a man's issue.
And men need thethe small groups
(19:29):
and the Bible studiesand the help.
But the women are just kind ofleft out to dry.
So women would say, I'm scaredto even talk to anybody
because I feel likethey're going to think
I'm really weirdfor even struggling
with pornographyor whatever it was.
So for women to realizethey're not the only ones.
This is a sin strugglethat is common to man.
It's not man as in men,but to mankind,
(19:49):
for men and women and for womento realize, okay,
I'm not the only one.
God does care about this.
He did create meto be a sexual being.
Also, it's not just the menwho were sexual and the women
who were like gender neutral.
Like, no, we have a gender.
We have a sexual design.
We have desires,passions, longings
which can be good and beautiful.
(20:09):
Sex was God's design.
We unpack hisentire design for it.
Our longings for intimacyand really trying to show women
that so often we have thesethese desires for sexual you,
these sex drivesand different things.
And we especially in singleness,we tend to look to
all the wrong places to find it,not realizing,
wow, I was createdas a sexual being,
(20:30):
but my deepest longingultimately is to be in
a relationship with my creatorand my Savior.
So we talkabout that word, yada,
that Old Testament wordthat we see in Scripture
where it's this deep knowingand how God created us
to have this deep and intimateknowing with him
first and foremost.
But yet we try to find thatin so many other ways
(20:52):
that are sinful,that are contrary
to God's design.
So really helping women see one.
Your sexual design is a goodand beautiful thing too.
It has been distorted by sinand our desires
are warped and sin bent.
So how do we redeem that?
Through the powerand the grace of Christ
through the gospel?
How do we findredemption in that,
and then pursue it rightlyand find our satisfaction
(21:12):
ultimately in a relationshipwith Christ?
And then from there in the rightcontext within marriage,
enjoy some of thesebeautiful gifts
that he's given us to experiencesexual pleasure.
That's amazing.
I love that you guys takeon these tough topics.
Head up to your ministry.
We love.
There's not enough out there.
I imagine one day a churchwhere, you know, these kind
(21:34):
of conversations can happen.
I know, you know, moreregularly in women's programs
because, yeah, this is an issuethat definitely
doesn't get discussed.
And let's talk about the churchfor a minute, because, you know,
it's a covenant as we work withlots of churches and, you know,
we, you know, shared the Barnastats, Barna just released
some new stats on, you know,the number of women struggling
(21:55):
with pornography.
Christian womenis up to 44% now.
I mean, that's a prettystaggering number.
And there are, very few, if any,women's centered
programs in churches.
Just talking about, you know,biblical sexuality
and just answeringthe tough questions, let alone
pornography itself.
(22:16):
So what can the churchbe doing to better support women
in this way?
Because I thinkthere are a lot of women
with a lot of questions.
And really, the churchshould be the place
to get answers, you know,the obviously biblically
centered answers.
But we would want thatto be the beacon of hope
and information.
Yeah, I think it starts with theleadership, right?
I mean, the leadersfrom the leaders down,
(22:37):
whether it's church, actualchurch leadership, lay leaders,
small group leaders, we all needto get more honest
because what happensis in churches,
there tends to be thislike silence
around sexual struggles.
But the truth is, every personhas had some struggle
in one way or another,whether you're the pastor
or down to a small groupleader, down
to just your attending,your visiting.
We all have wrestledwith sexual sin,
(22:59):
sexual temptation.
Whether you're a man or a womanin some capacity.
And so the fact thatwe're not talking
about it at alljust speaks to the fact
that we are we're being silentbecause we're either
ashamed, were fearful,we are not responding
in an authentic, genuineway to the things
that are truly happeningin our hearts and lives.
So I thinkfrom the leadership down
there just needs to bemore genuine openness
(23:22):
and authenticity to say, yeah,I've wrestled with this.
You know, I wrestlewith pornography or I,
I struggled with masturbationor I really was addicted
to these certainshows on Netflix
that were very sexualand not healthy for me or,
you know,these women's magazines
that were filling my mindwith basically
pornographic contentin novel forms, words, whatever,
getting honest.
And I think it it's like adomino effect as, as some people
(23:44):
step up to the plate,especially leadership,
and get honest and openand share, then I think that
will naturally trickle downto those who are
in the congregation.
So thankfully,and I'm sure you've seen
some of this too, I feel likethere is more openness now
than there wasmaybe ten years ago,
20 years ago.
I am even in my own church,seeing more honest
and open conversationsaround this.
(24:06):
So I think thethe realization of okay,
especially in this ageof technology, like
there are a lot of thingshappening,
a lot of private momentsin people's lives and hearts
and struggles.
And there is a needto address it more.
So I am seeing a movementin the right direction.
I think just with the increaseof resources of books,
I've heard of women even goingthrough the book.
(24:26):
My sister and I wrote,“Sex, Purity, and the Longings
of a Girl's Heart” doing women'sstudies in their churches.
And to me, that is a huge step.
Like, wow, we are going straightfor the meat.
Like we are going thereand having these conversations.
So I'm encouraged bysome of that, but I know it's
just begun there.
We need to continue.
And if someone's listeningand they're like, yeah,
my church has never mentioneda single thing, well,
(24:48):
you could bethe first one, you know?
And that's somethingthat I've taken on
in my own life to say, well,I it's easy to complain,
but am I being honest?
Am I being vulnerable,am I sharing?
And I was convicted about thata while back and took steps
to get open and honest,even in my own small group,
in my own church, to sharesome of the struggles I've had
and some of the currenttemptations and struggles
(25:08):
that I wrestle with.
And it was hardand it was vulnerable,
but it really in my own walk, itjust kind of pushed me
forward to say the churchshould be the place,
and if it should be,then I need to take that step.
I need to be onewho's open and honest,
and I think that will influencethose that are around us.
I love that in the church.
I mean, the church is us.
So we are the church.
(25:28):
Actually, all of usare the church.
So it's not justpeople out there.
Yes, I love them.
Well, hopefully some,you know, women
listening to thisand even men, you
know, can be empowered.
You know, sometimes youwe just have to go first.
And there's appropriateways to do that.
You can find the the right way,the right channel, you know,
talk to your leadership.
Maybe it's in your small group,but absolutely like we all could
(25:50):
we could lead the way.
If there's notsomething happening,
don't just likeleave it to your pastor.
Yeah. Amen.
Yeah.
All right, well,let's move on. Sorry.
My screen just did something.
No change here.
Technology's great.
When I went down.
I was like, oh, my gosh,all these windows
are popping up.
Hold on. No.
Okay, there we go.
That was super weird.
(26:11):
I think it wants to reboot or.
Like, right now.
Update right now.
Oh my gosh, my editorcut all that out for us.
Okay.
So let's let's move on to talkis your mom.
And, you know,we have a lot of parents
that listen to this podcast and,you know, moms and dads
both raising daughtersin this hyper sexual, hyper
(26:32):
digital world.
What advice do you havefor them or wisdom to,
you know, to really help raisea biblically sound?
And, you know, woman, you know,because ultimately were charged
with raising them to adults and,you know, there's just not a lot
of great resources out there.
But what have you foundthat's been effective?
(26:53):
Yes.
Well, my kids arestill younger-ish.
14, 10, and then alittle baby girl.
So two boys, one little girl.
So I'm, I'm already trembling,thinking of the future
of, like, what?
Technology are they gonnawhen they're older, you know.
Yeah, but one thingthat I have found so helpful,
especially with my older two,is not waiting
for some magical ageto start talking
about God's designfor sexuality.
(27:15):
There are age appropriate waysthat we can decide.
Are children in the truthto understanding
God's good design for sexuality,for their body, their desires,
their questions.
As parents, we should betheir number one resource.
They should not have torely on Google
when they're old enoughto have a phone,
or getting informationfrom their friends,
or sneaking a peekat some magazine.
(27:36):
They should be able tocome to their parents.
We should be the ones.
But I think as parentsit can be really scary.
Like, how do I address this?
How do I talk about this?
But there aremany resources online
that are ageappropriate for younger,
you know, children even down tolike younger kids,
just in very basicforms, talking about
God's design for your bodyand not being afraid
(27:58):
to even name bodyparts, you know, to
tell your little girl, you knowshe has a vagina
or a little boy, it's a penis.
And and it can feel almost like,oh, this feels uncomfortable.
But we if we'reawkward about it,
how much more awkwardare our kids going to be?
They're never goingto come to us if they feel
any sense of weirdness.
And so my encouragementto parents is the same thing
that I've had to kind ofget over is
(28:19):
this is God's design.
Let's reclaim it and let'snormalize it to help our kids
understand it in a beautifuland healthy way.
Let's be proactive,not reactive.
And as your kids get older,obviously the they think
the resources you can gothrough can get more, in-depth.
You can go through book studies,you know, once they get a
little bit older.
(28:39):
I recommend to mothersand daughters all of the time
to go through“Sex, Purity,and the Longings
of a Girl's Heart,”because it has a built in study
guide at the back, questionsthat make it so easy for you
to go through onechapter at a time.
And if you, asa parent, are like,
I just don't knowwhat questions to ask or
how to dig in, how do I,you know, break the ice
on the topic of pornography?
Well, a book study hours.
(29:00):
There are others.
I know you guys have stuffauthentic intimacy is another
great ministry.
There are resources out therethat we can utilize
and we can use toguide our children
and disciple them.
And understandingGod's good design,
because, again, if they're nothearing it from us,
then they are going to hear itfrom someone else.
And it is most likelynot going to be the beautiful
(29:20):
version of sexualitythat God lays out
for us in Scripture.
So my biggest encouragementis to be proactive.
Don't just be reactive.
Absolutely.
Those are great, you know, stepsthat parents can take.
And all of those thingsalso help insulate our kids
from the dangers of groomersand, you know, predators online
and things oncethey do get online.
(29:42):
So, I mean, you're not onlyteaching them the beauty of,
you know, the wayGod designed sex and you know,
their bodies and how toappreciate that, but you're also
protecting them from danger,you know, online and and even in
the real world.
So I love that.
And I think it's so important.
And there are tons ofgreat resources.
You just have to knowwhere to find them.
So the church should be,you know, a great place
(30:03):
to also seek outthose resources.
Covenant Eyeshas some on our website.
Authentic intimacy is agreat resource
as well for parents.
And of course, your booksounds like a great fit
for that.
Like pre-teen teenagemom daughter kind of study.
I love that idea.
Well, we're coming to the endof today's episode.
I want to make sure peoplecan get connected with you
(30:23):
because they probablyhave more questions,
and they probablywant to learn more about
how they can get involved.
So where can they go toget your books, listen to your
podcast, or, you know, check outany of the other resources
you guys have.
Yeah, GirlDefined.com is whereeverything's that
of course Amazon.
And we have allof our books on there.
We just finished“Made to Be She”was our sixth book.
(30:45):
So we've got some good ones.
We've got a book on loveand relationships.
Obviously sex and purity.
Girl Defined was our initialoriginal book
talking about womanhood.
In a more basic level.
And then our most recentmade to be she's kind of taking
a deeper dive, geared toward,you know, a little bit older,
maybe 2030s than just teens.
But, I mean,any woman of any age I think
(31:05):
would really benefit from it.
If you're like, I just wantto understand God's design.
I know I'm believing lies.
I'm not really sure where to go.
Like, that can be areally great start.
So follow us on Instagram.
We'd love to hang outwith you, chat with you.
I'd love to continuethis conversation.
Answer any questions.
That's it.
Instagram GirlDefined we haveYouTube GirlDefined.
Just search GirlDefinedand it'll all come up
awesome. Well, great.
(31:26):
We'll make sure we put the linksin the show notes to you
so that the listenerscan easily find those.
If they just happento be driving at the moment
and can't rememberall that. So up.
I know how it is.
We're all the same. Yes.
And multitasking is ourone of our strong suits.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much Kristenfor being on the show today.
And thank you foryou and your sisters ministry.
(31:46):
I think it's such a blessing.
And, you know, just continueto get out there and share this
great message of encouragementand hope to our women.
They need that so desperately.
So thank you againfor joining us.
Thanks for having me, Karen,and thank you for all the work
you guys are doingat Covenant Eyes .
I know we actuallyuse y'all's program,
y'all's filteringfor my son's computer
that he uses for school.
(32:07):
And just a lot ofyour resources, your blog post,
your podcast.
So greatly appreciate the workyou guys are doing.
Keep it up.
Thanks so much.
Well, to all of our listenersout there, be sure to share
this episode with your friendsand family, and we'll see
you next timeon The Covenant Eyes
Podcast. Take care.
God bless.
Hey everybody, welcome backto The Covenant Eyes Podcast.
We are really excitedabout today's episode.
We have a really fun guestwith a lot of wisdom,
a lot of energy,and a great story
to share with us.
We have KristenClark joining us, and she is
with a ministrycalled Girl Defined, and it is a
great conversation.
We actually had her sister onI've like a month or so ago,
(00:30):
and the two of themare just amazing women
doing some great stuffin the church.
Kristen, thank you so much forfor joining us today.
Thanks for having me, Karen.
I'm excitedfor this conversation.
Yeah.
So for those that might not knowyour story and your ministry,
would you just kind ofshare a little bit about
what got you startedin this ministry
and, your passionfor helping women?
(00:51):
Yeah.
So like you said, my sisterBethany and I started Girl
Define togetherabout ten years ago.
And our passionfrom the beginning
was just to help our generationand the next generation of women
understand God's designfor their womanhood.
So we always say,the one who designed you
is the one who defines you.
And you know,as a woman, it's so easy
and as a man.
But our ministry is for womento to find our identity
(01:12):
in everythingbut who God says we are
and his planand good design for us.
So trying to bring a biblicalunderstanding
to the relevant issues of today,from everything to relationships
to sexuality to femininityto success, our purpose in life,
just everything that has to dowith womanhood, understanding it
through the lens of Scriptureand then allowing God
(01:33):
to define us and then inturn, finding
freedom and flourishing.
And that I love that, that,you know, in our culture,
like the message ofwhat is a woman gets so lost
in the conversation,not to be cynical at all,
but I mean, honestly, you know,I feel for the
younger generationbecause they're really,
you know, not being givengood, sound biblical training
(01:54):
sometimes, especiallyif they're online all the time
on social media,because the images
and the thingsthat they're seeing
are defining women in a waythat is actually not
God honoring.
So let's talka little bit about, you know,
you've talked openly about yourpast struggles with sexual sin
and that journey.
And certainlyI think that would be
a good place to kind of startso that our listeners
(02:16):
can really relate to the factthat you've been
there before and youyou really had to lean into
God and learn,what he had in store
for you and your life.
Yeah.
So going back in time.
I grew up as a believer.
I'm an 80s baby, but, you know,really grew up in the 90s
and grew upin a lot of the purity
culture movement,which in so many ways
I am thankfulfor a lot of it, for,
(02:38):
just a lot of the discipleshipthat I received
and understanding a lotabout God's design for purity
and pursuing thatand the importance of that,
the value of that.
But one of the dishesthat I fell into as a young
Christian woman was havingsexual struggles,
but being too afraid or scaredto speak about them
openly, to share,because I felt like, okay,
I am called to bethis pure woman.
(02:59):
I need to be this godlyChristian woman.
I had younger womenlooking up to me.
I'm the oldest of five sisters.
So I felt thisputting it on myself.
This pressure ofI need to look the part.
Even though I'm struggling onthe inside.
I can't letanybody know about that.
So some of the storiesthat I've shared openly,
even in our book,“Sex, Purity,and the Longings
of a Girl's Heart”,that my sister and I
co-authored together,I share very openly
(03:21):
a lot of my journeyof wrestling with what
I call secret sin of strugglingwith, habitual masturbation.
And that wasvery fantasy driven,
very lust driven for meand my heart.
Just lust on a general level,just struggling
and not really knowinghow to get out of this.
I was way too ashamed to tellanybody about it.
I really felt likeI needed to keep up
(03:42):
that image of the pureChristian girl.
And it wasn't untilmultiple years into my struggle,
probably my later teens,I heard a Christian
speaker talking very openlyabout sexual struggles
at this conference, and it wasthe first time
I had ever heard anybodytalking about masturbation
specifically, and justsome of the pitfalls
that it can havefor us as as anybody,
as young people,just a disordered
(04:02):
understanding of God'sgood design for intimacy.
And I had never heard that.
And for the first time,I felt so convicted,
and I realized,I need to get honest about this.
I have been hiding thisfor years.
I have not told a single personI am so ashamed.
And one of the first stepsthey encouraged us to do.
As if you're struggling,be honest, tell someone
and if you feel like you can,tell your parents
(04:23):
if they're believersand that's a safe place
for you to go do that.
And I remembermaking that decision
then in there that I was goingto be open and honest
and confessed to my parentsthe struggle and ask them
for prayer and help.
And it was the scariest thingI've ever done.
And I know some peoplelistening might be like,
what? Like masturbation?
You're a teen like,that's not a big deal.
At that time in my life,it was it was huge.
And I made that choiceto tell my parents.
(04:44):
And again,it was the hardest thing
I've ever done.
But I'm telling you,on the other side
of that conversation,they were so gracious.
They prayed with me, received myyou confession with open arms.
And they were like,we want to walk with you
and help you.
That was the beginningof my journey toward
not only freedomfrom that habitual sin struggle
that I had wrestledwith for years,
but beginning my journeyof really understanding
what it means to walk in purity.
(05:06):
As a Christian,where we are imperfect,
we struggle.
We have temptation.
But what it looks liketo do that in community,
not in isolation.
Inviting other people,trusted people, mentors, people
who are godly are older than usinto our struggles and saying,
would you comealongside me in this
and not wrestling alone?
So for me, that was thebiggest turning point
(05:26):
was when I got open and honestand invited others to help me
in my struggle.
That's awesome.
And so many of our listenersreally can relate to that,
because that really is likethe gates will
just open right up when westep into that vulnerability
and share our strugglesin that way.
I love that.
Thank you for sharing that.
And thank you for beingvulnerable with your story.
(05:49):
You know, from that, you know,from that experience
and then your growthand sanctification in the Lord.
You then kind of rolledinto this ministry Girl Defined.
So talk to uslike what led you to
to create this ministry?
Because now you'reyou're coaching women
about womanhood andand being a mom and being a wife
and all the things.
So how did you get there?
(06:10):
Well, when we started it,I was probably mid 20s
and I saw so manyof the next generation
struggling withpretty much everything
that I had struggled withand looking for answers.
And these young womenwere basically like
they are today.
But at the time going onlineand looking for answers online.
So Google searchingevery last struggle
that they had.
And my sisterand I thought, wow,
(06:32):
we have wrestled with so many ofthese things.
We're still growingin our understanding
of God's design for womanhood.
But what if we come alongsideof these younger women
as mentors in a sense,and encourage them in their walk
with Christ,in their understanding of God's
design, and provideanswers online that are
biblically based and not just,you know, these girls
coming across who knows whatcosmopolitan article
(06:52):
and then taking that advice.
So we put ourselves out there.
We started bloggingand then it turned into YouTube
and then eventually a podcastand a couple books.
The publisher found us, and it'sjust a cool story
that God just keptopening these doors.
But really, our passionwas wanting to be mentors
to the next generation.
And as we just starteddipping our toe into this
and writing these,you know, back then, blogging
(07:12):
was the thing we receivedemail after email
from young womenwho were saying,
I have struggledwith the same thing,
and especially when it comesto sexual struggles,
those are the onesthat stand out to me the most,
because I cannot tell youhow many emails we received
and still do from young womenand women who will email us,
and the subject linewill literally say, help!
I've never told anyoneabout this struggle,
(07:33):
and they'll go onto share whatever
sexual strugglethey're wrestling with,
whether it is pornography,masturbation, just addicted
to reading erotica, you know,an unwholesome,
unhealthy relationship.
Whatever it is,we're the first ones
they're telling about this,and they felt like they could
because of how open we werewith our struggles
and our journey of tryingto define
every part of our livesaccording to God's good design.
(07:55):
So that's what led us into it,just looking at our own lives
and realizing we're all inthis together, let's let's link
arms and join us, you know,create a sisterhood essentially
of of coming alongsidethese young women.
And to this day, I mean,the need is so great.
That is so good.
And you mentioned, like,you kind of came of age
in the 90s.
So, you know, at that timewe didn't have the internet.
(08:16):
And so, right, you know, imaginegoing through those struggles,
the struggles that you know,young people Gen Z
are going through todaywith access to the internet
because, you know,for my generation, you know,
if you had questionsthat you weren't
comfortable askingbecause I grew up in the purity
culture as well, and it's likeyou would look to
those magazines, you would askyour friends or, you know,
there wasn't an internetto go to.
(08:38):
So you're kind of limited.
But now at the at everyone'sfingertips, they have access to,
you know,all sorts of information
and a lot of itis not biblically sound.
So how does that impactthe next generation,
and how do you thinkthat's changing?
You know, especiallywith pornography, how women are
getting lured into pornographybecause, you know, they may
(08:58):
just be looking for answers,but end up getting sucked
into pornography because of it'saddictive nature.
Oh my goodness,I have such a love
hate relationshipwith technology.
I'm sure you feel the same.
Like, yeah, the benefitsthat come from it
and then the pitfallsand you just see
these young womenlike you're saying they
I think a lot of themare naive in some ways,
just getting on allof these platforms.
(09:19):
Oh, my friend is on this.
My friend is on that.
So they join these differentsocial media platforms or,
you know,dating apps or whatever it is.
And before they know it,they're hooked
into all sorts of,just terrible stuff.
And so much of itis just so promiscuous
and so pornographic.
And what used to be shocking,you know, back when I was young,
is just kind of normal,kind of mainstream now for what
(09:39):
young people are exposed to.
So the need for young womento understand that pornography
is not normal. Okay.
It may be common,but it is not good.
It is not wholesome.
It is not right for your heart,for your mind.
It is warping your perspectiveabout so many things
regarding what true intimacy is.
What God designed sex for,who he designed it to be between
(10:01):
your own body.
Female beauty.
I mean, it's impacting,I think every aspect
of a woman's perspectiveabout womanhood,
about sexuality,about what it means to embrace
relationships rightly.
There's so much distortion,and it's just happening
kind of low keyin the background
in everything they do.
Because you, you see a groupof young people out, you know,
(10:23):
they're at a coffee shop,they're at a restaurant,
they're not talking.
They're all on their phones,which I think is so sad.
So we're losing even thatrelational component
of knowing how to how tohave relationships,
healthy relationships.
So we have shifted our messagingat Girl Defined quite a bit
as we've seen, the impactof social media, of technology,
of every person having this,the world in their pocket,
(10:46):
essentially ontheir phone with access
to things like pornographyso easily, we have targeted
more specific topicstrying to address some of this
and really help women.
And I think a lot of young womenjust feel like they're drowning.
They don't know howto come up for air.
They just feel likethey're drowning.
And that's why I think we getso many of those emails
just cries for help, saying,I don't know what to
do, please help me.
(11:08):
That's so good.
Well, you know, you have a bookthat you put together.
And it was made to be shereclaiming God's plan
for fearless femininity.
So I want to talk a little bitabout that book.
Because I think that's suchan important conversation
and so many people really needto get wisdom
in this area because,you know, you
you've already said it.
I mean, the culture isfeeding us all sorts of lies,
(11:29):
and it is so hardfor our young women to navigate.
You know, you seeall these trends on Instagram,
like being a tradwife is the right thing to do
or being a business, you know,go into the business world
and be your own.
You know, woman,you don't need a man.
Like there are mixed messagescoming at our, our youth.
And so I'm guessing thatyour book hopes
to kind of addresssome of those things.
(11:50):
So talk to us a little bitabout the book
and how it can help young women.
Yeah.
Made to be she reclaimingGod's plan for fearless
femininity are passion and hope.
And writing this wasto try to thread that needle
of not swinging to one endof the pendulum, where we're now
tapping our toe into legalismand creating our own
version of womanhood,but then not swinging so far
to the other side, where we'rereally presenting
(12:12):
a worldly versionof womanhood that's,
you know, girl-bossand you don't need a man.
And so much of whatthe feminists push for,
we were like, how do we writethis book
and really just presentwhat the Bible teaches?
And no more like no more,no less like,
what does the Bibleactually say?
So I'm telling you, it was hard.
It was a really hard,book to write because of that.
But it forced my sisterand I to really dig in
(12:34):
to God's Wordand to really evaluate
truly, genuinely,what does he say?
What does he not say?
And we realize in our own livesthat we had gone astray
in some key areas of, I thinkadopting mindsets that were good
but not necessarilyexplicitly stated in Scripture
regarding our womanhoodand then other mindsets
that we realized, ooh,we really have picked up
a lot on culture'smessaging regarding
(12:56):
what it means to be successful,or what it means
to be beautiful,and really having
to go back to God'sWord and genuinely
evaluate, like,what does he say?
So we camp a lot in passageslike Proverbs 31, which I know,
you know, some women rolltheir eyes, others are like,
oh my goodness,the unattainable woman.
But really just taking a genuinelook of saying, okay, Lord,
(13:16):
you gave us this passage.
This woman, who is she?
What is she about?
What can we learn from her?
Titus two obviously talksabout important things
that God wants older womento teach younger women
and so many ofthose things about,
for married women, you know,loving your husbands,
being keepers of the home,valuing your children,
serving others like thingsthat aren't necessarily messages
(13:37):
we're hearing from in society.
We see thatGod has a very different
value system than what we getfrom culture.
So we just try to really unpackScripture.
We look at Genesis,we take a really hard
look in God's initial creationof the male and female
and the distinctions there.
We have some beautifulchapters called
Made to be he and she,where we unpack what was this
(13:57):
creation order, where we see Godcreating the man first,
giving himresponsibilities, roles,
purpose, identityin his masculinity.
And then in Genesistwo, we see God creating the
second creature after the man.
And she's a counterpart.
She's different,but she's complementary.
She's this beautiful femalethat has a different physical
design, physical capabilities,different hormones.
(14:19):
All of that was there rightat the moment of creation.
And then God brings herto the woman as a helper.
And they're a team.
They are in thisperfect marriage
where there's no sin.
Yet in Genesis two, and we seethis incredible
complementary design of the maleand the female,
and there's so muchthat we can learn from that.
I think we tend to brush over itlike, oh, Genesis two,
you been there, read it,you know, no big deal.
(14:41):
But there is so muchthat we can learn
from God's intention for manhoodand womanhood the male,
the female, the husband,the wife, just from Genesis two.
And then, of course,sin happened and distorted
everything and twistedand warped our desires,
which is the worldthat we live in today.
So I think in our heartswe have this natural
push against God's designbecause of sin, but humbly
(15:04):
coming to the tableand saying, okay, Lord,
what do you havefor my womanhood?
What do you reveal in Genesis?
What do you value in Titustwo and Proverbs 31?
And having an openhandedness like just the picture
I love to, visualize evenfor myself, is
just taking your palmsand opening your hands up
and saying, God, your will,your way, your design, not mine.
(15:28):
And just that surrender nurse,that heart posture that says
again, you're my designer,so you're my definer.
You created me.
You know what's best for me.
Your plan is actuallyfor my good and my flourishing.
Your design, your boundaries,your order.
You aren't against me.
You are for me.
And it's.
It's my sin.
It's my flesh.
It's my heartthat pushes against you.
(15:48):
So help me to surrenderand embrace your design.
To walk in it.
Because you are a good creatorand I know your ways
and your plans and your designsare also good.
Most people don't knowhow to measure whether porn
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(16:11):
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Now back to the show.
You know, it is funny becausewe do skate over the Genesis,
the creation story so many timesbecause we don't want
(17:01):
that to be the case, oftenbecause culture is, you know,
it's telling us like,oh, we're equals.
And, you know,you can do anything
a man can do.
And it's like God has actuallydesigned us to be unique
and different, to support oneanother in special ways.
And I think that's an areathat, you know,
as a woman and I work,and so I'm out in the,
you know, the world.
My kids are grown now.
(17:21):
But, you know, I did have a jobwhen my kids were in school.
And so, you know,I had to find a way to balance
that, like, ensurethat I was aligned with God's
calling for my lifeand that he wanted me
to do this work andand to be a mom and still take
care of the homeand support my husband
and do all these things.
But it it's aninteresting dynamic because the
messaging out there is justso counter-culture
(17:44):
to what the Bible says.
So talk to us a little bit.
You have other booksout there too, and I think
you've got some interesting onesthat are, I think there's
one called “Sex, Purityand the Longings
of a Girl's Heart”.
So that one, you know,I definitely want to dive
into that one as well.
What's that one about?
And what could our listenerstake away from that book?
Well, whatthe title says, right.
It's about sex, purityand the longings
(18:05):
of a girl's heart.
We actually beforewe wrote that book, we surveyed
500 women from our communitythat were a girl
to find followers and ask them,what do you want
us to talk about when it comesto sex and purity?
What are you struggling with?
What are thosequestions that you're too afraid
to ask anybody that you'venever voiced?
What are the strugglesthat you're facing
in your own life?
What are some of thethe sinful habits you find
(18:27):
yourself in thatyou've never told anyone about?
And we had 500 women respond,and it was incredible
and very insightful to hearfrom a variety of women
from all over the world,from singleness
to married teens,your 20s, 30s, 40s.
It really helped uscreate the outline
for this book.
We wanted totalk about the things
that these womenwanted us to address,
(18:48):
and so that really, like I said,created the outline for it.
And we we did not shy awayfrom any topics.
We just went straightfor the jugular,
you know, diving intoand I know this is
normal everyday work for you,talking about things
like pornography,masturbation, erotica,
the secret struggles, just lustand not only
presenting the problems,but how do we find freedom
(19:09):
from these things?
My sister and Ieach have different
journeys, sharing very openlyand honestly about that,
talking about how lustis not just a man's problem.
I know for a lot of womenin the survey, they said,
I feel like I'm the only womanwho struggles with this.
Nobody in my churchtalks about this.
It's only presentedas a man's issue.
And men need thethe small groups
(19:29):
and the Bible studiesand the help.
But the women are just kind ofleft out to dry.
So women would say, I'm scaredto even talk to anybody
because I feel likethey're going to think
I'm really weirdfor even struggling
with pornographyor whatever it was.
So for women to realizethey're not the only ones.
This is a sin strugglethat is common to man.
It's not man as in men,but to mankind,
(19:49):
for men and women and for womento realize, okay,
I'm not the only one.
God does care about this.
He did create meto be a sexual being.
Also, it's not just the menwho were sexual and the women
who were like gender neutral.
Like, no, we have a gender.
We have a sexual design.
We have desires,passions, longings
which can be good and beautiful.
(20:09):
Sex was God's design.
We unpack hisentire design for it.
Our longings for intimacyand really trying to show women
that so often we have thesethese desires for sexual you,
these sex drivesand different things.
And we especially in singleness,we tend to look to
all the wrong places to find it,not realizing,
wow, I was createdas a sexual being,
(20:30):
but my deepest longingultimately is to be in
a relationship with my creatorand my Savior.
So we talkabout that word, yada,
that Old Testament wordthat we see in Scripture
where it's this deep knowingand how God created us
to have this deep and intimateknowing with him
first and foremost.
But yet we try to find thatin so many other ways
(20:52):
that are sinful,that are contrary
to God's design.
So really helping women see one.
Your sexual design is a goodand beautiful thing too.
It has been distorted by sinand our desires
are warped and sin bent.
So how do we redeem that?
Through the powerand the grace of Christ
through the gospel?
How do we findredemption in that,
and then pursue it rightlyand find our satisfaction
(21:12):
ultimately in a relationshipwith Christ?
And then from there in the rightcontext within marriage,
enjoy some of thesebeautiful gifts
that he's given us to experiencesexual pleasure.
That's amazing.
I love that you guys takeon these tough topics.
Head up to your ministry.
We love.
There's not enough out there.
I imagine one day a churchwhere, you know, these kind
(21:34):
of conversations can happen.
I know, you know, moreregularly in women's programs
because, yeah, this is an issuethat definitely
doesn't get discussed.
And let's talk about the churchfor a minute, because, you know,
it's a covenant as we work withlots of churches and, you know,
we, you know, shared the Barnastats, Barna just released
some new stats on, you know,the number of women struggling
(21:55):
with pornography.
Christian womenis up to 44% now.
I mean, that's a prettystaggering number.
And there are, very few, if any,women's centered
programs in churches.
Just talking about, you know,biblical sexuality
and just answeringthe tough questions, let alone
pornography itself.
(22:16):
So what can the churchbe doing to better support women
in this way?
Because I thinkthere are a lot of women
with a lot of questions.
And really, the churchshould be the place
to get answers, you know,the obviously biblically
centered answers.
But we would want thatto be the beacon of hope
and information.
Yeah, I think it starts with theleadership, right?
I mean, the leadersfrom the leaders down,
(22:37):
whether it's church, actualchurch leadership, lay leaders,
small group leaders, we all needto get more honest
because what happensis in churches,
there tends to be thislike silence
around sexual struggles.
But the truth is, every personhas had some struggle
in one way or another,whether you're the pastor
or down to a small groupleader, down
to just your attending,your visiting.
We all have wrestledwith sexual sin,
(22:59):
sexual temptation.
Whether you're a man or a womanin some capacity.
And so the fact thatwe're not talking
about it at alljust speaks to the fact
that we are we're being silentbecause we're either
ashamed, were fearful,we are not responding
in an authentic, genuineway to the things
that are truly happeningin our hearts and lives.
So I thinkfrom the leadership down
there just needs to bemore genuine openness
(23:22):
and authenticity to say, yeah,I've wrestled with this.
You know, I wrestlewith pornography or I,
I struggled with masturbationor I really was addicted
to these certainshows on Netflix
that were very sexualand not healthy for me or,
you know,these women's magazines
that were filling my mindwith basically
pornographic contentin novel forms, words, whatever,
getting honest.
And I think it it's like adomino effect as, as some people
(23:44):
step up to the plate,especially leadership,
and get honest and openand share, then I think that
will naturally trickle downto those who are
in the congregation.
So thankfully,and I'm sure you've seen
some of this too, I feel likethere is more openness now
than there wasmaybe ten years ago,
20 years ago.
I am even in my own church,seeing more honest
and open conversationsaround this.
(24:06):
So I think thethe realization of okay,
especially in this ageof technology, like
there are a lot of thingshappening,
a lot of private momentsin people's lives and hearts
and struggles.
And there is a needto address it more.
So I am seeing a movementin the right direction.
I think just with the increaseof resources of books,
I've heard of women even goingthrough the book.
(24:26):
My sister and I wrote,“Sex, Purity, and the Longings
of a Girl's Heart” doing women'sstudies in their churches.
And to me, that is a huge step.
Like, wow, we are going straightfor the meat.
Like we are going thereand having these conversations.
So I'm encouraged bysome of that, but I know it's
just begun there.
We need to continue.
And if someone's listeningand they're like, yeah,
my church has never mentioneda single thing, well,
(24:48):
you could bethe first one, you know?
And that's somethingthat I've taken on
in my own life to say, well,I it's easy to complain,
but am I being honest?
Am I being vulnerable,am I sharing?
And I was convicted about thata while back and took steps
to get open and honest,even in my own small group,
in my own church, to sharesome of the struggles I've had
and some of the currenttemptations and struggles
(25:08):
that I wrestle with.
And it was hardand it was vulnerable,
but it really in my own walk, itjust kind of pushed me
forward to say the churchshould be the place,
and if it should be,then I need to take that step.
I need to be onewho's open and honest,
and I think that will influencethose that are around us.
I love that in the church.
I mean, the church is us.
So we are the church.
(25:28):
Actually, all of usare the church.
So it's not justpeople out there.
Yes, I love them.
Well, hopefully some,you know, women
listening to thisand even men, you
know, can be empowered.
You know, sometimes youwe just have to go first.
And there's appropriateways to do that.
You can find the the right way,the right channel, you know,
talk to your leadership.
Maybe it's in your small group,but absolutely like we all could
(25:50):
we could lead the way.
If there's notsomething happening,
don't just likeleave it to your pastor.
Yeah. Amen.
Yeah.
All right, well,let's move on. Sorry.
My screen just did something.
No change here.
Technology's great.
When I went down.
I was like, oh, my gosh,all these windows
are popping up.
Hold on. No.
Okay, there we go.
That was super weird.
(26:11):
I think it wants to reboot or.
Like, right now.
Update right now.
Oh my gosh, my editorcut all that out for us.
Okay.
So let's let's move on to talkis your mom.
And, you know,we have a lot of parents
that listen to this podcast and,you know, moms and dads
both raising daughtersin this hyper sexual, hyper
(26:32):
digital world.
What advice do you havefor them or wisdom to,
you know, to really help raisea biblically sound?
And, you know, woman, you know,because ultimately were charged
with raising them to adults and,you know, there's just not a lot
of great resources out there.
But what have you foundthat's been effective?
(26:53):
Yes.
Well, my kids arestill younger-ish.
14, 10, and then alittle baby girl.
So two boys, one little girl.
So I'm, I'm already trembling,thinking of the future
of, like, what?
Technology are they gonnawhen they're older, you know.
Yeah, but one thingthat I have found so helpful,
especially with my older two,is not waiting
for some magical ageto start talking
about God's designfor sexuality.
(27:15):
There are age appropriate waysthat we can decide.
Are children in the truthto understanding
God's good design for sexuality,for their body, their desires,
their questions.
As parents, we should betheir number one resource.
They should not have torely on Google
when they're old enoughto have a phone,
or getting informationfrom their friends,
or sneaking a peekat some magazine.
(27:36):
They should be able tocome to their parents.
We should be the ones.
But I think as parentsit can be really scary.
Like, how do I address this?
How do I talk about this?
But there aremany resources online
that are ageappropriate for younger,
you know, children even down tolike younger kids,
just in very basicforms, talking about
God's design for your bodyand not being afraid
(27:58):
to even name bodyparts, you know, to
tell your little girl, you knowshe has a vagina
or a little boy, it's a penis.
And and it can feel almost like,oh, this feels uncomfortable.
But we if we'reawkward about it,
how much more awkwardare our kids going to be?
They're never goingto come to us if they feel
any sense of weirdness.
And so my encouragementto parents is the same thing
that I've had to kind ofget over is
(28:19):
this is God's design.
Let's reclaim it and let'snormalize it to help our kids
understand it in a beautifuland healthy way.
Let's be proactive,not reactive.
And as your kids get older,obviously the they think
the resources you can gothrough can get more, in-depth.
You can go through book studies,you know, once they get a
little bit older.
(28:39):
I recommend to mothersand daughters all of the time
to go through“Sex, Purity,and the Longings
of a Girl's Heart,”because it has a built in study
guide at the back, questionsthat make it so easy for you
to go through onechapter at a time.
And if you, asa parent, are like,
I just don't knowwhat questions to ask or
how to dig in, how do I,you know, break the ice
on the topic of pornography?
Well, a book study hours.
(29:00):
There are others.
I know you guys have stuffauthentic intimacy is another
great ministry.
There are resources out therethat we can utilize
and we can use toguide our children
and disciple them.
And understandingGod's good design,
because, again, if they're nothearing it from us,
then they are going to hear itfrom someone else.
And it is most likelynot going to be the beautiful
(29:20):
version of sexualitythat God lays out
for us in Scripture.
So my biggest encouragementis to be proactive.
Don't just be reactive.
Absolutely.
Those are great, you know, stepsthat parents can take.
And all of those thingsalso help insulate our kids
from the dangers of groomersand, you know, predators online
and things oncethey do get online.
(29:42):
So, I mean, you're not onlyteaching them the beauty of,
you know, the wayGod designed sex and you know,
their bodies and how toappreciate that, but you're also
protecting them from danger,you know, online and and even in
the real world.
So I love that.
And I think it's so important.
And there are tons ofgreat resources.
You just have to knowwhere to find them.
So the church should be,you know, a great place
(30:03):
to also seek outthose resources.
Covenant Eyeshas some on our website.
Authentic intimacy is agreat resource
as well for parents.
And of course, your booksounds like a great fit
for that.
Like pre-teen teenagemom daughter kind of study.
I love that idea.
Well, we're coming to the endof today's episode.
I want to make sure peoplecan get connected with you
(30:23):
because they probablyhave more questions,
and they probablywant to learn more about
how they can get involved.
So where can they go toget your books, listen to your
podcast, or, you know, check outany of the other resources
you guys have.
Yeah, GirlDefined.com is whereeverything's that
of course Amazon.
And we have allof our books on there.
We just finished“Made to Be She”was our sixth book.
(30:45):
So we've got some good ones.
We've got a book on loveand relationships.
Obviously sex and purity.
Girl Defined was our initialoriginal book
talking about womanhood.
In a more basic level.
And then our most recentmade to be she's kind of taking
a deeper dive, geared toward,you know, a little bit older,
maybe 2030s than just teens.
But, I mean,any woman of any age I think
(31:05):
would really benefit from it.
If you're like, I just wantto understand God's design.
I know I'm believing lies.
I'm not really sure where to go.
Like, that can be areally great start.
So follow us on Instagram.
We'd love to hang outwith you, chat with you.
I'd love to continuethis conversation.
Answer any questions.
That's it.
Instagram GirlDefined we haveYouTube GirlDefined.
Just search GirlDefinedand it'll all come up
awesome. Well, great.
(31:26):
We'll make sure we put the linksin the show notes to you
so that the listenerscan easily find those.
If they just happento be driving at the moment
and can't rememberall that. So up.
I know how it is.
We're all the same. Yes.
And multitasking is ourone of our strong suits.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much Kristenfor being on the show today.
And thank you foryou and your sisters ministry.
(31:46):
I think it's such a blessing.
And, you know, just continueto get out there and share this
great message of encouragementand hope to our women.
They need that so desperately.
So thank you againfor joining us.
Thanks for having me, Karen,and thank you for all the work
you guys are doingat Covenant Eyes .
I know we actuallyuse y'all's program,
y'all's filteringfor my son's computer
that he uses for school.
(32:07):
And just a lot ofyour resources, your blog post,
your podcast.
So greatly appreciate the workyou guys are doing.
Keep it up.
Thanks so much.
Well, to all of our listenersout there, be sure to share
this episode with your friendsand family, and we'll see
you next timeon The Covenant Eyes
Podcast. Take care.
God bless.
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