October 10, 2025 • 42 mins
In this powerful episode of The Covenant Eyes Podcast, hosts Karen Potter and Theo McManigal sit down with Dr. Eddie Capparucci, a licensed Christian therapist and creator of the Inner Child Model, to discuss how faith, emotional healing, and practical therapy work together to break the chains of p*rn*graphy addiction.
Eddie shares his story of leaving corporate America to follow God’s calling into counseling, explains how unresolved childhood pain shapes addictive behavior, and offers actionable tools for emotional regulation and recovery.
You’ll learn:
• Why understanding your “inner child” is key to healing from addiction.
• How faith and psychology can work together seamlessly.
• What to do after a relapse and how to regulate emotions.
• How tools like Covenant Eyes support long-term freedom and accountability.
💡 Whether you’re struggling personally, supporting a loved one, or guiding others through recovery, this episode offers both hope and strategy for healing.
📘 Learn more about Eddie’s books and resources at https://innerchild-sexaddiction.com
✉️ Email Eddie at InnerChildModel@gmail.com
to receive his 20 Emotional Regulation Techniques PDF.
🔗 Download the Victory App and explore Covenant Eyes resources to start your own journey toward freedom. https://cvnteyes.co/41YU8Od
#PornRecovery #ChristianCounseling #CovenantEyes #FaithAndHealing
#EddieCapparucci #InnerChildModel #OvercomingShame #QuitPorn
#ChristianPodcast #EmotionalHealing
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Intro – Welcome and episode overview
01:30 Eddie’s journey from corporate to Christian counseling
03:00 How the Inner Child Model began
05:10 What makes the Inner Child Model unique
07:20 Emotional healing and addiction recovery
10:30 Bridging faith and therapy
13:40 Overcoming shame through God’s perspective
18:00 Why “sex addict” isn’t your identity
20:10 Rewriting negative inner narratives
24:00 Dealing with relapse in recovery
26:00 Emotional regulation and practical techniques
33:00 Caring for body, mind, and soul
35:00 How Covenant Eyes tools support recovery
38:30 Eddie’s message of hope and resources
41:50 Closing thoughts and next steps
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Hey, everybody, welcome backto the Covenant Eyes podcast.
It's so good to have youjoining us.
Make sure you leave a comment,like and subscribe.
We love to hear from you all.
Make sure you also sharethis podcast far and wide
because today's episodeis going to be stellar.
We have an old friendjoining us.
He's been on the podcastfor years,
(00:26):
and every time he bringsamazing information and research
from his own clinical practicesand we're just really excited
to have him.
I also have joining me, Theo,and you all know Theo well.
He has been on the podcastover the last 12 months,
and he is one of the hosts here,and we're just excited
to have you back today, Theo.
(00:46):
Welcome back.
Karen.
And, the pleasure's all mine.
I'm excited to be with you.
Thanks for having me.
How are you today?
Doing amazing.
Oh, my goodness.
We've had a full dayof recording today,
so it's been fun.
And actually, Eddie Capparucciis our final guest of the day,
and he is a veryskilled professional
(01:07):
who is going to talka little bit
about some of the workthat he does
is in, in his counselingpractice, as well
as some of the contentthat he's created in our very
own Victory app.
So I'm really excitedabout that. Theo.
That is fantastic.
Well, let'shop right to it. Yeah.
Eddie, thanks for being with us.
Well, thank youfor having me here.
And, like,expectations are so high
(01:29):
for what I need to say,so I hope I meet them.
You will.
Awesome.
Well, Eddie,for anyone out there
that has not been familiarwith your content, your work,
give them a littlebit of your background
and how you got started.
Really, in the practicethat you have now?
Yeah, I don't likeI been in practice
now for 14 years.
This is a God thing.
(01:51):
Strictly a God thing.
I was in corporate Americafor about 25 year.
And I've my faithcontinued to grow and to build.
He finally tapped meon the shoulder and said,
I have something different yetbecause I'm moving away
from corporate America,and I want you to go into the
counseling world.
And after fighting himfor a couple of years,
(02:12):
which my wifegot a big kick out of
watching that happen, I gave inand then I even
realized what it wasyou wanted me to do.
I thought, foryou want me to go, to seminary
to be a pastor?
That I then found outand realized no one to me,
it could be a counselor.
(02:33):
You.
I went back, and I didthe master's degree and did
all the state work,got licensed, then
opened up a practicefor general practice.
Well, let me tell you,within a very, very short
period of time.
All these men started coming inthat, you know, were dealing
with corner and sex addictionand different things.
(02:53):
And I'm like, oh my God,these look like me 15 years ago.
And then it just all connected.
I go, nowI know what he wants me to do.
So, when he got my certificationand I've been working
as a teacher in the fieldnow for about 14 years.
I guess I'm best knownfor the development
(03:14):
of the Inner Child modelthat I created.
Because I'm a big believerin the fact that our path
still haunt us todayand that the inability
to sit and cross that with a lotof subconscious,
emotional distressthat drives us to a gate
(03:37):
through addictive behaviors.
And so therefore,I put the Inner Child model is
about one educating,men and also women.
Now we do it for women.
And we've also juststarted doing that
for the trade partner.
But helping them understandthat their power is impeding
their ability to heal today.
(03:59):
And the big emphasiswith all of this is
with the Inner Child model,the idea of self-reflection,
insight, answering thewhy question.
Why do I think feel empathythe way I do?
Because if I have the answersto those question, I'm empowered
(04:21):
to make not just sitdown to change it, but light
life and change itso that that gives you
a little overview of me.
That's that's fantastic.
So thanks for sharing that.
This Inner Child modeldefinitely seems to have gained
a lot of traction.
But tell us whatmakes it, unique
and how does it differ?
(04:42):
So 2.2 thingsI want you to hit on.
And number one,what makes the Inner
Child model unique.
And so and what in regardto how it differs from,
traditional approaches.
And then number two,how does it, help
the individuals you talked aboutwho have sex addiction
or pornography addictionor other such behaviors?
Yeah.
Well, Theo,that's a great question.
(05:04):
But the thing is,how does it differ?
It Giffard because itbrings together
many different typesof other therapeutic approaches.
Now, I did not realizethat when I created it,
it was through one of my peersthat I, we wrote a book
about how the model workswith all addiction.
(05:25):
He he is the Director ofthe Treatment of Addictive
Behaviors Centercenter in London.
Nathan Jones.
And he in his practicein his practice.
He and his colleagues have beenhave been using the model
for several years.
I didn't even know this.
And he approached me tosaid, you know what?
We use it for alladdictive behavior.
(05:48):
So we wrote a book about thatusing a lot of his case studies.
To go back to your question,I mean, it is part of, you know,
it has cognitivebehavioral therapy in it
and narrative therapy and schematherapy at it.
There are 6 or 7 differenttypes of therapy
that come togetherthat make that model
(06:11):
what makes it differentand unique, I think from
all the rest is, number one,the fact that it has a lot of
different components.
Number two, the fact thatwhat it does, it really works on
not just helpingan individual to learn
how to managetheir their addiction, so that
(06:35):
what we're doing,we're managing it, okay.
We're not curing it,we're managing it.
But also help them in learningto become more emotionally
engaged, more awareof their surroundings,
more mindful, and that we knowwhat it comes
to sexual addiction.
Well, we're talking aboutan intimacy disorder
(06:57):
that what part that could calm,you know, identified,
you know, decades ago.
And therefore many of the menI'd come to understand
in my practice and many ofmy colleagues have confirmed it,
neither of you can.
Then I work with theiremotionally on the develop.
So this program also helps themin that at that dance.
(07:20):
And the second partof your question,
it goes back to whatI said before.
What the mark doesit help the individual to learn
more about themselves again, whythey think the way they do,
they act the way they doand feel the way they do.
And it is usually drivenby their path.
(07:43):
And what are the thingsthat they got that you should
not have gottenin the way of abuse?
And what are the thingsthey didn't get that
they should have gotten,which was that emotional
nurturing from people.
So now having thatunderstanding that
many of them don'tunderstand, that
they don't understandthat their path
is troubling them today,and to both them
(08:07):
don't know how to sitwith emotional discomfort.
And when we talk aboutemotional discomfort,
it takes on a lot of differentfacets, including boredom.
Boredom’s emotional discomfort.
You don't know howto sit with that.
So therefore the modelalso teaches them
how to do that.
They realized I can sitwith my emotional pain
(08:28):
and I process it because we gothrough this.
Think about it.
What do people who strugglewith addiction give?
What is the coping strategythat they used to escape?
Right.
That's what they're doing.
They are keeping something.
They're running from something.
With the model, what we're doingis we're teaching them
(08:52):
to take the raw emotionthat they're running from,
how we get them that you.
My number one rule.
Slow everything down.
My number one rule.
The recovery.
And take all the raw emotionprocess through those.
And then put them torational thinking
(09:15):
so that they can start to seewhat the difference
between what I feeland what if we go.
And the way they do that,they're looking at it
from reality, what they doif they're following out
everything that the consumptionthey're throwing out,
everything that's pure baseand they're throwing
out everythingthat's an internal lie
that people needabout themselves.
(09:36):
I'm not good enough.
I, I'm, you know, not lovable.
And when you do that,what you do
is you take the stockof raw emotion
and you whittle it downto just a few.
I get what you can handle thatyou don't have to run away
any longer at that isthe biggest key
(09:58):
to the whole thing.
For tomorrow.
So that that's the most uniqueaspect of the model.
He is taking the ideaof teaching people
what they feel, the raw emotion,and being able to realize
they don't have towalk away from them.
What I just need to dois put them in the proper
(10:18):
perspective so that Ithen can manage them.
So now, if I don't need to run,if I don't need to keep.
I should bein a pretty good place
so that that what the modeltries to do.
I know a very long answer.
No, that was extremely detailed,and I think it was
(10:40):
really helpful for our listenersto understand that because you
really impacted, I want to leaninto the fact that,
you know, you areyou're a Christian
therapist as well.
So in your work, you also,I would imagine, integrate
biblical principlesas you're, you know,
coaching and counseling people.
How do you bridge the gapbetween the therapy side
(11:02):
and the biblical side,or do you see that
just kind of naturallybuilding a, you know, a bridge
to all togethervery easily because,
so much of whatthe Bible teaches us
is practical and therapy.
Yeah.
But my trainingwas the integration of theology
with psychology.
So therefore it never seemedto be, to your point,
(11:24):
caring a gap.
It's just very natural for meto move from one to the other.
And so therefore what Iuse, I use the Christian aspect
not to shame, not to condemn,but to mold a thing and to
(11:44):
help to build a sense of,you know, excitement for them.
So therefore,I'm using the clinical
practices ofa clinical component
to be able to say,okay, these are what one has
called the problem.
And two, these arethings solution
(12:07):
that we need to help to.
We do that problem.
But at the same timein order to be able
to give you hope,to give you confidence that she
with that negative knowing thatplace in our head,
those negative narrative,that point I can turn to,
you know, the dialogof talking about Christ
(12:30):
and talking about,you know what Jesus,
Jesus sees the client becausethe one thing I
like to say to hima lot is, you know what?
We have to move awayfrom how you see yourself, to
how God sees you.
Yes, because that'swhere you will have
so much growth.
So forgetI've never looked at it
(12:52):
and go a bridge or a gapbetween the two.
It just seemed to flowvery natural.
That's incredible.
I love that.
I just have to, observe.
Either.
Have you ever seen The Shack?
Yeah, I have it a long time ago,but I have seen.
Or read the book.
(13:12):
Yeah, there's there'sthere's a scene where,
I don't want to spoil too much,but the main character is,
asked to make certain decisionsabout his own children,
and it helps him realizethat God sees everybody
in the world as his child.
(13:33):
And so, you know, I,I just can't help
but see so much of faithas well as God's own
vision of us in the InnerChild model.
That's not to necessarily saywe should see ourselves
as children, although God,Jesus himself did say,
unless you be like children,you can't enter my kingdom.
(13:53):
But that just kind ofstuck with me.
You know, if I,if I can tell you this.
So how did thisInner Child model
come to be that her child model?
And if just based onwhat you were talking about,
you know, the idea again, of howmen saw themselves
who are coming, you come I oftenI saw a lot of shame and to me
(14:18):
shame that number one deterrentthat helped people
to get to that sense of freedom.
So originally thatbegan and right now there are 12
Inner Childrenthat I pray that abide
and the Inner Childto metaphor to that what he did,
it's a metaphor for ouremotional pain point.
So I think that applied the 12what I believe
(14:39):
are the most common pain point,we suffer from when we gather,
for example, the idea of,you know, I'm on a person
or I'm unnoticedor I'm sexually abused,
you know, it'sthose types of things
that we have strength.
So I came uporiginally with nine,
(15:00):
and they werejust the nine reasons
men abuse sex.
and I gaveI had a sheet of paper
and I had the ninewritten on there,
and I had a line or twoabout each, and I gave it
to my client to say, tell me,which one do you identify with?
And they did, and we would gothrough those.
But then I startedthinking about you know, what
the shame that themen are carrying, what can we do
(15:22):
to help them?
What can I do to help themalleviate that?
And I took an ideafrom another book, which I can't
remember the title, and thatwould externalize the addiction.
We're going to externalize it.
So therefore I think,you know what?
I'm going to turn thereason into children.
And now the childrenare the area
(15:44):
where you get your life.
So I want I presentedthat to the dive.
It was like, oh my God,you know what?
I can help this kid.
I can nurture this kid.
I can make this kid better.
And and that's what we saw.
So to go backto your point of what
you're just sayingnow, a moment ago,
with the shocked and thoughtpart of the problem there,
(16:06):
when we can't accepthow God sees it
because of the shamethat that is a big barrier
that we needto break through it.
And I know that are manywonderful books that have been
written on the topicalong the way.
But, you know, I thinkyou got to go beyond
just reading a book to get tothe idea of removing shame.
(16:29):
You have to ultimately startto look at yourself differently.
And I can think ofnothing better,
nothing more powerful to dohelp you look, to look
or feel differentthen to understand
how God sees you and that Godthat you want unconditionally.
And he loves youunconditionally.
(16:49):
Absolutely.
And he took all of our shame,all of our sin, all of our guilt
on that cross, you know,I mean, that's something
that we need to be reminded of,that he took on all of that
for us to redeem us.
And that gift iswaiting for each
and every one of usto accept you.
Probably as many peopledon't accept it
because they don't believe it.
(17:11):
Yeah, well, no, no,he did that to
someone else, not me.
I mean, you don't understandthe magnitude of my sin.
You don't understand whatI am done.
And it's like, no, brother.
Yes, I have, and sister.
Okay, because it'sthe same thing there.
No, I do understand.
I've been there.
I've been down that road and.
But you know what?
That's not, it's a key.
(17:34):
I don't like the term sex addictor porn addict.
I don't like it and I don't.
It's not that I don't like itbecause I'm embarrassed by it
or anything.
The reason I don'thave my clients use it is
because that doesnot define who they are, okay?
That is not what define them.
(17:54):
And so therefore they needto find the label that God
like for example, my labelwhere I am a prince of the King,
that that my labelthat what I wear
I’ve worn it for for decade.
And if not, then truly do I havea predictive brain?
Yeah.
Do I have a compulsive disorder?
(18:16):
Yeah.
Do I have anattachment wound? Yeah.
Those three things I havewhich everyone who
deal with this disorder have,they're all pretty clinical
in nature.
They don't define who I am.
They're just thingsI have to take care of.
So therefore, why am I goingto walk around with a label
(18:38):
such as a drug addict?
Or that's alcoholicor a sex addict or porn addict?
Again, that is not who we are.
God did not design that way.
We are creatures of habitand we are products of
our environment.
All right, we had this.
We didn't come out of the womblike death, right?
(19:01):
It is through the scars,through people and circumstances
that got us towhere we are today.
Not excuses.
All right.
I needed to make changesalong the way.
I should have madethem a long way before I get.
I should have been able topick it up and catch it
long beforeI did not give it that
(19:22):
rationale.
I got attacked the rationaleof what happened,
the circumstances that ledto the creation
of almost a full blowndark picture that fortunately
got here over 25 years ago.
But this iswhat we're dealing with when men
can start to lift that shame,and see healing happen
(19:44):
so much quicker.
And so thatbrings up the question.
And so how can people,regardless of, you know,
our listeners, thosewho might be carrying
a lot of shame, especially dueto their struggle
with pornography,or if they're in
a different place,whatever the case may be,
how can how can our faith,our Christian faith
and how do you use in yourtherapeutic practice,
(20:06):
our Christian faithto get your clients
or anyone listening?
How can we how can the faithhelp us see ourselves
and each other differently?
Yeah, well,the first thing I do is
I want them tostart to understand
what is all this noise,this up in their head,
this negative noise.
So thereforewe start to identify,
okay, what are thenegative narratives
(20:27):
that you have with many peoplethat they don't?
I mean, they may sayit to themselves, but they don't
think about iton a regular basis.
But yet they feel it.
So therefore now I'm going tohave them identify.
I can't name the pain.
Okay.
I'm I'm not good enough.
Okay? I'm stupid.
(20:49):
You know,I get go down the list.
There are hundredsof different negative.
And once we have themall established right now
what I'm going to dois I'm going to have them
start to define for me.
Why should I believe that I likewhat they need
to do for themself?
Why should I believe this?
(21:10):
And it has to be somethingthat they can actually prove.
And in many cases,the other thing I asked them
to do also is where did thisnegative narrative come from?
Where did it?
Again, we don't come outof the womb with the
negative narrative that we have.
(21:30):
The where do we get the senseor the feeling that
I'm not good enough?
Oh, well, you know, my fatherused to call it
that way, you know,criticizing me
about this, not about.
Okay. All right.
So that was dad criticism.
You know, you think Iwas objectify?
Well, all the probablysome of it. Okay. Yeah.
(21:52):
Probably go up.
We all can be justifiedin some way, but do you think
you deserved all of thatwhen you got.
No, I didn't, all right.
Do you do nothing.
Well no I cando something with it.
Oh what do you do? Well.
And so therefore we takeand we are again
flipping the script.
We're going awayfrom the what I feel
(22:14):
which are all thenegative narrative.
And we're moving overto what is real,
and we're startingto get them to see them
through from the light of trueunderstanding.
Also, you know, again,what happens.
God see you.
God sees you, you know,at that individual
(22:35):
that he created,who he again accepts and loves
unconditionally.
He knows that we're flawed.
He knows we're broken.
Right?
And all he askedis that we believe
and that we repent when we makeour mistakes.
(22:56):
And with all of that,there's again that lovely
word of grace accepting gracethat if I can accept grace
to understand, you know what?
I don't have to be perfect.
It's okay to be broken.
But I can alsobe on that pathway
(23:17):
of sanctification where I amthriving to become better.
That's it.
I'm get trying to get better.
Be better at a person.
I may follow through.
Okay, I get back up thatmyself up and down the road,
but people feel sometime that they have
(23:39):
to be perfect because you don'twait in very rigid
religious household, you know,with all the rules,
all the regulation.
And it's like, no, see,the thing about Christianity,
it's so wonderfulis that it is so light
that what Jesus said aboutmy yoke is not heavy,
(24:01):
that when people startto understand that,
we are like, wow, you know what?
I have to takeand believe in Christ,
that even my board and my Saviorand I have to accept it.
Great.
Wow, that's so effective.
Way too easy that there's gotto be a hook.
There can be something else.
(24:22):
And it's like motivation.
There's nothing else.
It's so that, you know,the thing that, a lot of people
who are going through addictionrecovery or pornography
addiction recovery,they often talk
about the experience ofand you mention
this briefly, but, you know,they'll get some progress.
They'll feel like they're makingsome headway and they get
(24:43):
a step back.
How do people really workthrough that?
And not just, you know,throw the baby out
with the bathwater, as they say,because oftentimes that can be
really discouragingif you fall and slip
in your journey.
But, you know, like when you'reclimbing a mountain,
if you make a misstep,you don't just go all the way
to the bottomand start over again.
(25:03):
Right?
You just get up where you're atand keep going.
But how does that workin recovery, you know?
And what haveyou encountered with
some of your clients?
What does that look like?
I think the most importantthing, what somebody
have a relapse, is to beable to, one, to
take a step back.
And you're right,it is devastating for them.
(25:23):
Understand that.
But one thingthat we as therapists need to do
is not be beatingsomebody up about like, yep,
we get down like, really?
Don't you going to be good?
No. Okay. Happened.
So what to me it most importantthing is why
you think it happened.
What went well along the wayto get you there.
(25:47):
And we're going to findin both cases, a large majority
of the casesis that that individual
was drained mentally,emotionally, physically
or spiritually.
If one or more of thosefour areas because what
were drainedget why we lose sight
(26:09):
of everything elsethat we're supposed
to be focused on,because we've now become
emotionally regulated?
I've come to believe,and I've been making
a big, strongpush with this over
the last six months.
Emotional regulationin recovery.
(26:31):
Think about it for a moment.
If you'reemotionally regulate it.
What could go wrong despite thecircumstances surrounding you,
the fight or whatever inyour life is going on?
If you're ableto stay emotionally,
regulate it.
(26:52):
Here you you can pretty muchhandle anything.
And so therefore,what you're gonna find
when someone relapse, they havebecome emotionally regulated.
So therefore it now all right.
Let's identifywhat the problem was.
What couldwe have done differently
(27:14):
to prevent itfrom happening. Right.
What if the new planto make sure
that I get put in place?
But most importantly, again,what are you doing
to almost surelyregulate yourself
or keep yourself as emotionallyregulated as possible?
(27:35):
Because let's face it,none of us live in that window
of tolerance 24 sevenbut you know,
if I could be there85% of the time,
and even if what I'mtrying to get out of it,
maybe I keep one foot in thethat center window, right?
Maybe before instead of gettinghyper disregulated,
or hypo disregulated.
(27:56):
If I keep one foot there,I can maybe move myself
back faster.
And in doing that now I'm what?
I'm where what am I?
I'm grounded.
Grounded people don't relapse.
They don't groundedpeople don't relapse
emotionally, regularly.
People don't relapsebecause they are very aware
(28:21):
of their of their surrounding,of their circumstances
and more importantly,they're very aware of
what's going on within themmentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually.
That is so good.
And, you know,in the business world, you know,
one of the big skills that theyreally lean into is emotional
intelligence, right?
(28:41):
And so, so oftenin the business world,
we talk about a magician,emotional intelligence,
and how that's suchan important factor
as you continue to move upin your careers and move on.
So it's a skillthat's appreciated across
many different industries.
And I think thatthat's interesting
because I often think aboutmy own personal experiences
(29:02):
where, you know,I have been dis, you know,
dysregulated emotionallyand responded, you know,
maybe to my spouse or to my kidsand, you know,
and not so gracious way.
And really,if you take a step back
and look at that,there was a trigger,
there was somethingthat, you know,
was off in my life that led meto be emotionally deregulated.
(29:22):
So unpacking that with peoplehas got to be powerful,
because once you can learnto master that and your emotions
are no longermastering you, there's
so much that we can do,we can be more present
for other people,were more aware
of how we're interactingwith the world around us.
It's just sucha powerful principle.
Eddie. Oh my goodness.
What you just talked about.
Karen, it's so truethat there are driving force
(29:47):
and that lead hasto be regulated.
But those don't alwayssometimes happen in a flash.
Sometimes they buildupon themselves.
So therefore you're just slowlymoving toward
going up to be hyperdisregulator or slowly
drop dropping down to be hypodisregulated.
(30:10):
And I what I didwas I actually went and did a
I did some research, and I foundwhat I thought were the most
the 20 probably the mosteasiest simple way
to emotion dayemotionally regulated and I
so I have a list of thoseat what I do with my clients.
(30:30):
I give that to them and I sayI want you three times a day
proactively, three timesa day, morning,
afternoon, evening,picking one of the different,
you know, techniquesand using it to use it
and then regulate itso you can feel and say, oh, oh,
(30:51):
that calm that, thatwhat peace is.
So the reason I have 20because not everybody is going
to be able to implementall of that.
And there are some thattake a little bit
more time than others.
Like for example,immersing your face
in a bowl of ice water.
Okay.
You're not going to be ableto do that in the midst
of a meeting at work, right?
(31:12):
That's not going to work.
Sometimes I'd like to, though.
Yeah, I'm sure you all would,but but but there's a lot
of other things.
Like you don't get it with thispiece of, skin between our thumb
and our index finger,where we can actually
push it a little bit.
It's very, very soft.
So we take your thumbon your other hand
(31:34):
and just rub it in acircular fashion very slowly.
And what it does is it justfeels this calming sense
that you have that, that, that,that other one
that you're there.
So, so there's 20different techniques
that people can use.
I usually tell them pick for itby mix them up
(31:55):
and just make surethat you're doing it every day,
three times a day, so that youare proactively
regulating yourself.
And that again, as I saynow, you know, oh,
if what it feels liketo be regulated, because, again,
people who strugglewith addiction,
(32:17):
we're not very mindfulof how we are doing
mentally, emotionally,spiritually or physically.
We're just running through lifewith our head down.
We need to stop,slow everything down
and be very, very aware of whatif my mind, my body
(32:38):
and my soul killing me?
You mentioned the the mind,the body and the soul
and I just have to ask,do you do you consider or
look at evenwhat people are doing
with their bodies as far as whatthey're eating or how they're,
you know, physically activeor inactive in, in part of your,
therapy process.
Do you have techniques thathelp them look at that?
(33:00):
Because I knowfor me personally, you know,
if I eat a lot of carbsand get that glucose spike,
it really can take me onan emotional rollercoaster.
I have to really regulate myselfwell because I get spikes and I
I'm a little unhingedwhen I have too many carbs.
You know, I mean, it'sand everybody's different, but
is that part of the processis helping people even assess
(33:21):
that part of their body and howit's interacting?
Yeah, it have to be.
It has to be because there aremany different factors
to your point that if you'redehydrated.
Yeah, okay.
Get up.
It's going to be playinghavoc on your body.
There are so many things,if we're not doing
exercising, okay.
If we get sitting aroundall day long,
(33:41):
that could play havoc on ournot just our body, but our mind
and also on our soul.
What would our emotion,you know, to make people and go,
you know, wait too long?
Yeah.
You had put them away and andreally challenged yourself
to find things that areintellectually
(34:02):
stimulating for you.
So yeah, thatdefinitely part of it.
Again, that is the self-carethat anyone dealing
with any typeof addictive behavior
need to be engaged in.
Because as I saidbefore, between between that
type of self-care where weare covering the gamut,
(34:22):
how I can keep and empowerfor positive influence
on how my body, my mindand soul is going plot,
making sureemotionally regulate it.
I get that is recovery.
You know, sometimes it'sso easy to forget
that pain is actually a gift.
(34:44):
It's telling usthat something's wrong.
It's telling usthat there's something we need
to be attentive to.
But it makes also makestotal sense that,
someone who developsa, an addiction or a bad habit,
I mean, that's reallywhat they're trying to,
you know, avoid the whole time.
I want to pivot,just a little bit here.
And, so for our listenerswho are using Covenant Eyes
(35:04):
as part of theiraccountability journey,
how can toolslike internet filtering
and accountability reports,be complimentary
therapeutic approacheslike your Inner Child model?
Well, I think, you know,those tools are like mandatory
for the folks who arebeginning the process
(35:24):
of recovery.
And the reason they're mandatoryis twofold.
One, again, it isthat accountability.
Two, there's alsoa sense of deterrence out there
trying to learn how to managethe compulsive nature
that they have.
But also it's also beneficialfor the betrayed partner
(35:49):
to make them feel more secure.
It can make them feel saferthat they know, okay,
you got somethingon your devices
and you have thisaccountability partner
who checking on this for you.
And I hope that the caseI hope the the trade partner,
the accountability partner,I don't think that's really
(36:10):
a very positive thingfor them to do.
So I, for me,anyone who comes in, you know,
we have company ninethat's going
on their devices. Just.
And do they need tokeep it on forever?
No, both people don't.
Some people do.
Some people keep it on.
They will only keep it on mine.
(36:33):
But we don't always have you.
But we need it therejust to serve as that edge.
Okay?
To be able to,because let’s face it,
what are we doingwhen someone comes
in to therapy?
Discovery is just happen, right?
We we need to provide a lotof education and insight.
(36:54):
Plus this is the real keyis you have to
really emotionallyget regulate it people
at the moment.
Right.
We we are asking you know,the person who had betrayed to,
you know, hey, I need you tostay regulated.
(37:17):
I need you to be calm.
I need you to focuson your recovery.
I need you to be engagingwith your partner.
And I need you not to walk awayfrom all this
emotional distress,to go to you.
Something that you to you did tocomfort yourself before.
So we've taken awaythe number one
comforting tool we have.
(37:38):
We throw them into this hot potof boiling water.
I said, hey, let's do that.
That's why we need somethinglike Covenant Eyes
there for them.
So therefore, because if not,if you're not for that,
these folks are goingto be...gotta run, gotta run.
Well guess what?
(37:58):
This is one placeyou can't run to because if you
want theresomebody can find out.
Somebody can realize it.
So again, it justgives them an edge
while they're tryingto learn the skills
that they need and also tobe able to uncover
what are the reason whyI'm turning
to addictive behaviors.
(38:21):
That's so important.
And I love how you frame itto that.
It's kind of the guardrailsthat we need during that,
that period of time.
So I think that'sthat's so beneficial.
Well, as webring today's episode
to a close, Eddie,I would love for you
to leave our listenerswith a message of hope
or some encouragementand also point them
to where they can learnmore about you and your book
(38:44):
and any of the resourcesthat you have available.
Yeah.
Well, I thinkfrom a standpoint of, hope
to it.
And I know what a struggleit is for many people,
especially those who wereat the very
beginning of recovery,and especially
to be trade partnerswho feel like, you know, it's,
(39:06):
it's ever going to get better.
Is this ever going to you?
Well, I ever be ableto trust again
and the answer is.
Yes.
Yes you will if everyone doeswhat they need to do
and recovery and healingin that process,
I guess it is time consuming.
(39:27):
It is difficult.
I go for the betrayed partner.
It's like, why do I needto do something?
I did nothing wrong.
No, you're right,you did nothing wrong.
The briefingyou're doing get it?
Because somebody hurt you.
Okay?
If you're in a car accident,somebody hit you
and you got hurt.
Look, like.
Much like we're going to say,well, you don't go to a heart,
(39:48):
but we don't need to gobecause you didn't.
You weren'tgoing to call to action.
No, you're you have pain.
And so therefore we need youbecause you
need to learn how to youemotionally regulate also
along the waybecause that is just
going to ultimately help you,benefit you.
(40:08):
Stay the coursethat’s what I ask.
Stay the course.
It’s going to be a rocky roadthat you all dealt.
You've been through itfor a while,
but also after yourself.
This question, especially forthose of you
who've been doing thisfor two plus years, three year
and four years,and the work being done,
(40:30):
what are we tryingto accomplish?
What what are we trying toultimately accomplish?
And what we're tryingto ultimately accomplish
is to help people being ableto come back together,
actually develop a relationshipunlike anything
you've had before.
Don't lose sight of that goal.
(40:50):
Many people do, because theyget so caught up
in their resentmentand their anger
and their sadnessand more importantly, and their.
Fear will cripple you.
Please don't let fear quickly.
And if you want to learnmore about the Inner
Child model, you want to learnmore about Eddie Capparucci,
(41:11):
all my books there,I think there's six of them now
are available at Amazon,exclusively on Amazon.
If you go towww.innerchild-sexaddiction.com
innerchild-sex addiction.com.
You can find outmore about the Inner Child model
and what that entails also.
(41:32):
Oh and by the way,if anybody wants a copy
of those 20 techniques, I'd loveto give that to them.
And you could do thatby sending me an email at
InnerChildModel@gmail.com.
Again,InnerChildModel@gmail.com.
And I will send thatI've given out, I think over
750 in the last monthand a half, so I'd love to
(41:54):
have a copy of it.
That is incredible, and wewill be sure
to put all the linksin the show notes,
and we'll includethat email address.
So if you want to getyour own copy of the Inner
Child, documentthat you mentioned,
I think that would bea great tool
to have in your toolbox.
So definitelycheck out the show notes
and you'll findall the links there.
(42:15):
Listeners,I just want to thank you
for tuning in.
I know that you learned so muchbecause I did and it was a
great conversation.
Eddie, we are so gratefulfor your time
and you're just so wiseand have so much knowledge.
We're so grateful.
Theo, it is alwaysa pleasure to have you.
Thank you for your thoughtfulquestions and listeners.
Thank you for tuning in.
(42:35):
We'll see you next timeon the Covenant Eyes
podcast. Take care.
God bless.
Hey, everybody, welcome backto the Covenant Eyes podcast.
It's so good to have youjoining us.
Make sure you leave a comment,like and subscribe.
We love to hear from you all.
Make sure you also sharethis podcast far and wide
because today's episodeis going to be stellar.
We have an old friendjoining us.
He's been on the podcastfor years,
(00:26):
and every time he bringsamazing information and research
from his own clinical practicesand we're just really excited
to have him.
I also have joining me, Theo,and you all know Theo well.
He has been on the podcastover the last 12 months,
and he is one of the hosts here,and we're just excited
to have you back today, Theo.
(00:46):
Welcome back.
Karen.
And, the pleasure's all mine.
I'm excited to be with you.
Thanks for having me.
How are you today?
Doing amazing.
Oh, my goodness.
We've had a full dayof recording today,
so it's been fun.
And actually, Eddie Capparucciis our final guest of the day,
and he is a veryskilled professional
(01:07):
who is going to talka little bit
about some of the workthat he does
is in, in his counselingpractice, as well
as some of the contentthat he's created in our very
own Victory app.
So I'm really excitedabout that. Theo.
That is fantastic.
Well, let'shop right to it. Yeah.
Eddie, thanks for being with us.
Well, thank youfor having me here.
And, like,expectations are so high
(01:29):
for what I need to say,so I hope I meet them.
You will.
Awesome.
Well, Eddie,for anyone out there
that has not been familiarwith your content, your work,
give them a littlebit of your background
and how you got started.
Really, in the practicethat you have now?
Yeah, I don't likeI been in practice
now for 14 years.
This is a God thing.
(01:51):
Strictly a God thing.
I was in corporate Americafor about 25 year.
And I've my faithcontinued to grow and to build.
He finally tapped meon the shoulder and said,
I have something different yetbecause I'm moving away
from corporate America,and I want you to go into the
counseling world.
And after fighting himfor a couple of years,
(02:12):
which my wifegot a big kick out of
watching that happen, I gave inand then I even
realized what it wasyou wanted me to do.
I thought, foryou want me to go, to seminary
to be a pastor?
That I then found outand realized no one to me,
it could be a counselor.
(02:33):
You.
I went back, and I didthe master's degree and did
all the state work,got licensed, then
opened up a practicefor general practice.
Well, let me tell you,within a very, very short
period of time.
All these men started coming inthat, you know, were dealing
with corner and sex addictionand different things.
(02:53):
And I'm like, oh my God,these look like me 15 years ago.
And then it just all connected.
I go, nowI know what he wants me to do.
So, when he got my certificationand I've been working
as a teacher in the fieldnow for about 14 years.
I guess I'm best knownfor the development
(03:14):
of the Inner Child modelthat I created.
Because I'm a big believerin the fact that our path
still haunt us todayand that the inability
to sit and cross that with a lotof subconscious,
emotional distressthat drives us to a gate
(03:37):
through addictive behaviors.
And so therefore,I put the Inner Child model is
about one educating,men and also women.
Now we do it for women.
And we've also juststarted doing that
for the trade partner.
But helping them understandthat their power is impeding
their ability to heal today.
(03:59):
And the big emphasiswith all of this is
with the Inner Child model,the idea of self-reflection,
insight, answering thewhy question.
Why do I think feel empathythe way I do?
Because if I have the answersto those question, I'm empowered
(04:21):
to make not just sitdown to change it, but light
life and change itso that that gives you
a little overview of me.
That's that's fantastic.
So thanks for sharing that.
This Inner Child modeldefinitely seems to have gained
a lot of traction.
But tell us whatmakes it, unique
and how does it differ?
(04:42):
So 2.2 thingsI want you to hit on.
And number one,what makes the Inner
Child model unique.
And so and what in regardto how it differs from,
traditional approaches.
And then number two,how does it, help
the individuals you talked aboutwho have sex addiction
or pornography addictionor other such behaviors?
Yeah.
Well, Theo,that's a great question.
(05:04):
But the thing is,how does it differ?
It Giffard because itbrings together
many different typesof other therapeutic approaches.
Now, I did not realizethat when I created it,
it was through one of my peersthat I, we wrote a book
about how the model workswith all addiction.
(05:25):
He he is the Director ofthe Treatment of Addictive
Behaviors Centercenter in London.
Nathan Jones.
And he in his practicein his practice.
He and his colleagues have beenhave been using the model
for several years.
I didn't even know this.
And he approached me tosaid, you know what?
We use it for alladdictive behavior.
(05:48):
So we wrote a book about thatusing a lot of his case studies.
To go back to your question,I mean, it is part of, you know,
it has cognitivebehavioral therapy in it
and narrative therapy and schematherapy at it.
There are 6 or 7 differenttypes of therapy
that come togetherthat make that model
(06:11):
what makes it differentand unique, I think from
all the rest is, number one,the fact that it has a lot of
different components.
Number two, the fact thatwhat it does, it really works on
not just helpingan individual to learn
how to managetheir their addiction, so that
(06:35):
what we're doing,we're managing it, okay.
We're not curing it,we're managing it.
But also help them in learningto become more emotionally
engaged, more awareof their surroundings,
more mindful, and that we knowwhat it comes
to sexual addiction.
Well, we're talking aboutan intimacy disorder
(06:57):
that what part that could calm,you know, identified,
you know, decades ago.
And therefore many of the menI'd come to understand
in my practice and many ofmy colleagues have confirmed it,
neither of you can.
Then I work with theiremotionally on the develop.
So this program also helps themin that at that dance.
(07:20):
And the second partof your question,
it goes back to whatI said before.
What the mark doesit help the individual to learn
more about themselves again, whythey think the way they do,
they act the way they doand feel the way they do.
And it is usually drivenby their path.
(07:43):
And what are the thingsthat they got that you should
not have gottenin the way of abuse?
And what are the thingsthey didn't get that
they should have gotten,which was that emotional
nurturing from people.
So now having thatunderstanding that
many of them don'tunderstand, that
they don't understandthat their path
is troubling them today,and to both them
(08:07):
don't know how to sitwith emotional discomfort.
And when we talk aboutemotional discomfort,
it takes on a lot of differentfacets, including boredom.
Boredom’s emotional discomfort.
You don't know howto sit with that.
So therefore the modelalso teaches them
how to do that.
They realized I can sitwith my emotional pain
(08:28):
and I process it because we gothrough this.
Think about it.
What do people who strugglewith addiction give?
What is the coping strategythat they used to escape?
Right.
That's what they're doing.
They are keeping something.
They're running from something.
With the model, what we're doingis we're teaching them
(08:52):
to take the raw emotionthat they're running from,
how we get them that you.
My number one rule.
Slow everything down.
My number one rule.
The recovery.
And take all the raw emotionprocess through those.
And then put them torational thinking
(09:15):
so that they can start to seewhat the difference
between what I feeland what if we go.
And the way they do that,they're looking at it
from reality, what they doif they're following out
everything that the consumptionthey're throwing out,
everything that's pure baseand they're throwing
out everythingthat's an internal lie
that people needabout themselves.
(09:36):
I'm not good enough.
I, I'm, you know, not lovable.
And when you do that,what you do
is you take the stockof raw emotion
and you whittle it downto just a few.
I get what you can handle thatyou don't have to run away
any longer at that isthe biggest key
(09:58):
to the whole thing.
For tomorrow.
So that that's the most uniqueaspect of the model.
He is taking the ideaof teaching people
what they feel, the raw emotion,and being able to realize
they don't have towalk away from them.
What I just need to dois put them in the proper
(10:18):
perspective so that Ithen can manage them.
So now, if I don't need to run,if I don't need to keep.
I should bein a pretty good place
so that that what the modeltries to do.
I know a very long answer.
No, that was extremely detailed,and I think it was
(10:40):
really helpful for our listenersto understand that because you
really impacted, I want to leaninto the fact that,
you know, you areyou're a Christian
therapist as well.
So in your work, you also,I would imagine, integrate
biblical principlesas you're, you know,
coaching and counseling people.
How do you bridge the gapbetween the therapy side
(11:02):
and the biblical side,or do you see that
just kind of naturallybuilding a, you know, a bridge
to all togethervery easily because,
so much of whatthe Bible teaches us
is practical and therapy.
Yeah.
But my trainingwas the integration of theology
with psychology.
So therefore it never seemedto be, to your point,
(11:24):
caring a gap.
It's just very natural for meto move from one to the other.
And so therefore what Iuse, I use the Christian aspect
not to shame, not to condemn,but to mold a thing and to
(11:44):
help to build a sense of,you know, excitement for them.
So therefore,I'm using the clinical
practices ofa clinical component
to be able to say,okay, these are what one has
called the problem.
And two, these arethings solution
(12:07):
that we need to help to.
We do that problem.
But at the same timein order to be able
to give you hope,to give you confidence that she
with that negative knowing thatplace in our head,
those negative narrative,that point I can turn to,
you know, the dialogof talking about Christ
(12:30):
and talking about,you know what Jesus,
Jesus sees the client becausethe one thing I
like to say to hima lot is, you know what?
We have to move awayfrom how you see yourself, to
how God sees you.
Yes, because that'swhere you will have
so much growth.
So forgetI've never looked at it
(12:52):
and go a bridge or a gapbetween the two.
It just seemed to flowvery natural.
That's incredible.
I love that.
I just have to, observe.
Either.
Have you ever seen The Shack?
Yeah, I have it a long time ago,but I have seen.
Or read the book.
(13:12):
Yeah, there's there'sthere's a scene where,
I don't want to spoil too much,but the main character is,
asked to make certain decisionsabout his own children,
and it helps him realizethat God sees everybody
in the world as his child.
(13:33):
And so, you know, I,I just can't help
but see so much of faithas well as God's own
vision of us in the InnerChild model.
That's not to necessarily saywe should see ourselves
as children, although God,Jesus himself did say,
unless you be like children,you can't enter my kingdom.
(13:53):
But that just kind ofstuck with me.
You know, if I,if I can tell you this.
So how did thisInner Child model
come to be that her child model?
And if just based onwhat you were talking about,
you know, the idea again, of howmen saw themselves
who are coming, you come I oftenI saw a lot of shame and to me
(14:18):
shame that number one deterrentthat helped people
to get to that sense of freedom.
So originally thatbegan and right now there are 12
Inner Childrenthat I pray that abide
and the Inner Childto metaphor to that what he did,
it's a metaphor for ouremotional pain point.
So I think that applied the 12what I believe
(14:39):
are the most common pain point,we suffer from when we gather,
for example, the idea of,you know, I'm on a person
or I'm unnoticedor I'm sexually abused,
you know, it'sthose types of things
that we have strength.
So I came uporiginally with nine,
(15:00):
and they werejust the nine reasons
men abuse sex.
and I gaveI had a sheet of paper
and I had the ninewritten on there,
and I had a line or twoabout each, and I gave it
to my client to say, tell me,which one do you identify with?
And they did, and we would gothrough those.
But then I startedthinking about you know, what
the shame that themen are carrying, what can we do
(15:22):
to help them?
What can I do to help themalleviate that?
And I took an ideafrom another book, which I can't
remember the title, and thatwould externalize the addiction.
We're going to externalize it.
So therefore I think,you know what?
I'm going to turn thereason into children.
And now the childrenare the area
(15:44):
where you get your life.
So I want I presentedthat to the dive.
It was like, oh my God,you know what?
I can help this kid.
I can nurture this kid.
I can make this kid better.
And and that's what we saw.
So to go backto your point of what
you're just sayingnow, a moment ago,
with the shocked and thoughtpart of the problem there,
(16:06):
when we can't accepthow God sees it
because of the shamethat that is a big barrier
that we needto break through it.
And I know that are manywonderful books that have been
written on the topicalong the way.
But, you know, I thinkyou got to go beyond
just reading a book to get tothe idea of removing shame.
(16:29):
You have to ultimately startto look at yourself differently.
And I can think ofnothing better,
nothing more powerful to dohelp you look, to look
or feel differentthen to understand
how God sees you and that Godthat you want unconditionally.
And he loves youunconditionally.
(16:49):
Absolutely.
And he took all of our shame,all of our sin, all of our guilt
on that cross, you know,I mean, that's something
that we need to be reminded of,that he took on all of that
for us to redeem us.
And that gift iswaiting for each
and every one of usto accept you.
Probably as many peopledon't accept it
because they don't believe it.
(17:11):
Yeah, well, no, no,he did that to
someone else, not me.
I mean, you don't understandthe magnitude of my sin.
You don't understand whatI am done.
And it's like, no, brother.
Yes, I have, and sister.
Okay, because it'sthe same thing there.
No, I do understand.
I've been there.
I've been down that road and.
But you know what?
That's not, it's a key.
(17:34):
I don't like the term sex addictor porn addict.
I don't like it and I don't.
It's not that I don't like itbecause I'm embarrassed by it
or anything.
The reason I don'thave my clients use it is
because that doesnot define who they are, okay?
That is not what define them.
(17:54):
And so therefore they needto find the label that God
like for example, my labelwhere I am a prince of the King,
that that my labelthat what I wear
I’ve worn it for for decade.
And if not, then truly do I havea predictive brain?
Yeah.
Do I have a compulsive disorder?
(18:16):
Yeah.
Do I have anattachment wound? Yeah.
Those three things I havewhich everyone who
deal with this disorder have,they're all pretty clinical
in nature.
They don't define who I am.
They're just thingsI have to take care of.
So therefore, why am I goingto walk around with a label
(18:38):
such as a drug addict?
Or that's alcoholicor a sex addict or porn addict?
Again, that is not who we are.
God did not design that way.
We are creatures of habitand we are products of
our environment.
All right, we had this.
We didn't come out of the womblike death, right?
(19:01):
It is through the scars,through people and circumstances
that got us towhere we are today.
Not excuses.
All right.
I needed to make changesalong the way.
I should have madethem a long way before I get.
I should have been able topick it up and catch it
long beforeI did not give it that
(19:22):
rationale.
I got attacked the rationaleof what happened,
the circumstances that ledto the creation
of almost a full blowndark picture that fortunately
got here over 25 years ago.
But this iswhat we're dealing with when men
can start to lift that shame,and see healing happen
(19:44):
so much quicker.
And so thatbrings up the question.
And so how can people,regardless of, you know,
our listeners, thosewho might be carrying
a lot of shame, especially dueto their struggle
with pornography,or if they're in
a different place,whatever the case may be,
how can how can our faith,our Christian faith
and how do you use in yourtherapeutic practice,
(20:06):
our Christian faithto get your clients
or anyone listening?
How can we how can the faithhelp us see ourselves
and each other differently?
Yeah, well,the first thing I do is
I want them tostart to understand
what is all this noise,this up in their head,
this negative noise.
So thereforewe start to identify,
okay, what are thenegative narratives
(20:27):
that you have with many peoplethat they don't?
I mean, they may sayit to themselves, but they don't
think about iton a regular basis.
But yet they feel it.
So therefore now I'm going tohave them identify.
I can't name the pain.
Okay.
I'm I'm not good enough.
Okay? I'm stupid.
(20:49):
You know,I get go down the list.
There are hundredsof different negative.
And once we have themall established right now
what I'm going to dois I'm going to have them
start to define for me.
Why should I believe that I likewhat they need
to do for themself?
Why should I believe this?
(21:10):
And it has to be somethingthat they can actually prove.
And in many cases,the other thing I asked them
to do also is where did thisnegative narrative come from?
Where did it?
Again, we don't come outof the womb with the
negative narrative that we have.
(21:30):
The where do we get the senseor the feeling that
I'm not good enough?
Oh, well, you know, my fatherused to call it
that way, you know,criticizing me
about this, not about.
Okay. All right.
So that was dad criticism.
You know, you think Iwas objectify?
Well, all the probablysome of it. Okay. Yeah.
(21:52):
Probably go up.
We all can be justifiedin some way, but do you think
you deserved all of thatwhen you got.
No, I didn't, all right.
Do you do nothing.
Well no I cando something with it.
Oh what do you do? Well.
And so therefore we takeand we are again
flipping the script.
We're going awayfrom the what I feel
(22:14):
which are all thenegative narrative.
And we're moving overto what is real,
and we're startingto get them to see them
through from the light of trueunderstanding.
Also, you know, again,what happens.
God see you.
God sees you, you know,at that individual
(22:35):
that he created,who he again accepts and loves
unconditionally.
He knows that we're flawed.
He knows we're broken.
Right?
And all he askedis that we believe
and that we repent when we makeour mistakes.
(22:56):
And with all of that,there's again that lovely
word of grace accepting gracethat if I can accept grace
to understand, you know what?
I don't have to be perfect.
It's okay to be broken.
But I can alsobe on that pathway
(23:17):
of sanctification where I amthriving to become better.
That's it.
I'm get trying to get better.
Be better at a person.
I may follow through.
Okay, I get back up thatmyself up and down the road,
but people feel sometime that they have
(23:39):
to be perfect because you don'twait in very rigid
religious household, you know,with all the rules,
all the regulation.
And it's like, no, see,the thing about Christianity,
it's so wonderfulis that it is so light
that what Jesus said aboutmy yoke is not heavy,
(24:01):
that when people startto understand that,
we are like, wow, you know what?
I have to takeand believe in Christ,
that even my board and my Saviorand I have to accept it.
Great.
Wow, that's so effective.
Way too easy that there's gotto be a hook.
There can be something else.
(24:22):
And it's like motivation.
There's nothing else.
It's so that, you know,the thing that, a lot of people
who are going through addictionrecovery or pornography
addiction recovery,they often talk
about the experience ofand you mention
this briefly, but, you know,they'll get some progress.
They'll feel like they're makingsome headway and they get
(24:43):
a step back.
How do people really workthrough that?
And not just, you know,throw the baby out
with the bathwater, as they say,because oftentimes that can be
really discouragingif you fall and slip
in your journey.
But, you know, like when you'reclimbing a mountain,
if you make a misstep,you don't just go all the way
to the bottomand start over again.
(25:03):
Right?
You just get up where you're atand keep going.
But how does that workin recovery, you know?
And what haveyou encountered with
some of your clients?
What does that look like?
I think the most importantthing, what somebody
have a relapse, is to beable to, one, to
take a step back.
And you're right,it is devastating for them.
(25:23):
Understand that.
But one thingthat we as therapists need to do
is not be beatingsomebody up about like, yep,
we get down like, really?
Don't you going to be good?
No. Okay. Happened.
So what to me it most importantthing is why
you think it happened.
What went well along the wayto get you there.
(25:47):
And we're going to findin both cases, a large majority
of the casesis that that individual
was drained mentally,emotionally, physically
or spiritually.
If one or more of thosefour areas because what
were drainedget why we lose sight
(26:09):
of everything elsethat we're supposed
to be focused on,because we've now become
emotionally regulated?
I've come to believe,and I've been making
a big, strongpush with this over
the last six months.
Emotional regulationin recovery.
(26:31):
Think about it for a moment.
If you'reemotionally regulate it.
What could go wrong despite thecircumstances surrounding you,
the fight or whatever inyour life is going on?
If you're ableto stay emotionally,
regulate it.
(26:52):
Here you you can pretty muchhandle anything.
And so therefore,what you're gonna find
when someone relapse, they havebecome emotionally regulated.
So therefore it now all right.
Let's identifywhat the problem was.
What couldwe have done differently
(27:14):
to prevent itfrom happening. Right.
What if the new planto make sure
that I get put in place?
But most importantly, again,what are you doing
to almost surelyregulate yourself
or keep yourself as emotionallyregulated as possible?
(27:35):
Because let's face it,none of us live in that window
of tolerance 24 sevenbut you know,
if I could be there85% of the time,
and even if what I'mtrying to get out of it,
maybe I keep one foot in thethat center window, right?
Maybe before instead of gettinghyper disregulated,
or hypo disregulated.
(27:56):
If I keep one foot there,I can maybe move myself
back faster.
And in doing that now I'm what?
I'm where what am I?
I'm grounded.
Grounded people don't relapse.
They don't groundedpeople don't relapse
emotionally, regularly.
People don't relapsebecause they are very aware
(28:21):
of their of their surrounding,of their circumstances
and more importantly,they're very aware of
what's going on within themmentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually.
That is so good.
And, you know,in the business world, you know,
one of the big skills that theyreally lean into is emotional
intelligence, right?
(28:41):
And so, so oftenin the business world,
we talk about a magician,emotional intelligence,
and how that's suchan important factor
as you continue to move upin your careers and move on.
So it's a skillthat's appreciated across
many different industries.
And I think thatthat's interesting
because I often think aboutmy own personal experiences
(29:02):
where, you know,I have been dis, you know,
dysregulated emotionallyand responded, you know,
maybe to my spouse or to my kidsand, you know,
and not so gracious way.
And really,if you take a step back
and look at that,there was a trigger,
there was somethingthat, you know,
was off in my life that led meto be emotionally deregulated.
(29:22):
So unpacking that with peoplehas got to be powerful,
because once you can learnto master that and your emotions
are no longermastering you, there's
so much that we can do,we can be more present
for other people,were more aware
of how we're interactingwith the world around us.
It's just sucha powerful principle.
Eddie. Oh my goodness.
What you just talked about.
Karen, it's so truethat there are driving force
(29:47):
and that lead hasto be regulated.
But those don't alwayssometimes happen in a flash.
Sometimes they buildupon themselves.
So therefore you're just slowlymoving toward
going up to be hyperdisregulator or slowly
drop dropping down to be hypodisregulated.
(30:10):
And I what I didwas I actually went and did a
I did some research, and I foundwhat I thought were the most
the 20 probably the mosteasiest simple way
to emotion dayemotionally regulated and I
so I have a list of thoseat what I do with my clients.
(30:30):
I give that to them and I sayI want you three times a day
proactively, three timesa day, morning,
afternoon, evening,picking one of the different,
you know, techniquesand using it to use it
and then regulate itso you can feel and say, oh, oh,
(30:51):
that calm that, thatwhat peace is.
So the reason I have 20because not everybody is going
to be able to implementall of that.
And there are some thattake a little bit
more time than others.
Like for example,immersing your face
in a bowl of ice water.
Okay.
You're not going to be ableto do that in the midst
of a meeting at work, right?
(31:12):
That's not going to work.
Sometimes I'd like to, though.
Yeah, I'm sure you all would,but but but there's a lot
of other things.
Like you don't get it with thispiece of, skin between our thumb
and our index finger,where we can actually
push it a little bit.
It's very, very soft.
So we take your thumbon your other hand
(31:34):
and just rub it in acircular fashion very slowly.
And what it does is it justfeels this calming sense
that you have that, that, that,that other one
that you're there.
So, so there's 20different techniques
that people can use.
I usually tell them pick for itby mix them up
(31:55):
and just make surethat you're doing it every day,
three times a day, so that youare proactively
regulating yourself.
And that again, as I saynow, you know, oh,
if what it feels liketo be regulated, because, again,
people who strugglewith addiction,
(32:17):
we're not very mindfulof how we are doing
mentally, emotionally,spiritually or physically.
We're just running through lifewith our head down.
We need to stop,slow everything down
and be very, very aware of whatif my mind, my body
(32:38):
and my soul killing me?
You mentioned the the mind,the body and the soul
and I just have to ask,do you do you consider or
look at evenwhat people are doing
with their bodies as far as whatthey're eating or how they're,
you know, physically activeor inactive in, in part of your,
therapy process.
Do you have techniques thathelp them look at that?
(33:00):
Because I knowfor me personally, you know,
if I eat a lot of carbsand get that glucose spike,
it really can take me onan emotional rollercoaster.
I have to really regulate myselfwell because I get spikes and I
I'm a little unhingedwhen I have too many carbs.
You know, I mean, it'sand everybody's different, but
is that part of the processis helping people even assess
(33:21):
that part of their body and howit's interacting?
Yeah, it have to be.
It has to be because there aremany different factors
to your point that if you'redehydrated.
Yeah, okay.
Get up.
It's going to be playinghavoc on your body.
There are so many things,if we're not doing
exercising, okay.
If we get sitting aroundall day long,
(33:41):
that could play havoc on ournot just our body, but our mind
and also on our soul.
What would our emotion,you know, to make people and go,
you know, wait too long?
Yeah.
You had put them away and andreally challenged yourself
to find things that areintellectually
(34:02):
stimulating for you.
So yeah, thatdefinitely part of it.
Again, that is the self-carethat anyone dealing
with any typeof addictive behavior
need to be engaged in.
Because as I saidbefore, between between that
type of self-care where weare covering the gamut,
(34:22):
how I can keep and empowerfor positive influence
on how my body, my mindand soul is going plot,
making sureemotionally regulate it.
I get that is recovery.
You know, sometimes it'sso easy to forget
that pain is actually a gift.
(34:44):
It's telling usthat something's wrong.
It's telling usthat there's something we need
to be attentive to.
But it makes also makestotal sense that,
someone who developsa, an addiction or a bad habit,
I mean, that's reallywhat they're trying to,
you know, avoid the whole time.
I want to pivot,just a little bit here.
And, so for our listenerswho are using Covenant Eyes
(35:04):
as part of theiraccountability journey,
how can toolslike internet filtering
and accountability reports,be complimentary
therapeutic approacheslike your Inner Child model?
Well, I think, you know,those tools are like mandatory
for the folks who arebeginning the process
(35:24):
of recovery.
And the reason they're mandatoryis twofold.
One, again, it isthat accountability.
Two, there's alsoa sense of deterrence out there
trying to learn how to managethe compulsive nature
that they have.
But also it's also beneficialfor the betrayed partner
(35:49):
to make them feel more secure.
It can make them feel saferthat they know, okay,
you got somethingon your devices
and you have thisaccountability partner
who checking on this for you.
And I hope that the caseI hope the the trade partner,
the accountability partner,I don't think that's really
(36:10):
a very positive thingfor them to do.
So I, for me,anyone who comes in, you know,
we have company ninethat's going
on their devices. Just.
And do they need tokeep it on forever?
No, both people don't.
Some people do.
Some people keep it on.
They will only keep it on mine.
(36:33):
But we don't always have you.
But we need it therejust to serve as that edge.
Okay?
To be able to,because let’s face it,
what are we doingwhen someone comes
in to therapy?
Discovery is just happen, right?
We we need to provide a lotof education and insight.
(36:54):
Plus this is the real keyis you have to
really emotionallyget regulate it people
at the moment.
Right.
We we are asking you know,the person who had betrayed to,
you know, hey, I need you tostay regulated.
(37:17):
I need you to be calm.
I need you to focuson your recovery.
I need you to be engagingwith your partner.
And I need you not to walk awayfrom all this
emotional distress,to go to you.
Something that you to you did tocomfort yourself before.
So we've taken awaythe number one
comforting tool we have.
(37:38):
We throw them into this hot potof boiling water.
I said, hey, let's do that.
That's why we need somethinglike Covenant Eyes
there for them.
So therefore, because if not,if you're not for that,
these folks are goingto be...gotta run, gotta run.
Well guess what?
(37:58):
This is one placeyou can't run to because if you
want theresomebody can find out.
Somebody can realize it.
So again, it justgives them an edge
while they're tryingto learn the skills
that they need and also tobe able to uncover
what are the reason whyI'm turning
to addictive behaviors.
(38:21):
That's so important.
And I love how you frame itto that.
It's kind of the guardrailsthat we need during that,
that period of time.
So I think that'sthat's so beneficial.
Well, as webring today's episode
to a close, Eddie,I would love for you
to leave our listenerswith a message of hope
or some encouragementand also point them
to where they can learnmore about you and your book
(38:44):
and any of the resourcesthat you have available.
Yeah.
Well, I thinkfrom a standpoint of, hope
to it.
And I know what a struggleit is for many people,
especially those who wereat the very
beginning of recovery,and especially
to be trade partnerswho feel like, you know, it's,
(39:06):
it's ever going to get better.
Is this ever going to you?
Well, I ever be ableto trust again
and the answer is.
Yes.
Yes you will if everyone doeswhat they need to do
and recovery and healingin that process,
I guess it is time consuming.
(39:27):
It is difficult.
I go for the betrayed partner.
It's like, why do I needto do something?
I did nothing wrong.
No, you're right,you did nothing wrong.
The briefingyou're doing get it?
Because somebody hurt you.
Okay?
If you're in a car accident,somebody hit you
and you got hurt.
Look, like.
Much like we're going to say,well, you don't go to a heart,
(39:48):
but we don't need to gobecause you didn't.
You weren'tgoing to call to action.
No, you're you have pain.
And so therefore we need youbecause you
need to learn how to youemotionally regulate also
along the waybecause that is just
going to ultimately help you,benefit you.
(40:08):
Stay the coursethat’s what I ask.
Stay the course.
It’s going to be a rocky roadthat you all dealt.
You've been through itfor a while,
but also after yourself.
This question, especially forthose of you
who've been doing thisfor two plus years, three year
and four years,and the work being done,
(40:30):
what are we tryingto accomplish?
What what are we trying toultimately accomplish?
And what we're tryingto ultimately accomplish
is to help people being ableto come back together,
actually develop a relationshipunlike anything
you've had before.
Don't lose sight of that goal.
(40:50):
Many people do, because theyget so caught up
in their resentmentand their anger
and their sadnessand more importantly, and their.
Fear will cripple you.
Please don't let fear quickly.
And if you want to learnmore about the Inner
Child model, you want to learnmore about Eddie Capparucci,
(41:11):
all my books there,I think there's six of them now
are available at Amazon,exclusively on Amazon.
If you go towww.innerchild-sexaddiction.com
innerchild-sex addiction.com.
You can find outmore about the Inner Child model
and what that entails also.
(41:32):
Oh and by the way,if anybody wants a copy
of those 20 techniques, I'd loveto give that to them.
And you could do thatby sending me an email at
InnerChildModel@gmail.com.
Again,InnerChildModel@gmail.com.
And I will send thatI've given out, I think over
750 in the last monthand a half, so I'd love to
(41:54):
have a copy of it.
That is incredible, and wewill be sure
to put all the linksin the show notes,
and we'll includethat email address.
So if you want to getyour own copy of the Inner
Child, documentthat you mentioned,
I think that would bea great tool
to have in your toolbox.
So definitelycheck out the show notes
and you'll findall the links there.
(42:15):
Listeners,I just want to thank you
for tuning in.
I know that you learned so muchbecause I did and it was a
great conversation.
Eddie, we are so gratefulfor your time
and you're just so wiseand have so much knowledge.
We're so grateful.
Theo, it is alwaysa pleasure to have you.
Thank you for your thoughtfulquestions and listeners.
Thank you for tuning in.
(42:35):
We'll see you next timeon the Covenant Eyes
podcast. Take care.
God bless.
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