96. Why You Keep Choosing the Cage (Even When the Door is Open)

Have you ever noticed yourself panicking when your calendar suddenly has white space? That anxious feeling when you have freedom might be a sign you're building your own prison cell.

This episode dives deep into why we recreate systems of control even when no one is asking us to. I'm building on my popular "Freedom Audit" episode (Episode 81!) to explore why, even when the door stands wide open, we consistently choose to remain in cages of our own design. The patterns keeping us trapped are sneaky - they're often rewarded in society and deeply rooted in identities we think we need to be seen, safe, and worthy.

Freedom requires surrender, and surrender requires vulnerability. For those who've survived by controlling everything, that vulnerability feels threatening—almost like death. We cling to our to-do lists like life rafts while simultaneously resenting how full they are. Our addiction to being seen as capable, competent, and needed creates a powerful neurological reward every time we power through tasks.

Breaking free requires interrogating your loyalty to old identities: What part of you is afraid to be seen as unproductive or (gasp) average? Then practice leaving things undone on purpose - not because you forgot, but as an intentional choice. This teaches your nervous system that nothing implodes when you're not over-functioning. Start celebrating restraint and discernment rather than only celebrating output and achievement.

You didn't work this hard to recreate the same pressure in a different form. The door to your cage is open - you just need to stop locking it from the inside. Take a moment this week to consider what you can subtract rather than add. What can you intentionally leave undone? This small rebellion against your old identities might be the key to creating the freedom you've always wanted.

Thanks for listening!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of the
Create your Day podcast.
My name is Jen Cody.
I am your host.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
If it's your first time here,welcome to the podcast.
If it is not your first timehere, welcome back.

(00:46):
Out of every episode I've evercreated, and that is episode 81,
I believe it's called theFreedom Audit and it really hit
a nerve.
So I want to build on that alittle bit.
And this episode is not aboutawareness, it's about ownership.
It is about our subconsciousways that we recreate systems of
control even when no one isasking us to.

(01:07):
So welcome to this week'sepisode.
Take a few minutes, grabyourself a nice cold drink and
just sit back, relax, throwthose AirPods in and let's spend
some time together.
Because this episode, theFreedom Audit, had a lot of you
messaging me and there was arecurring theme that has gone on

(01:29):
since that episode hit, whichis quite a while ago, back, I
want to say, around the holidaysor maybe even before that in
2024.
But a lot of you.
The resounding message that Iseemed to hear was basically
holy shit, am I building my ownprison cell?
And you know what Most of usare.
So the answer is yes, but beingaware of that is not enough.

(01:52):
So what I want to do this weekis really talk about why, even
when the door is wide open, whydo we consistently choose to
stay in the cages that we build?
And I'm going to give you somefair warning.
This episode may sting a littlebit, and sometimes those are
the cages that we build.
And I'm going to give you somefair warning.
This episode may sting a littlebit, and sometimes those are
the ones that we need to listento the most clearly, right?

(02:13):
So if you're multitasking rightnow, I'm going to ask you to
come back to me.
Can you spend the next 15minutes really focused on just
what we're talking about?
Because the patterns that we'regoing to unravel today they're
sneaky, they're actuallyrewarded in society and they are
deeply rooted in identitiesthat we think we need in order

(02:36):
for us to be seen, in order forus to be safe, in order for us
to be worthy.
So let's talk about the freedomfantasy.
We all have it.
Every single one of you outthere knows exactly what I'm
talking about.
We have this fantasy of freedomwhere our calendar belongs to
us.
Not only does it belong to us,it's clear, right, the mornings

(02:57):
are slow, we're working less,we're earning more at the same
time and we're just kind ofsipping our lattes and in our
leisure wear and what is it atleisure?
So in real life, that's notwhat actually happens, because
I'm willing to bet that inreality, when there is open

(03:17):
space, you panic a little bit,you micromanage those outcomes.
I had a coaching call thismorning and the person was
talking about an employee oftheirs that's going on a very
well-deserved vacation next weekand they said she's in a little
bit of a panic mode, like shedoesn't even know what to do
when she's not working.
And that's what many of us do.

(03:38):
We cling to our to-do listslike they're life rafts and then
we resent everyone else for howfull those to-do lists actually
are.
Why do we do that?
Why is it that we are holdingon to that resentment?
We are panicking when we havewhite space in our calendar.
And how do those two things livein the same time, right?

(04:02):
How do they actually coexist?
And the reason is becausefreedom requires surrender and
surrender requires vulnerability, and that feels like death to
someone who has survived bycontrolling everything around
them.
We are so afraid to let go ofwhat we think is holding us up,

(04:26):
that it feels like we're justgoing to die if we let go of it,
right, we're just going to.
There will be nothing, nostructure around us to actually
hold on to if we surrender andget vulnerable and lean into
that freedom.
But I am here to tell you today,my friends, control is not what
makes you safe.
Control is an illusion.

(04:47):
It makes you feel safe but itkeeps you super small.
It keeps you playing small.
It keeps you from growing as aperson.
It keeps you from growing inyour professional life, in your
family.
It just keeps you stagnant.
So, even when you technicallyhave freedom, subconsciously

(05:07):
you're filling that space withobligations, with urgency, with
these expectations that are allself-imposed.
And the reason for that isbecause you do not know who you
are.
Without the struggle and that'shard for some of us to hear
right we become so ingrained,our identity becomes so wrapped

(05:29):
up in what we're going throughand what we're dealing with that
we don't know who we arewithout it.
And I'm going to call it, like Isee it, this is an addiction.
It is a performative addiction,but it's an addiction to be
capable, it's an addiction tocapability.
We want to be seen as capable.

(05:49):
We've built this identityaround being the one who can
handle it.
I want to be the fixer, I wantto be the closer, I want to be
the competent one.
I want to be the one thatpeople come to when they need
something.
I'm going to say that I don't,I'm going to say I've had enough
, it's too much.
It's too much.
But inside, deep inside, you dowant that.

(06:10):
You want people to see you asthe fixer, the closer, as being
competent.
Your nervous system isliterally giving you a high five
every single time you powerthrough right.
You know the feeling I'mtalking about.
When you end your day and youhave been able to keep that
machine running, you areabsolutely mentally high-fiving

(06:30):
yourself, even if outwardly, youare resentful.
So capability is not the samething as capacity and competence
is not a personality trait.
It's like a mask that you'rewearing.
So one of the things that isabsolute truth but no one really
talks about is that we might befocusing on over-functioning,

(06:55):
because you're actuallyterrified as being perceived as
any of the following lazy, messy, ordinary, right, generic.
We don't want to be seen asthat.
We don't really want to be seenas human.
We want to be seen as special.
We want to be seen as well.
We want to be wanted.
First of all, we want to beneeded.

(07:17):
It makes us feel good on acellular level to be needed, to
be wanted.
Because what happens if we stopthat?
And we're afraid that if westop outperforming, if we're not
consistently trying to bebetter, then we're going to lose
that position.
We're going to let someone elsebe seen as capable, someone

(07:40):
else be seen as the competentone that people should go to,
and then where does that leaveus?
Where does that leave you?
Who are you if you're notimpressive?
Who are you if you're not doingfor everyone else?
And this is this trap.
It's like a competence trap.

(08:00):
It keeps you chasing thatexternal validation, even after
you've quote unquote made itLike you are competent.
People love you, they need you,they want you, they want to be
around you, and you have proventime and time again that you are
capable of doing all the things.
So this is why your version ofrest you know who I'm talking to

(08:23):
right now, so listen up who outthere.
You know who I'm talking toright now, so listen up.
Who out there?
Your version of rest is stillsecretly, a little bit
productive.
You know it.
Raise your hand.
I know you know it.
It's why you don't feel freeever, even when, technically,
you are free.
You do not have to stay in thecage.
So what do you do?

(08:43):
Right?
You don't need another freakingtime audit.
You don't need to just leaninto it.
You don't need to switch yourmindset and light a candle and
yada, yada, yada.
You need to do the following.
This is tough, right?
We're going to go to some deep,dark places today.
This is what I want you to doInterrogate your loyalty to your

(09:07):
old identities.
Does that sound a little harsh?
It's true, and it's necessary.
Interrogate your loyalty toyour old identities.
What part of you is afraid tobe seen as unproductive?
What part of you is afraidpeople may think you're selfish
or God forbid average?

(09:28):
Who are you trying to impress?
Do those people even knowyou're alive?
If this is a social media thing, right?
Who are you trying to impress?
People on the interwebs who donot even know who you are?
Let's get a grip and interrogateour loyalty to our old
identities, and then I want youto practice leaving things

(09:51):
undone on purpose.
I see you're twitching.
I could tell you're twitchingalready.
Yes, it's supposed to make youtwitch.
That is the point.
Don't finish tonight.
Whatever it is that you wereplanning to finish tonight, let
the text go unanswered.
I want you to show yourself,teach your nervous system that

(10:14):
nothing is going to implode whenyou're not over-functioning.
How amazing is that going to beto find out when you go to
sleep tonight and you will go tosleep, I promise you may lay
there a little longer thannormal because you're going to
be twitchy that you're notfinished.
You didn't finish.
You didn't wrap the day up in abow, but and that's done on

(10:40):
purpose it's different when it'sdone on purpose.
Practice that.
Can you switch your mindsetthat when you're leaving
something undone on purpose,that's the same thing as it
being done?
Does that make sense to you?
I know it's not exactly thesame thing as being done, but
leaving something undone onpurpose, fulfilling that promise

(11:04):
to yourself and going to sleepat the end of the day is doing
what you set out to do, becausewhat you set out to do was to
leave something undone.
I know I'm talking in a littlebit of a riddle.
Hopefully it's making sense.
This is to teach your nervoussystem that you are going to be
okay.
You are going to wake uptomorrow and it's still going to

(11:26):
be the next day.
You're still going to have yourto-do list, you're still going
to have a calendar, you're stillgoing to have meetings to go to
and places to rush to and allof the things You're still going
to do.
That Nothing happened, nothingimploded.
Teach yourself that and this isthe only way to teach yourself
that and you know, this is whygoing to go off on a tangent

(11:50):
like I usually do this is whypeople who have really been
through it, people who havereally hit some rock bottom
moments this is why they're ableto kind of float through right
they start to become have youheard the expression like things
rolling off a duck's back.
I guarantee you some of thepeople you know that you feel

(12:11):
that way about, like, oh my God,they just let everything roll
off their back.
They're practiced in knowingthat it didn't kill them for
something to roll off their back.
They had no choice at somepoint but to let something roll
off their back.
Show me someone that's notstressed over a bill that's a
few days late and I'll show yousomeone that has had to go

(12:33):
months without paying a billbecause they didn't have the
money.
So a few days doesn't stressthem out the way it does to
someone who has never had to dothat.
Now I'm not telling you to notpay your bills.
I'm just saying that it is thepractice of being able to leave
things undone that teaches yournervous system that it's okay to
do that and that's a greatthing to teach your nervous

(12:55):
system.
That whole practice helps youto rewrite your reward system.
So we spend a lot of timecelebrating our achievements,
celebrating our output.
It's all based on results.
That's what we celebrate.
Did I finish this?
Yes.
Did I check this box?
Yes.
Did I have this conversation?

(13:16):
Yes, and that's what wecelebrate.
What if you rewrite that systemand you start to celebrate
restraint?
You start to celebrate sayingno, you celebrate discernment
and maybe even celebrate alittle bit showing up half-assed
when that's all you have togive that day.
Celebrate those moments andteach yourself that they are

(13:40):
just as important to those endresults as the active moments,
because perfection is its owncage.
We all have spent time in ourlives building cages, building
cages, and we live there.
We're so comfortable there.
Me too, I have been comfortablethere.
But this cage, the door is open.

(14:03):
I promise you, the door is open.
It's not about becoming lessambitious, because you know, I'm
all about you achieving whatyou want to achieve.
This is how you get there inone piece.
This is how you get to beambitious without being
imprisoned by it, because isn'tthat what it's about?

(14:23):
Isn't that what we want to do?
So this is what I want you tosit with today.
And if you got this far amazing, if you've started to wander
off and you're doing somethingelse, come back to me right now.
Here's what I want you to sitwith today.
And if you got this far,amazing, if you've started to
wander off and you're doingsomething else, come back to me
right now.
Here's what I want you to sitwith today.
You did not work this hard torecreate the same pressure for

(14:44):
yourself.
You did not work this hard tojust create a different cage
with different furniture in it.
Right, you worked hard for yourfreedom.
You say you want freedom, butuntil you stop equating worth
with performance, your life isalways going to feel like a
series of things that you haveto do, even when you chose to do

(15:06):
them.
It always will feel like aseries of things you have to do
so for this week.
Can you start by not adding more?
Take a pause, take a moment.
What can you subtract?
What can you let be undone?
When you look at your list ofthings to accomplish this week,
are there one or two things thatyou can say?

(15:29):
You know what?
I don't care if these don't getdone this week.
Not as a strategy, but howabout a little rebellion?
Rebel against those oldidentities.
Remember step one interrogateyour commitment to those
identities.
Rebel against them.
This is something that is goingto change the way you operate

(15:53):
in your day-to-day life.
That door is open.
What you need to do is stoplocking it from the inside.
And that's what's happening.
All of this pressure thatyou're putting on yourself.
It's all locking that door fromthe inside.
So thank you so much for beinghere with me today.
I hope this was helpfulinformation for you.

(16:15):
If you haven't already listenedto episode 81, the Freedom Audit
, go back and listen to that,where we talk all about whether
or not you're building a life orbuilding a prison, and then
come back and listen to thisepisode with a fresh set of ears
and a fresh set of eyes andthink about how you can really
challenge those old beliefs,challenge those old behaviors,

(16:36):
interrogate those old identities.
Why are we so committed to them?
What does it look like if welet them go and try on a new
identity?
I'm telling you, it is going tochange the way you operate on a
day-to-day basis, and thatmakes me excited for you because
, guess what?
This is how you go out andcreate your day, create your
life in the best way possible,learning to have discernment and

(17:03):
celebrate that discernment.
Celebrate the pauses, celebrateall of the downtime.
And when you see white space onyour calendar, don't freak out.
It's okay.
Grab a book that you want toread, put a podcast on, like
this one.
That's what that white space isfor.
So, thanks for being here.
I would love it if you wouldtake a moment to leave a review,

(17:24):
leave a rating for the podcast.
It's how we reach more people.
The more people we reach, themore people we can help.
Go out there, create your dayin the best way possible.
And until next time, take careof yourself, take care of each
other, and I will see you nextweek.
Take care.