May 10, 2023 • 16 mins
Join me this week as I (vulnerably!) share parts of an audio diary I kept while I was on a process painting retreat at Esalen in Big Sur, California.
In today’s episode, I share:
- What I was thinking about on the first day of the retreat
- Realizations around achievement, performance, and attachment to certain results in creative work
- Creating for expression (rather than for results/to create something that will be shared)
- My personal background with painting, when and why I stopped, and how to create without a pre-made plan to be executed
- How all of this relates to my twelve years making + selling creative work
Show Notes
If you want to feel intuitive in your creative practice, AND tap into your one-in-eight-billion perspective and contribution, head to www.jenmoulton.com/newsletter and get my Intuitive Creation Audio Ritual. You’ll receive my unique process to reliably tap in BEFORE you make any creative work so you can overcome procrastination, overwhelm, and where-do-i-start-itis.
Get the transcript and full show notes HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Scarlett 2i2 USB (00:24):
Welcome to today's episode, Esalen Diary:
Process Painting WorkshopTakeaway#1, a nice long title.
When I was at the workshop Iwent to a few weeks ago in Big
Sur, on the way there I had theidea to record a daily audio/
(00:46):
video diary.
I really wanted to capture whatI was thinking about, what I was
learning day to day, not justlike the top takeaway, but what
I was actually thinking aboutand the process that I was going
through each day.
I think I had a sense that itwas gonna be pretty
transformative for me, and itwas.
And I was thinking about how Iwanted to share this.
(01:09):
I was like, okay, I'm gonna dolike a top five takeaways and I
was going to comb througheverything I'd recorded and try
to reduce it down to takeawaysthat I could share with you.
And then I was re-listening.
I decided, you know what, I'mgonna share parts of the audios
with you.
It's really vulnerable for me toshare these because I was
(01:30):
literally just talking out loudto myself.
I am not a huge verbalprocessor, but I was just
talking it out with myself and Ithought, I wanna share this in
its raw form, as vulnerable asit is for me, because number
one, I think it's a commonexperience.
I think a lot of what I wasthinking about in processing is
(01:51):
really common.
And number two, a few years ago,I would've just loved to hear
from someone when they were init, and when they felt like they
were going through a change or aprocess or a cocoon phase or
some people say a dark night ofthe soul.
I do feel like I'm in that rightnow.
(02:11):
I feel like a lot of stuff isgoing on kind of underneath the
surface.
I'm not exactly sure where it'sleading me yet, which is very
interesting to be living thatmoment to moment, and to just
not know, but to be with it.
And at this point I've learnedto really trust it.
So I'm sharing part one with youthis week, and I think next week
(02:34):
will be part two.
I think it's just gonna be twoparts, but we'll see where it
ends up.
In today's episode, I talk aboutwhat I was thinking about on the
first day.
I talk about realizations I hadaround achievement, and
performance, and being reallyattached in my creative work to
results and something that couldbe sold and was for commerce
(02:57):
rather than creating forexpression purposes, which is
really what the workshop wasabout for me.
This workshop was so much morethan I thought it was gonna be,
and in the absolute best waypossible.
I'll share it here so that youhave it, I'll also put in the
show notes.
The website for this workshop isprocessarts.ccom.
(03:21):
The teacher's name is StewartCubley, and it's called Process
Painting.
It's really about teaching ushow to come back to the process,
the expression, staying withourselves moment to moment, and
expressing from there, ratherthan being attached to creating
a result and wanting somethingyou can share with people or
(03:43):
show off or even sell.
I've thought a lot about howdoes this work with people who
do creative work for a living,and this is where I am right now
with it (03:53):
I think it's a totally separate practice and process.
And I actually think it can bereally cool: what I experienced
is it can actually inform thethings that you make to offer
for sale.
Um, that's probably a differentdiscussion, but just want to
plant that seed if you'restarting to wonder about that,
because I definitely was.
I'm a huge fan of this work.
(04:15):
I can't speak highly enoughabout it.
It's a gentle, nurturing,encouraging container to work in
and they offer a lot of stuffonline, so doing it in person
would be awesome.
If you're ever able to, I wouldbe emphatic in it's worth doing
(04:35):
it, but there's a lot availableonline too.
They make it really accessibleand supportive.
So if this is interesting toyou, definitely check it out.
If you have any questions, letme know.
I am really happy to share myexperience with you and let's
get into it.
Here is the recording that Imade on my first day at Esalen
(04:55):
as I was processing all of thethings I was learning and
thinking about.
So I'm thinking about how Iloved to paint when I was
younger and I loved to, to draw.
And something that occurred tome on the plane yesterday was,
it really struck me.
So this workshop is all aboutprocess.
(05:18):
It's not about the product.
It's not about the end result.
It's not about creating a superrealism or technically good
painting.
It's about the process whileyou're painting, which I mean, I
(05:39):
just feel like this is soapropos for me right now in this
moment, and all of the thingsI've been thinking about and all
of the work I've been doing evenover the past few years and just
being here and being immersed inthis very different situation
is, I don't know.
(05:59):
I'm kind of like, I can'timagine going back like even to
performance, to product.
I'm thinking about work, and I'malso thinking less about work
than ever.
And I think part of it is thelifestyle here is simple and so
(06:23):
much of Western culture is aboutachievement and wealth and
competition, I think ultimately.
Like you wanna do better thanthe people around you, or at
least be doing as good as themso that you can afford all of
the same things.
And I'm looking at the peoplethat live on this property and
help take care of this place sothat people can come and have
(06:46):
these experiences and, and I'mlike, they seem quite happy.
I know that they're working andlife isn't perfect and all of
these things, but they choose tobe here on this land, that is
truly a priceless land.
I mean, it's just absolutelystunning here, and I don't know,
(07:08):
there's something that's alwaysbeen compelling about that to
me, probably because of someother things I'm thinking about,
but...
yeah, it's like I don't think Irealized until stepping back and
coming here and you're immersedin a very different type of
place, or I am right now.
(07:30):
Even though I think that I'mvery intentional with how I
spend my time and what I amworking on creating and what I
wanna see more of in the world,like the vote that I'm putting
out into the world, it's makingme realize how all of that has
(07:50):
still been constrained within acertain system that I could not
see.
So this is getting a littleheady, but I'm just thinking
about how, I don't know it stillseems restrained to me.
It still seems constrained maybeis the right word.
And how, like that metaphor of afrog boiling in water, like they
(08:11):
don't realize it's happeningbecause you start'em at room
temperature.
It's a terrible analogy, but youdon't realize the limitations
that you're living within untilyou have the ability to step
outside of them and be like,whoa, look at how different all
of these people are living, orwhatever.
It's not even the people here.
(08:31):
It's so many things and I didn'teven realize the ways in which I
was still participating insomething that I thought I was
more removed from.
So that's very top of mind forme right now.
And I think it's related to thebigger point of the workshop
(08:54):
that I'm taking, which is allabout process and all about,
it's like so hard to put intolanguage, but all about staying
with yourself moment to moment,paying attention to the tiniest
things that are calling to you,like which paint color, which
paintbrush, having no idea whatyou're gonna put on paper and
(09:15):
make.
And I keep looking around theroom.
I think there's 30 people in theworkshop and I'm so touched,
like it's even making meemotional right now by the
bravery of really opting out ofthe ways in which we have been
conditioned to participate, tomake creative work.
(09:38):
And bravely staying in theunknown, which is a lot of the
therapy work I've done over thepast several years.
It's so interesting to me howall of my kind of interests are
coming together in one finepoint, which is opting out of
the conditioning that I'veundergone specifically.
(10:00):
I can only speak to myself andI'm not gonna keep making this
super broad about achievement,about what I should want, about,
you know, going through themotions to create the American
dream, blah, blah, blah.
And if I don't continue tochoose that in, this is a moment
(10:23):
to moment decision because it'sso ingrained, then I can't
pre-plan what I would do in eachmoment and I think so many of us
rely on pre-planned execution.
Like we just know what we'regonna do from X to Y to Z, and
then when you take that away,it's terrifying.
But it's also thrilling because,ugh, gosh, this is, I think
(10:48):
what's really hitting me.
I started working on my secondpainting this morning and they,
they're not technically good.
I have not painted since I was ateenager because I became so
strict with myself.
Okay.
I've painted a couple times.
I haven't like done it reliablyor consistently since I was a
teenager because I became sostrict with myself about how
(11:11):
things needed to look and thereneeded to be a lot of realism
and they needed to betechnically good.
I think I'm a pretty creativeperson.
I think a lot of people look atme and think, oh, she's so
creative.
She's done creative work for 12years, blah, blah, blah.
And this is so tragic to admitto me, but for me to admit, I
(11:32):
mean, but I feel so much of mywork when I look at it, I'm
disconnected from.
Because I didn't make it from aplace of this moment to moment
attunement, I made it from, Iwant this to look a certain way.
I want for pottery, I want it tobe really lightweight For
(11:53):
jewelry, I wanted it to bereally technically perfect, and
I limited the forms that I madebecause I emphasized the
technical work over theexpression.
I look at so much stuff I made,and this is not everything, but
a lot of the pieces that I'vemade and I, I feel nothing when
(12:16):
I look at them, I don't feelbecause they're still flawed.
And so that's what I focus on iseven though I sacrificed my
connection to these pieces, mymoment to moment attunement to
make, to try to make themperfect, they're still not
perfect.
And that's what I see.
And that to me is tragedy.
(12:39):
It's tragic.
And I don't think I'm alone inthis.
I don't know if it's like agenerational thing, like people
around my age and in mygeneration, you know, we just
had so much opportunity, butalso a lot of responsibility put
on us by our parents, ourgrandparents, whatever people in
our lives.
(13:00):
And I think of the generationunderneath me, I guess they
would be Gen Z, I think is whatthey're called.
And they're like bucking all ofthat.
And I'm like, good for them.
I think there's, you know,there's some stuff there, but
they're not buying into the likeperfect American dream bullshit
(13:21):
that a lot of us were raisedunder.
Anyway, that's a little bit of atangent, but so, I started my
second painting this morning andyesterday was really hard.
We had a session last night fromeight to 10:00 PM which for me
is 10:00 PM to 12:00 AM.
And I was just exhausted after areally long travel day.
And so it was really challengingto feel connected to myself and
(13:47):
also to actually paint because Ithink I was tired.
And so therefore, of course,this like very critical inner
voice was really loud, like justmonotonous, you know, and just
like, like terrorizing mebasically.
But I did it and you know, itwas very interesting last night
(14:08):
to watch as I painted.
I think I painted for around anhour, maybe an hour and 15
minutes before I just got waytoo tired and ended up leaving
early to go to bed.
But watching my attachment whenI thought something was going
well, watching my disgust when Iput something on there that I
didn't like, and then thinking,did I really feel connected in
that moment when I did that?
(14:28):
Or did I start thinking too hardabout what needs to go here to
balance this piece, and whatcolor might be here to like make
sense with all the other colors?
And just getting really, leaningback into the the technical
aspect.
It was just so fascinating towatch.
Scarlett 2i2 USB (14:45):
Okay, that's what I have for you today.
I hope you enjoyed tuning intomy thoughts, listening to this
audio diary, and all of thethings I was thinking about and
processing, and to be honest,still am.
Stay tuned, Next week I'm goingto share part two of this, so
you'll get to hear it kind ofcome full circle and hear the
(15:07):
completion of this audio diary.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you have any questions, letme know.
I am so glad that you were here,and then we get to walk our
paths together.
See you next time.
Same time, same place.
Bye for now.
Welcome to today's episode, Esalen Diary:
Process Painting WorkshopTakeaway#1, a nice long title.
When I was at the workshop Iwent to a few weeks ago in Big
Sur, on the way there I had theidea to record a daily audio/
(00:46):
video diary.
I really wanted to capture whatI was thinking about, what I was
learning day to day, not justlike the top takeaway, but what
I was actually thinking aboutand the process that I was going
through each day.
I think I had a sense that itwas gonna be pretty
transformative for me, and itwas.
And I was thinking about how Iwanted to share this.
(01:09):
I was like, okay, I'm gonna dolike a top five takeaways and I
was going to comb througheverything I'd recorded and try
to reduce it down to takeawaysthat I could share with you.
And then I was re-listening.
I decided, you know what, I'mgonna share parts of the audios
with you.
It's really vulnerable for me toshare these because I was
(01:30):
literally just talking out loudto myself.
I am not a huge verbalprocessor, but I was just
talking it out with myself and Ithought, I wanna share this in
its raw form, as vulnerable asit is for me, because number
one, I think it's a commonexperience.
I think a lot of what I wasthinking about in processing is
(01:51):
really common.
And number two, a few years ago,I would've just loved to hear
from someone when they were init, and when they felt like they
were going through a change or aprocess or a cocoon phase or
some people say a dark night ofthe soul.
I do feel like I'm in that rightnow.
(02:11):
I feel like a lot of stuff isgoing on kind of underneath the
surface.
I'm not exactly sure where it'sleading me yet, which is very
interesting to be living thatmoment to moment, and to just
not know, but to be with it.
And at this point I've learnedto really trust it.
So I'm sharing part one with youthis week, and I think next week
(02:34):
will be part two.
I think it's just gonna be twoparts, but we'll see where it
ends up.
In today's episode, I talk aboutwhat I was thinking about on the
first day.
I talk about realizations I hadaround achievement, and
performance, and being reallyattached in my creative work to
results and something that couldbe sold and was for commerce
(02:57):
rather than creating forexpression purposes, which is
really what the workshop wasabout for me.
This workshop was so much morethan I thought it was gonna be,
and in the absolute best waypossible.
I'll share it here so that youhave it, I'll also put in the
show notes.
The website for this workshop isprocessarts.ccom.
(03:21):
The teacher's name is StewartCubley, and it's called Process
Painting.
It's really about teaching ushow to come back to the process,
the expression, staying withourselves moment to moment, and
expressing from there, ratherthan being attached to creating
a result and wanting somethingyou can share with people or
(03:43):
show off or even sell.
I've thought a lot about howdoes this work with people who
do creative work for a living,and this is where I am right now
with it (03:53):
I think it's a totally separate practice and process.
And I actually think it can bereally cool: what I experienced
is it can actually inform thethings that you make to offer
for sale.
Um, that's probably a differentdiscussion, but just want to
plant that seed if you'restarting to wonder about that,
because I definitely was.
I'm a huge fan of this work.
(04:15):
I can't speak highly enoughabout it.
It's a gentle, nurturing,encouraging container to work in
and they offer a lot of stuffonline, so doing it in person
would be awesome.
If you're ever able to, I wouldbe emphatic in it's worth doing
(04:35):
it, but there's a lot availableonline too.
They make it really accessibleand supportive.
So if this is interesting toyou, definitely check it out.
If you have any questions, letme know.
I am really happy to share myexperience with you and let's
get into it.
Here is the recording that Imade on my first day at Esalen
(04:55):
as I was processing all of thethings I was learning and
thinking about.
So I'm thinking about how Iloved to paint when I was
younger and I loved to, to draw.
And something that occurred tome on the plane yesterday was,
it really struck me.
So this workshop is all aboutprocess.
(05:18):
It's not about the product.
It's not about the end result.
It's not about creating a superrealism or technically good
painting.
It's about the process whileyou're painting, which I mean, I
(05:39):
just feel like this is soapropos for me right now in this
moment, and all of the thingsI've been thinking about and all
of the work I've been doing evenover the past few years and just
being here and being immersed inthis very different situation
is, I don't know.
(05:59):
I'm kind of like, I can'timagine going back like even to
performance, to product.
I'm thinking about work, and I'malso thinking less about work
than ever.
And I think part of it is thelifestyle here is simple and so
(06:23):
much of Western culture is aboutachievement and wealth and
competition, I think ultimately.
Like you wanna do better thanthe people around you, or at
least be doing as good as themso that you can afford all of
the same things.
And I'm looking at the peoplethat live on this property and
help take care of this place sothat people can come and have
(06:46):
these experiences and, and I'mlike, they seem quite happy.
I know that they're working andlife isn't perfect and all of
these things, but they choose tobe here on this land, that is
truly a priceless land.
I mean, it's just absolutelystunning here, and I don't know,
(07:08):
there's something that's alwaysbeen compelling about that to
me, probably because of someother things I'm thinking about,
but...
yeah, it's like I don't think Irealized until stepping back and
coming here and you're immersedin a very different type of
place, or I am right now.
(07:30):
Even though I think that I'mvery intentional with how I
spend my time and what I amworking on creating and what I
wanna see more of in the world,like the vote that I'm putting
out into the world, it's makingme realize how all of that has
(07:50):
still been constrained within acertain system that I could not
see.
So this is getting a littleheady, but I'm just thinking
about how, I don't know it stillseems restrained to me.
It still seems constrained maybeis the right word.
And how, like that metaphor of afrog boiling in water, like they
(08:11):
don't realize it's happeningbecause you start'em at room
temperature.
It's a terrible analogy, but youdon't realize the limitations
that you're living within untilyou have the ability to step
outside of them and be like,whoa, look at how different all
of these people are living, orwhatever.
It's not even the people here.
(08:31):
It's so many things and I didn'teven realize the ways in which I
was still participating insomething that I thought I was
more removed from.
So that's very top of mind forme right now.
And I think it's related to thebigger point of the workshop
(08:54):
that I'm taking, which is allabout process and all about,
it's like so hard to put intolanguage, but all about staying
with yourself moment to moment,paying attention to the tiniest
things that are calling to you,like which paint color, which
paintbrush, having no idea whatyou're gonna put on paper and
(09:15):
make.
And I keep looking around theroom.
I think there's 30 people in theworkshop and I'm so touched,
like it's even making meemotional right now by the
bravery of really opting out ofthe ways in which we have been
conditioned to participate, tomake creative work.
(09:38):
And bravely staying in theunknown, which is a lot of the
therapy work I've done over thepast several years.
It's so interesting to me howall of my kind of interests are
coming together in one finepoint, which is opting out of
the conditioning that I'veundergone specifically.
(10:00):
I can only speak to myself andI'm not gonna keep making this
super broad about achievement,about what I should want, about,
you know, going through themotions to create the American
dream, blah, blah, blah.
And if I don't continue tochoose that in, this is a moment
(10:23):
to moment decision because it'sso ingrained, then I can't
pre-plan what I would do in eachmoment and I think so many of us
rely on pre-planned execution.
Like we just know what we'regonna do from X to Y to Z, and
then when you take that away,it's terrifying.
But it's also thrilling because,ugh, gosh, this is, I think
(10:48):
what's really hitting me.
I started working on my secondpainting this morning and they,
they're not technically good.
I have not painted since I was ateenager because I became so
strict with myself.
Okay.
I've painted a couple times.
I haven't like done it reliablyor consistently since I was a
teenager because I became sostrict with myself about how
(11:11):
things needed to look and thereneeded to be a lot of realism
and they needed to betechnically good.
I think I'm a pretty creativeperson.
I think a lot of people look atme and think, oh, she's so
creative.
She's done creative work for 12years, blah, blah, blah.
And this is so tragic to admitto me, but for me to admit, I
(11:32):
mean, but I feel so much of mywork when I look at it, I'm
disconnected from.
Because I didn't make it from aplace of this moment to moment
attunement, I made it from, Iwant this to look a certain way.
I want for pottery, I want it tobe really lightweight For
(11:53):
jewelry, I wanted it to bereally technically perfect, and
I limited the forms that I madebecause I emphasized the
technical work over theexpression.
I look at so much stuff I made,and this is not everything, but
a lot of the pieces that I'vemade and I, I feel nothing when
(12:16):
I look at them, I don't feelbecause they're still flawed.
And so that's what I focus on iseven though I sacrificed my
connection to these pieces, mymoment to moment attunement to
make, to try to make themperfect, they're still not
perfect.
And that's what I see.
And that to me is tragedy.
(12:39):
It's tragic.
And I don't think I'm alone inthis.
I don't know if it's like agenerational thing, like people
around my age and in mygeneration, you know, we just
had so much opportunity, butalso a lot of responsibility put
on us by our parents, ourgrandparents, whatever people in
our lives.
(13:00):
And I think of the generationunderneath me, I guess they
would be Gen Z, I think is whatthey're called.
And they're like bucking all ofthat.
And I'm like, good for them.
I think there's, you know,there's some stuff there, but
they're not buying into the likeperfect American dream bullshit
(13:21):
that a lot of us were raisedunder.
Anyway, that's a little bit of atangent, but so, I started my
second painting this morning andyesterday was really hard.
We had a session last night fromeight to 10:00 PM which for me
is 10:00 PM to 12:00 AM.
And I was just exhausted after areally long travel day.
And so it was really challengingto feel connected to myself and
(13:47):
also to actually paint because Ithink I was tired.
And so therefore, of course,this like very critical inner
voice was really loud, like justmonotonous, you know, and just
like, like terrorizing mebasically.
But I did it and you know, itwas very interesting last night
(14:08):
to watch as I painted.
I think I painted for around anhour, maybe an hour and 15
minutes before I just got waytoo tired and ended up leaving
early to go to bed.
But watching my attachment whenI thought something was going
well, watching my disgust when Iput something on there that I
didn't like, and then thinking,did I really feel connected in
that moment when I did that?
(14:28):
Or did I start thinking too hardabout what needs to go here to
balance this piece, and whatcolor might be here to like make
sense with all the other colors?
And just getting really, leaningback into the the technical
aspect.
It was just so fascinating towatch.
Scarlett 2i2 USB (14:45):
Okay, that's what I have for you today.
I hope you enjoyed tuning intomy thoughts, listening to this
audio diary, and all of thethings I was thinking about and
processing, and to be honest,still am.
Stay tuned, Next week I'm goingto share part two of this, so
you'll get to hear it kind ofcome full circle and hear the
(15:07):
completion of this audio diary.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you have any questions, letme know.
I am so glad that you were here,and then we get to walk our
paths together.
See you next time.
Same time, same place.
Bye for now.
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