May 17, 2023 • 13 mins
Join me this week as I share Part 2 of an audio diary I kept while I was on a process painting retreat at Esalen in Big Sur, California.
In today’s episode, I share:
- How perfectionism led me to stop painting as a teenager
- The intention I set for the painting retreat (which surprised me)
- How it feels to make ‘not good enough’ work
This is the final installment (Part 2) of my Esalen Audio Diary.
Show Notes
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Get the transcript and full show notes HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Scarlett 2i2 USB (00:24):
Welcome to today's episode, Eslan Diary
Process Painting WorkshopTakeaway, Part Two.
Again, a nice long title justlike last week.
If you haven't listened to lastweek's episode, which is Episode
40 and part one of this podcast,I encourage you to listen to
that first.
(00:44):
This episode will make a lotmore sense if you have heard
what I talk about last weekbefore listening to this week's.
In today's episode, I share theintention I set for going into
the week-long retreat that Iwent on, which was a painting
workshop, and it wasn't what Istarted out with, which was
really interesting for me torealize as I re-listened.
(01:07):
This episode is extra vulnerablefor me to share, but I
ultimately decided that it feelsreally important to me to put it
out there because I know thatthe experiences I share in
today's episode are so, socommon, and I hope that by me
sharing a peek into my innerexperiences normalizes all of
(01:32):
our internal experiences more,and encourages you to share your
experiences with others in yourlife.
The main thing I've learned asI've had pretty intimate access
to other creatives inner livesover the past few years is that
we are more alike than werealize.
(01:52):
We all share some common innerbeliefs about ourselves.
They sound different, butthey're rooted in similarity.
And again, I hope by sharingwhat I share with you today,
that it normalizes some thingsthat you may experience
internally, and you'll know thatyou're not alone in how you
feel.
And also that it's just veryhuman to sometimes feel the way
(02:14):
that we feel.
Okay, let's dive in.
Today I'm sharing the finalepisode of my Eslan Audio Diary,
part two to last week's episode.
Part of the work I did on theway over here was I had so much
excitement about coming here,coming to Esalen has been on my
(02:35):
bucket list for probably fiveyears or so, to take a workshop
here.
I absolutely love takingworkshops partially because of
what I mentioned a few minutesago, which is that I love
removing myself from my routine,from my life, from the things
that are familiar to me andcoming to a place with other
(02:55):
people who are dedicated andinterested.
I always feel so touched to besurrounded by people like that,
and then to really look at andquestion all of the assumptions
that I have in my life that I'mnot even aware of because I'm so
immersed in it.
So I love coming in workshopsfor that reason, Esalen has been
(03:16):
on my list for years, and thisyear I booked it for my birthday
and it was the perfect workshop.
Like I just couldn't have pickedsomething better.
There's no critiques, there's nofeedback, there's no explanation
of what something means to you.
Why did you do this?
There's nothing like that.
It, it really is all about theprocess and a lot of the work I
(03:36):
did on the way over hereyesterday, I've been really
excited, but I've also gottenreally scared because ugh, that
inner voice for me is loud.
The one that says that thereshould be like high technical
skill, or basically don't do it.
Don't show people that you're abeginner again.
Don't show them you're, one ofthe teachers calls it your
ineptitudes.
(03:58):
To me that is like highlycorrelated with shame.
It makes so much sense, right?
In retrospect that I became soobsessed with doing things
perfectly and technically well,because, you know, I was trying
to outrun this shame voice.
And so as this has gottencloser, I've of course been so
(04:19):
excited.
Big Sur is my favorite place onthe planet, but I've also gotten
really terrified because, I knewthere would be moments when I
would be standing there and Iwould be getting in my head, and
it's like stage fright, right?
You're hyper aware that peopleare, they're not paying
attention to you, right?
Because people pay way lessattention to us than we think
that they do.
(04:39):
But this is part of my, likeworst case scenario is like 30
people watching me, and I'mlike, frozen.
And I've tried not to live thatout too much.
Like I try not to practice thatbecause I know that that's not
helpful.
It's not even real.
But that's been part of my fearis like performance, performance
(04:59):
anxiety, I guess.
And my goal with coming hasbecome to reconnect to the
younger version of me who lovedto paint and draw, before she
knew what was good and what wasbad, and what would please other
people and what would make herstand out, which was kind of
exciting, but also kind ofscary.
(05:22):
So it's very much tied into thatfor me, and as I've worked with
this fear and this kind ofterror that I felt about
reopening this can of worms, Iguess.
I decided that coming here wasabout, this is what I wrote
yesterday on the plane.
My intention is to reconnectwith the younger me who loved to
(05:45):
paint, to explore and expressherself through her paintings
and art.
It was my favorite way to spendtime when I was little.
My sole intention is to spendtime expressing with her.
Not to make'good enough' work,which is how I tend to think
about things.
And on one hand it feels like amajor relief and it also feels
(06:07):
really scary because I wanna saybecause I'm scared that it won't
be technically good enough, butI think beneath that is maybe
some fear around what is hangingout, right beneath my awareness,
the edge of my awareness, thatwants to come through and be
expressed.
And I think for a very longtime, like the majority of my
(06:29):
adult life at least, anddefinitely part of my childhood,
I've closed that part of me offfor a lot of reasons, you know,
performance, survival,achievement, and now I've just
turned 37 and I booked this formyself.
I've been looking forward to itfor months, and my goal is to
(06:51):
not make good enough work, andthat is the first time in my
life I can say that withhonesty, like that is true.
The painting that I made lastnight, I added a little bit this
morning, and I've startedanother one.
They're not, like no one wouldlook at those and be like, oh
wow, that's really cool.
I wanna buy it.
Right.
And that is not my metric here.
Like, I wanna be so clear aboutthat.
(07:12):
I've done a lot of work aroundthis.
So much for me of my creativework is tied into being sold and
being able to sell people on it.
And it's so freeing to come hereand for that to not be the goal
at all.
Like I probably won't shareanything I make here.
(07:33):
I don't want other people'sopinions.
I don't wanna hear if someonethinks it's good or it's bad.
That's not the point of beinghere and making them.
And that in itself isrevolutionary.
I cannot tell you what adifference that is and probably
very healing for I guess mycreative identity, the part of
me that identifies as acreative.
(07:54):
And when I looked at thepainting that I made last night,
when I saw it this morning withfresh eyes, I told myself this a
couple times when I was doingit.
I told myself when I startedanother one today, I was like, I
love these because they are anhonest expression.
They are not, like I said,they're not technically good.
(08:16):
But they are a true example ofme choosing to come back to
moment to moment attunement andexpression, and I can see in
them, some meaning, but that'snot the point.
The point wasn't, I'm trying tocommunicate something that other
people will see and understand.
(08:37):
That was not the point for me.
The point was authenticexpression and I can't tell you
how proud I feel to have setthat intention to keep coming
back to it.
And to know that I am walkingalongside that, I'm not straying
from that.
I'm not going into achievementmode.
(08:57):
I mean, it comes up, right?
I get like spun up and I startto get back into my
conditioning- to make good work,to make something I'm proud of,
to make something other peoplewill find worthy, I think.
But then I come back toauthentic expression and that
moment to moment attunement, andI feel more pride in that than a
(09:17):
lot of things I've made.
Which sounds really sad, Ithink.
I have pieces that I've made,especially when I've made them
with other people, that havebeen very meaningful to me, I
think because of thecollaboration.
And while I'm here, so far, I'mcollaborating with myself, like
really collaborating with myselfon them, not performance/
(09:39):
achievement/ outside myself, andit feels so profound and I just
feel so, I guess, moved by it.
Because I didn't know I've beenseeking it- I didn't know I was
missing it for a really longtime.
But I think in signing up forthis workshop, not really
knowing what I was gonna begetting, I just knew that it was
(10:01):
not about critiques, it wasn'tabout realism, it wasn't about
your technical skills.
It was about expression.
I think it's so true that thingsfind you when you're ready for
them, sometimes before you'reready for them.
I've definitely done thingsbefore I was ready and it's all
valuable, but you begin tochange the moment that you
(10:22):
invite something into your life.
I signed up for this in January.
I really had no idea.
I've been reading the teacher'sbook, which was published like
30 years ago, and so I've beentaking it in, this new operating
system, this new way of workingand being and engaging, for a
couple months now.
(10:44):
And I don't know, I, I'm sureI'll have a lot more to say.
This is actually very wordy forme.
I'm not usually this much of averbal processor, but I already
feel like- I don't care ifanything I ever paint is
technically good, or otherpeople see value in it.
And for me, that is the mostmajor thing I could take away
(11:07):
from this.
Like, and I know I will get spunup and I will start to like, be
like, ah, you know, I want tomake this look like what I
envision or see.
But now I also know I can dropout of that, and it's not so
much about the technicaltranslation from what I see or
(11:28):
what I'm thinking into likerealism that someone else would
understand.
I think the takeaway so far forme is that it's about not how
can I make this look as real aspossible?
But what am I feeling, or whatis this stirring up inside of
me, that I can communicate?
(11:48):
Not technically, but throughfeeling.
Like real feeling and intuitivesenses, which is like totally my
jam.
And what just like fascinates meendlessly, like I think I'll
spend my entire life trying tocontinue to work out the ways in
which I and others relate to ourintuition.
What even, where does it comefrom?
(12:09):
All of the things I love tothink about.
And this just feels like such anexciting opportunity to learn a
different form of expressionother than a direct translation,
which I feel like is always whatI was taught, conditioned and
strived for.
Welcome to today's episode, Eslan Diary
Process Painting WorkshopTakeaway, Part Two.
Again, a nice long title justlike last week.
If you haven't listened to lastweek's episode, which is Episode
40 and part one of this podcast,I encourage you to listen to
that first.
(00:44):
This episode will make a lotmore sense if you have heard
what I talk about last weekbefore listening to this week's.
In today's episode, I share theintention I set for going into
the week-long retreat that Iwent on, which was a painting
workshop, and it wasn't what Istarted out with, which was
really interesting for me torealize as I re-listened.
(01:07):
This episode is extra vulnerablefor me to share, but I
ultimately decided that it feelsreally important to me to put it
out there because I know thatthe experiences I share in
today's episode are so, socommon, and I hope that by me
sharing a peek into my innerexperiences normalizes all of
(01:32):
our internal experiences more,and encourages you to share your
experiences with others in yourlife.
The main thing I've learned asI've had pretty intimate access
to other creatives inner livesover the past few years is that
we are more alike than werealize.
(01:52):
We all share some common innerbeliefs about ourselves.
They sound different, butthey're rooted in similarity.
And again, I hope by sharingwhat I share with you today,
that it normalizes some thingsthat you may experience
internally, and you'll know thatyou're not alone in how you
feel.
And also that it's just veryhuman to sometimes feel the way
(02:14):
that we feel.
Okay, let's dive in.
Today I'm sharing the finalepisode of my Eslan Audio Diary,
part two to last week's episode.
Part of the work I did on theway over here was I had so much
excitement about coming here,coming to Esalen has been on my
(02:35):
bucket list for probably fiveyears or so, to take a workshop
here.
I absolutely love takingworkshops partially because of
what I mentioned a few minutesago, which is that I love
removing myself from my routine,from my life, from the things
that are familiar to me andcoming to a place with other
(02:55):
people who are dedicated andinterested.
I always feel so touched to besurrounded by people like that,
and then to really look at andquestion all of the assumptions
that I have in my life that I'mnot even aware of because I'm so
immersed in it.
So I love coming in workshopsfor that reason, Esalen has been
(03:16):
on my list for years, and thisyear I booked it for my birthday
and it was the perfect workshop.
Like I just couldn't have pickedsomething better.
There's no critiques, there's nofeedback, there's no explanation
of what something means to you.
Why did you do this?
There's nothing like that.
It, it really is all about theprocess and a lot of the work I
(03:36):
did on the way over hereyesterday, I've been really
excited, but I've also gottenreally scared because ugh, that
inner voice for me is loud.
The one that says that thereshould be like high technical
skill, or basically don't do it.
Don't show people that you're abeginner again.
Don't show them you're, one ofthe teachers calls it your
ineptitudes.
(03:58):
To me that is like highlycorrelated with shame.
It makes so much sense, right?
In retrospect that I became soobsessed with doing things
perfectly and technically well,because, you know, I was trying
to outrun this shame voice.
And so as this has gottencloser, I've of course been so
(04:19):
excited.
Big Sur is my favorite place onthe planet, but I've also gotten
really terrified because, I knewthere would be moments when I
would be standing there and Iwould be getting in my head, and
it's like stage fright, right?
You're hyper aware that peopleare, they're not paying
attention to you, right?
Because people pay way lessattention to us than we think
that they do.
(04:39):
But this is part of my, likeworst case scenario is like 30
people watching me, and I'mlike, frozen.
And I've tried not to live thatout too much.
Like I try not to practice thatbecause I know that that's not
helpful.
It's not even real.
But that's been part of my fearis like performance, performance
(04:59):
anxiety, I guess.
And my goal with coming hasbecome to reconnect to the
younger version of me who lovedto paint and draw, before she
knew what was good and what wasbad, and what would please other
people and what would make herstand out, which was kind of
exciting, but also kind ofscary.
(05:22):
So it's very much tied into thatfor me, and as I've worked with
this fear and this kind ofterror that I felt about
reopening this can of worms, Iguess.
I decided that coming here wasabout, this is what I wrote
yesterday on the plane.
My intention is to reconnectwith the younger me who loved to
(05:45):
paint, to explore and expressherself through her paintings
and art.
It was my favorite way to spendtime when I was little.
My sole intention is to spendtime expressing with her.
Not to make'good enough' work,which is how I tend to think
about things.
And on one hand it feels like amajor relief and it also feels
(06:07):
really scary because I wanna saybecause I'm scared that it won't
be technically good enough, butI think beneath that is maybe
some fear around what is hangingout, right beneath my awareness,
the edge of my awareness, thatwants to come through and be
expressed.
And I think for a very longtime, like the majority of my
(06:29):
adult life at least, anddefinitely part of my childhood,
I've closed that part of me offfor a lot of reasons, you know,
performance, survival,achievement, and now I've just
turned 37 and I booked this formyself.
I've been looking forward to itfor months, and my goal is to
(06:51):
not make good enough work, andthat is the first time in my
life I can say that withhonesty, like that is true.
The painting that I made lastnight, I added a little bit this
morning, and I've startedanother one.
They're not, like no one wouldlook at those and be like, oh
wow, that's really cool.
I wanna buy it.
Right.
And that is not my metric here.
Like, I wanna be so clear aboutthat.
(07:12):
I've done a lot of work aroundthis.
So much for me of my creativework is tied into being sold and
being able to sell people on it.
And it's so freeing to come hereand for that to not be the goal
at all.
Like I probably won't shareanything I make here.
(07:33):
I don't want other people'sopinions.
I don't wanna hear if someonethinks it's good or it's bad.
That's not the point of beinghere and making them.
And that in itself isrevolutionary.
I cannot tell you what adifference that is and probably
very healing for I guess mycreative identity, the part of
me that identifies as acreative.
(07:54):
And when I looked at thepainting that I made last night,
when I saw it this morning withfresh eyes, I told myself this a
couple times when I was doingit.
I told myself when I startedanother one today, I was like, I
love these because they are anhonest expression.
They are not, like I said,they're not technically good.
(08:16):
But they are a true example ofme choosing to come back to
moment to moment attunement andexpression, and I can see in
them, some meaning, but that'snot the point.
The point wasn't, I'm trying tocommunicate something that other
people will see and understand.
(08:37):
That was not the point for me.
The point was authenticexpression and I can't tell you
how proud I feel to have setthat intention to keep coming
back to it.
And to know that I am walkingalongside that, I'm not straying
from that.
I'm not going into achievementmode.
(08:57):
I mean, it comes up, right?
I get like spun up and I startto get back into my
conditioning- to make good work,to make something I'm proud of,
to make something other peoplewill find worthy, I think.
But then I come back toauthentic expression and that
moment to moment attunement, andI feel more pride in that than a
(09:17):
lot of things I've made.
Which sounds really sad, Ithink.
I have pieces that I've made,especially when I've made them
with other people, that havebeen very meaningful to me, I
think because of thecollaboration.
And while I'm here, so far, I'mcollaborating with myself, like
really collaborating with myselfon them, not performance/
(09:39):
achievement/ outside myself, andit feels so profound and I just
feel so, I guess, moved by it.
Because I didn't know I've beenseeking it- I didn't know I was
missing it for a really longtime.
But I think in signing up forthis workshop, not really
knowing what I was gonna begetting, I just knew that it was
(10:01):
not about critiques, it wasn'tabout realism, it wasn't about
your technical skills.
It was about expression.
I think it's so true that thingsfind you when you're ready for
them, sometimes before you'reready for them.
I've definitely done thingsbefore I was ready and it's all
valuable, but you begin tochange the moment that you
(10:22):
invite something into your life.
I signed up for this in January.
I really had no idea.
I've been reading the teacher'sbook, which was published like
30 years ago, and so I've beentaking it in, this new operating
system, this new way of workingand being and engaging, for a
couple months now.
(10:44):
And I don't know, I, I'm sureI'll have a lot more to say.
This is actually very wordy forme.
I'm not usually this much of averbal processor, but I already
feel like- I don't care ifanything I ever paint is
technically good, or otherpeople see value in it.
And for me, that is the mostmajor thing I could take away
(11:07):
from this.
Like, and I know I will get spunup and I will start to like, be
like, ah, you know, I want tomake this look like what I
envision or see.
But now I also know I can dropout of that, and it's not so
much about the technicaltranslation from what I see or
(11:28):
what I'm thinking into likerealism that someone else would
understand.
I think the takeaway so far forme is that it's about not how
can I make this look as real aspossible?
But what am I feeling, or whatis this stirring up inside of
me, that I can communicate?
(11:48):
Not technically, but throughfeeling.
Like real feeling and intuitivesenses, which is like totally my
jam.
And what just like fascinates meendlessly, like I think I'll
spend my entire life trying tocontinue to work out the ways in
which I and others relate to ourintuition.
What even, where does it comefrom?
(12:09):
All of the things I love tothink about.
And this just feels like such anexciting opportunity to learn a
different form of expressionother than a direct translation,
which I feel like is always whatI was taught, conditioned and
strived for.
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